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DH not happy because I didn't do enough for his birthday

(78 Posts)
PeppaPigStinks Fri 04-Jan-13 22:01:41

I think i need to vent- somewhere!! Sorry i think its long. The last few weeks have been awful I have had hyperemesis and only just feel human again but am very tired. - it was dh birthday today and Although I bought a card, didn't have time to get dd to 'sign' it until he gt home. He has just said least he wanted was a card first thing this morning.

In the past I've bought him clothes, computer games and other pointless crap. He moans about it. Clothes have never been good enough and have gone back or not worn. He has just told me a present would have been nice. As money is very tight we get a certain amount to spend each month on ourselves - I put at least 20 percent of this away each month and managed to save 100 to get something for him. I suggested a year pass to the zoo so he could take dd and it means we have a 'free' day out for a year. I think he wanted something more for him which I can kind of see, but we don't do much activity based days as a family as money is tight. I had asked numerous times what he wanted and he said nothing.

I had planned to make a cake with dd today but he bought and subsequently forgot cakes for work this morning so I thought I'd just put a candle in them and sing happy birthday. However - my dad turned up and needed help with some DIY and friends popped in to give him a card while I was cooking tea for us all. Because of this tea was late, I couldn't do the cake prep and dd was shattered and had to go to bed!

We have just had a row and I feel utterly crap. Feel like I really struggle to keep on top of everything and he just doesn't notice or will pick fault in what I have done!

I know I've fcked up but really- was there any need to highlight it!!!confused

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 22:07:05

Is this a one-off or is he this unreasonable & bad-tempered on other subjects?

PeppaPigStinks Fri 04-Jan-13 22:10:16

He moans about most things!!

Attackofthefiftyfootwoman Fri 04-Jan-13 22:10:58

I think you should have made more of an effort to be honest. Putting candles on a cake he has bought is a bit off (sorry)

If you had time to help your dad with the DIY then you would have had time to do something small for your do on his birthday

PeppaPigStinks Fri 04-Jan-13 22:11:11

For example- we had a row a few weeks ago because I forgot to put the milk the fridge. It was the end of the world!

ThePinkOcelot Fri 04-Jan-13 22:12:16

How old is he? 4?

Really, who gives a toss about birthdays when you get to a certain age.

Is he usually this bad tempered and childish?

ZZZenAgain Fri 04-Jan-13 22:12:46

have a celebration tomorrow?

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Fri 04-Jan-13 22:13:29

He sounds like a spoilt brat. He's old enough to be a Dad he's old enough to look at the reality of the situation and appreciate what you have done, not what you haven't.

Kick him into touch.

Attackofthefiftyfootwoman Fri 04-Jan-13 22:14:27

Disclaimer ..... My post is assuming the fact that you have a normally functioning and non abusive relationship

pinkyp Fri 04-Jan-13 22:15:38

I do think its a shame u didn't do more for his birthday (I.e got dd to sign the card), maybe asked ur dad to pick u up a cake if u didn't feel well enough. Doesn't have to cost alot but it can't be nice having to buy ur own cake, no gift and getting ur card late and then having tea interrupted.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 22:17:57

I'm also getting 'spoilt brat' from the description. Don't like people that 'moan' about everything. Yes, you could have done more but most grown-ups I know are way past expecting anyone to make a massive fuss of them on their birthdays.

Attackofthefiftyfootwoman Fri 04-Jan-13 22:18:06

Dp obviously not do hmm

katiemummy2012 Fri 04-Jan-13 22:19:48

Your H is acting like a spoilt child opening the 'wrong' present!

I'd tell him straight he hasnt appreciated any of the past presents you bought him, money was tight and you didn't think he'd mind!

Attackofthefiftyfootwoman Fri 04-Jan-13 22:19:59

Ok this might not be popular confused but assuming he is a decent chap and he has supported you through your rough time with your sickness then perhaps he expected something more

tzella Fri 04-Jan-13 22:20:09

Eh? OP is pregnant and ill. Boohoo on second hand cakes and no present! Any decent chap wouldn't give a shit. And this is the latest in a long line of him being childish, selfish and ungrateful.

CajaDeLaMemoria Fri 04-Jan-13 22:20:50

Awww,I can see his point.

He got no gift (the zoo is a nice idea but not really a birthday present, it's a joint present for all of you.), his card wasn't signed and he didn't get a cake.

He went about dealing with it the wrong way but perhaps he's upset and frustrated and didn't know how to communicate that properly?

He shouldn't have shouted, and I agree that most adults don't expect a fuss, but a card, a cake and a gift isn't really difficult.

tzella Fri 04-Jan-13 22:21:44

Ok this might not be popular

No, I don't think it will be with anyone who actually read the OP hmm

Attackofthefiftyfootwoman Fri 04-Jan-13 22:22:55

Agree he should not have shouted but if it was me i would have been somewhat miffed. And to be fair i certainly would not have kept my gob shut about it, I would have had to have voiced my disappointment

OP - how would you have felt in the position was reversed and your DH hadn't done anything much for your birthday?

MrsPoglesWood Fri 04-Jan-13 22:24:08

He sounds like a cock. Sorry but no one over 21 should get so mardy about not having the bunting put out for their birthday - particularly when their wife is pregnant and has hyperemis. Proper adult, grown ups do not sulk or throw wobblies because their birthday was a bit more low key than they would have liked.

You did not fuck up OP, you have other things to deal with. He should be fucking grateful that you are spending 9 months having his baby. Exactly how much trouble did he go to for your last birthday?

Attackofthefiftyfootwoman Fri 04-Jan-13 22:24:38

I did read the op.

Attackofthefiftyfootwoman Fri 04-Jan-13 22:25:46

Unless there is a back story to this that I have missed confused

Lilyloo Fri 04-Jan-13 22:25:55

If you had time to do diy for your dad you really had time for dd to sign his card , sometimes it really is the effort rather than the gift.

dippyDoohdah Fri 04-Jan-13 22:26:12

agree, mardy arsed tantrum alert! he said he did not want anything! she arranged a zoo ticket, lovely idea, and has severe pregnancy sickness....
and cakes at each birthday for grown adults, come on!

Attackofthefiftyfootwoman Fri 04-Jan-13 22:27:01

What lilyloo said

GiveMeSomeSpace Fri 04-Jan-13 22:27:18

Sorry but I do think you could have tried to make more of an effort.

Should you really be helping out your father with DIY when you say you are struggling to keep on top of everything?

dadVSfood Fri 04-Jan-13 22:27:40

I think he is right to be a little miffed, but in the circumstances, shouldn't really be that much of an issue for a grown man should it......?

I must admit though, getting a card signed by DD should have been fairly easy. People like to at least feel a little acknowledged on their birthday.

Sounds like an underwhelming birthday experience and an overreaction on the other side to me...

mammadiggingdeep Fri 04-Jan-13 22:28:33

Dp 'forgot' to get me a card once and gave me a bunch of wilting flowers. I'm not a spoilt brat but I will admit I was really upset. I didn't want expensive presents or grand gestures but I do think birthdays are a chance to express love. It would have taken much effort to get DD to sign the card and do a little 'tea' when he got home.

PeppaPigStinks Fri 04-Jan-13 22:30:19

Thank you. I didn't see the point buying/making a cake because he left the ones meant for work at home. We went to sainabury and got them last night so I didn't want to buy one with him there.

I didn't see the point in spending money that we don't have on something that will sit there doing nothing grin

I'm just frustrated - as usual my good intentions get scuppered!

I will make it up to him somehow!

mammadiggingdeep Fri 04-Jan-13 22:30:36

However, considering you've been poorly and are obviously busy (the DIY etc) perhaps he should've risen above it and kept quiet this once.

How was Xmas? Did you make a fuss of each other at Xmas?

Casmama Fri 04-Jan-13 22:34:47

If he doesn't like presents you buy then why not stick £100 in the card(signed by you and Dd) and let him treat himself.

PeppaPigStinks Fri 04-Jan-13 22:34:56

Sorry. He did not shout - just voice he wasn't happy.

Also my op wasn't clear - he had to help my dad with DIY when he got home so les time to do cake before dd needed to go to bed.

I did get dd to sign the card when we got home. So he has had a card. She is only 18 months so wanted her to scribble on it rather than me just write it out.

Sorry but I'd be pissed off at not getting anything for my birthday, and with Moonpig and internet shopping you could have sorted it out in 10mins. I assume there must be a back story as to why you didn't want to make the effort. Relationships work best when the people in them go out of their way to be nice to eachother.

PeppaPigStinks Fri 04-Jan-13 22:36:02

Thanks for your oponions- really appreciate it.

X mas - we had a strict 10 pound budget. I kept to it!! He got around it!!

WifeofPie Fri 04-Jan-13 22:36:29

He behaved like a toddler! Birthdays are for children and you've been poorly incubating his child. Send him to the doghouse for a while. Hope you feel better soon smile.

jalopy Fri 04-Jan-13 22:37:36

If it had been your birthday, you would have been pissed off. I think he is entitled to feel the same.

Attackofthefiftyfootwoman Fri 04-Jan-13 22:39:02

I don't think birthdays are for children. I spent years with an ex who did the minimal for my birthday and it made me feel an inch tall. I know that this might not be the same circumstances as the op but I think it is ok to expect to be treated on your birthday, it is only one day a year after all.

rubyrubyruby Fri 04-Jan-13 22:39:46

I dont think birthdays are just for children!

Nodecentnickname Fri 04-Jan-13 22:40:22

I would be a bit pissed off I think. Sorry. If I was him I would feel a bit sad and under appreciated.

GiveMeSomeSpace Fri 04-Jan-13 22:45:48

I certainly don't think birthday's are just for children

skullcandy Fri 04-Jan-13 22:47:13

birthdays aren't just for children, we always make an effort in this house.

DH's birthday this year he was on morning shift, so up and out at 5.30am.

I made sure his card from me was waiting with a love note promising more later.

Then i had both the kids write cards, help wrap his presents, bought him a cake and decorated the table so when he came home from work there were cards, presents, balloons, cake and candles waiting for him...

I'd spent most of the previous month in hospital really very ill and also had to plan a big birthday for my mum who's celebration was only 2 days earlier, so hyperemesis is no excuse!

I dont think its too much to expect a bit of effort from your spouse to make you feel loved and appreciated on your birthday.

You really could have put a lot more thought and effort into it.

WifeofPie Fri 04-Jan-13 22:49:04

Fair enough; expecting to be made a fuss of on your birthday is for children and childish adults. I can't believe that a grown-man would expect cake and candles? And the whole present issue sounds very passive-aggressive. OP sounds like she has enough on her plate at the moment.

How miserable are some of you lot! Birthdays Christmas are not just for kids they are a chance to feel special/make someone else feel special, and opportunities for that should not be missed and don't actually have to cost money. I do feel for you OP, it sounds like you tried to do something but you were ill and it all went a bit pear shaped. Totally understandable, but so is his disappointment. Acknowledge each others feelings and move on.

How miserable are some of you lot! Birthdays Christmas are not just for kids they are a chance to feel special/make someone else feel special, and opportunities for that should not be missed and don't actually have to cost money. I do feel for you OP, it sounds like you tried to do something but you were ill and it all went a bit pear shaped. Totally understandable, but so is his disappointment. Acknowledge each others feelings and move on.

ceeveebee Fri 04-Jan-13 22:52:12

I would be pissed off if my DH did nothing for my birthday.
Surely the date wasn't a surprise, you could have sorted a card out at any time. And with online shopping there is no excuse for not sorting a present out.
We're all busy but if you love someone you make the effort.

WifeofPie Fri 04-Jan-13 22:52:28

Oh, Skull...Of course we do all of that. But if money were tight or life was very busy or someone was poorly I certainly wouldn't throw a strop about it.

outtolunchagain Fri 04-Jan-13 22:52:34

It was my dh birthday today as well, goodness can't believe the fuss some people on here make for birthdays . We all had coffee together this morning and he opened cards and presents from Dcs and me , and then we took the dog for a walk , he did ( unusually) have the day off and he went out riding this morning .

Next year we will probably make more of a fuss because it is quite a momentous one .

I think your dh is being ridiculous , is he 5?

PeppaPigStinks Fri 04-Jan-13 22:53:35

Skull candy and others I totally agree! And I had planned to make an effort- cake, dinner etc but the day just went. I had to go into town. When we got home friends turned up so I couldn't do what I would have done. I think that's why I am so gutted. I wanted to do it but circumstances meant it all went to pot angry

Thanks for your replies

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 22:55:22

But even if it's OK for him to be disappointed or even pissed off.... that's no justification to have a row is there?

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding Fri 04-Jan-13 22:57:00

I don't agree with the fact he is having a strop about it, he should have had a quiet word with you about being dissapointed.

I'm a firm believer in not too much fuss for an adults birthday, but to get him no gift at all, no cake, an unsigned card imo is a bit meansad

Could you not make it up to him at a later date maybe?

A poor effort on your part really OP. I can see why he wasn't happy and from what you've described he voiced his unhappiness quite reasonably.

Maybe plan something nice for the weekend.

PeppaPigStinks Fri 04-Jan-13 23:01:02

I have explained to him in the past presents have not been that gratefully received. We don't have the money for something to idly sit there! The 100 I have saved is a huge amount for us to just have to spend willy nilly. I didn't want to waste it on something just for the sake of having a present. I know that makes me sound selfish!

PeppaPigStinks Fri 04-Jan-13 23:01:57

I'm off to bed now!! Thanks for your Opinions! I don't just want to leave the thread unanswered grin

Casmama Fri 04-Jan-13 23:05:34

Most people would do something before his birthday though, I don't really understand why you didn't get the card signed and make/buy a cake yesterday.
You could also have apologised for it and said you would make it up to him.

HappyNewHissy Fri 04-Jan-13 23:07:05

Why did your Dad crash in with the flaming DIY? Why could he not have given that a miss until tomorrow?

Loshad Fri 04-Jan-13 23:10:42

sorry peppa but you have been rubbish. you knew it was his birthday, why on earth didn't you get your dd to sign his card in time. a tiny, free gesture and one you didn't bother to sort out. He is NBU to be a bit miffed, and your present is a non present. This is mumsnet at its worst tbh, if the sexes had been reversed your husband would have had a real flaming for not appreciating you, whereas you have played the sick card (really - so sick for weeks on end you couldn't pop a birthday card in front of your daughter for signing hmm)
I would apologise, and mean it.

annh Fri 04-Jan-13 23:12:40

i think if you had come on here, it was your birthday and you told us that your DP hadn't bothered getting your card signed until the evening, hadn't bought you a present but suggested something that was really more for your dd, and not even managed to put candles into a ready-made cake which was actually meant for his work, we would all have told you you "leave the bastard". Whatever about the gift issue, I can't see how there wasn't enough time to get the card signed and pick up a cake when you were actually in town today? If the tables were turned, people certainly wouldn't be asking you sneeringly if you were 5!

ZZZenAgain Fri 04-Jan-13 23:14:15

you makea lot of excuses but I get the feeling it just was not important to you. Of course you could have found the time to get dd to sign his card, it doesn't take hours. You could have done the 'cake prep' which you had decided was putting candles in the bought cakes. How long would that take?

If you had wanted to bake a cake you could have even if friends turn up or your dad, you just explain, we're baking a cake for dh's birthday, get them a cup of tea and get on with it. Bet your dad and/or the friends would have been fine joining in singing happy birthday to dh and having a slice of cake together. You didn't even need to stick candles in

You could have got him a voucher at least or ordered something over the internet for a present but it comes across as if you resent paying out money on him, it needs to be for a family day out_ and did you really need to go into town today? You really could not have gone tomorrow?

Make an effort tomorrow, you can celebrate birthdays a bit late

Mbear Fri 04-Jan-13 23:59:07

Dh managed to do this to me for my birthday.

I really am not a grabby, gotta have loads of presents. But although he bought a card, it was never written in and he never got ds to scribble in it. Always too busy etc etc

Sorry, but it really upset me to not find 2 mins to write a damn card.

ImperialBlether Sat 05-Jan-13 00:08:04

I really don't think the zoo ticket was a present for him, was it? Surely you'd be going, and your daughter too? Which part of it was his present?

Given money is tight and you'd saved £100 and he doesn't like anything you buy, why didn't you give him the money in an envelope and tell him to treat himself? Surely he would have loved that?

And yes, the card should have been waiting there for him at breakfast time. What's the point in getting it in the evening? And of course you should've made/bought a cake - and if there was one already there then couldn't you have made something nice for dinner instead?

Be nice to him, ffs!!

rhondajean Sat 05-Jan-13 10:46:56

Peppy, if this was my birthday, I would have been really hurt.

COCKadoodledooo Sat 05-Jan-13 11:13:16

If your dh had done this to you on your birthday you would have started a thread about what a thoughtless twat he was. If you honestly believe you wouldn't had the tables been turned then YANBU and have a heart of stone If you would have been hurt by his lack of thought then you know you did wrong.

If you apologise (genuinely) and he continues to rant then yes he's being a bit churlish and childish. I'd have been pissed off though if dh had pretty much ignored my birthday, as you have.

asfarasitgoes Sat 05-Jan-13 11:31:00

Sorry to disagree with other posters but I think your dh was acting like a child and should get a grip

skullcandy Sat 05-Jan-13 11:34:29

i would have thought with his birthday being so close to christmas/new year that he's probably had to cope with people not really bothering/making much of an effort all his life.. i expect he feels the one person who should, is his wife.

EmpressMaud Sat 05-Jan-13 11:38:38

I think I'd have been slightly upset with an unsigned card and no gift at all, and I really don't like a fuss on my own birthday.
An inexpensive token gift would have been enough I think. Then using the cakes would have mattered little, a small effort having been made elsewhere.

strumpetpumpkin Sat 05-Jan-13 11:38:59

Birthdays obviously mean a lot to him. They do to some people, just like xmas and valentines. Some bother, some dont.
You knew it would be special to him. He hasnt had a tantrum. I think you should have done more.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sat 05-Jan-13 11:42:22

My DH would have been really happy with something like a zoo ticket for the family. I prefer gifts just for me :-) but it doesn't seem like a thoughtless gift.

OP did do the card, just not first thing.

Seems like something that could have been sorted out amicably and not needing "words" eg "next year, could I have my card in the morning?" would have been fine.

MirandaWest Sat 05-Jan-13 11:44:17

If it had been my birthday I'd have felt a little unappreciated tbh. Wouldn't have got sad or grumpy about it though I don't think.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sat 05-Jan-13 11:44:26

I don't think anyone would be LTB in a reverse situation where the husband had been ill for weeks.

Mum2Fergus Sat 05-Jan-13 11:48:09

Personally Id tell him to feck off, birthdays are for kids! DP is 40 this year and has known for ages that whatever he wants to do I'll support but the arranging etc is down to him

I'm astonished at the number of posters who say that "birthdays are for kids" but am glad to so many others disagreeing. Why the hell shouldn't adults want to either celebrate or have their birthday marked in some way?

I think there is probably some truth in the OPs DH having possibly had his birthday somewhat overlooked in the past because of it being so close to Xmas. I've known this happen to others in a similar position.

HullyEastergully Sat 05-Jan-13 11:52:37

arse

rubyrubyruby Sat 05-Jan-13 11:53:29

birthdays are not just for kids

FFS

God forbid that an adult should be spoilt rotten and made to feel special in any way hmm

PeppaPigStinks Sat 05-Jan-13 12:14:47

Thanks everyone. He is usually of the 'I don't want a fuss' band. I asked over and over what he wanted and he said nothing.

I had planned to make a fuss- cake, banners on the door but circumstance took over.

I will make a fuss tomorrow when we can have time.

I guess I was trying to juggle too many balls and its all fallen down around me. I think I need to get my shit together!

motherinferior Sat 05-Jan-13 12:19:24

I like a massive fuss on my birthday, personally.

lemonstartree Sat 05-Jan-13 13:24:17

sorry I agree with the others.

For DP birthday I had arranged to spend the day in London, just with him. Calling in favours so the DC could be looked after, researching an exhibition (free) to go to, booking a small (cheap) place for lunch - planning a walk later. It didn't cost much (less than the £100) but we had a wonderful day. For my birthday, DP bought me small, thoughtful things (a few) , made me breakfast in bed, and pampered me. I think we both felt special, And I don't think you did anything to make you DH feel important or personally special, I would have been pissed off too if I were him....

insanityscratching Sat 05-Jan-13 13:40:55

Dh once forgot my birthday cake (I don't even eat cake but it's a birthday ritual here even if my birthday is on Christmas Day) Dd has never let him forget it so much so that every year she says "do you remember the year Daddy forgot?" grin It's a new ritual now where dh takes dd to choose a cake each year.
I understand he was disappointed but I do think he didn't talk about it with you well.
I might only buy dh token gifts but I do cook his favourite meal and pamper him a little.

Booblesonthetree Sat 05-Jan-13 14:02:06

peppa this time last year I was heavily pg, no HG but had bad sickness and heartburn which was enough. It's also DH's birthday at this time of year. He got a card off me and the DC's that DD made and an IOU! I totally forgot it was his birthday so soon after Christmas and had to improvise...
Do you know what his response was? After he stopped laughing (yes, AT me!) he said he didn't mind and made us both a brew. I got him something as a late present and we saved up a meal out for after the baby was born. That was it. He didn't get upset, he understood, because he's a bloody grown up!
Sorry but your DH needs to be more understanding about this unless he's actually 8 years old...

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