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Blackmail or Extortion? ExH says he wont hand over dc tomorrow unless I give him money!!

(47 Posts)
MsSavingPennies Fri 04-Jan-13 21:37:06

This is an update to an earlier post a few days ago.

Tonight I got a text from my ExH who has had my DC For the last two nights. He now says he will not hand him over tomorrow unless I hand over the money owing to my dc. He is referring to the child benefit I receive.

I have had numverous texts over the last week demanding my child benefit number so he can claim it or to hand over money to him to buy clothes. I have kept all the text messages he sent.

We have no legal care agreement as he refused to accept any of it. I am legally separated, I just couldn't afford a divorce sad I have received child benefit since my ds was a baby. I am right in saying this identifies me as the main carer? He has constantly told me he won't pay for things because I receive child benefit even though he is paid a good salary, and now he says our dc has nothing to wear that fits? In my home my dc has a wardrobe of clothes that fit! The previous post explains more. I spoke to the online benefits helpline earlier in the week and told them he was blackmailing me for child benefit and gave them details.

I can't get a solicitors appt until next week.

What can I do? I intend to go there tomorrow to collect him. If he refuses to hand him over do I call the police? I have no idea re the law in this respect.

Why after years of separation can he just not let me live in peace?

I hope that made sense.

dishwashervodkaanddietirnbru Fri 04-Jan-13 21:44:03

could you contact the police on the non-emergency number and see what they say - tell them about the blackmail too

dishwashervodkaanddietirnbru Fri 04-Jan-13 21:45:44

101 - non emergency number available 24/7 so you could call them now for advice

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 21:48:32

Definitely call the police if he carries out his threat. Goes without saying that you never let him go back there either. I'm appalled

MsSavingPennies Fri 04-Jan-13 21:49:40

Thanks you. I have been calm up until now. I can't believe that he is doing this!

Lueji Fri 04-Jan-13 21:49:43

Kidnapping more like it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 21:49:46

BTW... withholding a child from their mother against their will and the will of the mother... the law that applies here, I suspect, would be 'false imprisonment'.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 21:51:33

You have to get a divorce btw. Work three jobs, max out a credit card, whatever it takes you have to legally excise this malignant cancer from your life.

MatureUniStudent Fri 04-Jan-13 21:52:47

Oh you poor thing - I used to have him on the doorstep telling me that if I didn't pay him, he wouldn't take the waiting, listening, excitedly assembled children out. He earns in the 40% tax bracket and pays no maintenance etc.

So be strong - if he dosen't return the children, hold firm. He will be bored of them soon.

See it for what it is - his desperate panic because he owes someone something or wants the money to feed an addiction or something. Rememver his scorn at you, that he thinks you stupid enough to fall for his overbearing and harrassing threats.

He sees you as an easy touch, something that owes him something - you refusing to do as he tells you, enrages him. But you must hold firm. (I say this with no mortgage paid and the threat, yet oh yet again that I will lose the house. Done each time to punish/control - who knows what to me).

I'd go and collect the children. If he won't give them, walk away. Come home. He will return them when he realises you WONT be moved. Do let us know how it goes?

Sunnywithshowers Fri 04-Jan-13 21:53:11

That's awful, OP. Definitely call the police for advice and get rid of this man.

Xales Fri 04-Jan-13 21:54:42

My understanding is that if you both have parental responsibility and one of you is not legally down as having residency then there is actually nothing the police can do.

He is not doing anything illegal by keeping them away from you.

The police can go and ask for him to return them but I don't think they have any powers to removed them if he refuses.

You need to get to the courts first thing on Monday (I don't think they are open Saturday are they?) and get the paperwork handed in to make you legally and officially the one with residency.

Once this is done the police can have the power to enforce a return to you.

I am sure someone will be along soon with all the actual information, sorry, I am only putting down from what I remember about previous threads on here. sad

MsSavingPennies Fri 04-Jan-13 21:56:19

Cognito you are right. I can't wait 2 years now to divorce. It is escallating, he has gone too far this time....

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 21:59:55

He sounds unhinged, frankly. Whether he's committing a crime or not, if he refuses to hand over your son I would still call the police and say you're worried about your child's safety. Up the ante and get it on record that he's unstable. It will help when you get that divorce.

tribpot Fri 04-Jan-13 22:00:47

Please do phone the police. Can anyone go with you to do the pick up?

There's something seriously wrong the guy - he is obsessed with this bloody child benefit. Yet would he even qualify for the benefit if it was paid to him?? (Not that this is really the point).

MsSavingPennies Fri 04-Jan-13 22:02:00

If the police cannot help, I do not want to leave my dc with him, I know he is manipulating him, and poisoning his mind. My dc already turned to me and said I had to pay for something because I received child benefit! I know my dc wouldn't say that himself. He wants for nothing from me

Xales Fri 04-Jan-13 22:03:45

He is doing it for a response. The only reason is to control and hurt you.

Don't back down over the money.

Stay strong. Giving in is handing yourself to him to control on a plate.

Do report it to the police as Cognito says. Even if they can't do anything it is getting his name down more in the system.

Keep the texts nice of him to give you an evidence trail rather than a phone call he can dispute shows he isn't that smart!

Chubfuddler Fri 04-Jan-13 22:03:47

I don't understand. Surely he should be paying you maintenance not trying to extort your child benefit from you.

I'd phone the police and say your child is being kept from you and you fear for his safety.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 22:03:51

Have you got someone you take with you with tomorrow? Safety in numbers etc. And you won't be sending your DS back will you?

Hassled Fri 04-Jan-13 22:05:33

What proportion of the week are they usually with him - what's the % split? Do you get any maintenance?

I agree you should ring 101 for support.

And go to the CSa for child support as well. And get a contact agreement in place, just keep them if he refuses to agree to one - then he can approach the court for one and it will be legally agreed.

izzyizin Fri 04-Jan-13 22:08:00

How old is/are the dc?

MsSavingPennies Fri 04-Jan-13 22:09:11

tribpot - you are right he is becoming obsessed over the child benefit. I have asked someone to go with me but to stay back, I don't want to provoke him.

Cogito - He is acting irrationally.

WeAreEternal Fri 04-Jan-13 22:17:27

You need to call 101 in the morning, make them awear of the situation and that at X time you will be going to collect DS, as arranged but that EXP has told you that unless you pay him he will keep DS against your will, and that if this happens they should be expecting your call and ready to come and assist you.

What is the (informal) custody arrangement?

If your DS lives with you for more than 50% of the time then you are his primary carer and only you are entitled to the CB, if he wants to challenge that tell him to make a claim himself and see how far he gets.

I've read your previous posts and you definitely need this man out of your life, why have you not persued a csa claim against him?

If he think your DS needs new clothes tell him to go and buy something for his some for once in his pathetic life.
Does he even know how much CB is? You han hardly buy anything with it, they way he goes on you would think it was £££ a week not £80 a month.

DontYouJingleMyChristingle Fri 04-Jan-13 22:21:40

Ms it might be worth posting on legal for advice too.

We were going to switch over cb when dh stopped being SAHD, and I became sahm and they wouldn't do it and they won't even speak to me as I am not the name on the cb so he cannot claim it off you just by having cb number, this is all threats and intimidation.

Call 101 to get some advice as others have said.

izzyizin Fri 04-Jan-13 22:22:29

Xales is correct in saying that if your exH doesn't hand your ds over tomorrow there is nothing the police can do to compel him unless your ds wishes to leave his df's home.

Am I right in thinking your ds is a teenager? In which case, he's free to vote with his feet and my guess is he'll do so.

Needless to say, leave your purse at home and, if you haven't already done so, sic CSA onto this twunt.

MsSavingPennies Fri 04-Jan-13 22:24:27

DC is a teen.

Control - yes I think it's a factor. I think he does want a response and I am not giving him one tonight.

Child benefit agency say I am entitled to the money, I told them all the details. ExH is free to contest it if he wishes, it is their decision re entitlement. For the last few years when my son has school trips, out of school activities, needed a bike for cycling at school, needed shoes, jacket, or a school inform. All I got was 'you pay for it you get child benefit and I did pay for all of these things. In my book those are not the actions of a father who cares at all for his child? Yet my son wants contact....

MsSavingPennies Fri 04-Jan-13 22:31:33

exH is so manipulative, goodness knows what he is saying to my dc. I would hope my dc can see through him.

DontYoujingle, I will post on legal too, thanks for that.

GuffSmuggler Fri 04-Jan-13 22:31:37

I really don't understand, child benefit barely covers what a child needs - it's not like you are stock piling all this cash, you have been using it to raise your child!?

Xales Fri 04-Jan-13 22:32:15

Kids aren't known for their wisdom.

Generally they want both parents to love them and give them attention. You are doing it every day so he doesn't have to fight for it from you. He 'wants' it from his dad as well.

Hopefully once he is older he will see everything you have done for him and you and he will have a close bond and relationship.

He will never have that strength of bond or closeness etc with his dad.

I don't know how men like this can sleep at night they have no conscience.

MsSavingPennies Fri 04-Jan-13 22:37:21

Guff - I know, £80 a month. I don't claim for anything else, even if I gave him money would it stop at that? I doubt it.

izzyizin Fri 04-Jan-13 22:39:44

Have you had any payments by way of child support from your exH?

MsSavingPennies Fri 04-Jan-13 22:46:56

Xales -it worries me, my ExH manipulated me for years until I finally realised what he was doing, also thanks for your advice. I hope dc does realise that I would do anything and always dc comes first, even if it is when he is older...

BerylStreep Fri 04-Jan-13 23:15:15

What would your DS's views be on staying for longer tomorrow? Have you been able to speak to your DS? Is there any way of contacting him without speaking to your ex, i.e. does he have his own phone?

What exactly are the arrangements for handover tomorrow?

I think there are 2 possible options for dealing with this in the short term.

1. Call the police and report him for blackmail.

2. Don't give him a drama. Text back to say you will not be providing CB details, or indeed cash. Any continuance of this will be reported to police as blackmail. Ask him to let you know when suits to collect.

If he won't let your son return back to you, then contact the police about both blackmail and false imprisonment. Given the ambiguity about residency orders etc, police may not be able to do much about if he keeps your DS, but they will at least call and speak with your DS. There is however clear evidence of blackmail. SS could be useful allies for you, and a call to the duty social worker expressing concern for your DS's wellbeing might help.

Longer term, I would suggest getting a solicitor's letter sent; going to CSA; and showing your DS the household budget as someone else suggested.

HappyNewHissy Fri 04-Jan-13 23:45:11

Call the police.

Don't text him. don't alert him, just ignore. For now. Get your DC back first.

If you tell him you'll refuse to pay, he'll potentially flee, or take other action to punish you.
Radio silence. Refuse to negotiate.

HappyNewSkyebluesapphire Sat 05-Jan-13 00:55:07

You have to go to the CSA. If he earns good money then he can afford to pay you.

JumpingJackSprat Sat 05-Jan-13 07:10:25

i might have missed this but where does your son live for the majority of the time?

MsSavingPennies Sat 05-Jan-13 09:00:06

Jumping - since we separated, care has fluctuated but the majority of care has been through me. Fortunately I still have some paperwork to show this. The problem is he wanted shared care, but then refused to agree to this in our separation agreement. Then I found myself doing the majority of it, except for the odd month when it suited him.

I should have gone to the CSA. The reason I didn't go - I was alone, little money. I knew there was a strong chance that he would do something like this back then just out of spite. Would you believe over 5 years legally separated and now he does this!

Lueji Sat 05-Jan-13 09:06:14

How are you communicating with him?

Make sure all is written, text or email.

MsSavingPennies Sat 05-Jan-13 09:17:21

Beryl - thanks for that advice. I will try to call and speak to DS this morning if he doesnt want to leave I thought I might go in to our local police station and at least get advice. I can show them the texts too. Exh behaviour does concern me.

Why after all this time start behaving like this? Is it because I am now happy in my life? I don't want my son subjected to this. Surely this sort of behaviour ie hand over money or I am not handing over dc will not look good in a court?

hardly slept a wink last night.

MsSavingPennies Sat 05-Jan-13 09:20:41

Lueji- txt only to exh and on hindsight I'm glad I have proof of his behaviour on my phone. I will need to phone dc - doesn't like mobiles!! Must be the only teen who doesn't want a mobile!!

BerylStreep Sun 06-Jan-13 10:36:31

I always thought child benefit was to go towards food, and general upkeep, not just clothes.

Hope all goes well later. What time were you due to pick up?

He does seem to be upping the anti. I wonder what his plan is?

financialwizard Sun 06-Jan-13 13:14:13

Good luck OP.

I was in a very similar situation a few years ago (DS was 7) and the Police weren't interested so my Dad and I drove to the exes house and forced entry when the exes gf opened the door. We grabbed him and left. He threatened me with solicitors and court but it never happened.

I often wonder what it is with exes and money. Must be a control thing.

BerylStreep Mon 07-Jan-13 16:05:01

OP, how did it go yesterday?

MsSavingPennies Mon 07-Jan-13 20:53:10

Just an update, and thank you all for your advice.

I called ds on Saturday and got ExH on the phone. He was going on about how ds had nothing to wear? Anyway I ignored his whining and said I would collect him as I arranged. I was waiting a for a drama but it was very strange, he said ok and no problem re money!! So we went from one extreme to the other!

So ds is with me and I have an appt with my solicitor.

I have a feeling that exh was spoken to by a family member, and told to get a grip.

tribpot Mon 07-Jan-13 21:13:08

So pleased he's home. I assume he won't be going to his dad's for a while.

Lueji Mon 07-Jan-13 21:15:58

Could the family member be DS? smile

BerylStreep Tue 08-Jan-13 16:08:23

Brilliant outcome!

How many days until you can divorce online?

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