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Feel so guilty

(45 Posts)
Ilovechorizo Fri 04-Jan-13 14:10:48

I need to get this off my chest and get some friendly advice, please don’t flame me.
I am a 36 year old SAHM with 3 LO’s. I thought my marriage was fairly strong, stable but not particularly exciting. I suppose the usual day to day routines of a having a young family. Recently I got chatting to one of the dad’s at the school drop off, he is funny and charming and married but I got a real thrill out of the obvious attention he was paying me.
He started coming over for morning coffee and last week we ended up having sex. The whole thing is so surreal but at the time felt so right I feel so guilty but so very excited at the same time, more alive than I have felt in years.

I know its wrong and that I need to stop. Has anyone else here been in the same situation and is able to offer me some advice, does it always end badly?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 14:15:55

It's definitely going to end badly if you live in the same place, shag at your house and meet each other at the school gate. Sorry, but you seem to be doing your level best to be caught at it...

Here's the score. If your life/marriage etc. is dull and you want to change things and stay married then talk to your husband, spruce up your relationship, spice up your life and commit yourself 100%. If your life/marriage is irretrievably dull and you want to end the marriage... end the marriage.

Either way, drop the school Dad until you've decided which of the above you are going to do. Otherwise you are heading for disaster.

Anniegetyourgun Fri 04-Jan-13 14:19:50

Neither this thread nor the situation is going to end well.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 14:23:40

Does School Dad have a partner as well..... confused?

It will not end well. Decide if you want to continue your marriage or not before you find somebody else. You are going to hurt a lot of people!

Ilovechorizo Fri 04-Jan-13 14:38:36

I know you are all right. We are being quite careful but it is risky.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 14:42:00

He doesn't have much respect for you does he? School Dad, that is

Lucy411 Fri 04-Jan-13 14:44:03

Think about your kids.. Your husband... Instead of showing this other man so much attention and concentrating on sneaking around for your next shag deal with the real issues you have which are at home and either end the marriage or sort it out, its just selfish!

porridgelover Fri 04-Jan-13 14:59:11

Ooops. There is no good ending to this for anyone involved. Except perhaps School Dad who may be the type to get his fun, then move on to the next one.

I'm sorry OP. I dont want to judge anyone, as we are all struggling with life. But this is'nt a solution to anything.
You cant deal with any of the issues that must be bubbling underneath to cause this if you continue with this 'relationship'.

ErikNorseman Fri 04-Jan-13 15:13:39

Yes, it always ends badly.

Sugarice Fri 04-Jan-13 15:33:27

End it before too much hurt is caused to everyone else!

Your relationship will be noticed soon enough by someone, then gossip will start and spread, blah blah blah.

It won't end well.

Ilovechorizo Fri 04-Jan-13 15:37:37

we are being very discreet and meeting in a car park some way from home.

Beaverfeaver Fri 04-Jan-13 15:38:37

Once you start getting that 'alive' / 'excitement' feeling from the sneaking and risk of getting caught, going back to your DH will end up not fulfilling you and you will be looking to fill that void that school dad filled (as he won't be filling it for long) they never do.
He will eventually get a conscience, or get caught. (More than likely he gets caught before you do)

Beaverfeaver Fri 04-Jan-13 15:40:25

Meeting in car park not very discreet. With modern technology there are so many ways for people to be checked up on once suspicion arises.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 15:41:40

You're shagging in the back of a car? hmm

Sugarice Fri 04-Jan-13 15:42:03

Don't bank on distance and discretion being enough to keep it secret!

There is always someone, somewhere who you didn't expect to see but who will see you.

Beaverfeaver Fri 04-Jan-13 15:45:22

Your said it yourself in your OP - you are feeling guilty . No amount of excitement will take the guilt away.
And that will be how you get caught.

People when stressed/tired sometimes sleep talk and if your feeling guilty, your conscience will want to get it out

Lueji Fri 04-Jan-13 15:46:08

So, it wasn't even a one off and you are pursuing this affair?

I think you owe it to yourself, your children and your husband to finish the relationship with him.

What if you get pregnant by him or catch an STI?

The devastation of finding out about an affair will be worse than just separating.

And how do you expect it to finish???

Ra88 Fri 04-Jan-13 15:47:12

Bitch . End of .

Slippersox Fri 04-Jan-13 15:47:30

You are being 'quite' careful but you know it's risky.Too right it is.Dont delude yourself no-one else at the school gates hasn't noticed as you've obviously been flirting/ dancing around each other for some time.
Essentially you say you have a solid marriage but life has got a bit dull.Well it won't be dull when your poor DH finds out.Prepare for the fireworks, a broken marriage and home for your children,or at very least spending months / years trying to repair the damage.If your marriage has got so stale work on it ,or leave it,but it doesn't stand a chance with this OM clouding the issue.
Sorry to sound harsh, but I've been on the other side of this situation and will never forget the phone call that exposed my DHs cheating, and the realisation that there was another woman in the background who found my DH fascinating because it was exciting and her life had got ' a bit dull'.And it all stared with a bit of ' harmless' flirting .

MirandaWest Fri 04-Jan-13 15:48:22

How did you do this last week? Aren't the children on school holidays?

Sugarice Fri 04-Jan-13 15:49:50

Miranda good point, it was still Christmas break, how did you arrange your shagging?

Slippersox Fri 04-Jan-13 15:58:52

Just read your post about discretion and meeting in a car park.Don't think you feel guilt, just a massive sense of self- entitlement.Do you want someone to say you deserve some excitment and go for it?!This isn't a situation that has got out of hand and a one off as a result of him coming around.This has been planned and you a going some way from home to meet him.

Oh god - can I just say this.... you total idiot. A dad from the school? Are you insane? Of course people will find out. Do you honestly think the other women at the school gate haven't noticed the 'obvious attention' he has been showing you. I'd put money on the gossip having gone viral already.

Think of all the people this affects - your DH, your DCs his DW, his DCs. My DH had an affair, we got through it... just. At least he had the good grace to keep it overseas away from my home turf. You've brought him home to your house - that is like a double betrayal. If I were your DH I'd probably kick you out, and then go round to his and punch him.

I know it is flattering to have someone pursue you, but you stand to lose everything here if your DH finds out. Your marriage, and your lover. When the sh*t hits the fan he is likely to drop you and go home to his wife. Most men do.

If you really must have an affair, keep it away from your home and your DCs.

Ilovechorizo Fri 04-Jan-13 16:03:13

You are all right..I know that I am am going to break off contact with the OM..its just not worth the risk

Jellybellydancer Fri 04-Jan-13 16:06:06

My ex did this to me. Shagging another mum at my DS's school. I found out and left him.

I walk into that school every morning not sure if I'll see her or not. It's torture. We argued about who could go to the nativity play because I could not bare to be in the same room as her. Apparently I'm the selfish one.

Clearly you posted for a reason. You know this is the wrong thing to do. How would you feel if your children knew ? They found out you behaved like this whilst they were there? You really need to consider the consequences of this coming out. How your H would feel. Parents & teachers knowing. Then how you hold your head up high every time you take and collect your children.

Are you ready for that? Will a cheap thrill be worthwhile then?

I left and I'm 100% better for it. My H - not so much.

porridgelover Fri 04-Jan-13 16:13:11

OP I hope you mean that for the sake of all concerned.

What steps are you going to take to fill the hole OM was temporarily filling?

Lucy411 Fri 04-Jan-13 16:27:46

There's another ladies post who has just found out her husband is cheating maybe take a read through some of those sumilar see how your thoughtless actions can really break some one like your husband when he finds out!

RabidCarrot Fri 04-Jan-13 16:50:16

Well I hope your DH chucks you out when he finds out, and I hope the other mans wife does the same, than bitch slaps you for a week

dippyDoohdah Fri 04-Jan-13 20:41:59

op, you will, and have, be flamed by some women who have gone through the pain of betrayal...but beyond that, I really promise you this: whether it ends now or in the future, one day you will regret this relationship so much. if you are never found out, you will carry a guilt that gets heavier with time and rots your enjoyment if your can be so hard being at home with 3 little ones and the change in yr relationship, but it still will be one of your highest me if you like x

GiveMeSomeSpace Fri 04-Jan-13 21:01:14

OP I'd suggest you end your marriage now. You're clearly a selfish person and have no respect for your husband or family

AlexanderS Fri 04-Jan-13 21:19:10

It will not end well, whether you're caught or not. Have a look at Ending Affair Support on ivillage.

By the way, you're mistaking the rush of illicit sex with somebody new for a feeling of "rightness".

cupcake78 Fri 04-Jan-13 21:24:39

Ok. It's not beyond saving but you need to open your eyes and realise what is happening to you!

You have been had, you are being used and taken advantage of. You are using and taking advantage of your husband who is earning the money and keeping the house that you are cheating on him in.

How you break contact with a person you see each day I have no idea but if you don't want your children's lives blown apart then you must stop now!

How will you explain to your children why daddy hates you, why you have made all their friends at school talk about them and call them names. Why they have to move house and only see you or dh every weekend!

Open your eyes op, this is so much bigger than you. You have the power to rip your family apart in the most painful way possible and it will happen if you continue! Everytime you have contact with him you stab your dh and dc in the heart without them even knowing about it. Or you can recognise that as an adult you need more in your life for you to feel satisfied, be that working on your marriage, a new hobby, a purpose etc.

This man and your relationship could ruin the lives of the 3 people you love the most in the worst and all because your bored and are feeling ignored. You couldn't be anymore selfish or immature.

Of course you also do the same to his children his wife his family.

Learn from your mistakes and learn fast otherwise you will be that women who broke up her family all for a cheap shag.

tzella Fri 04-Jan-13 23:59:26

It's not happening to her, she took him to get house and made it happen. It's not a mistake, she planned it in great detail. And her last post (oh I see yes I'll stop know) is bullshit.

mcmooncup Sat 05-Jan-13 00:05:00


SnoogyWoo Sat 05-Jan-13 08:39:44

That is awful and just the pits. Your husband at work paying the bills and while your DC are at school your having your card stamped by another bloke. I feel so sorry for your DH. Parents evening is going to be awkward in the future!

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 05-Jan-13 08:49:03

Hmmmm are you actually going to stop? Or are you just going to say that you are, but continue?

Chandon Sat 05-Jan-13 08:54:35

Weird, I remember this thread from a year ago, thought it was a zombie thread!

shouldkeepquiet Sat 05-Jan-13 09:27:39

This happened in our village with a mum and dad at the primary school some years ago.It all came out of course and although her husband stood by her the other mums and her friends totally ostracised her. You think your getting flammed on here- wait for the real life backlash!
She used to wait for her kids in the car park on her own and cut a pretty sorry figure. After a couple of years her husband left her and she is now on her own in rented flat, no friends and TBH looks 10 years older and totally broken.
Do you think she thinks it was all worth it now?

lauriedriver Sat 05-Jan-13 09:34:27

If you love your husband you should concentrate on perking up your marriage.

Start spending some quality time together & reignite the spark & cut off all contact with the other guy.

If you don't want to save your marriage you should grow a pair & leave him instead of playing the poor guy for a fool. Think how you'd feel if he was doing the same to you

digerd Sat 05-Jan-13 10:36:58

I can't believe this is for real. But we all know it happens, unfortunately.
Admitting to having exciting sex in the in the back of a car, is so teenagerish - I remember it well!! The best was in the front seat when I was 18, single and childless.
Grow up OP, before you ruin your family's and the OM's future.

digerd Sat 05-Jan-13 10:38:21

And with a condom.

Distrustinggirlnow Sat 05-Jan-13 10:59:30

I have nothing to add to what has already been said, apart from, as as the wife of someone who met his OW in a car park some distance away from where we live, please, please stop this now. You have no idea, no idea whatsoever how it will feel for the OM wife and for your DH when this comes out. And despite how careful and discreet you think u are being, you will get caught.

It may not be now, it may be in years to come.....
The guilt will eat you up.
And once OM has moved onto the next mum, how will you hide your feelings from your DH. won't he notice you're upset about something, snappy with him and the kids, can't be bothered attitude. It won't be long before he puts two and two together, checks your phone and emails and bingo! You're the rabbit in the headlights with no where to run. Bet it won't feel so exciting then, bet you won't feel so 'right' and 'alive'.

RabidCarrot Sat 05-Jan-13 15:15:16

Did he get you cheap perfume for Christmas?

MummyIsMagic79 Sat 05-Jan-13 20:33:27

I was on the receiving end of this very scenario recently. My H had an affair with one of the mums at our kids school.

End it now.

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