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dh says I'm lazy - am I?

(73 Posts)
Tethering Fri 04-Jan-13 11:17:11

I've namechanged for this because I'm a bit blush
Ok, so relationship is quite rocky.Anyway on NYE dh was all 'let's make our relationship better this year, etc, etc'. I said my preference would be for relationship to work but my priority is to be happier as I feel sad and drained a lot. I'm starting counselling this month.
Anyway, since NYE dh has called me 'a lazy bitch' every single day.
Now, I'll admit the house is pretty untidy because we got into a stand-off about dh not pulling his weight. Plus we have little storage but he insists on buying dc toys all the time. (you may say 'buy storage' - I have bought some but when I try to buy larger pieces of furniture I ask him to contribute financially and he freaks out and says it's his house and that I can't decorate it . . .(just realising how pathetic that sounds sad )
I work in our business whilst dc is at nursery. I also work freelance. I do all the shopping, cooking, washing. Dh does own ironing. He has recently started to wash the dishes. I'm the one who washes, dresses, plays with dc, reads to him, etc. I did all the Christmas shopping,etc. DH watches cartoons with dc and occasionally (about once every 3 months) will take dc out for a few hours so I can get some time to myself. Dh will also occasionally give dc breakfast.
When dh comes in from work. He is either on the computer or straight upstairs to listen to the radio in the bedroom.
I admit I'm tired a lot - more so than I feel I should be and I do seem to struggle with getting on top of housework- but I've never really thought of myself as lazy . . .so I guess I'm looking for a kick up the backside because I might respond better to one from mn than I do to dh's!

pictish Fri 04-Jan-13 11:20:14

You're not lazy - but he is!

Regardless, calling you a lazy bitch on a daily basis is beyond the pale. He has no respect for you.

What are you looking for? Do you need confirmation that you are right?
You've got it.

What now?

Nici177 Fri 04-Jan-13 11:22:13

You are in no way lazy, you're doing far more than your share of housework and childcare and frankly your OH is an arse! I don't consider myself lazy yet my DH does far more than yours, and not because I ask him to or nag, because he is a decent human being who understands the concept if shared parenting and being in a grown up relationship. Also, he would never, ever consider calling me names, I am aghast that your OH thinks its ok to call you a bitch on a daily basis.

What do you get from this relationship exactly?

ShamyFarrahCooper Fri 04-Jan-13 11:22:24

Read that back...then tell me who is in the wrong. Slight clue, it's NOT you.

There is NO excuse for him calling you names. He doesn't want the relationship to get better for both of you, he wants YOU to make things better for him. Don't fall for it.

You don't need a kick up the backside, he needs a kick out of the door if he doesn't change.

glasscompletelybroken Fri 04-Jan-13 11:23:44

It doesn't matter if you're lazy or not - that's not the issue. The issue is that you have an unequal relationship where your DH gets what he wants by making you feel inadequate and not his equal.

He calls you lazy because it pushes your buttons. next time he does it just don't react.

He isn't really sticking to his new years resolution is he? How will calling you names make your relationship better?

Just tell him that your new years resolution is to come to a decision about whether you want to continue in this relationship and if the answer is no to get on with getting out.

Good luck!

dequoisagitil Fri 04-Jan-13 11:23:53

You're not happy cos you live with a verbally abusive, lazy, entitled git of a man.

And if you're married, I hate to break it to him, but it's not 'his' house. And if he sees the assets of the marriage as 'his', the courts would see it somewhat differently.

janelikesjam Fri 04-Jan-13 11:25:19

I'm not surprised you are tired tbh.

On one side of the page I saw "own ironing, occasional washing up and very occasional outing". On the other side of the page I saw "everything else" hmm.

BerylStreep Fri 04-Jan-13 11:28:07

He isn't contributing to the household, and he is verbally and emotionally abusive to you.

Tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck, and get thee to a solicitor pronto.

coppertop Fri 04-Jan-13 11:32:29

So to sum things up, your dh:

- irons his own clothes (presumably no-one else's?)

- Takes his own child(ren) out four times a year

- Occasionally gives his own child(ren) breakfast

Meanwhile you are working at two different jobs and doing everything else.

And he calls you lazy??? confused

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 11:34:05

"Anyway, since NYE dh has called me 'a lazy bitch' every single day."

Whatever you do or don't do, verbal abuse is utterly unacceptable and intolerable. Rather than wondering if you are at fault and seeking counselling, show the nasty little creep the door. Your life will be instantly 100% happier.

Anniegetyourgun Fri 04-Jan-13 11:34:59

Apart from being knackered running your own business, household, children and coping with a man-child, have you considered your tiredness might be partly due to a medical cause? You could be anaemic perhaps, or low thyroid or something. Might be worth a check-up. However, I'm guessing it's psychological, and once you don't have Mr Sunshine telling you how crap you are on a daily basis you'll rediscover a wellspring of energy.

Tethering Fri 04-Jan-13 11:36:26

Thanks everyone.
pictish, I was just sitting looking at house (and reading mn blush )and thinking maybe he was right?
glass, basically my point at NYE was that I'm deciding if I want to be in this relationship or not. In the past, I've always been the one who has cried and said I didn't want us to split when we had fights but I'm getting near the end of my tether.
Basically, this morning, I've emptied bins, packed papers for recycling, put a washing in, answered our work emails, cleaned the kitchen worktops, started to pack away Christmas decorations, played archery with dc smile and filed work correspondence.
Dh gave dc breakfast, made some work calls and then left for the day. It didn't feel overly unbalanced but I think the problem is dh wants me to do more than him. Well, actually, that's only one of the problems. The lack of respect is another massive issue!

Fairenuff Fri 04-Jan-13 11:38:33

Is there no reasoning with this man?

Will he not sit down with you and agree how to move forward. Will he agree not to insult you or belittle you. Will he agree that the jobs need to be divided more equally. Will he agree that sometimes you will have different opinions and that you need to listen to each other and compromise?

If not you have two choices - carry on like this for as long as you can bear it, or start the process of separation.

What do you want?

PostBellumBugsy Fri 04-Jan-13 11:39:49

I shudder when I read statements like "Anyway, since NYE dh has called me a 'lazy bitch' every single day". How dare anyone speak to you like that? I know people have arguments and things get said that shouldn't, but this doesn't sound like that. This sounds like verbal abuse, long-standing unpleasant name calling to erode someone's elses view of themselves. He has actually made you think that you might be a lazy bitch - which you so clearly are not.
Don't tolerate this - assert your right not to be spoken to like that & tell him exactly where to get off.

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 04-Jan-13 11:40:56

Do you both have EQUAL amounts of child free leisure time?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 11:42:34

What's happening to you is that he is setting the bar of 'acceptable' out of reach whilst doing nothing himself and backing this up with verbal abuse. The effect is that he's got you running around trying to please, trying to reach this unreachable target, doubting your own judgement and all the time your confidence is getting lower and lower.

Yes he wants you to do more than him and, newsflash, he's doing pretty well at achieving that through manipulative and abusive behaviour.

Enough... right?

EuroShagmore Fri 04-Jan-13 11:42:34

I wouldn't be with anyone who spoke to me like that. But if you want to try to make it work, make a list of who does what (as fairly as you can) and show it to him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 11:44:34

@EuroShagmore... he's not interested in lists or what other people do or don't do. He's only interested in crushing the spirit out the clearly hard-working conscientious OP by convincing her she's lazy! Look at the thread title..... he's smashed her self-esteem and judgement so much she has to ask a bunch of strangers 'am I lazy'?

He's a piece of work.

pictish Fri 04-Jan-13 11:46:43

I agree,
The list would be ridiculed, then used as a weapon.

TurnipCake Fri 04-Jan-13 11:57:31

I just wanted to echo others in that this guy is a verbally abusive, lazy, manipulative arsehole.

I lived with a lazy gut. It amazed me whenever he would go on his diving trips how much happier I was and how much cleaner the house seemed with less effort on my part.

TurnipCake Fri 04-Jan-13 11:58:04

Sorry, that should read lazy git. Autocorrect is being too kind

Tethering Fri 04-Jan-13 11:59:01

Actually dh suggested a list at one point but when we talked about it, there were distinctions between being responsible for stuff and doing it . . . basically, he wanted to be in control of all the decisions (from colour of cushions to moving furniture) but I could be responsible for doing most of that stuff. I didn't see the point in pursuing that kind of list.
He can be verbally abusive (which is one of the reasons I'm rethinking the whole relationship) but he doesn't usually swear at me.
I don't tend to react emotionally. I just said I didn't think it was fair to call me lazy.
I guess the other reason I was questioning myself is because my dsis visited recently and said to dh 'do you remember what your house was like before tethered?'
However, dsis doesn't know what his house was like before me. What she remembers is what the house was like before we had dc. Actually there is very little of my stuff in the house. Most of it is still in storage.
I was talking to a friend about it and she said she does everything in the house her dh does nothing. I guess it was all those conversations combined that made me ask the question in my op.

Anniegetyourgun Fri 04-Jan-13 12:02:09

Believe me, if there were any sign you are lazy you'd get both barrels from MN. If you ain't getting it, it's because you don't deserve it.

Someone link that old story about the man who comes home one day and finds...

MovingGal Fri 04-Jan-13 12:02:41

Think about it:

1: He calls you a "Lazy Bitch"every day - Whats next? Its very aggressive - do you want to live with whatever the next level of aggression is? and the next?

2: He tells you that the house is his and that you are not allowed to decorate it or change any furniture - Is this the way that you as an adult want to live for the rest of your life?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 12:05:55

"he doesn't usually swear at me."

He has called you a lazy bitch every day for the last five days.....

"there is very little of my stuff in the house"

So it's 'his house' and you're just the housekeeper and childminder .... know your place?

"she does everything in the house her dh does nothing"

Just because your friend has a lazy husband that has convinced her this is acceptable ... two wrongs don't make a right.

He's controlling you all ways up

notnagging Fri 04-Jan-13 12:06:52

I think just writing that out has given you your answer op. your dh sounds horrible.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 12:08:15

Tell me.... did your husband grow up in some exotic land with servants? Did/does he have indulgent parents that never let him lift a finger at home? Where does a man in 2013 still get the idea that women exist simply to do their bidding?

Fairenuff Fri 04-Jan-13 12:10:45

I'm glad that you are reaching the end of your tether actually, OP. Perhaps you can now start to admit to yourself how bad it has got.

None of this is your fault. None of it. You could be exactly the same person doing exactly the same thing with a different partner and you would not be treated like this. It's not you, it's him.

There is nothing you can do to please him. It will never be enough. Happiness is not about how tidy the house is, or who does the washing up. It's about mutual respect, love, trust and support. If you don't have that, you have nothing.

Anniegetyourgun Fri 04-Jan-13 12:12:23

Huh, you lot are no use, I'll have to link it myself.

And then think how much less cooking and tidying you'd have to do if there were one fewer in the household.

happygolurky Fri 04-Jan-13 12:16:53

basically, he wanted to be in control of all the decisions (from colour of cushions to moving furniture) but I could be responsible for doing most of that stuff. I didn't see the point in pursuing that kind of list.

Marriage should be a partnership, not one person calling the shots and another doing the shitwork.

Even if your friend does 99% of housework, I bet she is allowed to make decisions on decorating, have her own belongings in the house, and isnt repeatedly called a lazy cow?

I feel so sad for you putting up with this sad

Reaa Fri 04-Jan-13 12:20:10

My DH called me that once so I did nothing but basic stuff (feed the DC) for 2 whole days, he soon realised how much I did everyday after that smile

sue52 Fri 04-Jan-13 12:26:20

Please howyour DH the responses to your question. That should show him who is the lazy one

EuroShagmore Fri 04-Jan-13 12:33:01

Cogito I said that I wouldn't be with this man. I wouldn't be with anyone who treated me with so little respect. But for some reason the OP is. Therefore I was coming up with a constructive suggestion to try to move things forward.

Yama Fri 04-Jan-13 12:34:03

Dear God, of course you are not lazy.

I do far, far, far less than you. I wouldn't tolerate the person who is supposed to love me calling me any name. Don't normalise this behaviour, it's really not acceptable.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 12:38:23

@Euro... I understand. smile But I think the only constructive way forward for Mr Crown Prince Of All I Survey is down the hall and out of the door with a very large boot up his backside.

jessjessjess Fri 04-Jan-13 12:39:54

He should not be calling you lazy or a bitch.

I am currently feeling very wiped out by various things and getting over some back problems. DH is doing the majority of the housework - no kids yet as we are TTC - including cooking, washing up, laundry and hoovering. I keep thanking him. He shrugs and says I'm his wife and he likes taking care of me.

Am also v concerned about him saying it's his house and you can't decorate - you live there with your child!

Please LTB. He sounds horrible.

PostBellumBugsy Fri 04-Jan-13 12:41:16

How about you make a list of all the things you do & then write in big capital letters on the bottom - DON'T YOU EVER CALL ME A LAZY BITCH AGAIN.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 12:45:10

How about sending the divorce papers and putting 'DON'T YOU EVER CALL ME A LAZY BITCH AGAIN' on the envelope... ?

ImperialBlether Fri 04-Jan-13 12:58:44

I am really shocked, OP. I just couldn't stay in a relationship where I was being called names, particularly on a daily basis. I just couldn't.

The thing is, for him, that he feels it's his house and that you are lodging in it. Therefore he sees that you are the one making the mess as I'm sure before he was married with a child the house wasn't a mess. Most people's aren't, because they're out at work all day, out for a drink in the evenings then home to bed. There's not really much chance to make it messy.

He doesn't feel you are a family, OP. You are the interloper in his mind. He wants his home back to how it was before you all arrived and he won't make any effort to do anything about it.

I wouldn't put up with it and I would leave. If he once, just once, called me a lazy bitch I wouldn't forget it. If he said it repeatedly then I would go. You can't make someone respect you. You can't make them be a decent person. You wait for them to reveal themselves and if they show they are nasty then you go.

I wouldn't normally say this, but I would take that fucker for everything you can.

ImperialBlether Fri 04-Jan-13 12:59:36

Oh and don't worry about him having 50-50 care. Tell him he can have his radio in part exchange. The fucker. I really don't like him!

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Fri 04-Jan-13 13:08:10

Yes - you need a kick up the backside that's for sure.

HIS

I don't even know where to start there are so many issues. Bottom line is that I would LTB and be happy with your DS.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Fri 04-Jan-13 13:09:17

You aren't actually married are you?

Tethering Fri 04-Jan-13 13:16:30

Thanks everyone. I'm a bit shock tbh and a bit tearful. I guess it's possible to see situations more clearly from the outside.
I'm not sure I'll update about this because I don't see him changing . . . the only change can be my response to it and whether or not I'm in this relationship, and that's what I'm going to work on.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 04-Jan-13 13:27:30

Calling you a bitch even once is unacceptable.

I'm so sad for you that you have spent even one second considering whether he might be right about the "lazy" part, considering how little he does and how much you do. And his entitlement re: himself as decision-maker, and you as shitwork-operator is just shock

This man is controlling, nasty, entitled, verbally and financially abusive.

You deserve better.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 04-Jan-13 13:29:29

the only change can be my response to it and whether or not I'm in this relationship, and that's what I'm going to work on.

You are extremely perceptive and wise if you're able to see this. I'm so glad to have read this, and with that amount of perceptiveness I think you will do fine. You can be proud of yourself.

ouryve Fri 04-Jan-13 13:32:07

Even if you were sat on your arse all day doing absolutely nothing, he has no business talking to you like that. It doesn't matter whether you are lazy or not - calling you a "lazy bitch" is not on and is downright disrespectful.

NaturalBaby Fri 04-Jan-13 13:34:28

Name calling is pathetic and childish. Calling you names is not going to help anyone or achieve anything. Tell him if he has a problem with the housework then you can have a discussion about the facts - i.e the lounge needs tidying, the laundry needs doing. If he feels like he's doing more than his fair share then discuss the facts i.e who's done what jobs that day.

Personally, in our house neither of us sit down to do our own thing until the house is tidy, the kids are happy and quiet and busy, dishes have been tidied/washed after a meal.
My DH comes in from work and doesn't get to sit down to do his own thing till the kids are all in bed (all under 5) and the dishes are done.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 13:39:18

"Name calling is pathetic and childish"

Name-calling is Domestic Abuse.

NaturalBaby Fri 04-Jan-13 13:50:55

hmm I call DH a grumpy *%^&$ when I'm really exasperated, is that really domestic abuse?!

HecatePropolos Fri 04-Jan-13 13:54:41

He's an arse.

He wants to split the jobs into him being the decision maker and you carrying them out?

If it wasn't so revolting that would actually make me laugh my arse off.

Who does he think he is?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 13:56:30

In the OP's context, being repeatedly called 'a lazy bitch' is certainly Domestic Abuse. It is the tip of the iceberg.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Fri 04-Jan-13 13:59:32

This is a man who hates women and considers them men's inferiors and men's servants. This abuse is his idea of training you to know your place. Men like this do not change because their fundamental belief is that they are entitled to own, control and punish women. See a solicitor and divorce him. You will feel much better.

Never mind the lazy question - your own husband is calling you a bitch !

FFS, is that acceptable to you?

I have had two husbands and I would not have tolerated either one of them calling me a bitch. Why would you want to be with someone who thinks it's ok to speak to you like that?

angry

Lueji Fri 04-Jan-13 14:04:46

The "bitch" alone would merit a LTB.

Even if you were lazy, there would be no need for that.

Allergictoironing Fri 04-Jan-13 14:46:14

basically, he wanted to be in control of all the decisions (from colour of cushions to moving furniture) but I could be responsible for doing most of that stuff. I didn't see the point in pursuing that kind of list

I did laugh at this, it's just SO entitled and typical of a few men I know, and strangely I was talking just this morning to someone about how certain men insist that the house is perfect but expect their woman to do it all.

That quote about the list should tell you that no you aren't the lazy one, he is. You are most likely tired because you don't get any "me" time, as someone else said above, just try adding up how much DC-free relaxation time each of you get.

I don't think he realises that if you are married it doesn't matter who's name is on the deeds of the house. You also say I work in our business - does that mean you have your own business (you and (D)H), and if so are you legally an officer of the company/listed anywhere as a partner of this company?

Tethering Fri 04-Jan-13 14:46:36

Hecate, I did laugh. I thought he must have been joking. It's only as time has gone on that I'm starting to think he meant the list as a serious suggestion.

Tethering Fri 04-Jan-13 15:08:51

allergic, yes, I have legal rights to company and financially we take the same salary (pro rata - he works more hours hence earns more). I think someone said upthread he was financially abusive because of my comment about the furniture buying but I have my own salary and bank accounts. I don't think he is financially abusive. I try to seek consensus and contributions on large purchases for public rooms hence why they don't happen. In the rest of the house (eg kitchen, dcs' rooms) I'll buy furniture,etc, without his input and pay for it myself.

laughinglikeadrain Fri 04-Jan-13 15:10:38

"leave the bastard"

dequoisagitil Fri 04-Jan-13 15:18:04

Thing is, if he is pretty well off while perhaps you scrimp, and you don't have the same level of lifestyle (perhaps he buys designer clothes and you go to Matalan for example) it suggests there are deep inequities in the relationship. And I'd be leaning towards a financially abusive interpretation.

I don't know if that is true of your situation. But I always find the notion of 'his' money and 'her' money rather than a couple/family pooling of resources troubling. It can work, but only if both contribute fairly related to relative incomes and have a similar amount left to themselves for use.

janelikesjam Fri 04-Jan-13 15:25:18

Am a bit puzzled/confused re. furniture thing. Re. the kitchen, does he not use it? Re. the DC's bedrooms, is he not their father?

Iwasafairybutlostmywings Fri 04-Jan-13 15:35:14

running a 'house' as well as working is enough in itself how awful to call you that. sad
I had a thought whilst reading your post if you are feeling tired alot is it worth getting your iron levels checked?....
x

BerylStreep Fri 04-Jan-13 15:47:16

I don't understand why you pay for furniture out of 'your' money.

Although I suppose when you leave him you can take all the furniture?

Tethering Fri 04-Jan-13 15:48:38

Thanks for suggestions about iron levels Iwasafairy and someone else upthread (sorry I can't remember the poster's name). I had them checked a few months ago (as I've had lots of problems in the past) but they were fine. It might be time for another appointment though.
Dequo, the separate accounts was more at my instigation than his. My dm drilled into me that you should always have your 'own' money although I realise lots of couples don't work that way. I pay some bills and dh pays all the rest. We try to work it so our disposable income at the end of the month is about the same.
I should probably point out that dh wasn't always like this. When we got married dh did more in the house than I did because I had a long commute. He's just gradually withdrawn from household stuff.

BerylStreep Fri 04-Jan-13 15:49:24

Perhaps next time you need to reply;

'If you ever call me a lazy bitch again I will cut your balls off and wear them as earrings.'

happygolucky0 Fri 04-Jan-13 15:59:32

when people put you down and make you feel wrong that can make you feel tired. As well as crap. I was reading on here a couple of days ago the signs of abuse. It was a very good description. I wondered if anyone reads this and knows where it is they could link it for op. It would be good for you to know I think op. Or even goggle emotional abuse.

Allergictoironing Fri 04-Jan-13 16:05:08

So when he raised the subject of who owns what ( he freaks out and says it's his house and that I can't decorate it ) he probably isn't thinking things through. If you left him, or kicked him out, you get a fair chunk of both the house AND the business (cackles evilly).

Do you realise that in the long term you'd probably be BETTER off than him? You get a big chunk of the house & business, you can just up the amount of freelance work you do, and he either has to employ someone to do the work in the business you used to do or cover it himself (assuming he does buy out your share of the business).

i'm not suggesting that you leave him with the sole purpose of screwing him out of everything you can get, but his attitude might just change a bit if he gets faced with the fact that you have significant financial rights if he pushes you too far. Could be time to visit a solicitor, just to get the info on what you would be able to get if you DID leave......

happygolucky0 Fri 04-Jan-13 16:07:51

Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships:
Sorry I dont know how to do a link.

Tethering Fri 04-Jan-13 16:10:36

Beryl that made me lol grin

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Fri 04-Jan-13 22:50:19

OP, it's very very common for abusive men to show their true colours after marriage, particularly when the first baby arrives. All of a sudden they decide the woman is a 'woman' therefore all domestic work and childcare are her responsibility and that they, because they have a Mighty Penis, are the overlord of the house.

Allergictoironing Sat 05-Jan-13 09:39:49

The other reason they wait until after the first DC is they know that women tend to be hard-wired into protecting the child to such a degree that they will be much more reluctant to leave if there are children that will be impacted.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Jan-13 09:48:25

"My dm drilled into me that you should always have your 'own' money "

My DM did the very same thing and, when my marriage went tits up, her advice literally saved my bacon. Very true about men with abusive tendencies showing their true colours once the first baby arrives and ramping up the behaviour. Very common indeed

Gotitwrong Sat 05-Jan-13 11:30:25

Do you love him??????
I spent far too many years with my now ex-husband :-)
got divorced in November :-)
been togther from when I was 16 until I finally got a backbone and kicked him out when I was 45!!!!!
3 kids, I worked and did so from when each child was 6 months old and did literally everything in the house and with the children........
but for years I knew that I didn't love him, in actual fact I despised him yet I carried on with no-one knowing what was going on behind closed doors. Why?????
Because I didn't know any different. Thought all men were like him and it was only joining MN that I realised that actually a marriage/relationship is not supposed to be like this.
I truly believe that when a relationship deteriorates to level that you describe then it is really difficult to get it back on track beacuse if you both loved each other then it surely would not have got so bad :-(
it does sound like he is living like my ex did - in the 1950's.......that is how I described my marraige and I have been on my own with the children for 20 months now and could not be happier. Children happy and there is fun, love, laughter back in our home but most of all the children do not see and hear me being treated with such disrespect!!!!
That is what you are being shown on a day to day basis - complete disrespect and you deserve better and so does your DC.
Hope I am not being harsh but I am worried that unless you face up to how you are being treated that you, like me will waste far too many years just putting up and shutting up :-(

LadyLapsang Sat 05-Jan-13 12:03:50

I think you should seek legal advice (without him knowing) so you are as clear as you can be about your position in the event of you deciding to split up. Your partner realises it is difficult for you to make a stand about his behaviour without harming your child / children, hearing rows etc., and is exploiting this.

If you can trust him to look after the children while you are not there I would suggest going away for a long weekend / week away to concentrate his mind about the work involved in running a house and caring for young children but I wonder if he may prioritise housework over childcare or else call in back up in the form of friends and relatives to take the children off his hands and then just say everything was a piece of cake.

Whatever you decide to do, please don't put up with his abuse. Good luck.

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