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Kids have gone to their dad's. So sad and lonely

(72 Posts)
tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Thu 03-Jan-13 19:58:10

That's it really.

I separated three months ago after years of misery (some of you will know this, I've done a lot of agonising on here).

We are sharing custody.

Things are going really well with the children, my relationship with them is great now I'm happier in myself without dh.

But I miss them so much. At the beginning I was busy sorting out the house but now I'm not and it feels so empty and pointless without them.

I've just said goodbye until Saturday morning and was bright and breezy as they left.

But the tears started flowing before I'd even shut the door properly and now they won't stop sad

I know it's early days, but it's hitting me that this is the way it is forever now, too.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 03-Jan-13 20:02:02

Stay and talk to us. It will get easier. Soon enough, you will be looking forward to alll the me time you are going to get.

MushroomSoup Thu 03-Jan-13 20:04:01

Believe me, it gets easier. I remember crying and hugging their pillows.
Now, I wave them goodbye and enjoy 'me' time. I know they are happy and well looked after when they are with their dad so I plan things that charge my batteries: I lie in, have long baths, visit friends, go to the cinema or to the pub. I also do all my housework and laundry so that when they're back with me I can spend more quality time with them.

It does get easier. Just be kind to yourself and expect it to take time. Plan some nice child-free treats.

Mynewmoniker Thu 03-Jan-13 20:05:21

Ye. Stick with us smile You are amongst friends here. Let's have a girlie night! <goes off to get manicure stuff>

nkf Thu 03-Jan-13 20:10:07

Me too. Feel so unhappy.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Thu 03-Jan-13 20:10:10

smile Thanks.

I want to go and get a bottle of wine but I need to cut down drinking or stop. I hit the bottle when they are not here.

MushroomSoup Thu 03-Jan-13 20:10:22

I've poured G&Ts for us all

<slices limes>

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Thu 03-Jan-13 20:10:24

It's crap sad

Shybairns Thu 03-Jan-13 20:10:33

I had that awful sinking feeling the first few times my ex took the kids. But in a matter of a month I was really looking forward to my time off. Time to pamper myself, time to rest and gather my strength.

Is there some exercise you enjoy doing? Or a hobby you put on ice?

You will start to enjoy the breaks, sooner than you think. You are still their mummy 100% and they need you more than ever.

MushroomSoup Thu 03-Jan-13 20:11:22

Ooh just read that, Tired!

<hides the gin bottle behind the sofa cushions and gets the kettle on>

NoNoNoMYDoIt Thu 03-Jan-13 20:13:06

I understand. 2yrs 4 months for me. My DCs are 6 and nearly 4. I can't say it gets any easier and I don't love my me time. I don't think I will ever get used to them not being with me. But I have found ways of existing when they aren't here and boy - the highs when they are with me are amazing.

Like you, I am happier in myself. And I am sure you will find you can make the absolute best of the time you have them. You can get chores and shopping done and even prepare some meals in advance so that when they are with you, it is all about the fun. I focus on making sure life is fun when they are with me. We make a big mess, they have friends around (and make a big mess). You get the idea. I can clean it all up when they are with their dad.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Thu 03-Jan-13 20:13:47

Thanks Mushroomgrin

I'm having a Becks Blue right now (no alcohol) x

NoNoNoMYDoIt Thu 03-Jan-13 20:14:57

I understand about the drinking too. I have drunk far too heavily for years. In August I turned 40 and decided to cut right back. Have had a splurge over Xmas but back on the wagon again now.

Do you exercise? I find that takes up some of my time and helps me switch my brain off for a bit. I run.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Thu 03-Jan-13 20:15:55

Thanks everyone.

the highs when they are with me are amazing

This is true. We had an amazing day yesterday - ice skating at the Natural History Museum and then the Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park. They were so happy. I couldn't afford it but it was magical.

I think that's why this is such a comedown sad

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Thu 03-Jan-13 20:20:34

NoNoNo I have never been happier more sober than when I used to go running nearly every day.

But I got a knee problem and my physio said it's my gait and orthotics wouldn't help. I started cycling but I fell out with my cycling buddy and I daren't do country lanes on my own. Maybe I should try yoga or something.

I've been drinking too much for years as well and am turning 42 in a couple of weeks.

NoNoNoMYDoIt Thu 03-Jan-13 20:21:34

I was guilty initially of trying to do too much with them. I wanted to fill every single second and make it amazing. But I have calmed it down now. You can't keep up the full on activities and it isn't 'normal' for the kids either. DCs dad does all the Disney stuff with them - zoo, museum, aquarium. We do more free stuff. And stuff with other kids. That is my choice and I can't afford all the expensive day trips.

How old are your kids?

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Thu 03-Jan-13 20:23:42

I feel guilty about dh as well. I was the one that ended it. He must miss them too and I'm conscious of it when they are with me. They are 10 and 12 and I think he fears getting frozen out as they are getting older.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Thu 03-Jan-13 20:24:05

I should have said they are both girls, that's why.

NoNoNoMYDoIt Thu 03-Jan-13 20:24:39

What was your knee problem? A lot of knee problems are IT band related or down to imbalances in glutes. If you think running would help, I would definitely try and get a second opinion.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Thu 03-Jan-13 20:26:29

go to the cinema or to the pub

Who with, Mushroom?

All my friends are in couples.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Thu 03-Jan-13 20:29:21

IT band related

That was exactly it. I've got a slight valgus deformity (cross eyed knees). It took me ages to pluck up the courage to go running as I look a bit silly and got laughed at primary school. Then I got so I didn't give a fuck. I went from being really unfit to doing 10Ks then I got the problem and it was hopeless. It's worse if you run downhill a lot and it's unavoidable here.

I also separated 3 months ago. I appreciate the lie in I get when they have stayed over and I know they like spending time with him and miss him. But I worry he will lose it over stuff, like things getting accidentally broken and I'm not there to protect them. sad

lizzie479 Thu 03-Jan-13 20:31:18

Go by yourself tired! Not the pub maybe but the cinema definately. Go to an early evening show or afternoon screening. You will be surprised to see you are not alone in your aloneness. Plus its better than being stuck inside the same four walls. Be brave, you can do it smile

claraschu Thu 03-Jan-13 20:32:25

My friend (divorced with shared PR for her two kids) told me three years after the divorce that, painful as the short separations from her children always are, she has become aware of a hidden benefit.

She has been forced to work on her own life: hobbies, friends, exercise, etc., and as the kids get older she is glad to have developed all these other interests. Now her eventual "empty nest" is something she is better prepared for.

Shybairns Thu 03-Jan-13 20:34:39

Your coupled friends (if they are good friends) should have time for you too.

I found myself in the wierd position of my best mate ending her marraige within a couple of months if mine ending. As well as two mums at school who were going through divorce. So all of a sudden I had single friends.

I remember back in the summer looking out of my bedroom window and seeing every garden filled with families playing together. Couldn't have felt lower at that moment. Get so jealous of friends with good marraiges.

Hi tired, nc but it is cannotseeaway here. I very much feel your pain, I miss my two dearly when dc are at ex's and don't know what to do with myself, even though I have a hundred things to do. One thing I was looking forward to was the lie ins as dd wakes at 6am, but, guess what? My eyes pop open at 6am every morning like I have had an electric shock grin .

I am trying to make sure I catch up with someone every day I do not have them so I don't have the whole day stretching ahead of me. I also went out for breakfast with the papers on my own Saturday, just a little thing I would never get the chance to do otherwise.

I think it will get easier... smile

izzyhasanewchangeling Thu 03-Jan-13 20:38:10

I remember these days, I used to cry the whole weekend away when oldest DC was at his dads, but it got easier, also I highly recommend getting out

Find a hobby - do something - dont just sit at home, it does drag.

NoNoNoMYDoIt Thu 03-Jan-13 20:40:01

IT band is usually related to weak glutes. Google it... A lot of runners get it band problems and you can work through it. Absolutely!

I have the same feelings about married friends with their kids. When I haven't got mine the last thing I want to do is go around to friends' houses and spend time with theirs. Not because I don't like them. Just because it is hard for me to do.

Lostgirl27 Thu 03-Jan-13 20:41:46

I know how you feel too, especially about the drinking. I separated from my XH just over 7 years ago now and up until 6 months ago, all I did was drink when DS went to his dads hmm I couldn't bare how I felt, and how the house felt, it was like my life just stopped when DS walked out the door.

Unfortunately I am still feeling as you are now when he goes but like the other posters have said, I think it's just a matter of getting used to having and enjoying "me time"

But you're right to avoid the booze, if you've recognised that it's not doing you any good.

Lostgirl27 Thu 03-Jan-13 20:41:46

I know how you feel too, especially about the drinking. I separated from my XH just over 7 years ago now and up until 6 months ago, all I did was drink when DS went to his dads hmm I couldn't bare how I felt, and how the house felt, it was like my life just stopped when DS walked out the door.

Unfortunately I am still feeling as you are now when he goes but like the other posters have said, I think it's just a matter of getting used to having and enjoying "me time"

But you're right to avoid the booze, if you've recognised that it's not doing you any good.

Lostgirl27 Thu 03-Jan-13 20:41:46

I know how you feel too, especially about the drinking. I separated from my XH just over 7 years ago now and up until 6 months ago, all I did was drink when DS went to his dads hmm I couldn't bare how I felt, and how the house felt, it was like my life just stopped when DS walked out the door.

Unfortunately I am still feeling as you are now when he goes but like the other posters have said, I think it's just a matter of getting used to having and enjoying "me time"

But you're right to avoid the booze, if you've recognised that it's not doing you any good.

Lostgirl27 Thu 03-Jan-13 21:20:24

Oh dear, has my presence killed this thread?? Curse of the newbie blush

ah lostgirl that's usually my job grin

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 03-Jan-13 21:54:31

I am coupled up, but that would be put to one side if a friend needed some company

Lostgirl27 Thu 03-Jan-13 21:55:00

Thankfully I've lurked long enough to know this is protocol, think I'll go kill some more smile

Badvoc Thu 03-Jan-13 21:58:49

Oh I am so sorry sad
It must be dreadful.
Do be kind to yourself...do something just for you, something special.
X

nkf Thu 03-Jan-13 22:07:46

People always go on about do something for you/for yourself but that's the hard bit. Like a warm bath or a manicure is going to make a difference. And single mothers are often skint and doing stuff for yourself can cost money. And what is yourself when the people you love more than yourself are the other side of town?

NoNoNoMYDoIt Thu 03-Jan-13 22:12:06

That is so true. I feel so low when my kids aren't here that I don't want to do 'nice' things. I think that is why I drank so much. It was a form a self-abuse really. And escapism.

nkf Thu 03-Jan-13 22:13:38

Of course, it's blotting out the misery until your real life starts up again on their return. I feel for you. But of course, as you know, drink makes it worse.

Badvoc Thu 03-Jan-13 22:18:58

Sorry, didn't mean to sound trite. But alcohol isn't the answer is it?
Is there something you would like to/want to do when the kids are there that you can't do whilst they are there/you are caring for them?
Maybe read a book, watch dvd box set, have a long phone conversation with a friend?
I was pretty ill when my ds1 was about 17 months old and he had to stay at my mils for a few days. It's not the same I know but I vividly remember the feeling of a limb being missing sad
I read lots, watched trashy tv, had very long baths...stuff I couldn't do when I was caring for my son.
I hope you can find a way if making their visits to their dad more bearable x

NoNoNoMYDoIt Thu 03-Jan-13 22:27:45

I don't drink so much these days. Mainly because it makes it worse and makes me feel worse about myself. I don't need that

OP - how are you doing? I pick my kids up at 8am tomorrow and we have 5 nights together. So I am excited and longing for the morning. By Monday I will be feeling sad as I know I only have 2 nights before the handback tho.

maleview70 Thu 03-Jan-13 23:03:04

Believe me when they get older you will both be frozen out.

What you are doing is great. Split custody is fantastic for the kids. Nothing worse than parents using children as weapons.

A parents job is to do the very best you can for your child until they are old enough to fend for themselves. That time will come sooner than you think especially if they go to university.

Children of parents who stay together with no love left can be horribly tainted and seeing 2 happy parents separately is better than seeing 2 parents unhappy at the same time

HappyNewSkyebluesapphire Thu 03-Jan-13 23:05:51

This is one of the things that I hate my XH the most for, that in destroying our marriage and family, he now takes my DD away from me for two days at a time. I now have to be parted from DD every other weekend.

It is nice to have some time to myself sometimes, but I miss her terribly when she's not with me.

You do need to fill your time. Go swimming, walking, visit friends, shop in peace,

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Thu 03-Jan-13 23:37:56

Hi again

Thanks everyone who has written on here.

I took the dog out earlier and was still weepy when I pounded the pavements and let her run round the park.

So I texted my next door neighbour and invited myself round. They've been incredibly kind to me, really welcoming. She's a sahm and always likes company and he is really nice as well. They've got a little one and don't go out much, and are both on second marriage (no kids from first marriages).

I'm so grateful for them being there, but I try not to ask and wait until I'm invited usually. I couldn't bear it this evening.

I have got loads I could (should) be doing. I'm doing an intense degree and getting really behind. I can't motivate myself to study and have been procrastinating for weeks.

Re friends, dh and I used to have a big social life but I stopped making an effort to entertain as our marriage declined. I've turned down a lot of invitations in the past because I've been too busy studying/doing exams etc. They dried up a while back and it feels impossible to get it restarted now. I'm not even in my home town during the week to meet anyone for coffee.

Also, if I'm honest, drinking has been a problem. I don't have an 'off' button. Have always had social anxiety and felt more relaxed after a few drinks and as I've drunk more, have made a tit of myself at parties, making the social anxiety worse, leading to dreading parties even more. Also dh always really cross about it, always. No support. Outwardly I've always seemed more confident than I am. Low self esteem, toxic mother, MH problems made much worse by EA in my marriage.

And lots of problems in recent years. Even my most patient friends have got tired of my unhappiness.

I feel like I've made a mess of my life and am washed up at 42 and don't know where to start. Trying to be a good mum is helping me get some self esteem back but there is a long way to go. It's the one thing I know I can do well sad

Sorry so long and moaning.

muddyboots Thu 03-Jan-13 23:50:33

The thought of this scenario is what is keeping me and my DH 'together'. The thought of going days without my children seems too much to cope with (but I do work 12 hour shifts so often don't see them awake anyway)

Thanks for sharing your experiences everyone. It's good to hear that it's normal to feel like this.

Hope you feel stronger soon.

arequipa Thu 03-Jan-13 23:54:43

It isn't just the missing them, it's the having to rebuild a social life as a single person again - slowly it will come... but only if you plan it. Do you want to join a class and meet more women friends? Yoga is good for that, esp if you get regular days of the week free. If you find a gentle class it will help posture / imbalances. Look at the Breeze website for women to cycle with rideswww.goskyride.com/breeze . Weekends are the hardest so I would try to have at least one thing arranged that's going out with other people (if not friends then some organised group thing) - for each weekend the DCs are away. And let yourself be sad sometimes too, it's all part of it...

ladyWordy Fri 04-Jan-13 01:19:38

Oh tired, definitely not washed up at 42. It's a new start for you, away from an oppressive and controlling man, with your degree in progress, children who love you, and the chance of happiness with a truly caring man in future.

As with all new starts though, things rarely go 100% smoothly, nor is it good every day (contrary to what books, magazines and TV try to tell us about a 'new life' wink ). This is one of those less good times. We'll be here as you get through it.

BTW I couldn't resist a smile of agreement at maleview's comment re the girls - that you'll both be frozen out when they are older... Though this passes too.

Regarding exercise, how about dancing. Even if you did it home alone, it would get you moving... and might lift your spirits.

Just an idea. We're here if you want us. brew

NoNoNoMYDoIt Fri 04-Jan-13 07:11:54

Oh OP - there is so much in your post which resonates but I can't respond now as I am just going out the door to pick up my kids and take them down to Devon. We aren't staying with my folks as I broke contact with them in feb after an incident with dd and the police (yes the police) being called when they were in her care. So we are visiting my hometown and staying in a travelodge (booked 2 months ago so costing 25 quid). Seeing cousins then friends in Cornwall for a day too.

I will check back in on Sunday when I am back. I just wanted to say that you are very much not alone in what you are feeling - Mh probs, anxiety, EA, toxic mother - all of those apply to me as well as the drinking

Only one more sleep for you now. Wishing you some peace today x

nkf Fri 04-Jan-13 08:34:03

Perhaps those of us who are missing our kids could help each through today. Check in from time to time. Cheer each other on as we get things done.

I've just been for a brisk walk.
I've eaten an (unhealthy!) breakfast.
I'm making a list of things to do.

Couragedoesntroar Fri 04-Jan-13 09:34:41

Hi tired sorry it's so hard.

I'm a year into the split and, whilst it's much easier (I used to find the pain incapacitating), I still find it hard. FWIW I found it harder over Xmas because it was out of routine. You're bound to find January hard too.

I too can't settle and, for the first time, have used alcohol which scares me. Hell, I smoked between Xmas & new year in my agitated state. I have a very wise therapist who reckons that it's a trauma response and I need to find ways of nurturing & comforting myself.

In case it helps, these are my resolutions for coping better with it in 2013:
Make plans for the times I know will be hardest (eg music lesson then take out curry on the Fridays they go away).
Eat properly and exercise regularly
Remind myself that they are safe, I can let go and rest, that it's not my fault.
Go (alone) to the Sunday morning matinee at the cinema with a coffee.
Pick up my meditation practice again
I will go to local church this Sunday as experiment (DH would have hated that!).
Plan exciting trips both with DC and alone.

Take care. I have a hunch that it just takes quite a while for life to reconstellate and to see who are your real friends.

wannaBe Fri 04-Jan-13 09:47:37

me and dh split in August but have still been living under the same roof. But he has taken DS away to his parents over new year and although he did similar in Oct this time it hit me much harder.

Some lovely friends invited me to stay over new year though and I ended up staying there for a couple of days instead and did have a good time. I know it is going to hit me even harder once we move (by the end of the month probably).

And things are not helped by my mother whose opinion is that ds shouldn't have a choice, he should be with me because he is mine hmm and actually texted dh to tell him that he shouldn't have expected me to be on my own over new year shock angry

Redflagcatcher Fri 04-Jan-13 09:53:17

Great post courage
I'm too in this situation, hate my kids being with their dad to be honest. It's hard, hard, hard.....but it does get easier. Or you start to cope with it better...
I would love to take up more hobbies and now am starting to try and enjoy the time they are away, but it has taken over two years to get to this really comfortable stage. In my mind I often justify it with the fact that I know loads of mums that go away from their kids on business or let them stay with grandparents etc and think nothing of it whereas i only send them to their dads.......at least they're with their dad....if the dad is a good one.... you know they are with someone (possibly the only other person) who loves them as equally as you. They are safe.
I also used drink to cope (a couple of glasses of wine and i fall asleep mind you) I don't think I do anymore although I do slip when I'm very emotional. I try not to use it now as the intense feelings do pass. You've just got to feel the feelings and they become easier to deal with.
My thoughts are with you.......remember you're being a fabulous mum by encouraging a great relationship with their dad and you'll reap the rewards later.

lilacbaubles Fri 04-Jan-13 10:00:12

My girls are 13 and 15 now, they were 10 and 12 when we split, like you it was my choice. I miss them a lot when they are not here, but I use the time to meet friends, study, work, clean, read, exercise etc. I think back to the time before children and I didn't mope around the house then, I was perfectly content and able to fill my days. I even go to the cinema on my own if there's something I want to see.

I also used my free evenings for a dabble in online dating and met DP as a result, so now we relish our evenings as a couple (doesn't mean I don't still miss the girls, I do, but we enjoy our uninterrupted time alone!)

Things will get easier, really they will.

namechangerforaday Fri 04-Jan-13 13:45:33

TIRED You def not washed up at 42 - I met DH(him) at that age and we went on to have 3 children

SpringIsComing Fri 04-Jan-13 14:24:31

Lots of sympathy, OP. How are you doing today? I have done 50/50 shared custody with my XH for almost 2 years now and it really does get easier, but it will require effort on your part. Think about investing in your happiness when they are not there and regaining your identity as something you now need to do for them as much as yourself. It sounds like you've got a number of things going on that might benefit from finding someone to talk to?

P.S. 42 is definitely not washed up! It's the new 30's, didn't you know? smile

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Fri 04-Jan-13 15:14:35

You def not washed up at 42 - I met DH(him) at that age and we went on to have 3 children

shock Three pregnancies or was one twins? That is amazing. Bastard dh wouldn't even talk about the third I desperately wanted. Another nail in the coffin of the marriage.

arequipa thanks for the info about the website. I'll have a look.

Lovely post Courage, really heartening. I am not really giving it time I know.

Feel your pain living under the same roof wannaBe. I did eight months and it was hell. Maybe I need to remind myself how much happier I am than I was then. I hope you will be able to move on and get some space for yourself.

Yes, I am promoting the kids' relationship with their dad, Redflag while he did his best to undermine mine with them. And it is really important and going to make it much easier for them. I think they are starting to enjoy being at mine more than his too, or maybe they are just happy to be losing a very unhappy mother. Dh is inviting a lot of their friends round though which is good and will help them feel at home there smile

NoNoNo look forward to hearing from you again and hope you have a good day today.

Well I am feeling a lot better today, thank you. My au pair has come back from Germany and she is lovely and it's just nice having another human in the house. Like nkf I have made a list. I'm going to go and have a look at Laura Ashley sale in a minute, all the wallpaper is half price. I am in the mood for overblown florals - a feature wall or two, nothing too expensive. The nice thing about having my own place is I can decorate it really girly - I painted my bedroom pink and it's great!

Yesterday I dealt with a load of admin - I have an allergy to opening post which is very silly and dh took care of so much household stuff I've felt really incompetent and panicked. I have organised paying for a speeding ticket I'd ignored, applied for CTC, paid off a credit card I was paying the minimum on and also my Next directory account which got hammered over Xmas buying clothes for the kids. smile

I want to make some 'me time' and do nice things but because I'm a bit strapped for cash I want to spend what's spare on the children and feel guilty spending on myself. A bit of spending on the house is OK because I want to make a nice home for them.

Thanks everyone who's posted on here, and lots of love and light to everyone spending this weekend without their children and feeling blue smile

Back later, with floral wallpaper.

lilacbaubles Fri 04-Jan-13 18:05:25

tired, glad you're feeling brighter. I met my DP at 42! He was 46 and we both thought we would never ever have the kind of relationship we have now.

NoNoNoMYDoIt Sun 06-Jan-13 17:19:53

OP - how you doing?

I have returned from a weekend in the s west. Amazing time. Cousins and friends and a sleepover and a night in a travelodge. An afternoon on the beach as well. Stuff memories are made of! :-D

RedRosy Sun 06-Jan-13 17:54:46

Hi Tired, sorry you're feeling so sad. I've been separated for 18 months, have 3 DCs, aged 2,4 and 6, and they spend alternate weekends at my exH. Time heals, as they say, but time needs time. What I mean is it will get easier, all in good time. My DCs are spoiled at their Dads as due to his drinking, my ex in laws stay too, so often my kids get tearful and tell me it's boring at home. I think on time when they're older they will understand better. I'm glad they can have fun with their dad, though. I'm sure many single parents are in a similar position.
Just be kind, and patient with yourself x

GoodGirlGoneBad74 Sun 06-Jan-13 18:41:12

Really sorry to hear how hard this is on you. I am married with two young kids and think I´m sort of having a midlife crisis-ish thing where I really truly can´t figure out what I want anymore :-( My hubby has taken kids to inlaws overseas for 5 days and I am so happy, so free, so at peace for the 1st time in literally years!
I often find myself fantasising about a life as a divorcee and having one week on and one week off so I actually get time to do ME-stuff-sounds like bliss to me!
I guess though, we should be careful what we wish for.
My question to you, OP and others here....do you REGRET divorcing now? Are you feeling worse off than you were before? Are there times when you think, "Ommigod, what did I do that for?"

NoNoNoMYDoIt Sun 06-Jan-13 20:21:34

goodgirl - to answer your question, if I had known how truly awful it would be to spend 40% of my time without my kids, I would not have left. But then it is hard for me to remember now how awful it was living with exH. The treading on eggshells / sulking / stonewalling / verbal abuse. I was very depressed at the time but my depression has also been hard to manage because of the time I spend away from the kids since we split.

I am not divorced yet, but in the process of doing so. I don't doubt my decision at all. Although I am having to share my weekends with my ex, the dc don't have to see such a crap example of a marriage any more and witness their dad shouting and belittling their mum. So that is a definite plus. I also feel I have more of a balance between time for myself and time for the dc now, so consequently I have more fun with the dc when I'm with them.

Wrenner Sun 06-Jan-13 20:43:28

Glad I found this thread as I posted somewhere else at first... blush
I am in the same situation as alot of other posters.. My two dc go to their dads at the weekend, every weekend. I look forward to my time off but wen they go I feel lost. I feel like a single person with no children.. Wen I kno I am a mummy at the same time. I have adjusted some what but it still makes me feel guilty as hell and has put a wedge between me and my oldest ds who is 4. I don't kno why? Even though they have fun I want them to love me the most.. Miss me the most etc angrysad
It is hard :-(

Skyebluesapphire Sun 06-Jan-13 20:50:58

My DD 4yo was going to her Dad every Sunday. That meant that I never got to spend a Sunday with her and never got a weekend where I didnt have to think about him turning up.

We have just started Every other weekend and Im hoping that will be much better. I will get a whole weekend with her with no thinking about him and then a whole weekend to myself.

It is lonely, she is with him tonight, but I have got a lot of work done today and once all my work is up to date, I will be finding nice things to do instead.

GoodGirlGoneBad74 Sun 06-Jan-13 21:09:08

I´m surprised that only a few people here have joint custody. Isn´t is becoming more normal to have one week each? Just know my hubby wouldn´t be happy being a one-weekend-a-fortnight parent at all! - and isn´t that more fair for ALL concerned?
Sorry if I am naive- know nothing about all this as have only recently started daring to think along these lines and none of my friends are divorced.

GoodGirlGoneBad74 Sun 06-Jan-13 21:17:40

Thanks NoNoNo...sorry, don´t mean to hijack thread with my own QnA here! Just trying to make some tough decisions, so thanks for sharing everyone

Skyebluesapphire Sun 06-Jan-13 21:20:35

My XH kept quoting his "equal rights" but never wanted her equal time. He didnt have her one extra day in the holidays last year due to work, then went abroad for a week with friends.

He has now agreed to have her on Mondays in school holidays, on his weekends.....

He moved twenty miles away and now moans about the drive over, so there is no way he would do week on week off as he would not be able to work or bring her to school.....

It's all about him apparently

GoodGirlGoneBad74 Sun 06-Jan-13 22:03:55

Jeez....that´s amazing in this day and age that dads can walk away from their kids so easily!
I mean, I could understand it in our parents´generation when dads were pretty uninvolved, but now days the majority do in fact know how to change a nappy!
And to go from living with your kids 24/7 to barely having them in your life....WTF?
And I was posting here while thoroughly enjoying a break from my kids, but Jeez....there´s having time to yourself and there´s totally walking away!
Oops, sorry! Ranting a bit, just shocked at these dads tbh

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Sun 06-Jan-13 23:30:31

Well I've had them back since yesterday and it's been really lovely. Not doing big deal-type stuff just getting ready to go back to school, sorting them out, feeling like a mum. Dh used to do so much of this and I felt a bit redundant. He's more organised than me but I am learning!

Apart from that it's been shit - my mum rang yesterday to tell me she has breast cancer and is having surgery in a few days. Won't know until then if it has spread. I am not sure how I will cope with my new single life with this going on and I honestly wonder if I should try to work things out with dh if it is bad news, though I have craved freedom for ages. Just because I worry I can't cope on my own and I will need someone, even him. It's such a challenge getting used to this new life, can I manage it with dm ill too?

Dh didn't want the split and told me it wasn't too late even after we'd bought new properties and I was moving out. But he's been detached about the news about dm and his family have completely shunned me (no Xmas card from anyone) so I'm not sure if he'd even try now. Mind is very scrambled.

Dm doesn't live close to me either, she's miles away. We've had a difficult relationship (the milder end of Stately Homes) but the idea of losing her when I feel so isolated right now is horrendous. Trying not to think about it being a possibility and staying positive. Dreading the kids going away next time even more though.

I understand better people who stay together so they don't have to deal with being alone. Life is shit if you marry the wrong person and want to get out because you are damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

It's easy to see the relationship problems as unbearable and not think about the fact that if you escape you have to live with another kind of misery - not having the children.

Don't know what the answer is really.

GoodGirlGoneBad74 Mon 07-Jan-13 10:39:12

Oh dear! Don´t these things always come at you in clusters?
Keep strong...no point in going back to him now just to kind of use him to get you through this. Then you might end up having to do this all again once things settle down!
Do you have some friends who can support you? Or other family members/siblings? They are who you need right now. Doubt you´ll get the right support from your ex right now...
Fingers crossed for a good outcome xx

NoNoNoMYDoIt Mon 07-Jan-13 21:34:45

Oh OP. so sorry to hear about your mum. I can imagine it is such a difficult situation to be in. But you need to try to think of these things as discrete 'problems'. Getting back together with your ex isn't going to help in the long run and it probably won't help in the short term. You have taken good steps in sorting out your relationship so if needs be, park that for now and focus for a bit on your mum and helping her. Don't try and lump them all together.

NoNoNoMYDoIt Mon 07-Jan-13 21:39:11

FWIW - since I divorced I have also had to go non- contact with my parents. There was an issue with the kids when they had them which resulted in the police visiting me to do a welfare check so I couldn't take any further risks. I now have no next of kin. No siblings, no husband, no partner and can't name my parents. It is isolating but actually it is fine. It is the situation I am in and I am having to deal with it. I have done the practical stuff - will etc. And I just have to live with it. It is fine actually.

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