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Dumped, and in need of perspective

(51 Posts)
kateissotired Thu 03-Jan-13 18:22:31

I was dumped a month ago and it came from nowhere. We were really happy, and I did not see the signs. He has been unemployed for a while and a family member is very ill. He wants to be friends and I am gutted. This sounds trivial but my head has gone.

AppearingDignified Thu 03-Jan-13 18:24:27

Hugs to you. It is bloody miserable, but this too shall pass. Do you have friends around that you can see and take your mind off things?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 03-Jan-13 18:24:36

How long were you together?

kateissotired Thu 03-Jan-13 18:25:46

We were together a couple of years. I am trying to make plans and ignoring the 'let's go for a drink and talk' texts

SoleSource Thu 03-Jan-13 18:30:07

Friends or friends with benefits??

kateissotired Thu 03-Jan-13 18:31:19

Friends I imagine. I really did not see the signs on this one. He has form for disappearing when depressed for a few days

tzella Thu 03-Jan-13 18:31:56

Don't be friends with him until you've over him smile

SoleSource Thu 03-Jan-13 18:33:07

Do not sleep with him is my advice. For me petsonally I could never be friends with my exesso far..

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 18:43:58

Listen carefully.... 'friends' don't shit on other friends from a great height. He's either trying to kid himself that he's a good bloke really and there's no hard feelings... or... he thinks you're vulnerable, desperate and he can get a shag out of it. Either way, find other people to have a drink and a talk with. People who actually like you.

izzyizin Thu 03-Jan-13 18:50:44

Although you may not believe it at the moment, you're better off without him.

If he cannot appreciate your finer points it's his loss, honey.

As nature abhors a vacuum, you'll soon find that any gap created by his absence will be filled with far more productive pursuits than hanging around waiting for some unreliable arse bloke to get his act together.

This man doesn't enhance your life. Ignore his texts/calls and get busy living life as it's meant to be lived - with verve and joy.

kateissotired Thu 03-Jan-13 18:53:19

Thanks all, yes the way he did it was pretty vile, then after a couple of weeks, is wanting to be 'great friends'. He has been very depressed recently and withdrawn which was very draining

AppearingDignified Thu 03-Jan-13 18:57:01

You're not married to him. You have your own (one) life. Get out there and live it and find a relationship that enhances your life.

<<Hands over a wine and sneaks off outside with the bottle for a very unfashionable cigarette>>

Might listen to my own advice one day ! grin

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 19:08:27

Another really good lesson to take forward into the rest of your life.... avoid 'depressed' men like the plague. Realise depression is a nasty medical condition that can strike anyone any time blah, blah, blah... but it can also be a very handy excuse for a selfish types that like messing people around and never taking responsibility for their behaviour.

kateissotired Thu 03-Jan-13 19:21:40

Thank you all, I just in the wallowing, gutted, wtf phase

bumhead Thu 03-Jan-13 20:33:07

Katie please listen to this lot, especially Izzy and Cog. They talk a lot of sense and I wish I'd had them and this place when I've had various break ups in the past.
You will be fine, I promise you this. And one day you will look back and thank fuck that this guy dumped you! It really is his loss.

kateissotired Thu 03-Jan-13 20:36:51

Yes, I am between thinking it will all be fixed and fabulous, and, what a spineless fucking baby who vanishes when things get a bit crappy. Which is better than I was a month ago

bumhead Thu 03-Jan-13 20:43:32

It takes time, one day at a time.
Before you know it a whole day will have past and you won't even think about the toss-bag and to be honest he doesn't deserve your thoughts any way.
Please don't try and be friends with this guy. He is not your friend. He is your ex. As someone else said, your friends wouldn't treat you this badly.

izzyizin Thu 03-Jan-13 20:47:57

I'm with Cog. Living with a depressive pesonality is draaaiNING, which is why I'd never do it smile

A good old-fashioned wallow followed by that wine from AD, a box of Belgian chocs, and an uplifitng movie (I recommend Don Juan De Marco which paired the incomparable Marlon Brando with the divine Mr Depp) should see you in better spirits.

As for being 'gutted', that's for fish and you're best advised to throw the -self-aborbed-- tiddler out with th trash back and get baiting your hook for a catch that's worth having.

<takes own bottle and joins AD for crafty puff of a real fag>

kateissotired Thu 03-Jan-13 20:50:12

I just want to be there now. I feel very fucking foolish, and whiny.

izzyizin Thu 03-Jan-13 20:51:10

Strike through fail coupled with spelling error <raps self over knuckles>

'throw the self-absorbed tiddler' - as in self-entitled, self-centred, and selfish bellend.

Life's far too short to waste it on plonkers, honey.

izzyizin Thu 03-Jan-13 20:53:50

No pain, no gain. It's a learning curve; get through this one and you'll get through any more knobs that may come your way a helluva lot quicker. I've got it down to a matter of minutes grin

kateissotired Thu 03-Jan-13 20:54:05

Very fucking draining, I became his carer almost. I never got a 'how was your day', when I was stressed, I just got an update on how he was feeling

izzyizin Thu 03-Jan-13 21:08:06

Am I the only one who can derive pleasure being lovelorn?

It's an opportunity to revel in the poignancy of shattered dreams and marvel at the bittersweet taste of unreciprocated love. What would poets and dramatists and novelists do without it?

Pay due heed to your fragile state and treat yourself gently. Eat comfort foods and have soft boiled eggs and soldiers for supper. Indulge yourself. and give thanks for brilliant timing - the sales are on! smile

izzyizin Thu 03-Jan-13 21:11:25

You fraud, you! You're all but over him aleady grin You go, gal - karma'll sort him and you can save your pity for the next poor cah who gets your cast offs smile

kateissotired Thu 03-Jan-13 21:21:38

I am certainly better than I was, writing it down has helped. And I get to spend my money on me

izzyizin Thu 03-Jan-13 21:33:11

Jeez, no knob dictating terms and you get to spend your money on yourself? What a result! Shame you didn't dump him a couple of years ago.

kateissotired Thu 03-Jan-13 22:05:27

True, I am winning already really I suppose. I need to get my plans in place so I do not sit and panic about being rejected. Thank you for your advice, you are spot on

kateissotired Thu 03-Jan-13 22:07:30

True, I am winning already really I suppose. I need to get my plans in place so I do not sit and panic about being rejected. Thank you for your advice, you are spot on

izzyizin Thu 03-Jan-13 22:48:05

In the grand scheme of things, you win some and you lose some, honey.

What you had was man who wasn't worth winning and losing him can only be a bonus blessing in disguise.

See it for what it is which is valuable lesson in not compromising your personality or your integrity to keep suit a man.

You know the saying you have to kiss a few frogs before you find a prince? Much as I'm fond of the little creatures in rl, in storybook terms he was a warty old frog who's best not touched with a bargepole left alone on his lilypad.

There's no guarantee that the next one, or the one after that, won't be horny toads frogs too but if they reject you, heave a sigh of relief because it means you're that much nearer to finding a prince among frogs men.

Or a froggy princeling as the case may be. Which reminds me I've been looking to fill a vacancy for a Scandinavian fwb. Maybe I should hop across the channel for a dalliance with a Gallic charmer while I'm waiting for a suitable Viking to put in an appearance? hmm

kateissotired Thu 03-Jan-13 23:07:19

I have just booked a holiday and deleted his number. Onwards

likeatonneofbricks Fri 04-Jan-13 01:36:06

izzy, you are positive;y on top form this eve grin

It's an opportunity to revel in the poignancy of shattered dreams and marvel at the bittersweet taste of unreciprocated love. What would poets and dramatists and novelists do without it?

Ooh Gallic charm is so much It than Scandi sportyness wink, and hte accent - no comparison imo grin, I mean, appreciate what you have!

likeatonneofbricks Fri 04-Jan-13 01:37:02

well done OP, change of scenery and new faces is what you need.

izzyizin Fri 04-Jan-13 02:56:52

You've convinced me, tonne. Eurotunnel here I come grin

<or would if I wasn't on crutches... sob>

jynier Fri 04-Jan-13 03:39:23

Aaw OP! Best wishes, x

izzyizin Fri 04-Jan-13 05:48:22

So where you off to for your hols, kate? Somewhere hot and steamy warm and sunny? And when do you depart?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 09:21:29

"I never got a 'how was your day', when I was stressed, I just got an update on how he was feeling "

I hear ya sister!!! See..... not so much 'depression' there, more 'selfish introspection and utter lack of empathy'.

kateissotired Fri 04-Jan-13 10:03:27

I am off to New York in March for a few days, never been before as he was not working so could not afford it.

Cogit, I am beginning to see that. There is withdrawn and ill with depression and then there is selfishness. He was the latter. Especially disappearing for days because he needed to be on his own.

bumhead Fri 04-Jan-13 10:09:21

Kate you are well rid!

New York sounds fantastic and just the thing to blow the old cobwebs away! I'm jealous, I've never been!
You never know, you might meet a gorgeous New Yorker on your trip, and end up moving there! The worlds your oyster now!

Exciting times!! grin

tzella Fri 04-Jan-13 10:50:36

Oh Kate! NYC! I've always wanted to go. I dumped a terrible bloke two days ago & have deleted his number and am ready to go onwards and upwards but unfortunately can't afford to grin This is due to the nature of his terribleness; how WE spent MY money angry I'm an idiot but hey, life goes on smile

Actually, weirdly, one thing of his I forgot to pack and give back was a dollar bill he got from somewhere which is wedged into the sitting room mirror hmm Must be a sign.

kateissotired Fri 04-Jan-13 10:59:25

Tzella, that is what we did, spent my cash. I am looking forward to the change of scenery and it feels like a huge relief not to check my phone to see if he has called.

tzella Fri 04-Jan-13 11:04:09

I think my change of scene will be visiting friends in the coast by £1 megabus grin

I'm not checking my phone because I know he's so stubborn he won't contact me, and this time I will not be contacting him. After a few break ups over the last year it was always me asking for him back but this time I feel nothing.

Best wishes for a wonderful 2013 smile

kateissotired Fri 04-Jan-13 11:06:20

And you. I have stopped looking at my phone as for the last 6 months he did not text or call, it was always me. What a chump. Well, not anymore!

heyelp Fri 04-Jan-13 18:17:27

Oh Kate and tzella - you are both well rid! New York - wow! He didn't text or call for 6 months!!! He spent your money. He didn't ask how you were...ever. He went AWOL??? Well rid.

Now go and see the world and leave him wallowing! Go girls!

headforthemoon Fri 04-Jan-13 18:50:49

Kate and tzella

Me too - another one who's been dumped by a man who needed to be alone for days; spent my money; always talked about himself and had little interest in me, even when I was going through crap and thought I really needed him. WTF was I thinking of? confused

But I'm surviving very well -I'm going to reestablish my social life, join things, do things, stop being held back by a tosser.

We're all going to be fine grin

kateissotired Fri 04-Jan-13 20:06:47

He called tonight because we have a mutual party tomorrow, he does not to upset me but he is bringing someone else. Fucker

AppearingDignified Fri 04-Jan-13 20:23:33

Twat. Well rid. Do you feel strong enough to go? Will your mates be cool and help you out?

What. A. Twat.

LOVESPELL Sun 27-Jan-13 21:17:27

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LOVESPELL Sun 27-Jan-13 21:19:51

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MaureenMitten Sat 13-Jul-13 22:47:01

I was dumped at the begining of the year. He too had form for disappearing for days due to "depression". He too was fond of telling me all his troubles and rarely chose to enquire about my situation which was far more shit than his

I still very occasionally marvel at how he (scum of the earth) could dump me (superior being), but I'm so glad he did. I'm rid of him draining arse and life is good.

You'll be fine too - move on.

MadeMan Sun 14-Jul-13 14:01:13

OP, if he's depressed then perhaps he feels he doesn't deserve you and so maybe he dumped you as a way of self harming himself. A cry for help/attention? Not every man is willing to just open up about their innermost feelings naturally.

Sometimes when we feel shitty we push away the people we love and we hurt them the most. Strange, but it can be true.

I'm not making excuses for him necessarily, just offering another possible point of view that may explain his behaviour. Of course, people with recurring depression can be very hard work and tiring to be around, so I can understand the suggestions of moving on with your life and forgetting about him; nobody wants to be a long term emotional crutch.

MadeMan Sun 14-Jul-13 14:06:17

Oops, hadn't realised this was an old resurrected thread.

Everyone's probably well moved on by now.

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