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Laugh, Cry, Indifference?

(53 Posts)
ThunderInMyHeart Thu 03-Jan-13 13:56:28

Hi all,

I'll try my best to keep it short - there's so much to say and I'm exhausted from it all as it is.

Some days I hate him. Others I adore him. Some days he adores me and the next, for no reason at all, he'll message me at work and blame me for everything, says he'll be so much happier alone and brings up things that happened 3 years ago e.g. that I 'was a tyrant and forbid him to see a friend' etc (the 'friend' was insulting me to DH's face, and DH (married 18 months) was doing zero to stand up for me).

My parents urge me to leave him.
He has Aspergers.

I'm always to blame and he is perfect, apparently.

Huge blow today: he recently got his job back but forgot to do some admin/clerical stuff, whose deadline has now passed. Instead of contacting someone and trying to get around it, he's just downed tools and refused to budge. I feel like I always have to pick him up and encourage him - whilst later getting told that I 'control him' and whatnot.

I'm 25 and, if I did leave him or let him leave me (he essentially, due to ASD wants to live alone in a studio flat and never have to interact with people), I don't know if I could survive in the dating world and get on with life easily. I know, it sounds pathetic. A few months ago I would be crying right now; instead, I just feel indifferent and so 'blah'. I'm spent.

A huge source of conflict is money. The first year of marriage saw me paying for everything (his capital is in a foreign currency and we were both students). When he failed various exams/found life tough, he said he was going back to his home country. I then demanded half the money back (he thinks I'm ridiculous to have interpreted this whole thing as him leaving me and turning his back). He made excuses for months to not give me my fair share - bad currency rate, he wanted to see bank statements etc etc. It finally came to a head when I had to get my parents to demand it out of him.

DH calls this 'extortion' etc etc etc. We're living together and I have to pay rent on my own as he says 'I already overpaid you (his allegation only), so I'm not paying rent' - I can't kick out someone with whom I'm trying to save a marriage, can I?

His grandmother gave the two of ussome money at Christmas. I asked for him to transfer my half into my bank account. He refuses.

I'm so angry and yet so 'can't be bothered any longer'.

Please, someone, tell me what to do and make it all make sense?

tzella Thu 03-Jan-13 14:04:40

I'm spent. I can't be bothered any longer

This is brilliant. You're done and it's over. He has been awful for years and years and it took a long time to realise that you don't have to do it anymore.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 03-Jan-13 14:05:22

Diagnosed illness or not, his behaviour towards you is not acceptable in a partnership - one that is designed for mutual support and love.

You can't live going from highs of adoration to lows of blame. Just because he adores you some of the time does not mean he can do it all of the time. Adoration in itself is pretty unhealthy: it may be more pleasant than being blamed for everything, but it still shows lack of acceptance for the complete, imperfect, and lovable person that you are.

Your self-esteem is waaaaay too low if you think at 25 that you couldn't handle the dating world again. What could you do to boost your self-image? Low self-esteem is the biggest reason for staying in unacceptable relationships.

Only you can decide what to do. To help you do this, take the time to ask yourself what you really want, need, and deserve in a relationship. Then match that list up with what you have in your current marriage, and decide whether you can do without your unmet needs, whether your husband can change to meet them, or whether you can't do without them, he won't meet them, so this marriage is simply not acceptable to you anymore.

Lueji Thu 03-Jan-13 14:12:24

Yes, cut your losses short and move on.

You are ONLY 25!

I wasn't even married at 25.
I was starting my PhD and life was ahead of me.

If you stick with this man, on the other hand... your life can only spiral downwards.
At some point you'll have children (I assume you don't yet), he'll be in your life forever because of them, and you'll feel much more difficult to leave him because of them.

ThunderInMyHeart Thu 03-Jan-13 14:18:55

It's just that some days he does behave and is what I need to him to be. Our relationship was literally perfect in the beginning - the envy of everyone.

And now it's sunk so low.

If he just pulled his finger out, we'd be fine again. But he can't be bothered to send an e-mail to save his job (the loss of which caused us so many problems for months).

I'm torn between telling myself 'you're too optimistic and unrealistic, Thunder' and 'no, this is how a loving wife should be and feel'.

My crimes, according to him, are:

- that friend mentioned above
- extorting money from him
- controlling him e.g. he said that before he would worry 'oh, I shouldn't buy these shoes because Thunder may not like them' (I never conditioned him on what he could/not wear)
- I punished him for his sexual past (he had told me a previous girlfriend was 29 when he was 18/19...it later emerged she was 39 and he was 17). I was upset and shocked and didn't take the revelation of a lie easily
- I punished him everyday for months about his family (his grandmother had slagged off our wedding, worn white to the reception and failed to give us a wedding present. My complaint to him was that he needed to tell her this was not acceptable)
- that I told his therapist he had discussed pornography with a stranger (female) in a restaurant when I wasn't there ('pornography' is slanderous, apparently. The film was 'In the Realm of the Senses' - that is pornography, or certianly not appropriate!

I'm always labelled the evil and wrong one.

My mother says that he won't know what he's got until it's gone. She encourages divorce, whilst I'm still young and there are no children.

My parents bought him a Rolex perhaps 8 months ago as a 'welcome to the working world/corporate environment' present and to this day he'll say things like 'well, I never ASKED for it'. Excuse the colloquialisms, but, like, OMFG, that's sooooo not the point, idiot!

Sorry, it's turned into a ramble.

ThunderInMyHeart Thu 03-Jan-13 14:20:02

I really admire you strong ladies you have had the courage to leave.

Did you feel what I feel right now i.e. maybe it can be saved, maybe there's hope...but you just feel lost?

How long did any feelings of 'am I doing the right thing?' last?

Thank you for your replies

Lueji Thu 03-Jan-13 14:34:07

I remember going through that phase of not bothering anymore.
Of giving up trying to save the marriage really.

That's when I finally told him that he could leave if he wanted, and I wasn't sure I loved him anymore. I had just given up hoping that he would change.

He started using physical violence to try to control me soon after and that was the trigger for me to leave him.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 03-Jan-13 14:35:16

Some people are just not cut out to be partners. Sounds like your H is one of those. Really, never mind what it used to be like in the beginning (when every relationship is great, otherwise how would they ever get started?), what is there now to make it worth saving?

Asperger's can make partners challenging to cope with, but it does not of itself turn them into assholes. Actually, given his ability to lie about details and manipulate your perceptions, he sounds a lot more asshole than Asperger.

Your mother is right. Run away, run away. Sod the money. Let him go.

ThunderInMyHeart Thu 03-Jan-13 14:40:28

I feel like I'm too young, yet too old to be doing this.

WHY can't he just be how he used to be?

It's a symptom to Asperger's to feel a victim, like everyone is out to get you and to harbour resentment. Why can't he just get over himself and see 'the light'?

Did you ladies find that after you'd left, they got the message, saw the error of their ways and reformed? Or was it wall-to-wall disappointment?

tzella Thu 03-Jan-13 14:51:36

Hasn't he got a condition that causes him to act like this? So how could he change?

Anniegetyourgun Thu 03-Jan-13 14:53:12

But if he is Asperger's, he can't just "see the light". You might as well say why can't he just get over himself and fly to work. On the other hand, if he wasn't always like that, the Asperger's thing may be rubbish - does he have a formal diagnosis?

You don't have to be a certain age to get divorced, you know. You just have to be married to the wrong man.

DameFannyGallopsBEHINDyou Thu 03-Jan-13 14:55:20

Being a paranoid victim isn't Aspergers though - it's more a common mindset in perpetrators of domestic abuse. Sorry.

ThunderInMyHeart Thu 03-Jan-13 15:00:46

He was diagnosed by a field leader - she's pretty well-qualified, author, published in the field. He was diagnosed a few months ago, and suddenly all the pieces slotted together.

The diagnosis itself was a relief - i.e. "he's not an intentional arsehole! He actually can't help it!"

Then it became a curse.

He sees it as a disability, that he'll never function in society etc etc.

Now, if I say 'well, perhaps you're being X or don't see Y because of the Asperger's', I get accused of making him the patient, infantalizing him.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 03-Jan-13 15:03:45

Do you know what, DameFanny, you're right, I didn't think of that (I'm by no means an expert on such disorders). It's a subset of autism, isn't it; paranoia doesn't come into it. Hmm...

ThunderInMyHeart Thu 03-Jan-13 15:09:05

In various books, it says that it's highly common for Aspies to be vulnerable people and hence get taken advantage of...cycle ensues etc. He has been taken for a ride by some people, but, Christ. I'm his wife.

I'm the breadwinner right now. I pulled him emotionally and academically through his last year of university and all his post-grad study. Why would I be the target and the 'conniving woman'?!

It just makes no logical sense.

So, sometimes (and his psychotherapist aunt agrees with the following) I figure, well, once his oh-so-obvious nervous breakdown stops, he'll finally gaddit. I'm well aware of the chance I'm being naive and still being too loyal to him.

Badvoc Thu 03-Jan-13 15:10:19

Sweetheart, you are 25.
You have your whole life ahead of you.
He is using his dx as a reason to behave badly towards you and refuse all responsibility for his own life.
Get out now.
Chalk it up to experience and move on x

ThunderInMyHeart Thu 03-Jan-13 15:12:24

I truly admire you ladies

Badvoc Thu 03-Jan-13 15:13:20

....and you can have aspergers and just not be a very nice person too, you know...
Sn doesn't = good person just as nt doesn't = good person.
I would think the difference is that an nt person would have some chance of changing their ways. I think that unlikely/much harder for an aspie.
Sorry.

ThunderInMyHeart Thu 03-Jan-13 15:17:04

I saw absolute bloody red the other night.

He called me frigid.

This was the night after he'd randomly messaged me at work and accused me of spending his money like water and being a miser with my own. Yeah, really feeling the love and wanting you to touch me.

I then just had to tell him - 'why is it me who's frigid? Maybe you're just unattractive? You don't even pay rent! Your back-hair is disgusting! Yet I get blamed for wearing tracksuit bottoms?!'

How do you go about telling friends that you're now divorced?

Badvoc Thu 03-Jan-13 15:20:39

You say;
"I'm divorced. I was very unhappy and being treated badly. I hope you can support me"
And if they can't then you are well rid of both him and them.
Sigh.
I am a lot older than you darling, and have been around a lot a bit and you are so very young to be putting up with this situation.
And being divorced is nothing to be ashamed of, no matter what any church or any family members may say!

ThunderInMyHeart Thu 03-Jan-13 15:26:48

Oh, I don't fear it for religious or parental concerns - my mother is practically on the sidelines with a banner and klaxon in support of it (my father was married before she married him).

I can visualise having a drink or something and it's all 'well, hi there! I'm 25...and divorced' and the words 'damaged goods' springing to someone's mind. A good filter, perhaps

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 03-Jan-13 15:37:56

Having the guts to leave a bad relationship is something to be proud of. "Damaged goods" indeed!

Badvoc Thu 03-Jan-13 15:40:52

Damaged goods!?
You are 25!! And in an unhappy/abusive relationship!!
Damaged goods my arse.
You will be damaged if you stay however....
I know lots if divorced people, my dearly loved sil being one of them. I dont consider her damaged goods. And neither dies her gorgeous bf! smile I just think she married a cheating, emotionally stunted twat.
That's all.

Badvoc Thu 03-Jan-13 15:41:21

It's great you have support.
Take it and move on with your life.

izzyizin Thu 03-Jan-13 15:48:26

I don't know if I could survive in the dating world and get on with life easilY

Why do you have to rush to date? Why not simply divest yourself of this millstone round your neck and enjoy the freedom life as a singleton has to offer until such time as you feel like dipping your toe back in the water?

ThunderInMyHeart Thu 03-Jan-13 15:53:00

I guess it's because I feel like I've wasted time on him and have to make up for lost time.

Lots of people I went to school with have just got engaged and I feel like I'll be back at Square One.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 03-Jan-13 15:58:52

PLEASE spend some time alone, proving to yourself that you don't need a man in your life, so that the next man you let in is one who truly enhances it.

And work on that self-esteem in the mean time, too.

Otherwise you really do risk just falling in with another poor relationship partner just for the sake of having one.

ThunderInMyHeart Wed 23-Jan-13 20:52:42

Hi again all,

On Friday, I told him to move out. He was very emotional - shouting, then frustrated, then crying/panic attack.

Over the weekend he was very meek and deferential, said he realised he had erred etc etc etc. Sent me flowers at work on Monday. However, yesterday he just randomly gave me the silent treatment. Out of nowhere.

I figure this is his way of having the last word i.e. 'she didn't throw me out! I left her!', but I don't know. He e-mailed today saying he had researched legal represntation, but hadn't booked an appointment yet (re legal separation).

Any thoughts?

Also, could anyone possibly post a link to the section that I think exists re DPs/DHs etc who have Asperger's. It would be nice to get perspective/a sense of the experience of others.

Lueji Wed 23-Jan-13 21:19:28

Sounds like my twat ex, and he doesn't have Aspergers. To my knowledge.

Just normal abusive behaviour when things don't go their way.

suburbophobe Wed 23-Jan-13 21:46:01

He's a head fuck as well as a scrounger. He will never make you happy.

I'm always to blame and he is perfect, apparently.

I'm exhausted from it all as it is.

That's all you need to know....

Run for the hills!

ThunderInMyHeart Wed 23-Jan-13 21:57:06

Thank you so much for the support.

I felt totally in control, happy and optimistic after I told him to leave. I admit, now he's taken it to legal separation, I feel so much pain again.

If someone can just post something or even just bump, I'd be really grateful.thanks

carlywurly Wed 23-Jan-13 22:03:33

You are doing totally the right thing. Leaving a marriage is never easy, but you're doing it to give yourself a happier future. You will be ok.

ManInBeige Wed 23-Jan-13 22:16:01

I've been on some recent dates with a divorced woman. She is fantastic. Funny, clever, beautiful. You have nothing to worry about once the initial grief is over.

dequoisagitil Wed 23-Jan-13 22:18:54

You're doing the right thing. Honestly truly, it's no kind of a life to spend it like this.

You will be far better ending it now while you're both still young and have relatively little baggage rather than sticking it out in pain & anger for years to come, or bringing dc into it.

It will hurt a lot and it won't be easy, but you have your whole life ahead of you still, don't waste it on a bad relationship.

ThunderInMyHeart Wed 23-Jan-13 22:20:37

Is it wrong to feel the pain now he's turned it back on me with seeking a lawyer/legal separation?

I wish we never got married

susanann Wed 23-Jan-13 22:26:41

How is him seeking a legal separation turning it back on you sweetheart? Just be glad to be free of him. You dont want to spend your life feeling exhausted and trapped do you? Thank goodness you have no kids. Youre still young, you will meet someone else once you have got over this. You deserve so much better. Keep strong. Have you heard the saying "women are like teabags, you never know how strong they are till there in hot water" Its true!

You are doing the right thing. Definitely.

dequoisagitil Wed 23-Jan-13 22:29:34

Even when you know it's the right thing, you often have a worm of hope in your heart that he will suddenly return to who you thought he was.

And of course it's crushing that the person you loved is willing to end the relationship and make it real by starting the process. Especially when he's suddenly getting in first.

It's still the best thing.

ThunderInMyHeart Wed 23-Jan-13 22:30:12

What a brilliant expression!

I guess it's because since he's technically the one angry with me now (rather than me with him on Friday), it's like making me out to be the 'bad one'. I realise that's immature.

As if he's saying, 'ha! She's so awful that I had to legally separate from her. She's the faulty one', whereas on Fri, it was me saying 'you exhaust me and I deserve better. Leave'

I have never gone back on wanting him to move out. I thought a break would be good, we could individually mend ourselves and then go to couples counselling.

Piemother Wed 23-Jan-13 22:32:30

I empathise so much with the bit standing up for you part. Ime that never changes hmm time to go love

izzyizin Wed 23-Jan-13 22:39:49

Don't agree to legal seperation - just get on with divorcing him and, if you have reason to believe you may be entitled to legal aid, DO IT NOW as, from what you've said, you won't be entitled as of April of this year.

ThunderInMyHeart Wed 23-Jan-13 22:50:59

He starts a lucrative job in mid-Feb...I know he lied big time about exam results on his application form. Quite tempting to tell his future employers...is that too low?

That is too low, and very immature.
You really dont want him to have any financial reason to cling on to you.

You dont need a legal separation, and for him to instigate it. You can contact a lawyer, or get a Do it yourself divorce kit, and just serve him the papers.

To be honest, you are coming across very immature if your biggest concern is telling people that you are divorced. There is no failure in being divorced. Ok, some bad judgement on your part in marrying him, but marrying the wrong person, or marrying too soon, is a mistake many people can do. By divorcing him you are rectifying this mistake rather than being unhappy for years, suddenly finding yourself pregnant, and then feeling you cant leave because you are stuck, dont want to deprive your kids of a dad.

Listen to your mum in this.

drizzlecake Thu 24-Jan-13 08:45:03

if you were my daughter I would have cut you out of my life because I couldn't stand the anger and frustration I felt that you were wasting your life on such a twonk.
Get a grip and move on from this.

Bythe way none of my young female rellies was married at 25 as they were too busy getting a life and making a career.

Piemother Thu 24-Jan-13 08:52:45

So what if he does the leg work for the separation/divorce saves you a job! Don't over thi k it beyond that rally don't. Exh liked to feel superior as if only he was clever enough to deal with legal matters etc. seriously, so fucking what? The fact remains you are leaving him because he's an abusive, immature idiot. What he does between now and then and whatever nasty things he says/puts in his petition etc absolutely do not matter they are a means to an end and the end is you being young and free to live the life you want to.
You have no obligation to this man child!

lovemenot Thu 24-Jan-13 09:24:41

Goodness Drizzlecake.....a bit harsh? Would you really cut your daughter out of your life if she was having such a hard time?

OP - being divorced at your age is no biggie. But thinking it all through and deciding what you do want and need from your life and knowing that your ex is not going to be the one for you is a good place to be. Be gentle on yourself, give yourself time to grieve the end of your marriage. Life will begin again before you know it!

drizzlecake, really? Tough love to the extreem hmm

OP, I divorced at 25. I'm 53 now and while it hasn't been a smooth path since then I have no regrets. I feel my life began the day we split up. Looking back now, I can barely remember the time I was married. I too felt a failure, but the real failure would be to stay in a marriage that made you so unhappy. So what if he's saying it's your fault? Look at the bigger picture - the rest of your life and all the adventures you'll have by not staying with him.

ThunderInMyHeart Thu 24-Jan-13 11:06:58

This morning I have made enquiries with divorce lawyers.

Could I request some hand-holding, please?

I'm doing the right thing, right? I won't regret it? I'll be ok? He'll never change?

dequoisagitil Thu 24-Jan-13 11:15:35

He won't change. He is what he is.

Of course you'll have doubts at times, but I think in short order you will feel lighter & happier and in the long-term you'll look back and know you did the right things for yourself. We all have regrets in life, but I don't think yours will be wishing you stayed in this marriage longer, more wishing you'd left sooner.

Re-read your OP. You are so unhappy in this marriage. You can make a new life for yourself out of it.

ThunderInMyHeart Thu 24-Jan-13 20:56:29

Help sad

This afternoon he said he loves me.

I get home from work and he's so cold - not mean or hostile, just...unfazed? Like I'm an acquaintance or something.

He's gone out for a drink with a friend, and will be doing similar tomorrow and Sunday.

I'm now suddenly consumed by tears and the desire for him just to hug me and kiss my head and call me by his petname for me.

What the hell is happening?

Please help

houseelfdobby Thu 24-Jan-13 21:10:25

"his grandmother had slagged off our wedding, worn white to the reception and failed to give us a wedding present. My complaint to him was that he needed to tell her this was not acceptable)"

You seem a little prone to over-reacting (you wanted him to tell his granny that it wasn't acceptable to wear white to your reception, and that she HAD to give you a present?? Your DH was stuck between a rock and a hard place if you were really giving him grief over that.

But really, whoever is right/wrong in individual matters, you just don't sound like you love him, nor he you. Get out now. FWIW I reckon that he is right when he tells you he would be happier on his own rather than with you (sorry).

Your OP implies that the only reason you are not leaving him seems to be because you are worried about dating. That's not a good reason to keep someone tied down. Let him go. You both sound miserable. Good luck.

houseelfdobby Thu 24-Jan-13 21:12:17

sorry, that sounded a bit harsher than I meant it to: it is clear that you are unhappy and, as you are young, the obvious solution is to separate even if that seems difficult. Change is often hard but it will be worth it as you will both have the chance to find more suitable relationships. It will all work out eventually. Try to stay friends.

houseelfdobby Thu 24-Jan-13 21:12:51

..and let him keep his grandmother's money.

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