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please tell me what to do..

(85 Posts)
shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 13:10:47

its a recurrence of mil poking her nose in our marriage since day 1. Before Xmas she bought DH 5 underwears angry . Well, I kept calm and spoke to DH about it and told hhim to tell her it WRONG according to me! Did I overreact?? Then as usual she's been calling him nonstop everysingle day. She demanded DH spend new years eve(yes! Just before 2013) with her simply coz she is againg, how on earth is 60old and she works full time? Huh?! Anyway, that's her usual excuse that she is aging and DH has to abandon hi family duties to attend to her. I was so furious but still kept calm. DH drinks and spends an awful lot of time in the pub. So we agreed this year he'll stop and help me to raise our DD. Just yeaterday, he went out on my birthday and left me struggling with the baby on my own. Mark you, she doesn't sleep till 1am and if she does she wake up 6times sad and I attend to her all alone.So, when DH was out I told him I'm super stressed out and I need him to come home help me or go over to his mum's house(she lives 5mins away). I felt I couldn't let him in coz he's been hurting me and doesn't seem to care much about how I feel. So I locked him out and he went to his mum's. Boy! The mother drove him back this morning while I and DD were still in bed and I let them in. Mil strarted shouting at me for making his Son "homeless" hmm! I tried to explain what happened and she kept on shouting and demanding I go to mental hospital(just because I'm on anti-d's). Well, I couldn't take it antmore and I told Her off for all the things she has been doing to affect our marriage including buyng him underwears and constantly calling him and coming over un-invited. She said this is her son's house and she'll come and go when she likes plus buy him more anderwears if she wants. You can imagine how mad this was making me. The even insisted that since she is on leave, she is moving in for two weeks to look after here son. Wow! This sound like we are fighting over him now! And dh was in the othet room with DD (well done him coz I didn't want DD to see this madness.

So right now dh left with his mum and he isn't picking up my calls. Plus he took my keys so I can't leave the house. What do I do? I wnat to work my marriage out but how do I do it with thi toxic mil in the middle of us? Thanks for reading this far, hope it all makes sense coz I'm typing with anger and my hands are shaking and worried.

Rooobs Thu 03-Jan-13 13:13:16

how has he been hurting you?

her buying your DH underwear is the least of your problems. Him "hurting" you and controlling you is the big deal.

AbigailAdams Thu 03-Jan-13 13:16:36

I don't think your MIL is the problem. Your husband being controlling, abusive and generally not standing up for you with regards your MIL is the problem. And now he has made you and your DD a prisoner in your own house. How long for??

Why do you want to work it out? What are you getting out of it? What is your DD getting out of it?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 13:17:16

Why do you want to 'work your marriage out' with a man who has no time for you, spends all day in the pub, doesn't help with his own child and who prioritises his mother over his wife? That's your first problem... a man with a very selfish, immature attitude to marriage/fatherhood/life. Not a man taking responsibility.

Second... never live five minutes from in-laws because it's asking for trouble.

Do you have family or friends that you could go and spend time with while you work out what to do next?

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 13:19:24

Just not helping me with DD plus his mum comes first, the other day, I was on my periods and I need DH to run to the shops and get me some pads(I get terrible menstrual cramps so it was an urgent need. Just the same time I needed him, mil called him claiming sh'd locked herself in the living room and needed dh to go over and let her out. I mean, who should come first, she could have waited for 10mins but she was crying on the phone. And I was there bleeding on my self with a 13months old crying all over the house. I couldn't attent to her coz I'd have ended up messing the carpet. Sorry its a disgusting thing to talk about but this is killing me.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 03-Jan-13 13:22:26

The pair of them sound horrid, and all 3 of you are trying to control each other (you too: locking him out is not the way respectful adults treat each other).

Why do you want to stay with him?

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 13:23:42

I love him to bits and he works hard to provide for us I'm a SAHM. I have no source of income, where would I go. All my family is abroad. I just don't want to give up sratight away. I want to give it abit more time and work out how I can deal with mil.

rainbowinthesky Thu 03-Jan-13 13:25:36

Shades of white - someone locked in a room comes first before a period. It just does. It's ridiculous to say you couldn't attend to your child because of this.

The problem you have is with your partner not your mil.

There is nothing wrong with a parent buying their grown up son underwear.
Why does she call every day? Is she worried about him? Your dh sounds like he is having problems so it's understandable she is concerned.
Him drinking and spending an awful lot of time in the pub- sounds like he has a problem with alcohol - is this right?
He sounds a crap father - again nothing to do with your mil.

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 13:25:49

Hot I do admit I made a mistake for locking him out. But that doesn't give mil a right to come over yelling at me even before I had breakfast.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 13:26:11

'Who should come first'..... that's not really the problem here. MIL is just one thing calling on his time. The real issue is that he prefers to prop up the bar rather than come home and be with you. He'd rather have a good night's sleep than attend to his children. His priorities are completely up the spout way beyond his mother. Who comes first? He comes first at the moment.

I think you need to calm down, take yourself and the DCs away for a time and think about what you want out of life. The screaming matches, lock-outs & anger over 'underwears' are not making you sound very stable. You need to find some space to think clearly and rationally about what to do next

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 13:27:08

Rain thanks

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 13:28:39

"I want to give it abit more time and work out how I can deal with mil. "

Have you actually tried being friendly with her? Going out for coffee with her? Getting to know her woman-to-woman? Some women see their DS's partners as a rival and a teaspoon of honey can work better than a pound of salt.

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 13:32:34

cogito I do want to be with him. I know he is selfish but that's who he is. What bothers me is that mil controls him interms of everything. She just calls him to pour out her stress from work and gossip about DH late father's family. She thinks they want to poison her so DH stays on the phone the entire time comforting Her when I need him to around. Well, where I come from, mil are not supposed to take care of their Son in that aspect after they are married. That becomes the duty of the wife. Plus, she knows its wrong, she only did that to hurt me. Second, she wants to move in. are im£ on the wrong people?

rainbowinthesky Thu 03-Jan-13 13:37:08

The problems you have are with your dh. You are tackling the wrong person by focusing all your anger on your mil.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 13:38:40

" I know he is selfish but that's who he is"

If you're going to defend him and make excuses for his bad behaviour rather than have the self-respect and confidence to believe you are worth more than that, then you are looking at a very miserable future.

You're blaming your MIL because she's an easy target. She has a close relationship with her DS and that's normal. She buys him 'underwears'... I bought my Dad socks for Christmas.... normal. It's normal for mothers and sons to communicate by phone. It's even normal for some families to have a few generations under the same roof - although I would draw the line there. Now it sounds as though she is taking things to excess and hasn't accepted that her DS has a family of his own but SHE IS NOT THE PROBLEM. He is.

Excuse him and blame her.... sorry but I think you're deluding yourself

Bloody hell he is not your duty, only in the same way you should both be looking after each other!

In what ways does he hurt you?
Dd he deliberately leave you unable to go out today or was it an oversight?

Tbh you sound like you enjoy being a bit if a martyr. Get angry and start standing up for yourself.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 13:43:49

How well did you know your DH before you got married? Did mother just pop out of the woodwork at the wedding? Had he kept her out of sight before then?

Vagaceratops Thu 03-Jan-13 13:52:42

I dont understand what the problem with your MIL buying your DH underwear is?

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 14:29:37

First of all let me correct the 'underwear' issue, its cultural thing, a mil is NOT supposed to do that AFTER the sone is married. Its the duty of the wife to look after the H in that aspect. DH is not a bad guy, its his mum who come in the middle everytime. Me and DH was love at fisrt site and we got married a year after knowing each other. Before we got married, we lived sepatarely and DH was living with his mum and sis. So after we married, we moved in together and had our DD. Its after that that mil's awful signs of notaccepting his son is married and that she needed to back off alittle bit. Me an her have had a good r'ship. Been going out for coffee and shopping and that's all I expected. Not her now controlling DH as though they still live together. Can anyone understand where I'm coming from or I'm simply deluded by thinking mil is too involved in my marriage? Also, this is not a first, mil from the history I've heard from her friends is that she was the reason why Dsil's husband did a runner 6mnths after their marriage. Now Dsil is single and getting old.(I'm not saying that in abad way) Our local Pastor spoke to mil and told her she needs to stay away from her childrens marriages and leave them to work things on their own, but never does. So, I don't want to give up on my marriage just because mil is getting on my nerves. I just want to know how to deal with her and slowly but surely let mu DH understand that his mum is evil.

I'm sorry I can't advise someone who thinks its the wife's duty to buy the man's underwear.

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 14:32:57

...when I say evil I mean she is on the wrong by getting involved soo much in out r'ship. Plus DH also admitted its wrong for his mum to buy him that "stuff".

And if ahe is controlling your Dh then your Dh needs to deal with it. Or you need to leave him.

In what way does he hurt you ans did be intentionally leave you unable to go out by taking your keys?

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 14:34:57

SPB is fine, you don't have to. some women have cultural belives and we surely respect them.

It is not inherently wrong for a mother to buy her son underwear. it is not wrong for a wife to buy her husband underwear. The other option is he buys his own underwear. When alls said and done they're just pants.

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 14:35:49

Yep, he deliberately took my keys and took off with mil.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 14:39:18

You will rarely get a man to accept that his mother is evil. Would you like your kids to think you were evil? If she is interfering - and she certainly sounds like she is - then it is for you and DH as a team have to work out a way in which she can be managed together. He lived with her right up to the point you got married, you did not live together so you had no 'dry run' either on the subject of the relationship he had with his mother OR....very, very let you see what kind of man he really was on a 24/7 basis, not just when he was on best behaviour being boyfriend and girlfriend a few nights a week.

Not saying to give up on your marriage but, if you're going to make this work, you both have to grow up a lot, be more committed to each other and acting for a common purpose. For example, a really obvious thing to do would be to move futher away. Far harder for someone to interfere when there are a few miles in the way. But, to achieve that, you have to work as a team, wanting the same things, working to the same goal.

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 14:39:21

Does she even know what size he is is? Sorry but I find the whole thing disgusting. He is in his early thirties. I expect that kind of behavior ceased when he was 17yrs old.

Lueji Thu 03-Jan-13 14:40:24

You can call the locksmith and change the locks.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 14:41:06

What culture could it possibly be that regards underpants so emotionally as to refer to it as 'that stuff'? hmm

izzyhasanewchangeling Thu 03-Jan-13 14:42:08

This sounds odd - I get dcs underpants and socks for their stockings even as adults it's a family tradition you sound a bit fixated on Thayer.

You all sound - strange.

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 14:43:34

thanks Cogito, Moving far is such a good idea, I have thought about what I want and I can't think of my life without my DH cause I love him. I will apologize for locking him out and after a couple of weeks I'll initiate the idea of moving so we can see mil not very often. Its gna be a tough decision coz we love the area we live in but hopfully we'll all agree to it.

No sorry I struggle to respect beliefs that say a wife has a duty to take careof her husband, any more than he has to take care of her iyswim. General expectation to look after each other fine. Specific obligations such as pant buying, too controlling imo.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 14:45:42

And your culture is..... ?

And you still haven't explained how he hurts you

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 14:46:08

Aint talking about the 'underwear' issue again. Ya'll think I'm deluded in regards to that issue. Moving on to more important matters.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 14:47:51

A man who is still single and living with his controlling mother into his thirties.... did you never think at any stage that might present a few problems?

But you're the one who seems overly fixated on her buying him underwear. They're just pants.

How does he hurt you.

Lueji Thu 03-Jan-13 14:49:23

However, you do need to act a little more cool, though.

Seriously, regardless of how much of a cultural issue it is, let her buy him underwear.
In fact, it should be his task, not yours. So, a problem between her and him.

If she asked him to come on NYE, then you'd go with your DC (who does sleep late).
And TBH, I don't think parents and siblings would require an invitation to go to each other's houses. I usually only call to make sure they are at home, and give a little warning. I don't ask for an invitation, FGS.

You do seem a little over the top on territoriality too, to be honest.

And why did you tell him to go home or his mother's and then you locked him out, making him go home to hers?

The thing is, even though he does seem very selfish and uncaring, some of your attitudes are a bit off the mark too.

Could you try counselling?

Cabrinha Thu 03-Jan-13 14:54:18

Shadesofwhite, people are trying to help - so don't just say "I'm not talking about the underwear again".
You see, the underwear buying is no big deal, in itself. If my MIL did it, I'd probably laugh to H that she needed to cut the apron strings, he would laugh - but still wear them.
I certainly wouldn't consider myself responsible for buying them!

Thing is, BECAUSE in itself the underwear is no big deal, people here as using your big reaction to it to try to understand the problems.

And it seems SOME of it is cultural? That you expect to mother your husband yourself? I really struggle with that. You are his WIFE. See - this is partly why your MIL can compete, because you're both trying to mother him.

Forget the MIL, sort out your issues with your H.

I'm shocked about your period though - I'm sorry, but no amount of bleeding would keep me from my 13 month old. Why not just pop an open nappy inside some pants whilst you waited? Or a rolled up towel?

izzyhasanewchangeling Thu 03-Jan-13 14:55:50

I've popped back through thread, you appear to be gossiping about mil to friends and the pastor.

Pushing DH into corners.

Objecting to him speaking to his mother on the phone.

're the pads I find it hard to believe there wasn't 1 in the house.

You all sound as bad as each other.

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 14:59:31

Lueji I do agree I'm overreacting in one way or another but its just me trying to speak out and say I'm not happy with mil interfeering a lot. I'm already organising couples Councelling for us. FYI my dad (is abroad) just rang me after mil called him saying "her son's marriage with me is over" . Who gives her the right to end" the marriage and she is not a part of it. I'm just going to keep calm and let it go.

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 15:09:00

Ok, last year June I had a contraception injection and it affected my regula flow, unbelievably, I was on my periods literally everyother week and it was heavy and soo painful. I've seen my dic over this issue and apparently its a condition that could be rectified through surgery. I've alyways had plenty of spare pads and my meds to reduce the pain in the house but this time round I didn't check if they were running out. Aaand that's how I ended up there..
izzy I may sound as bad but I'm having a crisis, thanks for helping.

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 15:10:42

Meant ...seen my Doc not dic..bloody phone.

Sorry to hear that. Hope you can get better. How is your Dh hurting you?

izzyhasanewchangeling Thu 03-Jan-13 15:13:21

You don't always help someone by agreeing with them.

It sounds like your behaviour is aggravating the situation - if that is how you are coming across to strangers on the internet no doubt your husband feels the same.

You are in a negative circle with MIL and both of you are feeding it - you cannot change how she behaves - only how You react to it - I'll link you to something in a sec that may help.

izzyhasanewchangeling Thu 03-Jan-13 15:16:32

90/10 principles

Watch this.

izzyhasanewchangeling Thu 03-Jan-13 15:19:13

SpB the ans to how she is being hurt is at 13.19 can't copy and paste on phone

Vagaceratops Thu 03-Jan-13 15:22:44

Your MIL is wrong for buying your DH's underwear but its okay for your DH to buy your sanitary towels.

Oh. Wasn't convinvee that was in response to how has hehurt you but yes iswym

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 15:26:35

Thanks for the link izzy will go through it. What do you think I should do ATM. I'm trying to call DH but he's not answering. I want to apologize for locking him out and we move on from this situation. I'm just feeding DD but can't stop thinking about him. sad

izzyhasanewchangeling Thu 03-Jan-13 15:30:42

Just leave him cool down - ringing and ringing him isn't going to help the situation.

Get a few sets of keys cut so this can't happen again.

Pour a nice glass of wine, put a nice film on and relax - you all sound wound up like spinning tops.

You need to let things start going over your head and not reacting so hystericAlly to them. He will be back.

I agree with the others btw - the pub is more of an issue than MIL.

TakeMyEyesButNotTheMulledWine Thu 03-Jan-13 15:35:59

I'm sorry, I just don't get what the problem is here wrt MIL.

She may be close to her son but the things you describe are not that bad. You are focusing all your frustrations on your MIL.

Thing is OP, it is HIM that is giving your MIL the impression your marriage is over because he left you and went to stay with her. YOU locked him out of the house, so he had nowhere else to go but his mother's as she lives nearby.

I don't think YOU want to accept there is another woman in his life, sounds like you want him to yourself too. All this smacks of being a drama queen.

Focus on the fact that its your DH who is choosing to spend most of his time in the pub. You are defending him when you know yourself that this is unacceptable, but rather than facing up to the fact that your marriage isn't perfect or how you want t to be, you are using his mother as a scape goat.

She isn't really the problem here.

Oh and my DM bought me knickers for Xmas, I'm 32.

TakeMyEyesButNotTheMulledWine Thu 03-Jan-13 15:37:13

X post with OP

izzyizin Thu 03-Jan-13 15:38:29

I felt I couldn't let him in coz he's been hurting me and doesn't seem to care much about how I feel

You locked your dh out of the house because 'he's been hurting' you? In what way has been hurting you?

Has he been hitting you or are you saying he's been hurting you because he went to the pub instead of staying home with you and his dd and, in your opinion, this shows 'he doesn't seem to care' about how you feel?,

As I assume there is nothing in your religion which says that it is forbidden for mothers to buy underwear for their sons at any age, I would suggest that you put your own personal cultural beliefs to one side and take no notice of whatever items of clothing your mil buys for her son.

With regard to requiring your dh to buy sanitary products for you before he went to his dm's home to unlock the living room door for her; if your cultural beliefs frown upon mothers who buy underpants for their sons after they have come of age, I'm surprised that no eyebrows are raised at men who buy intimate products such sanitary towels and tampons for the women in their lives.

In any event, as you could have used a towel, nappy, or other absorbent material until your dh returned from his dm via the local shop/supermarket, it seems that you seized upon this as further evidence of your dh putting his mother first/above you.

With regard to the suggestion that you move away from his mother, mention it to your dh by all means but I think you'll find that if anyone's going to be moving, it'll be him going back to live with his dm or you being required to move out of what your culture may well believe is 'his' home.

NB This izzy is not related to the izzy who has a new changeling.

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 16:30:25

Thanks everyone for helping to see where the problem lies in this whole situation. I am still waiting for Therapy for my post Natal Dep but still taking Anti'ds. In all honestly I've realized I'm getting overly irritated and anxious not even in my r'ship with DH but also with things around me. I'm struggling to look after DD alone everysingle day. I gusee the solution is to opt for private CBT sessions rather be on the waiting list for the NHS fo soo long. I've re-read all your posts and I'm the problem. I hope DH will support me through this and we can get back to the way we were before.

izzyhasanewchangeling Thu 03-Jan-13 16:32:14

You arent the problem honey, you all are - you shouldnt be alone with DD 7 days a week, he shouldnt be in pub, you shouldnt be over reacting to MIL, she shouldnt be interfering - its a vicious circle, its just all you can change is yourself.

Could MIL maybe have DD 1 afternoon a week? Give you a break and start building bridges?

rainbowinthesky Thu 03-Jan-13 16:32:48

shadesofwhite - I disagree that you are the problem. I think you may contribute to it but you sound more driven to be like this by your dh. It's no good trying to sort yourself out if he remains the same.

That's just it! While it doesnt sound like your reactions are proportionate it also doesnr sound like you're the problem.
But there's not much can be done over the internet. Do you have rl friends? Have you talked to them, asked them to be honest.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 16:35:01

"I hope DH will support me through this "

Everything you've written about him so far suggests that's a pretty vain hope. He's a spoilt mummy's boy and he looks after #1. Unless you think he can support you from the snug at the local then do realise that you'll be battling this very much alone ... hmm

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 16:40:20

When I say hurting I mean lots of thing but I'll share one, when DH comes home drunk and he finds I havnt cooked he flips out. When I try to explain to him (which he can see) that I'm struggling with DD he just doesn't understand. Its our first baby and its hard for me, my whole Menstrual Cycle has been affecting me and even affecting our sex life. He blames it all on me and its awful when he is drunk. To be Honest I didn't let him in for my own sake with DD. I wanted peace and quiet and I was afraid coz I hadn't done much during the day. Please understand. I just feel so isolated aNd the only Person who is close to me (DH) is not even understanding that I'm not coping well rather I feel he is very sensitive and caring with mil, its probably a jelousy thing, don't know how to deal with it all.sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 16:42:43

He 'flips out' because you haven't got his dinner ready???!!!! Drunk, abusive, and goes home to mummy if things get a bit tricky?

Oh dear.... you don't need CBT, you need LTB. I think you've made a horrible, horrible mistake.

He flips out, he blames you, you are scared when you haven't "done enough". I doubt you will but please leave him. You shouldn't be living like this.

rainbowinthesky Thu 03-Jan-13 16:44:55

Cogito is right. It's not okay for him to behave in this way to you, really it's not.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 16:46:34

In your home culture where mothers don't buy underpants for their sons OP, is it the norm for wives to be too terrified of what their drunken husbands if there's no dinner on the table that they don't let them through the door? Because in the UK the kind of relationship you're talking about is called 'Domestic Abuse', it's a criminal offence and you should not be putting up with it.

izzyhasanewchangeling Thu 03-Jan-13 16:46:34

You are living with a drunk abusinve husband.

MIL is Not the problem.

You ARE NOT the problem.

DH IS the problem, let him go to mum, see how she likes it.

TakeMyEyesButNotTheMulledWine Thu 03-Jan-13 16:49:02

Oh bless you OP. He's a shit.

He's had his mother wiping his arse for him his whole life, and expects you to do the same.

Not surprising really you locked him out because he flips if you haven't cleaned up to his twatting standards. He's a pig!

I suggest you have counselling alone, to build your self esteem and kick his arse back to mummies house permanently.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 16:52:02

I suggest you keep the police phone number very close and that you also call the charity that does quite a lot for women in your situation - Womens Aid 0808 2000 247. Do you have any friends or family that you could go and stay with for a while? Get yourself to a place of safety? And have you told anyone IRL about his behaviour?

MoRaw Thu 03-Jan-13 16:59:00

It is a shame that some people are unable to respect your cultural beliefs. It may not make sense to you and me but that is neither here nor there. It is her culture and it means a lot to her. I am sure there are things we do that other cultures think are ridiculous.

Anyway, if your mother in law share the same culture, then she would surely know that buying him underwear is unacceptable.

Your situation sounds rather difficult. If I were in your shoes, I would be tempted to hand over your husband to his mother and be off on my merry way. You need to put your husband straight. He is the problem. Your mother-in-law may be domineering but she is the least of your problem.

This is why I've been asking the op to clarify her "hurt" comment. Would have saved a lot of faffing about pants and making the op think she is overreacting (which she is but understandably)

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 16:59:58

Iam on a waiting list for Therapy but I'm on Anti-D's ATM. I'm trying to get help for my self before I make any decision. Leaving him is worrying me because I can't provide for DD. I can't afford Child care to go to wOrk to put food on the table, and if I wanted to leave, he wouldn't let me leave with DD. I'd want to go back abroad to my parents for support but my DF doesn't want me to and depend on him(he is about to retire and all his fainances are going on to his own building projects). On top of that, I wouldn't want live with my Step M who brutally abused me as a child. (my DM passed when I was 10). I'm just stuck. I'll think I'll just get myself all the help that I need to put myself back on track and move on.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 17:02:48

She isn't overreacting. She's being abused by both her drunken violent DH, egged on by his mother. Got things the wrong way around by blaming mum and excusing the husband but, given that she's isolated, frightened and a long way from home, I'm not at all surprised that she's in such an emotional state.

What I mean is overreacting to her MIL buying her DH pants. But so would I be - as I said in my first post that is the lest of her problems given her controlling husband.

OP that is all shit, sorry hadn't seen your post when I replied to Cogito. Do you know what benefits you are entitled to? Not to mention support from him. You need proper RL advice and a plan on how to get out. I'm gld you at least see it as a possibility. You shouldnot be living like this.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 17:06:37

Oh dear.... escaped an abusive Stepmother and a father that rejects you in favour of a building project and you've ended up with an abusive MIL and a husband that terrifies you. Not much of a swap was it?

Talk to Womens Aid and talk to the police Domestic Violence unit for advice. There is a lot of help available for women like you. They will help you get away from this man WITH your children and Social Services will not be keen to let him have access. There is state financial help for lone parents and that should enable you to work in due course. But the main priority is to get yourself safe. Anti-depressants and therapy don't prevent you being abused.

MoRaw Thu 03-Jan-13 17:17:28

SPB she is not overreacting to the pants issue. In her culture it is seen as wrong. To you it seems a minor thing but in her culture it is seen as a big deal. Please respect that. In this day and age we should be more culturally sensitive.

Shadesofwhite, I am so sorry to hear of your situation and that fact that you feel you have no option. I think Cogito has offered some good advice.

Do you have good friends you can speak to?

Vagaceratops Thu 03-Jan-13 17:19:11

But maybe it is not seen wrong in her MIL's culture?

I have already explained why I cannot respect that - I actually feel such a 'culture' contributes to women in these situations feeling they have no option but to put up and shut up. But this thread isn't about that, it's about getting the OP away - unless that's a no no too? hmm

MoRaw Thu 03-Jan-13 17:28:39

Vaga that may well be the case although from what Shadesofwhite is saying, they are all seem to be from the same culture. My assumption may be wrong.

SPB I can't see how the underwear thing can be seen as some sort of female oppression. From what the OP says, in her culture, a wife buys her husband's intimate things - not mother, not sister, not aunt, not father or brother. She sees it as a direct insult from the mother-in-law.

The OP has enough problems on her plate for anyone to add to it by rubbishing her culture. You may not agree with it but to say you have no respect for it because you deem it as oppressive makes me shake my head.


shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 17:32:00

As much as i don't want go back to the "underwear" issue, let me clarify that we are all from the same culture plus mil and DH admitted it was wrong of her to do that intentionally. Many of you wouldn't understand but I'm glad at least MoRaw understands.
Thanks Cogito for the great advice and I really do appreciate it. I will try to sort things out but I'm going to be very careful that DH doesn't know. Its just sad that some people are unlucky in life, but as they say, the past doesn't matter rather what I'm I doing to Prepare myself for a better future.

Do you have people on real life who will support you?

Op how are you?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 09:10:59

Yes, how are you this morning? How are your preparations for a better future shaping up so far?

Allergictoironing Fri 04-Jan-13 09:13:06

OP can I ask if you are in the UK? Because much of what you are saying suggests either a middle eastern culture (but based in the UK), or deep south in the USA. These are cultures where "barefoot & pregnant" seem to be the norm, also where a man is looked after & pandered to by his mother until he gets married then his wife takes over that role.

I notice that there's no mention of a FiL. It may be relevant whether he died or left your MiL (abandonment issues on her part).

I do understand what it is about the underwear, it's not so much that one thing but it's a symbol of how your MiL is encroaching on your responsibilities in lots of different ways - that's just one typical example that is tangible.

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