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Been together a year, never had sex

(134 Posts)
Insecure24 Thu 03-Jan-13 11:18:28

I'm a regular but have name changed though I think I'll still be recognised.

Background so as not to drip feed: I'm 24 and have been with my absolutely brilliant bf (32) for a year. We live together, he's my best friend, doting male role model to my toddler dd. I really can't speak more highly if him. The problem is me.

My daughter is 2.7. I had a horrendous birth including: 3a tear with failed stitching in theatre, MROP, PPH, rectocele, full restitch at 3months postnatal including rectocele repair. All aged 21. My dd's father left us when she was 2 weeks old and has seen her just 5 times in her life.

Since all these birth problems I have been absolutely phobic of sex. It literally terrifies me. I have tried it three times before I met my bf just to "get on with it" but each time the bloke was so rough I bled. My fear is of re tearing.

I had my restitch privately by a fab surgeon and have been checked umpteen times by her, colleagues, GPs, women's physio, and just for an Mot a sexual health doctor who have all insisted I'm anatomically fine. It's in my head hmm

I've been to a psychosexual counsellor, tried dilators, massage I just can't process the thought of full intercourse.

My boyfriend is amazing. He doesn't push me or probe me at all. We regularly do everything else including oral and fingers which I love it's the thought of intercourse that I fear.

Due to my PPh at birth I had subsequent period problems too so have both a coil and the pill together .

I really want to get on with it. We love each other like crazy and I'm so grateful for him putting up with me. I'm just scared. Please help.

God that was long,

Insecure24 Thu 03-Jan-13 11:35:21

Bump

Xales Thu 03-Jan-13 11:44:47

I have to be honest. I don't understand most of your problems it sounds horrendous though.

You were really unlucky that you picked a selfish inconsiderate wanker to jump back in the sack with sad Having said that he was rough and you didn't tear just bled, try and look on that from the good side that your stitching/repairs can handle rough selfish wankers?

Have you considered maybe trying on the sofa with you on top?

That way you can control or stop at anytime. Lots and lots of lube even if you are normally wet enough.

You don't have to go for full sex/penetration. Just a little so that you are in control and you can gain trust in him.

Good luck he sounds like a good guy if he is happy to wait all this time!

dequoisagitil Thu 03-Jan-13 11:50:05

You have had sex, just not PIV.

How does your boyfriend feel about it? If he can handle it, as he has been doing and you are having lots of other types of sex, well, maybe PIV doesn't have to happen. Or it can be something you work on long-term.

Insecure24 Thu 03-Jan-13 12:15:10

What does PIV mean?

I've asked my bf loads of times if it bothers him, even offered a get out of jail free card but he says he loves me and it doesn't matter. But it matters to me.

tzella Thu 03-Jan-13 12:21:13

PIV = penis in vagina. I think the point is that you do have sex, just not penetrative.

Did you not feel comfortable with your counsellor? Could you try a different one?

dequoisagitil Thu 03-Jan-13 12:22:21

Penis in vagina.

Take the pressure off yourself, that's all I'm saying. He says he's ok with it, and you are having a good sex-life without it right now, so I think just give yourself more time and don't place as much importance on it. There's no rush.

priscilla101 Thu 03-Jan-13 12:23:21

Oh, insecure, that sounds horrid.

No advice as such, just didn't want to read and run. It sounds like you have a fantastic DP.

I think you have really been through the mill and you need to be kind to yourself. I had a phobia of travelling in cars and cognitive behaviour therapy was suggested to me. I didn't end up doing it, but it may be worth investigating?

I hope you can work this out. X

Insecure24 Thu 03-Jan-13 12:24:59

I felt comfortable yes but its all very well being told "the longer you wait the harder it will be" when you're not the one in the predicament. I'm going back on 23rd jan to report back on how I've been getting on since last meeting in October = no improvement.

dequoisagitil Thu 03-Jan-13 12:29:41

Who's told you the longer you wait the harder it'll be? If it's the counsellor, then perhaps he/she isn't a good one and you could do with seeing someone else.

HollaAtMeSanta Thu 03-Jan-13 12:30:04

PIV = Penis In Vagina shock

Can you get a referral for counselling?

tzella Thu 03-Jan-13 12:31:46

I agree with dequoisagitil. That sounds like a thoughtless platitude-type thing to say, not the considered sort of thing one would expect from a counsellor hmm

I'd ask to be referred to someone else.

Insecure24 Thu 03-Jan-13 12:35:41

Oh I agree but it took 7months to get an appointment through my PCT, I can't wait that long again!!

tzella Thu 03-Jan-13 12:37:26

Hmm. Now you have access to the correct department can you make a sideways move, if you see what I mean? Or can you afford to go private?

bestsonever Thu 03-Jan-13 12:39:52

You have my empathy, I too got a 3rd degree tear but luckily they seemed to have done a good stitch-up after - no way would I ever give birth via that route again though :-0. My thoughts are that you need to convince yourself that the rough 'practice' you had before is nothing like how your considerate, loving DP will be now. Slowly does it, be the one in control, use lots of lube (v.imp and helpful) and just try and relax but stop any time it gets uncomfortable. I'm sure your understanding DP will be fine with this - he sounds lovely btw.

AnotherPoster Thu 03-Jan-13 12:41:14

You poor thing, you have been through a horrendous experience, but you know what? You have got yourself a diamond man. He sounds lovely and just the right person to help you now.

I have name changed because of what I am about to say.

I once had a problem with penetrative sex - not for the reason you have - but it was just as restrictive and I was just as terrified. I was with my now husband for 5 years before we had penetrative sex. That's how I know I am with a good man!

Anyway, what pushed me forward in the end was the desire to have a baby as well as the obvious desire to be a normal couple, to experience normal sex, to give my husband the experience of normal sex (we were both virgins when we met).

I think slow but forwards is the way to go. You say you can take his fingers up you. That is great. Can he try adding one more finger and gently thrusting with them? Is there anything you could insert inside yourself (not during sex, when you are relaxed and on your own) to help you experience something inside yourself and know that it won't hurt? No-one knows this - not even my husband - but this is what I did in the lead up to having penetrative sex for the first time. When I could insert something bigger than a penis and obviously harder than one too, I knew I had achieved something. I was embarrassed and had to do this alone, but you sound like you have such a lovely relationship with your boyfriend, maybe it would be a good progression for you to ask him to do the inserting once you are comfortable?

One thing is certain: I know you want to fix this problem, but it doesn't have to be fixed by your next appointment. If you can only say that you have been working towards it, you will feel better than if you have done nothing. I know. Ignoring the problem, or saying 'well, we have great sex in other ways, penetration is not so important' doesn't really help you address overcoming what you want to overcome.

Good luck. Where there is a will, there is a way. smile

Insecure24 Thu 03-Jan-13 13:25:33

AnotherPoster thank you so much for your kind, honest post. I really admire you smile I can insert a purple Tampax (the tiny light ones) and have been able to insert the second size dilator and a bit of the third (there are 5 in the set).

I just want to feel like a normal 24 year old for myself mainly

munchkinmaster Thu 03-Jan-13 13:33:18

Do you want to have sex or do you think you ought to have sex? I imagine counselling won't work unless it's something you really want just for you. Not to feel normal, please dp etc. just for you?

Insecure24 Thu 03-Jan-13 13:36:07

For me!! To feel confident in my body, to feel like a proper woman and have an even more loving relationship with my bf xx

munchkinmaster Thu 03-Jan-13 14:09:07

Then maybe a three pronged approach:
- counsellor for help with the crappy previous experiences/emotional bit
- gradually approach sex like you would any other phobia with increasing steps toward sex. As suggested above
- focus on finding other ways to feel like a normal young woman - which you are - rembering this might take pressure off

Insecure24 Thu 03-Jan-13 14:51:59

It's my NY resolution

I don't know if it will help, and my post-birth problems were nowhere near as bad as yours, but this is how we approached the problem. It did take a few months for me to feel brave enough to have PIV sex, and the approach we took was to treat the first time as a purely mechanical event. We both knew that there would be very little loving pleasure from it, but it was just to let me know that the bits were working and that it wouldn't hurt. So really the first couple of times after birth were just sticking PIV, wiggling a bit and then finishing another way. As soon as we'd got over the initiatl hurdle of actually sticking PIV it became a lot easier.

I hope you find a solution.

bestsonever Thu 03-Jan-13 17:08:11

Gradually working through the 5 dilators to gain confidence sounds like a reasonable plan. I hope you smother them with lots of lube to make it easier. When you get to the point of being with your BF that way, take the pressure off by making no promises that it will happen, I think he will be understanding if it doesn't at first as it sounds like it's fine by him if you are never able to. It's understandable that after all the surgery things may be a bit tight, given time, understanding and relaxation you will probably adapt to accommodate.

Insecure24 Thu 03-Jan-13 17:21:57

Thanks for all the suggestions . I just panic and my muscles clench sad

AnotherPoster Thu 03-Jan-13 18:19:26

Yes, I know that problem. Even now, I'm afraid to say.

Relaxation and arousal are really key to the muscle clenching thing. I know, easier said than done.

You have to set yourself tiny tiny steps and allow yourself to be pleased when you achieve anything, no matter how small it is.

I really wish I could help you more.

Insecure24 Thu 03-Jan-13 18:25:00

Would anyone mind if I keep this thread as a diary? I don't expect replies smile

Solo Thu 03-Jan-13 18:33:36

Have you considered hypnosis? find a good and recommended hypnotherapist and see if that can help?
Good luck! smile

WakeyCakey Thu 03-Jan-13 18:40:51

A diary sounds like a good idea.
The main thing is not to punish yourself by feeling bad for your dp. He sounds like a lovely bloke! He obviously loves you and there is more to the two of you than sex!
I wish I could help but have no experience just want to say you seem really lovely and just make sure every step you are taking towards sex is because of you

Kundry Thu 03-Jan-13 18:45:04

I haven't been through what you went through but do have primary vaginismus. After my first relationship (had sex once in 1 year) I avoided relationships for 12 years as I was convinced I couldn't have sex ever.

Eventually I met my now DH and realised I wanted to change that situation. I knew mentally what I was supposed to do with dilators but having never managed to insert a tampon, it was just too hard to do. And I was mortified about going to my GP about it.

A bit of googling and I found www.vaginismus.com While it is based on dilators (yes, there is no way out of that) and a bit American, you get a workbook to go through and access to a confidential forum.

No way would I have got past dilator 2 without the forum and dilators alone wouldn't have worked for me without the workbook which addressed all my fears and advises on how to do it with your partner. Plus you get the advice of hundreds of women who have been in exactly the same situation as you (there is a whole group for women with secondary vaginismus).

And their first dilator is a cottonbud so totally non-scary. They also advised that fingers are much more difficult than dilators - so true, I can do one finger but not 2 although worked my way through all but the biggest dilators.

Have a look and see what you think but I found it rather like mumsnet but just for vaginismus.

Insecure24 Thu 03-Jan-13 18:45:46

Thanks for the suggestion solo, I'll look into it smile

Thanks wakey. Such nice people on mn grin

Insecure24 Thu 03-Jan-13 18:47:42

Thanks kundry. Been to GP and they said as I can insert a small tampon and size 2/3 of 5 dilators, it isn't vaginismus. Hmm.

LaCiccolina Thu 03-Jan-13 19:21:26

Have u tried a vibrator? I can recommend myla. They do one called ' bone' which is quite narrow at one end and fat and flatter at the other. It's smooth plastic and surprisingly well shaped. I wondered after reading another poster suggesting u try putting something up there on ur own to gain confidence? It's a bit pricey ill admit and I don't suggest u actually turn it on just insert it a bit at a time to find out where ur comfortable etc?

It's just a very nice very plain looking vibrator that has no colours or penis like design really. It might though help u? Some of them are so scary looking and I thought maybe u wouldn't know of this firm. They do very pretty underwear too. It's online/postage as well as shops in London.

Junebugjr Thu 03-Jan-13 19:28:08

Hi insecure.

Another one here who had the FULL birth experience as you did - crap birth, restitch, repair etc. I have also developed vulvodynia from my experience too.

It took me 18months to gather the courage to ahem, get back on the wagon. Mine is complicated by the vulvodynia of course. I won't lie, the first 5/6 times I was terrified, as in the post partum poo terrified, TMI I know but gives you a feel of how scared I was grin

The first few times were slightly painful and weird feeling, but I think that was more to do with sheer terror. Since then we've had sex twice a month, I'm still slightly scared, but have confidence now my poor old vag won't rip open.

I didn't use any dilators etc, but could see how they would be confidence building.

Lube, lube, lube.

Weird and tmi tip sorry, but try not to have an orgasm before sex, get to the brink, and then try PIV sex, if pleasurable, the nice feelings may condition you to get less scared over time. This obviously is to try after the first few times.

You will get there and your not the only one, it can be incredibly lonely and isolating, experiencing sexual dysfunction when all around us is sexuality on the tv, and adverts etc. I've been teary at a few things on tv, making it obvious that people have an active sex life.

Psychosexual counselling obviously, but no experience of this!

AnotherPoster Thu 03-Jan-13 19:41:50

Using this thread as a diary is a great idea, and I will certainly look in from time to time to cheer you on. The other thing you can do, if you want to, is use this space here to set yourself some little target, a bit like some Mners do on the housework threads. They set themselves jobs to do, and come back when they have done them. It might give you a bit more of an incentive. But if you feel that would be putting too much pressure on yourself, then ignore the idea. smile

I am a bit shocked at what you wrote here: 'as I can insert a small tampon and size 2/3 of 5 dilators, it isn't vaginismus'. I have always been able to insert tampons, and, while I don't exactly know what the size of these dilators are, I have had smear tests. Yet, even now, many years since my husband and I started having intercourse, he still has to penetrate and then wait for me to relax before I free up enough for him to be able to thrust. I thought that was vaginismus, but according to your GP, because I can use tampons, it isn't confused. Surely there are degrees of vaginismus? I am off to check kundry's site anyway...

Insecure24 Thu 03-Jan-13 19:52:01

I was surprised too Another. The GP/counsellor said that people with vaginismus would struggle to insert a cotton bud. Ok so I can insert something with a little larger diameter but the fear and trepidation is enormous!

AnotherPoster Thu 03-Jan-13 19:58:28

I think they are talking rubbish tbh. I just looked at the vaginismus.com site and it says there are degrees of vaginismus and some women with the condition are perfectly able to insert tampons. Have you looked at the site? I briefly read through the definitions of vaginismus, causes, treatment, etc. Under treatment, there is a 10 step plan. Unfortunately, it doesn't go into that much detail, and you are invited to buy a $99 pack to proceed, but, given the counselling you have already received, you might be able to see if the outline of the plan matches what you have been given to do. It might give you more ideas?

Kundry Thu 03-Jan-13 20:03:32

Can I just say (as a doctor but not a GP) but that your GP is talking rubbish. Also even if not vaginismus ie contracting muscles, the treatment is still going to be dilators. And if you are frightened, it doesn't really matter what it is, you need some help!

I found that initially I could get to size 2 dilator, size 3 was incredibly difficult and even when I was consistently managing the 4 I needed to build up from the small ones and actual sex took ages even when I mentally knew I should be able to do it. But I had a lovely partner who I felt safe with (unlike the arse who dumped me and said I was defective) who was willing to take as long as it needed so now is the time for you too!

What your GP prob can't give you is all the tips on how to move from one step to the next and the website gave me access to hundreds of women telling me like it was for them.

I found it revealing that I am a doctor yet my knowledge of my own anatomy turned out to be rather limited!

I'm really not on commission for that site (I would deffo have preferred one a bit less USA orientated) but I don't think I would be married now without it. Some of the stories of women who hadn't had sex for decades and yet were getting there were so inspiring. And I realised I wasn't ALONE when I'd spent years thinking I wasn't a fully working woman IYSWIM.

Insecure24 Thu 03-Jan-13 20:16:20

I will definitely have a good look at the 10 step plan Another. And Kundry, I admire you smile

As a side note, tomorrow my parents and my bf's parents are meeting for the first time and I feel sick lol. Sure it'll be fine, wont it?! hmm

AnotherPoster Thu 03-Jan-13 20:20:23

LOL, now that is another problem altogether and not one that comes with a 10 step guide either! But it is wonderful that your relationship has reached the point where the 2 sets of parents are going to meet. Enjoy the day. smile

Kundry Thu 03-Jan-13 20:29:24

God your parents and his parents? Wish there was a guide to that one!

Can't really explain the 10 step plan as it's less about the plan - more the way they break everything down into tiny steps, I kind of felt I had nothing to lose except the money as couldn't be worse than how I was. A lot of the steps are about pelvic floor exercises and working through writing down what your fears and memories about sex are and challenging them. Then slowly dilating, finally having sex (which BTW they recommend you start with you on top rather than missionary). But the forum access helped a lot and that is closed unless you buy the package.

If anyone finds a free vaginismus forum, that would be a marvel.

Insecure24 Fri 04-Jan-13 17:36:41

survived the parents meet up! Lovely day smile

fuckadoodlepoopoo Fri 04-Jan-13 18:14:18

Have you tried asking your boyfriend if he minds you climbing on top and just putting the tip of his penis in? (i don't suppose he would mind.)

No pressure to go further than that. Just the tip, see how it feels, then go from there.

ineverknew Fri 04-Jan-13 20:47:40

Hi Insecure I'm a name changer too. To Inever knew, because until I read this thread I never knew there was a name for what I had.
I had primary vagisimus. When I married DH (both virgins) I was keen to have sex (normal there!) but really couldnt. I really wanted to in my head, but every time we tried, I felt like my vagina had just closed up and shut him out. Fingers were fine, and I'd never had a problem with tampax.

Having just read wikipedia on the subject I have worked out where my issue came from - religious upbringing where although sex in marriage is fine, outside it is not. Although we were married, somehow my pysche/body had decided that I shouldnt do it, even though I wanted to, and we were "allowed" to now we were married.

It was incredibly frustrating, and upsetting to be willing, and ready, adn aroused, and yet it be impossible.

Luckily, like your BF, DH is a good man. I assured him this was not of my choice and he was very patient.
We did lots of other stuff, and periodically tried sex.
I'm not sure if someone has already mentioned this, but we tried him entering VERY slowly, (with me gritting teeth somewhat as he had to be quite forceful) and then just waiting. A minute or 2, with no pressure from him, and sometimes, gradually my muscles would relax, and we could then do a bit of "proper" sex. After a while, he could enter more easily, and I wouldnt be keeping him out IYSWIM? (I was always willing in this, and he was happy to stop whenever I said.)
It did take time, and preserverence, (and lots of KY) and thankfully he was great.
IT WAS WORTH IT! 12 years down the line, we have 3 lovely DC and a sex life that (well a bit quieter than it was) is great. No problems at all.

I think you're doing brilliantly- I have never told anyone all of this, not even to strangers on the internet - I was so ashamed of having a vagina that didnt appear to work properly.
Good luck - you will get past it, and it sounds like you have the right person to help you do so.
sorry it was an epic post

Insecure24 Fri 04-Jan-13 21:30:04

Thank you for that Ineverknew. So nice to read about the decent blokes in the world for a change and I admire you for persevering to have a lovely family.

. I have a beautiful dd from a previous relationship but it was an abusive one. He continually told me I was fat despite being a size 8. My self esteem was shattered so I rarely felt comfortable naked and hence over our 3 years together we had sex maybe 30 times.

A side issue really but I guess I'm just saying how lucky I am now to have someone tell me it doesn't matter and how beautiful I am. Dd will be 3 in may and I long for another baby. I hope 2013 is the year I sort this irrational, all-consuming issue out.

Insecure24 Fri 04-Jan-13 21:56:36

I don't know how to link a website from my phone but what do you ladies think of Vagi Wave? I'm quite excited by it!

Insecure24 Sat 05-Jan-13 08:02:08

Bump, Vagi wave - anyone?!

AnotherPoster Sat 05-Jan-13 09:04:20

Here is the link for others

Hmmm, I don't know Insecure. Unless anyone can tell me otherwise, that looks a bit like a scam to me. I have had a look through the whole site and not read anything that convinces me that the product does anything except sit in your vagina while you sleep. Nothing explains how it works or why, and it costs £60 so I would need to know more before I paid out that much money. Sorry to be so damning. Perhaps someone else will come along in a moment and tell you it worked for them.

Insecure24 Sat 05-Jan-13 09:17:56

It features a lot as recommended on the Embarrassing Bodies website

AnotherPoster Sat 05-Jan-13 09:23:41

Oh ok, well that makes it sound more genuine then. Does the Embarrassing Bodies website explain what it does at all?

Insecure24 Sat 05-Jan-13 10:25:46

I'm not too sure tbh. Just under vaginismus there's lots of posters who have commented that they've used it. Tbh I'm willing to try anything sad

AnotherPoster Sat 05-Jan-13 11:10:29

I know you would. sad I just don't see what it does (not saying it doesn't do anything, but I would have thought the website would want to say what it does) and I know that there are scams out there that work on people being desperate, like you are.sad

Tell me about the dilators you have tried. How did you get on with them? Do you not feel they are worth carrying on with? I ask because, as I said before, I built up my confidence with putting things inside me (I wish I had known about dilators then!)

Insecure24 Sat 05-Jan-13 11:32:48

What did you use to insert? I can do the 2nd size but have to start with number 1 first and build up. I can then move onto a small part of the third at which point I feel too "full" blush. He'd be mortified to know I'm saying this but bf isn't huge, he's probably slightly smaller than average so I've always kind of thought "thank God for that". I long for another baby sad

AnotherPoster Sat 05-Jan-13 12:20:10

Ummm, I hesitate to say what I used. blush

But put it this way, when I could insert a small deodorant bottle blush I knew I had gone far enough.

I am not sure about sizes - my dh is the only man I have been with, though obviously I have seen others in porn etc - but I reckon he is quite biggish. For me now, the trouble isn't that he can't get in, but I clench up, even when I don't mean to, and we rarely seem to have what I think of as proper thrusting sex. But maybe that is only in porn? I don't really know.

So, when you put in no.3 that feels too full? Does that mean you can't wiggle it around? Can you wiggle no. 1 around? Do you try leaving it in, say reading something for a while, and seeing if you can relax and loosen up a bit? Sorry if all this is impossible or irrelevant. I am not an expert on sorting this problem, I just know what I would try.

AnotherPoster Sat 05-Jan-13 12:21:38

Oh I meant to say also, that longing for another baby is what is going to help you overcome this problem. It did for me, anyway.

BelaLugosisShed Sat 05-Jan-13 12:49:35

Do you have any scarring or rough patches of skin around the tear site? Perineal massage with bio oil etc. could be helpful and will get you used to stretching the skin, a vibrator on the (outside) area will stimulate blood flow and help to heal any nerve damage too smile . I assume that it's actually the fear of the skin ripping that is causing the tensing up?
It may also be useful to read up on female physiology and what actually happens to the vagina during sex - there are also creams, like the delay ones for men, with a tiny amount of lidocaine in them to lightly numb the area, possibly that would be enough to get you used to having your partner inside you with the knowledge that it wouldn't hurt at all, as long as he is extremely gentle and doesn't move at all, you can be on top of him and control the depth of penetration, if you can fit the tip of his penis inside you, you can have full penetrative sex, it's just a matter of him letting you take things at your pace.
You're only a year older than my daughter and I feel for you so much, thankfully your boyfriend sounds wonderful and very much the right man for the job, so to speak.

Insecure24 Sat 05-Jan-13 16:19:49

Grr I posted but it hasnt appeared so will retype a summarised version!

Dear MN diary,

Mum has dd for the afternoon so after a lovely lunch on the river with the bf, we came home to some us time. He was able to insert two fingers (albeit one his pinky!) and thrust them both in and out. A) I wasnt scared, b) I enjoyed it and orgasmed and c) it didnt hurt.

Baby step I know but mountainous achievement pour moi grin

AnotherPoster Sat 05-Jan-13 17:10:28

Would it be inappropriate to say woohoo!
grin

(I do feel a bit like a voyeur though blush)

Insecure24 Sat 05-Jan-13 17:24:54

Wahoo! I was so happy I shed a stupid little tear after! Bf just scooped me into a ginormous bear hugsmile. I'm sure I'm still months away from full sex but it's the boost I need. Decided not to buy VagiWave or attempt dilators again as it feels too mechanical and clinical. Just going to take my time au natural and work together as a couple.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 05-Jan-13 18:03:43

Yay! So you can have vaginal orgasms? Im so jealous!

Insecure24 Sat 05-Jan-13 21:44:26

I don't think I can alone, need a lot of clitoral help blush

SearchingforSleep Sat 05-Jan-13 22:25:24

Another one adding my support and encouragement - you are doing brilliantly! grin What you went through during/post birth sounds absolutely horrific. shock And it sounds like your partner is amazing. With your determination and his patience and support you will be able to get over this, together. It sounds as though you have already taken the first steps and that's huge - little tiny bit by little tiny bit it will get easier as your confidence grows...

I have had similar issues albeit without any obvious 'reason'. Ended up being referred to a gynaecologist who confirmed that nothing was anatomically wrong but my muscles were going into spasm when attempting intercourse. I was referred for physio(!) which involved pelvic floor exercises working up to clenching on a probe to try to teach me what my muscles felt like clenched and how to relax them. Partially successful but I think the key to it all has been having a hugely patient and sympathetic partner who has never put me under pressure and slowly, slowly we have worked up to being able to have penetrative sex - initially just being able to put his little finger inside felt like a huge achievement.
We now have a wonderful 15mo DD which for a long time I never would have believed was possible for us. grin

I am so sorry to hear of other people's similar experiences - I know how frustrating it is to not be able to do something which 'should' be so natural and right when you are with someone you love - and such feelings of sadness and inadequacy especially when you feel your partner is missing out as well as you. hmm

Wishing you all the best OP - I'm sure you will get there - lots of luck... smile

SomeKindOfDeliciousBiscuit Sun 06-Jan-13 00:54:53

Just wanted to add my congratulations. I had 2nd deg complex tearing and a year on with my wonderful, considerate husband, I feel like I'm almost back to normal. I've had everything on my side for recovery but I still get moments of fear because of pressure in the 'wrong' place (not necessarily wrong, just if I feel nervous iyswim). God knows how I'd have been of I'd had anyone being rough with me in the middle.

Lots of admiration for you and what you've already achieved in terms of new partner and resuming life.

Insecure24 Sun 06-Jan-13 11:11:55

So overwhelmed by the mumsnet cyberspace support I'm getting thank you! grin.

MushroomSoup Sun 06-Jan-13 11:18:44

Lovely!

Insecure24 Sun 06-Jan-13 17:08:57

Apart from my mum and bf no one in rl knows all this. It's quite cathartic writing it all down. Mentally preparing myself to go back to work tomorrow. Sigh hmm

BelaLugosisShed Sun 06-Jan-13 17:50:47

This thread makes a lovely antidote to the "men neeeeeed sex" bollox that is often spouted on here - good men are patient and compassionate and give whatever time is needed.

Kundry Sun 06-Jan-13 22:13:39

Well done!!! I am so happy for you.

While I had the '10 steps' I did kind of mix and match as the main thing is to have confidence and believe it will happen (which after years of it not happening is v v difficult). My DH as I said above was my first partner in 18 years - sounds dreadful when I just worked that out, I think I had stopped counting at 10. Although he didn't know what vaginismus was (and I didn't tell him til after) he was v sympathetic, didn't through a strop and leave through our sexual failures and I think it helped me know he was 'the one'. This is making me cry now!

I've got my book out and thought I'd post a summary in case any of it helps you or anyone else - as I said, I don't think I would have got anywhere just with a set of dilators without the magic book and hearing from other women on line. This cost me £99 so here's my summary for free!

1. Learning about vaginismus, vaginas and pelvic floors.

First thing is that it is very variable but your vagina is OK, just the muscles around it are involuntary spasm. It can vary from woman to woman - so some women can't get anything in their vagina and some can manage a full gynae exam or partially insert a penis (so bollocks to the GP that told you it wasn't vaginismus). Your muscles and sexual responses have a memory - this can include stuff your mum told you about sex, bad experiences with a partner, birth trauma. Somewhere along the line your pelvic floor muscles have a memory that cuts you off in arousal, preventing you from progressing and them learning that inserting a penis is OK.

In the workbook it suggests you write down how it affects you relationships, positive things you will get from overcoming it and to list other problems in your life you have overcome - just to show you can do it (writing things down sounds corny but I found this really helped). It suggests you start by trying some relaxation techniques and focus on relaxing muscles.

2. Mind over matter

This is about looking at your relationships, dating and sexual history, sex education as a child, medical problems such as after childbirth or mentrual problems. If you spoke to someone about problems what was their reaction - did it help or just make you frightened or feel defective? The idea is to see if subconsciously your beliefs are adding to your fear and your pelvic floor is acting on your fears.

I found this one of the most helpful parts of the book although I wrote most of it in tears.

It made me think about what I had learnt about sex - on one page of the workbook I've written 'Sex is painful, sex is embarrassing, sex is never to be talked about, sex is mechanical and sexual problems are your fault - all of these thoughts are WRONG'. And I realised that my first 2 partners were abusive. I had honestly no idea that I thought any of this.

In a slightly American and corny way it then suggests you make declarations putting the past behind you, giving your self permission to be a sexual woman. Sounds weird now, but at the time it was brilliant.

3. Anatomy

Basically this is when you get a mirror out and have a look at your ladybits. And if you haven't done it before, masturbate grin You can have a feel about your vagina but don't stress about getting inside it.

The book had lots of details about exactly what each bit does and pictures of all shapes and sizes of bits. For me what was really useful was a description of what happens during arousal (they didn't teach this at medical school!) I found it really helpful to learn that your vagina changes shape during arousal - it lubricates in less than 30 seconds, forms a funnel shape, grows larger, stretches longer, the cervix pulls up out of the way. Having failed to insert a tampon, this really helped me to know that during sex IT WAS DIFFERENT. For a while I repeated 'your vagina changes shape in 30 s' in my head just before we tried to get in - I'm sure DH thought I was thinking about him!

Then lots of description of why sex might be painful at the beginning - all of which boiled down to the fact that your partner should take it slow and make sure you are really turned on (and if he doesn't you should dump him.... OK I added that bit wink

4. Pelvic floor muscles

This is boot camp for your pelvic floor. You are supposed to do 3 exercises:
tighten hard for 3 secs and relax for 3 secs
Flex and relax as quickly as possible like flickering
Slowly squeeze and pull up your pelvic floor as far as possible and then slowly relax as far as possible.

You do this for 4 weeks (!)
Week 1: 25 of each a day
Week 2: 50 of each a day
Week 3: 75 of each a day
Week 4: 100 of each a day

For me this was another important step as you gain a lot of control of your muscles which enables you to consciously relax them when you are trying to inserts dilators (or penises) later on.

5. First insertion

The book suggests a Q-tip or a finger (I found I had no problem until dilator 2 but everyone will be different). Relax, do some pelvic floor exercises, use loads of lube. Stand with one foot on the bed, find the entrance to your vagina, do more squeeze and release and then slowly insert, doing more squeeze and release every time you get stuck. If it isn't happening, congratulate yourself on how far you did get and try again tomorrow.

6. Graduated dilators

Basically you work your way through the dilator set (confession - I never did the biggest one cos it looked freaky!)
You use the same procedure as for step 5 but find the position most comfortable for you - could be squatting or lying on the bed sort of sitting up (I liked this because I am lazy)
So get into position, lube up your chosen dilator, relax, do some pelvic floor exercises, move the dilator around your lips and vaginal entrance and then start inserting. If you get stuck, don't force it, relax, do some more pelvic floor exercises and see if you can move forward. If you can't don't worry, try again tomorrow. I found it helped to sort of estimate how far I'd got in so I could see I was a centimetre further than the previous day IYSWIM. You'll probably find you have a 'band' you get stuck at which is your pelvic floor muscles and when you get past these you can go all the way in.

Once you are in practice removing and inserting the dilator MANY times, both slowly and rapidly. If you want it to be a bit more like sex, throw in some pelvic thrusts. If you are stuck on one level, try leaving the dilator you can do in for longer periods of time - ie leave it in for an hour while you lie in bed watching TV.

When you feel ready to go up a size, practice with the one you know you can do rather than just going straight up. Don't go up a size unless you have been successful with the smaller one at least twice on 2 separate days.

On the website there were women who had gone through the whole set in a week (which I found v inspiring but unachievable) to those who had spent a year over it. I nearly got stuck as it is fucking painful so you have to keep remembering your success, why you want to do it and how you have done much more than you previously thought possible. This is absolutely the bit where if I had just had a bag of dilators and no advice or support, I would have given up.

7. Involve your partner

This is the good bit! (Having not bothered to tell my partner I had a problem, we didn't do this in textbook fashion - with hindsight I wish I had as it would have been a lot easier. However I did get to do lots of foreplay smile)

You and your partner focus on pleasuring each other (with no attempts to have penis in vagina sex) and discovering each others anatomy. If you have had psychosexual counselling, you'll know that they suggest starting with things like hand massage before moving onto more obviously sexual areas.

8. Pre-sex

Get your partner involved in dilator insertion - this is the bit I didn't do and I think would have been really helpful so sex wasn't so much of a leap. Oh well, we finally figured it out. They encourage you to then start doing some foreplay and sexual touching with the dilator inside, to help your muscles relearn that this is actually pleasurable.

9. Transition to sex

Again, I didn't do this bit and wish I had. They suggest you go for you on top as it gives you the most control (On the website, I found loads of women preferred missionary as it was closer to the position they had used when dilating). Get on top with the largest dilator in then slip it out and replace with his penis. If it isn't working, keep swapping between dilator and penis and remember to flex and release your pelvic floor if you get stuck. As someone suggested above, they also suggest it will be easier if you are aroused or just after an orgasm. And practice - they suggest a minimum of 4-5 times a week! The more practice the better!

10. Sex, lots of it!

Basically you keep practising. They suggest starting with just you moving, then just him moving, then moving together, then going for different positions. And now you aren't really doing a 10 step programme because you are all loved up and haven't a problem.

I hope some of this mammoth post is helpful to someone. I mixed and matched what I felt comfortable with but have to confess, a year on, it would all have been quicker if I'd followed the book religiously. Obviously the book is longer but I've tried to post what I found most useful and I'd never read this stuff elsewhere - it really was, here's some dilators, get on with it - this didn't work but the 10 steps (well, my version) did.

Good luck everyone and get doing those pelvic floor exercises grin

Insecure24 Mon 07-Jan-13 17:30:56

Blimey Kundry!! What an epic post grin I'm still at work so not best apt to read about vag anatomy now but shall read in front of corrie tonight!

Insecure24 Fri 11-Jan-13 16:52:24

Hi all. Nothing to report sad Had such a mental week at work, all this sex stuff has been the last thing on my mind when I've come home each night. Got my therapy appointment on the 23rd, feeling quite worried about it but at least I have my small climbed hurdle to report. Looking forward to a takeaway tonight grin Hope you're all well

iwantanafternoonnap Fri 11-Jan-13 17:36:42

Hi I haven't read all the replies but I think you possibly need some PTSD therapy to deal with your traumatic birth.

I had an awful birth (but no damage to my lady parts) and I have just had EMDR for this and it has changed my life. This may be of help to you, if you deal with the trauma then maybe you won't be so shut off to sex. Sex can mean babies and that may be what is causing you to have so much trouble.

I highly recommend it.

Insecure24 Sat 12-Jan-13 21:53:13

Well, today I managed PIV. Sort of. He was in me just 2mins max and we pretty much didn't move during that time but he did enter me fully. blush

Solo Sun 13-Jan-13 00:20:36

That's fantastic news! good on you smile

feellikearubbishmummy Sun 13-Jan-13 00:22:52

Great thread to read and now I know what PIV stands for blush

Amazing that you have been able to keep moving this forward for you both as a couple. I wish you well in your future together smile

BluelightsAndSirens Sun 13-Jan-13 00:35:36

Another poster reading without advice but so glad t hear you are able to move forward..

Good luck!

Insecure24 Sun 13-Jan-13 08:40:07

Thanks smile I started crying that I could only tolerate 2mins but bf told me love is more important than sex and that we have the rest of our lives to take our time which was lovely and reassuring to hear. Think will try little and often to build my confidence. But now I have an update for the therapist!

Solo Sun 13-Jan-13 23:52:20

You should be smile smiling about your 2 minute achievement imo. It's a massive step forward!
Your man sounds fabulous! what an absolute sweetheart!
Keep up the good ~ no! great work!!

Insecure24 Mon 14-Jan-13 07:23:12

He's amazing grin

anonacfr Mon 14-Jan-13 18:41:31

He sounds so wonderful.

Insecure24 Sun 20-Jan-13 09:39:10

Another update for anyone marginally interested! Had PIV a second time. I tolerated maybe 4 minutes this time! But it still felt uncomfortable, mainly too tight. I suppose I need to stretch out inside.blush Got my therapy appointment on Wednesday. My period's due this week so will have a week off trying but never mind

MushroomSoup Sun 20-Jan-13 11:20:23

Very interested and very pleased!

Xales Sun 20-Jan-13 11:27:06

Congratulations on 4 minutes! Especially when you think, some men don't last that long with actual sex wink

It's gonna feel tight as you will not be completely relaxed.

If you and your OH are not fussed about blood, don't put off another week just use an old towel and see it as extra lube...

Insecure24 Tue 22-Jan-13 21:03:00

Hi all, I have my appointment with the psychosexual counsellor tomorrow and am actually feeling very positive. And Thursday is our actual one year anniversary and I've been told to make sure I wear a nice dress as he's taking me out. Very excited grin Hope you've all ha a good start to the week. Em x

something2say Tue 22-Jan-13 21:08:51

Well done my dear that's made me smile x

RubyrooUK Tue 22-Jan-13 21:17:36

Well done OP. I read your thread before and meant to post (but got distracted). You SHOULD feel positive because sorting out the therapy means you're moving in the right direction. (I speak as a survivor of a hideous birth injury that I've been able to overcome to have a very happy sex life again.)

Judging by the lovely, thoughtful way you post on this thread, it's no surprise you've got a lovely boyfriend because you clearly are very deserving of one. Good luck with your appointment.

Insecure24 Wed 23-Jan-13 07:40:38

Aww thanks ruby! blush

sallypearce55 Wed 23-Jan-13 23:11:00

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Insecure24 Sun 27-Jan-13 07:31:15

Hi all, looking for some secondary advice. Due to complications with my cycle after I had dd (2.8) I was given both mirena and the pill together and have had both ever since. I take a break as usual each month with the pill. I want to give up one now. And the other too at the end of the year when hopefully I've cracked the sex thing and ready to ttc. Which would you drop first? When I had dd I hadn't even stopped the pill. I missed just one and conceived! But in typical circumstances, which takes longer to conceive when you come off it, mirena or combined pill?

DancingInTheMoonlight Sun 27-Jan-13 07:50:22

I don't think there is any difference conception wise but if you went on the pill fire irregular bleeding on the coil then that us likely to return if you stop the pill, so i would get rid of the coil and continue with the pill (which is my plan with my implant!)

Insecure24 Sun 27-Jan-13 09:32:09

Thanks dancing! Do you have the two together at the moment?

DancingInTheMoonlight Sun 27-Jan-13 09:55:36

I have the arm implant and pill together at the moment. Works well for bleeding but i have a break every 2 months as i begin tofeel bit crazy with hormones. I then have about a two week bleed (only heavy a few days). The pill would work just as well, i just went on the implant as i really didn't want another baby straight after ds. Now i wouldn't be devastated if it happened but not planning on ttc until the end of this year

Insecure24 Sun 27-Jan-13 15:54:53

Oh ok cool! Snap grin I'm a teacher so think I'll wait til Easter hols to have the coil removed. I've heard you can have a colossal bleed after removal so I'll appreciate being at home for a couple of weeks. I have a phobia of bleeding though, brings on huge panic attacks, so hope it's not too awful blush

lisamason Sat 02-Feb-13 23:40:07

insecure24 re your entry 5 jan.

oh i wish you would have gotten hold of a vagi-wave, it is such a gentle device that works even tho you cant feel it. look if you or anyone else is suffering give this device some thought, gets thumbs up for me as it worked.

just remember anything you are gunna do to get past all this stuff is gunna cause you worry and panic, but you have to think past the worry or you will never get past it. i know i cried my eyes out but kept going and came out tother side.

Insecure24 Sun 10-Feb-13 14:16:31

Hi all. Sorry for no recent update. Dp is in Australia at the mo on business so definitely no action! He's back on Sunday though so hopefully will resume trying soon. I saw the psychosexual counsellor a few weeks ago. She got 'cross' that I'd got 'straight to it' without building up more slowly. I felt a bit stupid tbh. She said I shouldn't have full sex again without building up slowly: 1 finger, 2 fingers, small dildo. Hmm. Anyway I've bought a vagiwave, hasn't been delivered yet but will give it a go.

MushroomSoup Sun 10-Feb-13 14:25:58

Fancy being cross at THAT! You'd think she'd be delighted!

jenna558 Sun 10-Feb-13 14:28:17

My partner was the same way it will get better

Insecure24 Thu 21-Feb-13 17:09:19

Hi all. Today's been a bad day so I need to just let it out on here. I've spent the entire day in tears. All because it's come to a head how much of a failure I feel over this whole inability to have sex. My bf consoled me for hours saying all the right things but now he's left to go away til Saturday. I just feel totally useless, worthless and a complete failure as a woman and partner. We've been together 13months and I can't provide sexually properly for my boyfriend. I'm a freak. I'm 24 ffs. I'm going to try CBT on Saturday. I felt like I was making baby steps recently but now I'm just a crying wreck. sad

kalidanger Thu 21-Feb-13 17:26:17

Did that horrible counsellor upset you? Can you request another one?

Insecure24 Thu 21-Feb-13 17:28:16

Well she definitely made me feel id done wrong. I think what's done it today is being surrounded by fb updates of pregnancy announcements and babies being born. My bf will be 33 soon and so wants to be a dad. I'm fracking useless sad

Andro Thu 21-Feb-13 17:32:40

Insecure - what you are experiencing is pretty normal when dealing with a trauma (and there is no doubt, you are dealing with a trauma).

DS is in therapy for a trauma induced phobia, his therapist made it very clear that a some point in the process he would regress. The way it was explained to us was that as he started to recognise the phobia for what it is - the result of a bad experience in his case - he would start to castigate himself for being 'weak' or 'pathetic' or 'a freak' and we would need to support him whist he let it out. His therapist was correct, he regressed big time! We had days of on and off tears and self hate...it was unpleasant for all concerned to say the least. The thing is, it was also a break through. He's taken some significant step since his meltdown because he has worked out how to start putting aspects of his fear into perspective, the meltdown almost acted a a board rubber - where he was at was accepted and he had cleared the way to move forward.

I guess what I'm saying is that this isn't necessarily a bad thing over all. Much like the stages of grieving, trauma recovery also has stages and it's possible that this is the next step for you. Give your amazing OH a huge hug, tell him you love him and thank him for supporting you. Tomorrow is a new day, hopefully a better one.

jayho Thu 21-Feb-13 17:34:08

There's other ways of getting pregnant, one step at a time, you're doing so well, give yourself a break, ie don't be so hard on yourself.

Insecure24 Thu 21-Feb-13 17:36:49

Jayho - do you mean ivf?

kalidanger Thu 21-Feb-13 17:41:46

I'm fracking useless

Golly, no you're not! It's unreasonable of a counsellor to give you a hard time for making progress on your own! Perhaps you could say "I want and need your help and advice for ways to move forward and if I make progress on my own I'd hope we can absorb that into the work we're doing" or some such thing.

jayho Thu 21-Feb-13 17:46:39

no smile turkey basters, whatever, trying to be a bit light hearted. Just my opinion, so tell me to piss off if needs be, but you seem so focused on it having to work. Try to get a bit of fun as well, not trying to minimilise what you're going through in any way and I can completely understand how upsetting it must be having had a traumatic first birth myself. I just feel sad that you've had a setback and seem so despondent when you've been doing so well and wanted to be encouraging.

Insecure24 Thu 21-Feb-13 17:52:36

I told him I'd understand if he went elsewhere. I really would. I can't expect him to stick around indefinitely. Hes a bloke with needs. But he's just sent me a pic message of Bournemouth beach saying "the very spot I first said I love you. I do with all my heart" . So I've just started balling again!

kalidanger Thu 21-Feb-13 17:55:17

Don't tell him to go away grin You got PMT or something, darling? grin He won't need to wait for ever - you're making progress together and you're working as hard as you can on it.

jayho Thu 21-Feb-13 17:56:04

He's a bloke who needs YOU x

Insecure24 Thu 21-Feb-13 17:57:19

No pmt! grinjust feel like shit today

Insecure24 Fri 22-Feb-13 09:18:25

Right, I gave myself a huge slap last night grin Got myself a free trial appointment with a CBT therapist tomorrow and following psychosexual counsellors go at me for not following "the steps", last night I did as I was told and attempted a vibrator as bf is away and I had some peace! It's ahem a beginner's one so quite small in diameter but about 5" long and I reckon I got about 4" in without discomfort albeit a LOT of lube. I know I'm incredibly lucky to have such a respectful and supportive partner which makes me want to crack this even more.

So last night i made a little progress. Today is the day I'm going to start facing my fear head on and. Today is going to be the first day of the rest of my life.

Up yours phobia!!

kalidanger Fri 22-Feb-13 09:41:19

Someone sent me this link this morning. It's strangely soothing...

Xales Fri 22-Feb-13 10:03:49

Not impressed with your counsellor. Didn't think they were supposed to make you feel shit.

I am not a counsellor, however vibrators are hard. Fingers can be hard and a bit boney. A stiff penis has a natural slight give/squish. They are not as hard. Dies that make any sense hmm

I think they feel nicer.

Insecure24 Fri 22-Feb-13 10:38:35

Yes xales but a vibrator I have more control over iyswim. My bf is very gentle but think I want to master insertion by myself first

larrygrylls Fri 22-Feb-13 10:47:36

Insecure,

Men don't have a need for penetrative sex (and as a man, I should know this). To be honest, they don't "need" sex at all in the sense that they need food and water. However, most men who arre given regular orgasms by their partner are pretty happy with the situation. I think this fear is really coming from you and you need to actually believe that your partner remaining with you is absolutely not dependent on your ability to have penetrative sex.

I would suggest that you have fun reciprocal oral sex and let him stimulate you orally and then simultaneously place one and then two fingers inside you. Then, when you are fully aroused and relaxed, and only if you want to, you can let him lie on the bed and gently lower yourself onto him while remaining in control. That way you get to control the depth of penetration and all the other variables which are worrying you. If you are enjoying the oral and manual stimulation, though, don't feel obliged to go any further. One day you will want to....and you will thoroughly enjoy it and so will your partner.

I totally understand how this has become a phobia but I think you will only deal with it when you let go of the idea that having a happy relationship is dependent on vaginal sex. It really isn't. And a couple of glasses of wine may help smile

Insecure24 Fri 22-Feb-13 11:02:48

Larry - so nice to hear another man's view on this! So my bf really isn't spouting nice words just to shut me up grin. We have the best kisses and cuddles ever and do enjoy oral sex and reciprocal hand/finger jobs though probably not as frequently as we could.

larrygrylls Fri 22-Feb-13 11:08:32

Insecure,

Seriously, if a man finds a woman attractive and kind, then sex of any kind is a bonus smile. He is probably just chuffed that you love him and find him attractive.

A lot of the sexual issues posted on here about differential sex drives etc are more where one partner is either using sex as a weapon or have a ludicrous level of entitlement, which probably extends into other areas of their lives too. Where someone clearly has a physical issue, normally people work around it one way or the other. Otherwise, paraplegics could never form sexual relationships, and they clearly do.

I think that if you just relax and remember that you ARE having great sex already, then this problem will disappear pretty quickly.

Insecure24 Fri 22-Feb-13 11:13:47

I could kiss you! grin

KeepCalm27 Sat 23-Feb-13 00:01:15

I have read this thread with great interest. In the summer my relationship of 5 years broke down - so on top of losing boyfriend/best friend/home/mutual friends and family etc, I lost the only person in the world who could provide (some) comfort as he is the only one who knew about my huge "problem". I have some great friends and I'm very close to my parents but would never in a million years talk about this. Any other problems (including embarrassing bowel problems!) I have talked about with close family and friends pretty openly but the burden of this, and not being able to share it, is very overwhelming.

BertieBotts Sat 23-Feb-13 00:13:08

I totally agree with larry (wow, that feels weird grin) OP you have absolutely nothing to worry about and please take this at your pace. Don't feel like it's something you have to "fix" for him or that he'll be secretly harbouring resentment etc, because he really won't be.

AnyFucker Sat 23-Feb-13 00:16:56

Yep, great posts from Larry on this thread

OP,, your bloke sounds like a good guy that doesn't place undue significance on piv intercourse

All the best x

Insecure24 Sat 23-Feb-13 08:58:13

Oh I know I'm lucky I've got a great man shock. I just want to fix this for me, regain my femininity and work towards ttc dc2 next year. I have my first CBT appointment at 12 today eeek!

Second success with vibrator yesterday grin not actually vibrating though but IN!

KeepCalm27 Sat 23-Feb-13 10:25:33

Good luck, Insecure24, I hope it goes well for you. Please let us know how it goes. Following the break up of my relationship I've moved counties so need to start at square one again by going to GP. In my last county I was assessed by their MH team but they said I wasn't eligible as my previous doctors surgury didn't subscribe to the service I needed. Hopefully I'll have more luck at my new place, although the thought of having to explain everything to another stream of strangers is depressing.

As I said, hope all goes well. smile x

Insecure24 Sat 23-Feb-13 10:53:53

Thanks Keep! I'm in Surrey. If you're nearby and the therapy works out ill keep you posted x

AnyFucker Sat 23-Feb-13 13:07:10

Hey, lady. Having sexual difficulties doesn't make you any less "feminine" and I bet your bloke doesn't think that for one minute x

Insecure24 Sat 23-Feb-13 15:06:45

I've been for my initial consultation and I am SO excited to start the therapy! A combination of CBT and hypnosis with a really lovely lady. £60 a session is an investment ME!

BMW6 Sat 23-Feb-13 15:21:22

Well done! And if it's any consolation you are having waaaaaay more sex than OH and I & we still luv each other too!
Good Luck!

AnyFucker Sat 23-Feb-13 18:02:15

Good luck x

Insecure24 Sun 24-Feb-13 07:16:06

A side issue: due to problems with my cycle after dd was born, I was advised to have the mirena and the pill together. I've had both now for 2.5years and really want to get rid of one.

I'm on my pill break atm and should start a new pack tomorrow. Or should I just not? Or should I keep taking it and have the coil removed? Which is less likely to fuck me up again?! GP is useless

AnyFucker Sun 24-Feb-13 12:48:46

I can only speak personally, but the Pill made me dry and wrecked my libido

Neither of those things are going to help ATM (or in fact, ever). I would stop the pill, if you are getting no side effects from the Mirena

Insecure24 Sun 24-Feb-13 17:08:18

I DID IT!!!!!!!

Bf's mum has taken dd to the farm so we had a lovely pub lunch and afternoon at home to get jiggy grin tmi but we spent a good hour of foreplay before he entered me. He didn't finish coz I started to feel a bit sore but ummm 3mins in me! grin

BertieBotts Sun 24-Feb-13 17:09:11

Woohoo! smile What an amazing feeling - well done you!

BertieBotts Sun 24-Feb-13 17:09:41

PS I promise once you're over the first bit it jut gets easier and easier. Just take it slowly!

AnyFucker Sun 24-Feb-13 17:15:14

smile

KeepCalm27 Sun 24-Feb-13 21:29:53

That is such incredible news! Congrats and well done!

I will try to use it to give hope to my situation and helps it helps others too smile

Insecure24 Mon 25-Feb-13 18:04:49

gringringrin it was no mean earth shattering, purely mechanical I'd say! And he didn't finish but sod it I had a willy in me!

lisamason Fri 01-Mar-13 17:15:59

i am preganant smile smile after months of not being able to do "it" I decided to go get vagiwave and "did it" and now am going to be a mummy yeaaaaaay

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