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Husband leaving because I've put on weight and he can't bear to look at me.

(87 Posts)
UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi Thu 03-Jan-13 08:57:10

Hi all.

I've been going through a v rough patch with dh.
I got PND with my last child, and have put on roughly 3-4 stone in weight. (I'm now a 16/18)

My husband has always had a lower sex drive than me, but in the last year we have done it a handful of times. Dh admitted it was because I'm so fat & really hard to live with. I'm convinced hes having an affair too.

I know I should kick him out. But I really really don't want my marriage to fail. We both work 14hour days, so I don't know what I'll do for childcare. I really can't cope with 3 children on my own.

I just can't stop crying. He has been so cruel.

UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi Thu 03-Jan-13 09:00:52

Ive seen threads here where the woman has said she can't bear her overweight dh, and she was given sympathy so I know I need to lose weight. It just won't come off!

I've cut right back on my medication too, but that's increased my sex drive. sad

He says I must stop pressuring him for sex.
I just feel so lonely.

HecatePropolos Thu 03-Jan-13 09:02:20

Yes. He is being very cruel.

Is his love for you dependent on your physical shape?

What if you become ill and this changes your body?
What if you have an accident and become disabled?

He stops loving you?

What about when you're both old and wrinkly?

Someone who only loves you because you look a certain way doesn't love you.

Now, if you said he was worried about you because you're depressed and you've put on weight and he is worried for your health, and concerned about your mental state, that would be very different.

but your post doesn't suggest that. It suggests that he is an arse.

You say you don't want your marriage to fail, but I think that ship has sailed, if he can treat you like this.

HecatePropolos Thu 03-Jan-13 09:02:58

What medication have you cut back on? And is that under GP supervision?

superstarheartbreaker Thu 03-Jan-13 09:07:49

This isn't unconditional love; op he's a dick.

UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi Thu 03-Jan-13 09:08:33

I was on 200mg sertraline. I've cut down to 25mg on my own. My GP is useless.
Tbh I think I have always had depression but only adressed it after dc3 was born as it got worse.

I don't know if I'm thinking straight, especially wrt his suspicious behaviour.

He was concerned once, I think.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 09:11:18

"Ive seen threads here where the woman has said she can't bear her overweight dh, and she was given sympathy so I know I need to lose weight."

You may need to lose weight and he may not find you as attractive as in the past but that does not give him the right to a) crush your self-esteem by insulting you or b) screw around. If he loved you but wanted you to be slimmer/healthier/happier, he'd be encouraging you ... offering to cook light meals, offering to join you with exercise... not making you feel like crap and rejecting your affection.

He is behaving in a cruel, selfish and offensive manner and the only reason you haven't packed his bags and kicked him out of the door is that he's smashed your confidence. Do you have someone IRL that you can talk about this with? And it's never a good idea to cut back on prescribed medication without the OK from a doctor..... do you think the meds are affecting your weight?

spudmurphy Thu 03-Jan-13 09:11:18

Perhaps your GP can help. If you are feeling down and have cut back on medication you should go back to your gp.

kittybiscuits Thu 03-Jan-13 09:12:53

Really sorry uterus that you are having a horrendous time. I'm really concerned about your reduction in meds when you're feeling so low. Is there another GP at the practice you could try? What has made you suspicious that he might be having an affair?

HecatePropolos Thu 03-Jan-13 09:13:00

You shouldn't mess with your medication. You really shouldn't.

If your GP is useless - find another one. But don't mess about with your medication.

If you are depressed, it makes it so much harder to think clearly. You need to be able to think clearly. If you're depressed, it can make taking care of yourself physically difficult - no will to eat healthily, or exercise, etc.

What you need here is support.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 09:13:09

"I think I have always had depression"

And I think the cause of the depression is the thing looking back at you over the breakfast table in the morning....

mindosa Thu 03-Jan-13 09:16:11

Obviously it is difficult to offer advise based on limited background and I would suggest you both attend counselling as with pnd everything will probably appear quite foggy.
I second others that you dont mess with your medication.

ledkr Spain Thu 03-Jan-13 09:16:31

Well from experience if you do leave him you will lose to a of weight feel great and start dating better looking nice guys. Then the snivelling worm will come back and tell you you are horrible for breaking up the family.
Wel that's what happened here anyway grin

UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi Thu 03-Jan-13 09:23:11

He did agree to counselling, but cancelled the appointment. (He wanted to go on his own first. )
He keeps promising we'll go, but then says we can't afford it.

I think I'm beginning to realise he has made me unhappy, hence the weight gain.

I feel better off the meds tbh. He said I was awfull on them.

I seem to be the one doing all the work at this. I've gone on then cut my meds. I've dropped a shift at work so we can spend time together. (We never see each other currently. )

I think he has just fallen out of love with me. sad
I just wish he'd try!

Meringue33 Thu 03-Jan-13 09:25:20

Ok so anti depressants are notorious for causing weight gain but don't cut down without medical advice, could be dangerous. Tell your GP or psychiatrist that the weight gain is affecting your depression too and you'd like to explore treatment options that can reduce this side effect. Might involve talking therapies as well as or as an alternative to medication. I don't think at this stage "LTB" is helpful. Sounds like you first just need a bit of space and outside perspective to figure out what you want from life in terms of health, lifestyle, work, relationship etc. Fourteen hours a day sounds a lot btw and not particularly conducive to a happy healthy lifestyle. Hugs to you, hope you get it sorted. Don't be afraid to keep nagging the doc until you get the right kind of help for you. X

UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi Thu 03-Jan-13 09:30:16

Wrt him cheating, it's all the usually stuff.

Won't let me NEAR his phone. I reached for it the other night and he pushed me aside and left the house for hours. (No doubt deleting stuff)
Deleting all his Internet history, call log & texts. Everything.
Started "manscaping" although, obviously not for my benefit.
Googling florists. (Again, certainly not for me.)
More work trips.
Taking ages to get home from work. (eg 3hours rather than 45mins)
I got a call from a hotel asking about my reservation. (I made no such thing)
He's distant.

He swears on his children's life he isn't having an affair.

Helltotheno Thu 03-Jan-13 09:37:53

Why are you working 14 hour days? Do you mean both together or each of you?

I think defocus from him and look after yourself in the first instance. If you want to lose weight, you can lose weight but you need to do something about your work/life balance first (if you're both working 14 hr days).
See a GP and talk about your meds. Forget about him and work out what you want for yourself.

UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi Thu 03-Jan-13 09:43:05

He works 5 days a week and I work the other two.
It's the nature of our jobs.

baremadness Thu 03-Jan-13 09:45:08

He is having an affair.

MsSavingPennies Thu 03-Jan-13 09:49:22

Uterus, please go and see a doctor. It's never good to stop meds for depression, you may feel better now, but the good feeling chemicals these meds produce in your brain will gradually wear off and you may find yourself back at square 1. Also maybe you just need a different type.

As for your horrible dh, it may be that he is blam

baremadness Thu 03-Jan-13 09:49:31

That is not all little bits that excuses can be made for it is evidence! He is sapping at your self esteem to keep you where you are and make you grateful. It is working! You are worth more that that. EVERYONE is worth more than that.

DontHaveAtv Thu 03-Jan-13 09:54:37

Have you confronted him about the possibility of having an affair?

HecatePropolos Thu 03-Jan-13 09:54:40

Yeah. He's having an affair. He doesn't even seem to be trying to hide it all that much.

Please go to your doctor, or get another doctor, and get some help. It will be easier to decide what to do if you're not trying to wade through mud, iyswim.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 09:55:31

Do you have someone IRL that you can talk to about this? Give you some love and support?

MsSavingPennies Thu 03-Jan-13 09:55:42

Oops pressed send too quick!

Uterus, please go and see a doctor. It's never good to stop meds for depression, you may feel better now, but the good feeling chemicals these meds produce in your brain will gradually wear off and you may find yourself back at square 1. Also maybe you just need a different type.

As for your horrible dh, it may be that he is using your weight gain as a pathetic excuse for his actions :-(

DontHaveAtv Thu 03-Jan-13 09:56:44

Sorry just seen that he denies it. I would call his bluff and tell him to leave. you can cope on your own with three kids, because unfortunately you may have to.

MardyArsedMidlander Thu 03-Jan-13 09:57:17

When he said you were 'awful' on antiDs- I wonder if he meant you were less compliant? sad. Wouldn't be the first husband to prefer his wife depressed.

ImagineJL Thu 03-Jan-13 09:59:59

He is having an affair, and is using your weight gain to make it your fault, to stop himself feeling guilty. He can tell himself that you are no longer the woman he married, and therefore it's OK to cheat on you.

You need to see a different GP, and get a different antidepressant if you don't like your current one. Some can even help with weight loss.

Northernlebkuchen Thu 03-Jan-13 10:02:00

I agree he's having an affair. You know why he denies it? Because as long as he denies it he can blame you for everything. It seems that you are unfortunately married to a very unpleasant personality. Get rid. You will cry for a bit and then the sun will start to shine. You haven't failed at your marriage, you've been abused within it.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Thu 03-Jan-13 10:03:21

Wow! I am continually surprised at the twatishness of men! Its unbelievable!

He is being extremely cruel, and i hate to say, most likely is having an affair.

My Ex always put me down about my weight (i'm a size 10 fgs!) its only since he has left that I've really felt that i want to do something about it.

I think you should be strong and kick him out. That'll put the shits up his critical arse!

my gut reaction to you saying that he has always had a lower sex drive to you is that perhaps he has never been really 'into' you (sorry if that is hurtful and i may be wrong) and so you've been wrong footed from the start. he's chosen a relationship where he holds all the cards.

does sound like he's having an affair doesn't it?

the weight gain is reversible, his horribleness is not.

UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi Thu 03-Jan-13 10:11:14

I just don't know how I'll cope.
Only family near me is my mother, who is so self absorbed she is no help at all. I phoned her last night to tell her what was going on and she made it all about her.

It hurts so much to see all those hopes and dreams vanish.
I meant my vows!

I have given up everything for him. His job and goals always came first. Now I'm a single mum of three in an entry-level job while he enjoys his success.

Northernlebkuchen Thu 03-Jan-13 10:17:26

Of course you meant your vows. But that doesn't mean that when the other party breaks them you have to put up with it. I've been married for 15 years. We have fights, of course we do. Sometimes my dh really annoys me! Sometimes we feel we haven't provided what the other needed BUT always, always I have known that he is my best friend and I have never made him feel shit about himself and he's never made me feel like that. In fact he's always made me feel desired. I'm not telling you that to be boastful, no marriage is perfect, but respect and affection for each other is the very least you should be able to expect.

UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi Thu 03-Jan-13 10:17:30

I just don't know how I'll cope.
Only family near me is my mother, who is so self absorbed she is no help at all. I phoned her last night to tell her what was going on and she made it all about her.

It hurts so much to see all those hopes and dreams vanish.
I meant my vows!

I have given up everything for him. His job and goals always came first. Now I'm a single mum of three in an entry-level job while he enjoys his success.

Wishfulmakeupping Thu 03-Jan-13 10:18:18

I'm so sorry OP, this is awful. Please listen to the other posters about going to the GP make this your first port of call.
Your partner is treating you like utter shit- do not let him- tell him its done don't play into his hands anymore- he's shown himself to be totally selfish, on top of which he has been overly cruel and nasty.
Put yourself first- you can cope on your own, you will get stronger- imagine how good you'll feel in 6 months from now when he's realized the grass isn't always greener and you can tell him no chance

UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi Thu 03-Jan-13 10:19:54

Don't know what happened there!

He says it's all my fault and I made him like this.

He's called me a cunt loads this morning. He was just shouting "you're fat you're fat you're fat" at me.

All his family & friends think he's lovely.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Thu 03-Jan-13 10:22:47

Listen love, this man is abusive and hates women. He's always been like that. If you have a selfish unhelpful mother, you will have been appealing to a man who likes to bully and control women, because you will have an appeaser's mindset, you will long to please and you will always back down from conflict.

Your depression will improve when you get rid of him. Have a chat to Women's AId and your GP and tell them that your H is abusive because he is. They will advise and support you, and you will be able to live without him sharing your home.

NicholasTeakozy Thu 03-Jan-13 10:26:56

"I think I have always had depression"

And I think the cause of the depression is the thing looking back at you over the breakfast table in the morning...

What Cogito said. He's an arse, he's shagging someone else and blaming you for it. He sounds horrible.

LouMacca Thu 03-Jan-13 10:28:38

So sorry OP he is obviously having an affair and pushing his guilt about it on to you. What a prick.

Cogito posts are spot on.

RudolphiaRedNose Thu 03-Jan-13 10:34:26

OP about the sertraline. I was on 200mg and it made me put on weight because I was so tired and inactive. I cut right down and felt ill again (anxiety problems). I went back up to 100mg and it's a good balance and I'm losing weight now - and I now remember that I lost weight when I first started it and was on 50-100.

Obviously NONE of this means it's OK for him to behave like this and I'm not saying you have to loose weight, just sharing my ad experience. Size 16-18 is not "so fat". He's just putting the blame on you because he's having an affair and wants it to be your fault.

Get rid of him, you will be happier. He can still do his share of the childcare surely/pay for it from his earnings - being separated doesn't remove those responsibilities. Talk to him and arrange for him to move out and stay with someone asap, set up a childcare rota, and ask friends and family to help too if possible (not your mum).

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 10:36:48

"He's called me a cunt loads this morning. He was just shouting "you're fat you're fat you're fat" at me."

If a stranger walked into your home and started behaving like that would you think they were a nice, friendly person? That they loved you? Or would you be calling the police and telling them to get out?

For the sake of your own self-respect, tell him to go and bolt the door behind him....

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 10:39:59

Should add.... you do realise that that type of aggressive verbal abuse is Domestic Violence? You don't have to have black eyes to be abused by a man.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Thu 03-Jan-13 10:40:52

What a wanker. He's a snivelling little GIT, lower than a snakes belly!

How fucking DARE he do this to you? You have (I presume) carried his 3 children - it's rare the woman who doesn't show some evidence of this! Even if you'd put on weight without carrying his children, it's one thing to say 'Love - it's not good for you' or 'Love - let's eat better/exercise together' it is never ever acceptable to taunt you in the way he is.

He's making the relationship break down 'your fault' so he can justify having an affair. He can't. No matter what, he has chosen to deal with any problems by creating more. A decent man will talk to you and deal with the issues - a bastarding git will just have an affair, a complete wanker will have an affair and blame you sad

God they make me so angry angry

Once he is out of your life - your depression is bound to lift. Mother Teressa would have been depressed living with this prick.

You can do it, you will find a way. Get all the help you are entitled to and lean on friends until you get yourself sorted.

RudolphiaRedNose Thu 03-Jan-13 10:41:00

Totally agree with Cogito. Anyone who did that to me, husband or not, would be finding their belongings on the pavement. It's not acceptable and not worth going through for the sake of a marriage - it's also not good for your DC anyway.

Xales Thu 03-Jan-13 10:41:25

You are working 14 hours a day so he can

Use money to send other women flowers.

Use money to book hotel rooms.

You are working 14 hours a day but he doesn't have enough money to go to counselling with you and try and fix your marriage. This would be because he is using money to send flowers and book hotel rooms for other women... 2 bunches of flowers or one hotel room would probably pay for a counselling session.

That is how far down the list you and your relationship is. The weight is an excuse.

He either wants out or is too much of a coward to finish it.

To have his lovely bit on the side while you carry on cooking, cleaning and ironing for him.

Screw what he wants. You need to put yourself (and your children) first.

HollaAtMeSanta Thu 03-Jan-13 10:41:27

Was coming on here to say even if he fancies you less now that you are bigger, he shouldn't love you any less. Having read the rest of the thread, he is clearly a total arse, he is 99% certainly cheating, and you deserve better. You will cope and long term you will be happier.

Think carefully about your next steps; in your position, I would be gathering evidence of his infidelity and general unpleasantness (e.g. have your phone in your pocket and record him screaming at you/insulting you) before you boot him out. Not to mention all the usual stuff about getting bank paperwork together etc - I think there is an excellent post on here somewhere, maybe someone knows the one I mean and can paste it for you?

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Thu 03-Jan-13 10:42:32

Oh and if you can possibly bear to - arrange 50% shared care. Do not say 'but he works' or whatever, that is HIS problem to arrange care. It will make arranging your shifts/childcare much easier and in the long run, give you a better life with the kids.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Thu 03-Jan-13 10:43:40

All his family & friends think he's lovely

That's great. He wont be short of places to stay then will he.

ImperialBlether England Thu 03-Jan-13 10:44:04

Oh god, OP, you have to do something here.

Tell him to get out. Go off sick at work until you can figure out what to do about childcare. Go to a lawyer tomorrow and get the wheels in motion.

You CANNOT live like this. By kicking him out you will take control of your life. How dare he talk to you like that? He is disgusting. Pack a bag and put it outside the door for him.

If you're near me (Merseyside) I'll come and take it to his work for you. It would be my pleasure. I've no doubt I'd see the object of his affections there, too.

ImperialBlether England Thu 03-Jan-13 10:44:55

Chipping, not everyone wants 50% shared care. I know I would have hated it. I don't think her husband is the right person to take care of children, personally.

Oh god, he sounds like a right c**t! Please dont waste anymore on this guy, he sounds like he is deliberately egging you on so you do the dumping to EASE his guilt about being a rubbish husband so he can go to his OW without any guilt there.

New year, new outlook, new you... X

UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi Thu 03-Jan-13 11:00:56

Rudolph, yeah I lost weight at first too.

He just said we will go to counselling I said I'd heard that before. He got cross and said "that's typical of you I knew you'd say tgat. Thae matter is closed".

I told him it bloody well wasn't.

SGB, all my relationships have been abusive. sad. I thought he was different.
Maybe it IS me then. I turned him this way. We used to be amazing.

Xales Thu 03-Jan-13 11:05:59

Go to counselling on your own. Get to the bottom of why you have always picked abusive men.

Sort yourself out.

Conflugenglugen Thu 03-Jan-13 11:12:56

Uterus - You didn't 'turn him this way'. It is likely that you chose him unconsciously because he is abusive. We tend to choose what we know, and keep making the same choices until we get the perspective and the healing and self-esteem and love for ourselves that we need to break those patterns.

Please leave him. And get some good, medium-term counselling. You won't look back.

ImperialBlether England Thu 03-Jan-13 11:28:23

You can't turn a perfectly nice man into an abusive one and you can't turn an abusive one into a nice one!

You will feel fantastic once you get rid of this man. Yes you will have to sort out your finances and HE will have to find somewhere to live, but once that's done, believe me, you'll feel absolutely great.

ImperialBlether England Thu 03-Jan-13 11:29:45

By the way, do you have full access to all financial records?

Have you gone onto the Entitled To and the CSA websites to find out what exactly you'd be entitled to when he goes?

RudolphiaRedNose Thu 03-Jan-13 12:01:15

You din't make him this way, the problem arises if you put up with this behaviour, because then it will carry on. Don't put up with it. He isn't keeping to his marriage vows is he? So why should you?

MardyArsedMidlander Thu 03-Jan-13 12:18:32

'This matter is closed' ????? Wow he really has a fucking high opinion of himself doesn't he?

I can tell you how to get rid of at least 10 stone of ugly fat. let him go and stay with all the people who think he's 'wonderful'.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 12:28:22

You didn't "choose him unconsciously" because he was abusive. It's not your fault he's this way. Abusive men pick on all kinds of women... strong ones & vulnerable ones alike. The problem is his, not yours.

MsSavingPennies Thu 03-Jan-13 12:46:51

I'm sorry OP that you are having to put up with this behaviour, he is trying to grind you down. Stay strong, go to a gp, get some free legal advice. This man is really showing his true sh*tty colours, and you deserve a lot better!

Northernlebkuchen Thu 03-Jan-13 12:55:13

'We used to be amazing'

Of course - because if it was always awful nobody would ever stay would they? Abusive relationships go in cycles and the 'honeymoon' phase is part of that - everything is fine then tensions start to build then there is an incident of verbal, physical or sexual abuse then it's the apology and back to the honeymoon phase and the whole thing goes round again and again. By saying he will go to counselling and the matter is closed he's trying to move you back in to the honeymoon phase - but the same abuse WILL come round again.

Corygal Thu 03-Jan-13 13:00:06

Life doesn't have many cast-iron truths, but this is one of them:

Someone who says they don't love you because you got fat didn't love you thin.

It's a very nasty thing to realise, and almost as nasty to hear. Sorry.

He's having an affair and would have been anyway, regardless of anything about you, to be honest. And he's been nasty with it to justify it. So nasty.

But you want to save the marriage for practical reasons. Fine. But I would look at the practical stuff you want, and how to get that, not saving him - and let him take the responsibility for sorting it out.

You seriously need support - you have an abusive enemy in the home, like it or not.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Thu 03-Jan-13 13:36:38

"He swears on his children's life he isn't having an affair."

Then he's definitely having an affair.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Thu 03-Jan-13 15:11:40

Uterus, it is absolutely not you! The problem is that you have been repeatedly abused, and most likely subconsciously pick abusive men. The best thing to do would be to drop this asshole and get some counselling for YOU to improve your self esteem and self worth.

You will then be able to make better decisions as to the relationships you form.

It is not you that makes them like this, they will say that to anyone who does not bend to their will or live by their standards.

UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi Thu 03-Jan-13 15:24:31

Blether, he said I could see his bank statements as I found out he hasn't paid the rent or bills for a couple of months. He's yet to show me though, as he made his statements paperless.

He has told me he hates me. He would leave tonight but I've got to get up at 05:30 for work tomorrow, so it's mote practical if he sleeps on the sofa.

You guys have been great. I keep re reading your posts to get some strength & clarity. I just feel so cold & weak.

I don't know how my dd will take it. She's 10, and away this week. I know for her I can't keep this up. What kind of a message is this to send her? (putting up with it, I mean.)

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 03-Jan-13 15:25:49

I agree that he is probably the cause of your depression.

What a vile man he is.

The best way for him to regain his respect for you is for you NOT to beg, be clingy or cry in front of him.

Act dignified and tell him to pack his bags and go. Or even better fill bin bags with his crap and leave by the door.

Get legal advice - do a search for Olaga's posts, she gives great advice about benefits, finances etc.

UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi Thu 03-Jan-13 15:33:50

I think I c&p'd Olaga's post a while back. It was very good. smile

I do need to go to the CAB and speak to the landlord.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 15:34:46

"I don't know how my dd will take it"

Her reaction may surprise you. Children can be remarkably observant and what's been going on won't have passed her by. If you present this as a positive change, keep her informed, tell her she's loved and are don't try to mask either the truth or your feelings too much, then that's about as good as it gets.

He's probably been diverting the rent money to the place he plans to go and stay. Makes it even more likely he's got someone else. So sorry.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 15:42:01

"most likely subconsciously pick abusive men"

Can we stop peddling this myth that victims somehow choose to be with abusers... subconsciously or consciously? Abusive men do not walk about with 'I am a nasty bastard' t-shirts on. They are often just as pleasant and charming as non-abusive men.

UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi Thu 03-Jan-13 15:49:34

See, he was never nasty before. There's no way he was a dormant abuser or whatever.

He used to be so respectful of women. Some of the things he's done to me in the last few weeks would have made his stomach churn in the past.

He genuinely hates me. sad

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 03-Jan-13 16:03:30

All the more reason for you to kick him out.

He is in this fantasy lust fuelled affair bubble and nothing will change unless you burst this bubble. He is so addicted to the ego boosting attentions of OW that he feel justified in being so horrible and nasty.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 03-Jan-13 16:04:15

Be prepared though that this nastiness is part of the real him though.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 16:09:45

He doesn't hate you. He wants something else and you're standing between him and the thing he wants. So he's being nasty hoping you'll ask him to leave and then he can say he left because it's what you wanted.

Abusers aren't 'dormant'. Everyone is capable of being abusive and it's just a question of emphasis and intent. The better you know someone, the easier it is to upset them if that's your intention. He knows you're sensitive about your weight so that's what he picks on when he wants to make you unhappy. I'm sure you can think of something that would have a similar effect on him.... some trigger subject.

ledkr Spain Thu 03-Jan-13 16:26:09

I think you have allowed him to convince you that it's your fault and its because you are disgusting.
Let me help you with this. I have been fat and I have been thin. Never been short of friends or loving relationships when either.
I was in a very abusive relationship when I was under 9 stone. I met my amazing dh when I was 12 stone he literally worships me.
I have also put weight on since dd was born and am quite frankly overweight.
I shall lose it eventually but in the meantime I am still the same woman he loved 6 years ago just a bit bigger.
Should he tell me I am disgusting and that he wants to leave I would help him pack!
This is his stuff not yours. Take control of things and get rid. You can't feel any worse than you do now. Taking your life back will in fact make you feel better.

UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi Thu 03-Jan-13 17:51:02

He leaves on Sunday.

I am just so angry. He can afford to take the dc away, I will be in poverty.

His new woman probably thinks he's amazing. If only she knew.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 17:57:31

You will not be in poverty but you need to get hold of a good family solicitor and quickly. You also need to get hold of the details of his bank accounts and earnings pronto so that he can't salt more money away and deprive you or DD of it. You'll have to be prepared to play as dirty as he has been doing but I think you'll find it therapeutic to get back in the metaphorical driving seat of your own life.

Don't worry about the new woman. Your gain is her loss.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 03-Jan-13 18:03:49

I am sorry this is happening to you, but not sorry he is leaving.

It is for the best...for you and your dc

Be prepared for a last minute change of heart though. Not because he remembered he loved you really, but that ow has cold feet and his plans are not panning out as he hoped

MumVsKids Thu 03-Jan-13 19:55:01

One month from now your life will be unrecognisable uterus in a good way that is.

Once you have lost the baggage that is the fuckwit you are currently saddled with, you will definitely likely find that the depression will lift, your self esteem will increase, as will your confidence, and you can have some of your life back.

Does he have to wait until Sunday??? No time like the present and all that.

You will get lots and lots of support from mn, but your strength will increase daily. No one has the right to squash your confidence like he has, he's a bully of the worst kind and you're deserve better.

Bogeyface Netherlands Thu 03-Jan-13 23:32:14

He leaves on Sunday, so get onto the CSA tomorrow, along with tax credits, etc.

You wont be in poverty and he will be made to pay for his children.

So sorry that he is doing this to you, but I promise you will look back a year from now and be happy that you are no longer with him, and amazed that you put up with him for so long.

UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi Sat 05-Jan-13 10:01:20

Thanks all for your advice.

Bogeyface, I was at work yesterday, so didn't get to call anyone. I did do the benfits calculator thingie. It's going to be so so tight, but the dc will qualify for free school meals. <weak smile>

Meanwhile he will have, after maintenance etc, £1500 odd to play with. Thats pretty galling. sad

I don't know if this is for good or not. He days he wants to talk Sunday night, but I have to get ready for school and I've work the next day too.

Ive started bagging up his clothes, but should I take stuff like his pictures of the wall yet, or his granddads medals etc?

Bearandcub Sat 05-Jan-13 10:11:46

I would say yes, bag up his belongings - why would you want them there in your home as reminders of him and his vile behaviour.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 05-Jan-13 10:12:06

Find out about maintenance and child support.

I would put all his stuff in bags.

Tell him SUnday night is not convenient. Suggest a date and time that SUITS you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Jan-13 10:26:50

Absolutely tell him Sunday night isn't convenient. In fact, even if it was convenient, you'd still say it's not convenient. This is about you setting the agenda from now on, shifting the power balance in the relationship in order to start rebuilding your confidence.

Also... if post-maintenance he would be left with a disproportionately high amount of money, then that probably means the amount is too low. The CSA calculator is just a guide.. a bare minimum... but you can agree a higher sum between you. A decent man should not want his children to live in poverty

giraffesCantGoFirstFooting Sat 05-Jan-13 10:29:13

you deserve more

Oh Love, this is the best diet you will ever have, you are about to lose several stone of usless fat!

You are NOT NOT NOT NOT the problem he is! Infact the only problem you may have is some bad luck or possibly defulty shit man detector.

You are NOT fat, I bet you would look lovely at a size 28 never mind an 18.

Sertrolin is terrible for weight gain, and I bet your depression will start to ease once you circumstances change.

Ok, so now you need to be proactive,

Make an Appointment and go to the CAB
Find the numbers for solictors in your area that deal with divorce
Get claim packs for every benefit you can and fill them in (CAB will help there)
Make an appointment with the GP.
See if you can get some counciling (relate may be able to help) for Free FOR YOU! Not to try and help you and DP but to help you have some support and a safe area to decompress.
Bag up his clothes but I would not worry about the stuff on the walls

You will be ok,

UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi Sat 05-Jan-13 12:41:30

Should the children see him leave, or should he put them to bed?
He'll be back at 06:00 to watch them while I work.

Im sweating the small stuff, aren't I? grin

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Jan-13 13:05:39

I would explain to the children, together, that Dad is going away but will see them again on x day, call on the telephone or whatever. BTW... find other childcare long-term. It may be convenient for you both but having exes hanging around like a bad smell as childminders - especially abusive, unfaithful ones that have spent years insulting your appearance and smashing your confidence - is not good for your mental health and won't help you move on with your life.

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