Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I assaulted my husband and called the police on him.

(81 Posts)
Disaronno Wed 02-Jan-13 21:25:13

It happened on Sunday. Dh didn't get home the time he said he would (I called him at 3pm, he said hw would be home in a couple of hours time and cook dinner) so when I called him back at nearly 6 he was at the pub and was clearly "merry" so I didn't even asked anymore questions about what time he would be back as I knew it was pointless, so I gave ddi dinner and managed to put her to bed earlier because I didn't want her to see him drunk. We were both really upset that he lied again, he told her on the phone at 3 pm that he was coming for dinneradinner she had been looking out on the window to see him. Anyway, once she was asleep I couldn't sleep myself and became very anxious, so started to drink (I normally don't drink, but I really wanted to relax and calm down as I was so angry and disappointed I believed him and again he let us down). Anyway, he came drunk at 8pm, I was sitting in the dark, he kept asking what I was doing, I ignored him, he went into the bedroom, I heard noises, went to check and he was on the floor struggling to get up, I than helped him up and told himto go lie down on the sofa as I didn't want to sleep with him...helped him out of the bedroom but him insisted coming in, so I shove him really hard, he knocked his head on the wall and fell on the floor. Ì than noticed he didn't have his wallet and iPhone in his pockets, and screamed in anger where they were,aand asking if he lost it, got mugged or robed (it happened before) but as he lie there not talking, I keep getting angrier and angrier and have to really control myself not to assault him again. He than somehow manages to get up and speek and starts causing me of stealing his wallet and phone. By this time, dd (5) is awake so I stop the argument but him carries on swearing and accusing me of stealing. I than call the police (2nd time, last time was October last year, similar reasons but at that time I was really calm and collected and he was verbally abusive) . The police comes and I tell them everything omitting my aggression, he is not able to tell the police his side of the story, but he is clearly intoxicated and I'm sober, so police take my side,. Meanwhile Dh finds his wallet in the bedroom and police call his phone which is in the pub (I tried to look for his wallet and call his phone when he was accusing me but couldn't find it/no one answered) . Anyway this made Dh look even worse so police take his keys and give him a lift the pub (there's a travel lodge close by) . After half an hour Dh called me desparate asking to come back and I let him, he is in floods of tears like I never seen before even though he is quite emotional. I tell him to have a shower and go to sleep. Following day we talk on the phone and agree to carry on normally until we are ready to talk and again he promises to get help, but...he is still drinking one or two beers at home after work, still smoking his sucking weed and after tomorrow is his staff party at work, I'm already anxious and worried this drama will happen again.

Disaronno Wed 02-Jan-13 21:26:51

Sorry the OP is a mess, my tablet isn't good.

D0oinMeCleanin Wed 02-Jan-13 21:28:21


You both need to stop drinking.

kinkyfuckery Wed 02-Jan-13 21:30:34

You assaulted your DH, and called the police, and because he was drunk, you've allowed him to take the blame for it all?

You're both disgusting. Your poor fucking daughter.

BluelightsAndSirens Wed 02-Jan-13 21:31:50


It sounds like you are both at the end of a horrible relationship to me.

Your behaviour is completly unacceptable, if you posted a s a man you would be ripped to shreds, you have no reason to push him so violently.

Do you have any where you can go or ask him to leave?

Your poor DC sad

Disaronno Wed 02-Jan-13 21:34:29

I just want to know if there is hope he will ever change? Ì will book an appointment for myself for the GP because I need to know what is gong on with me, I'm scared of what I did and I don't want ever feel like that again...but I'm also scared of GP overreacting, calling SS....

SirBoobAlot Wed 02-Jan-13 21:34:38

Your poor daughter. Feel disgusted reading this. She is five, and has two drunk parents, one of whom is beating the crap out of the other and lying about it to the police.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Shakey1500 Greece Wed 02-Jan-13 21:35:48

Awful, just awful.

What a terrible environment for your daughter.

I suggest seeking immediate help for both of you.

spanky2 England Wed 02-Jan-13 21:40:07

I hope this isn't true. You need to sort yourself out. yes your land dh behaved irresponsible but that is no excuse for violence. You should both be ashamed of yourselves . Your dh poor David dd. Violence is abhorrent. Sort yourself out.

DeafLeopard Wed 02-Jan-13 21:42:29

What an awful thread.

OP you both need to sort yourselves out for the sake of your DC. They deserve better than to grow up in a violent abusive environment.

OhEmGee25 Wed 02-Jan-13 21:42:58

This can't be real?

Disaronno Wed 02-Jan-13 21:45:08

I know it is disgusting, I'm not trying to make myself look better but I wasn't drunk and I hardly drink, however I suspect the little quantity of alcohol I consumed helped me loose control. It is not an excuse. I would like to ad that a part from the drinking/smoking, he is a good hard working man and I'm starting to realise that I may have a few problems going on regarding my anger even though I was never aggressive towards anyone before, I do few nowadays anger burning inside me for the smallest reasons.

ihearsounds Wed 02-Jan-13 21:45:42

You need help. You assault him, call the police on him, blame him and are proud of yourself?

You start to drink because you are anxious and unable to sleep, and all of this before 8pm?

Fucking hell I hope this is all a wind up.

WeeWeeWeeAllTheWayHome Wed 02-Jan-13 21:45:56

Bloody hell. Assaulting someone and then lying about it to the police is awful. Violence is never the answer, unless for self defence.

Also, I wouldn't be thinking about how you can get him to change, I would be looking at your own behaviour and how you can start to address it because it is not acceptable for your daughter (and DH) to be subjected to it.

BluelightsAndSirens Wed 02-Jan-13 21:45:56

I really hope it isn't but I fear that it is.

Who gets drunk whilst waiting for a pissed parent to arrive home late, who was parenting?

And then violence and lies and ick yuk


BluelightsAndSirens Wed 02-Jan-13 21:46:54

You need to see your GP and have some time apart from your partner gf or your child's sake.

If you don't trust him, leave him. If he drinks too much, leave him. If he lies to you, leave him. But don't expose your poor innocent daughter to both of you drunk, arguing and you being violent to him. What an awful, toxic and damaging environment for her. Get help.

And no, he won't change. People don't.

dippyDoohdah Wed 02-Jan-13 21:49:07

when has your anger started showing up? gp will probably just suggest a few counselling sessions..they are only general practitioners and can't be all things to all people..maybe toy need to speak to a domestic violence project to get more insight and help..or just separate if its that destructive..

FreudianLisp Wed 02-Jan-13 21:49:25

OP, you really, really, really need to address this anger and aggression as a matter of priority. Yes he was being irritating and unreliable, but you were violent. Not good.

And you're very lucky that your partner isn't pressing charges against you... this time.

twinklesparkles Wed 02-Jan-13 21:49:53

Hang on? You pushed him.. He fell and banged head.. Was then unconcious so you carried on attacking him.. Then you rang the police on him??

Erm....... Right.

Let's hope police ask for ss to come out since she was in the house at time you rang them about your domestic

Poor bloody kid sad is this a joke thread?

AmberLeaf Wed 02-Jan-13 21:50:27

If this is real.

You need to sort out your own drink issues.

Your poor child.

Tortington Wed 02-Jan-13 21:53:26

hes a pothead and a drunk, and your not acting in a grown up way

you know this.

you can't change him. change you - someone has to parent here.

EverybodysSnowyEyed Wed 02-Jan-13 21:53:34

So you pushed him and knocked him out, then searched his pockets?

Disaronno Wed 02-Jan-13 21:54:41

The violence, it happened for the first time. I mean, me shoving him. It's a normal household and dd is happy, loved and well looked after. Yes I know I shouldn't have touched alcohol if I was upset and anxious, I was just so disappointed that dh lied again specially after such a good Christmas, I just needed to calm down and made a terrible mistake drinking too. I'm not trying to make excuses for my behavior though, and I'm posting here because I don't want to tell anyone in RL

TrampyPants Wed 02-Jan-13 21:54:49

You want to know if there's hope he'll ever change? Fucking hell.


GiveMeSomeSpace Wed 02-Jan-13 21:55:04

Disaronno I saw your thread on the Mental Health page - I think you need to get some help before you ruin some lives

Goldchilled7up Wed 02-Jan-13 21:59:31

You knew that he was drunk, and you still decided to drink as well. Who was supposed to be looking after your daughter? sad

Disaronno Wed 02-Jan-13 22:04:58

I don't know if he was unconscious and I didn't search his pockets, he tilted himself and I noticed his back pockets were empty. I know, it is disgusting and disgraceful, I want to seek help but I don't want to loose my daughter because this happened for the first time and believe me or not we are a normal family. I'm not a drunk, I drink very occasionally, don't ever get drunk, I hate drunkenness. I called the police (both times) mostly to humiliate him and to attempt to make him seek help or change but now I see that he isn't changing and this is affecting me far too much.

MonetsGardens Wed 02-Jan-13 22:06:48

'It's a normal household and dd is happy, loved and well looked after'

No Op - it's NOT normal. It really isn't. You need to separate. YOU need to work on your anger issues - there are many, many sources of support for anger management out there. Stop waiting for your husband to change - that is up to him. YOU need to work on yourself because next time, your little girl may be standing watching you.

Sarahplane Wed 02-Jan-13 22:07:05

you sound violent and controlling and if this was the other way around everyone would say leave the bsstard. ylur poor daughter.

EverybodysSnowyEyed Wed 02-Jan-13 22:08:12

You shouldn't get the police involved. They are not there to referee your arguments and you are effectively wasting their time.

Please get yourself help. As for your dh, worry about that relationship once you are in the right place.

FabulousFreaks Wed 02-Jan-13 22:08:14

I think the best thing is to go to couple counselling together. There you can talk through your issues in a safe setting and see how you proceed. And maybe you can get some anger management counselling which will help too.

Disaronno Wed 02-Jan-13 22:08:15

No, I wish it wasn't real, but unfortunately happened. I know I deserve all the name calling and I'm not looking for sympathy, just help.

If you're in the UK, you can expect a visit from SS soon. I believe it's standard when the police are called out to a DV incident when there's a child in the house. You should talk to them about what support's available, because your (plural) behaviour will be damaging your child.

Disaronno Wed 02-Jan-13 22:13:33

Should I tell the GP and SS everything.?

akaemmafrost Wed 02-Jan-13 22:16:01

Does he drink often OP? What I mean is how much is his drinking impacting on your family life aside from this incident you have posted about?

I ask because my ex was a heavy drinker and I was driven to utter desperation by it. Had a breakdown in the end.

Just trying to get a bigger picture.

happynewmind Wed 02-Jan-13 22:16:45

Oh god it sounds like my exh new family.

He won't change.
Smoking weed and getting un obviously drunk and then carrying on drinking every night is not normal family life.

Or at least it blooming shouldn't be.

FreudianLisp Wed 02-Jan-13 22:16:47

OP, do you really need to ask that?

What on earth will be achieved if you don't tell them everything?

Disaronno Wed 02-Jan-13 22:16:52

Will we loose our daughter.?

happynewmind Wed 02-Jan-13 22:20:09

Unconcious drunk not Un obviously.

happynewmind Wed 02-Jan-13 22:25:09

A one off no you won't but if its a regular occurance things need to change.

The problem with weed is it makes you paranoid and unreasonable.

I have personal experience of two families like this, one of who smoked weed through the window and was adament it wasn't affecting their 3 year old and newborn and would have fights like this.

squeakytoy Wed 02-Jan-13 22:25:46

I would say there is every chance you could lose your daughter if you dont get help. (and rightly so too).

Disaronno Wed 02-Jan-13 22:27:29

He used to get drunk more often know the past. He goes to the pub maybe 3, 4 times a month nowadays and he isn't always drunk when he comes back. However he does drink at home after work most nights (2 beers maximum), and when he is off work he won't go to the pub, he will drink at home but never get drunk at home. I hate the weed and he wasn't in the smoking habit before marriage/pregnancy...he has been smoking for about a year outside in the balcony, I asked him to stop many times, but he didn't. I don't have a problem with him drinking at home or going to the pub. I have a problem with drunkenness, drug abuse and lies. He said he would be back to cook dinner at 5 and came drunk at 8, couldn't even stand up. Things were getting so much better and he destroys everything in few hours..I went mental.

TrampyPants Wed 02-Jan-13 22:29:29

but you are still blaming him. you are trying to excuse your violence because he destroyed everything, he pushed you to it.

akaemmafrost Wed 02-Jan-13 22:29:41

Have you hit him before?

Disaronno Wed 02-Jan-13 22:30:24

Sorry about my posts, my tablet is playing up and if sometimes my English doesn't make sense it is because I'm not a native speaker.

CarlingBlackMabel Wed 02-Jan-13 22:32:15

Disaronno, no you won't lose your dd after one drunken outburst. You won't lose your daughter, or even be risking it by asking for HELP. You won't lose your dd for making an effort to make sure this kind of thing comes to an end.

You really must seek help. Your DH also needs help if he is often drunk like this, but you can't force him to get help. What you can do it look after yourself.

You may be depressed, you may have mental health issues. Both can be dealt with. You can get help through effective medication and / or counselling and / or the support of the right professionals. Start with your GP, or your HV if you have a good relationship with her.

And then if your DH isn't playing his part, you need to leave him. As Custardo says, your dd needs one of you to be the grown up, and in reposnsible control.

Good luck - admitting there is a problem can be the first step in putting it right, if you take it!

ihearsounds Wed 02-Jan-13 22:36:34

Violence, regardless of the reasons, is never, ever good. There are simply no reasons.

If this was the other way round, the advise would be take the child and leave/kick the violent person out.

If you do not get help for your anger you will loose your child.

Think about that.

Think about the people that possibly needed help the times you needlessly called the police. They are there for emergencies and you wasted their time. If anyone needs humiliating it isn't your husband.

You seem intent on laying all the blame on him. You have also done more than you are admitting to. The only way you can ever get help is to admit what you have done, not just the little bits.

Disaronno Wed 02-Jan-13 22:38:15

I'm not blaming him, I'm trying to say that I lost control and the circumstances of when and why I lost it. And we do have our rows but we never have been violent towards each other or our daughter. He never ever assaulted me. And this was the first time I assaulted him. I don't even know if he remembers or what's going through his mind. We are waiting for the right time to talk. He cooked for us yesterday and we watched a film with dd, but he is very quiet. I hope we can talk before his party on Friday.

JollyGolightly Wed 02-Jan-13 22:43:26

You do need help. Take the advice given above and seek professional advice. This situation will only deteriorate if you do nothing, it is not normal for responsible parents to behave like this, and there is no doubt that your daughter is suffering significant damage that she is likely to take forward and replicate in her future relationships. You owe it to her to change, and you've made an initial step by asking for advice here, but you must follow it up with real life action. It's absolutely essential that you take responsiblity for yourself before looking to your partner to change; he may not be able to, I hope you can.

DrRanj Wed 02-Jan-13 22:56:19

If your husband is behaving badly, wait til he is sober and give him an ultimatum. If he doesn't change then leave him. But do not physically assault him in front of your dd. nothing justifies that.

VicarInaTutu Wed 02-Jan-13 23:11:56

OP, it sounds like you lost control, more through frustration.

you need a way to manage your behaviour - you cant control his, you can only control yours.

You need to talk to him - tell him how much the smoking and drinking is affecting you and your DD.

but, be prepared for him to do nothing to change - you cant control that and then you have some hard decisions to make about whether you can live with his drugs and drink....but losing control yourself wont help.

how drunk was he?

i can understand that if he does this a lot, getting drunk to the point where he loses his wallet and phone it must be very hard to live with, but you wont change him by screaming, assaulting him or calling the police.

You have some tough decisions ahead but sounds like you could do with some support before making them. Do speak to your gp, or even call womens aid

link here

DrRanj Wed 02-Jan-13 23:18:49

I got really pissed the other night, but my dp didn't hit me, he just laughed at me. Dorsn't happen often so why would he get angry?

Either it happens a lot, in which case he is not a good husband and you should get rid for your dd's sake.

Or it happens rarely, in which case your reaction was way ott.

In any case, no one deserves to have someone else try to control their behaviour with the threat of violence.

Ra88 Thu 03-Jan-13 13:05:22

Your a crazy drunk ! Regardless of your husband not coming home in time for his curfew .. You assaulted him , what if he hit his head even harder ?? You wouldn't be able to post on MN from a prison cell! Or would you blame him and say it was self defence ?? You don't drink yet your name on MN is disarono!?

Like everyone else said , poor child!

So what did your husband say to the police?

Did he tell them you had assulted him or did he go along with the story that he was too drunk and fell over?

QueenofNightmares Thu 03-Jan-13 13:21:22

Violence is never the answer. Just because someone drinks or smokes weed it doesn't give you an excuse to hit him. Think about how you would feel if he did it to you. Honestly he'd be better off alone away from you same as anyone else suffering domestic violence just because you're a woman doesn't mean what you did is ever okay and you should be begging his forgiveness or praying he doesn't remember and decide to take his DD away from his violent partner which is the advice that would be given to a woman in his situation.

MardyArsedMidlander Thu 03-Jan-13 13:45:01

'OP, it sounds like you lost control, more through frustration'

Huh??? Would anyone even DREAM of saying this to a husband who had assaulted his wife?

What is worrying is that there were two out of control adults in the house- who was thinking about the child? And you LIED to the police- it's a criminal offence angry. What good will this do your daughter if you're arrested for perjury and your husband carries on drinking?

Disaronno Thu 03-Jan-13 13:48:13

When exactly did I blame him or excused my behaviour? When did I say I was right and he deserved what I did? It wasn't the first time he came home drunk after saying to me and my daughter he would be back soon and sober, yet I'm not saying I should have done what I did. I lost control and I'm scared of myself. My MN name wasn't disaronno, I changed it for this thread.We had a deep conversation yesterday and although he doesn't see nothing wrong with weed smoking and alcohol drinking, he accepts it isn't right for him to tell us he is coming home, make us wait and show up hours later, so drunk that he can barely stand up, and looses his belongings (he lost many phones over the years, all full of family photos and this is his 3rd phone). Anyway I made it clear that I'm will not tolerate drugs in the house, lies, and I don't want to see him that drunk again. I took full responsibility for my issues and I'm going to see the GP and seek help. However he doesn't remember a thing up to the point the police officer talking to him so I didn't disclosure the assault.

Disaronno Thu 03-Jan-13 13:52:04

And yes, I could claim self defense because I told him to leave me alone and go to sleep in the couch and he was forcing the bedroom door open to get in so I pushed him. I pushed hard as I was angry but if he wasn't so fucking drunk, he wouldn't even move. He is stronger than me.

MardyArsedMidlander Thu 03-Jan-13 13:52:35

'I took full responsibility for my issues'

'However he doesn't remember a thing up to the point the police officer talking to him so I didn't disclosure the assault.'

Well- NO. You lied to the police and you have lied to your husband.

Disaronno Thu 03-Jan-13 13:53:40

So, now I'm not even going to tell anyone in RL in case I'm arrested for perjury.

Disaronno Thu 03-Jan-13 13:54:53

Yes, I'm a liar and a nasty angry bitch.

RudeolfsHappyFlapper Thu 03-Jan-13 13:54:59

OP, you say your home is a normal happy loving home? Yet I've just read your other thread...
When did you say you name changed?

RudeolfsHappyFlapper Thu 03-Jan-13 13:56:31
CarlingBlackMabel Thu 03-Jan-13 13:58:02

I can understand you pushing him if you didn't want him to sleep in the bedroom with you and he was trying to force his way in.

But you should discuss this with him too, and tell him what you did, and why you are, as you say, scared of yourself and the fact that you lost control. You BOTH need to address this, individually, as a couple, and as a family if you are to sort this out to ensure a safe secure family for your dd.

What happens next is the important thing, sorting out principles with your DH, and getting some help. Focus on that.

Good luck.

EverybodysSnowyEyed Thu 03-Jan-13 13:58:57

You may not think you are blaming him but reading your posts that is all I can hear

I think you need to step back and clear your head. When he is later than he says do you let your dd see your anger?

My dh often says he will be home for bedtime but work keeps him later, I don't get angry or upset, we just carry on as normal with an 'oh well, we will see him for breakfast'

It's good you've had the conversation about drink and drugs. I wouldn't tolerate drugs in the house either do I can understand your anger about that. However, your house seeks like an incredibly stressful place - do you think drinking is his way of trying to escape from that? Perhaps you both need counselling

Disaronno Thu 03-Jan-13 13:59:17

I name changed on the day I was drinking to open a thread while he was at the pub. I opened the other thread after that day because I wasn't ready to open this one yet.

I've just read your other thread. Tbh I think that is a bigger issue.
You said that your dd lives in a loving home, but that contradicts what the other thread says.
And also the part about over reacting and punishing people.

Disaronno Thu 03-Jan-13 14:12:26

Don't put the blame on me or the stress in the house for him to go out and get so drunk. I have been trying my best in this relationship since the beginning. His drunkenness killed our intimacy, my trust on him. He is a good man and alcohol us his demon, I don't think he fully realises he needs help. I think he is a functioning alcoholic and I made it clear I had an alcoholic father and don't want an alcoholic husband. I won't live my whole life being haunted by alcohol. He doesn't seem to want to stop drinking or seek help. He thinks he can learn how to control himself. Me, I have bigger problems, I don't need alcohol to be a bad person, I don't even drink and nowadays I'm miserable. So I'm getting help, if he isn't, divorce is the only way.

EverybodysSnowyEyed Thu 03-Jan-13 14:17:12

I'm not blaming you. He is responsible fir his drinking and drugs. But your house sounds stressful and that seems to be down to both of you.

You have drawn your line in the sand about his drinking so follow through.

Your relationship sounds unhealthy for both of you. Couples counselling might help you ensure a break up isn't acrimonious.

But thats the point isnt it?

you admit you have problems, reading your other thread you seem really honest about the issues you have.

They must impact on the whole family, the same way your dh drinking impacts the family.

Disaronno Thu 03-Jan-13 14:17:55

The anger is bottled up inside me, and I punish people in a passive aggressive way, I don't hit them. I have good times with my daughter too, nowadays it is harder for me to enjoy it but I still make the effort. But comparing myself to other mothers who are so affectionate, I feel like shit sometimes..but she is loved and happy despite the troubles..I know she could've been even happier. And this is my aim now.

so work on you

You want to have a better relationship with your dd, you acknowledge it could improve, work on yourself.

Disaronno Thu 03-Jan-13 14:20:36

I know it impacts my family but it doesn't me my daughter unhappy or at risk.

Disaronno Thu 03-Jan-13 14:23:15

And for the first time I can see my troubles so clearly, before Christmas, I didn't think there was nothing wrong with me and all my problems was everybody else's fault.

She is at risk in that she is living in an unhealthy enviroment which has now escalated into 2 drunk parents, violence and the police coming in the middle of the night, arresting her father, even though you were violent to him.

That is impacting on her well being whether you accept that or not. It is very unhealthy

tzella Thu 03-Jan-13 14:24:38

I read your other thread in Mental Health. Have you seen your GP to arrange a referral for some counselling?

Disaronno Thu 03-Jan-13 15:37:39

This isn't happening every day. I wasn't drunk. The police didn't arrest anyone. I know it is impacting hefty well being and I know it is unhealthy. I'm not in denial. I'm taking measures to change. I'm going to my appointment with the GP when school is back next week so she won't need to go in with me and listen to what I need to tell the doctor. I had a conversation with my husband and again set the boundaries. What else am I doing wrong?

NaturalBaby Thu 03-Jan-13 15:42:32

Do you have any family or friends who can help you look after your Dd while you sort out your issues.

Disaronno Thu 03-Jan-13 15:49:10

I have a sister who works full time and leave far away, his parents work full time and leave far away and the few friends I haven't push away, also have their children and busy lives and tbh I wouldn't let them know what is going on and that is why I have to post here.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now