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How to dump someone after first time sex (with them)?

(41 Posts)
abitputoff Wed 02-Jan-13 18:24:28

I had a handful of dates with a man I met shortly before Christmas. Things were going really well and I was quite into him, until we had sex. Two things were problems;

Firstly, he had some quite odd "habits" in the bedroom - for example when he went down on me he kind of blew raspberries making farting noises with his lips that really wasn't erotic at all (this probably didn't need to be pointed out!). There was more but I think this serves as an illustration!

Secondly though when he went to (ahem) "put it in", he didn't have a condom on, which took me by surprise and freaked me out a bit. We had had very little in the way of foreplay at that point (he was quite small so I get he might want less foreplay) so I wasn't really expecting sex to start at that point. I had to call a halt to proceedings to ask if he had a condom. He said he didn't, did I have one, and I said no (stupid me - I usually have one but had been in a rush to get out the door and forgot - thought he'd have one though as he had suggested me staying the night and he knew sex would be on the cards). He then tried again without it and again I had to say "no", and again he stopped. He then went to "double check" his wallet and low and behold, found a condom. We had sex and he was actually technically quite good - it wasn't awful sex but I was a bit unsure about what had happened before. It is unusual for me - I am 31, have slept with about 20 men over the years and haven't met any who have ever suggested not using a condom (until well into a relationship). And you'd expect to discuss it. Surely this is pretty high risk behaviour - I'm not on the pill or anything and he doesn't know anything about me.

He is in touch about organising another date but I'm thinking I don't really want one. I don't know what to say to him though and what tone to take. Should I bring up the condom thing? Should I just say this concerned me? Or should I just say something vague like I might be getting back with an ex?

I don't want him to think it is because he is "small" - if someone "dumped" me after first time sex when things were looking good before hand it would ramp up any insecurities I had (it's not necessarily an insecurity for him but I'm aware it might be - I hate making people feel bad).

Aside from the sex thin he has been rather lovely to me. Help please!

ClippedPhoenix Wed 02-Jan-13 18:27:35

How did you meet him, if it wasn't through friends etc. I'd just send a text to say sorry but you don't want to see him again.

StuffezLaBouche Wed 02-Jan-13 18:28:03

You're perfectly entitled to not see him again, for whatever reason. IMO it says a lot about him and his views towards his partners if he goes sticking it in willy nilly without a condom!

I wouldn't bring up anything, just say you've enjoyed meeting him but don't think you're right together.

potatopotato Wed 02-Jan-13 18:28:20

Why would a man with a small penis want less foreplay? hmm

sarahseashell Wed 02-Jan-13 18:28:34

I'd just say I've given it some thought and decided I don't want to pursue this relationship further, it was lovely to meet you etc. If he then asks why mention the condom issue (although I suspect he won't)

MushyPeace Wed 02-Jan-13 18:29:06

If you're thinking about dumping him then you're probably not that into it. Send him a polite "thanks but no thanks" text/email.

Think you're both equally to blame for the condom thing. Neither of you discussed it.

FundusCrispyPancake Wed 02-Jan-13 18:29:32

Maybe he is not very experienced. Did you try telling him what you wanted?

StuffezLaBouche Wed 02-Jan-13 18:29:34

Oh and the fact he tried again once you'd said no makes me want to flick him extremely hard on the ballbag.

dequoisagitil Wed 02-Jan-13 18:29:50

You should probably get yourself checked out for STIs.

I would dump him without a second thought. You should really both talked about condoms before you got down to business, but him just sticking it in is all wrong.

FundusCrispyPancake Wed 02-Jan-13 18:30:33

I'm a bit confused about that too potato

dequoisagitil Wed 02-Jan-13 18:30:55

Plus the second attempt at going without - nope, he's a dumper for sure.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 02-Jan-13 18:31:07

You can dump someone at this stage by simply saying "I don't want to take this any further"

However, I would have to tell him about the condom thing, although you making assumptions was a serious error of judgement too, tbh

Onezerozero Wed 02-Jan-13 18:31:26

I think it is totally fair to say that the lack of condom thing made you uncomfortable and you don't think you can get past it.
(Other weird habits could have been ironed out, I suppose, if everything else had been perfect.)

StuffezLaBouche Wed 02-Jan-13 18:31:32

Think you're both equally to blame for the condom thing
Why is the OP "to blame?" She made a mistake in not having one, so responsibly stopped it instead of thinking she would chance it. He's the one who kept trying his luck like a teenage boy.

potatopotato Wed 02-Jan-13 18:32:22

Glad it's not just me Fundus , I thought I was missing something obvious there confused

AuntieMaggie Wed 02-Jan-13 18:34:33

Me three potato

And I agree it was up to both
of you to discuss the condom issue...

Oh and when done right the raspberry blowing down there feels nice blush

Bells would ring with me if you said no and tried it again i would just txed and say you felt you didnt click. I used that a few times when internet dating when i was single if he texts back ignore i used it often when on first date ie drink etc i have it done to me too

msrisotto Wed 02-Jan-13 18:38:50

Agree wuth stuffez, OP didn't want to have sex without a condom but he did. He is the irresponsible one here.

msrisotto Wed 02-Jan-13 18:39:28

I think he should know as well. Not top be mean but so he can learn for next time.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 02-Jan-13 18:42:08

Op made a mistake in not finding out the condom situation before getting down and dirty. She has stated on this thread that sex was clearly on the agenda.

However, what she is NOT responsible for is his pushing of the issue....which is actually a rather large red flag

Wishfulmakeupping Wed 02-Jan-13 18:42:48

Agree with poster- you should go to get checked out at the clinic OP

Mu1berryBush Wed 02-Jan-13 18:43:15

me four potato

I don't think you owe him a reason. Just say that you don't want to continue meeting up.

izzyizin Wed 02-Jan-13 18:43:46

As it would be a tad callous to cite his deficiencies in the bedroom department, spare his feelings by using emigrating to Australia reconciling with an ex as your get out of jail any more dates card.

FWIW, the farting noises would have been more than sufficient to give him the red card and send him packing off immediately.

ledkr Wed 02-Jan-13 18:43:46

It's not you it's me?

IceNoSlice Wed 02-Jan-13 18:44:14

Stuffez fnar @ 'sticking it in willy nilly'

akaemmafrost Wed 02-Jan-13 18:44:42

I would tell him straight up why. He'll never learn if someone doesn't tell him.

I was dumped by text earlier this year. I texted back "no problem but finishing by text was a bit spineless don't you think?" Apparently he was ranting to anyone who would listen that I'd been "awful" to him for saying that shock. A mutual friend said "well he'll never learn what's acceptable if he's not told". I agree with this. Do the next woman he encounters a favour.

StuffezLaBouche Wed 02-Jan-13 18:45:12

Yes I suppose it would have been better to ascertain that before getting started. I guess I meant it's not always crucial to have the "will you be bringing condoms" conversation beforehand if you always keep them yourself and just assume you'll be using one.

Mu1berryBush Wed 02-Jan-13 18:45:24

I think it is culturally expected that a condom is the man's job. I may be shouted at here. But when I was seeing a man recently I never bought them. I kknew he would, and he did. All very well to say that she should share 50% of the blame but tbh by the time you get to 'down and dirty' he should HAVE a condom. Women carry the can for everything else, ykwim? Can we not delegate condoms to men?

abitputoff Wed 02-Jan-13 18:46:45

To answer some questions, a woman is usually a bit tighter pre-foreplay, as you get more relaxed you get less so, so for smaller men they sometimes prefer less (for the woman anyway!) so they get more sensation. To be fair it's the same for all men but the bigger a guy the less of an issue I suppose it is.

I've never actually had to discuss condoms before. I always just thought that it was totally obvious to use one when sleeping with someone new whose sexual history you know nothing about. This is the first man I've been with who didn't want to use one.

Mu1berryBush Wed 02-Jan-13 18:46:57

akaemmafrost, there is that yeah, if I could be bothered, in the OP's shoes I'd be pissed off that he'd twice tried to have unprotected sex - despite having a condom in his wallet!!! That's kind of lazy and disrespectful to the op

StuffezLaBouche Wed 02-Jan-13 18:48:01

InceNoSlice, I allowed myself a fnar to that as well, imagining him sticking it into post boxes, toilet roll tubes, knot holes, etc.. <immature>

GiveMeSomeSpace Wed 02-Jan-13 18:51:16

Not sure if a man's view helps here OP but I agree totally with Onezerozero - tell him the lack of condom thing (and persistence) made you uncomfortable.

To make an massive understatement, it's really not good form

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 02-Jan-13 18:54:12

Tbh,, I would never "delegate" my sexual health to a bloke I barely know

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 02-Jan-13 18:56:21

Op, if he managed to get the tip of his penis anywhere near you (and it sounds like he did) I would recommend a trip to the clap clinic, tbh

izzyizin Wed 02-Jan-13 19:06:23

Am I the only one who would have leapt up like a scalded cat gone 'wtactuatf' shock on feeling raspberries being blown on my fanjo and hearing farting noises coming from the general direction of my lady garden? hmm

AmandaPayne Wed 02-Jan-13 19:07:19

Tell him why you are dumping him. He has behaved appallingly. If you just say 'it didn't work out' then he can go round blaming his penis size, or whatever else, or saying you were a total cow. If you tell him, he at least will know that it was his own fault.

As for the foreplay. All I can say is it sounds like some of your ex-partners with small penises were total tools. Surely any decent lover wants their partner as 'ready to go' as possible, not keep them tense for a (ewwww) tighter fit.

abitputoff Wed 02-Jan-13 19:14:54

Thanks everyone - situation dealt with. I have sent him an email saying the condom thing was an issue (but acknowledging that I should maybe have checked he had one before commencing proceedings given I didn't have one myself). I also said I'd just come out of a LTR just before meeting him and that I think I need a bit of a break from anything serious but that I enjoyed his company on our dates and that I hoped he'd enjoyed Christmas and New Year. This is true by the way -met him 3 weeks after break with ex, and was intending a month or two "off" before I met him.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 02-Jan-13 19:16:45

Fair enough. I would be interested to know his reply.

ClippedPhoenix Wed 02-Jan-13 19:19:13

Job done OP. Just delete.

izzyizin Wed 02-Jan-13 19:20:08

So you've opted to leave the door open? For which one?

dequoisagitil Wed 02-Jan-13 20:17:23

Do go for a check-up. If this is his normal, then he's not exactly sexual health conscious.

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