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I've got a bad feeling about this woman.

(119 Posts)
suspicion Wed 02-Jan-13 15:18:04

I've name changed as I think I would be to recognisable otherwise.

I'm not sure whether I am right to be suspicious or its just my insecurities taking over.
My DP has been working at his current job for over a year now. This woman started working there after him. I've not met her nor any of his other work friends.

Recently (since having a baby) I've noticed he's bringing her up in conversation quite a bit. She has bright red hair and he keeps commenting on how red hair is sexy and I should dye mine that colour. I've noticed she's been posting on his facebook a lot with cryptic messages or inside jokes and puts up pictures of him. Recently she wrote something French and sort of romantic on there. Anyone can see that he's engaged and apparently she's in a relationship.

Now he works with lots of women that I've never thought twice about but I've got a strange feeling about her. He's been going out a lot more recently but I've assumed he's telling the truth about visiting one of his work friends.

Our relationship has been a bit strained since I've had DD and I don't know if I'm just feeling insecure because I feel like I'm a shadow of my former self or if I do have reason to worry.
Surely if something was going on she wouldn't be posting things so publicly? It makes me sad to see how happy he looks in her pictures, I've not seen him that way in a long time.

What do you think? How right can instinct be.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 02-Jan-13 15:22:38

You have reason to worry because of the simple fact that you're worried. Next time he brings up the red hair thing tell him a) it's getting boring and b) you're not happy with the in-jokes and pictures they're sharing online. Whether you're being oversensitive or not, if he respects & loves you, he should agree to back off.

dequoisagitil Wed 02-Jan-13 15:26:42

Your instincts rarely lead you wrong.

suspicion Wed 02-Jan-13 15:26:48

Oh I forgot to add that I did point out to him that he talks about her a lot and does he have a little crush but he laughed and said he's not attracted to her as she has 'squinty eyes'. I'm not buying it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 02-Jan-13 15:30:43

Then you're left with the 'I've got my eye on you Sunny Jim' speech.... Take him on face value for now but keep your eyes and ears open.

AgathaHoHoHo Wed 02-Jan-13 15:40:30

"He's been going out a lot more recently but I've assumed he's telling the truth about visiting one of his work friends."

Are you getting equal amounts of time out with your friends too? Is he making as much effort with your relationship as he appeats to be making with outside friendships? Is he pulling his weight in the house and sharing baby care when he is home?

bestsonever Wed 02-Jan-13 15:46:39

Is there a way of finding out who he is actually seeing when he goes out? Also, it's hard not to become clingy when feeling insecure but that tends to back-fire. Do you get to see your friends while he looks after your DD?

suspicion Wed 02-Jan-13 15:47:28

I don't really have friends here. The one I did doesn't want to see me since I had the baby. He holds and changes the baby sometimes and has never done much housework. He made a big effort yesterday and cooked for me for the first time after I was upset because he wouldn't let me hug him bed on new years eve.

carlywurly Wed 02-Jan-13 15:48:24

Trust your instincts. Xh had one of these - they're now living together with their own child. Ours were 4 and 2 at the time.

I wish with hindsight I hadn't tried to be the laidback, tolerant wife but I trusted him.

carlywurly Wed 02-Jan-13 15:49:17

He wouldn't let you hug him? Why?

suspicion Wed 02-Jan-13 15:50:35

There's no way of knowing who he's seeing as I don't know any of them. I've never told him to stay in so I'm not clingy at all. I've never been away from DD, she's only 5 months and wont take the bottle (plus I don't trust anyone to know how to look after her)

hygienequeen Wed 02-Jan-13 15:51:40

Trust your instincts sweetheart xx

AgathaHoHoHo Wed 02-Jan-13 15:53:08

It sounds as though you have several problems here, including the red-head at work.

He doesn't pull his weight at home, he doesn't sound as though he does enough with your baby. He is withholding affection?

I assume he knows you are feeling isolated at the moment? Could he do more to help with that? How about going along with him to mix with his friends? Or if that is difficult because of babysitters, perhaps inviting his friends and their partners over to yours so that you are included within his apparently busy social circle.

I think some straight talking is called for.

suspicion Wed 02-Jan-13 15:54:38

He wouldn't let me hug him that night because he said he was tired and he doesn't like being touched in bed, he squirms about these days when I do touch him when I come to bed. Most of the time he goes to bed a lot earlier than me as it takes me agers to settle DD so we don't get to share any affectionate time together.

ChristmasNamechangeBridezilla Wed 02-Jan-13 15:54:42

I would just say cautiously that your instincts are there for a reason so while its not a good idea to go in guns blazing and accusing him of having an affair, definitely trust your feelings and be on your guard for anything suspicious. Not much help, sorry.

dequoisagitil Wed 02-Jan-13 15:57:42

I think him withdrawing by rejecting your touch and going to bed before you are very suggestive of there being someone else.

bestsonever Wed 02-Jan-13 15:59:05

He's not even allowing hugs, never mind the other :-0, I'd say it's a bad sign and the cooking could be the guilt. Not keeping a life of your own up and relying solely on him for company is risky when things go wrong, it can also make the other person feel under pressure and want to withdraw more. Perhaps you could meet and make friends with mums from baby group meetings, that's a good way to form friendships and support with like-minded people?

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 02-Jan-13 16:07:41

I agree that you should trust your instincts - hopefully nothing has actually happened but something is definitely going on with boundaries are being blurred/lines being crossed.

Is he more possessive with his phone?

BabyBorn Wed 02-Jan-13 16:23:59

Sorry to hear this. I would bet he was cheating! Classic signs.

Your breastfeeding your young baby and he is treating you like a twat. He is bound to feel a little pushed to the side but he is taking the poss out of you and I bet he's cheating! I am also breastfeeding my 8.5 month old, she won't take the bottle either and we co sleep but I do try my best to make "special time" for my husband because he does put up with a lot with me having our child strapped to me, but he is respectful and is pacient and would never do what your husband is doing.

Find hard evidence, then kick him out on his arse! If you want to talk, pm me x

diddiehunter Wed 02-Jan-13 16:26:44

Hmmm. You already know the answer to your own question dont you? ? ? I know it might not be what u wanna hear but the fact you're on here asking, shows that! I know id be verrrry suspicious right now and unfortunately i would have already had my blazing guns out and ready to kill him! angry thats just me.tho!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 02-Jan-13 16:37:32

Withdrawal of affection and Facebook flirting with a red-head... not good.

forgetmenots Wed 02-Jan-13 16:40:27

This doesn't sound good. Has he been careful with his phone (taking it everywhere)?

I think try and get hold of the phone and have a look (don't normally advocate snooping) but the fb thing might just be that the best place to hide a book is in a library, you know?

Either way you need a proper discussion with him.

Iwasafairybutlostmywings Wed 02-Jan-13 16:44:25

Aw sorry to hear what you are going through. All us women can do is make 'home' the desirable place to be as much as we can. Don't dye your hair because of what he said yes red hair is probably sexy but redhead's do have some tempers and strops ;-)
At least you are able to see what is going on on facebook don't go on about it too much though incase he decides to block you from seeing it!!
Hope things work out. xx

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 02-Jan-13 16:46:24

"All us women can do is make 'home' the desirable place to be as much as we can"

Bit bloody passive isn't it??? hmm 'Don't go on about it too much' WTF?

Jesus wept.

Iwasafairy Did it take long to get here from the 1950's?? hmm

OP - it sounds seriously dodgy to me. Sorry sad

dequoisagitil Wed 02-Jan-13 16:51:09

If he were to block his partner from FB, there would be something seriously wrong - with him.

Sugarice Wed 02-Jan-13 16:51:20

Iwasafairy you'll be telling her next to make sure his tea is on the table ready for when he gets in from work! hmm

Take care OP.

Iwasafairybutlostmywings Wed 02-Jan-13 16:55:23

oh yeah that must be where I left/lost my wings. :-p nice to meet you too BunnyLebowski

Iwasafairybutlostmywings Wed 02-Jan-13 16:56:22

and nice to meet you too Sugarice

suspicion Wed 02-Jan-13 17:01:50

I'm not going to be able to post much more tonight as he will be home soon. He has always had his phone on him really. I notice he will say he's off to bed and then I will go in about half an hour later to change my DD's nappy and he will have the lights off but will be on his phone. I have looked at his phone recently though by accident as we have the same phones and he didn't seem to have any texts from her.

I feel sick...this just cant be right can it. I will ask him about that French message she left him when he gets home.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Wed 02-Jan-13 17:02:12

Iwas

You can tell me to sling my hook but I noticed you on a thread yesterday saying that you were new.

The posters on Relationships are a good bunch and have usually been through a hell of a lot - with the emphasis on 'hell'.

And there's no substitute for experience sometimes.

Relationships really isn't like Chat or even AIBU.

Just trying to help - not be nasty.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Wed 02-Jan-13 17:03:01

And OP - PLEASE trust your instincts.

Sorry this is happening to you.

loopylou6 Wed 02-Jan-13 17:04:35

I'm sorry to say OP, but this sounds VERY dodgy.

loopylou6 Wed 02-Jan-13 17:11:51

Why don't you use google translate to find out what the message says?

loopylou6 Wed 02-Jan-13 17:12:21

Or, tell us, my French is pretty ok.

badinage Wed 02-Jan-13 17:14:22

I think he's already having an affair. Sorry.

I sometimes see on here a rather naive belief that asking a person who's having an affair to be honest about it, produces the intended result. Whereas in practice unless that person wants to leave the marriage there and then and knows they haven't covered his tracks well enough, no-one in this situation ever tells the truth.

They just get better at hiding it.

So personally I'd do two things, depending on how much I wanted to stay in the relationship.

I'd snoop like mad and only confront once it was indisputable.

Or I'd decide that the trust was fucked and I wasn't prepared to live with someone who wouldn't let me touch him and was bone idle around the house and with our child.

AgathaHoHoHo Wed 02-Jan-13 17:15:04

Iwasafairy - WTF!

OP do you do much together as a couple? He sounds a bit of a waste of space tbh. Not supportive of you, does little with his child, goes out frequently and has a completely separate social live to anything with you, flirty messages with women at work (ego stroking?), would rather be upstairs on his own interacting with his phone at night that spending time with you.

It might be time to think about what you yourself get from this relationship, and work out whether that is what you really want and need.

Iwasafairybutlostmywings Wed 02-Jan-13 17:20:23

I wasn't intending to be nasty either I am speaking from experience of something similar so please don't put me off another Internet forum :/ because you don't agree with me! Let op read advice and she will do what she think is best X

juniperdewdrop Wed 02-Jan-13 17:21:09

sad Poor you. He's not exactly hiding it really is he? Is he very young?

juniperdewdrop Wed 02-Jan-13 17:24:34

Iwas I think you may have come across as almost blaming the OP. It sounded like if she makes the home nicer to be in he won't stray. Men stray for all reasons sometimes just because someone is massaging his ego. They can be with perfectly fabulous OHs but need more attention. And don't let anyone put you off a forum it's full of allsorts of people on here, and a lot of them. Just try to let it go over your head if you can and you'll enjoy it here smile

OverlyYappyAlways Wed 02-Jan-13 17:27:38

IwasaFairy

I'm sorry but that's terrible advice, do you have the good housewives guide or something ?

Op this doesn't sound good at all tbh! I think you may have to do a bit of snooping if he will not confess, my instinct usually correct.

Iwasafairybutlostmywings Wed 02-Jan-13 17:36:20

Oh no wasn't intending that that's the thing about these things and FB isn't it! hope you'll be ok op X

dequoisagitil Wed 02-Jan-13 17:42:31

He won't confess, I am 99.99% sure. Most cheaters will deny deny deny even when the evidence is there, to the point of making you feel you're going loopy.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Wed 02-Jan-13 17:46:50

As others have said trust your instincts. Keep on your guard and eyes and ears open. Hope nothing comes of it xx

suspicion Wed 02-Jan-13 17:47:29

LoopyLou I already know what the French translates to but don't want to put it on here and risk being found out.

Juniperdewdrop He's late 20's, me and the red head are early 20's but she's a bit younger.

We do have other issues in the relationship but we have been trying to tackle those.

akaemmafrost Wed 02-Jan-13 17:54:55

God I've read some crap in my time but that really does take the cake iwasafairy.

Moving on swiftly, OP I think it sounds like there's something going on. I'd come down swift and hard and tell him straight that you KNOW there is but that's just me. Others might suggest bide your time and find out more, which might be the sensible thing to do. Sorry if you've already said but where are your friends and family? What are your options for moving back near them?

Ahhhcrap Wed 02-Jan-13 18:07:43

Trust your instincts

Iwasafairybutlostmywings Wed 02-Jan-13 18:09:30

God I've read some crap in my time but that really does take the cake

Whatever love have a nice evening

akaemmafrost Wed 02-Jan-13 18:11:54

grin Thank you, I will.

Iwasafairybutlostmywings Wed 02-Jan-13 18:15:20

Good :-)

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 02-Jan-13 18:17:04

Op, I think the "other issues" in your relationship are probably very relevant. What are they?

sarahseashell Wed 02-Jan-13 18:23:17

heart goes out to you OP - I agree with the others about trusting your instincts. One thing you could do is suggest taking the baby to his workplace so that he can show her off to his work colleagues. Then see what his reaction is wink

AgathaHoHoHo Wed 02-Jan-13 19:12:02

We do have other issues in the relationship but we have been trying to tackle those.

How have you been trying to tackle those, and has he been trying too, and have things improved any?

suspicion Wed 02-Jan-13 19:47:39

I've not got long, hes walking the dog. I told him how I felt about the woman and I thought something was going on. He laughed and said 'has she posted that picture I drew of her on facebook?' which she hadn't and I had no idea about.
Apparently she's been on at him for a picture of her as hes an artist and hes done one today. The French was 'messing around' but wasn't funny at all to me. He says everyone goes on and on about how fit she is but he doesn't think so. He then changed the subject and got up and started pottering around nervously and now obviously has gone out. sad I don't know what to do, how am I supposed to know for sure.

suspicion Wed 02-Jan-13 19:48:53

Will post about the relationship issues when I have more time.

BodyOfEeyore Wed 02-Jan-13 19:53:31

I'm only going to repeat what others have said: trust your instincts.

BelaLugosisShed Wed 02-Jan-13 19:55:47

Get a copy of not just friends by Shirley Glass and get him to read it - huge red flags and warning klaxons, the "mention-itis" being the main one, this is a crucial time, make him fully aware that his relationship with this woman is dangerous and you will not stand for this friendship - he is heading for an affair, even if he thinks it's all innocent at the moment.

He should be investing his time and energy into you , you've recently had his child .

Spellcheck Wed 02-Jan-13 19:56:31

One of the many, depressing, ways I began to suspect my exH of having an affair was when he took the poor, bewildered dog out five times a day. So I'd ring his mobile. I hated myself for doing this but it turns out I was right. I'd put 141 before the number so it didn't show up. On the rare occasions it wasn't engaged, he'd answer on the first ring. Really hope there's nothing in this, and he's innocent. It's hell.

juniperdewdrop Wed 02-Jan-13 19:59:27

Was thinking the same Spellcheck, he'll be out ringing her no doubt.

juniperdewdrop Wed 02-Jan-13 19:59:58

and they have the OWs name in their phone as a man usually.

Oh darlin it's screamingly obvious to me sad

how can you know for sure though?? call logs?

Ahhhcrap Wed 02-Jan-13 20:07:43

I hope it's all innocent, but don't be blind to it either.

Keep an eye on phone, get a hold of itemised phone bills (calls, texts etc will be deleted from his phone). Not letting his phone out of his site is a classic one. My exH used to pretty much sleep with his. Ask to borrow his phone to make a call and watch his reaction. Check emails etc if you can.

suspicion Wed 02-Jan-13 20:08:03

There's no engaged tone on our phones. It carries on ringing even if someone's on the other end to give the option of putting the original caller on hold. He's come back and acting like I've not said anything, just acting normal. Wouldn't you feel angry if your DP just suggested something was going on and it wasn't?

Ahhhcrap Wed 02-Jan-13 20:08:45

My exH had the ow name under a blokes name, and her email under his own name

Yes, I would be angry. We will be here for you .

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 02-Jan-13 20:11:16

The more you post, the worst it sounds sad

I bet the problems in your relationship are him nitpicking, causing petty arguments, being lazy/selfish/entitled....

These are the classic signs of someone who is checking out of their relationship and trying to justify their cheating.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 02-Jan-13 20:11:42

(and distant)

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 02-Jan-13 20:12:10

Are you not allowed to use the internet when he is around ?confused

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 02-Jan-13 20:13:15

I've got a bad feeling about your husband

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 02-Jan-13 20:14:44

If I was being accused of having an affair then I would be doing everything I could to reassure OH and reviewing boundaries.

juniperdewdrop Wed 02-Jan-13 20:16:12

Can you afford a private detective?

AgathaHoHoHo Wed 02-Jan-13 20:19:15

If it was all innocent, and if he was a decent man, he would be falling over himself now to reassure you, doing whatever it took. He's not though. That really says it all.

Even if nothing is going on apart from a huge flirtation, it is screamingly obvious that he wants it to be.

Don't feel you have to hold on for proof. You could never get it. The fact is that you are not happy, not just about this either, and you say yourself that things haven't been good for a while. That is what you need to consider. Whether things can be put right, and whether that is achievable given his fondness for segregating his social life away from your relationship, and not being a 'partner' in the real sense of the word when he is home.

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 02-Jan-13 20:22:57

IWas It's rather insulting to suggest that all redheads have tempers and strops... On par with saying all blondes are stupid. Completely unnecessary, too...

OP I think you know the answer here. If he isn't sleeping with her, he isn't far away. How would he react if you asked to look at his phone right now? Would he hand it over? If he wouldn't, that'd answer it all. There is clearly things on there that he doesn't want you to see.

Drawing pictures for other women is a bit odd anyway. It's much closer than just work mates. When did he draw it? How long did it take?

They have stomped all over the boundaries, and your DP seems to be doing anything possible not to let you rebuild them.

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 02-Jan-13 20:24:33

I forgot to say...he's probably called her, and at least warned her about posting on his Facebook now, if not told her off for making you suspicious. I'd be very surprised if the amount of postings from her mentioning him get a lot less now.

Ask for his phone. He'll probably be a bit wounded if he hasn't done anything, but he'll understand. I'm fairly sure he'll refuse to hand it over, though, at least until he's had chance to delete things.

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Wed 02-Jan-13 20:25:58

I had the very same thing almost three years ago to do the day. Nothing I could definitely put my finger on, just a niggle.

Then I noticed more and more posts on fb from a particular woman, him having mentionitis of said woman and staying out later/more often. Phone constantly texting, attached to his arse all the time.

I didn't say anything but one time he left his email logged in on my laptop so I saw a message from hm to his mate saying he'd shagged her at the weekend. I snooped some more, turned out he'd been seeing her for months and stupid gullible, easy going me just thought he was having lads time out cos it was christmas/his birthday/new year etc

Keep your wits about you and gather evidence if you possibly can.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 02-Jan-13 20:26:49

He will now go into lockdown mode and will have told her the same. If that happens...you have your answer.

MooncupGoddess Wed 02-Jan-13 20:27:34

Quite apart from the potential other woman, he sounds like a selfish knob who does very little with the baby or around the house. The fact that you wouldn't feel happy about leaving her with him is very telling.

suspicion Wed 02-Jan-13 20:27:42

The reason I'm having to dip in and out is that he's constantly in and out of the room and there's no where to go in this flat.

He says he just finds it funny because nothings going on. What could he do to get away from the woman though, they work together?

I cant afford a private detective.

I wrote a while ago here about our relationship issues I will try and find it and link to it..I'm just a bit worried it will out me, I will have to check through it to make sure I've not written anything blindingly obvious about our lives.

ProphetOfDoom Wed 02-Jan-13 20:27:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

suspicion Wed 02-Jan-13 20:32:46

I didn't want to put the french in case any of their mutual friends use MN and recognise the phrase she put on his facebook (although I do doubt it)

I don't really have any RL support. My old friends are dotted all over the country as they went off to uni and stayed in those areas, I don't really get along with family.

dequoisagitil Wed 02-Jan-13 20:33:58

Schmaltzing, if someone who knew about the FB comment happened on it on this thread they'd know who the people involved are. Most likely to happen if the OP's friends/family/dp know she uses Mumsnet or are also posters.

lovelyladuree Wed 02-Jan-13 20:39:22

FFS OP. You know what is going on here. You don't need to hear a load of girly flimflam. Dump the bastard.

ProphetOfDoom Wed 02-Jan-13 20:41:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgathaHoHoHo Wed 02-Jan-13 21:04:16

He says he just finds it funny because nothings going on.

Funny as in amusing? Or funny as in recognising he has been behaving like a knob and is now full of remorse and trying to make it better?

The first one, for a guess.

TurnipCake Wed 02-Jan-13 21:10:52

Oh OP, I know how it feels, the normal time during the day when you should be getting on with things and enjoying your baby, is taken up with worrying about what this twit is up to and with whom. It's exhausting and my ex laughed off all my concerns, "She's just a mate, one of the lads" turns out I was right to be concerned.

Trust your gut on this one. Hope you're ok

Sugarice Wed 02-Jan-13 21:42:41

He took the dog out to clear his head and work out his responses to your questions when they came.

Trust your instinct and tell him you know he's lying when he comes out with every feeble sounding excuse.

Self belief is everything and don't lose it now !!!!

Looksgoodingravy Wed 02-Jan-13 21:49:13

So sorry you're going through this OP.

It doesn't sound good and this is only because I've been through this myself. The signs are all there. Now it could be just the start and things might not have moved on from the usual fb flirtatious.

In dp's case it started with fb, then to chat, then to texts (which usually happened when he was walking the dog) then to meet ups! He was distant and had his phone attached to him.

The only way of checking really is to follow him on one of his outings.

Looksgoodingravy Wed 02-Jan-13 21:50:59

And yes he should be damned angry if he was being accused of something which wasn't true, bet he changed the subject pretty damn quick! Huge red flag!

You really need to start looking for proof. Some people will deny the sky is blue if there is a room between it and them.

He could, and most likely will, lie and say that there is nothing going on, it's silly of you, you are paranoid. Shove some proof under their noses and they are full of 'apologies'.

roof not room.

badinage Wed 02-Jan-13 23:32:17

I think he's gaslighting you.

Having this affair in plain sight and trying to make you think you're paranoid, jealous and insecure.

The clues are all there. It couldn't be more obvious.

Unfortunately, now you've revealed your hand he'll just get a bit craftier and advise OW to be a bit more discreet - but not too discreet as that would look even more suspicious.

Get at his phone bills would be my advice. You can delete texts but you can't delete data.

HappyNewSkyebluesapphire Wed 02-Jan-13 23:43:35

Sorry, have to agree it doesn't look good. My XH walked out on me and DD 4yo at Easter after announcing in Feb that he didnt feel the same any more......

Turns out he was flirting with his mates wife, facebooking, emailing, every opportunity he could to spend time with her, texting 100 times a day. Slept with his phone, deleted all emails and texts between them. He talked about her all the time. Stayed up late after me so that he could text her.

My first instinct on the very first email I saw, was that it crossed the line into flirty and that he hadn't told me he was emailing her.

Trust your instincts. You don't know how far it has gone but it has crossed the line.

He needs to be in no doubt that you will not stand for it.

MrsTomHardy Thu 03-Jan-13 00:33:57

Doesn't sound good OP. sorry sad

Hope you're alright op

sleeplessinsuburbia Thu 03-Jan-13 06:14:32

He took the dog for a walk to delete text messages etc. he'll be ready for any questions you have now!

lunar1 Thu 03-Jan-13 06:29:06

Hope you are ok op. it doesn't sound good from what you have posted.

FellatioNelson Thu 03-Jan-13 06:37:39

Oh dear. sad It doesn't sound good does it?

What I will say though, is that if he is already in an affair with her then they will probably STOP posting stuff on one another's FB walls, to avoid causing suspicion. Is is still going on, or has it eased off since he started being distant with you? He could just have a massive crush on her (which would explain the constant mentioning her, the red hair thing etc) - maybe she has no idea and thinks she is just indulging in harmless banter with a mate. But if he is emotionally invested then you have a problem.

Or they could already be having an affair, but I honestly doubt they would carry on the blatant and very public flirting/banter if they were. I'd be more concerned if that suddenly stopped.

Are comments at all one sided, or are they both indulging equally? Does your DP know you can read them?

InNeedOfBrandy Thu 03-Jan-13 06:56:40

I would turn it into a joke, I would laugh and say how was your crush today darling and I would tell people in front Of him ad laugh about it.

He might have a crush on her he might really fancy her but you don't know he's done anything about it. Everyone in a relationship can fancy other people especially as your not very intimate understandably at the moment so I wouldn't be so quick to kick him out and assume affair.

It could be he's working with this woman they click a bit and flirt and mess about, doesn't mean it will go any further and hopefully he will snap out of it soon enough. I wouldn't push him further away by being needy and insecure I would joke about it.

Just like to make a point you read on here quite often about women (because it's a majority woman's forum) that they have a crush on a guy at work what do they do about it they don't want to leave their husband as they love their husband. This could be that.

Mayisout Thu 03-Jan-13 07:49:45

On the other hand I would ask him to leave. He is messing with you and your daughter's lives and rather than wait for him to decide what nasty new surprise he has for you you will pre empt him and tell him to clear off to the redheads as that is obviously where he wants to be.

In the hope that taking away the illicit excitement of secret texts and flirtations the romance will fade and he will decide that maybe you are not such a bad person after all and he wants to see his baby so will come home with his tail between his legs.

I think that I would choose this rather than the torture or wondering what he is or isn't doing and going slightly mad with worry. Once the decision is made you can start to look after yourself instead of obsessing about him.

Also the reality of years of maintenance payments and childrearing (without you to do the bulk of the work) might shake his confidence a bit.

I doubt you are ready to contemplate this situation OP but considering it honestly might make it not seem such a bad prospect.

Mayisout Thu 03-Jan-13 07:55:57

Actually, I think if you read my last post and it makes you a bit angry and annoyed with your DH that would be a good thing. As long as you are doing everything at home and for baby he can sort of ignore you, however if you get a bit shirty and expecting more of him it might just wake him up to what he stands to lose.

kittybiscuits Thu 03-Jan-13 08:10:32

Unfortunately I agree OP that your instincts are well-founded. As well as the specific concerns about this particular red-headed person, I am also alarmed that your OH has so much built-in privacy, that you would have no idea where he goes or who he is with when he goes out.

I would give some thought to mayisouts idea of a preemptive strike. It's not about finding proof - very difficult when he has manipulated himself into such a position - it is about the mistrust and concern he has generated, and about the arrogant response to your questions. Good luck OP. I think you can take back some of your power here.

suspicion Thu 03-Jan-13 09:47:54

Thankyou for all your messages. I didn't get much sleep last night but have been thinking about it some more. I'm pretty sure that its not gone as far as an affair yet but I'm pretty sure he's thought about it. He's got low self esteem right now from putting on lots of weight and I think he's enjoying having someone to flirt with.

Because of messages between him and a male co-worker of his on facebook, I do think he has just gone to his when he's gone out. He hasn't had any time to have a full blown affair, he always rings me on his breaks and comes straight home after work.

I got one last conversation with him last night before bed and he admitted that he thought she was pretty and they share the same sort of humour, but he doesn't like her that way. He had nervous body language and I could tell he wasn't being truthful.

I pointed out how its not nice to laugh in my face about it and how would he feel if it was the other way around, to which he admitted it didn't look good and he wouldn't like it if a man was doing the same with me.

I told him if she doesn't mean anything to him he has to stop talking to her. He said he was upset about doing that but didn't say whether he would or not. I know I'm not going to achieve much from that as it depends on the scale of things. He might go and tell her they have to be more discreet but in that case I have his email and Facebook passwords so can check if they start communicating more privately.
My logic is that if he truly no longer speaks to her she would stop posting things on his wall. So if he tells me he's stopped talking to her and she's still posting things I will know he's lying.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Thu 03-Jan-13 10:00:52

I think it would be a very good idea to get the Shirley Glass book 'Not Just Friends'. It's often recommended here and talks about appropriate boundaries in a relationship. Even if he isn't having an affair, the book will help you discuss where things are on the slippery slope to one. Also, he'd be less able to say that you are being unreasonable if it's there in black and white.

forgetmenots Thu 03-Jan-13 11:05:18

His response is that he will tell her they have to be more discreet?!

shock

So much for having nothing to hide.

Sorry OP, it sounds like you have tried to be understanding but whether this is physical or not (and I would bet my life savings it is), it is an emotional affair. I think you need to get away from him fof a few days. This is so out of order.

forgetmenots Thu 03-Jan-13 11:05:55

Sorry OP - I see you think he might do that. I still think his response stinks.

Does he know you have access to his passwords? Regardless, I'm sure you don't need telling to keep your eyes open, I truly hope this works out well for you both, we are always here if you need to talk.

ProphetOfDoom Thu 03-Jan-13 11:28:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

juniperdewdrop Thu 03-Jan-13 14:50:37

He sounds like a bairn saying he thought she had squinty eyes and now admitting he fancies her. Although it was obvious he did.

She probably doesn't fancy him anyway and is just a flirt? Still stinks though.

loopylou6 Thu 03-Jan-13 15:00:45

Wow he's done some back peddling hasn't he?

He first said she wasn't attractive and had 'squinty' eyes.

He's a cheating toss pot OP.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 03-Jan-13 15:01:42

I really think you need to get this book:

www.shirleyglass.com/book.htm

The problem is that the only person who can stop this from going any further is him - he needs to address his issues and boundaries in order to prevent himself from going down that slippery slope.

InNeedOfBrandy Thu 03-Jan-13 16:04:03

Tbh I think your relationship is already down the toilet by the fact you check his private stuff and make him ring you all the time. I don't mean that to be nasty I just personally think if you don't trust someone to that extent it's not a good place to be in for you or him. No way would I put up with having to ring a partner every break and come straight home and never have time to myself which I'm not accountable to them.

suspicion Thu 03-Jan-13 16:39:49

Brandy I don't get him to ring me, in fact I find it rather disruptive sometimes that he rings me 3 times a day. He does it while he's out having a cigarette. I also don't make him come straight home, he does it at his own accord. I am in no way controlling of what he can and cannot do.

imFINEthanks Thu 03-Jan-13 17:52:00

OP.

I've been in your shoes. You should be aware of this woman and your h's potential vulnerability to an affair. Buy the Shirley Glass book.

I wish I had 6 years ago.

Mayisout Thu 03-Jan-13 18:54:48

Things sound promising OP, can you get him to take on the child care more, he needs to feel a bond with DD.
He should give up his single socialising and choose to spend time as a family.
Perhaps you could by busy and 'out' having fun when he rings (even if it's sitting in the local caf with a pretend friend), that might make him wake up.

badinage Thu 03-Jan-13 20:55:28

I think unless you're prepared to be a bit more proactive and covert about this, all you can do is spell out to him the consequences of him having an affair, with this woman or anyone else.

And mean them.

What are you going to do about the stuff you both know about, like the lack of sex and affection and his lack of work in the house and with your child then?

VitoCorleone Thu 03-Jan-13 21:40:06

So first she wasnt attractive, now she's pretty?

I really dont think i could put up with this behaviour, its one thing having friends of the opposite sex but i think your partner and this woman are crossing a line here.

He admitted he wouldnt like it if the boot was on the other foot so why is he doing it?

InNeedOfBrandy Thu 03-Jan-13 21:44:21

This could just be the way my mind works and I really don't want to put more ideas in your head but I find the fact he rings you all the time could be preemptive so you don't ring him when he's busy bantering with her.

jynier Fri 04-Jan-13 03:09:54

Trust your instincts!

Don't know if this will help but a friend was in a similar situation a few years ago. She invited the woman to her house, plied her with vodka while remaining completely sober herself and then regaled the prospective OW with lots of stories about her DH's shortcomings. He was squirming with embarrassment at his wife's honesty, coupled with her hilarious stories about his uselessness, and no longer looked like a good catch. They are still together. He did know that she would take him on financially if he left her (they're rich!) and admitted that he had almost fallen for the flattery!

AgathaHoHoHo Fri 04-Jan-13 06:42:44

I told him if she doesn't mean anything to him he has to stop talking to her. He said he was upset about doing that but didn't say whether he would or not.

This says it all. At this point, he is considering only his own feelings. If he was really thinking about yours, or the effect this emotional affair (at least) was having on your relationship, he should be telling you he would cut all contact with her.

FWIW I don't think you sound in the least bit controlling. The opposite in fact. I think that you have tried hard to be a 'cool partner', not minding him going out and having a compartmentalised social life even though you have a baby. That's not done you any favours. He has taken that inch and run with a mile. He needs to grow up and be a better partner and a better father.

Is relationship counselling an option?

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