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Not in love with DP anymore... [sad]

(43 Posts)
Kione Tue 01-Jan-13 16:51:17

Hi there, I have been with DP 7 years and we have a 3 yo DD. I don't even know how to start because our relasionship was never great, I fell infatuated with him when I was with my previous BF, it was a very sexual relationship, he has never been very, funny or romantic orshowed that he REALLY wanted to be with me, until I accidentally became pregnant (although I was delighted as i have always wanted kids and I was 30) and he changed a lot. Mucho more loving, and he tells me nicer things, helps around the house. But... now I feel that we have very little in common, he still never wants to go out with me and DD to do stuff together, we don't share hobbies, friends or anything, and I have been increasingly more and more upset. We just never talk, last night was a complete disaster as I was so upset I didn't celebrate anything...

I feel I am with him and haven't moved out because DD and him adore each other and I am putting that before my own hapiness.

Plus, I recently met a man I dated for a few months, we have started texting and have met for coffee a couple of times. He has made clear he would like to be with me, and I know all this "the grass is greener" stuff, but I feel I have a lot more things in common with him, the sparkle is deffinitelly there, that we could have so much more fun that what I have now. My life with DP is miserable, but I hate hurting people and don't want to hurt DP or DD and I am stuck...

Any thoughts? please don't be harsh as I am really strugling with this. Should I leave him and move on? Even typing that makes my stomach turn, or should I concentrate in making it wrok and forget the other man (which it won't be easy anyway as he has just moved a few houses down!)

Any advice appreciated. Thank you.

FlojoHoHoHo Tue 01-Jan-13 16:55:25

U sounds exactly like a close friend of mine. As a single parent myself normally I say don't do it! But if u otherwise have a good support network..
My friend left him and was (and still is) happily married to new guy. Her DD is much happier as mum is much happier and they go out a lot more as a family and have family hols etc.
But, maybe she just got lucky, u might not.

HettySunshine Tue 01-Jan-13 17:00:24

I think you need to be single for a while. You went from one DP straight to another and now you are thinking of again going directly on to someone else.

You need a bit of time to be by yourself and get some perspective.

Sorry you feel like this but I honestly think some time on your own (with your dd) will do you the world of good.

Kione Tue 01-Jan-13 17:00:56

Well I am not from the UK so I don't have any family here, but this other man is single parent to a 12 yo and dotes on him, he has fought for custody and won, he is so much happier now than when I met him before and I know he would be very supportive with my DD. Now, DP has all his family here and I know they would support him too.

jessjessjess Tue 01-Jan-13 17:00:58

If you don't mind my saying, your post is all about him. What he does/doesn't do. It takes two to make a good relationship.

Kione Tue 01-Jan-13 17:04:47

jessjessjess, true. Believe me I have tried, I have been trying for years, I always knew this is what he was like and didn't complaint, but recently I realised that I am not happy. All he does is sit and watch tv, we have been on holiday twice in 7 years before DD and both times because I insisted. We go out for dinner 3 or 4 times a year, and I have to insist, I feel like a pest. he likes cycling, I got a bicicle and a helmet and went with him, but now I work full time and in the winter, sorry but I don't feel like going cycling. He likes bikes and I go and watch with him even if I am bored to death. And even after all this, I/we are not happy.

Kione Tue 01-Jan-13 17:05:16

sorry if I sounded defensive, I didnt intent to, I know why you said that and tried to explain.

WakeyCakey Tue 01-Jan-13 17:07:16

I don't think people should stay in relationships where the love is gone, you will end up hating and resenting your dp for it.
But you shouldn't be thinking of leaving because you believe this new man will be good for dd. she has a dad who loves her already.

It definitely sounds like you need some single time but please don't rush into anything thinking it will benefit your dd.

If you are this unhappy your dp probably is too

Kione Tue 01-Jan-13 17:07:58

HettySunshine, I was for a while, as when I left my BF for him it didn't work straight away and we where apart for a few months. I was quite happy but VERY lonely, mind you, I didn't have DD then, but I live in a tiny town don't have family, few friends are mostly busy at weekends and I was very lonely. Also, I think it would be difficult not to be with this guy if I split up from DP as we are both on the same boat and we like each other company a lot...

heyelp Tue 01-Jan-13 17:08:56

Koine - gosh this sounds like me.....became infatuated with my DH. Pursued him. Very sexual etc. Never really knew if he really wanted me or we were so compatible.....We got married because I was early 30s and wanted kids. Now have DS age 6 and DD age 4. They adored him. We don't talk. We have little in common. Cannot remember last time I laughed with him. I started seeing somebody else 3 years ago. Broke my heart - he went overseas. Told DH. He hardly reacted really. And now we just limp on. Sad. Don't really know what to do. Will be following your advice. Hand holding....

Kione Tue 01-Jan-13 17:10:36

"But you shouldn't be thinking of leaving because you believe this new man will be good for dd. she has a dad who loves her already"

Nono, maybe I didn't explain. I have always fantasised with the idea of being on my own with DD, before I re-met this guy. But never had the guts to separate DD and DP. Now that I have met him again its just so much tempting and I only said that he would help, me, I would move with him because he would be good to her. Never.

Kione Tue 01-Jan-13 17:13:20

heyelp, oh my god! it does souns so similar. Me and DP where going to get married this year, but he hasn't done anything from his side, I did everything on mine, etc. now I am going to canel it, and he doesn't care. The difference is, if I told him I see OM even for a coffee or texts etc. i will react if anything else happens and I tell him he woul immediatelly leave me. That is for sure.

WakeyCakey Tue 01-Jan-13 17:14:03

Sorry kione I must have misunderstood.
I do think you should leave but just do it for yourself not for someone else.

AmandaPayne Tue 01-Jan-13 17:15:22

I think you need to separate the idea of this new man, the excitement of all of that, from the issue of your current relationship. You have a track record of jumping from relationship to relationship and I suspect that there are issues within yourself that you also need to work on. You seem to be looking to this new man as the solution to your problems and a way to be happy. If you leave for new man, you might find that in five years you are repeating the cycle all over again. That would be very destructive for you, your DD, and any more children you have.

Have you thought about counselling with your DP to work out whether that relationship has a future?

Kione Tue 01-Jan-13 17:17:39

That is the think, if I leave its for me, totally. But I am staying because I don't want to separate them. I know I will be happier if I leave, but will she? will DP?? that is why I haven't done it. I can't bear the thought of causing so much pain sad

Kione Tue 01-Jan-13 17:17:58

Thing, not think

Kione Tue 01-Jan-13 17:20:06

Amanda, yes I know and I actually explained that to new man. I have a docs appointment tomorrow and will ask about counselling.

Kione Tue 01-Jan-13 17:21:16

New man had the snip, so won't be having more kids with him, that is something that put me off when I met him previously.

WakeyCakey Tue 01-Jan-13 17:22:33

Tbh she may actually have a better relationship with him if you split. IME (although I know this isn't always the case) men tend to make their time with their dcs more important and build a very good relationship with them that way

Kione Tue 01-Jan-13 17:27:56

Oooh it all sounds like I just should grow some "balls" and just do it?? it is just so scary!!!

WakeyCakey Tue 01-Jan-13 17:38:26

Why don't you actually talk to your dp about it. Tell him you are unhappy. If you have tried everything then if and when you do split it will be a lot easier for you

Kione Tue 01-Jan-13 17:45:43

I have, half of the time he blames it on my PMS, the other half he sits there and says nothing, or things improve a little, onlu to fall again in a few days. Sorry i seem to have a reply for every advice, but it is like this, I have been thinking and unhappy for ages, much before I started contact with new man which was only a month ago.

But yes, talking is always good and I will keep it in mind, I will wait for a time where I am not PMS to talk to him.

Kione Tue 01-Jan-13 17:48:01

Thanks WakeyCakey, I so needed to talk about it!
But he is back now and whe I look at him thinking those things I feel so sorry for him that I want to hug him! Its a bit crazy...

pylonic Tue 01-Jan-13 17:52:55

New man appears on the scene and the comparison works unfavourably against your current partner? ...

WakeyCakey Tue 01-Jan-13 17:55:19

It's that feeling that I think keeps a lot of couples together, that urge in the last 5 minutes to love him. But if you aren't feeling like you love h the rest of the time then you will resent him for not givin y

WakeyCakey Tue 01-Jan-13 17:55:43

Sorry too early
For not giving you that loving feeling all of the time

Kione Tue 01-Jan-13 19:41:17

I want to talk to him but I feel so bad and guilty sad its so so hard

Kione Tue 01-Jan-13 22:32:09

Thinking about it when he is not here is easier, but when he is I feel so bad and so sorry for him, I don't want to break his heart, he does love me, its just his personality, its always been like this and I accepted it but 7 years down the line I have just had enough and I feel like a bitch because, really its me who has changed, who is no happy or in love anymore. If anything he has actually improved since we met.

I think my strongles feeling is that I feel really really sorry for him if we do split up sad

Niome Tue 01-Jan-13 23:22:03

Sounds like you need to have a heart to heart with him about where the relationship is going. Not being funny but it seems wrong leaving him for someone else. Sounds like you don't really know what you want and are just jumping from one relationship to another. You need to focus on what is best for you and your children. They will be caught up in the middle of all of it. Your children have rights....what if they decide to live with their dad? You have a responsibility to meet their needs, no matter what. Yes, it is difficult being in a relationship where you don't have much in I am in one too....I know....but your children's needs come before your own. Instead of going straight into another should try and deal with what you and your children need.....have some time out on your own.

Kione Wed 02-Jan-13 08:09:32

That has been the issue since DD was born, I have stayed because I think is the best for her, so I have sacrficed my own hapiness. If we didn't have her I wouldn't have stayed. So if I focus on her needs, the answer is: stay. And pretend I am not unhappy and act as a loving familt, which is what I have done for the past two years.

Niome Wed 02-Jan-13 09:42:38

By staying you are not focusing on your needs or hers, but by rebounding into another relationship gives you a false sense of security. You need to find out what you really want and how to get it. It is no good living a is soul destroying. Is there nowhere you can stay for a few days to get your thoughts in order. Having time away from a situation helps to put things into perspective....hope you work something out.

Kione Wed 02-Jan-13 09:59:12

I tought for going to a B&B for a while, but ths is a small comunity and I am a bit scared of people making a big drama of it. I can't stay with my only close friend as she is in a stormy relationship herself.

I know what you mean about rebounding, totally, but it is difficult as this bloke was my friend and he is being a friend now, and its only natural that he will be there for support. I can try and stay friends of course, but I am sure you all can imagine that that will be difficult if I am feeling sad and lonely. But I am thinking about it. Just go and check into a B&B and just be friends with this bloke.

just thinking about it is making me feel so sad and sick. Sometimes I think I just don't have the guts and I use DD as an excuse not to take te step?? So, so, sad sad

Xales Wed 02-Jan-13 10:08:26

Sorry I don't think you can be friends with this bloke when you clearly want more. You are already making excuses on here as to how hard it will be when you are feeling sad and lonely which is exactly how you will feel ending a relationship.

You got bored with a boyfriend, left him for another. You have got bored with this one and are thinking about leaving him and bringing another into your DDs life. What happens when you are bored of this one will you have another lined up?

Forget the other guy. Either end your current relationship he can be a great dad not with you or work on fixing your relationship.

If it is not fixable spend time alone concentrate on you and your DD. If the new guy is meant to be he will still be there in 6 months or longer.

Kione Wed 02-Jan-13 10:34:23

I don't I get bored with boyfrineds, I have made wrong choices as I didn't have anything in common with either of them. I feel I shouldn't have started a relationship with them on the first place. With this other person I have a lot in common and true affection and friendship, which is what I lacked with the others. But I totally get where you all are coming from regarding that. And I am not making excuses saying how hard it will be, I honestly feel like that, I feel sick to the stomach and welled up last night every time I looked at DP.

Kione Wed 02-Jan-13 10:36:11

So the advice is: regardles if I leave or not, I should forget this other guy. And that is hard too as he has been a good friend, in the past and now. I am seeing him today for lunch so will speak to him then.

AmandaPayne Wed 02-Jan-13 11:44:40

Not necessarily forget him, but you should take him out the equation for now.

The problem with moving from relationship to relationship, always with overlap, is that (along with hurting people along the way), you risk never learning what actually makes you happy. You are unhappy in a relationship, so you see another person who is a better 'fit' and you jump to that person. But five years down the line that person could have stopped making you happy too. You need to work out how to be happy and then find someone to share it with, not rely on other people to provide 'happy' IYSWIM.

If this man really is your soul mate, he will understand if you say you need to concentrate on yourself and your DD and not see him for, say, four months or six months. If he really is the one, you have the rest of your lives and now until Easter, or now until the summer, shouldn't be too hard.

Also bear in mind that your relationship with your ex is likely to be much better if you are on your own for a while. It is much harder to establish an 'ex' relationship when one of you has left for another person. There is so much more bitterness. Spending time getting that right, establishing a pattern for your DD, getting her settled in the new set up, is likely to be far better for your DD.

Kione Wed 02-Jan-13 12:39:35

Yeah, that actually sounds good and clear. The thing is I feel I know ow to be happy by myself, and now I am realisisng what I want in a partner. Before I use to start a relationship if I was infatuated by someone even if it was only sexualy. Now I know what I would want in a partner and yes this person fits better. But it is completly true that I should concentrate in settleing down with DD and building a good relationship with ex before, bringing someone else into our lifes again.

And I have no doubts that this guy will wait. And if he doesn't, you are right, he is not the one and that's that. Its hard to part from a friend now, but will have to. And the I'll speak to DP.

Kione Thu 03-Jan-13 19:48:40

Right, had a long chat with other man and he is out of the picture. Well nearly, because he lives in the same street, so if we see each other we will stop and have a quick catch up. Well that is what we said. So Missing him a lot, but now I can sit and focus on what I want to do about DP. Still breaks my heart to think of sepparation but I also went to the dr's and asked to be referred to counselling. She also agreed that we shouldn't be together if there is no love. Although she said I could accpet and learn to live with DP and our differences. This is what I have tried to do, so I will just wait for counselling (I really hope it help) and try to make a decision.
I want to thank you all for helping me think with a clear head and putting the important stuff first thanks

Kione Thu 03-Jan-13 19:49:12

I don't like calling him the other man with the connotations that has here, but that is how ita came out!

Kione Thu 03-Jan-13 21:21:45

Taling to DP and he says I feel like this because of my PMS, he seems to think that it lasta 15 days before my period and 15 days after. I am really irritated and I just don't know how to make him see things angry

SomeKindOfDeliciousBiscuit Thu 03-Jan-13 23:53:20

Tell him clearly that constantly refusing to speak to you because of your cycle is bizarre and a sad little excuse. But if it's that important to him, get your diaries out and plot a day when he is willing to take you seriously. How many days a month does he think you are worth speaking to? How big is your window?
Don't let him get away with this misogyny in his fear of discussing a relationship he must know is failing. Put it to him like that - now is the time for him to engage with you if he thinks there is something worth saving.

Kione Sat 05-Jan-13 12:43:39

I have told him that we will talk in a week when won't have PMS and he agreed and he is more loving that ever. I hate it, he does this every single time! He is now all kisses and hugs, he listens when I speak and I though I even saw a smile! I think he is playing a bit dirty because our DD was being all cute and I was looking at her with a silly grin on my face and he came and held me from my waist and looked at her too. This is like "see, do you want to end this?" to me... I went out yesterday for a bit and i told DD "I love" you when I was leaving and she said "I love you too", so DP said "are you not telling me "I love you"? shock That is probably the first time in his life he has asked that to anyone, so I did and he replied "I love you too" quite calmly when previously I had to get it out of him with a corkscrew (as we say in spanish!).
So I think he knows I am serious and he is making it alot more difficult for me... sad

Kione Tue 08-Jan-13 21:12:30

I am gobsmacked at his reaction, as for first time EVER he has agreed to speak, to change things, to not watch tv all day. he is even going to try to make changes at work so it doesn't affect his mood so much. I can't believe! We put DD to bed and didn't switch the tv on for an hour and just sat there chatting over a cuppa. BUT, I really am not sure about my feelings anymore... I told him that my feelings have died over the months (years) that I love him but I am not "in love" with him. He didn't seem too hurt about this, maybe he is hoping that with all the changes I will go back to normal too, but I am still so sad as I can't see it happening, and this time he really seems ready to do something! Why is it all so complicated, i would have given an arm for him to be like this 7 years ago!!

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