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Big row - perspective required

(86 Posts)
NewYearWoes Tue 01-Jan-13 12:51:28

DH and I had a big row last and I'm trying to figure it all out.

Friends round, iPod was on and good friend of ours said to my DH "oi Jim your music is shit". This is an absolutely standard exchange between the two of them and something of a running joke.

DH got in a strop, grabbed his iPod and retreated to kitchen with a mate where he proceeded to bitch about situ whilst rest of us were left without music on having just been dancing. Bit awkward. Friend realised DH was pissed off with her, words exchanged and she left.

I'm furious that DH ruined a lovely evening that I (and the friend concerned) had put loads of effort into. When I said same to DH he complained that she had ruined the play list he'd created. Cue angry exchange between us about him being precious about playlist and valuing that above a what had been a lovely evening with friends and him saying I was BU to not stand up for him confused

Neither of us speaking today. Happy fucking NY!

HollyBerryBush Tue 01-Jan-13 12:57:07

Were you all a wee bit merry? tempers flare.

FWIW I don't see the point of dredging it up this morning.

Primadonnagirl Tue 01-Jan-13 12:57:24

Seems both just over reacted..if your DH had spent a lot of time creating the list he might have felt a bit hurt..sometimes running jokes do get underneath your skin esp if you've had a drink...but it was a bit childish of him to snatch his toy away and stop the fun..It's not worth falling out about though so I would say you hate not speaking, you like his music and that's what matters..

HollyBerryBush Tue 01-Jan-13 12:59:29

The friend was also rude commenting

yohohoho Tue 01-Jan-13 13:06:49

she was rude, he over reacted, you over reacted.

What were 'the words' your dh and yout friend had before she left.

NewYearWoes Tue 01-Jan-13 13:21:02

In terms of the words she asked me if he was pissed off with her, I tried to smooth it over and say oh I dont know... I asked him to put the music back on, he refused, she asked him if he was pissed off with her, he told her she was fucking out of order, she left.

I'm gutted. I spent all day yesterday cooking, organising, decorating made loads of effort. I appreciate DH did the playlist but it barely compares to my juggling the DC's, "working from home" and the party prep.

Lots had been drunk - least by me - but admittedly I was already pissed off with him for mocking my dancing.

NewYearWoes Tue 01-Jan-13 16:10:25

He's still ignoring me, it's now been a rubbish day after a rubbish night.

I'm so fed up but rally don't feel like apologising for overreacting when frankly he started it.

mumblechum1 Tue 01-Jan-13 16:16:19

I can't stand the not talking thing. Perhaps you should just say to him, let's just put it behind us and make friends, and have a hug?

That way, you're not apologising but are leaving the way clear for a reconciliation.

Lueji Tue 01-Jan-13 16:32:42

Actually, was it a running joke for her, or really between them?

Or something he says but doesn't like it in reverse?

Tbf, she should have apologised immediately, even if he over reacted a bit.
And he may well feel bad that you didn't stick up for him.

You are complaining that HE ruined the lovely evening you and the friend (your friend, or his?) and he complains that SHE ruined the lovely music he had put together and everyone had earlier been dancing to.

I'd say it's the friend that needs to show more consideration and at least recognise where she went wrong.

simplesusan Tue 01-Jan-13 16:33:47

I would do what mumblechum1 advises.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 01-Jan-13 16:37:23

It'll be better once you all get past puberty... don't worry. hmm

JustAHolyFool Tue 01-Jan-13 16:39:05

I agree with mumblechum . Like you say, last night was ruined. OK, that's shit, but why ruin today as well?

It all sounds like everyone was a bit fraught, which often happens this time of year. I'd just go and smooth things over, take him a cup of tea and ask if you can make up.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 01-Jan-13 16:41:01

You are all teenagers, yes ?

pictish Tue 01-Jan-13 16:43:11

I think he was being precious, if he and the friend normally get on well.
Huffy puffy. He overreacted.

It's not worth staying mad over though.

NewYearWoes Tue 01-Jan-13 16:52:56

Always pleasant to be on the receiving end of your charming responses AF.

We're all 30 something professionals and I'm genuinely upset.

I'm not staying mad over his overreaction I'm staying mad at the fact he thinks an acceptable response to ruining an evening that I'd worked rely hard to organise is to shout at me and say it's all my fault for not standing up for him.

I'm so bloody fed up and miserable

NewYearWoes Tue 01-Jan-13 16:54:07

really hard.

pictish Tue 01-Jan-13 16:54:49

So would I be.
He's basically asking you to accept however he chooses to behave, on default. If you're not for him, you're against him...and that is a very selfish pov.

If my dh had done this I'd be disappointed and annoyed too.

NewYearWoes Tue 01-Jan-13 16:56:25

And yes she is both our friend, one half of a couple we see regularly, have been on hols with and have been considering asking to be our youngest's godparents.

Hassled Tue 01-Jan-13 16:57:25

I'd be really pissed off too.

Is this the latest in a long line of squabbles or do you normally plod along together reasonably calmly? Is there some underlying reason for why he's overreacting, do you think - something else on his mind?

EverybodysSnowyEyed Tue 01-Jan-13 16:57:56

He's a terrible host and I wouldn't be surprised if your friends didn't want to come round again! Your friend was out of order (although dies he say the same kind of things to her?) but as a host his reaction should not have led to te party falling apart. I would be pissed off with him for that.

As for his reaction, does he feel guilty but is incapable of accepting any blame?

izzyizin Tue 01-Jan-13 17:05:32

Why is the only source of music in your home his iPod?

Next time you have a party, get him doing the preparations while you sort the sounds out and make sure you've got some back up in place (maybe a guest can bring their iPod?) in the event your system goes down.

Apropos of last night, why didn't you do a conga, hokey cokey, knees-up mother brown, or other oldies that don't require musicians - not even on the old joanna - so the dancing could continue while your dh sat sulking the kitchen?

Numberlock Tue 01-Jan-13 17:07:00

We need to know what was on his playlist so we can judge whether his taste is shit or not...

Lueji Tue 01-Jan-13 17:08:59

You haven't yet said who normally does that sort of comment.

If it's her, I can see that it would grate and that he might feel hurt.

I once told off MIL for saying that the music I had put in the car player was bad, as she may not have liked it, but nobody gave her the right to say if it was good or bad ( and I always bit my tongue at their appalling taste ;) ).

If he usually says it, then it served him right.

If it's mutual, then why did he get upset?

I hope it all goes down to the amount of drinking, because in all this could easily been solved very quickly then and there.

And have you managed to talk properly about it?

NewYearWoes Tue 01-Jan-13 17:09:09

everybody DH has said exactly the same to friend in past. It is honestly a longstanding, usually good humoured joke. Affectionately termed "iPhone wars" as whenever we are at each others homes they will try and swap the others iPhone out of the stereo to listen to their own playlists - which are ironically pretty similar.

In my mind this is just another incident in a chain where he has drunk too much and then got stroppy with me. In his mind I expect he is adamant that I was unreasonable to be upset with him when in his mind the friend started it.

My issue is whether she was unreasonable or not, and it's a moot point given the aforementioned "iPod wars" he could have chosen not to escalate it.

Tortington Tue 01-Jan-13 17:10:16

he sounds like a petulant child.

to be honest i'd have put the radio on and told him to sulk out of sight

ShipwreckedAndComatose Tue 01-Jan-13 17:11:32

Sounds to me like this 'running joke' finally wore thin.

You said that he started it.

I disagree. You friend started it. She might not have meant to. But it's clear that he was really upset by her remark.

Viviennemary Tue 01-Jan-13 17:13:00

I wouldn't make too much of it even if he was in the wrong. NYE is traditional for rows and hurt feelings and strops.

EverybodysSnowyEyed Tue 01-Jan-13 17:13:14

In that case he was being a twat

And does he really need his wife to stand up for him and fight his perceived battle? I guess you could have diffused the situation by saying "he has to have shit music to go with my shit dancing". You were under no obligation to and all of your guests probably think he's a twat too. I bet he doesn't like the idea of that

Lueji Tue 01-Jan-13 17:14:03

Maybe you need to ask him about it?
It doesn't seem such innocent play if he got that upset?

Sometimes we play along although we actually feel a bit hurt?

But you need to be talking to him.
And he needs to understand too that he should have had a more mature reaction.

NewYearWoes Tue 01-Jan-13 17:15:44

Shipwrecked - I meant the row between me and him. I didn't start that. But he was determined to see my not instantly jumping to his defence as some sort of slight and a reason to have a go at me.

I just wanted to smooth things over and continue having a good time

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 01-Jan-13 17:16:45

All this argy bargy over "playlists" doesn't sound like the behaviour of mature adults

Op, it's interesting you have picked up on only my "this is all very silly" response

aPirateInaPearTree Tue 01-Jan-13 17:17:46

but urely she only 'started' something that was a long running joke between them, esp as op says they have very similar taste, how was she to know he was being a miserable drunk. OR did she sense that he was being a misery and provoke him slightly knowingly, as op has said he had pissed her (op) off with the dancing comment?

anyway, your dh is being a nobber, reacting so ridiculously, in the given situation of a party, and then refusing to let you have some music. what a twat.

aPirateInaPearTree Tue 01-Jan-13 17:18:15

'surely' i meant. not urely.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Tue 01-Jan-13 17:19:45

blush

Sorry, misread

that'll teach me to skim read whilst watching telly

NewYearWoes Tue 01-Jan-13 17:27:43

AF I have picked up on yours as it was the last one before I reposted and appeared to be unnecessarily combatitive and dismissive as opposed to a genuine "this is silly why not move on" the likes of which some others posted.

If there were other similarly derogatory comments regarding maturity levels then I missed them.

NewYearWoes Tue 01-Jan-13 17:29:52

apirate I don't think the friend picked up on the dancing comment - it was done quite privately as a "you're being ridiculous thing" rather than an open group joke IYKWIM

BoneyBackJefferson Tue 01-Jan-13 17:46:04

If you had had a comment said to you that upset you, you would also be pissed off that your DP didn't defend you.

Strangely enough if the genders where reversed on this the DP would still be in the wrong.

EverybodysSnowyEyed Tue 01-Jan-13 17:49:14

A shitty comment was made to the op - by her dh. She didn't have a strop and effectively ended the party.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 01-Jan-13 17:55:36

Tbh,, if shitty comments are ever made to me, I am completely able to stand up for myself as a grown adult

BoneyBackJefferson Tue 01-Jan-13 17:58:51

EverybodysSnowyEyed

yes, but a shitty comment was made to the DH, who when voiced this was (as far as I can see) told to get over it.

JustAHolyFool Tue 01-Jan-13 17:59:25

I would never expect my partner to defend me in a row that had nothing to do with me.

BoneyBackJefferson Tue 01-Jan-13 17:59:35

AF

I suspect that you would espect your partner to back you up.

JustAHolyFool Tue 01-Jan-13 18:01:14

BoneyBackJefferson to be fair, I do think he could have just got over it.

Friend: your music is shite.
Husband: that's not a very nice thing to say.

That's really all that needed to happen. The husband is being a bit of a baby, but then I couldn't be arsed sulking with each other all day. My partner and I argue all the time, but I don't think we've ever sulked for longer than about 5 minutes without getting bored.

babyhammock Tue 01-Jan-13 18:05:09

'D'H made comments to OP designed probably to make her feel self conscious about her dancing = not very nice

He then went on to react completely over the top about a running joke between friends.

Sounds like he was in a strop already and just looking for an excuse to go off on one. What a twat.

In your shoes I wouldn't feel like just putting it all behind me either. I reckon he was pissed off about something (you enjoying yourself too much?) and decided to punish you for it.

babyhammock Tue 01-Jan-13 18:06:57

Sorry I meant to ask... does he do this kind of thing a lot?

bamboostalks Tue 01-Jan-13 18:07:02

How embarrassing for you. I'd be livid. Your friend won't forget that in a hurry. Did her dh leave too? Has se contacted you today?

aufaniae Tue 01-Jan-13 18:15:00

YANBU. Your partner behaved like a spoilt child.

In the light of day (and sobriety!) he needs to admit he got it wrong and make amends.

piprabbit Tue 01-Jan-13 18:15:14

As you and your DH were hosting the party at your house, and as the comment made by the friend refers to a running joke, your DH should have been the bigger person, acted like a good host and either ignored the comment, told her jokingly "my house, my music" or pulled himself together after a very short tantrum.

TBH he sounds like he is being an arse, and I have no idea why he is taking it out on you.

BoneyBackJefferson Tue 01-Jan-13 18:15:47

JustAHolyFool

If it was once then yes, maybe he should have gotten over it, but it sounds like this is a joke at the DPs expense, just because the OP sees it as "their thing" doesn't mean that the DP does.

A reaction like this should be discussed, and not in a "you destroyed my party" type of way.

EverybodysSnowyEyed Tue 01-Jan-13 18:17:39

It sounds like a mutual joke and the dh has made the same comment to the friend in the past (not sure f at her house at her party though)

Hesterton Tue 01-Jan-13 18:20:52

Do you think your friend was sharper in tone than usual to him (which he may have picked up) because she was pissed off at him laughing at your dancing and felt loyal to you?

I would feel irritated with a friend's DP if I felt he was deliberately putting her down in public.

HumphreyCobbler Tue 01-Jan-13 18:24:22

I would be livid at my DH if he caused such a scene at a party we were hosting - even if the comment had really upset him, his duty to the other guests was to carry off the situation as gracefully as possible. That is what adults do.

HeathRobinson Tue 01-Jan-13 18:26:34

I think your friend was out of order and that it's a running joke on her part, that he has reluctantly gone along with in the past. Sometimes it's a joke too far.

NewYearWoes Tue 01-Jan-13 18:34:28

To make it clear DH is much more vocal about the shit music than friend - it is definitely not a joke at his expense and like I said previously their tastes are pretty similar so there really isn't an argument to be had. He has definitely said the same to her at their house when they have been hosting dinner/drinks.

I haven't spoken to anyone about it today - friends husband came round earlier to help shift some furniture which had been moved for last night, said friend was still in bed and he was his normal laid back self.

I'm embarrassed and upset that DH behaved like an idiot regardless of whether he was provoked into it and the fact he hasn't seen fit to apologise to me is infuriating and upsetting in equal measures.

babyhammock Tue 01-Jan-13 18:34:34

and IF that's what he was upset about, surely he would have had a quiet moan to either OP or friend. Confiscating the music, ruining the party that OP had worked so hard on, and then having a massive go at OP.... wow

HeathRobinson Tue 01-Jan-13 18:40:49

But if the comment didn't upset him, how do you explain it?

babyhammock Tue 01-Jan-13 18:47:11

just sounds like he was in a 'strop' about something else already. He'd already taken OP to one side to be not very nice about her dancing. Why would you do that confused... its not very nice and then has a massive over reaction to a bit of banter.

Maybe he thought OP was flirting...who knows?... but what he did was very twattish

JustAHolyFool Tue 01-Jan-13 19:13:07

Hrm, missed the bit where he took the piss out of your dancing?

Is this a regular thing or out of character?

People that dish it out but can't take it get right on my tits.

runningforthebusinheels Tue 01-Jan-13 19:17:07

So your dh is allowed to take the piss out of your dancing, but then gets in a strop when your (mutual) friend takes the piss out of his music playlist?

He's now sulking at you for 'not sticking up for him'? Very childish behaviour.

Your dh over-reacted. Big time.

Back2Two Tue 01-Jan-13 19:21:01

Any drugs involved?
They can turn nice people into twunts quite easily.

JustAHolyFool Tue 01-Jan-13 19:58:33

Drink turns people into twats as much as drugs do in my experience.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 02-Jan-13 16:52:12

Twats can also act like twats without any chemical assistance whatsoever

Anniegetyourgun Wed 02-Jan-13 17:11:31

Have to say my twat radar is twitching too. (If that doesn't evoke too disturbing an image.)

Back2Two Thu 03-Jan-13 16:38:30

Is there an update on this thread?

AppearingDignified Thu 03-Jan-13 18:15:12

How's your relationship otherwise? Do you row often?

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Thu 03-Jan-13 19:19:59

grin @ Annie's twat radar

Mine is twitching too - private words to his wife about how she should dance, getting arsey about a long running joke with a friend, stropping off with the music and causing a massive, embarrassing scene that made all his guests feel AWKWAARD, giving his wife the cold shoulder the following day for not defending him when he was behaving like a massive arse...

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 03-Jan-13 19:25:27

My vote is COMPLETE NOBBER. Some women will defend a man's right to behave like this with their last breath, however.

MumVsKids Thu 03-Jan-13 19:45:00

Tbh having read the whole thread, it does sound rather childish sad

And until you said you were 30 something professionals, I assumed you were teenagers, like AF suggested.

Keep on giving each other the silent treatment, it'll make for one of the happiest New Years you've ever had. Or not.

DH and I had a massive row yesterday about me being shouty and nasty with the DCs. I stormed out, went to fetch more milk and calm down. I came back it started again, i ended up in tears and feeling really hurt. Didn't help that I was/am feeling really poorly with cold and ear infection.

However, today is another day. I got up with a fresh head this morning, apologised to DH and he did the same, having been up ALL NIGHT with our 8mo ds, in order to give me a break.

This is what adults do. And believe me I have the potential to give the silent treatment for weeks days.

NewYearWoes Fri 04-Jan-13 15:01:51

A few more details: no drugs involved and yes he has behaved like this before. There is a definite correlation between him drinking and behaving like a twat. Not every time by any stretch but I'd say there is an incident like this every four months or so. Always when we're in a group situ. 

In terms of an update we had a long chat on NY day evening - he claimed that he hadn't spoken to me because he didn't know what to say, and was in his words "ashamed", so instead had just got on with the day (entertaining DC, a couple of DIY chores etc) I got quite cross  and said that was a really crappy excuse for continuing to behave like a twat.

We had a long and very frank conversation about our relationship during which he acknowledged that he was aware that if he behaved like this again I would leave.  He was apologetic (had already apologised to friend by text - as had she in return) and said he recognises he is an idiot when he's drunk and is going to stop drinking.

On Wednesday he came home with a very expensive (and much coveted on my part) gift. He said he'd ordered it before Christmas but I'm not convinced that it wasn't simply a peace offering. Either way it was a nice gesture although I suspect this information will provoke suggestions that he is trying to make me STFU

Yesterday we had a lovely family day out and he made a real effort. We talked as a family about plans for the coming year - what we want to do/achieve  and where we want to go. All quite positive and rounded off by a family game of cluedo grin

In fairness I can't fault him the vast majority of the time, but having done this a number of times before I find that I can't isolate the crappy behaviour when drunk and it impinges on how I feel day to day.

One positive is that one of the couples from the party sent a group email saying that they'd had a lovely time with us all and suggested a regular monthly card/games/drinks evening so it hopefully wasn't as painfully embarrassing as I have imagined it.

newyearletsgoforit Fri 04-Jan-13 17:24:23

This sounds really positive and lets face it, no-ones perfect.

I suggest you have a keyword or phrase just in case the Arselike behaviour starts up at any other gathering where he is drinking, perhaps "Your doing it" in his ear to make him realise he's about to start being a knob.

Agree the phrase beforehand and that it's his trigger to stop what he's about to do. Saves face at the party, stops him making a fool of himself and means you have a good night with no hassles the next day.

Worth a try?

AnyFucker Fri 04-Jan-13 17:32:53

Monthly card games/drinks evening ?

I expect his "twattery" to increase ooh about fourfold then sad

NewYearWoes Fri 04-Jan-13 17:36:03

So what would you suggest AF?

AnyFucker Fri 04-Jan-13 17:42:39

You could try letsgoforit's suggestion

do you think he would listen though ?

you would have to have pinpoint timing because the "whisper in the ear" a drink too late is going to provoke a "fuck off and stop controlling me" response, leading to another ruined social occasion for you

I know you think I am being mean. Maybe I am. But I had a father like your husband who ruined just about every nice time we should have ever had as a family. I never dared invite school friends back because I was ashamed of him. I didn't go on sleepovers because I knew I couldn't reciprocate. It's a shit way to live.

Numberlock Fri 04-Jan-13 17:44:15

He needs to mean it when he says he's going to stop drinking and stick to it... That would be the only way for me.

AnyFucker Fri 04-Jan-13 17:45:07

Incidentally...do you believe he is going to stop drinking ?

joblot Fri 04-Jan-13 17:46:33

I'd be pissed off if my p only made a playlist. Sounds idle and unequal

lolaflores Fri 04-Jan-13 17:48:25

Glad it worked out OP, but don't ever forget how hurt you were and never for a moment think it won't happen again. Just have a plan ready for the next time and try not to be too surprised.
The man has form for it.
How many expensive gifts will it take in 10 years time?
Put the foot down now honey

NewYearWoes Fri 04-Jan-13 17:48:46

And thank you newyearetsgo smile

DH is currently resolute that he will not be drinking at all in the future. He has been on a health kick recently and is running quite seriously so no drinking will tie in with that. He appears to recognise that he uses alcohol as something of a crutch and wants to stop doing so.

I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to do - it would be ridiculous to walk out when he is demonstrating a desire to change and equally I don't want to curtail our joint social life because i) I enjoy it most of the time and ii) well it just seems a massive overreaction.

lolaflores Fri 04-Jan-13 17:54:17

Outcomes NYW's. It is all about outcomes.
You need an outcome for yourself when this occurs again.

In all honesty, is he never going to allow a drink to pass his lips again?

He needs a bit more insight into his behaviour, a little more honesty and humility.

Overreaction? You were embarrased, ashamed and angry with him. But it would seem because every said it was lovely, then its OK. Any chance they were embarrased for you and didn't say anything?

NewYearWoes Fri 04-Jan-13 17:55:25

X posts there.

joblot that is exactly why I was so upset - relatively speaking he had done very little in terms of prep and then he was moaning about a bloody playlist.

Bottom line is things are unequal in terms of those sorts of domestic arrangements, but he works FT and longer hours, my work is PT and flexible so that I guess is how it goes. There is no point me stamping my feet and demanding he take a day off for party prep co it won't happen.

I think he/we are going with the no alcohol vision. I believe he wants not to drink, I have no idea how hard that reality will be.

AF I don't think you're being mean - I just need a practical way forward.

NewYearWoes Fri 04-Jan-13 18:00:04

lola to clarify when I said a massive overreaction I meant it would seem so to effectively cancel our social life. I don't think I overreacted to his behaviour at the party.

I think he will try not to drink again. Laying it on the table here his mother was an alcoholic and I think he despised that side of her. However the life she led is very different to the one we do.

I think he believed that because he was sipping Chablis with his seafood dinner rather than consuming half a bottle of supermarket vodka he wasn't a problem drinker. He appears to have admitted he is

lottiegarbanzo Fri 04-Jan-13 18:02:58

In response to original post, you are right, he's being a child, the phrase that comes to my mind is 'do you want to be right, or do you want to have friends?'. Sometimes we have to choose. So, his taste in music may be 'better' but pushing that point at the expense of the social occasion of which music was only an incidental, contributing part is a classic category error.

Having read the thread, good news that he's looking for the cause of his jumbled priorities, I hope it works.

NotThoughtOfMy2013NNyet Fri 04-Jan-13 20:36:31

This thread is interesting as NewYearsWoes you do seem entirely innocent but it's rarely so black and white. Is there any back story to why he appears to dislike you? Alcohol has a way of bringing subconscious resentment to the surface.

SaraBellumHertz Sat 05-Jan-13 08:37:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SaraBellumHertz Sat 05-Jan-13 08:39:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotThoughtOfMy2013NNyet Sat 05-Jan-13 09:08:35

Ooops. Ask for your posts to be deleted?

If he routinely (every four months) seems to have resentment towards you (you not standing up for him which seems to me to be the cause of the escalation of the tantrum etc) then there might be something bubbling under the surface?

You obviously think his drinking is out of control but both of your reactions exacerbate it. If he's out with friends and you're not there are there any incidents?

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