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So he has finally gone...

(44 Posts)
Littlechangeforthis Tue 01-Jan-13 11:50:37

I have finally told boyfriend of 9 months that it's over. Happy new year eh?

Its not been great for, well most of the time we have been together, I rushed into it too soon after splitting with husband, and him the same. We were a crutch for each other when we had no one else, but I know that I put up with too much because of this.

He was always late, every single time we arranged to meet/him to come over. He is in major financial difficulties due to overspending in th past so I have paid for stuff, more than I could afford, more than I should have done. His ex is still in his life, it felt she was always waiting in the wings.. Ringing and texting 5+ times a day. He would turn up here 3 or 4 times a week, I'd cook a meal, he'd watch tv or play on his phone.. I think on 9 months he did the dishes 3 times maybe?

Then of course there was the incident. He got drunk, we had a row, he punished a hole in my wall and drove off. Still I didn't have the balls to say to him enough is enough. I have cried more this christmas than I have in the past 10 years, because of him, but also because of what I have allowed myself to come. It was my birthday a few days ago.. He ruined it, but still I asked him to come over last night, thinking that maybe we could spend the night together, that it would be nice. He was late, I bought the take away, he drank 2 bottles of wine and was on his fone.

He's checked my emails, he has threatened to "do in" my ex husband (who I have a good relationship with), he has stopped me from going out for tea with a work colleague, kicked off because I didn't tell him that the venue (a local pub) that my work Xmas do was at had hotel rooms... Even though I only went for 1 drink and left. He made me change my phone number because I had 3 texts from a very casual ex asking how I was... Despite me not replying to them.

I needed to get rid of him didn't I? Why do I feel so sad? Ds is with his dad for a few days and I just feel so lonely.

Sorry for the list and the ramble. I just needed to write it all down.

chocolatespiders Tue 01-Jan-13 11:55:28

You have with no doubt done the right thing you feel sad because it is end of something you hoped would be better. Is it sunny where you are? If since I would go out for a walk and clear off the cobwebs.
You will be fine and better off without him.

freeandhappy Tue 01-Jan-13 12:00:50

No contact AT ALL. Detach. In one week you will feel better. In one month you will be flying. Good luck.

ImperialBlether Tue 01-Jan-13 12:02:59

Blimey, he's horrible! Reading that was making my blood boil. Get yourself ready and go for a walk, as chocolatespiders suggests. You will soon feel so much better. You have taken control, you have dumped the bastard and you will be so much better off (in all sorts of ways) in no time.

Happy 2013! I'm so glad you're starting the year without him.

Littlechangeforthis Tue 01-Jan-13 12:03:25

Was just about to text him and check he was ok.

You are right, no contact.

Will get out of bed and go for a walk. Sun is shining here.

House looks like a bomb site but it will wait.

HappyNewHissy Tue 01-Jan-13 12:05:33

OMG, yes of course you did the right thing, you have to ask? smile

You are sad because you hoped he would be normal, he's not. That sadness will lift.

You were in an abusive relationship, one that would be VERY dangerous, one that could have cost you your life. You do see that, don't you?

Typical Abusive Twats take about 2 years for their mask to slip, your's didn't bother to conceal his nastiness. he was at you from the start. These are the most dangerous kinds, as they try to exert control on you when you are less worn down by those that put in the time to erode your confidence/esteem etc. The kind of abuser you have just got shot of have nowhere to go but extreme violence.

Keep talking to us, please? We'll keep you company. You just dodged a massive bullet, you may feel in shock for a while, but it will lift.

If the guy contacts you again, don't reply, just call the Police, every single time. Tell them that he is abusive and that he is harassing you. The Police WILL take it seriously.

new Year, new hope.

BabylonElf Tue 01-Jan-13 12:07:51

You have done absolutely the right thing.

Onwards and upwards, go for that walk, shake the cobwebs away and embrace 2013 with a fresh mind.

Well done you, it would have been easy to carry on in that relationship hoping for it to improve but knowing it was never going to IYSWIM.

Be on your own for a while, be you, get to know yourself again. smile

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 01-Jan-13 12:08:09

Definitely no contact. He sounds horrible. The reason you feel sad is probably because a) you realise you've been compromising your standards for too long, b) you're not angry with him yet, you're pitying him and c) you're alone and having to start over having wasted nine months with the wrong person.

A walk is a great idea.

Op, so sorry for what you have gone through. I too went through a situation not dissimilar only a few days ago.
I am afraid I don't have much good advice, hence I posted on MN myself re this! I have gone through the motions and beginning to see it for what it was, hardest part is admitting it to yourself

I had a series of dates with in suitables before my ex and when he came along he knew me, I knew him, he talked to me, gave me relationship advice (the irony) and was the perfect man. But the good times never lasted. I don't like sound if your ex punching the walk in rage, all too familiar.

It's hard just now. It's true that good times in life never last, but bad times aren't forever either. Stay strong and PM if you ever need to.

Happy new year, and well done x

pictish Tue 01-Jan-13 12:08:52

You have absolutely done the right thing.

If you are getting the wobbles, then I would urge you to keep rereading your post, op.

In black and white the situation is just awful.

Do you have RL friends you can visit today? How about the one you were going to have tea with?

MuthaHubbard Tue 01-Jan-13 12:13:20

You've done the right thing - in fact we both have as I've just started a thread about ending it with my bf last night too!

Happy to hold your hand x

Littlechangeforthis Tue 01-Jan-13 12:15:11

Thanks. Have tears.

Havent/can't talk to anyone on RL about this.

He had his ex to stay a few months ago, didn't tell me. Only found out when I called round to drop something off and she answered the door in her pjs. He lied and lied about that until he was caught out. Although he still maintains she turned up and wouldn't leave so he just let her stay.

What a mug I have been. How could I have brought this man into my sons's life?

He wanted us to have a baby. How ridiculous is that?

Don't do what I've been doing and start outshine yourself and looking for reason where there isn't reason.

Fact being he could , he would and he didbehave like that. You or I wouldn't, yet we accepted this behaviour because we were quite possibility afraid of what it meant if we didn't, and clung into something to have the perfect DP.

We forgot ourselves in this!

Outshine= punish

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Tue 01-Jan-13 12:22:56

Of course he wanted you to have a baby.

Women are way easier to control once you knock them up.

And they do all the work anyway.

Littlechangeforthis Tue 01-Jan-13 12:25:26

Yup. It would have been the biggest mistake for my life.

HappyNewHissy Tue 01-Jan-13 12:27:59

Love, this was not YOU, it was him. Please see that. All you did was trust someone that was trying to con you. That's HIS crime, not yours.

You CAN talk to us about this, and you can talk about him to others, there is no shame in you dumping him for his treatment of you.

Christ, you are 10 years cleverer than ME! Took me all that time AND a child to see him for what he really was, he did a total number on me, so please pat yourself on the back and know that I am so happy that you saved yourself and your son.

If you need a RL voice, why not call Women's Aid and ask THEM what they think of your decision to dump him? Tell them what you have told us and they will say the same.

time to rebuild YOU. You are strong, you are intelligent and you are perceptive.

You spotted unacceptable behaviour, and eventually you called him out on it, you ended it.

Know that you can do this again if you ever needed to, but that as your TwatDar is so well tuned, you will spot the next idiot a mile off. Believe this, cos you actually DID it already!

Look at yourself in the mirror, look at the strong person you are to have done what you needed to do, lick your wounds and then start to think about what is next for you.

I know that seems a bit rushed, but sometimes going in with a defiant, no BS approach means that you don't invest too much Fairytale Ending in what is only a coffee.

Meantime, talk to us. We know what you feel like, and we know how crap it is. It WILL pass, and soon. Promise.

Littlechangeforthis Tue 01-Jan-13 12:36:10

Need to take some time out, for me, and for ds. No more men for a while. Just concentrate on building our happiness, instead of expecting someone else to provide it.

Littlechangeforthis Tue 01-Jan-13 12:57:59

Clothes on, macdonalds coffee and en route to local loch lake for a stroll with music fir company.

I have a fridge full of nice food and wine so tjere is nothing spoiling for a couple of days. Ds home tomorrow night, not back go work until Monday.

I can do this

Schlock Tue 01-Jan-13 13:02:42

You've totally done the right thing. How about not thinking of it as a loss but as a gain? You've gained not having to watch him drink two bottles of wine and text other people on NYE. You've gained not having to stress about him reading your emails. You no longer have to see if he's ok when he probably doesn't do the same for you unless it's to check up and control you.

Happy 2013!

meddie Tue 01-Jan-13 13:07:11

Yes you can do this and I am sitting here yelling 'You go girl'
Congratulations for seeing this man for what he is before you got too deep in.many of us here took years before we had our lightbulb moments.

Leverette Tue 01-Jan-13 13:17:07

Nasty arsehole.

You have TOTALLY done the right thing.

Like Hissy said, many people take a lot longer for the self-preservation to kick in. I am 18 months on from a nervous breakdown resulting from 2.5 yrs with a man who behaved exactly as you describe.

They make you very, very ill in a frightened short space of time.

Very best wishes to you and all of us learning to raise our standards wine

Littlechangeforthis Tue 01-Jan-13 13:44:12

6 texts and a call so far.

"Is it over"

"Are you sure"

"Can I ring you later"

FFS

pictish Tue 01-Jan-13 13:49:02

yes

yes

no

Littlechangeforthis Tue 01-Jan-13 13:51:29

grin

I appear to have done 3 laps of lake.

Feel cold but great.

Now... Chicken pot pie or chicken nachos for dinner? Have meringue drying out in oven and some berries also.

HappyNewHissy Tue 01-Jan-13 13:52:18

DO NOT RESPOND.

What kind of muppet gets told it's over, and then has to ask Is It OVER?

What is WORSE.... "Are you SURE?"

Like you are too dumb to have agonised over it already, and that the words just popped out, unconsidered?

You have a list as long as your arm of reasons why the guy needed to be dumped, real strong, deal breaker reasons, when really even if you just didn't want to go out with him again, that'd be enough.

You have the right to end any relationship you want to, whenever you want to and for whatever reason.

He has to respect that or the term for it is Harassment. A criminal offence.

Do NOT respond.

I had an idiot do this to me for a while, after only a month of seeing him. He had health problems and texted me HELP. (note use of capital letters, and addressing text to me, rather than the easier way of just hitting 9 and 9 and 9 and send on his mobile... hmm

I called the police, gave them his details to have him checked out, as I couldn't leave sleeping 6yo, nor bundle him in the car for 40m journey to someone I didn't want him meeting.

When the eejit continued to call/text me, I called 101 and reported his turning up at my house (never been invited) and leaving a note on my car. Police contacted him and he backed off.

Your guy will not go quietly, so don't be polite and spare his feelings, use a sledge hammer to crack this nut, go in hard, and get someone ELSE to do it for you. Get this shit logged, in case he escalates.

Not trying to scare you, but you have to get this nipped in the bud now. Don't waste a single day thinking about a nice way to do this. No More Nice. OK?

pictish Tue 01-Jan-13 13:52:53

Chicken pot pie. Ot nachos. Both are good comfort foods. Have both! grin

fluffiphlox Tue 01-Jan-13 13:58:36

This 'man' has no redeeming features, from what you say. Why would anyone be sorry to see the back of him? Have a cup of tea and watch a film. Spend some time enjoying your own company. That has to be better than saddling yourself with such an obvious no-hoper. How the heck did you manage 9 months of this charmless git? Don't shed any tears. Goodbye and good riddance.

Loonytoonie Tue 01-Jan-13 14:00:50

Dont know you OP but I'm very proud of you. You've shown such strength. You may wobble in the next few days but keep reading and posting on this thread.

You can do it!

Allergictoironing Tue 01-Jan-13 14:10:05

I assume you are rejecting all his calls? Just don't bother to answer any of his texts either.

ladyWordy Tue 01-Jan-13 14:19:34

Well done Littlechange, and well said, thoughtful posters above.

Please heed Hissy's words. She knows what she's talking about. Do not be nice, do not be gentle. You must indeed cut contact: this is more important than it looks. If you relent, your problems will start to multiply.

The only reason he is seeing his ex is so he can get things from her ... Sex, money, place to stay... And so he can keep messing with her head. This is what he wants to do to you too. And any other vulnerable woman he can find.

So please, stay determined, and keep pointing forward. Congratulations again on breaking free. thanks

do yourself a favour and change your number again. That way he cant contact you.
You will feel better very soon. You have had some great advice, keep strong and dont let this eejit anywhere near you or your DS.

Littlechangeforthis Wed 02-Jan-13 11:35:57

Got suckered in again yesterday. All the "I love you" "I can change" "I want to be with you" "I know I am in the wrong" etc etc and then I realise that he had actually spent the afternoon with his ex, all the while he was messaging me.

When will I learn eh?

17 missed calls and about 20 messages last night before he eventually took the hint.

Hurting. Feel like I am back to square 1 through my own stupidity.

only you can break that cycle. Sometimes it takes a while to learn, but you will get there.

Even the writing on the wall can be difficult to decipher ...

Good Luck. smile

he is playing a game with you, only you can finish this sick game. sad

meddie Wed 02-Jan-13 11:52:29

we all make mistakes, a long as you learn from it. Hold on to how it made you feel when you relented, so that next time he tries, remember how it didn't help and use that to give you the strength to ignore.

Littlechangeforthis Wed 02-Jan-13 11:55:45

I know.

I am so cross with myself. Yesterday I was feeling ok, and here I am again.

I know it's a game. He only wants me when I don't want him, it's like some sick game of cat and mouse. I have told him again that it is over. That I am not interested... He then rings me and says "if you want to be civil to me later then you can call me"... Ffs I don't want to be civil to you, I dont want to call you.

JustFabulous Wed 02-Jan-13 12:00:48

Block his number.
Reject his calls.
Change your number.

You have options.

Anniegetyourgun Wed 02-Jan-13 12:10:53

How extremely kind of him to invite you to call him. Really gracious. Whose number do you call him on for this pleasant chat, his or his alleged ex's?

Thinks: "if you want to be civil" in this context meaning "if you want to grovel and beg him to come back". Funny dictionary this guy uses.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 02-Jan-13 12:28:01

Just stop communicating. No texts, calls, mails... don't pick up the phone if it's his number in the window. He's an aggressive creep and whatever you say or write, he's going to use it to taunt you. If he keeps pestering you, call the police.

Littlechangeforthis Wed 02-Jan-13 12:36:47

You are right.

I don't need this.

Wasted too much time and too many tears on him already. The ironic thing is that to everyone else I am this confident capable woman with a good job, nice home, Independent and sorted. And then there is this. I feel like a feckless teenager. I know that this in an abusive relationship. And I hate myself for putting up with it.

When he punched the wall he had been drinking.. He got in his car and drove away so I called the police. Fortunately he had the sense to abandon car around the corner and walk home, so by the te they caught up with him he passed a breathalyser. What a knob

StuffezLaBouche Wed 02-Jan-13 12:44:23

When he punched the wall he had been drinking.. He got in his car and drove away so I called the police. Fortunately he had the sense to abandon car around the corner and walk home, so by the te they caught up with him he passed a breathalyser. What a knob
This alone indicates someone who a normal, intelligent, person such as yourself should have nothing to do with. FFS, not going to go on a drink driving rant but GRRRR!!!!

Anyway, well done for leaving him. Fuckwits like him HAVE to be getting some form of female attention, so of course he will be spending time with the ex, as you've found out. You're sad because you know you've compromised your standards to such a level... but I swear, once the anger passes and he really is completely out of your life, you will feel so much better.

Oh and have something up your sleeve along the lines of "I am keeping all your unsolicited messages and will not hesitate to report you if this continues. I have made it clear I want nothing to do with you and I don't want to know you." But actually, you're much better of ignoring.

HappyNewSkyebluesapphire Wed 02-Jan-13 12:51:59

Yes, please dont respond to any communication. Reread your original post and think to yourself what you would be saying to a stranger saying that to you...

You can do this. You really don't need this man in your life.

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