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Night Shifts

(47 Posts)
Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain Tue 01-Jan-13 10:10:52

Have started the latest of many many....can't really call it a relationship...
A dating site guy again, seems very kind, very very funny, in the police so has a good job that keeps him busy.
Talked non stop over the last week and he couldn't get enough of me. He suggested we meet up, which we did sat night. We clicked - he basically seduced me with humour, and the sex was pretty fantastic.
I stayed much of the next day with him, and that evening he started a night shift...and since then the contact has dropped off to very little. Again.
Is it the night shift...? Or have I once again, shagged my way out of a good thing?? I realise I sound thoroughly teenage, and I assure you no one would ever know I obsess about this crap, I keep it all locked up in my brain...which I'm sure makes it worse!

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Tue 01-Jan-13 10:17:18

Have I got this right...you spent most of Sunday with him, then he went to work in the evening. He must have got in from work Monday morning and slept the rest of the day. Then got up probably at 5pm to get ready to go to work again, and you're wondering why you haven't heard from him?

You ARE kidding, aren't you?

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Tue 01-Jan-13 10:19:03

Hold on, you haven't even 'not heard from him', just contact has been 'very little'. LISTEN TO YOURSELF!

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain Tue 01-Jan-13 10:24:12

Whoa! Ok. I just wanted a bit of friendly advice, don't really want to be beaten about the head with how stupid I am!

Absoluteeightiesgirl Tue 01-Jan-13 10:29:50

Um..... Why did you sleep with him so soon? I never get that. I know that this is a real grey area with some people saying it is not an issue and others saying it is but..... I am assuming you wish to develop a relationship with someone. Perhaps you need to consider what messages you are giving out. Take things more slowly. You say yourself you have started many, many relationships. Or are they encounters?
That said.....

With all due respect you perhaps need to calm down a bit. You stayed with him most of Sunday, it sounds like he has been in contact, he is working nights..... chill out and find something else to do so you are not obsessing about it all. It sounds to me like their is a pattern to all of this. Perhaps take a look at why this may be the case.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Tue 01-Jan-13 11:05:49

Sorry if I sounded harsh, but seriously, you do need to chill out a bit or he's going to run a mile.

sparklekitty Tue 01-Jan-13 15:42:42

My DH is a PC, night shifts suck. I pretty much don't see/hear from him while he's working nights, part of what you get into being with a policeman (or any other shift worker I guess)

Dont stress

izzyizin Tue 01-Jan-13 15:46:24

the contact has dropped off to very little

How much is 'very little'?

VivaLeBeaver Tue 01-Jan-13 15:50:53

When I'm on nights I don't do anything but sleep and go to work. It's awful, I feel like shit the whole time, don't sleep well, it's like pmt x 100. I wouldn't feel like ringing anyone even for a short chat.

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain Tue 01-Jan-13 16:18:31

A handful of texts in 48 hours. And what he's texting is pretty dull - I feel like he's just sending me stuff while he decides how best to get rid of me.
Which is part of the dreaded pattern, Absoluteightiesgirl. I find signs - whether they exist or not - that the guy has lost interest, and ditch him quick before he has a chance to hurt me.
What I need to do, is as you say, chill out - if he tells me he's not interested, so what? I won't die! But there's something in me that won't let that happen.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Tue 01-Jan-13 21:17:57

Aww, bless ya. I came down hard on you because I make the same mistakes you do. Try reading 'Why Men Love Bitches', or 'The Rules'...they explain why men run when you come on strong. Best of luck. x

bleedingheart Tue 01-Jan-13 21:27:24

It's hard but I think you need to relax a bit. Looking for signs that someone is losing interest and dumping them ASAP is a sad way to live. Say you keep in touch with this guy and he texts and says he had fun but he's not looking for more (or stops texting etc), you're right, you won't die! Who will know? Only you and the man in question.
If you are going to sleep with someone be sure you can handle it if it's a one off I think. ONS are fine but not if you want more.
Good luck!

bleedingheart Tue 01-Jan-13 21:28:24

Oh and I meant to say night shifts csn suck! And turn lots of people into monosyllabic shadows of their former self!

ubik Tue 01-Jan-13 21:31:17

he's probably just tired.

give the man a break

bestsonever Tue 01-Jan-13 21:54:26

Lol, sorry but you come across as a bit obsessive bunny-boiler type. I've just done a nightshift over NY, have made wrong decisions with online dating so got an idea about where going wrong. Yes he may be just after sex (as a high proportion are online). The way to find out is by resisting the temptation to go for it after a fab night out -tempting though it is. Can only sort out those wanting a quick thrill from the others by getting to know them 1st. As far as texting back goes, the man has to sleep sometime FGS. But if I was keen after and recieved a text then I would reply during a break - which could be 4 am or not until days off as a break is not always possible.

hogmanyay Tue 01-Jan-13 21:54:50

I did night shifts fri sat sun night.slept 3 hrs mon. Went bed late last night as NYE . Feel rubbish. If I didn't have kids I would have been asleep most of the time
Do u know how many nights he is doing...
Of course he might hate u cos u kept him awake sun and then he had a nightmare shift! ( joke but as others have said go easy or he'll get majorly pissed off if not getting enough rest) You really go into survival mode or it all goes tits up I,m afraid

bestsonever Tue 01-Jan-13 22:01:44

you got a handful in 2 days when working nights!! Yes he's interested, but sadly you are one mixed up neurotic woman who needs to chill and have a life other than obsessing about men - you would have less time to worry about counting texts if your life was filled elsewhere, and that is seen as more attractive than the way you are going about it.

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain Tue 01-Jan-13 22:18:45

Ouch bestsonever. I don't really see how calling me an obsessive bunny boiler or a mixed up neurotic can be seen as advice, but I guess it takes all sorts on this forum. I'm just a normal 31 year old, trying to make it work with someone new.

Absoluteeightiesgirl Tue 01-Jan-13 22:22:25

You shouldn't really need to be 'trying to make it work' after one date. Relax, put your phone in a draw and go read a book.

MoleyMick Tue 01-Jan-13 22:25:14

My DH does nights. Although he is naturally a night owl so enjoys it, it does play havoc with his social life - he gets home in the early hours still buzzing from work and had breakfast with us, then sleeps til late afternoon, so if someone with that schedule was dating, it would be hard to stay in touch really. Chill grin

Absoluteeightiesgirl Tue 01-Jan-13 22:27:46

Do you think you should be dating? While I accept it can be a minefield it should also be enjoyable. You do not sound like you are having much fun. If you are actively looking for signs that someone has lost interest this will can become a self fulfilling prophecy.

badinage Tue 01-Jan-13 22:27:48

Oh FFS don't beat yourself about having sex and FFFS don't read any books about Bitches and Rules.

If he isn't interested, you'll soon find out and if he's been put off because you had sex, you've had a lucky escape because men who punish women who've had sex with them are misogynists.

MoleyMick Tue 01-Jan-13 22:30:24

Also agree whole-heartedly with badinage!!

Absoluteeightiesgirl Tue 01-Jan-13 22:37:11

How can a man losing interest with a woman after a ONS be perceived as punishing them? A misogynist...really? Or possibly someone who simply had a shag because it was there for the taking.

badinage Tue 01-Jan-13 23:11:55

Because men who are put off by women who are grown-ups and like them, have the sex that they want, when they want it - have absurd double-standards about men and women's sexual rights. If two adults have agreed to have sex, it's fine if one of them doesn't want to take it any further afterwards. It's not fine if the only reason for not continuing the relationship is because a woman has agreed to have sex 'too soon'. These constraints on women's sexual choices are absolutely rooted in misogyny and if a woman has the misfortune to be judged like that by a man she's had sex with, she's better off without him.

Absoluteeightiesgirl Tue 01-Jan-13 23:17:57

I guess it would be impossible to ever know if that was the case. I don't think any bloke would be brave enough to own up to that as a reason for binning someone (unless they were an absolute first rate shit)

hogmanyay Wed 02-Jan-13 16:38:56

But the point is that the decision to have sex on the first date should be based on whether the OP wants to, knowing that a relationship has not really started, not the best idea in many ways as surely there are just too many unknowns but should not be based on whether or not the man views the woman as too available or easy after sex on the first date...... That is an outmoded view and one that has no place now
It's about taking control and making the choice as a mature woman rather than playing games based on what you think the man is expecting or his views on women after sex are.
If he's not happy it shows he isa misogynist and makes no sense

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain Thu 03-Jan-13 07:21:11

I don't know what has happened with this guy. I know he wants some form of contact, because he's initiating it, but he's not suggesting a second date so I have to wonder what the point is.

I guess the bigger issue is no, I'm not enjoying all of the self doubt that comes with dating. Sex on the first date shouldn't be a problem - I got a husband out of it once before! I feel insecure with guys I have dated and not had sex with at all, it's just my personality. I don't know what to do about it though - therapy hasn't done much besides help me understand why I do what I do, it hasn't made me change the cycles. I've tried loads of new activities, I have loads of friends, I live with some lovely people so I'm never on my own....

Looksgoodingravy Thu 03-Jan-13 09:07:19

For what it's worth I think some posters have been a bit harsh with you.

You've already stated this is 'inside your brain' so you're hardly going around being a bunny boiler as to the outside world no-one would know.

You've every right to feel the way you do. Full on and then nothing and even if this person is working a night shift what does it take to send a text? nothing. The fact that the texts are now all pretty bland compared to last week might indicate he's not interested, who knows. It's a position I don't envy you being in OP.

If this were me I'd back off and be as bland replying tbh.

hogmanyay Thu 03-Jan-13 11:16:00

Yes cool off for the time being and keep busy
If he suggests a second date say you can' do anything until the following week, you are busy and have to be organised

VivaLeBeaver Thu 03-Jan-13 11:37:44

Why wait for him to suggest a second date? Blokes can be nervous as well.

Ask him if he fancies going and seeing X film or something and then you know where you are. He either says no and you can move on or he says yes and then you go on a second date and take it from there.

mammadiggingdeep Thu 03-Jan-13 13:25:02

Definitely agree with the idea of taking control! So he says no to another date?! So what?? Onwards to the next guy. You'll feel less insecure about the whole dating game when you start taking back a bit of control. X

mammadiggingdeep Thu 03-Jan-13 13:27:34

Also....nothing wrong with sex on a first date. That's how me and my dp got it together 6 years ago. If you know however, that it adds to your insecurities then maybe it's not for you and you should hold off until you feel a but more secure with a guy

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain Thu 03-Jan-13 18:26:00

Thanks everyone, even the harsher words have been noted.

Ok, I asked. Quite like taking charge, must be the inner control freak! He said of course...and we're meeting next wed after I've finished work. Can't help but keep thinking - am I placing far too much importance on this? Do some people naturally place such importance on forming relationships, or have I got a screw loose and that why it means so much to me...? I don't feel like I have a screw loose!

badinage Thu 03-Jan-13 21:02:18

I don't think you've got a screw loose at all. I'm glad you've taken control of the situation. It was just as much up to you to suggest the second date as him, so it doesn't matter who does it, really it doesn't. You're grown-ups FFS and far too old and sensible to play silly games.

Just take it as it comes. If you need this to be an exclusive relationship, just ask him whether that's what he wants too. If you don't, then enjoy it as a casual relationship.

VivaLeBeaver Thu 03-Jan-13 21:56:48

I don't think you've got a screw loose. But you do sound lie you might be taking it all a bit serious a bit quick. I've been guilty of the same in the past. grin

It does tend to put blokes off though!

Try and enjoy it but be relaxed. I don't mean playing games and acting uninterested to make him keen. I agree that as an adult those sort of games are daft. But if a bloke was texting me loads it would put me off to be honest. I prefer taking things slowly, but that doesn't mean I'm not interested. I think a lot of blokes seem to take this approach.

whateveritakes Thu 03-Jan-13 22:11:38

I wouldn't have sex with someone I really liked until a while into the relationship. I would expect to be doing it on a regular basis in the future and would want to ensure I made the first time nice enough for him to do it again.

However I can do a ONS if I'm not that bothered about a bloke. Why turn it into a men are misogynists?

whateveritakes Thu 03-Jan-13 22:13:46

Blimey this moved on a bit quick!

SorryMyCandyCaneLollipop Thu 03-Jan-13 22:14:13

My BF works rotating shifts and is wrecked when he is on nights.

He also got very upset early on in the relationship as he worried that I was only seeing him for the sex.

Men can be insecure and worry about being used too.

Well done you for taking the initiative and asking him out! Hope you have fun

Night shift sucks. When my Dh did them he worked, slept and ate, he hardly communicated with me and the kids, and we lived in the same house. I just used to shove plates of food and cups of tea in front of him, same as I saw my Mum do for my Step Dad. They are like zombies on auto pilot on nights, especially when the shifts rotate.

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain Fri 04-Jan-13 13:04:02

Urgh. He's a dick.

Nothing much last night, then a text today saying he was too busy for next week.

I'm sorry to say, the text I sent back said. 'Fine. You're not dicking me about - goodbye'

Sad face.

Absoluteeightiesgirl Fri 04-Jan-13 13:18:56

ohhh sweetie..... put it down to experience and dont dwell on.

badinage Fri 04-Jan-13 13:27:33

He's a coward.

Dust yourself down and maybe give dating a break for a short while.

But please don't interpret from this that you shouldn't have slept with him so soon. He wanted to, so did you - it's no big deal. If he's lost interest because you've already had sex, better to find out he's that sort of bloke now than later down the line.

On the other hand, he's entitled to not want to take things further, but not to be dishonest about it and claiming that he hasn't got time to see you.

Yeah he's a Dick! Sorry to hear that OP.

MrsHarryPearce Fri 04-Jan-13 20:06:24

Big deep breath OP. The fact he is 'busy' is not your fault and nothing to do with sleeping with him when you did which was right for you both at the time. You will feel better in a few days and in the meantime just embrace feeling shite knowing you will come out of it stronger. Chin up, sister.

MonetsGardens Fri 04-Jan-13 20:16:30

A dick. You are perfectly entitled to have safe sex with any man that you fancy.

Sadly there are lots of sad men out there who only want sex and are incapable of maintaining anything like normal human interaction afterwards.

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain Sat 05-Jan-13 11:25:14

I just wrote a huge long 'he said, he did' type of message but the reality is, I'm attracting the same guys because I'm needy. I need to stop dating. You're all right. All of my friends say it, my mum says it, my housemates say it but I thought I knew better!

Cold turkey, I guess. It sounds stupid but I'm scared to be without the attention.

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