Mumsnet Talk

The past few months I've been feeling quite unsexual, I'm not finding the need or lust for it, it's just feeling like a chore. We're averaging around once a week, sometimes less, sometimes more. Part of the reason for me is that DP makes a massive deal out of sex. He wants every time to be special, lots of foreplay, lots of kissing and touching up leading to it. That's all very nice but I can't be doing with that every single time, twice a week minimum as he wants it.

He moans on about it every other day, gives me a lecture about how I'm not doing enough, making him feel special and loved and lusted after enough. I totally get how he feels and I feel bad, I want to make him feel lusted after, I'm just not feeling it at the moment.
I've told him to shut up about it for a while and maybe the lust will come back, but no, he keeps on fucking talking about it all the time!

How do we fix this? Sorry for the rant, I'm just so tired of being told everything I already know every day.

Bit of background to add, I was on citalopram for a couple of years which totally killed my libido. I came off them 6 months ago, I got a few months of feeling sexed up again and then it slowly died out again.
He dealt well with the little sex back then, I can see how it's just getting to much for him now

Tell him you fantasize about sticking a dildo up his bum. Funnily enough this shuts DP up, mainly through fear

What's the rest of your relationship like? Does he participate fully in family life, do you feel valued and loved, do you both have time to yourself and together as a couple?

If he goes on about sex and makes it feel like a chore, then he's bound to put you off. That's just mindbogglingly obvious.

I would explain that to him.

Family life is ok, I do 95% of the childcare and housework as I'm a sahm to DS. He works full time running his own company and gets very tired from it.
He has plenty of 'me' time to do as he pleases. I get some 'me' time but not as much as him. Otherwise we get on well together and have enough couple time.

It's just the pressure that puts me off, I don't deal well with pressure, it makes me want to give up.
I don't feel like I can match up to his sex drive so I just don't bother to try. That's bad isn't it.

McPhea, that could soo backfire (pun, lol!). He might like it.
Seriously though, it seems to me that you adapt to the amount of sex you get as time goes on, so when lots happens, libido is up, but then when a dry spell occurs it takes a while to adapt to that but it does happen eventually. I'd guess your dp was used to a certain amount of it but then when you got 'sexed up' he became as rampant, now it's taking time for him to adapt back again. He may get less pestering in a month or so, which could help in some way, but also worth talking to GP, perhaps check your hormone levels and also assess if there are any unhealthy lifestyle choices that could be affecting your libido - exercise gives it a good boost :-)

No, it's understandable. If you feel under pressure to perform, it is hugely off-putting.

Can you be huggy & affectionate without him thinking it has to lead to sex?
Or do you not feel like touching him?

You have to be totally, brutally, (unpleasantly if necessary) honest with him and tell him that all this pressurising and talking is killing what little sex-drive you have left. Remind him that 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'........ and that what would really make you feel warm and fuzzy towards him would be if he stepped up to the plate more at home, gave you more time to relax, kick back, take the apron off and feel like an attractive, valuable woman rather than a drudge and if he could get the difference between 'affection' and 'sex' through his thick skull. You're not a stress-busting sex-toy, you're a human being. No means no rather than 'no means yes if I just keep prodding...'

No ambivalence... straight between the eyes.

How old is your DS? The opposite of sexy is often being 'mumsy'. Easy and understandable to be feeling unsexy when looking after a young child. As children get more independent, the less mumsy one can feel and get back a sense of what it's like to be an independent 'you' with your own needs to think of. Totally understandable, it's why a lot of women have a libido nosedive after childbirth (amongst other factors)

"gives me a lecture about how I'm not doing enough, making him feel special and loved and lusted after enough"

You mean he actually wants a hooker rather than a wife...? Someone who he can pay to say the right things, spread her legs at the right frequency, can turn on the acrobatics when required.... the kind of thing pornos will tell you is utterly normal but which isn't all that normal when you've got the stresses of a young family

I think your DH needs a big reality check

I have though cogito, several times over the past few weeks. I've said the more you keep banging on about it, sending me links to questionnaires you've filled in about why we're not doing it, the more repelled I am.

I can be quite aggressive in my tone and manner sometimes and I know he finds that a big deal. I don't mean to be and I apologise if I've noticed it.

It probably is all my fault, I've built him up to this point. I don't know how to stop or change though

That level of self-obsessed neediness is like a bucket of cold water over the loins! Tell him to stop being a total knob, start treating you like a human being and grow the fuck up!

(Sorry - I just have issues about this from both of my marriages. Probably just one of the reasons why I'm divorced. Twice )

And because you SAH.... so he actually does pay for you effectively.... you're that hooker and are expected to provide the services. You'd be surprised how many men think this way. Often starts after the arrival of DC #1...

Certainly not your fault, any sympathy on could have on his part is rapidly going based on what you say about his appalling behavior.

It's really not abnormal if you get angry at being treated like this. It is a very big deal not to be respected enough by your partner to be left alone when you've said no to sex but to be repeatedly browbeaten until you give in. By apologising and thinking it's your fault you're confirming his view that he's right and you're wrong..... he's paying for you to treat him lustfully X number of times a week so you should come across. Didn't you realise that was in your job description?

Being constantly nagged, harrassed, moaned at and lectured about sex, sure as fuck isn't going to make you want it!!!

Makes it a chore, a job, a duty...an obligation. Makes you feel like you're on trial. Therefore it becomes a massive turn off.

Fact.

.. seems that he is clueless of how to approach the situation. What mature person would actually think that if not getting enough, constant pestering will work- Doh! Perhaps could show him this thread, may make him get the message?

sending me links to questionnaires you've filled in about why we're not doing it

Er... wtf?!

I tell you what, I've been feeling a bit sad and down about still being single when everyone I know in RL has someone, I don't know one single person. Your thread is like a bucket of cold water, shocking me back to sense and gratitude at my single state.

I believe sex is important of course but no one has a RIGHT to it in specified amounts and at certain times and in certain ways just because they are in a relationship with someone.

He sounds exhausting, I bet your heart sinks when he starts his "manoeuvres" into what sounds like a bloody marathon!

My first ex H was like this and twenty years later I still feel stressed when I think of him and his whining and his "rules" for it, getting dressed up etc. I am sure it has impacted on the physical side of my relationships ever since. Funnily enough his second marriage has just ended because "she couldn't keep up" .

Feel free to show him my post so be can understand how unattractive this is and how his behaviour can only ever be putting you off.

So somehow he has to understand that while he clearly has difficulty adapting, women equally can't just flick a switch from being maternal all day and evening long, to sex-godess at bedtime. Especially, if left to look after the children 95% of the time! He needs to help more with that, and making time alone if you have family who can help makes a difference to.

Links to questionnaires.... ?? What does he think this is a court of law where, if he provides enough supporting evidence, expert testimony and harangues the witness for long enough, he will win the day? "Cosmo says you're not shagging me enough so there's your proof so shag me!".... FFS.

When my exH started playing this game the next thing that happened was porn use.... 'See what you made me do!!!' he said. Finally, he set up with someone new because I was 'frigid'. FWIW Subsequent lovers have been struggling to keep up with me. (TMI ) That's when I realised that there was nothing whatsoever wrong with my libido, it was that I didn't want to shag the whining bastard that was HIM. Maybe it's the same for you?

One thing that does help a Dad seem more attractive is when they are seen to be showing genuine affection for the child/ren and investing time in nurturing. If it seems that they are not that interested and hardly bond, it's a total turn off to any mum, because that's when respect dies and grudges are formed,

Well it's been a relief to read your replies!
He has a massive sex drive, he could do it all frigging day given the choice. Whereas I am very particular, I don't like it in the morning as soon as we wake up, I tend not to want it the day after we've had it as I'm fully satisfied, I don't like putting my hand in his boxers to hold his cock as I just feel awkward. I know I am far to fussy and lazy, he doesn't see how greedy and pressurising (is that a word?) he is. He has been very influenced from porn, he can not see that though as he thinks his view is normal.

I think we're just to different. I'm never going to be able to live up to what he wants unless I put my needs second all the time. I wish he could just chill out about it and see how it goes. I honestly think I'd be so much better at it if there wasn't this expectation of me all the time.

Showing him this thread wouldn't make a difference. He thinks mumsnet is full of man hating women.

To be fair to him he has tried to curb his views and need for sex over the years, he can't help the way he thinks. His dad is very sexist and controlling, his mum was rather subservient while she was with his dad. It's built in to him, now matter how hard he tries to change his view of women he will always have it built in deep down that women are there to do as men say.

If he did start showing affection for the children and more of his nurturing side it would simply become another string to his 'why you must shag me' bow. Another argument in his campaign of browbeating... "since I look after the children more that entitles me to sex three times a week"

Good post best
a lightbulb came on above my head

You're all spot on, especially with the questionnaire thing! I've fully admitted I'm not making the effort recently, god knows what seeing a questionnaire confirming it will change about the situation!

" he can't help the way he thinks."

None of us can help the way we think but, because we are intelligent individuals, we learn to suppress destructive thoughts & modify our behaviour to be acceptable to those around us and society in general. If he really thinks women exist to do as men say then get yourself out of the relationship because you're on a very, very slippery slope where you will get no peace, your self-confidence (which is already cracking) will disappear entirely and you'll constantly see yourself as falling short of expectations. That's a recipe for a fucking miserable existence.

It goes beyond the bedroom doesn't it? Men who think this way don't confine their bullying (let's call a spade a spade) to sex. How else does he treat you with contempt and disrespect?

Enough with the 'not making an effort'.... please!!!! I'm sure you make a lot of effort in your life being a mother and whatever else it is you do. Just because you're finding him repellent it doesn't mean you're 'not making an effort'. You are experiencing sexual bullying.... being pressed for sex against your will... it is demeaning, upsetting, frustrating and anxiety-provoking. Nothing to do with 'effort'.

"He has been very influenced from porn, he can not see that though as he thinks his view is normal. "

Told you he really wants a hooker.... and you're nearest.

What Cogito says there.

OP honestly...I can't help but feel you are on a hiding to nothing with this tool.

He moans on about it every other day, gives me a lecture about how I'm not doing enough, making him feel special and loved and lusted after enough

I think this is a huge red flag.
It's all about him.
Does he want to make you feel special at all? Does he do anything to get you in the mood? Doe he ever ask you what might work to want you want it more?

This kind of attitude, of entitledness and pressure, killed what was left of my marriage.
Final straw when he became violent after rejection.

You do need to have a serious conversation with him. Counselling if you think he's just misguided.
See how he responds and go from there.

This has nothing to do with lack of effort OP - it is everything to do with lack of desire.
You don't desire him because he treats you poorly. It's the same for ALL of us!

Oh and he is trying to coerce you into it. He is sexually bullying you.
And you know it.

Stop blaming yourself, and face up to the truth. He's not nice.

My H also had these dicussions with me about 3 - 4 years ago. He explained his feelings and was aware that it was going to make me feel pressured but he said needed to let me know how he was feeling.
At the time I think alot was happening in my life( plus perimenopause + 3 children)
He said we were more like brother and sister. During these talks I found that I couldn't explain why I felt sex wasn't important but I understood what he was saying but then of course I felt really pressured.
Fast forward -moved house 11 months ago and 6 months ago found out that he's been seeing ex girlfriend for 2 years. I knew something was up but denies affair just friendship!
I cannot offer any answers to you all but I now think I should have realised how unhappy he was and it wasn't easy for him to have these conversations. All he wanted was me to be more affectionate. He has admitted that he is more
needy than me but I too realise that I had not put enough effort into us but that does not mean that his actions with ow are justified.
We are now in process of re-building our relationship. It's been tarnished and I'm struggling to put this behind us but I think we owe it to family to try.

He does try to make sure I'm sexually pleased as well. He'll always ask what he can do to please me but there's nothing that would get me in the mood at the moment.

I know it sounds as if he's a horrible person from this thread, but he is very good in other ways and he has toned down his need for sex a lot since we've been together.

I know we don't match anymore, when we first met I would do just about anything in the bedroom and at any time. Since becoming a mum I've changed a lot! I think he just misses the old days, he's just going about all the wrong way.

I am finding myself thinking of leaving more often. We're not right together no matter how hard we try to be. It's sad, I love him so much and I know he loves me ridiculous amounts. I don't want it to be over and I'm trying to hide in denial

Wow, what a cunt.

He sounds extremely similar to my friend's husband. I knew from your first post there would be lots of other red flag-like behaviours and attitudes to follow.

But then Mumsnet is full of man hating old harpies isn't it, so I would say that?

He does try to make sure I'm sexually pleased as well. He'll always ask what he can do to please me but there's nothing that would get me in the mood at the moment.

Giving sexual pleasure and getting someone in the mood are different things.

Could he just stop asking for it and leave the initiative to you?
Could he just cuddle you or let you cuddle him without pursuing it further?
Could you both work on showing affection other than from sex?

Because I bet it would follow for you.

my husband has a higher sex drive than me. particularly since dc. there was a point where he nagged and behaved the way you describe, but after many talks, and tbf many rows, he has stopped. I explained that sex does not equal affection, and it was manipulative of him to accuse me of not giving affection, or not loving him enough, because I didn't want sex. I explained how disrespectful and disgusting it is to pester me. I explained that if he wants a prostitute he can sod off. slowly we worked to a point where we understand one another, we have both had to change (which btw is possible, at what point do you stop excusing an adults behavior because of their childhood? we all have to take responsibility at some point for who we are and what we do and stop excusing ourselves, if I could act the way I was raised I would be a very horrible and an abusive person)

but it sounds as though there Is more wrong in your relationship than this one issue. your husband doesn't sound like an otherwise good man, and you come across as having very low self esteem which this nan is taking advantage of (or gas even perhaps caused)

Wow, he sounds dreadful. Really bullying and overpowering.

My DH would have sex all the time and would definitely like more, the point being is that we both know it but he knows if he bangs on about it he will end up with less because it's repulsive. The only pressure I get is from myself because I know he loves it when we have a good run of sex and I feel bad I can't keep it up. He respects me too much to mention it unless I raise it with him and then it's always done sensitively as he knows being a sahm is tiring and leaves me drained most days, which is why we don't have as much as he'd like.

Like pregnantpause, he used to equate sex with affection but I've explained that some times I just want to be affectionate without him getting all frisky and me feeling bad when I then want to stop/go to sleep. He's finally stopped that line of thinking and as a result we actually have more sex because I know the expectation isn't there and hes not going to strop if a bit of a grope is where it ends.

If he sent me.questionnaires and mithered me in the way your H has been I would have left long before now because I simply wouldn't be able to look at him any longer - he'd make my skin crawl.

I'm female but have been (briefly) in relationships where I was the nagging one. It can be devastating for the partner who is feeling rejected.

You obviously were compatible, in this respect, at previous times and still have many other things in common.

Have you considered a sex therapist? Either together or alone?

It sounds as though you've had physical issues and may now have a few mental blocks (not least because of your husband's reactions), and he isn't viewing it very positively either.

Would spending some time investing in ensuring it is good for both or you be a possibility?

You can just see where this is heading, because it reads like a case study of nearly every awful relationship with a misogynist twat.

Man who uses porn and expects sex to be like that: check
Man who does only 5% of the domestic work and childcare: check
Man who has more 'me time' than his partner: check
Man who aggressively pesters his partner for sex: check

The next stage in the script is that he will be unfaithful and blame you for it - and some daft women even take that blame.

Don't be one of them.

Man who thinks being the sole wage-earner means he owns his SAHW, body and soul, and deserves to get all his own way at all times .... check.

There have been times when I have had a higher sexual drive than a partner and I haven't felt rejected or unloved.

I would if said person sought porn instead or sex with others.
But not lack of libido.

It's the same as respecting that the other person has the flu or is tired.

Lueji I think the problems are that (a) this is a new thing... not the woman he fell madly for, if permanent (which it doesn't sound like it has to be) it would take quite some adjusting too (b) if on-going it isn't like occasional tiredness, it is like (because it is) persistent rejection of advances.

Give the guys a break MN!... If he wasn't talking about sex and how it makes him feel we'd have a go at him for that too.

Give who a break? The OP for being put under such intolerable pressure to 'perform' in the shape of hectoring lectures and the forwarding of questionnaires that she feels forced to withdraw completely? Or shall we give the husband a break for putting her under that sexual pressure, not taking her feelings into account and thinking somehow this is all peachy OK?

There's 'talking about sex' (healthy) and 'browbeating someone into submission about sex' (not healthy). Let's not confuse the two, shall we?