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my husband just threw me across the bed and called me a cunt. help. long, sorry.

(55 Posts)
2013hadbetterbebetterthanthis Mon 31-Dec-12 08:28:52

I have namechanged. I'll try not to drip feed but I'm a bit weirded out. I just need some sensible talk.

H and I have been together for 12 years and married for 6. When we first met he had lots of issues and lost his temper a fair bit, although was never violent. He cut down his drinking, had lots of couselling and seemed to have sorted himself out. He has always been quite quick to temper.. We have 2 children aged 4 and 2. He never shouts at or is aggressive in any way toward them. He does more than his equal share of houswork becuase he can't bear mess - he is almost OCD about it.

I have been noticing lately that he just doesn't seem to like me much. He is very critical (says I am messy, hints that I am lazy, criticises how I look after the children, I dont have sex enough) and always seems grumpy with me. He suffers from depression and says that he is trying hard to fight it and that I should be more understanding of his moods. I have tried very hard to be. He has started criticising me in front of other people, which I find hugely upsetting. This is intersperesed (sp??) with him being saying how much he loves me, checking and re-checking that I will never leave him etc. If I go out he always asks if there will be other men there (when I said how insulting I found this he said it's a 'joke'). I have inwardly said to myself that if things don't improve within a year then I will leave him, because I want to give the treatment and counselling he is having a chance to work.

We both work, me part time. When I work I still get up early with the kids and sort them out before I go. He does not. When I finish work I come home and put them to bed, he does not. This morning DD wanted to get up early and I thought H was getting up with her (he is off work and has been for 11 days). He refused. We had an argument because I was angry that although he has had a holiday I have not had a single lie-in (god, this sounds so pathetic but I'm trying to explain what happened). After some heated debate, but really nothing unusual, he grabbed me by the shoulders, threw me onto the bed and shouted "just fucking go to bed then, you cunt". And I mean really shouted. It hurt my shoulder as he did it, but no bruises left or anything like that. I replied that no, he can go back to bed and I'm going to call a lawyer. (I have no idea how to do that).

I know what I need to do. I really do. But I don't know how, emotionally or practically. I think know exactly how the day will go now: he will apologise, somehow try and make me take responsibility for a break up, and I think he will start using the children, as in saying if I leave him he will try and get custody blah blah blah. Because he'll be angry and nasty. He'll dismiss what happened and deny that he's violent. Not becuase this has happened before but becuase I know him so well.

I know this is what they all do. I know I'm exactly the same as so many other women, but this is my life and it doesn't seem real. I have no savings, no deposit for a flat. I have family or friends I could stay with but I need to minimise the disruption to my children. If I had the money I would be gone already. How sad is that?

I haven't told anyone yet. I need mumsnet help and strength. I'm worried I won't leave him because it's so scary. I'm educated and professional. Noone who knows me would believe I would be in this situation.

What a nightmare - I don't have any practical advice but didn't want to read and run.

You know you're doing the right thing for the three of you.

ArtVandelay Mon 31-Dec-12 08:35:51

Call the police and report an assault. Having the attack on record will be invaluable to getting him out of the house. Really sorry - totally unacceptable.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 31-Dec-12 08:37:46

Oh love, that is awful. You don't deserve to be treated in such an awful way.

I'm glad to hear you know what to do. Because you really do need to leave him. This is abuse, he is abusive, he is damaging to you and your DC (by the model he presents, and I would lay money on the fact that he is undermining their self-confidence too in subtle ways).

Talk to people. Talk to us, talk to your most beloved and trusted friends, talk to your GP if you want to ask for medication or counseling, talk to Women's Aid (0808 2000 247) and to Refuge.

It is possible to leave with no money. Hard, but possible. There's a wonderful thread on here from a mumsnetter giving her insider's account of arriving at a Refuge. So don't discount that option. The temporary disruption to your children's lives will pay off in the short, medium and long term - this has been the experience of all MNers who left their abusers. Children THRIVE in non-abusive environments.

AmberLeaf Mon 31-Dec-12 08:38:07

That sounds awful, Im sorry that you are going through this.

I am no expert, I know others who know more will come on with good practical advice.

You can do this, your life and your childrens lives will be so much nicer without his negativity hanging over you.

Good luck and take care.

BettySuarez Mon 31-Dec-12 08:39:15

I think that the first thing you should do is phone the police. Get it on record that he assaulted you. Don't worry about lack of evidence (bruising). They will believe you and will take this very seriously.

Then tell him to leave

Iggly Mon 31-Dec-12 08:41:23

email women's aid

Who owns your house? Are you near family and friends?

RikersBeardisFresherthanSantas Mon 31-Dec-12 08:41:26

So sorry 2013. I'm sure there will be some lovely folks with tonnes of practical advice, but in the meantime try to stay strong that you k ow what it is you want and need to do next, and don't engage in any dialogue with him. Can you get you and the children out for the day somewhere safe, where you can start making the calls etc you need to?
Sorry you are going through this and wishing you all the best.

Sassee Mon 31-Dec-12 08:41:41

That sounds awful but you sound strong with your head screwed on.

I second the calling of the police. If you want to leave they will hep you access a refuge.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 31-Dec-12 08:45:15

I agree with HotDAMN.... the behaviour you're describing is abusive and I suspect it has been abusive for quite some time. When you first met and he was aggressive did he actually 'sort himself out' or did you modify your behaviour and become more submissive so that he wasn't angry with you so often? Was it you who changed for the worse rather than him changing for the better? Be honest.

Definitely talk to people. Telling friends the truth can make this more 'real' and you may find they've gone through similar. Womens Aid are a good source of information. If you want a family solicitor there is a search function on the Law Society Website here. The CSA website has a maintenance calculator. The www.turn2us.org.uk site has an excellent benefits checker which may reassure you that you wouldn't be destitute.

I'm sure he will go on to apologise, promise to change and so forth. But 12 years of this is plenty to judge someone's personality and, if it's got worse recently, you have to act. If he has anger issues, depression, behavioural problems or whatever, he can work on them in a place of his own rather than subjecting you and your DCs to the fall-out

Good luck

Why do you need to leave, could you ask him to go? Could he go to his mums or something? He sounds nasty and controlling. Thinking of you x

trustissues75 Mon 31-Dec-12 08:50:08

I'm so sorry. Everyone's right - this is abuse and it's not just about this morning. It can be hard to see when you're in the middle of it. I agree contacting the police and your local women's aid would be two good first steps - and women's aid can proably recommend good lawyers too.

Lean on absoloutly every single service and friend/family member who can support you.

Huge hugs to you - it's hard, I've been there, but we were ok in the end.

2013hadbetterbebetterthanthis Mon 31-Dec-12 08:53:42

god, thank you so much. I will call my sister and see if we can go to hers for a couple of days. She will be ultra supportive. I can support myself I think - I have a relatively well paid job so I know I am very lucky. I just don't have cash for a deposit right now, but I might be able to borrow some. Things would be very hard financially but I don't think that would bother me. Its making the first step and dealing with the emotional fall out that I'm scared of.

I want to call my sister but don't want him to hear me. Why is that? I'm actually worried that when he sees me packing my bags he'll physically try to stop me taking the children away.

I can't bring myself to call the police. I just can't but don't know why. I need to make a proper plan. I'm being so pathetic.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 31-Dec-12 08:54:21

Rather than 'ask him to go'.... tell him to go. I think the only response to his aggression is to get him back out of bed, shove a suitcase at him, tell him to fill it with his stuff and to get out of the house. If you think he'd turn violent once challenged get a friend/family member to come round and be with you while you do this. Have someone collect the children. Dial 999 on the phone and have it in your hand ready to press 'send'. Whatever you do take advantage of your shock and anger to remove him... then you can think straight.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 31-Dec-12 08:57:02

Another reason to ask your sister (or the police, or both) to come over rather than you leaving.... By standing up for your right to remain in your home and rejecting him, the power balance shifts towards you and away from him.

Snowfish Mon 31-Dec-12 09:13:41

Get some legal advice. Many good solicitors will give u 30 mins free consultation & it will make u feel much better about ur future in a practical sense. Don't be embarrassed - tell ur close friends - talking helps too. I am going thru the same thing - just 2 months ahead of u. It's very hard to know whether h is ill & needs help with his anger issues/depression or whether the 2 of u just don't work together any more. Either way violence is unacceptable. Keep a diary of outbursts...

TisILeclerc Mon 31-Dec-12 09:16:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsL1984 Mon 31-Dec-12 09:40:53

Get ure sister round to back u up ... Pack his bags and tell him to get to fk!!!! Text ure sister u need her urgently!!!! Well done fr aving courage n strength xx

Do not tell him that you are going anywhere and do not tell him to leave while it is just you and the DCs in the house. I can sense your fear of him from your posts and you are afraid for good reason. I've been where you are now.

Either you pick up the DCs and get in the car in your PJs while he sleeps or wait until later when he is out. If he is going nowhere then get your sister to come and get you. It's all very well saying 'tell him to go' but it's not that simple when you fear for your physical safety.

Sadly the smart girl in a good job is as likely a victim of DV as any. If they can't win an argument because they are not intellectually superior, then brute force will suffice.

Keep posting, you can do this and you will not only survive, you and your DCs will thrive in a stress free environment.

I escaped my situation 21 years ago and I count my blessings every day.

OP keep posting. It will help.
I am over three years on now. Life is so much better.

I left. This was right for me.
Firstly he refused to leave and became aggressive.

Secondly I was able to find a house to rent, sort out benefits etc then present it to him as fait accompli. I didn't have to rely on him to sort anything out, I just did it.

Thirdly it gave me a new start. I didn't have to live in our house, sleep in our bed etc. I slept on a blow up mattress for a while but preferred that.

My house is my house. He has never lived there. I took my clothes, the dcs furniture and toys, a chest of drawers and sofa and armchair that belonged to my parents,a small kitchen table and chairs (i left the dining table) and my 'nice' cookware. I bought a cheap plateset when I first moved and have gradually got other stuff as I've gone on. I 'survived' with the essentials for a while and have a far smaller house but for me it was so worth it.

Good luck whichever route you take, making the decision that it has to end is that hardest part so you're already over the biggest hurdle. It only gets easier from there.

DontYouJingleMyChristingle Mon 31-Dec-12 09:49:19

Why should he get to stay while you uproot your kids after what he has done?

I know you are hurting right now, but you need to get angry and use that anger to help you stay strong.

The Police will be very supportive, call them and your sister.

TrazzleMISTLEtoes Mon 31-Dec-12 09:52:17

I have nothing to add except that I am proud of you for being so strong. You can do this.

I've been in your situation and would urge you to tell people in real life so that you can garner physical support if you are afraid of him. I had a friend drive 200 miles in a rented van to come and help me escape - it would have been so much more difficult without her.

Keep posting on here too - after suppressing your feelings for so long, you need to vent.

Be strong for your children, if you can't be for you. He'll turn on them next if you don't get them out of there.

LurcioLovesFrankie Mon 31-Dec-12 10:27:18

The police will help you. I had a friend with an abusive landlady, who wouldn't allow her back into the flat to collect her possessions. The police came with us while we packed her stuff into a transit van. Better still, in your case, they can remove him for a few days while you get time to get a restraining order in place.

dequoisagitil Mon 31-Dec-12 10:27:44

At 4 & 2, your dc are unlikely to be much affected by the disruption of moving or staying somewhere else for a while - as long as they have you as their constant, they will be ok. It's not like they have school or life-long friends to worry about - they're very adaptable at these ages and won't remember much in the long-term. It's brilliant in fact that you've come to this realisation before they've seen too many more years of this relationship.

If it's easier for you to go rather than confront him & try to get him to leave, then just go.

tribpot Mon 31-Dec-12 10:34:34

Get someone to be in the house with you whilst you pack. This should have a couple of benefits at least:
- he will be shamed into behaving
- you won't be able to back down

and the kids consequently won't have to deal with a horrendous atmosphere in the time it takes to pack.

Call your sister - that is the important first step.

In time you will almost certainly wish you had notified the police of the assault. It's worth thinking about doing later today when you are safe, if you can't face it right now.

2013hadbetterbebetterthanthis Mon 31-Dec-12 12:40:28

thank you all. I am so tired. I've told him he needs to go out so I have time to think. He says lots of things, lots of apologies, pleading, crying etc. He says he'll change etc etc. He also says it's been blown out of proportion, that there was no violent intent. That he isn't a 'wife beater'. That I shouldn't split up our family. That he's having counselling and will get better.

I just want him to go out so I can think straight.

You poor bloody thing.

You could try saying you want to separate, and if he starts to get angry/violent/etc then suggest a 'trial separation' instead.

This might get him out of the house for long enough for you to catch your breath.

pictish Mon 31-Dec-12 12:57:10

Oh God. This is all shades of so wrong.

He's a waste of time OP. This is how he behaves towards you simply because you want (and deserve) a lie in??!!

He is a piece of work.

Leave.

Lueji Mon 31-Dec-12 13:07:39

He's refusing to accept responsibility and that is all you need to know.

Please do report it to the police or at the very least go to a doctor.

FlojoHoHoHo Mon 31-Dec-12 13:08:34

Has he gone out?
As soon as he does quickly pack and leave, otherwise text your sister or whoever and ask them to come round urgently and then leave him.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Mon 31-Dec-12 13:13:03

Get him to go out then leave while he is out. It may seem mean, but you have to put you and your children before him.

BettySuarez Mon 31-Dec-12 13:18:45

Lease call the police first and foremost and get friends family over as soon as possible.

Your husband is all of the things he is claiming not to be and he will never ever change.

It sounds as if things have escalated recently so you and your children are in increasing danger.

You need to stop this now

Daisylynn Mon 31-Dec-12 14:55:35

I just read your post twice because it sounds like something I would've wrote. My kids are now 17 and 19 (twins) though. I too was with my ex for 18 yrs and I have been out if the house for 3 years now almost to the day. I should've left more than 5 yrs ago but like you I had no means to afford to. I too knew I needed to go and things progressively got worse as I stayed. I even went to a shelter with the kids but went back.
My point is this. When I left my kids were 16 and 14. I thought at that age that it would be easier. My daughter stayed with him and she still does and the twins lived on and off with me and now live with their girlfriends parents. My ex is so bitter now and now I rarely see the kids. If I had left sooner and insisted on having the kids with me I would've had a chance to bring some happiness to their lives. My ex has money and I have a very fixed income. He now buys their love and I cannot compete. Had I left sooner I would've been able to show them that he cannot control me or them but it is too late. He controls them by providing them with cars, loans, toys, etc. I cannot do this for them nor do I want to. He is very manipulating and uses these material things to keep them from me.
If you can find a way to get away from him, do it! And take the children with you. Give him visitation rights but that's it. Teach them not to be like him. His OCD and jealousy and putting you down is all a form of control to keep you grounded with him and to decrease your confidence so that you will stay. Calling you a cunt and throwing you in the bed is not acceptable. I know it's hard to stand up to him, I've been there so you have to leave. Get professional help and do not get into another relationship for at least 1 yr if not longer. I am speaking from experience.
I hope that you keep talking on here. Your voice needs to be heard. Don't let this slip away... LEAVE HIM!!!

2013hadbetterbebetterthanthis Mon 31-Dec-12 16:04:13

so he's still here. He keeps asking me to talk, and what I'm thinking. I have told him that if he won't go out then he can at least leave me alone. He's slid off upstairs now.

pictish you're right. He's a fucking piece of work. While I was upstairs he rang my mum and sister to 'explain' things to them. Is that mental? I assume it was him telling them what a great guy he is. I haven't spoken to them yet.

OK. I'm feeling quite strong now. It comes in waves. The problem is he's not behaving like a bad person right now - and I know that's what they do, but when it's your partner of over a decade it is very difficult to just throw everything into chaos.

So not that strong then, really.

Your comments are really helping me, honestly, so thanks.

Sunnywithshowers Mon 31-Dec-12 16:15:30

Hello lovely
There's no excuse for throwing you across the bed. None whatever.
I would definitely report to the police.

tribpot Mon 31-Dec-12 16:21:58

So he's demonstrating his respect for you by refusing to do the one thing you have asked him to - go out.

He's also phoned your family to get his version of events in first, to try and undermine any attempt you make to see support.

Is he just reading from the ABC Book of How to be an Abuser?

Stick to your original plan - ask your sister if you can go and stay there. What he's told her is irrelevant.

BluelightsAndSirens Mon 31-Dec-12 16:25:00

He called your mum and sister so he could cover his tracks, he will blame you.

I wonder why they haven't tried to contact you?

He is being very controlling, if you let him win this one that will look like you are consenting to being treated like this, no respect for you or the DC.

You need to ideally get him to leave so he can feel the full effect of his actions.

financialwizard Mon 31-Dec-12 16:42:42

2013 please call the police and log the incident. They need to know you are a victim of domestic violence so that at the very least if they get a call to your house they know it is important. It would also be easier to get an occupation order if that is what it is still called

After calling the Police call your Sister, and either get her to help you kick him out or ask if you can stay with her until you can sort something more permanent.

JonTheNonMum Mon 31-Dec-12 16:43:55

My first post on mumsnet... read so much over the past few weeks which has helped me so much... This is the first thread I have felt i have to reply to.

I'm a police officer with significant experience in domestic violence - I am not going to tell you to report it to the police, that is a decision you have to make... But i want to assure you they will support you, they will ensure you have space to think, they will put you in touch will people that can help you long term to rebuild - if that is what you chose to do, they will protect you in the short term.

My view for what it is worth: He has physically assaulted you as well as everything else - this is completely unacceptable both for you and your children. You don't need him. It's easy for me to say - so much harder to do.

If there is anything I can do to help explain what the police will do or anything at all let me know. I hope you do the right thing for you and your children.

Lueji Mon 31-Dec-12 16:52:09

He is being a bad person.

He's calling your relatives behind your back, he's not going out and he's not repentant, or even recognising what he did as bad.

BettySuarez Mon 31-Dec-12 17:00:09

JonTheNonMum - welcome to mumsnet smile

I think that your post is so incredibly important for the OP and for others going through the same thing

Bless you for posting xx

JonTheNonMum Mon 31-Dec-12 17:13:03

Thanks Betty - have felt very selfish so many times at 3am taking solace from others who take the time to post about the problems I am experiencing with ds but never felt I could give much back until I read this.

It's terrible but this is such a common occurrence - physical abuse followed by regret, remorse and manipulation which makes everything better until next time. I hope things work out for op whatever decision she takes.

TalkativeJim Mon 31-Dec-12 17:16:51

OP, after everything you have said about the relationship in general and the kind of man he is, in addition to what has just happened, I think that the biggest mistake you are about to make is not calling the police and logging this incident.

You have already outlined the kind of manipulation you expect him to use, and the denial of violence you expect him to make, to try and downplay this and prevent you leaving him (if that's the way you want to go). You've also said you'd fully expect him to try the old 'I'll go for custody' card to also bully you into staying.

So why, when he has just made the biggest mistake of all, done the one thing which would more or less stop him from having access to all these weapons against you, WHY are you about to shoot yourself in the foot and help him to maintain that power over you?

Please go with the children to your sister's and call the police from there. So your H has called them already? Don't think anything he's said to them is going to have as much impact as you arriving and saying, first thing I need to do is call the police and report his violence. On the other hand, turning up and saying, he assaulted me but I don't want to report it - a bit different.

Look forward to the discussions you will have with him after this. Going to be a bit difficult for him to sneer at you that he isn't violent when he's just been cautioned for assault, isn't it? You won't even have to argue the point with him.

Oh, and threatening you with going for custody? All you'll have to say, quite calmly, is that with domestic violence in the frame, unfortunately it's more likely to be a question of whether he gets unsupervised contact when you split. Custody? Not a chance, and if he were to rock up at his solicitors some way down the line thinking that would be a useful tactic to try and bring you into line, he'd be told where to go.

All that power to you, and more to the point a way of possibly preventing a whole load of extra harassment and hassle IF you split, just by making that call.

Please log this incident and start defending yourself against this bully. You will need to, no matter what outcome you hope for.

BettySuarez Mon 31-Dec-12 17:20:47

If he is making threats re custody of the children then all the more reason why you should log incident with police.

They will believe you

You don't need evidence

They will give you the time and the space you need to think and make plans

Please listen to us OP sad

Googol Mon 31-Dec-12 17:52:30

Has he phoned your mum before to 'explain the situation'?

My toxic mother used this technique to put herself in a good light while damaging my reputation and version of events at the same time. She had been doing this for years without me realising so most of my family think I'm nuts. She's a master manipulater, all said under the 'I'm so worried about googol' line.

Ask your mum what he's been saying first. It sounds like he's primed them to doubt what you say about him.

Empross76 Mon 31-Dec-12 18:46:04

Hi there,
Really sorry this has happened to you. Thought it was worth asking as most of the posts seem to be saying the same thing...

Do you want the relationship to end over this incident? I think you said in your original post that he has never been violent before and that, as he is trying to sort his depression, you had been thinking along the lines of staying in the relationship while he does this to see if it improves things.

If this incident has changed things and you can see no way back then fair enough. But if the relationship is worth fighting for and you think that if the depression goes it would alter your feelings towards your husband for the better, then I would stick at it. Use what happened today to make a stand and act as a 'short, sharp shock' (for want of a better phrase) for your husband to sort himself out.

I've not been on mumsnet long but what I have observed is that most threads similar to these are full of 'leave him' and don't seem to have many other opinions. I know I'm likely to make myself unpopular, but thought another opinion/option may be helpful.

Good luck with whatever, either way I'm sure it'll be a tough few days so thinking of you.

izzyizin Mon 31-Dec-12 19:23:14

when it's your partner of over a decade it is very difficult to just throw everything into chaos

The 'chaos' is in your marriage and having him gone from the marital home will give you opportunity to restore order.

Please act on Cogito's advice; if you are harbouring any fond thoughts of bringing about positive change in your relationship, you must first ensure that the balance of power shifts in your favour and this will only be achieved when you seize control and make it clear to him that he no longer gets to dictate terms.

In subjecting you to physical assault, he has forfeited the right to stay in your home. If he does not agree to leave the police will remove him and, despite any lack of visible injury to your person, they will take this matter seriously.

This is an auspicious day to draw a line in the sand; to take stock of the recent past and to change your ways - those subservient anything-for-a-quiet-life treading on eggshells ways that have enabled him to dominate and control you - and his unreasonableness and bad temper will become even more pronounced if you let him get away with throwing you around.

Read Daisyanns response of 14.55 together with her current post on this board and take steps to ensure that what's happened to her and her dc can never happen to you and yours.

FreudianLisp Mon 31-Dec-12 19:49:19

OP, other people can give you much better advice than I can about the legal and practical side of it, but I just wanted to pick you up on one thing: earlier, you called yourself pathetic. From everything you've written, it's abundantly clear that you're not remotely pathetic. What you're trying to do is hard and scary. Anyone would find it hard. That doesn't make you pathetic. Good luck. One day you'll be one of the many people on this board saying 'I did it and my life is so much better now.'

Good luck.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Wed 02-Jan-13 12:57:07

How are things, 2013 ?

2013hadbetterbebetterthanthis Thu 03-Jan-13 18:17:06

Hello, thank you all. Well, he's gone, albeit only temporarily. He's at his mum's which is 100 miles away. I won't bore you with the details but after much jaw-jaw I have told him that I don't believe that I will ever be able to get past what he did, let alone respect, love him etc etc. He is very sad, as am I. He's gone for 2 weeks which will give me time to get my head in order at least, and prepare for a final decision. I am trying very hard to make a good decision for me and my children, and I have to make sure that I make it myself without influence, because I am the one who has to live with the consequences of that decision forever.

I feel fine though. I can't thank you all enough for listening.

ImperialBlether Thu 03-Jan-13 18:19:34

Good for you. He needed to be told that. You must feel you're walking on eggshells, living with him.

MalibuStac Thu 03-Jan-13 18:29:47

Just read you thread and wishing you strength to keep doing what your doing.

JonTheNonMum Thu 03-Jan-13 19:28:48

Well done. The decision you will make will be the right one for you - you have done everything right giving yourself space and time to think.

mathsconundrum Thu 03-Jan-13 20:21:53

Am really pleased for you. His behaviour was outrageous and inexcusable.

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