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H has been having an affair since July ..

(198 Posts)
crazygracieuk Mon 31-Dec-12 06:52:36

And I've thrown him out. What happens next?

We have 3 kids and known each other for 17 years.

His behaviour has been textbook and I don't know what to do.

Children know and Mil knows. She was also cheated on and gave me the advice not to act rashly. Is this good or not?

Can someone hold my hand? Will I ever stop crying?

FellatioNelson Mon 31-Dec-12 06:55:23

Yes you will, and I think you are entitled to act rashly. If you want to try to understand why it happened and have him back eventually, with some caveats then that is your prerogative, but at the moment your MIL is thinking of her little boy and not of you.

balotelli Mon 31-Dec-12 07:01:19

Yes you will stop crying. It will take time but you will be able to hold your head up high and say ...... " I did the right thing"

Your DC will not hate you for it. Never slag him off in front of them but explain why if they ask, they will understand.

Eventually you will find peace and happiness. but it will take time. You may sink lower than you are now, I did but I am now in a better place than I could ever have hoped for.

You know you did the right thing but please do not give into his pleading and begging. You have thrown him out, now keep him out.

Good luck.

crazygracieuk Mon 31-Dec-12 07:04:41

Thanks. I did wonder if it was a possibility.

She said to put myself in a strong position with regards to work, money etc and to ignore what he wants. She found out about her h more than 25 years ago and it destroyed her family. Dh has destroyed ours but I need to make sure that the children are not too traumatised.

scaevola Mon 31-Dec-12 07:18:10

Acting rashly would, to me, mean deciding now (when in shock and crisis mode) whether you can reconcile with your unfaithful H or if the marriage is over.

Knowing your financial and admin options in case you divorce is prudent.

Taking time away from him to really think about who he is what he's done, and more importantly who you are and what you want in your future, is important in working out whether to mend or end.

howdoyouknowjenny Mon 31-Dec-12 07:42:48

When this happened to me and my exdh earlier this year, I made an initial appointment with relate for the following week. We had 2 further appointments with them. It gave me an opportunity to see things clearly removing some of the emotion from the situation.

Before the 4th appointment I had decided that I did not want to continue with my marriage. Once I made this decision I felt like a weight was off and I could concentrate on getting myself into a better place and taking care of my baby ds.

Life is a lot better for me now despite my rash decision! I think that if you seek some counselling just to get some understanding about the situation you are now in you will quite quickly work out what is best for you and can then put plans in place to work on your marriage or to separate.

crazygracieuk Mon 31-Dec-12 07:43:13

I've been looking on the Internet about the money side. That was easy.

How do I know mend or end? I'm thinking probably end but how do J know its the right thing to do??

crazygracieuk Mon 31-Dec-12 07:44:14

Counselling sounds like a great idea. Could really do with objective help.

shriekingnora Mon 31-Dec-12 07:53:09

How about taking pressure off yourself and postponing making a decision? Make a plan of action that will put you in the best position possible to decide. Have counselling, have time apart, do good things for yourself, try to eat properly and sleep, accept all offers of help with the kids etc

You don't say if he wants to reconcile or not. Is he still living in the family home?

crazygracieuk Mon 31-Dec-12 07:59:33

He's not living here. He says not at ow house but I don't know.

He said he liked living here and having his bit on the side so I've told him to fuck off and leave.

They email each other 50 Shades of Grey style which makes me vomit. Last summer dh bought me a copy and I told him that I thought the content was shit and the relationship was abusive and shit. I'd love to post it on here so you can all vomit but that might be too hasty.

crazygracieuk Mon 31-Dec-12 08:01:56

About 50 shades- h and I have done far kinkier stuff and I told him this and we had a good giggle over the stuff we've done. Can't believe "Someone in the office is a fan" was short for "My gf is dumb enough to think it's hot"

shriekingnora Mon 31-Dec-12 08:02:45

End. What a twat.

shriekingnora Mon 31-Dec-12 08:03:37

xpost but even more definite now.

crazygracieuk Mon 31-Dec-12 08:08:55

He is a twat

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 31-Dec-12 08:10:27

'Rashly' IME is to let a cheat back in your life just because they say 'whoops, sorry'... although I suspect MIL's perspective is skewed. If the cheat is her DS and she put up with similar from her DH for 25 years she may think 'rash' is not to sacrifice your self-respect the way she did.

If he said he liked living with you and shagging around then dumping the nasty little man seems the right way to go. But take your time, get all the information and manage the transition so that you and your DCs are always #1 priority. He has no respect for you whatsoever.

shriekingnora Mon 31-Dec-12 08:10:43

sad sorry op. Doesn't sound like fun but maybe it's a good time to decide - out with the old, in with the new. Start 2013 as you mean to go on and leave room in your life for love and kindness.

crazygracieuk Mon 31-Dec-12 08:14:16

I don't think it can be saved.

But I want to minimise trauma on the kids. We are gonna be busy tomorrow in the hope that we can forget for a while.

crazygracieuk Mon 31-Dec-12 08:15:58

No apology yet. Another reason why it's fucked.

shriekingnora Mon 31-Dec-12 08:17:09

How old are your DC? No apology indicates he doesn't want to reconcile anyway, so there doesn't seem any point wasting your time trying.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 31-Dec-12 08:37:24

Children are far more resilient than you think, provided you reassure them that they are loved, that the break-up is not their fault, and provided you keep them informed rather than in the dark where they can make up their own version of the truth. Children are very self-oriented for obvious reasons and what they want to know is what will change and what will stay the same for them personally. Will they be going to the same school? Moving house? Staying with Dad for the weekend? If you manage those kinds of issues sensitively between you, the children should be OK. What certainly is traumatising for children is staying in a home where Mum & Dad are at each other's throats or treating each other with contempt and disrespect .... far more damaging

crazygracieuk Mon 31-Dec-12 08:43:57


I was planning on keeping them at their current schools (secondary and primary) but knowing h he won't commit to access times. I suppose it depends on whether he moves in with her. She doesn't have kids so it'll be a shock for her [evil] and their cosy love nest.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 31-Dec-12 09:01:54

If H won't commit to access times and be reasonable about giving his children the security of a reliable schedule, there's no access. If H won't agree to do this amicably, you do it through a solicitor. If he neglects or upsets his children because he's too absorbed in a new relationship, he forfeits the right to be 'Dear Old Dad'.

This is what I mean about putting you and the DCs #1 priority. I know it's early days but this man is no longer your friend, partner, confidante, lover etc.... he's just some idiot bloke who has to fit around your life and your DCs' lives now.

DragonMamma Mon 31-Dec-12 09:06:34

Sorry your going through this sad

The fact he hasn't even apologised speaks volumes, he sounds dreadful.

Good luck with getting your life in order, take Cogito's advice and don't deal with any crap around access to the DCs, there's no reason this has to irreparably screw your kids up if he behaves like an adult about it.

aftereight Mon 31-Dec-12 09:26:02

So sorry to hear this.
I'm guessing you are still in shock, for me that and the adrenaline lasted over two weeks.
I actially think your MIL's advice is quite sound - don't make any definite decisions about the future, and try to consolidate your positiin as an independent person, both financially and practically.
Your DH's lack of remorse is a very good reason to keep him at arms length.
Books to (both) consider reading: Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, and Parenting Apart by Christina McGhee.

I am now six weeks down the road, and I have stopped crying every day. Still hurts like hell, but am taking the advice to look after myself, do nice stuff, and to prioritise my own and DCs' needs only. I am about to put together a plan for 2013, and a list of my medium to long term life goals, as I want to start to tentatively consider the future, either with or without my H.

Mrsgorgeous Mon 31-Dec-12 09:31:48

It happened to me too back in February.

I still cry, but not so often and so things do get easier.

You will get a lot of support and advice here and it does help to know that you're not the only one going through this hell.

Trust plays a huge factor in deciding you're future now. Could you ever trust him again? Also you need to be a good role model for your children.

Wishing you luck x

crazygracieuk Mon 31-Dec-12 09:41:12

I could accept a one night stand but this is more- complete with vomit inducing gushy emails written like 50 shades.

At the moment I want closure and some sort of revenge where he feels as shit as me but I don't want to go to prison so it's a no-go really.

Thanks for the advice about putting me and the kids first. I might treat them to Dominos tonight to celebrate NYE.

crazygracieuk Mon 31-Dec-12 09:42:31

I can't imagine him passing away being this painful. I am pissed off at the tears I've shed. I deserve better.

madgered Mon 31-Dec-12 10:15:48

The same thing has just happened to me. I found out on Christmas day, when I stumbled on his phone - something compelled me to look- and I saw all the messages. He bought her a Links bracelet for Christmas. I went ballistic and I'm so, so gutted to tell you, my DC heard it all. he's obviously denying the whole thing and says it was a flirtation and I'm making it all up. my children believe him and now I'm the bad guy! Im not saying anything to the kiddies, Im trying to be strong and loving in their presence.

I wake up at 3am every morning and brood. I sob in the shower and as soon as it stops bloomin raining, ill be going on long walks.

he has crossed the line and his toxicity has affected everyone. he's still in the house with us and refuses to move out. I assume one of his friends told him to stay, for legal reasons. It's Horrendous . I'm going to end it as soon as this holiday hell is over.

Sometimes you have to let this go. Staying in a situation and trying to patch it up when it's obvious that you DH isn't in to it, is psychological self mutilation.

Mrsgorgeous Mon 31-Dec-12 10:16:29

You do deserve better. The emails that I read were sickening too especially the one she wrote him on valentines day...all gushing and ending with that she was going to have a. T shirt printed AAP 4 JPH 4EVA......I couldn't believe it! This was MY husband.

Crying is a natural process; you vent all the emotions this way,the grief anger and humiliation. It is like a grieving for someone who has died but so much harder because that person is still alive and leading a life away from you. It's the shock and betrayal of the person you trusted the most deceiving you. I know , I've been there, am still there sometimes....

Nitty gritty bits to consider, (sorry) ..get yourself checked out at a clinic, not nice but essential. See your doctor who might be able to arrange some counselling for you.

HisstletoeAndWhine Mon 31-Dec-12 10:42:59

There is never a good time to uncover this kind of betrayal, but Christma has to be especially hurtful.

I'm so sorry you have to go through all this, kicking him out is the best thing to do for now, he won't see what he's losing otherwise.

Even if a cheating twat is refusing to leave, the fact that you are demanding he get out goes a long way into stating how unacceptable he and his behaviour is.

It will get easier.

crazygracieuk Mon 31-Dec-12 12:24:41

He's on his way round to get some stuff. 11 year old ds is going to let him in while I hide at Morrisons. I asked him to chat to the kids and answer their questions and reassure them. We shall see what happens.

Ds found ow on Facebook and assures me that she's not as pretty as me bless. He's usually a moody pre-teen but he's been a big help. I feel confident that everything will be ok without h.

He has now accepted responsibility and that he has been gaslighting me. I don't think I want him any more but closure would be nice. (It's too raw to go through it today.)

Part of me is laughing at the tacky 50shades thing and how textbook his behaviour has been. I should have posted in July and you would have all guessed that he was having an affair.

crazygracieuk Mon 31-Dec-12 12:25:23

Ow is called Christa - so close to the word Christmas. Spooky!

PhoebeGreen Mon 31-Dec-12 12:30:22

So sorry you're going through this.
Keep in mind that you don't need to make any decisions according to any timescale.
You can decide something, then change your mind, then change again.
What is most important right now is you and your children.
Your H has lost the right to be a top priority.
Keep posting - we're here for you.

crazygracieuk Mon 31-Dec-12 12:51:04

Thank you. I was feeling alone but the support has been amazing.

sarahseashell Mon 31-Dec-12 13:12:32

OP my heart goes out to you. I too have been there. Better to throw him out and let him try to worm his way back than keep hanging on in this situation IMO. I think it's very hard to get past something like this though tbh. I got divorced and now several years on have never been happier. I wouldn't have believed that at the time. Keep posting on here the support is fantastic. Dreadful position to be in but you will get through it I promise. Best of luck to you and your dcs

crazygracieuk Tue 01-Jan-13 01:17:03

He came round, we talked and he left.

The children and I kept busy and hate a Dominos for supper. Dh texted the kids and is going to pick them up tomorrow morning. He spent the evening texting them. Apparently his new year resolutions are to stop biting his nails and spend more time with the kids. We shall see on that last one.

I think he's an arse but I know that I will be ok without him.

I have a copies of a bunch of their emails. Ow called me today and begged me not to make them public. I laughed and hung up. She got h to ask me too. I'd like to destroy them in a symbolic way (maybe dumping on a printout?) but Im not going to delete them yet. Ow is married with no kids. At least her h gets a clean break.

I like to think Im behaving with dignity and poise but part of me wants to go crazy. He's broken my heart and I have to sort out a trip to the docs to check for stds- nice!

izzyizin Tue 01-Jan-13 01:59:18

The ow called you? He gave her your contact details? shock

Keep their emails in the family, so to speak, by sharing them with her dh and us.

crazygracieuk Tue 01-Jan-13 02:28:25

So tempted to post their emails but they'd probably end up making someone rich with the 50 shades of shite content.

I've never been to a sexual health clinic and a bit worried that I'll be judged as a junkie or something. Is it blood tests? Urine?

vole3 Tue 01-Jan-13 06:39:55

I'm sorry for what you and your DC are going through.
Having been there himself you would have hoped that H would not have chosen that path for his children.

Totally agree with Cogit regarding changing his status in your head from friend. He wasn't being your partner & friend when he started the affair and you shouldn't consider his needs in a 'friendly' manner now you have some tough decisions to make.

First and foremost take care of you, if you are OK, DC will be.

arthriticfingers Tue 01-Jan-13 09:18:40

However tempting, please don't make the emails public. Not because that would hurt them - but because it would certainly hurt you and bring no benefit whatsoever to you or the children.
You can, of course, keep them thinking that you might ... wink
You can also share them here so we can all have a good laugh give suitable advice.
You may need them for a petition for divorce, or to remind him when he rewrites history.
But, one day, you will be able to destroy them and live your life free of the emails and of this tosser.

Keep them- the not knowing what you are going to do will be more painful to them.
They won't be having such a wonderful time now it's not so illicit anymore.
Concentrate on you and dc. You sound v strong.
Sexual health clinic no big deal at all. Friend is a wonderful nurse at one - sees hundreds of people a month- says its a privelege to help.

arthriticfingers Tue 01-Jan-13 09:27:06

People at sexual health clinics are lovely in my experience.

BelleoftheFall Tue 01-Jan-13 09:55:23

I've been to a sexual health clinic and they have people from all walks of life going there for all sorts of reasons, from STD tests to contraceptive advice to pregnancy tests. Nobody will think you're a junkie: the people who are working there will see this day as any others, helping people, and the people who are there for appointments won't judge you for obvious reasons!

I'm not sure what your tests will involve but for mine it was just a vaginal swab that I did myself in the privacy of a bathroom. Tbh I would tell them that your partner was unfaithful and has been sleeping with at least one other woman and ask what they recommend in terms of testing- I'm not a professional but perhaps they might test for an array of things just to make sure.

Good luck.

Mrsgorgeous Tue 01-Jan-13 10:24:17

It's a good idea to keep the emails. I sent copies to a relative who has them in a folder in case I need them......oh and to her boss!
My ex and her worked together in a large workplace . Nobody had a clue what was going on and their bubble burst with an almighty bang. Some people on here told me off for doing that but I also got a lot of support and pm's from others. I'm glad I did it and told the OW that she was lucky I hadn't laminated them and hung them round all the lamposts.

There were lots of people at clinic for all different reasons and all I had was a swab. The lady I saw was very kind.

crazygracieuk Tue 01-Jan-13 10:44:39

Thanks for the info on sexual health clinics. Will definitely be visiting.

The kids are on an access visit so feeling wobbly. It's good that he is focusing on what is important at least for the day. I am sitting on my hands with regards to the emails. He reckons they could both lose their jobs. I don't care about him but I won't get maintenance so better not. It's not like it would make him feel remotely as shit as I feel right now.

Dc2 (9) and dc3 (6) seem absolutely fine. Dc1 (11) has been really sensitive to me shock and is shocked on my behalf. He is the only child showing signs of being affected. Will the younger 2 be upset later or are they really ok as h wasn't here much anyway?

Wedding ring will be off soon. Can't do it right now even though my heart and head are moving towards that conclusion.

Feeling quite stabby towards h today so it's good that dc are old enough to get into his car without me coming out. I made sure Im looking fab just in case he wanted to talk so he can at least feel a bit bad for not being able to have me :-p

2013 has to be a better year. Not sure I can do the school run without crying. I assume they like to be informed?

crazygracieuk Tue 01-Jan-13 10:53:01

It's his birthday on the 3rd Jan.

A small gift from each of the 3 kids is fine right? Or should I treat it as normal bar meals/drinks/cake ?

I actually have 3 gifts that I kept back from Christmas (about £6-£8 each) that he'd like. I don't want to go shopping for him and think that he's lucky to get anything.

Mrsgorgeous Tue 01-Jan-13 10:55:15

It's a good idea to let the school know preferably their class teacher and the learning mentor if they have one at their school.

KEEP the emails! They are both probably shitting themselves now....BUT remember this if nothing else......They didn't care at the time , it was all exciting and great fun to be deceiving and betraying the ones who loved them. Not so great now that their sordid affair has been exposed.

You will need the emails as evidence if nothing else.

MrsTomHardy Tue 01-Jan-13 10:55:24

Yes I would let the schools know. They can then just keep an extra out for your dc's.

Sorry thing are shit for you right now, but (to quote a cliche) time is a good healer.
You will get stronger and things will get easier in time.

MrsTomHardy Tue 01-Jan-13 10:57:25

I would give the small presents to him from the dc's and a card from them,,,,that is all.

Mrsgorgeous Tue 01-Jan-13 10:57:54

Must stop repeating myself * nothing else!

crazygracieuk Tue 01-Jan-13 11:07:46

I don't think that I could tell the teachers in person without crying. Is a letter ok? Should I ask the kids to give to their class teachers?

MrsTomHardy Tue 01-Jan-13 11:13:46

When do your dc's go back to school, next week?? You may feel a bit stronger by then....I cried when I told the preschool teacher many moons ago, especially as the cheque my xh gave me to pay for it had bounced...I was mortified...but she was lovely about it all..

We are all don't feel embarrassed if you shed a tear.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Tue 01-Jan-13 11:22:27

Ignore his sodding birthday.

I has nothing to do with you any more.

crazygracieuk Tue 01-Jan-13 11:22:45


Off to do some food shopping. This morning I've been keeping busy by doing housework and chores.

They are back on Monday. I am dreading the small talk about Christmas because mine obviously sucked. Will be armed with some mundane one-liners like how good the food was or how the kids liked their pressies.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 01-Jan-13 11:28:47

Rather than avoiding it completely, why not be honest and tell (carefully selected) others, including the teacher, something nearer the truth? A lot of the stress of DV is the feeling that it is shameful and has to be kept secret. That's a huge burden to bear and only works in the favour of the abuser. Another big misconception is that others won't understand. It's alarmingly common for women to meet at least one nasty piece of work in their romantic career and, if you tell someone that you've been harassed by an aggressive ex and that it took the shine off the holidays, chances are they'll be sympathetic. If you've still decided not to take it further with the police, you can't afford to isolate yourself through secrecy

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 01-Jan-13 11:31:46

Sorry..... wrong thread.... blush... ignore me.

crazygracieuk Tue 01-Jan-13 12:12:22

I wondered what you were talking about!

Doha Tue 01-Jan-13 13:10:12

Think l would print off a copy of the emails and put in a card from the DC's......and fuck all else.

Make him realise he has screwed up their lives just as much as yours and you are left to pick up the pieces. (which you are doing so well)

Is the OW going to leave her DH.

Keep your chin up Gracie you are going so well. 2013 will be full of much better things for you

MrsTomHardy Tue 01-Jan-13 13:13:08

I wondered if the other DH knows about it all too...

arthriticfingers Tue 01-Jan-13 13:22:02

You can't make anyone realize anything.
Please OP just kick the tosser out and then take all the time you need to make considered decisions that are in in your long term interests and those of the children.

Do ignore his birthday. Cards from dc is fine. He will be getting plenty of presents from the ow.

Doha Tue 01-Jan-13 13:55:50

Perhaps if you had read the thread arthriticfingers you would realise that Gracie has already thrown the tosser out hmm

olgaga Tue 01-Jan-13 14:27:42

Sorry you're going through this. You'll find some good information and links here. Get informed, it'll make you feel stronger and more in control.

crazygracieuk Tue 01-Jan-13 15:24:12

He saw the dc today. He was full of tears about how he's realised how much he's screwed up. Don't worry above sent him away to wherever.

I have booked the sexual health clinic and some counselling. I want to move on. Ideally forgive and forget but just the latter would be good. smile

crazygracieuk Tue 01-Jan-13 16:38:57

He tried to make me feel sorry for him but Im confident that I don't want him to live here. Is this a classic tactic? I don't trust him so it was quite easy to quash that idea but Im worried that I could cave in.

I've asked him not to contact me until tomorrow. Talking to him is draining and I want to focus on the present and future. I'd like the past to stay in 2012.

Ebayaholic Tue 01-Jan-13 18:50:16

Stay strong Gracie and re-read all of your posts above or the copy emails again as these will remind you how badly you have been treated. He is not the person you thought he was and can never be again. Please listen to your head only on this.

AfishhCalledElvira Tue 01-Jan-13 19:02:55

Not sure if anyone has mentioned it yet but this book is a godsend. It will speak your language and very helpful at this difficult time. Sorry this is happening to you.

Sorry I'm crap at doing links!

BerylStreep Tue 01-Jan-13 19:12:11

What's there to talk about?

Discussions about DC, maintenance etc can be had at a later date. At the moment he needs to leave you the fuck alone to sort out your feelings.

I am not too impressed at his crying act in front of your DC - he shouldn't be involving them and it's damaging. It's lovely for you that your 11 year old has been supportive to you, but remember he is a child, and the knowledge of what is going on in your adult relationships is a lot of responsibility to place on his shoulders. I say this as someone whose parents split up when I was 11, and I was privy to much more information about the break-up than was healthy for me.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Tue 01-Jan-13 19:15:34

Yes its a classic tactic when they realise they have massively fucked up, and that the grass isn't in fact greener. A lot of the crying bullshit comes from the fear of everyone finding out what he did, and how bad he is going to look.

Also add the fact that his 'bit shag' is going to be giving him earache about the fact that people are going to find out and view her as the home-wrecker she is.

Stay strong. 2013 is bound to be better. If he can cheat on you for 6months and not seem regretful until now, then he could easily do it again.

You and your family will be better off without him in your home.

MrsTomHardy Tue 01-Jan-13 20:00:10

Stay strong, don't get into lengthy conversations with him at the moment.

crazygracieuk Tue 01-Jan-13 22:28:36

He didn't cry in front of the kids. He cried while packing some stuff.

Ds1 had a panic attack tonight. I've calmed him down and looked after him today as he's definitely been quite down. I'm fucking fuming with h now.

My wedding ring is off and I've started making longer term plans.

TurnipCake Tue 01-Jan-13 22:39:30

You sound very strong, OP, what a difficult time for you all, but I am sure things will get so much better for you.

(And fuck right off to her for calling you, as someone who was cheated on, the sheer gall of these people never fails to amaze me - in my case, ex got OW to drop some items off at my house, it's a good thing I didn't go to the door)

crazygracieuk Wed 02-Jan-13 01:56:08

Thanks everyone.

I was reminiscing about the good times but read their emails to give myself a reality check. I genuinely feel that I will be fine without him but Im worried about the kids- especially my oldest who had a panic attack tonight.

I sorted out birthday cards and let the kids wrap his presents. As they are old enough to know his birthday, I think it's best to let them give him a card and pressie each. Doing nothing is tempting but Ai don't want them to feel embarrassed and put them in the middle. If I didn't buy they'd use their own money anyway. The cards are not fancy- they are generic spares that I have for emergencies.

I wish I could just sleep now. I average 3 hours a night these days where ad I usually get 8 or 9. My head was whirring with thoughts and I wish I could just sleep.

I made another discovery today. Ow has our sex toys and h told her they were brand new!! How gross is that!? I'd love to see her face when she found that out but she still doesn't know- lol.

BerylStreep Wed 02-Jan-13 08:48:09


That your H could think that it is acceptable to share sex toys must surely cement in your head that he is a complete twunt.

You will get through this, but it will take time. In terms of your DC, I think you need to try to reassure them as much as possible that even though things will be a bit different, it will all be ok. It is good that they are going back to school shortly, as it will give a bit of structure and distraction for them.

I personally don't think it is a good idea to make their e-mails public, but do hold on to them - you may need them down the line. I would also forward them to a trusted friend, put a print-out in an envelope and keep it elsewhere, or even set up a secret g-mail account and send them to yourself. You say he has been gas lighting you for the last 6 months - if that is his MO, you can be sure he will try to do it again once he has recovered from the initial shock at being found out.

I would suggest seeing a solicitor as soon as you can.

Oh god, that is terrible. Not only a liar, a cheat but a cheapskate too. I think I would let ow know.

You do sound very strong. Your DS distress must be horrible - it is entirely of Hs making. Take care and do tell your friends- they will support you.

hollie25 Wed 02-Jan-13 10:36:07

"h told her they were brand new"

What a Prince amongst men! shock
I know you shouldn’t but……I think I would have to tell her so she can revaluate this “prize” that you have dumped in her lap. I haven't read 50 shades but from what I have heard I'm pretty sure he wasn't recycling.

BerylStreep Wed 02-Jan-13 10:50:22

Yes, perhaps an e-mail to your H, cc'ing OW in, saying that some items appear to be missing from the house and asking if he has seen them? Then list in detail.


(don't really do it though)

crazygracieuk Wed 02-Jan-13 10:51:20

I'm not going to contact ow. I can't be bothered to help her and I think it'll be great to use as a joke to make me laugh when feeling down.

I never imagined that he would gaslight me. If he was to have an affair, Id have thought a one night stand and him telling me because he felt guilty. What a twunt.

crazygracieuk Wed 02-Jan-13 10:53:00

It would be hilarious to accidentally tell ow where the sex toys she used with h have been!

Wecanfixit Wed 02-Jan-13 10:57:16

Sorry you are going through this I agree with Cogit , he is now a man you will have to work around to suit your needs, sorry he has cheated once on you , he will do it again, this happened to me 20 years ago it takes times and alot of healing to progress onto what a normal new life for you and your kids should have , take care all the best for 2013.

MrsTomHardy Wed 02-Jan-13 11:16:15

That is rank!
You are well rid of that charmer

So sorry this is happening to you, op.

You need to stay stronger than ever over the next few weeks, so it's good that you have some counseling planned.

I say this, because the fact that it's all come out into the open has just made these pair of silly twunts realise that in the cold light of day they weren't the sexy characters out of a book with nothing to lose.

I mean Christian Grey wasn't a middle aged office drone with skid marks in his boxers was he?

I'm sure he fed her all kinds of lines about you not having sex with him, or enough sex with him, or the right kind of kinky fuckery (wtaf) that was in the book. I bet it would be a huge wake up call to her to know that he was actively having sex with both of you. So if she calls again I would tell her that he is free cycling your sex toys and that you are having STD checks because you were sexually active.

Now she's shitting herself because the bubble has well and truly burst, and her whole future lies in your hands. I bet the woman had no intention of leaving her dh for your dh.

And now your dh is left high and dry like a sad lonely tw*t. This is the danger time - she will be on course to reject him, and he will convince himself that he had every right to take back the reins as head of your family. He will then use any foem of emotional blackmail possible to create a pity party for himself, in the hope that you will welcome him back.

So keep those emails, if you are heading for a divorce you can use them, and make sure she thinks that you intend to name her in the proceedings. If not, keep rereading them to convince yourself you are doing the right thing here.

Your ds1 sounds wonderful, take care of him, and if you have the energy, try to lighten his heart a little of all this burden. X

crazygracieuk Wed 02-Jan-13 15:28:16

Ds1 is better today- currently dashing around shooting Nerf bullets at his siblings. We've rented a ps3 game for him to play later so he can hopefully take his mind off stuff.

I don't want him back but I need to move on mentally. The flashes I have of what they did is really hard to deal with and now that I don't want him back I want to forget. How do I move on? I have the Not Just Friends book coming in a couple of days and have reached out to friends who can cheer me up. Is there such thing as closure ?

HappyNewHissy Wed 02-Jan-13 15:37:01

He stole your sex toys? And gave them to this <splutters>, this OW?

It's official, I have now heard everything!


..except to say that I've got some not quite new toys up in a suitcase in the loft, if she's collecting... <vom>

Oh I would never let that skank of a Oh SO STBXH ever forget that.

This is a gift actually, it'll really help you stay focussed.

Strangemagic Wed 02-Jan-13 15:40:11

Have heard it all now,you sound amazing and he sounds like a knob and OW just eeeeuuuuuugggggghhhhh.Good luck xx

forgetmenots Wed 02-Jan-13 16:21:19

What a twunt. Well done OP!
Is he still seeing OW, and does her DH know? Sounds like he is still hoping to have his cake and eat it. Stay strong.

crazygracieuk Wed 02-Jan-13 16:36:01

Ow and h are a couple now. He obviously hasn't told her about the sex toys.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 02-Jan-13 16:37:04

Sounds like you do not want him back.

I would focus on detaching from him and only have contact relating to child access.

All child access visits/trips to take place outside your home.

I would look at seeing a solicitor (some offer free half hour consultations) for legal advice.

I give them 6 months at most - I'm sure the toys will live to see another person.

You are being very brave. Get legal help and when you waver about having him back, well, I don't think you will too much!

crazygracieuk Wed 02-Jan-13 17:16:49

I don't feel brave. My nerves are shot to threads.

I think the stress of 3 kids on access visits and the lack of thrill from no secrecy will end their relationship too. Fuck him. I'm really annoyed at the mess he's left.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 02-Jan-13 17:33:30

You are very brave crazy, you made positive steps to ensure your self worth and dignity, your a good woman, he thought with his dick.

And when your strong enough, and you find a man whos crazy about you, that'll be your moment, when he'll know hes a massive twunt, who fucked up big time.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Wed 02-Jan-13 17:54:14

OMG how do you know about the sex toys??

I'd wait until her birthday (date on facebook I'm sure) and send her a card, tell her you'd buy her a present but as she already has your husband and your sex toys, you couldn't think of anything else she'd like - unless she was short of knickers, in which case you'd be happy to send her a pair of yours.

I'd copy several of the emails and anytime he's doing the 'poor me' just give him a copy of one of them with a hmm


HappyNewHissy Wed 02-Jan-13 18:05:57

I'd demand financial compensation for the loss of the toys in the official divorce settlement.

I'd demand it be included in black and white so it remains as a matter of public record.

...Seeing as she's so fond of aquiring your second hand cast offs... [evil]

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 02-Jan-13 19:04:41

Ewwwwwww second hand sex toys, she must love used products, as Chipping suggests, a pair of used knickers for her birthday.

MrsTomHardy Wed 02-Jan-13 19:27:30

Sloppy seconds all round I'd say grin

They deserve each other.

crazygracieuk Wed 02-Jan-13 19:46:39

I know about the sex toys as I have the emails where he suggests USO g then.

I am really drunk tonight but I feel free if bill shit so I don't care if I never gave a partner ever again. I know I did the right thing and I know my kids adore me. That'll do nicely right now. They know I adore them and that will help them achieve their dreams.

Crazy I have to say, out of all the relationship posts I have read, you seem like a strong character with a clear direction of where you want to be in your head.

You will make it through to the other side, sweetheart, I know you will.

Have a drink tonight, of course you deserve to let loose on this occasion, after all of this shit has been piled upon you.

And then tomorrow carry on with your plans, sort your finances, std tests, solicitor etc. and keep posting for support x

crazygracieuk Wed 02-Jan-13 21:19:15

I am very drunk tonight and Im so gutted I can't stop crying.

I know he's a gaslighting emotionally abusive twunt but U can't stop crying.

There's nobody to hold my hand except you guys sad I invested so many years and now he's gone.hes got people who care and I have nobody.

Doha Wed 02-Jan-13 21:24:28

Oh Gracie you have your DC's who care and you have hundreds of virtual friends on MN who care.

<<holding hand very tightly, hiding alcohol behind the sofa, offering paper tissue and cup of coffee >>> brew

crazygracieuk Wed 02-Jan-13 21:24:40

Thank you so much to the people who have replied on this thread. You don't know how much your support means to me sad

I feel like a failure tonight despite feeling so strong earlier. How on earth can I recover and move on?

katiemummy2012 Wed 02-Jan-13 21:25:00

I feel for you, a few months ago I found out my DH had been cheating with an escort girl half his age, I threw him out and our divorce is about to be finalized, the pain is slowly getting easier but I've mostly kept busy being a mum

EXH has since admitted hes still seeing his favourite escort girl regularly, this makes me sick because that money should be going on our DC's, hes currently paying me £300pm in child maintenance but is only seeing them on weekends

Hugs to all you ladies going though the pain of being betrayed by the men we thought loved us xxx

crazygracieuk Wed 02-Jan-13 21:28:09

I am gutted beyond belief. I won't do anything stupid because if dc butbI feel so low that I have to be scraped off the ground.

shriekingnora Wed 02-Jan-13 21:28:33

Hey, you are allowed to mourn what you thought you had. It's okay to be sad. You come across as a fab person and I can't believe you don't have people who care (other than us, of course). Apart from anything, you have just said your kids adore you!

At the end of the day, the only person you are absolutely guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with is YOU. So look after yourself, respect yourself and do the best you can for yourself. I don't mean at the expense of other people's feelings (you're not a twat like your ex!) but I do mean you need to priorotise yourself. And stop drinking. Have a coffee and remember alcohol is a depressant. Or continue til you pass out but then you'll feel dreadful tomorrow.

crazygracieuk Wed 02-Jan-13 21:31:09

Ok no more alcohol now since I have dc in the morning but Si feel so fucking shit and useless. ;(

shriekingnora Wed 02-Jan-13 21:36:17

Eat something nice and comforting to soak up the alcohol. Cheese on toast is good. Or beans on toast. Carby and hot. You'll feel tons better. Watch some crap on the telly. Ring a friend? Have a hot bath? (I hate it when people suggest this but it does make you feel better!). You'll get there.

ThePinkOcelot Wed 02-Jan-13 21:37:45

You are not shit and you are not useless! You are doing brilliantly Gracie!! xx

crazygracieuk Wed 02-Jan-13 21:39:26

Thank you guys sad

Thank you sooo much. I wish I could thank you in person.

You're not useless, re-read your posts in the morning when your focus us a little better and recognize how strong you are.

Make it your New Years Resolution to increase your circle of friends and develop a life of your own without that oxygen thief. I can't call him a man, to me he doesn't even fit into the human category at the moment.

Focus your energies on building a new, and different life for your family, with gritted determination to ensure your son turns into a man you are proud of.

Write some lists tomorrow of short term things you need to do and achieve and concentrate on getting them done one by one. Little steps are needed at the moment. Don't be hard on yourself. We are all here to listen x

And beans on toast sounds like the first best idea nora!

Doha Wed 02-Jan-13 21:44:04

You can and you will recover from this and come out a much stronger person than you are.
You ARE NOT a failure your ex is the failure. He failed to respect his wedding vows, he failed his wife and he failed his DC's.
You will be the constant presence in your DC's lives and l believe you DS 11 knows this--you will never let them down and l do believe that.
You are grieving for the loss of your family and the future you thought you had--that is natural, don't expect to be strong all the time and the evening and nights will be the hardest. MN will be here to hold your hand
However this time next year you will be in a completely different place in your head-just give yourself time--baby steps.

shriekingnora Wed 02-Jan-13 21:46:26

Although don't do what DH did just before I met him. Which might make Gracie laugh so I will tell you -

Get drunk
Need beans on toast
Put toast in
Put beans in pan on cooker
Butter toast
Lean on cooker gazing at beans for five minutes wondering why they aren't heating up
Smell burning flesh and realise you have put the front ring (that you are leaning on) on and put the beans on the back ring
Have a cooker element branded into your forearm for about 4 months

HappyNewHissy Wed 02-Jan-13 22:02:10

Gracie love, you may be down at the moment, but you are most definitely not out. You will pick yourself up, you will feel better as thousands of us have done so before you, and thousands will do so with your help and support in the future.

You will rise, he will alway be a shit.

Your DC love you, they will be there for you. Know that even if she doesn't run screaming when she realises about his re-claim, re-cycle, re-use efforts, even if she ends up with Mr 50 Shades of Shite, that somehow your DC will always hate her. She will never be able to shake off that stench of betrayal. He in turn will always have disappointed them. They will lose respect for him, even if he behaves impeccably from now on (not a chance of that happening)

You will rise, you will grow, learn, strengthen. You will become greater than you have ever been before.

You may not believe it now, but it's true. It really is.

We're with you all the way.

crazygracieuk Wed 02-Jan-13 22:17:21


I can't believe how much support I have from u guys.

I want to go to sleep but haven't slept properly in days which is definitely clouding my judgement.

How do I stay strong? sad

The kids will wake in 9 hrs so I need to have calmed down by then sad I don't want them to see me like this.

MumsKnitter Wed 02-Jan-13 22:40:00

Alcohol is indeed a depressant. I promise you will feel much better tomorrow - strong again! Well done for realising that as your DCs will continue (hopefully) to have a relationship with their dad, it is entirely appropriate that they have gifts for him on his birthday. You did the right thing to help your kids by providing them. Easier said than done, but do try not to slag him too much in front of them - I slagged my exDH when we separated, and I caused a lot of unnecessary (luckily short term) damage to their relationship. Once I realised that it wasn't a competition for their love and that in any case if they had had to choose between us, all four would have chosen me, so I'd won I was able to be more reasonable and rational and accept that it's actually good for the kids to continue to love us both. What's best for your kids is for them to have a good relationship with you both, and not to feel pulled in both directions, or that they are being disloyal if they have some fun with their dad. You also have to try to make the best of the fact that OW will be part of their lives for as long as she remains with your DH - I think you're right in thinking that this won't be for too long, so I'd advise trying really hard not to slag her to them too! Say evil things about her to us instead! Good luck Gracie!

Mrsgorgeous Wed 02-Jan-13 22:41:14

Lack of sleep is usual. I was having about 3 hours each night and wondered how I would ever get through work the next day. I was also waking up about 2/3 hours early too. My doctor told me that it was a sign of depression and only to be expected.

You will have good days and bad days but gradually , without you even realising, there will be more good than bad days and the tears will be less often.

You are in shock....all your life has been thrown up into a million jigsaw pieces and you are trying to make it all fit back together. It will never be the same but can be put back in a different way. You can make it better and stronger than ever and you will.

And who would have thought that I would be writing this now seeing as I was an emotional wreck only a few months ago.

MushroomSoup Wed 02-Jan-13 23:12:31

Gracie, I've been there. You just Do one day at a time. Sometimes you just do one hour at a time, or even one minute at a time. But you do get there. And slowly, you will become fabulous again.

You are strong.

Nomorepain Thu 03-Jan-13 00:50:39

Gracie - I've been there too. It was horrific, for months it was just awful. Then he came home and for about 4 weeks it was lovely then quickly it turned awful then he left and it was horrific again!

But now 9 months on and my life is moving forward. All of the things that you thought were off limits, that was for other people not you - well now they are yours for the taking. The possibilities are endless.

You must get the practicalities sorted so you have a solid foundation to build on. Once that is sorted you can work on the emotional stuff. You will never be the same person again. You will be somebody way more fabulous and strong! Bit by bit your new life will unfold. For now concentrate on getting your happiness where you can. Accept every invite, book a facial/massage, spend time getting to know yourself. Find your identity again.

You will get there, promise!!!!

shriekingnora Thu 03-Jan-13 07:35:23

Morning Gracie. Just wanted to check how you were feeling today. Hope the hangover isn't too bad and you have soe nice things planned smile

Morning Gracie <<whispers>>

Hope the headache isn't too bad this morning. What are you plans today? Will you have a bit of time to yourself if the DC's are seeing their father?

Any chance of getting out of the house, a breath of fresh air can really help clear your head?

mumvswild Thu 03-Jan-13 10:13:08

Gracie I think I love you! I am so proud of your determined effort. I wish I could be as strong. I'm swinging between leaving and staying with H myself. Not due to infidelity but cos he's a lazy so and so who won't work and blames me for all our financial problems which all stem from him. I'm weak though. He has made veiled threats about 'taking the DCs away' permanently. He has stalked me before (I only went back cos it was less stress than staying away}. Good luck, I wish you the best. You rock!

MrsTomHardy Thu 03-Jan-13 10:19:56

Stay strong Gracie, you are doing so well

BerylStreep Thu 03-Jan-13 10:36:47

Gracie, we all need a blow out - hope you are feeling not too bad today.

mumvswild - that sounds shit. Hope you are ok and getting help.

crazygracieuk Thu 03-Jan-13 11:33:58

I am feeling better today. Hopeful about the future.

I am going to try and keep busy today. Thank you for the messages of support during my big wobble.

I know I made the right decisions (apart from drinking too much last night!)

shriekingnora Thu 03-Jan-13 11:40:14

Gracie, sometimes you need to be pissed. That's just life!

vole3 Fri 04-Jan-13 06:09:41

Always remember during your wobbles that what you are feeling is normal.

You are not being weak when you get thrown by the little things, it shows you still have the capacity to care.

Accepting that you don't know where or when the next wobble will trigger is half the battle in getting through them. Invest in the best waterproof mascara you can afford!

Build on your relationships with friends and family and never be too proud to tell them when you're having a rough day. They can tell!

This year I'm putting notes in a jar to remind me of the good things that happen as it can be easy to forgot in amongst the shit we have to deal with. Next New Year's Eve I will read them and remember that 2013 was the year I found me again.

crazygracieuk Fri 04-Jan-13 10:18:01

Thanks vole3. That sounds like a great idea.

Update for today is h has ditched OW. It's definitely not the other way round as she called me wanting to know if we had reconciled. [manuc laughter]

Thank you sooo much for your messages guys. Ds1 seems much better and I know I will be ok.

Doha Fri 04-Jan-13 10:27:03

As soon as the affair became public knowledge the thrill was taken away from him and life with the OW didn't seem so wonderful.

Be prepared now for the tears and begging to come back--midlife crisis/didn't know what he wanted/he still loves you.....etc

Bullshit--he cheated once aka 30 shades of shite and will probably do so again.

Stay strong Gracie you have come so far. You have your family DC and most of all your dignity and self respect. What does he have now---big fat NOWT

Karma eh!!!!

BerylStreep Fri 04-Jan-13 10:48:34

hmm Does OW not get that part of being the OW is that you don't get to phone up the wife to ask stuff like that?


I hope you managed to hold it together in your response. <Nosey>

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 04-Jan-13 11:39:04

Looks like they're following the script - as soon as tawdry affair comes to light, the fantasy lust fuelled bubble is burst, OW gets cold feet...and cheating lying bastard comes home begging for forgiveness, saying he realises he loves/wants wife (along with home comforts) after all hmm

Remember that you are not his fall back option and that you are not plan no 2.

If he does come back with tail between his legs and you want him back, make sure he does ALL the work and watch his actions to see if these match what he is saying.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Fri 04-Jan-13 12:06:26

When he comes grovelling (which he will) - are you going to take him back?

I hope not.

But if you are - you need to know what he needs to do to have any chance of this working out. There's plenty of advice available if you need help with it. Whatever you do, don't just 'take him back' and hope things will go back to how they were - they wont, you need to build a whole new relationship - it's hard, it's draining, and 99/100 times, it's not worth it.

crazygracieuk Fri 04-Jan-13 12:43:35

He's not asked to come back yet but considering how textbook he's been I shall prepare myself for the inevitable.
I have been reflecting on the red flags that I should have heeded. I have kept the list digitally so that I can read it from time to time and pass on my experience to others in future.

Allergictoironing Fri 04-Jan-13 12:49:14

Take a leaf from Chaoscarriesonagains book - start treating his textbook behavior as something to laugh at

crazygracieuk Fri 04-Jan-13 12:50:46

He had recently been discussing getting a motorbike which I thought was the normal/acceptable mid-life crisis thing to do.

Thank goodness for Facebook. I know that Ow is the same age as me, a dress size smaller (8/10?) and not physically prettier which makes me feel better that it's not me who's at fault. She will also have seen me on fb and noted that too. Could that be why she is so insecure?

I'd love to forgive and forget. I don't mean get together- I mean not be annoyed by it anymore. Does that come with time?

So predictable....I did mention to be wary of this in one of my initial replies.

Gracie stay strong and be careful, either he will come begging in a big pity party, or he will try and gaslight his way in with a combination of arrogance and self entitlement, ignoring the fact that he did anything wrong.

Be on your guard. Can you ever have a normal life and a trustworthy relationship with this man??

Imagine a future of business trips where he doesn't answer his phone in the evenings, late work nights and leaving do's. Will you be confident that he's now a committee husband, or will you sit there feeling sick to the core, stomach twisted plowing through his email account?

Will you feel obliged to have sex when you don't feel like it, for fear of him looking elsewhere.

Even though you may take the higher ground, to me, he would still hold all the power.

Is that the future you saw for yourself, when you were 18 and all the possibilities of life were infront of you?

And change your home number - this damaged individual seems to think you have some sort of connection. This needs to be stopped. Or if you don't want to change your number, tell her you will be calling her HR manager in the morning and mentioning harassment, and explaining the whole sordid situation. You have a duty to behave normally outside of work as an employee and this is unacceptable. (You don't have to do this, of course)

Try and distance yourself from it all, sweetheart. As long as he contributes financially as agreed, turns up for the children and proceeds fairly with separation and split, you don't have to worry where he is or what he is doing in his own time. He's a big boy now and he made his bed. Time to lie in it.

Committed husband, not committee! Sorry.

Your own ds told you that he had checked her on FB and you were the better looking woman.

It had been my painful experience that pre pubescent boys don't lie or bullshit in their statements.

For you - best compliment ever, for me - having to accept my tummy is wobbly because I eat too many biscuits.

Let her feel insecure, she should have thought about that before she embarked on the whole ridiculous affair.

Keep conducting yourself with grace and dignity, you are doing brilliantly x

crazygracieuk Fri 04-Jan-13 13:20:32

The actual word that he and his friends used was butterz which I now know is what we used to call a minder. Lol

crazygracieuk Fri 04-Jan-13 15:41:14

The definition made me laugh loads. Thanks

crazygracieuk Fri 04-Jan-13 16:17:19

X-post Chat
What's the best vibrator out there?

crazygracieuk Fri 04-Jan-13 16:18:45

Also- I had my hair cut today and feel like changing my hair colour from dark brown to something more exciting- maybe plum? What's the best home dye kit?

Allergictoironing Fri 04-Jan-13 16:23:49

lol at you Gracie, but definitely the right attitude. Can't advise on which brand as I get my hairdresser to do mine, but something lush with red in it should make you feel much better.

Vibrators better than men - they don't snore, or want feeding (apart from the batteries, or get tired or the dreaded droop! Most people seem to like rabbits.......

How about some highlights? They can really brighten up your face, and look quite sleek and glam.

I saw that Dawn French had some lovely color through her hair in an article last week.

I can find a pic somewhere....

crazygracieuk Fri 04-Jan-13 16:34:16

Loving the Dawn French highlights. Don't think I could do it at home though. (I have some grey so would need regular touch ups at a salon which I can't afford unfortunately.)

There is an Ann Summers in town so will take a look once the kids are back at school next week. V excited!!

vole3 Fri 04-Jan-13 17:32:21

As well as changing you, can I suggest also redecorating the smallest room in the house.
Even if its just slapping a coat of different colour paint on the walls, it says 'this home belongs to me & DC' and it will be how Crazygracie chooses and he doesn't get a say in it any longer.

crazygracieuk Fri 04-Jan-13 18:14:27

I packed lots of junk into a bin liner today. Man stuff like cables for gadgets he doesn't own, random secret Santa tat etc it made me feel better.
I like the idea of redecorating. I might go to Ikea or B&q next time he was the kids. The house is currently all apricot white which is boooring.

crazygracieuk Fri 04-Jan-13 18:15:22

Might start with the ensuite which is all mine now. Might go for something bold like pink.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Fri 04-Jan-13 18:33:27

I am very very tempted to do the bathroom in 'Bathstore' pink smile

When he next has the kids, give him the binliners full of crap too and anything else of his you find around the house, along with all his clothes etc.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Fri 04-Jan-13 18:33:55

Send the signal that everything is not 'on hold' waiting for his return.

crazygracieuk Sat 05-Jan-13 01:11:28

I'm not expecting him to set foot in there ever again so he'll only hear about it from the kids [evil]

crazygracieuk Sat 05-Jan-13 19:47:16

I have ordered a Tax Credit Claim Form, council tax discount and once the Tax Credit claim is sorted, free school meals. Child Benefit is going into my account and I will call all utilities on Monday.

ThePinkOcelot Sat 05-Jan-13 20:27:20

Go girl! You are doing bloody marvellous! xx

Hi crazy
I was in your position over 7 yrs ago.
It does get better.
Mumsnet helped me a lot in the first few months so post away x

A good piece of advice I ahve lived by is to always make decisions with your DCs in mind. When they are 18 you want to be able to say "I did my best for you". This sometimes means upsetting ex by your decisions and sometime you i might not like it but know its right.

I sent an email to OW week after I kicked exH into touch telling her she had no self worth sleeping ith my husband knowing he was sleeping with me...this caused trouble cos clearly he had told her our love life was dead. I never told his work even though they were work colleagues as he might have lost his job and affected me.

Stay strong; get legal advice; show you are strong even if you cry every time you shut the door.
PM me if you want.

vole3 Sun 06-Jan-13 06:31:14

Be prepared for hassle with BT if you're with them.
You can only change the account name to yours and keep the same number in the case of bereavement (oh to be so fortunate).

The alternative is to get H to set a date to end the account, you get a credit check and set the same date to start a new account and if you're lucky you will get your number reassigned to you.........

No problems with any of the others

crazygracieuk Sun 06-Jan-13 10:36:54

H wants to talk later. He says that he doesn't want a divorce. This is a emotional blackmailing trick right?

Yesterday I did loads of paperwork stuff,organised lots of social activities, bagged his shit and got tester pots in B&Q. I was feeling great while doing it but now I feel wobbly.

I have cried rivers and am quite excited about my future. Why is he screwing with my head? I feel pissed off. Is this the grovelling stage? Yesterday he was adamant that divorce was a good thing and that I was a crap wife blah blah blah... He's not on drugs. So this must be some sort of plan to head fuck me right?

I thought the anger in me had subsided but now it's started again. Why can't he just be a good Dad, pay maintenance and be civil? He's fucked me over badly, why won't he stop? Surely I have suffered enough.

Posterofapombear Sun 06-Jan-13 10:55:52

You don't have to talk to him. When he treated you like he did he forfeited all right to demand conversations. It doesn't really matter what he wants does it?

Just say no.

sayithowitis Sun 06-Jan-13 10:58:37

It's all about him, isn't it? He WANTS to talk, he DOESN'T WANT a divorce, he WANTED to have an affair. I think now should be about what YOU want.
Do you want to talk later? You can choose. And if you don't, well, that's that. He no longer gets to call the shots.

God he sounds awful and all over the place. I would avoid. Is he coming for the dc? Can someone else do the handover?

What's there to talk about? Does he need more of your old sex toys? I would be very angry.

Xales Sun 06-Jan-13 11:03:59

As Poster & sayit say.

You are no longer in a relationship with this man.

You don't have to talk to him if you don't want to.

Just because he doesn't want a divorce doesn't mean that you cannot divorce him if you want.

He was happy to have a bit on the side and lie to you for months.

What he wants is not important.

What you want is. If you don't know don't talk to him until your head is clear.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sun 06-Jan-13 11:12:09

Agree with poster - he ended your relationship.

That was his choice, and he can't take it back just because he's changed his mind.

Don't talk to him today, you obviously don't feel up to it.

crazygracieuk Sun 06-Jan-13 11:47:04

I am intrigued by why he's doing this. After him being a fuckwit I am quite happy to hear him grovel/apologise then laugh about it later

I think that the kids and I have a better life now he's gone. He's making a effort with them and I have started creating projects for me to do like what to replace my car with, redecorating and finding more freelance work. I will be without a man but happy with my vibrator

His future is going to be crappier. He gets to see the kids more which is positive but his on-off relationship with ow is probably under loads of stress as he's calling/texting visiting me rather than her.

I wonder if he realises that I am now far stronger than he will ever be again. Curious...

I am happy to be divorcing him. I cry, can't sleep or eat sometimes but I have a great life now and in the future.

crazygracieuk Sun 06-Jan-13 11:49:24

Thank you for the warnings. You are telling me what I want to hear. Red flags everywhere!!!

I want to get through this situation quickly and as painlessly as I can so will be talking to him later but not taking him back or anything like that. He's fucked me over too many times.

Doha Sun 06-Jan-13 13:29:11

Stay strong Gracie be prepared for the tears the threats the emotional blackmail etc.
You have rediscovered yourself in a very short space of time and have an exciting future ahead for both you and the DC's

Hear him out, don't comment until the end, then tell him to fuck off to his 50shades of shite life-you don't want him.

Then l would text OW tell him that he has been around pleading to come back and that you don't want him. Will she be happy knowing she will always be his default option his second choice !!!!

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 06-Jan-13 14:02:58

He is still following the script.

Fuckwit just wants to have his cake and eat it - but hard cold reality is hitting him and he is realising what he is losing.

He will try and come back with his tail between his legs and say it was you he wanted after all now that OW has got cold feet hmm

Never mind that he fucked you over, lost your trust and destroyed his family.

Remind him that it was HIS choice to have an affair and ask for a divorce and now its up to YOU to decide what you want.

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 06-Jan-13 14:05:26

Be prepared for the snivelling and whining.

And for the "mental breakdown" and for him to look unkempt with a hangdog expression.

captainmummy Sun 06-Jan-13 16:17:09

he doesn't want a divorce? Not up to him is it? He has no grounds to divorce you. You, on the other hand, can divorce him in a minute.

You are so strong now grin and have a great future.

BerylStreep Mon 07-Jan-13 16:28:08

Gracie, chin up. Don't listen to his shite.

vole3 Mon 07-Jan-13 18:34:02

Hope you managed to achieve what you wanted today.
Sending you hugs {{{{}}}}

Binfullofresolutionsfor10thjan Tue 08-Jan-13 19:58:15

Hey Gracie, how are you doing? Hope you're ok and still feeling strong.

Binfullofresolutionsfor10thjan Thu 10-Jan-13 15:05:09

Gracie, just wanted to let you know that we are still here to listen to you. Don't feel bad if you've decided to forgive him you can still come back here and talk things judgey pants!

Hope you are ok anyhow.

crazygracieuk Fri 11-Jan-13 20:43:44

Sorry for being away.

We're still getting divorced. I feel better about the future as I realise that he's a total twat but he's continuing to play mind games.

On Wed we went to a Relate session which was pretty pointless (but he's paying so not my loss) Weirdly he wants to continue going.

We own our house and have agreed to sell up and love to 2 different rented places. Benefits are so complicated!

Binfullofresolutionsfor10thjan Fri 11-Jan-13 21:54:02

Gosh don't you've had life changing things to sort out.

You sound pretty strong and determined.

I would continue to go to the relate sessions. You don't have to go with him. He could pay for you to go alone if you need some space to sort your head out. Or you could use the sessions for a neutral place to organize the split and how you will manage the future?

We're you working Gracie? Can you support yourself?

crazygracieuk Sat 12-Jan-13 12:45:52

I am going to need help from benefits but as long as that goes smoothly we should be ok.

The process is so confusing! I can't move out until I get benefits and h can't move out until the house is sold so not sure if I've got to wait until we are divorced?! Hm..

I'm not as strong as I sound and could really do with shoulders to cry on. I feel really low but I have to keep a happy face on for the kids. I am amazed at the number of people who have replied to my thread. It has made me feel a little better to know that I have support and can survive.

ToddlersRFab Sat 12-Jan-13 13:04:27

I'm at work today, so just having a quick coffee break, so can't post a lengthly reply, but I am sending you a hug, and a reminder that it does get better. My exh left 15 months ago, and I am now in a much better place.

Someone will come along with advice on the benefits side of it. But hang on in there, and focus on whats best for you are your kids.

Binfullofresolutionsfor10thjan Sat 12-Jan-13 13:11:24

Who have you told in RL, Gracie?

It's good to talk these things through out loud. It cements the reality of it, and underlines your intentions. That's why I would say keep the Relate visits.

Is he still hoping for a reconciliation then?

Do you have a friend that can come and stay? Your MIL sounded ok, didn't she? Could she take the kids to give you a break to visit a friend and have a chat?

Sending you {{{{hugs}}}} today.

Doha Sat 12-Jan-13 13:57:18

You can and you will do this did he manage to move back in- l thought he was with OW?
Anyway keep the eng goal in your mind-a life with your Dc's without this 12+ stone weight around your neck.
Things can't get any worse than they are now and can only get better.
I think getting away from the house when you can with your DC's will help retain your sanity.
Do not cook clean or do his laundry, live together separately, do things with the DC's on your own and not with him as a family. Detach detach and detach again.

remember "this too will pass"

crazygracieuk Mon 14-Jan-13 10:03:33

He has dumped OW. (I suspect it's because he's embarrassed that the kids know of her) and has to live here for financial reasons. He sleeps on the couch in the second reception room and does his own washing and ironing. We are splitting cooking so there is no atmosphere in front of the kids.
The house is on the market so fingers crossed on that front.
He wanted to reconcile for 24 hours but after that he was adamant he wants a split.
I read the Shirley Glass book recommended above but it seems pointless now as he wants a quick split.
We have sorted out finances and he's buying me a car as he wants the one we share. V excited to buy a car of my own- I have always been a named driver.
Feel very sad to get divorced as we've been together 13 years but if the other person doesn't want to work on things what can you do?

shriekingnora Mon 14-Jan-13 12:13:12

Wow, things seem to be moving on. It is very sad that instead of working on things in the first place he had an affair. It sounds a little like you still want things to work out? I might be reading too much into your post though.

crazygracieuk Mon 14-Jan-13 14:32:56

Things were never perfect before the affair and the things that I can do to improve myself are what I talk about in counselling.

I am disappointed that he can't be bothered to do the same because we could have been great together.

I am having a very wobbly day so it's probably my hormones talking but it's hard for me to be mad at him despite the fact that he has betrayed and humiliated me and seems to be totally fine about the prospect of divorce. angryangryangry

My head knows he's a twat but in my heart Im devastated because I thought he was better than he's behaved.

doinmybest Mon 14-Jan-13 16:25:45

Gracie I know how you feel. My head tells me hes a liar and a cheat and has turned our worlds upside down, but my heart still loves him. Im only just realising that my heart loves him for what he was before. I actually dont know this person. He now lives with OW and if this is the 'real him' then she's welcome. I know him, and as much as he may feel happy in his new life I know the guilt and missing the kids will eat up at him for a long time Im 10 weeks in, came through Christmas and New year in a daze but Im sorting myself now, moving forward. He isnt. They deserve each other. I miss him every day but Ive got to realise thats gone.

crazygracieuk Mon 14-Jan-13 20:42:00

I'm very pissed right now but would life be easier if I was a lesbian?

To add to the chaos, my period is 4 days late and I don't want to poas.

vole3 Mon 14-Jan-13 21:15:21

Probably stress delaying things, but how would you feel about a BFP?

crazygracieuk Mon 14-Jan-13 21:27:55

A bfp would be a disaster. I have nobody to take care of me.(I would obviously look after any baby of mine)

Doha Mon 14-Jan-13 21:31:10

Do you have any close family or close friends at all Gracie in the UK?
Where roughly do you live?

crazygracieuk Mon 14-Jan-13 23:13:00

No family and I only have acquaintances. I live near Milton Keynes of anyone is local by any chance?

AnyFucker Mon 14-Jan-13 23:17:43

Are you sure he dumped the OW ?

Do you only have his word for that ?

I think it more likely she backed up rapidly when she realised she got the booby prize

< negative POAS vibes >

ScarletPink Tue 15-Jan-13 07:39:17

Gracie, I've been following since the beginning, but I am a reader and lurker usually. However I live and work near Milky Beans (sorry, my DD8 has always called it that!) - if I can help at all please do post or PM me.

crazygracieuk Tue 15-Jan-13 07:53:38

No period yet.

I have no idea if the ow thing is true but it doesn't matter really.

wednesdaygirl Tue 15-Jan-13 10:49:41

Maybe its late cause of stress book yourself in a doctors before friday as this situation will raise your stress levels xx

crazygracieuk Tue 15-Jan-13 17:41:28

My stress levels are through the roof. I really hope it's stress delaying things. OnFriday I will poas as Iwill be a week late

lalalonglegs Tue 15-Jan-13 18:37:24

It is more than likely stress-related but the last thing you need. I'm sorry that you have this to worry about as well as everything else - good luck on Friday.

FellatioNels0n Wed 16-Jan-13 14:46:25

What about you chaos can we do you? All of us? I have seen your handwriting aksherly - I can't remember it in detail, but I remember thinking it was every nice. IIRC it was sort of arty and stylish, yet consistent and not at all random.

Which is ironic really. grinwink

FellatioNels0n Wed 16-Jan-13 14:47:45

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry - wrong thead. confused

<leaves swiftly>

doinmybest Thu 17-Jan-13 21:06:16

any news gracie?how are you feeling?

crazygracieuk Sat 19-Jan-13 13:04:26

I'm not pg according to the pregnancy test which is a relief.
I feel happy and sad now. Happy about leaving but also sad because of all the shit that's hit the fan.
I can't wait to feel more emotionally stable and detached like h.

vole3 Sun 20-Jan-13 08:02:21

I don't think words can convey how you feel when not only your world, but that of your children is so completely smashed by the person you thought loved you above everyone else.

Get angry! It will happen and is a normal part of this process.
I think most of the anger is not for ourselves or our future, but for our children. He can be detached as he effectively has a couple of years head start in the detaching as he checked out of your relationship even before the affair started. Shame he could not be honest with himself and you and let you know at the time.

You will get through this and make a fabulous life, maybe not the one you had planned, but an even better one surrounded by those who love you and you can trust.

On a practical note, if AF hasn't appeared in another week, repeat the test as false negatives are more common than false positives as my friend can confirm.

Sending you much love & hugs xxx

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