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this post is just for me - doesn't matter if you answer or not!

(115 Posts)
stuffitunderthebed Mon 31-Dec-12 01:04:36

Relationships board - it is just before New Year and - have reached an ephipiony! I am ditching DP. On New Year's Day. Symbolic? Yes, cruel? Maybe. He cheated on me on his stag less than two weeks before wedding. We are 5 months on - he has turned himself inside and out to make things right. It isn't right, it never will be. Faithless twat. Happy New Year everybody!

Fanjango Mon 31-Dec-12 01:06:20

If you can't live with it then you are doing the right thing. New year, new start. Good luck!

ChristmasNamechangeBridezilla Mon 31-Dec-12 01:06:40

Stuffit did you post about this at the time? Your story sounds familiar.

BettySuarez Mon 31-Dec-12 01:06:48

He cheated on you on his stag night? Dear God sad

Imabadmum Mon 31-Dec-12 01:06:53

If its over then it's over. Something's can be forgiven, but forgetting is much harder.

Hope 2013 is good for you, good luck.

stuffitunderthebed Mon 31-Dec-12 01:09:48

Thank you Fanjango. I know I sound flippant, I'm not - love the actual bones of him. But can't change what's happened. Bless him. He has tried so so hard to make it up to me. But if he really loved me them it never would have happened in first place. Self respect is returning and I'm changing.

Booyhoo Mon 31-Dec-12 01:10:38

if you know it then you know it and ending it is the best thing for both of you. he may not see it that way, not ever but you shouldn't be swayed by his feelings. you have to live with your own. do what you need to do and have good people around you. good luck OP. well done for taking control.

stuffitunderthebed Mon 31-Dec-12 01:11:26

I posted at time - reached a 1000 posts in about four days. Was hell on earth

izzyizin Mon 31-Dec-12 01:13:27

Oh honey, am I ever relieved for you!!! grin

Only the other day I was tormenting myself musing that the festive season might have worked its illusions magic and convinced you to set a date in spring.

<falls to knees and shouts 'Hallejulah'>

blahblahblahyah Mon 31-Dec-12 01:13:57

Don't wait! Do it today - New Years eve - and start fresh on 1st Jan!

No time like the present.

OrangeLily Mon 31-Dec-12 01:14:23

Did you end up marrying him then? It sounds like you did.

Good luck ditching the stupid man. On his stag do??? Dear god.

Fanjango Mon 31-Dec-12 01:16:41

Sounds like the decision comes with the newfound self-respect! Go for it. Putting up with bad treatment is a symptom of not feeling good enough to deserve better, you are on the road to a brighter future.

MrsMushroom Mon 31-Dec-12 01:18:42

That's so sad.....that he cheated on you I mean. Not that you're ditching him. Good on you Stuff you sound brave and determined. I'm not sure I could be so strong. Mind you I would be FILLED with poison if someone cheated on me like that.

Its hard to move past infidelity. Do you have children? How are you planning to manage practically? Are you ok for a house?

rubyrubyruby Mon 31-Dec-12 01:19:46

Did you find out before the wedding and still marry him?

izzyizin Mon 31-Dec-12 01:21:31

So the deed is yet to be accomplished?

<feels heart sink>

stuffitunderthebed Mon 31-Dec-12 01:24:45

I can't fully explain it izzyin it seems to me like he has given all he has to give... He has cooked, cleaned, fussed, loved, cared. I've had every flower and chocolate and scent known to man given at random times. Over the festive period he has excelled himself! More thoughtful gifts than you can shake a stick at! He remains a handsome, sexy, funny man. But I look at him and he makes me sick

izzyhasanewchangeling Mon 31-Dec-12 01:25:53

GO stuffit GO stuffit

Darkesteyes Mon 31-Dec-12 01:26:04

Stuffit i remember that thread. I remember posting something in response to what your dad said about it. My parents have similar attitudes and i just saw red. Im sorry if it upset you at the time.
You sound like a lovely woman though and you deserve SO much better than a turd who has no respect for women.

Darkesteyes Mon 31-Dec-12 01:28:03

The reason hes making you feel sick is because he.
a. cheated.
b. The form and circumstances of the cheating show he has no respect for women and NO flowers/meals out/jewellery/Chanel No 5 can change that.

Feckthehalls Mon 31-Dec-12 01:29:14

are you married already?

ChristmasNamechangeBridezilla Mon 31-Dec-12 01:29:15

Good for you.

Every cheater should read what you have just written and fully understand that their actions change the relationship forever.

His actions have tainted him. He isn't the man you thought he was and its taken you a little bit of time to process what has happened and properly understand the implications for your relationship.

You are very brave to admit this to yourself and now to him. Best of luck!

stuffitunderthebed Mon 31-Dec-12 01:39:48

I was, and still am so so fucking gutted. Sorry to be a soppy twat but I honestly felt like he was the one. He changed my life. He made me so happy. I've suffered from depression since finding out at sixteen I couldn't have children. He changed all that. I believed I could be happy with or without children. We had a perfect relationship. Fun. Adventure - we are always just firing off somewhere to have a laugh. How could he do this to me? To us? Anyway, less of the amateur dramatics. Its over. I will find a staid, faithful man and do ifv. Find a surrogate. Won't ever be the same. But I aint having my life and heart hijacked by a faithless. Weak and gutless wonder - however fit he is and however much he makes my heart and fanjo sing! Lol. - flippant-

izzyizin Mon 31-Dec-12 01:39:53

But I look at him and he makes me sicK

<feels heart rise again>

stuffitunderthebed Mon 31-Dec-12 01:59:47

darkesteyes you didn't offend me in any shape or form. Thanks for posting. I appreciate it. To anyone who is worried about the financial side of things - I earn twice what dp does. We live in MY house. He will go home - 200 miles away. Stupid fucking man.

Feckthehalls Mon 31-Dec-12 02:02:28

thank goodness you did not marry him.
wishing you strength to see this through.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 31-Dec-12 02:05:33

Stuffit - I was thinking about you the other day and wondering what happened. So glad to hear you are standing up for yourself.

Happy New Life smile

Darkesteyes Mon 31-Dec-12 02:06:06

I also wish you the strength to see this through stuffit. x

stuffitunderthebed Mon 31-Dec-12 02:11:49

There are some lovely people on MN - don't like to name check as always run the risk of missing people out! But Izzy and allbababa thank you - you were on my previous thread. izzyin I actually cited you on a thread in chat about 'favourite MN-er' lol

stuffitunderthebed Mon 31-Dec-12 02:12:57

Sorry all. Diversion tactic as don't want to face reality.

ZenNudist Mon 31-Dec-12 02:14:52

Good luck with that, sounds like if he's 'd'p then you never married? Stagdo cheating- what a terrible thing to do to your bride to be. sad

Offred Mon 31-Dec-12 02:17:30

Oh stuffit! I know I think this is the right thing and that you should have done it ages ago but it will be hard and you are brave! Good luck!

GlaikitFizzHogmany Mon 31-Dec-12 02:22:43

Ooh! StuffIt, I've followed from afar, and I'm so happy for you. I could feel the heartbreak in your first thread and slowly have seen your spirits lift.

New year new you, new start. You deserve better than him, however hot he is grin

Go girlfriend <clicks fingers>

<gets coat>

stuffitunderthebed Mon 31-Dec-12 02:43:01

glaikfizz you made me chuckle! 'However hot he is - clicks fingers- ' proper made me laugh. Ghirls I will need all help I can get. Prospect of life without him is hard, but I have to do this.

izzyizin Mon 31-Dec-12 03:13:39

Jeez stuff, you sure know how to run a rollercoaster ride keep us glued to our seats your post.

I can't bear to look until I know the deed is done and he's got your foot up his arse out of your home with all his wordly possessions tied up in a red spotted handkerchief.

<puts hands over eyes>

<peers between fingers>

<waits for moment to shout 'he's behind you'>

Sausagedog27 Mon 31-Dec-12 08:43:17

Wow op! I remember your thread. Good for you for making that decision- on your own terms as well. If you are ever having a wobble, read back some of your old threads, I think it might help.

I wish you all the best for 2013.

DragonMamma Mon 31-Dec-12 08:55:00

Wow, I remember your OP and you've come a long way since, there's clearly been a massive change in your thinking.

This was the guy who went back to his home town and text some old flame and got a cab to her house? He never deserved you, Op, there was no 'oopsy, I'm drunk, what have I done?' Moment, he had plenty of time to decide to NOT sleep with her so I definitely think you're doing the right thing, however remorseful he appears to be now.

I still think it was so bloody brave of you to call the wedding off, I'm not sure I would have had the guts too but this will make splitting so much easier now.

2013 will be your best year yet once you cut the dead weight!

NorksAreTinselly Mon 31-Dec-12 09:00:54

stuffit I was thinking about you the other day as well smile
I am so pleased you have found the strength to do this
2013 will be better, I absolutely promise

Oh thank The Lord Stuffit, you were always too good for that skanky man. 2013 is going to be so much better grin

Ruprekt Mon 31-Dec-12 09:50:33

Oh goodness! Thanks for updating.

Do it today though and start 2013 afresh.

Sings <<she's gonna wash that man right out of her hair...........>>

s0fedup Mon 31-Dec-12 09:55:18

i was a far-away-follower too. so pleased u have made a desicion and u feel good about it. roll on 2013 xx

Doha Mon 31-Dec-12 09:59:57

You must do it today Stuff,

Bring in the Bells footloose and fancy free--new year new start, Ditch the old in 2012
Bring in 2013 single then you can remember 2012 as the year you got rid of him and 2013 as the year you started to live again

Go girl <<waves pompoms>>

dequoisagitil Mon 31-Dec-12 10:13:46

Well done & good luck. Wishing you a happier new year without him.

HisstletoeAndWhine Mon 31-Dec-12 10:14:28

Another one cheering you on! Well done love!

Charlie97 Mon 31-Dec-12 12:18:01

I have just gone back and read the original thread! For what my opinion is worth, I think you 110% the right thing! Had you just cancelled you would of always questioned if you could have made it work blah blah!

You gave yourself precious time to decide what you wanted and be confident and never question or had what ifs!

I wish you a wonderful 2013 and hope it brings you joy and happiness!

Good luck!


Charlie97 Mon 31-Dec-12 12:19:31

And although I am new, I will be there for you next year!

It will be hard, but you have strength now!


izzyizin Tue 01-Jan-13 00:42:18

Is it safe to look? Has the deed been accomplished?

Sunnywithshowers Tue 01-Jan-13 00:51:33

Well done stuffit - I wish you a happy year without him!

TalkativeJim Tue 01-Jan-13 01:14:31


I've namechanged since then, StuffIt, but I was on your previous thread (not a major poster though!!)

I am BLOODY DELIGHTED to hear this news!

grin grin grin

Do it ASAP if you haven't already, and HAPPY NEW YEAR! I have steeling its going to be a good one for you...

TalkativeJim Tue 01-Jan-13 01:16:19

A feeling. Not steeling (no steeling yourself needed here, do it with a skip in your step!!)

Offred Tue 01-Jan-13 14:39:17

Checking in!

Ruprekt Tue 01-Jan-13 15:35:20


AttillaTheMum Tue 01-Jan-13 16:32:30

This time last year.... This time last year I had just left my husband and was sitting at my parents convinced he would call and say sorry and beg me back. The night before he had emotionally tortured me for hours before grabbing me by the throat and threatening to spit in my face. He never did apologise but convinced me to go back, I so badly wanted him to change and was worried about my DDs.
Over the next few months his behaviour became worse, he would push and prod me, kicked me. Made awful remarks about my family and was less than pleasant to me.
He would ignore our DDs and was the mort self absorbed person I have ever met.
I did finally leave him and he has put a tremendous amount of effort into making life difficult for me and my family.

I recently met someone else who's 'normality' has shown me how it is not normal to be told you aren't good enough , even if it is done in a 'poor you' voice and not always shouted. It's nice to have someone tell me how I'm beautiful, a great mum and a catch blush
It feels good not to cry daily.

I'm not saying meet someone else. I'm saying if HE isn't good enough, don't waste time trying. You need two people putting in the effort to make a marriage work.

What a difference a year makes

AttillaTheMum Tue 01-Jan-13 16:34:11

Oops. Meant to start my own thread! Sorry

Feckthehalls Tue 01-Jan-13 17:53:37

well done on leaving him Atilla

BerylStreep Tue 01-Jan-13 18:51:37

Stuffit, I am glad to hear you have made a decision. I always remember thinking that you seemed totally entranced by his looks and body. Looks fade.

I also think it is only fair to your DP to call it a day and move on if you have realisated that no amount of gestures he makes is ever going to make up for the betrayal.

Good luck for 2013.

nannyof3 Tue 01-Jan-13 19:01:36

How did it go?

stuffitunderthebed Tue 01-Jan-13 19:01:46

Update: really sorry everybody, the deed has not yet been done sad. Reason was to be today was that we were supposed to be back at home by now. A change in plans has meant we are still away. Don't want to do it then do the long journey home. Sorry, I know this sounds like a pitiful excuse.

Ruprekt Tue 01-Jan-13 19:12:48

That's OK Stuffit.

No need to please random strangers! Just do it when it feels right for you.


izzyizin Tue 01-Jan-13 19:31:59

This time, next time, some time, never...

The longer you leave it, the less likely you are to do it and I do sooo hope you don't opt for the latter because you deserve a lot more than a man who only has his 'golden boy' looks to recommend him.

lemonstartree Tue 01-Jan-13 19:41:39

you go girl. I'm so impressed that you have come to your own decision in your own time. You sound confident and certain of your boundaries and your values. well done.

One phrase you use in the original thread really stuck with me ' that while you were on your hen night showing pictures of your gorgeous fiance , he was bollock deep in some slag'

I couldn't, in the long run, forgive (or forget) that either, though I know my initial reaction would have been as stunned and devastated as you were.

Happy 2013 x itwill be hard to let him go, but harder I suspect, to stay with him....

stuffitunderthebed Tue 01-Jan-13 21:54:55

I'll get there. I promise. Really hoped that would be able to forgive and forget; but I can't.

ILikeWhisperingToo Tue 01-Jan-13 22:08:24

Just popping in to send you some positive thoughts smile

izzyizin Tue 01-Jan-13 22:12:45

I find that when someone does something unforgiveabe it ain't all that easy to forgive and as for forgetting, forget it...!

Mum2Fergus Tue 01-Jan-13 22:14:16

Good luck OP.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Tue 01-Jan-13 22:27:08

'... he was bollock deep in some slag.' But she wasn't the one about to get married, was she? He was the wrong-doer in this case - and handsome is as handsome does, as the cliché goes.
Hopefuuly you're seeing that now, and not letting the prospect of a pretty face being being around for a bit longer sway you.

stuffitunderthebed Tue 01-Jan-13 22:29:21

Thanks for all your support it helps enormously. Happy New Year all. 2013 will be my year and on my terms. I can make the big decisions remember? Needs be right time though - and no rush this time. No obvious deadline. Few more days either way makes no difference. I liked the symbolism of New Year's Day (and that was when we were meant to be home). Plans have unavoidably changed so the big talk and the big break up will have to wait for couple days. He'll keep...

Whocansay Tue 01-Jan-13 22:30:02

I lurked on your previous thread and was shocked by his behaviour. You were courageous to call a halt to the wedding then and you can find the strength to end it now. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to end the relationship when you still love him. But I think that you know it is for the best. I wouldn't be able to get passed what he did either.

All the best.

Ruprekt Wed 02-Jan-13 20:17:36

Any He'sDumped news today? smile

Darkesteyes Fri 04-Jan-13 17:46:44

Are you ok Stuffit. Has he convinced you to remain in this relationship or havent you been able to tell him yet?

stuffitunderthebed Sat 05-Jan-13 02:40:58

I did it - yesterday. Horrendous. I'm gutted. So is he. My family and friends giving me so much shit. They all know what happened but they all keep banging on about how I've been happier than they've ever seen me since I met him; how sorry he is etc. He is devestated. Can't stay in same room as him. Feel so guilty. How do I stay strong when absolutely nobody thinks I'm doing the right thing??

izzyizin Sat 05-Jan-13 02:51:48

How do you stay strong when others just don't get it absolutely nobody thinks you're doing the right thing?

You don't compromise your personal integrity to suit others and you uphold your values, moral or otherwise, by staying true to yourself.

Booyhoo Sat 05-Jan-13 02:53:49

well done !!

you stay strong because YOU have done the right thing for YOU! you cannot live your life for anyone else. no-one else is living your life, knowing what you know and feeling what you feel. no-one can say if your decision is right or wrong as they aren't you.

again. well done!!

notnagging Sat 05-Jan-13 02:55:58

It's not about them it's your choice! My sil is married to an abusive partner who is getting worse because he has manipulated her into staying. The whole family thought he was great when they first met but now struggling to convince her to leave. Do what feels right for you not your family! Everyone's always got an opinion.

stuffitunderthebed Sat 05-Jan-13 02:57:26

Thanks, I appreciate your replies. Can't even begin to pretend that this is easy. He is choosing to go home - back to his mum and dad's house and no job. Says only reason he would ever stay here is because of me. I just feel so very very shit. I know I'm not responsible for him and his life. I'm just finding it hard. He is so sorry. He has tried hard. I don't think he would cheat again - but I just can't get over it. I would really like to.

Arseface Sat 05-Jan-13 02:57:58

People hate change but you can't tie yourself up in knots just to keep others comfortable.

They probably would have understood you leaving straight after the event but feel shaken by the news now when they'd assumed you were over it.

What's actually happened is that you've given this man and your relationship every chance and it still isn't working. I bet he's devastated. It takes an incredible amount of strength and wisdom to do what you've done and he's thrown you away for a quick shag!

You can walk away with a conscience as clear as a bell and begin your new life unburdened by doubts and what ifs.

I bet they'll be saying they always thought you should leave him in a few months time!

izzyizin Sat 05-Jan-13 03:04:28

I second every word Arseface has writtten and, in particular, would draw your attention to their last sentence which shows they have the gift of prescience smile

Once he's gone and 'they're' convinced you're not going to go back on your decision, the consensus of opinion will be that he wasn't good enough for you - and that's spot on.

garlicbaubles Sat 05-Jan-13 03:17:02

Seconded here, too smile It must feel awful right now. But you can't base your future on a sense of obligation! I'm proud of you for knowing what your bottom line is and what you're worth. You're fab!

Proudnscaryvirginmary Sat 05-Jan-13 04:37:47

Wow StuffIt. So sorry you are going through such a painful time. The thing is you came to this decision by yourself and after much thought. You weren't even being nagged by us anymore! So can you see that it can't be the wrong decision? It has come from the heart, the core of you.

As you might remember I was one of those to urge you to call the wedding off, but I didn't necessarily think it was the end of your relationship. If he could show he was truly sorry and you felt he would never do it again then I felt you could last.

But interestingly, he did do all the right things - showed genuine remorse and spent months treating you wonderfully....but it's not enough. You just can't forgive. He killed it by betraying you and there's no way back. So you have done and are doing the right thing. You gave it/him time, you listened to your own heart and instincts and you have come to the only conclusion that is right for you.

What a shame no-one close to you understands your decision and is supporting/applauding you. You have your MN cheerleaders though!!! <waves Pom poms>

Hope you're ok, keep posting xxx

carpetsw33per Sat 05-Jan-13 05:29:12

I was in a REALLY similar position this time last year.

I tried to 'forgive and forget' for four years.

But it was always there. It couldn't be erased. I always knew he didn't really cherish me and that at the ONE TIME in my life that he could have shown me that he was a good man, he had his hands on someone else instead.

It will be hard but you won't regret it. X

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 05-Jan-13 09:27:36

I remember your OP.

FWIW, you did the right thing.

You will always remember his massive betrayal - instead of being excited and looking forward to getting married to an amazing woman, he chose to cheat on his stag night.

There is no way you can come back from this and you deserve a far better man.

His actions re, giving up his job, going back to parents, making you feel bad and whinging show what a manipulative immature man child he really is.

If he had really changed, he would be handling this with maturity and responsibility.

suburbanmyth Sat 05-Jan-13 09:46:06

Just read through this whole thread stuffit, sorry you are having a very difficult and painful start to 2013 but I am certain it will get better because I think you sound like an amazing, strong, intelligent, fabulous woman who is taking charge of her own destiny! So whilst I have no specific advice or whatever I just want to say you are an inspiration as there is no vitriol, you've been fair to your DH, you've recognised all his efforts but you've been brave enough to admit it is not enough. Good luck, stay strong, and remember you are brilliant and have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

DragonMamma Sat 05-Jan-13 10:12:23

Well done on doing the hardest part stuffit, stay strong and don't let other people sway your decision - they haven't walked a mile in your shoes and had to call your wedding off because of him being a cheating arse.

I think you've given it your best shot, it just doesn't work sometimes.

I´ve just read through this, and I wanted to say.

You have done the right thing, what would every one prefered that you "prentended" this was all going to be ok? That you plastered on a smile for them?

No one knows what goes on behind closed doors!

Tell you family and friends you know it may seem a shock to them, but you are doing what is right for you even if it makes you hurt and you want their support if they can´t do that, then they need to keep there opinions to them selves, and you need some nre friends!

Well done, a strangers on the interenet thinks you did the right thing and I am sure I am not allow

Good Luck deap breath and you WILL get through this, you WILL be happy and you WILL find love again.

Hope 2013 is a good year for you

MorrisZapp Sat 05-Jan-13 10:40:04

Oh sweetheart, you have done the right thing. Even if (best case scenario) he's a lovely guy who made one mistake, you'll never feel the same way again.

Happened to my wee sister. Her lovely DP cheated on her, and felt so bad and guilty he was physically ill. She tried so hard to forgive and forget, but she just couldn't. They split, and both happy with new partners now, and no shadows of betrayal hanging over them.

I feel sorry for sisters ex, looking back he paid a hard price but there it is. The facts of what he did can't erase themselves.

You deserve a clean start. You will feel crap for a bit, that's normal. Don't cave in now xx

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 05-Jan-13 10:46:43

Well done stuffit, you will feel better in time. Don't feel bad about it, if he really loved you he wouldn't have hurt you like he did.

He may have made you happy, but after what he did, the happiness would never be the same again.

Midwife99 Sat 05-Jan-13 11:19:30

I remember your original thread Stuffit. You sound so strong & sorted!! I'm really impressed by your clarity & optimism!! smile

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 05-Jan-13 12:38:41

StuffIt - I'm really sorry your family and friends aren't supporting you. You have been really courageous.

Give yourself time and you will feel better x

ILikeWhisperingToo Sat 05-Jan-13 15:39:51

No advice - just a cheer, a slap on the back and a wine being sent your way.

Onwards and upwards for you - and ignore the guilt others are trying to load off - they didn't have to sleep with the cheating bastard live with the reality of it day to day, did they?! Ergo their opinion is null and void grin
Good luck.

VitoCorleone Sat 05-Jan-13 16:04:50

It may be hard now but pretty soon you will feel like a weight has been lifted.

You've done the right thing.

Darkesteyes Sat 05-Jan-13 17:08:24

I had a nasty feeling your family would react like this Stuffit because of the comments the "boys will be boys" type attitude your dad showed at the time it happened.
I too come from a family where you are not a person,you are a "woman" and "need a man" because some people have trouble accepting a woman standing up for themselves. And also a lot of families are more worried about "what the neighbours think" rather than their relatives happiness. And sometimes there is an element of jealousy there too.
Our mothers could be thinking "Well i had to put up with it so why shouldnt you"
But youve been really brave Stuffit and you have to do whats right for you not what will keep every other fucker happy.
I think your family are being very selfish and only thinking of themselves.

You know you couldn't live with that knowledge (and who's to say he wouldn't do it again ? ) your friends and family have no right to comment as they weren't the one who would be living with him !!

You did the right thing

You will meet someone else who you will fancy the pants off and you can learn from this experience

Well done you did the hardest thing, breaking up with someone you're in love with but know he's not good for you

stuffitunderthebed Sat 05-Jan-13 20:45:43

Your support is invaluable. Thank you for taking the time. I'm still sticking to my guns. Feel very low and down. The thought of returning to work isn't helping. I'm also getting bit paranoid. Silly I know but so many posters remember my thread that even when I post on something innocuous like 'how do I survive without a tumble-dryer' I imagine that others are thinking "oh that's that poor stuffit whose fiance fucked somebody on his stag". Think maybe a new name may be needed to go along with my new life sad

MagicHouse Sat 05-Jan-13 20:53:44

even when I post on something innocuous like 'how do I survive without a tumble-dryer' I imagine that others are thinking "oh that's that poor stuffit whose fiance fucked somebody on his stag"

Really sorry but that made me laugh!! I didn't see your original thread, but it sounds like you have done the right thing. You sound very brave and very strong. You deserve someone who would never think it's ok to treat someone like that. Good luck.

Sunnywithshowers Sat 05-Jan-13 21:04:37

Stuffit, I'm sure people don't think that. Big hugs to you, it will get better xxx

A new name might be a good idea smile

tzella Sat 05-Jan-13 21:06:13

Aww Stuffit sad I started a thread about calling the police after my horrible ex beat me up and was then embarrassed to ever post again in case anyone asked if id got rid if him but... I finally got to where you are (that it was OVER) and I dumped him on 2/1! I think someone mentioned you on my recent thread and I'm sorry I didn't post here to cheer you on smile


stuffitunderthebed Sat 05-Jan-13 21:17:56

High five sister! I got a mention on your thread grin thought my ears have been burning. I'm trying really hard to stay upbeat and positive. Can't go down the what if road. I love him so bloody much. Trying to persuade him to consider a friend's offer of place to stay. The finality of him having to give up job and move 200 miles away back home pounds in my ears. I don't want the responsibility of that iyswim? magichouse glad I gave you a chuckle x

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sat 05-Jan-13 21:22:31

You have been very strong. Very, very, strong. I used to have nightmares about cancelling our wedding - wanting to, but not having the courage to do it and ending up married to him (I was with my fiance at the time, we didn't get married in the end) and I would wake up shaking. To be the wronged one, to still be in love with him and to go through cancelling a wedding less than two weeks before it takes the kind of courage not many of us have - don't you dare name-change. No-one with half a brain will be thinking 'oh that's that poor stuffit whose fiance fucked somebody on his stag' they will be thinking (if anything - most people don't really remember posters names that much) 'Stuffit - she was that amazingly strong woman who kicked her fuckwit DP to the kerb - well done that girl - now what's this about a tumble dryer...'

Darkesteyes Sat 05-Jan-13 21:22:35

Stuffit He is responsible for what is happening now for cheating on you in the first place.

tzella Sat 05-Jan-13 21:23:30

Sounds like he's being good about it all, which must be a relief too. I'd advise you to DETACH etc but your break up sounds so civil that it doesn't seem right to tell him you don't care, its his problem and to just sling his hook etc hmm

Mine was extraordinarily handsome too hmmgrinblush and the thought of never spooning up to his big strong freckly back ever again makes me feel.... great grin

Darkesteyes Sat 05-Jan-13 21:23:33

What Chipping in just said. 100%.

foolonthehill Sat 05-Jan-13 21:23:47

Keep the name flowers or not brew the truth is that you are worth a thousand of him .You posting again to say that you believe that now makes me grin.

<<pom poms> and a ((((hug)))))

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sat 05-Jan-13 21:24:42

tzella - well done you!!! I'm so glad you got there in the end.

People shouldn't be afraid to post for what others might say sad Yeah, you might get the odd numb nutz putting the boot in, but the majority will be supportive. Christ, most of us who post on these threads have been there before you and can only give advice because we've walked in your shoes!!

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sat 05-Jan-13 21:26:50

StuffIt - I wouldn't encourage him too much. An Ex 200 miles away is much better than an Ex 2 streets away - especially when you still love them and still find them attractive. He's an adult, he's making this decision - if he wants to go back 'home' - let him. Really, it will be much easier for you in the long run, even though right now you feel you want to keep him close.

Midwife99 Sat 05-Jan-13 21:35:54

Yes I agree - it will be heart wrenching to watch him move 200 miles away but it'll be really tempting to have him round the corner when you still love & fancy him so much. A clean break might be more painful but ultimately more freeing for you.

tzella Sat 05-Jan-13 21:36:30

Thank you Chipping thanks

Of course you're right about the name changing but I do think it's natural to be loathe to be seen to go on and on and not be seen to take a the excellent advice and support given here on board. As others posters might say "You must be so exasperated with me" and I'd hate anyone to get overwhelmed and feel they had to hide or leave sad

stuffitunderthebed Sat 05-Jan-13 21:43:17

I'll maybe name change in future for a fresh start. Just for myself. Silly but I sometimes can't even bear to check Threads I'm On if I've a thread going. I don't want to see what people have said. Makes it all real again. We're civilised at moment because we're both numb. Had a lovely christmas together so this is a bolt out of blue for him. He's done all the right things, we've been incredibly happy. We even had an amazing time on our 'honeymoon'. But it lurks. And it's always there. I suppose at back of my mind I want him to stay in area so that if in six months or something I find it doesn't hurt anymore and its meant to be, then it can be.

MagicHouse Sat 05-Jan-13 21:58:03

Hope you didn't think I was laughing at you, or at what happened! It was the comparison of posting on a "life without a tumble dryer" bit that made me laugh! I think that when people post on here with difficult stories, most people reading just hope everything works out for them, rather than judging. I hope you can work this out.

stuffitunderthebed Sat 05-Jan-13 22:02:34

Oh of course not magichouse! I was laughing at myself. One of my coping mechanisms is humour. I'm the clown at work. I'm genuinely pleased I made you laugh. Please don't worry - hard to convey tone on here, isn't it?

MagicHouse Sat 05-Jan-13 22:28:24

Oh that's good! Your comment is still making me laugh out loud! I obviously need to get out more! I don't know you, but I think things will work out for you - I think once you decide you're worth respect, then you find you start getting lots of it from people around you in your life. I can imagine you posting in a couple of years time having met some kind, gentle man, advising people who are in a similar predicament to the one you're in (as well as advising people whose dishwashers and tumble dryers have broken down not to worry and to get a life) grin

Proudnscaryvirginmary Sun 06-Jan-13 08:30:16

I wouldn't name change.

Yes I will remember your name and why I remember.

But I remember many, many other posters for one comment or one experience. There are two posters I 'know' whose children have died...I can't ever not remember that but it doesn't prevent me from seeing them as multi faceted people having a laugh or a grumble etc.

Be proud of who you are and what you've achieved. I'm in awe of someone who can do what you're doing when you are still in love with him.

Go, sista! <punches air in too-much-coffee stylee>

Proudnscaryvirginmary Sun 06-Jan-13 08:36:15

Oh and I know I said hi to you and asked how you were on another Relationships thread. I won't do that again - you can do without constant head-tilty, sympathetic questions I am sure!

Midwife99 Sun 06-Jan-13 09:51:14

I don't think any of us feel "pity" for you - I think it's more of a well done for coming through it kind of admiration. But I understand if you want a new name/fresh start if course.

HappyNewSkyebluesapphire Sun 06-Jan-13 14:08:00

Hi stuffit. I can't believe I missed this read, I didn't realise it was you..

Well done. You have made a very difficult decision, but you have made it for yourself. It doesn't matter what anybody else says or thinks. It is your life and your feelings. It sounds like he has tried hard to make it up to you, but if you cant forgive and forget, then it will NEVER work out in the long term.

This is why we were all so insistent that you should not go ahead with the wedding. It would make everything so much harder to deal with now if you had to file for divorce.

Half of me would like nothing more than for XH to knock on my door begging forgiveness and wanting to come home, even now. But the sane half of me knows that I would be constantly checking his emails, phone, facebook and everything. I would always wonder if he was in contact with OW when he was out of the house. and even if I did check everything, he could have more secret email addresses etc. I would never ever trust him again. Ever. and that is no way to live a life or a marriage.

You are young, you have plenty of time to meet somebody else, somebody who will love and respect you and not cheat on you.

Well done for having the strength to make this decision and for sticking to it.

It won't be easy, but we are all here to support you.

BerylStreep Mon 07-Jan-13 16:20:37

Hey Stuffit ((((hugs hun))))

blush <hangs head>

At least he has had the decency to try to make up for it. You have both tried everything, but the trust has been broken.

wine, duvet, exercise & Marion Keyes books are in order.

Ruprekt Mon 07-Jan-13 23:29:00

How are things?

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