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14yearold girl slept with 23yearild man

(166 Posts)
RileyTheLittleMonster Sun 30-Dec-12 21:21:29

This is not me!
I'm using different name, 14 year old girl-Jill
Man, jack

End if January I walked in and found jack ontop if Jill having sex, very disturbing.. these two people are well was really close to me. It's jills second time she lost her virginity at 13 but we found out a ciuple weeks after this happened.

Jills mum decided to ground her for two months and band her from seeing him for a couple if weeks until her 15th birthday.

Jill is my sister, my mum hasnt stopped her from seeing him he is around EVERY WEEKEND.

They lie on the sofa giving each other love bites, he sneakers upstairs at night until past 3am and he sets his alarm every morning at 6-7am to go upstairs .

I find it very weird but my mum is soft!! What shalld i di?

TheSecondComing Sun 30-Dec-12 21:23:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Report to SS. Your parent is complicit in the sexual molestation of a child.

She is not 'having sex', under the law she is being raped.

How old are you? Do you need some help? Think about calling childline or the nspcc - the nspcc will report it for you.

Booyhoo Sun 30-Dec-12 21:28:11

this is rape. you need to report it.

izzyizin Sun 30-Dec-12 21:29:05

What would you hope will happen if you report the fact that 'your 14yo dsis is having sex with a 23yo?

When will she become 15 and is she on the pill?

Booyhoo Sun 30-Dec-12 21:29:16

i actually cant believe that your mum's response was to ground your sister! fucking hell!

LaCiccolina Sun 30-Dec-12 21:33:46

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

ihearsounds Sun 30-Dec-12 21:36:06

SS and police.
If your mum doesn't like it tough. Someone has to act like an adult and protect a child.

Fairylea Sun 30-Dec-12 21:36:37

Call nspcc and police. It's rape and child abuse for your mum to continue to allow it.

I hope for everyone's sakes this isn't real.

RileyTheLittleMonster Sun 30-Dec-12 21:37:08

They had sex without using a condom and she isnt on the pill or any other conception.

I'm 18, suffered 3 miscarriages since April, 1 which was happening when I caught them. And I'm currently quite ill and only just able to leave bed without my partners help.

I don't know why my mum is doing this, she has always been so amazing but strict. But with Jill she doesn't do anything, my sister is a really horrible person.

Sadly, this is common - I work in a school and have had 3 of these in one term - some parents are just awful.

Poor you - why have you had 3 miscarriages ? It sounds like you need help too.

RileyTheLittleMonster Sun 30-Dec-12 21:39:42

This is a true post, i wouldnt waste your time. My mum said i can ring the police if i want.

My mum hasnt because she has twins aged 5, disabled son 8 and another son 13. So doesnt want them taken away, neither do i..

HestonsFatCock Sun 30-Dec-12 21:40:00

This is a crime and the laws of confidentiality don't have to cover a chat board if a child is being raped by an adult male with another adult female's compliance. Could MN get the details and hand over to the police? I think by law, they must report a crime such as this.

HestonsFatCock Sun 30-Dec-12 21:42:00

I hope your Mother is looking after you and your other siblings better than she is looking after her 14 year old daughter. I doesn't sound like it if she is saying you can "ring the police if you want". Fucking hell, I'm glad I don't have a mother like that.

RileyTheLittleMonster Sun 30-Dec-12 21:42:28

Lauries- I havent had tests yet, I lost my baby boy riley at 23weeks April(infection and weak cervix). Two at 7 weeks august 16th and 18th december. Need to wait 3 months for tests

cafebistro Sun 30-Dec-12 21:44:57

1. Report 'Jack'. He is abusing 'Jill' as she is a minor and cannot in the eyes of the law consent to sex.
2. Get some help for yourself. 3 miscarriages in the last 8 months is awful. You're only 18, what are you doing???

RileyTheLittleMonster Sun 30-Dec-12 21:46:18

I can promise you all she is a fantastic mum. To me and all her other kidsif we need her she is there every step of the way. It's just Jill always has to do something stupid, mum was going ti report it that night but I told her not to because i was miscarrying and the kids might get taken away. She listened and now she might get done because I didn't qant nore trouble sad.

izzyizin Sun 30-Dec-12 21:46:23

You are only 18 and have had 3 miscarriages since April shock Why do want to have a baby at such a young age?

I'm sorry to say it sounds as if your dsis is following in your footsteps.

If you report your dm/dsis/her bf, it's unlikely that anything very much will happen unless your dsis admits to having underage sex with this man - and I somehow think that's unlikely.

Nevertheless, you can but try. And I sincerely hope you'll set an example to your dsis by using contraception and avoid becoming pregnant again until you're a few years older.

Booyhoo Sun 30-Dec-12 21:48:49

if your mum is allowing her daughter to be raped in her house then i think SS need to be speaking to her and making sure she has the wit to raise 4 other children including one with additional needs! ring the police.

so sorry about your losses OP. can i ask why you are trying for a baby at 18? it's very young.

izzyizin Sun 30-Dec-12 21:50:00

Your dm is NOT going to lose her dc because one of them is having underage sex.

It seems to me that if anyone's going to report this matter it should be your dm. Talk to her and reassure her that she won't be risking any of her dc being taken into care if she makes contact with SS or your dsis's school to get her the help and advice she needs to stop her emulating you.

Maryz Sun 30-Dec-12 21:51:04

She is not a fantastic mum.

How come this mysterious man is sleeping downstairs in your house and sneaking around at night? Who is he? And does he know he will end up in jail?

Booyhoo Sun 30-Dec-12 21:51:10

no. sorry. a fantastic mother does not allow a 23 year old man to have sex with her 14 year old daughter. a fantastic mother would have called the police and would not be letting him in her house. she is not a fantastic mother. at best she is neglectful of your sister's wellbeing.

RileyTheLittleMonster Sun 30-Dec-12 21:51:14

Cafe- I was using protection will my first but didnt once and I fell pregnant. I dropped out of college at 16weeks and he died in April. As I wasnt in college u wanted ti get better and tryed again.. fell pregnant and miscarried again August. So i started college in september was using comdoms and went to doctoes for the pill but they was to busy talking about my thyroid to gove it me. Condom split fell pregnant miscarried couple if weeks ago.

Not planning on having kids now not well wnough concentrating on getting well and distinctions!

LynetteScavo Sun 30-Dec-12 21:51:19

So your mum has 6 DC, one of whom is disabled.....is she single? I would imagine she's exhausted, and feels she's lost control of your sister.

Do you live with them?

Fairylea Sun 30-Dec-12 21:51:33

If you are living at home with your mum in this situation then you need to ensure you are on excellent contraception for the time being to ensure that you do not become pregnant again until you can provide for yourself and your baby to live elsewhere. It's not a suitable environment for a baby. Or any child.

izzyizin Sun 30-Dec-12 21:51:49

What on earth makes you think your dm will 'get done'. Done for what?

LynetteScavo Sun 30-Dec-12 21:52:53

I think you need to make sure you have really good contraception in place.

It wouldn't be fair on you to have any more miscarriages, and if I'm really honest, a baby right now.

RileyTheLittleMonster Sun 30-Dec-12 21:54:47

I lost my virginity at 17.6 with a boy i was with for a year Izzy so she isn't following in mine.

They havent had sex since then and my mum diesnt know about him sneaking around because i haven't told her.

Fairylea Sun 30-Dec-12 21:56:52

It doesn't matter that she doesn't know about him sneaking around - although you should tell her - it's bad enough that she's letting her daughter have a relationship with him full stop and stay over.

Selks Sun 30-Dec-12 21:57:08

Please phone the police. They will be keener to focus on the man who is abusing your sister, not your Mum. Unless there are other issues she will not lose her children and she may gain more support actually.

Please do it. You need to protect your sister. She is under the age of consent and this man is committing a crime.

You do need to do it - I'm afraid that if you do not report it to the police you are condoning it happening. Be brave - do the right thing.

RileyTheLittleMonster Sun 30-Dec-12 21:57:31

Everyone I do not want a baby. I'm in cillege getting distinctions and im very ill and can barely move from my bed. I'm seeing if the doctors is open tomorrow to get contraception because im not fit enough and finacially stable for a baby.

cafebistro Sun 30-Dec-12 21:58:11

That's awful OP sad and such a lot to deal with at such a young age. As the other posters have said please get some reliable contraception for the time being as you really need to grieve your losses and also find out if there's an underlying reason for your miscarriages before conceiving again.
You also seem to have a stressful homelife and adding a baby into the mix might prove to be too much for you.

Maryz Sun 30-Dec-12 22:00:53

Why is he in the house? Is he a relative?

Your mum must know he is sleeping there. You need to tell her he is sneaking around, because you can't know that they haven't had sex since. In fact it's extremely unlikely they haven't.

I'm sorry for your loss sad. And I think you are wise to concentrate on your studies for now.

izzyizin Sun 30-Dec-12 22:00:54

You might not think she's following in you're footsteps, honey, but I'm guessing you may have got some extra attention when you announced your first pregnancy and, such is the way the minds of some 14yo girls work, your dsis may well have thought she wanted some of that.

If this man is sneaking around as you claim him to be, I don't see how you can say with any uncertainty that your dsis isn't continuing to have sex with him but, in any event, if you dm is unaware of what he/your dsis are getting up to while under her roof, I suggest you tell her asap.

Fairyegg Sun 30-Dec-12 22:02:28

How is your sisters behaviour / relationship with your mum generally? Ny history of sexual abuse? Perhaps your mum is thinking along the lines of at least she knows your sister is relatively safe if its happening under her roof? Perhaps to her that's better than the alternative of your sister going round his, his mates, parks etc where things are likely to get more out of control?

EleanorGiftbasket Sun 30-Dec-12 22:02:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Greensleeves Sun 30-Dec-12 22:04:56

I would call the police. You can do it anonymously if you prefer, but call them. This man is a bastard, and your sister, horrible or not, is too young to be in this position. And your mother needs a wake-up call.

I am so sorry to hear about the miscarriages.sad No wonder you are ill, your system must be completely knackered. Get some rest and look after yourself. And when you feel stronger, look at ways of moving out of that madhouse.

Booyhoo Sun 30-Dec-12 22:06:26

if he's sneaking up to her room during the night it isn't because he is cold! dont kid yourself that he hasn't raped her since!

call the police. there is a rapist sleeping on your mum's sofa!

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Sun 30-Dec-12 22:07:25

izzy is right this is your mother's responsibility. She shouldn't be giving this creep house-room.

Glad you are focusing on college now OP. Get yourself some good contraception, maybe talk to your GP about something a bit longer term/reliable (eg depo injection). Don't put yourself through this again.

Focus on your studies, you have plenty of time to get your qualifications and then start a family.

So sorry about the loss of your son.

Pantofino Sun 30-Dec-12 22:10:30

I would call Social Services. Your idea of normality sounds seriously skewed - hence your mother is parenting none of you responsibly and sounds like she needs all the help she can get.

izzyizin Sun 30-Dec-12 22:14:49

Call the police, have this man removed and prosecuted On what charge, Eleanor?

You also seem to be overlooking the fact that, as any alleged offence is not taking place under the OP's roof, only her dsis's mother is in a position to make a complaint against this man - and more particuarly as her dsis is unlikely to do so.

RileyTheLittleMonster Sun 30-Dec-12 22:19:44

Izzy she had sex before i did and before I found out i was expecting.

The man was my boyfriends best friend and jack and Jill met at my sons funeral.

My mums ex sexual abuse me my older and Jill when I was 10. Mum didnt know until we told he when i turned 14. Mum hasnt rung the police because she was scared that because its happened twice the kida will get taken away. The man who abused us only got put on the sex offenders.

Jill and ny mum used to be close until last year, Jill met some new friends and started geting drunk mum grounded her stopped her from staying at her friends and since then jill has been acting out.

It is my mums responsibilty, im going to talk to her about it when I see her. I just think she doesnt want to face reality.

RileyTheLittleMonster Sun 30-Dec-12 22:22:52

They have eviendence izzy. Jill was caught by the police getting on the train to a place. Which is where the man lives. But Jill lied to them.

BeQuicksieorBeDead Sun 30-Dec-12 22:26:34

Sounds like a good idea to talk to your mum OP. I think she needs to deal with this before the situation gets any worse.

At 14 it seems like a great idea to have an older boyfriend, but imagine yourself at 23 deciding to start having sex with a 14 year old. It isn't a normal or healthy relationship and it is illegal, as other posters have pointed out. Someone needs to help your little sis make better decisions, or she is going to carry on down this road.

It sounds like you would all benefit from some counselling on what has gone on in the past, your mum must feel terrible about it but she does need to protect you all now and prevent these horrible events reoccuring.

Fairyegg Sun 30-Dec-12 22:26:56

Sounds like there are lots of issues going on here and your mum is trying to do what she thinks is right in a very complex situation. Is SOcial services involved with your family at all? Is your sister attending school? Would either your mum, yourself, your sister or a combination of all 3 of you feel happy to discuss your worries with your sisters form tutor / year head/ deputy head / head? Would your sister go to the gp or family planning with you to get contraception sorted?

Maryz Sun 30-Dec-12 22:27:36

Your boyfriends best friend shouldn't be sleeping on your mum's sofa (or in your sister's bed hmm).

Can your boyfriend warn him off? Doesn't he have his own phone.

If your mum doesn't report this and someone finds out she is more likely to lose the children than if she reports it herself.

Who was the other man your sister slept with? Was that also in your mum's house?

Because it sounds to me as though "Jill" might be better off away from your mum atm. Social services might be able to help her.

SirBoobAlot Sun 30-Dec-12 22:33:45

I think all three of you need help, tbh. The whole situation sounds desperately sad.

MrsSham Sun 30-Dec-12 22:35:27

Your user name seems a little odd, I find it a little bit chilling if I'm honest.

Your bf needs to get jack out the house and you need to call ss to get your mum the support she needs to protect her children.

RileyTheLittleMonster Sun 30-Dec-12 22:35:51

Social service were when she was caught by police at train station. She's in school doing very well.

My boyfriend has tryed to, but jack doesnt want anything to do with him. He only stayed that night because he was 'supporting' us through our mc.

The other man was 15 i think when she was 13 not in our house we onky found out because jack told us a couple weeks after.

RileyTheLittleMonster Sun 30-Dec-12 22:37:03

Mrssham my user name?

izzyizin Sun 30-Dec-12 22:37:31

All the police have evidence of is your dsis being found on her way to wherever, and that is not sufficient grounds to bring about a prosecution for sexual offences against an underage girl, honey.

However, that incident can serve to illustrate the bigger picture which is that your dsis would appear to be beyond your dm's control and there is no shame, nor will there be any blame, if your dm asks SS for help in getting your dsis back on the straight and narrow before she ends up pg at 14/15 or worse.

Your dm may feel fearful about involving SS but you can do much to reassure her that any fears she may have are groundless.

If your dm is completely against talking to SS, encourage her to have a word with your dsis's head teacher before she has cause to regret not taking action when there was opportunity to do so.

MrsSham Sun 30-Dec-12 22:37:38

He's not staying at your mums on a regular basis then? This is becoming confusing, you need to call them again as the situation with a 23 year old far more of a concern than another 15 year old, they need to know that your dsis is out of your mums control.

Maryz Sun 30-Dec-12 22:41:27

So is he staying every night or not?

You are confusing me.

If it was a once-off, that is maybe a bit different from an ongoing situation. It is still wrong, and you should still report it, but it isn't so urgent if your mum doesn't let him stay any more.

Does your b/f live with you as well?

Fairyegg Sun 30-Dec-12 22:42:30

Totally agree with izzy.

MrsSham Sun 30-Dec-12 22:42:56

Spots izzy

RileyTheLittleMonster Sun 30-Dec-12 22:42:57

Izzy, what should i say to her? I'm going to talk to her on Tuesday when I see her.

Hes stays every weekend when im there. He isnt allowed to stay without me there.

MrsSham Sun 30-Dec-12 22:43:20

Spots ?? Xpost even

Fairylea Sun 30-Dec-12 22:43:55

Why when you're there?

MrsSham Sun 30-Dec-12 22:44:53

You need to tell your mum that he can't stay when you are there. Tell her that is because he is seeking around.

Tell ss what the situation is.

RileyTheLittleMonster Sun 30-Dec-12 22:45:55

I stay with my boyfriend Sunday-Thursday because of college. Then I go home Thursday to Sunday to see my family.

He comes most weekends but not every.

Mrssham what do you mean my user name unsettles you?

Fairylea Sun 30-Dec-12 22:47:22

Is your mum mistakenly thinking he is staying because of you and your boyfriend? If so you need to tell her.

Your boyfriend should distance himself from him as well if he hasn't already.

MrsSham Sun 30-Dec-12 22:47:59

I find it odd that your ds who has passed is used in same connotation as little monster. I find it a little unusual someone would do that.

Lurkingtonight Sun 30-Dec-12 22:49:03

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

RileyTheLittleMonster Sun 30-Dec-12 22:49:16

My num thinks him and my boyfriend are still close and i have known the man to say he is coming up to see lee but we dont know. My bf has distanced his self

EleanorGiftbasket Sun 30-Dec-12 22:50:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maryz Sun 30-Dec-12 22:51:44

You have to tell him he can't stay. That's ridiculous hmm.

If he is only there when you are there, then you are enabling him to rape your sister. Tell him to stop.

RileyTheLittleMonster Sun 30-Dec-12 22:51:46

Mrs sham when I got a positive pregnancy test my boyfriend held my belly and said thats our little monster. From then his nickname was "outlittlemonster".

DontYouJingleMyChristingle Sun 30-Dec-12 22:52:26

I quite agree Eleanor.

Leithlurker Sun 30-Dec-12 22:52:56

This is going downhill very quickly.

peanutMD Sun 30-Dec-12 22:53:08

I kind of agree with MrsSham.

Your username is slightly unnerving given that your DS, Riley, died at 23 Weeks in utero it seems a bit odd to be calling him a little monster.

MrsSham Sun 30-Dec-12 22:54:05

Hmm not sure I buy that, seems very unusual still. Anyway I'm crossing the lines of troll hunting so I should probably report and say no more.

RileyTheLittleMonster Sun 30-Dec-12 22:54:16

Is it disturbing? It was his nickname before he past away! It's what my boyfriend first called him.

BOFingSanta Sun 30-Dec-12 22:54:18

I thought it was a character in some fanfic.

RileyTheLittleMonster Sun 30-Dec-12 22:56:13

Look my user name is personal and wasnt put out to be disturbing. Every child has a nickname and we created that one whwn he was 8 weeks

Maryz Sun 30-Dec-12 22:56:39

Have you not reported yet MrsSham?

I presumed everyone would have.

Fairyegg Sun 30-Dec-12 22:56:45

I fail to see what the op nickname has to do with anything. It's clearly a nickname that she used before he passed which she has chosen to keep. Whetever you find it odd or not really doesn't matter, different strokes for difference folks and all that.

Fairylea Sun 30-Dec-12 22:58:55

Why haven't you told your mum he's not coming to see you and your boyfriend? Why haven't you stuck up for your sister and told him to fuck the fuck off?

RileyTheLittleMonster Sun 30-Dec-12 22:58:57

I'm not some sick woman. He was a perfect babu, defiantly an angel so I'm sorry if anyone took it offensivley its inly his nickname my partner made up for him. when we found out sad.

Fairyegg Sun 30-Dec-12 22:58:58

I'm clearly missing something. Why would everyone be reporting op? Yes the whole family situation seems very messed up, but sadly what the op poster describes isn't that uncommon.

MrsSham Sun 30-Dec-12 22:59:09

I like to see how these things develop first maryz as they can get quite interesting before they go puff.

Leithlurker Sun 30-Dec-12 22:59:34

Can people just let the name thing go, it is of no importance, some people do speak like that some do not. I think we have a young person here who needs a lot of guidance and pulling her name apart is not helping.

That said I think op you need real life support right now, phone childlike, pr nspcc, get talking to someone in real life not on here as this is going off track and you sound like you need someone who is clear and not emotional to talk to.

Lurkingtonight Sun 30-Dec-12 23:00:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IMO that is nothing to be unnerved about MrsSham. I have a similar sort of affectionate nickname for my DS1 who also was stillborn at just before 24 weeks. I can't say it as it would out myself, but would hate to think that people would think it inappropriate for me to call my own son his 'bump name' just because he died sad. It sounds plausible enough to me.

OP, you do need to do something. Otherwise you are complicit in this abusive 'relationship'. Think about it - what good, decent 23-year old man wants to have sex with a 14-year old girl? And if your mum only lets it happen when you are there, then you are enabling it both by not objecting and by not spelling it out to your mother that he is sneaking upstairs. Don't kid yourself - this is a predatory relationship - he is doing very adult things to someone who is a young teen...a child actually sad.

RileyTheLittleMonster Sun 30-Dec-12 23:01:22

Thankyou fairy it was a nickname before he past. He was a beautiful baby looked like his dad with a little button nose.

Ive spoke to my sister she thinks. Trying to ruin her life and relationship sad

izzyizin Sun 30-Dec-12 23:01:23

Talk to your dm like you've talked to us. Tell her everything that's been going on with your dsis and with this 23yo man she's become invoved with.

Tell your dm you were wrong to imply that she may lose her dc if she asks SS for help to encourage your dsis to comply with rules that are appropriate for her age, and urge her to take action before it's too late.

I also suggest you put your dislike of your dsis to one side and talk to her as her 'big sis' who is concerned for her welfare and doesn't want to see her getting pg and missing out on her education and all that life has to offer those who delay having dc until they've seen something of the world, and are set up financially to give their dc the best possible start in life.

Put your money where your mouth is and set an example to your siblings by not getting pg until you're established in a career you love and are happily settled in a long term relationship.

Greensleeves Sun 30-Dec-12 23:01:48

trollhunters really should fuck off. Just report if you are sceptical, no need to post it and risk upsetting someone.

Crap form.

PS. OP I am so sorry to hear about your little boy, who I am sure was perfect, and your other little ones too.

peanutMD Sun 30-Dec-12 23:05:46

Why does your boyfriends best friend live at your mothers house?

Has anyone confronted him about this issue?

Has your sister spoke to anyone about their relationship?

Have you sought counselling after your miscarriages?

Does your mother recieve any help from family/friends/social services for your disabled brother?

RileyTheLittleMonster Sun 30-Dec-12 23:05:56

Needing- sorry to hear about your loss. Im going to talk to my mum.

Izzy thankyou i will talk to her. I've tryed speaking to my sister. I'm concentrating on college and Uni.

Lurkingtonight Sun 30-Dec-12 23:06:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Onezerozero Sun 30-Dec-12 23:09:10

I have seen this poster around for moths with this or a very similar user name.

Riley - Sometimes when you are in a situation it is almost impossible to see it properly. Have you or your sisters had any counselling about the abuse you suffered?
Your boyfriend's friend has spotted a vulnerable child, your sister, and is abusing her again. Please please speak to someone in authority about this. The police, social services, someone.

RileyTheLittleMonster Sun 30-Dec-12 23:09:54

He doesnt live, stays some weekends.

I've tryed speaking to the man he tells my sister and she yells at me

I've tryed speaking to my sister and mum doesn't get any help so she works 3jobs trying to afford everything.

Leithlurker Sun 30-Dec-12 23:11:20

What the fricken hell has the disabled child and the op's MC's got to do with this or you Peanut. Stick to the problem then the op can have nice clear information which if she does not take will point to it being a troll. Trolls embellish stick to the facts and if it is a troll then they will get bored.

I have no idea if this is a troll but I always treat as I find.

izzyizin Sun 30-Dec-12 23:11:28

As I didn't realise you'd tried speaking to your dsis, please ignore that part of my last response that suggests you talk to her as you've everything you can in that respect and it's now down to your mum to rein her in using every resource possible.

RileyTheLittleMonster Sun 30-Dec-12 23:12:26

I am so sorry i was ment to put July not january! The ine time I dont check back sorry!

My sister is hides hee feelings and wont speak to anyone

Maryz Sun 30-Dec-12 23:14:33

If he only stays there when you and your boyfriend are there, then you need to tell him he can't.

If he stays there when you aren't there, you need to tell your mum to tell him he can't.

If you can't stop him staying there, you need to tell the police and/or social services. Otherwise you are condoning a crime.

RileyTheLittleMonster Sun 30-Dec-12 23:15:10

I can honestly and truely promise this isnt a"laugh". This post is serious and i know its all messed up which is why im trying to sort it. Im just feeling very fed up with everything sad

Leithlurker Sun 30-Dec-12 23:16:39

Riley just make yourself phone for help, this is too big for you and your mum to cope with on your own Your mum will be protected, so will you and your partner. Your sister though needs some very seriouse help. She has been targeted by someone who is doing her harm and he has her so confused that she cannot see it. You need other people, involved. Tell us you wil phone if not now then first thing in the morning.

peanutMD Sun 30-Dec-12 23:17:38

Leith, I was asking about help with regards to her disabled brother as it sounds as though home life is very stressful for everyone! If OP's mum is on her own I was going to suggest contacting social services about some sort of support/respite network.

I don't see how that's an issue tbh hmm

And for the record nothing anyone posts on this or any other website has anything to do with any of us until we are asked about it and given information so get a grip.

RileyTheLittleMonster Sun 30-Dec-12 23:19:20

Lieth, im talking to my mum first on Tuesday then ill get her to do the rest

Leithlurker Sun 30-Dec-12 23:19:39

I am afraid everyone who has said that you will be helping this man abuse your sister by doing nothing or nothing that helps at any rate is correct Riley, you have to do this it is not a choice you must phone and get help.

MrsSham Sun 30-Dec-12 23:19:51

I think peanut may be getting at the fact if mum has support for ds then she may have someone who could advice her and equally if she has a lot to manage with little support then seeking support may be useful in how she is able to manage this situation. I'm sure it may be far more difficult to manage a child who is out of control whilst single handedly supporting a child with complex needs as well as other children. I think asking what support mum has is very relevant.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sun 30-Dec-12 23:20:02

Your mum is allowed your sister to be sexually abused sad

Leithlurker Sun 30-Dec-12 23:21:18

Thats only good enough Riley if you make it clear that on Tuesday you or her will make the call. Anything less and you will both be helping this man hurt your sister.

DontYouJingleMyChristingle Sun 30-Dec-12 23:22:03

Look this is not about your username.

Your sister is underage, this guy is abusing her.

Your mum may not be reporting him, but you can.

Tell your mum either she stops him coming there and reports him to the Police when you speak to her (make sure you are present so you know she has) or you will report him and it will look worse for her.

Your sister has already been through enough as you know, she needs your mum or you to step and protect her. She may not like you for it now, but in time she will understand. At 14 with her experiences she cannot see how wrong this is.

RileyTheLittleMonster Sun 30-Dec-12 23:22:49

Mum doesn't get any support. She works three jobs to provide for us

Leithlurker Sun 30-Dec-12 23:23:38

Not in the way she asked it though as if it was a cross examination. And the MC that was relevant how? Or does being on contact with a nurse give Riley special access to support that could be used to help her sister.

MrsSham Sun 30-Dec-12 23:24:12

Are you in the u.k OP, if so your mum and brother may be entitled to support.

RileyTheLittleMonster Sun 30-Dec-12 23:24:35

I am calling on Tuesday

Fairyegg Sun 30-Dec-12 23:25:03

Have you tried ringing the nspcc or childlike on behalf of your sister? They should be able to advise you in confidence. It seems to me that your sister (and perhaps yourself) are lacking in self respect, and I mean that kindly. I once heard someone say that until you learn to treat yourself with respect, nobody else will either. After abuse many people feel they don't deserve that respect and hence 'allow' situations to occur, especially sexual ones, that they really shouldn't. Could that be true for your sister? Do you think there's anything that could improve her self respect, getting into a hobby, getting good grades at school etc? Could you help her / yourself / the whole family to arrange counselling? Maybe see your doctor or ask at your sisters school? I really think speaking to childline or the nspcc would be a great starting point and then encourage your mum to talk about home matters with the school, maybe with you supporting her?.

Leithlurker Sun 30-Dec-12 23:25:41

Riley Jingle is absolutly right, it is up to you. I know thats not what you want but thats how it is.

RileyTheLittleMonster Sun 30-Dec-12 23:28:00

In the UK MrsSham but she doesn't get support. He has part of his brain missimg which causes learning difficulties and anger problems

MrsSham Sun 30-Dec-12 23:30:38

I think an assesment of your brothers needs And a separate carers assesment may help your mum in the long run.

RileyTheLittleMonster Sun 30-Dec-12 23:31:26

I've been trying to support her but she wont open upto me. Thank you for your advice everyone. Going to ring Nspcc tomorrow see what they say. Make sure my mum knows she is alone and nothing bad will happen. Thank you again thanks

Leithlurker Sun 30-Dec-12 23:32:10

Riley never mind your brother, focus on your sister. I would hope that once others are involved more support for your mum and your brother would be made available, I knoiw your mum works hard and probably she is very very tired and stressed. I think a lot of good could come out of contacting ss but it is vital that this man stops abusing your sister, he is abusing you all and getting away with it. It has to stop.

peanutMD Sun 30-Dec-12 23:32:41

Riley, I know it may be hard but for the sake of your sister you NEED to call someone and report this or atleast call Social Services to request help for your mum.

Everything in your posts suggest that things at home are hectic and your mum has probably given up arguing with your sister, unfortunately though this can't be put aside like an argument about wearing too much make up or staying out past curfew this is a fight to stop your vulnerable sister being ABUSED.

You say you were abused in the past so you more than most know how it can manipulate your thoughts especially if the culprit is 'affectionate' towards you, this is essentially grooming her to believe that she wants it to happen.

Please, please, please don't leave it any longer she may hate you for a little while but it will save her from hating herself in years to come!!

NaturalBaby Sun 30-Dec-12 23:33:50

You are 18, the most you should be worrying about is doing well at college.

Your mum needs support, she can't just hide at home with all these issues and worry that her kids will get taken away - it's not helping anyone and as you can see the problems are not going away. How bad does it have to get?
A lot of damage has been done and is being done - sexual abuse in the past and right now. Your mum needs to stand up for her kids and take responsibility for their welfare. That's her job as your mother, not yours.

MrsSham Sun 30-Dec-12 23:35:08

I think it is important to consider her brother and her mum. it must be very difficult for mum to be coping and support that will benifits the whole family is equally important, if mum is doing 3 jobs and caring for her family single handedly then the appropriate support is vital in ensuring mum can manage her families needs and that includes the sisters situation.

peanutMD Sun 30-Dec-12 23:39:19

Bloody hell Leith if you insist on reading my words in a bizarre tone I shall spell it out for you.

I asked in the way I did because I have asked the same questions that have been asked 10x before with no reply.

I assumed they must be getting lost in the sentences, so outright questions would be easier to see.

The reason I asked about counselling is because I think that the OP is struggling with the miscarriages and then all of this on top. I thought it would be a good idea to perhaps speak to someone about everything.

Apparently not hmm

MrsSham Sun 30-Dec-12 23:40:56

Also if any of your siblings are under school age it may be worth contacting home start in your area and ask if they can provide any support to your mum. I think your mum would really benifit from this type of support. here

I want to know why on earth your boyfriend's friend is staying over when you do. What the heck business does he have being there? You say he can only stay when you are there. Why is he there at all? You are allowing this abuse of your sister by bringing this man into your home. And your mum is even worse since she is allowing all of this to happen while she is the responsible adult. Yes, you should call NSPCC and SS, but why is he in the house in the first place?

RileyTheLittleMonster Sun 30-Dec-12 23:43:37

I am going to call nspcc for advice.

TwoFacedCows Sun 30-Dec-12 23:43:42

Jesus, how strange and messed up! i did think the user name was very odd, but i do recall seeing the name before.

Fairyegg Sun 30-Dec-12 23:44:56

Good luck op. you clearly care very much for your sister, she's lucky to have you, just make sure you follow though with some sort of plan to help her now.

RileyTheLittleMonster Sun 30-Dec-12 23:48:15

Can my username please stay out of this. He was named our little monster when I got a postive test. Im going to change it tomorrow.

Id do anything to help her out

manic4boys Mon 31-Dec-12 00:10:11

Don't feel you have to change your name, i'm sure most people give their 'bump' a name, sorry to hear about your losses.
Your mum is entitled to so much help, maybe advise her to call CAB?
Call the nspcc tomorrow about your sister and see what they suggest.
Hope you are feeling better soon.

SophieBirkBirk Mon 31-Dec-12 00:21:03

Just changed my name, dont want to explain to people why my name is that just because my little boy had a nickname then unfortantly died.

I'm going to talk to them, then hopeful/y sort everything out. Thankyou for the support evryone

nannyof3 Mon 31-Dec-12 00:28:09

U need to go on the pill urself

peanutMD Mon 31-Dec-12 00:33:13

Nanny I think Riley/Sophie has already explained the circumstances of her pregnancies and has made arrangements for contraception.

Sophie as a total aside, I had the implant which seemed to be effective and not as easily messed up as the pill. It lasts 3 years smile

izzyizin Mon 31-Dec-12 00:36:41

You didn't have to change your name, sweetie, but now that you have done I want you to know I'll always remember Riley, the little monster sad

YellowTulips Mon 31-Dec-12 00:50:47

Oh dear, what a very sad thread.

Sophie, firstly I am very sad for your loss. I think you have made a positive, wise and mature decision to get appropriate contraception (please make sure you do this and follow through) and focus on your education.

To respond to your post:

You love your mum, but you need to separate what you feel from her actions. She isn't being a good mum to you or your sister right now. There may be understandable reasons for this in respect of the pressure of care for other siblings and lack of support, but it is a harsh truth you need to accept.

This "man" pervert should not be allowed in the home and she needs to address this. She should not be placing a decision to call the police on you, that's her job.

I think as a start you need to speak to someone in confidence who can help you, such as the NSPCC or Childline. Find out what the options are and then speak to your mother and ask her what SHE intends to do next.

Good luck - I wish you all the best

BonkeyMollocks Mon 31-Dec-12 00:51:56

Nothing to add but stay strong and good luck? x

BonkeyMollocks Mon 31-Dec-12 00:53:09

That should be a ! not ? .

SophieBirkBirk Mon 31-Dec-12 00:55:32

Thank you izzy it means alot, its always nice to hear and know that someine understand thanks

Thank you for your advice everyone it has been taken on bored and i will act upon it.

SophieBirkBirk Mon 31-Dec-12 00:57:49

Thank yiu bonkey, uour name made me laugh.. its cool!

BonkeyMollocks Mon 31-Dec-12 01:07:18

Ta very much grin

Onezerozero Mon 31-Dec-12 02:29:06

I am sorry you felt like you had to change your name too. Some people are thoughtless and cruel and they don't understand loss. sad
I am sorry about what happened to Riley and I really hope you do take care of yourself now, as well as trying to help your sister and your family, because you have clearly had a terrible time.

izzyizin Mon 31-Dec-12 04:49:42

You've had a great deal to cope with of late, Sophie, and it's not your place to take the weight of the world your family on your shoulders.

The stark reality is that given the backlog of reports, some critical, of children at risk that will have built up over the Christmas/New Year holidays, if you make contact with the NSPCC later today it is unlikely that any enquiries will be made by your dm's local SS until sometime next week at the earliest.

I would therefore suggest that you spend today concentrating on your own health and make it your prority to go see a doctor as you've planned.

When you see your dm on Tuesday, sit down with her, outline your concerns about your dsis, be honest with her about what you know has been taking place, and urge her to make contact with SS as a matter of urgency.

Your dm needs to know that she has nothing to fear from asking for help with, and for, your dsis who is exhibiting behaviour that is not uncommon in young people who have suffered historic sexual abuse*.

From what you've said, your dm is doing everything within her power to keep her family together but she needs the benefit of SS intervention to enable her to promote your dsis's welfare and wellbeing.

It's probable that past sexual abuse is causing your dsis to act out but this extreme attention seeking behaviour may be exascerbated by the amount of time your dm is required to attend to the needs of your disabled db an younger siblings.

I cannot emphasise enough that voluntarily contacting SS is NOT going to put your dm at risk of losing her dc, but she should give thought to how it will appear to others if, for example, your dsis is found to be pg at 14 or 15.

Should this occur, it's probable it will emerge that your dsis has been having underage sex with a 23yo man while under your dm's roof and IMO your dm has more than enough to contend with without having that visited on her.

If, after hearing your full and frank disclosure, your dm is unwilling to make contact with SS or your dsis's headteacher, report your concerns to the NSPCC and they will subsequently notify your dm's local authority who are duty bound to investigate any reports passed to them by that agency.

However, please be aware that if your dm and your dsis deny that anything untoward is taking place or refuse any offer of help, and if your dsis's school have no concerns about her behaviour, that will most probably be the end of the matter and you will have to content yourself with knowing that you've done everything possible to demonstrate your love and concern for your dm and dsis.

izzyizin Mon 31-Dec-12 05:34:04

Apropos the * in the above, children who have been sexualised at an early age can feel older than their years and it occurs to me you should give some consideration to whether what happened to you has any bearing on your apparent desire to have baby at such an early age, Sophie.

It may be that, through no fault of your dm, you are harbouring some feelings of lack; perhaps of the parental love and attention oldest dcs' can perceive as having bypassed them in favour of younger and more demanding dc.

You wouldn't unusual if you sought to fill this lack, this void, by having a baby; perhaps in the belief that you will have someone in your life who will unquestionably and exclusively love you and that you can shower with love and attention.

Or perhaps it seems to you that you should have a baby because you waited until what may seem, in contrast with your peers, the ripe old age of 17+ to lose your virginity to the young man you intend to spend the rest of your life with - and having babies is what adults do to show their commitment to each other.

But the very young woman you are now is not the young woman you will be when you are 25 and, when you reach that age, you will look back and be astounded at how much you thought you knew and how little you actually knew - and how little you still know smile

You have a very long life ahead of you, honey, and I urge you not to be in any rush to bring dc into this world until you have fully experienced a lot more of it. As for your dp, if it is intended that he is to be your lifelong partner nothing will prevent this happening, but you do not need to demonstrate your commitment to each other by having a baby to cement your union at this early stage in your lives and in your relationship.

I sincerely hope that you will keep posting here and that you'll find time to dip in and out of all the various boards as you'll learn so much from the collective wisdom of this site - I can only wish it was available when I was your age and I also wish that more youngs girls would discover it and use it's extensive resources to empower them.

And that's what 'girl power' is about, honey. Not the cheap tokenism peddled by a manufactured girl band, but the knowledge that is handed down by women to women in the hope that future generations will be empowered to take no shit control of their lives and become all that they can be without being dependent or reliant on men for their personal and professional fulfilment.

I wish you a very Happy New Year and look forward to your update after you've spoken to your dm.

Namely Mon 31-Dec-12 09:27:11

Well I was going to post but izzy has said it all really. There are many children growing up with problems such as the OP's and in families that need support. Please follow izzy's advice OP and good luck.

DontYouJingleMyChristingle Mon 31-Dec-12 09:35:28

Well said Izzy.

Sophie please follow Izzy's advice.

sparklekitty Mon 31-Dec-12 09:42:21

I was once that 13/14 year old. The 'relationship' became more and more odd and abusive and secretive. I still suffer MH issues as a result and have spent years in therapy. Call the police and report him, I wish someone had done that for me.

OhLittleTownofWesternWind Mon 31-Dec-12 11:07:06

Sophie you've had plenty of good advice about your sister so I won't add to it.

I just wanted to say, please change your name back. If that's one of your ways of thinking of/remembering/celebrating your precious Riley then please don't let nasty comments on here make you change that. So sorry for your losses.

freeandhappy Mon 31-Dec-12 11:57:23

Surely the man shoul be reported to the police? He will move on to another child even if Sophie manages to get him away from her sis. He is a pedophile rapist and should be reported.

chipsahoynicki Mon 31-Dec-12 15:38:03

I've been there too Sparkle, same age. I'm in therapy now because of it. I have PTSD and suffer anxiety and panic. Please please help your sister.

Thinking of you Sparkle.

garlicbaubles Mon 31-Dec-12 15:53:13

Izzy's said what I would, too, Sophie, including the part about understanding why you wanted to keep Riley's nickname alive.

It's good to protect your sister and your mum. First, though, take good care of yourself - as the cabin crew says before take-off, "secure your own oxygen before attempting to help others". Keep talking and asking for help - and go for that distinction! Good luck smile

CinnabarRed Mon 31-Dec-12 20:51:37

I'm truly sorry to harp on about names, sweetheart, but if you have any concerns whatsoever about keeping anonymous then perhaps it would be a good idea to ask MN to pull this thread and start a new one.

(Assuming that your given name in RL is Sophie, and that the male name mentioned in one of your earlier posts is your boyfriend's real name, and that your beautiful boy (RIP) was indeed called Riley - if all of that is true then you could almost certainly be identified, particularly as the sister of twins and a SN younger brother.)

Please do believe that I post this out of concern, and not as a dig at you.

SophieBirkBirk Tue 01-Jan-13 16:17:20

I forgot about real names, and saying how many siblings I have! I'm going to leave this post now. Thank you all so much for your advice. I am going to speak to my mum today, I'm now on conception and my thyroid is apparently getting better so the new year is becoming brighter already.

I will make sure something is done about the situation, if my mum doesn't do something about it I will make sure as Jack and Jill's presence makes me feel really uncomfortable.

I'm going to change my user name back to something how it was but different. Thank you all for giving me the courage to do something about it smile Especially Izzy You're advice has been amazing and you say it how it is. That's what i normally do.

Happy New Year everyone grin. x

WeAreEternal Tue 01-Jan-13 16:43:50

Your posts are slightly confusing but you definitely need to call the police.

Some years ago I found out that my 15 year old sister was seeing a 21 year old, she wasn't a virgin, she had just gotten out for a two year relationship, but I knew the 21yr old and knew he was trouble so I called the police. They didn't want to do much and my sister lied and said they they weren't having sex so he wasnt charged.
He became very controlling and I was very worried about DSIS.
It took a while (and the help of my sister ex) but we eventually convinced her to end the relationship, then things turned sour, he stalked her, for months, following her to and from school, waiting out side of her weekend job, leaving her presents and letters at the back door and on her window ledge.
The police were very helpful and in the end he was charged with statutory rape and sent to prison for just over a year.

He also gave my sister chlamydia.

Your sister is a child, it is your responsability to protect her.

izzyizin Tue 01-Jan-13 20:18:25

Firstly, it isn't Sophie's responsibility to protect her dsis WAE as that duty more properly falls to her dm and/or her df.

Secondly, as you clearly know, unless Sophie's dsis is willing co-operate the police cannot act in this matter and involving them at this point may cause the dsis to believe that she and her current sexual partner are 'star-crossed lovers' with a predictably negative outcome

Sophie's dsis is in need of professional help to enable her to understand what has caused her to enter into a relationship with an adult male who does not have her best interests at heart, and why it is inappropriate for her to be sexually active without using contraceptive protection at this time in her young life.

In doing well in her studies, Sophie can lead by example to her siblings by showing that education is where it's at and, to that end, I sincerely hope she'll be putting any thoughts of becoming pg again out of her mind until she's firmly established in a career of her choice.

Happy New Year to you, too, Sophie. I hope 2013 is the year you'll look back on as the one in which you came of age emotionally and began to focus on seeking fulfilment through educational achievement.

SophieBirkBirk Wed 02-Jan-13 01:41:39

Thank you izzy, I hope on one day becoming a midwife or even neonatal nurse to help those get through what I've been through but with more positive. My partner is very supportive of this and is hoping to expand on his business this year so having a baby is out of the picture for a while, which is the clever thing to do smile. I always try to be a good role model to my younger siblings, they mean alot to me. They'll get far because I'm going to be kicking them up the ass until they are who. they want to be [from]

Happy new year izzy, hope its a brilliant year for you thanks

It is beyond me how anyone can condone or facilitate the sexual abuse of a child and this is, bottom line, what you and your mother are doing unless you report what is going on.

What is going to make you take action? When you find him with a 12 year old?

Do you not think social services should be involved? I do, your mother is not fulfilling her bloody job description is she and obviously needs help. Either way i firmly believe that both you and she are complicit in the abuse of your sister by not reporting this.

And Izzy you have a screw loose if you don't think we have a collective responsibility as a members of society to report abuse. It is not just a mother or fathers role but anyone, aunt, sister, uncle, school teacher, friend.

FellatioNelson Wed 02-Jan-13 06:34:51

OK, haven't read the thread - just steaming in. If you are only 18 and you have had three MCs since April then you are hardly setting your sister a good example or are in any position to preach about birth control are you?

The man needs to be reported and your mother needs a good shake for enabling this to continue.

I don't think it is unrealistic to expect 24 yo girls to want sex with boys they love. I do think it is unreasonable for 23 yo adult men to take advantage of that. And more than a bit weird.

I don't think I'll bother reading the thread as I suspect I might find every aspect of it depressing.

FellatioNelson Wed 02-Jan-13 06:42:25

I have a 23 yo nephew who is extremely inexperienced with girls, and quite immature due to a history of various LDs, dyslexia, ADD and imho undiagnosed dyspraxia and AS.

I can imagine when he eventually gets a GF she will be quite a bit younger than him, but I hope he would not on any level think that someone under the age of consent was a viable proposition. And if he did, I would hope that my DSis and BIL would do whatever they could to put a stop to it pretty damned quick.

So have u spoken to nspcc?

SophieBirkBirk Wed 02-Jan-13 14:35:52

My miscarriages have nothing to do with this topic. Plus she doesnt know about the 2 at 7 weeks. I'm on birth control now and if you ask anyone I know tgey will tell you I'm a good role model to my family and others.

All you need to know is that we've started to control the situation and we continue to do so until Its sorted. My mum was scared because what happened previously and i do not expect any of you to understand that. All that matter is thw situation is getting sorted. Ou can say my mums a bad mum because you dont know her, shed do anything for her kids and she just melted underpressure. As for me being a bad role model, keep thinking that. The two jobs i want in the future are to help others. I've had 3 pregnancies doesnt make me a bad person.

JamieandtheMagiTorch Wed 02-Jan-13 15:11:52

Good luck OP

Great posts izzy

FellatioNelson Wed 02-Jan-13 15:20:26

OK, finally read the thread. Fucking hell, it's one of those that unfolds like a car crash in slow motion, isn't it?

I can do no more than repeat the excellent post from yellowtulips which says all that can possibly be said under the circumstances, and in the least judgemental way, which is something I clearly lack the capacity for, because this stuff depresses me so much.

So once more with feeling, from yellowtulips

Oh dear, what a very sad thread.

Sophie, firstly I am very sad for your loss. I think you have made a positive, wise and mature decision to get appropriate contraception (please make sure you do this and follow through) and focus on your education.

To respond to your post:

You love your mum, but you need to separate what you feel from her actions. She isn't being a good mum to you or your sister right now. There may be understandable reasons for this in respect of the pressure of care for other siblings and lack of support, but it is a harsh truth you need to accept.

This "man" pervert should not be allowed in the home and she needs to address this. She should not be placing a decision to call the police on you, that's her job.

I think as a start you need to speak to someone in confidence who can help you, such as the NSPCC or Childline. Find out what the options are and then speak to your mother and ask her what SHE intends to do next.

Good luck - I wish you all the best

SophieBirkBirk Wed 02-Jan-13 15:22:28

Thank you JamieandtheMagiTorch thanks. I agree Izzy's posts have been fantastic help.

SophieBirkBirk Wed 02-Jan-13 15:28:33

Fella thank you for the reply, my mum has started to sort the situation and knows she was wrong to not take responsability straight away.

I'm defiantly sticking to contraception as I'm having recurrent miscarriage testing in 3 months and they cant test if I get pregnant. Plus I know my background right know isn't stable enough for bringing up a baby smile.

JustinBoobie Wed 02-Jan-13 15:29:34

ahh, op - I wish only good things for you in 2013, you sound amazing.

SophieBirkBirk Wed 02-Jan-13 15:34:30

Thank you Justinboobie smile thanks

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Wed 02-Jan-13 18:06:07

Izzyizin you are amazing

katiemummy2012 Wed 02-Jan-13 21:48:13

This isnt that unusual, when I was in my early to mid 20s I was well aware of men my own age having sex with 14 15 year old girls

I actually heard many of them usually 19 20 year old guys saying they went after young girls as they are easier to bed than women their own age

wrong? yes, but shocking? No.

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