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Problem in the bedroom

(44 Posts)
Whathaveidoneoopsie Sun 30-Dec-12 11:41:55

I'm 32, recently started seeing a new guy (he's 34) and we get on great, he's stayed over at my house twice & I've stayed at his for 2 nights. We're also planning on spending Hogmanay together & will be staying at his house for a few days.

He's such a nice guy, so different from my ex, great with my dogs etc

The only concern I have is that we had a wee fumble in the bedroom last week, & he was 'hard' but then when we went to have sex he went too soft to be able to go further.

We'd have a few drinks so I didn't think much of it although it was a bit awkward.

Then a few days later, the first night I stayed at his house we tried again, but again he was hard during oral, but as soon as we went to have sex he couldn't stay hard enough to get in!! Sorry if this is TMI

We lay cuddling as I didn't want to make a big deal about it & he apologised just saying he was nervous as really liked me & wanted it to be right.

There's certainly no rush & the last thing I want to do is make him feel pressurised to perform so I've never mentioned it again & the last night I stayed we were both tired so had a cuddle & fell asleep.

He's got a 4 yr old child from a previous relationship which he see's twice a week so he's obviously been capable before

I really like him but I've got a high sex drive so hope this isn't going to become a problem.

Any advice or similar experiences in new relationships ?

GiveMeSomeSpace Sun 30-Dec-12 12:03:48

It's highly likely it will be nerves and nothing more. This is just so common with new partners - believe me!

Of course there may be other probs, but given your description of "events so far", it'd guess it's nerves. If you like him, then just take the pressure off yourselves and stick with it - it'll probably sort itself out.

Good luck!

Whathaveidoneoopsie Sun 30-Dec-12 12:59:58

Thank you, here's hoping x

cronullansw Sun 30-Dec-12 20:06:27

Having come across this issue previously (see what I did there? Oh my, so funny) we carried on with oral and ignored penetration a few times, that got us over the intimacy issue and broke the mental barriers down and penetration wasn't a question any longer.

Daddyshambles Sun 30-Dec-12 20:23:26

I've heard of this before, some guys are afraid (ie embarrassed) to come with their partner. As cronullansw says above stick with oral for a bit, once he's gone all the way with that a few times (and hopefully doing the same for you!) he ought to be over any anxiety in that area.

Equally it could just be that worrying about being able to stay hard (or come too soon) makes it floppy. Either way I'm sure it will work out, the desire is obviously there, but the longer it's left unsorted the harder (see what I did there? I'm nearly as funny as cronullansw!) it will get to fix

izzyizin Sun 30-Dec-12 20:58:14

If this is 'common with new partners', I've lived a charmed life grin

Is there any way you can take a surreptitious look at his computer history and check whether he visits porn sites?

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Sun 30-Dec-12 21:03:18

Izzy, it's not that unusual for a man to have a case of willy-wilt if he's nervous with a new partner. Not everything that a man ever does wrong can be blamed on porn you know.

izzyizin Sun 30-Dec-12 21:23:36

If alcohol intake had been moderate and a new paramour failed to live up to expectations on our second encounter, it would cross my mind that porn may be an issue for him, Solid but that's only since I've been exposed to this board

But, as I've said, I've yet to enounter this 'common problem' so what do I know?

SnoogyWoo Sun 30-Dec-12 23:48:59

100% nerves.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sun 30-Dec-12 23:55:27

Ah poor guy! Nerves i would imagine.

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 30-Dec-12 23:59:16

try being on top too....very visual for the man and so stimulating.

izzyizin Mon 31-Dec-12 00:04:48

<hopes OP will be back on New Year's Day having been third time lucky enjoyed bangs at midnight>

Whathaveidoneoopsie Mon 31-Dec-12 05:44:47

I am here & reading your replies. I'm at his again tonight, straight to bed with no sex or real affection (other than a kiss & hand holding).

He snores & mumbles in his sleep so at 5.42am I have resorted to sleeping downstairs on the sofa with my dogs.

He wants to introduce me to his friends on Hogmanay (organised night out) which I'm not fussed for having literally no sleep tonight.

He also wants to take me to meet his parents on New Year's Day.

I really like but it's only been just over a week & things are not ideal already sad

izzyizin Mon 31-Dec-12 05:58:19

Omigod. You should be at it like rabbits. No action and he snores? shock Not looking good, is it? What is his problem?

izzyizin Mon 31-Dec-12 06:01:17

Are you by any chance in Edinburgh? I ask because I saw some pix of fit looking Viking types Shetlanders who'll be parading around town come midnight. Perhaps you could grab one of them and invite him to pillage you share a wee dram after Auld Lang Syne?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 31-Dec-12 06:05:29

Are you really meeting his parents after a week? Wow.

izzyizin Mon 31-Dec-12 06:21:27

Maybe an early meeting with his dps is a carrot he dangles because his dingle won't grow into a dongle Snatch? hmm

izzyizin Mon 31-Dec-12 06:48:01

If the earth doesn't move there aren't any fireworks today/tonight, it would seem that he either has a severe case of ED, a very low sex drive, or has a peference for DIY while online.

<clutches at straws>

Is it possible he's taking antidepressants or some other medication that's suppressed his libido?

Lizzabadger Mon 31-Dec-12 07:15:15

I would cut your losses. It all sounds a bit weird.

stookiesackhouse Mon 31-Dec-12 07:22:49

Talk to him. Say it's important you get it cracked before things proceed?

What about viagra til he overcomes his nerves?!

overbythere Mon 31-Dec-12 07:27:43

Not sure why you are meeting everyone so soon. What is the point in that? Add to that the staying over problems, I would be running a mile. I agree that this can be a problem for some men with a new partner. It happened with an ex of mine. Things improved but he always had a sensitive ego where sex was concerned and I could never be myself in the bedroom. I wouldn't be with a man with such issues again sorry.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 31-Dec-12 10:30:47

Wow. People are so harsh!

Imagine if it were a woman who was too tense to have sex and posters on here were suggesting that the bloke dump her because of it! It would never happen!

I had a break from mn because of shit just like this and I've come back and found it just the same sad

So you've tried a couple of times and the blokes a bit too anxious to perform, big deal!

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 31-Dec-12 10:34:04

Things to consider to the op and some of the rest of you . . . patience, compassion, sensitivity, equality (since when is it ok to treat a man like a sex object) . . . just a few to get you going.

There is actually a man attached to that cock in which you are so disappointed.

lubeybooby Mon 31-Dec-12 10:38:23

OP I've experienced this a few times. It's such an awful disappointment when everything else is good, and it's a dealbreaker for me.

I'm always patient for say up to three or four occasions to give them a chance to feel more comfortable with me, and I'd never let on that I feel what I just said above this paragraph, but if it isn't happening after several times then I'm off.

fuckadoodlepoo yes and if said man attached to it has issues that bad then he ought to get some therapy. It's not OP's job to be his sex therapist and endlessly understanding, sacrificing her needs just so poor widdle soldier doesn't get his feelings bruised.

Whathaveidoneoopsie Mon 31-Dec-12 10:45:46

Hi, he came back down & asked me nicely to come back to bed, was very apologetic about keeping me awake and he even lay awake so I could get a few hours kip!

He is kind & even my dogs love him which is great because they were never keen on my ex!

I'll see how tonight goes as staying here again tonight as we're going out together, but I've still not had any physical action by the time I go home on the 1st or 2nd I'll have to talk to him about it.

I am understanding & haven't made any passes on him as want to make sure he does it in his own time if its nerves. I have quite a high sex drive though so it does need to be discussed if we're to go any further.

He's currently making me a bacon roll smile shame that's the only meat I've seen all week ;)

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 31-Dec-12 11:36:42

Lubey. Its not exactly endless sacrificing is it! Its been what, a week? Two attempts?

The sexism and casual disregard of mens feelings on mn is a fecking disgrace.

Op. grin at your meat joke. I hope it works out for you both. I don't think that early days sex is entirely indicative of how the whole sex life is going to be, hasn't been for me anyway, its just got better and better in my current relationship. I hope that yours is the same!

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Mon 31-Dec-12 11:55:25

If you think he's nice, give him another chance. If you decide he's not for you, bin him politely and move on. This early on, it's really no big deal to dump a man if you're not having much fun with him: you don't owe him a relationship.

Also, the introducing-you-to-everyone plus wilting willy could suggest a man who's absolutely desperate not to be single and who may turn into a dreadful whining Klingon...

BelaLugosisShed Mon 31-Dec-12 12:14:25

Sorry, nervous he may be but if the combination of waking up to your warm naked body and "morning horn" haven't resulted in sex, there's not much hope. He should have been all over you like a rash.
That's not disregarding mens' feelings, it's stating the bleedin obvious wink.

BelaLugosisShed Mon 31-Dec-12 12:17:55

Just another thought, perhaps he needs you to take the lead and be sexually dominant? He may be naturally submissive and need you to be a bit stern with him?

GingerJulep Mon 31-Dec-12 12:38:45

TBH I've never progressed a relationship very far (although perhaps sometimes too far?) that didn't start well physically. It depends on priorities, for me (and sounds like OP) this is important.

Try to relax and enjoy your time together. If you don't, you don't.

And you don't have to tell him why you're ending something after such a short time. I probably would, and it would probably be the wrong thing to do.

Good luck!

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 31-Dec-12 14:16:35

Solid Also, the introducing-you-to-everyone plus wilting willy could suggest a man who's absolutely desperate not to be single and who may turn into a dreadful whining Klingon...

Wow what a nasty conclusion based on er not much at all. Those sort of statements say more about you than any man.

If it were a woman say, who had started seeing someone new that they really liked and perhaps wanted to introduce them to their friends and close family, i don't know, perhaps because she respected their opinions? Said woman was tense about having sex with new partners and the sex life wasn't progressing much . . . after a week . . .

I predict responses such as Well of course its fine to introduce to friends, its important they like him, if he's any sort of man he won't rush you into sex and will be patient.

Double standards, double standards, double standards. MN doesn't change and the type of people who post on it with your sort of opinions don't change.

Feck knows why i came back!

izzyizin Mon 31-Dec-12 15:55:18

O dear, fuckapoodledoodoo, you are on one today. How about a glass of wine and a nice lie down before this evening's festivites kick off?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 31-Dec-12 17:06:18

Poodle, I'm pretty sure a woman suggesting introducing a person she'd been dating for a week to her parents would get quite a lot of "wow, that's a bit soon" comments.

Whathaveidoneoopsie Mon 31-Dec-12 17:14:07

We're going out tonight to a function where I'll meet his friends. Will see if there's any action in the bedroom tonight or wether its straight to sleep like last night!
Going to meet his folks (at his suggestion) tomorrow, but if there's no physical contact tonight I'll be making an excuse to go home tomorrow & don't think I'll be back in touch :/ x

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 31-Dec-12 17:29:48

Hope you've found your first MN thread helpful with your problem, OP. Good luck.

izzyizin Mon 31-Dec-12 17:32:34

Fingers crossed you see the New Year in with a bang, oopsie. but however it goes, have a happy one smile

Whathaveidoneoopsie Tue 01-Jan-13 00:20:01

Happy new year all!! Here's hoping for some action tonight lol xx

SnoogyWoo Tue 01-Jan-13 02:43:03

I hope its like a broom handle for you!

Astelia Tue 01-Jan-13 03:37:00

TheDoctrine the OP has probably name changed. Not many MNers would provide these sorts of details without a NC!

zippey Tue 01-Jan-13 07:14:38

Coming from another angle, maybe he doesnt find you all that attractive? Forgive me if that sounds nasty, but attractiveness is different for everyone, and you might not be his cup of tea. Maybe he was drawn to your personality?

Thats one of many angles - he could be nervous etc to perform. Your continuation of this relationship depends on how much you like other sides of his self.

Tryharder Tue 01-Jan-13 07:37:40

He does sound really nice and I would perhaps give it a bit longer than tomorrow before you jack him in.

I would at least talk to him about it! But yes, a fit healthy man (in mind and body) should be all over you at this stage so it would set alarm bells off for me as well.

But you do owe him a chat before dumping him.

Sorry but you sonubd very shallow and nasty OP.

Its been a week and you are gagging for sex and judging him on his nerves.
The double standard is ridiculous.

Let him go. There is a lovely girl out there somewhere who wants a nice man for more than his penis.

izzyizin Wed 02-Jan-13 05:23:03

Problem resolved, oopsie?

freeandhappy Wed 02-Jan-13 14:32:34

How did it go? <nosy>

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