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DP didn't come home - its 7.10am

(67 Posts)
siucra Sun 30-Dec-12 07:17:46

he has a problem with drink. Once he starts he can't stop. It has been so awful living with that - the stress and strain on me has been incredible. He is trying to cut down by promising to stop the all-nighters, ie passing out on sofa. But he has never not come home before. I hate all this drinking.
How do I 'punish' him? By that I mean, how do I let him know this is totally unacceptable?
He is not - I think - with another woman as he really loves me. We have a Dd aged 4.7.
Any advice? Thank you!

I would get dd ready and go to friends, relatives so that you are not there when e comes home stinking of drink and hungover. I would then wait for him to contact you & tell him you & your dd can not live like this. That unless he is prepared to accept he has a problem with drink & do something about it that you will not be around to pick up the pieces. It is not fair on your dd to see this cycle of drunk/hungover dad. It sounds like you have some hard choices to make. If you can't leave til you know he is home & safe, then I would have mine and dd's bag packed & as soon as he comes in leave. Say I'm too angry to speak to you just now, I'll speak to you tomorrow when your not pissed and hungover then leave. Good luck

FergusSingsTheBlues Sun 30-Dec-12 07:23:50

I had a bf who was the same, and i swear the more i nagged the more he drank, the later he came home. I understand your worries. Nothing I did changed anything, so have no advice to give apart from your refusal to accept this...be firm. I ran away for the weekend, he tightened up his act a bit. It shocked him, but not enough and i left in the end. sorry youre going through this, its so draining.

susanann Sun 30-Dec-12 07:25:59

I agree with clutter. Its no place for a child, or for you for that matter. good luck

siucra Sun 30-Dec-12 07:31:15

Thank you so so much for your advice. He is downstairs now. Thank you. Totally at end of tether. The strain of this has been unbelievable. Plus no one knows but me.
Thanks.

VBisme Sun 30-Dec-12 07:35:24

I'm glad he's home safety, don't try and talk to him until he's sober.
Go out for the day and talk to him either this evening or tomorrow.
He needs to understand what a problem this is.

tribpot Sun 30-Dec-12 07:40:32

Start by letting other people know. You have nothing to be ashamed of. By suffering in silence and colluding with him in hiding his problem you are (a) not helping him and (b) compounding the stress upon yourself.

I'm afraid it's unlikely that anything you say or do will be enough to make him stop, until he is ready to stop. So you need to be thinking practically about the best way to protect you and your dd. It is always worth a conversation with Al-Anon (don't try and persuade yourself he's not an alcoholic - he is - but the label isn't as important as you accepting that he has a problem with alcohol that you can't solve).

My other recommendation is this book. I read the one for problem drinkers after I quit drinking last year. It is sensible, non-judgemental and wide-ranging in its advice.

Breaking the code of silence is the most important thing you can do for yourself this Christmas. Good luck.

PenisColada Sun 30-Dec-12 07:45:15

My dh used to do this. I begged and cried and pleaded for him to stop. He did not.

I told him that if he went on a bender I would leave him.

He went on a bender . I took the children and left him for a week. He promised never to do it again.

He did it again a few years later. I took the children and left again. We got as far as seeing solicitors but we are together again.

He does not go out to the pub now. Ever .

You have to make him realise that he will lose his family and he needs to choose which he would like to keep in his life.

PenisColada Sun 30-Dec-12 07:46:19

I was ashamed and told no one but my friends were really supportive when I told them.

GiveMeSomeSpace Sun 30-Dec-12 08:07:15

OP I feel for you. It's totally unacceptable. Time for him to make some choices - and if he won't then you'll have to.

If he can't see that he's been totally irresponsible and needs to sort out his issues, then I think you will have your answer.

Good luck

lolaflores Sun 30-Dec-12 08:17:03

You cannot change him. All the threats in the world are meaningless until you make it clear you will see them through.
Do not attempt to talk to him. Agree with everyone who has said that nagging (which is what he will see it as) makes no impact.
Look after yourself first, let him make up the space between you. This is his problem, so he must find a solution.
Support his efforts to change, do not enable his opportunities to continue being a disruptive influence in your house.

ledkr Sun 30-Dec-12 08:24:10

My xh did this. The strain was awful. I dreaded social occasions Xmas, birthdays etc. he used to piss or puke everywhere and it drove me mad . I could never relax when he or we went out.
He once left me sat at the hospital with. Ds2 who had had an accident. He didn't come back for the baby so I couldn't stay with ds2.
We split over an affair in the end but during his attempt to justify his behaviour he whined "you used to count my drinks"
I can't tell you the relief of being with a man who can go out and behave normally.

DorisIsWaiting Sun 30-Dec-12 08:37:29

Start by letting other people know. You have nothing to be ashamed of. By suffering in silence and colluding with him in hiding his problem you are (a) not helping him and (b) compounding the stress upon yourself.

^ This^

He is an alcoholic whether he or you see it as such it is very much what he is. Drink is affecting his life and relationship with you and he is still proritising it. It is very unlikely he will manage to stop this without help.

siucra Sun 30-Dec-12 08:38:29

Thank you all. He came home and was still drunk. It's amazing, really. I am going to take myself and Dd off for the day. He is asleep, of course. It makes me sad for him (as well as angry).

And sad for your dd sad What must be going through her little mind. How is her relationship with her Dad. And sad for you that now you have to bugger off for the day and he gets to sleep off his hangover in peace. I hope that your situation improves OP. I was in a relationship like this with my now 13 year old dd's dad. He wasn't willing to accept that he had a problem so I threw him out. Best decision I ever made. I am now married to a man who puts me & our children before alcohol & I'm not on edge as to how a night out is going to go.

Soila Sun 30-Dec-12 08:57:02

Cannot say more than what ohcluttergotme and tribpot have said.

tribpot Sun 30-Dec-12 09:29:28

Don't feel sad for him. He has made a choice. You need to think what is the right choice now for you. And having to go out for the whole day just to get away from him is not viable in the long term.

fortyplus Sun 30-Dec-12 09:38:06

Alcoholism is an illness. If he's an alcoholic rather that just some twunt who goes out and gets rat-arsed once a week then he needs love and support to deal with it.

I've had several alcoholic friends and inevitably it takes time to face the problem. If you love him then you can't just heap blame at his door and expect him to change overnight. Even stopping drinking isn't necessarily a 'cure'. You have to address the behaviours that cause it. AA talk about 'the thinking behind the drinking'. There's usually low self esteem/self loathing lurking somewhere.

I have one friend who hasn't had a drink for 8 years but still exhibits 'alcoholic' behaviour.

Clarabell78 Sun 30-Dec-12 09:41:31

My biggest piece of advice to you is don't let your child grow up in an alcoholic home. My father is/was an alcoholic and only stopped drinking when I was 32. As a result it has left me with multiple issues mostly revolving around my own relationships with men. Althoughy father was never violent his other alcoholic behavior damaged myself, my 2 sisters and my mother in irreparable ways. Remove yourself or remove him from the home until he is clean and sober. It's not worth the wreckage it will leave behind and the pieces that your child will be picking up for the rest of their life.

fortyplus Sun 30-Dec-12 09:45:30

Btw some of the other comments on this thread are perfect illustrations of why alcoholics prefer to remain in denial. It's seen as shameful. An alcoholic can't just get a grip and choose not to drink. Or rather - they can deny themselves a drink for a while but their thought process will still drive them obsessively towards the next bender.

He has to face up to this. OP you would do well to contact Al-anon - they support relatives/friends of alcoholics.

Alcohol is such a destructive force and yet people getting blind drunk is seen as funny and to be encouraged. Most of those I know who have admitted an alcohol problem were always seen as great fun, the life & soul of the party etc. Actually the ones who've survived still are despite staying off alcohol! Unfortunately three others managed to drink themselves to a premature death.

lolaflores Sun 30-Dec-12 09:47:58

Disagree with illness analogy. Just do. If it is an illness, why address behaviour? If it is an illness, why does loathing and self hatred come into it....surely it just "IS"?
Love cannot overcome alcoholism. Only the drinker can.
Only the drinker can accept responsibility

lolaflores Sun 30-Dec-12 09:49:13

forty is it an "illness" or a *though process"?
Make yer mind up!
AA clap trap

forty don't think any of the comments said for the OP's dp to "get a grip" Think all the comments have been helpful, honest and looking at it from all sides.

Bunbaker Sun 30-Dec-12 10:10:37

Don't pick up the pieces after him. If he falls with his face in the dog bowl or whatever leave him there. By helpinh him get to bed etc you are enabling his behaviour. Ditto other comments about changing his behaviour. Nothing you can do will change him. It has to come from him.

SIL's excuse for an arse a husband is an alcoholic and her life lurches from misery to misery. Quite frankly the best thing you can do for a hopeful future is to leave him or kick him out.

Clarabell78 Sun 30-Dec-12 10:17:05

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Letsmakecookies Sun 30-Dec-12 10:22:00

You've have some sound advice and no one living in the situation cares much whether alcoholism is a disease or thought process. It damages families. Your thinking needs to stop focusing on his needs and onto your own. You have one life. You child has one childhood.

I lived in a marriage like this. And I wish when these situations first started that I had packed my and DCs bags, left and made him face the consequences of his behaviour - because it only got a lot worse, and he knew I would stay. What I would recommend is not keeping it secret (alcoholism thrives on secrecy), think about your own boundaries and decide what you are willing to put up with and set down consequences (you are allowed to do this), Al Anon can help you get your head round that, don't enable him (don't make excuses for him).

Eventually (after therapy - would recommend that too) I was honest with myself about what I could and could not live with. I could not see myself living like that, I felt my self esteem was floor bottom and despised myself and my life, I had met a lot of adults who had grown up in alcoholic households and knew I could not do that to my children. I set down boundaries and eventually left when he ignored them.

It was the hardest thing to do, stopping trying to save the marriage, but the primary relationship in our marriage was my ex and a glass of beer.

Letsmakecookies Sun 30-Dec-12 10:27:13

Clarabell78 I just read your posts. Can I send you unmumsnetty hugs?

I agree with you AA is not claptrap and that statement was uncalled for. AA works for people. It saves lives. And you should be really really proud of yourself, 2 years is amazing! Truly!

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Sun 30-Dec-12 10:40:05

AA 'works' for people who have decided they have had enough of drinking and are ready to stop. Anything will work when an addict/alcoholic is ready to stop. However, AA fails a lot of people as well. It's based on superstition, not science, and some people have had very bad experiences with 12 step programmes.

At the moment, OP, concentrate on getting rid of the man and building a better life for you and DC. No one else can 'fix' an alcoholic, it's up to him to sort himself out and he may decide not to.

porridgelover Sun 30-Dec-12 10:41:38

Thing is, siucra, there is nothing you can do to 'punish him' or 'make him see'.

If he is an alcoholic (and he is showing all the signs) then your biggest responsibility is to you and your DD. Not him.
He is making choices of alcohol over you. So you dont owe him any love or loyalty. Although you may feel it would be wrong to 'abandon' him, or that you have to rescue him or that you are the only one who understands him.
No.
You cannot change him.

You can give him choices:
alcohol or family. Not both.

As others have said, take the lid off so that others can see what you are living with. Contact al-anon. Protect DD so that she knows this is not OK.
If you can get your hands on this, its a helpful guide to why partners stay and how to cope with detaching yourself from the problem.
thanks Good luck.

Clarabell78 Sun 30-Dec-12 10:57:24

Thanks letsmakecookies :-) I don't think anyone has the right to pass comment on AA or the 12 step programme unless they have experienced it personally. It is not based on superstition FFS! It can be interpreted this way if for example you are religious, believe in God etc. I personally do not believe in god in a traditional sense and use AA and the support there as my 'higher power'. I find the programme a practical guide to living as a better person and it is very open to interpretation/tailoring depending on your own beliefs/experiences. I agree it doesn't work for everyone and it does rely on the alcoholic themselves to take responsibility. For me and my family it has been massively healing. I don't think it should be dismissed out of hand especially by people who are not alcoholic and haven't walked in those shoes.

I would urge the OP to get in touch with al anon for support. As someone who is an alcoholic and whose father/relatives are alcoholics I have experience of both AA and al anon and can thoroughly recommend the support and understanding you will find there.

Letsmakecookies Sun 30-Dec-12 11:12:17

No personal offence meant but SGB but that is total bullshit that anything will work when the alcoholic is ready to stop. It is so difficult to treat alcoholism. AA provides a free service that helps many people worldwide. It is no more superstitious nonsense than anything else. If people have had bad experiences, well many people have had bad experiences at the NHS shall we discourage people from going there too? Or school, let's ban that too. And if we don't like 12 step groups, Al Anon etc shouldn't be there either. The reason AA often is ineffective, is because it is really really really hard to stop drinking. It relies on the alcoholic on taking responsibility for themselves, and part of the condition is that many can't or won't. It is more effective than going to your GP, and treatment centres have a pitifully low success rate.

Letsmakecookies Sun 30-Dec-12 11:13:18

But your second paragraph is spot on. smile.

specialsubject Sun 30-Dec-12 11:18:44

he is a drug addict, it just happens to be a legal drug. He did not choose to be ill, but he CAN choose whether he wants to get treated. That is the ultimatum for you, and if he won't get help NOW then you need to get out.

I wish you luck.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Sun 30-Dec-12 11:53:30

There is a great deal of evidence to the effect that 12-step programming is one of the least effective ways of helping alcoholics. Yes, it works for some people and that's good, but it's important to point out that if it doesn't work for a particular person, there are other ways of overcoming alcoholism. If someone tries AA and doesn't get on with their methods, then they might feel that they are 'incurable' when trying a different approach might suit them better.

Clarabell78 Sun 30-Dec-12 12:08:30

SGF what are the 'other' methods you refer to? I'm not denying their existence but curious to know what they are? You can't slate AA then be so vague about the alternatives. That's just not helpful or intelligent

OP, please don't put up with this. Please.

I started with what I thought was the perfect DP. Then one might the got drunk, the drinking continued, it made me a nervous wreck. Then I was the brunt of the anger, the stress, it all be sme me.

7.10 am is a warning sign. Please don't put up rut it any longer.

Clarabell78 Sun 30-Dec-12 12:12:23

Plus I'm not too sure what this 'evidence' is that you speak of. My whole family and hundreds of people that I come into contact with in AA on a regular basis who have achieved sobriety when nothing else worked is evidence for me that it does work for a huge amount of people. You are being really unhelpful.

lolaflores Sun 30-Dec-12 12:26:46

CBT works. SMART. Small, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic Targets. These methods also work with other addictions....if the person wishes to stop. I have had experiences with AA...unpleasant, bullying, clichey judgemental, people hitting on each other when at their most vulnerable, preachy, ...need I continue.
Treatments are wide ranging, from antabuse, in house rehab, community treatment with a range of service, to AA. There is much evidence comparing and contrasting efficacy of the many types...the defining factor is the persons desire to stop.

My XP is an alcoholic, we separated 12 years ago. My DCs have had their childhood marked by his alcoholism, by contact that has involved him taking them to the pub, by him neglecting them through hangovers, vomiting and pissing himself in front of them, despite promises and rehab.

You might love him. He might love you. If he loves alcohol more than he loves you, then he'll choose alcohol. Let him make that choice, because if he is involved with you and your DD while he is still addicted to alcohol, your daughter will have a miserable excuse for a childhood, her friends will laugh at her, she won't be able to bring friends home in case dad is pissed and she will eventually come to the conclusion that he is an awful parent. My DCs are now 17, 14 & 13. They don't like their dad. It's because he has continually let them down, prioritised his drinking over their well-being and will spends the money he has on booze while not financially supporting them.

Tell him once. He has a choice. No second, third, fourth chances. It's you and DD or alcohol.

lolaflores Sun 30-Dec-12 12:28:56

I would also recommend the OP try and contact your local drug and alcohol service for support for yourself and advice on treatments that are out there including a crisis detox, residential rehab and so on.
Rugby House have centres in London, but you will not get someone there without their consent and willingness to participate.

Clarabell78 Sun 30-Dec-12 12:47:07

SGF I'm sorry you had a bad experience of AA but that's not the case for everyone.

Snorbs Sun 30-Dec-12 12:57:49

What SevenSnapes says. I split up with my ex over her drinking. Our DCs live with me after social services got involved due to their mother's drinking. My ex has through detox god knows how many times, rehab, losing her license, losing multiple jobs, various significant injuries that happened from falling down stairs while drunk, hallucinations and seizures while drying out...

She's still drinking, on and off. My DCs are reaching the point where they really don't want to have much to do with her any more.

Snorbs Sun 30-Dec-12 13:04:29

Oh, and fortyplus, I'm not sure I agree with alcoholics needing "love and support" while drinking.

At least, the open AA meetings I've attended are notable by the lack of people saying "I stopped drinking because my family supported me so much" and the volume of people saying things along the lines of "It was only after my third marriage had failed, my children were no longer speaking to me and I'd lost my job that I realised I needed to change."

Al-Anon's message to those in a relationship with an alcoholic is strong on the "leave their drinking, and the effects of their drinking, to them" theme as well.

ErikNorseman Sun 30-Dec-12 13:53:14

You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it
Are they the three Cs of alcoholism?
Bottom line is that you can't punish or teach him to change his behaviour. Only he can.

Erik has indeed written the 3cs of alcoholism.

There is nothing you can do or say to help him. Apart from anything else you are too close to the situation to be of any real use to him, you are both using each other as a crutch and you are now codepedent on him to boot.

Would certainly recommend you read "Codependent No More" written by Melodie Davies and contact Al-anon.

This is no relationship model you want to be imparting to your child; she could well now end up with a complely dysfunctional childhood if you were to remain within this relationship with your alcoholic partner. She is already learning a lot of crap from both of you re relationships and how they are conducted.

What do you want to teach her about relationships?. She won't also thank you for staying with her alcoholic dad if you were to choose to because she will see you as weak for doing so and could well hate you as a result. You really do not want her as an adult for her to ask you why you put her drunkard father before her as a child.

You have a choice re him - your child does not. You and she both deserve far better than what you have now.

You may well love him but he loves alcohol more. Alcohol is truly a cruel mistress.

ilovewoody Sun 30-Dec-12 17:38:57

Sounds just like my exH. No matter how upset I got it would never change him. After every episode I would get the silent treatment for days as if I had done something wrong. Despite almost losing his job twice through his drinking he still didn't stop.
I too felt shame that I had married a man like that. Never told a soul until I had left him and that hurt my family that I couldn't confide in them. So tell someone. If it was your sister or best friend going through that you would want to know.
My father is also an alcoholic so I agree with the poster who warned against bringing up children in a home with an alcoholic. That's what happened to me and I ended up married to one too. So break the cycle now if you can.
Good luck x

siucra Sun 30-Dec-12 19:49:33

Hi all, I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to answer my message. It's really kind of you.
I took Dd out for morning and got home at 2.30. He was up - just - and was angry with me for being cool. He said that his friends went for breakfast and he felt disloyal that he didn't go with them!
I know, I know. It's mad.
Anyway, I have taken myself to a hotel for the night as I just couldn't face the whole drama. It's exhausting.
I have read all your advice and will re read it all.
It's ultimatum time. And knowing that I have to leave.
Thank you.

tribpot Sun 30-Dec-12 19:57:47

You've certainly made the right decision, going to a hotel to have some peace and quiet.

Writehand Sun 30-Dec-12 20:05:22

Fortyplus, you wrote: "Alcoholism is an illness. If he's an alcoholic rather that just some twunt who goes out and gets rat-arsed once a week then he needs love and support to deal with it.

I've had several alcoholic friends and inevitably it takes time to face the problem. If you love him then you can't just heap blame at his door and expect him to change overnight."

I am an alcoholic and I couldn't disagree with you more. Sure, alcoholism is an illness, but it is not helped by families loving and supporting the drinker while he or she continues drinking, The support comes in when the alcoholic stops drinking and starts going to meetings. You support them to make that decision, to reach that realisation. Until/unless that happens, what you're doing is called "enabling" and it kills a lot of alcoholics. I know a bit about getting & staying sober. I've been sober since before my first child was born. He's 20.

Fortyplus, I'm sure you mean well, but you seem to have got the AA philosophy rather muddled. If siucra wants things to improve she needs to lay it on the line: tell him "You will lose your family if you don't stop drinking." Then she needs to act as if she means it. She doesn't have to break the family up immediately, but she needs to do enough that he's shocked into taking it seriously.

izzyizin Sun 30-Dec-12 20:10:21

He may 'really love' you, honey, but he loves the bottle more.

Give him a choice. He can enjoy a moderate drink at home now and again, or be free to drown his sorrows visit all the hostelries his little heart desires after you've split up due to his preference for booze over you.

Writehand Sun 30-Dec-12 20:22:55

Brace yourself for a serious conversation, or a series of them. If he'll agree, rehab is brilliant and some GPs will arrange it. Perhaps your DP could check it out?

I don't think I could have done it without rehab - 6 weeks away from everything and everyone, focussing on nothing but my addiction. But then I've meet loads of sober alcoholics who've succeeded just by going to AA meetings. 90 meetings in 90 days is what's recommended.

Rehab gets you started, but you need meetings afterwards. I don't go to meetings any more but I did 5 a week for a couple of years, and didn't stop going regularly until I'd been sober about 5 years. I'd go back like a shot if I thought I might want a drink.

This is where the support comes in. It'll be tough for you and your DD if your DP has to go to an AA meeting every day rather than coming home. But you smile and say "Go". AA meetings, lots of AA phone calls. It's a lot.

No one has mentioned Al-Anon - for the families of alcoholics. This I'm not so sure about - I went to some meetings myself and found them very patchy - but some people swear by it. You'll find it at www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Alcoholism is a family disease - it's genetic but it's also learnt. You may find he has relatives with a drink problem, or maybe you do. People brought up by alcoholics often live with alcoholics. And it is also a real illness. You can see it close up in brain scans, and at long distance in epidemiological studies. Your DD needs protecting from learning alcoholic behaviour. You can't do anything about her genetic inheritance but you can watch out for her as she gets older. One of my sons seems to have the tendency, the other not but they both know that me and their grandad are alkies. Sober, but still alkies.

Well done you. I wish I'd had the courage to do that in the situation. I wish you a good night

irishchic Sun 30-Dec-12 22:12:55

Siucra I am guessing you are irish, from your name. I also have a dh who doesnt know when to stop, (not quite as bad as yours, but is not unlike him to roll in at 4am on occasion.) He has not jeopardised his job over it, but that is because he is the boss of his company and can come in late from time to time if he wants.

I know alcohol abuse is everywhere but there is something about Irish males and drinking, its so bloody acceptable in our culture and make up, part of male bonding, part of everything, our main sporting organisation GAA is heavily reliant on the drinks industry for its sponsorship, its totally f***ed!

Sorry to rant. There is some good advice on here, and also on the Brave Babes thread in relationships which is also supportive of alcohol abusers partners, do check it out, best of luck. xx

Well done siucra sounds like you made a really good decision. I totally get what it's like to have alcohol ingrained into your culture, I'm Scottish & my dh is half scottish, half Irish. All my family drink. My Granda was an alcoholic and my dm is going that way. I have to make really conscious choices & decisions not to let alcohol become a big part of my life. But it is everywhere & so normalised in my culture/society. Wishing you & your dd all the best OP smile

Doha Mon 31-Dec-12 09:14:03

ohcluttergotme l am not sure what nationality has got to do with alcohol. To say it is ingrained in your culture is a myth.
I am Scottish as Scottish can be-- from the hebrides--the whisky islands and l think l can say alcohol is not a great part of my life or that of my family. It is no worse than coming from Devon and being addicted to clotted cream.

Alcohol is a lifestyle choice no matter what your heritage may be or where you currently live

FergusSingsTheBlues Mon 31-Dec-12 10:01:46

I disagree. I lived in spain for years and there is a totally different attitude to drink over there. Yes, you will see some old men taking a wine at 11 am, and thats it. Alcohol is part of the diet....you wouldnt go out drinking on an empty stomach, but you would order a glass of wine and a tapa. In the states...not much drinking and its viewed with suspicion, or it aas where i lived. Lived in germany too...big drinkers. Live in scotland now...big drinkers. Its a northern european problem.

irishchic Mon 31-Dec-12 10:28:44

FergusSings yes i agree with you, i lived in both france and spain in my twenties, and spent a lot of time in Belgium as a teenager, where they are famous for their beer. Yet in all these countries, people, including young men and women enjoyed drinking, but I never met anyone who binge drank the way people do here, in fact, and when some of these nationalities visited me here in Ireland they were amazed and shocked at the level of drunkeness in pubs and clubs etc.

I also knew a lots of germans in university and they were more like us in their attitude to drinking, loved to get drunk with the irish. And there is little or no difference between the scots and the irish in their attitude to drink.

Dont want to distract from the OPs problem though, just to let her know that unfortunately, this problem is all too common in this part of the world but dont tolerate it, and act now to curb it.

How are you today OP?

siucra Tue 01-Jan-13 18:54:56

I am fine, thank you so much. Dp has promised to try harder. We have a written agreement that he is trying to stick to - cut out dysfunctional drinking and I agree to be less moody! If he didn't drink so much I maybe wouldn't be so moody!
What gives me optimism is that Dp has been in therapy for the last 18 months and has found it really helpful. His drinking has improved a lot - that's how bad it had been. I would love him to get to a stage where he can drink moderately. To choose to stop after two pints.
And yes, we are Irish and it is totally cultural. You can't not drink, it's rude and unsociable and it's how men spend time together.
I have become very intolerant of drink. I know how impossible it is for him to imagine an alcohol free life.
I feel we lurch from the drama surrounding weekends to a peace mid-week and then crisis again. We began this written agreement a month ago and we are going to re-negotiate it next week.
We don't go away for weekends because drink is the focus and I have forgotten how nice that would be.
I need a functional home and hopefully we will be able to do it!
Thank you everyone!

buildingmycorestrength Tue 01-Jan-13 19:02:27

I'm quite an shocked that he wanted you to agree to be less moody!

I sometimes find it helpful to substitute the word 'heroin' for 'drink'...just because they are both horriblely destructive addictions.

'I wouldn't be moody if he wouldn't shoot up.' Hm.

He will always want you to renegotiate the deals. Please be careful.

Glad you're feeling better. I truly hope for you that he does adhere to all he's said.

Like the OP says, be careful. I've lived through it and sadly my ex DP behaviour only progressed. X

tribpot Tue 01-Jan-13 19:30:36

buildingmycorestrength is right, plus the primary responsibility for these deals will become yours. It is literally impossible to manage another person's addiction. The fact he is not willing to accept that his decision to drink was entirely his own and unrelated to anything you did or didn't do is not a good sign.

I think there is still plenty of good advice for you from this thread. I would speak to Al-Anon, I would read the book I recommended to you. You can seek help for you outside this relationship. And I would confide in those around you as well. This is not a secret you should keep.

Snorbs Tue 01-Jan-13 19:32:34

So when he hits the bottle again next weekend he can say that it's only fair as you have been moody. He might even trigger an argument to make sure you're in a mood.

You cannot negotiate an addiction away.

Some0ne Tue 01-Jan-13 20:00:57

And yes, we are Irish and it is totally cultural. You can't not drink, it's rude and unsociable and it's how men spend time together.

BOLLOCKS.

I'm Irish too, as is my DH. Neither of us drinks and it's not a problem.

siucra Wed 02-Jan-13 07:46:07

Point taken, someOne. You are right. That's an excuse. And unfair.
I have ordered that book, tribpot. Thank you.

tribpot Wed 02-Jan-13 07:51:07

Best of luck siucra. I think the Brave Babes thread may offer support to the partners of problem drinkers but I'll let others confirm that and send you a link if appropriate.

siucra Wed 02-Jan-13 11:10:29

Thanks tripbot. Will follow it.

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