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Heartbroken and struggling to cope

(782 Posts)

That's just it really. DP and I have gone our seperate ways. He was perfect in the beginning .. Grew into aggressive, ill tempered and sometimes emotional abuser. It progressed into pushing me, bruises to boot etc. Yet after all this I didn't have the courage to leave. After a horrendous Christmas with MIL and my parents I cracked and told parents extent. Last night they helped me remove everything from our home together. His reaction was empty, infact he ran away.

I haven't eaten, I can't sleep, all I can think of is the love I have for him. I wish it could go , I feel like am in mourning. It goes against everything I believe in.

I am so lucky; everyone rallying round; all I want us to see him, smell him and kiss him. But he wanted to end the relationship; he blames me for awful MIL reaction to Christmas. I can't fathom out what to do. I want this man who never treated me right, I crave and desire him, against the best wishes if all friends and family.

I am really, really struggling.

amillionyears Sat 29-Dec-12 18:29:30

Hi chaos. Sorry to hear all this.
Dont have much experience, but wanted to post.

I expect you are grieving.
And grieving takes time.

In time, you will probably be able to fathom everything out a lot better.
Meanwhile, take care.

Do you have children? You dont have to answer that if you dont want to.

ThePinkOcelot Sat 29-Dec-12 18:31:27

You will look back and realise that this was the only sensible solution to this. If this was a friend of yours, what would you be telling her?! That she had had a lucky escape I bet. Of course you will be grieving, a relationship has come to an end, but not a good relationship. Its a New Year next week - New Year, new start!! Good luck xx

suburbophobe Sat 29-Dec-12 18:33:02

You are bound to be feeling raw at the moment, so go easy on yourself.

Meanwhile read up on everything you can about abusive behaviour, including "Stockholm Syndrome".

I would suggest some counselling to help you unravel your feelings.

dequoisagitil Sat 29-Dec-12 18:40:00

Don't be tempted to go back, he's not the man you love, that person was an illusion. Don't contact him, don't accept contact from him.

You could try talking to Women's Aid, see if there are support groups for women in your situation, and in a while do the Freedom programme.

You are bound to feel broken and grief-stricken, but let your parents look after you and just ride it out for now.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sat 29-Dec-12 19:03:24

You're grieving for the life you thought you had, the man you thought you knew and the relationship you thought you wanted.... not the reality. A long-term partnership is an expression of hope for the future, loving someone is to take a risk and make yourself vulnerable. It's always upsetting when it's over, however justifiable that may be.

Your parents sound like fantastic human beings and they are demonstrating real love. Take some time to let the hurt subside and get back in touch with your feelings. Be kind to yourself, look after yourself and - above all - keep him at a great distance at all times. No contact, however tempting that may be.

Like all addictive substances, abusive partners stay in the system long after is good for you. Takes time to 'detox' but you'll get there. Good luck

TranceDaemon Sat 29-Dec-12 19:07:53

Every time you find yourself missing him, remind yourself of the worst things that he has done and said. Replace the 'nice' memory with the memories of why you left. That's the real him, and the man you thought you loved wasn't real. It's ok to grieve for that, the realisation hurts, I know.

This pain will fade, and you will come out of this fog and be you again. Give yourself time, respect your need to recover and heal, and resist all temptation to ever contact him again.

Get the Lundy Bancroft book if you can, it will help you understand what has happened. You have done the right thing, trust yourself.

tribpot Sat 29-Dec-12 19:09:45

He was perfect in the beginning because that's how abusers lure their victims in. If they started off being abusive most people would turn and run. There's no going back to that early period of your relationship - please don't fantasise that you can. Let yourself be cared for by those who truly love you, who want only good things for you.

Thank you so much everyone for your kindness and honest posts. You're right, if it were my friend...

I can't fathom out how it has 'happened to me' - its the old cliche.

I just wish I didn't miss what is, as you rightly point out, a fantasy. It's hard to accept the person I loved was who I wanted him to be, not who he was.

No DD/DS, I am incredibly fortunate. Sadly it was his house (although I had so much furnishings) and now am without my home too. Like the OP points out, my family have been a blessing and am back with them.

I don't know what the future holds and am incredibly scared about taking in the New Year but I must realise it holds hope and change, even when I cannot see it myself right now.

I am really struggling with missing him, sleeping and eating, I wonder if anyone can offer ideas?

I suppose I am looking for logic where if doesn't exist. Why do I want to be with him? He's been so cruel, not a beak from him. I feel our whole relationship was a lie sad

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 29-Dec-12 20:45:39

Hi chaos, i'm so sorry this has happened to you sad

Its very difficult at first, but soon your head will start to clear and you will stop thinking about him, and start thinking about you, and how to make yourself happy.

Each day is a challenge, but i promise you it gets easier smile

Thanks. I just can't seem to understand that's its happened now, and at Christmas! The best time of the year, is there ever a good time though?

nkf Sat 29-Dec-12 20:48:18

You escaped. That's how you should see it. Happy New Year.

That's what my head says, happy new year to you too

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 29-Dec-12 21:45:11

Its shitty timing, but there is never a good time for something like this.

I know ! I feel am mourning someone that doesn't exist.bat the same time I've regained friendships I'd allowed to go quiet throughout the relationship

amillionyears Sat 29-Dec-12 21:50:46

How long have you been together?

2 years ...2 long.. I should have gone a long time ago

amillionyears Sat 29-Dec-12 21:52:42

Aer you sure you want to analyise is all?
We can help you with that, if that is what you want.

KatyPeril Sat 29-Dec-12 21:53:57

I understand how you feel! I've found constantly keeping myself busy helps, whether that be seeing friends, always having a book on the go, etc. My house has never been so clean! Don't let yourself get too lost in your thoughts, as hard as that is. And take the support family and friends offer you, don't feel bad for it. Thinking of you. xxx

I have to. I need to try and understand it, I need to believe its the right thing (and deep down I do, I do) but I need to stop being blind sided by my love for him. It can't have been reciprocated? Surely not

Thank you , Katy. I've lurked on MN for some time having stumbled across it whilst looking to buy a new Hoover (lol).. The strength of the members in making decisions has really helped me realise that to be objective I have to be honest and stop hiding the truth! I've wanted to post for a long time, I was scared I'd get a flaming - and that flaming would tell me what I already knew- I had to go at some point.

I told a friend in RL yday and it was hard. Once I knew I had told - and everything - there couldn't have been a turning point, and there can't be. So thank you all

kingbeat23 Sat 29-Dec-12 22:01:57

You can't expect yourself to be able to just wake up and it all be alright when you've had a breakdown in a relationship. You have to give yourself time to heal and if you don't so it in the beginning, then you will at some point, so you should think of this being a healthy reaction to what has happened.

I have been single for over 2 years and it has taken me this long to heal from the past hurt, but I do feel like I am over it and ready to move on. It might take longer, it might be sooner than me. Only you can decide that.

The thing for you to do now is relish in the support that you obviouosly have around you, for me MN was a fucking lifeline and if I didn't have the qonderful support of online friends that I did then i might have been in a totally different place. MN to your hearts content, accept the help from your obviously amazing parents and know that there is always a thread that will make you realise that you are lucky that this has happened to you and another to make you cry with laughter.

Holding hands. x

amillionyears Sat 29-Dec-12 22:03:40

Not long after I started on MN, there was an interesting thread about when people would leave relationships.
Myself, and some others, said the point would be if there was violence.
That would include eg pushing.
We, or certainly me would allow it the once, tell our partners in no uncertain terms not to do it again. If it happened again, and assuming there were not mitigating circumstances, such as the partner was on medication, and they acted unusually, then that would be it.Or perhaps, just perhaps if they had forgotten.
Third time, no way.[again unless mitigating circumstances such as illness]

Not sure what my point is. I suppose it is that people have different cut off points, for different reasons.

amillionyears Sat 29-Dec-12 22:05:02

I am no expert in the next bit. I assume your love for him will continue for some time. I dont think it can be turned off like a tap.

Thank you, kingbeat. Such kind and honest words clearly from the heart.

Am doing the crying , over and over.

I can't wait for the laughter. And I know it will come.

amillionyears Sat 29-Dec-12 22:09:18

Your love being reciprocated.
Yes, I expect so. I think though that people love at different levels.

I also think people change while in a relationship.
Not meaning you. But people find it easy to love their partner when things are going swimmingly, but love can get lost even by circumstances, let alone anything else.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sat 29-Dec-12 22:11:36

"Why do I want to be with him?"

It's because of the way abusers, bullies or whatever you want to call it keep you trapped in the relationship in the first place. They create an unhealthy obsession in their victims by treating them very badly whilst all the time dangling a bit of affection just out of reach. So you've been living in a distressed state for quite some time, trying to please him, excusing the bad behaviour, hoping he'd turn back into the nice guy you first met, craving his love & affection, and what you're experiencing now is just more of the same.

It's a destructive and vicious circle and the only way to break it is to do what you've done, get out of the loop, let the obsession subside and let your real feelings come through

I understand what your saying, amillionyears. There's a lot of sense in that approach, and it's the approach (had I been an outsider looking in) I would have been so sure I would have taken,..

However! I became worn down by the EA, struggled with the love I had, changed who I was, allowed myself to by manipulated and pretty quickly this intelligent , strong willed and determined person (me) let it all happen. Time and time again.

Reading it back, I can't believe it either. It sounds pathetic and I do feel ashamed that I couldn't walk when logically I should have made that move,

The love is another story! It's hard, and its hard knowing that in retrospect it was not reciprocated in the same way by DP. It will make it incredibly hard to love and trust again, I just would like to still believe in it and for this man not to have killed chaos' spirit!

Cogit, that's just it. It's realising I loved a bully. It didn't even occur to me until yesterday.

Amillionyears, yes TOTALLY. He could never deal with the hard times, only the good. His ability to cope in situations was limited. I realised that I am the sort who was prepared to fight for it (although that point aside it was a bad relationship and I had to leave), my point is I believe relationships have to be accepting of the good and bad! He wasn't

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sat 29-Dec-12 22:18:38

Some of the nicest people you'll meet turn out to be shits. smile There ought to be a law that they should go around in a 'I'm A Nasty Little Wanker' t-shirt or something so that we can spot them and not waste so much of our time. In the meantime, this article I found recently highlights some of the early-warning signs to look out for. Bet you recognise quite a few.

Life's a learning process. Shit happens and the only time to feel that you've failed is if you learn nothing from the mistakes. Yes, you'll not trust a man quite so naively again but that's not a bad thing.

olympicvibes Sat 29-Dec-12 22:21:09

Oh chaos I honestly could have written your post 5 years ago. It sounds like you have finally had enough. You have probably been unable to make decisions for a while but your family will look after you.
Pud is right- you will begin to see things differently but it takes time. You can pm me if you want-anytime.
My ex also closed down but that was his problem. You are dealing with your emotions while he may never do that. Its not about him anymore- now you can truly start to think about yourself and you will do. Right now it will hurt. I never thought i would let someone do that to me either. Believe me, emotional abusers are clever, manipulative damaged people. You just got out. It took me a good few more months after calling my family to start realising what had happened in the 3 years I was in it; lots of mixed emotions and trying to work out why or deal with heartbreak. You'll be ok, you really will. And then you will be good...then doing really well. You basically just took the hardest step so well done.
Wishing you all the best x

Thanks , cogit. 'The law of blame eventually falls to the closest person'- that's so true. I was the punchbag

HettySunshine Sat 29-Dec-12 22:26:20

There's a book by C.S. Lewis called 'A Grief Observed' the first line is 'No one ever told me grief felt so like fear.'

What you are feeling is completely, completely natural. it's terrifying to find yourself alone after being in the security of a relationship, even a bad one, and to build up a rosy version of your exdp.

What you're doing is right, tell a few trusted friends and let them pass the news on quietly to others.

Know that what you are feeling is normal but what someone said above sounds like really good advice, whenever you get the desire to be back with him remind yourself of how unhappy you were.

Think of 2013 as being your year of being free, don't rush into another relationship, catch up with your friends and do something brand new. Why not? It's your year!


Thanks , Hetty. All of what you say, and all the other OPs makes so much sense!

I just have to holding onto it, lose the urge to call him and stop fantasising about who I thought he was and hid he smelled and the good times. I'm between blindsided and numb with the severity and the speedy nature by which it has all taken.

I know logically that the hurt will ease

Thanks , Hetty. All of what you say, and all the other OPs makes so much sense!

I just have to holding onto it, lose the urge to call him and stop fantasising about who I thought he was and hid he smelled and the good times. I'm between blindsided and numb with the severity and the speedy nature by which it has all taken.

I know logically that the hurt will ease

amillionyears Sat 29-Dec-12 22:36:54

I dont think your spirit has been killed Chaos. Dented, but not killed.

Can I ask, and this may be a hard bit, do you think you have been abused in relationships before?
Not sure now is quite the right time to think about that. Up to you.

No, never until this. It's taken me so long to realise and accept it for what it is .

amillionyears Sat 29-Dec-12 22:52:57

You are in emotional shock.
Not to mention the practicalities that have to be worked out.
Glad you have family and friends to help you through.
You will get through.
It sounds like you will rediscover some of the old you.

I really hope so. Am lying in bed unable to sleep for second night just grieving for him. I don't suppose he cares for me in the same war. Either way, it is very hard sad

amillionyears Sat 29-Dec-12 23:05:07

Perhaps you should ask yourself, whether you would have him back??

My heart says YES. My head NO! Parents would kill me. And I know what's happened is far from right, am pining. I just texted sad why did I do that. I feel so pathetic and down trodden. I just want him , the old him. But that's just it. He didn't change, it's who he is and that's what am struggling to accept.

amillionyears Sat 29-Dec-12 23:17:34

hmm. What was he like with other people and other relationships he may have had?
I am sorry but I may have to go to bed at this point.
If I do, I hope someone else comes along, or that you are able to get some rest, if not some sleep.

His ex had issue with MIL , talk of anger management issues. Don't think to the level I've experienced, but never too sure. Night OP, and thank you x

olympicvibes Sat 29-Dec-12 23:22:09

I really do understand and am so sorry you are going through this pain. Look after yourself. Please please dont beat yourself up. You are a good person who has been treated very badly. Hugs.

Thank you OP. it's hard, all I think of is what he's doing and how he's feeling. I just want to hug the very person who wanted this situation , and the one who has been pretty awful to me . (Although am not perfect) I will it to get easier sad

Anyone out there?

AbigailAdams Sun 30-Dec-12 00:07:38

Chaos, you have done the right thing and it will get easier. If, for some reason, you went back to him now then leaving again would be so much harder. And he won't change. He is abusive. As Cogito said earlier in the thread you are grieving for what you thought the relationship could become not for what it actually was. Your relationship will never be how you want it because he is abusive. There is nothing you can do about that. Absolutely nothing.

Go easy on yourself. Abusive men are manipulative. That is how they get you to fall in love with them. That is how they get to be abusive. Hold in there and one day in the future (probably not that far away either) you will think "what on earth did I see in him". The longer you stay away and in the company of people who support you, the more you will see this man for what he is, not what you want him to be.

Giving you a virtual hug here.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 30-Dec-12 00:38:51

Switch your phone off and get some sleep. When you get up in the morning keep your phone off and busy yourself doing something absorbing, preferably with people who are not bringing you down talking about the break-up all the time. So important that you start to own this situation not 'because my parents would kill me' but because you really think it is the best thing to do and you want to be independent from this abusive man. I don't think you're there yet at all... you seem to be saying that you've only left because they swooped in and rescued you?

To get past where you are now I think you have to exert some control and that's going to be not simply over him and your parents (well-meaning though they are) but over yourself. It's going to involve a BIG effort to keep moving one pace forward and away from him each day. This is the DANGER PERIOD where you are feeling lonely and vulnerable. If you end up 'following your heart', texting etc, he'll get his manipulative claws into you, you'll go back and you'll regret it.

So go off grid until you're feeling stronger. House-phone only for genuine friends. Leave the mobile out of reach.

olympicvibes Sun 30-Dec-12 00:47:16

Sorrywas away for a bit. There is no right or wrong to what you are feeling. Confusion over wanting to help someone and not give up is pretty hard gk deal with alone so you turn to the person again. But they cannot and will not be tbe person you want them to be. You have to be really strong now because you could spend another year with them like i did. Took me a while to get out of the cycle. Thank god i did. Now with someone who is kind and caring but needed time to myself and with friends to get throuh and be strong and happy again. Hope you manage to sleep this eve.

amillionyears Sun 30-Dec-12 07:25:45

Did you get any sleep or rest Chaos?
Are you thinking any differently at all to last night?

amillionyears Sun 30-Dec-12 07:27:56

Have you had any relationships with people doing bad behaviour before?
I have other questions if you want them.

Thank you everyone. Cogit, that's just it, I knew in my heart of hearts it wasn't right but I just couldn't go, I loved him (and do) so much that I wanted to make it right, wanted to help him.

I knew I had to have the courage to admit it, and I did. But when my dad told me to jump in my car and drive to my parents I just couldn't. I just couldn't and can't accept the failure. And that its on his terms, this was never my choice. I still crave him so bad.

You're right, I did text him saying I missed him. I did last night and I still do today. He said ghd same. None of it makes sense and because I really can't eat or sleep I can't focus on anything. I have so much to sort but I can't deal with it, it worries me. This is not the person I used to be.

Hi amillionyears. No sleep at all. Still struggling to cope with everything and with the fact the end of the year is nigh tomorrow.

I've had relatively ok relationships before. There was a lovely guy who was a fool drunk, but I grew out of it. Sadly one who cheated, and another who I suspect to have been. I certainly have been hurt before and struggle with loss and rejection. My now ex knew this and I was in such a good place when I met him. I wonder if that was part of the attraction.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 30-Dec-12 09:52:21

"I have so much to sort but I can't deal with it, it worries me. This is not the person I used to be."

In the middle of a traumatic situation, few of us are the person we used to be. The trick is to work out what kind of person you don't want to be. I'd suggest what you don't want to be is the grovelling type, pathetically grateful for a crumb of attention from an abusive man, willing to forget all your values & sacrifice your self-respect for the sake of a bit of cock.... hmm

So decide what you don't want, make it difficult for yourself to get in touch (by turning off the phone etc), get plenty of rest, consciously eat properly (even if you don't feel hungry) and be with people who love you.

madgered Sun 30-Dec-12 09:54:09

I know how you are feeling. it's hell isn't it. But like previous posters have mentioned, you are going through a grieving period. I hope you are getting some weekly counseling too. I've been doing that and I've also upped my exercise regime, eating healthily and surrounding myself with positive stimuli. the nights are the worst, waking up at 3am and dwelling and brooding. I don't have an answer for that problem.
I think my biggest fear is the future, the great unknown, how will I cope, I will be so lonely etc. a wise friend said to me "Step out of your comfort zone, that's when the magic happens". It's scary, I know. but you sound lovely and all this angst and mental self mutilation is not worth it . Take care x

Thank you both. I hope I can begin to see through this cloud soon. I am brooding and waking and thinking only of the good times. But then forgetting how they were closely followed by some of the lowest times of my life. I became someone who cried at everything and he blamed me for being such a wailing baby, and I believed I was. My mind and body were warning me. I am fortunate to have lovely thick and glossy hair, and it snapped - my hairdresser was horrified. My exema on my hands has resurfaced and I've comfort ate and drank myself for at least a year. I can see all that was wrong, and I truly can. I just want to see more of that when I get clouded by the 'why did he do this to me' 'how could he' 'what about our love, hopes and dreams'- everything I believed we could be and were. I am having to accept to all never was. And that's why am feeling so, so low x

Magered, am sorry to hear of your situation.

The naive part of me just can't believe how this happens! I thought before meeting him that you had to be a certain 'type' to get involved in this, to buy it, to live with it. Oh how wrong and judgey pants was I? I have realised that this can, will, and sadly does happen to all sorts of women, all from different walks of life.

I need to stop trying to understand and rationalise with someone who doesn't rationalise. His mother is an incredibly manipulative, difficult and wicked woman. I don't say any of this lightly, I have seen it with my own eyes, and I thought no, no, it isn't that bad. Until my whold family saw the relationship between mother and son and the zany dynamic this brought. I suppose the warning signs were always there, j just clutched into this man as he was so perfect on the outside and honestly? I was in a great place and felt he was the missing part in my jigsaw.

Now I know he messed that jigsaw up, and only I can piece it together.

I understand what you say too about the future. Right now am refusing to acknowledge that I have to start thinking about it. Am in denial about it, and I think it's just the shock.

My DP said all the right things, the things that made my heart warm and I miss hearing them and seeing him. But he could never back his words up by actions.

My parents have a great relationship and I used to always look to my dad and say to DP that my father would never dream if treating my mother the way he did me. But he continued, and I let if all happen. And I still love this person, why?!

olympicvibes Sun 30-Dec-12 10:10:26

You might never understand him or really know why he acted the way he did. You cant fix him. It is up to him to do that. Your confidence and independance have taken a kicking so it is vry difficult to make decisions that take you further away from him because he was controlling you. But you can and will build yourself up again with help from family and good friends.
Do you feel like you did the chasing to stay in touch or tried to support him no matter what was happening- but he decided when to open up to you? Did he keep you waiting for emotional responses or stop taking calls/ shut off in some other way? If he did, you have become used to accepting less than the bare minimum and this is why it is so important to use this time to remember you can't accept that anymore.

I always chased, I always fought for him, I always maintained I saw the good in him and would never give up on him. He has no family bar manipulative mother, and I mean no family. I think he perhaps envied my large family. All of whom I have now told, as we visited them often. No one bar my father saw him for what he was. Everyone feels shocked, as he was always the perfect gentleman around others.

I waited on him, hand and foot, and waited for him. I tried so hard to be the perfect wife, cooking fresh dinners very niht and running a spotless house and life full of plans for others.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 30-Dec-12 10:19:56

" And I still love this person, why?!"

Because love isn't rational. If you think about it, people love all kinds of random and silly stuff. Think of all the vicious pets people not only put up with but treasure and sob over besides. When the abusive man in my life left me I still had feelings for him for a surprisingly long time. We'd been together 12 years and I'd had to defend him against all-comers (my family didn't like him) & see him through various self-imposed 'crises'. So there was a lot of emotional investment plus, like you, there were some really good times. When it was wrenched away it took a long time for rational feelings like anger and indignation to take their rightful place and the irrational affection to subside.

So don't expect miracles after only a few days... just recognise your feelings for what they actually are i.e. a hangover from a very unhealthy misplaced optimism rather than genuine love.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 30-Dec-12 10:21:35

"I tried so hard to be the perfect wife,"

That's why you're struggling because you're still in that 'how can I please you?' mind-set. You still think that if you can be perfect again, he'll stop hitting you.... That's not love, of course, that's a survival mechanism

Yes , it was very misplaced. It has been such a huge shock to my system; admitting it, going, and seeing his lack of care for my feelings and basic respect for my family and I.

I feel that I never knew the man at all.

I am sitting procrastinating over a voucher given to us for Christmas for an overnight stay at our favourite hotel. Worrying that in all of this there HAS to be someone else for him to switch, and that he may take someone else to our place.

I am really not coping. Are i

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 30-Dec-12 10:25:39

From Wikipedia

Stockholm syndrome, or capture-bonding, is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy, sympathy and have positive feelings towards their captors, sometimes to the point of defending them. These feelings are generally considered irrational in light of the danger or risk endured by the victims, who essentially mistake a lack of abuse from their captors for an act of kindness

Replace the words 'hostages' and 'captors' with 'partners' and that's your relationship in a nutshell, I'd say. "Mistaking lack of abuse for kindness" is what keeps a lot of abused women trapped.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 30-Dec-12 10:27:43

"he may take someone else to our place."

And what if he does? Take his next victim to a hotel? You know how he operates now. Starts with nice hotels and best gentlemanly behaviour but in a relatively short space of time has her running around like a skivvy, anxious to please him, falling into the same trap you just escaped. Maybe you should leave a note at reception telling the poor cow to run while she still has the chance?....

It's so true, cogit. Why did he make me feel so crazy for it?

I have heard from a mutual friend that he has said he didn't treat me the way he should have, or the way I deserved. It's a relief that he admits that, but why didn't he? I feel low as I don't know what I did to deserve this.

In your experience, did you have a eureka moment? As you say your family didn't like him, why ? Did they too see what my father saw in him?

I just don't want to feel like am being so easily replaced sad

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 30-Dec-12 10:39:26

"As you say your family didn't like him, why ? Did they too see what my father saw in him?"

My family saw straight through my ex for the miserable, spoilt brat that he was. Simple as that. Whereas I enjoyed the racy lifestyle that he introduced me to (his family were quite well-to-do), thought his personal problems could be fixed by my love <boak> and.... like all stupid young women... thought my family were simply being boring kill-joys that knew nothing about anything. So I hid the worse aspects of our relationship for fear of hearing 'I told you so', tried desperately to make him happy and ended up in a right mess.

I did not have a eureka moment, sadly, because he left me for someone else. Ironic in the circumstances. Took me a long time to feel angry so I do understand where you're at and why I'm encouraging you to stay separate, be strong and put yourself first. You've only wasted 2 years... I wasted 12.

Jemma1111 Sun 30-Dec-12 10:40:53


Your'e bound to feel the way you do at the moment because as others have said, you will be missing the life that you hoped you would have had with him. Its hard to realize that he is not who you thought it was, he's an abusive bully and that will never change.

Keep reading on mn and I also advise you to read the Lundy Bancroft book 'why does he do that'. Also keep yourself busy by meeting up with friends/family. In time you will be so glad you got rid of him and you will have peace of mind again.

Just to add, please change your mobile number so he can't use his manipulative charm to worm his way back into your life.

It all sounds a bit close to home, ie like my story.

I still have some items in the house and outer buildings and held onto keys until I received money - which he swiftly credited into my bank account.

How do I get these items? He's got such a potential to be nasty/or nice.

He cries a lot too, is that normal, I fear it's self pity?

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 30-Dec-12 10:45:14

"I just don't want to feel like am being so easily replaced "

Pride means that no-one likes to feel that. However, looking at your relationship as an outsider, it seems that you've spent two years thinking he's 'the one', gearing yourself up as the perfect partner (even referring to yourself as 'wife' I notice), probably thinking ahead to children and how you're going to be the white haired old couple holding hands on the promenade? Whereas he's seen you more as OK to keep his bed warm and run around after him while it suits but otherwise no big deal..... hence why he treated you with contempt and why he's moved so swiftly on. I know how you feel and it's not nice at all.

Mind my asking how old you are?

Hi Jemma. I'll never go back, am just struggling with the realisation that all of this was infact very little. He got so angry at me fit the littlest things, like crumbs on the floor.

The first thing he did after I took my stuff with the assistance of my parents and once we had left was to call mutual friends and to get his side in. He then (within 30 mins) deleted me off Facebook and all my friends and family. I thought that was really nasty and hurtful and showed where his priorities were sad

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 30-Dec-12 10:47:49

"He cries a lot too, is that normal, I fear it's self pity?"

Not self-pity... manipulation & button-pushing. Using fake emotion to evoke a sympathetic response. Crocodile tears. You're lucky... some go so far as to threaten suicide when you talk about leaving! For the items in the house, ask your Dad or a friend to go along and get them. Very important you keep your distance.

I know , cogit. That's exactly how I saw it , and how I believed he saw it too. We had dreams together, he always talked of us marrying, chose kids names Etc. perhaps I feel duped on that account!

I am 26. He is 34. I have known him several years, know his ex too. Unfortunately we work in same company, I fortunately am in a different office. I feel it would be easier to never see him again.

Jemma1111 Sun 30-Dec-12 10:48:42

Get your family members to collect your things, really, you shouldn't go anywhere near this twat as he may use it as an opportunity to make you take him back (which you will regret if you do) or he may well turn nasty.

Abusive men do cry, they do this as another abusive tactic to get you to feel sorry for them. Don't be fooled by tears !

maleview70 Sun 30-Dec-12 10:56:08

Picture viewing this on a dating website.

Bad tempered, abusive man who likes to treat women like shit, partial to pushing them around and inflicting the off bruise or two.....

These are all words used by you in your initial post.

Would you contact that man for a date?

You must under no circumstances contact him as the healing process will take much longer if you do. Your dad is always a wise person to look to for advice.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 30-Dec-12 10:56:19

A different office is not going to keep you sufficiently apart. You may have to consider job-hunting if you're to truly get this man out of your system.

He had already done that a year ago. Not when I threatened to leave, but threatened suicids. Stood in the kitchen with a knife to his bare chest . I panicked , he said if I came closer it would be me. I ran to living room to call someone and he slammed the knife do hard and screamed I thought he did it, he'd stabbed the worktop instead.

I had my first panic attack the next day. I called my dad at 5am as he then ran away for two hours and was suicidal - I believed in his eyes that he would do if. I didn't think of me, only him

Hi maleview. Can I ask if you are indeed male?

My parents are threatening to call the police, I don't want that. It would only make me look bitter and twisted, and he'd turn if around. And it would ruin my work, something am incredibly proud of and not prepared to walk away from. If I have up on all I worked for for one wanker then I am not the person I thought I was.

olympicvibes Sun 30-Dec-12 11:05:17

My ex made it so difficult to go back for my stuff and it really made a difference. (I left v suddenly with one bag after final straw was physical abuse) When I went to collect my belongings he either refused to talk, acted totally fine and 'breezy' or made it worse by having a friend over casually playing pool and having a laugh ffs while I gathered things up. Im not saying this will happen to you but you have to protect yourself. Oh they know how to be utterly charming to everyone...just don't put yourself in a position where he can hurt you.
Plan to get your things asap with help from family and for him to be out at time.

That's what our mutual friend said, he sounded 'calm and controlled' on the phone.

Whilst I was a blubbering mess, struggling to understand everything.

CuttedUpPear Sun 30-Dec-12 11:13:54

Well done OP for making the break and for the distance you've come since your first post.

I know your situation. I was with a man like this for 6 years and had a child with him. It took a long long time for me to admit that I was wrong about him and that what he felt for me was not love. I probably did love him, like you love your man, but in the end I realised that my love was misplaced and not healthy.

Actually it was a bit of an embarrassment for me to admit all this to myself. It was a kind of addiction I had, of needing his approval in between the abuse and neglect.

It took a long time to get over him and I went through a lot of loneliness (and letting him come back and sleep with me blush) before I realised that there were other people in the world who made me feel a lot better about myself than he did.

Count your lucky stars that you are so young still and that you didn't have children with him.
There is a whole lovely life waiting there for you when you are ready to seize it.

Thank you, cutteduppear. I totally hear what you're sayin, and feel it! He made me feel crazy, and will continue to do so I know he will! But then I saw his mother and the way she is, he's only going to turn out just as twisted.

I don't want to sleep with him sad but we did the day I left in the morning. It was like he wasn't there. I would really like to forget all of this hurt x

And I am so embarassed by how he's treated me, my family witnessing it, and for humiliating us all on Facebook like that. I deleted Facebook there and then, and I don't want back.

maleview70 Sun 30-Dec-12 11:33:01

Yes I am. Why do you ask?

Because I'd like perspective! I am struggling with the love I have , the decision I've made (or the one that was made for me) and how I can learn to trust a good man again? How can I ever tell a man this? It makes it look like its me

CuttedUpPear Sun 30-Dec-12 11:40:20

OP you're just at the start of a long journey away from your situation. Take it easy and don't expect too much - but every day will be an achievement.

The embarrassment will fade and you will have learned some very important stuff which will make you a better person. I remember friends not understanding why I didn't just walk away from my XP; sometimes you have to have been there to know.

CuttedUpPear Sun 30-Dec-12 11:42:42

I understand your feelings about trust and looking like the blame is with you. But right now you're not yourself anyway.
Give it some time. Of course you will trust and love again, but it will come later when you are ready - it won't be tomorrow but then nor would you want it to be.

Oh I know what you mean on that one! He really just doesn't care sad

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 30-Dec-12 11:48:02

" how I can learn to trust a good man again? How can I ever tell a man this? It makes it look like its me"

Re trust. You will be more wary with your next relationship and that's natural and healthy. You will spot 'red flags' earlier and you will take your time to get to know someone rather than wearing your heart on your sleeve. You will only give your trust when someone has earned it. All positive

Re telling. You don't actually have to tell anyone anything if you don't want to. Back to wearing your heart on your sleeve. Even in a relationship, it doesn't follow that you have to bare all your emotions and secrets. You are entitled to privacy. It is legitimate to say 'I have been hurt in the past' and leave it at that until you can be sure you trust someone.

Re blame. Only you think 'it's you' at the moment. Everyone from your friends and family to the winged monkeys of MN think 'it's him'. Anyone that hears your story and thinks you are to blame for being a victim of domestic abuse..... drop like a hot rock!

Thanks , cogit you've been a lifeline.

I've so far managed not to text for a whole 12 hours!

maleview70 Sun 30-Dec-12 11:51:52

For me women invest alot in relationships. From a very early age you are being told you are a princess and you will marry and have babies etc etc....this becomes a dream and then hopefully reality. When it doesn't work out that way it can be devastating as you are finding. Don't get me wrong men can suffer too in break ups as I have found twice in my life.

What it will teach you is how to spot the next potential abusive man. You will see the signs from an early stage and hopefully learn that you deserve better and will not accept that sort of behaviour.

I may get slammed for this but in my opinion you can tell alot about a person from the upbringing they had and the way their parents are. My two significant exes (one wife, one gf) both had troubled childhoods and I believe their behaviour was influenced by this. My own behaviour in relationahips is heavily influenced by being brought up in a house deviod of love and affection and makes me struggle with intimacy.

You mention the same for your abuser( I'll call him that because ultimately that's what he is).

My current wife had a very loving childhood, parents who still love each other 40 years later and it shows in how stable she is and how she behaves in a relationship.

Clearly there will be people who buck the trend and make fine partners despite their upbringing but I bet if you did some research on this then the most stable partners will have come from the most stable and loving backgrounds. Maybe I am wrong and will be hammered for having this view but it's just the way I see it.

What I am getting at is don't just follow your heart. Follow your head and make sound relationship decisions going forward.

You have time on your side at 26. Learn from this experience and move on in your own time.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 30-Dec-12 11:56:15

"I've so far managed not to text for a whole 12 hours!"

Then you deserve a reward! Seriously. Think of something nice you could do this afternoon, even if it's just rustling up a cup of tea and flicking through some mags. Make it through to 24 hours, 48 hours, a week of no contact... etc.. and reward yourself again. It's all part of the long process of putting yourself #1 in control your life rather than #2 to an abuser, rebuilding your confidence, repositioning yourself as a worthwhile person that deserves treats and nice things to happen to them.

(BTW the suicide trick is from 'Emotional Abuse for Dummies'... smile V common and about as cheap and nasty as it gets)

Male view, thank you. I don't think you're BU. I am from a large family who all remain together and parents been married over 30 years. He had no family, a manipulative mother and didn't speak with excitement about his childhood.

I challenged how his father behaved towards his mother when alive and he too had anger management issues, I never saw that in my father. Infact he's the most mild mannered man I've ever met.

DP , or ex DP I should say complained about our Christmas (at my parents) as he thought we were excessive - my parents hide things and make 'treasure trails'- lol. He accused me of bring ever so selfish to indulge in this. In reality it was maybe a reminder of what he never had, and what he never will have

cogit it's killing me not to,, but I know you and everyone else is right!

Could anyone who has suffered this eat? Or sleep? 3 days and not even hungry. Or thirsty.

OverlyYappyAlways Sun 30-Dec-12 12:03:35

Oh good Bob has back tracked, wants to do coffee/cake tomorrow taking kids to xyz nice place I should be taking mine too,would you like to go for cake/coffee 2morrow? loved last night, you never shut up ha xxxxxx

Yeah cheers Bob I get that blush

I'm so going to GP for shut me up pills this is not even funny anymore.. whats with the talking all the time and funny life stories?

Good I don't even have to wash and get dressed until 3pm ish! I cannot do tomorrow ... I have the DC, can forgot Bob for while, Im annoying myself now! I Cannot shut up about s man...

End of story.....
I need to rest!!!! I had a fucking date last night, that's a 10 on stress levels...

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 30-Dec-12 12:05:18

Maleview is indeed male,, and you would do well to heed his words along with all the other brilliant advice you have had here

The only thing I would add is that you need to have a plan for how you will resist him inevitably come crawling back. You have succumbed before after some of the most appalling emotional abuse and manipulation. What is going to be different this time ?

anyfucker because I've been truthful with everyone to the point if no return. I've stopped hiding what I really felt and my emotions. I've told those that I really love and trust everything. For them i'll not ever go back

Should I speak to his ex in time? Also a friend of mine from se time back? Or does that just look pathetic?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 30-Dec-12 12:11:07

For them I'll never go back

I am not knocking what gets you through, but you will not be "safe" from this man until you never go back for YOURSELF

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 30-Dec-12 12:12:17

Wrong thread, overly?

I know. I need to get there. It wasn't my decision to leave it to be taken away. But it had to be the right decision and it had to after the hell I've been through these last 3 days. Without question the lowest point in my life sad

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 30-Dec-12 12:16:28

Abusive men foster this "it's us against the world" mindset. If you are as stuck on him as you say, you are in danger of ditching the goodwill of your friends and family for your dream of what he could be (if only you could help him...)

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 30-Dec-12 12:18:13

"Could anyone who has suffered this eat? Or sleep? 3 days and not even hungry. Or thirsty."

Takes more than some mardy bastard bloke to put me off me food smile Important to eat so that you have some energy because things are always worse when you're knackered and malnourished. Chicken soup, a multivitamin and plenty of hot, sweet tea...

I can't and I won't! He's some enough. I've never been this low how dare he do this to me I must get angry

Ah cogit tried everything, just can't stomach it

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 30-Dec-12 12:20:50

The heartbreak diet.

You will survive and lose a few pounds in the process. Win/win

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 30-Dec-12 12:22:38

"Should I speak to his ex in time? Also a friend of mine from se time back? Or does that just look pathetic?"

Best to face forward rather than back. Not sure what you'd want to speak to his ex about but the longer you obsess about his motives, his actions and his words it will prevent you from progressing. You'll stagnate at the 'why would he do this to me?' stage for too long.

amillionyears Sun 30-Dec-12 12:23:45

Sorry Chaos, couldnt come back till now.
Loads of good posts here.
Answered a few of my questions from earlier.
Glad you are only 26. There is a lot of potentail good life ahead of you!

There are quite a lot of things that stand out from what you said.
Agree btw with maleview about looking at a persons childhood and background. It isnt a definite, but it will give you a good idea of how things could pan out.

Also, you said you chased him. Again, an old fashioned view, but I think if the woman has to do a lot of the chasing at the beginning, that is not a good sign to me. I think if a man isnt even prepared to put in a lot of effort in the beginning of the first flushes of a relationship, then they probably are not going to put in more effort later on, when the going gets tougher.

Also, cooking nice meals etc etc isnt much of a guarantee in a relationship, when things are rocky anyway.

Hi amillionyears again!

I didn't chase him in the beginning, he persued me. I fell in love and by nature am caring and would see right by anyone. So I did . At detriment to myself

amillionyears Sun 30-Dec-12 12:26:33

I personally dont think you need be bothered too much about the eating. Drink something yes [of the non alcholic variety may be best in he circumstances],eating, not so much.

Sleeping, lying in the bed as if you are going to sleep, should give you some rest at least.

amillionyears Sun 30-Dec-12 12:27:26

Did you try and "rescue" him, as well as fall in love with him?

anyfucker stomach looking very trim, lol!

I wish I could sleep i love my sleep and am so used to him holding me in bed

Didn't see it as rescue as things were incredible for the first 4 months. I tried to help him with his anger and demons ie the suicids threats by suggesting counselling. His mother is such am attention seeker though and I wonder if infact a lot if it was just that

meddie Sun 30-Dec-12 12:36:09

not being able to eat is a pretty common response. that will pass.
Please do not contact him or let him contact you. I can't stress how important that is, I know its hard and you just want to talk or hear their voice. But you really need to go cold turkey. Its like an addiction, little bits of contact feed that addiction and prolong the withdrawal and will ultimately drag out the process of getting past this initial painful stage.

It does get better it really does. It wont happen overnight and this initial raw stage can last a while and is hard to face knowing how painful it can be. but you have to be strong and gradually you will realise. you aren't looking at your phone so often, he isn't the first thing you think about, you stop obsessing about what went wrong/whats he doing etc etc.

Good luck on your journey, believe me its worth it.You will look back in a year and think What the hell was that about, what did I see in him. You need the distance to be able to see this clearly. Remaining entangled with him through the drip drip of irregular contact wont allow you to disentangle your feelings.

amillionyears Sun 30-Dec-12 12:43:42

Your posts of 10.05am , 10.09am and 10.18a, are illuminating.

It sounds like you brushed things under the carpet. You knew things were wrong, but just kept looking for the good things about him.
And you were not very honest with yourself.

tribpot Sun 30-Dec-12 12:49:19

These aren't 'anger management issues', OP. He doesn't get angry when he abuses, he chooses to behave abusively. It is much more controlled than it may appear.

Many posters on here who have escaped abusive relationships wish they had gone to the police in retrospect. Particularly when he starts on his next victim. It's not vengeful to report being the victim of a crime.

amillionyears and tribpot, I did brush things under the carpet, I accepted his behaviour as the sacrifice I had to make to be in love and create the perfect image. We had everything, wanted for nothing. But in reality I had nothing.

He is permanently angry , be it work, me and my chaos , his mother, the uncontrollable. He just snaps. One time we went to get the bus into torn and he asked if I had change, I did ie pound coins and not down to the 10p. I said yes and we boarded the bus. I hadn't realised it was correct change (never use bus) and we were short and all I had was a 20 note which driver wouldn't accept. Instead of laughing if when I said oh shit ill just pay for a taxi, he stormed off leaving me humiliated, back into house, slammed door and sat upstairs in utter rage and refused to go out. Of course we did go out and it was all ok, until the next time

amillionyears Sun 30-Dec-12 13:10:45

Did you see or notice his anger in the first four months?
Or did he manage to hide it.

I didn't see it at all. All hidden

amillionyears Sun 30-Dec-12 13:15:56

Ah. Big problem.
You are saying he managed to hide it all?
Or it was there, but you didnt see it, you were somewhat blinded?

He hid it all I had no idea. I was completely in love by the time it happened

amillionyears Sun 30-Dec-12 13:24:33

Oh heck sad

Agree with whoever said they should wear a TShirt.

amillionyears Sun 30-Dec-12 13:26:29

It is so much easier the other way round.
When it can be seen, and is up to people what they do about it.

Feel like we are doing a timeline here.

And you are saying it was only over Christmas that you saw him for who he really is?

I know . I was and am so in love with him. And I always looked for that person in him, and it is there. It just then reverts back to anger.

I miss him so so much. Where is he? What is he doing, is he thinking of me?

I look so dejected sad

I saw him for who he was a year ago with the anger amillionyears but only when my family got a glimpse did I begin to crack

amillionyears Sun 30-Dec-12 13:29:17

And they got a glimpse this Christmas?
Or a year ago? Sorry I am getting a little confused.

There is so much I can remember about the silly episodes that triggered the anger in him. But nothing should have triggered, no one should react like that

This Christmas

amillionyears Sun 30-Dec-12 13:33:23

Sorry to say, but I think he may have somewhat emotionally moved on.

He has own issues. He can only cope with his own life, when life is going swimmingly.
I have seen it with people I know unfortunately.
[And, as a sort of btw. I dont know if many posters remember Frank [sometimes husband of Pat in Eastenders]
He was the life and soul of the party until things went wrong in his life. Then he did all sorts of rash things. Which took him months to get right and recover from]

amillionyears Sun 30-Dec-12 13:35:06

It sounds like he needs therapy or counselling. I dont know the difference between the both.

It amazes me that people like him can keep his real self hidden for as long as 4 months.

You're so right, I know you are. He just can't cope witn life.

The hard and sad truth is I loved him and all I wanted was to be loved in return.

Ill never regret it, I did everything i could to make it work , help him, time and time again.

Am so very sorry that he couldn't help himself and respect me so little. Perhaps his love is different from the love I have been brought up with.

I miss him sad

amillionyears Sun 30-Dec-12 13:36:05

Do you have work that you have to get back to at some point?

I've told him over and over to seek help. But he always goes back to a DM and she's so manipulative and I fear he has the gene too

Viviennemary Sun 30-Dec-12 13:36:33

He is not a nice peson. You have admitted that yourself. Absolutely dwell on this side of the relationship. Every time you think about him say to yourself he was a nasty controlling agressive bully. Your subconscious should get the message in the end. that's the theory anyway.

Yes next Thursday. Parents 2 hours away and nowhere to stay, so scared

dequoisagitil Sun 30-Dec-12 13:47:38

Can you take a leave of absence? I think it's very important you don't end up back at work so close to him with no support within 2 hours of you.

Is it a national company? Could you get a transfer?

No, sadly not, and I don't want to show weakness

I feel so lonely without him

I just wish him here. I used to wear his shirt every night to bed as I loved his smell. Am torturing myself

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 30-Dec-12 13:56:02

" I accepted his behaviour as the sacrifice I had to make to be in love and create the perfect image."

You think he can't cope with life but he copes fine by throwing these overgrown toddler tantrums, blaming everyone else for his shortcomings and having others run around after him. You will have been replaced (or you will be shortly replaced) by someone who also feels sorry for him & believes that he would be perfect if only he got the love he deserved. It's how they get through life

During your relationship did he ever refer back to his ex, and if so, in what terms? Not glowing I bet.

Never slagged her off at all. None of it makes sense to me

Desperate to see him now, where is he sad

Can't bear the thought of him being with someone else

amillionyears Sun 30-Dec-12 13:57:39

I think it is ok to want the image of what you thought you had, iyswim.

So long as you dont confuse that in the future with what is the reality.

That sounds harsh as I write that.
But perhaps what you need to read?

He was my everything. I invested so much and he's just gone

I know all of what I need to do, and you're right.

Am just really struggling with the love I have .

dequoisagitil Sun 30-Dec-12 13:59:49

It isn't showing weakness, it's strength. Taking yourself back into his sphere of influence is temptation, not independence.

You've already been strong by telling people what is going on and shining a light on your relationship, you need to be a bit stronger again and find a way around the work problem.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 30-Dec-12 14:01:00

"Desperate to see him now, where is he "

He's either out finding his next victim or working up some kind of sob story/charm offensive to get his last victim back in the cage..... Yes, you are torturing yourself. The psychologically smart thing to do would be to take that rotten, stinking shirt and ceremonially burn it rather than keep using it as some kind of talisman. You also need to think about where you're going to stay when you start work on Thursday or face a very long commute. Could you get the ball rolling looking for a place? Channel your energy into something constructive?

amillionyears Sun 30-Dec-12 14:01:08

I dont think another person should ever be anyone's everything.
Nor can they ever hope to be.

If you have health problems, lose a friend or relation, lose your job etc etc. It all adds up to other things in your life that are precious as well.

dequoisagitil Sun 30-Dec-12 14:01:08

It's obsession more than love, chaos.

I need to lose feelings for him. And I can't.

It doesn't mean am going back, am not. I just love and miss him so much and am struggling to accept how hard it's hit me.

Why am I obsessed? I don't want to be if I am!

I know, I built him into something maybe he just was not.

I can't ring or text, can I?

dequoisagitil Sun 30-Dec-12 14:07:21

You need to go no contact. You need to fill your time & head with other things.

He has been your primary focus for two years, where you've been trying to please, appease and help him, where your behaviour and thoughts have revolved around him to the detriment of everything else in your life.

Of course there's a huge gap where he was, but what you had wasn't healthy and was abusive.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 30-Dec-12 14:08:04

You're obsessing because you're on MN and I'm conscious that I and others are now probably guilty of feeding the obsession by letting you chew it over and over and over. You need to take yourself away, do something completely different and get your mind on something else entirely. Really... don't call or text unless you want to put yourself back on the slippery slope to more abuse, more obsession, more misery...

amillionyears Sun 30-Dec-12 14:08:11

He isnt real.
You need to fight it.

I dont know what peoples tips are in this situation?

I think you know the truth about him now.
And have accepted the truth.
Dont know the next step.
I am pretty sure, other MNs do though.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 30-Dec-12 14:09:57

No, do not contact him

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 30-Dec-12 14:12:03

Put your trainers on and go for a walk, despite the weather. Leave your phone behind. Get off MN for a while.

maleview70 Sun 30-Dec-12 15:23:09

Everytime you want to ring or text, picture having a child with him, a daughter, and explaining to them how you got your bruise on your arm, why mummy and daddy are arguing, why daddy always shouts at you, why you keep walking into doors and getting black eyes....

Picture your child as a young women repeating history and being beaten black and blue by her abusive boyfriend. She comes to you or advice. What do you say?

You need to be strong. You need to distance yourself from this man. He is a bully and if you ever make the mistake of going back, it will almost certainly get worse. Leopards very rarely change their spots.

thinkingofhim Sun 30-Dec-12 15:55:05

Hi- just to let you know I know how you feel because I am in a similar situation at the moment.

I think of him all the time. Wondering what he is doing and if he is thinking of me. Its so hard isn't it.

I really do sympathise with you as I now how hard it is for me at the moment

Thank you everyone, you're very kind. And I know you're right.

I have spent the afternoon sorting out all my stuff- buried the photographs and memories for another day to sort through, for when am in a better state.

My father had giving me a talking down for crying for 2 days now so I decided I had to stop wallowing

thinkingofhim very hard, and he's being very callous and cold, which hurts even more. Am not a particularly sensitive soul but I have feelings and he seems to not think of them, only himself.

amillionyears Sun 30-Dec-12 17:44:07

Your dad seems to know what is what.
Glad he is there for you.

Allergictoironing Sun 30-Dec-12 18:56:26

Chaos keep reminding yourself just how callous & cold he is being, and how self centred he is, it should help smile.

I am ! I hope to one day meet someone truly decent like my father (corny).

Relationships should be mutually beneficial and I've witnessed true love between my parents, it's unconditional.

The love I had for him was just that. Am not sure he had the ability to love like me with hindsight.

It's such a difficult lesson and its going to get even harder as I find somewhere to live.

I think I've finally stopped crying. Father gave me a stern talking about crying solid for 2 days.

He wants to meet tomorrow.

dequoisagitil Sun 30-Dec-12 19:41:23


Don't go.

amillionyears Sun 30-Dec-12 19:43:41

He? Your dad or him?


I don't know. Am desperate to see him but can't, can i

dequoisagitil Sun 30-Dec-12 19:56:09

No, because you're wanting to fall into his arms and let him tell you he'll never hurt you again. But he would.

tribpot Sun 30-Dec-12 19:56:39

He knows that the silent treatment is working because you texted him yesterday and showed your hand.

Now he wants to get back in your head and make it impossible for you to think straight.

No, you shouldn't see him. It emphatically will not help you.

I know. I want someone truly decent, not him. But obviously am still too attached to him just now sad

Jellykat Sun 30-Dec-12 20:00:34

If you meet him, you will be drawn back in again i can guarantee it..
I can also guarantee if that happens, you will be back where you are now within a year.
You have to go 'cold turkey' to break free.

amillionyears Sun 30-Dec-12 20:00:59

Would a short break somewhere help?
Getting away from routines and familiar things and places?

Jemma1111 Sun 30-Dec-12 20:01:02

Change your number !

Don't respond to him whatsoever. Seriously, you would be crazy to not take heed of all the advice you have been given from lots of people .

I just don't know. It's all I've wanted. But I know it won't change, and I won't go back x

tribpot Sun 30-Dec-12 20:21:40

You said it yourself: ^ DP said all the right things, the things that made my heart warm and I miss hearing them and seeing him. But he could never back his words up by actions.^

Seriously - why would you want empty flattery when you could be living a life of sincerity, either alone or with someone else? He said the things he needed to say to keep you on the hook.

amillionyears Sun 30-Dec-12 20:49:55

First paragragh of tribpot's post.
I meant to comment on that earlier.
I go by what a person does, not what they say.
That way, it cuts out the charmers.

Talking is cheap.

Yes, talk is cheap! My father said thst nothing was backed up by actions!

amillionyears Sun 30-Dec-12 20:56:47

I love your dad!

Ha ha! So amillionyears we've heard enough about me now! What's your story? Are you happy now?

amillionyears Sun 30-Dec-12 21:35:19

I have been married for 25 years.

Sort of grew up in quite a male environment.
Noticed that some of them didnt quite live up to their image.
Noticed that it was best to go by what a person did, and ignore a lot of what they said.
Was wary and careful.
Did a lot of talking with my DH to be before I would agree to marry him. He had to change a few things about himself, else he knew I would not marry him.
I still consider myself fortunate. Nothing is really totally guaranteed when considering a partner.
I did notice that the way that he was brought up and the way I was brought up was remarkably similar.

I think that's what am looking for too!

We'll see what the future holds

olympicvibes Sun 30-Dec-12 21:57:59

Hi chaos, you said he was so angry-everything was your fault. So was wondering did he used to kick off before you had plans or had friends coming over/ going to friends together? Did you drift away from friends or lose confidence socially?
It's like Jekyll & Hyde.

olympicvibes Sun 30-Dec-12 22:01:34

People going up and down, moody, angry, hot then cold is emotionally draining and cruel.
Also he will probably be detatched from the break up by the sounds of things.
Time to think of you x

Everything you just said! He always harped on about 'confidence issues' I wondered if they were ever attention seeking.

He used to always get abnormally uptight and not reason ...

He treated me different at home than out. But he could also be very loving and caring. But not backed up by actions for any length if time.

He's just detached from reality. He is quite bratty and immature and if he doesn't get his own way he lashes out- always throwing something. Or he dies the ultimate coward cop out and runs away.

It's funny. My parent perhaps had an inkling something was wrong. But never this.

After the MIL Christmas Day debacle Boxing Day was hard. And he would split the blame between her and h. To contextualise if they were at my parents and MIL bang out of order . I suggested he, as the son have a quiet word. She blew up, they had a huge argument at my parents whilst we all stayed away. Mortifying. yet he doesn't see that she was BU , he is blinkered by her. Something happened when they were in the car for an hour going back to our house(not parents , my now previous residence!)

He was able to sit down and have lunch with this awful woman ;she has history and he threw her out last Christmas!! He told me not to come home to my house that night - even though she left.

My point is it was always my fault! Posted to early above

... He was in a terrible mood that night and the following. Saying we were over, I too was a manipulative bitch and I engineered the situation!!

He was awful again on 28th and shirty on phone and even he came home, again storming out ! Saying it was me!

He argued then told me to fuck off out of the house ( he always says that). I cracked. I had seen my parents through the day and out on a show. As usual. I called them and admitted everything,

Because everything wouldn't fit in my car, and because if was his scores wish, even though I didn't want it, not did I want my parents to come up, they insisted. They had heard dribs and drabs about it, but never how serious, until then.

When they arrives he had come back from storming out and I think he was in shock. He was cold and heartless and rude and when my mother asked what his behaviour was about he blames my parents for not telling him about MIL behaviour. Always looking for some ken else to blane

Awful spelling (auto correct) but you get the idea

amillionyears Sun 30-Dec-12 22:22:46

He sounds confused. And blinkered. And probably has some of her characteristics as well. And has probably been fed some wrong information by her. Also, his only family is his mother.
That actually may be quite relevant. Has it always been just the 2 of them.
Sounds like the relationship is quite stifling.

Also he is 34. Dont think he is ever going to quite escape his mothers clutches. They may be quite emotionally dependent on each other.
I know of a mother and daughter a bit like this. Although there are other relations, the daughter is quite terrified that the mum will die, and she will be left alone as she sees it.

Yes, yes and yes!

I don't know if he was ever capable of normal love

The father died 4 years ago. But she knows how to manipulate men, tried that one on my father!

olympicvibes Sun 30-Dec-12 22:26:46

Not surprised. I really want you to know that you will be fine. I know you will. You can't rationalise behaviour like that but it's obvious from your posts that you have all you need to get through all this. It will take time and you have to be strong.
Make a list of what you want. You need a goal now..little or big as long as achievable. Agree with others about doing other things too- halts the over and over-analysing. Just remember how far you have come in the last few days! Really well done

Thanks , olympic

The mind does love a rose tinted glasses thought or 10 at times like these!

olympicvibes Sun 30-Dec-12 22:42:44

Yes it does (rose ti.ted thoughts) and that is understandable. I think its pretty much what I did before going back to him or actually chasing him! What was it all about?! Just had zero confidence left and was completely drained. Honestly, it is all a huge learning experience that you will never ever repeat again.
Sorry to sound all know it all and pain in the arse like but you have to eat something soon if you havent already!!

olympicvibes Sun 30-Dec-12 22:47:16

Maybe cuppasoup?! Hope you get some sleep tonight too.

Oh yes, it's been awful. Everything's reminding me of us falling in love, the good bits.

I still haven't eaten but I've laughed my first laugh in days ...

I think I could, am drained now!

Jellykat Sun 30-Dec-12 22:48:44

May i make a suggestion Chaos..

I'm 4 months down the line from you, but whenever my mind started thinking of 'good times' (sic) with my XP, i would read a list of the major problems and things he had done, that i carried with me.. it helped to eliminate any rose tints wanderings, and kept my feet on solid ground.

Could you write a few of the negative things down, and keep it with you, it can really help.

Yes I'll try that, won't be easy

dequoisagitil Sun 30-Dec-12 23:03:39

You've got a start with your first post:

Grew into aggressive, ill tempered and sometimes emotional abuser. It progressed into pushing me, bruises to boot etc. Yet after all this I didn't have the courage to leave. After a horrendous Christmas with MIL and my parents I cracked and told parents extent. Last night they helped me remove everything from our home together. His reaction was empty, infact he ran away.

Expand on this. Think about all the times he failed to live up to his promises, the pushing, the bruises, the emotional abuse. Write down some of those incidents, the little ones, the bigger ones.

Jellykat Sun 30-Dec-12 23:19:51

Another thing i found is that i had things i felt i still needed to say, but because i knew there was no point in saying any of it, and to do so would mean engaging with him, they regurgitated around and around in my head.. If i wrote them down too, in a notebook, i could stop thinking about them. IYSWIM

You can see this through, you're stronger then you've been made to think you are Chaos.

Thank you, it's so difficult to reason with him as he never sees the fault in his own actions.

Yet again I can't sleep but somehow I feel better tonight. I have started reliving some things in my head; the good, and inter twining these thoughts with how something bad always preceded.

I don't want to hate him, am not a hateful character. I have love for him and I hope for him that he acknowledges his behaviour and that he can have a happy life. He was, in the beginning, the love of my life. He grew into someone I became tearful of and someone who as seconds away from bring my darling boyfriend to in a deep rage and to someone I didn't recognise at all.

Admitting everything has been so hard. Warring with myself and others about the troubles and what was right and what wasn't hurts. I feel a need to defend in some ways his good side. But it was just that, a side.

I have stopped crying now. Tonight will be extremely hard. My life with him couldn't have sustained.

tribpot Mon 31-Dec-12 08:07:55

You don't have to have hate for him but you have to have a stronger love for your own self than you do for his lame poor-me-I-have-demons routine. Hate may be a shorter route to get you to that place.

I think so! I never want to ever feel as low as I have done again.

Jellykat Mon 31-Dec-12 15:25:58

Chaos - be honest sweetheart, did you manage to stand firm, or did you meet him today?

I met him. I am glad I did

We went for a walk.

Allergictoironing Mon 31-Dec-12 15:41:42

Chaos sweetie PLEASE tell me that you aren't even thinking about going back to this physical and emotional abuser?

amillionyears Mon 31-Dec-12 15:42:33


No. Am not.

I felt u couldn't accept things the way they turned our. We met in neutral ground, swapped stuff and went for a walk.

It is a beautiful afternoon and we strolled along and just talked honestly about his behaviour and temper, which he has agreed to address. We spoke about how I felt my life had become a drudge and that we didn't do enough together. I spoke about honestly how difficult I'd found Jekyll and Hyde, the change in him and about the honest love I still have.

He hugged me, held my hand (odd) and we seemed to make peace with the situation.

I'll never go back , but I feel some good has come out of it if he may address these issues. At the end of the day, despite everything, I love him and want the best for him. As incredulous as it may sound

He's definitely coping better than me

Allergictoironing Mon 31-Dec-12 16:00:44

He is probably coping better than you because he doesn't love you as much as you love him - if he did, he wouldn't have treated you like he did.

Wanting the best for him (which may not be the same as what he wants) is a fair and good thing to wish for, vengence is rarely as sweet as we imagine it will be.

Hang in there girl, remember the times he's been nice before then back to nasty, and re-read this thread if you start wavering. But you do seem to be very determined now that you won't smile

That's just it. Time will tell.

It's hard with the mutual friends too. I hope j don't break at midnight. I still crave him even though there's no return

Am just at a loss without him! Why are my heart strings like this, I feel pathetic!

Him being there comforted me so much. I feel am in a better place for it. This all feels so wrong?

amillionyears Mon 31-Dec-12 16:14:41

Well at least you know there is no return.
<why dont I quite believe it?>

Of course he is coping better than you!
He doesnt love or even like you anywhere near the same as you do to him.

You have got to build a new life without him.
Do you have plans about that?

Jellykat Mon 31-Dec-12 16:15:36

I really don't mean to be patronising Chaos, but sometimes they're experts at saying what they think you want to hear.

He's left you today with promises of addressing his issues and cosy hand holding. In other words a gentle rosy memory to remember.. it's dangerous territory.

If you do weaken at midnight (he wont be in the same place as you i hope) some of us will be here..

amillionyears Mon 31-Dec-12 16:15:44

What if wants your help to rebuild him.
What then?
His mum is manipulative. He is probably too.
He may use that to get you back.

amillionyears Mon 31-Dec-12 16:17:15

You have taken the first step back.

Allergictoironing Mon 31-Dec-12 16:18:43

Try doing what I do on NYE - watch a good film, then go to bed early with a sleeping aid & ignore the whole bloody thing about it being New Year.

If you were at the angry stage, or at least less sad, then it's a good time to look forward at how good life is going to be without the abuse. But you're still grieving & miserable, so it may be a subject to avoid altogether otherwise you are likely to mope even more.

I can't go back and I know that.

I love him and I see that be feels he's made a mistake by his behaviour today. Yet he's still rejected me, and is continuing to do.

I feel low about feeling so high when I saw him. He's like a drug and I need more. I waited so long to meet someone like the old him. He knew all my history and he was my ever after. Or so I thought.

Re plans am still in shock and have no idea what to do. It's all so alien.

He's not here tonight, no. He's at mutual friends. Where am supposed to be.

I feel like breaking again! I could smile and laugh and feel peace when with him , why why why

I just wish he hadn't turned into who he is. And I can't change who he is.

I see elements of my old, handsome, and loving man.

I miss what we had

amillionyears I feel like making the peace has helped me accept his decision

amillionyears Mon 31-Dec-12 16:22:58

When you meet him, you are not being with the old him.

amillionyears Mon 31-Dec-12 16:23:49

Good I think.

I know , and it hurts knowing that. I felt me finally being honest with him about how I felt gave me some peace

tribpot Mon 31-Dec-12 16:24:39

He didn't turn into the person you left. He always was that person but disguised it at first to reel you in. That's why you were asked above if he had always had 'anger management' issues but mysteriously it seems he didn't in the first four months of your relationship. Can't imagine why that would be ...

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 31-Dec-12 16:24:59

" love him and I see that be feels he's made a mistake by his behaviour today"

Please don't be a mug. He's said the right things, got you feeling sorry for him and now you think he's made a mistake??? Utter bollocks. I guarantee he won't be alone tonight when the clock chimes twelve. He'll have heaved a sigh of relief that he has extricated himself, come up smelling of roses and he won't think he has made a mistake in the slightest.

The cruellest part is that, even now, even after all the abuse, you persist in believing his 'poor me' line of crap. You should have gone to that meeting with a carving knife and used it.....

Allergictoironing Mon 31-Dec-12 16:28:45

Read the wise words of Jellykat just above this - he knows exactly how to manipulate you and has done it again.

he feels he's made a mistake by his behaviour today - yes he made a mistake, that mistake being he pushed you that tiny bit too far the other day when you finally left him. Remember how long it lasts each time when he's nice, then how he behaves after that. Remember how who as seconds away from bring my darling boyfriend to in a deep rage and to someone I didn't recognise at all. Keep reading this thread.....

amillionyears Mon 31-Dec-12 16:29:07

Cogito shock

tribpot, you could be right. Probably are.

dequoisagitil Mon 31-Dec-12 16:32:20

If he snapped his fingers you'd go running back. [sigh]

I really want to shake some sense into you. He hurt you, he bruised you, he bullied you. He is not and was never your happy ever after.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 31-Dec-12 16:37:49

OK maybe not a carving knife.... Seriously, just how bad does someone have to fuck you over before you get angry enough to kick him in the nuts OP rather than getting all misty-eyed about how good it is that they held your hand and aired their 'issues'?


Jellykat Mon 31-Dec-12 16:53:16

Woah there Cogito - It's not as simple as that in many many abusive relationships..

On average it takes 5 attempts to leave.

Please don't treat Chaos as though she's being dim, she's fighting a battle which many many people fight and have fought, myself included, and i'm nearly twice her age.
It's really not as simple as just shutting a door and walking away, Chaos is being honest here and is struggling, its such early days, give her some credit please.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 31-Dec-12 17:06:51

Woah there Jellykat. I'm not accusing Chaos of being dim in the slightest. I've given plenty of 'credit', support and advice up thread.... now I'm encouraging her to get angry. Something that is still missing so far.

Jellykat Mon 31-Dec-12 17:15:13

That's how its coming across though Cogito, its reading in an aggressive way..

Chaos will be angry in time no doubt, but you can't really push for that IMO, it's only been 3 days.

maleview70 Mon 31-Dec-12 17:17:02

Picture the bruises.....picture the abuse....picture a the life your children would have being scared of upsetting anyone for fear of their dad beating their mum up.

You have had a very lucky escape. The good thing is it doesn't look like he is trying to reel you back in because he didn't bother trying today and if you were giving off vibes that you are giving on here then I don't think it would have taken much.

He will be with someone else before you know it. These types of men know all the lines and so many women fall for it.

New you!!

Remember your dad always knows best becuse he is a bloke and thinks like a bloke. A bloke knows a dickhead when they see one. Sometimes women don't or choose not to.

Dont let your dad down, your family down and more importantly yourself down by wasting more time contacting Mr Abuser. Cry, wallow, do whatever it takes but cut all contact....

OverlyYappyAlways Mon 31-Dec-12 17:28:36

Took me a good while tbh! It's hard to leave, your head can be proper messy turning a bastard into a nice guy when they nice for 20 minutes..., you need fire in your tummy, can you go find this? It helps lots!

Can you get to a counseller soon? Freedom programme if with or without abusive person? I swear I grew balls overnight and all angry

It was a bit late as I had left but it keeps me away, I detest him now, can read him like a book! Very helpful for the future also.

amillionyears Mon 31-Dec-12 18:09:36

Are you ok Chaos?

SoleSource Mon 31-Dec-12 18:15:53

I know how it feels and I agree with jellykat

This tbread is helping me too chaos. I am so relieved you posted.

We're here always xx

Right ladies. 2 gins later on an empty stomach and I've found my anger I needed to find.

1. I've lost sight of who I am whilst with him
2. I love him but if he feels the same he hasn't demonstrated it
3. I am allowing myself to lose dignity by continually reminding him how good it was and purposely not mentioning so much the bad
4. I am only focusing on him and not myself. Of course I care he gets help, but I am forgetting I am not eating and sleeping, I am crying and suffering
5. Mutual friend told me how he's coming over this evening and cooking dinner etc and is ''calm and collected and getting on with things"
6. I am not a heartless person and I have demonstrates considerable weakness here. I have allowed myself to care so much for someone who frankly is not showing in his actions that he feels the same

I don't have a clue what the future holds, but I know the only way is up from here.

I am compartmentalising my feelings now and will let him really know what life is like without me. As our mutual friend said, I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He can now experience life without me, my cooking, cleaning and love. His inability to acknowledge the problem lies with himself may well leave him lonely a long time. Remarkably similar situation with his ex. When will he learn?

Am not pretending this is easy for me, it's hell but I now have to learn and not lose any more grace.

i love gin

Happy new year all, and thank you.

I should add to the people who have continually posted that you have been a lifeline. You've read where I've been weak and you've pushed for my honesty, the honesty I struggle to admit to those in RL.

I had to see this for what it is. This would never have ended well.

I will meet someone else in time and I'll ensure I don't make the same mistakes. To all of you out there in a similar situation , it's doable !!! Please join me in this unknown territory and begin the new year free from those who aren't capable of true love. We owe it to ourselves.

This is my 4th day of shit and its been 4 days too long. Am not saying there is a timeframe for this, but learn from my mistakes.

solesource so sorry you're going through this too. I hand jo good advice, am just going through the motions. Be honest with yourself first and tell someone. Once I saw the reaction I knew I couldn't patch it up any longer. You can do this too.

dequoisagitil Mon 31-Dec-12 18:51:40

Happy new year.

It's still all about him, 'though, isn't it? He can only help himself, you (or anyone else) can't do it for him.

What do you want out of life? (But a clue by four - he can't give it to you). Make your life more than about a relationship. Make some resolutions for yourself smile.

Yes , my post was about him but I've realised that, and am parking it right now

I have a tenancy to forget myself in all of this and that stops now

Honestly, I have no idea about my ideals for the next few weeks! I will keep busy and enjoy the incredible support I have had

OverlyYappyAlways Mon 31-Dec-12 19:10:10

It's gonna take a bit longer than 4 days but for four days you're doing fantastic.

Any thoughts on blocking him completely for a while or is that too much? I had to block mine completely, took 1.5 years, I believed a lot of his nonsense within that time frame, it's good to step back for a while.

amillionyears Mon 31-Dec-12 19:13:55

Hurrah hurrah hurrah Chaos
Well done!

dequoisagitil Mon 31-Dec-12 19:15:28

Attagirl smile

Blocked completely? Fucking done!!!!! I have my shit and my money, and apparently not very eloquent language!!!

Jellykat Mon 31-Dec-12 19:28:28

wine Heres to you Chaos wine smile

SoleSource Mon 31-Dec-12 19:32:30

Happened to me bht long time ago but you are helping me fathom my feelings, you are so clever and clear xxx you will be just.fine eventually xx

Well I've realised that it makes fools out of a lot of us and that abuse is a serious, serious thing.

I never thought it could happen to me. And I never admitted until a few days ago it had.

The good times I can now see were only round the corner from the bad. Horrendous!

SoleSource Mon 31-Dec-12 19:41:53

Never, ever go back

never am sitting in my room at parents admiring my 18 year old self.. And somehow it doesn't all seem so bad!!!!

I have something that he is incapable of showing, and that's real love.

Am not sorry for being who I was with him, am just sorry that he could be never appreciate and give me that back.

He'll never get the opportunity to do this to me again. It's funny when look back at the past couple of years and how we came about.

We need to create a whole new word for over!

SoleSource Mon 31-Dec-12 19:51:37

Are you 18 or looking at photos?

Ha ha no, not 18! Just all my furniture, photos on the wall and bed linen are from a relatively carefree time.

It's comforting! My parents never let us sleep in same bed at theirs so at least he's not in this room!

SoleSource Mon 31-Dec-12 19:55:54

Your mind/emotions will be changing day to day. The freedom programme is something I need to do. I wonder what it actuallyrntails. Have you tjought about therapy? Bedt 40 a week I spent.

Come find,/joinis on tbe swrary thread.

Anything goes.

Have a good swear, moan, talk about you/him, make new intetweb mates.

Join if you dare???

SoleSource Mon 31-Dec-12 19:56:53

Oh hes tneghost of him..will be there domewhere where you dwell.

We shall fuck


You know the bastard even had the ordass to state I had a chipped nail and I'd have to fix that for tonight! How dare he! Of course i had a chipped nail! I've not exactly been on cloud fucking 9 worrying about a manicure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SoleSource Mon 31-Dec-12 20:03:15

Prick cuntgt

What else?


Not thought about therapy. It was recommended to me some years ago after I had a bad car accident about getting back into car etc. if sm honest I didn't feel it helped me, I have a pretty sarcastic mind and wouldn't rand if seriously enough. I couldn't look st things different written down. I tend to grieve for things for so long then have a eureka moment! I think I've had my moment and realised enough is enough with the tears and punishment

Curse the day he was born!!!

OverlyYappyAlways Mon 31-Dec-12 20:06:04

Yeah come to the swear safe place noone looks there, I have an abusive exbastard such a bastard he cannot just be an ex those 2 letters make him resemble.. a normal X....

I am even touching my toes into a weird dating thing and my head is all fluffy and confused... progress imo, getting fluffy over any man!

Sole get your arse to that Freedom Programme, I cannot express the help my support worker and programmes and other females have given me those guys make me bordering on fluffy also...

SoleSource Mon 31-Dec-12 20:06:43

Depends on tbe therapist. Mine was upper middle class, serious, old school. Very good. Try again. First session always free, if not don't go.

SoleSource Mon 31-Dec-12 20:07:57

Chaos come to sweary

Feel ok

Read yappys posts lol

Love you yappy xxxx

OverlyYappyAlways Mon 31-Dec-12 20:09:32

Atta girl get all angry and fire in your tummy!

Bad move abusing and pushing.... not good, good men do not do this! They choose not to!

I have 2 books I think, and you do can the course from home,PM your details I will send you one if you want, Sole you have my other ones, its a bit dirty though and been wet via my car windows etc etc... blush Once everyone goes back to opening shops on a daily basis!

What's the freedom programme?

yappy thanks for your kind words, I am quite new, and don't know how to PM, help!!!

OverlyYappyAlways Mon 31-Dec-12 21:12:36

It's through Womens Aid but you can do it from home, I was offered this as I a bit difficult to get out of the house now, I did it from home but was too tricky for me, I went off out and done it in a group and I totally listened and took this book in.

I shall Pm you tomorrow I need to pretend to go sleep as my DS2 keeps making tents, trapping cats and running around my head... its getting a little bit annoying now!

Dear Chaos. I am recently separated after many years marriage. I feel your pain, and everything you feel. Some days I can hardly move or breathe for the ache. I cant seem to summon up all the crap stuff about how he was at the end, am yearning for the happy times - made me cry when you said 'see him, smell him and kiss him'. And you ARE in mourning, but it will get better - and someone will love you as you deserve to be loved. Take care

Jellykat Mon 31-Dec-12 21:34:11

I did the freedom programme, it was amazing meeting other women who had been through the same as me. Much laughter, some tears, much support and met some brilliant women - all confidential of course for safety, so a lot of respect and trust in place..

I then went on to do 'The Recovery toolkit' programme (still with Womens Aid)
which was about us as individuals (not our abusers), it included info about assertiveness, boundaries and self esteem. It was an incredible experience!

The Freedom Prog. is a rollover programme, usually one morning/afternoon a week (think its @ 9 weeks?), the Recovery toolkit is the same but 12 weeks long. I shall never forget what i learnt. You get a lot of printed handouts to keep for future reference.

Chaos if you ring WA, you can find out where your nearest is, and when the next batch of sessions start, its all free.

Allergictoironing Mon 31-Dec-12 23:00:46

Oh my I need to go out for a few hours more often - I come home to find Chaos has turned the corner into angry Chaos! Yay congrats hun, you sound a LOT happier grin

Thank you everyone. Had a non descript happy ny message that said just that.

It's pathetic, he's round at mutual friends, managed to get his shit together pretty quick, do the shop and has had one or ten and happy new year is the best he can manage, at 12.25?! Mutual friend managed a text at midnight. It's been an eye opener to his priorities!!!

I am still not eating, although am trying. Still struggling to sleep, but today has brought me acceptance and peace. I have had a whole 2 gins and spent it with family and honestly? Even though I cried, it's been the best new year yet. The words I've heard from those around me have been of great comfort, including all those on MN.

Am not going to text back, it doesn't merit a response. This is who he is and I deserve more!

Happy new year!!!!

I feel a bit bugged that he's managed to 'just get on with it', but I know I've grieved for it properly and can now begin the process (which I hope is not too long!!!) of the next journey. Without him.

Bye bye so called mr perfect, you ain't all that

amillionyears Tue 01-Jan-13 07:05:12

Yeah, go Chaos!
Happy New Year.

Thanks amillionyears can't believe everything that's happened still, but the show must go on

OverlyYappyAlways Tue 01-Jan-13 13:09:26

Happy New Year Chaos onwards and upwards!

SoleSource Tue 01-Jan-13 13:12:20

Happy New Year you fab woman xxx

Are we doing this freedom programme then Chaos? I'm going to look into it with view to booking, very soon. Are you? If so maybe if OK with you we could support each other?

SoleSource Tue 01-Jan-13 13:24:44

Just a maybe because we may not need to support each other or might be too much.

Yeah, am thinking about it. Only problem I see is the time commitment, my job is very demanding.

We can get through this

SoleSource Tue 01-Jan-13 13:40:10

Yes, there could be an online course. We shall research this soon.

Oh no the tears are back, am reminded of him everywhere.

I won't contact him but I am missing his smell all over again. I thought I was through the worst.

Why why why

SoleSource Tue 01-Jan-13 15:09:59

Chaos, your reaction is normal. Totally. You are used to him. Craving what we do not need or want when we are used to that behaviour and our reactions/coping with it on a daily basis is normal withdrawal. This shall go on for some time. You are honest, healthy and worth reeducating yourself about romantic relationships and what you tolerate.

Freedom programme.

Or yappy and I will nag, nag, nag, nag

Keep posting

You need us, I/we needyou x

OverlyYappyAlways Tue 01-Jan-13 15:15:32

Oh no whats went wrong will read lots!!!

Before I do its fine!! I am doing all this shit today also, I went to bed all fluffy woke up dumped a fluffy man twice just incase 1st time he missed it or something sad confused [argh]

Thanks sole am just constantly reminded of him. We were so perfect in the beginning.

We had so much and he did this to me. I can't get over that he's done it to me.

I love and miss someone who's hurt me more than anyone.

OverlyYappyAlways Tue 01-Jan-13 15:19:41

Nojob excuses... I had lots of people with job on my course its only 3ish hours per morning once per week! All nice people....

I kept my ex's pillow cover until October, then I set it alight! I missed his smell also...Okay sorry I need to swear now!

You are grieving for a bastard, it's normal, I lived with one for 16 years, of course I hate him and all but he was my life, my once future, my boys dad and many other things I built him up to be...

Cry and talk it ALL OUT IT'S NORMAL! oops! Normal All bloody heart-breaking normal, you guys need to get to a course please! I will get up soon off couch and go see where all my books are, I need one though, for future fluffy feelings!

OverlyYappyAlways Tue 01-Jan-13 15:20:33

Oh Chaos I totally get what you are feeling right now, he made the wrong choices though.

I know he did , and I know I deserve more. It's just a bitter pill to swallow.

He did turn into a vile tempered monster, so different from the one I fell in love with. I kept looking for that man again. The man he really was was the tempered man.

I should have looked closer to the family. His mother was a wicked woman, manipulative, and only wanted him to herself. He was so drawn to this toxic relationship and I feel I would always come second to that.

He would get so irrationally stressed at work and angry. Had so much self doubt and confidence in himself and I think he took that our on me, wearing me down. Whether he meant it or not.

Currently dreaming of what it's like to be treated right, and how it should be.

SoleSource Tue 01-Jan-13 18:55:39

Sorry wasn't here Chaos. I have read and totally understood. He can't love you as he has too many.issues deep inside himself you cannot cure. Ever. You seem so clever and lovely. A woman like you will get over that kind of person. It's impossible for you not to. I sense it. Keep posting, pm ms, just keep believing we care, we are here xxxxx you are not alone.

Where are you AnyFucker??

Thanks sole love doesn't half make fools of us all

I am now listening to music (not been able to focus on tv since it happened) which am feeling is helping

It doesn't help am quite a logic person who likes clear cut answers. It's accepting am not going to get one that's the hardest.

It's funny, when previous relationships have ended I've sworn to never see or speak to them again. I've meant it and stood by it. They haven't always been on bad, bad terms, I just felt it was easier for a clean break.

Somehow he has felt different? Perhaps because we had a home together, lots of close mutual friends and we had actively discussed marriage and children. I suppose I believed I had it made otherwise and accepted the bad because of it.

Ever heard the Angie Stone sing 'wish I didn't miss you anymore' that's me now!!!!!!

JustFabulous Tue 01-Jan-13 19:28:59

I think it is okay to still be feeling heartbroken and like you want to cry lots. It has only been days!

IME if you tell yourself you are over someone when you aren't it only makes it harder and longer to actually get over them.

It hurts so much because you loved so much.

If you didn't care you wouldn't hurt.

Thanks fabulous am really trying not to pick up the phone

All I want is to hear his voice ...

But he just sounds so not like 'him'. So so sad.

My poor dog hasn't left my side, he knows am not good

I can't phone after his shitty new year message, can I? sad

And even if I rant and say his dare you text me that message etc etc am so hurt etc etc all he does is hang up as always, then he has the upper hand again

Hesterton Tue 01-Jan-13 19:41:46

Call a friend Chaos, someone you trust. It sounds like you need to talk to someone (not him).

I have done over and over. But it doesn't help my feelings of want for him. They're irrational. Why can I not be really mad ??

Hesterton Tue 01-Jan-13 19:45:46

You recognise them as irrational. Most of us who have been where you are felt like this, it's just part of the shit you have to work through. Believe me it is so goo when you get through it but you can't speed up the process much.

Keeping you dignity is great though. Not that I did much!

I haven't so far but I've been determined after seeing the coldness of that message that there's nothing else for it

I am heartbroken and destroyed by love

Hesterton Tue 01-Jan-13 19:46:59

Life after them really is better, you just have to weather the crappy bits first. It's like a physical pain isn't it.

It hurts so bad. It's the rejection too, like am not attractive, there's something wrong with me, there's someone else. The mind is a dangerous thing

JustFabulous Tue 01-Jan-13 19:50:31

Don't phone him, don't text.

He will hurt you.

If he grows up and realises what he has done and what he has lost, and wants to come back, you will know because it is genuine, and not because you begged, showed weakness, or other stupid things some people have done.

By then you will be so over him it will be Twat Who?

I'll never have him in my life again. He's deystroyed the best in me.

For now.

SoleSource Tue 01-Jan-13 19:55:41

This text may hsve been a 'send to multiple contacts' text. He hasn't deleted your number so you were in receipt of that?

Keep your dognity.

Do not call
If possible do not answer his xall. Text if about petsonal belongings etc

You won't regret this.

Speaking to him will not change what he was or whom he is or the future with you.

You are a highly intelligent woman. Better than he. You know how to give people respect. You know what he did was disrespecting your core, soul,mind and resoect for him.

Have you bought your freedom programme book on your phone/kindle?

Hesterton Tue 01-Jan-13 19:58:09

I'm 50, overweight and not very conventionally attractive, really I thought like you (not helped by him saying how sorry he felt for me if poor OW, attractive as she was, had to find someone wh was married because of the drastic shortage of single men... hmm

I spent quite a few years after the split (at 40) just getting over all the damage done. Then when I was mostly over it after a few years (thanks to some wonderful flings on the way where I called the shots, some great explorations of self around interests, arts, reading, music, walking) I met this amazing man who treats me with so much respect and integrity. I never thought it possible to feel so whole in a relationship.

You have to heal yourself now, it takes time, and part of that is learning how to like yourself enough to think - believe - you genuinely deserve better than the fool he is.

SoleSource Tue 01-Jan-13 20:02:47

Hestrryon gawd that was his excuse, shortage of men? F.hell shock

I love a happy ending Hesterton. smile for you both x

Hesterton what do you.think about the text he sent to Chaos?

SoleSource Tue 01-Jan-13 20:03:54

Learn to love you Chaos. It is a long painful process. Be single for a while.

OverlyYappyAlways Tue 01-Jan-13 20:04:24

It's a horrid situation at a horrid time Chaos! My X is trying to look for me, now... I even thought of him at Xmas in a fluffy way, he is not fluffy or even nice!

This will be up there witjh one of the most difficult things in life imo! Make the horrid men horrid men.... it's difficult it you have 6 good memories...

I think Anyfucker is pissed off with trolls tbh! COME BACK PLEASE!!!! I have no words...

I have done the whole music thing today too, anything to get past today tbh!! If you hit messages poster ad pm your address I promise not to drink anymore from tomorrow.... Honestly I detest NYear for no reason at all ...other than things being on your mind!

That fluffy feeling last night... that's gone I destroyed it with one text this morning. confused

You okay choas?

OverlyYappyAlways Tue 01-Jan-13 20:06:52

He has only destroyed just now... wewill get some fire in that tummy and some angry going on... soon! I was even going to give my ex the delight of a hang up call erm.. last week.... those guys are like nits, they crawl under your skin and erm.. stay!! You can wash and wash the hair but they have already moved onto sucking the blood do you feel stuck, you are not, you need better nit shampoo and a comb, ....
OMg that makes no sense....

Hesterton Tue 01-Jan-13 20:06:56

He's detaching from his emotions because he can't cope with them. He's a twat, probably with no self-awareness of what he's done. Not long after we split, a friend saw my ex in a pub with OW. How's Hesterton and the DC? she asked. Oh they're fine he merrily answered. No we bloody well weren't, we were a broken mess. That he believed it was the shittiest thing. That's what this text reminded me of.

sole it had my name in it. Wasn't a multiple but for supposedly being so personal, it was so cold. Who is the freedom programme by?

hesterton I knew who I was before him. I feel I invested so much into it that am empty now, and lost sight of the person pre-him

I wish I'd listened to my dad from day 1.....

SoleSource Tue 01-Jan-13 20:09:01

Women's Aid Chaos.


Hesterton Tue 01-Jan-13 20:09:09

You'll find and love yourself again, even more this time because you will have so much self respect from being able to get away from him.

JustFabulous Tue 01-Jan-13 20:09:34

Definitely keep your dognitity as he will never let you down.

Hesterton Tue 01-Jan-13 20:10:03

You can do/be anything you like now.

hesterton YES!!!!! He can't cope with his emotions. He's acting like all of this is ok. It's not ok for a 34 year old man, it's just not

He's clearly a confused individual with issues. I don't know what my expectations were from the text??? I suppose I just wanted honesty from him. He has to care somewhere, he just has to. But he either can't show it or he doesn't. It's easier believing the latter.

hesterton am so happy for you!!!

JustFabulous Tue 01-Jan-13 20:12:12

sorry, got carried away with it'ss there

Where have all the good men gone?!!

Hesterton Tue 01-Jan-13 20:13:46

There are lots of good men, but they have to be fucking marvellous to be good enough for you, so be picky!

I was! Grrrr!!!!!

It wasn't supposed to be this way sad

I truly wish I had never met him

Hesterton Tue 01-Jan-13 20:18:30

You might at some point be able to pick out the good things about the relationship and recognise it wasn't all rubbish. I get on ok with my ex now, and I really like his (third!) wife.

The thing that saved me was going to counselling straight after with the expressed purpose of making sure I was armed to say fuck off when he crawled back. Which he did, and I did say it! It seems such a long time ago now.

SoleSource Tue 01-Jan-13 20:20:55

I cannot copy and paste but trying tbis Chaos

Look for Living with a dominator by Pat Craven. There is also a home study book to accompany this.

Order it ifyou can or try Amazon smile

Little steps Chaos

Ok what I would say if I did text, cos can't ;

'Hello. I got your text and didn't feel compelled to reply. You've forgotten about my feelings and us , and the coldness is clear. I have been dumbfounded by your actions in what is already a difficult time. I am disappointed in the person you are today, and miss the person I chose to love and have a life with. I am humiliated, rejected and utterly despondent that you could make love to me in the morning. Because of all this I wod rather forget you. You aren't the person I thought you were '

JustFabulous Tue 01-Jan-13 20:23:57

Please don't send that.

He will either ignore it and you will feel crap or he will respond and you will feel crap.

And what I really feel ' I love you so much and miss you, us, cuddles, our home and the closeness we once had. Stop pushing me away because if external factors. Realise that I've stood by you and chosen to love you unconditionally. Lets forget this'

Ok above will never be sent, or happen, but a large part of me feels it. Are I pathetic and desperate?

Oh no fsbulous am not sending them!! Listing them here to let it all out!!!

Hesterton Tue 01-Jan-13 20:31:56

If you wrote an imaginary text every day - or even every hour - the tone and content would hugely waver from desperate, furious, pleading, explosive, wheadling, terrifying, heart-broken, livid...

You will feel all these things for a while yet. Just give yourself time and space - why not start a notebook of 'texts I never sent'. It could be therapeutic!

Oh seeing it written down will be worse!!!

Am beginning to panic about work

Hesterton Tue 01-Jan-13 20:40:09

When do you go back?

JustFabulous Tue 01-Jan-13 20:41:20

What is making you panic? Work through each issue and someone will come up with solutions.

Thursday. 2 hours there, 2 back from here. I know am not in a mindset to get a place by myself just yet, I need the love and support i have here. But it's going to be physically and mentally draining

Reading the freedom programme now. He is a bully and a persuader

SoleSource Tue 01-Jan-13 21:45:34

Where did you get it Chaos? smile

'One day you'll wake up and see him as be really is - where you saw an Adonis, you'll see a selfish child, where you'll see a prince you'll see a FROG...'

this quote is saving me just now


*where you saw a prince

OverlyYappyAlways Tue 01-Jan-13 21:54:55

Oh good you have my bible... I seem to have misplaced 1 or 2!

Keep reading..... and take it all in please, I seem to have hidden mines ... it will turn up!

OverlyYappyAlways Tue 01-Jan-13 21:58:06

I need to find my book!

I remember that line.....

amillionyears Tue 01-Jan-13 22:02:04

Basically you loved part of a man.
But part of a man is not enough for me.
And I dont think, and hope, it is not enough for you either.

OverlyYappyAlways Tue 01-Jan-13 22:02:27

I have my bible again.. everything makes sense almost again!

I crassy posted back last week.... I am sorry, it was not meant for here, I was too blush to apologise, I am sorry though, that was terrible bad timing/wrong thread.... and I feel awful now!

Glad you have found the book though!

OverlyYappyAlways Tue 01-Jan-13 22:04:32

It's never enough tbh... Mine was a few in the book (okay all)

I did not accept it and hid the book. I hid the wrong items/book/person...

Got there though! It's better I promise!

Best of luck op back soon... detest this time of year!

SoleSource Tue 01-Jan-13 22:24:10

Chaos whom is the authors of the book please?

Glad you lking what you are learning so far ...

OverlyYappyAlways Tue 01-Jan-13 22:27:31

sole its Pat Craven... pm your address you ca this copy I have found mine... will be with your as soon as normal life resumes... well post office opens!

OverlyYappyAlways Tue 01-Jan-13 22:27:55

I keep dropping my words....

can and have

Thanks yappy!

SoleSource Tue 01-Jan-13 23:31:22

Chaos smile

Can you share any insight from that book please? I am impatient to receive my copy smile

Hello! Well it splits into key characteristics ; the bully, the persuader, the head worker, the jailer, the liar and so on,

It goes onto list the key characteristics, and now that makes us feel. It explores some of the deeper understanding that we struggle with; the how, why, our appeasement for an 'easy life' and so on.

It has helped me identify him as a bully and a persuader; someone who loses the rag, intimidates, and then someone who cries the next day.

SoleSource Tue 01-Jan-13 23:45:39

Ooh gosh. I think my ex was bully, persuader and a massive relentless liar!!

olympicvibes Wed 02-Jan-13 00:44:41

Hey chaos, haven't forgotten you. Just calling in to say hello and let you know been thinking of you. You have amazing support on here! So pleased you are not alone.

This year will be all about you!

Thanks Olympic! It's still a bit scary but last night I dreamt about me telling people in everyday situations about how it's over. Ie at hairdresser

I feel this is really great as my mind and subconscious are accepting it

olympicvibes Wed 02-Jan-13 11:54:47

Definitely- your mind is starting to process the situation and reading through the thread I could see you have started to have eureka moments.
Its normal to be bewildered by your own emotions: how they can change or how many different emotions you feel . It's as if they have all been tangled up and you have to work out which ones belong to you and which ones were brought about because of his actions-reactions from you which either protected you in some way at the time (like denial) or were due to frustrations ( when you had had enough of his coldness or total absence emotionally). Then you have to work through them and it won't be overnight. But that diesnt mean it will be a long time either. You're only 26- you have so much to look forward to..This is about little steps at a time now and then whatever you want to do for the rest of your life! You are free from his guilt tripping and confusing bullying. There is nothing you need from him!
Maybe arrange to see a good friend or go for a really nice walk with family or your dog. Hopefully your appetite will or has come back too.

Problem! Preg test shows faint blue line!!! Going to try for doc apt tomorrow. Thought I should tell him and he was awful to me, just confirms all I know

Accused me of lying, it being impossible (we used the withdrawal method) , its not!

Token gesture 'ill come with you' - I think it's because he doesn't believe me

What next? Can the test be wrong?

Allergictoironing Wed 02-Jan-13 14:50:44

Withdrawal method & he thinks it's impossible? Ha ha ha ha ha. Renowned as the least reliable method of contraception, even less "safe" than timing it to your cycle. " typically 18% of women using this method become pregnent in a year " - quote from a contraception site. refers to it as "the birth control method that's better than doing nothing" lol.

Ahhh buggar

Allergictoironing Wed 02-Jan-13 14:58:01

Google contraception methods & their reliability Chaos. Half the sites don't even bother to mention it, but I found this one

Allergictoironing Wed 02-Jan-13 14:59:47

Still go to see your GP, I'm no expert on pregnancy (thank goodness) but I gather the results can be affected by what stage you are in your cycle with some people?

Ad maybe send your ex that link?

SoleSource Wed 02-Jan-13 16:06:47

Useless ignorant pig!!!

He is the liar not you!!

Take another test and go to GP/nurse tomorrow?

Keep fignity, don't call him again unless t is definate about pregnancy etc..

I know. Hope it's neg.

Can't believe his attitude. But in a funny way it's helping me, this is who he is!!!

He's not my handsome snug bug man

He's a bastard!!!

SoleSource Wed 02-Jan-13 16:28:09

Well his loss, cold hearted pretender!

Honestly, can't wait to kiss someone someday down the line and say thank you for being a true gentleman

SoleSource Wed 02-Jan-13 16:38:21

Could well happen.

Freedom programme

Been reading today?

Read!!! Read all in a oner.

Bully and persuader. He'll never change

But I will. Ill run at warning flags from now on!

SoleSource Wed 02-Jan-13 16:45:07

Read it all?????

OverlyYappyAlways Wed 02-Jan-13 16:48:44

It's readable in a few hours sole not a big long book just jailer, headworker, bully, liar, badfather, sexual controller, king of castle, jailer, I may have missed some. Oh yeah then examples of how normal men should behave. I have yet to meet a normal man ...

Hope you are okay OP!

Am a fast reader, I proof for work a lot!

The shock is disappearing yappy.. He's a right bleeeep

SoleSource Wed 02-Jan-13 16:52:30

Chaos you are courageous. Reading that. We're here no matter how long it takes for you to realise it wasn't you to blame. You just need to re educate you. As I do.

OverlyYappyAlways Wed 02-Jan-13 16:54:19

It's not nice is it?

I had the dreams too, I dreamt about everything sadly, I have stopped now, unless something happens in my life which involves him, he wont away like a normal person....

So will he be coming to your appointment? Sorry I need to read back

Well sole he 'wants me to let him know' and he will be there

Also said why doesn't he text my parents to tell them too, which is unfair of him until absolutes and shows how spineless he is

He's a bad, bad man. Now I regret saying and I don't want him there. He wouldn't believe me otherwise though. Nasty

OverlyYappyAlways Wed 02-Jan-13 16:57:22

I read back... and No he wont he is bastard!! Good keep him that way!

Well done and reading it, I stayed in a reltionship like this for 15 years, I freaked me out a bit, well the dreams did, I had to unblock it all! You have your whole life ahead of you, you don't need someone like that in your life, even if you are pregnant, decide to keep the baby, you will be happier alone ime!

So I still hand a key for the house, how can I make myself feel better... Just kidding.. Kind of...

* have

SoleSource Wed 02-Jan-13 17:00:11

prawns under rugs, curtain tops, glue prawns back radiator

OverlyYappyAlways Wed 02-Jan-13 17:01:37

Is he out? eggs in his bed would work grin

Sorry also just kidding....

OverlyYappyAlways Wed 02-Jan-13 17:02:20

No picture to be cut in half?

Very therapeutic... even the nice ones, in the end.

SoleSource Wed 02-Jan-13 17:02:22

Wants to text YOUR parents to say you .might be pregnant. What a cunt!!!

What do you feel their reaction would be, Chaos?

Was thinking some cress seeds on the carpets myself lol!!

Seriously though, what should I Do? Give him the key back and say have it you spineless so and so, you'll be a lonely old red faced man

They'd be gutted. Because of who he is and the family he has

Just another example of what he is

SoleSource Wed 02-Jan-13 17:19:52

Chaos they love you and have shown that. Your child will be yours!!!

Do it, cress lol

OverlyYappyAlways Wed 02-Jan-13 17:31:48

Why do I never think of good ideas like that?

I'm like a child sometimes, mine had an affair, he was texting her from the bathroom and asked me to make his bloody protein drink for the gym, I did, I weed in it.

I told him before we split!

Yesssss! Right need to be less obvious lol!!!

Laxative in the kettle?!?..

SoleSource Wed 02-Jan-13 19:21:22

Get rabbit droppings mush then stick them in his coffee jar

OverlyYappyAlways Wed 02-Jan-13 19:48:28

Advert in the paper for a male monkey for sale with his mobile number? or gumtree? or preloved....

SoleSource Wed 02-Jan-13 19:49:56

Lll yappy

Wondering what chaos is eating for tea? ,Prawns per chance lol

JustFabulous Wed 02-Jan-13 20:34:56

You dont have to let him go to the doctors with you. Get the test and get the doctor to write the result down. Or take another test yourself and send him a photo of the result.

SoleSource Wed 02-Jan-13 21:38:09

Love can be so criel. What we go throigh. When w feel so connected with one man on one level but the rest is so wrong we cannot be with him even if he wants us and be content. The one thing we unknowingly crave is satisfied within our hearts. Maybe that stays in our hearts forver.

Hello! Still not eaten am afraid. Will ring docs in the morning

Not going to bother telling him, if he cares he'll be in touch again.

What a selfish fuck

sole such true words, I think all we want is to love and to be loved in return. I even see this in the dog, more that can be said for him!

SoleSource Wed 02-Jan-13 23:30:24

Drink some milk Chaos..?
I really wanted to tell you not to tell him but no if you are expecting tell him THEN make no contact, ok? What you think?

I might make you suffer more of my crap emotional truths soon.grin

Yeah, but I am concerned about threat to text parents, surely not????

He can't have cared all along to carry out this shit. It takes a nasty bastard for this.

SoleSource Wed 02-Jan-13 23:35:19

He was a pretender, a manipulater. You are not. You are honest and truthful.

The question I want to ask may not be appropriate for the boards...

SoleSource Wed 02-Jan-13 23:36:54

What you are you'll always have over him and will only serve you in ypur favour niw and forever smilesmilesmile

Haha you havehonesty abd truthfulness he does NOT!!

Sad bastard.

do it am curious!!!

Am too honest and truthful must stop wearing heart on sleave

What's the question sole.....!!!!

SoleSource Wed 02-Jan-13 23:41:18

If tbere is doubt on your part aboht whether to continue oregnancy and you may want to abort and family not know theb yes his threat of texting isan issue. If not then why care??

Can you not speak to your Motber or another trusted member of family for support incase he dies text

That sneaky cunt just wants your family to decide for you, will they encourage you to abort?

Abort is no option for me. With or without him.

I see your point though. He's so sick and twisted. I called him because I needed support, and he's in it as much as me. I don't need him at all.

Lets pray this faint line was a fluker. He really is a right piece of work.

The duplicitness of people never ceases to amaze me at times.

And to think this man is in a position of power?

I truly believe his demise is round the corner.

SoleSource Wed 02-Jan-13 23:48:17

we shall find out tomorrow what the result is. Going to GP? Do you have a nurse at surgery? We have to know the answer

Please Chaos take a test FIRST thing. Get a pot to catch wee first thing ok?

You have a test?

Get this . Just got a text

SoleSource Wed 02-Jan-13 23:49:31


what does it say???????

'Thinking of you and (insert our chosen baby names), from what I understand dr's do not give results anymore. Suggest another test and call to midwife, x'

Eh fuck off. Deleted before I ranted

I started drafting a rant but I know he's been out all day and really? I called him at 3pm??? Wtaf it's almost midnight

SoleSource Wed 02-Jan-13 23:53:16

He doesn't but wants the baby and wants you to make the calls etc. This is the life of a single parent I am afraid.

Suggest anither test is what I suggested but he has been snidey in past of implying you are telling fibs.

When did you text him last time?

31st dec. am ignoring the bastard. No way is he making suggestions and controlling the situation this time

no way

And 10 to midnight!!!!!!!

SoleSource Thu 03-Jan-13 00:08:30

Ahhhhhh thats the spirit. Lol

Made us a brew


Tell me more..

SoleSource Thu 03-Jan-13 00:30:37

you might have gone to bed?

JustFabulous Thu 03-Jan-13 08:17:08

Patronising fucker angry.

Ignore ignore ignore.

Ignored! I went so bed sole!

Exactly fabulous I just keep thinking how could he and he just keeps doing it!!!

Allergictoironing Thu 03-Jan-13 09:10:34

It's probably a good thing he IS still being a stupid twunt, as he's just reinforcing your decision to leave him grin.

Wasn't my decision though ironing sad

sole re more, I have called work and taken today and tomorrow as annual leave.

I will continue to ignore him. Am very sick today so will need to leave off the test until I feel better, as I'll have to get it myself. My dr is over 60 miles away now. To be honest it's not my no1 priority just now.

I suppose his behaviour has reinforced that this is who he is, as hard as it is for me to acknowledge.

My cousin has got engaged which is lovely news, and he's asked me to give a reading about love st the wedding (the irony!)

Did you ever feel like its everyone else around you being happy and not you? I have a bit of black sheep syndrome. I am so fortunate at work, although I worked incredibly hard to get here.. But am I just hopelessly unlucky in love??

I keep fantasising I'll meet someone delightful and it will take all the pain away

Allergictoironing Thu 03-Jan-13 09:38:44

It was your decision really - otherwise you wouldn't have a) told your parents or b) gone with them when they came to get you.

At the moment you are still very raw, for goodness sake it's been less than a week since your world fell apart! But in between the agonising longing for him, you're starting to show signs of irritation and anger at his behaviour since the split. Use those feelings, every time you start to really miss him remind yourself what an arse he's being and recall your anger & irritation. They may not destroy that desire to be back with him, but may mask it long enough until it dulls a bit & becomes more bearable?

Thanks ironing, I think I just cracked after having such a good day with them, it was a relief to be honest.

I didn't want to go with them when they arrived but you're right, I did in the end.

Yes , it is very , very raw. How could I get it so so wrong? How are the ones we love the most the ones that can do this to us? It's made me think as a person too. How I will be kind to everyone I meet and never treat any human with such little regard for their feelings.

How very disappointing. I need to find comfort in something, I just don't know what??

Allergictoironing Thu 03-Jan-13 09:57:10

How are the ones we love the most the ones that can do this to us?
They can do this BECAUSE they are the ones we love the most, if we didn't love them so much in the first place they wouldn't have the power to cause us so much hurt.

You are in a state of mourning at the death of your marriage and your dreams, so it will be hard to find much comfort in the big things in life right now. So try to get the comfort you can find from smaller things - warm bed, comfort foods, a chickflick on the TV, the unconditional love your parents obviously have for you (not that this is small by any means!), the fact you don't have to walk on eggshells all the time to keep him from exploding.

Thanks ironing you're so right! I've not been able to concentrate on the tv, films or anything much so far.

My parents have had lots of visitors which have helped me greatly.

I still have so much unpacking to do, how do you suggest I face it?? I hate the constant reminders.

Allergictoironing Thu 03-Jan-13 10:18:38

I'd personally leave the unpacking for a bit apart from stuff you need to function, though I am a complete procrastinator (never do today what I can leave until tomorrow!).

Get yourself in a slightly less despairing place & with a bit more strength before you tackle it, then maybe ask your mum to help you with it so you have some support when you come across something that reminds you?

He's just text again, 'how are you'?

Anniegetyourgun Thu 03-Jan-13 11:40:30

How does he bloody think you are? Twunt. He doesn't mean "how are you, a real human being with feelings, feeling", he means "are you coming back yet, there's a pile of washing that needs doing".

It may help you eventually get your head round things if you realise that what he meant by "love" is not the same thing you are currently suffering from. You actually cared about that man. He wants his teddy bear/domestic appliance/verbal punchbag back because it was so handy.

I know Annie it's just so hard. It's so tempting to give up on love when one is hurt like this

You would think he could manage more than a how are you considering ....

JustFabulous Thu 03-Jan-13 13:32:34

Is there a reason you haven't blocked him yet? Or maybe reply saying we are over, stop texting me, I don't want to hear from you.

I've just ignored him. Like he's ignored my feelings.

If I text that I risk getting embroiled in it again, and I just can't do it to myself

Am slowly going mad though, time goes by so slowly doesn't it?

OverlyYappyAlways Thu 03-Jan-13 13:54:00

I does.... sometimes, but your gonna get all busy soon and not think about at all. I give mine one day a week, he doesn't get it now as I have no counselling, he has 1.5 hours every 2 weeks now, on a Thursday, if I think of him not on a Thursday I give myself a row and move him to Thursday!!

It take a bit of time. I was going to call mine today, just to yell at him. I didn't/haven't, waste of my voice.

I can't be weak now, I just can't. Musn't call him.

He doesn't give a ......

Like many have said ACTIONS not words. There has been no action

JustFabulous Thu 03-Jan-13 13:59:15

Talk to us instead.

I am so struggling not to call him!!!! Why is there such a hold????

JustFabulous Thu 03-Jan-13 14:39:11

Because you loved him.

I know how you feel. It took me years a long time to get over someone and I made a complete idiot of myself many many times. I still think about him but have no contact and won't make any. I can't say I wouldn't reply if he called me though hmm.

My advice would be to delete his number.

Allow yourself a set time each day to think about him if you feel you need that, and don't think about him at any other time. Sooner than you think the time will go by and you will have forgotten to think about him.

Or just don't allow any thoughts of him into your head.

It is still early days but don't fall into the trap of wallowing.

You know he is a prick. He also is not the man for you so concentrate on enjoying your single life and don't allow a man of such insignificance to take up any more of your time.

I know it is hard but you have to take control.

It's already deleted, but I know it off by heart. Am fortunate to be blessed with an incredible memory - it's a curse though! I remember numbers, words, memories in intricate detail.

Had another text asking if I called him earlier!! No!!!!

He so doesn't give a fuck about chaos. Chaos wants and commands more!

SoleSource Thu 03-Jan-13 15:08:31

Grieve, cry, go running, read self help books etc.

Very very early days


JustFabulous Thu 03-Jan-13 15:09:24


SoleSource Thu 03-Jan-13 15:09:47

Eat something

What you eaten today?

Did you go to nurse?

Take a test?


Fed up of grieving sole

But you're back and that's made me smile

Got apt for Tuesday. Still not eating sad

Still inandsssed by his text last night!!! And the how are you...

That's it all he can say?

Do we believe in karma??

Incandescent *

SoleSource Thu 03-Jan-13 15:16:23

You're not getting rid of me that easily. smile

Yappy not so.good, she might be here..


Come join us on the sweary.thread in chat

Pas time get other peoples perspectives too

Realky good, friendly bunch chaos you'd be mostwelcome

You too justfab smile

SoleSource Thu 03-Jan-13 15:18:27

In his mind it is over Chaos. He is being polite.

He is an abusive, hurtful, cold, physically violent, ignorant, fismisdive, self centered cunt

Language curtailed today, but ill be there soon!!!!

Slowly losing the will....

Work on Monday, got to face this.

Got to look fabulous and confident and be better than the person I was when with him. I love my job and am respected

But... What do I tell people?

SoleSource Thu 03-Jan-13 15:21:32

You say if it arises

You loved and respected each other and parted amicabally.

Thats all chaos

Does that feel right?

If pressed repeat like a record

sole he's a bastard, it wasn't amicable. Why should I lie???

SoleSource Thu 03-Jan-13 15:29:41

In the short term it might make things eadier for you. You might be bombarded by unwanted questions/advice. You might be gossiped about. Bide ypur time and choose carefully who you tell.

Ok, but as ill see him at work I don't want staff letting him Ito my office??

SoleSource Thu 03-Jan-13 15:42:26

You could add that you prefer it if he was not able to enter the office just because ot is early days and understandably you find that prospect difficult. Don't explain why.

What do you think chaos/justfab?

SoleSource Thu 03-Jan-13 15:44:41

People are more u.detstanding than we think and should respect what you say and is improper to pressfor

This is you taling control remember.

Remain dignified, as you.naturally are.

JustFabulous Thu 03-Jan-13 15:56:16

My feeling about your "is that all he can say?" text is that he is testing the waters. He isn't going to say much else as he wants the upper hand but you need to remember he can only have it if you give it to him.

Work - If anyone asks what do you want to say? And say that. Just remember you owe no one any explanations but if you feel you can't cope with him in your office at the moment you need to tell someone you trust at work that you need that not to happen.

OverlyYappyAlways Thu 03-Jan-13 16:08:56

I told my work the truth, my line manager... the other people suspected anyway, they were social workers, they made me rebel in a good way.

I will read back see what the bastard has been up to today. I had to change my number in the end though, his constant texting will affect you, every texts, he will pretend to change soon, he may even be capable, for a few weeks. Mine would still like to contact me the strange erm.. no not man.. weirdo that he is, I detest him, he thinks because we have 16 years of history we should do something with it, I agree bury it and block it all out, like a nightmare! grin

OverlyYappyAlways Thu 03-Jan-13 16:12:56

Oh dear you work with him.

Are you higher up than him? Different department?

Try not to see him if at all possible.

I seen my ex once this year it was terrible, a summers day, we both had our windows down, passed each other, in the cars, before I knew it the words were out 'you dirty fucking bastard' blush

On the upfront he looks terrible....

Allergictoironing Thu 03-Jan-13 16:25:02

If you work with him then you do need to tell at least one person who is senior to you as soon as possible, just to prevent him manipulating others at the work place.

Possible examples would be:
Tell everyone (regretfully ofc) that he didn't want to split but you were such a bitch
Suggest (regretfully again) that he's concerned about your mental stability
Out & out tell people you've lost it completely
Start to "let slip" lots of horrible things you've done to him over the years
Let himself be "caught" staring out the window & sighing wistfully (or similar) so he can tell people how much he misses you

All these and many more are designed to show him in a good light as the wronged one, and you in a bad light. He can get lots of kudos for showing how understanding he's being with his irrational wife, and at the same time making sure that if things get too uncomfortable at work he will be the one who can stay there while you'll be the one trying to find another job.

I will tell my boss, I will be honest.

Thanks for the posts. Slightly pissed that that mutual friend (my fairly long term friend and his best friends wife) sent a text asking (on behalf of ex DP!!!) if I had told anyone else about the suspected pregnancy first!!!!

Well I stupidly had told the wife and mutual friend, and only cos he hung up and persistently hung up!!!!

He has literally just rung there and I rejected it. Had a voicemail asking how I was, had I made doc apt, had I done a test. He sounded very low. Maybe he now knows how I feel???

Lets just ignore his feelings like he has mind, not nice, is it??

JustFabulous Thu 03-Jan-13 17:21:29

<said with care> Don't give him or his mates anymore thought and I suggest you only tell people anything on a strictly need to know basis.

Priority is to get another test done to see if you are pregnant or not because if you aren't you can tell him to foatwhgtfosm wink.

Yes, that's what I'll do.

Am I being terrible for ignoring him?

SoleSource Thu 03-Jan-13 17:29:24

No no no no

Ni ignote ignore ignore!!!

He is an abusive, hurtful disrespectful bastard!!

JustFabulous Thu 03-Jan-13 17:29:44


You are not in a relationship with him anymore and have no obligation to talk to him ever again.

Thought so, am enjoying controlling the situation

SoleSource Thu 03-Jan-13 17:30:06

What would you say to your Daughter Chaos in tbe same situ as you are now?

He wouldn't be living, lol

SoleSource Thu 03-Jan-13 17:31:00

Lol fab eyes on your own paper! grin

SoleSource Thu 03-Jan-13 17:31:51

You are just as important as imagined Daughter.

Allergictoironing Thu 03-Jan-13 18:52:17

"Had a voicemail asking how I was, had I made doc apt, had I done a test. He sounded very low"

He has to know whether you're pg or not - that's all he's really worried about right now. How you are = no sign of a miscarriage, do you know anything for sure. Have you made doc appt = do you know either way yet, when will you have the gp test done. Have you done a test = do you know yet whether you're pg. Not because he cares about how YOU are, but because he can see it impacting on HIS future, how much more he will have to pay & support you if you have his child, how HE will be seen.

There are 2 main directions he may go from here. Firstly if he thinks there's no way you'll go back to him, there's a pretty good chance he could try to persuade you to abort the child "as it won't have much of a future not having both parents bringing it up". Secondly he may do his utmost to use the baby to persuade you to go back to him, again citing how much better it would be for said baby; this would bring you back in line & even more under his control as you'll have a DC to care about.

What he won't do is change who he is, though he is very likely to tell you that he has changed because of the thought of being a father "oooh now we have/will be having this DC I'm going to change, be a good father & husband & look after you". Having a child won't change him by itself, he needs to want to change for himself and you.

Allergictoironing Thu 03-Jan-13 18:53:53

Forgot to say.....


SoleSource Thu 03-Jan-13 18:55:26

Allergic imo is 1000000% RIGHT!!!

Allergictoironing Thu 03-Jan-13 19:00:33

Mutual admiration here Sole, you are wise & lovely. thanks

SoleSource Thu 03-Jan-13 19:33:39

Thank you Allergic smile x

Justfab x

Chaos x

JustFabulous Thu 03-Jan-13 19:56:28

I'm confused by the 17:31 post.

SoleSource Thu 03-Jan-13 19:59:32

Just a silly.joke!

Told him to fuck the fuck off and then fuck off some more!!!!

SoleSource Thu 03-Jan-13 21:35:36


Ok when, you text him?

The bastard text and said he was coming to parents then called and I was blackmailed into answering!

Of course he's been in touch with his mother- who caused the straw that' broke the camels back and all he could think about was how he's a mess, his life's a mess, any child would have to have a family unit!!! A family unit?? With him and his mother!!

Fuck the fuck off!!!

SoleSource Thu 03-Jan-13 22:34:34

Has he asked for you to get back together if you are expecting

An expectancy. I told him I wouldn't want that for me or child

Then he accused me of lying...! He's mentally unstable.. He must be

I had mentioned time of doc and day so am sure he will show up outside which will be fun ,

SoleSource Thu 03-Jan-13 22:44:31


No I wouldn't be with a guy for the sake of the child. The child knows.

If be turns up will you be safe, Chaos?

Wow am so never going back there, what a nutter

Ill be fine, I just know I will.

He's really cracking up. I can see now how he's brought me down so much

OverlyYappyAlways Thu 03-Jan-13 22:54:43

Oh definitely a bad move bringing a child up into any type of relationship with him imo

Oh yes yappy he's crazy and cracking up! You should hear his immature guff

OverlyYappyAlways Thu 03-Jan-13 22:56:00

He's not cracking up, he's an idiot losing control! Please, try not to give him any more brain space than he deserves tonight, turn your phone off or something, forget him and try wind down a bit.

SoleSource Thu 03-Jan-13 22:57:24

Keep talking to us Chaos, we all need an outlet x

OverlyYappyAlways Thu 03-Jan-13 22:59:22

I have phone full of that crap, I laugh when I read it now, mine even a had a g/friend. He is/was a lunatic. I have no idea where he will end up, not in good way I suspect. He still thought he could come back in August and thank god I can say last year... I sent him text to confirm my level of hate for hima nd he would never be back in my house again.... this was after 2 lawyers telling him much the same.

Don't let him play with your head at all. So not worth it.

Oh trust me, he's cracking up. I told you I'd see his demise, and I am. I ain't falling for if, and I ain't going back. He just gets more comical the more I think about him

He's binned

OverlyYappyAlways Thu 03-Jan-13 23:00:40

Is he threatening to kill himself yet?

Okay my experience may have been extreme grin

Of course he is, you name it, he's on it!!!

He's so low, nothing in his life is right etc etc !!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my, chaos has really smelled the coffee!!!!

Allergictoironing Thu 03-Jan-13 23:26:46

Yappy they nearly all do the threatening suicide thing, it's in The Script lol.

He will swing from crying & being depressed, suicidal, to blaming our lovely Chaos for every single ill in his life probably since the day he was born. Just wait for the threatening phase, when he will probably say he will take the unborn (potential) baby from Chaos the second it is delivered wink.

You know what yappy am ready, am so ready!!!

This is it 6 days no eating, barely sleeping and tears that could cover the mass that is the Victoria falls . This ends here

He's betrayed me so much ; my heart, my feelings, our live(

He's been on the phone to mother and his ex has enquiries as she saw on Facebook ...

The humiliation of chaos stops here!!!

I am off shopping this weekend and next am off to the spa at the old course hotel, fuck this!!!!

OverlyYappyAlways Thu 03-Jan-13 23:40:13

Yeah he may even tell you it was your fault, he loves you so much you know? Only you could do this to him... and he loves you so much (again) you are driving him crazy!


Don't buy it! Mines liked to drag me about by my hand, I was humiliated for years... I do not like PDAS, I felt like a 6 year old. An old one.

Remember he will change soon too. I totally believed it, he was so bloody thin, and scruffy, I think I really only was my TV back tbh! I also bought the whole 'it takes 2 parents to raise 2 child' this is not true, it take on sane one who can keep her hands to herself and let her Dc be bloody DC.. honestly he would be a nightmare if you had a baby, my baby remember things from when he was 3 years old.

Have you not been accused of having sex with people yet? I was .... I am slutty bad bad abusive person if you ask my ex... I will not lie he has that affect on me now, I just want to swear at him upon sight, I avoid his town now. I avoid him period!

OverlyYappyAlways Thu 03-Jan-13 23:42:57

Good plan!!

Block him away for a while, he will be fine, he has his mum, go get pampered.

It's terrible to think what could have been etc. I try not to do that, these men choose how to act, no one forces them chaos, there is always another option.

Thanks ! He's so OTT!! You should have heard him.

I calmly said have you sought help out for your anger and need to push me and you guessed it, he said 'you make me' 'you stand in my way and don't let me leave, I have to push you'

Can he not hear himself????

Oh and he is having heart palpitations and can't cope, he's overly anxious and his life is a mess hmm!!!!

Actually, tonight chaos' life is incredible!!!!!!!!!

I have the world at my feet, a sane a d caring family, great friends, wonderful MN cyber chums, the money from the house in my account and am.......


I need to get over the shame and embarrassment of this, it's the making of me, and something is telling me it's going to be great!!!

OverlyYappyAlways Thu 03-Jan-13 23:50:27

Yes mine was too. Very unwell, had to seek medical help in the end, never attended the appointments, he forgot to change his address I got the letters, no idea of forwarding address.

My father told me this would haunt him in more ways than being lonely, I think he's right!

Allergictoironing Thu 03-Jan-13 23:51:58

Yay for Chaos, sounds like you've turned a big corner being able to laugh at him. Give yourself wine or brew as a reward grin. Look how far you've come in 5 days - from feeling like you couldn't live without him, to finding everything he says as a cause for laughing at him.

Thanks allergic ... How can they be so shallow and pathetic? I thought it was be, I thought I was pathetic? No, I did what any poor cow does in love. What's his excuse??!?

OverlyYappyAlways Fri 04-Jan-13 00:01:28

I have no idea tbh! I blamed his parents, I was advised he made his choices, mine is a pathetic loser. I felt a tiny bit sorry for his life earlier this year.... it has turned out very bad.

I need to got to bed, you have 'left the bastard' now turn our phone off/down and go read a book or drink wine and forget him for a while, if you think of him when trying to get to sleep try concentrate on your breathing, from your toes to the chest etc etc etc no thinking of him - he is not worth all this brain space, go chill out soon!!

Thanks yappy, sweet dreams!!!

My goodness I feel brand new.

Sorted out all the photos and cards and swiftly filed into an envelope named 'the x files'!!! Ha ha and buried them at the back of the ottoman.

What next!

I think it was the realisation that he immediately slipped into his own selfish ways and went crawling back to toxic mother, despite saying that he would never speak to her again

Am free, am so free!

OverlyYappyAlways Fri 04-Jan-13 11:21:21

You so are, good move!!

Anything else around your house reminded you of him? I removed everything, only have a TV left which I like!

Well am back at my parents which is a bit ps at as he's 'been here,sat there etc etc'...

But in time (a long time) my mr right will.

My dad never liked him , although he never told me, I knew. And if never want my mr happy ever after to be someone my darling dad didn't like!!!

Anniegetyourgun Fri 04-Jan-13 11:26:09

Pity is wasted on such losers. Most of the self-pity is made up anyway, but if they do have real problems they don't let you help, they just drag you down too.

OverlyYappyAlways Fri 04-Jan-13 11:26:50

Mine were the same, I drove to the registry office with my Dad asking 'are you sure, you can back out now' I didn't take him seriously enough.

Anniegetyourgun Fri 04-Jan-13 11:28:05

I am so glad you have the Right Sort of Father. This will make it easier for you to recognise the Right Sort of Partner when he turns up, as he surely will.

Yes annie yes!!!!!thats just it, I'd say to him, I don't see my father talk to my mother like this

Ah yappy what made you go through with it then? Did you have doubts?

OverlyYappyAlways Fri 04-Jan-13 12:02:59

I had many doubts Chaos, the violence started before I married, I thought if we married I would somehow learn to stop making him angry with me, most of his anger was jealous anger, he wanted me 24/7 with him, no friends, definitely no men friends...

I did it, still didn't work. I know better now. The man is a lunatic! I was also a lunatic for believing him, I was 21. I got there in the end, sometimes it was just easier, being quiet and telling nothing and pretending everything was fine.

The wedding was also paid for, flashy cars, buses etc.. my head was all over the place tbh! My mum asked me the night before... I kept giving the wrong answer, it scarred mine and mums reltionship, she cannot understand it...I keep trying to explain but, she doesn't understand tbh, I can understand that!

Ah yappy how difficult. I understand why you did it, even if mother doesn't.

What I will never understand is how someone like me could get sucked in?!?! I am we'll educated, have a great job, family, head on my shoulders?! Maybe your mum can't understand as she hasn't been through it. I truly believe this could happen to anyone xxx

Don't feel a lunatic. Age irrelevant. Love makes fools of us all.

The only mistake we made was not being true to ourselves. We would have done anything for them. And we did. Look where it got us!!!

JustFabulous Fri 04-Jan-13 12:30:49

Phew! Bloody hell, that was exhaustiing reading that grin. I've been houseworking for 4 1/2 hours and needed a sit down. I need a lie down now!!

Please don't listen to this twat any more.

Please get a test and do it today. You really do not need to see the GP to do that.

When I split up with the twat who hit me I returned all the photos with him in them to him. Posted second class wink. Why have you burried them and not binned them? Get them out, they are making your space toxic.

You don't have to talk to him anymore and who the fuck blackmailed you into talking to him? And don't fall for it again.

End of lecture.

My tests are inconclusive! So gp on Tuesday, job done.

He's such a shit!!!

I buried the pics as I didn't want to launch them just yet. But I will. In time.

He black mailed me and I fell for it sad

Keep lecturing.. It's helping

JustFabulous Fri 04-Jan-13 12:46:31

I just think a trip of 60 miles to the doctor is a lot when he might not even do another test anyway.

How late are you?

As Noel says, everyone is allowed one mistake. You had your one blackmail mistake. Let that go. You won't do it again.

OverlyYappyAlways Fri 04-Jan-13 12:47:10

So we are non lunatic, we made made bad life choices, now we are making good ones.

My xbas lived in a drawer for a year grin The pictures can wait, it feels so much better when you do burn them, or rip his face in half, or cut him up, I have never been as angry with a Teddy Bear before he bought me it though the poor teddy well, yes I was bit mean to it. Oh its just a bloody bear. grin

So you think you are pregnant then? How do you feel a about that?

I'll need to return to work anyway, so not south about the miles

3 weeks late. I feel calm about it. In my head I don't think I am. Or maybe that's just a survival technique?

JustFabulous Fri 04-Jan-13 13:30:50

Eek. 3 weeks is quite a lot but it does not mean you are. You can be late for other reasons. If you know you want to keep the baby why not act as if you are. Take folic acid, stop drinking, etc etc anything like that that you would want to do if you were trying to conceive.

Yeah. It is!

I've had 2 gins since and before I was concerned, so been behaving sensibly.

Felt great today. Wore make up, did my hair nice and got a wild whistle, lol.

Went out to a friends to see her baby and her shitty husband came in and the atmosphere changed. As truly sad as I am for her, I needed to see it to realise that could have been me. And it won't, as I won't allow myself to be spoken to /treated like that by a man ever again,

I have even eaten, hurrah!!!!!

Allergictoironing Fri 04-Jan-13 18:06:45

Food is Good - was it something nice & indulgent?

Small bit of Chinese, but it's a start

Can't believe it's been a week since D-Day

It's made we wonder looking on MN, and through my own situation, just how we end up in such situations in the first place???!!

Why do we all agonise over men and shut up and put up? Why! This is rhetorical, just got me thinking after looking at active conversations

Allergictoironing Fri 04-Jan-13 18:18:06

Yep chinese much better than choking down a slice of bread or something equally boring. How about trying to tempt yourself with a bit of cake or ice cream? You do need to get back into the habit of eating, and tasty indulgent foods will help that.

Maybe going to try Christmas chocolates later!

JustFabulous Fri 04-Jan-13 18:43:12

Soon you will be strong enough to support your friend when she decides she needs to leave her twatty husband wink.

Ha ha yes, but that will never happen !

JustFabulous Fri 04-Jan-13 18:55:29

Never say never...

Doubt it. Whatcha up to tonight then?

JustFabulous Fri 04-Jan-13 19:13:08

DH has just got home with fish and chips so the next few minutes wil be spent fending off FABCat who likes fish and chips from the chippy! grin.

How are you doing?

Any more texts from TwatHead?

Ha ha!! Enjoy smile

Packing bags as heading away tomorrow.

No more word, am really accepting it now ..

t1971 Fri 04-Jan-13 19:17:15

You do not crave or want this abusive man, you crave and want the security of a relationship. Abusers have this ability to make you feel like you are nothing without them and that they are the only people who would want to spend any time with you.

You are lucky to have such a big support network around you. You will want to be with him because all of a sudden he is no longer there.

I was in a mentally and physically abusive relationship with my ex husband for 10 years. In the end I snapped packed up my few belongings and moved into a bedsit. 5 weeks later he called me begging me to come back, then when i said no the threats started up again.

Ultimately daily we read about women who have remained in abusive relationships and sometimes it ending up really badly. His abuse is escalating and he has broken you down to the point where you feel you are nothing without him.

It will take time, it wont be easy but eventually it will definately be worth it.

Thanks t1971 I am already beginning to see that it is infant worth it!

Sorry to hear of your experience, I hope you are very happy now smile

OverlyYappyAlways Fri 04-Jan-13 20:33:38

Have a fantatsic weekend!