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Am I mad??

(41 Posts)
Lozzamas Fri 28-Dec-12 20:35:10

DH had an affair 9 years ago we did all the upset guilt trip healing and some sort of normality although not the same returned. Just discovered Xmas eve that DH visited a prostitute a few months ago. DD gave me the idea he was having an affair and when I presented the suspicion he fes'd up to the brothel visit. This time however we agreed to leave it til after Xmas to discuss for sake of DC's Xmas and now we're there I'm not bothered about talking it through. I don't know if that means I don't care about the infidelity or that I don't care about the marriage. I really thought after all the hurt and apology last time I'd never be in this position. He is a really nice very steady ordinary man who just feels so lonely in our marriage he says due to our infrequent sex life ... Kids, work, elderly parents getting in the way etc. I'm upset ... Pride more than anything but I'm not feeling the need to dissect it all this time. Does that mean I don't care about the marriage?

yohohoho Fri 28-Dec-12 20:41:05

I think you are either in shock or have emotionally checked out. Or possibly in survival mode

Are you sure it was a prostitute? Are you sure? Could it be that he thinks you are more likely to forgive a visit to a prostitute than an affair?

What prompted dds suspicions?

IncognitoIsMyFavouriteWord Fri 28-Dec-12 20:51:46

Perhaps you feel detached is because he has been detached.

I don't know what you plan to do but 2 cases of infidelity is pretty disgusting.

It shows he has no respect for you, DD or even himself for that matter by scraping the barrel with a prostitute.

Good luck OP with however you decide to handle this

Lozzamas Fri 28-Dec-12 21:04:41

DD found antibiotics and condoms from an STD clinic so I accused him of another affair he says he felt dirty after going to a brothel and got checked out. He was all clear he says when he got the results. I would say he was covering an affair except he was sooo convincing in his shame and self loathing for paying for it. Not sure either way not sure if I really care - last time it was details required, tears, all night talking etc. this time I'm not even curious just sort of normal.... Can't work me out.

mrslaughan Fri 28-Dec-12 21:08:52

maybe you are ready for it to be over?

DorisIsWaiting Fri 28-Dec-12 21:29:32

Sorry that doesn't ring true.

If you are in the UK it is unlikely that the Dr's prescribed AB's without evidence or symptoms of infection. As a side issue you DEF need to get yourself checked out.

Personnally it sounds to me that it is part shock and partly the comparmentalisation you have had to do to get through christmas.

Can you give yourself some time and space from him, to work out what you want to do before you do anything.

izzyizin Fri 28-Dec-12 21:30:44

His previous affair may have made you question your beliefs and maybe you concluded that, while sexual infidelity may bring about the end of a marriage,it's not the end of the world.

Did he articulate the alleged lonlieness he's felt in his marriage to you before going shopping for sex?

Lozislovely Fri 28-Dec-12 21:33:03

'D'H did the same to me, though not this Christmas (as far as I know).

At least 3 prostitutes, one 6 weeks before we married though it was just a BJ so that makes it ok wink

Never trusted him fully since, hated sex and slowly started to hate him.

Fast forward 10 years and a threat my him of separation as I don't want sex anymore.

Feeling quite calm and relieved really as its finally dawned on me that I've been living a lie and don't want to do it anymore

20 years down the drain but the next 20 won't be spent wondering whether he's paid yet another visit to some cheap dirty place for a quick thrill wink

Good luck to you op, stick to your guns, you're worth so much more x

yohohoho Fri 28-Dec-12 21:33:25

You don't get antibiotics when given the all clear.

I honestly think he is covering an affair.

I think your lack of feeling regards this perhaps means that you should think about ending the marriage. Mayne the affair did more damage than you thought.

How have things been in the last 9 years?

Lozislovely Fri 28-Dec-12 21:33:55

by not my!

BelleDameSousMistletoe Fri 28-Dec-12 21:38:22

Is it normal to have unprotected sex with a prostitute too? Sorry, none of this rings true.

He may have had a "quickie" with someone rather than an affair but it all sounds highly questionable and, as has been said above, you don't get preventative antibiotics in the UK...

Hassled Fri 28-Dec-12 21:41:44

Agree that the ABs are really dodgy - he's lying somewhere along the line. You don't get given ABs in the UK "just in case".

I don't think you're mad - I think you don't care. And really, why should you? What do you want to happen now?

BelleDameSousMistletoe Fri 28-Dec-12 21:42:20

And, I've said this before and I'll no doubt say it again, if you do something you know will jeopardise your relationship then you don't really care about the relationship... Your DH cares more about getting a quick shag, it would appear.

CajaDeLaMemoria Fri 28-Dec-12 21:50:43

He wasn't all clear. The UK does not allow preventative antibiotics for STDs. Not under any circumstances.

Whether you have been intimate or not, get yourself checked out. Some STDs can be spread in bizarre ways.

Then, decide what to do about your DH. He needs to tell you the truth - everything he has said is in question as he has lied about being infected. That isn't just his health that he is lying about, he is risking you, too.

Find out where he got the infection from, when, and what it was. Then ask him to leave for a while. You'll soon see if you miss him or want him back, or if you are quite happy on your own.

He won't change. He doesn't care enough too...and he's so obvious and blase about his affairs that he leaves the evidence around for your DD to find and analyse. Fun. She now knows that her dad is a cheat and a liar, and her perception of relationships will be changed. How can he live with that?

Lozzamas Fri 28-Dec-12 21:57:34

Your all right, I guess my reaction means I know it deep down. The last 9 years have been OK. Not unhappy but not the same, I think we've been borrowed time, the original affair was such a betrayal it was probably really over I just couldn't see it. I think I will quiz him again when we turn in, I need to make him squirm at least. I think he takes my indifference to be he got away with it. Although he has been walking on egg shells. I guess bring it to a head and see where we go from there, at least it may provoke a reaction in me. Playing happy families over Xmas has probably made it all a bit artificial.

Lozzamas Fri 28-Dec-12 22:08:01

To be fair DD thinks all is well. I covered for him. Told her I knew about them and we were keeping them for a friend. Don't want the kids involved until I know what's going to happen and it becomes necessary.

NettleTea Fri 28-Dec-12 22:16:25

really? You would lie to the daughter who brought this to your attention to cover the back of your lying husband. Sorry, but thats awful and I am sure she doesnt believe you either now. kids arent that stupid......

tawse57 Fri 28-Dec-12 22:28:25

I am sorry that this is going on in your life and marriage.

The harsh reality is that men express their love through the act of sex and if a woman will not make love to her husband then the man feels unloved and unable to show his love - so he will go elsewhere.

There are many relationship specialists who say that it is cruel for a woman to deny sex to her husband. I agree. I can't think of a single man who will not become miserable, depressed and thoroughly unhappy at being in a sexless relationship.

I don't say the above to hurt you or to make you feel worse. I am just giving you the perspective of how important the sexual act is for a man. If you wish to save your marriage then please seriously consider the above and why sex is so important to a man. I know that you mention the kids, the parents, work, etc, etc, but sex is SO important to a man to show love to his woman that, without it, he will just walk out of the door eventually.

I hope you can overcome all the awful feelings that you feel now and find a way for you and your husband to have a happy, loving and sexual relationship going forward.

Lozzamas Fri 28-Dec-12 22:29:22

She's got exam's and enough pressure, she seemed content with the explaination. I didn't feel good about it my instinct was to protect them from any fall out, I still wouldn't want them to know why if I kick him out... I'm ashamed at failing and he ought to be ... I don't want them to have to feel ashamed too.

izzyizin Fri 28-Dec-12 22:34:57

Sorry to be the bearer of more bad news, but you're best advised to go to a GUM clinic and get yourself tested for stis.

Lozzamas Fri 28-Dec-12 23:00:34

I will get checked. I have had sex with him before I found out, it's infrequent but not non exsistent.

izzyizin Fri 28-Dec-12 23:24:27

No bangs in your crackers this Christmas, Lozza?

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Sat 29-Dec-12 00:10:13

Tawse: the reason most women go off sex with their husbands (in relationships where the man complains that the woman is not sufficiently amenable to sex) is that the man is not doing his share of the domestic work and childcare, therefore the woman loses any feelings of desire for him: it's hard to want sex with someone who is treating you as a servant.

Amazoniancracker Sat 29-Dec-12 01:29:49


Alien Invasion from another forum presumably?

Fuckity off now dear.

Amazoniancracker Sat 29-Dec-12 01:44:31

Goodness, no I see that you have many other posts on MN.

That somehow makes your post even more shocking. shock

badinage Sat 29-Dec-12 01:49:08

OP - this sounds more like an affair or some random act of unprotected sex. He obviously thinks you'd be more okay with him paying for sex than an affair, hence the lie. For me personally, this would be far worse than an affair but regardless, two separate infidelities would be the death knell. I think you're probably numb because of shock and also because nothing could hurt as much as the first time. You've now lied to your daughter which although understandable in the heat of the moment and because of the time of year, cannot go on. It must have taken her a lot of courage to tell you her suspicions and the only reward she got for that was a lie......she's not stupid though. She'll either think you are though, or that both her parents are liars.

Don't take any notice of the drivel from the misogynist on the thread. He doesn't speak for all men.....just entitled wankstains who think that men will spontaneously combust if they don't have women dancing sexual attendance on them. Most men do not think like this poster - or your husband for that matter.

jessjessjess Sat 29-Dec-12 02:21:41

Tawse57, I never read such utter sexist bollocks in my life.

Lozzamas Sat 29-Dec-12 04:52:14

I appreciate that, in my case however he does tend to do his share in every way apart from this infidelity he is a very good DH. Well we've done the into the wee small hours chat. He got the AB's after the clear test having gone back to the GUM as he still had symptoms, they suggested a non specific urinary infection and tested him again and he was still clear of any STI. He showed me the texts they sent. He swears it was protected sex and he knows he couldn't have contracted anything but was so panicked by symptoms he went anyway. He understands if I want him go, he hates himself (probably for getting caught) but also he doesn't want to live with the likelihood of my punishment and a loveless marriage if I don't forgive him. He's offered to go to counselling, he thinks neither of us really got over his affair and he claims the sex has been bad since then and as he promised he wouldn't do that again he thought a prostitute was the better alternative. He says it was traumatic, seedy and he wished he hadn't done it. But as it hurt much because of the affair he couldn't/didn't want to discuss his loneliness and the lack of sex with me... He considered it his just punishment for last time. It doesn't seem 100% - but it' makes me feel a bitch! Might do the counselling.

TapirAroundTheChristmasTree Sat 29-Dec-12 04:52:45

Oh dear Tawse (interesting name...) What a shame your post is a load of bollocks.

Any decent ADULT man would not dream of fucking another woman simply because sex is infrequent or missing in his relationship with his wife, and to imply otherwise simply shows us what your standards in life are.

Poor you.

badinage Sat 29-Dec-12 09:44:19

Wow this bloke is good....

Somehow he's managed to make spending family money on a prostitute and risking your health (oh, yes he could have caught something - condoms don't protect against everything) sound like such a traumatic experience and the only choice for a man who'd been made desperately unhappy by his wife.

That's quite some manipulation.

And it sounds like you're taking some of the blame..........


Wake up OP!! You're being manipulated to high heaven here.

WinterWinds Sat 29-Dec-12 09:50:23

Yes tawse57 Because thats the whole point of marriage isn't it ?

Keeping the man happy!!!!!!
To fuck with how the woman is feeling, as long as the man has his dinner on the table and sex on tap then everything will be hunky dory!! hmm

What a load of utter Bollocks!

Anniegetyourgun Sat 29-Dec-12 10:38:31

What an insult to men, too. The poor dears just have to have it, otherwise they go all peculiar - so peculiar, in fact, that they lose the ability to talk to their wives. What kind of creature do you think a man is? Er, they were human beings last time I checked - same species as women - and human beings come in a whole spectrum of sexuality, or lack thereof. In a good relationship, two rational adults can discuss any incompatibility and come to a mutually respectful and affectionate compromise. Sneaking off to get a bit with random women, whether paid for or not, is not the answer; it's ducking the question.

RoxyRobin Sat 29-Dec-12 12:08:22

Hello there, tawse - or should I say Tulip. How's life on House Price Crash? Must be dead boring if you've got to liven things up with a raid on the mn relationships board. Or are all those estate agents in Swansea shut over the festive period?

countrykitten Sat 29-Dec-12 17:03:40

Tawsw57 what a disgusting post that is. You should be ashamed.

countrykitten Sat 29-Dec-12 17:03:52

Sorry for typo.

countrykitten Sat 29-Dec-12 18:44:45

And OP you are not a bitch - he is the one firmly in the (very) wrong.

CeilingThomas Sat 29-Dec-12 19:30:46

Tawes57, words fail me. That is very a selfish viewpoint. Lack of sex is NOT an acceptable reason to cheat. Talking to your partner and creating the right environment for them to WANT sex is. Weekend away without the kids, helping more round the house or getting a cleaner so partner isn't tired etc. It's funny how men of the type you're talking about aren't generally willing to spend money on these types things in the persuit of sex...

OP, I imagine you are in survival mode, it may be that deep down its just that you're not surprised this has happened and therefore have been living with this as a possibility for 9 years.

Only you know if you don't care about the marriage, I think the more important question is to have a good think about how you want your future to look. Write a paragraph of how your ideal life would look and compare it to what you've got/what you see in the future, then decide if you care enough to pursue your dream.

Pendipidy Sat 29-Dec-12 19:39:22

I don't think tawse said it was an acceptable reason to cheat, i think she meant it could be why he cheated~the reason in his mind and the thoughts behind it.
I get where she is coming from but i obviously don't condone that behavior. But it stands to reason someone happy in their marriage and with their spouse wouldn't cheat.

CeilingThomas Sat 29-Dec-12 19:59:30

Thats true pendi, tawes57 didn't use those words exactly, but simply shrugging your shoulders and saying its inevitable is a form of acceptance. By accepting something you're as good as condoning it. That's just my personal opinion.

All relationships have ups and downs and the corner stone of any relationship is trust. You need to know that you can talk about issues and weather storms together. If one party is unhappy and their issue is a deal breaker then leave BEFORE engaging sexually with another person. Cheating should not an inevitable consequence of not having your needs met, sexual or otherwise.

I take your point though and will be mindful when posting not to put words in other posters mouths. smile

badinage Sat 29-Dec-12 21:04:35

No Tawse (who's a man, I presume) said that because sex is so important to a man that if it isn't available, he will 'go elsewhere' which is utter, sexist bollocks.

Sex is important to most women as well as most men - no one sex has the monopoly on it. Consequently, if a sex life is poor that will be a threat to most relationships.

I've seen loads of threads on this site from women who love sex and are living in sexless relationships. Not one from a woman who thinks it's acceptable to buy it from a male prostitute though......

That's because it isn't acceptable, over and above the unacceptability of cheating.

I think focusing on 'the relationship' is a massive red herring here, in a thread where a man has been financially and sexually unfaithful with a prostitute, on top of a discovered affair. Fact is, people like this will feel entitled to look (and pay for) sex elsewhere regardless of the state of their relationship and their happiness within it.

Saying that someone who's happy in their relationship wouldn't cheat is just victim-blaming and IME quite untrue. Cheating is not always about 'happiness' or even dissatisfaction with a spouse.

It's about selfishness - and in the case of cheating with prostitutes, out and out misogyny, because a man who thinks that some women can be bought really doesn't respect or like women.

CeilingThomas Sat 29-Dec-12 21:13:07

Well said badinage. smile

I assumed tawes is a bloke too but either way their viewpoint is extreme and (i believe) not the viewpoint of decent men.

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