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piss I've fallen for my partners friend.

(78 Posts)
bristolcities Thu 27-Dec-12 14:34:40

I have been with my partner for 8 months we have just moved in together, we had a small house warming, 2 of my friends 2 of his, most fell asleep or left by 2ish but my self and the freond stayed up untill 6. At the end of an amazing 4 hour chat we kissed, I stooped him before anything else happened.
I love my boyf but we have nothing in common and I guess living together has just highlighted this. He is having a hard time of it at the moment and I feel utterly ashamed of my self but I can't help thinking of the friend all the time. I don't know what the vest thing to do for everyone is. I am fully expecting a roasting, maybe I need it, definitely deserve it.
Pardon the typos, I'm using a basic phone

Earlybird Thu 27-Dec-12 14:38:00

If you are unhappy with your partner and don't want to try to make it work, then split up.

But very bad form for you and dp's friend to betray your dp to such an extent. It is the way to hurt him the most deeply.

bristolcities Thu 27-Dec-12 14:40:50

I know, I really love him, although my behaviour would suggest other wise I just find it so hard not being challenged at all.

lemonstartree Thu 27-Dec-12 14:41:17

we have just moved in together,

nice ! why did you do that if you have nothing in common?

pretty poor behavior on both your parts, in my opinion

bristolcities Thu 27-Dec-12 14:42:05

Not an excuse, there is no excuse. He is a great man aswell

Earlybird Thu 27-Dec-12 14:42:59

Pardon my saying so, but you sound very young and not ready at all for a serious commitment with your current dp.

bristolcities Thu 27-Dec-12 14:44:36

I thought it would all be ok I guess, I was lonely and have had only one previous relationship, a pretty awfull one at that. I can't hurt him now, not while everything else has gone so badly wrong for him

bristolcities Thu 27-Dec-12 14:45:58

I am relatively young I suppose, he is 6 years older than me, and I think bar a dew hick-ups pretty commited

qazxc Thu 27-Dec-12 14:47:35

There are 2 issues here.
number one, do you see your relationship continuing or are you together out of habit and no longer love him? Do not stay with him out of pity (you both deserve better). This would have to be addressed whether you were drawn to someone else or not.
number two, think long and hard as to whether you want to start something with the friend as it will cause uproar. I assume that alcohol might have been consumed at this party and what seems deep and meaningful with drink might not stand up to the cold light of day. Also if he's quite happy to snog (and more if you hadn't stopped there) his mate's girlfriend, is he really someone you want in your life? To you it was deep and meaningful, to him maybe you were drunk and easy, and if he said what you wanted to hear he could get into your knickers.

VBisme Thu 27-Dec-12 14:50:49

You do not want to be in a relationship with a guy who would try it on with his best mates girlfriend. He sounds horrible.

(and it's not because you're soulmates and he found you irrisitable, it's because you were both drunk and you made yourself available). Nice behaviour.

Earlybird Thu 27-Dec-12 14:52:50

Pretty poor on your part to be with this man just because you didn't want to be lonely - and then cheat on him with one of his friends.

You need to sort yourself out, without depending on someone else to make things OK for you.

This is not the right relationship for you or him, from what you've posted. Move on so you can find someone you can be happy (and honest) with, and let him find someone who loves him (and who he can trust).

bristolcities Thu 27-Dec-12 14:56:25

I have never needed any one to make me happy, I was single for a long time and ok with it. I did love him, or maybe it was lust, any way I don't know how I feel any more. I have never been in this possition, I was madly in love for the whole of my previous relationship, obsessivey so, si this has come as a shock

OhEmGee25 Thu 27-Dec-12 15:55:51

No offence but you sound very young and naive.

HisstletoeAndWhine Thu 27-Dec-12 16:01:10

You've been together 8m. He's your boyfriend.

You've made a mistake. Get out of the house, and end the relationship.

It's not fair on your boyfriend. He deserves better.

ShipwreckedUnderTheTree Thu 27-Dec-12 16:02:18

Moving in with someone after only 8 months seems abit full on.

HisstletoeAndWhine Thu 27-Dec-12 16:03:29

Oh and btw, I've been with MY boyf for 8m. There is not another man on earth I'd kiss. I'd not call him a DP though.

Why are you moving so fast? Why so desperate?

MrsJREwing Thu 27-Dec-12 16:03:40

Sort out your own home and leave this guy, you both deserve better, you do sound young. A cruel thing to do, move in with someone you know you have nothing in common with, sit up flirting with his mate all night then snogging and from the sounds of it having a fumble and stopping at intercourse.

Part of me is wondering what to do about his so called friend of his.

DontmindifIdo Thu 27-Dec-12 16:11:15

Deal with one thing at a time, end your relationship with your DP and find somewhere else to live.

Then, once dust is settled etc, if your current DP's friend feels the same way about you, then you could think about doing something about that. However, be warned, the sort of bloke who will snog his friend's girlfriend in his own house, isn't the sort of bloke that has high morals. you might have been having a crisis because you'd realised you'd moved in with someone who isn't right for you, he doesn't have that excuse, this is just who he is.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly Thu 27-Dec-12 16:15:00

Perhaps you should talk to your partner and tell him how you feel.

This is information he deserves to have, don't you think?

He then has the choice to make informed decisions. And you can decide what you want too.

bristolcities Thu 27-Dec-12 16:30:46

The thing is I payed deposit and month in advance, I can't kick him out, not right now. I want to support him

ShipwreckedUnderTheTree Thu 27-Dec-12 16:35:56

Why would you be kicking him out?

Why would you not be leaving?

MrsJREwing Thu 27-Dec-12 16:38:30

ahh here come the excuses.

bristolcities Thu 27-Dec-12 16:40:15

I have a son and I payed for the house. If I leave both my son and I will be homeless and I will be 15hundred pounds short. I do love him, I just do.t know if enough

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly Thu 27-Dec-12 16:43:01

so what do you want then?

VBisme Thu 27-Dec-12 16:44:41

You want to hope DPs "friend" hasn't already started boasting to his other mates - I think this decision may be taken out of your hands.

MrsJREwing Thu 27-Dec-12 16:46:00

You certainly don't respect him enough judging by your behaviour with his friend.

You moved your child in to a house with a man yoi barley know and have nothing in common with shock WTF? speaking as a lone parent in a previous ea relationship, that is not something I would do and I can't think of a reason why anyone else would.

Ask the guy to leave, keep away from his mate and concentrate on yourself and son.

Has nobody told you, do not move in with someone till you know them four seasons?

DontmindifIdo Thu 27-Dec-12 16:49:14

so it's your house really? Talk to your DP then, if you think your relationship needs to end, or take a break, tell him. Can you afford the rent on your own?

ShipwreckedUnderTheTree Thu 27-Dec-12 16:50:55

that is a pretty scummy thing to do...

Move in with a guy and THEN decide its wrong and invite him to move out...

You owe it to him to end it and you actually do owe it to him to move out.

The fact that you have to disrupt your child to do this may be something you should have thought about first really... sad

DontmindifIdo Thu 27-Dec-12 16:56:30

well, if you can afford the rent on your own and he can't (and it's you that paid the deposit etc), then realistically it should be him to move out, but there's not rush. Mind you, if his friend gets a fit of concious and tells him, there might be a rush on his side....

For future reference, your DS deserves better than you bringing a new father figure into his life without being 100% certain this is a 'forever' relationship.

LynetteScavo Thu 27-Dec-12 16:57:30

You've moved in with the bloke, not married him.

There could be 101 reasons why you realise this isn't the man for you after you move in together. As you say, living together has highlighted you have nothing in common.

Are both your names on the tenancy agreement?

I think you need to tell him you don't think you are in this for the long term, and see what he says. I'm guessing he will move out anyway.

bristolcities Thu 27-Dec-12 17:19:13

Tbh if that happens I would be totally gutted. I don't know if that has or should have any bearing on my decision.

bristolcities Thu 27-Dec-12 17:22:07

Our relationship had been up untill this point lovely, we don't fight and he is very supportive. I thought loving him would be enough....

bristolcities Thu 27-Dec-12 17:24:15

I can't hurt him like that right now. I know there is never a good time but now would be really really bad.

HisstletoeAndWhine Thu 27-Dec-12 17:29:05

It's 8m, you don't even know him enough to say a thing. trust me. Anyone who fights within the first year, shouldn't be together in the first place. So your comment of 'we don't fight' is meaningless.

Where is your duty of care to your DS? Why didn't you think this through?

You need to talk this through with this bloke today, and give him the information he needs to be able to make up his mind if he wants to stay with you or not.

Mutt Thu 27-Dec-12 17:31:27

Have I stumbled into Teensnet?

FGS you don't love anyone in this sorry scenario.

You moved yourself and your son in with someone you barely knew and then snogged his mate after "an amazing 4 hour chat" hmm

Do everyone a favour and tell the poor sucker you've moved in with that you've made a huge mistake.

Then think twice before treating anyone else so badly in the future. Consider your son if not yourself.

And grow up.

VBisme Thu 27-Dec-12 17:32:42

Have you spoken at all to his kissyface friend today? How the hell do you know the shit isn't about to hit the fan?

ShipwreckedUnderTheTree Thu 27-Dec-12 17:44:50

I really don't understand what you want.
Your posts keep contradicting themselves..

You don't love him, you do love him, you see no future, you want him to stay..

I Think it's because you seem to have no clue what you are doing.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly Thu 27-Dec-12 18:01:35

You may think you're being oh so nice and kind but I promise you he doesn't want to be with someone who loves him not quite enough to stop them sticking their tongue down his best mate's throat.

MrsJREwing Thu 27-Dec-12 19:11:05

I wouldn't want to live with someone either who found me uncompatable, who spent four hours in my living room flirting and snogging my mate when I lay sleeping in the bedroom next door, to be spoken about by the so called mate and g/f behind my back and left in the dark.

JustFabulous Thu 27-Dec-12 19:14:29

If you don't want to hurt him you should finish it with him.

meditrina Thu 27-Dec-12 19:18:41

You have two choices which you can make with integrity;

a) put the (probably worthless) man who is prepared to betray his friend utterly and totally out of your mind and commit fully to DP, or
B) leave DP

What you cannot do with a clear conscience is string DP along. Either commit or leave, anything else is unfair and dishonest towards him. The costs and admin burden of splitting will be less now than if you continue with an affair (or in the fullness of time, affairs) and reach this point with far greater animosity in future.

dequoisagitil Thu 27-Dec-12 19:24:31

You need to have things in common for a relationship to survive. It's better to call it off now than to carry on.

If your bf is having a bad time now, just at what point will it suddenly be ok to end it? There's never a good time.

You may be afraid of looking a cow by 'kicking him when he's down' - but then nearly falling into bed with his mate doesn't make you look particularly great either.

bristolcities Thu 27-Dec-12 19:25:26

I love him and have never said otherwise bit my actions probably read differently. Yes I am younge buy despite my actions am normally fairly intelligent and reasoned. This is my issue, I know that and nothing to do with my lovely boyfriend. It was serious almost straight away and has felt vert stable. I get on incredibly well with his so and him with mine. I just don't know if its enough. Fuck. I know lots of people are faithful but what if this is a wobbly and I throw something great away. Just to clarify, u was with ny xp for 6 years, my god it was hard bit I stuck it out, in no stupid child

MrsJREwing Thu 27-Dec-12 19:29:31

Are you going to leave or ask him to leave or waste his time and prevent him from finding a faithfull woman who has things in common with?

dequoisagitil Thu 27-Dec-12 19:29:37

Sticking relationships out is not what it's about. Maybe you're continuing on this path with your bf because of your desire to stick things out, cos it's what you know how to do. It's embarrassing to back out after you've just moved in, but fgs, don't hang in there when it's not right for you.

ShipwreckedUnderTheTree Thu 27-Dec-12 19:29:53 have said you don't love him:

I did love him, or maybe it was lust, any way I don't know how I feel any more. I have never been in this possition, I was madly in love for the whole of my previous relationship

'Did love'. Past tense. see, your posts contradict all over the place.

What exactly is it that you want??

bristolcities Thu 27-Dec-12 19:36:19

It's not about embarrassing my self its about noy hurting him. We could continue how we are now he would never know and would probably be happy.

dequoisagitil Thu 27-Dec-12 19:39:28

Balls. You're obsessing over his mate and have nothing in common with the guy.

VBisme Thu 27-Dec-12 19:39:37

Okay, so what is it about?

You sound immature to me, I hope that I've misunderstood and you haven't both got children?

dequoisagitil Thu 27-Dec-12 19:40:15

If you cared so much about not hurting him, you wouldn't be mooning over the mate.

JustFabulous Thu 27-Dec-12 19:43:53

You couldn't stay faithful for days, how are you going to do it for the rest of your life when you don't love him?

ShipwreckedUnderTheTree Thu 27-Dec-12 19:44:01

The title of the thread is not 'its not about embarrassing myself, it's about not hurting him'

What is it that you want, really??

MrsJREwing Thu 27-Dec-12 19:44:12

After cheating with his mate he will know, his inner voice will tell him, as you won't be able to not change your behaviour around each other. You are in danger of becoming an emotional abuser gaslighting him if he queries the change.

Let him find someone faithfull who loves him and has things in common with him.

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Thu 27-Dec-12 19:51:25

OK, so what about, telling DP (?) that you're unsure of how you feel, and see what he says, maybe he could move out and see how it goes then? I think you should be truthful with him, but if you're not going to do that, at least tell him, you are not 'happily loved up in your new love nest' like he thinks you are.
What worries me, is your apparent lack of any real thought to your son in all this?!! You move in with someone after 8 months very quick without children, let alone with, then you get off with a mate of his, in the same house, what would have happened if your BF had woke up? All hell, that's what.
You have a responsibility to your son, to not act like an idiot teenager, show some restraint give yourself time to work out what you want.
Sorry if that seems harsh, but I think you need a kick up the arse.

lalalonglegs Thu 27-Dec-12 19:56:32

God, the poor woman has only been with her boyfriend for 8 months, they're not married, they haven't got children together, she is (probably) quite young - I don't think snogging his friend is a terrible thing to do whether or not she decides to end her current relationship because of it. It's what an awful lot of us people do in their 20s. I'd be more worried that the OP has moved in with someone that she doesn't feel that much connection with and is now tying herself down because of it.

bristol - you don't deserve a roasting but you do deserve to live with someone you like and have something in common with. It really would be much better if you found your own place to live for your own sake, not your boyfriend's.

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Thu 27-Dec-12 19:57:41

No but she's got a child?!

Xenia Thu 27-Dec-12 20:04:58

Tell the partner you are not sure the relationship is going to last and then try to help him find somewhere else to live - I presume you can afford the rent on your own.

bristolcities Thu 27-Dec-12 20:27:39

Thankyou lala. I know how unlikely it must seem but I adore my son who has been described in nursery reports as emotionally stable and highly intelligent, I'm not stereotype tee. mum. I have taken my son to exhibits mist high earning middle class mothers would never dream off. He has not and will nit suffer. I don't want to hurt any one, but I know I have been incredibly stupid. And yes my boyf does deserve better. But I can make him shoot even if for the time being I'm not.

bristolcities Thu 27-Dec-12 20:28:16

Happy* not shoot, weird

dequoisagitil Thu 27-Dec-12 20:33:12

Thing is, you shouldn't be trying to make someone happy at your own expense - and more to the point, your dc's expense. It won't pan out long-term, and the disruption to your dc is worse after a long period with someone in the picture than if you get out sooner.

MrsJREwing Thu 27-Dec-12 20:36:31

You took him to statley homes and you moved him in with a man you barley know, have nothing in common with, cheated on and don't know if you love him.

Wheresmypopcorn Thu 27-Dec-12 20:39:02

Is this genuine?

bristolcities Thu 27-Dec-12 20:40:56

Yes this is genuine I have clearly made mistakes but I never set out to hurt anyone

dequoisagitil Thu 27-Dec-12 20:43:11

You can't say your dc won't suffer: if he becomes more attached to this man - and then bf finds out you're attracted to his mate and it all blows sky-high - or you realise later on you can't go on with it.

The relationships you have affect your ds, especially when you move in together.

This is not a reason to stick it out with this guy - it is a reason to make sure it's right and if it isn't, to get the hell out before you make it worse.

JustFabulous Thu 27-Dec-12 20:50:04


Taking your child to "exhibits" is irrelevant if his home life is a mess.

You sound very sneery.

Do you want to do the right thing or do you just want a man?

ShipwreckedUnderTheTree Thu 27-Dec-12 20:57:24

* I'm not stereotype tee. mum. I have taken my son to exhibits mist high earning middle class mothers would never dream off*


Dottiespots Thu 27-Dec-12 21:01:12

Have you spoken to the other man since this happened and may I ask how old you are.

Offred Thu 27-Dec-12 21:10:11

You're getting it the wrong way round. Nurseries shouldn't be relied upon to gauge emotional wellbeing IMHO and going to a whole load of exhibits and having a mother who believes in "sticking at" relationships through tough times and moves him into a home with someone she has only known 8 months and then immediately kisses his friend at the house warming... Ugh, this is a terrible and damaging combination of things for a child, exhibitions for a nursery age child are a bit of a waste of time, you should not have moved him in with this man you barely know, the quicker you put this right the better IMHO. You need to prioritise your son and not trying to stick at this relationship that you have already made a hash of. You've cheated with his close friend, this pretty much ends the relationship whatever you feel doesn't it because there will be fallout and you need it to happen as far away from your son as possible not in his home involving a man he should barely know.

dequoisagitil Thu 27-Dec-12 21:16:01

Offred x 2

Offred Thu 27-Dec-12 21:47:15

And I just want to add all people make stupid mistakes, parents included, being a good parent is not about having a high achieving child who has been exposed to culture, it is about being able to recognise what you do well and what you don't and being able to stand up, admit to and right the wrongs you do to your child (we all do) as soon as you realise you have gone wrong.

Dottiespots Fri 28-Dec-12 02:05:53

Bristol, we all make mistakes. I doubt that your bf friend wants a relationship with you though, he probably feels bad about what happened. Maybe talk to him and see what he says. If you want to make a go of it with your bf then agree to forget the kiss happened (it was only a drunken kiss after all) and move on. ~But if your not sure then you need to talk to bf and maybe he could move out for now to see how you both feel. Smiley face

Dottiespots Fri 28-Dec-12 02:06:21

why cant i get these bloody smiley things to work ffs

qazxc Fri 28-Dec-12 09:20:36

OP there is a saying "relationships are like farts, if you have to force them it's probably shit".
You do sound like you love him but are not in love with him. both of you deserve better or you will end up resenting each other and getting very bitter. It might be awkward splitting up or taking a break now but there wiull never be a good time and it will only get worse.
How do you feel about the friend now? you started the thread saying you had fallen for him and now seem to regard it as a drunken mistake.

HisstletoeAndWhine Fri 28-Dec-12 09:39:50

<pops in from the Stately Homes thread>

<sniggers at the irony>

Making a mistake is forgetting to put sugar in a coffee, forgetting to buy eggs at the supermarket.

It's not sticking your tongue down some random bloke's throat, when your supposed boyf is asleep. It's not teaching your DS that relationships are rushed, poorly thought out, dispensible, and that women are not to be trusted.

No amount of high brow culture will paper over that kind of humiliation. How is all of that preparing him to be a man? You have a massive responsibility here, and you don't seem to get it.

Back to the drawing board OP, end it, and spend some of that Exhibit Time looking at why you value yourself so little, and your DS even less.

You don't know this guy, he could be anyone, he could be harmful to you or your son, but you have no way of knowing if you dive headlong into a relationship without fully observing him for who he is, in all kinds of situations.

something2say Fri 28-Dec-12 12:40:34

It reads to me that the lass had her baby too young and didn't have time to mess about with men working out who she likes and what she is all about. Now she has a baby, it all has to be well thought out but it is not being so.

My advice op is this. Sadly you do have that baby now and you have forfeited your time to muck about with men, at least if you want to live with them. Can you afford the rent on your own? If so, move the man out and get a regularl reciprocal babysitting arrangement. You go out fri, she goes out sat. Use that time to have fun and that way you can keep it away from your son.

Moving in with a man you don't love is a recipe for disaster. Yes there are men who will take care if you etc but you have to love them madly for it to work and they you. Half way isn't going to stick. Don't mess about with people's heads, and yours and your child's.

I think you aren't in love with this man but have let him get too far into your life now and the is going to be fallout when it all comes to light.

If it is a bad job, the best way to sort it is to make an end of it, so the saying goes.

If you can't ask him to leave now, you are going to have to live with a secret for some time. When can you tell him?

OhEmGee25 Fri 28-Dec-12 15:08:11

How old is the OP and both blokes??

VBisme Fri 28-Dec-12 16:49:17

I'd guess at her being late teens and the blokes being early 20's.

WhoPutTheDickOnTheSnowman Sat 29-Dec-12 05:21:01

I think you have some work to do on yourself frankly.

Personally I don't care about your age, I'm also not listening to your protestations - what it says between the lines reads much more clearly.
You can be 15 or 50 and have the wisdom of Solomon (if not the experience) you can be 15 or 50 and be emotionally immature - emotional immaturity doesn't always come as a package either; you may have a solid work head, you may recognise your Bach from your Brahms but you sure as shit haven't made solid relationship choices in the best interests of yourself or your son.

You said your previous relationship was of 6 years duration, you loved 'obsessively' which is a telling word itself and now your actions - not what you are saying but what you have actually done - show an incredible lack of awareness of your self and situation. You moved in after 8 months start to finish, if it was just you then fine it's not the biggest commitmet to leave if it doesn't work. But you have a son, it's not about you any more it's about him - that's the deal when you have kids as you well know. Your bf bears as much of my scorn as he also has a child.
If you were writing this childless my response would be vastly different - it's really no big deal, you won't be the first or last to find out things weren't as you thought they would be.
But this is the honeymoon period and this has happened - it doesn't take a genius to see that this does not have the legs to stagger on. He deserves more - to have someone faithful to him that loves him completely; you deserve more than feeling guilty for behaviours you will assuredly perpetuate and your son deserves more.
You say you know you can make him happy even if you aren't at the moment - you've got your priorities ass backwards and I am confused by your refusal to consider what has been said. You may be 18 or you may be 42 but that doesn't make a jot of difference when you are behaving like a teen. It is your actions that determine life not what you say or think.

You may do well to answer some of the other questions on the thread that deal with introspection - I haven't seen that here, just a lot of wallpapering. You need to look deeper than the superficial feelings of guilt at betrayal - you acted badly, many do - but that isn't the issue here and that's what you need to address.

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