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The Brave Babes Battle Bus - New Year? So, Let's Go Up A Gear!

(1000 Posts)
ChristMouseTimeMistletoeNoWine Wed 26-Dec-12 21:54:45

Hello, tis me, Mouse (normally Mouseface but I'm wearing my festive name smile)

Welcome to the Brave Babes Battle Bus, to a place of solace, support and sanctuary, if that's what you seek of course. It's also a Bus full of bloomin' chatterboxes, waffling on about life, love and all things from school reports to laundry! grin

The journey into 2013 is going to be an ass kicking one as we're moving up a gear to give the WineWitch a bloody good slapping, and the BoozeBeast a kick in the bollo............. grin

Some of us drink in moderation, some of us drink. Some of us are sober, some of us are trying so very, very hard to be.

Some of us have been dry for days, weeks, months and some of us years...... some of us are just starting out and are scared of what stopping drinking means. It's not forever, it's just for today if that's what you want. smile

We have a saying on the Bus One Day At A Time. Or ODAAT

Take each moment, each day and each blip as it comes. The support on this Bus has kept me from ruining my life time and time again. The experiences of others shared here has helped me to change the way I see alcohol, the way I see what it does to me.

Although some Babes have been here a while and kind of 'know' each other, we all have different lives, different roles to play, different places to sit on the Bus, but we ALL have or have had abusive relationships with alcohol and we're here because we want that to change; for the better.

Everyone is welcome here so don't be afraid to just jump right in and say hi. Post as much or as little as you like!

So, come say hi, grab a seat, an eggnog (non alcoholic of course wink) and a mince pie, or chocolate chip cookie, and meet some lovely, genuine people who are just like YOU.

Also, HERE IS THE PREVIOUS THREAD with a link in the OP to the first ever thread, and the reason why after more than two and a half years, this thread is still here, supporting those in need. smile

ChristMouseTimeMistletoeNoWine Wed 26-Dec-12 21:58:26

And for now, we're over HERE UNTIL IT'S FULL

See you soon, here or there, Mouse xx

Hi brave babes. Want to wish everyone a merry christmas. Not been on for a while but usually lurking around. Was so proud of myself on Christmas day. Managed to only have a couple of drinks. Was able to sit and spend time with dc & nieces & nephews and play with them where normally I'd be getting rat arsed! Was sad to see how utterly pissed my dm got & felt really sorry for df who has to deal with her. I really don't want to end up there, I am scared that it's out of my control as when I look at my dm I see my alcoholic grandfather!
Anyway for now, today things are going well. I got up with my ds at 6am on Boxing Day & for the first time in 20 years I wasn't dying....it felt great. I had a really nice boxing day. Went to pick up car aty parents & drove to my pil's to get some stuff. Felt nice to be out & about.
Really hope all other brave babes area managing somehow to get through this really, really difficult time of year. Hope mouse you get some dry weather & can get your little one's out.

greeneyed Thu 27-Dec-12 22:11:14

Taking seat and admiring purple's new pants smile

greeneyed Thu 27-Dec-12 22:16:55

mouse this Christmas there are so many bugs about, don't know any family unscathed. Sis has just texted they have vomiting bug, we have spent the last three days with them. On the plus side if we come down with it tonight that's the inlaws definately cancelled smile

PurpleWolfe Thu 27-Dec-12 22:17:04

grin at Green! Taking a seat in my pants - and sod all else! grin

Strangely enough, I bought the DC novelty pants for Christmas - and the loved them!! DD got some Where's Wally pants and she thinks they are sooo cool! Missing my children tonight. sad

<Fiddling with the air con as it's a tad chilly in just pants!!>

PurpleWolfe Thu 27-Dec-12 22:17:41

they*

PurpleWolfe Thu 27-Dec-12 22:19:13

Green Cancel them anyway!! You are poorly! xxxxxx

greeneyed Thu 27-Dec-12 22:20:16

Passes purple a big girl onsie to get warm!

greeneyed Thu 27-Dec-12 22:22:07

I can't ds so looking forward to it as it's like Christmas day again for presents and they'll be desperate to see him.

greeneyed Thu 27-Dec-12 22:23:20

I'll hide in my room with some mystery illness if needs be - won't be sharing the details!

PurpleWolfe Thu 27-Dec-12 22:23:57

Hmmmmmm hmm This onsie Green, what does it look like?

greeneyed Thu 27-Dec-12 22:29:35

I'm figuring you are not a onsie kind of girl probably too glamarous! I really want one but I'm not allowed. Dh thinks it's going too far in terms of slobbishness!

PurpleWolfe Thu 27-Dec-12 22:35:12

Lolololololololol! Me?! Too glamorous!? Currently typing this in bed in my Mothercare nightie - complete with buttons down front for ease of breast feeding!! My youngest is 6!! Thanks Green, best laugh all day!! xxxxxxx

PS Grab pressies from in-laws, say "Sorry, we have the plague", quick shove, quickly shut the door! Job jobbed!! x

greeneyed Thu 27-Dec-12 22:42:25

Perhaps I could just get them to courier them up and just send back a video message smile right will try to get to sleep and hope tomorrow is better. Good night babes xx

venusandthechoirofangels Thu 27-Dec-12 22:56:02

Ooh, I've found you all (and those pants look very comfy purple). Just marking my place and wishing you a a deep and restorative sleep.

GoldenFrankincenseAndMyrrh Thu 27-Dec-12 23:44:52

<<nabs seat in sidecar>>

smile

kotinka Fri 28-Dec-12 00:45:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleWolfe Fri 28-Dec-12 00:52:13

Hey Koti, grumpy is what I'm dong best just now! xxxxx

venusandthechoirofangels Fri 28-Dec-12 09:17:42

Morning to babes whether they be grumpy, boingy, coughy, coldy, busy, dizzy or determined.

Today I will not be drinking. Anyone joining me?

Fairenuff Fri 28-Dec-12 10:13:35

I'll join you Venus, is it tonight you go out to meet your friend?

< passes round humbugs in recognition of those not feeling very merry right now >

Fairenuff Fri 28-Dec-12 10:16:10

PS - Who is actually driving the bus today? Haven't heard from Silver in Isinde in ages.

Any volunteers? My legs aren't long enough to reach those pedals and my eyesight aint what it used to be grin

Forrotor Fri 28-Dec-12 10:45:54

Hello, I wondered if you would mind me joining you? I started this www.mumsnet.com/Talk/general_health/1644114-Finally-admitting-I-have-a-drink-problem-Feel-sad-and-ashamed on Boxing Day and a few posters suggested your thread as a big help.

I have taken a look at a couple of your threads and they really gave me hope. I was feeling pretty lousy for the last couple of days, but have woken up today with a sense of determination.

Anyway, apologies if I am bulldozing my way in. My head is all over the place at the moment.

greeneyed Fri 28-Dec-12 11:15:59

Welcome forrotor I saw you thread, very glad you have come to join us - you are most welcome x

helpyourself Fri 28-Dec-12 11:24:37

Morning all.
Nice new thread. grin
All's well chez help- in that I'm happy and sober while all around me are melting in various post Christmas/ flu type lurgies. Off on holiday shortly (if I can get packed and the rest feel well enough to be driven) so won't be around for a week. Might be back with a bump as we're coming home early for my gland surgery- fingers crossed.
Love and HALT to you all.

greeneyed Fri 28-Dec-12 12:53:38

help have a lovely holiday and good luck with the surgery!
mouse forgot to say yesterday love the new thread intro.

Hope everyone is well today, peeling burning hell continues here. Saw another doc, doesn't know what it is, swabs not back till monday - I am basically being given treatment for everything, antifungals, antibiotics, antivirals. Not much sleep last night with pain and worry - have some aneasthetic cream now so hopefully will help - inlaws are coming - show must go on and all that - I'll just go in the garden every half hour and scream grin

Anyway thanks babes, needed to offload but enough of my nether regions, how is everyone today?

Forrotor don't be put off by my moaning by the way - we do talk about matters alcohol related usually not our sexual health! Hope you are okay today are you planning on drinking?

babyjane1 Fri 28-Dec-12 13:08:38

Hi babes, been lurking a while and have had another wine soaked Christmas, I feel bloated and disappointed in myself but I knew I had to hit my rock bottom before I could change, and today I have. Soooo today I will
Not drink, have been overdoing it for weeks and and it's visible
In every pore, I'm relieved!!! I'm really determined to really really try this time, my dh and dd are fed up with my behaviour
And so am I so please please please help me through the first few tough days and if anyone wants to join me, a detox partner would be great x x x

Hi Forrotor, welcome aboard the bus. I'm new to this too but have found lots of help & support aboard the bus. My situation sounds similar to yours, in that I don't drink all the time but when I do I binge & then always regret my behaviour. My 13 year old dd has told me many times that she hates what I'm like when drunk sad I'm also a crap mum to my 3 year old ds when in the cycle of drink/hangover & if I have big binge it takes me days to recover...I just feel life is too short for this destructive cycle. I went to Gp & then an alcohol drop in & was referred for counselling. I had a few sessions with alcohol counsellor & I've also been seeing a counsellor for anxiety. I've found it really helpful & I am really trying to stop binging & be more aware of how many drinks I have when drinking. Huge good luck to you & I hope you find help & support that works for you. Green your situation sounds so stressful, hope something is giving you some help. Maybe having the in-laws may in some way act as a distraction. Mouse sorry your children are so poorly, hope the nasty bugs go soon smile

babyjane1 Fri 28-Dec-12 14:10:02

forrotor and clutter how spooky, my dd is 13 and the other is 2 so I know exactly how you both feel. I hope we can help each other through this x x x x

aliasjoey Fri 28-Dec-12 14:12:49

welcome forrotor you will find loads of support and advice on here. and absolutely no judging.

green how are your ladybits today? hope you are feeling better soon

koti what's up hen? Christmas is always such a weird time, isn't it. you want to talk about it?

mouse your poor DD - there are some really nasty bugs going about right now

babyjane1 Fri 28-Dec-12 14:36:58

Hi koti so glad your back, I've missed you and koala your amazing success is an inspiration to all of us, I can't wait to be where you
Are now, keep posting the good stuff x x x

Hi babyjane would love to join you in getting healthier, feel so bloated & fed up. Been really over-indulging in food, drink, crap. Want to realistically lose 1 to 2 stones. Agree with mouse would be great to have a brave babes boot camp smile

dementedma Fri 28-Dec-12 16:04:25

Well here you all. Which one of you bastardsbabes drove off onto a new thread without me on board?
<looks round for indie>
I have just done a 40 minute fast walk and it damn near killed me but I am SO going to do this. Roll on dry January and Babe Boot camp. I am going to find the real me in 2013. I know I'm in there - like King Theoden in Lord of the Rings. The magic of sobriety will banish the fat, saggy, miserable alien that I have become, and draw out a slim, sober, kick ass me. Watch me go.....

PurpleWolfe Fri 28-Dec-12 16:15:15

You go, Ma! xxxxx

Whoo hoo MA that's fighting talk that is! With you babe, want to banish fat, miserable, drunk, hungover me! 2013 is going to be the year! smile

aliasjoey Fri 28-Dec-12 16:34:48

hmm... wondering if I should join the Babes Boot camp and get healthy, or if that would be A Step Too Far..

babyjane1 Fri 28-Dec-12 16:36:19

clutter and ma I am 100% committed to getting sober and fit, the good news is I am totally skint to have no money for wine or take away food but I pay my gym monthly so I will be able to use it anytime I want and take the kids swimming. I love my dd's more than anything and to make them proud of me and to be healthy and available to them all the time is my absolute priority, I love the idea of babe boot camp and if we all stick together we can kick ass, our own and each others,

alias you can do it, just little steps to start with. babyjane that sounds like such a good plan. I've been looking at a local gym that does a good rate for family membership & has a nice pool. My plan is to go in January & join up & banish junk & booze smile Have a party on Hogmany but going to try really hard not to drink too much then detox smile

dementedma Fri 28-Dec-12 16:51:33

Yay, fellow ass kickers! You don't need gyms if you can t afford one. I will be doing lots of walking, climbing the stairs at work instead of the lift, and hopefully some boot camp type exercises to tone up. I hate exercise classes, so will be doing this by myself, for myself.
And with the support of the ever fabulous babes!

KoalaKube Fri 28-Dec-12 17:58:15

Hello Ferrotor I only joined two weeks ago so still a new girl on the bus.
Welcome and take it a day at a time. My mantra has been from the first thread I WILL NOT BE DRINKING TODAY. It's worked for me so far - so good luck and take it easy on yourself - admitting to yourself that you want to change is the first and best step - don't worry about telling anyone else - just focus on you.

Duvet day for me today - DD2 out with friends and I'm just chillin!

KoalaKube Fri 28-Dec-12 18:06:55

BabyJane hello and sorry to hear that the last few days the wine witch has been tormenting you. Jump on the Bus and we'll all help you through your detox - remember your own advice to me and play the video forward and remember HALT - helped me enormously in the first few days after that it has been a surprisingly breezy ride - I have to check myself whenever I think that I have kicked the witch for 2 weeks and feel secure - but I know if I go back and take the first sip again it will all have been for nothing.

greeneyed Fri 28-Dec-12 18:12:25

Koala well done girl - amazing smile

Lostgirl27 Fri 28-Dec-12 18:14:15

Hi babes, I've been lurking for a loooong time and think I would like to hop on, quietly blush

Felt like utter rubbish the past few days, I'm not I'll or hungover just in a complete downer that I can't seem to kick sad my DS went to his grandparents on Wednesday and feel very lonely.

This is the first Christmas I've tried to have sober and it didn't work, I drank on Saturday and it fucked my head up for days. Life feels hopeless at the minute.

I love the sound of getting fit and eating healthy but I can't even motivate myself to get out of my jammies and have a wash sad

Apologies for the very depressing first post.

greeneyed Fri 28-Dec-12 18:15:56

Ma, I'm with you on the fitness kick! (Assuming the burning fanjo clears up, don't fancy star jumps at the moment!)

Well they are late but about to arrive - wish me luck with Christmas number 2! The meds -'m on are making me feel very sick so can't see me stomaching a drink!

Thinking of you baby x

greeneyed Fri 28-Dec-12 18:17:22

Welcome lostgirl glad you found us x

Lostgirl27 Fri 28-Dec-12 18:19:59

Thanks green smile

PurpleWolfe Fri 28-Dec-12 18:24:57

Lost Sending a huge hug - I know your pain. I was doing OK 'til Christmas hit. I knew it would be tough but didn't anticipate the strength of the slip-up. Am trying to get back on the bus, like lots of us. You are in a great pace to make the first steps. xxxxxx

Lostgirl27 Fri 28-Dec-12 18:27:19

Thanks purple. I find it so hard to talk about this in RL to real people, so very glad I've found this.

PurpleWolfe Fri 28-Dec-12 18:29:03

Green grin @ star jumps!!! Wishing your 'bits' a speedy recovery. xxxxxxx

PurpleWolfe Fri 28-Dec-12 18:36:29

Lost Nobody in my RL knows the pain this is causing me. It took me forever to even go to the Dr's. It's a nasty, evil secret that eats away at us and tries to keep us isolated from the rest of the world. This place is safe, supportive and no body wears judgemental pants Sweetpea. Take your seat on the bus, keep posting and feel the warmth from people who understand your problem and know how you are feeling. xxxxx

PurpleWolfe Fri 28-Dec-12 18:45:58

(An Aside; Thought Tasty Farmer had 'gone off the boil' and was soooooo good (Soma - you proud of me?!) and waited it out. So, today, 24 hours late (in my mind) he got back to me with a lovely e-mail. He's had man 'flu (which I think I gave him but haven't confessed!) and has felt shit. So, pleased to get a chatty, warm message....then.....5 mins later he sent me another mail with a photo of the puppy from yesterday! Cute!!! Heart melting time!!! Let him know I was free for the past couple of days and he hasn't suggested meeting up but I 'spose he has been ill) Still not sure how things will turn out but it's still 'alive' as of today.)

babyjane1 Fri 28-Dec-12 18:46:32

Thanks koala appreciate your words of wisdom, I'm really ready to try again and you are so right to be vigilant, I managed a whole week and felt
Different person and was convinced i had changed my mindset, yet after the first taste of the first glass, I was back to my old ways in a heartbeat. One day at a time is all we can do and you are doing it beatifully xxxx

Lostgirl27 Fri 28-Dec-12 18:51:56

Thanks so much xx

aliasjoey Fri 28-Dec-12 18:52:53

hell I was thinking i couldn't affOrd exercise until ma mentioned taking the stairs at work grin

Welcome aboard lostgirl so sorry that your having such a hard time. Big hugs for you smile

aliasjoey Fri 28-Dec-12 19:10:19

welcome lostgirl this is a hard time of year for many of us. I have abandoned myself to the wine witch tonight as a 'reward' for staying sober on boxing day. I know this will make getting back on the Bus 10 Times harder, but will cross that bridge when I come to it.

purple cute photos of puppies? AND all his own teeth? he sounds like a catch...

PurpleWolfe Fri 28-Dec-12 19:14:24

Yeah lovely Joey Yup, teeth and everything!!! Fell down the big black hole that is ALCOHOL this time last year too. Hoping that I can pull things back faster this time than last. Does anyone think that, if we start now, next Christmas won't be so feckin' difficult? Is it a 'time served' thing'? Who the hell knows! xxxx

dementedma Fri 28-Dec-12 19:22:35

Welcome to the new babes,this is a good place to be. joey when I am on a fitness kick,I even go to the loos on the next floor up to build in extra stair climbing. grin
But that is on a good day. Tonight I have had two mince pies for pudding!

SobaSoma Fri 28-Dec-12 19:54:14

Purple you go girl, yes I'm very proud of you. Relapsed big-time on Christmas Day and it's been downhill since then. Halfway through my second bottle last night I decided enough was enough and managed to catch an AA meeting. Sat there pissed and blubbing but left feeling much better.

DD hugely disappointed in me and has told me she doesn't want her friends to come round anymore in case I'm loaded sad Gotta stay stopped this time, there's no other way. I'll join you if I may Baby and all the others who've had enough.
Hugs to you all, old and new x

PurpleWolfe Fri 28-Dec-12 20:25:25

Feeling bad for you Soma. Having your DD comment must be the worst. For some crazy reason, I seem to be a 'functioning drunk' and, apart from being a bit louder than normal, appear to most people not to be drunk. My DD has only ever noticed that I was a little unsteady on my feet twice - and both times I talked her out of her suspicions (deep, deep, deep shame). It's not going to last and I sooooo don't want my children to suffer the same things I went through with my mother.

A quick question. Does anyone else have the thought, once they had bought their stash of alcohol, that this could be their last day on this earth? I do. My mother died of an overdose of anti-depressants after a 'heavy' night. Her notes show that she suffered from alcoholism for years. It seems she took a double dose of her meds one Friday night, after getting back from the pub, and due to her body's weakness, caused by continued alcohol abuse, she couldn't cope with the 'overdose'. I was 12.

So, some of us have fallen under the spell of the Wine Witch over Christmas but now, New Year approaching, we can gird our loins (no idea what that actually means but it sounds like 'the business'!!). We've fucked up but it's not the end of the world and we can get back to moderation/sobriety.

Well done Soma for getting yourself to an AA meeting. That was a really positive move on your part. Sending hugs, Sweetpea, lets all try together?

xxxxxxxxxx

PurpleWolfe Fri 28-Dec-12 20:35:32

Would like to quickly add that, in my view (there is no proof) the fact that my Mother took twice the dose of Mogadon was due to the fact she was off her face and may have forgotten taking the first lot. Her body was in such a bad state that it couldn't hold out against the double dose. I have the inquest notes and can only draw my own conclusions on some of it. She was a nurse and, in my opinion, if she had intended to take her own life, she would have known to take more that twice the dose. Who knows. Not me. Sorry to bring down the mood a bit - but - do you know what - this is what alcohol abuse leads to - and I still find it hard to quit?! xxxx

PurpleWolfe Fri 28-Dec-12 20:36:56

than*

PurpleWolfe Fri 28-Dec-12 20:53:41

Sorry, maybe I've posted too much sad x

aliasjoey Fri 28-Dec-12 21:07:00

purple it's okay, I reckon this time of year our thoughts become maudlin and turn to the past...

WineyAunt Fri 28-Dec-12 22:39:51

Marking place....u will do this shock

WineyAunt Fri 28-Dec-12 22:40:20

I

Lostgirl27 Fri 28-Dec-12 23:19:25

Oh my god purple, I was just talking tonight about how I used to pop a few extra anti depressants when I was pissed just for the shear hell of it!

On a lighter note, I also managed to get to a meeting tonight and feel a glimmer of hope again smile

I wish you all a restfull night xxxx

greeneyed Fri 28-Dec-12 23:59:59

purple so sorry to hear what happened to your mum. No wonder you question your mortality! Yes this drug is so seductive, how many of us have alcoholic parents? Have seen the damage. yet are still drawn like a moth to a flame.

kotinka Sat 29-Dec-12 01:29:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kotinka Sat 29-Dec-12 01:54:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleWolfe Sat 29-Dec-12 03:54:59

Thanks Green and Lost. Personally, my maternal Grandfather, my mother and two of my aunts all had unhealthy relationships with alcohol. My brother struggles too.

Koti Hugs to you, Lovely. Your post brought tears to my eyes.

Yes, my Mother's inability to cope with alcohol and her depression shaped my early years and still, at 50, is affecting me. She was frequently absent (either physically or emotionally), had severe memory problems, was often violent and her drinking often left me in dangerous or neglective situations. Also, I remember things like being given whiskey when my hamster died - I can't have been more than 8 or 9 years old! Unfortunately, the damage was compounded after she died. My aunt told me she had had leukaemia, was told she only had 6 months left to live so had decided to end it all with a bottle of Johnny Walker and meds. After she had been found dead, I had to go and live with my father and evil step mother (that is a WHOLE other fuck-up period that had nothing to do with alcohol!). I went from the sublime to the ridiculous - from London to North Wales!

Years later, when I approached the age I thought my mother was when she died (which was 47 - she was, in fact, 44 when she died. More mis-information) I started investigating. I didn't even know where she was buried as I couldn't face her funeral at the time and had run away - nobody could find me. 33 years later I found they still had her inquest notes and the autopsy papers too. From these I learnt that there was no leukaemia. It had been a lie. Bit of a shock when you've spent your life telling people that that's what your mother died of - even participating in raising funds for leukaemia research in her name (don't regret that bit but feel a bit of a fraud). I had spent so many years thinking that she had selfishly (sorry, but when you still feel 12 that's how if feels to a child) decided to end her life without making any provisions for me, or leaving me some sort of explanation, note or letter of love, that I felt she had abandoned me. For so many years I had a vision of her, tucked up in bed, warm, cosy, with her whiskey and pills saying to herself "Well, I can't be doing with this, I'm off. Fuck you, world". The reality was, she was found on the floor, 3 days after she had died. Not cosy, not warm, not smug. The police taped off the bedsit for nearly a week. As I mentioned, the things I learnt from her inquest notes (death = accidental not suicide) pointed to it being an accident. I tried to talk to my aunt about why she had told me the leukaemia story but she didn't want talk about it. She has since died of breast cancer last year. My brother doesn't want to hear about any of the stuff I've found out either. That's difficult.

Anyway, 33 years after she died, from what I can figure, she didn't just bugger off and leave me, abandon me - she made a mistake and it cost her her life. The year I found out, I managed to buy some flowers on Mother's Day in remembrance. I still haven't been to her grave - planning that for this summer.

Waaaay too much about me and I really should try and get back to sleep. I guess we all know Philip Larkin's poem about parents? I so wanted to prove him wrong. I'm doing better than either of my parents for my three - but not nearly as well as I'd hoped/planned.

Please, please, please be careful those with meds Babes.

Koti you know where I am. I'm here if you need me in your darker times. xxxxxxxxxx

Aw purple huge hugs for you. What a complete headfuck you've been put through all your life! So sorry for your loss & sounds such a tragic waste for your mum but it sounds like your a survivor. I have many times took double sleeping tablets when I've been pissed to make sure I sleep off all the alcohol. Have also messed about with anti-depressants when had too much, it's scary to think how close you could be to something awful happening. I really get how you must feel with all the unanswered questions & feelings of abandonment. My Dad committed suicide 10 years ago & it just leaves me with so many complex feelings.
My maternal grandfather was an alcoholic & looking after him put my gran into an early grave. My whole family have issues with drink & I now see my mum turning into my Granda. It scares me as I wonder is it inevitable that that's the way I will go?
I sometimes wish that we lived in a world where alcohol just didn't exist. Or that I was a normal drinker sad

helpyourself Sat 29-Dec-12 08:24:52

Purple Lost Soma and all the other BBs who struggled over Christmas:
I was weeks sober my first sober Christmas. It wasn't difficult, in fact it would have been really hard to drink as I was surrounded by peo

helpyourself Sat 29-Dec-12 08:29:00

Grr sorry.
Surrounded by people who had seen me at my worse, supported me and knew I was an alcoholic who could not drink and who wanted to get sober. I also got to loads of AA meetings.
Are you struggling alone? This bus is very supportive, but RL support is essential too.

SobaSoma Sat 29-Dec-12 09:40:17

Purple thank you for telling us your story - I can't really find the words to express how sad I feel for you but I think it's testament to the strength of the human spirit that you are here, beautiful and strong and being such a huge support to all of us. Your children have a wonderful mother smile I think I'm a functioning drunk too, no-one but DD can tell when I've had a drink (I just get animated too). She must have some sort of antenna for it. She went and stayed at a friend's last night (who was supposed to come here but DD didn't want that) and I'm nervous about seeing her today. But we've texted loads and she's been saying she loves me.

Clutter I'm so sorry about your dad and like you would love a world without alcohol or for me to be a normal drinker. Lost how was your meeting, have you considered doing the steps? I'm going to one at lunchtime and am on the look-out for a sponsor. I need the tools to keep me sober, to stay stopped (stopping isn't the problem). Help did AA help you?

Kot, Green, Alias, Winey, if we stick together we can do this, we've got to. And thank you lovely Mouse for the new thread, what a great title.

soba I know how you feel with your daughter. I have been awful to my dd when drunk & then feel such shame. I'm so glad we can text as think sometimes that holds us together. You sound like you are being so strong & the fact your dd is texting to say she loves you must mean you are being a wonderful mum. It's so hard bringing up children. My dd is 13 & I feel as though I have entered a minefield! My ds who is 3 is incredibly hard work & I feel I wish his life away until a time when he is easier to manage. I feel having wine/cider/alcohol makes me forget for a while how hard it all is but then I pay for it tenfold the next day so never ever worth it! Good luck with your meeting smile

helpyourself Sat 29-Dec-12 11:20:38

Soba help is a bit inadequate to describe AA.
It was the solution. It's not that things are easier in AA or that I got there quicker. It's the only reason I stopped and stayed stopped. I still go and cannot imagine not having the support.

ChristMouseTimeMistletoeNoWine Sat 29-Dec-12 12:46:00

Afternoon, tis me, Mouse

forrotor and clutter how spooky, my dd is 13 and the other is 2 - my DD is 14 in Feb and Nemo is 4 in May...... funny how you can let the elder one kind of get on with it when you're drinking, but your younger one needs you, much to your annoyance at times, well, if you're being very honest that is? It was for me at anyway blush

Welcome to Forrotor and Lost smile

Lost - I can't even motivate myself to get out of my jammies and have a wash - that's not unusual, and you're certainly not alone. You don't need to get dressed so your mind is telling you not to bother right now I guess? You've gone into CBA mode! wink

Why not set yourself small goals, little tasks, small, baby steps. In your own time. Write a list of two things you want to do today, or tomorrow. And then three and so on until you reach five tasks a day.

I'm not talking climbing Everest, I'm talking a shower. Dressing, shopping for food etc. The Basics xx

Purple - you are totally amazing. You have been through so much shit and yet you come back time and again to give the WineWitch a smack in the face each time she gets to you.

YOU CAN DO THIS.

Why? Because you want to change. Maybe you don't want to be your mother? I hope that's no upset you, I'm a bit clunky with words, what I mean is that you wouldn't want to cause those you love any pain or hurt like that would you? IMO, her overdose was accidental or certainly made to look that way. As you said, she was a nurse and would have known a much more 'effective' way (sorry sad) to end her life, than a double dose of Mogadon (SP?).

I know there are times when you could just stop it. Just put an end to the fight, an end to the pain YOU feel....... I hope you never do and I hope that you lean on us and those in RL who can and will support you the more that you let them.

I'm not saying you'll do it all today, or tomorrow but I bet when you read back to your very first posts in a few more weeks or a month or two, you'll wonder who it is you're reading about. I did. It shocked me.

You have our full and unconditional support, you know that don;t you? All the Babes here do. I'm so very sorry your mum left you at such a young age. I'd hate to think of what you went through when that happened, and I guess you still do at times. sad xxxx

Look at the you today though, you can't change what's happened but you CAN control what happens from here on in. You are worth the life you have, you just need to value it and yourself much, much more. Take good care xx

Soma - well done for getting to a meeting. That must have been so fricking hard, and hearing those words come from your DD's mouth. Your heart must be utterly breaking........ I'm so sorry. BUT you did something about it. You have to stop now. You have to stop now and stay stopped before any more damage is done and you know that. You've pretty much said so yourself. I think that you're putting yourself in her shoes. smile

Be brave Babe, stay and post. Let it out, the fear, the wobbles, the lot. LET IT OUT xx

Help - I'm glad you found a source to help you stop and stay stopped, I really am. Life is so much easier without the fugg of booze changing the view you see, the thoughts you think, the words you speak and hear.

Babes - please be gentle with yourselves, you get one chance at this; life. One. You maybe get one shot to be who you want to be, one shot to get where you want to get. BUT, those shots are sometimes short bursts that build into one big one and that happy ending you are hoping for. It's all in your control, all of it.

Some are long, winding journeys to get to where you want to be. Some are pieces that are gradually put together..... but the fact remains that you really only have one life and it's a precious one at that.

Lostgirl27 Sat 29-Dec-12 13:01:28

Purple what an awful lot you have to deal with on top of your own demons. At least you know the truth now, your mother was suffering but she didn't leave you, her death was accidental. Unfortunately I know myself that even the children we love so much can't keep us sober, it's an evil illness it really is.

I'm very glad I went to my meeting last night. I admitted out loud for the first time that I was alcoholic. I was crapping myself at speaking to be honest! Palms were sweating, I was nervous and looked at the floor but I done it, I said it out loud. I've been on this merry go round since may now, going to meetings then falling off the wagon, I've had enough. I need to do it the way AA suggests or it just won't work.

ChristMouseTimeMistletoeNoWine Sat 29-Dec-12 13:02:15

^They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.^

I love my two children dearly, I miss my triplet boys so very much, I often wonder what they'd be like now. And the others who never saw my face smiling down at them whilst I cradled them in my arms. Those who were planned and those who were not. (Long stories, far too upsetting for here and now)

BUT - I did get out as soon as I could, I left, got a job, car, house, and my independence. Not because of my parents, because of ME. I wanted to live my life under my rules. In my own time. In my own way. Do what I wanted.

Maybe if I'd have stayed longer, I'd have not fucked up as much as I did or put myself at risk so many times...... who knows? Did my parents split when I was 2 have something to do with my blue print? My father was shagging around, my mother drank.

All of my XPs have shagged around on me and I have drank. Or done drugs. I've been in very abusive relationships, and I've come out the other side as little bit smaller, a little bit quieter, a little bit smarter and stronger too.

Safe at last.

Loved at last.

But always with the tiny voice in the back of my mind that whispers 'What if DH leaves, what if it all becomes too much to cope with? My illness, Nemo, the shit that life throws our way. Will he leave me? Am I enough?'

That, I believe, is the aftermath of the abuse I have endured brought on by myself and by others. Life is precious but maybe Mr. Larkin has a point?

ChristMouseTimeMistletoeNoWine Sat 29-Dec-12 13:03:18

Sorry for the failed ^ not sure what happened there. And for the glib post.

I think I need to step back from the Netbook and perk up a bit!! xx

kotinka Sat 29-Dec-12 13:06:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

helpyourself Sat 29-Dec-12 13:29:45

Kotinka- do you really have the time to be shopping around for a 'Kotinka shaped' solution?

kotinka Sat 29-Dec-12 13:39:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

helpyourself Sat 29-Dec-12 13:53:18

And how successful is that?
I know I'm being blunt. But what you post worries me.
What's more important- your welfare, your children, your life itself, or your reputation and self image as an atheist? I can understand if you're Stephen Fry, but rejecting AA because you don't believe in God is a dangerous folly.

kotinka Sat 29-Dec-12 13:59:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kotinka Sat 29-Dec-12 14:02:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

helpyourself Sat 29-Dec-12 14:09:15

What I think really doesn't matter.
I'm just pointing out that you post about trying to control your drinking and feeling you've failed, and being unhappy. You also feel the only solution is not for you, and I'm encouraging you to reconsider.

mouse so sorry that you've had so much too cope with in your life. You sound like one amazing, brave, strong woman who has turned her life around for the better. I get what you mean that you can leave the older one to get on with it. Even when my dd was a little girl I could drink & let her get on with it as she was such a good little girl & when hungover I could put movies on for her & give her plates of food then go back to bed (what a lovely mummy) But my ds is a different kettle of fish, he needs me, craves me, wants me & if I'm hungover it's not a pleasant day for either of us. Do you still drink sometimes or are you completely sober? Well done for whatever way you manage. kotinka hope that your managing, sounds like things really stressful & difficult. Sounds bliss next year to just have Christmas whichever way would suit you smile

kotinka Sat 29-Dec-12 14:12:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChristMouseTimeMistletoeNoWine Sat 29-Dec-12 14:35:46

Re AA - I've never been nor wanted to go. Not even at the start. I dreaded the idea so much. Hated the thought of sharing face to face....... and the supposed religious side of it well, forget it, not my thing at all so Koti, I understand your points.

I have to say that my mindset has now changed. Not for me as such, but for others. The success stories on here thanks to AA have been great, life changing, amazing. Heart warming but also heart wrenching too.

Reading the emotion in the posts from those who have been, let everything out, unravelled years of pain, shame, hiding from themselves, what they have done to others to through drinking......

But I know I couldn't sit and share, or look anyone in the eye. However, I could probably now go to a meeting and just listen, not believe in the religious side, but maybe turn it around into my own version of a faith as such?

I can tell you all, here, who know me more than any room of strange alcoholics, absolutely everything about me and not bat an eyelid..... but until now, I couldn't do it in RL as such, in a meeting I mean.

Why?

Maybe because I can see past the religious stuff and see the faith in the people? The support? Does that make sense? I used to take Nemo to praise and play and say a prayer at the end of every session. He says at prayer at his C of E preschool. His favourite story is Noah and the Ark.....

I loved going to church as a child and listening to bible stories.... and yet I don't believe in God. Karma? yep, and boy, when I get my hands on him! grin

I believe in something, I guess I believe in human nature, support and kindness, the love others can give to make life seem okay for a while..... there's something isn't there? Something that we all have out there that makes us wonder 'why me?' or the like?

helpyourself Sat 29-Dec-12 14:39:27

Only s

helpyourself Sat 29-Dec-12 14:44:21

Only solution was a Freudian slip.

ChristMouseTimeMistletoeNoWine Sat 29-Dec-12 14:45:28

Clutter - I do drink, yes. But the difference is that I drink on my terms now. Does that make sense? I drink when I want to but I plan it. So, like tonight with it being our night (Saturday is like our date night grin), we'll have a nice dinner, and maybe have a glass of wine (DH will have the wine, I'll have a cider or glass of cava or ready made can of G&T so no home measures) with the meal.

I'm not interested in getting shit faced. I hate how I feel the next day, plus, I am on so much morphine, ibuprofen, tylex and diazepam, that I can't and shouldn't drink really. If I do have more than the odd glass or two, you'll find me passed out.

Like others have said, I used to take that extra anti depressant, morphine pill or whatever to get an additional boost to the boozing. Not anymore. Not because I'm 'cured' but because I've finally realised that I don't like it. Or who I am when I drink too much, and by too much, I mean more than a glass or two. I like to be in control of what I do.

My past life, being out of control, not knowing where I am, who I'm with (years we're talking) has scared the shit out of me quite frankly.... I have more responsibilities. Have have people who need me and count on ME. I like that smile

I'm aggressive or giggly but there's no guarantee which version of me will appear. It's just not worth it. smile xx

dementedma Sat 29-Dec-12 15:04:27

Lots of heavy and honest stuff today.to change the tone just a little, I am now opening the January Boot camp for registration. There are three pre-camp challenges to be undertaken if you are seriously up for it. Today, for the first time ever I bought some scales. I have tried on lots of clothes which don't fit, I have done horrible Matt Roberts fitness test - struggled to even come in at level 1 - and worked out my BMI. So, today's challenge is to post here, online, honestly, THREE things: 1) your current weight
2) your BMI - use an online converter to do it for you
3) What you want to weight by June 30th, six months hence.

Here I go:
I weigh 12 stone 6/78kg
My BMI is 27 which is overweight
By June 30th I will weigh 11 stone.

ChristMouseTimeMistletoeNoWine Sat 29-Dec-12 15:08:01

Right, time for clothing and make up, don't want to scare the shoppers so best get myself together!

So CBA to go out in the rain and wind. BLOODY WEATHER!!!! I want cold and crisp, not wet and windy. sad

Be back later to talk some more about me grin

Stay Brave Babes xxxx

Where you are now with your drinking mouse is where I want to be and where you have been is definitely places I have been in the past and not so distant! I'm not feeling so bad that me & little ds not long bathed & dressed. Happy shopping smile

Like the post MA and the determination. I am definitely in!

10 stone 10 ounces / 68 kgs
BMI 26.6 Overweight
By June 30th 9 stone 10 ounces

kotinka Sat 29-Dec-12 15:39:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dementedma Sat 29-Dec-12 15:40:00

Well done clutter am shock that your starting weight is below my target though! grin
Wonder who else is going to take the challenge?

dementedma Sat 29-Dec-12 15:40:58

kot do it.
Another step to changing your life.
Just do it.

aliasjoey Sat 29-Dec-12 15:56:45

oh God I did not sign up for healthy eating/dieting/losing weight! but the last few months I've been eating too much rubbish to reward myself for not drinking, so perhaps I need to join in...

I don't have any scales, and can't be bothered getting out the wii fit blush but I am going to make an effort. cutting out snacks and taking the stairs. after all what's the point in being sober if I'm too fat to enjoy it...

mouse thanks for another thoughtful and inspiring post. I hope your DD is feeling better, and you all have a lovely New year

But MA our BMI 's are almost the same so I'm a wee short (fat) ass! Hopefully not by June 30th tho! smile

babyjane1 Sat 29-Dec-12 16:39:13

Hi babes, can I just say reading through all these back stories of the lives we have lived, instead of any vibe of failure because we drink to much we should bloody well celebrate that we are all here, all sharing with each
Other and supporting each other through our struggles. I'm always wacking myself with a stick (metaphorically speaking) but I have suffered 23 years of very painful Crohn's disease which has taken from me my
Very hard worked for career, my marriage, my dignity and my looks, so ok I turned to wine for some comfort, maybe too much comfort but as I read this today, I can honestly say we are a group of very brave babes who have survived a whole load of shit and still care enough about ourselves and our kids to make our lives better, that must say something about each and every one of us !!!!' X x

babyjane1 Sat 29-Dec-12 16:40:22

Also I'm in the boot camp challenge, need to dust down my scales and will post later xxxx

SobaSoma Sat 29-Dec-12 17:04:03

I need to do it the way AA suggests or it just won't work Lost I agree. I've been in and out of the "rooms" too and never stayed long enough for it to really help. I want it to be different this time, I want to make a proper go of it and get better. My meeting earlier was good, when I arrived I was anxious and craving a drink. When I left I felt at peace and craved a cup of tea. It was busy and there were lots of people sharing, from all walks of life. I got something from each and every one of them and managed to share at the end too. I have lots of phone numbers and need to use them.

I do know it's not for everyone and I too have believed it wasn't for me. But I've run out of options now and have come to the conclusion that doing the steps properly is going to be the only thing that works. One thing's for certain; I'll never be able to drink in a controlled way so I need to let go of that dream.

Bingeing over Christmas has put on some extra unwanted pounds so I'll join boot camp please. I'd got down to a lovely weight before by not drinking and walking the dog but the muffin has reappeared. Would like to be 9st 10lbs by June (currently 10st 3lbs and BMI of 23) which isn't officially overweight but is too much for me. I've just put away the biscuit tin and will try and keep it shut! Have a good evening everyone, looking forward to watching Return of the King later - I love Tolkien. Oh yes, a question to you dog owners. Mine (JRT) is incessantly scratching and nibbling himself all over and I know he hasn't got fleas because I treat him regularly with Frontline and have just flea-combed him all over. Any ideas?

aliasjoey Sat 29-Dec-12 17:59:55

soma which flea treatment did you use? he could have mange and you can get an all-in-one treatment called stronghold

or he could have allergies and you will spend a fortune on special food and medication all to no avail <speaks from bitter experience>

isis he chewing any particular part of himself?

kotinka Sat 29-Dec-12 18:44:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

soba thought you meant your dog was called JRT after J R Tolkien!! Love The Lord of the Rings films, can't wait to see The Hobbit. Have a good Saturday night lovely babes, no booze for me tonight (I think!)

babyjane1 Sat 29-Dec-12 20:03:10

Was I just prattling on too much earlier, sorry if I did x x x

kotinka Sat 29-Dec-12 20:06:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleWolfe Sat 29-Dec-12 20:09:09

Brief 'pop in' - Lovely, intimate and insightful post mouse. Thank you. And thank you for posting the Philp Larkin poem too. My children can be such hard work but, ultimately, I think they have given me purpose to carry on, they have saved me. I can't have what happened to me happen to them.

Thank you all you lovely Babes for your help and support. Koti. Green, Joey Help, Lost, Ma, *Clutter and Soma and the other Babes, how amazing it has been to have help and support from you all.

Here's hoping for a fantastic 2013 for all of us. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Definitely not babyjane thought your post was spot on & so true with everything all the babes have been through yet we are all so hard on ourselves & beat ourselves up for not being a better person, better parent. We should all be proud, we are doing the best (sometimes) job we can & we all clearly love our kids.
Reading the Philip Larkin post I too feel that though my kids can be incredibly hard work I'm not sure what path I would have went down had I not had my dd as I was not on a good path & in very damaging relationship when I had her so do believe she gave me purpose & helped keep me on the straight and narrow (altho she does drive me insane) I'm almost going out to pick her up, so glad I've stayed off booze tonight & can go get her. We can do this lovely babes 2013 is going to be a good year xxxxxxxx

dementedma Sat 29-Dec-12 20:33:50

so we have me,clutter, baby and soba so far for boot camp.
alias sounds like you are up for it. You can be in charge of motivational songs.

PurpleWolfe Sat 29-Dec-12 20:34:13

Clutter (( ))

kotinka Sat 29-Dec-12 20:43:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChristMouseTimeMistletoeNoWine Sat 29-Dec-12 21:13:01

Evening, tis me, Mouse

I'm going to post my weight and then run (hobble in pain) off. grin

5ft 6inches

9st 10lbs

BMI = 21.9 which is normal.

Goal for 2013 - get some real help with my pain, maintain current weight and love myself enough to value ME. All of me, the good, the bad and the ugly. Survive what life throws my way, ODAAT and keep this Bus going. Because as much as you need me to keep posting new threads, I need the thread to be here for me too.

Let's do this Babes, whatever you goal may be, let's do it together. xx

Fairenuff Sat 29-Dec-12 21:15:41

Sign me up ma. Will post my stats later. Not going to start til 7 January though because that's when I'm back at work.

dementedma Sat 29-Dec-12 21:16:16

Well done kot - good for you for joining us. Everyone has their own target, their own methods...there will be a weekly VOLUNTARY check-in to report progress, ask for help etc. Its not a competition, more of a support group.

dementedma Sat 29-Dec-12 21:18:50

Yay mouse and faire
Think we'll need some healthy snacks for the bus boot campers.
Any suggestions?

aliasjoey Sat 29-Dec-12 21:21:58

ma I was just about to post that I can't join in yet, as I have eaten half of DDs Christmas selection box!

obrigada Sat 29-Dec-12 21:52:33

Count me in too Ma. Am 12st 10lb .. Target 11st by end of June

ChristMouseTimeMistletoeNoWine Sat 29-Dec-12 22:00:07

Healthy snacks = anything that is slow release carbs, low fat, high fibre, low sugar, natural sugar so fruit not cake, low salt (lots of fat free stuff has high salt and sugar so watch those labels) and keep it varied. High protein = less rumbley tummy etc.....

Nibbles in this house are stuff like carrot sticks already in the fridge, chunks of cheddar too, already cubed into small cubes and restricted, you can go onto the web and find shit loads of ideas, especially now.

Everyone has a diet plan they want to sell you, an exercise dvd that works.... most of the info is free, try the NHS website for a start smile

It's common sense really. Little and often if you are prone to pigging out, smaller plates to make your food look more, equal quantities of lean meats (no Ma, not that kind wink), dairy, etc.....

But the key for me has always been WATER! It flushes you out. And a good vitamin B complex supplement. Not cheap but it will help restore and repair all parts of your body that alcohol has damaged. That and Milk Thistle. And let's face it, if you were willing to buy the wine, but the healing stuff in it's place?!

venus is the lady for supplements and info like that.....

I need to go but will have a good think about foods, snacks and how I got back from well over 11 stone (in Jan/Feb this year) to where I am now and post about it.

Try Food Focus, it's free, takes a bit of effort logging your foods but once they're in, you can breeze through your day. It even counts housework as exercise! Who knew??

www.foodfocus.co.uk

Be Brave Babes and start as you mean to go on. Life is worth living, if you give it a chance through sober eyes and with a clear picture of what you want.

Mouse xx

dementedma Sat 29-Dec-12 22:18:45

obrigada you sound very similar to me. How tall are you?

obrigada Sat 29-Dec-12 22:54:04

Am 5ft 3 Ma.

I've got a party on Hogmany but going to start on 1st January, got an interview on 7th January so will be amazing to start detox & be feeling fresh for interview & first day back at work!! night night babes, hope your Saturday's have been ok xxxx

aliasjoey Sat 29-Dec-12 23:28:38

well I've been drinking quite a bit over the last few days (although less than the usual Christmas binges) but tonight I didn't fancy anything - even though there is wine in the house.

I can only think this is due to changing habits and the influence of the Bus. usually I would have drunk it whether I wanted to or not. however I've had quite a lot of chocolate and cheese instead...

soma did you figure out what was wrong with Alfie? some dogs can also get into silly habits when they're bored. have his walks been restricted because of the weather?

SobaSoma Sun 30-Dec-12 00:02:18

Thanks for the dog advice ladies. I did Frontline him a few days ago (use it once a month) and have never had trouble before. But I just gave him a bath and found lots of black things in the water which I reckon might be fleas. Bugger. Never mind, the good news I haven't had a drink today! Night night all x

alias I'm the same, didn't have a drink last night & feel it's the influence of the bus helping me to change habits. Normally would have had a few because it's a) it's Christmas b) I'm on holiday and c) it's Saturday night. So glad I didn't and was nice to be able to go pick my daughter up. Also to wake up now with toddler & not have headache!

dementedma Sun 30-Dec-12 09:55:06

well done ladies on the not drinking yesterday - wish I could say the same.
Think I have hotwired myself to quitting on Jan 1st so am not even trying these last few days.
this pissing weather is getting on my tits though - cabin fever setting in big time.....

Fairenuff Sun 30-Dec-12 10:14:51

A tip I picked up about fleas (not sure where, might have been here even). Anyway, put a shallow bowl of water on the floor, under a light if possible because it attracts fleas (the light, not the bowl). Leave it for a day or two and then check the bowl for fleas. They jump in and then can't get out, so it's a good flea trap. It won't get rid of them all but will let you know if you've got any.

Ma the weather is sending dh stir crazy too. Think he will be more that happy to get back to work on Wednesday.

hatingbooze Sun 30-Dec-12 10:40:46

Hello ladies

Namechanger here. Not the first time I've been on here, but the first time for a while.

I want to stop drinking. I can drink in a reasonable, moderate way. But it requires a lot of self discipline and I'm much more likely to 'give in' and get plastered. If I don't start drinking I'm OK but as soon as I have one I don't want to stop. I have blackouts sometimes, and feel suicidal with hangovers, it is torture.

If I don't drink I have more energy and am so much happier.

My dc are pre-teens, I've separated this year and I don't want to fuck up my life or theirs. I've just been reading that thread for adult children of alcoholic parents and it's so sad.

I think I need to stop completely but I don't want to call myself an alcoholic or go to AA. I just can't get into the stuff about God that it involves. I don't believe in a higher power.

I abstained for a couple of months earlier this year, just having one drink at a time occasionally but it's crept back up.

I worry people will thinking I'm boring if I don't drink. I get social anxiety and there is a lot of pressure to have a drink. But I mostly drink at home on my own - bottle of wine in the evenings.

I'm feeling very lonely when my dc are with their dad. I want to go out and get a social life but that seems to always involve drinking. I wish I could meet some others in my position.

Sorry for the long post; I hope you don't mind if I get on the bus today.

PurpleWolfe Sun 30-Dec-12 11:32:34

Hi Booze Welcome aboard. No judgey pants here, don't worry. My doctor told me that there is not point in assigning yourself a 'label'. You don't have to call yourself and alcoholic. You don't have to go to AA - it's not for everyone but seems to suit some. You do, by the sound of it, need to question your relationship with alcohol. If it's worrying you - then it's worrying.

Try not to worry about other drinkers thinking your are boring. TBH most of the time they won't notice (they'll be too pissed). If it's a problem, ask for a non-alcholic drink first because you are thirsty or on antibiotics etc. It's much easier not to do 'rounds' - that way you can buy a whiskey and coke - without the whiskey, a G & T without the G and so on. Nobody really asks, trust me.

I'm the same as you and feel very lonely when my DC are with their Dad every other weekend. My downfall is not going out but drinking by myself at home, in secret, like some awful, dirty secret. Stay on the thread and keep posting - we are all in your 'position', to varying degrees.

Sending a big hug. x

SobaSoma Sun 30-Dec-12 11:38:02

Don't worry Ma, 1st Jan is only the day after tomorrow. Faire will try the bowl of water, thanks. Think he might have tics actually and he has red patches from the irritation so taking him to the vet tomorrow. Pissed off that I spend a fortune on Frontline and it doesn't work.

It's really good to hear from you Hating, your relationship with booze is so similar to my own. I know about feeling lonely too as I'm divorced and DD is out a lot but I've tried to find a way of socialising that doesn't involve booze. OK maybe it's only meeting a friend for a coffee once a fortnight but it's better than getting plastered in the pub. I did find however that it was only when I admitted that I was an alcoholic that I could really start doing something about it but that's only me. And for me alcoholism means I'm often compelled to drink and can't always stop drinking once I've started (although I can sometimes). It's as simple as that. I don't have a problem saying I'm an alcoholic anymore, in a way it's a relief.

Anyway, please stick around, we're all different and are all trying to achieve sobriety/controlled drinking in various ways. And of course there are the inspirational babes who are always here to help those who are trying to get to where they are. I hope you know who you are smile

helpyourself Sun 30-Dec-12 11:43:41

I've been mulling this over for a while now, so here goes.

The 2 most important things in my life are my family and my sobriety. Neither of which benefit from my being on this thread- my family as I MN rather than interact with them and my sobriety because I am bored and angry with 'I drink too much/ I need to stop/ I'm trying moderating/ this isn't working/ I'm suicidal/ AA's too God for me'.

Bubble baths and mutual support and great, maybe it's all some of you need. Controlled drinking rarely works, I can't think of anyone who's gone from problem to controlled drinking.

Dependant drinking/ Alcoholism/ having no stop button is serious. It's the most important thing in your life if you post on this thread. You may not think it, but the fact that you're here and posting suggests that it's affecting your relationships and health. Nothing else really matters, does it?

So it would be nice to sign up with a cheery good luck, whatever you choose, hope I haven't upset anyone! But that's not the truth. I hope you do feel upset enough to take this seriously.

Stop chatting and stop drinking.

hatingbooze Sun 30-Dec-12 11:52:36

Thanks so much Purple. My kids are with their dad a lot more than every other weekend. I'm really struggling with accepting being a part time parent - permanently.

I drink at home mostly too. I actually fear going out because I know how it will end - me drunk, and terrible suicidal hangover and memory blanks the next day. I even feel drained with 'mild' hangovers.

I have hidden empty wine bottles in the kitchen cupboards so I can dispose of them discreetly later and jumped out of bed in the morning to remove an empty bottle and a wine-stained glass from the sitting room before the dc see it.

Do you drink when you have your kids or only when they are away?

I've always had a problem with drink. My dad has stopped drinking now (high blood pressure) but is an alcoholic. He didn't go to the pub but sat and pickled himself every night (strong cider and later,red wine). My mum hated it. He'd fall asleep in his chair and crawl up to bed in the small hours every night sad

kotinka Sun 30-Dec-12 11:54:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleWolfe Sun 30-Dec-12 11:58:10

I think, sometimes Help, people need something that isn't a sledge hammer and isn't a pat on the head. For me, this thread has provided a means of anonymously, honestly and safely talking though how I feel - something that's been very difficult for me in the past. I'm not OK, yet, but I'm better and I'm working my way towards being even better. For me the doctor and the alchol services have let me down in the past but, on here, someone is always listening. I can't do AA. I've tried but the 'higher-power' stuff isn't for me. I think it's about (pathetic - sometimes) me and the energy I can put in.

It is a serious subject but everyone needs to try and get to their goal in the way they can cope with. Some will sidle up to the problem and take a while to figure out what it is they need to achieve what they are comfortable with and some need to be signed into re-hab - and there are thousands of people in varying stages in between,

Wishing you well, Help and good luck with everything. And, by the way, I think you will have upset some people. Take care Sweepea. xxxxx

hatingbooze Sun 30-Dec-12 11:58:29

I liked your post helpyourself. But I don't want to chat as such. I want to tell someone about my problem drinking because I've got no one I am prepared to talk to about it in real life. And it's a guilty secret I need to tell someone. I already feel relieved that I posted here.

kotinka Sun 30-Dec-12 12:02:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff Sun 30-Dec-12 12:09:26

help you're not the first person to make that observation on this thread and, of course, it makes complete sense to you because that's where you are at the moment. But there are lots of others who feel differently and are having different experiences.

Yes, we all have a lot in common and can understand each other and the difficulties we face but we are also all so very different and what works for one, understandably might not work for another.

We take all the approaches and usually agree that one is not necessarily better than another. For some of us we just need to get through the day and, in that case, bubble baths and chit chat are absolute life savers.

Btw, you do know at least one person that's gone from problem to controlled because that's me. In the past I have mentioned that perhaps my time on the bus has run its course because I don't think I need it for my own sobriety anymore. I tend to hang out here because I enjoy the company and the continuing support smile

hatingbooze Sun 30-Dec-12 12:09:42

I think AA is a great idea in principle, but I absolutely fucking hate the God bit of it and I know it couldn't work for me.

Not making excuses not to go. I feel really sad that there isn't a place where you can go to meetings to stop drinking completely, be surrounded by other people in the same boat, get and give support.

But whenever I look at the twelve steps I cringe and just think 'no way'. I'd have to pretend to buy in and that wouldn't work would it?

I happy for (and envious of) people who it works for.

hatingbooze Sun 30-Dec-12 12:11:16

How did you do it Fairenuff? Sorry if it's already well documented, but I'm a newcomer.

PurpleWolfe Sun 30-Dec-12 12:12:48

Booze I'm ashamed to say, yes, I do drink when they are here. I have them about 90% of the time - an ALL the holidays as ExP is too busy working to do anything with them.

Oh, and you are not the only one who has hidden (empty and full) wine bottles round the house and felt the shame the next day. CONFESSION ALERT I've even told my children that the wine I've bough is non-alcoholic. Deep, deep shame.

If you read back a bit you'll see that I have rather a lot of alcoholic relatives - not an excuse but maybe it explains things a bit. Just means we need to dig deeper and try harder.

Stay on here - we don't judge (ignore recent posts) and someone will always be there to listen/help/slap you with a wet fish!

xxxx

Fairenuff Sun 30-Dec-12 12:22:08

Hi hatingbooze welcome to the bus smile

It took me a long time and a few false starts but I just slowly changed my drinking habits by following all the fab advice on this thread. I don't think I am/was addicted to booze but I had started to drink too much too often and it had crept up to an amount I wasn't happy with.

I started cutting back and used all the new strategies I was learning here to avoid that first drink. After a while, I began to make new habits and it wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be.

At first I couldn't stop. I was compelled to buy wine and drink it. I thought I was addicted and that I would always be like that. After a few sober days the fog started to lift and I realised how much better life without being drunk and/or hungover was.

But I don't have any other issues to deal with. For me, I think it was just habit and now I've broken it and am in control. Who knows, maybe that will prove to be wrong and I might one day have to stop drinking altogether. All I know is that, if that happens, fine. The idea doesn't scare me anymore.

PurpleWolfe Sun 30-Dec-12 12:30:22

Happy, sunny Sunday Faire and Koti! x

dementedma Sun 30-Dec-12 12:32:34

welcome booze - you will find more here than bubble baths and chatting hmm
You will find tips and techniques, sharing of experiences, honesty, laughter, friendship, support, support and more support. And you WILL begin to deal with your relationship with alcohol. It might be a quick turnaround, it maight take years - and I speak as someone who has been riding this here bus and sidecar for about two years, but who is about to attempt dry January in two days time because now I feel ready to do it.
You will meet truly inspirational women who will enrich your life in a myriad of ways and nobody, but nobody, wears judgy pants. I think purple is wearing big girls pants at the moment though.
REad the earlier threads inspired by the fabulous jesus, meet our resident wise woman venus (are you ok btw?), be nurtured by the truly wonderful mouse, ride the roofrack with faire, avoid sex with me and thurso (OMG that just sounded so WRONG!) and seek out the elusive indie who WE HAVEN'T HEARD FROM IN AGES.
Oh and there are so many more babes I havent name checked - soba silver Obrigada green alias (she has fleas) kotinka koala (now there's a woman who took on a challenge!)
Come and join these fabulous Babes and you will find so much more than chat!

PurpleWolfe Sun 30-Dec-12 12:37:15

Hey Mouse, are you a-lurkin'!? Ma Big pants? That's good, right!? xx

GoldenFrankincenseAndMyrrh Sun 30-Dec-12 12:54:21

Your way or the highway is it again help?
I feel this a bit too, tbh. If it upsets you when people don't take your advice, why give it? It's the nature of people not to take advice, unfortunately! If this thread is upsetting you or affecting your life negatively in any way, then you sound like a very strong and determined person... step away and nuture the things that are vital to you. smile

Soma my first thought was allergies, and that maybe flea/tick bites have set up a cycle of irritation? Were they identifiably fleas in the water? We use Advocate rather than frontline, because it protects against the awful lungworm.

Ma I am joining your January bootcamp. I don't usually make NY's resolutions but this year I'm going to make some changes. I'm going to namechange again, figure out my game plan and post my weight etc.

I know that there are only a few people on the thread that remember me/recognise me from when I was posting a lot back in the spring. I over shared a lot of personal (and sometimes traumatic) stuff, and then got a bit concerned about being so identifiable, after someone I knew in a professional capacity mentioned that they use MN. Anyway I've always been lurking and posting occasionally ever since, and I'm going to climb back on for a while. I've noticed lately how bloated and tired I look. My drinking has crept up again, especially over xmas, obviously. I accepted that I'd be a size 14 instead of 12, but now my 14 trousers are getting tight! At 4pm on boxing day, when DD was driving me nuts, I said, within her earshot "god I need a drink!". blush It's not the message I want her to absorb.

So, I'm in the sidecar as usual for the next few days, but then I'll be cutting down drastically (sorry help! grin) for the next few months.

Back later Babes. <<dons new guise>>

kotinka Sun 30-Dec-12 12:54:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aliasjoey Sun 30-Dec-12 12:59:20

fleas?! me?

well I've found the Bus so supportive and helpful, full of advice and tips like ODAAT and HALT

apart from anything just coming on here makes me stop and think every day, I am always on the alert...

Welcome hatingbooze I'm also pretty new to the bus. Jumped aboard in september after an all day wedding drinking wine which resulted in me trying to jump out of moving car on motorway being driven by 8 month pregnant wife of dh's work colleague because I wanted a cigarette!! sad Gave me big shock. This bus has provided me with support, coping strategies, togetherness. I don't feel an alcoholic but do feel when I drink I have a problem. Over the last 3 months this bus as well as counselling has helped me to manage my drinking. Maybe in the future if things get worse I may feel that the only option is complete sobriety but for the moment the support from the babes has helped me manage. Thank you amazing babes. smile

PurpleWolfe Sun 30-Dec-12 13:08:48

Half your luck Koti!! Wish I'd been avoiding 'sex for ages' - with anyone!! xx

hatingbooze Sun 30-Dec-12 13:10:00

I'm thinking of trying the Jason Vale book. I read 'The Juice Master' and liked his style. Has anyone else used this book? The reviews on Amazon are very positive.

kotinka Sun 30-Dec-12 13:17:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dementedma Sun 30-Dec-12 13:36:17

Sorry alias its soba who has fleas grin
Welcome to boot camp gold
We are SO going to get healthy and fit this year.
But don't worry - the boot camp will always be secondary to the alcohol battles, it's just a bit extra, not to sidetrack the bus or anything.

dementedma Sun 30-Dec-12 13:40:07

kot you should be so lucky! Thurso and I are very particular about who we offer our sexual favours to ...<eyes up MrMouse while mouse isn't around>

hatingbooze Sun 30-Dec-12 13:50:12

No kotinka I'm not trying to lose weight. I had a go at the Juice Master because I have the opposite problem. I can eat any old crap I like and I stay a size 8-10. I realise this some would see this as a 'nice' problem to have but it means I don't eat healthily. I look OK on the outside but I dread to think of the fur I probably have inside my arteries. If I'm drinking I eat really really badly too.

When I did the juicing thing I looked amazing. After a couple of weeks my eyes looked whiter, my skin glowed, my hair even looked shinier. I loved it but I didn't manage to keep it up, partly because it's a load of hassle not eating the same as your family (not that I feed my family a load of crap but kids aren't keen on things like sardines and raw spinach as a rule).

But I found the book really motivating.

I'd love to cut booze out of my life as it causes me so many problems.

And I quit the fags fourteen months ago after nearly twenty years on a pack a day, so perhaps I can stop drinking.

Everyone finds their own way of doing things. I know that for me, I need to stop seeing drink as something positive. Because although it really fucks up my life I still see it as a reward and I suppose I like the camaraderie of drinking (a lot of my friends drink a fair bit, though I'm always the one who gets the drunkest).

I think if I can stop seeing any positives I might be able to stop. This book sounds like it kind of re-educates you about it. He has a very motivating style of writing that really fires you up. It's also apparently different from the AA thing which I'm sure is not for me. But it advocates complete abstinence rather than controlled drinking. I haven't managed to maintain controlled drinking.

Here's a link:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Kick-Drink-Easily-Jason-Vale/dp/1845903900/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1356875239&sr=8-1

I'm going to try it and will post here to let you know how I get on.

hatingbooze Sun 30-Dec-12 13:58:14

I've just ordered it off his website it is cheaper than Amazon.

kotinka Sun 30-Dec-12 14:01:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChristMouseTimeMistletoeNoWine Sun 30-Dec-12 14:12:26

Afternoon, tis me, Mouse

Okay, I'm going to put my two penneth worth on here then go for a shower. This post is directed at Help.

Help - You said Bubble baths and mutual support and great, maybe it's all some of you need. Controlled drinking rarely works, I can't think of anyone who's gone from problem to controlled drinking

You also said - stop chatting and stop drinking, which I found a little disrespectful to those who have bared their souls and cried out for help, just to get it all out, just to ask for reasons from others here to stop themselves from picking up that first drink......

Reasurance. Kindness of strangers. A hug through the ether can make a huge difference if you can't get to an AA meeting, get to see a GP, get to a friend's house. Or even if you don't want to face the reality of what your life has become, not in person anyway. Not just yet. No-one knows who you are here, you can be yourself and not be punished or judged. It's always been that way and has to remain that way otherwise we'd never have new Babes wanting support would we?

For me, chatting about what makes me want to drink is a HUGE part of the reason that just for today, just for right now, I AM a controlled drinker. I think you need to accept that not everyone is going to want to go to AA. Not everyone is going to switch to Elderflower cordial, or a N&T (Nothing and Tonic for those who don't know Jesus's fave tipple grin), we're all so very different, even though we all have abusive relationships with alcohol.

I understand your frustration Help, but saying that you don't care if you upset people just to get them to sit up and listen is rather counter productive in my eyes. You've been so supportive in the past, and it's wonderful that AA has worked and remains to work for YOU.

This is a support thread, it always has been, no matter what your own circumstances or views. No matter how much you do or don't drink, or where you get RL help from or not, you're always welcome here.

That's the point..... everyone has a right to post here and talk about themselves, why they drink, what help they've tried and why, if the case is so, they don't want to go to AA/GP etc.

Some people have been to AA, some have tried it and just didn't like it. Some have tried medication and that's failed too. Some cold turkey, some just sheer 'fuck it, that's enough'

I think you need to let people get on with it. Just as you would anyone else..... you stand far enough back to let someone carve their way through their life, but stay close enough to catch them should they fall. smile

PurpleWolfe Sun 30-Dec-12 14:22:14

((( ))) Mouse xxxx

PurpleWolfe Sun 30-Dec-12 14:25:15

Oh, felt that wasn't enough so....... (((((( )))))) Mouse xxxxxxxxxx!

KoalaKube Sun 30-Dec-12 15:24:36

AfternoonBabes - I don't get involved in some of the discussions but wanted to give support to Help who has been a source of support and good advice on this and previous threads If we can't voice our opinions and thoughts here about booze then where, ? and that includes all our varying degrees and experience of our drinking problems.

It didn't matter to me when I first found Jesus's first thread that she drank more or less than me - just that her journey was one I wanted to emulate - I'd got to the point where I had had enough - that was all it took.

So let's all sit next to our favourite Bus Babes and continue whatever journey we are on at the moment. Help and Ma and BabyJ you're with me on the back seat - you know the one near the heater! Thanks for the last two weeks - you've kept me coming back here day after day - sober.

I'm off to an AA meeting tomorrow the first for over a week cos of christmas hols and looking forward to it. I'm an atheist and have no belief in a god figure so I'm not bothering with that aspect - at this point its not important to me. What is important is that I don't pick up a drink and I'll take support in RL from anywhere I can get it. The thing that got me through the door was that I was frightened, humiliated and ashamed and now I feel humble and thankful and hopeful for the first time in many a long year.

I'll keep posting MY experiences - because it helps me to remember and reaffirm my commitment and who knows it may help someone else in the future who finds this thread and keeps reading.

PurpleWolfe Sun 30-Dec-12 15:56:00

Just thinking that yes, everyone is entitled to their opinion but, imho, it needs to be tempered with sympathy and understanding and appropriate to that person. People, for the most part, are only on here because they are really struggling with life. Frightening people away from something that could see them though some really hard times can never be right.

Before this site, I was on a more 'serious' site. Their tag line was that it was a place for anyone who wanted to cut down/give up. After I'd been on there for a few weeks I left because there were a few 'hardliners' who told me if I wasn't going to go to AA, as they were pushing me to, I clearly wasn't really serious about giving up and wouldn't ever manage to be alcohol free. Who the fuck knows, they may still be right but their comments upset me and lead to me leaving the site - and a potential life-line. Here I am, four years later. I'm more hopeful now than ever before. Still in the sidecar, some good 'dry' weeks behind me and not feeling as hopeless as before. This is my very real experience.

FYI Not sure having favourites is a helpful notion either. Everyone on here has something, sometimes to offer all the Babes at varying times. Just saying.

Right, off to wash the target off my t-shirt.

Luffs you all! xxxxxxxx

kotinka Sun 30-Dec-12 16:31:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleWolfe Sun 30-Dec-12 16:36:51

Koti Put Mama Mia on whilst you are working!!! Do crazy Mum Dancing to it! That'll drive the WW away. xxxx

PurpleWolfe Sun 30-Dec-12 16:39:30

(And every one else!!!)

kotinka Sun 30-Dec-12 16:40:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleWolfe Sun 30-Dec-12 16:42:13

Oh, Koti I wish!!! xxxx

aliasjoey Sun 30-Dec-12 17:26:56

and we may not agree with everyones opinions, but who knows when somebody might make a point and change a little idea in our heads... it's always interesting reading different viewpoints

right, I've bought 2 mini bottles of wine instead of my usual small (500ml) bottle, which is good but not good enough and I know that in the new year I've got to get back on track.

also got zero fat yogurts and skimmed milk. I can't do much about meals as am a useless cook, and DH does most of the cooking. am going to concentrate on not snacking etc.

(((((( ))))))) purplewolf smile hope you got target mark of t-shirt

ChristMouseTimeMistletoeNoWine Sun 30-Dec-12 18:08:37

<realises that Purple and Koti are bloomin' bonkers grin>

Now then. A HUGE welcome to Hating, hello! Good to have you back on board the Bus smile I've read your posts nodding and thinking that I can relate to lots of what you say.

Nemo is being his usual ratty, not well so 'I'm going to shout and hit you mummy' self. DH is here so supporting me, I'm bad cop grin

Koala - Two weeks sober? Really? That has flown past smile. I love this bit you posted I'll keep posting MY experiences - because it helps me to remember and reaffirm my commitment and who knows it may help someone else in the future who finds this thread and keeps reading

Beef casserole in the oven, home made bread by DH, and a lovely Christmas pudding for afters grin

Tonight, DH and I are writing down all of the shit we have faced this last year, all of the things that have hurt us, people who we thought we friends who have actually turned out not to be for one reason or another, the financial worries, builders who fucked us over, hospitals who let us down, Nemo being ill all the time, DD being bullied, my own pain, DH working so hard, trying to keep the roof over our heads, life in general.

All of the bad stuff is going in the box and the box is being set alight. With a glass of Cava (left over from the other night) to toast the NY as we won't be here tomorrow to do it. The box will go up in flames, for good, forever. Goodbye box.

I think I'm ready to let go of so many demons, and a hell of a lot of that is down to the support if this thread. Your posts, all of your posts. Your experiences, wherever they come from.

It all helps, the words on this screen in front of me help me get through each and every day, knowing I'm not the only person with alcohol issues.

Faire - so you're a controlled drinker too, just like me!

Off to run a bath for fish boy (just for you that one Ma grin) but will try to come back later to see how you all are.

Stay safe Brave Babes xx

lookingforhope Sun 30-Dec-12 18:46:38

Hi again all. Been lurking for a bit but not wanting to join in ... As I knew I would drink over Xmas and felt weak and lame. I have had lots of social occasions - work do's, Christmas day out, meals out etc. Most of the time I was really moderate but slipped up last night at party of an old friend. There was flowing and big glasses and we were there ages cos had pre booked the taxi, and I ended up drunk. I didn't behave badly (at least I saw my pals this morning and they said nothing and dh was in a good mood with me) but dd was upset as I tripped up, then on the way home I threw up. Am so ashamed. Definitely want to join you for a booze free January boot camp. Have bought 30 day shred DVD anda low carb diet book. Am hating myself so much right now though : (

What a nice idea mouse and wishing you a much better 2013. My dd was getting bullied at school at end of last year & fake facebook pages made in her name. The whole experience was just awful, sad Hope situation improves for your dd.

ChristMouseTimeMistletoeNoWine Sun 30-Dec-12 19:45:31

Hope - keep a good hold of that memory. Use it. Keep it close to the fridge or wherever the wine is. It's how I learnt to stop embarrassing my DD. xxx

Clutter - it's horrid isn't it? Girls are nasty, spiteful bitches and are so harmful...... It's even worse when you can't get them to understand that you've been there. Massive hugs to you xx

dementedma Sun 30-Dec-12 19:47:18

Great idea mouse < wonders if can find box big enough to put dh in >
Fish boy always makes me smile, I picture the little stripey one splashing about happily.
Right pre-bootcamp challenge for today..... Go through your clothes and find a few things that don't fit anymore. I have found EIGHT pairs of trousers- EIGHT! - that I can't fasten. I have chosen four and made four labels written with target 1, target 2 etc and pinned the labels on.these will be my tests and measures, not just weight.
So - go choose an item or items and label it......you will have something tangible to go for.

aliasjoey Sun 30-Dec-12 20:17:08

ggoodness ma you sound so determined and positive! am liking it grin

I can't join in as I'm on the Christmas sherry, really wish it wasn't here, but think it would be too wasteful to throw away the whole bottle

aliasjoey Sun 30-Dec-12 20:19:19

okay I've thrown away what was left in my glass and put the kettle on to make some tea. it's a start.

kotinka Sun 30-Dec-12 20:23:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kotinka Sun 30-Dec-12 20:23:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kotinka Sun 30-Dec-12 20:26:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hatingbooze Sun 30-Dec-12 20:30:26

Thanks for the welcome Mouse.

Love your box idea. Not sure I could find a big enough box for my 2012 horrors. A skip might be more in order smile

ChristMouseTimeMistletoeNoWine Sun 30-Dec-12 20:31:05

Ma - the box is FULL! I just had to do it, we've been through so much this year. I know that there are people out there with so much more pain, so much more worry, so much more to deal with....... A fresh start is just what the doctor ordered.

You can get cardboard coffins can't you? I was thinking for your DH? wink grin

I can't go through my wardrobe like that, my clothes are too big.......<ducks> but I can get rid of past shit..... so anything at all connected to my XP. I have a few things, jewellery that I found, notes tucked in books I've not read in years... they are going to the charity shops.

My goal is to eat well, more in fact. I actually ate all of my beef casserole tonight where normally, it would've gone in the bin after cooking it. Even DD had some! shock

Joey - well done you!!! Great start, no matter how big or small, it's a start. And why not now? Go you xx

Right, box burning time. xx

PurpleWolfe Sun 30-Dec-12 20:49:27

Good grief! Have just seen the anti-smoking ad with the tumour growing in the cigarette. It's horrible! Feel a bit queasy now. sad So glad I never took smoking up.

lookingforhope Sun 30-Dec-12 20:53:59

Thanks Mouse and Koti. So upset with myself at the moment, appreciate your comments. I had a lovely Christmas, I have lovely friends and wonderful kids, why am I so stupid? I really need to grow up (at 45!). I am gonna write a little post on Here every day in January to keep myself focused, so apologies in advance if I bore u all to death! You guys are doing so well - I think I get complacent after a few weeks of moderation and let my guard down. Kids and dh have forgiven me & are watching tv with me, but I can't even look at myself in the mirror right now. This is not the worst thing I have done by a long way, but each let down hurts more these days as I know I am running out of excuses, even to myself.

kotinka Sun 30-Dec-12 21:02:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aliasjoey Sun 30-Dec-12 21:09:19

well I've found myself a great little tip, it is herbal tea. I have used this technique several times, and it works brilliantly. I cannot find a non-alcoholic alternative that I like, non-fizzy and non-citrusy. J2O did a delicious apple and melon flavour but they stopped making it. Really all I drink is water instead.

Anyway I have found that if I want to start drinking, I say 'have a cup of tea first'. By the time its boiled, and tea brewed etc. the urge has often gone away.

And if, as now, I started drinking early and realised I was heading for the bottom of the sherry bottle, it helps to put the brakes on. Theres just something about the little ritual of making a cup of tea which gives me a wee pause.

mouse <holds fire extinguisher ready>

lookingforhope Sun 30-Dec-12 21:18:22

Thanks Koti. Think I need to abstain in January actually. I find it hard to admit to people in RL that I need to stop, but it is acceptable in January, and I can say I am on a diet from Jan 7th (have 3 meals out booked before then but driving for 2 of them and with very moderate drinkers for 3rd so will be ok. Just NYE party hurdle left - may offer to drive or promise dh to only have 2 glasses wine as he will watch me then .... Thing is he didn't even get cross with me last night and told dh that everyone 'lets their hair down at Xmas'. Not many of them vomit in their hair the day after though.

lookingforhope Sun 30-Dec-12 21:20:28

He told dd I mean. She hates booze much she left.a note for Santa about drink driving after I left him a Bailey's!

ChristMouseTimeMistletoeNoWine Sun 30-Dec-12 21:34:13

Hope - that has made me rofl!! Santa D&D! Can you imagine the press?

"In shocking news, it was discovered last night that Santa is in fact a drinker! shock For years it was thought he just made the brandy, whiskey, baileys etc just magically vanish and he only ever drank the milk.... not so!"

"Children all over the world are in pieces after learning that Santa is in fact human and occasionally needs a drink after dealing with millions of elves, passport control, a huge clean up operation with all of the discarded gift wrap....."

"Our reporter at the North Pole tells us that Santa is in fact in hiding after getting pulled over for drink driving, unsure of his future......"

Joking aside, we are Santa, we are that important to our DCs and we must keep their safety at the forefront of our minds. We have to take this seriously, we have to protect them from our demons and our undoing when we can. xx

lookingforhope Sun 30-Dec-12 21:49:22

I know Mouse. That is why I feel so bad. Your Santa news report made me smile though x

dementedma Sun 30-Dec-12 21:56:04

Pissing myself laughing at kot pinning a note on the wardrobe and at * mouse's* cardboard coffin.
Well, tomorrow is the last day....feel excited and apprehensive. Babes I am really going to need your support if I am going to do this. I find it almost impossible to have an AF day let alone a month!
Did anyone read the article in the Mail today about middle aged women and drinking.... apparently some are drinking more than 8 or 9 units a week!shock. Tomorrow, for my third and final pre-boot camp challenge, I will post my weekly units. <gulp>

KoalaKube Sun 30-Dec-12 22:45:28

Hi Babes even though Im not doing the bootcamp challenge (want to concentrate on one thing at a time) I did look at the drinkaware site - just to see what my units/calories were on a daily basis.

Oh my god shocking so here goes Ma I'll start it off

Units per day 25 or 175 per week
Calories per day 1890 or 13,230 per week

Is it any wonder Santa has such a big belly and a red nose to challenge Rudolf.

lookingforhope Sun 30-Dec-12 22:49:36

Good luck Ma.

PurpleWolfe Sun 30-Dec-12 22:57:22

Baby Watcha doin'? x

ChristMouseTimeMistletoeNoWine Sun 30-Dec-12 22:58:55

We have burned the Box. All the shit that we've dealt with, has gone. Forever.

Ma - you have been on this Bus for long enough to know that we will be right by your side. I mean, right by your side Mrs.

Every step, every minute, hour, day is yours if you need it. Just yell.

You're not doing this alone, even though I have a Birthday celebration, and a girls' night out, I'll be holding your hand.

YOU CAN DO THIS MA xxxx

<gets in car, drives up north and smuggles Ma's DH into a sack, gaffer tapes his mouth, arms and legs and hides him in a cupboard somewhere far, far, far, far away until February 1st>

Night all xxxx

PurpleWolfe Sun 30-Dec-12 23:02:21

grin @ Mouse! xx

thursnow Sun 30-Dec-12 23:46:09

Ok I've missed the last few days... who am I am sexing it up with Ma, Kot grin
All quiet on the southern front here, for once, nearly bed time (with Dh :0)
xxx
Have peaceful nights babes xxxxxxxxx

Good luck babes with all that your hoping for today, tonight, new year! I have 5 pairs of trousers that no longer do up so am left with only one pair for work that fits. Have them as my goal. I'm going to a Hogmany party tonight that I've been roped into & not really wanting to go. Got a new years day dinner at my parents tomorrow and really want to go to that so going to try really hard not to overdo it tonight. Definitely no wine & I'm going to pre-book taxi so not lots of waiting about where it's so easy to have that next drink. Good luck babes for tonight smile

greeneyed Mon 31-Dec-12 09:34:43

Good morning babes! I have been lurking and reading when I can, haven't been able to post for last couple of days - As always I am inspired and humbled to read all your posts. Thread has moved on too much for me to comment personally to you all right now but have some stuff to say I'll hopefully be able to come back later.

Update on burning fanjo hell (sorry new babes!) it's getting better, saw doc today swab results are back, it's a strep skin infection not STI - thank God - huge sense of relief and I am no longer sitting in a darkened room with my pants down crying grin

In-laws have gone now so that's Christmas finally over, just New Year to get through now - I'm so tired and we actually have a baby sitter tonight for the first time in years so are going to the pub. Will drink but hope not to overdo it then Ma I'm with you - I'll post my stats later when I build up the courage to get on the scales! Love to all - Keep on keeping on and best of luck in keeping to your aims this evening xx

Oh and help I'm sorry to see you go, I like your advice and tough talking but understand if this space isn't good for you anymore, thank you for your help in the past and best wishes x

dementedma Mon 31-Dec-12 10:06:21

grin at mouse. and what makes you think I want him back on Feb 1st?
koala you are one brave bear, lady, and will be inspiring me when I wobble
clutter well done on the trouser count - looks like you and me are going to have whole new wardrobes later in the year.
Okay weekly units for me have been, on average, 45 ish.

aliasjoey Mon 31-Dec-12 10:48:43

ah units I can do!

At the moment, when its controlled, 3-4 units a week.

But sometimes its not controlled and that amount is several times a week. In the last week it was every day except Boxing Day. And once I get started, its hard to stop.

Okay the sherry. Told DH I did not like having it in the house. 'My' wine I can cope with - extra stuff just lying around is too tempting. Should I throw it away? My inner miserly Scot rebels at the thought of pouring it all down the sink. There's probably about 2/3 of the bottle left.

Right, I'm feeling like crap today but trying to recapture the determination and optimism I felt yesterday about making some positive changes for 2013.

Please Ma may I join your bootcamp? grin
I'm 5'8 (almost) and I just weighed in at 12st 7lbs. That's the heaviest I've ever been, by quite a bit. blush I cringe when I see photos of myself - dull skin, bloated face, lines settling in, double chin. sad I'm not even 40 (that joy is to come this year) yet, and I look like a middle aged lush. I decided to embrace my curves a couple of months ago and wear size 14 (I still go in and out at the right places, at least), but I'm just getting bigger, heavier and unhealthier by the month.

I cut down my drinking a lot earlier in the year but it's crept back up again over the months. I don't want to abstain entirely, never have, but I'm drinking too much again and I need to cut back.

So, my plan for January and February is no white wine at all (bar one occasion when I intend to have some bubbly), and red wine in moderation at weekends only. So no wine at all Mon-Thurs. I'm starting that on Jan 2nd. Plan for food is to be low GI and some low-carb. I need to do the exercises the physio gave me for my back, as I've been getting lax about that again. The extra weight doesn't help my back either. Lots of walking the dog, some light weights on the exercise ball to tone up.

Motivation is a trip to Italy in March for which we desperately need to save some money, and being able to feel a bit better about myself in the land of beautiful people! grin

<<settles back into sidecar, eyes roof rack hopefully>>

kotinka Mon 31-Dec-12 11:35:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kotinka Mon 31-Dec-12 11:35:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aliasjoey Mon 31-Dec-12 11:36:20

hello mia that sounds like a great plan!

aliasjoey Mon 31-Dec-12 11:37:54

kotinka that is a good idea, would that work? it might also inspire me to actually cook properly grin

ChristMouseTimeMistletoeNoWine Mon 31-Dec-12 11:39:00

Morning, tis me, Mouse

Mia - great name change! And yay for another Boot Campee grin That sounds a bit erm, camp doesn't it? 'Campee?' grin

Help - have you left the Bus? I'm sorry to see you go if that's the case, I too have held your advice in high regard. A difference of opinion is always going to happen between a group of people all sharing the same space. I'm sad to think that has made you or any Babe leave this Bus. sad

Greeny - glad your lady front garden is much better! You must be very relieved that it's not an STI. Are you going to tell DH about it now and how you felt? You worries? xx

Ma - tell me when you want him back, I have a need for a slave to scrub this house cleaner, I can't do it because of my back and hips. In return, I'll let him live. Fair deal? grin

Koala - I like your posts, very positive and strong! Great to see smile

Joey - planning is the key for me, I hope it works for you too xx

Right, I'm off to pack. We're off to our usual NY celebrations with friends. I love NY with them, a bit of Jules Holland and fizz, then bed at 12.01am.

I'll check in again later. Good luck today Babes, you can do it! xx

PS - Obrigada, Silver, IsinDe, MsGee, SAF and all other MIA Babes, please just pop in to say hi if you get chance

SobaSoma Mon 31-Dec-12 11:45:15

NYNM love the new name (you were Golden right?). You don't look remotely like a middle-aged lush, that's my department smile I think it's a great idea to embrace one's curves, I try to do the same but definitely know that if a windfall of a few grand came my way, the absolutely first thing I'd spend it on is a breast reduction. Joey how could anyone think it was you who had fleas? I just took Alfie to the vet and they reckon it's an allergic skin condition and have prescribed medication (and charged me nearly £90 for the privilege). Thank God I've got insurance.

On day 4 and struggling a bit but need to keep coming back to the fact that I can't drink. Think this is making me feel a bit lonely and sad because I've always used alcohol as a crutch. One of the biggest issues I have is coming to terms with never having been in a lasting, loving relationship. I thought I'd sorted this in my head but it's obvious I haven't; am dreaming every night about exes and new relationships. It's all a bit sad at my age isn't it? Think I need to branch out too and make some new friends/develop interests. Hoping I can finally lay it to rest, without the aid of alcohol, in 2013. Sorry for the me-me post, hope everyone's doing something nice tonight and catch you later xx

aliasjoey Mon 31-Dec-12 12:05:42

hmmm apparently you can't really freeze sherry, the alcohol content is too high. Quote>> The higher the alcohol content that more difficult to freeze.
Plus there's no real reason to freeze sherry. It lasts for a very long time in the bottle stored in a cool place. >> clearly not an alcoholic who wrote that. 'No real reason' !! obviously written by a smug sober person envy

soma what medication did the vet prescribe? is there any particular part of his body that he is chewing or scratching? Did they scrape for mange?

Greyhound Mon 31-Dec-12 13:35:16

Hi babes - well, I'm reading through this thread but just thought I'd say "HI!".

Drinking still over Xmas but didn't get pissed. Have actually found a wine so disgusting that even I had to chuck it - Three Mills English Red Wine. It is vile stuff.

Somebody gave me a bottle of fortified red wine with chocolate essence - icky! Haven't opened the bottle and don't plan to either.

Bought some champagne for Christmas Day. It was a nice treat and I shared it with dh who doesn't normally drink.

Hoping everyone is ok, sounds like some of you are having a hard time at the moment sad

dementedma Mon 31-Dec-12 15:38:09

Hi mia welcome to Boot Camp. You are almost identical to me in height and weight but I am a flubbery 16 rather than a curvy 14.
I went for a walk today in the pissing rain and came back energised, then made the mistake of measuring the bit where my waist used to be. OMFG1!
Of all the pre-bootcamp tests and stats, that one made me cry a little bit. It now seems such a big job...however, that's 4 walks this week and I am due on so might be a little bloated <hopeful emoticon>
DD2 has gone to Glasgow to sing tonight on the BBC Hogmanay show. well, with a choir, not alone, but still! She got a real kick out of saying "Just off to the Beeb for rehearsals for the show tonight!" grin So did I...stealth boast or what?
horse if you are out there, dust those pompoms off. We need you for Dry January.

guggenheim Mon 31-Dec-12 15:42:18

hello lovely babes

Blimey this bus shifts fast! Fleas,bootcamp,sore bits,freezing booze,burning boxes...

I love the new year- a lovely, shiny new beginning. I tried to persuade DH to do the box burning ritual, what a fab idea, but no joy there. mouse I think I may have to steal your idea.smile

Right, well I'm fat, fat ,fat. I need to stop drinking and stop eating all that chocolate. I'm going to start jogging again and when I have a proper job I will join the gym again.

I'm 5 foot and '3/4 inches'. The 3/4 is vital, otherwise I would be short. ahem.
I'm 9 stone something (no scales, will buy some soon)
By june I will be 8 1/2 stone.
All of my trousers are tight and my best pair need to be packed away until I lose some weight, can't afford new clothes now.

I'd like to lose more than half a stone but at least that would be a good start. I need to stop drinking first, and this time I need to stop, not cut down. This is the least boozy crimbo I've had for years but I'm still drinking. Enough now.

Big wave to new babes and best wishes- you're in a very safe place here.

guggenheim Mon 31-Dec-12 15:43:33

no, no- I'm taller than that- I'm 5 foot 2 AND 3/4 inches. Still fat tho.

shaketheshame Mon 31-Dec-12 16:36:55

Hi everyone,

I hope you'll have all a great new year eve party. I have been following this thread even if I haven't been an active poster. I have until couple of weeks ago I was having a rough time. I think the reason was I was quite depressed again as I couldn't go for runs due to an injury, I'm better now and I can exercise again which helps me with my mood.

Anyway, when I was really feeling down. I drank some red wine (after more than a year alcohol free)...I drank it, didn't enjoy it and had a horrible night afterwards and a nasty hangover...in one drinking session only I was back to square one.. Anyway it was almost 3 weeks ago and I didn't drink since and I dont want to.

I keep thinking about it..

HorsesDogsNails Mon 31-Dec-12 16:54:14

Hey ma I'm here!!

I am most definitely rooting for you (and everyone else) for dry January...... Tbh I should join you really - not for the alcohol side of it as such, but the weight side of it. I am 5' 7" and weigh far too much - I am a large 16/small 18 in clothes and that's the biggest I have ever been.....

My job really doesn't help my diet, I work odd hours and large parts of my day are spent in the car (I am a mobile Nail Technician) so I struggle to eat proper meals and find biscuits too easy to eat while I'm driving. I do, however, have a dog so walk him every day. DH keeps trying to get me to try running, but I hate running!!

How can I eat more sensibly/healthily when I work 9am - 3pm every day and then 3 evenings a week? It's tricky <sighs> and I'm basically greedy <sighs harder>...... Anyway, sorry to be a bit 'me', I am as always reading and supporting everyone.

lookingforhope Mon 31-Dec-12 18:45:59

Hello babes. Wanted to wish you all a happy new year, whatever your plans are. I am off to a party that has been planned since October but am determined to pay attention to my intake and not overdo it. I'll be at the bus stop tomorrow ready to.hop on - after I have done my New Year jog. Resolution - 30 mins exercise each day in January and phasing out booze from 7 t h Jan once I am back at work and my holiday social commitments are over. Actually can't wait! Happy 2013 everyone x

dementedma Mon 31-Dec-12 19:02:25

hi horses its hard when you work and come in dog tired and just stick your head in the fridge. it takes a bit of planning. DS and I have had a healthy yummy veggie stirfry for dinner. Feel both virtuous and hungry.
I am also drinking wine. I poured a glass and held it aloft in a toast and I said "here's to you wine witch. because it's time you and I parted company!"
Today the road I have been on so long, has finally forked. I can take the path of least resistance, or the road less travelled. I choose the second, and its going to be quite a journey. I have posted this poem before, so apologies for the repetition but it might be new to some people.

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.

~ Mary Oliver ~

See ya on the road. Babes

guggenheim Mon 31-Dec-12 19:12:24

That's a great poem, thanks for sharing ma.

Yup- that wine witch can fuck the fuck off in 2013. I'm feeling optimistic about next year.

shake there is no way that 1 night of drinking wipes out a whole years worth of abstaining! It's a blip at worst- think of the good you have done your body by staying sober for so long. Everyone trips up, it doesn't matter. A new year and a new beginning.

Happy new year you lot. x

kotinka Mon 31-Dec-12 20:34:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aliasjoey Mon 31-Dec-12 21:37:36

I have 'power-walked' the dog (he looks confused) and taken a longer route

I don't even want to know how much I weigh, but have a wedding to go to in April so plan to get fit for thenthen

ma you are an inspiration, thank you

ChristMouseTimeMistletoeNoWine Mon 31-Dec-12 22:58:16

Happy New Year for later Brave Babes. Hugh Jackman is on tv. That is all. grin x x x x

PurpleWolfe Mon 31-Dec-12 23:09:01

Mouse - Tart!!! wink xx

dementedma Mon 31-Dec-12 23:09:46

Well done alias these are the small changes which will show results. I have had a healthy stir fry for dinner and just tipped an entire bottle of white wine down the sink!
Have also eaten a chunk of Christmas cake and am drinking a glass of port so have some way to go!!
Happy New Year mouse I hope 2013 is a healthy one for you and dear nemo

ChristMouseTimeMistletoeNoWine Mon 31-Dec-12 23:22:50

Well done Ma That's brilliant xx Keep going! Xx smile

aliasjoey Mon 31-Dec-12 23:37:18

mouse loved Hugh jackman but had to turn over after John bishop started... what is there on at New year suitable for children to watch? hmm

helpyourself Mon 31-Dec-12 23:40:55

Happy New Year lovely Babes!
Will lurk- but I guess I'm a little over zealous as I've found my solution. Keep it real- I'll pop up but can only be true to myself advising boring but very happy abstinence. I was a biatch yesterday- but it did lead to a busy day on the thread, which has to be good, I hope.
Sweet dreams and strength and love for 2013.

dementedma Mon 31-Dec-12 23:46:56

Ooh, dd2 will be on at ,midnight from Glasgow. Just texted to say there is a party afterwards for performers only.So her friend Molly who has gone over to Glasgow to support her can't get into the after show party. Mean. Molly was given a pass to be in the audience but can't go to the party. Dd wants to go ton the party as there are lots of influential musicians there, bit she won't live Molly sitting on her own. What to do?

dementedma Mon 31-Dec-12 23:47:40

Sorry for typos. Am tired. This is a late night for me

aliasjoey Mon 31-Dec-12 23:50:35

hello help I don't think you were a bitch, o guess we're all just enthusiastic about beating this addiction

hope you have a great new year!

dementedma Tue 01-Jan-13 00:02:56

First post on the bus in 2013 is mine!
Happy New Year all of you.

babyjane1 Tue 01-Jan-13 00:27:14

Happy new year babes, to the year of success, sobriety, weight loss, self esteem, perfect arms,, Botox and Brad Pitt and ultimately HAPPINESS x x x x

PurpleWolfe Tue 01-Jan-13 02:06:33

Happy New Year Babes!

For 2013 I wish for us all to find a healthy balance - both physically and mentally - and peace of mind and spirit (oh, and a few inches off the ol' waist line, too!)

May the phenomenon that is the Babes Bus (and sidecar and roof rack) continue to be a support to us all.

Thanks to all for the wonderful support in the last few weeks of 2012 - it's been invaluable to me.

2013? - bring it on! Onwards and upwards, Brave Babes!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

lookingforhope Tue 01-Jan-13 02:42:42

Happy New Year babes xxxx Had an unbelievably moderate and happy NYE party with lovely friends and all our kids and off to bed now almost sober. Onwards and upwards lovely babes xxxx

Fairenuff Tue 01-Jan-13 09:34:13

Pinch, punch, first of the month!

Happy New Year babes and may it be one full of good health and goals achieved, be they large or small smile

Help good to see you will be lurking and popping in. I have an image in my head of the Land of Sobriety. It's a bit like Babeland actually, where all is calm and fresh. I have an image of drinking as a Land of Fog, a desolate wasteland full of fear, anxiety, manic happiness followed by depression, paranoia and regret.

In Land of Sobriety decisions are clear and easily made. Problems are faced head on with support. Each day is met with energy and enthusiasm. It's a clean, healthy, active land where busy people go about their business with a spring in their step (or a boing - but I couldn't call it BoingLand really could I grin)

In Land of Fog parts of the ground are knee deep in mud and wading through it is a daily struggle. There is relief but it comes at a price, the highest price possible, pride and self esteem. Most days are the same old drudgery of broken promises, false hope, crushing despair.

Now, these two lands are separated by a mountain and the only path between them is narrow mountain path next to a deep gully. It's a short path, but seeped in mist which only occasionally allows brief glimpses of life on the other side of the rock.

Sometimes the people in the Land of Fog will hear the cheerful early morning chatter and be curious as to why the people in the Land of Sobriety were not suffering like they were. Peeping around the giant rock all they can see is the path.

On the other side, they call and beckon. Come on over here, it's lovely. Everything is so much simpler. You don't have to wade through mud. We have much better health, we have more money to spend how we like, we don't hate ourselves anymore. Don't be afraid, we're right here, just around the corner.

But the people in the Land of Fog can't see past the mist. Now and again, an intrepid traveller will brave the journey. Buoyed up and cheered on by friends, the brave fellow makes those few first steps. Closer and closer into the mist, away from the fog, towards the Land of Sobriety.

Some do make it and they never come back. They call to their friends reassuringly. It's true, it's true, it's all true. All you have to do is leave the mud and fog behind. Everything you want is right here. It's a paradise. It's wonderful, there is nothing to fear. Once you have made it you will never even want to go back!

< and readjusts normality > grin

Well, that's my view and I can see you Help (or maybe just hear you) over there in that wonderful place, calling the rest of us x

Right, I've waffled on enough now, will be back later.

Ma I hope your dd had the most fabulous night. Shame about the party but hopefully this will just be the first. Where did she stay in the end?

Love to all, back later x

babyjane1 Tue 01-Jan-13 10:00:06

faire what a brilliant concept, that is a great way to present sobriety, I'm on that path today x x x

SobaSoma Tue 01-Jan-13 10:40:04

Bloody hell Faire that was beautiful, thank you. A sober one for me and DD, feasting on pizza and raspberry lemonade in front of the box. Happy new year to you my friends, let it be filled with peace and purpose. xx

lookingforhope Tue 01-Jan-13 10:44:44

Wow Faire that is brilliant, I will keep that in mind this January. You should write a book!

lookingforhope Tue 01-Jan-13 10:46:20

Ps I do like Boingland as a name though! Perhaps we can steer the bus there this year....

obrigada Tue 01-Jan-13 11:12:44

Fabulous post Faire.

thursnow Tue 01-Jan-13 11:18:40

Morning all smile
Happy New Year
I have had my third hangover free Christmas morning and New Years day,
and wanted to say a heartfelt thank you to everyone,because if I hadn't have joined this thread two and a bit years ago, I very much doubt that I would be saying that.

I haven't been totally abstemious during that time, by any means, but if I ever have reached for the bottle, even then, it has been in a different way than before, and not easy, because I hate myself before and afterwards, instead of just afterwards!!!! So much easier not to do it at all, although I don't always remember.

I haven't been posting much in the last six weeks or so, bit of a family problem, not my story to tell, but it has meant that I've been away most weekends. But, I read the thread the whenever I can, and it has really helped to remember where I want to be, and how I want to be.

Help bless you, you have found what works for you, and I totally understand that you want to share your experience, and show others how things can be. For me, the chattiness of the thread is a real, working tool, I know that I can be more honest on here, than maybe anywhere else, ever. I think that posting on here when we've slipped up, is not so much a post expecting others to read or comment or even help immediatly, it's a post to ourselves to remind us that we really don't want to be like this (that'll just be me, then grin ).

Anyway, I love you to pieces you Babies,
xxxxxxx
Ps Where are you Isinde my blossom!

dementedma Tue 01-Jan-13 11:42:27

Great post faire
<shoulders backpack and heads off into the mist>
Thurso good to hear from you. Wassup? PM me dear thing..
soba that does NOT sound like a bootcamp breakfast!!! Taps foot ...grin
I cooked banana pancakes with bacon and syrup for DS, then glumly chewed my way through a bowl of cardboard and string aka shredded wheat, sprinkled with bran for extra yumminess. this was followed by a calcium and zinc supplement and a flaxseed capsule.
On the road shortly to collect DDs from various dosshouses...

aliasjoey Tue 01-Jan-13 11:44:22

happy New year everyone

I love the sound of BoingLand ! I definitely want to be on the other side

Fairenuff Tue 01-Jan-13 12:14:54

Ha, good luck ma and babyjane and anyone else on that journey today. Glad you didn't all think I'm curley wurley cuckoo for sharing what it's like in my head some days grin

Not going to talk about what I'm eating today - still got some xmas goodies (baddies? confused) to eat up so today I'm a bin blush. Tomorrow I will have more self respect and get on the Happy Health Drive with the rest of you.

< starts to think about what to pack in bag. Booze and crisps will only weigh me down >

Thurso great to hear from you!! Sorry you've had a difficult few weeks x

Good afternoon. I am returning - was here under a different name a while back and, whilst sort of being able to control my drinking, have actually realised I can't really sad I want to be free of it. I really do. I made a supreme effort to drink loads last night - just to feel shit this morning and remember why I need to stop (does that sound ridiculous???) Had bronchitis all over xmas but still managed to drink on several occasions ands missed it when I couldn't. Bloody idiot! I'm ready now I think. Haven't smoked for three months (this time...) am pretty fit generall, so ...need to complete the circle! Hello grin

greeneyed Tue 01-Jan-13 12:27:10

Happy New Year babes. Faire I am in the desolate wasteland and it is exactly as you describe. Starting 2013 feeling wretched. I totally lost it last night downing shots and vodka till 4.30am. When I can rouse myself from my pit, I'll see you on the otherside babes. Onwards and upwards for us all x

determinedma Tue 01-Jan-13 12:33:24

welcome eastholly

Do you all like my name change? grin

I'm going to read the entire thread soon - just cooking bacon and eggs for me and the dcs!

greeneyed Tue 01-Jan-13 12:40:46

Love it ma!

babyjane1 Tue 01-Jan-13 12:41:37

ma right here goes, I'm 5ft 8, 13st10 and bmi 29. Feeling positive about the New Year, we all start with an A, remember that babes. At this moment, on this day, we have an A in life, a new beginning, the promise of our own success, all we have to do is believe it!!!! Xxxx

SarahRT Tue 01-Jan-13 12:49:00

Happy and Health New Year everyone, great post Faire! I am eternally grateful for my Land of Sobriety!

Sober is the New Black, and the movement of women that I am involved with in real life are gaining ground now, it's been incredibly hard changing attitudes and rebranding recovery into something to celebrate and not be judged by, but we are getting there. So the hard work of the last two odd years is at last paying off.

Good luck brave ladies, having the tools to beat the bugger is the first step, this thread is one amazing tool.

Fairenuff Tue 01-Jan-13 12:53:00

Oooh ma that's a fab name, I'm going to have a think about maybe changing mine too. Hot damn, you're motivating everyone at the moment - go girl grin

< waves pom poms >

Welcome back Holly did I 'know' you under your old guise?

Green those awful hangovers were probably the biggest motivation for me. I hated them so much and am so relieved that I never, ever have to do that to myself again. Have a (((hug))) and some paracetamol x

Lovely to hear from you Sarah smile

greeneyed Tue 01-Jan-13 12:59:05

Thank you Faire, I am going through everyone of the emotions you describe. Don't want to bring the thread down when there is such a positive vibe today but will post more later about how I feel today to remind myself over the coming weeks

I can't remember who I was to be honest grin Anyway, I need to do this. I get so stupid when i drink - and just can't stop. One of those idiots who can 'not drink' but can't not drink when I've started. I know you'll get that!

Fairenuff Tue 01-Jan-13 13:13:54

Post away green. The good news is that tomorrow is another day. This time next week you could be feeling entirely differently. The choice is yours. Sounds simple doesn't it.

It took me a while to realise that this was something I had to do for myself, if I wanted it. I couldn't persuade someone else do it for me, or pay someone. If I wanted things to change for me, I was the only person who could do it. That scared the hell out of me at first. I actually didn't think I could!

But we are all alone when we are born and we leave this world alone too. It's another journey that has to be taken alone and there is no other choice. I've done it already, in a funny kind of way and I'm doing ok. Does that make any sense at all. I don't know what works for others but, for me, I had to let go of the fear.

I want to be sober and well without the work grin. Snot fair!! Actually, I am looking forward it - I remember how well i felt last time and with (hopefully) having finally conquered the cigarettes, I have nothing to lose. My vital stats are: 5 ft 6, weigh 9 st 10 BMi 21.6 (according to gym scales!) don't want to lose vast amounts, but I do want to get rid of my cider tummygrin

2013YAY Tue 01-Jan-13 13:29:45

Hello Babes smile

I used to post on this thread a while back but haven't in a long while now for various reasons. I thought I'd pop in seeing as how it's NY and there may be a few newbies lurking and posting (hi Greeneyed). I'm pretty sure that there are many more people reading this thread than are posting on it.

I spent 18 months going to AA. It didn't work for me and it didn't keep me sober sad but I learned a huge amount from it which I can continue to use in my daily life and it certainly wasn't a waste of time. I think if anyone is thinking of it then there's absolutely no harm in giving it a go, it works for hundreds of thousands of people worldwide, but go with an open mind and be wary, use the same kinds of personal safety caveats as you would with any other area of your life - that's just common sense but I saw several newcomers fall foul of being too trusting and giving too much of themselves. I'm really not wanting to put anyone off going because whatever works, works!

I'm doing SMART now. It suits me better, it makes sense to me in a way that AA didn't and doesn't sit at odds with my somewhat scientific and atheistic way of thinking.

Hmmm, why am I posting? I think there is a lot of talk online whenever someone posts about struggling with alcohol that they should go to AA. Often for someone initially coming to terms with the fact they have a problem with alcohol they feel that AA is the only solution, I just wanted to put it out there that it isn't the only solution and that there are alternatives.

Happy New Year and good luck to you all x

kotinka Tue 01-Jan-13 13:42:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hi 2013 - I did AA for a while too - it sort of worked for me but then I felt 'smothered' and the cultish elements ( to my mind anyway - I know lots of people don't see it that way) crept in and I was being told all sorts of thing which made me very uncomfortable..I wish we had SMART groups in this country as I think they are really good. However, when I did my year I did it all alone with no outside help. Hoping I can do that this time - and I would love to stay with all you lot too grin

greeneyed Tue 01-Jan-13 13:49:46

Shame - dancing with men half my age, dancing on the pool table, being a drunken lush in the pub

Guilt - taking ridiculous risks with my health when I have a child who needs me. Not being a good mum today

Regret - ashamed of behaviour in small village, people will be talking about me

Fear, anxiety paranoia - as above, plus worried that I have alcohol poisoning and any variety of alcohol related illnesses.

Depression- feeling wretched with all above emotions and physically wrecked.

That's just for starters - not fun this drinking lark!

PurpleWolfe Tue 01-Jan-13 14:01:39

<Sifts uncomfortably in her seat in the side car>

Well, not yet found the gumption to bag a seat on the Bus still. Not doing as badly as before though. Didn't go out last night (but did have a lot some Cava at home - by myself blush) so don't have to sit here wondering how much of a tit I made of myself last night - and awaiting the comments. I often think that The Other People (those for whom drinking is not a problem) laugh off comments such as "You were soooo drunk last night", "Don't you remember doing .........?", "How's your head this morning?!" and the ever awful "Yes, I know, you told me last night! Don't you remember!?" etc whereas I feel very very defensive and angry at them because I feel so guilty about my behaviour.

Am looking forward to the children getting back to school so as there is routine back in my life and I can get back to the gym. That's my realistic goal - anything I can do in the meantime is going to be a bonus.

Unfortunately, I think the Tasty Farmer is just not that into me sad. He has been in touch everyday over the festivities but...... He's had 'flu over Christmas (and his family over) so I understand him not being able to see me on the couple of days I had free but yesterday I made a light suggestion at meeting up for a drink tonight. He got back to me with "I'm not sure what I'll be doing until the morning"! Hmmmm. I'm not anyone's back up plan! angry - plus I haven't heard from him at all today. Even if he does get in touch now I think I will have a fictitious party to go too. Shame really. sad.

Sorry to hear about all the Babes who are struggling and a big cheer for those who've managed to moderate. Hugs all round! xxxxxx

PurpleWolfe Tue 01-Jan-13 14:03:31

to*

kotinka Tue 01-Jan-13 14:05:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleWolfe Tue 01-Jan-13 14:05:09

Sifts!!?? Shifts*! (Unless I was making cakes in the side-car, that its!! grin)

kotinka Tue 01-Jan-13 14:08:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greeneyed Tue 01-Jan-13 14:14:23

purple will save you a seat for when you are ready to hop on. Think you are being great about the farmer - yes you are worth far more than being someone's back up plan. Sorry it hasn't worked out. kot yes I want to get it all down as the feelings fade and I need to remind myself! I'm going to try and eat something

kotinka Tue 01-Jan-13 14:16:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleWolfe Tue 01-Jan-13 14:18:44

Thanks Koti, [grins]

I know he said he was 'laid back' but it appears he's horizontal! To be fair, I only have a limited number of days/evenings off and he doesn't really know what they are which is why I mentioned it to him but still.

Quality Street wrapper pile building well!!! xx

Greyhound Tue 01-Jan-13 14:27:45

Greeneyed - hope tomorrow is a better day. That remorse/paranoia is just dreadful - been there too many times.

Purple - sounds like the farmer's blowing hot and cold. Do you think he has someone else and that's why he's so unreliable?

I had good night last night - drank but didn't get pissed.

I had a bad alcoholic moment last week. I was embarrassed about the number of empty bottles in my recycling box. I didn't want dh to take them to the bottle bank because I knew he would be shocked at how many there were. So, whilst he was out, I snuck out and dumped them all in a bin down the street. When he returned, I lied (very unconvincingly) that a friend had taken them to the bottle bank for me. Unfortunately for me, dh found them. He didn't really say anything, but I could tell he was disappointed.

Oh, the shame this addiction brings us sad

PurpleWolfe Tue 01-Jan-13 14:37:18

<dead chuffed at being saved a seat next to Gorgeous Green! xxx>

I looked at SMART too and thought it looked great but all the meeting places are too far away for me. sad

Don't think so Grey I'm wondering if he's not ready to get into a relationship yet? Who know?! Men! Can't live with 'em, not allowed to shoot 'em!

As for the shame thing Grey, yup, been there, done that. My worst time (soz to all who've been bored with this already!) was when ExP and I had to move house. I'd hidden bottle in places round the house and totally alcohol memory loss forgotten where I'd put them. sad ExP didn't say anything either - not sure if that's worse or better? xxxx

aliasjoey Tue 01-Jan-13 15:12:31

welcome holly and 2013

ma I LOVE your new name! I've had another power-walk with the dog (he's exhausted) but I just feel shattered instead of energized. not sleeping well again. maybe this is something to do with the mulled wine we had last night?

greeneyed Tue 01-Jan-13 15:16:50

This is hell - 3pm and getting worse not better - think I will vomit. Posting to remind babes how you don't want to feel. I hate myself

kotinka Tue 01-Jan-13 15:21:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

silverangel Tue 01-Jan-13 15:23:43

Hi all, and happy new year. I've been reading this thread for a while and think I am at a stage where I need to hop on the bus. Had a great christmas and new year, drank a lot but not ridiculously but that's because I ended up in A&E after my work christmas do after falling out of the pub, literally, and bounced my head off the pavement. Husband and step dad had to come and get me and I have spent Christmas with a monstrous black eye.

I can drink socially, sometimes. Other times I just DRINK. I don't know why I do it and I don't know its happening until I wake up the next morning with the guilt / shame / embarrasment. For this reason I am giving up going out for a while, its easier to just abstain and not put myself in that situation.

My father died of alcoholism. I don't want to end up like that. I have 16month twins and I don't want them to go through what I did with him.

This is the first time I've admitted anything to anyone so its probably waffle but I needed to get it out.

You are an inspiring bunch of babes!

PurpleWolfe Tue 01-Jan-13 15:24:28

Green Sending lots of glasses of water, some paracetamol, vitamin tablets, some milk chocolate, some antacids, some complex carbohydrates (seeded bread from Sainsburys), some cozy warm pj's, an eye mask, a snuggly hot water bottle, a warm restorative bath (candles and everything!), a huge king sized bed with loverrrly clean linen and an enormous hug! Feel better soon Hun. xxxxxxx

PurpleWolfe Tue 01-Jan-13 15:34:59

Can we get a red cross temporarily painted on the bus, plus 'blues and two's' and go and help Green?

greeneyed Tue 01-Jan-13 15:36:15

Thank you so much purple and Koti I can't even stomach cold water at the moment, currently sipping a cup of hot water - have just taken some vitamins and I am back in bed with a pan next to me - Shameful what kind of way is this for a woman of my age to behave. Wish I could grow up!

Sorry for self indulgent posts today just need to get this all out as it keeps happening.

Welcome Silver and well done for posting - You sound similar to me I don't seem to have a stop button when I'm out and past the first three drinks - likewise I think I have to stop going out or abstain because it's just not acceptable and I am worth more than this.

I'm not feeling very inspiring today fortunately there are lots of other inspiring babes here though smile

Joey sorry to hear about your troubled sleep again - have you got your meds sorted now?

greeneyed Tue 01-Jan-13 15:38:13

I said to DH I was worried I had alcohol poisoning he said no I just have an enormous hangover from being a nob grin

silverangel Tue 01-Jan-13 15:48:43

Green, thank you. I seem to be missing the 'off' switch. I don't have a problem with not drinking but I can't moderate it, so removing myself from those situations is the safest option. I hope you feel better, you're right, we're worth more than this.

aliasjoey Tue 01-Jan-13 16:27:33

welcome angel you will find loads of support and advice on the Bus. well done for making that first post!

green sorry, but your DH saying that made me laugh. grin hope you're feeling better soon. don't know if my meds are really sorted yet, I have cut the Prozac down to just twice a week, my mood is pretty stable, but I feel shattered and I wake up in the night with aching legs. perhaps it is because I've drunk quite a lot over Christmas.

determinedma Tue 01-Jan-13 17:11:45

welcome angel
is it ok if we call you angel rather than silver as we already have a silver on the bus and I foresee no end of confusion grin
green we've all been there. Next time you feel the wine witch calling, read back and it might help. or it might not...if only it were that easy.
Well, Day 1 of Dry January and it's getting to danger time - got to find something to occupy myself with for the next few hours.

kotinka Tue 01-Jan-13 17:18:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

guggenheim Tue 01-Jan-13 17:42:47

Hi lovelies,

Can I sit next to green and purple for a bit? I drank last night and I honestly think that this is one of the worst hangovers I've ever had. My stomach is still churning.I had best part of a bottle and my body is letting me know that I'm too old for this malarky any more.

Small weak wave at new babes sliverangel you can say ANYTHING here and lots of us frequently do. That certainly wasn't waffle,welcome.

I had downloaded a list of local AA meetings but the SMART meetings look very exciting. I'm going to join the on line meetings thingy because there isn't a face to face one near me. Anyone one else up for that?

2013 thanks for mentioning it. What do you think of it? Has it helped? I can't see how much it costs, if it does cost.

Love the new name ma
Tactical chundering? Love it.
greyhound yeah the shame is one of the many worst bits. Dh doesn't always know how much I drink, not sure why. I try to tell him now and he is beginning to understand how big my problem is. By the way, you sound much more positive and ready to begin anew.

I've spent the whole day trying not to honk, my head hurts, my legs hurt, I've got fuck all done and I've been a crap mum. Tomorrow is another day- might make it through the mist one day.

kotinka Tue 01-Jan-13 17:46:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KoalaKube Tue 01-Jan-13 17:47:55

Just a quick hello to angel and all the other babes and a happy new year to you all.

Sorry to hear you're under the weather green bet you're not the only one on planet earth today in bed with a hangover!

Take it an hour at a time Ma and you'll be just fine.

Lazy day for me today reading and relaxing feeling incredibly calm at the moment it's been a bit of a revelation getting through christmas and new year without a drink - but tis done and dusted now - so onwards. I spoke to my manager at work yesterday and will be going back to work next week after 3 months off - drunk and depressed. Funny how 3 weeks sober seems to have turned it all around for the best.

So here's to 2013 and I WILL NOT BE DRINKING TODAY.

PurpleWolfe Tue 01-Jan-13 18:01:21

<wiggles into seat between Gugg and Green, makes sure she has barf-bags and bottled water for her fellow side car travellers and nods off with head on Green's shoulder, dribbling, because, although her stomach isn't threatening to reveal all, she's been awake since 'Stupid O'Clock' due to too much alcohol interrupting her brain/sleep pattern. Sheesh!>

greeneyed Tue 01-Jan-13 18:08:48

Ma I'm rooting for you - can we hold hands as we walk into the mist - I want to see the other side of the rock!

greeneyed Tue 01-Jan-13 18:11:28

purple and gugg thanks for keeping me warm - have just eaten some pizza and chocolate so hoping that will help. I am completely disgusted with myself today this has to be the end of it.

greeneyed Tue 01-Jan-13 18:13:13

koala well done that's fantastic- you are turning your life around smile

determinedma Tue 01-Jan-13 18:15:54

Holds hands with green and tries not to look at the clock. Healthy dinner eaten and cleared up. Had bath.what to do now...
koala what you have done is bloody awesome. Totes amaze balls! grin
You must feel like a different woman.

PurpleWolfe Tue 01-Jan-13 18:18:05

No probs Pud. Sorry about the dribble on your shoulder!

Try to be less hard on yourself. You are here, trying to change - there are millions of people who won't see the need for change^, won't^ see the fall-out they cause and selfishly couldn't give a damn about those around them - that's not you. You are making the effort - it just isn't easy. All with you, holding your hand. xxxxxx

greeneyed Tue 01-Jan-13 18:21:54

ma are you in pjs and in bed - is that possible, not to sleep but just sit on your laptop on mumsnet or sommat - I find it a lot easier if I hide upstairs from the wine witch until she's gone.

guggenheim Tue 01-Jan-13 18:22:10

purple can you stop wiggling now please, I may need one of those bags...

green Too right. I know that I need some kind of recovery program now and lots and lots of help.

kotinka are you going to do the smart thing? please, please smile I'm going to have a good look when ds has gone to bed but I think I will sign up to the online meetings.

koala you are one awesome woman. You don't even whinge about it, you've just got on with it and quit. Wow! Have you found it difficult or straightforward?

greeneyed Tue 01-Jan-13 18:26:44

purple thank you < wipes away tear >

PurpleWolfe Tue 01-Jan-13 18:33:10

Gugg Can't help it! Those big pants Mouse gave me are bloody itchy! grin Bag at the ready, just in case! x

Green You'll get back there Hun, maybe not today but soon. You've done it before and you can do it again. <wipes dribble off Green's shoulder suruptitiously!> x

ChristMouseTimeMistletoeNoWine Tue 01-Jan-13 18:38:46

E nerving, yids me, Mouse
Welcome to Angel and welcome back to any previous posters returning for NY.

Whoever it was with a BMI of 21.6, that's the same as me and I'm not looking to lose more, just maintain really.

Happy New Year's Day Babes smile

Faire fantastic post! Ready helped me to visualise how I feel about us all and this thread. Just amazing.

I spent 3 hours stuck in bed this morning because of my back. I'm in so much pain today, all because of the car journey here and lack of sleep in a strange bed. We're just about to watch Up! And DD and DH are taking bets on how long it will be before I cry grin

Ma I hope DD was spouted, she is so super talented xxx

Lots of love to you all, hope you are safe and warm wherever you may be tonight. Sorry not to add any wise words but I'm done in. xx

determinedma Tue 01-Jan-13 18:40:36

God the sidecar is rowdy tonight.
Now I am travelling in the bus I can see from my superior position that the sidecar seems to be full of dribble, sick bags and big pants....<tuts disapprovingly while fending off wine witch with one hand>

ChristMouseTimeMistletoeNoWine Tue 01-Jan-13 18:41:05

Phone posting is rubbish, sorry. Xx

determinedma Tue 01-Jan-13 18:45:13

No she wasn't spouted grin but she had a blast and really enjoyed the whole experience.her friend Mollie went with her for moral support and dd was worried that Mollie would be bored or left out. Finally met up with her after performance to find Mollie had wangled her way into VIP audience section and was merry as a fiddler's elbow on free champagne and having a blast. Dd was most put out lol

PurpleWolfe Tue 01-Jan-13 18:46:16

So sorry you are struggling Mouse Back pain is a total bitch! Hope you find some comfort soon Lovely. x

Hey Ma I can see right up your nose from here!!! <goes back to snoozing after brief period of clarity. Dribble....dribble...dribble>

determinedma Tue 01-Jan-13 18:48:11

<cocks nose even higher in the air at riffraff in the sidecar>
Going to make some tea, need to drink something.......

PurpleWolfe Tue 01-Jan-13 18:51:55

Hey Ma! Ma! Ever considered one of those nasal hair trimmers?! Guffaw! The peasants are revolting!! <Zzzzzzzzzz>

KoalaKube Tue 01-Jan-13 18:54:59

hI gugg the first 4 days were the worst with the withdrawals and I pretty much locked myself inside and kept myself to myself - I didn't want to put any temptation in the way. I had thought that the only way i'd kick it was to go to a detox or a rehab, researched lots but couldn't afford it - little or no help from the NHS etc So me was all I had. And after the last few months I knew I was in a very sorry state and it had to be all or nothing - I chose to try nothing (ie no booze)- so far so good.

I've since found it pretty easy to keep to the one day at a time routine - I'm definately healthier in body and mind so hoping that the improvements will see me continuing forward. I don't mind not drinking - it didn't make me happy or jolly sad or emotional - just numb and dependent. Waking up in the morning and the first thing you want to (and do) is buy wine was soul destroying - I couldn't believe after all I'd gone through with Mum and Sister that this was also my fate. And the fact that I'd done this to myself was a hard thing to wake up to - that nobody else was to blame, this was the life I'd chosen over the past few years and I was living it.

I'm taking anti-depressants which are finally working now I've stopped self-medicating and the odd sleeping pill when I can't get off to sleep, but I'll deal with those in the future.

I decided to give AA a try and all I've really done is gone along to the meetings and listened. I'm not even thinking about steps or sponsors its too early for that but every time I have been someone has related a story that I have been through and been ashamed of admitting even to myself the people there who have been sober for a while seem to have an understanding of my drinking experience and by their relating their stories I'm beginning to understand myself - it helps that they are active in their sobriety and gives me the strength to be active in mine - so I will keep on going as there is no shame in walking through the door and sitting down and listening. We had a real celeb in the meeting the other day and if they can expose themselves and gain strength from the room - then I can too ( by the way no-one batted as much as an eyelid) - humility in accepting that you are an alcoholic is the first thing that gets you there and that's where I'm at at the moment.

Everyones bottom line is different and I have reached mine. Not desititute and drinking cough syrup - but I definately was no longer functioning, money was getting tight - I'd rather drink than work or focus on outside life (including my darling girls) and I couldn't see a future that didn't involve wine or worse -and no matter how often I tried pulling myself back it always got worse. Now finally things are getting better.

I know that it will not always be easy- life will intervene- but the fog is clearing I CAN'T AND WON'T GO BACK.

Hope that helps

greeneyed Tue 01-Jan-13 19:25:31

ma do you have decaff or herbal? Caffiene at this time might keep you awake without the wine to counteract it!

Great post Koala thank you for telling us all how it's been

kotinka Tue 01-Jan-13 19:30:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

guggenheim Tue 01-Jan-13 19:34:37

Thank you koala I very much admire you.

I haven't dismissed the though of aa, but I'll try smart first. I'm very nervous about just going to a meeting but I can see from your post that I'm building it up into something it isn't. Will grow a pair in 2013.

Do you know what the worst thing about the sidecar is? I can see right up ma's skirt and she.. Oh sorry,ma didn't realise you were there.grin

PurpleWolfe Tue 01-Jan-13 19:40:07

rotfl @ Gugg! x

guggenheim Tue 01-Jan-13 19:42:52

kot yes the link works. Ta love!

I watched the first 5 mins but I'm off for a bath now. I'll watch the rest later. What do you think?

wink to purple

kotinka Tue 01-Jan-13 19:44:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kotinka Tue 01-Jan-13 19:45:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

determinedma Tue 01-Jan-13 20:03:32

<crosses legs modestly>
Um, purple you wouldn't have any of those big girl pants spare would you?
Actually, the inability to sleep when not drinking worries me. I really struggle with it.
Over the worst of witching hour now...should be OK for day 1

greeneyed Tue 01-Jan-13 20:43:43

Koti thank you for the video link - watched it sounds interesting - Like that it is based on CBT which has worked for me in the past. Will have a look into the website in more detail.

Ma Well done - I know I will really struggle to sleep tonight despite being knackered and will probably have a panic attack or two after last nights excesses. I will sleep in the spare room and have book/phone to hand to browse net - I'll get through it, be tired tomorrow but hopefully it will pass. I sometimes find taking a couple of Paracetomol help - I expect it some kind of placebo affect! What will you do if you can't sleep can you read or is DH in the room?

* Mouse* Hope the pain is getting a little better - when will you be home in your own bed?

Fairenuff Tue 01-Jan-13 20:46:44

Well we have HALT

I have another one - DEPART. Don't know if it's any good to anyone but feel free to use it - smile

DEPART - DEpression, PAranoia, Regret and Truth - it's what happens when we drink.

Hope everyone is doing well. Still shaking pom poms here.

aliasjoey Tue 01-Jan-13 20:58:58

koti that's interesting about SMART, thanks. there is a meeting near me (in fact in the same place as the AA meetings) I'm curious, but I don't feel alcoholic enough to go...

I have some wine and am resisting opening it, the last week has been excessive and my body needs a break! hopefully I will sleep better ttonight as well.

mouse did you enjoy UP?

greeneyed Tue 01-Jan-13 21:00:29

wow just checked the smart site there is a meeting in a town half an hour from me - the facilitator is someone I know!! Or know of rather, she is a couple of years older than me and from my hometown - she is a beautiful girl, from a wealthy local family - big shock in the village years ago when it was whispered she had a heroin addiction, even though I don't know her I always thought it was tragic and really pleased to see her running this group - I won't go though!! Will look at what's on line

obrigada Tue 01-Jan-13 21:04:35

Yay Ma thats day 1 done and dusted. I have a family wedding which I am not looking forward to. Its my nieces wedding and her mother and partner don't speak to me. Also present will be my eldest sister who also doesnt speak to me. This all stems from a disagreement last year when my mother went into a home. Am planning on having a drink at the wedding but dont want to have too much as I dont want to let myself down.

determinedma Tue 01-Jan-13 21:05:26

Off to bed soon - will read for a while and hope to nod off. No spare room to decamp to so Dh will have to put up with it. And with the excessive wind this high veg, high fibre diet is causing!
<farts in direction of sidecar>

obrigada Tue 01-Jan-13 21:11:23

Meant to say wedding is on Thursday so hopefully there will be someone around to hold my hand if things get uncomfortable in RL...

greeneyed Tue 01-Jan-13 21:13:43

Ma well done girl - Hope your night is okay and DH isn't gassed in his sleep!

Obri that sounds horrible you poor thing - gosh can you plan not to have too much? That was my plan last night - look where it got me!! Also weddings are notoriously boozy and it's a long session. Is this local - can you drive?

greeneyed Tue 01-Jan-13 21:16:16

I think I have to accept I cannot "plan" not to have too much as it doesn't work and I am lying to myself so either I won't go or I'll drive in future where there is potential for an evening to get out of control.

kotinka Tue 01-Jan-13 21:24:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greeneyed Tue 01-Jan-13 21:38:25

Thanks Koti Shall get some tomorrow x

greeneyed Tue 01-Jan-13 21:57:03

Right going to try to go to sleep now - sorry for hogging thread today wallowing in my own self pity. Thank you bus for looking after me today x

aliasjoey Tue 01-Jan-13 21:58:49

obrigada you say you hope you won't drink too much, and that there will be someone to support you. being on the Bus I have learnt that you can't always rely on 'hope'. can you plan out various scenes beforehand and decide how you will act? planning is the key!

I've joined the SMART community, but I feel shy, and a bit stupid because I don't understand what to do next. I guess it's meant to be like Facebook, but I don't use FB so can't figure out what to do. God I'm so old. still at least I'm sober...

aliasjoey Tue 01-Jan-13 22:06:31

I don't think the links work properly on my kindle. maybe I need to go on the computer.

<frustrated>

PurpleWolfe Tue 01-Jan-13 22:17:41

Green No need to apologise Sweetpea. You haven't hogged the bus and it's nice to be able to re-pay some of the support you've given to us in the past.

Shame about the awful smell in here?! <shoots accusatory glare at Ma, grabs left over wine cork and heads in Ma's direction!>

PurpleWolfe Tue 01-Jan-13 22:49:39

PS Have been really good and not bothered to contact the (re-named) Tasteless Farmer. Deep sigh.....

kotinka Tue 01-Jan-13 23:41:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greeneyed Wed 02-Jan-13 09:00:52

Morning babes! Well I'm showered and up and about - feeling pretty dreadful still and have just cancelled hospital appointment this morning as I can't face it. Lots of pain around midrift, hoping IBS and gastritis and not my organs screaming out in booze pain!

Still self loathing and feeling very despondent today though will try to achieve something workwise and housework wise so that I am not still beating myself up with a stick later!

Feel calm and. Confident about the booze today - it's all up to me I can just stop it (with the help of my bus babes!) koti can you report back if you go to a smart online meeting - I'm going to check out the website in more detail today and see whether I can print off the exercises featured in the video.

Have a great day babes - hope work is okay for those returning today xx

greeneyed Wed 02-Jan-13 09:11:29

ma how did you sleep? If I get out today I'm going to get some nytol as tiredness I'd the biggest trigger for me x

PurpleWolfe Wed 02-Jan-13 09:27:48

Morning Green, glad you are feeling a little better. Good luck with the rest of the day Lovely. And I so know what you mean about tiredness being a trigger, puts you on the back foot before you even start the day. Hope the pains subside.

Feeling quite down today. Tasteless Farmer has not been in touch but has been back on the dating site in the last 24 hours sad Why can't these people be honest? It's not that I'm pining for him but more that I'm worried about my own judgement in men people - I thought he was a decent sort but I was wrong, again! I'm not 'desperately seeking' but it would be nice to have someone to go through life with. Single parent life is pretty lonely sometimes. Ho hum. Maybe I'll just buy 20 felines and be the mad cat lady of my village!

Feeling teary. xx

PurpleWolfe Wed 02-Jan-13 09:43:18

Just re-read the above. It does smack, a bit, of desperation but really - I'm not, just a tad disappointed in life. Was mostly single for over 7 years before and coped well. Just at a low point but don't worry, I won't settle. xx

determinedma Wed 02-Jan-13 10:02:45

yawn what a shit of a night. Going to try some of those sleeping tab thingies until I can break the pattern. I recognise this part - stop drinking, dont sleep, wake up feeling like boiled shite with splitting headache and think " well if not drinking feels this bad, might as well drink!" Hope I really am on the road to Boing land - feels like the road to hell at the mo!
green today is a new day. It will be better than yesterday
purple maybe tasty farmer is just a bit shy? But, i agree with not forcing it, if he's not for you, he's not for you. The grass is always greener on the other side anyway - I would love to be single again. You can have my DH if you want?

lookingforhope Wed 02-Jan-13 10:15:38

Morning ladies. Hope you all have a good day. I went to football yesterday and me and dh had a few pints then we got a takeaway. Something many people do on New Years Day, but I feel disgusted with myself plus I have gastritis now. Guess I have used up my lifetimes booze allowance.

Green - hope you are feeling better lovey. Really felt for you yesterday, that has been me so many times. The self loathing is the worst. But Its a New Year, we will get there together.

Koala - what you have done is amazing. You are an inspiration!

Right, time to get going and put the Xmas booze to the back of the cupboard. Meal out with in laws tonight then that is me off the booze one day at a time again.

Thanks 2013 for the link to SMART. Looks interesting, I think I will join online.

Take care babes x

Hi Babes & Happy New Year! Wow thread has been so busy! green today's a new day & hope you are feeling better than yesterday & can completely relate with all you were feeling yesterday. MA amazing about your dd, you must have been so proud watching her on tv smile
I went to a party on Hogmany, ended up having a good time but tried to be really careful with what I was drinking & stuck to cider & didn't touch any wine. Had a couple of glasses of fizz at the bells. Had pre-booked taxi but cause we were havi g fun we cancelled it. Regret that a bit but don't think I behaved too badly. Then yesterday didn't feel the awful shame & regret that I normally do. Manage to visit in-laws then go to my parents for New Years Day dinner, was tired but not shaky. Think all the advice and reading this thread is helping so much to make me more aware of my drinking. 1st day for me today of dry January. Going to do this. Loved loved your post faire really want to be on the other side, going to venture through the mist today. mouse did you enjoy UP, watched it last night for the first time, what a fab wee film smile Hope so much you have had respite from your pain sad
Thank you to all this thread for being brave, amazing and inspirational xxx

hello all <shuffles in like new girl> Well, I am back at work (in body at least...) Luckily I am the manager so am just moving a few bits of paper around and replying to extraordinarily dull e mails etc, I will probably go home soon as still feel a bit low from the bronchitis. Last night was a bit odd. DH went out to the pub in the afternoon to watch football and there is still a ton of booze in the house from the 'season'. I was very tempted to have a glass of red wine but thought what would be the point?? Also had a very worried text from my eldest dd - she had seen a comment on fb from one of my friends calling me 'pisshead' as a joke as I had sent a nonsense text on NYE - I wasn't horrendously drunk but hadn't got my glasses on which made the text rubbish grin dd is terrified I'm going to go back to how I was when she was younger - and i was very very bad indeed. Managed to reassure her. Bless her. She's in her twenties and still scared sad ds12 was also saying 'whats that in that mug mum?' all last evening. Makes me realsie that acttaully it has been creeping up again and i have to stop completely. I can do it and I will. I hope everyone is ok. Still haven't got round to catching up with you all... grin sorry, will spend this day reading thread away from family!!

aliasjoey Wed 02-Jan-13 10:59:16

morning Babes! I managed to stay off the booze last night, rather pleased with myself! 2 things:

1. it wasn't as hard as I'd convinced myself it would be
2. a few months ago if I'd been planning to only drink at weekends, I'd have drunk up that little bit of wine, saying after it was gone I could have a fresh start, no alcohol in the house etc

so it appears I'm slowly getting better, day by day, week by week. all thanks to the Bus!

purple sorry about the Tasty Farmer. I thought he seemed quite keen. is it worth one last attempt to make sure you haven't got your wires crossed?

greeneyed Wed 02-Jan-13 11:01:57

Well that's half a bottle of wine down the sink and another six bottles put at the back of the garage where hopefully they'll stay for at least a month.

Christmas port, spirits etc I will sort later as they are still on the sideboard but not as much of a risk for me.

Ma I think we need to be kind to ourselves and give it at least a week to see if we feel the benefits of not drinking and try the nytol for tiredness.

Lookingfor Gastritis is horrible as it beating self with stick - we can stop both if we want to by quitting the booze.

Purple I don't think you sound desperate at all - completely normal feelings and you've actually been really dignified about the whole thing. Looks like Farmer Boy is either a bit weak or hedging his bets so right to back off - see if absence makes the heart grow fonder and he starts chasing, but yes don't settle for the crumbs. I'm actually really proud of you re farmer boy, I think you've maintained your self respect. I'm sorry you feel sad - loneliness another big trigger.... I don't think you should question your judgement, you can't expect to make the right call on someone straight away - it takes time to get to know what someone's like - you took things slowly and kept your expectations in check . I've questioned my marriage this year (think I've had a full on midlife crisis!) but I do know I'd HATE to be dating again, it's tough to have to put yourself out there, deal with rejection, idiots etc but hopefully there is some fun in there too and you will find your prince even if you have to kiss a few frogs first x

I'm going to do the Cost Benefit Analysis featured on that SMART video. I need a written reminder. I reach the bottom like yesterday and can see the costs all too clearly then the memory fades and I repeat the same mistakes believing somehow it will all be different. DH has bought me a diary for Xmas - God knows why I haven't used one since 2006 - anyway I'm going to use that to do some of these exercises and just jot down some general thoughts then I can refer back to it in future.

Re the bootcamp - I'm opting out for now - priority is to cut out booze and fags (started again in last three months like an idiot) then I'll worry about losing weight. However stats as follows as it may be interesting to see if I lose weight by just being off the wine.

Height 5'6
Weight 10st 12

BMI almost 25 - very top of normal range, couple of pounds more and I slip into overweight - I'm a size 14 have a big belly and a massive double chin - would like to lose a stone but first goal will be 6lb otherwise it just seems to big a task for me. Right now to see if I can get some work done

Fairenuff Wed 02-Jan-13 12:23:05

Ma one of the many advantages to not drinking is the wonderful sleep. Stick with it, it will come eventually, hopefully within a few days.

I'm heading out onto that ledge today. I can just see clutter disappearing into the mist in front of me. See you on the other side smile

Purple I had a little giggle to myself way back when Mouse misinterpreted 'TF' and thought you were calling him 'Twat Face' grin. Maybe it was a prophecy?

Anyway, there could be many reasons why he's not the one for you, nothing to do with who you are but more about himself. Let's face it, he doesn't know the 'real' you either does he, so there will be lots about him that you're not aware of yet.

On the plus side, you were able to go out with him for a meal and a couple of other dates, all without needing to drink. You had a chance to 'road test' some social situations without alcohol and, as I recall, they worked out very well for you. You were pleased that you didn't drink.

Another bonus, is that you don't have to torture yourself thinking you embarrassed yourself or ruined an evening by drinking to much and blaming all the problems in the relationship on yourself.

< silver lining >

Re the boot camp. I do want to diet, having put on about half a stone over the last few weeks, (how can that happen shock!), but I am mostly going to concentrate on dry January. Not going to worry too much about being strict with other calories as I'm still trying to stick to 'everything in moderation'. So if I want a biscuit I'll have one and won't beat myself up over it! That's got me into trouble in the past grin

greeneyed Wed 02-Jan-13 12:54:16

Well I have liked Dry January on facebook so now it's out there and I can't go back smile

Umm diet pretty bad have already had several chocolates, some chocolate fingers, chocolate cake and crisps as well as my lunch blush ah well refueling after yesterday I guess - one thing at a time! xx

determinedma Wed 02-Jan-13 13:03:36

East sounds like the family are very aware so hopefully that will be a motivation. So many things SHOULD be a motivation though, but still we work round it dont we?
Am making healthy soup then going to force myself out for a walk - and I really will need to use some will power today. Will find something on the ipod and just put one foot in front of the other for half an hour. think I'm due on as well so feel really crabbit. God, no alochol and ToM. My work colleagues are going to love me tomorrow!

KoalaKube Wed 02-Jan-13 13:08:33

Good luck to everyone embarking on their Dry January - you can do it keep strong play the video forward to the end and think where that first sip will take you. Instead sit on the Bus and let it direct you to a nice calm and hangover free place.

And to all the Bootcampers - you could drop a dress size just by cutting out the booze by end of January too! I've so many lovely things from my smaller days I'd love to wear again - was it only 5 years ago that DDs Art teacher called me 'glamorous' !!

I'm off to have a long hard look at the house - "I can see clearly now the fog has gone" sings along to can't remember his name - who's in charge of singalongs again ? Oh how I have neglected everything. A couple of hours of scrubbing, mopping and hoovering should burn a few christmas calories.

A nice bath, make dinner for me and DD2 and off to the lovely candlelight AA meeting tonight for an hour or so. My day sorted!

I WILL NOT BE DRINKING TODAY.

Mouseface Wed 02-Jan-13 13:09:00

Testing smile

Mouseface Wed 02-Jan-13 13:24:43

Afternoon, tis me, Mouse

Well, DH is ill and puking. We're still in North Yorks and I got stuck in bed again this morning. sad There's no way I can drive that far home, plus I'm over medded so I could get up. DD has been a star but I was striping the bed at 3am because Nemo had a really upset tum that escaped from his nappy. Deep joy sad

I could weep. On phone so short posts but well done to day 1 of the Brave Babes Bootcamp xxxxx

kotinka Wed 02-Jan-13 13:42:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greeneyed Wed 02-Jan-13 13:44:38

* Mouse* Truly for fucks sake! - if there is a God or anyone upstairs, will they please give you and your family a break!!! Weep, weep and weep some more then I would probably laugh manically as really there is nothing else you can do right now accept go with the madness that is thrown your way and hope that karma will find you and bless you in the future - reach for the bottle and things will just get much worse but you worked that one out already.

Well I did the Cost benefit analysis

www.smartrecovery.org/resources/library/Tools_and_Homework/Quick_Reference/CBA_Worksheet.pdf

I think a very useful and interesting exercise not so much the costs - risks and disadvantages but actually being really honest about the benefits of drinking what I get from it and what the disadvantages are of giving it up of which I have highlighted quite a few - I think better to go into it knowing and accepting what you are choosing to give up then there are no surprises and you know that you've made that choice to give those things up for the many advantages you'll gain. I've done one for drinking and one for smoking and pinned them both to the inside of my diary for today. Right now Dry January is just risking becoming a huge procrastination tool to keep me from working so I must leave it there for today and might look at another one of the exercises from smart tomorrow.

Faire thank you for your lovely words of wisdom you are truly a great credit to this thread.

Love to all xx

Aw mouse how awful for you & your family. Hope that you are with family or really, really good friends x sending hugs to you all ((( ))) wishing that your luck changes soon