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I think it's time for me to either shit or get off the pot.

(71 Posts)
CrispyHedgeHogmanay Wed 26-Dec-12 18:22:07

Background
long term relationship ended in March, very shortly after I met a guy 10 years younger than me, we both wanted different things in the future so we've been fwb since then. He's been an amazing friend to me, got me through some really bad times this year - looked after me when I was recovering from surgery and again when something horrible happened. I would say he's my best friend with absolutely earth shatteringly amazing sex thrown in.

Now, he's told me he loves me. Wants to be with me properly. He's been incredibly generous with gifts and doing lovely things for me over the last few days.

I don't know what to do. I think the world of him, can't imagine him not being in my life, but realistically any relationship we have would have a limited time span - maybe 5-10 years because he might want to have children and I absolutely don't - plus I'm probably too old now anyway at 43. He says none of that matters, we shouldn't over think things and just see how things go?

AloeSailor Wed 26-Dec-12 18:35:41

You need to ask him about what he wants for the future.

Susieloo Wed 26-Dec-12 18:38:23

I would go with it, it sounds like you would have a great relationship and you might miss out on that if you try and think too far ahead and love doesn't come along that often I don't think. I hope you stay friends whatever happens because he sounds lovelysmile

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Wed 26-Dec-12 18:43:25

Thanks you both.

Aloe, he used to say he really wanted marriage and children in the future, but now he's very vague about it.

Susie he is lovely.. he's not perfect but he's great company, very reliable, good fun and did I mention the amazing sex? grin Downside is he's obsessed with football [groan]

I suppose I'm just scared to make a commitment and then have it all go tits up but it wouldn't be fair not to give him a response one way or the other.

Leverette Wed 26-Dec-12 18:43:30

Why not enjoy it for now, see how things go. Sounds lovely!

DioneTheDiabolist Wed 26-Dec-12 18:43:32

Things change. People change. A declaration that he does/does not want children is no guarantee of anything. So if you are happy and he is happy, why not go for it?

ImperialBlether Wed 26-Dec-12 18:48:29

You lucky thing!

He is the one who said he loved you. You're not coercing him, are you? He has come to you of his own accord and laid his cards on the table.

Are you really so altruistic that you'll say, "No, no, go and make love with another woman and give her a child"?

Do you love him?

forgetmenots Wed 26-Dec-12 18:52:56

OP, you're looking a gift horse in the mouth! He loves you! Hooray!

(And talk to him about the children thing and why you are reticent. Don't assume anything.)

Alittlestranger Wed 26-Dec-12 18:53:38

I think you'd be mad not to try. You can't be responsible for keeping his future options open. Just make sure that it's really clear to him that children will not be an option and that he's actually understood the implications of that.

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Wed 26-Dec-12 19:03:23

You lot are making me smile
You're right. I should just go for it and take it as it comes - there are no guarantees in life are there? I think after a lifetime of shit relationships this is just taking some getting used to iyswim?

I think I do love him, but not that fluttery butterfly kind of feeling, more a solid, dependable, know he's there for me kind of feeling. He knows all my issues and accepts them, is very very honest and truthful. Is always where he says he is going to be, rings when he says he will, turns up at the time he says he will, all the stuff women complain that their men don't do. If he goes to the pub with his mates he usually comes back early, like 9ish cos he says he'd rather be with me than boozing it up wiht the lads

He's currently snoring on the sofa in the other room grin

izzyizin Wed 26-Dec-12 20:24:19

O Crispy, honey. You of all peope so deserve a generous slice of happiness pie with lashings of cream on top sad

Go for it, and if it doesn't last you'll have a bank of good memories to call on and the knowledge that you can attract caring and respectful men as well as their despicable counterparts.

something2say Wed 26-Dec-12 21:04:22

I'd take solid and dependable over fluttery any day x
And that goes for sex too!!!!!

izzyizin Wed 26-Dec-12 21:07:21

'Fluttery' sex, something? Do you wing it? hmm

SnoogyWoo Wed 26-Dec-12 22:05:53

Met my good lady in 2001 when she was 41 and I was 27. Still together smile

We have renovated property together, been on lots of holidays, started a business with 2 employees and then lost it when she got breast cancer, she has 2 kids that are now 16 and 21 etc etc

Age is only a number and lifes too short for worrying. Just get on with it and see where the road takes you.

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Wed 26-Dec-12 23:21:52

You lot are stars smile

We've had a bit of a chat, and we're gonna give it a bash, see where we end up.

I think part of the reason for my wariness is because the first few months he was planning on moving out of town, so it was very much only ever gonna be a short term thing. However, he got a new job here so he's staying, which is what's made the difference.

Soooo.. gosh grin

lubeybooby Wed 26-Dec-12 23:24:47

Awww this is lovely grin

Nothing wrong at all in giving it a go. I wanted more children a couple of years ago... now I don't. People and their wants and needs can change!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 27-Dec-12 11:33:12

Good luck, crispy x grin

forgetmenots Thu 27-Dec-12 11:36:18

Very exciting crispy - good luck!

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Sat 29-Dec-12 13:14:46

Thanks again all of you. I was just over thinking it I think.
have had a lovely few days, he went home yesterday, coming back later tho grin

AF I wouldn't be here without you and Izzy and some other wonderful poster's help so THANK YOU flowers wine

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 29-Dec-12 13:56:13

Take care crispy, you deserve some happiness x

I was going to ask what team he supports & take my advice from there but it looks like you've decided to go for it so congratulations grin

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Sat 29-Dec-12 14:32:59

haha.. liverpool.. is that bad?

sleeplessinsuburbia Sat 29-Dec-12 14:49:17

I have the same age gap and history with my dh, and we're both incredibly happy. I think I had the same reservations/concerns as you but they're gone now. I'm glad you went for it, I really appreciated being told not to stress about it in the early days.

As an aside, 43 is not too old to have children.... just in case even a tiny part of you is wavering. I was adamant I never wanted children, until all of a sudden I did. Life is strange like that.

Hope everything goes well for you - he sounds lovely.

countrykitten Sat 29-Dec-12 16:59:21

Good for you - go for it! He sounds great and fwiw solid and dependable makes for a great foundation for a relationship. Took me a good while to realise this and I am with someone 6 years younger than me so not so different to you. Age is pretty meaningless if you love each other.

No I can live with that- if he's from Liverpool that's even better.

So go for it wink grin

CoteDAzur Sat 29-Dec-12 17:45:14

Crispy - Sorry to be the voice of doom, but I think that being with this guy for 5 years or so would potentially rob you of the opportunity to find someone to be with for the rest of your life.

If you are going to commit to this relationship, at the very least, have an open conversation about the future - will he never have children of his own, what about when you are menopausal and he is merely in his 40s?

Good luck with it all, though smile

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Sat 29-Dec-12 17:52:17

Thanks all of you grin

Re the children thing - I already have two grown up ones and now I'm enjoying being freeeeeeeeeeeeeeee - I was early 20s when I had them. It just feels unfair for me to deprive him of the opportunity, although he says he's not bothered really. He comes from quite a religious/traditional background although he's not like that himself at all.. I think it will be difficult for him to introduce me to his family, not that it matters, I have enough drama with my own family so he's welcome to keep his to himself.

Age gap also doesn't bother me.. he's 3 years older than my previous partner. Odd really how I seem to attract the young ones.

I think I said earlier, when we first met, I was 24 hours out of an 8 year relationship and he was planning to move to a different part of the country, so the plan was just "well we get on really well, lets just have fun while it lasts" but we became really really good friends. He's put himself out to look after me after I had surgery and then again when I was assaulted a few months back, I mean really looked after me, had tears in his eyes when I was suffering. And silly things, like.. the bulb went in the living room light and he brought replacements home unasked.. I've never had that before. Or my car got a flat tyre recently, he sorted it and got it serviced at the same time. I've always had to do all that stuff myself.

Haha.. the night of the MN christmas bash, I got a bit very drunk and brought home a fellow mn'er with me. She was very impressed that he'd had a takeaway and left me half of everything, not just the bits he liked least. Then when I passed out fell asleep, he made sure she got into a cab home.

He's a very straight talker, if something's bothering him he will say so straight away and we discuss how to put it right, and he expects the same from me, which is a huge change from what I'm used to which was put up or shut up. I like that if he's doing something to piss me off, I can tell him and then I can see over time that he's making an effort to change that aspect of behaviour. He never gives me a hard time if I want to go out although it's rare that he will come with me. He doesn't spend the whole night checking up on me or relentless texting, just a call to check I've arrived safely and then again later to make sure I can get home ok, and never any drama about it afterwards.

Did I mention the amazing sex too? grin I think after writing everything down I realised I'd be an idiot not to go for it..

RabidCarrot Sat 29-Dec-12 17:57:01

Sorry, firstly your thread title made me spit bubbly over the keyboard.
Secondly GO FOR IT, lifes too short,
Lastly if you really don't want him post him to me (sister needs a new man)

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Sat 29-Dec-12 17:58:09

Cross posted with you Cote

You've said exactly what I was thinking too. That was kind of one of the things that was bothering me but I dunno. I suppose that's a bridge we'll cross when we get to it. He says now that he's not bothered anymore about having children, I think he had kind of thought it was expected because of his background, not necessarily something he wanted to do. He used to joke that when his future, hypothetical wife would get pregnant he would bugger off and come back when it's all done and delivered and the child can walk and talk.

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Sat 29-Dec-12 18:02:14

Sorry for making you waste good bubbly Carrot sad
And sorry again but he's taken now

Heleninahandcart Sat 29-Dec-12 18:52:37

<waves at Crispy> I have met the man in question, he is indeed lovely grin

Cote I agree that Crispy should have the conversation but what about when you are menopausal and he is merely in his 40s? I do hope you don't mean that Crispy will somehow not be up to it? I've done the menopause, nothing has dropped off.

CoteDAzur Sat 29-Dec-12 22:51:22

I realize that nothing will drop off. I'm trying to nicely say that one day OP will be a 55 year old woman while her DP will be a 45 year old man. Just ask Demi Moore how that worked out despite her terrific body and diligent beauty programs sad I'm all for equality and all that, but we all know that we are not equal when it comes to how we age.

Bobyan Sat 29-Dec-12 23:06:45

A 45 year old man can still have a family, if it didn't work out...
Which I think is unlikely, as he sounds very sorted.

Heleninahandcart Sun 30-Dec-12 13:21:39

Cote 'trying nicely'? that is disingenuous, you specifically mentioned menopausal as if that was the issue, not the age gap. As OP has already said she does not want more DC anyway, the menopause here is not the issue.

It comes back to the honest conversation with her DP, they would be in a better position than many couples who never had the conversation. Of course, her DP could change his mind at some point, but there are never any guarantees.

Crispy best of luck

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Sun 30-Dec-12 18:42:48

Waves to H smile

What happened to Demi Moore can happen to anyone, even young women. One only has to read the threads on here for examples of that. There are no guarantees that it will work or not which I was over thinking a bit I think. Who knows, in 5 years time I might decide he's too old and trade him in for a younger model ;)

CoteDAzur Sun 30-Dec-12 20:13:51

Ffs Helen. OP understood what I meant and I don't feel like arguing with you.

CoteDAzur Sun 30-Dec-12 20:14:47

Good luck with it all, Crispy smile

JustFabulous Sun 30-Dec-12 20:23:17

"He used to joke that when his future, hypothetical wife would get pregnant he would bugger off and come back when it's all done and delivered and the child can walk and talk."

Hmm, some truth in every joke?

FobblyWoof Sun 30-Dec-12 20:53:40

crispy it kind of sounds like not a lot would change if you were both in a relationship. It seems you already are smile

It sounds like he's living with you, or practically living with you, is there for you emotionally etc.

He loves you, you obviously think very highly of him. Bloody go for it!

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Sun 30-Dec-12 21:49:37

Fab in his culture that's kind of the norm, he didn't know his own father til he was nearly 7 and his mother when he was 4 - both were in different countries developing their careers. He himself had lived in 6 different countries by the time he was 12. I think babies get left with grandparents while the parents establish themselves somewhere and then come and get them. Doesn't seem ideal to me but he seems ok.

Fobbly, not much really would change, we've sort of been doing the relationship thing without calling it that. He's here probably 3 or 4 times a week which is enough for now I think. He is there for me when I need him, but not in a smothery way and I like it as it is. We'll see.

sipofwine Sun 30-Dec-12 22:41:25

Hi Crispy - obviously you don't know me but I followed one of your previous posts and remember thinking what a very nice person you sound. This is such a lovely, happy post and I'm soooo glad you're going for it with this guy. He sounds frankly bloody fantastic so good luck - you deserve it x

BadLad Mon 31-Dec-12 07:48:19

I am 8 years younger than DW, who was 42 when we met and 43 when we married.

When we got serious (hate that phrase, but it fits), she had exactly the same concerns as you, OP. That one day I would want children, and would therefore want to be with someone younger, with more chance of having them. She thought she was probably too old to have them, and didn't really want them anyway. As it happens, we later found out she can't have them, but we didn't know that at the time.

But I don't want children - some people just don't, and I'm one of them.

However, it is definitely worth finding out if he is thinking of having children or not, so you are right to have some doubts if you haven't yet discussed it. That was the issue over which my first wife and I divorced - she wanted kids, I didn't, and I really wish we had talked about it beforehand. I think we did, but obviously not at sufficient length.

Anyway, it certainly can work out. Have fun

fortyplus Mon 31-Dec-12 08:07:42

Hey Crispy do you think your doubts about this relationship stem from the outcome of the last one? Reading your posts it seems you met your previous partner when you were 35 and he was just 22. It all went pear-shaped so maybe that's why you felt uncertain about whether this relationship could last?

Agree with others that children is the main issue. My aunt was in a 20 year relationship with someone nearly 20 years younger than her. Sure enough he reached mid 40s and suddenly had an overwhelming urge to have children so left her. He's (apparently) still incredibly fond of her and fortunately was quite a successful businessman so left her well provided for. Luckily my aunt subsequently met a lovely man at her local am-dram group and they've been happily married for about 8 years now.

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Mon 31-Dec-12 10:18:15

You lot are so lovely.. thank you so much for the good wishes - it really means a lot.

The age gap isn't really the issue, this guy is more grown up and mature than I am by a long shot. My ex husband was 25 years older than me, then the next one was 13 years younger and now this one is 10 years younger.

I think when the last relationship broke up, I was looking forward to being single for a while, finding out who I am and what makes me tick rather than having been someone's partner/daughter/mum - I've never just been ME. I'm almost embarassed to say that since I was 17 I've never been single for longer than about a month blush so after being well educated by the threads on here, I wanted some time to fine tune my red flag radar and all that sort of stuff.

But no.. I broke up with the ex on Thursday and met this one on Friday at a colleague's leaving do. Nothing happened, but then a friend arranged for him to be at a pub we were going to the following week - because she knew him and spotted that he liked me. We had a lovely evening together, talking and talking and then he booked us into a hotel because he didn't want me to leave - not for sex but just for company. I didn't want to bring him to my house because the ex was going to be coming to get his stuff and I didn't want there to be any traces of a visitor - there would have been major drama otherwise.

Then I didn't see him for a couple of weeks - needed time to sort out the loose ends with exp etc. After that we saw each other 2-3 times a week or so.. and then various shitty things happened which led to him being massively supportive and kind, we got closer and closer and so here we are.

Deep down I think that's what was bothering me, the fact that I still haven't done the flitty flighty single girl stuff - although I know that's not all it's cracked up to be either.. so I think I've realised I've met someone good and decent, we get on famously and I'd really be a twat to pass that up - whether it lasts a month or 50 years.

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Sun 06-Jan-13 22:59:56

Oh well.

That didn't last long.

tzella Sun 06-Jan-13 23:56:00

Oh no!

What happened?

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Mon 07-Jan-13 00:45:15

Nothing very dramatic really, he was here for the whole of the christmas holidays pretty much other than a day when he went to see his family.

He spent most of the time, day and night on the sofa watching football.
I suggested yesterday that we went out for a bit of lunch, he refused to move and we had a bit of an argument about it. I went out myself, needed some groceries etc. Came home and he was gone. Not heard a peep since.

I'm sort of surprised at myself that I'm not upset or anything. I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

Magicmayhem Mon 07-Jan-13 00:50:24

what a shame... lovely blokes don't just change over night (do they) aren't you tempted to ring him....

tzella Mon 07-Jan-13 01:10:42

Was he cocklodging? I had one of those...

izzyizin Mon 07-Jan-13 01:15:35

Genuinely lovely blokes don't just change over night, Magic, but not so genuine blokes who adopt the persona of lovelieness to make friends and influence people can rarely sustain the illusion for any great length of time.

No loss, Crispy, honey. Plenty more where he came from... but best to leave them there grin

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Mon 07-Jan-13 01:20:17

I'm stubborn mayhem. If he doesn't have it in him to discuss and resolve the issue then I'm not going to chase him.

Tzella, not cocklodging exactly because he was very good about paying his way. He just wouldn't move from the sofa. He'd been like it a bit before in the evenings and weekends and I just thought he was tired from his job and made allowances. But no way could he still be so tired after almost two weeks off, so I called him on it.

I think the fact that I'm not overly concerned about it is quite telling though.

izzyizin Mon 07-Jan-13 01:24:25

Maybe you've put away teenage things you're growing up, Crispy, and are no longer subject to heartbreak meltdown if a guy leaves you high and dry?

AnyFucker Mon 07-Jan-13 01:32:14

Erk, what a strange one. Best you find out now, though.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Mon 07-Jan-13 01:32:41

Crispy - I'm glad he's gone. I'm sorry if you are hurting, sad or feel let down, but give it a month or so and re-read this thread. He was coming over (to me) as a bit smarmy and quietly controlling (calling to see if you'd arrived safely and later to see if you were OK - you are a grown woman, it's creepy - to me anyway). It's good he's shown his cards so early on!

Now - time to partyyyyyyy!! Flitty flighty single girl time grin

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Mon 07-Jan-13 01:45:51

Yay izzy!

I think you lot have taught me well and I'm not as tolerant as I used to be. I used to put up with an awful lot of crap in exchange for the occasional nice bit whereas now I know it should be the other way round.

I think also that when we changed the status of our involvement it led to a slight shift in our behaviour. Nothing you can put your finger on but something subtly different. It made me think of those couples who've been together for years, get married and split up shortly afterwards.

Ahh well. Onward and upward

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Mon 07-Jan-13 01:51:05

Oops cross posted there. Yup definitely better now than 5 years down the line or something.

Chipping I think he was protective because next to him I'm tiny. 5ft vs 6ft 4ins lol.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Mon 07-Jan-13 02:21:25

I'm 5ft, I still don't need the man in my life texting to see if I have got somewhere safely and if I'm OK later on in the evening. I'm an adult and quite able to look after myself, it just feels 'quietly controlling' to me.

Hopefully you'll have fun being single for a while anyway [fgrin]

izzyizin Mon 07-Jan-13 02:28:14

I'm with Chipping on this. Despite currently hobbling around on crutches I'm more than capable of get myself from a to b and back without assistance and I take aversion to any hint of helicoptering in my personal relationships with the opposite sex.

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Mon 07-Jan-13 09:26:33

I hadn't thought of it like that. I thought he was just being caring. The texts/phone calls were never demanding or stroppy in any way, just seemed to be friendly concern. Maybe my red flag radar isn't all the way tuned up yet :/

I'm happy enough to be on my own, I'm amazed at how tidy the house is after the weekend, normally it would be like a burglary zone by now grin

Izzy what happened? hope your leg is ok!

and I've just noticed I need to change my name back, lol

AnyFucker Mon 07-Jan-13 10:13:40

All you titchy people ! I'll look after ya < leers >

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Mon 07-Jan-13 12:10:14

Thanks AF smile

TBH I don't think your Red Flag Radar is entirely tuned in yet. I don't want to pull all of your post apart or spoil the memories you do have, but just a couple of other things - bringing a couple of lightbulbs - yeah, sweet, thoughtful - but actually fairly normal & certainly not worth 'remembering' as a 'Good Thing', leaving exactly half of his takeaway when you were out for the evening (& a few other things you said) are just a bit ingratiating.

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Mon 07-Jan-13 13:09:10

Cheers AF grin

I think you're right chipping, I'm just not used to people being thoughtful/helpful like that so it was a big deal to me at the time. The half a curry, funnily enough it was Heleninahandcart who noticed that it was exactly half (I was a bit too pissed tired) Although in general whenever we'd get a takeaway we'd just get one dish, one rice etc between us because we're both small eaters, and there'd still be leftovers even from that, so not sure if it was ingratiating or he just did what we'd normally do anyway?

Bottom line is he was a nice guy, just clearly not the right one for me. I can't lie tho, I will miss the sex blush

I need some time on my own and I'm looking forward to it. That was part of the doubts I had I think.. the fact that I'd jumped straight from one man to another with no gap. It will do me good to just 'be' for a while and have a while to gather my thoughts, find out about myself, watch crap telly, spend far too much time on here etc etc etc smile

Heleninahandcart Mon 07-Jan-13 18:19:28

Crispy onwards and upwards. He is a nice guy but if he hadn't shifted off that sofa he may well have found himself under my ample patio at your request. Maybe I noticed the takeaway thing as I ate it all grin

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Tue 08-Jan-13 00:23:12

Sigh. Don't kill me. He's on the..............



Sofa!
I'm in the bed.

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Tue 08-Jan-13 00:24:33

You didn't eat all of it cos I vaguely remember a curry breakfast the next day grin

caramelwaffle Tue 08-Jan-13 00:38:04

Ahhh. Nobody is going to kill you. Everyone is here to listen.

Now, darn it, I want curry and it is technically morning hmmgrin

You mean he came back? Fair enough, but have you talked about the row?

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Tue 08-Jan-13 06:35:58

Yes we talked it all through, I told him I wasn't prepared to conduct a relationship from the sofa and if he's not prepared to make a bit more effort to be up and about then I don't want to know.

He said he doesn't want to lose me and will do more stuff with me. So now we'll see. The way I see is that I don't really have anything to lose, he is good company anyway most of the time and I'm clearly not as emotionally invested as I thought I was so I'm not afraid of getting hurt and I'm prepared to just wait and see how things go over the next few weeks

tzella Tue 08-Jan-13 06:53:19

Crispy, you clearly have your wits about you. Hope it works out smile

CrispyHedgeHog Sat 27-Apr-13 17:38:01

Bit of an update.

Ended things very amicably with new man. Still on good terms etc etc, which is nice. I'm a lot happier on my own tbh, it's great not having to take someone else into account all the time and just do my own thing. I do get a bit bored/lonely at times but not unbearably so and I can usually find something to amuse myself with and snap out of it.

Exp was STILL emailing me telling me loves and misses me yada yada yada.. despite the fact that he has a new girlfriend. Called his bluff, said I felt the same way.. never heard from him since grin

Saw a therapist the other day (referred by gp) who thinks I have ptsd, so is going to see me for 12 weeks initially and see if I need more after that. I was surprised because I thought nhs counselling was restricted to 6 weeks.

Overall, I'm feeling pretty positive. Knocked the drinking on the head apart from socially and feel a lot healthier for it.

Thanks all of you thanks

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