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DP sleeps too much during the day.

(178 Posts)
Mytimewillcome Sat 22-Dec-12 16:29:36

I know alot of men have 'naps' during the day but he can sleep practically the whole day leaving me with 2 children under the age of three. I am waking up for the baby during the night and if our other DC wakes up. He doesn't wake up at all. If he is asleep then I obviously can't catch up. I have started going out without him at weekends and am worried that we'll end up having separate lives with him just sleeping the whole weekend and me spending it on my own with my children. Does anyone have any practical advice or did anyone manage to change their DP from being a lazy git to someone more dynamic or is it a lost cause?

CailinDana Sat 22-Dec-12 17:04:24

Have you asked him to stop doing this, or asked him to get up at night with at least one of the children?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 22-Dec-12 17:10:00

Is he ill ? On medication that makes him sleep more ?

If not, he is a lazy twat and you need to stop being a martyr to his selfishness.

ledkr Sat 22-Dec-12 17:15:47

I agree. Imagine if you decided to sleep all day what would happen. Seems very odd to me has he had a check up?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 22-Dec-12 17:20:45

And actually, OP, in the absence of a good reason to take "naps" during the day, it isn't "normal" for men to do this at all

However, people who wish to opt out of the shitwork of family life could use it as an avoidance tactic

TheCrackFox Sat 22-Dec-12 17:21:33

He needs to visit the GP and get thoroughly checked out. If he is subsequently found to be fit and well (in mind and body) then, frankly, he needs to stop being a lazy, selfish arse.

ledkr Sat 22-Dec-12 17:33:32

<settles down for a nap> it's tea time why the devil not?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 22-Dec-12 17:36:04

don't fancy changing the baby's bum/clearing up after mealtimes/pushing the hoover round/playing with your children ? Have a bit of shuteye.

dequoisagitil Sat 22-Dec-12 17:37:43

A lot of men don't have naps during the day.

If there's nothing physically wrong with him and there's nothing like depression lurking to cause this, then he's being a lazy bastard and you should put your foot down. It's not fair on you to do all the night waking, and then watch him sleep away family time and weekends. He could let you nap as you're the one who needs it.

ledkr Sat 22-Dec-12 17:39:34

<looks up bleary eyed> "someone shut that facking baby up I'm trying to have 40 winks ere"

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Sat 22-Dec-12 17:40:17

does he have naps at work? thought not!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 22-Dec-12 17:40:56

Is this the kind of "man" your partner is, OP ?

hermioneweasley Sat 22-Dec-12 17:43:01

Agree, I work 60 hours a week and I don't nap at weekends, and when my partner was doing all the night wakings she had lie ins both days at the weekend (now we share)

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sat 22-Dec-12 17:43:04

How old is he? What's his general health like - weight, exercise, nutrition, mental balance? When did he last see a GP for a physical check up? The 'Lazy Responsibility-Avoiding Twat Hypothesis' has my vote at the moment but there are a few medical conditions which can result in chronic fatigue and which are worth eliminating.

BitchyHen Sat 22-Dec-12 17:43:07

Xh used to do this to avoid helping with cleaning and childcare. He would get up after I had put the kids to bed and be 'surprised' that I was tired.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 22-Dec-12 17:44:23

I bet he still expected you to be all enthusiatic about having sex with him too, didn't he, BH ?

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sat 22-Dec-12 17:48:08

"Does anyone have any practical advice"

Vacuum-clean at very close proximity. Poke him with sticks. Get a drum-kit. Empty bucket of water over head...

ledkr Sat 22-Dec-12 17:48:35

My mum thinks men need a rest. She invited dh round to watch footy on her sky about a week after I'd given birth so he could have a break hmm
He obviously didn't go but that's what she thinks. My dad is often napping whilst mum is downstairs doing everything.
If dh kept sleeping I'd keep waking him up.

BelleoftheFall Sat 22-Dec-12 17:54:27

I agree that he should go to the doctor and see if there's an underlying cause for him sleeping all day long.

My mother has thyroid issues that made her incredibly tired all of the time. My dad used to come home from 12 hour shifts and find her wiped out on the sofa complaining about how tired she was. He was pretty incredulous at first but soon realised there was something wrong.

I just wanted to tell this story because from his perspective (initially) she was being lazy when in fact there was something very serious going on medically.

But really to know whether or not he's being a lazy git or not you probably need to give us some more information. The situation as it is is very unfair on you and he needs to be proactive about it: ruling out any underlying issues and adjusting his lifestyle being top of the list. Otherwise it's going to wear you down and cause you issues with the stress and exhaustion of managing by yourself.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Sat 22-Dec-12 17:54:49

This does not sound right at all. Either he is ill, or just avoiding mucking in with family life.

Was he always like this? If so, how come you have chosen to have three children with him?

Is he overweigth? Drink a lot? Smoke? Does he work?

kinkyfuckery Sat 22-Dec-12 17:55:43

It's certainly not normal behaviour for a young, healthy person to sleep away their days.

catonlap Sat 22-Dec-12 18:06:37

Sleeping all day and all night? That is not right, there must be some reason for it.

Is he overweight/does he snore/any pauses in his breathing while he is asleep? Sleep apnoea can make people very sleepy in the day as their quality of sleep is poor and they end up not refreshed even though they sleep all night.

Depression can cause excess sleeping.

Anaemia, underactive thyroid and diabetes are other thoughts which could be ruled out on blood test.

ChristmasFayrePhyllis Sat 22-Dec-12 18:08:49

Three things come to mind:

Either his sleep schedule has got totally messed up and he is sleeping through the day instead of through the night (but it sounds like he is sleeping for at least some of the night); or he has an undiagnosed medical condition of which excessive sleeping is a symptom, such as depression; or he is a lazy arse.

Can you see if he really is having a nap when he says he is? Or is he fiddling about on his phone or computer while you are doing all the work?

BitchyHen Sat 22-Dec-12 18:58:37

So true AF. these men really do all follow the same script don't they?

NeedlesCuties Sat 22-Dec-12 19:53:09

Does he work?

Does he spend quality time with the kids?

Does he treat you with respect?

If the answer is no, then you seriously need to give him a verbal boot up the bum.

DefinitelyNotMe Sat 22-Dec-12 19:59:30

DP sometimes does this, it drives me insane, but he's on medication for a mental health problem. Having said that, 90% of the time he manages to get up when I need help with DD.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Sat 22-Dec-12 20:01:24

if he is fit and well then you need to walk into the bedroom at 9am tomorrow morning, plonk the dcs on the bed with him and tell him you'll be back after tea-time.

Mytimewillcome Sat 22-Dec-12 20:19:20

He says that he isn't getting a good enough sleep at night but if I can wake up a minimum 4 times a night and still keep going then so can he! I have spoken to him about it and now he'll nap when the youngest one naps but that makes it seem like an even bigger problem: if he has to nap in the same way a 9 month old does!

I think I might go into the doctor with him and embarrass him there. Whatever I say to him just seems to roll off him and I can tell you I'm not placid!

dequoisagitil its the 'sleeping away family times and weekends' that annoys me the most.

He works and is 41. I'm pretty sure it isn't depression.

deste Sat 22-Dec-12 20:40:17

If he is napping all day it's no wonder he can't sleep at night.

judefawley Sat 22-Dec-12 20:47:18

I don't think I know of any men that nap during the day, apart from my retired dad - and he gets up at 5am.

He is either ill or a lazy git.

TisILeclerc Sat 22-Dec-12 20:59:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pointysettia Sat 22-Dec-12 21:18:33

The only adult man I know who naps during the day is my Dad. He is 71 and has Parkinsons disease, which comes with severe sleep disturbances. And even he has only 1-2 hours a day.

Either your DH has a medical issue or is is extracting the urine. My bet is on the latter.

foreverondiet Sat 22-Dec-12 22:19:19

Does he work? Does he get up for work during the week?

Assuming yes, then need to have a chat that its not on for him to sleep all weekend, and that the fairest thing would be that he sleeps until 11am on a saturday and you'll take the kids out somewhere and you'll have sunday morning to yourself say to go to the gym / have a lie in whatever while he looks after the kids (think better to actually leave the house so you can't infact look after them.

If he can't get up in week he needs to see a doctor.

Mytimewillcome Sun 23-Dec-12 08:41:13

At the moment he has a cold but then so have I so basically all things are equal. I am also back at work and was told not to come in on Friday because my cough was so bad. He hasn't been sent home from work.

I told him that we were going to see the doctor in the new year about his sleeping and he refused.

Sometimes he sleeps downstairs to get a better nights sleep but then he says he needs to sleep during the day to make up for not sleeping in a comfortable bed.

DS2 (9 months) had a bad night last night and was waking up alot and of course he is still in bed and I am up with both children.

He is a very selfish person. He was lovely when we first met over 6 years ago but not now and I just don't think I can do this anymore.

Mytimewillcome Sun 23-Dec-12 08:43:02

And also when looking after our 2 children he will also fall asleep when our younger DS falls asleep and then that leaves our 2 and a half year old on his own basically and I think this is unacceptable and I have told him this.

TisILeclerc Sun 23-Dec-12 08:43:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CailinDana Sun 23-Dec-12 08:45:18

The sleeping is just an excuse to get out of childcare. As you've said, he is selfish. Do you think it's time to leave?

fiventhree Sun 23-Dec-12 09:09:31

What is he like in other ways? If he is selfish in other departments, you have your answer. Sure he is actually sleeping on that sofa, or tv/laptop? When my h was in bed till 12 and napping after tea at the weekend, it was sleep catch up from his 330am cybersex habit, it turned out.

MavisGrind Sun 23-Dec-12 09:26:45

I was married to one of these. Oh so tired despite a full nights sleep and I was up with the dcs. A lie in would last until lunchtime and we never did anything as a family. Life is so much better without!

If your H refuses to see a doctor does he not accept that his sleep habits are not normal?

Good luck!

mercibucket Sun 23-Dec-12 09:36:05

He needs to rule out a thyroid problem. Rare in men so often overlooked.
There could also be other underlying health problems

I had a thyroid problem and couldn't sleep well at night, managed work ok while feeling like death but needed to catch up on sleep all the rest of the time. I would also nap while the kids played. I didn't have much choice really, my body would just start falling asleep.

Either that or he's a lazy arse. But start with the blood tests

mercibucket Sun 23-Dec-12 09:36:05

He needs to rule out a thyroid problem. Rare in men so often overlooked.
There could also be other underlying health problems

I had a thyroid problem and couldn't sleep well at night, managed work ok while feeling like death but needed to catch up on sleep all the rest of the time. I would also nap while the kids played. I didn't have much choice really, my body would just start falling asleep.

Either that or he's a lazy arse. But start with the blood tests

dequoisagitil Sun 23-Dec-12 11:12:58

If he won't see the doctor and thinks this is acceptable, then you don't have many options.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 23-Dec-12 12:16:40

If he refuses to see a doctor, then you have to act as if there is no medical problem

ie. he is deliberately opting out so you do all the shitwork

time to take action, love

and no, him napping while a 2yo runs free is not appropriate, and not safe

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Sun 23-Dec-12 12:59:18

I think you need to get rid, as you've said there are other manifestations of selfishness and he is refusing to address the excessive sleeping.

Sleeping a lot is actually an abuser indicator: it's another way of making the household revolve around you. Everyone's got to be quiet, because the Important Person is sleeping again. The wife has to hush the children all the time, or she's going to get attacked, as well as having to do all the domestic work...

Fairylea Sun 23-Dec-12 13:08:15

Check his thyroid at the GP. But even saying that I have severe thyroid problems and a pituitary tumour and I look after dd aged 9 and ds 7 months all day every day (and night) and never nap.

Dh works 60 hours a week and never ever naps. When he has a day off he can't wait to spend it with us.

lisad123 Sun 23-Dec-12 13:15:44

My dh started doing this and drove me mad, sadly he was very poorly and we didn't know. Please get him to see a doctor.
If there is no medical reason his a lazy sod

EleanorGiftbasket Sun 23-Dec-12 13:25:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RacHoHoHog Sun 23-Dec-12 13:31:38

My exh used to do this, we both worked full time but he would come hoee everyday and have a nap. His excuse - his job was physical and mine was sat on my bum all day. Fair enough but mine was still mentally demanding and I was doing night times with both children.

He was abusive in other ways too.

Tell him doctor or door, his choice but something needs to be done.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Sun 23-Dec-12 13:54:17

Yes, get the blood tests. It's not just thyroid, other endocrine problems can cause fatigue, and other medical conditions.

Once you know whether there is anything physically wrong you can get him treatment or make him pull his weight.

AndrewMyrrh Sun 23-Dec-12 19:30:12

I seem to be in the minority here - my DH naps a lot. In fact, he is sleeping on the sofa as I type this, although to be fair he got up with the DC both mornings this weekend.

He has a condition called Gilberts, which can cause fatigue, but it used to really piss me off. I accept that he naps now, but I find it less irritating to tell him to go to bed, and that I will wake him in an hour.

AndrewMyrrh Sun 23-Dec-12 19:31:54

DH has just come in and announced he is going to bed as he is shattered! Talk about perfect timing.

Mytimewillcome Sun 23-Dec-12 19:56:58

I have to admit I thought that alot of men take naps because my father and brother were all big nap takers. Its an eye opener to me that there are men who can actually stay awake during the day. I feel that I am being cheated. He never feels like 'he can't wait to spend the day with us.' He'd rather sleep.

He is better today but that is because he went to a football match. Amazing how little sleep he needs on a match day.

The doctor threat seems to have worked quite well though. Coupled with 'Can you be a less selfish person?' and his answer was yes. I imagine that he will try for a little while and then slip back into bad habits. He can be a very nice person but he feels entitled. He has a mother that dotes on him even though he is in his 40s. Treats him like a child and lets him do what he wants so therefore he expects the same from me.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 23-Dec-12 20:01:38

AM, your husband has a diagnosed medical condition

CharlotteCollinsislost Sun 23-Dec-12 20:16:38

Interesting about napping being an abuse indicator - who'd've thought? But I was thinking of you this afternoon, OP, because my H (who is a fuckwit, just like yours appears to be), despite having expressed sympathy when I told him about my bad night and how tired I was feeling today, went off for a nap on the sofa post-lunch. Only re-emerging once all the clearing up (twas a roast, so plenty) had been done, and making no comment beyond he shouldn't've napped as he was now behind on what he needed to do.

I don't know how easy it is to reprogramme his sense of entitlement - don't suppose it's possible he can just put more effort in, as he probably doesn't really see the issue.

Fairylea Sun 23-Dec-12 20:24:02

I think sometimes women enable arseholes to nap. I remember my mum always sssshing me as a small child when daddy was having a nap in the chair so I didn't wake him. Why the fuck didn't she let me?? If it was because he would be in a super foul mood with me and with her then she should have left the bastard. And in fact she did ... only ten years too late really.
If my dh fell asleep without good reason there's two things I'd do - either poke him awake and say what do you think you're doing .. or I'd take myself out leaving him with the kids the minute he woke up for the same amount of time he napped. I wouldn't just leave him to it.

lottiegarbanzo Sun 23-Dec-12 20:28:12

No-one can actually sleep that much, unless very ill. He'd become unable to sleep at night, or during the day - at some time anyway. He could be resting and dozing but, even when quite wiped out, that gets boring after a while. Is he just withdrawing from you and your activity, rather than actually sleeping?

Does he actually go to bed and sleep - no tv, no radio, no laptop, no phone?

Who are all these men who nap? I certainly haven't met them in my working life!

It is possible to get into very bad sleeping habits that mean you take up a lot of time getting poor quality sleep.

It is also true that some people get to point of just needing to sleep and conk out more suddenly than others. DP is a morning person and just conks out at night, though when he wakes up he's fully awake. He does sometimes fall asleep during the day. I'm an evening person and have much more stamina to carry on tired, though, especially if mentally tired, I do sometimes get to a 'just need sleep, now' point. I very rarely sleep in the day and find it very hard to let go of some mental alertness e.g. I have never slept through my train station.

suburbophobe Sun 23-Dec-12 20:37:07

Depression can cause excess sleeping

And it can cause insomnia too.

Sounds to me like he has checked out of family life....

hermioneweasley Sun 23-Dec-12 20:39:46

FFS, why do you all put up with this? Charlotte - why didn't you wake him up, or leave the clearing up for him?

Why would anyone change if they are allowed to get away with it?

CharlotteCollinsislost Sun 23-Dec-12 20:54:29

Because, having left the clearing up for him to do in the past, I know that even if he does do it, he will still think it was my job.

Because in the past we've gone into a battle of wills for days, usually until he guilt-trips me into doing it because I'm the SAHM and he's so stressed with work or until he goes away on a work trip for a week and I'm left with the mess and added bitterness.

Because it's Christmas and I'd rather not have the hassle.

Because I like a tidy kitchen.

Because I'm planning to leave him and am biding my time, so I don't want him to get suspicious.

Because I was interested to see whether he would show any remorse - he didn't, which helps after a day of him being relatively nice to reassure me that leaving is the right thing to do.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 23-Dec-12 20:55:52

Charlotte...don't wait too long will you, love ?

lottiegarbanzo Sun 23-Dec-12 20:58:37

I'd add, I have had phases in life of feeling tired all the time and the problem was mainly going to bed too late, also low level anxiety or depression but mainly not keeping regular hours or being active enough during the day. There's nothing like moping about doing nothing to make you feel tired out. Conversely, getting out doing things and being active gives you satisfaction, physical tiredness and aids sleep.

I've also experienced moderate depression and the weird stuff that does to sleep. Mainly chronic insomnia. Also waking with a start at 3am, as well as feeling mentally exhausted so it was really, genuinely hard to drag myself out of bed, sleeping, rather dozing in the day when possible, going to be very early to sleep before the 3am adrenaline explosion (and so much more, inability to make decisions, remember things, weight loss etc). It's a surprisingly physical illness and the sleep aspect is a big part of that.

So, I'd say mild depression might lead to lethargy, loss of enthusiasm and withdrawal - or be developed by these means - but a more serious version would probably look quite different. Worth looking into. You could express your serious concern, it's a serious illness.

CharlotteCollinsislost Sun 23-Dec-12 21:00:20

Oh, and he will not wake up when I try to wake him up. Been there so many times on mornings when I've been up with the dcs in the night and am desperate for a lie-in.

Maybe I should've seen him for who he was sooner. But I thought the most that could be said was that he was a workaholic (never knew what time he'd gone to bed). I hadn't heard of emotional abuse, then, and even when I did, it took me months to see that that was what he was doing, in so many ways, but all of them seemingly trivial taken by themselves.

CharlotteCollinsislost Sun 23-Dec-12 21:01:24

AF - I'm hoping to be out in a month! grin

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 23-Dec-12 21:03:07

Have just seen your post on another thread, Charlotte. Good luck with getting this prick out of your life x

Fairylea Sun 23-Dec-12 21:09:46

My ex dh once went to bed all day (in dds bed who was away at the time) when we were supposed to be decorating our bedroom. Guess who did the room while he slept?

Yep muggins here. We were divorced soon enough. It wasn't the deciding factor but just yet another "what the fuck am I doing"moment.

hermioneweasley Sun 23-Dec-12 22:13:28

Good luck Charlotte. I can't think that this is anything but the right decision and you will be lots happier.

CharlotteCollinsislost Sun 23-Dec-12 22:37:46

Thanks. I still have a lot of moments of wondering what I'm thinking of, so I appreciate the affirmation.

CharlotteCollinsislost Sun 23-Dec-12 22:42:19

(Sorry for the takeover, OP - hope at least some of it's helpful.)

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Mon 24-Dec-12 00:28:01

Good luck Charlotte, onwards and upwards!

I used to nap in the daytime, when I was working shifts and therefore needed to sleep at odd hours. However, when that was going on I was childfree so it wasn't a case of napping while someone else did all the work.

If you're living with an adult who is not working shifts but who sleeps randomly and expects to be indulged and everyone to be quiet then really, the only thing to do is say, go to the GP for a checkup or fuck off. If he won't see the GP then it's most likely that this is laziness and selfishness and therefore he should be dumped.

(OK, if it's a man who has previously been a good partner and done his share of the work etc it's possible that refusing to seek help could be due to fear of being told there's something really badly wrong, but a lot of 'mystery illnesses' in men are manifestations of selfishness and abusiveness.)

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 24-Dec-12 03:41:02

He won't get help because the situation suits him just fine as it is.

Says it all, really.

balotelli Mon 24-Dec-12 07:14:01

As a male thought I would shove my twopenneth worth in for good measure.

I am 49, work full time, have 3 dc smallest 4 yr old dd. I have NEVER had a nap in my entire life!!

Cant believe you let this lazy twunt get away with this childish behaviour.

I live for the weekends so that I can spend quality time with my awesome hardworking SAHM DW and my gorgeous DD.

Exactly why are you with him?
From what you've said you dont want to be with him but just cant make that leap.

BunFagFreddie Mon 24-Dec-12 09:16:53

It's not normal for a healthy person to be sleeping during the day like that. Unless they're just lazy.

I felt constantly fatigued and often needed to sleep and take naps. It turned out to have an underlying physical cause. A kidney problem of all things!

Mytimewillcome Mon 24-Dec-12 09:21:27

These are the things he does do: he works; the nursery is by his work and he takes the children to and from nursery; cooks every other day; empties the bins every week. If he gets up early and I get a lie in he then goes back to bed after I get up. He never cleans unless asked. He doesn't do any gardening. He gave up his season ticket but will sometimes go to matches and they are a 2 hour drive away. He doesn't really play with the children much. He can do but most of the time he just sleeps. I am the main earner and I own the house we live in.

Recently he went to bed for 2 days saying he was ill and he didn't have any symptoms at all. I had a friend come over and we went out. We have three children between us, came back sat in the garden. He stayed asleep the whole time. My mum came over. He stayed in bed saying he was ill. Most of the time he has no symptoms whatsover. And he says I have very little sympathy for him.

I think that the balance is still weighing in favour of staying.

Don't worry Charlotte. Its all about helping each other. Hijack all you want!

Oh and he got up at 7.30 with the children; the youngest one has gone down for a nap so he is back in bed now.

MerryCouthyMows Mon 24-Dec-12 09:34:21

I DO taken apps sometimes, but I have no real choice about it. I have very disturbed sleep, as all 4 of my DC's have SN's, and the toddler is dxd hyperactive and only sleeps for 3-4 hours a night.

I also have epilepsy, which is exacerbated by lack of sleep. So I need to nap at least twice a week to catch up on sleep. And I also nap after a seizure, but I have no choice in that, as my body shuts down.

I only have an hour or two at most when I nap though, and it's rarely more than 3 times a week.

And even I think your DH is being an arse and checking out of family life.

bishboschone Mon 24-Dec-12 09:41:05

You didn't say wether he is over weight ? This in itself can make someone sleep more .

MerryCouthyMows Mon 24-Dec-12 10:02:46

Taken apps?! TAKE NAPS. Damn you, Autocorrect!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 24-Dec-12 11:01:44

I think that the balance is still weighing in favour of staying.

Then nothing will change.

lottiegarbanzo Mon 24-Dec-12 15:57:08

If he needs to sleep that much he is really ill. Why does he expect sympathy when he apparently has no symptoms? He's either ill and needs to see a doctor urgently, or he isn't. He needs to act, one way or the other - stop shirking and get active, or, get to a doctor and get a diagnosis pronto.

N0tinmylife Mon 24-Dec-12 16:10:49

This is absolutely not normal. Prior to having children I used to love having a nap after work, but then you have kids, and its just not practical anymore! You need to have a serious chat with him about division of labour if nothing else. If he gets a whole day at a time to sleep, when do you get whole days to do whatever you would like?

OhDearNigel Mon 24-Dec-12 16:49:49

DH hardly sleeps even after a nightshift if I am working, he has to look after a 3 year old to boot. Your H is ripping the piss

tzella Mon 24-Dec-12 19:29:38

My dad and my brother both have (mild, managed with medication) narcolepsy, and bro has associated sleep aponea. Don't be scared if you google these ad they don't have to be that bad. This might explain the sleeping, and also being USED to sleeping a lot all the time and feeling entitled to do so. Doesn't excuse the bad attitude and checking out of your family though (my bro does 50/50 with 3 DCs) but might be worth mentioning to the GP.

CharlotteCollinsislost Mon 24-Dec-12 20:52:44

Suddenly wondered about ME, which my dm had for 12 years - but then he wouldn't be able to face the football matches, so it's not that.

You say he doesn't really play with the dcs... What do you think his attitudes and beliefs are regarding family? Does he see you as equal partners or more as people with distinctive roles? Does he seem entitled generally, or just with the sleep thing? My h can help out at home, but will see it as helping me out (even regular housework he's taken on), not doing something that is his responsibility. Same sort of thing with the dcs: he'll do stuff with them, but if he doesn't see anything in it for him, he'll not bother.

I've decided his attitudes are more important than his behaviour - he changes obvious behaviour problems (sometimes) if I mention them, but without admitting there's a problem (it's all a problem with me) - and then the attitudes just show through eventually in something else.

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding Mon 24-Dec-12 20:58:27

Your dp is a lazy twunt.
He has a family now, he needs to grow-up & man-up!
My dh can be a lazy so & so at times but your dp really takes the biscuit.

Next morning you get, spray him librely with a water spray and tell him he needs to get up, get dressed and go out with you as a family or else!

CharlotteCollinsislost Mon 24-Dec-12 21:16:22

No, don't - that's cruel, and if you need to stoop to that level to get him to man up then you are not dealing with an adult.

Zapotek Tue 25-Dec-12 20:09:24

My DP naps in the day. He does have a stressful (though not manual) job but I am amazed at how much he needs to sleep. He is often in bed by 8.30 and gets about ten hours sleep a night.

I always get annoyed when he tells people that the days of getting a lot of sleep are over as he has young children because their existence doesn't really have much impact on his sleep.

I bf my two DC so got up in the night with them several times in their first years. I didn't ask him to get up, I didn't mind but it did piss me off when he complained of tiredness.

I am up with my DC at 6 every day and because he stays in bed at weekends, I always take him up a tea if he hasn't surfaced by 9 and usually have to hurry him to get up if the DC's fighting/demands are doing my head in after 3 hours. He takes his time getting up.

This morning he did get up early with me ( I told him I didn't want him missing the present opening) but when I turned round a little later he was dozing on the sofa.

Like other OP have said he often takes himself off for a nap when one of the DC is napping.

He's always been a big sleeper.In all other respects he's a decent guy but I do find myself resenting his need to nap so much. It's not that I want to nap but I'd like us to be a team at weekends as I'm spending time looking after the kids on my own in the week and would like some company/help.

I know some people need more sleep than others and if I told him I needed a lie-in, he would offer to entertain the kids. But the truth is I'd rather get up with my kids and play with them (and get my sleep in as they get older) but I don't necessarily want to do it on my own all the time. It's a very lonely place to be.

Mytimewillcome Fri 28-Dec-12 09:31:48

Well we have just come back from Christmas with his parents and he slept alot. He didn't even sleep in the same room as us and I spent alot of time with his parents on my own and I don't even get on with them. We've just had an argument about it I called him lazy and he said that he is going to the doctor where he will blame it all on me for kicking him out of the marital bed because I put the baby in there so he had to sleep on the sofa bed and couldn't get any sleep. We have a kingsize bed and its big enough for the two of us and a baby.

Anyway he has said that I need to start thinking about looking after the children on my own. He is very manipulative.

Zapotek it is a very lonely place.

lottiegarbanzo Fri 28-Dec-12 10:11:01

Good that he's going to the doctor, who will not be interested in his silly games.

By looking after the children on your own, does he mean he is thinking of leaving? Effectively it does surely. That's quite a strong and definite reaction. Something to discuss.

NancyNooNoo Fri 28-Dec-12 10:15:29

He needs his B12 tested. I've just found out I have a low B12 and I have to sleep in the day and I have almost zero energy.

MushroomSoup Fri 28-Dec-12 10:19:30

Needs his B12 tested?

He needs his fucking head tested.

^^yy

Mytimewillcome Fri 28-Dec-12 10:29:59

He's just come back from the doctor and told her that he can't sleep properly because of the children and so naps during the day. She said to him he is doing the right thing! He basically portrayed himself as hard done by. Just completely outrageous.

Zapotek Fri 28-Dec-12 10:43:24

So she didn't test him for deficiencies/illness? No because he he has "lazy bastard syndrome".

I sleep on a sofa bed, I get disrupted sleep. I don't nap in the day. And yes I feel tired but I get up and got on with it. Before I had kids I did have lie-ins and go back to bed when I felt like it- things change.

I think you need to wake him up with a coffee in the morning and say "I need you to get up and help". If he doesn't well then perhaps you should stop washing/cooking/any other things you do for him and just say you are too tired to do these things and look after the kids on your own while he sleeps.

tzella Fri 28-Dec-12 10:56:10

That is outrageous. Docs do seem to take things at face value an awful lot, plus he's a pig for using an appointment as evidence for him being in the right.

What next?

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 28-Dec-12 11:17:27

What I would do is to stop doing his chores - laundry, cooking, shopping, ironing. You are not his slave.

stifnstav Fri 28-Dec-12 11:31:25

What a joker! If you weren't with him then who knows what he actually told her. Did he bring a note home?!

Without a medical condition proving there's a problem, he'd be getting fuck all done for him. That is including you providing his accommodation and cushy teenager lifestyle.

charlottehere Fri 28-Dec-12 11:36:27

I love a nap. blush

AndrewMyrrh Fri 28-Dec-12 11:44:45

But it's not just a nap during the day, is it? He is spending all flipping day asleep. I second that you withdraw doing his chores - dinner, laundry etc - so that he 'can practice doing it on his own'.

Manipulative fucker.

AndrewMyrrh Fri 28-Dec-12 11:47:46

And I'd absolutely pull him on the veiled threat that he made to you about getting used to looking after the children on your own - it's basically STFU or else I'll leave. You are supposed to be a family, a team - not you drudging whilst he sleeps.

You are doing all the work during the day and at night, and weekend is the one time when he could be helping out -instead he is checking out and sleeping all day. angry

mercibucket Fri 28-Dec-12 11:48:10

Well if he doesn't want to find out if there's anything wrong with him, treat him as if he has LBS (lazy bastard syndrome) and get tough. Personally I'd LTB but I'm not keen on slackers.does he add anything to your life?

The thing is -- yes, he may actually be that tired. I know that I would sleep far, far more every day if I could. BUT I don't because I have responsibilities and I'm not a selfish twat.

I would maybe stop addressing this from the viewpoint that he shouldn't be so tired, and instead try an approach of -- okay, so you are really tired all the time, what can we do about it? Because it's not fair on me and the DC if you deal with it just by sleeping all the time. There are other things to be done, changing sleep habits, eating better, taking vitamins, exercise, etc.

I recently made my DH go to the doctor as he was so tired during the day and it turns out he had a massive Vitamin D deficiency -- since taking supplements he has been back to normal. I'm not really impressed the GP didn't run any tests or anything on your DP (are you sure he actually went to the GP?)

If your DP still doesn't respond to this approach, then I'm afraid he's just a selfish twat and you need to think about whether it's worth staying with him. Glad to hear you own your house.

lottiegarbanzo Fri 28-Dec-12 11:53:37

Well doctors can't diagnose when patients lie to them!

Sleeping all day is not napping. Sleeping at night heavily enough not to be woken by the children is not suffering disturbed sleep.

You could talk to your GP about it and ask for pointers to suggest he raises with his.

There could be a physical explanation that he's scared about. Being a blustering arse does not preclude that also being the case.

lemonstartree Fri 28-Dec-12 11:55:08

Andrewmyrrh Gilberts syndrome is a varient of normal and does NOT cause you to 'sleep a lot' . it has no physical manifestations what so ever. Someone is taking the piss here !

AndrewMyrrh my husband has Gilberts too -- I've never heard of fatigue being a symptom in everyday life, I thought it was just when they have an actual attack of jaundice? I understand it's a very poorly understood disease though.

oooh x-post with lemon smile

Yes my DH has never had any real symptoms at all from Gilberts. He does have a lot of digestive issues which apparently some people think might be related but none of that is medically proven.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Fri 28-Dec-12 13:05:17

I think you should just put him out. He's well enough to hold down a job, after all. And whether or not his tiredness could be improved with medication or lifestyle changes, he's enjoying it too much to change it: he's got an excuse to do no domestic work or childcare. While getting rid of him might sound as though it would make your life harder, it wouldn't. You wouldn't have to worry about keeping the DC quiet or tiptoeing round him while he sleeps all the time; also you would no longer have the mix of hope and resentment, waiting for him to get his lazy arse out of bed and take up his domestic responsibilities.

Remember that you don't need his permission or his agreement to end the relationship. Did you say that the house is yours? If so, you can simply tell him to pack and go whenever you like.

Lueji Fri 28-Dec-12 13:16:40

Anyway he has said that I need to start thinking about looking after the children on my own.

Don't you already? confused

What did you reply?
"I have started to think about it and it sounds good to me"? grin

Then explain that you'll expect 50% custody.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 28-Dec-12 13:26:57

Are you not taking his threat to leave you seriously ?

I say it is the perfect solution.

Crinkle77 Fri 28-Dec-12 13:47:09

Has he been checked for diabetes?

AndrewMyrrh Fri 28-Dec-12 16:16:03

Lemons & DB, I believe fatigue can often be an issue with Gilberts, however I have fairly little patience for nap taking at the best of times. DH takes milk thistle which has helped enormously.

OP, there appears to be some underlying resentment about the baby being in your room, and your DP having to sleep on the sofa bed. Did I read that DS2 is 9 months? Do you think it may be time to move him into his own room? Would this actually help matters, or would DP come up with another excuse?

Kundry Fri 28-Dec-12 17:17:17

So he went to the GP by himself and told the GP a crock of shit - it's hardly the GP's fault for not coming to the right conclusion!

It's also likely the GP felt there was no medical problem at all - however your husband is hardly going to come home and say 'yes, the GP thought I was a self-centred lazy arse too' so he decided to say that the GP told him to carry on with the selfish naps as this suits him better and now he can say the dr recommended it.

Sorry this is not a medical problem, it is a relationship problem.

PS. Gilberts doesn't cause fatigue either.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 28-Dec-12 17:20:42

I would take the GP "visit" as further confirmation that there is no other treatment required for this lazy fuck than to be given the "shape up or piss off" ultimatum.

kinkyfuckery Fri 28-Dec-12 17:38:20

How is he managing to nap several times every day when he works? Is he napping at work, or zonking out the minute he gets home? What hours does he work?

Mytimewillcome Fri 28-Dec-12 19:56:33

He has threatened to leave me before and has packed a bag and gone to his parents (4 hours away). The last time was when I was 7 months pregnant with a toddler as well to look after.

This time he came back from the doctors (we had the argument before) and was acting normally but did apologise for being selfish. He also said I had said alot of horrible things to him.

He doesn't nap at work but crashes as soon as he comes home. Works 8.30-4.30.

He has been asleep since 6.30pm. He also had a nap this afternoon for a couple of hours.

Kundry Fri 28-Dec-12 20:03:27

And what time does he go to bed? The only medical issue likely here is appalling sleep hygiene ie sleeping during the day and going to bed late. This actually takes a lot of effort to sort as people tend to be v attached to their routine, even if it isn't helpful. But effort seems quite difficult for him, doesn't it? Much easier for you and the kids to work around him as he is a precious flower.

However his threat that you should look after the children on your own isn't that impressive really is it - seeing as that is what you do now!

Lueji Fri 28-Dec-12 20:18:17

Lots of mums and dads have young babies and don't sleep that much.

He should go to the gp again and try to find a solution for all this sleep.

Worst case, the gp can send him to a sleep clinic to detect sleep pattern problems.

Otherwise, he should start being awake at home and go to bed at night, at a decent time. Or do pack up.

What does he contribute to the home apart from money? And more work for you (cooking, cleaning, washing up, laundry)

Why did he go back last time?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 28-Dec-12 20:25:48

Just put him out the door. Send him to his parents.

You are flogging a dead horse.

CharlotteCollinsislost Fri 28-Dec-12 22:00:31

This time he came back from the doctors (we had the argument before) and was acting normally but did apologise for being selfish. He also said I had said alot of horrible things to him.

So he apologised, but with a sting in the tale. And he turned round your complaint and fired it straight back at you.

My H does that. And he's abusive.

There's a much-recommended book by Lundy Bancroft that you might like to look at and see if your H is doing anything else that's subtly abusive.

Kundry Fri 28-Dec-12 22:36:31

Lueji, I know mumsnet likes to recommend going to the GP to find a medical problem but the overwhelming majority of people going to their GP complaining of tiredness, do not have a medical problem, they have a problem realising that normal life makes you tired, and normal people deal with it.

And he doesn't even want to solve the problem, he just wants to carry on in napworld.

lisad123 Fri 28-Dec-12 23:19:58

sadly for some it is a medical problem, and some serious. i would hate for someone to not go and miss help they need.

ohforfoxsake Fri 28-Dec-12 23:34:57

He needs to go back to the GP and get tested for sleep apnoea.

My DH could drop off as soon as his arse touched the chair. He's a bad snorer, a bit over-weight (packs it on around his neck) and was getting about an hours sleep a night. He'd stop breathing regularly. I was beside myself, neither of us was getting any sleep.

Having had tests done, gone to hospital etc the solution was a really simple mouth piece which he wears when asleep. (google sleep-pro and you'll find it).

Its really worth going back to the doctors and looking at his health and fitness, maybe losing weight.

Or your DH might be a lazy fucker who needs to step up or ship out.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 28-Dec-12 23:43:45

"subtly" abusive ?

nah, it's full-on text book stuff

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 28-Dec-12 23:45:18

lisad...he saw the GP

the GP concluded there is fuck-all wrong with him (apart from being a whiny arse lazy twat)

lisad123 Fri 28-Dec-12 23:51:54

With no tests at all, I'm sorry I know he is likely a lazy arse, but GP sent dh home with no tests, and took a year and 4 trip before a basic blood test proved he was seriously ill.

However, now I'm off my horse, if he has no other signs, he is likely a lazy arse

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 28-Dec-12 23:55:47

the GP obviously thought no tests were necessary (based on his history, and I assume a basic medical exam)

I go with the qualified, trained, medical opinion

Oblomov Sat 29-Dec-12 00:07:53

I am really surprised that almost NOONE naps. Dh and I nap all the time. Most weekends one if us will nap, normally both of us at one time or another. We both have diabetes , him t2, me t1, but we never EVER give eachother any grief about napping. Seems we are well and truely in the minority here!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 29-Dec-12 00:14:16

that is because you are in agreement, oblomov, and the same privilege is afforded both of you

it's not the same thing

I have reached the end of my tether with P's "napping". It dominates his days off one way or another.

I have been sick in bed for 3 days with a bad case of tonsillitis (fever, sweats, shakes, throat of glass the lot) so missing out on precious days off with my 2 dd's and I SWEAR the man is jealous. He has been so hostile to me since I've been laid up.

I'm over it. Absolutely over it. Either he has a medical condition (he doesn't) or he is disengaging with family life or me specifically.

I don't even want to talk about it now. Tried to talk about it many times - got no where. One day soon this man will look back and realise his desire to 'nap' has destroyed life as he knows it.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 29-Dec-12 00:19:05

I am sorry HipHop, but the situation he finds himself is entirely of his own making

I expect, as is usual, you have made very many rationalisations, compromises and a gazillion chances along the way

time to get off the pot

ohforfoxsake Sat 29-Dec-12 00:22:31

Depends on what he told the GP. If he said 'I work really, really hard and am woken 4 times a night by the kids but my wife insists i come to see you' then maybe that spin on it makes the solution (nap more) seem obvious.

But if he went and said 'I'm worried, I can't help falling asleep, something is wrong with me' then the GP might explore the causes.

I can only speak from my experience, and although my DH is prone to lazyfuckeritis, this wasn't the cause of his napping.

Yes AF that is true, but I have had several moments of clarity these last few days. I can't go on like this.

He has taken dds to his Mums tonight (tried to leave 18 month old with me but I insisted he took both or none - the little one is more demanding of course) so tonight, for the first time in over 2 years I am very much hoping to sleep through and wake when I'm ready (or when I needs to take my anti bs whichever comes first). Night night

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 29-Dec-12 00:37:06

night night, HipHop, get some restorative sleep (and you know where we are)

Lueji Sat 29-Dec-12 02:47:20

Sundry, my point was that he should try to get to the bottom of his sleepiness, or step up at home, or leave.

Mytimewillcome Sat 29-Dec-12 09:17:32

HipHopOpotomus this is exactly my situation as well. In all this time while he has been saying he is ill I too have had a cold and have carried on. I remember when my youngest was only 8 weeks old and I had a 24 hour vomiting bug he then decided he was ill as well so when I was throwing up and trying to look after my toddler and breastfeed my baby he was laying on the sofa saying he wasn't well and as usual had absolutely no symptoms.

And guess where he is at the moment. Yes. In bed.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 29-Dec-12 10:48:32

OP, can you see any way to change this situation ? Or you will end up where HipHop is...preparing to end her relationship.

Mytimewillcome Sat 29-Dec-12 12:40:37

I don't know AnyFuckerForAMincePie I basically woke him up this morning at 9.30 and told him to either engage with the family and stop napping or go to his parents. He has gone to his parents. They are 4 hours away. He thinks I am in the wrong and told me that he is sleeping to 'get away from my whiny voice'. I rely on him to take the children to nursery near his work in surrey; I work in Central london so not quite sure how this is going to work out and if it doesn't how I am going to get back to work as I have no family help.

Oblomov Sat 29-Dec-12 12:52:55

"A lot of men don't have naps during the day."
"I work 60 hours a week and I don't nap at weekends"
"I have NEVER had a nap in my entire life!!"

AnyFucker, I hear what you are saying. I appreciate that this is not a problem for us, unlike OP, because we are both happy with it. Plus, Op's situation is a bit extreme, because her dp seems to nap all the time, often to avoid doing anything else, so that is unique.
BUT, that aside, I was just a bit shocked that general consensus seems to be that no one naps. Generally. No one needs a nap.
I thought everyone had an occassional nap. And I don't just mean after Christmas dinner!! I thought it was not THAT uncommon.
Seems I was wrong.

Mytimewillcome Sat 29-Dec-12 13:14:29

So he has just sent me a text telling me that he is going to commit suicide. I have forwarded it to his brother. What else can I do?

Oh dear. Well it sounds like he's made his choice then OP. Are you okay?

You would be better off without him, than enabling his lazy, selfish behaviour. You don't want your kids thinking this is normal and okay.

Do you have any friends that could help out with the school run temporarily?

Could you get a childminder to cover it?

oh gosh, really unfortunate x-post, sorry!

I think you can call the police if you think he's serious.

It might be the best thing, to shock him into getting proper help for whatever is wrong with him.

Oblomov Sat 29-Dec-12 13:25:27

Oh dear OP. This is not good. Hope you are o.k.

EleanorGiftbasket Sat 29-Dec-12 13:30:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lottiegarbanzo Sat 29-Dec-12 13:38:21

Yes, call ambulance / police. Do you know where he is? He needs to be taken seriously, just in case he's serious.

Of course this is probably as sincere, and as manipulative, as his regular 'illnesses'. In that case, calling his bluff and not allowing yourself to be manipulated is a good idea.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 29-Dec-12 13:54:02

A suicide threat ? Inform the police near the adress he is at. Do not engage any further.

How dare he up the ante like this.

hermioneweasley Sat 29-Dec-12 14:03:17

Mytime. - he is just trying to get you to back down. Suicide because you want him to take fewer naps? He's an overgrown toddler. I cannot imagine what he brings to your life. Agree with others who say to infrm the police and go above your life. He's as likely to kill himself as I am.

Lueji Sat 29-Dec-12 14:40:20

Change nursery or find a childminder.

Take some leave to sort it out if you must, but he's still their father.

And report suicide threat to the police.

zapotek Sat 29-Dec-12 15:27:41

I'm sorry OP that things have taken this unexpected turn.

But things were going to come to a head I think. Your DH is now saying he naps to "get away from your whiny" voice not because he's tired so is there something wrong with him , physical illness, depression etc or is he just opting out of family life, trying to break up the relationship in the only way he knows how.

It's all very odd and sad.

You were right to contact his brother and I'm hoping you'll hear further/good news soon.

By the way I'm wondering what your relationship is like with your DH's parents. as granparents, is there any way you can talk to them, expressing your concern for your DH. Perhaps they can shed light on his sleeping habits.

BranchingOut Sat 29-Dec-12 15:59:56

There are nurseries and childminders everywhere - you do not need to depend on him.

Take some emergency leave until you get other places.

stifnstav Sat 29-Dec-12 17:04:10

Thinking of you OP.

AndrewMyrrh Sat 29-Dec-12 18:37:12

Oh my, he is really escalating isn't he?

Have you heard from him since? Have you reported it to the police?

Hope you are ok. You have enough to deal with without his histrionics.

AndrewMyrrh Sat 29-Dec-12 18:38:02

And report it to his GP too, it may put his most recent visit into perspective.

kittybiscuits Sat 29-Dec-12 22:01:08

Hi mytime just to say I'm thinking of you and whatever is happening, try not to rush into any decisions based on this recent claim x

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 29-Dec-12 22:32:56

Wow so you either put up with his laziness or he will leave you / kill himself!

He's going full steam ahead with the emotional blackmail isn't he! All so he can keep his lazy lifestyle.

Id kick him out op. Someone like that isn't going to change. Can you find a childminder near you or nursery?

Can't believe he was leaving a 2 year old unattended while he slept!

How are you Mytime?

I've had an eventful 24 hours - I got to sleep very late (about 2am) and then slept, uninterrupted, through to 11am. Hallelujah. First uninterrupted sleep in 2 or more years.

Had a very quiet day as P and DC are staying at his Mum's. Just pottered around, getting good things done in a nice way. Anti-biotics are kicking in and painkillers took care of the rest. Tonsillitis be gone!

Then I phoned to talk to DD's about 4pm - they are having a nice time. P came onto phone and started ranting at me how I had been completely out of order since November, I need to sort my shit out, he's thinking of leaving, Im a mess, a bad mother etc etc (IE IT IS ALL MY FAULT). I replied "well I would prefer to talk about these matters face to face, but as you bring it up, I no longer want to be in a relationship with you, I want to separate asap". He replied spluttering, fine with me. I said great, please lets try and keep things civilised for the DC. And then he hung up!!! I called back and calmly finished what I had to say.

Obviously this has been building up for a long tome now, but family time over the Xmas break has been such a fucking disaster - not ONE meal together!! Can you imagine that? All I really wanted (and I let him know this is what I wanted for Xmas) was to eat one meal together each day. Didn't happen. He didn't even sit down and eat Xmas dinner with his DC and me. Out of all of this came some very clear moments where I saw very very clearly that this was not the life I wanted at all, and I'd spent enough time trying with this person who eventually undermines everything. He great on holidays and when he makes an effort - absolutely fucking fantastic when he wants to be. But actually most of the time he a lazy arse sleepy fucker who undermines me and devalues our family life. It has exhausted and depleted me living in this madness, sadness and badness.

So the DC are staying over tonight too as I have a special ladies lunch tomorrow. SO I have another night on my own. Ive never been apart from either child this long, but I actually quite enjoy it - it's a fast of what every 2nd weekend will be like I guess. And then I have then to myself Monday & Tuesday, when I will be feeling much better, and we will have lots of fun together.

I feel amazing. I feel sad yes. There is a sense of deep loss and sadness that brings me to tears. My family is fundamentally changing and I face life as a FT working single parent of 2 young girls. It's terrifying. But mostly I feel relieved, excited, happy and free.

No doubt there is oodles of shit to come and I bet he thinks he will be gone 2 weeks and then back. But I am going to insist he takes everything. It's all going to work out.

I probably need to start my own thread as I will be needing some support and advice along the way. But essentially this all comes out of living with a sleepy arsed man, who prioritised sleep and napping over family life. I feel so excited about 2013.

THinking about you Mytime and hoping all is well with you. xx

Mytimewillcome Sun 30-Dec-12 09:31:48

Needless to say he didn't go through with his threat but I reported it to the police so that should teach him not to send me texts like that. The police came round and I showed them the text. He is at his parents and we are absolutely fine. They contacted him to make sure he was ok. I think he is pretty shocked that I contacted them. He was obviously just trying to scare me. He also accused me of bullying him because I wouldn't let him sleep!

HipHopOpotomus my DP is the same. When he is involved he is amazing but those times are getting fewer and fewer. I hope that things work out for you. Amazing how a thread about someone sleeping too much can turn out?!

I am a very strong person. I/we will be fine. We shall be going to the park today so that my two boys can have a bit of fun.

Thanks for the support everyone. It has clarified things for me.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 30-Dec-12 10:27:12

HipHop, you are doing absolutely the right thing.

These rubbish men don't deserve these strong women to carry them for one moment longer

Thank you both. Strangely this thread really spurred me along, combined with disastrous Xmas and my feverish state a window opened, and I had the courage so I did it.

I feel, mainly relieved and light. He is not my problem anymore. Just need to get him out of here!

Missing my girls like mad - haven't really spent time with them since 25th. I'm still on the mend but much better than I was and I have a really fun day planned for the 3 of us tomorrow.

mytime he would rather drive 4 hours to his parents than get up and do something? He is in serious denial and he is avoiding everything. What are you going to do now?

I used to just get on with things in the weekends. I did night wakings. He wld do breakfast while I had a lie in on weekends (just breakfast mind, I never once got up to the dc being dressed or even teeth brushed, just breakfast, tv on, dd2 in high chair both dds in front of tv and he would be sleeping on sofa). I wld get up at 8 or 9 and he wld go straight back to bed. Fair enough for an hour or 2, but no he wld sleep on and on. I got sick of being one to wake him and suffer the consequences (moody resentful angry man child) so we wld just go out.

At first this worked as he wld sleep, then do housework and we wld return home to tidy flat and sometimes cooked dinner. This however changed to sleeping all day, no housework done, no dinner cooked. And he wld still be wearing his "I'm tired how could you do this to me" face!!

He used to drop Dd at school then come home and sleep. Get to work really late. He would NEVER go to bed earlier and wld stay up until silly o'clock watching crap tv. The decision is simple - more Professionals reruns or a proper bedtime and family life? He is on a flexitime scheme so he uses it to - you guessed it- nap.

OMG I never have to look at his ImTiredHowCouldYouDoThisToMe face again. <<< runs around in circles mildly delirious >>>

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 30-Dec-12 12:18:58

grin

he's just got home before me and used laptop & read my posts here.
i will have to NC now. dammit I loved this name ......

I feel sad he read the posts, but at least he seems to have finally heard how I feel.

Farewell HipHopOpotomus - loved you!

Andcake Sun 30-Dec-12 18:11:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 30-Dec-12 18:20:16

Farewell hip, onward and upward !

Hey mr hip...fancy a nap now, do you ?

MushroomSoup Sun 30-Dec-12 23:28:05

Hello Mr Hip. Fancy snooping on Mumsnet at your wife's posts! You could have just asked her how she was doing, but you were probably asleep.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sun 30-Dec-12 23:29:58

Op. What do you think you will do about it all?

cestlavielife Mon 31-Dec-12 00:31:38

Well done op . Police every time and show them his texts.

He will prob try the angry bit for few days then as it isnt working he will turn all soft and lovely and apologise and beg to come back that he will change...do be ready for that. Stay firm.

Formalise some contact maybe with his parents ?

Mytimewillcome Mon 31-Dec-12 09:34:54

cestlavielife yes you are right he texted me the next day and said that he would stop sleeping during the day and start engaging with the children more. I owe my children one more chance with him. I know that this seems like a stupid thing to do but he is their dad. However one chance is all he has. I'm in a better situation than most women in that I earn quite alot more than he does and I own my own house. But I need to be in a better situation childcarewise and need to position myself better before taking that leap. My older son will be turning 3 soon and so we should get free hours soon and I also need to research nurseries near me. So although he is getting one more chance I am certainly not resting on my laurels and my eyes are very much open.

Mytimewillcome Mon 31-Dec-12 09:48:28

HipHopOpotomus I would love to know what happened with you after he read your posts.

TweedSlacks Mon 31-Dec-12 10:11:20

Sounds like a lack of endorphins to me. 0830 -1630 is not a long working day at all.
Maybe he would benefit from an earlier bedtime ? Ok, so he is a sleepyfuckerlazyarse and has to get his act together
Eat dinner an hour or so earlier?
No alcohol midweek as it effects your sleep paterns
No Coffee after 6pm
Inernets and computers go off at say 10pm.
Bet he is pissing around on a smart phone / laptop whilst " sleeping " downstairs
Buy him some trainers and make him go for a 20 min run
No reason why he should anymore than 8 hrs sleep , maybe 8 1/2 at most , beer during the day ? not anymore matey , move your sleepyfuckerlazyarse and take the kids out.
you are more in control now OP as he is back in YOUR home
hth

cestlavielife Mon 31-Dec-12 11:18:24

Could you be late for work for a week ? Have him stay away for longer..,Let him realise what he will lose.

Amazing how he has gone from suicidal to changing his daily habits in one swoop.

Ok so Let him really prove himself ....

When is he going to begin his new regime? I hope is today.... Good luck with this . A promise means nothing without action.

(and watch for the promise that lasts a short time before it s just one little nap again.... )

BoffinMum Mon 31-Dec-12 17:14:38

My DH lies in bed too much as well, and does the whole hypochondria thing, but he does help a lot too. I think your DH needs frightening into action. I'd throw him out for a bit.

Mytimewillcome Mon 31-Dec-12 20:05:06

I could have gone in late for a week as I've got the time off to settle my youngest into nursery but he can't and he can't commute to work from his parents so he has to come back really.

I was the one who told him to leave and he seemed to be a little frightened by it.

The new regime WILL start immediately! I am absolutely adamant he will get one chance only. I've been kicking myself for having married someone who is such a poor role model for my DSs so its not going to take much for me take control of the situation.

Mytimewillcome Mon 31-Dec-12 20:14:09

And I'm pretty sure he thinks that he is teaching me a lesson for 'bullying' him about his sleeping by staying there on NYE but I am with my children tonight (even though they are asleep now) and he is on his own and there is no place I'd rather be than with my little angels.

Hi. I don't think he was actively snooping. I just left the pages up on the lap top and if you scroll back a page it was very clear what I was writing. Hard to avoid. I hadn't thought about him using laptop any time soon. That's all. I'd have done the same.

He was very quiet, took some stuff and left. I think it helped for the seriousness of how I feel now hit home.

We just had lovely NY Party with friends. Pretended it was NY midnight at 7pm (for the DC of course grin) and danced and laughed and had lots of fun. Girls crashed tired and happy. Dd1 is worried about her daddy and hopes he is ok.

I feel good. Lighter brighter. No one is going to shout at me anymore. (That feels amazing!). I don't have to find resources to counter the sleepy nap energy drain that ran through life. I'm making plans for the future. It's all making sense now.

Best of luck mytime. I wish we had managed to crack it, but we didn't. The final straw for you may be around the corner, or you could have a problem solved which will be a huge bonus to all of you. Xx

AndrewMyrrh Tue 01-Jan-13 02:14:09

MyTime,

Happy New Year.

Beryl (my real, non-Xmas NN)

Mytimewillcome Tue 01-Jan-13 10:18:11

Thanks Beryl/AndrewMyrrh. Happy New Year to you as well. Thanks for the advice.

And to you HipHopOpotomus. Sounds like you had a lovely time last night. Its good to be doing stuff instead of seething at the lump asleep upstairs! The boys and I shall be going out to lunch!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 01-Jan-13 12:00:16

good luck mytime, I think you will need it since he thinks he taught you a lesson with his absence

That does not bode well for the chances of his frontal love transplant lasting more than a week or two

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 01-Jan-13 13:53:30

*lobe

duffybeatmetoit Tue 01-Jan-13 14:15:54

My H suffered from sleep apnea in his youth so I always gave him support with his late nights, poor sleep, lie ins and naps and defended him against people calling him lazy. That support stopped when it got more frequent and he wouldn't get help with it. Turned out it was all about detaching from family life which had become unbearable for him.

Needless to say we are now separated and I just feel a mug for having believed in him. Sounds like you are in a similar position.

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