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Ending relationship before christmas - advice please!

(201 Posts)
dipndunk Thu 20-Dec-12 09:12:08

Hi thought I'd start a new thread, rather than continue my old one
I want to end relationship with bf of 19 months, it has been on and off, ups and downs and is just not stable enough for me. I know he isnt the one, although i do care dearly for him. I miss him when we arent together, but i know i have to end it. I am unhappy, it isnt going to go anywhere, i dont imagine a future together anymore. He is the first bf since my marriage of 13 yrs ended. He is totally opposite to exH and we just arent a match, although we are very attracted to each other. The physical side is not enough for me either. Decision made. Although it still hurts.
I dont think he is going to take it lightly. He has an exam tomorrow, so I want to tell him after that. I have had to keep quiet all week. I know it is bad timing before christmas etc but i cant continue, I dont want to go through giving presents etc. I worry about him, as he wont see his ds over xmas, is going to court for access and feel he has no-one, so i am full of guilt. How do i do it?He has planned a meal for tomorrrow night. I want to be kind, but i also want him to listen, which he doesnt. He doesnt take it on board..

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 09:30:02

There's rarely a good time to end a relationship but IME, the longer you put it off, the worse it gets all round. How to do it... have your exit planned so that you can leave straight away afterwards, tell him it's over firmly but kindly (leaving no ambiguities that might be interpreted as a negotiation point), wish him good luck in the exams and with the access etc. Then go.

dipndunk Thu 20-Dec-12 10:23:36 i do it today, or do i wait until after the exam tomorrow? so fed up..

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 10:32:20

To be kind, probably best after the exam. But don't linger afterwards.

dipndunk Thu 20-Dec-12 11:51:19

ok, so i asked him gently if i could have some time tonight (I am absolutely worn out and desperately need some space) he does not like me having "me time" he would be here 24/7 if he could. He doesnt go out with friends or have any hobbies.. I knew he would take offence and he has. He has said he would have expected more right now.. and "how much time do we have to play with?" I dont understand what he means there? He is so needy and i am exhausted by it, trying to please him at the expense of my own wellbeing and happiness... it isnt how it should be.. I havent got back to him. Surely in an adult relationship, he should understand, I am a single parent, have a household to run a job etc.. exhausted.. little support

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 11:54:06

I thought you were dumping him. What is this 'time' you're asking for?

dequoisagitil Thu 20-Dec-12 11:54:28

He sounds controlling actually. Someone who doesn't let you have space and who you think won't accept an ending to a relationship? Well-dodgy.

I suggest you don't sugar-coat it too much, just say you want out.

And be prepared to ignore calls/change your number.

dipndunk Thu 20-Dec-12 11:58:38

I am ending the relationship... but he has the exam tomorrow and is desperate to come tonight. I actually do need some me time, i dont want to see him tonight and pretend, not sure i am capable and dont want to be pushed into telling him tonight.. He is controlling, i have already been through him turning up/constant texts etc.. stupidly i was taken in by it and had gone back to him :-(

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 12:00:41

So forget 'kind'. Just call him, tell him it's over and not to bother coming over any more. Switch off phone, don't answer the door, make arrangements to be elsewhere. Let him deal with the aftermath and get through the exam. He's a knob.

lubeybooby Thu 20-Dec-12 12:01:06

God yes. insist on some me time, then wait til the exam is done. Then don't look back.

Don't worry about it being xmas, there will always be something that means it's 'not a good time' like birthdays, bad anniverseries, or any day with a 'y' in it.

dipndunk Thu 20-Dec-12 12:08:10

oh thank you so much :-) Wish you were both "here" to keep me strong. I feel trapped, like there is no way out. I know he is a knob, I know he isnt my responsibility, but i have spent nearly 2 yrs with him, so i care.. have range of emotions..
Exam tomorrow, then his bday, then christmas.. he doesnt have anyone else.. then i ask myself... i wonder why that is? is he latching onto me and my life?
I seriously want out. Absolutely exhausted by him.
So, I wonder how to reply to his text. He has a meal booked for tomorrow (he went ahead and booked without asking me)..

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 12:12:46

Don't reply to the text. Pick up the phone & tell him it's not convenient for him to come over. When he gets pushy or takes offence treat that as your cue to say 'didn't want to do this to you over the phone but it's clear there's no future in the relationship'. Adios

He doesn't have anyone else in his life because he's a knob.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 12:16:00

BTW.... you may care about him. No law against that. But you need to care about yourself more. You have to be #1 priority in your own life in order to have self-esteem. Constantly putting yourself second or third place just crushes your spirit and makes you feel trapped.

dipndunk Thu 20-Dec-12 12:16:30

so you think i should just do it today then.. cant help but feel it is cruel, however he is sooo pushy, i am finding it hard not to snap. i wont reply to text, but i have a feeling he will turn up tonight regardless :-(

dipndunk Thu 20-Dec-12 12:18:43

i used to put myself first, i am ground down by him and his needs. My self esteem is low, which is probably why i have continued and not had the strength to get out.. I have put some weight on (not drastic) but i had worked so hard previously to lose it. My confidence is low and I am avoiding people, not going out or wanting to.. (he hates me going out) what more can i say? how on earth can 1 person have this effect?

Tamoo Thu 20-Dec-12 12:20:39

Text him and tell him you can't make the meal but will speak to him on the phone tomorrow after his exam. Ignore his interim attempts at contact and break up with him over the phone when you ring him. (It sounds like he might be the type to talk you round so keep as much distance as you can IMO.) But definitely make a clean break tomorrow otherwise it will drag on over Christmas.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 12:29:42

I'd do it today and get it over with. Leave it and you'll just fret for a few more days and maybe even lose your nerve entirely. How can one person have such an effect? Emotional bullying, control, psychological abuse, whether it's low-level or more overt saps your confidence over time, makes you doubt yourself and leaves you choosing paths for a quiet life rather than because it's what you want to do.

He hates you going out?.... Dump him and at the same time tell him you're going out. Even if you're not. Exert control. It's your life now.

dipndunk Thu 20-Dec-12 12:38:55

getting texts from him, saying he feels like a friend, he doesnt want to be somebodies [ANGRY] cuddle up in the night... i texted a long reply but have not sent, have deleted it. He said he is questioning my level of care for him... I feel like a mother.. of course i care, but he needs constant counselling.. it is a drain.. especially when he doesnt listen..
Tamoo, I agree, I dont want this to drag on through christmas. Not even for another day really. If he keeps pushing, i will have to do what Cognito says and let him deal with the aftermath

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 12:41:10

'I don't care for you any more. It's over. You can pick your stuff up at the weekend.'

dipndunk Thu 20-Dec-12 12:43:10

cognito, thankfully, we dont live together, we dont have a child together, so none of that to deal with. I do have a son, who is young and i do not want him as a role model..

Viviennemary Thu 20-Dec-12 12:49:02

No I don't think it's a good idea to finish things before Christmas. Every Christmas from now on he will associate with this. I think it would be kinder to wait till after Christmas. But that's only my opinion.

jackstini Thu 20-Dec-12 12:50:04

Tell him you are going out tonight and can't see him.
Or maye a white lie and say you/ds are sick.
Pack his stuff.
Meet him at restaurant tomorrow and break up in public where he can't do anything awful.
If you think he won't let you speak your piece, have it in a letter written down and just give it him.
Leave straight away - drive or have a taxi booked.
Has he got keys? Change of locks may be in order.

dipndunk Thu 20-Dec-12 13:30:35

oh dear.. lots of calls/texts etc.. i tried to ignore, but i have replied to one to say i just cant continue like this and i am sorry.. he then goes to a self destruct anger and starts threatening things to make me feel guilty. And it works. I'm ignoring those.. it does feel controlling and makes me feel very one edge.
VM, under normal circumstances and with a less demanding person i would wait, but he is making that impossible for me.. Of course i dont want to hurt him but at the same time, it is effecting my wellbeing.. :-(

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 13:31:19

Threats? What kind of threats? Do you feel in physical danger?

dipndunk Thu 20-Dec-12 13:33:08

no, not in physical danger.. threats what he would do himself.. eg.. Im going to end up crashing my car.. i dont want to face him or see him. I dont feel i can stand up to him

In the event that he continues to not accept that this relationship is over after
you have told him, I would not hesitate to contact the police. That could well be a likely scenario for you now.

He will not let go of you easily I fear.

Such damaged and inadequate men like this controlling man use such threats to make their victim, in this case you, feel bad. It is designed specifically to hurt you, he is extremely unlikely to actually carry out what he states.

I presume as well he was charm personified when you met him (how did you meet him btw?). There were and are red flags re this person.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 13:38:10

Threatening to crash his car is straight out of Psychological Bullying for Dummies. Have you ever checked out the typical ways someone can subject you to 'Emotional Abuse' Glad you're not taking any notice of him and glad you've told him it's over. Now you've got rid you should get on and do something else, ignore all contact and definitely don't agree to meet up.

dipndunk Thu 20-Dec-12 13:41:04

I have been here before with him. Stupidly I went back, not sure why? So I do have to take responsibility there. Working out why i did is a different matter.
Dont want to involve the police. I just want to recover and have no drama.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 13:43:14

Do you think you might benefit from looking into the Womens Aid 'Freedom' Programme or some other kind of counselling for how to turn this time into a positive outcome?

dipndunk Thu 20-Dec-12 13:44:50

he is very controlling, but he has just said via text i am controlling? I hope not.
Yes he throws all of the emotional stuff at me. I just need to stay strong and focus on something else. I feel like it is taking over...
there are loads of red flags, always have been.. self esteem low following divorce perhaps a reason i have overlooked. Yes he is a charmer, good looking etc

You may well have to involve the police if he will not accept that this relationship is over. He may well continue to contact you and try and cause you further emotional distress.

No shame in involving the police at all if you have to.

You probably went back because he is plausible on the surface (many abusive men are) and felt sorry for him. Such men can also be charming and charismatic. However, after a while cracks do show as they cannot keep up the act for ever (but long enough to draw their intended victim in).

I would also suggest you put yourself onto the Womens Aid Freedom Programme as such men can and do take a long time to recover from. This can be part of your overall healing process. Your self esteem and worth also has likely taken a battering at the hands of such an individual.

Projection (I note that he has stated that you are controlling) is commonly seen in such abusive men. Its one of the many tactics they employ and they are plausible. Many intelligent women have been fooled by such men, they are good actors.

Do not hesitate to take this matter to the police if you have to. It may well have to involve them ultimately in order for him to be fully gone from your life.

aufaniae Thu 20-Dec-12 13:52:00

Please don't feel bad about involving the police. If he turns up at yours and refuses to go away for example, or starts making a scene on your doorstep.

I was really reluctant to call the police on my ex. Eventually a friend did and it really helped the situation, I don't know why I didn't now.

I now wouldn't hesitate to call them if I found myself in the same situation again.

Can you ask a friend to come and sit with you tonight in case he does come round? Opening up to people in RL about what's going on is a source of strength IME.

dipndunk Thu 20-Dec-12 13:55:32

i feel ashamed. Dont want to admit to anyone, as i went back, so i have to take responsibility for that. Why do i feel so trapped in my life? Really i could go and do whatever i like right this minute, but for some reason i feel literally glued to the house, perhaps that doesnt help with getting a sense of perspective

financialwizard Thu 20-Dec-12 13:57:32

Please please please call the police if he continued harassing you or makes any more threats to kill himself.

He sounds very similar to my exh and believe me I wish I had called the Police on him before I ended up having to.

You are by far from the only one who has been taken in by such a man, they are consummate con artists.

You went back because you are a good person, he took advantage of that good nature of yours big time. Many good natured and intelligent women have fallen for such ultimately dangerous abusive men to their great cost. (Look at that recent case where the female victim was conned out of several hundred thousand pounds by a man who pretended to be some big financial hotshot. He's now in prison).

Please do not feel ashamed, its really not your fault. What you need to do is protect yourself and the police can be very helpful. They take such cases very seriously these days.

aufaniae Thu 20-Dec-12 14:23:56

You don't have to take responsibility for anything. It is this sense of responsibility and wish to do the right thing which makes you vulnerable to someone like him. He will use your good points, and your caring nature to manipulate you into taking his needs into consideration, when he does not deserve it.

None of this is your fault. Going back to him was not a good idea, granted, but it does not follow from that that his subsequent behaviour is in any way your responsibility. He is making this awful situation, not you.

I was very reluctant to tell friends, I was ashamed too. But when I did it was like I broke the spell. It made things easier. I now realise not telling people was protecting him, but not helping me at all.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 15:04:29

"Why do i feel so trapped in my life? "

I agree with the PP that part of why you feel trapped is because you've kept this secret. It's not just the abuse but the pretence and stress of covering it up single-handed that weighs you down in the end. Like aufanie I also felt a wave of relief when I could finally admit what had been going on and stop protecting him. Do you have someone IRL who you could share this with and get their support?

Scarey123 Thu 20-Dec-12 15:42:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dipndunk Fri 21-Dec-12 09:34:22

thank you everyone for your brilliant advice.
As I expected he turned up last night - i knew he would. I actually took my son out after school for some headspace. he was waiting when we got back. Him doing this never gives me a chance to get "fully strong" .. I didnt end it last night although i did say a few things to hint Im not happy. He has the exam this morning, I really do hope he passed, he will find out straight away.
Yes it is the "secret" and pretence that is weighing me down and i dont know why i am doing it, I really dont. Guilt i think?
I am supposed to be going out with him tonight, last night I even said I was, but i think i am going to have to say this afternoon. I cant go through Christmas not being true to myself..
Just dont know why i am finding it so difficult.. well perhaps i do, like i said he isnt giving me space to get strong again, so I am like a child and give in :-(

Leverette Fri 21-Dec-12 09:59:43

That's exactly why this type of person wants to be with you so much - it ensures you have no time or space to reflect and consider your own feelings and needs.

Having been through this myself I would

a) write myself a very brief script
b) phone him and say script, DO NOT get drawn into discussion and DO NOT rise to the manipulative/abusive crap which he will respond with
c) text what you've said as well - he WILL harrass you and this will prove to police that you have ended the relationship once and for all
d) keep all texts received, diarise any weird behaviours eg turning up at your house
e) have an extremely low threshold for speaking to the police and having him warned off - prosecuted for harrassment if necessary

Do not underestimate how persistent and obnoxious these men can be. He will try to make you feel like crap for withdrawing from him.

dipndunk Fri 21-Dec-12 10:14:21

he harassment was mentioned by his ex wife in a solicitors letter :-(
thanks leverette, believe me i have done this already and am then manipulated because of my own stupid guilt
he actually said to me yesterday he feels like he is going to get a call from the police as he feels he is harassing me! why would he say ? do u think this has happened before?

dequoisagitil Fri 21-Dec-12 10:18:13

Yes, please do be prepared to call in the police. You don't have to put up with any kind of harassment. And someone who won't leave you alone is guilty of harassment. He doesn't get to make your life uncomfortable. You don't owe him a relationship.

Tell him it's over - if you can't do it effectively by talking directly to him cos he talks you round or ignores what you say, end it by text or email.

Remember it's not up for discussion - you're allowed to end a relationship that isn't working for you. You get to decide who you have in your life.

catsrus Fri 21-Dec-12 10:20:13

Yes I would say that it has happened before and he knows the drill. Please consider logging this with the police now - you have to put yourself and your son first.

raskolnikov Fri 21-Dec-12 10:20:37

Stay strong Dip - you can do this and with each day that goes by, you'll get stronger against him and his controlling behaviour. Remind yourself of how low he makes you feel.

Do what Leverette says and don't let him talk you round this time - make this a happy xmas for yourself, free of him. Try and confide in someone in RL - they won't think the worse of you for going back to him, more likely they'll understand because you're a kind person.

dequoisagitil Fri 21-Dec-12 10:23:49

Sounds like he has form for this sort of behaviour. Don't disappoint him, please do report him if he doesn't take "it's over" as an answer.

Leverette Fri 21-Dec-12 10:26:52

Ok, based on those two things (harrassment of ex and what he's told you) I would speak with the police immediately after you end it with him.

The guilt is a result of his manipulation - he has already been quite successful in controlling you in order to get his unhealthy and unreasonable needs met by playing on your capacity for kindness.

Keep telling yourself he is an adult not a vulnerable child, and therefore his behaving like a needy child tells you he is not the right partner for you. By all means view him with a degree of compassion, but don't give an inch because he will take a mile.

dipndunk Fri 21-Dec-12 12:30:53

"The guilt is a result of his manipulation - he has already been quite successful in controlling you in order to get his unhealthy and unreasonable needs met by playing on your capacity for kindness."
you've hit the nail on the head. His exam will be over now. I have heard nothing and again, I am expecting him to turn up. Of course i want him to pass, I think he will.

So Im guessing he will be coming with good news and i want to end it.. how on earth do i do that? big sigh. Think Im going to be having the conversation in the next couple of hours..

The thing is i have ended it before, i feel relief, the pressure is off and we seem to get on better. Then expectations change and before i know it, i am "in it" again.. thus the feeling trapped scenario...

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 21-Dec-12 12:50:22

" how on earth do i do that?"

Give me his mobile number and I'll happily end it for you. smile Seriously.... don't let him in your home for a 'conversation'. End it over the phone in words of one syllable and leave no scope for ambiguity. He sounds like someone who doesn't take no for an answer so you're going to have to put all your natural consideration to one side and be prepared to be very blunt or even unreasonable.

Once you've done that, drop all contact even if it means changing your phone, your locks or any habitual routines where he can intercept you. And do consider the police if he has a track record of harassment.

Anniegetyourgun Fri 21-Dec-12 13:18:30

A stern word here: if he tells you he hasn't passed it, you aren't obliged to keep dating him in sympathy. It was the decent thing not to spoil his chances in the exam by dumping him just before it, but he's taken the bloody thing now, so whatever the result you can leave with a clear conscience.

Really, you give his feelings a lot more respect than he gives yours (which isn't hard).

aufaniae Fri 21-Dec-12 13:34:43

Yes, please don't wait for him to come round to end it. Just do it by phone.

Th "right" thing is to end relationships face to face. But that's when we're talking about normal people!

You're already done that and he hasn't respected it.

Given his ability to manipulate and make you feel guilty, he doesn't deserve to be told face to face, not again.

Please stop wondering whether he's passed or not, it's irrelevant to you and your future without this excuse for a man.

Just call or text, tell him you've had enough and he's to leave you alone.

Don't let him in when he turns up, and call the police if he won't go away.

He sounds just like my ex. He will most likely carry on till you take him back or the police get involved. I've learnt now, better to involve them sooner rather than later.

Good luck.

dipndunk Fri 21-Dec-12 15:54:13

thanks everyone, it goes on... he has passed, i am pleased for him, he turned up after to tell me.. i went out with him to lunch (where i was going to tell him on neutral ground ie out of my house) and he was so excited and chatty, i just didnt feel comfortable and could find the right moment... he has gone, but is still expecting me to go out tonight.. Im not thinking the best thing is to go and tell him after a glass of wine and leave later... i am literally bursting to get it out.. i think he might be really shocked...

dipndunk Fri 21-Dec-12 15:55:36

thanks everyone, it goes on... he has passed, i am pleased for him, he turned up after to tell me.. i went out with him to lunch (where i was going to tell him on neutral ground ie out of my house) and he was so excited and chatty, i just didnt feel comfortable and could find the right moment... he has gone, but is still expecting me to go out tonight.. Im not thinking the best thing is to go and tell him after a glass of wine and leave later... i am literally bursting to get it out.. i think he might be really shocked...

dipndunk Fri 21-Dec-12 15:56:38

I meant to say, i AM thinking the best way is to go tonight...

aufaniae Fri 21-Dec-12 15:58:27

There isn't a right moment.

Please can I ask, why can't you just tell him by phone?

He will make it really difficult for you when you tell him. It won't be the "right" moment tonight either, you are going to have to do it at the "wrong" time or there will never be a time!

aufaniae Fri 21-Dec-12 15:59:21

While you are still considering his feelings, he will make it very very hard for you.

dipndunk Fri 21-Dec-12 16:00:45

its guilt i think... why on earth i am going along with it i dont know.. feels right to tell him to his face... no decisions made yet, i will have to decide in the next hour

Casmama Fri 21-Dec-12 16:06:55

I think you are over thinking things here. Do you imagine it was accidental that he was so happy and chatty that you couldn't get a word in edgewise? After last night?

I think you need to phone him now and break up with him otherwise I predict you will still be together at new year.

He has certainly got you dancing to his tune hasn't he?.

He will not make this easy at all for you; he will likely not let go of you easily and I saw the earlier comments re his ex wife.

As aufaniae stated while you are still considering his feelings he will indeed make this very very hard for you. I am also wondering why you cannot just ring him up and dump him over the phone. It is probably guilt on your part but he in no way feels guilty whatsoever for treating you like he has. He will keep on manipulating you and putting you on the back foot.

I think you will have to go to the police subsequently to enable yourself to be fully rid of him because he won't go quietly. Such men do not let go of their victim easily.

Casmama Fri 21-Dec-12 16:10:16

If you are struggling to get the nerve to do it over the phone you are even less likely to do it tonight when it is face to face and he is all happy and chatty again.
He controls when you see him by just turning up and then controls the mood through his behaviour- you need to take control of the situation and stay strong. He will not allow an opportunity to present itself where you can civilly end the relationship, shake hands and walk away.

aufaniae Fri 21-Dec-12 16:15:45

It is guilt. It's how he manipulates you. He uses your kindness and decency to make you do what he wants.

How about this? If you decide to tell him face to face, you promise yourself that if it doesn't happen tonight, you will break off by phone?

It took me ages to break off with my ex. And when I did he wheedled his way back in. It was such a waste of time.

At this rate, he'll be turning up at your doorstep on Christmas and emotionally blackmailing you to let him in. And if you're not careful, you will let him in because you feel guilty (it's Christmas, right?) and you don't want a scene, and you don't want to call the police on someone on Christmas.

All of that is nonsense though. He has no one at Christmas, because he's an arsehole. If he treated people better he wouldn't be in this situation. It's tough, and it's of his own making.

I'm just worried you will be emotionally blackmailed into not doing it.

raskolnikov Fri 21-Dec-12 16:16:14

Honey, you really have to bite the bullet here. It sounds as if he can win you over easily with a smile and a bit of chat - now he'll be happy as a sandboy cos of his exam and you won't want to spoil it. This can keep going on over and over again until YOU draw a line under it.

You need to act decisively and act now. Please stop putting it off - for the sake of your own wellbeing - you can't keep on being manipulated like this, you'll drown under the weight of it otherwise.

aufaniae Fri 21-Dec-12 16:19:20

I'm not saying I think you should meet him face to face btw.

I think he stopped deserving such treatment the first time you tried to split up with him and he didn't respect your wishes. He doesn't care about what you think or feel, not really! He just wants to possess you.

The nest thing all round would be if you could do it by phone. As Cogito suggested, something along the lines of

"I'm sorry, this isn't working for me anymore, I don't want to see you again". That's all it needs. You don't need to meet him, on a meal you didn't agree on anyway. He's still manipulating you.

You've already told him you're unhappy, he doesn't need any explanation.

Tamoo Fri 21-Dec-12 16:22:17

I agree that you seem to be a bit 'rabbit in the headlights' when you are face to face with this guy. You need to do it over the phone. Also if you go ahead with meeting him tonight he is likely to be instigating plans for Christmas week and you will end up tangled even further with arrangements you feel obliged to go through with. And basically you will have a shitty Christmas. And still need to break up with him.

Come on OP. Imagine the sense of relief you will have afterwards. Phone him, keep it short, block his number, pour yourself a nice drink and have a great evening watching something funny or uplifting and wrapping presents smile

Viviennemary Fri 21-Dec-12 16:28:38

When you first posted I said wait till after Christmas. But reading your other posts I am now agreeing that the sooner the better. And he has passed his exam now so no need to worry about that aspect of things. It is never going to be the right time for a man like this who is determined to manipulate you and make you feel really guilty. I hope you work things out. Nobody should be so controlling.

twentythirteen Fri 21-Dec-12 16:30:47

He might become more clingy the more he feels you backing away so might as well just make a clean break of it. I understand the wish to be nice, but breaking up usually hurts someone, and it isn't really nice being with someone out of pity.

twentythirteen Fri 21-Dec-12 16:32:32

And whether you do it by phone or face to face is up to what you feel able to do really, it's more important to get it done than to push yourself to do it in the best way possible, what's best for each of you might be different.

izzyizin Fri 21-Dec-12 16:36:41

You are still letting him pull your strings and, if you carry on like this, you're going to have his feet under your table this Christmas Day - and many more to come.

Give him a call, tell him it's over and make it clear that, with reference to his remark of last night, if he harasses you he will be getting a visit from the police.

Doha Fri 21-Dec-12 16:41:08

Come on OP you have had plenty good advice on here.

Stop delaying it. There is no way you can end this ace to face as you keep getting drawn back in and he knows this.

A phone call or text is all that is needed then block his number NOW

beckyboo232 Fri 21-Dec-12 17:54:34

Any news? You've had some great Advice here op. I hope you take it, there is no pain free way but sooner rather than later in this case I think.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 21-Dec-12 18:09:07

Here's how it's going to go unfortunately.....

- You'll meet him later for dinner and he'll be so chatty you won't end it.
- Then you won't want to spoil Christmas
- Then you'll feel bad about him being alone on New Year's Eve
- Then it won't be right to dump him because it's Valentine's Day/his birthday/Easter/the dog's birthday/any day with a 'y' in it....

.... etc.

Mu1berryBush Fri 21-Dec-12 18:15:02

Listen, choose a phrase that can't be argued with. One that is about you not him. eg

I don't want to continue this relationship.
I need to be on my own.

If he argues with you, like you are wrong to say/think that it's all over, repeat it calmly. I am single now.

Cogito is right, it's ok to be concerned about what he wants but you need to prioritise what you want not just equally but above what he wants! otherwise the relationship will go on and on and on and then you'll have valentines....

tribpot Fri 21-Dec-12 18:22:28

You're never going to find a comfortable moment to break up with someone. Swift, brutal, decisive. Just get this done. He's going to cling like a limpet if he suspects you are trying to get rid of him - the 'joke' about the police was designed to make you feel stupid if you did call them "but I was only joking! How could you have taken that seriously" etc etc.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 21-Dec-12 18:32:30

are you one of those OP's that never takes any of the advice they ask for on mumsnet ?

for gods sake, dump this needy fucker and put us all out of our misery

Well said AF !!!!!

aufaniae Fri 21-Dec-12 19:02:51

dipndunk I hope you're managing to speak to him now, and have done the deed and are a free woman!

However if it doesn't work out face to face, please don't blame yourself. If he's anything like my ex I know he's going to make it as hard as possible.

If you do end this evening still with him, I suggest you need to rethink the dumping him face-to-face as it's just not working, and go for dumping by text.

Although hopefully that's academic as he's now the ex!

<keeping fingers crossed>

financialwizard Fri 21-Dec-12 19:20:35

Hope you got on ok OP and that you are now a free agent. If not, get on the mobile to him and tell him that way.

dipndunk Tue 25-Dec-12 23:29:39

thought I'd give an update, sorry i havent had a chance to get back. Feeling absolutely rubbish. I think due to emotion and it being Christmas day, I couldnt go on any longer with his constant pressure so it ended up me snapping tonight and its over. Feeling quite numb, wish i had done it sooner etc.. even bought him a bday and christmas present. Know it is the right thing.. arghh :-(

ImperialBlether Tue 25-Dec-12 23:39:52

That's good news, dipndunk. How did he take it? Is there a chance he'll think you were just in a bad mood and didn't mean it?

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Tue 25-Dec-12 23:40:27

Sorry you are feeling rubbish. As you've said, you know you've done the right thing. Just stick to your guns if he tries to change your mind...

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 25-Dec-12 23:44:02

So, has he listened to you ?

he accepts your relationship is more contact, finito ?

Xales Tue 25-Dec-12 23:44:20

you need to stick to it now!

You told him you needed space and caved as soon as he hassled you.

Good luck.

dipndunk Tue 25-Dec-12 23:48:51

I think he has well and truly got the message, i feel terrible. He has really got me down with his unreasonable demands, trying to take over me and organise what he wants with me, without my input.. sorry to say it, but i didnt snap as in shouting etc, i told him how i feel, he tried to kiss me and say merry christmas and leave (wtf?!!!) unfortunately, and this isnt me at all... I ended up telling him to f off sad no excuse for that i know. But shows the extent i have feel pushed... not sure he'll be back.. why do i feel so angry??

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 25-Dec-12 23:52:14

You feel angry because you haven't been listened to...'tis natural

dipndunk Tue 25-Dec-12 23:59:54

yes, you're right.. so why am i thinking things from his point of view rather than mine? i need to detach from it.. hopefully a good nights sleep might help..

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 26-Dec-12 00:02:20

Because he has trained you to always look at things from his POV (or someone earlier in your life and development taught you that men are to be revered and their opinion means more than yours)

You can stop doing it though

dipndunk Wed 26-Dec-12 00:09:15

i should have stopped doing it a long time ago. He is dominant, takes things personally etc like to be in control. I am not allowed to be "me", if i am quiet he takes it personally, am i not allowed to be quiet or tired? i am not allowed to talk to other men or other men talk to me.. a shop assistant at supermarket was being very friendly talking ot my son and I about christmas etc.. i could see him fuming, stupid thing is, i wasnt me, hardly talked back as i felt "frightened" he hated it?? there was nothing in it, awful. So annoyed with myself

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 26-Dec-12 00:12:21

It's never too late to start being "you"

You've taken the first big step and offloaded the mill stone around your neck. It can only get better now

If you have nothing more to do with contact at all

bestsonever Wed 26-Dec-12 00:15:30

Sounds fairly tame as an ending, not convinced he will get the message, hope you will stick to your guns in the future, sounds like you have been quite meek and mild till now and if he's been that controlling I doubt you've heard the end of him. Dig in an stick to what you want out of life.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 26-Dec-12 00:17:11

Yes, I don't think you've heard the last of him either

He'll be back with a different tack...or possibly a well-tried one he has been successful with before.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Wed 26-Dec-12 08:27:09

" But shows the extent i have feel pushed... not sure he'll be back.. why do i feel so angry??"

I don't think you've been taken seriously at all. He'll rationalise it that you were stressed/having a bad day/time of the month/etc and he won't think he's been dumped at all. Controlling types like to be in control of everything... including when and how the relationship ends. Glad you've started to assert yourself however. You are right to feel angry and you were right to get angry with him.

aufaniae Wed 26-Dec-12 09:00:26

Well done for doing it!

If he's gone, great! But if he does contact you agan, please be really wary. Don't let him in your house. If he won't get the message, tell someone who cares about you. And tell us! We're here for you smile

Squeegle Wed 26-Dec-12 09:05:42

Well done. Sounds like you have done just the right thing. Your feelings about not being "allowed" to be tired or quiet resonate with me.

You will need to carry on being strong- sounds like he is used to being able to manipulate you, and he may need telling a second time that you are no longer putting up with it.

Whatever you do, don't feel sorry for him. Think of yourself and your sanity. I promise in the end it will be liberating.

dipndunk Wed 26-Dec-12 22:48:21

thanks for the support. I have heard nothing today from him. In fact in some ways dont know what to do with myself, keep expecting him to turn up so am on edge. Then i go to feeling guilty. yes, i need to keep strong. I suppose it is all part of the process of beginning to get over it. I wonder how he is, how he is reacting. I feel awful for telling him to f off, but there is only so much someone can take, i felt pushed and pushed, he was pushing the buttons, i think he knew he was.. was he trying to hurt me? Make me feel bad.. i dont know.. i need to get rid of the guilt feeling, but i dont want to get bitter.. emotions a bit all over the place

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 26-Dec-12 22:52:02

hmm, you are absolutely ripe for the emotional blackmail that is to come

dipndunk Wed 26-Dec-12 22:55:59

thank for the reminder affamp.. this has been the problem.. do you think it will come? or do you think he will leave me be and i can get stronger?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 26-Dec-12 23:00:24

I think you would be very naive to think this is the end of it

and you would be foolish to think anything will change....unless you have a massive seachange in your head, about what you are prepared to accept in a relationship

have you ?

DistanceCall Wed 26-Dec-12 23:00:28

Try to feel anger. Anger is much, much better than guilt or pity. (And much better for self preservation). Remember how he would take advantage of you.

scaevola Wed 26-Dec-12 23:01:24

You are already stronger than you think.

You are totally clear in your mind that this relationship is over, and if he does reappear then you simply need to reiterate that (and if he turns nasty, get help as other posters have pointed out).

And don't worry if you feel (briefly) sorry for him or compassionate towards him. This is normal, and simply part of the sense of loss of what might have been had he been the man you once thought he was. You know that he isn't that man, so you won't let those feelings overrule the decision you have made and are capable to sticking with.

dipndunk Wed 26-Dec-12 23:08:12

I know it wont change, because he either isnt capable or just doesnt want to listen to me. He needs to be in control and the dominant one - the centre of attention. I am not going to have a change of heart or accept this from a relationship. I am unhappy, it is unhealthy.. I am tired of it, his negativity drags me down.. his dramas tire me out.
I do get the anger feelings DC.. i do feel used and felt i have "carried" him..
He has a very good way of making me feel guilty, my mother also has this effect and i need to not take it on board.
from experience i should think this wont be the end of it, but i am not so sure. I think he is as frustrated as me in a sense that i cannot meet his constant demands. I have a child of my own, i dont need another one (ie him)

dipndunk Thu 27-Dec-12 23:27:02

Just wanted to say a special thank you to "AnyFuckerForAMincePie" with this comment...
hmm, you are absolutely ripe for the emotional blackmail that is to come

I heard nothing from him yesterday, this evening he turned up, waiting for me to return home. He was crying, is an emotional wreck.. got me in tears with the nice things he was saying.. then.. it all changed... he started getting agressive in his nature, saying awful things etc.. huh?? seriously couldnt keep up and doesnt make sense, how can it go from one thing to the next in the space of a couple of hours? is he in SUCH a state? yet calm with it?? hmm.. weird.. however i kept strong and all that kept going through my mind is what anyfucker said.. you are all making me realise this is a tactic, he KNOWS what he is doing, yet i was taken in by it.. not anymore... also came the threats he has been thinking of suicide, heard it before, yet the next day he is out working his charm applying for jobs???? WTF.. never seen anything like it before...

freeandhappy Thu 27-Dec-12 23:52:01

Well done. Keep getting space for your own thoughts and feelings to make themselves heard above his persistent voice. If someone threatens suicide you should inform the police. He is going to keep up a long campaign is my guess and it may involve ignoring then begging then stalking. It's all controlling. Give him no information about you or how you are feeling. Try to detach. You are entitled to your life an he is not entitled to help himself to your life.

WinterWinds Fri 28-Dec-12 10:00:13

Have been following this thread but haven't posted till now.

Well done Dip You have taken the first step into getting the control back in your life. The hard part is staying strong and sticking to your guns.
I'm pretty sure you haven't heard the last of him.

You have told him how you felt and why you needed to end it, therefore no further emotion needs to be given. You no longer need to justify why you have ended things with him so if he does keep coming back to you, be blunt and just keep repeating that "it's over"... "you dont want to be with him anymore".

If you show any kind of emotion he will use that against you.
He will try any which way he sees fit to get what he wants. He tried being nice that didn't work, so then he tried aggression, that didn't work, then turns to guilt that didn't work, so off he goes on his merry way and carries on his life (looking for a job) until the next time.

This is all about control for him, he needs to realise that you are now the one in control and you will not give in no matter what emtional shit he throws at you.

Keep strong for your sake and that of your child, you both deserve so much better!!!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 28-Dec-12 12:13:06

this is the real man you are seeing now

he does the "nice guy" act until he realises it is no longer working

he cannot keep it up for long (even Master Manipulators cannot keep up the pretence indefinitely)

when you start to see through the act, he will switch it around ...nice/nasty (google the nice/nasty cycle) behaviour designed to wrongfoot you (read Lundy Bancroft "Why Does He do That", you will find this man in that book)

you don't need this chaos in your life

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 28-Dec-12 12:15:26

the solution ?

cut all contact

and mean chats, no calls, no texts, no emails, no letters nothing

if he turns up tell him to leave and if he kicks off call the police, threats of suicide, the same

dipndunk Sat 29-Dec-12 12:11:19

just wanted to update, i am going through the same as last time, and you are all right, however this time i am listening. I swear. I am not going back, I am keeping strong. He came last night, i turned him away, he came this morning trying to persuade me to go away with him, Im not. In fact, I am going away myself for the night ON MY OWN to gather my strength and keep it going. He has cried etc and to be honest i am past feeling sorry and the guilt, i am just fed up with it. Simple. It isnt attractive, it gets on my nerves (sorry if that sounds harsh) but I am fed up of this drag in my life, who wants to be with me 24/7 and behaves like a child.
Winterwinds, thanks, I am seeing the cycle and i am getting stronger being straight with him. He hates it and cannot cope with it, he says it is because he cannot face it. HE DOESNT LISTEN, ever. I am not heard, it is like i am his possession or something. He even told me he feels like he is hounding me. ARghh anger.. anyhow, i am having some "me time" to go and recuperate somewhere, where he doesnt know i am.. I know it is the right thing, I dont want to get myself down though

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sat 29-Dec-12 13:13:28

It doesn't sound harsh. If anything, you can afford to be harsher smile Now you've realised what the game is and where the pathetic crocodile tears fit into the picture, I'm not surprised you despise him. If he persists, tell him straight that you're wise to his tricks, the crap isn't washing any more & that he's to piss off. If he threatens suicide, offer to supply painkillers. If he really persists, get the police onto him... there are laws about stalkers and other men that won't take no for an answer.

Hope you have a lovely time away. The longer you can drop contact, the clearer you will be able to think and the less influence he will have over you. Good luck

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 29-Dec-12 13:58:56

Op,, you are impressive, seriously. Keep going. It's great to see that lightbulb moment come to something healthy x

dipndunk Tue 01-Jan-13 03:35:53

ok. update. I have been attacked tonight by him, so upset and.. bravely i called the police, although i am petrified now of what will happen. he even shouted to me "its not over". what on earth do i do?

TalkativeJim Tue 01-Jan-13 03:45:56

OP you have already done exactly the right thing, and right now you do not need to do anything more.

Are the police on their way?

Are you safe?

It IS over - and you will be FINE because you have the guts and wherewithal to have called the police now that he has escalated to this.

They will help and advise you. Don't let it drop, the best thing you can do to slap this idiot down once and for all is to press charges, and also tell people what has happened - both so that you can get support and that his actions are held up to the spotlight.

It WILL be over, oh yes it will. Because the stupid little prick is about to get the shock he deserves.

Probably not many more folk around right now OP, but more support will be along in the morning. Until then, don't worry, you will be ok and have done exactly the right thing. Hugs!

dipndunk Tue 01-Jan-13 03:49:17

the police and him have gone. i feel absolutely terrible, but he grabbed me and hurt me and i was frightened it would escalate. i am safe. i am so upset to have done it.he shouted threats while the police were here, i am so upset. what happens if he comes back?
thanks, i am in tears, absolutely awful, but he hurt me, grabbed me around my neck, just dont know what he was capable of

TalkativeJim Tue 01-Jan-13 03:53:11

Did they say what would happen next? Have they taken him in?

Is there anyone you can call to be with you?

What an idiot to shout threats when the police were there. I hope he's spending the night in the cells.

In the morning, take photos of any marks/bruising.

Feckthehalls Tue 01-Jan-13 03:53:16

Has he been charged with assault ?

Feckthehalls Tue 01-Jan-13 03:53:56

You must never ever allow this man near you or your child ever again. Are you ok ?

dipndunk Tue 01-Jan-13 03:55:51

no, they have taken him home, i didnt want to press charges (if thats what it is called) i just wanted him to be removed. he threatened to call my employers. so frightened of him. i just want it to go away :-(

TalkativeJim Tue 01-Jan-13 03:56:21

Reading your post again it sounds like he hasn't been arrested.

If he were to come back, you'd call them again. Then he really would be in the shit. I take it he can't access your house?

Sounds like a restraining order will be the way to go, but hopefully you could press charges for assault. Remember - people like this are COWARDS. Your responding like this could well mean hat that's the last you see of him.

dipndunk Tue 01-Jan-13 03:56:35

thanks for the support, im a mess :-( what a way to start the new year

TalkativeJim Tue 01-Jan-13 03:57:57

So what if he calls your employers??!!

Please- call the police in the morning and PRESS CHARGES.

If you want to get rid of this wankstain, that's the way to do it.

dipndunk Tue 01-Jan-13 03:58:44

i have put up with it for a long time he has stalked me and even admitted it :-( he cannot access my house, no. I dont want any harm to come to him, i just want him away from me,. he threats etc.. i was really frightened. so aggressive

PessimisticMissPiggy Tue 01-Jan-13 03:59:47

Op sorry to hear that this knob has stepped into this area. Hopefully a good talking to by the police will sort the situation out and warn him off.

Do you have a friend you can call and go to stay with this evening? Is your DS with you?

Stay safe and strong. You can do this.

Thumbwitch Tue 01-Jan-13 04:00:22

If he comes back, call the Police again. Do not let him in. Avoid talking to him if you can apart from to say "Please leave, I have called the police".

And can I also suggest that you avoid any contact with him whatsoever after this - delete/block his number from your phone, make no attempt to email or otherwise speak to him - try and eliminate him completely from your life, or he will find a way to weasel back in.

I hope you're ok - what an awful start to the New Year for you sad

dipndunk Tue 01-Jan-13 04:00:35

stupidly, i just cant do that to him. his ex wife divorced him with reasons including domestic violence. he is a broken man, i dont think it is his fault, even so, i dont deserve to be attacked to standing up to him

TalkativeJim Tue 01-Jan-13 04:02:06

Bullies are cowards.

Have a think about all this, OP. The best way to put an end to this is to hit back at him. If he thinks you won't press charges/have him arrested, then yes he will continue to harass you. But it's easy to do, you will be supported, and it will likely put an end to his nonsense. Oh, and make sure that he'd be the one looking like a twat to any employer, be they yours or his!

mantlepiece Tue 01-Jan-13 04:02:35

so sorry he has subjected you to this. Did the police arrest him and is he in a cell tonight?

Tomorrow morning you should get a visit from the police to discuss your future safety, they can provide panic buttons, and also will log your number so if you call them they will be there very quickly.

You have absolutely done the right thing, no need to worry on that score, keep posting here for support.

PessimisticMissPiggy Tue 01-Jan-13 04:02:38

Sounds like he's even more of a knob. Ring a solicitor tomorrow and get a restraining order. Fucker! How dare he!

dipndunk Tue 01-Jan-13 04:03:02

my ds is with his dad. safe. i cannot afford a man like this in our lives. i am so upset it came to this. i heard him work his charm with the male officer while i was upstairs. thankfully i had support with me and the lady shook her head.. she knew.

TalkativeJim Tue 01-Jan-13 04:03:26

So he treated his ex the same?

Wake up, OP. He's not a 'broken man'. He's a nasty calculating abuser.

Thumbwitch Tue 01-Jan-13 04:04:37

"stupidly, i just cant do that to him. his ex wife divorced him with reasons including domestic violence. he is a broken man, i dont think it is his fault, "

Yes, it is his fault. Otherwise you are falling into the trap of victim blaming. His exW divorced him with reasons including DV - do you think that was her fault? if not, then it can only be HIS fault. Accept that. He is not a broken man, he is a violent abuser, and you have only just seen the start of it now. Be grateful he's taken this long to get to this point and now get out and away before he escalates.

dipndunk Tue 01-Jan-13 04:05:41

yes talkativejim, he grabbed her by the throat. he was very sorry and cut up about it, i gave him the benefit of the doubt, and ultimately he has done the same to me

dipndunk Tue 01-Jan-13 04:08:32

im vulnerable and scared, my strength will come back. it is plain wrong though, i was frightened in my own home, he took my keys and phone from me but the police got them back :-( i just wonder, why me. Im strong I'll get past it, im just so upset

TalkativeJim Tue 01-Jan-13 04:09:09

Look, you have a child to consider.

Not this man who is so 'broken' that when cornered by the police he starts 'working his charm' - oh yes, he's just in pieces, isn't he?

Talk to the police tomorrow.

Photograph any marks.

Speak to a solicitor.


Because you are right, you cannot afford to have this in your life. And not taking this further is simply iniviting it further in.

You can get rid of this man.

dipndunk Tue 01-Jan-13 04:13:28

makes me so confused, i was very scared the fact he seemed to be joking with the police officer while i was scared.. makes me feel he knows what he has been doing

dipndunk Tue 01-Jan-13 04:15:29

how do i get over this?

Astelia Tue 01-Jan-13 06:06:08

You will get over this. You are strong and have listened to and acted on all the brilliant advice here.

My thoughts are- write down everything that has happened, with dates, since you broke up. Continue to make a record of new events. Screen shot messages. Press charges against this violent unpredictable man; he has attacked two women and must be stopped. Make a solicitors appointment as soon as they are open and talk to a solicitor. They will have seen it all before and will have some good advice on how to proceed.

dipndunk Tue 01-Jan-13 08:12:04

ive woken up thinking it was a dream :-(
i will start to write things down from now but somehow i dont think i'll ever hear from him again. i'm not taking it further, i dont want the stress but i guess it will still be recorded against him

juneau Tue 01-Jan-13 08:23:10

his ex wife divorced him with reasons including domestic violence. he is a broken man, i dont think it is his fault

I'm sorry, but this doesn't make sense. You don't think it's his fault? When he's attacked at least TWO women that you know of? Please, stop trying to be kind to him and rescue him. He's counting on the fact that you're too weak to do him any real harm and he's threatened you that 'it's not over'. If you honestly think he's going to leave you alone to get on with your life, you're wrong. Please press charges. Show him you mean business and you're not going to be messed with. And don't count on the fact that he can't get into your house. How do you know he didn't get a key copied at some point? He sounds very dangerous to me, not a 'broken man' at all. He's an abuser and a manipulator and you're playing into his hands by trying to creep away quietly - he has no intention of letting you do that - as he's made clear.

juneau Tue 01-Jan-13 08:26:02

Two other things that I don't think have been mentioned:

1) Contact Women's Aid
2) The Freedom Programme

You sound very isolated and vulnerable and like you need some support.

dipndunk Tue 01-Jan-13 08:32:15

i'll get my strength back when i can think more clearly. i did the right thing didnt i? i dont think he would have left and i didnt want it to escalate. he pushed me on the stairs, grabbed hold of me and was shouting. i really hope you are wrong juneau. he threatened to smash my windows and slash my tyres :-(

dipndunk Tue 01-Jan-13 08:35:27

i did contact women aid last night, just for someone to talk to, but it was busy and i didnt leave a message. Im not isolated, or i dont need to be, however i certainly feel it. i have people i can tell but im worried about their reaction. i feel i want it to sink in myself first. hardly had sleep so not thinking clearly

juneau Tue 01-Jan-13 08:42:04

i really hope you are wrong juneau.

Do you want to take the chance that I'm not? With a small child in the house? You absolutely did the right thing last night in calling the police last night. No question about it. But this is not going to go away, as you're hoping. He's threatening you and you're not taking those threats seriously. Why? Because he's a broken man? He's not. He's manipulating you into not pressing charges by all this crying and wailing and 'broken man' act - but notice how he switches very quickly from crying and pleading to threats and violence? That's how abusers control the people around them. And he's still controlling you. Remember, he's done this before. His ex-wife divorced him for abusing her and he admits stalking you FGS. Wake up! Last night was NOT dream.

juneau Tue 01-Jan-13 08:44:51

And please tell your family, friends, etc what's been going on. It's a classic abuser's tactic to isolate and shame the person they're abusing. You need strength and your friends and family will give you that. Pick up the phone today and tell them. All of them. Tell them about last night and the police. Tell them about the threats to break your windows and slash your tires. They will be horrified, I promise you. And they will be on your side and give you strength. And please, call Women's Aid back. This is how you can take back control of your life.

dipndunk Tue 01-Jan-13 08:52:04

my child isnt here and has not witnessed anything between us at all. He made threats while the police were here, so they have heard it, it is like nothing scares him and he is above it all. maybe he will wake up this morning and realise what he has done and be sorry rather than let the anger take over.. he had a lot to drink last night

juneau Tue 01-Jan-13 09:00:16

maybe he will wake up this morning and realise what he has done

I wouldn't count on it.

You're always hoping for the best, but his history gives you no reason to be optimistic.

Isabeller Tue 01-Jan-13 09:00:47

Upthread Anyfucker advised 'cut all contact'. Please do that however difficult, it was the only way I could even begin to make rational decisions when in a similar situation several years ago.

If it helps think of it like staying sober for an alcoholic, you might think one drink won't hurt but soon you are back where you started or somewhere worse.

Good luck.

dipndunk Tue 01-Jan-13 09:08:10

yes Isabeller, i have tried cutting contact, ignoring texts etc but he comes to my house. I asked him to respect my space and he said he is struggling to let go, but he is coming to me to help and Im not the person to help. It escalated last night because i got harsh, previously i haven't and i have listened to him,then i have found i get dragged back into it and because he doesnt give me space, it gives me no time to get strong again. anyone understand?
I want to cut contact, i know i can do it.I hope he leaves me alone.

dipndunk Tue 01-Jan-13 10:03:26

ok, although im hungover, i am thinking a little more clearly and I feel stronger than in the night. Im re-reading my post. thank you all. I'll get over it. Why do people stalk? it is awful. I have found myself jumping in my own house, just at small noises etc, looking out the window to see if he is there. Again, i know i need another focus on something else to not let this horrible feeling take over me.

Thumbwitch Tue 01-Jan-13 10:08:01

I think you need to redirect your feelings into getting angry, tbh. How DARE this man treat you in this way, treat you with such lack of respect for your feelings and your wants? How DARE he lay hands on you, presume to think that he can do that and get away with it? (Which he will, btw, if you don't press charges).
How DARE he think he is so important that he can stalk you/his exW (I got a bit confused there) with impunity?
And how DARE he get you to a state where you're jumping at shadows in your own house!

Anger is powerful. Find it and use it.

WeeWeeWeeAllTheWayHome Tue 01-Jan-13 10:15:21

Please press charges. He doesn't deserve your pity and he certainly doesn't deserve your protection. It is you and your child that need protecting, and you have to do everything you can to keep yourselves safe, including pressing charges.

He has already shown that he thinks he's "above it all" - do you think a man like this will voluntarily stop being an abusive bully for (as he sees it) no reason?

It's a terrible position to be in, and you've handled it amazingly; I'm in awe of you dipndunk. Please pursue this with the police so you have RL support in protecting your family.

dipndunk Tue 01-Jan-13 10:18:01

thanks thumbwitch.. it will come. to be honest im a bit shocked and kind of numb, dont know how i feel. cannot believe the force he used on me :-( he was drunk,but still. he kept repeating,"do you know who i am?" "this is not the end" etc etc all threats.

MrsTomHardy Tue 01-Jan-13 10:22:55

You need to get angry, he is a total knob.

He is not a broken man, he's an abuser who knows exactly what he's doing!!

Keep safe, and log everything

Anniegetyourgun Tue 01-Jan-13 10:25:46

Another in favour of taking it further. It is very likely that this man will only leave you alone when he gets someone else to bother (with his charm it shouldn't take long once he's given up on you... however long that takes). It is only a matter of time before he grabs her by the throat too. He's already lost a family through acts of violence, yet he clearly hasn't learned anything from it. There is no reason to assume he will learn this time either. Do you think his ex wife never called the police?

OK, your child wasn't in the house this time. He didn't see anything; it was "only" his mother who was terrified and hurt. So that's all right then! Are you quite sure the ex will hold off causing trouble during the times you have your son with you? And is that really the point anyway?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 01-Jan-13 10:42:28

You must press charges if you want to get him out of your life. All the time you are making excuses for him, asking him nicely to leave you alone and so on, he is simply growing in confidence that he's untouchable. Remember the story of Tina Nash? She kept taking her abuser back, thinking he had changed, that his violent history was behind him and he was simply a troubled soul. She lost her eyes for being so understanding.

You are not strong enough to stand up to this man alone and he knows it. With the police and the full weight of the law behind you, you might get some peace. That's why you need to take this further. Sorry you've had this experience.

aufaniae Tue 01-Jan-13 11:55:20

"he doesnt give me space, it gives me no time to get strong again. anyone understand?"

Yes I understand completely. My ex was like this.

You are doing so well to have seen him for what he is in just a year.
He sounds just like my ex, who, incidentally didn't get violent till we'd been together a few years, but looking back I realise it was always on the cards. It was really hard to get away from him. It was only getting the police involved and telling my friends what was going on that really helped in the end.

Got to go look after DS, I'll be back later.

dipndunk Tue 01-Jan-13 23:04:19

thank you. i have been ok today, managed to keep myself distracted and be around people although i have said nothing. he was outside my house tonight. I was scared and got in and locked the door as quickly as possible. he went. i dont ever want to see him again. not sure why he was there, to scare me, to apologise, no idea which way he would have been. i do not want any contact for this overpowering controlling pathetic excuse of a man. i have a right to come home and feel safe. as yet i havent told anyone as i need to feel stronger in myself. having panic attacks on and off but practicing deep breathing and trying not to let my imagination run wild :-(

MysteriousHamster Tue 01-Jan-13 23:15:40

You need to call the police.

Thumbwitch Tue 01-Jan-13 23:52:15

If he comes again take a date-stamped photo. Keep a log of sightings/happenings and log them with the Police.
Stay safe and have a ((hug)) - it sounds horribly unnerving.

IDontDoIroning Wed 02-Jan-13 00:05:16

What mysterious hamster said - call the police and press charges for the assault too.

He's free to walk around while you are living scared inside your own home. Think of your son do think he wants his mum living like this?

Unless your do this he won't get the message and remember its not your responsibility HE chose to assault you so HE takes the consequences.

izzyizin Wed 02-Jan-13 00:28:35

he was outside my house tonight

This man is NOT going to give up. He is NOT going to go away quietly.

By and large, you have ignored the majority of the advice you've had here, and never more so than when, against all of the wise counsel you've received, you let this man back into your home and found yourself with his hands around your neck.

Even now, I can 'hear' you wavering... thinking that if only you invite him in again and have a nice quiet chat with him, everything will be reduced to a 'misunderstanding' and you'll be able to be 'friends'.

If you have understood nothing else from your thread, please understand this: the ONLY way you will be free of this controlling and abusive twunt is to call the police on EVERY occasion that you see him anywhere near your home and to NEVER let him get within a striking distance of you without calling 999.

To this end, you are best advised to prime your phone ready to dial 999 when you are entering and leaving your home and when you are out and about in places where there aren't many others around.

When you next speak to the police make sure they are aware of his history as i strongly suspect he is known to them, albeit that he may not be visible on your regional police authority's books... yet.

If you read my numerous past reponses on this board you will see that I am not given to alarmism, but I urge you to exercise extreme caution when going about your business and, wherever possible, try to be in the company of others when you are out and about over the next few months.

izzyizin Wed 02-Jan-13 00:32:14

Don't bother getting him to say 'cheese' for the camera. If you see him anywhere near your home or place of employment, call 999 immediately and, if possible, get yourself behind a lockable door until the police arrive.

aufaniae Wed 02-Jan-13 01:37:21

dipndunk this is not going to end unless you take steps to protect yourself.

As I said earlier, you've done really well to escape from this man so early.

However lots of us here recognise the type, as we've been there. And for some unfathomable reason, men like your ex are amazingly predictable!

I recognise your reluctance to involve the police, or tell your friends. I used to feel the same. He will continue however until the police make him go away (or until he find another victim). He is not going to suddenly stop being an abusive, manipulative excuse for a man. That's who he is. You can call the police now, or when you finally reach your breaking point after he's done unimaginable damage to your self esteem, scared your DS, destroyed your relationship with your neighbours, and isolated you further from your friends. Sadly I waited for the second one (although no DCs then thankfully).

I'm going to say some things I learnt, please think carefully about them:

1. The most dangerous person in your life right now is you, not him. This is because you have the power to stop this but you are choosing not to use it. And because you are a nice person who has been judging him by your own standards. You still haven't understood how impossible it is to reason with someone as warped as he is.

2. You are still under his manipulative spell (although less than you were). You need to break free of his influence and see how important it is to protect yourself and your DS.

3. Tell someone, anyone. Once you've told one person it will become easier. I felt it was like I'd broken the spell.

4. You say "I hope he leaves me alone." He is almost certainly not going to leave you alone unless made to (by the police). Don't just hope, do something about it.

5. "maybe he will wake up this morning and realise what he has done and be sorry rather than let the anger take over.. he had a lot to drink last night"
You are in danger of making excuses for him. The drink is not the problem, he is. He's done this before. Even if he's only like it when drunk, he's fully aware of what he's like and he's sober when he takes the first drink. He lost his first chance many years ago when he was first violent with a woman. he doesn't deserve any chances with you. Alcohol is no excuse. He is abusive.

6. "i'm not taking it further, i dont want the stress". If you want to avoid stress, use the tools you can to protect yourself against him. Dealing with him alone will be more stressful than the police dealing with him on your behalf. There are a number of ways you can arrange it so he'll get arrested if he comes near you, so he has to keep away, but you must involve the police.

7. "i just cant do that to him. his ex wife divorced him with reasons including domestic violence. he is a broken man, i dont think it is his fault, even so, i dont deserve to be attacked to standing up to him"

This is the most worrying bit. He has fed you his version of events, and he has managed to make you feel sorry for him, for being an abuser!
If his life is shit, good, he needs to learn that's the consequences of abusing the people he was supposed to love and protect. He obviously hasn't accepted how terrible his treatment of his wife was, and the irony is he's got you protecting him from the police because he's done it before! A "broken man"? Maybe, but really, who cares? It's irrelevant. He's a danger to those around him. If he's struggling to deal with that, that's his problem. you can't cure him. All you can do is protect yourself from him.

Please call Women's Aid now and leave a message. They're really busy, and it's hard to get through to them, but if you leave a message they will call you back, and they give great advice and support.

I'm sorry you're going through this. ((((hugs))))

aufaniae Wed 02-Jan-13 01:48:26

Incidentally, my ex arsehole called me just yesterday (NYE).

He hardly contacts me anymore, thankfully, but still, over 5 years later he is still totally deluded!

He didn't call to wish me happy new year. He called to ask me to buy him train tickets online as he doesn't have a credit card. And suggested he goes to my mums to drop the money off. This is out of the blue after no contact for months and months.

He's in his 40s! I had to get the police involved to get rid of him, move town and lie to him about where I was going before I felt free of him. A lot of my friendships suffered because of my association with him. Why would I want to buy him tickets or send him to my mums?! And it's been over 5 years!! Totally fucking deluded. At least he only calls once or twice a year these days.

My friend on the other hand is about to go to the police about her violent ex who's started stalking her again, 2 years after they split up. She's getting dozens of calls every day sad.

You need help dealing with this type of man. You can't appeal to his better judgement because he's warped. Please, get back up. Women's Aid, the police, your friends and family. You need to protect your son.

izzyizin Wed 02-Jan-13 01:51:03

A broken man? He's not broken but, given half a chance, he'll break you, honey.

aufaniae Wed 02-Jan-13 01:52:57

"If you have understood nothing else from your thread, please understand this: the ONLY way you will be free of this controlling and abusive twunt is to call the police on EVERY occasion that you see him anywhere near your home and to NEVER let him get within a striking distance of you without calling 999."

I agree 100%.

Damash12 Wed 02-Jan-13 03:11:33

"His ex wife cited domestic violence"

Ok seriously having read this thread you need to pack yourself and dc and go and stay somewhere for a few nights if possible. If you hear from him you meedvtobtell him you will press charges if he comes anywhere near you or property again. You need to stop having conversations and stop letting him in. No chats no nothing, it is not going to make you or him feel better. You really really need to consider pressing charges though, if you don't he'll see it as a weakness and try again. You know you've made the right decision and this is what it was leading too maybe worse so don't have any more thoughts of guilt. You have had one lucky escape and need to stay very strong over these next few weeks as he won't have got the message yet!!!

chubbychipmonk Wed 02-Jan-13 04:50:35

OP. . . Sit down and read this entire thread from start to finish, then re read it. . . Then re read it again. . . Then keep reading it until the advice that people have posted in here starts to sink in.

You seem to care more about hurting the feelings of this wanker than you do the safety of your young son. . Harsh but true!

Wakey Wakey!!!!

dipndunk Wed 02-Jan-13 08:50:23

thank you everyone. After a day of "blanking it out" yesterday, as that is the only way i could get through the day and a better nights sleep, I am feeling MUCH stronger. When i see him, somehow i turn to nothing. I do not want to see him ever again. I am feeling more like myself even after a day of no contact and things are feeling a bit clearer. I need some advice. I have an item of his property at my home. I do not want to make any contact with him and this is the only excuse he could make for coming. It is valuable. It is possible to post it, however again i dont want an angry reaction from this either. what is the best way forward?
I am writing down last nights turning up and driving away..
i will call WA today

Nanny0gg Wed 02-Jan-13 09:18:06

Ask someone else to take it to him for you.

And as well as ringing WA, read this thread again and take advice from the women who have 'been there'.
Because you really need to.

MrsTomHardy Wed 02-Jan-13 11:18:44

I agree, get someone else to take it to him or if there is no1 then post it recorded delivery so he had to sign for it then can't turn around and say he didn't receive it.

izzyizin Wed 02-Jan-13 15:37:31

Now that you've 'written down' his turning up last night and driving away, call the police on 101, and ask them to pay you a call, in order that they can record write it down.

It is possible that the officer(s) who attend will be unaware of the events of the other night and the manner in which he attacked you (hands around your throat screaming 'who do you think I am' etc) or that he made threats to smash your windows/slash your tyres in the presence of the officers who attended on that occasion and removed him from your premises.

They may also be unware that, while you were in another room with a female officer, he was being charm personified to the male officer who attended.

After you have explained the above to the attending officer(s), tell them what he has told you about his history with his ex and, in particular, that it would seem his attack on you is not the first time he has put his hands around a woman's throat in an intimidating manner.

Inform the police that you have one item of belonging to him in your home and that, as it has some value, it's probable he will use this as reason to call on you again and you are scared of the possible consequences should he do so.

Hopefully, the police will deliver the item to him and take the opportunity to have a further word with him but, if not, it is important that they are aware he may use it to gain entry to your home again.

On NO account should you meet with him to hand the item over or post it to him. If the police are not willing to assist in returning the item to him, ask a trusted friend/colleague/family member to store the item with a view to it being collected from their home by him.

When making the necessary arrangement, prepare a receipt on the lines of 'Received one <describe the item> from <name> of <address> on <date> Signed.....' and make it clear that his signature is to be obtained before the item is handed over.

PLEASE act on this advice as he is not going to give up easily. He's regrouping; plotting and planning a further onslaught attempt to play you like a violin and it is VITAL that the police are fully informed of the situation.

TweedSlacks Wed 02-Jan-13 16:25:11

You need to find a large chap to deliver said item back to him. Preferably Vinnie Jones or a rugger player.

I really think you need to ring the police, tell them he is now stalking you . Press charges for Assault , then get a restraining order.

You should not feel frightened in your own home . This will not end in the way you hoped unless you take some positive action NOW.

The quicker you do it , the quicker it will be over and you can get back to normal.

Wheres AF? she is the best at putting across what needs doing ( I would move her in , if i were you )

TweedSlacks Wed 02-Jan-13 20:23:55

Bumpty bump

ILikeWhisperingToo Wed 02-Jan-13 20:45:20

Please, for your DC's sake if not your own, read Izzy's 15:57 post


This is not the kind of thing to take lightly, you have no idea what he is capable of.

izzyizin Thu 03-Jan-13 18:02:09

Please come back, honey, as I suspect I'm not the only who's worried about you.

Allergictoironing Thu 03-Jan-13 18:56:08

Another one hoping you come back to at least let us know you're OK, and not in hospital or worse sad

dipndunk Thu 03-Jan-13 22:43:03

hello, sorry. You will be very pleased to know i have spent the day with my ds and his grandad (my dad) and later my friend and her kids. OK, i havent said anything, i feel ashamed, but i feel MUCH more like myself, less trapped and like i am breaking free, despite the hurt etc i am feeling strong, not like the mess a few nights ago. I have had no contact with him, I have not done anything about his property as yet. My mind is becoming more clear, although i know i have a long way to go to get over this. It helps me just being around caring people and "normality" even if i dont say anything. It just helps me cope and try to make sense.
I have heard nothing from the police since the incident, which in some ways is quite alarming. Anyway. At the moment i am trying to keep going, to give the best care for my son. i am being vigilant, but the panic attacks are easing. I think he will leave me alone now. I think me calling the police may have hit home. It is so hard. i suspect he is feel terrible. We were both very drunk. i do not think he will dare contact me now. Maybe it is false security? as IM feeling stronger? Not sure... he said it wasnt over and other threats, wouldnt you think the police would follow up? but i think it was the drink talking.. anyway, I am ok, surviving..taking good care of my ds and will begin to care more for myself. never again.

Allergictoironing Thu 03-Jan-13 23:18:45

Thank you for getting back to us dipndunk, I feel better now smile. Sounds like you are doing the sensible thing spending time with people you feel safe & comfortable with.

Have you not told anyone because you feel that somehow they will judge you? Because they are exceptionally unlikely to do so, though they are pretty likely to judge your ex. If you do tell someone close like your father or friend, it will make things more real IYSWIM, something that can't be forgotten about or hidden any longer.

Thumbwitch Fri 04-Jan-13 01:10:00

I was reading your latest post, it was going so well until this point:
"i suspect he is feel terrible. We were both very drunk."

1. Being drunk is not an excuse for physical abuse and threats
2. I doubt he feels terrible at all, although he might feel annoyed that you have escaped his clutches.

Remember that you are not the first woman he has done this to. IF he felt terrible about doing it, do you really think he would have allowed himself to do similar again?
I had a friend when I was young, at 18 he discovered that drinking to excess unveiled a nasty aggressive side to him. He therefore gave up alcohol because he hated that side. That's the sort of responsible attitude that decent people have.

Please please please get rid of the notion that he is somehow a "poor man" - he's not. And ignore him if he does get back to you, he's probably just making you wait.

olgaga Fri 04-Jan-13 01:28:58

I have just read this whole thread. What a terrible business.

I am pleased you are prioritising your safety, and your child's safety. You might feel sad for what might have been if this man wasn't a violent abuser, but that's no reason to put yourself and your child through any further agony.

Whether or not the police are going to do anything, it's over, and you have to keep it that way. You have to ensure your child grows up in the right environment.

If you have any doubts at all contact Women's Aid or NCDV, and make sure you have 999 on your speed dial.

dipndunk Fri 04-Jan-13 04:06:37

thanks. I keep waking up in the night and crying, awful. Feel numb.
Allergic, the telling people so it feels real, thats why i am not, because im not ready to face it in my everyday life :-( it is easier to deal with my life if the people i am around just treat me as normal..
i know this may sound bad, but it is not only the fact thee grabbed/pushed me but it is the amount of FORCE he did it with. He was my best friend at one point, Ive done so much for him :-(
yes its over, but it is going to take me so long to get over it. It is constantly on my mind unless i am distracted by people treating me as normal...
yes i am worried i'll be judged by telling people irl

izzyizin Fri 04-Jan-13 05:25:52

You're worried you'll be judged by telling people in rl? shock

What's more important? The safety of your ds and yourself, or your pride?

This man hasn't begun finished with you yet, honey. The weekend is almost upon us and he'll take advantage of it to make contact and/or visit you in person.

As I see it, there is no reason for the police to get back to you. You didn't want to press charges and I suspect you asked them to go easy on him because you/he 'were drunk' and he didn't mean it and it's New Year blah de fucking blah.

From what you've said, you were away from home most of yesterday and for all you know, he spent some time lurking around your house.

I don't want to be responsible for gving you nightmares but if you're already waking up in the night, your subconscious mind is trying to tell you something - and you'll ignore it at your peril.

Please, get back to the police and tell them he was outside your home 2 nights ago and BE SURE to tell them as much as you know about his history of dv.

Think on the amount of force he used on you, and think on that you've only got his word that his exdw didn't suffer serious injury at his hands.

You're in denial and, given what this man has told you - and shown you - about himself, that's a very dangerous place to be.

Allergictoironing Fri 04-Jan-13 08:14:57

dipndunk honey your nearest & dearest will not be judging you in a bad way if you let them know. If you decided that spending the day with your father was the most comforting & safe thing you could do yesterday, then I'm guessing your father will be the type of parent to have your best interests at heart and will only wish to protect you.

I'm a bit worried you don't want to make it feel "real", it DID happen & he DID use that much force on you, and if it happens again it will be worse. If you at least let the people closest to you know, he can't get to you by telling them you've just had a little tiff so can they arrange it so you meet him - they may think they are doing the right thing to fix a little problem in your relationship by facilitating that! You're going to have to tell them soon anyway, as they will start asking what's going on when he's never around.

The other reason I'm worried is because if you don't make it "real" you can start to rationalise everything away. I think he will leave me alone now. I think me calling the police may have hit home. It is so hard. i suspect he is feel terrible. We were both very drunk. i do not think he will dare contact me now. but i think it was the drink talking. Those statements sound almost like you are excusing him, and that can be the top of a very slippery slope. Telling people means that however weak you are feeling, you can't really go back.

izzyizin Fri 04-Jan-13 19:39:06

Unashamedly bumping your thread with the intention of continuing to keep it on P1 because if you're not telling anyone in rl, FGS keep coming back and telling us, honey.

ILikeWhisperingToo Fri 04-Jan-13 20:28:25

Consider that telling people, not having the burden of secrecy and having support through this could help you atm.
You've done nothing to be ashamed of, how would you feel if one of your friends / relations was going through similar?
Hope you're continuing to take care of yourself.

dipndunk Fri 04-Jan-13 20:31:45

thank you izzyizin, I have just sat down. I am on autopilot, keeping very busy, taken my ds out today with his friend. I keep getting extremely anxious, panic attacks, then feel ok again. It feels like a dream and i know the reason for this is because i am not making it real by telling anyone, i just want it to go away :-( Ive heard nothing, and I really dont expect to.
I am feeling very low, but following other threads on here and it is keeping me strong/giving me another perspective. Very teary, then angry, then think why. Very difficult to keep on an even keel, i think it is shock. I just want to get through it. I keep over imagining different scenarios, like bad things happening. I think i have finally let depression take a hold :-(

izzyizin Fri 04-Jan-13 21:30:04

What you are experiencing is an entirely normal reaction to shock, honey.

Part of you can't believe what happened, but part of you knows only too well that it did happen, and that it - or worse - might happen again if you allow him to creep back into your life.

There's little to be gained by trying to fathom why he did what he did. Ultimately, he did it because he could and because he's got a history of doing it and getting away with it.

If you're feeling no better in the next couple of days, make an appointment with your GP with a view to getting some medication that will alleviate panic attacks with possibly a short course of antidepressants and a little something to help you sleep.

Once again, I would urge you to get back in contact with the police to report the sighting you had of him outside your home the day after he attacked you, and tell them what you know of his history.

This will serve several purposes: it will go some way to enable you to put the matter 'to bed', as it were; it may provide a solution to the question of returning the item he's left in your home; and, most importantly, the police will have an account of his behaviour on that night which won't fall into the general category of 'couple had too much too drink, argument ensued'.

Should he put in another appearance or make contact with you, the latter will be of immense value as it's so easy to omit/forget or give a less than an accurate account when one's fears/emotions are under stress.

For my own peace of mind, can I ask you to please check into your thread on a daily basis for the next week or so? Otherwise I fear that I'll lose sleep wondering how you are faring grin

All of this notwithstanding, I sincerely hope you and your ds have a good weekend.

Allergictoironing Sat 05-Jan-13 09:15:34

Quick bump to put this back on the first page.

Dipndunk please keep checking in just so Izzy and I know you are OK

dipndunk Sat 05-Jan-13 10:21:22

morning, hello all. Thank you for "being there".. I'm ok. Feeling very low and still having panic attacks on and off but i'm sure it will get better in time. Im very distracted, it is on my mind constantly.. one day at a time i guess. Think it will take this year to get over it. Just want to cut myself off. I stood up to him, told him some "home truths" i cannot help blame myself for doing that, i should have just kept quiet as it really wound him up. He seemed calm almost when he was doing it though, while i was crying etc, he just had an angry glazed look in his eyes :-(
i will keep checking in

Allergictoironing Sat 05-Jan-13 10:50:29

Morning Dipndunk. Only natural to be very worried after what you've been through, though hopefully the panic attacks will ease in time.

Please try to stop blaming yourself. You had no idea he would actually attack you that night, and though it would ofc be much better if that hadn't happened there IS a silver lining.

You are OK physically, and because you had to call the police they are now aware that you are in danger from this man, which should hopefully protect you from anything worse.
You have also been shown his true colours.

Please do reconsider telling someone close to you, like your father or best friend. You do need to accept that it was real and happened. I know that's hard, because by keeping it like a dream (nightmare?) you are protecting your own mind from how awful it was.

dipndunk Sat 05-Jan-13 11:00:51

thanks, i will tell in time, i dont want the attention or the remarks that may come with it, i just dont want to hear anything about him. Not sure why. Perhaps because there is a love that exists for the person i thought he was in the beginning. My emotions are a little all over the place, changing morning, afternoon, night etc hopefully this will calm down in time, it has to. I feel ashamed, for some reason i am feeling paranoid when i am out and about, when people look at me, as if they confidence has really been knocked, i just want to hide, i am going about my business in body, not mind..

tzella Sat 05-Jan-13 11:18:41

Morning dipndunk. I hope you're beginning to feel a bit better.

I started a thread on here in the summer about whether I should call the police after my now ex beat me up. He nature of his visa meant he would almost certainly have been deported, and because I loved him I wasn't sure if 'ruining his life' was the 'right' thing to do. I wasn't sure because I was hurt, in love, upset and confused, oh so confused about how/why this happened. Even though, actually, I knew exactly why it had happened. I joined MN earlier in the year when he and I got together because, even though nothing totally awful had happened I knew it would and knew this was the place to get help when it inevitably did How's that for fucked up? The subconscious is a wonderful and spooky thing.

I did call the police (101) and unfortunately they were next to useless. I gave them his address, his work address and pictures of him. I sat through the DV questionnaire, assuring the copper that he'd never abused my pets or children because I didn't have any etc and so on. They failed to arrest him twice. He has since told me (yes) that they asked HIM if he'd SEEN HIMSELF at his address. He escaped justice and.... I took him back. He didn't hit me again but continued to control me and financially abuse me. I allowed this to happen but with growing awareness that it had to stop, and over Xmas/NYE it did, as a trail of Last Straws built up into a not-to-be-ignored monolith and the relentlessness of it finally made me go off him. Yeah, it took all that for me to fall out of love with him and be able to put him out without collapsing in a heap, wanting him back. It's been 3 whole days now and I've ignored his pleading and was able to as I'm safe in my house.

I told my best friend who I see all the time in an email, and as he's sensitive I started it "Don't freak out but..." Then I told my boss (he's a v good friend) and didn't warn him at all, just told him, all brave-face over the phone. He didn't freak out but was upset and confused and speechless. I did not tell a lot of other people I should have told (women friends, my family) because I knew deep down I was going to end up taking the bastard back and I didn't want the 'I told you so's' (they wouldn't have done exactly that but they would have been v upset, as would I in their shoes). I should have told them and never seen him again but I was lost in it all.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say sad I think I'm just typing this to get it out but a lot of things about your situation struck me and I wanted to post. Mainly MNetters saying "how would you feel if he did this to someone else?" and that's what made me call the police. I am a good person, and I know right from wrong, and I'm a feminist (not that that matters) and wrapped up in all that I wanted him deported so I wouldn't be tempted to take him back hmm That's not similar to your situation (I assume) but for god's sake; be the better human in getting him STOPPED, not the bigger person by feeling sorry for him.

Hugs to you, girl.

P.S. I got more on this if anyone wants it! Argh, I could type for hours grin

tzella Sat 05-Jan-13 11:22:13

And I didn't tell anyone at work - just put loads of make-up (*two black eyes*) on and pretended I didn't notice curious looks. Some MNetters said "Tell them! There's nothing to be ashamed of!" but I didn't want to. Because I was ashamed, and embarrassed, and knew they would judge. Out of an office of 10 people, statistically .3 of them might have an insight into wtf had happened and I wasn't prepared to be out there, alone, being misunderstood and judged. I broadly agree on the sentiment about NOT BEING ASHAMED but it's very hard, and that's the decision I made.

dipndunk Sat 05-Jan-13 11:57:55

thanks for sharing. Awful isnt it? Like there is a hold over you and you are ready to jump, even though logically it is not the right thing to do. im not going back. I am lucky in a sense, i have not been left with visible marks such as black eyes, just bruising, but it is not as bad as some pictures you may see, just "normal" bruising. So its over, but the ending was awful, the person i am, i want to say sorry for the things i said etc, how it ended, but i know i cant, so it leaves it "unfinished".. i just have to live with that i know. well done on lasting the 3 whole days. i have heard nothing, and hope i dont. i really done think i will now

tzella Sat 05-Jan-13 12:06:14

I don't think it's quite over yet. I'm sorry to make such a pronouncement over your business but, as in my experience, that awful ending means nothing is resolved properly and there's still some wiggle room for him or you to try and get back in - whether it's an apology for the 'way things turned out' from EITHER OF YOU. I did that, I've just remembered sad I apologised for the way it turned out via his brother. I felt it was the right thing to do, and a full stop, but I was utterly kidding myself and that was the 'in' that we both wanted. He contacted me to ask why the fuck I'd contacted his brother and I was ecstatic as we could now talk sensibly about what happened. I was a fool.

Please don't do this. Or at least be aware that you might. I know you've decided it's over - don't try to be civilised about it. I'm sincerely sorry to be telling you stuff that you don't think is true but it's all so familiar.

dipndunk Sat 05-Jan-13 14:04:14

thanks, i know, i know the pattern, as above, it is soooo familiar. That is why i said i have to live with it, that ending, as i know contact could result into a way back in from him.. I dont want to be with him. somehow, his manipulative ways end up with me being back "in it" without me realising.. get it?? i am staying put, i am living a very boring life today, but i am feeling much better, just exhausted. I am not going to do it, i am aware there is an urge that comes but i am working through it. dont be sorry, i know what you are saying is right, i have been there already before and it is familiar to me too... how are you managing?

Allergictoironing Sat 05-Jan-13 14:08:21

thanks to tzella - you've earned them over the last few days!

For both of you if you start to weaken think of how awful you are feeling now & have done over the last few days, in total dispair & heartbroken. Remember the last few months & how many times that man hurt you emotionally. Then be brutally honest with yourselves and ask if a few weeks of having him back will be worth going through the same again, and again, and again. Because you know it will end up the same way, either that or in hospital (or worse).

So - a little while longer of the current hurt then it starts to fade vs months or years of pain & abuse with just a few good times in between (getting fewer and fewer as time goes on & his control strengthens even more). Look on it as an operation to cut out a cancer - it's going to really hurt for a while after the operation, but at least you aren't going to die slowly & painfully!

dipndunk Sat 05-Jan-13 17:02:35

ok, so im struggling. I am wondering what is behind the dynamic of this kind of relationship? is it a power struggle? is it depression, false expectations, "passionate" people? because i didnt have this in my marriage.. obviously a different person has had a different effect, but i am also quite a strong albeit quieter person, so how could i let this happen?

Allergictoironing Sat 05-Jan-13 17:42:39

Hi hun. I think the only way anyone could tell why this happened to you is if they were able to get inside your head at the time the relationship started. If you were ready to have a relationship rather than a guy just appearing when you weren't bothered, then you were pre-programmed into investing in this one. How different he was from your previous ex might also have led you into a favorable comparison. It may have been to do with you investing emotionally after the breakup of your marriage. It may have been a now or never, I'm not getting any younger thing. There are loads of possible reasons, it could be one of these, something else, a combination thet left you vulnerable to this particular man at this time.

I do think you're onto something with the false expectations idea, and you may have fallen for the idea rather than the reality especially as at least superficially he was very unlike your exH.

But I also think you may be over-analysing it a bit? do you really really need to understand this, or could you just accept that it happened but wasn't right?

dipndunk Sat 05-Jan-13 18:12:03

Allergic, i was ready, or so i thought i was. I was out of marriage and i think i was still in married mode. Thinking the next person was going to be perfect. There were warning signs from the beginning, but i didnt want there to be iyswim..i just wanted to take it slow and he pushed and pushed..
maybe i am over- analysing, i feel back to square one. I know i have to go through this, i just dont want to. feel like i just want to sleep.. how could he? im jumpy and my muscles are tense, i can think straight from time to time then i go to mush again.. must be quite bad anxiety

Allergictoironing Sat 05-Jan-13 19:14:23

One and a half weeks sweetie, that's all it's been since you finished with the arse. You are in mourning for the dream you had, and you are being too harsh with yourself thinking you should be anywhere near back to normal. FFS I dumped my ex because I had got to the stage where I despised rather than loved him, and couldn't bear for him to touch me, yet I was still moping nearly a month later. A wise friend told me I was mourning the dream and what might have been IF he'd been the person I had thought he was, rather than missing the real him.

So you have had your dreams destroyed, you have (unwarranted but natural) feelings of failure because you picked a wrong-un again, this is the worst time of year for any upsets as everyone tends to feel down when the weather is bad.

I won't promise you'll feel much better any day soon, but I will tell you that one day you'll wake up when the sun is shining and realise that the pain isn't as sharp. In the meanwhile you just have to look after yourself - sleep lots if you want to, comfort eat if that helps, you can always go on a diet & exrecise regime once you feel better. Start planning for your next steps, whether a new home, new job, new hobby/sport. And don't be in a rush to find someone new - they will find you when the time is right, and if you don't meet anyone for a while well no problem, single life has many benefits (and there's always duracel power if things get frustrating wink ).

izzyizin Sun 06-Jan-13 05:18:29

You've described yourself as 'quite a strong albeit quieter person' but it seems to me you have been far too weak to repel or withstand the machinations of this abusive twunt, and you have been far too anxious to blame yourself for his fucked up mind.

It's not why he is what he is, or why he did what he did, that should be of concern to you; it's why you allowed to him excercise such a large degree of power over you.

All the signs were there when you met him but you overrode your gut feelings in favour of wishful thinking. When you start dating again come back to this board think long and hard about any man who isn't willing to go at your pace and take his cue from you.

Ultimately, all you can do is put this down to having made a gross error of judgement in allowing him to suck the joy of your life insinuate himself into your life to the extent that you were living it according to his dictates, so why not cut to the chase and simply take the lessons you've learned forward into the future?

Have you considered assertive training? IMO it would do you the power of good and may give you the confidence to start speaking up and speaking out in rl.

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