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Mixed messages.......going nuts

(327 Posts)
A1980 Wed 19-Dec-12 15:53:08

Supposed to be on "a break" with bf. I know I know it probably spells the end.

He has a lot of issue: unemployment, illness etc.

I expected no contact but so far I've had texts every week calling my by his special nicknames for me and most recently a card and present left at my office for Christmas with a note in the card saying lets trust 2013 is a great year.

had enough of mixed messages


CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Wed 19-Dec-12 15:56:48

Who instigated the break? You?

A1980 Wed 19-Dec-12 15:59:03


I would be pissed off. He really thinks he's got the upper hand.
What reasons did he give for the "break"

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Wed 19-Dec-12 16:01:54

So ignore him. To dump someone and then pay them loads of attention is very cruel and controlling. He's indulging in a fantasy that he's so irrestible that he can pick you up or drop you at will. That is not a nice person IME.

2013 will be a great year if you move right along and don't participate in his games.

A1980 Wed 19-Dec-12 16:04:32

Death of a.close freind, loss of.job and he's.been in hospital

He checked out.during his problems arms.length. I lost my cool in the end unreasonably... but I'm human and.he.doesn't know how.he feels. wants to.get job etc.on track.

Hmm, but he clearly doesn't see you as a team. I would ignore him, concentrate on your own life for now. He might not be doing it intentionally but the result is that you are being left dangling. Not nice.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Wed 19-Dec-12 16:09:29

I would chuck him for good for the sake of your own sanity.

A1980 Wed 19-Dec-12 16:10:00

I've since asked him what is going on by text..... no reply.

We're doing brief and very friendly chit chat started by him and we're not acknowledging what happened at all.

I love him dearly but I have limits. knife in my heart every time.

Well done for requesting clarity. You deserve better than this.

OhLittleTownofWesternWind Wed 19-Dec-12 16:12:20

What was said when he suggested the break and how long were you seeing each other before this?

Tbh, it sounds like he has had a lot on his plate and could possibly be depressed, which does lead a lot of people to find it very difficult to keep relationships going. Does this sound possible? But he needs to be honest with you about what's' going on. Is there a time limit to the break when you are going to meet up and see how things are going or is it just indefinite? If the latter, I would suggest that you arrange to meet him, talk to him and find out what's going on.

That is, if you want to. You might not want to carry things on with him, not sure from your posts.

Good luck.

OhLittleTownofWesternWind Wed 19-Dec-12 16:13:05

Sorry, cross posted with your last messsage.

Ask him to meet and talk.

A1980 Wed 19-Dec-12 16:19:30

Undoubtedly he has low mood. he wasn't the same when he got out of hospital. I tried to lift his mood but he is the type to withdraw from problems and not share.

its been 9 months. I have not initiated any contact. he started it. I've been breezy and up beat.

hoping this shows he.misses me.

Major red flags: no relationship lasting longer than this one.

I would like to work it out. and have him he was before he got depressed. he was.fine and.we were.great.

The more this goes on the more likely it is I won't take. him back.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Wed 19-Dec-12 16:24:05

So when he's having a bad time the answer is to ignore you and then 'have a break' (dump you) for good measure? And when you're having a bad time..... you're being unreasonable for saying so and then he pretends like nothing happened and everything is sweetness and light?

I wouldn't meet this man because he is seriously inconsistent. However many problems he has, there is no excuse for treating you like crap and messing you about. What happens next time his life goes a bit wrong? Will you be back on the dump list? Told you're being unreasonable again? Please find someone who is stable, together and treats you like a Queen..... this man is damaged goods

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Wed 19-Dec-12 16:26:03

"I tried to lift his mood but he is the type to withdraw from problems and not share. "

He's using you...

A1980 Wed 19-Dec-12 16:30:22

The scary thing is he does not seem to appreciate the hurt this is causing me. really do think he has issues.

But I am a sucker for punishment. his whole life has gone: everything he used to do. I should have under stood that he couldn't devote time to me.

I still want ro see if he checks back in so any constructive comments?! I know I'm.setting myself up for heart ache

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Wed 19-Dec-12 16:37:39

He has issues and, if you're not careful, they will become your issues. All the time he's doing this text grooming business and you want to check in you're stagnating & being kept on a string. Constructive suggestion? Call a friend. Go out. Be busy. Delete his texts. You can do a lot better than him.

Guiltypleasures001 Wed 19-Dec-12 16:47:16

Op he is using you as his ego pick me up everytime he needs a top up of self esteem, he is leeching the emotional life out of you. Anyone worth their salt would completely detach from you to not hurt you, sort himself out and then make a fresh start if thats what you both want.

The problem here is your not part of his plan and not even being asked what you want etc, I would dump him before your last shred of sanity goes as well, he doesnt want you but isnt man enough or brave enough to let you go altogether, he is selfish.

A1980 Wed 19-Dec-12 16:53:42

I'll just check out then?

Ignore or write him to ask him whats going on?

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Wed 19-Dec-12 17:06:17

Write back 'it's over' and then ignore. You're on a break at his instigation. You saying 'enough' should not come as a shock if he's got any sense. At the same time, have plenty of things to do & people to see so that you're not hanging there waiting for another text. When you say 'it's been 9 months' is that the length of the break or the length of the whole relationship?

A1980 Wed 19-Dec-12 17:10:42

9 month relationship.

3 weeks into break. 3 days into it he contacted me.

AndrewMyrrh Wed 19-Dec-12 17:20:54

I wouldn't be arsed with him tbh.

If he wants a break, give it to him … permanently. Why should you be left dangling?

My Dad told me he 'wanted a break from his family' 5 years ago. Apparently he is pissed off that I haven't contacted him. hmm WTF.

Your situation resonates.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Wed 19-Dec-12 17:21:24

And do you have plenty to do and places to go over the Christmas season? Or are you thinking you'd rather be with him than alone at a New Year Party etc?

A1980 Wed 19-Dec-12 17:26:40

Something like that. I have nowhere to go over Xmas.

All I had to do was keep my temper and wait dorm.him to recover.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Wed 19-Dec-12 17:39:28

He contacted you after 3 days... he was never not recovered. Now he may not be as malicious or deliberate as that suggests - some people are natural born head-fucks - but I think it's his turn to do a bit of waiting don't you?

SobaSoma Wed 19-Dec-12 17:42:15

I would clearly and politely state to him that since he instigated this "break" could he please --fuck off--not contact you as you need time to think about him too. Do you know that song "A Little Time" by the Beautiful South? He might be all over the place but you shouldn't get dragged down with him. And 9 months isn't that long into a relationship so get busy and try and decide what's best for YOU.

TalkativeJim Wed 19-Dec-12 17:50:54

Red flags all over the place.

He's a loser, a user, and absolutely no friend of yours.

Best thing you coudl do for your future sanity and dignity - just STOP TEXTING.

Ignore him completely.

Don't get into big discussions on how it's messing you up - he'll love that. This is all about him playing with you.

Just cut him off. He's wasting your energy. Ok, you're alone now - but by engaging with him you're just setting yourself up to be either alone or in a horrible not-quite-relationship for even longer. Get rid, and get out there and find a nice person.

Twattergy Wed 19-Dec-12 18:03:17

I think that texting is so annoying in these circumstances. It's such a lazy and cowardly way to communicate. He gets to interrupt your day whenever however he wants. There are no consequences in terms of what he writes. He can hide whatever information he wishes. All the while having maximum impact on you whilst offering nothing positive to help the situation. You could reply to say that as you have split up on his request you do not wish to receive any further texts from him. If his situation changes radically he can call you for an adult discussion. My last split up was before texting was common ex had to call me or show up on my doorstep to get in touch and every time I saw him it just reconfirmed that I could never be with him again. Whilst texts might have just kept me unsure...

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 19-Dec-12 18:11:41

You could end the mixed messages right now

tell him to go fuck himself.

that is fairly clear...but you have to mean it, of course

rightchoice2 Wed 19-Dec-12 18:13:53

He is just keeping one

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 19-Dec-12 18:14:33

....foot under the table ?

rightchoice2 Wed 19-Dec-12 18:14:37

He is just keeping one foot in the door. Probably felt a little bit sorry for himself and filling time. Give him a wide berth and dont fall for a sob story.

Lavenderhoney Wed 19-Dec-12 18:31:25

Please arrange something for yourself for Christmas and the NY, preferably something you can't get out of and is fun.
The problem with breaks is the one who instigates it has spent a while preparing for it and expects the other person to sit in and wait by the phone. As you haven't been expecting a break, you spend the whole time in angst about the relationship or lack of it, and no time to get angry - he had problems yes, but what if you suddenly had problems? Don't you deserve someone to share with, or do you have to wait and hope he contacts you at the end of the enforced break?
He sounds a whole lot of trouble to me, and relationships are supposed to be easy at this stage. You could text back and say please don't contact me, we are on a break and it doesn't finish til jan. I am cynical and always would wonder if he was trying out a new gf during a break.

I totally agree texting is disturbing you as and when which is awful, it's such a control/ power thing waiting for replys etc. Can you turn your phone off and just turn it on for calls now and then? and off at night, about 8?

A1980 Wed 19-Dec-12 23:38:03

Thanks guys :-)

I am really in a bad way here.

I expected no contact. whenever I get a text from him calling me by the nickname he has for me i feel euphoria and tell myself he'll come back then I realise again that's its bs. the texts are super friendly and acting though nothing happened. I am so worn out.

I asked him what's going on & shouldn't we meet. no reply

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Wed 19-Dec-12 23:43:10

You're being strung along with these little carroty morsels of friendly texts. He doesn't want you but he doesn't want you to get on with your life either..... he'd rather you were in a bad way, feeling all hopeful every time your phone beeps and miserable when it doesn't. Your self-esteem must be on its arse and it won't improve if you persist in expecting explanations.

A1980 Wed 19-Dec-12 23:47:54

I don't think so. he isn't callous.

I think he totally lacks maturity and has no idea the effect this is having. I have been very cool back.

Should I just ignore totally?

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Wed 19-Dec-12 23:57:35

Yes, just ignore this immature man with zero emotional intelligence. All he's doing is making you feel bad and insecure and life's simply too short to allow someone to make you feel that way. Seek out people who make you feel good about yourself instead. Do things you enjoy. Be places you want to be. Not hunched miserably over your phone waiting for a man who has already dumped you to flick you a crumb of his attention.


Aussiebean Thu 20-Dec-12 01:17:58

He isn't callous? You have only gone out with him 9 months. You have no idea his true personality in the early days. Everyone is on their best behaviour in the beginning.

He is showing you his true self. One where your feeling are lower than his.

He is showing you have he will deal with problems in the future. Sick baby, bad pregnancy, unemployment. He won't be there for you.

Move on lovely.

Dottiespots Thu 20-Dec-12 01:36:29

Whats that film called....."Hes just not that into you"...if he was, really really was, he wouldnt be away from you or apart from you. Its that simple. If hes not phoning you to make arrangements to spend time with you and take you out and treat you like a princess then hes just biding his time till some other girl comes along and you deserve better than that. As others have suggested, please please please stop replying to his texts. Ignore them. If he really wants to talk to you he will have to try harder than that.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 20-Dec-12 07:08:19

He'll come back to you when those other women he is chasing get fed up of his immaturity and game playing

Who wants to be the reserve choice?

Fuck him off

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 08:49:47

I should have gone no contact from day 1 shouldn't I?

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 09:24:51

Hindsight is a marvellous thing smile Don't beat yourself up about the past because you can't change it. Focus on yourself and your self-esteem as #1 priority, deal with the present situation swiftly and - very important - learn a lesson so that if you ever meet this kind of person again (emotionally immature with 'issues') you will see through them and not get involved.

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 09:36:00

I'm having a very bad day today. in a bad way :-(

He seemed emotionally stable and mature. he spoke positively of relationships especially ours all the way through. the mask didn't slip until the end.

Although the fact that he's never moved out of his parents house at the age of 35 ought to have told me something.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 09:40:21

Sorry you're having a bad day. But don't beat yourself up too badly. When looking at people through love-goggles it's easy to miss stuff. What could you do today that would make you feel good about yourself?

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 09:48:53

It's more the fact that there weren't really any warning signs until it broke down. Then it hit me like a tonne of bricks.

So I'm 33 with another failed relationship. will never have children at this rate. The reasons he used were ridiculous: he lost his Shit as he didn't know whatc I liked .....and my interests even though they've been obvious all along he just forgets.

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 09:54:21

Nothing by the way. I hate my job

He's done you a favour love. This man is not a good catch, and certainly not dad material. Write down every red flag since the relationship began and ask yourself is this is what you and your future child deserve?

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 09:56:02

So you were basically sticking with him, in spite of all the problems, because the clock's ticking and you thought he was your last chance for kids? I can understand that but can you see what a disaster this man would have been as a father?

All you can do is take care of yourself and be kind to yourself until he's out of your head. In the meantime - and I know it's easier said than done - get back out there and live life to the max. There are other ways to have children than to be saddled with an inadequate boyfriend.

aPirateInaPearTree Thu 20-Dec-12 10:07:17

op, like cognito said, hindsight is great.

don't beat yourself up, i know it can hurt. esp if you wanted him to be the one for you, but he's not. You can't change him, and don't change your values, your decency to make up for his immaturity, that's the road to never knowing whether you are coming or going. The light is at the end of this tunnel, you have to be strong for yourself. You are young, you have yrs yet to have children with a lovely grown up chap.

No contact is the way. Nothing. give him zilch. I totally get you being emotionally drained. Each time you reply to him or ask him questions that he can't or won't answer you are making it worse for you.

Set yourself a challenge. Say out loud what you want like- ' I want a man in my life who is happy and free to love me'. write it down! stick to it. day by day, you will get there. x

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 10:07:40

No because when we were together, especially for the first 6 months he was the sweetest, kindest most attentive boyfriend. he was lovely to me. we were so close. seeing eachother loads, talking all the time in the phone.

It only got a bit strained as his job loss started and then hospital broke the camels back. He wasn't the same when he came out.

He said we grew apart: yes we did. external factors did it.

It was fine until the problems started.

aPirateInaPearTree Thu 20-Dec-12 10:07:48

cogito even. blush

aPirateInaPearTree Thu 20-Dec-12 10:10:20

then it is his job to work it out himself. you can't drag it out of him. give yourself a time frame. no one where you are sitting just waiting, one that you can think, right by the 10th jan, if i havent heard something tangible and positive, without my prompting it by that date, i turn my back on this destructive relationship.

(can you tell i am doing this?)

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 10:16:14

You are doing the same thing now pirate?

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 10:19:41

I was no saint either.

I was a bit jealous a couple of times.

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Thu 20-Dec-12 10:20:16

They are all lovely for the first 6 months!! he's keeping you as back up, you don't want to see that, but it's obvious. You are worth so much more, text him and say enough's enough, you can't be arsed with him he's a child.

Then phone your mates, go out, shop, drink. laugh. You will meet a man that deserves you, you can't turn this one into the man you need.

It might feel hard, but you will be doing yourself a massive favour, this could go on and on, and you are wasting your time.

Good luck!

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Thu 20-Dec-12 10:20:36

Stop blaming yourself!!!

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 10:22:55

I know. but if he'd died in hospital everyone would be sympathetic. it feels the same to me: like a death. out of nowhere, he's gone.

I keep replaying in my head all the mistakes I made. I wasn't great either.

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Thu 20-Dec-12 10:24:37

He's not dead, he's choosing not to be with you. I know you feel deserted, but that will ease with time, if you let it. sad

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 10:25:06

I hope he has a string of failed and crap dates after this.

he'll realise I wasn't such a bad girlfriend.

At his age he wont change

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 10:26:54

Who wants to be a saint? What's passion if it doesn't occasionally flip over into a little jealousy? IME I think we sometimes meet people who bring out our worst side rather than our best side and we end up doing/saying things we later regret. Maybe you didn't bring out the good side in each other on this occasion? Either way, it doesn't pay to stick around out of misplaced guilt.

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 10:27:09

It was all my fault. I should have just let him alone.

I let petty jealousies cloud my feelings even my mates told me I was being stupid and to stop it. but that was in reaction to him going distant on me

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 10:31:19

When a man who claims to love you suddenly goes distant your choices are roughly 'do nothing' and treat it as his loss.... or.... go a bit attention-seeking bunny-boiling nuts with frustration! I can still hear my DM's words in my ears when a teenage boyfriend went distant on me and I was about to go round and knock on his door to find out why ... 'You'll get nowhere chasing him!!!' And dammit, she was right.

In your case, it wouldn't have gone so wrong if it had been solid to start with. Chalk him up to experience.

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 10:34:23

There's no chance he's coming back is there?

He even said he didn't know who I was and what I liked. unless he's walked thru it with his eyes shut. how could he not know. he's so forgetful.

aPirateInaPearTree Thu 20-Dec-12 10:38:18

yes i am. and each day that goes by is, well another day gone by. with nothing from him. so, each day i feel a bit angry, a bit silly for being angry, a bit happy, a bit stronger.

and i conclude, if he wanted to be with me he would move mountains.

we aren't all saints and sometimes do react if we feel vulnerable, needy whatever, but i will bet you have had reason to feel like you have. even if you have gone off on one, it's something you have to put behind you and think, why did i do it. what is it in me that is prepared to put up with this.

i am seeing this as a challenge. by god it hurts, but i know deep down i am strong and i am not going to let this rule my bloody life.! i am worth more.

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 10:40:39

Pirate are you on a break from him or what. what sort of time limit on it?

WinkyWinkola Thu 20-Dec-12 10:40:49

That's not forgetful. That's him not being interested.

Don't be a chump, waiting around for this man. He's just not special. He is playing you like a puppet.

Go and meet some new people. Make 2013 your year of new friends and a new job, if you can.

Get out of the old rut.

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 10:42:10

No he went nuts after hospital. he forgot the most basic things.

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 10:44:31

I always get problem relationships.

There has always been something. I have to ask myself if its me.

aPirateInaPearTree Thu 20-Dec-12 10:50:07

no i finished it due to lack of commitment over and over from him, have given far too much. i am standing my ground, and havent contacted him. it's his shit. also i havent heard from him either. In the past this has happened before, where i have ended it then slipped back in to contact, to have more of my 'say' to well almost make him see the light! crazyness on my part.

but thankfully, there has now been no contact for two weeks. a record. i have given it to a certain date, yes. It just seems like enough time, to get xmas over and that new yr reality feeling in. I think by then my inner strength will be very good, my mindset is changing daily as it is. Yes i love him, but he should stand by his love for me. If he hasn't by my 'set date' then that's quite enough.!

aPirateInaPearTree Thu 20-Dec-12 10:52:07

well yes you do, but in a constructive way. not in a self loathing way. we all have relationship problems, in some form or other. we get older, and hopefully experiences good and bad help us sort out the rubbish.

but, you can't control another's mind or way they approach life.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 10:53:11

Is it you? Or are you drawn to similar qualities in men that subsequently end up being a problem? Me personally, left to my own devices in a crowded room of candidates I will always pick out the man with a glint in his eye and a wicked streak. DISASTER!!! In my youth I was a sucker for men with 'issues'... I was the dating equivalent of the person that rescues injured hedgehogs and then gets upset when they get a handful of spikes.

So, as well as acknowledging you're as human as the rest of us, see if your last few choices have anything in common

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 10:58:59

I'm a pushover.

I have a very forgiving,live and let live attitude and I just get walked all over.

For example this last guy was often leaving it until after midnight on the day to confirm plans for meeting with me. I ought to have switched the phone off and not gone. but I sit waiting and chase.

I don't think they have any respect for me.

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 11:01:24

All if my boyfriends have done this. not really been bothered if they see me or not.

I assume people don't like me. I am hard work, quite a pain in the ass.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 11:11:40

You can't be both hard work and a live and let live pushover. confused If you a tip from Aunty Cog, try discovering your inner ice-maiden. I don't really like the 'treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen' thing because it's rather cruel and contrived. But keeping a little bit of yourself back does seem to be an effective way to keep someone's attention.

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 11:16:06

I have been both.

I can be hard work in that I'm fickle: don't often know what I like.

I don't ever demand that people spend time with me or change their routine but they take advantage.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 11:38:08

Understanding the problem is half way to rectifying it. Not always possible to know what you want but you can consciously become more demanding.

I have to say, you had me at "he's never moved out of his parents house" At 35?! I don't think this guy is a great catch.
You sound lovely but super willing to please. Listen to aunty cog!

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 13:49:16

He's super attached to home.

I thank you euphemism I try. I am a kind person, I laugh all the time, I have lots of interests and am outgoing. he ripped my character apart and everything I am. he's knocked the hell out of me and I feel worse than useless and unloveable now.

thetrackisback Thu 20-Dec-12 20:20:10

Sounds like a bit of a knob f you ask me. Whilst you are wasting time on him it means you are not open to any other potential relationships. You could be missing out on an opportunity for meeting mr right. Sounds like you have given too much. Get your interests back, dust yourself down and get yourself out there. Don't let anyone diminish you. And as for a break.,...... Well I'm a bit of fashioned you are either in or not. You can't go backwards too much energy! Be assertive tell him it's over at least you will go with your head held high.

AntsMarching Thu 20-Dec-12 20:52:32

OP, I dated a guy like this. Relationship was perfect, he was hinting at marriage 3 months in, etc. Then one day he tells me all the "fun" had went out of our relationship and how had I not noticed? I think this was about 7-8 months in.

We limped along for a few months until I brought things to a head and he moved out. No contact, clean break for about 3-4 weeks, then he calls me. Wants to meet up. Slowly he starts offering me crumbs and I was so head over heels in love, I took what I could get. This carried on for another year.

I was miserable. I never knew where I stood with him, I was walking on eggshells at all times and I was a shell of my former self.

Then he cheated on me. I caught him out when I went round to his place unexpectedly. Did he ever apologise? Nope. Is he miserable? I have no idea. I've never spoken to him since.

I spent a long time angry at him and angry at myself for allowing him to control me in that way.

You're better than this. You're worth more than he's able or willing to give you.

Go no contact. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Shortly after this toxic relationship ended, I met my DH. I learned what it's like for a guy to be so into you that he makes you his number one priority. I was never that to the ex. And I deserve to be someone's number one and so do you.

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 23:33:19

He was fine until the problems set in though.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 23:37:56

Most relationships are fine when life is rosy and effortless. It's when things get tough that relationships are tested because you get to see what people are really like.

Snazzyfeelingfestive Thu 20-Dec-12 23:48:34

Agree, ignore him completely. Don't text again asking what's going on, just go silent. It's what he deserves - it takes away his control. You need to get some control. Get out and about and meet other people. You deserve better and it will come along when you make space in your life for it.

likeatonneofbricks Thu 20-Dec-12 23:49:15

how serious was his operation or reason to be in hospital? Have you visited him there? I think this could have some bearing as he really changed after that. Could it affect him mentally or caused depression?

likeatonneofbricks Thu 20-Dec-12 23:50:09

'could it have affected' <argh>

A1980 Fri 21-Dec-12 00:04:57

That's the thing likeatonneofbricks....he was in hospital for two weeks with a bone infection. I did visit him there but again, it has had a lingering affect on him and he won't recover fully for a while. He can't do the things he likes to do now, play golf, go running, play football, he is still in too much pain and the limb too weak.

Not only did his job come to an end, he lost the ability to participate in everything he enjoys. his mood declined very sharply after he left hospital. He just wasn't the same, interestingly enough his tone was flat and lacking in enthusiasm in most phone calls just the way mine is now as I am depressed over losing him.

I took a swipe at him for not paying me enough attention when he had all that going on as well. but I am only human and it had been sidelined for a couple of months. I am so sorry I lost my cool and it was genuinely out of order but what's done is done.

I think it has affected his mood which is why I sympathise and to an extent understand. I have replayed in my head over and over and over again, with all of my ex boyfrineds if they weren't into me, they were shitty with me and let me know they couln't be arsed with me. he was totally into me, kind caring attentive, etc. it cannot have been insincere. I don't think any of this would have happened but for his problems. he sounded desperate when he said, I can't give you what you want, I'm not capable now. I think it's the job loss and illness. he's not in a good place for a relationship and he needed a partner who understood that him paying attention to another's needs was going to be impossible. But then again parents of young children have illlnesses and what not, they don't chekc out of caring for them.

I don't know....

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 21-Dec-12 00:18:26

Was he the one that didn't want you to visit when he was recouperating somewhere???

A1980 Fri 21-Dec-12 00:23:26

Yup same one cogito.

It wasn't that he didn't want me to visit: I thought he didn't want tme to visit as i was paranoid. I didn't feel able to ask as it was his parents house. but my fears were unfounded they invited me like the day after i started that thread.

Gingerodgers Fri 21-Dec-12 00:26:56

You know, sometimes things do work out after a rough patch....... Good luck, you sound like you still love him.

A1980 Fri 21-Dec-12 00:29:07

Thanks ginger. I do love him. but breaks don't work I think. not seeing each other is what caused the problems. a break will make it worse.

likeatonneofbricks Fri 21-Dec-12 00:41:45

a bit confused about the time frame - you said 'it had been sidelined a couple of months' after you had a go at him, but i thought you said before that the break was only 3 weeks - or was it months?
fwiw I'm terrible when i feel ill and not functioning properly - I just want to hide away, is that unreasonable? I thought that him textig about positive 2013 is a good sigh, but obv no one agrees on here, so i may be wrong. It's just if he is in pain and has depressing life atm he feels he can't offer anything, though of course it's wrong to refuse meeting you - or at least speak on the phone if it's only been 3 weeks! but if 3 months - then it's wrong of course.

likeatonneofbricks Fri 21-Dec-12 00:43:43

I mean it's wrong if he was only texting/phoningg for 3 months, rather than weeks.

A1980 Fri 21-Dec-12 00:47:09

Id been sidelined a little 6 weeks or so before hospital. but he had job issues so that was a reason.

He probably did just want to hide away. but I tried to encourage him to get out more.

the break has been 3 weeks. nothing but friendly but ambiguous texts and the great 2013 comment. I don't know. I don't even think he does either. he hasn't replied to me saying we need to talk.

I'm assuming its a break up and grieving

Snazzyfeelingfestive Fri 21-Dec-12 00:52:47

Definitely do not reply. And put him out of your mind as much as possible. Set yourself a goal of, say, a week at a time and every time you think of him ring someone else, or do exercise, or distract yourself somehow. It will get easier.

likeatonneofbricks Fri 21-Dec-12 00:58:15

hmm, but why would he mention 2013? is he was seriously sure of break up he really wouldn't as he's not a nasty type generally, as you say - he may have just said that he's not good for you and leave it. He may well not know yet how much his recovery takes etc but to me it sounds like he still thinks you may resume relationship if and whe nhe gets better. If he was always kind and nice before, I think he may ne is not a very strong character and deals badly with being 'useless'. BUT I think you should insist on meeting and talking soon if he wants you to consider 2013 with him - just say so, maybe direct approach will work. Just say that you can't bear this texting anymore and either you stop any contact or you meet and talk like grown ups even if he is still unwell and even if you both aern't sure of the future.

likeatonneofbricks Fri 21-Dec-12 01:00:36

OR go cold turkey on him with no contact as others suggest and then when he recovers he can come and find you, meanwhile do things for yourself, but either way you need to stop doing what's hurting you (texting)

A1980 Fri 21-Dec-12 01:01:06

He mentioned 2013 as the card had standard wording saying merry Xmas and happy new year.

I don't think I should read into the 2013 for my own sake but I hope there is something in it.

I don't know cutting off all contact May make it worse.

likeatonneofbricks Fri 21-Dec-12 01:07:11

try the ultimatum as i suggested above, if you don't want to just go silent on him. Can you leave a voice message - if you talk calmly and like a grown up that 'it's either meeting or nothing as texting is too painful', he may well respond - if not you've lost nothing and just can leave it then.

likeatonneofbricks Fri 21-Dec-12 01:10:09

if you believe it's the end, how can anything make it worse - try an assertive calm approach, if you still think there is something to save.

AndrewMyrrh Fri 21-Dec-12 08:38:27

I honestly think you need to chalk it up to experience and move on with your life. It's horrid for this to happen at Christmas.

If I am reading this right, his perception is that when he was going through the loss of his job, then followed by a serious infection that hospitalised him, you confronted him and said you didn't think he was giving you enough attention (probably fair point). He has responded by saying he doesn't think he is capable of giving you what you need, and you go on a 'break'.

Asking him to explain his texts, or to meet up and talk is only going to portray you as being a bit needy and not respecting his wishes. Sorry, but I think it will come across this way. I think the only way for you to come out of this with any dignity, is to move on and go no contact.

<bitter experience blush - I wish I had had MN then>

AntsMarching Fri 21-Dec-12 08:39:25

Believe me OP, I tried to convince myself that my ex still cared, wanted me, etc. it's because he's a coward that he's treating you this way.

What he should do is man up and say he doesn't want to be with you. What's he has done instead is take a "break" which leaves him free to date/shag if the opportunity arises and he can be guilt free because you aren't together. But he keeps you on the back burner by giving you a little contact, a little hope.

I know you don't want to hear that or believe it. I certainly didn't at the time.

If he cared about you the way you care about him, he'd be more concerned with your feelings and not want to put you through this emotional roller coaster.

Take care of yourself, look after your feelings. And ignore, ignore, ignore. If he wants you, he'll come back and be with you full time.

You shouldn't be in a relationship where one person holds all the cards. You shouldn't live in fear of doing or saying the wrong thing and "messing" it all up. That kind of fear is destructive to you as a person.

My relationship with the ex was all rosy and fine too until problems set in, he wasn't happy with his job, he was stressed. Nothing that had anything to do with us as a couple but there was always an excuse. And I kept buying them until he found someone to replace me with, because I wanted it to work out. He just wanted a warm body until he found someone better.

I'm sure you'll read this and think it's not the same for you and maybe it's not. But you need to really examine your relationship and what's going on and if any of what I've said rings true, then pull away. Take the power back.

I'm rooting for you OP. there is life after such relationships. And it can be so much better

Reminder: he's 35 and never left home!

Leave him safe in the bosom of his family. He is not going to grow up for you or anyone.

A1980 Fri 21-Dec-12 09:18:53

He had pretty much recovered by the time I lost my temper. he's capable of work but he just can't play sports. I didn't try leeching attention off a disabled man if that's what you think.

He got a decent redundancy pay out too. so it isn't as if he was penniless. he spends a lot of money on himself.

I just don't think He gets relationships. he hasn't had a relationship that has lasted longer than 4 months before me. he can't fly the nest, he always had to run home & hang out with parents for no reason even before he was ill, and jobless.

It just won't work. who am I kidding.

AndrewMyrrh Fri 21-Dec-12 13:23:12

A1980, as I was writing my last post, I thought I may come across a bit critical. I don't mean that at all - but this is possibly the storyline going through his mind at the moment.

I think your last line hits the nail on the head.

A1980 Fri 21-Dec-12 15:15:48

He said a lot of other very hurtful things too about my interests and how I didn't seem to have many when I have a load of them, way more then he does. he forgets things you tell him & we've discussed my interests so many times I've lost count only for him to ask the same questions. lately he's always talking about himself anyway.

I feel like shit today depressed.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Fri 21-Dec-12 16:01:00

This is just a duplicate of your other thread,k A1980. You weren't hearing what people were saying to you in that one either. I'm sorry for you, you're going to get so hurt.

A1980 Fri 21-Dec-12 16:17:19

I couldn't.find the old one or I would havecadded to it. it's hard for me to not get hurt when he wanted a break and now won't let me alone. texts cards presents, my nickname, he doesn't know what tenants maybe so it'll be hell for me while he think about it.

A1980 Fri 21-Dec-12 16:18:06

Believe me I couldn't be anymore hurt than I already am.

A1980 Fri 21-Dec-12 16:18:48

Sorry...doesn't know what he wants.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Fri 21-Dec-12 16:30:39

The only way you're going to stop hurting is if you take control of this yourself and start being stern with yourself. It's over, you know it is. He doesn't want to be with you but is enjoying your devoted angst. That's not nice and you deserve better. Stop replying, ignore him completely - and keep ignoring him until he gets the message.

... and find something else to focus on A1980 because honestly, you're sounding obssessive about this man and he's not worth a minute of your time. Even if he were (and he ISN'T), you should have other interests and activities in your life. I've been where you are, detach yourself and start having a life again.

catsrus Fri 21-Dec-12 16:33:33

think of it this way OP shitty things happen to lots of people, illness, work problems etc. That's life - none of us are immune from it!

Do you want to be with someone whose reaction to shitty things happening is to push you away? wouldn't it be better to be with someone whose reaction is to work with you as team to get through it?

You deserve better than this. It doesn't matter what he wants - it matters what you want, and you don;t want to be treated like this.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Fri 21-Dec-12 16:35:07

This is your other thread, A1980... every message on it is supportive of you, just not agreeing with you about the way you perceive this man feels about you. You deserve so much better.

AndrewMyrrh Fri 21-Dec-12 16:44:40

A1980 - just saw your last thread too.

I think you are over-investing in this relationship and over-analysing. Just stop now before you lose all self respect, and if they are sick of listening to you, friends too.

A1980 Fri 21-Dec-12 16:56:53

I know and you've all been so kind and I am grateful.

It was just so perfect, I wasn't great either to him but I don't deserve what he did.

I'm just so upset I don't know what to do. I hardly have any family my friends spend Xmas with their own family.

My friends aren't good at keeping up commitments, when my bf didn't want to do something with me I didn't care I would say id go with a friend but they never get back to me. so I have all these interests but no one to share them with. I go everywhere alone now.

He took everything that I was and threw it in my face as reasons not to be with me even my taste in music. I have been dumped for a lot of things, other women etc but never for something as silly and unfair as this. a perfectly good relationship:we had fun never stopped laughing amazing chemistry and its thrown away fosuch silly things.

WinkyWinkola Fri 21-Dec-12 17:19:12

It obviously really wasn't perfect.

Yes, you will have to pursue all your interests alone for now.

That's a good thing.

Then perhaps next time a relationship goes wrong, you'll be able to walk away without too much clinging because you'll have forged an interesting and fulfilling life for yourself.

See this break up as an opportunity for you!

Oh A1980, you sound so sad.

But he is not the answer to your problems. People find themselves single at all ages, and at 33 you are way too young to lose hope of finding someone wonderful.

He is not wonderful. You deserve more than to be dicked around by this one.

Reminder again; he has never left home!

aroomofherown Fri 21-Dec-12 17:49:53

I echo euphemism.

You are still young and this is definitely NOT your last chance to be happy, have an enriching marriage and a lovely family. I think you've dodged a bullet here. He lives at home, which indicates a much deeper group of problems like being unable to take responsibility for himself etc.

It is shit being alone (I know) but it's a hell of a lot better than being messed around by an immature, self-absorbed, manipulative boy man. It might be worth spending some time working out why you are so eager to please, and define your boundaries a little more clearly.

Dottiespots Sat 22-Dec-12 00:28:22

Im sorry, I know you feel distraught but your just going round and round in circles. For whatever reasons this man is not in love with you and does not want to be with you. He has moved away and is moving on. You are continuing to go over everything , looking for where it went wrong, what you could have said or done differently etc.....but in the end he just doesnt want to be with you. If he did he would be there with you now. Men are quite simple creatures and if they want you they chase you and if they dont then they move on. Have you ever read the controversial book "The Rules"?? It might seem old fashioned but my goodness does it keep you on the straight and narrow when it comes to men. It makes you step back and see how we make mistakes with men and how we can change the way we behave for the better. And it explains how chasing men is the last thing you should ever do if you want a man. Read it and get your self esteem back on track and next time make sure you choose the right man.

Taste in music? Is he 12?

Recently you've had misery. Cut him off and, well, who knows what might happen, who you might meet, what's waiting for you out there? It's exciting, exhillarating!

Or you could hang about for nobweasel and see if things get better.

A1980 Sun 23-Dec-12 19:40:50

One of my friends is about to be left high and dry too. her bf is going home abroad for good and they May not last.

We're planning new courses and stuff to do next year. I'm trying.......

It is good to have single mates. You sound more positive A. I hope so.

Reminder; he has never left home!!

A1980 Sun 23-Dec-12 19:52:06

I'm still suffering as I cannot control my unconscious mind. the vivid dreams are killing me as they're so real and then I wake up alone.........had one last night.

It is the worst time of year for a break up. But let the knowledge you've got through this make you stronger. Maybe make some more lovely plans for the new year. Nice holidays, great courses, volunteering overseas, new job? Etcetc

They'll pass. It's just your unconscious processing it all - or something. He's a mummy's (and daddy's) boy. That's so unattractive. And he's cruel. That's ugly.

CabbageLeaves Sun 23-Dec-12 20:01:30

A1980- you're a poster I remember (some posters stick in your mind) as sorted and rational. At the moment you are not (sorry)

This relationship has screwed you up. I was in one like this. I adored passionately which allowed him to behave like an arse and in my obsessive loved up state I excused, allowed....etc. It was like being on a roundabout and being spun around until you have no sense of anything, can't think straight and can't focus.

get off the roundabout

He will whether intentionally, cruelly or just through inadequacy, mess with your head until you forget that you were one day a normal person

A1980 Sun 23-Dec-12 20:02:47

I know. he's totally under their thumb. Most of the time he was unavailable at weekends was because he was doing stuff for them. it won't change in fact it'll worsen as they age.
But it's also a choice he's made. my parents don't fulfil all my social needs.

A1980 Sun 23-Dec-12 20:05:54

Thanks cabbage leaves . I am headstrong and single minded and I am not surprised you remember me. I wasn't always the most popular. blush
this has screwed me up. My friends are wondering what's happened to me. they've never seen me like this.

CabbageLeaves Sun 23-Dec-12 20:12:01

I liked you smile

This 'you' is not you. Even I, a complete stranger off the net can see that. He's unhealthy for you. Take control and end it for your sake. Insist on no contact and end it. You will feel shit but recover.

Stay and'll just feel shit

A1980 Sun 23-Dec-12 20:20:53

There is nothing to end is there?

Thanks: I must confess I don't remember you but I never really bothered to pay attention to who was posting, I just read the posts and put in my two cents.

in a way it isn't him who has done this. it is me who has done it to myself. I allowed myself to get so caught up in when he would.start acting like a normal boyfriend when I should have had it out with job and or walked away.

A1980 Sun 23-Dec-12 20:25:50

Had it out with him sorry. pesky smart phone.

MardyArsedMidlander Sun 23-Dec-12 20:26:13

Honey, we have all been there. You need to keep thinking three little words: HOW DARE HE???
(I find wine often helps with this wink)

A1980 Sun 23-Dec-12 20:30:56

Thank you.

I have been through that stage. he was wrong about my music taste anyway. he just surmised what I liked from what I had.mentioned without asking what I liked. truth be known I find iy hard to express what I like as its all over the place. There isn't much I won't listen to so I.can come across as wishy washy.

I am.going thru the stages. I've done denial, anger and now I'm mired in sadness.

CabbageLeaves Sun 23-Dec-12 20:32:12

There is something to end. His contact. Your feelings. Sadly the 2nd one of those may take some work. His contact will make it harder so insist on no contact.

I name change a lot so don't really have a MN identity. I'm not taking it personally grin

And yes how very bloody dare he!!!!!!

Dottiespots Sun 23-Dec-12 20:33:11

Hi....Im sorry if this has already been mentioned as I naughtily missed a page or two but you say he goes home to be with his parents alot and spend time with you and doesnt have long relationships (according to him) and he is on a break at the question is....could he be already married or in a relationship ????Just wondered really.

CabbageLeaves Sun 23-Dec-12 20:33:42

Eclectic A1980. Eclectic! That's how I describe my varied and sometimes uncool dubious choices.

A1980 Sun 23-Dec-12 20:45:32

Awsangel.....definitely not.

I just know for.a.fact. not married.

Dottiespots Sun 23-Dec-12 20:49:59

Just wondered. : ) well then as others have said your so better off without him. Something odd about a man who still lives at home at 35 and prefers spending time at home that with his gorgeous lady. I know its really hard to accept and understand and its perfectly normal to keep going over things that happened but you will get over him. You know you will. Just takes time.

A1980 Sun 23-Dec-12 20:59:21

Its a choice he made. I've realised he has emotional problems.
He never bothered with me so much ad he doesn't need the emotional support from a partner his folks provide it. old habits die hard.

all of his.exes broke his heart too...I bet I'm the next one to be slagged off.

Not your problem love. Life's too short.

A thirtyfive year old man still living with his parents is exactly where he wants to be. Leave him there.

A1980 Mon 24-Dec-12 11:21:58

He has his own flat just hasn't moved in. struggling with it I guess.

Having a bad day now. felt ok yesterday. can't get out of bed. want him back. when does felt end.

CabbageLeaves Mon 24-Dec-12 14:56:22

It's the season A1980. Breaking up is hard especially when it's not clean and break ups at Christmas always make you think about what ifs.

Try and think of something to take your attention. When I split and was alone I tackled in a variety of ways depending on finances: walked the dog a lot! Tackled walks I'd not normally do casually, moors and mountains. I booked myself onto a cookery course (v extravagant but worth it). DIY- lots. Films, crisps and wine. Duvet days- rare but quite a novelty to me as I'm v busy normally. Duvet day was usually completed by 2pm before a long walk.....

I never started my day without a plan. Regardless of mood I went and did it. Some days were mopey and miserable but mostly I have good memories of those days

A1980 Mon 24-Dec-12 15:32:08

Help me resist the urge to contract him

Snazzyfeelingfestive Mon 24-Dec-12 16:03:10

You can be strong over Christmas. Promise yourself you will not contact him till after Boxing Day. Do ten sit ups or similar every time you think of it instead of ringing or texting. Put your energy into something else, literally. Clean the house, put loud angry music on. It will get better.

A1980 Mon 24-Dec-12 16:43:36

I want to tell him what the Fuck I think of him .....little weasel

CabbageLeaves Mon 24-Dec-12 17:31:14

Lack of contact I what you need. Contacting him is just you trying to provoke a reaction...the reaction you want to assure you of ????

Move on.

Clean house, 10 sit ups, walk one mile before making contact. You can make contact once after all of that....Or get your life back smile

A1980 Mon 24-Dec-12 17:45:16


What do I do if he contact me again. just ignore?

YES! And Merry Christmas. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life smile

A1980 Mon 24-Dec-12 18:23:34

I probably won't ignore. I deserve everything I get.

aPirateInaPearTree Mon 24-Dec-12 18:37:54

resist it. i had a text full of self misery on friday. i ignored it.

it's now monday. i feel ok. am bloody glad i ignored it. this is new territory, and although i have a heap of things i want to point out to him, it's me doing the pointing out-AGAIN. So I am NOT bothering.

Snazzyfeelingfestive Mon 24-Dec-12 19:06:36


A1980 Mon 24-Dec-12 19:25:00

What's your status again pirate? With your guy. who dumped who.

aPirateInaPearTree Mon 24-Dec-12 20:32:14

i dumped after being yet again let down.

A1980 Mon 24-Dec-12 20:40:07

I wish I was in that position pirate. to be able to have them back if I wanted.

MarilynValentine Mon 24-Dec-12 21:19:23

OP you have to let go. He's making you absolutely miserable whether he intends to or not.

However you manage to do it - and I suggest you enlist your friends - you need to get through the crappy few weeks of separation & acceptance.

Sorry, I know it's horrible sad

You can do it!

CabbageLeaves Mon 24-Dec-12 21:41:18

Are you OK A1980? I mean 'really ok'. You seem really low and unable to pull yourself out

A1980 Mon 24-Dec-12 21:48:22

No I'm really really not ok. I have broken up with people before but it has never hit me this hard. It is beginning to scare me just how hurt I am.

Even my parents are sick of me. with them for Xmas.

CabbageLeaves Mon 24-Dec-12 22:24:39

It will pass. It will.


After Christmas would you consider tackling your feelings in more depth?

A1980 Mon 24-Dec-12 22:25:47

How can I do that?

CabbageLeaves Mon 24-Dec-12 22:38:09

Counselling. As an outsider this seems to have hit you hard partly because of other issues around your thoughts about relationships. You talk very negatively about yourself and your feelings about relationships.

I'm off to bed. I hope you sleep well and have a peaceful day tomorrow. x

aPirateInaPearTree Mon 24-Dec-12 22:48:04

op i am not in that position, i ended it becuase he wouldn't commit. if i begged tomorrow, he still wouldn't. so i have taken control of my situation in this. xxx

A1980 Mon 24-Dec-12 22:51:58

Commit how so?


I was in no hurry for commitment.

aPirateInaPearTree Mon 24-Dec-12 22:56:09

he is scared to commit to a proper relationship. it started as thought it was going to be a proper exclusive relationship, but he has issues from the past. which i thought would be workable. yet i have been giving too much and getting little back.

A1980 Mon 24-Dec-12 23:06:03

Oh. my guy had ni problem committing exclusively. I wasn't expecting anything more. I was in ni hurry to marry etc.

A1980 Wed 26-Dec-12 23:44:29

Had a full on relapse over Christmas.

Not left house for 3 days or even got dressed today.


Snazzyfeelingfestive Thu 27-Dec-12 00:34:56

So sorry OP. Have you had any more messages and have you replied if so? Can you go and watch a film or something tomorrow to keep yourself occupied if you aren't in work?

A1980 Thu 27-Dec-12 01:38:50

No more messages from Him.

I was depressed a little before I met him about my pcos etc. its hit me doubly hard as I thought I had a little hope when I met him.

Dottiespots Thu 27-Dec-12 01:47:33

Hi.....sorry youve had a bad Christmas.....b ut the best thing you can do know is to realise that this is your life and your allowing this man to control how you feel. Your still young and you will hopefully go on to find a man that doesnt make you feel like this and is good for you. No man is worth this. You really havnt been together long and your feelings I think are more about your self esteem than about him. You need to learn to make yourself happy cause no one else can really do that for you/

Oh A, it is painful, everyone understands that. Do try and see friends - especially the one who will be single too. Look into volunteering, new sports or a new job.
From everything you've written, this guy wasn't for you, really.
Reminder, he had never left home, despite having his own place - (that 2nd fact makes it worse, not better)
You've had a lucky escape from this mummy's boy and one day you will realise it. Xx

AndrewMyrrh Thu 27-Dec-12 19:50:14

Hey A1980, just thinking about you. Honestly, we have all being where you are (well I have). You will get over it, even though it does't feel like it at the moment. What is your plan for tomorrow? If you go for a walk I will too. grin

A1980 Thu 27-Dec-12 20:32:32

Thank you x it means a lot.

I have to see the doctor tomorrow. What doesn't help is that I've been unwell too. of course I was there for him when he was sick. when I am.....I'm alone.

I was going to go back on dating sites or am I hurting too much?

I wouldn't go on dating sites for a bit. Try and enjoy yourself with new hobbies and friends. See what that brings...
Good luck at the doctors.

A1980 Thu 27-Dec-12 20:47:13

At my age I don't have any time to waste.

One of my friends got dumped, was really upset and she dated again and found someone she has now been with for a year.

CabbageLeaves Thu 27-Dec-12 20:53:34

I can understand why you feel the clock ticking and PCO is also weighing heavily on your mind but I do feel they are bigger on your mind than they need to be. I'm also concerned that the drive to meet someone might a) make you settle for an unsuitable match or b) drive away the right one because it feels too intense or focused on having a child.

PCO is variable in manifestation and can be controlled with diet and meds. Would chatting this over with GP help?

You sound too fragile for the brutal world of online dating. I too feel your desire to be 'settled' will lead you to compromise. How about getting some counselling too?
I met dh at 36, 2 kids with him, please don't let your condition rush you into poor decisions.

A1980 Thu 27-Dec-12 21:07:23

It might take my mind off things.

WinkyWinkola Thu 27-Dec-12 21:36:32

But you might meet someone else who just upsets you and you're not in any state to deal with any more upset.

What do you really love to do? Or what have you thought you'd really love to do?

I think you should focus on things that really thrill you or comfort you rather than seeking another chap.

AndrewMyrrh Fri 28-Dec-12 11:39:34

I think you need to spend some time on your own re-establishing yourself and your self-esteem. Online dating sounds dreadful anyway.

Good luck with the docs today. It sounds like you may be suffering from depression.

Crinkle77 Fri 28-Dec-12 16:18:58

You should be the one he is leaning on in these tough times rather than holding you at arms length

A1980 Fri 28-Dec-12 21:24:39

Yeah he should have talked to me about how he felt but didn't. he didn't need me. he had all the support he needed from family. he has no idea how to integrate someone into his life. his dating history consisted of two very short relationships before me. little wonder.

Dottiespots Fri 28-Dec-12 23:08:04

Hi......maybe your not really stong enough to go on a date yet but if you did go on a dating site, all those replies and men showing an interest in wanting to meet you might just give your ego a little lift and sometimes they do say the best way to get over one bloke is to be wood by another. What do you want to do though A?? Anyway have a little think and see how you feel. It would just be a bit of fun. And you could keep us up to date with all the replies lol.....

A1980 Fri 28-Dec-12 23:32:18

I have looked at some online dating sites and had some interest and some messages. I don't really want to pay the fees though they are quite expensive and the free ones are rubbish.

I am still a bit too fragile I think and I can let you guys know that I still haven't given up hope on my bf/ex coming back. I know I know I KNOW!!! But I can't help it. I have days when I accpet it's over and days when I think he'll come back which is so hard for me but I guess it's part of the process and becasue it hasn't been a clean break it makes it harder.

I found some stuff on how bf's react to problems in their lives: it said that
"if maybe he lost his job or a particular sport or activity he's devoted to, or maybe someone close to him passed away you almost certainly watched him pull back from you a bit once it happened"

Well he went through all of this togerther at the same time along with a mutlitude of family problems. I needed to be mature and step back and understnad he couldn't devote time to my needs right now. But I lost my temper with him and blew it.

Oh well. You live and learn. He was out of order for the stuff he said but he was upset.

Oh fucking hell, here i go again telling myself it will be alright with him.

Someone come and slap me or throw cold water on me! I need it.

Dottiespots Sat 29-Dec-12 02:20:37

Yes you are making excuses for him now which I know I would probably do to in your shoes but its easier to see that as Im not in your situation and feeling as you do. If you were your best friend what would you tell you to do? Anyway, its a horrible place your in at the moment and your mind is all over the place and it can be exhausting cant it. x

MarianeBrovisky Sat 29-Dec-12 02:50:20

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

TapirAroundTheChristmasTree Sat 29-Dec-12 04:46:44

Oh do cock off


Allergictoironing Sat 29-Dec-12 09:42:21

MarianeBrovisky that is one of the most un-constructive posts I've seen for a long time, so I've reported it.

A1980 Sat 29-Dec-12 13:23:15

I know awsangel.....i am making excuses but he lost his whole way of life ina few weeks.

I should have been a more understnading person who knew that he couldn't consider someone elses needs and devote time to a relationship when he was in that mess. He was probably shell shocked by it all.

And I thought of myself and craved attention.

I am absolutely exhausted by the heartbreak, the wondering where it went wrong and wondering if I'll ever see him again which I think not.

I texted him to ask him what was going on after he left the rpesent and he hasn't replied nearly 11 days later. so that's it isn't it? I want to curl up in bed and never get up.

Oh A, you didn't do anything wrong- don't you see ? The guy is 35 and never had a relationship over 6 months. He doesn't want a relationship. It was not you.
I think you need to chat with the docs about how you're feeling. Xx

A1980 Sat 29-Dec-12 14:35:21

Of course I did something one is blameless in a relationship.

But it's so clear now. Even during the stage when we had fallen in love and were very close, he would never let me stay more than one night in his flat even though while under construction it was inhabitable. I would get one night with him and then he would take me home and go back to his parents house. It's so obvious now. He just can fit someone into his life. Or it was just me.

Allergictoironing Sat 29-Dec-12 14:45:16

No it was not just you A1980, it was him through & through and he has previous to prove it. Though I suppose you could say you did do something "wrong" in this relationship - you didn't see the red flags early enough!

He wants someone who's there when convenient to him and who can be put back in their box when he's bored, or has other things on his mind, or when they have any problems, and can be taken back out of the box when it suits him.

A1980 Sat 29-Dec-12 20:36:40

I mean just me in that he didn't want me specifically.

Allergictoironing Sat 29-Dec-12 21:31:46

No A1980, you were right when you suggested he can't fit anyone into his life. He's failed so far in all his previous relationships, so why should you even consider that this failure was antything to do with you this time rather than him?

A1980 Sat 29-Dec-12 22:04:48

I don't know. Maybe it was just me he didn't want to be with. he never allowed much time for me. Or maybe I should have made more effort.

Dottiespots Sat 29-Dec-12 22:17:25

Hi A.......hows you? Do you no what you really really need??? Its to go out with some girlfriend/s and have a drink and a bit of a laugh. You need to see that life is still there for you and its actually fun. Your starting to wallow in your feelings too much and its really not good for you. He might get in touch with you, you just dont know but in the meantime you need to go out and start putting yourself together a bit. Have a little makeover, do something different with your hair, have highlights put in or go blond or something nice or maybe cut it. Get some retail therapy and some new clothes and makeup. It will help you to feel like you again and will give you a big lift emotionally. Then you will start to see all this a little differently and not be so obsessed with it.....honestly.

A1980 Sat 29-Dec-12 22:21:26

I am ill too is the problem. I am really getting depressed and I am so afraid.

Dottiespots Sat 29-Dec-12 22:27:21

What are you ill with if you dont mind me asking A.

A1980 Sat 29-Dec-12 22:33:39

Something ill recover from but will take a few.weeks. virusy type thing. making me weak and dizzy. tried going to the gym and I felt sick. so I can't even run off my frustration.

Dottiespots Sat 29-Dec-12 23:07:27

So watch "funny happy films", eat when your hungry, look after yourself, read "happy funny chic lit" and look at loads of stuff on the internet but dont dont dont dont text him ok.!!!!! Talk to us but dont text him. Wait and see what he does first.

A1980 Sat 29-Dec-12 23:34:26

I won't text him. I can't face it. it would make me feel much worse. because I could tell him I am ill & he will probably reply out of pity which will get me nowhere.

I have asked him what is going on and ge hadn't replied so that's that. I have nothing to say to him so I won't. I don't think he will do anything.

Oh well i did everything right, I made no demands on his time, let him come to me, he spoke so highly of me to friends and family. they really liked me. two to three jealous remarks and one very unkind temper loss on my part is enough to throw away an otherwise loving relationship. what does he want....blood?! Why are people so picky these days. you ain't never going to get perfection.

A1980 Sat 29-Dec-12 23:38:56

Its been nearly 2 weeks since I heard. that's all folks I think.

Dottiespots Sun 30-Dec-12 00:19:18

While thats a good way to think your thoughts will be up and down for a while. Just dont be so hard on yourself.

A1980 Sun 30-Dec-12 20:52:03

Had a bad up at midday and never got dressed. When will this end.

WinkyWinkola Sun 30-Dec-12 20:55:13

It will end. It's good to have a few pyjamas days.

One day very soon, you will be very tired and bored of thinking about this man and you will find that it'll have been at least three hours since he crossed your mind.

Maybe you should write a book about your experiences with him. It could at the very least be cathartic and at best, be a top seller!

A1980 Sun 30-Dec-12 21:14:37

I hope so.......

What I want to happen is that he realises what he's done & calls me begging.......

Other than that I won't be happy

A1980 Sun 30-Dec-12 21:17:19

I would hope he's still thinking of me everyday too

Allergictoironing Sun 30-Dec-12 21:26:27

A1980 he isn't thinking of you at all, he doesn't give a flying one about you, and he's never going to come begging. The only reason he would come back would be to use you as a convenient shag, then he'd do it all over again & you'd be heartbroken again.

I know that sounds a bit cruel of me, but read back over the more than 8 pages of this thread & see that just about everyone here is saying the same thing. I'm not normally one to be quite this blunt, but whenever anyone here has said the same thing in a more gentle manner you haven't seemed to take it in sad

I also think you really need to consult someone about depression, as even a massive breakup after many years (and your romance has been less than a year ISTR?) don't usually lead to a week of sobbing & not even getting dressed - those sound more like depression symptoms to me.

Dottiespots Sun 30-Dec-12 21:31:41

Hi A......Like Winky day youll realise that youve not thought of him for half an hour , then it will be an hour then longer. And he will start to invade your thoughts less and less. And who knows what hes thinking.

A1980 Sun 30-Dec-12 21:34:25

I know i know......I do know its hopeless but don't want to believe it.

That isn't true btw.....many of my friends have been through it. My GP said that she's seen people lose over a stone after a long relationship ended.

I am completely in love and that's why its so hard. it was less than a year which is why it was still burning brightly for me. none of this Would've happened if he hadn't lost his job or been in hospital for nearly a month.

A break up has never affected me like this before because there have been other woman, don't love each other.

When we were alone any doubt I had was ripped away. he was the kindest and sweetest. its so hard to accept that circumstances drove us apart.......

But me being unwell isn't helping.

feel free to be blunt. I'm not offended.

OP, I left a mixed man 2 days ago. Although the decision wasn't mine, and it was extremely hard and messy I urge you to now be honest with yourself.

I was in denial, holding onto the good times. They were do clouded by his mixed behaviour. My head is a mess trying to understand the how and the why. Please don't do it to yourself a minute longer.

accept that this is who he is and that you need more. We allow ourselves to settle because at times we think its the east option, we can't do any better, and that we love them and they love us.

I know how hard it is - I am really struggling. I urge you to take control now before you regret it at another date. It is inevitable it will happen again. At least you can take charge and have the dignity. I wish I did!!

Good luck! X

Allergictoironing Sun 30-Dec-12 21:39:56

Phew, I read my post back after I'd hit post, and realised it was VERY blunt - so I'm glad you haven't taken it the wrong way blush.

Are you at the stage yet where you could try getting angry at him, for what he's put you through?

Hey OP everything you say about love and the dealing with the break up awfully is exactly me to this second. but it's now or some time dodn the line and there's never going to be an easy time.

Please PM me if you feel you want to discuss the harder bits. I can tell you they are hellish... I've not eaten or slept. But logic and sense is * slowly* prevailing. I lost touch with who I was and I became an emotional mess with his behaviour in the end; crying all the time.

You have to ask, is this what you want for yourself?

WinkyWinkola Sun 30-Dec-12 21:45:55

Ironically, he would only come begging when you get back to your vibrant, string independent self.

Then would you really let him pull you down again to the depths of misery?

WinkyWinkola Sun 30-Dec-12 21:46:11

strong not string

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bollocks, wrong thread. I am chaos! But it's still broadly relevant !

A1980 Sun 30-Dec-12 22:09:17

Allergic don't worry.... I know you're trying to be kind by being blunt. My parents have said worse to me and have actually criticised my hand in it too.

In terms of the stages of grief, I have already done denial, i have been crazy angry at him already but now I am stuck in sadness...... which is the hardest bit.

Realistically if he did come back, I know I probably couldn't do it as I would live in fear of it ever happening again. Being told he didn't think he loved me anymore and the rest had broken my heart.

Chaos... the mixed messages only began after we went on a break/break up... whatever the hell happened.

Before that, there was never any doubt in my mind about him. He was great. He called, he was kind, he prioritised our time time together, made me feel so special. if we had disagreements, we talked it out, etc.

Towards the end, the calls dwindled and I didn't know the strain he was under. We went abroad for a few days which rekindled everything and again all my insecurities were taken away by how he was with me. But a week after we got back, his knee went and he was in hospital for over 3 weeks. That was it, the hospital was nowhere near where I work or live and it was hard to visit, ditto when he got out. I had run out of annual leave. He was too weak and tired to speak on the phone when I got home from work. We grew apart, totally and he was depressed and shocked at what had happened to him. It all began to fall apart then and all of my insecurity came tumbling out at the worst time which upset him. What did I expect after all he went through.

This is why it's hard to accept. Other breaks ups, well one wasnt another woman...fine. One I didn't love him after a few months, etc etc. None have affected me so. As it was external factors that caused us to be pushed apart and I can see exactly when it happened coinciding with his problems starting.

But it's hopeless I guess. It still happened. Even if he came back, I would be living on a knife edge wondering if it ever happened again and I don't think I could do it. I guess I'll just be haunted by those two most terrible worlds for a while.....What if?

Snazzyfeelingfestive Sun 30-Dec-12 22:13:15

You love the idea of who he was but he's shown you he's not that person. He's not worthy of you. Keep moving forward, bear with the pain while you heal. It will get better.

A1980 Sun 30-Dec-12 22:16:16

He was that person until his world collapsed and fell apart around him.

He would still be that person if it hadn't happened.

But it happened to him... no undoing it.

CabbageLeaves Sun 30-Dec-12 23:01:37

Things happen OP.... All the time, things happen. Your relationship didn't survive and would not cope with other things.

This is probably why he's never had a long relationship

A1980 Sun 30-Dec-12 23:12:19

I know cabbage leaves. But I have to say his things happneing were pretty extrordinary.

He had never lost his job, had his knee be badly injured and endure two family deaths all in the space of 2-3 months beofre. He had been stable for 10 years before this.

I don't know how I would cope with all that happening to me at the same time. I think he could have coped with any one of the things happeneing but all three together is a bit much for anyone. But the difference that makes is what?! Nothing sad

Dottiespots Sun 30-Dec-12 23:18:46

The truth still remains though A, that he just didnt love you enough. If he did he would be with really is that simple. Men dont tell you the truth bluntly instead they say that they want to take a break. It means the same thing the end.

A1980 Sun 30-Dec-12 23:48:24

Yeah break instigated by me losing my temper a little.

It was all my fault.

Dottiespots Mon 31-Dec-12 00:18:18

NO that is not true at all. He didnt break up with you cause of anything you did really, it just highlighted to him that he wasnt in love with you enough to continue. It had run its natural course before you lost your temper. If he was in love with you he would need you with him now when he is at his worse. But his friend dying and his knee injury just brought home the fact that he didnt love you enough to be with you. If he loved you he would be with you and would phone you and text you all the time. You losing your temper would not have affected him that much. You have to try and understand that HE JUST DOESNT LOVE YOU. Its that simple.

A1980 Mon 31-Dec-12 00:26:49

So why did he cry and say why did I get caught up that day, this would never have happened. He was in tears over it.

likeatonneofbricks Mon 31-Dec-12 00:39:48

OP, I ve beenr eading your thread and i agree with you that it's not all clear cut (like many postres suggest) - I suggest, just leave it to him, if it's meant to be it will be. He did have a horrendous few months but I still think that he wouldn't have mentioned a positive 2013 just like that - it may NOT happen of course, but can you just leave it be and distract by going out and doing things, exercise helps low mood etc. If he recovers and feels that he loves you he will very soon let you know, but if not then obviously he is not right for you - feelings can change, and also of he is weak in character you wouldn't want him long term tbh. Has he been silent now? if he texts just don't reply - he thinks you are there at the click og his fongers, if he does want you he will make more effort than the texting. But atm do nothing and just look after yourself.

likeatonneofbricks Mon 31-Dec-12 00:41:06

sorry for typos!

A1980 Mon 31-Dec-12 00:52:54

I've accepted I'll never see him again and that's why I've hit the sadness stage. I am aware how nuts I sound. he hasn't contacted me for a couple of weeks after me asking him what's going on.

The hard thing for me is I got ill at the same time this happened. I have a viral thing that will take week to clear. I tried going to the gym and I felt as if I would throw up. I can't even run off my frustration.

For my own sake I am not reading into anything.

I have never had break ups like this before. the previous ones were cold and clinical, its over now go.

I told my GP what happened to him and he said that is majorly depressing.

As you can tell I am worried for my sanity.I have never taken a break up so hard before. I have to find a way to put this behind me. going to bed with a sleeping pill at least unconscious for a while....wish it would be for a long time.

A1980 Mon 31-Dec-12 01:03:50

My GP said that what happened to him would be majorly depressing sorry.

I remember alienating friends and family when I was unemployed due to the stress and worry. I wasn't sick and bereaved though.

But I know. its a head Fuck and it won't work so this is why I'm majorly depressed.

Dottiespots Mon 31-Dec-12 01:04:31

No nothing is ever clear cut but there is nothing to be gained by blaming yourself for everything. He would be with you if he wanted to be....but he doesnt. You dont know what he is thinking but Im sure he wasnt perfect throughout the relationship himself. There is nothing you can do now except respect yourself and not allow someone to make you feel soooo bad.

Dottiespots Mon 31-Dec-12 01:10:28

But A "you are reading into it"!!! Toooo much and you are overthinking it and going over it and over it. Look back at this thread and look at your previous thread on it too. Its all the same thing and you are making yourself ill. And now you are talking about wishing that the sleeping pill would make you sleep for longer than a night and you have referred to being afraid of the way you feel as well. I know you just want and need to talk and get it all out on paper and thats understandable but seriously......stop hurting yourself.

A1980 Mon 31-Dec-12 01:23:42

I know.

He wasn't perfect but with him it was omission rather than act. he took me for granted and when I pulled him up on it he was genuinely surprised at what he'd been doing. for a couple of months he'd been forgetting the most simple things. he was stressed out and worried. when he realised he'd taken me for granted he was very upset and cried. there's genuine emotion there but its fubar. (fucked up beyond all reason).

I just wanna stay asleep so I don't have to feel hurt.

Dottiespots Mon 31-Dec-12 01:25:26

Sweetheart.....the hurt will go, you know it will, just needs more time to pass.

Dottiespots Mon 31-Dec-12 01:27:11

Youve done really well to not contact him and should be very proud of yourself you know that? Alot of ladies would have gone down the bunny boiler route and kept contacting him and asking him again and again and again what is happening really well done you.

Dottiespots Mon 31-Dec-12 01:30:21

all you can do is wait and see what unfolds. When hes feeling better maybe he will contact you but at the moment he isnt feeling anything .

Dottiespots Mon 31-Dec-12 01:30:58

Go to sleep now and let the tablet do its magic. Nighty night.l

A1980 Mon 31-Dec-12 01:34:56

I know that is all I can do. I told him when he wanted a break that he shouldn't expect me to chase him and I haven't and won't.

He texted me only 3 days into it and has texted every week since. When he dropped the card off that surprised me so I texted to ask what wsss going on and shouldn't we talk. silence from him. oh well Fuck off then ....I ain't chasing you.

A1980 Mon 31-Dec-12 01:41:25

The tablet isn't working sad

Dottiespots Mon 31-Dec-12 01:44:33

buggers....when did you take it

Dottiespots Mon 31-Dec-12 01:46:06

make sure your in bed lying down so that you are allowing the tablet to do its thing....ok

A1980 Mon 31-Dec-12 01:55:57

About half sn hour ago.....

Dottiespots Mon 31-Dec-12 02:38:23

says very quitely......are you asleep???

A1980 Mon 31-Dec-12 11:02:36

Yes. slept like a log but can't get outbof bed now. want this to end.

A1980 Mon 31-Dec-12 16:00:12

Hey guys... thank you for you for your support.

I have again driven myself nuts today reading all of our old text messages, over 1500 of them. I was going to delete them all hence looking at them one last time.

It was heartbreaking to read....we were so immensely and immeasurably close and had a strong bond. I've never had a bond like it with anyone else. I can even see if from the text messages exactly where it went wrong...round aobut the time he had the family war and the deaths I would get texts saying, I've had a hellish day again trying to sort everything out, hours on the phone, feeling really drained and he was putting me off saying he couldn't talk right now as he had too much rubbish to sort out. I backed off and left him. It stayed like that and we enjoyed our holiday abroad and when we came back from those 5 days we were renewed only for him to end up in hospital a week or two later and for his job to end too leaving him with nothing. It was never the same after that. It's so clear from the way we spoke to each other...there are clues all over the text messages and I just didn't see it or couldn't have known how bad it was going to get for him.

I can see how it happened and i guess the bond we had wasn't strong enought to survive but this is why it is so hard to get over as it was external factors.

I've kept strong and not contacted him. It's a year to the day today that we first communicated which is hard for me.

Shall I just leave well alone or for my own sake just send a letter explaining how I feel but tellig him I know it's over.

CabbageLeaves Mon 31-Dec-12 17:22:04

I'd normally advise cutting contact completely but tbh the more you divulge the more I can see how this is really unfinished business for you. Write the letter

You don't have to send it wink

Seriously... Write it. I think writing could get it all out for you

A1980 Mon 31-Dec-12 20:20:35

he just Included me in a text to all of his friends wishing me happy new year. In floods of tears on the sofa wondering what is going on.

So was it an accident or.not. should respond?

Snazzyfeelingfestive Mon 31-Dec-12 20:25:45

Throwing you crumbs, I'm afraid. If anything else would have been an individual message. Don't reply. That way he will wonder what you are doing not the other way round.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 31-Dec-12 21:01:41

What Snazzy said. He's included you in a 'round robin' text for new years wishes, like everybody else does. Please don't demean yourself by responding and, allow yourself tonight to 'grieve' then dry your tears because he just isn't interested and never will be.

A1980 Mon 31-Dec-12 21:22:12

You're right. I'm not replying. Had it been a personal one just to me, I may have replied.

I am getting tired of this. The "break" was supposed to be until New Year or so until he sorts his mess out. Dates and phone calls were little fun before this as he was so miserable about his lot and he was clearly depressed. I can see it as I have been depressed following the break up.

So he can contact me properly or not but I'm through with this game playing shit.

Snazzyfeelingfestive Mon 31-Dec-12 22:07:24

Stick with that position. You will be better for it than him in the long run. Wishing you much better people in your life in 2013 - look out for them. This guy is not good enough for you, believe me.

A1980 Mon 31-Dec-12 22:28:41

It's so evil though. when I've broken up with people I wouldn't dream of contacting them or hurting them anymore than I already had.

I guess that makes me a better person.

Snazzyfeelingfestive Mon 31-Dec-12 23:13:12

I read this the other day (DM link, sorry) and you might get something from it. Talks about how people hurt those they one loved to justify their behaviour.

A1980 Mon 31-Dec-12 23:30:44

Kinda different though.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 31-Dec-12 23:47:16

It's not really, A1980. It's about a woman trying to come to terms with what her partner has done. She wasn't expecting him to leave, but he did. She's asking herself how he could have done this. You're asking the same things yourself and you're (in my opinion), re-writing your history a little, trying every which way to portray the man who's hurt you as somebody 'not so bad' who really, deep down, is committed to you. You want the posters here to agree with you because that would give you 'strength' to hold on, it would bolster you.

I'm truly glad that nobody here is doing that. It would be a huge disservice to you. Your pain is palpable, everything you write screams it out, but you're not facing it, not really. You're believing somewhere that you've stopped accepting his behaviour, that you won't accept game-playing any longer and that he would need to come back to you and do the running. What you're not prepared to believe is that he won't, that he doesn't care for you - not on ANY level.

In a way, he's done you a huge favour, he's stopped contact with you - completely. He could keep you dangling so easily because you want him so much. His refusal to lean on you, stay in touch, text you, ring you, whatever, is what will eventually set you free. Well, it will set you free if you let it. You really need to stop dwelling and stop wallowing now. It's over, OVER. It really is. What will you do now to move on with your life?

If I were with you now, I'd give you a hug - then I'd give you a shake and not pander to your role playing of devoted girlfriend. You're not his girlfriend, he's not capable of having one so stop writing yourself in that role. There will be a man out there for you who is just right. He can't find you right now because you're not ready and you're not the person that you really are at the moment.

Please A1980, take stock, objectively, get some help and stop obsessing over this muppet. He doesn't love you, doesn't want you and doesn't need you. You deserve someone who does, you really do. This is said with kindness and compassion - get a grip before you alienate all your RL friends and family and start getting over this non-entity.

A1980 Tue 01-Jan-13 00:01:36

Thanks for taking the time. I know how I sound. I don't want to live anymore. I was depressed anyway with my.lot in life.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Tue 01-Jan-13 00:09:44

A1980... Happy NEW Year. It IS a new year and it could be a great one for you. Why don't you want to live? Do you really want to give this one person who isn't worthy of you anyway, the excuse of you not living anymore? Really? What about the people in your life who really do love you? Does their opinion of you not count?

This man is damaged. You know that. He's not even very nice, no matter what you say. You're painting him as some kind of tortured soul when all that he is is damaged and better off by himself not hurting anybody else.

Please don't let another day go by where you haven't been back to your GP and demanded help. Ring the Samaritans too, they will help you, talk you through your pain. I know how you're feeling, I really do, I've been there. I'd not go back to that time for anything but I'm shivvering at the remembrance of it all.

What do you need to help you get through this? I'm not great at advice, I'm a bit blunt sometimes, but I'm genuine and if there's anything I can feasibly do to help you, I'll do it. I can't stand by and hear your pain and not try to help. What do you need?

A1980 Tue 01-Jan-13 00:18:04

PM me. don't want to say it all in open forum.

Dottiespots Tue 01-Jan-13 00:21:36

Hi A.....heres to a brilliant 2013 full of new friends, new experiences and a brand new start. Make the most of it and let the past go.x

CinderellaMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 01-Jan-13 00:23:26

So sorry that you're feeling this way - really hope you can get some support both on MN and indeed in RL there is a list of folk who can help here
Happy New Year to you, feel sure it will bring good things for you.

Snazzynewyear Tue 01-Jan-13 00:26:14

You can be in a much better place by this time next year, OP, you really can. Ring the Samaritans or whoever's best and just talk to someone.

CabbageLeaves Tue 01-Jan-13 00:32:42

A1980- wishing you a strong 2013 Go forwards and take positive steps smile

A1980 Tue 01-Jan-13 00:46:31

I've with my parents. I'm Ok.

Dottiespots Tue 01-Jan-13 00:50:57

Good....Im glad your with them A. Weather you realise it or not you mean a great deal to your Mum and your Dad and if you were to be not living how do you think they would feel. They love you and they have been there for you and are there for you now because they love you .

Dottiespots Tue 01-Jan-13 00:53:35

This will pass, this horrible time and you WILL go on to have a good relationship/marriage/poss children with a man who loves you and you will look back on this bad time as just that.....a bad dark time but not worth throwing it all away for cause the good times will come and you will see that this man was not worth your time or your tears.x

A1980 Tue 01-Jan-13 00:53:49

They are sick of talking about it and my mum doesn't think its hopeless with him. so not a great scenario.

A1980 Tue 01-Jan-13 00:54:42

Id never do just feels pointless at the minute.

Dottiespots Tue 01-Jan-13 00:56:32

he he....yes we parents do get sick of listening to the woes of our kids love lifes but we would still feel absolutely and completely devastated if we lost one of our children for they are everything to us and we love them to bits and out lives would almost not be worth living if our children were to not be living. Do you understand x

Dottiespots Tue 01-Jan-13 00:57:50

I know it does but it will pass.....I promise you.

A1980 Tue 01-Jan-13 01:02:59

Perhaps I should write to him and tell him where I'm coming from and to let me alone... because I can't stand the messages coming in. makes me feel worse.

Dottiespots Tue 01-Jan-13 01:06:05

You should not write to him your just wanting reasons to contact him. Just barr him on your phone then he can no longer text you....he can only ring you.

A1980 Tue 01-Jan-13 01:07:46

My phone doesn't work like that. i can bar calls but not texts I think.

Dottiespots Tue 01-Jan-13 01:16:12

Go to your list of people , if you have an android touch screen you press down on the name and a list of options should come up and one of them is..."block caller". Do try it on someone elses name first just in case you accidently phone them. Then all texts should be barred but they can still ring you. Its usually ringing that you are not able to barr....only your network provider can do that. Plus if he trys to text you then, he will get a note saying he is unable to send text to that number. That will either cause him to give up or to ring.

Dottiespots Tue 01-Jan-13 01:17:21

my english is really good normally just goes wrong when i type online lol

A1980 Tue 01-Jan-13 01:21:04

No mine only has blacklist call barring

Dottiespots Tue 01-Jan-13 01:22:09

ooooo....lucky you. Wish I did.

Dottiespots Tue 01-Jan-13 01:23:00

You know...New Years Eve is one of the worst nights of the year for those who are unhappy!!!!! So thats why i say to you that this will pass.

A1980 Tue 01-Jan-13 01:25:09

I can't block texts though which is annoying.

I disagree Christmas was the worst. we had loads of stuff planned....all I had to do was keep quiet but I picked a fight for nothing

Dottiespots Tue 01-Jan-13 01:36:14

In my job I have found over the years that New Years Eve is the time when there are the most suicide calls A.

Dottiespots Tue 01-Jan-13 01:37:58

And why do you think tht if you had kept quiet all this would have never happened. Do you think that maybe he was just looking for an excuse to end things and if it wasnt your "getting angry " with him it could have been something else.

Dottiespots Tue 01-Jan-13 01:40:18

What do you think he has been doing these last few weeks A. Do you think he has been sitting at home?

A1980 Tue 01-Jan-13 01:43:26

My getting angry was quite uncalled for and out of the blue. I had bottled yp my feelings and so it was news to him. I would have been bloody shocked and hurt to be on the receiving end of it.

Quite possibly at home. no job bad leg. remember.

FaffTastic Tue 01-Jan-13 01:58:02

Butting in on this thread A1 to say if he really loved you and wanted to be with you things wouldn't have ended because you lost your temper and expressed issues you were unhappy with. If he wanted to be with you he would have discussed them and tried to work things through with you. Maybe not immediately, but soon enough after.

I say this as someone in an almost identical situation. I was pissed off with someone who I had been seeing for 5 months and he just blanked me and refused to discuss or try to resolve things. This was at the end of November. Since then he's been sending texts, blowing hot and cold, hot enough to still keep me dangling but cold enough to make me realise he's really just not that into me.

It's hit me incredibly hard. I've had long term relationships end, even my marriage ffs, that didn't seem to hit me as hard as this.

I've taken days off work, days where I have spent all day in bed, acted like a zombie with friends/family. I know it's pathetic.

All I will say, is that although he is on my mind nearly constantly I am reaching the stage where I know he's not worth it and I actually don't want to be with someone like that. I'm still finding it a struggle to let go but I know that I will

I guess I'm just trying to say, hang in there, resist all contact and it WILL get better xxx

Dottiespots Tue 01-Jan-13 02:01:47

No it wasnt uncalled for, why do you think that you dont have the right to say how you feel. We all have the right to express our feelings especially if we have kept them bottled up. You had listened to him and put up with his stuff for ages so he should also be an adult and be prepared to hear how you feel with out ending things with you. He is a grown up too. Please please stop making excuses for him. You are making excuses for him again and again. And how can you know he was at home all this time. Does it not occur to you that he could be out enjoying himself maybe even with another woman. Im sorry but he could be and if that doesnt make you feel angry then it should cause I dont think for a minute that he is sitting there brooding. This is the image you have in your head of him and it might not be the correct one. I know I dont know what he is doing either but I somehow dont think he is sitting brooding. Hes probably gone out for a good time. And your wasting your energy and emotions thinking he is this perfect man who is misunderstood and innocent. Hes not.

Dottiespots Tue 01-Jan-13 02:04:33

And Faff that is what i and many many others on this and another post have been trying to say to this lovely lovely lady. The simplicity of the fact that if he loved her he would be with her. End of. Hes just not into her and that is the fact and anything else is just all in her imagination. And hes not worth it.

A1980 Tue 01-Jan-13 02:04:37

Its good to know I'm not alone. my downfall was that I just hinted at the problems got a lukewarm response and then blew up. I ought to have gone for it and said we need to talk and really had it out.

What happened to you....who dumped who dumped& how long has it been?

I don't get it either....I had a 3 year relationship break up and it didn't hit me this hard.

A1980 Tue 01-Jan-13 02:10:07

Angel I'm pming you...

FaffTastic Tue 01-Jan-13 02:17:20

Been there done that with him - hinted at problems, tentatively discussed, nothing changed. I blew and indicated that I pretty much wanted to end it .... Then backtracked madly, pretty much pleaded for another chance, but he was having none of it.

Since then - same story - he's been sending friendly texts using my nickname etc. He's upped the ante since I ignored his Xmas day text and sent a letter trying to explain his shitty behaviour

Still texting daily, but never saying that he wants to be with me. I sent him a text earlier saying to stop contacting me, that I wanted to start 2013 afresh and now he suddenly wants to talk tomorrow. Yet he didn't respond to my NYE text.

I am nothing but an ego stroke to this man now. He doesn't want me in his life but he wants me to want him in my life.

If these men liked us and wanted to be with us, regardless of any issues they might have blah blah, they would make damn sure that we knew they liked us. Would you keep someone dangling and make them feel like shit if you cared? NO.

I have no idea why this has hit me so hard but I'm wise to his conscious or subconscious games now. He's not going to make me feel insecure and like shit anymore. Neither should yours.

The start of 2013 is a brilliant opportunity to wipe the slate clean, shake the cobwebs off, wash him out of our hair. I am NOT entiring 2013 feeling like I have done in the latter part of 2012.

Don't let him make you feel this way. You can do it darling xx

AndrewMyrrh Tue 01-Jan-13 02:22:10

Hey A, happy new year. Onwards and upwards… smile

A1980 Tue 01-Jan-13 02:22:29

What was in his letter then?

Sure there's no chance for you?

FaffTastic Tue 01-Jan-13 02:38:09

No, no chance. I'd love there to be but i dont think he wants to and my self respect is starting to kick in now aswell. His letter was just wishy washy words, trying to make excuses for himself to appease his own guilt. Oh it said what a wonderful person he thought i was blah blah but he never said that he wanted to be with me, wanted to fix things.

The letter smacks of him feeling that I'm starting to walk away rather than dangle and want to be with him - I feel he sent the letter to try and still keep me hanging. Just like your one is doing but keeping contact.

Deep down I know, if he wanted to be with me he would say. Would you not? I know I would - if someone meant that much to me, if it meant loosing them when I wanted to be with them, I would frigging well say and do what it takes. The fact that your man, and mine, isn't doing that, means they don't want to be with us. They're just using us as an ego boost. Harsh but true.

I feel like every ounce of me misses him but I know I deserve better so he can go fuck himself with his non commital contact. I am determined he's not going to invade anymore of my head space and stop me from functioning and living life any longer. You can do it too. Small steps but we'll get there smile x

A1980 Tue 01-Jan-13 02:47:45

Why don't you just ask him what the Fuck he's doing? Make him explain.

FaffTastic Tue 01-Jan-13 02:54:39

I'm not hear to post about me tbh. I have asked obviously and I've got a whole heap of indecisiveness. If he wanted to be with me he'd just flipping well say. The same with your bloke. The point is, as hard as it is to take, they don't want to be with us but still want to invade our head and heart space which is soul destroying,

It's been killing me but I'm determined that I'm not going to give him that power anymore. Please do the same x

A1980 Tue 01-Jan-13 02:59:10

My doesn't but yours might.

I've been in two minds about guys before. not sure. didn't mean I didn't want them.

FaffTastic Tue 01-Jan-13 03:09:55

This thread is about making you feel like there is a future without this loser in your live smile If someone loved you and wanted to be with you they would hate the thought that you were hurting and struggling, not thrive on that thought for the sake of their own ego.

I have no idea why the end of a short relationship has hit me so hard, just like I'm sure you don't either. For some reason I decided to base my future around him in my head, I feel as if I've no future now even though I'm actually quite an independent person. The rational part of me knows I wouldn't want a future with someone who can treat me like this. Nor do you. Clutch onto that thought - we may be hurting, but your future is actually better off without him - you deserve better, you really really do.

FaffTastic Tue 01-Jan-13 03:10:42

Excuse the typos - been on the booze grin

A1980 Tue 01-Jan-13 03:12:01

I don't think he knows how hurt I am I acted like I was cool with it.

FaffTastic Tue 01-Jan-13 03:17:08

Sorry if you've already said this but have you actually told him that you still want to be with him? That balls to 'the break' you want a relationship with him and he needs to let you know one way or the other - end it with you & stop contacting you or be with you properly?

A1980 Tue 01-Jan-13 03:20:07

No. I've not said anything. just been as non committal ad him since it started.

just told him.not to expect me to chase or wait for him.

A1980 Tue 01-Jan-13 13:06:15

I know fafftastic ....short lived though it may have been this was the first guy I saw a future with and he apparently saw one with me. Even two weeks before it happened he was mentioning holidays etc with me.

that's why it's so hard to deal with. in terms of telling him balls to.the break I still want to be with him....I fail to see the point now and I am too hurt and fragile to do it now. I am getting increasingly angry and want to write to him on that vein but there is no point.

Dottiespots Tue 01-Jan-13 20:14:28

Have you read "Hes just not that into you" or get yourself a copy of "The Rules" the dating guide for keeping your self esteem.

A1980 Tue 01-Jan-13 20:53:11

I done like the rules.....its just game playing and being difficult for no reason.

Don't accept a weekend date after a wednesdsy for example.....why not? I like impromptu.......

A1980 Tue 01-Jan-13 21:09:00

I didn't need to do the rules.....because I didn't need to pretend I was unavailable and play hard to get....I WAS unavailable a lot of the time.

This is why I can't understand it. I went to the gym 3 times a week, saw a friend at least one evening a week, had work functions & drinks a lot of the time. Thru the whole relationship I was out of the house from early morning to often after 9pm. I never once chased him, asked where he was or with whom, demanded he sacrifice his plans for me etc. we were both independent people.

I don't need a book to tell me how not to depend on a guy, I already lived a full life without one. I just got a little concerned when his problems kicked in and I guess he just wanted to deal with it his own way. I think the end bit wad my fault.

Dottiespots Tue 01-Jan-13 21:28:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

A1980 Tue 01-Jan-13 21:31:17

I know he's not coming back which is why I'm so miserable.

Never mind. did you se my pm angel?

Dottiespots Tue 01-Jan-13 21:37:28

Whoops..,no ....sorry....will go now.

FaffTastic Wed 02-Jan-13 23:24:51

How are you feeling today A1?

A1980 Wed 02-Jan-13 23:55:50

Still very hurt and heartbroken.

I went swimming today & realised my too tight suit was now too big. I have lost 6kg (over a stone). I look great. nothing like a break up!!

Faf how do you stand the yearning for them. its awful & not getting any better.

likeatonneofbricks Thu 03-Jan-13 01:53:31

A, what do you mean 'non-commital as always' - did he know that you were interested in r-ship? I'm sure he knew, otherwise it would make no sense for you to be heart-broken hmm.
As to the yearning - yes it's hell, happened to me once as badly as this, only time and distraction helps, finding something enjoyable to do. Accept it will hurt as hell, listen to some love songs and cry a bit to get it out of the system but the advice in books is to set a time for it each day rather than try to stop yourself, eventually keep shortening this time slot - it sounds silly but it helps.

Beaverfeaver Thu 03-Jan-13 03:04:58

I had never ears of these 'rules' before, but just checked thm out.

Seem quite archaic to me, but I did like 'love only those who love you'

How do you stop from loving someone when you realise they don't?

And I am pretty sure the guys play these 'rules' better than anyone, and that's what gets people into these mixed messages problems in the first place.

If only people were just honest and truthful about their feelings from the start and not scared (pointing fingers at the men now)

Dottiespots Thu 03-Jan-13 03:30:41

The Rules might seem old fashioned but just like the book "Hes just not into you".... and many other modern day dating books,they explain where women go wrong and how women stop a relationship in its tracks before it even has a chance to devolope. Not saying they are perfect but you either read the book and "get it" or you dont. Works for some, maybe not for others.

Beaverfeaver Thu 03-Jan-13 03:49:38

Oh dear:

Beaverfeaver Thu 03-Jan-13 03:49:50
Dottiespots Thu 03-Jan-13 21:01:02
A1980 Sun 06-Jan-13 17:10:09

Dear John email this morning. all.wanna.say I told you so. sad

Anniegetyourgun Sun 06-Jan-13 17:41:06

Actually I think what most people are carefully restraining themselves from saying is "thank goodness the mind games are over, now you can get on with healing". I think in a while, looking back, you'll realise that not knowing what the heck was going on was more painful than knowing it was over. But it still sucks, and you have my sympathy.

Doha Sun 06-Jan-13 18:15:12

What a cowardly way to end things you would have at least deserved a phone call...hmm
But as Annie says thank Goodness now you can start to grieve properly for the end of the relationship and move on.

A1980 Sun 06-Jan-13 18:19:41

We spoke yesterday and he wanted to end it but wasn't 100% sure said for the moment he can't see a way forward feeling sick at the thought of never seeing me again.
arranged to meet to discuss (my idea).
Then the email. oh well.

Doha Sun 06-Jan-13 18:25:04

As l said bloody coward.
Please don't meet up with him now. You have nothing to gain...

A1980 Sun 06-Jan-13 18:28:42

He doesn't want to now.

You were right the texts meant nothing...he wanted to be giving me the gift he already got me for Christmas........shock

Snazzynewyear Sun 06-Jan-13 22:52:35

I think most posters just want you not be be hurting with all this any more. And if he finally makes his mind up then at least you know where you are and as Annie and Doha have said you can grieve and start to move on. He is spineless and you will do better.

WinkyWinkola Sun 06-Jan-13 23:13:25

You know, even if he said yes let's get back together, you'd feel doubt and nervous. He can't pull the rug from under you again.

So, now is your chance to really bloom away from this lily livered specimen. He's been through so much and yet can't give you the respect and time aside from a Dear John? Dearie me. That's lame.

It's time to shrug him off and do your own thing.

A1980 Sun 06-Jan-13 23:42:07

Snazzy he has made his mind up..he email was very final.

A1980 Sun 06-Jan-13 23:54:02

Its my fault for flogging a dead horse so long....should have let it go when I had the chance instead of going on a break. it was obvious as you all said that he didn't want me. I have only myself to blame.

Snazzynewyear Mon 07-Jan-13 00:22:27

It's not all your fault. And tbh it doesn't matter. What matters is that you focus on you now instead of him.

A1980 Mon 07-Jan-13 00:28:04

It was mainly my fault towards the end. the early stuff maybe not...

Towards the end he clearly didn't wanna be with me and I should have let it go but I didn't.

A1980 Mon 07-Jan-13 00:33:50

He clearly wanted to break up and I clung on for dear life. it was silly.

I don't know why he kept texting me using my confused me. but the rest was my fault. he wanted ti break up, I should have agree the first time and the next time etc.

BerylStreep Mon 07-Jan-13 16:31:59

A1980, don't be hard on yourself. It just didn't work out, end of. There's no point trying to understand it, or him.

I have just given this advice on another thread, but I think it applies equally to you.

wine, duvet, Marion Keyes books, & long walks.

AntsMarching Mon 07-Jan-13 17:56:13

A, I know it's not what you want, but he's done you a favour. Now you know it's really over, you can move on and heal. Look after you, do things that you want and spend time with your friends.

Don't beat yourself up over what you did or what could've been. This has ended the way it was always going to, it was never your choice, it was always his.

Learn from this relationship and in your next one I hope you find a partner that is worthy of you.

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