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Sex Texts

(53 Posts)
wishIwasonaBeach Thu 13-Dec-12 15:02:51

Found disgusting sex texts on phone of boyfriend (of 2.5 years).

Girl is an ex he was seeing - not an ex gf.

Date back to two weeks ago.

Says nothing more is going on (I do believe him as in that time we have moved out of our house and in with my mum so we have been with each nearly every evening and weekend).

Started crying. Told me it was nothing but a bit of excitement and claims he now realises we do have issues with our sex life (I've been telling him we do for months).

I do want to move on. Says he realises what he stands to lose -he's been on best behaviour. Clingy

But I can't help but just feel sick to my stomach...

Will it pass or is that the end?

I don't want it to be but I feel like that's what I should be doing hmm

ClippedPhoenix Thu 13-Dec-12 15:05:53

I wouldn't be with a man if i found out he was sending disgusting sex texts to anyone, yuck.

wishIwasonaBeach Thu 13-Dec-12 15:08:36

But people do make mistakes... No?

BluelightsAndSirens Thu 13-Dec-12 15:09:56

Yuck. So instead off addressing issues within his relationship he takes up sex texting with another women?

Does he still have her number. Do you trust him?

QueenieLovesEels Thu 13-Dec-12 15:11:55

I'd show the shifty little squit the door.

wishIwasonaBeach Thu 13-Dec-12 15:14:59

Since this all kicked off he's determined to show me how it was a mistake and I can trust him again.

She texted him yesterday morning and he proudly showed me his replies and then deleted the number, in front of me.

He wrote to her "My girlfriend has seen the texts. I now want to concentrate on my relationship and do not text me again" - she put "I'm sorry I will not speak to you again."

I'm trying to see this has - it may be the kick up the arse he needs? Or am I just being too nice. I just love him so much and I can't believe he did this.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 13-Dec-12 15:15:38

One inappropriate text would be a mistake.... a series of 'disgusting sex texts' to an old flame in pursuit of excitement when you have sexual issues with your girlfriend of 2.5 years isn't a mistake it's a complete breach of trust and contemptible behaviour. If he's just a boyfriend and you don't have anything concrete like kids together or a mortgage then don't waste time on the whys and wherefores. Of course he's on best behaviour because he's sorry he got caught. Won't last...

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 13-Dec-12 15:16:42

"He wrote to her "My girlfriend has seen the texts. I now want to concentrate on my relationship and do not text me again" - she put "I'm sorry I will not speak to you again.""

Oh please... what a set-up. hmm After a scripted routine like that he should finish with a song....

wishIwasonaBeach Thu 13-Dec-12 15:19:43

Yeah but he's not an actor - he emotion less and he was sobbing on Sunday holding me saying I know I've made a mistake if I can get help please can we get through this...I know him if he wasn't arsed he would have just left.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 13-Dec-12 15:23:55

If you've made up your mind that it's nothing, then carry on as you are. But that 'sick to your stomach' feeling is because you suspect there's more to this. As you're living at your mother's place, could you send him home to his parents or to stay with a friend for a while until you've made up your mind how you really feel?

IME sex texts are often foreplay between people who are hooking up IRL.

wishIwasonaBeach Thu 13-Dec-12 15:26:52

Yes. Maybe you're right.

I think I need a bit of space and time.

Living with him while he suffocates me with kisses and apologies - it's just exhausting.

Thanks for your replies x

scaevola Thu 13-Dec-12 15:27:22

You do need to treat this as an affair (and do not discount the possibility that it was also hands on). Breaking it off and having no contact with her is an important first step. But do you really believe it is over? Will he let you check his phone and emails? Do you know where he is when he is not with you?

wishIwasonaBeach Thu 13-Dec-12 15:35:05

He doesn't really have fun of a social life.

He works a lot and goes to the gym and that's about it.

Can't remember the last time he went out - June maybe.

That's why there is a part of me that does believe these were just stupid texts.

Yes - has let me check both and is now, obviously, fine with me just asking to look.

He said to me last night, I f***ked up let me show you, that I am sorry and that it is wrong to become complacent" - we kind of left last night as, lets see how we go. If nothing improves - if I don't think he is putting effort into us then I think I will have to call it a day. IMO it's one thing to make a mistake, learn from it and then make changes but it's another to just make a huge mistake and hurt the one you love. If this changes his attitude to us then fine - ok it was a stupid way to learn a lesson, but as least he did - but if nothing changes and he's goes back to just taking me for granted, well, I think I deserve better.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 13-Dec-12 15:41:00

When I was young and naive I had an affair with a married man. His wife found out, he rang me and told me he was going to call me when she was there to tell me that he was calling it off blah blah. I wanted to end it anyway so for me that was it.

He called me a couple of hours later and asked to continue with the affair.

wishIwasonaBeach Thu 13-Dec-12 15:44:26

So - I don't even give me a chance?

i just write him off as a liar and that's that? x

BOFingSanta Thu 13-Dec-12 15:50:29

Do what you like love, it's your life. But I wouldn't say it was a mistake either- a mistake is an accidental and momentary lapse of judgement, not something which takes thought and planning and goes on over time. Added to which, he sounds like a whiny pain in the arse, but hey, I'm not going out with him, so that doesn't matter.

You sound like you've made your mind up, fine.

wishIwasonaBeach Thu 13-Dec-12 15:55:52

Haha Santa. Yeah, he has been since he was found out.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 13-Dec-12 15:58:13

So you want a sex texting whiney pain in the arse do you?

Hasn't respect for him somewhat diminished?

CajaDeLaMemoria Thu 13-Dec-12 16:18:44

I'm not sure that after 2.5 years things should have got complacent. I've been with my OH for nearly 6 years and if he did this, he'd be out the door.

That said, if you want to give it a go, go for it. Just make sure that you show him that you won't put up with it again. I'd ask him to go and stay at his parents for a few nights. Tell him you need to think. If he loves you as much as he says, he won't mind, and he'll gain an understanding of what he is risking here. If his crying and claims are lies, he'll start texting her again. Or sleeping with her again.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 13-Dec-12 17:17:44

"i just write him off as a liar and that's that? x"

The fact is that he is a liar and that he has been secretive and deceptive about his connection with someone other than you. If you hadn't found the texts it would probably still be going on.

This doesn't mean writing him off exactly but it does mean acknowledging that he is untrustworthy. So your future relationship, should it continue, will be coloured by that knowledge. It will be one where you may not be so happy for him to go to the gym because... well... how do you know he's actually at the gym all that time and not popping over to some girl's place for a quickie? You're going to wonder who it is every time a text beeps... or an e-mail arrives... or he's on the phone.... or he's half an hour late. He's on good behaviour now but how long before he starts to get resentful and accuses you of being suspicious? How long before your self-esteem takes a hit because he preferred someone over you enough to affect your sex-life?

So it's not necessarily 'LTB' or writing him off as a liar but do be fully aware of what it means to get back with someone who has let you down as seriously as this. It's no picnic.

MrsFlibble Thu 13-Dec-12 23:18:52

My ex was sending messages to an ex girlfriend (from 20 years, been "just friends since, gave me the "my exes never let me have female friends" bullshit, thats another story)

When i threatened to leave, he blubbered and whined like a bitch, promised to change and you all know the script, few months later, he left me to be with her.

So, if you want to work on your relationship then keep an eye out, because just because a man blubbers his eyes does not mean hes reformed.

dequoisagitil Thu 13-Dec-12 23:26:46

Read Cogito's post a few times. x

dequoisagitil Thu 13-Dec-12 23:27:51

The 17:17 one of Cog's.

nkf Thu 13-Dec-12 23:28:35

You don't have to give him a chance. You can if you choose. You seem to feel as if you want to dump him but you think it might be unfair. Because he cried? Because he promised to reform? You can do what you like you know. Do you have children? That might change my opinion. But if it's a relatively short term boyfriend and you have no other reason to be together apart from love and respect and liking, then please yourself.

wishIwasonaBeach Fri 14-Dec-12 08:37:25

Thank you for your replies.

I don't want you to think I am being dismissive and I do think you have all raised points that I need to go away and think about.

Obviously trust will now be an issue and maybe I am being naive and in a few months it'll all come out of the wood work and in fact a few sex texts were something a lot more but I feel like everything else is too good to just give up and move on.

I know it's a cliche but I know this man. He's behaved like a total pr1ck - but if he wasn't bothered about me/our relationship, he would have just left on Sunday when this all came out. I know he would. He also would not have gone through all the bother of moving into my mum's with me - (which is for my benefit I have a bit od debt to clear up).

Maybe you're all right and I'm just being a young idiot in love but I think it's worth fiind this out on my own, the hard way.

Btw no dc's and I'm 25 he's 29.

Thanks again x

Offred Fri 14-Dec-12 09:08:01

Beware placing too much emphasis on the idea that because he didn't leave he wants you/the relationship. All it really tells you is that on Sunday he didn't want to leave not that he did want you or even that he did want to stay. Not wanting to leave can be for many reasons.

The other thing I would say is why are you making your decision based on guesses about whether he wants to be with you or not? Why aren't you deciding whether you want what he is offering to you?

You say the rest of the relationship is too good to lose but you also say you are only 2.5 years in and he has been taking you for granted and your sex life has suffered? Those two statements don't match up unless you have quite low demands from a relationship (not a good thing).

Plus taking you for granted + sex life problems + sexting + going to the gym a lot = affair doesn't it really, that's what I'd be thinking.

I also majorly dislike his "my girlfriend knows and has told me to stop talking to you text" which is a very clear message to her that he still wants to speak to her and probably supports all the "waaaah, she's controlling and she doesn't understand me, I can't leave her just now because I'm such a nice guy, I wish we could be togetherrrrr....." Crap he has told her.

MrsFlibble Fri 14-Dec-12 09:21:38

I know it's a cliche but I know this man. He's behaved like a total pr1ck - but if he wasn't bothered about me/our relationship, he would have just left on Sunday when this all came out. I know he would. He also would not have gone through all the bother of moving into my mum's with me - (which is for my benefit I have a bit od debt to clear up)

He wants his cake and eat, fingers in different pies.

I thought i knew my ex, he even proposed to me, while still text an ex girlfriend.

Watch out, men are fickle creatures, he may mean it, but be prepared for him not too.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 14-Dec-12 09:47:05

I think 'watch out' is all we can collectively caution. Go into the next phase with your eyes wide open & don't be so naive or trusting again. You're also going to have to set a boundary for his behaviour in future which, if he crosses it, he knows there are serious consequences i.e. the end. Cheaters who get off the hook by the skin of their teeth are often emboldened by success and will give it another try when they think the dust has settled. Obviously, if he is genuinely sorry, he'll never cross that line. That's the gamble you're taking now.

Remember.... 'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me'.

janelikesjam Fri 14-Dec-12 10:10:47

I haven't really got anything to add to what others have said to OP. On the sexting alone I would only say two words "creep" and "bye" and put the rest of my energy into more interesting and positive things to do with my time.

janelikesjam Fri 14-Dec-12 10:14:18

But agree OP WishIWasOnABeach, its your life, your decisions.

Agree most of us find out the "hard" way. But we also can "wake up" a bit with the help and sometimes support of others and this can make it "easier" on ourselves.

WantToMakeThingsRight Fri 14-Dec-12 11:29:11


only YOU know your partner

People do make mistakes in life half the so called advisors here have been bitterly hurt in the past and no longer trusts men period.

I think you are making the right decisions for yourselves

Sometimes things get out of proportion a sex txt becomes he must be sleeping arround or worse

You said things have not been great in the sexual side are there things missing that both of you need to address

work on making things right outside the bedroom first.

Just to warn you in the past I have been verbally attacked and abused by mumsnet Supposedly advice givers... so be forwarned just in case it happens again

do what's right for you

take care

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 14-Dec-12 11:40:46

"only YOU know your partner "

Small correction. She didn't know her partner was sending creepy sex texts... We all think we know people until they do something we're not expecting.

WantToMakeThingsRight Fri 14-Dec-12 11:52:16

Cogito why.why do you do it why do you persist tell me why

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 14-Dec-12 11:59:21

Why what? Why tell a young woman that people are not always what they seem, the ramifications of betrayal run deep and suggest she takes her relationship forward with her eyes wide open rather than shut?

Because it's what a friend would say.

wishIwasonaBeach Fri 14-Dec-12 12:05:49

Oh also - a bit I didn't tell you she's getting married in a few weeks.

You have all opened my eyes. I'm approaching this in my own 'style' and my own pace. I see and understand that now he has betrayed my trust any number of things could be going on behind my back - but I am going into this eyes wide open.

'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me' This is what I am going into this thinking. I am prepared to see this as a slip up and move forward but I'm aware now and I will not ever forgive this or any other similar slipup again. I know I am worth more. I am a nice girl and a good gf.

Thanks again everyone - you're making me thinking of every single in an out of this situation and not just the emotional "but I lovvvve him" part x

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 14-Dec-12 12:07:24

Who's getting married? You OP?...

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 14-Dec-12 12:07:48

Or the object of the sex texts?

wishIwasonaBeach Fri 14-Dec-12 12:21:41

Sorry - that wasn't clear.

No not me/us.

The object of sex texts - OW x

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 14-Dec-12 12:22:44

They sound as classy as each other... hmm

wishIwasonaBeach Fri 14-Dec-12 12:24:50

Agreed CogitO

Slippersox Fri 14-Dec-12 12:34:32

Much older and with my DH almost 30 years when he was found out by OWs husband looking on her phone and discovering explicit texts. That was almost 3 years ago and we stayed together.Not easy and don't think I will ever feel the same tbh but daft as it sounds I do trust him not to do anything like that ever again.Technology can be insidiously addictive and what started out as friendly jokey banter got massively out of hand.He understands I will always regard this as an affair.They had actual day to day contact also via work and it still hurts to this day to think how much flirting they indulged in.
But he's a good man who has worked hard and been a fantastic dad to our DCs and done countless thoughtful things over the years.I truly think he lost the plot and got caught up in some sort of bubble.with work and family problems he was pretty low at the time.That's no excuse I know and he let me down enormously but I decided to give him a chance to prove he was really remorseful, and change his behaviour and boundaries re. other women.Not everyone would. On balance I'm glad I did.Hopefully we will grow old together and as time goes by this episode will be a dim, distant if still sad memory.Thats just the other perspective of chuck him out.

janelikesjam Fri 14-Dec-12 13:47:59

I think context is important and so I agree with WantstoMakeThingsRight in that sense. The OP will always have some aspects and subtleties of the story that others will not have, as well as having the decisive, casting vote! But Cogito has a point as well - sometimes we cannot see the truth staring us in the face, or we can see it but its obscured for whatever reason ... others shining a torch or seeing something just off our radar, doing a bit of straight talking there can help. Personally, I really enjoy the broad array of different views and reflections on MN.

Re. what Slippersox says, is a good example of context, where a a long marriage, a good man, genuine remorse, will say alot. In a way its really all about context - does the transgression confirm your worst fear about underlying incompatibility and different values, that this person may be someone to get out of your life or distance yourself from? Or something more to do with a moment of weakness or vulnerability in another wise loving and responsible person? I can't say I have had much experience of the latter <sad face>, but I think it can be true.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 14-Dec-12 14:01:04

Context certainly is important. A 30 year partnership, previously unblemished character and children etc is a completely different animal to a couple that haven't been together long. So many people end up stuck in bad relationships because they get together young, they're in love & they forgive what look like minor slip-ups in the early days when it's relatively easy to part ways. 10 or 20 years go by, the errors get repeated and, by the time they realise that they've made a bad choice of partner, they have the mortgage, the kids, maybe financially reliant ... and it's horrible all round.

AndrewMyrrh Fri 14-Dec-12 14:17:14

Crikey, if I was in my mid-twenties, with no joint commitments or mortgage, I wouldn't be giving this a second thought.

Do you really think this this guy is the best you can do?

AndrewMyrrh Fri 14-Dec-12 14:18:40

Out of interest, do you think the sexual difficulties are related to steroid use, given that the gym is his main interest?

wishIwasonaBeach Fri 14-Dec-12 14:41:41

Hmm I dont think he takes any steroids. Consumes a LOT of protein. 2 cans of tuna a day + 2 protein shakes but - nothing 'artificial' as far as I'm aware. I have thought about it before though.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 14-Dec-12 14:45:06

It was definitely a woman he was texting?

wishIwasonaBeach Fri 14-Dec-12 14:53:52

Well - there was a picture of a woman within the texts - in stockings etc.
"Look at what Im wearing to my job interview etc..." envy PS I'm using that as a sick face!

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 14-Dec-12 14:55:16

OK just checking. You'd be amazed how many allegedly straight men use gyms for gay encounters..

wishIwasonaBeach Fri 14-Dec-12 15:04:37

Yeah. I have experience (not directly - but another post for another day).

Slippersox Fri 14-Dec-12 17:25:12

Jane and Cogito are right about context and history of relationship as a whole.My first serious boyfriend cheated on me many moons ago after a 3 year relationship.We got back together but it only lasted another 6 months.My heart simply wasn't in it.Basically he blew it.And I had so much of my life ahead and I had changed as a person since we first got together.
Well I've changed again as a result of my DHs actions.Older, wiser, more cynical sadly.But for many other reasons to many to detail have decided to stay.Its not that I fear being alone, actually I feel strangely independent even though still married, and maybe that's not a bad thing.I live more for the day.Have focused on my friends and hobbies far more.My DH I think can sense a shift in me, a strength and resolve and whilst I don't want him forever apologising and wearing a hair shirt he knows he's lucky to have a second chance with me.Previous to this I would have expected to be very black and white and throw him out.Confusingly life's just not that simple.

badinage Fri 14-Dec-12 20:30:33

Context is everything. As Cogit said, if it's a 20-30 year relationship and it's the first time someone's let you down so there's lots of good history in the bank, you might be able to forgive a lapse of judgement, presuming that you had a good relationship beforehand.

But when you're in your twenties, have only been with someone a couple of years, the sex isn't great and he's already looking elsewhere? I just can't see the point of continuing. I'd assume he wasn't ready to commit to monogamy and that it would happen again.

nkf Sat 15-Dec-12 17:12:25

I didn't realise you were so young. I wouldn't give him the time of day. Oh, to be be 25 again.

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