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Is this is cheating on me?

(170 Posts)
amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:32:38

my oh has been very secretive for months. Texting all times of day and late and night. facebooking intill gone midnight. everytime i go near he either closes the browser or turns his phone over so i can't see. on the way home from his works do on friday night he stopped the car at 11.30 to text while he thought i was asleep. Then Sunday morning i see him hiding his phone in the bed under the covers texting. I went mad and got very upset. i demanded he told me who he was texting. he denied texting and when i demanded to see the texts he said it wasn't any of my business. he went to the loo and deleted all the texts. i got very upset and demanded he tell me who he was texting. eventually he told me it was two women he was "he was helping and supporting them through hard situations and that they didn't want him to tell me what so he couldn't show me". I think this is cheating, even if it is just emontinally. he says i shouldn't be upset and he doesn't see he has done anything wrong. AIBU?

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:33:29

he said one is old school friend and other collegue.

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:34:41

i just feel my trust has been broken. am i over reacting?

There is no way you're getting the full story so don't buy it.

Months of secrecy because 2 women TOLD him he couldn't tell you what was going on? Bullshit.

In a healthy relationship you don't have this level of secrecy.

RogueEmployee Tue 11-Dec-12 22:35:30

Yep he's cheating. Sorry.

FlojoHoHoHo Tue 11-Dec-12 22:36:16

YABU, sounds to me like he's cheating. Even if he isnt, his behaviour towards u is awful.

FestiveWench Tue 11-Dec-12 22:36:29

He is a lying arse.

Sorry sad

FlojoHoHoHo Tue 11-Dec-12 22:36:53

Sorry! YA N BU

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:37:29

he got upset when i said i wanted to know his phone passcode

squeakytoy Tue 11-Dec-12 22:37:56

He is talking bollocks. He IS cheating. I am sorry. sad

VBisme Tue 11-Dec-12 22:38:19

Sorry, I think he knows damn well he's in the wrong, which is why he deleted the texts.

I'm not sure I buy the story of two seperate women that he's helping out, it's more likely to be just one. I also doubt that anyone who was being helped innocently would ask anyone to keep something from a spouse.

I also think his attempt at secrecy is very lame, it's as if he wanted to get caught.

I'd have 2 options, either confront him and ask to speak to both these women, or keep your council and wait until he really drops himslef in it.

Oh and no, YADNBU.

Greensleeves Tue 11-Dec-12 22:38:49

God what a pathetic little turd he is. He's cheating. It always amazes me that anybody actually wants one of these men.

MikeLitorisHasChristmasLights Tue 11-Dec-12 22:38:51

My dad this to my mum and my ex did it to me.

Both cheating scum bags.

I would put money on him cheating. A normal man wouldnt keep secrets from his wife like that.

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:38:52

he doesn't think he has doen anything wrong. he said i have made his life miserable for a few years. all i have ever done is ask him to be a responsible reasonable adult and actually help with the kids and the housework

BridgetBidet Tue 11-Dec-12 22:39:17

I doubt very much the relationships are platonic. I think in this situation only a mug would take him at his word. Does he have any friends you can ask? I would be showing him the door if he won't let you look at his phone and his facebook.

LimeLeafLizard Tue 11-Dec-12 22:39:23

sounds a bit fishy to me. YANBU to be suspicious.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Tue 11-Dec-12 22:39:24

He's cheating on you.

And his story is bullshit.

BlackholesAndRevelations Tue 11-Dec-12 22:39:47

sad doesn't sound good. Whatever you do, don't fall for him getting upset and trying to turn this back on you.

VBisme Tue 11-Dec-12 22:39:54

Himself (sorry)

BlackholesAndRevelations Tue 11-Dec-12 22:41:07

Oh just seen more recent posts. Utter arse. You don't need him in your life. Sorry sad

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Tue 11-Dec-12 22:41:13

He's cheating. He resents being a responsible adult who does housework and childcare. I think you know what you need to do.

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:41:52

i asked him if he wanted to be married to me and if he did to stop all contact and he must be more present with us. he has always kept himself seperate from me and the kids even before this.

LimeLeafLizard Tue 11-Dec-12 22:42:36

Well before you break up your marriage - what is he normally like? Is he a supportive and loving partner to you? Do you love him? Do you have fun together and laugh? Does he help you through the tough times?

In other words, if this is a one off, you need to think carefully about how to handle this.

If he is usually an arse, might be time to take action.

Fairenuff Tue 11-Dec-12 22:42:52

Amy he is saying that to try and deflect attention away from the fact that he's cheating.

It's very unlikely that he is 'helping out' anyone. He is having an affair. The worst thing is that he doesn't even care that he's been caught red handed.

Decide now what you are prepared to put up with. Tell him straight and see how he reacts.

Greensleeves Tue 11-Dec-12 22:44:08

Don't beg him to spend more time with you and the kids. Don't meekly sit and wait for him to decide whether he wants to be with you or not. What do YOU want?

angry the lying arse

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:44:39

he says ive been emontionallyt unavailable to him. i say i've been too busy dealing with a broken bad and 3 kids. including one who got hitt by a car (SN) and another sn one who has been really ill.
hearts and flowers romance has not been on my to do list

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:45:11

broken back i mean (car accident)

Beaverfeaver Tue 11-Dec-12 22:45:17

The only time I can't look at DH's text messages/emails is in the run up to birthday or Xmas.

I have helped close male and female friends through difficult situations which have required an odd text at late hours, but no need for me to e secretive.
If I tell my DH that I am texting a friend in need and can't say what is happening with them he respects that and won't ask anymore.

However, if it was constantly and for months I don't think he would stay so reasonable.

He is playing you for a fool.

Greensleeves Tue 11-Dec-12 22:46:50

"emotionally unavailable" hahaha

priceless

I would hand him his balls in a little basket

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:47:13

i want a husband that wants to be with us and wants to help out with the housework so my back doesn't kill me. and for him to love us

squeakytoy Tue 11-Dec-12 22:47:28

he sounds an utter arsehole.. are they not HIS kids too? It sounds to me like he wants out, and is waiting for you to kick him out so that he can claim he "didnt leave"...

Personally i would say let him go..

Doinmummy Tue 11-Dec-12 22:47:29

Pathetic excuses at trying to cover up what is obviously an affair.

You poor thing. Do you think he'll have the balls to come clean ?

larks35 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:48:03

I think if he isn't fully cheating yet, he's on the road to it and doesn't seem too concerned about the effect on you. My advice, get his phone when you can without him knowing to confirm your fears and then kick him out.

He is showing such a lack of respect to you by entering into these confidential dramas with other women, if that is the truth which I doubt, and then not telling you what it is about. If I were to seek advice from a male friend about something then I would do it knowing full well he would speak to his other half about it. If I didn't want that, then I wouldn't speak to him.

Do you have a good relationship at this time? Have you sensed more than just this effing texting business?

HildaOgden Tue 11-Dec-12 22:48:15

Why are you with him?

I'm going to say my first 'leave the bastard'.

Honestly,you will be better off without a disloyal shitbag like that...what an idiot,texting under the sheets while you lie beside him???My God,could he be more of a twat.

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:48:16

the kids would be upset if he went at xmas

Beaverfeaver Tue 11-Dec-12 22:48:24

I should add: I wouldn't expect a male friend to be as supportive as a female friend in difficult situations, so would often think to ulterior motives if one was paying extra special attention

larks35 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:50:47

Shit sorry my post took too long to write so you've answered a lot since. He's a shit, kick him out but make sure he contributes financially and emotionally to you and your children.

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:51:15

i've always felt i'm doing all the hard work. he goes to the gym for 2 hours twice a week and does every fri night helping at a club. i work and do all the kids stuff and housework except the bins, the dishwasher and clean the bathrooms. i asked him to do the bathrooms each weel but often i have to do it as he leaves it for 3 weeks and you can't not clean loos or baths.

ENormaSnob Tue 11-Dec-12 22:51:31

Deffo cheating.

Grab your self respect and get rid.

Good luck, you deserve better.

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:52:11

i do love him, would be easier if i didn't.

Viviennemary Tue 11-Dec-12 22:52:18

I'm afraid I wouldn't automatically believe his story either. He sounds very secretive. I don't think texting somebody is cheating but it is totally out of order that it should be kept such a great secret with all this hiding his phone under the covers. No wonder you're annoyed.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Tue 11-Dec-12 22:52:20

I have been very supportive to one particular male friend, who DH refers to as my boyfriend jokingly. We discussed the fact that I went through stages of messaging him a lot. I said to DH that if he wanted to see the messages, that was absolutely fine, I would ask the friend and tell him that I needed to reassure DH. I did not run to the toilet and delete them.

What does your H do for you?

FBworry Tue 11-Dec-12 22:53:00

Suspending disbelief he is the knight in shining armour to these two poor damsels in distress, its still shitty to thing to make you feel excluded, upset and neglected anyway.

Your his wife, you come first.

3ForMe Tue 11-Dec-12 22:53:08

I think you need to do some more digging then confront him with what you know.

I agree it sounds as though he's up to no good. And he won't come clean as. It's 'damage limitation' time.

Have you got a computer you can check through? Check the browsing history, email accounts if possible, phone records?

Can you take the SIM card out of his phone and put it in yours to see if you can find anything?

You shouldn't have to do these things, but if you want to know what's going on and he won't tell you, it's the only way.

And whatever happens-its mot your fault. Good luck op

HildaOgden Tue 11-Dec-12 22:53:40

Stop focussing on what housework he isn't doing.....he is cheating on you.That is what is breaking up this marriage,not housework .

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:53:41

been married 12 years

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:54:55

thanks i can live with not helping in the house, can't live with him cheating, even if he says it is not.

EasilyBored Tue 11-Dec-12 22:56:39

I've never said this before but: Leave. That. Bastard.

He's sounds like a total catch [shmm], take stock of the whole relationship, is it really worth the effort you are putting in, when you compare it what you are actually getting from him?

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:57:00

i was worried that i was over reacting and he was right. thank you for your support.

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:58:56

the kids overheard us shouting on sunday and got the idea i thought he had a girlfriend, and said she must be blind! from the mouth of babes!

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:59:38

sent them to my mums asap after that so we could sort it

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Tue 11-Dec-12 23:09:33

Forget what he wants/feels. What do you want? Would your life be easier or more difficult, happier or sadder without him?

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 23:18:05

My life would be harder without him but I'm not really happy atm

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 23:19:34

I'm not sure how I would pay the bills either as I make minimum wage and can't work anymore due to broken back pain

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 23:20:44

And I can't take much more stress. I am feeling quite anxious already and keep having anxiety

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 23:22:04

He says he won't do it again, and that he hasn't been unfaithful. Do I believe him?

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 23:23:05

I've spoken to my mum about it and she doesn't believe his story

3ForMe Tue 11-Dec-12 23:24:50

Can you get his SIM card?

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 23:25:18

He has been a lazy husband around the house but he hasn't come home drunk. He did punch me once but he apologised and has not done it again. We don't really argue only about him not helping outta home.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Tue 11-Dec-12 23:25:51

I don't believe him either. But that isn't what's important, do you believe him?

FBworry Tue 11-Dec-12 23:26:01

Amy

Please try and stay calm.

You do not have to make any decisions right now. I wouldn't advise it either you are in shock.

I think you need to lay all your cards out on the table about everything when your ready - the texts, the housework and you are on the verge of leaving and see what he says.

Even if you decide to leave you don't have to obviously go on the spot. You can make plans to leave and go when it suits you.

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 23:26:26

I've made him tell me his passcode but I don't want to look. If I have to look surely the marriage is over

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Tue 11-Dec-12 23:26:59

x-posted with you. I think you need to start a thread in the Relationships section and get the advice of the wonderful people there. Do you mind if I report your thread and MN can move it.

The violence, cheating, lack of support make me really worried for you.

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 23:27:52

I want to believe him, I would never have thought he would ever cheat on me

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 23:28:44

Ok x

FBworry Tue 11-Dec-12 23:31:05

I didn't see the post about punching. Amy I think he is making you unwell with this anxiety. Its not fair on you anymore.

Its late,maybe get some sleep and take things one step at a time tomorrow.

Personally I would want to look at the phone, but if its too much then decide later if you want to look (but I would be worried he might delete things )

((Hugs))

Redorwhitejusthaveboth Tue 11-Dec-12 23:31:46

I lived with a compulsive liar for 6 years- his phone became like a weapon- he kept it with him...locked ...all the time... If I ever managed to read any texts or get into his emails I would find out the most horrendous things- lie upon lie...I'm not sure cheating ever came into it- but what I couldn't live with was the lies and mistrust about every word he said. It is a very very sad and stressful way to live - start looking into how you will cope alone and give yourself the freedom to not live a life based around lies otherwise you will slowly go mad

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Tue 11-Dec-12 23:32:16

I've reported so MNHQ may move it to relationships section. Don't panic if you can't find the thread!

I know you want to believe him. It's natural. The issue for me is that even if he hasn't cheated, he has been lying, hiding things. And, once is too many times to hit someone. sad

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 23:32:30

He has already deleted all texts

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Tue 11-Dec-12 23:33:25

Can you think of an innocent reason for that?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 11-Dec-12 23:34:17

amy, you are being emotionally and physically abused, love

you deserve better than this

why don't you give Women's Aid a ring and see what they say...there is no harm in chatting with a professional and they won't try and force you to do smoething you are not ready for x

this man is not good enough for you...you deserve better than him and your children deserve better examples of how a loving relationship should work

0808 2000 247

Redorwhitejusthaveboth Tue 11-Dec-12 23:34:18

Just seen the punching bit- it all fits... He disregards you which he shows by not only keeping secrets from you - he then tries to make out he is right and you are nuts ( gaslighting) and that will escalate as he stops seeing you as a person who deserves respect

PickledInAPearTree Tue 11-Dec-12 23:34:51

What an awful prick texting under the sheets and when he thinks your sleeping.

It's totally utterly wrong and unacceptable.

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 23:35:51

He did do it in a mist of a heated argue ment and apologised immediately. He seemed as shocked as me. Hasn't happened again and this was last new year

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 11-Dec-12 23:37:06

once is too many times

I expect you have changed your behaviour after that, haven't you ?

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 23:38:08

Thank you for the number, I think i need professional help. How do you get counsilling?

3ForMe Tue 11-Dec-12 23:38:20

If its two innocent 'friends' I would be asking to meet them. Just so I know who they are-to put your mind at rest.

And I would take his phone until I found out everything I could. He clearly isn't going to tell you anything. And you can't make a decision about the rest of your life if you don't know the facts.

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 23:40:29

So no-one believes his story that it was all innocent then? Am I a sucker to want to believe it?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 11-Dec-12 23:41:20

For counselling see your GP and/or ask Women's Aid about The Freedom Programme in your area.

You sound lovely, and he sounds like a shit of the highest order x

Also, contact your benefits office/Citizens Advice Bureau to ask about financial help for you to manage should you split

knowledge is power sweetheart, so start your education tomorrow but don't tell him a thing as I am fearful he will get nasty

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 23:41:23

I want to rewind time and go back to the loving boyfriend I had before I married him

BluelightsAndSirens Tue 11-Dec-12 23:41:44

You both sound unhappy to me, can you get some time togeather to have a really good talk about where and what you both feel?

He may be cheating, he may not be but you really sound like there is no communication at home.

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 23:42:06

Got to go he is coming thanks everyone x

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Tue 11-Dec-12 23:43:02

Night, flower. Take care of yourself.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 11-Dec-12 23:43:09

you want to believe his lies, because you love him

does his behaviour make him trustworthy, do you think ?

loving someone who disrespects you is only going to bring heartbreak, so time to get real sad

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 11-Dec-12 23:44:28

we will be here if you want to talk again

PickledInAPearTree Tue 11-Dec-12 23:51:23

Yes look after yourself. Don't doubt yourself, you are right here.

isawginhagnickingsantasbooze Tue 11-Dec-12 23:51:58

As AF said, once is too many times. Please look after yourself. There will always be someone here to talk to - but you are the only one that can make the decision...and you are worth looking after mate. You are.

FolkElf Wed 12-Dec-12 00:27:56

Yeah, he's having an affair. I was also 'emotionally unavailable'. He didn't use those exact words, but that's pretty much what he meant. It's how he justified cheating on me.

The "I'm supporting someone at work through some personal problems" is the line my dad used on my mum when he was having an affair.

Your husband is lying to you. I'm so sorry. There seems to be a lot of it about at the moment sad

FolkElf Wed 12-Dec-12 00:29:50

And I wanted to believe all the shit he was saying too. It's normal. It's so hard to get your head around the new reality that you'll believe just about anything to begin with.

I'm only 5 weeks down the line and i already feel better and stronger.

I got lots of great support on MN so keep posting thanks

amy175 Wed 12-Dec-12 07:17:50

Thanks everyone x

jojane Wed 12-Dec-12 07:32:42

Me and my husband are always telling each other other people's secrets. We know that each other wouldn't mention it to anyone else.

Purple2012 Wed 12-Dec-12 07:45:12

You are not a sucker for wanting to believe him, it's normal. You love him, of course you don't want your marriage to break up. But it does sound like he is cheating on you.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Wed 12-Dec-12 08:51:39

He may have been a nice boyfriend, but he is a violent, lazy cheat of a husband.

IceTheChristmasKateMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 12-Dec-12 15:51:21

Lo everyone,

We're moving this to relationships in a mo.

And then she finds out he was buying her a great Christmas present!

amy175 Wed 12-Dec-12 16:23:12

not much chance of that, i have to buy my own and often wrap them too sad

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Wed 12-Dec-12 16:32:51

Oh, Amy try to be nicer to yourself. The thread has moved to Relationships. There are really clever and knowledgeable people who post here so I'm hoping you can at least find out what to do if you do decide you've had enough.

JustinBoobie Wed 12-Dec-12 17:10:39

He Is A Liar.

So sorry OP. There is no way a married man should be acting like that.

Cunt.

I hope you get this sorted, don't put up with any shit. All things transparent - you should know all his passwords, not to check up on him; but so that trust can be maintained after he's abused it so badly.

GRRRRR

amy175 Wed 12-Dec-12 17:26:34

problem is he doesnt think he has done wrong

Doha Wed 12-Dec-12 17:30:23

No he knows full well what he has done is wrong BUT he is hoping that by "playing" innocent you will believe him.

He is trying to manipulate you into you feeling guilty about what you are feeling and thinking about him.

Bottom line is he is STILL a liar

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 12-Dec-12 17:35:26

amy, love, it doesn't matter whether he admits he is in the wrong

if you think it is wrong for you (and I would agree with you) then it is wrong, and you do not have to tolerate it

he sounds horrible, your situation sounds grim and I wonder what it is you get out of this relationship

amy175 Wed 12-Dec-12 17:35:51

i want to keep together as i love him but not sure he does. i have my suspicions that he is just waiting out xmas then will go.

i cant live with him cheating though and lying

amy175 Wed 12-Dec-12 17:37:29

the relantionship was good and i was happy, sn kids and pressure seems to have hurt things

amy175 Wed 12-Dec-12 17:38:03

until he sees it is wrong then he wont change

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 12-Dec-12 17:39:00

No, he has hurt things by disrespecting you

Yes, all relationships have stress and pressure. Only faithless cheaters deal with that by cheating on their partner.

amy175 Wed 12-Dec-12 17:40:08

am going to put my details in to a benefit calculator to see if i can get some top up benefits. not sure but i only earn about £5000 a year and that wont pay the mortgage. if i'm on my own do i have to sell the house and move?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 12-Dec-12 17:40:25

Yes love, he won't change. Is this how you want to live ? Accept how he treats you, with no consequences for him ? For your children to learn this is how a man shows someone that he loves them ?

amy175 Wed 12-Dec-12 17:40:55

can he make me?

amy175 Wed 12-Dec-12 17:41:42

its a big change as i have been married for 12 years and togther much longer

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 12-Dec-12 17:41:47

You need professional help with the financial side. Could you go to a Citizen's Advice Bureau and get some advice specific to your situation ?

amy175 Wed 12-Dec-12 17:43:42

is that the best place to go ?

Doha Wed 12-Dec-12 17:43:56

you will get benefits, tax credits, help with child care etc
he will have to pay for his DCs upkeep via CSA if needed.

You can "afford" to live without him. I don't think emotionally you can "afford" to live with him given his current behaviour and attitude

amy175 Wed 12-Dec-12 17:44:11

will have to google to see if there is one

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 12-Dec-12 17:48:15

it is the best place to start, love

give them a call and see what they suggest

you can look some of it up online, but I am not the best person to advise on that

does anyone have olgaga's brilliant list of practical pointers and websites* ??

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Wed 12-Dec-12 18:11:50

I was just going to mention olgaga's list. I'll try to search it.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Wed 12-Dec-12 18:17:11

Apols to olgaga for stealing her list.

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce – Advice and Links

General

Read everything you can get your hands on. Get familiar with the language of family law and procedure and try to get an understanding of your rights BEFORE you see a solicitor. Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don’t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation – there’s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

If there are children involved, their interests will always come first. It is the children’s right to maintain a meaningful relationship with the non-resident parent (NRP) – not the other way around. Children are not possessions to be “fairly” divided between separating parents. Parents have no rights, only responsibilities. A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (“Statement of Arrangements for Children”). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order (“Residence and Contact” regarding children, “Financial Order” or “Ancillary Relief” in the case of Finance)

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don’t just stick with the first lawyer you find – shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you’re happy with.

If you can’t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law. You can search by area here:

www.resolution.org.uk/

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients – Google solicitors to see if any recommendations or feedback exists.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation.

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question. If you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:

www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

static.advicenow.org.uk/files/benefits-and-livingtogether-2010-11-1161.pdf

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights are further explained here:

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read – there are others of course:

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you can, and take copies. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements – savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

Handy tax credits calculator:

taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

Further advice and support

www.maypole.org.uk/

www.womensaid.org.uk/

www.gingerbread.org.uk/

england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships
(Re Shelter, if you are not in England follow the link at the top)

Hope this helps.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Wed 12-Dec-12 18:20:13

Actually, the thread I found it on click here is great and has a lot of information from loads of good posters.

I'm not saying you have to kick him out this instant, amy but there is power in knowing you have a plan if you need one, that you aren't totally dependent on this relationship.

Good luck.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 12-Dec-12 19:18:20

MrsTerrys, that is brilliant, thanks a lot

stuffitunderthebed Wed 12-Dec-12 20:01:23

Listen to MrsTerrys, AF and Doha - some great advice being given here. I agree with all the others - there is no innocent explanation here Amy. Sorry to sound so negative. He is cheating and he is taking you for a fool. I have been 'hoodwinked' by a weak and faithless partner in the past. I know you don't want to - but you need to address this head on. Get all the advice you can. Tell your partner categorically that the only one off chance he has of saving this relationship is to tell you the whole truth. If he continues to lie and try to palm you off with bullshit then end it... If he comes clean, orders copy phone bills and allows you to recover deleted texts (is it an i-phone?) Then consider all the 'evidence' and decide if you can live with it. Good luck OP

amy175 Wed 12-Dec-12 22:07:50

thank you i'm thinking of all options and information is helpful

amy175 Wed 12-Dec-12 22:30:38

i cant do anything before xmas, would be too much for me to deal with. both sets of inlaws are coming for dinner. i may make a family law free half hour appointment and talk my options through

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 12-Dec-12 22:35:21

that is a good idea

don't let things drift after xmas though

make this the last xmas you have to put up with his horrible treatment

amy175 Wed 12-Dec-12 23:02:37

have just found a local family law that does free first interviews, will call tomorrow. need to get it straight in my mind what i can do.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 12-Dec-12 23:11:24

really good plan x

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Wed 12-Dec-12 23:22:52

Good for you amy. At the very least you will know what you are looking at.

amy175 Wed 12-Dec-12 23:37:04

I'm so anxious about it all I feel sick inside. Trying to do normal things is so hard. He was texting on the sofa while I was on the room earlier and he got upset when I said stop it and asked he who it was. He said was I going to stop him having any friends

amy175 Wed 12-Dec-12 23:40:48

It's hard to keep normality up. I feel hollow

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 12-Dec-12 23:41:19

Do you think you can carry on putting a brave face on over xmas ?

there is nothing stopping you cancelling the xmas dinner with your/his parents and saying "no more"

it's just another day

another day of his shit

FolkElf Wed 12-Dec-12 23:49:57

Amy love, I was where you are 5 weeks ago (wow, 5 weeks, is that all? It feels like a lifetime).

The shit that has come out since he has gone is mind boggling! His deception and lies extend so much further than I could ever have imagined.

I discovered he had joined an online dating agency. I've since discovered he has been having an affair with a married woman at work whose husband has walked out on her and he is on the verge of being in serious trouble at work.

The important thing i want you to take from this is that I could have believed him a hundred times over, I wanted to believe him! He's made it all into me, he's painting me out to be an emotionally abusive partner, he's rewritten our entire relationship to suit his own ends. He's been insulted, denied, looked me in the eye and made promises and every single thing I've suspected/discovered/queried has turned out to be true.

he's really struggling at the moment. he's alienated his family, his friends and work are none too pleased with his conduct there. The children don't want to know.

Me? Well I'm skint, but I'm happy smile

Or at least, I'm not as unhappy as him! He might have found a new person to be "nice and kind" to him, but he's fast learning that he doesn't live in a disney film, he lives in the real world and the real world expects better of him.

amy175 Thu 13-Dec-12 12:07:22

I've told my friend what has happened and she is supporting me which has made me feel a bit better.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 13-Dec-12 12:59:26

It's a great move to get some support in RL

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Thu 13-Dec-12 13:58:48

Great amy, good luck.

amy175 Thu 13-Dec-12 17:17:30

Thanks x

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 14-Dec-12 18:01:28

how you doing, amy ?

amy175 Fri 14-Dec-12 22:39:53

im coping, getting support from family and friends thanks for asking x

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 14-Dec-12 22:51:58

x

amy175 Mon 17-Dec-12 14:26:07

UPDATE - yep hes been cheating, or at least trying to. He had feelings for this other woman but when he told her she said no. So the intent was there. He said he soon realised it was me he loved and stopped trying to get with her. It has taken me over a week to get to this truth. I'm devestated and shattered and my trust has been torn into small pieces along with my heart.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Mon 17-Dec-12 14:33:32

amy I'm so sorry. I'm sorry it happened and I'm so sorry he lied to you. Are you getting some RL support?

CinnabarRed Mon 17-Dec-12 15:27:32

((((Amy))))

QueenieLovesEels Mon 17-Dec-12 16:11:55

Rotter.

You are not going to be is fallback option/second best are you?

Show him the door.

Doha Mon 17-Dec-12 17:06:01

Never settle for being someones fallback option. He will soon be on the lookout for someone else.

Time or him to sling his hook

amy175 Mon 17-Dec-12 17:33:37

i'm trying to make it work over Xmas

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Mon 17-Dec-12 17:40:08

Did you go to your Family Law session? Have you had a look at the benefits calculator and all those links?

Does i'm trying to make it work over Xmas mean that you are ready to end the relationship after Christmas? What is he saying? Is he even really sorry and remorseful?

I feel like I'm asking a lot of questions, feel free to ignore me. Look after yourself.

Doha Mon 17-Dec-12 17:45:17

He says he won't do it again, and that he hasn't been unfaithful. Do I believe him?

He did punch me once but he apologised and has not done it again.

i cant live with him cheating though and lying

Just a few of your past posts Amy.l hope you really try to make a new life for yourself away from this man.
You had to drag the truth out of him, he would have lied through his teeth if you hadn't been persistant in questioning him.

Time for you to sort your future out--just watch he doesn't pull you back over xmas in with his promises to reform his ways coz it wont happen

amy175 Mon 17-Dec-12 18:51:42

my appointment is in Jan. I want it to work but am struggling to see how it can. he still says he hasn't been unfaithful. but he is sorry

i feel so shit

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Mon 17-Dec-12 19:16:02

he still says he hasn't been unfaithful because the other women didn't want to. As far as I am concerned, the fact that he wanted to is enough. He was unfaithful in everything except the deed. Do you think he would sleep with her now if she asked him too? Or someone else if the opportunity arises?

Also, he doesn't help you enough, he has hit you, he lies and hides things. Perhaps the other woman saw him for what he is. I'm rooting for you to get rid, get happy and move on. If you do decide to stay, please make sure that he at least has some boundaries, agrees to more housework and does it, gives you access to all passwords and codes, agrees he has done wrong and that you are allowed to not trust him.

Foolagain Mon 17-Dec-12 21:43:59

he's a liar. admitting to the least he can get away with.what a shit...

amy175 Mon 17-Dec-12 22:41:04

he is getting angry and upset and refusing to leave when i asked him to tonight. he says he wants it to work and wont go.
I am not sure i want to try again, he seems to want to blame me for not being there for him (even though i have broken my back in a horrid accident and spent loads of time in hospital, had a child run over and had another very poorly) over the last year. so this is the reason he did what he did. so my fault. Its my fault that he cant keep it in his pants

amy175 Mon 17-Dec-12 22:43:32

and he wasn't there for me when i was in hopsital, he rarely visited but had time for the gym etc. and when i came out in a back brace i had to do all the housework staright away, even the day i came out which was way too early but i discharged myself as my kids needed me. should have been in for much longer.

amy175 Mon 17-Dec-12 22:44:15

by not going he is forcing me to stay with him

amy175 Mon 17-Dec-12 22:46:32

and now i'm turning into an alcoholic, i'm on my second glass now.

deste Mon 17-Dec-12 22:46:38

I think your last post would be the deal breaker for me without the rest of it. He is not showing you any respect whatsoever.

amy175 Mon 17-Dec-12 22:48:30

he is refusing to go. i can't leave as our house is done for our disabled daughter

amy175 Mon 17-Dec-12 22:49:30

i dont think he wants to tell his family or friends

amy175 Mon 17-Dec-12 22:55:19

i think he has found this thread

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Mon 17-Dec-12 22:57:37

Are you safe, amy. Can you call someone? I'm really worried about you.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Mon 17-Dec-12 23:00:43

I was going to say, before the bit about him not leaving sad that his refusal to acknowledge that he has done anything wrong and blaming you has to be the last straw. At least if he was begging forgiveness, blaming himself, saying he was going to change, suggesting counselling, you would have something to work with.

He just want you to deal with the DC, do the housework and shut the fuck up. He just wants to do whatever he wants. Please get yourself some advice.

HildaOgden Mon 17-Dec-12 23:01:29

Amy,are you ok?Phone someone in RL straight away...a friend or family member...and let them know NOW what's happening.

Doha Mon 17-Dec-12 23:02:55

He is a twat--why do you think he has found this thread...

But anyway

hello Mr any175. I hope you have had time to read and digest all that has been written here. you truely are an apology for a man. You are a liar and a cheat who does not deserve to have a wife and family.
I hope Amy gathers some support and gets the strength to throw you out as soon as possible. She might want to get herself an STI check cause l am sure you have not been faithful to her.
She deseves someone so much better than you--you deserve nowt

amy175 Mon 17-Dec-12 23:16:34

i'm ok he wont hurt me, im not scared of him, that was a one off

amy175 Mon 17-Dec-12 23:17:52

i thought he had as he used a phrase i had written on here, but he hasnt said anything else

amy175 Mon 17-Dec-12 23:19:04

hes being apolgetic now taking about getting me something nice for xmas

amy175 Mon 17-Dec-12 23:24:36

maybe evven wrap it himself this time!

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Mon 17-Dec-12 23:55:15

Don't scare us like that, amy.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 18-Dec-12 00:01:43

amy please don't stay with a man like this

he hates you, he doesn't love you

you are just a mug for him to come back to when his approaches to OW fall on deaf ears

that woman you don't even know saw through him, you can too, and even though you know what he is like you would still let him stay ??

see a solicitor love, if your house has been adapted for your dd's disability, he can be made to leave if your relationship has broken down

it will be hard, but it is doable

tbh though love, if all you can manage to do is get pissed and carry on listening to his crap....you will still be this unhappy and broken this time next year sad

amy175 Tue 18-Dec-12 12:59:23

That's what I'm afraid of still feeling this crap for the next fifty years.

amy175 Tue 18-Dec-12 13:00:06

I want to be happy, for me and my kids.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 18-Dec-12 14:23:29

Then you know what you must start working towards, love

Get some professional advice and take it from there x

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Tue 18-Dec-12 14:53:17

amy there's a thread in Chat right now, here, that might be worth a read. It's light and fun but lots of us have posted about how we feel after having left the bastard. Have a read and think about what you want to feel like in one, two, five years.

gimmecakeandcandy Wed 26-Dec-12 20:30:21

Update op?

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