Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is my boyfriend tight?

(313 Posts)
pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 12:39:48

Firstly, apologies for the long message!

I?ve been dating with my boyfriend for two months. The first date was in a fairly expensive restaurant (he invited me out and booked the table). Despite the fact that the venue was my choice I was actually expecting to stay in the bar area as I?m struggling financially. He ordered a drink, one of the mains (£18), I ordered a starter only (£6.50) and we shared a bottle of wine of which he had more than half. At the end of the evening he asked what we should do with the bill. I offered - just to be polite - that we split it in half; however I was expecting him to pay a bit more as he had the lion?s share. But he gladly agreed and I ended up paying half of the £52 bill. Fair enough, he paid for the wine at a pub the following weekend (£10), so I thought it was actually fine. Only recently I have started thinking about the old saying ?mean with money, mean with love??Maybe I have watched too many Hollywood romcoms, but shouldn?t it be the case of a man making an effort when he?s dating a woman?!

We spend around 3 days/evenings a week together and he always stays at mine. I do the grocery shopping, spend time cooking and generally put quite a lot of effort into pleasing him. We have gone out for breakfast twice (local caff the first time and a bit more upmarket café the second time) and he has paid for it, but on both occasions he kept on complaining how expensive it is to eat out. We once went grocery shopping together for which he paid (£12). He has also paid for a takeaway twice: pizza and Chinese. When I go shopping I always try to buy healthy nutritious food, because this is what I am used to and I genuinely love cooking. I usually make my meals from scratch: casseroles and stews, steak and salad, roast chicken and potatoes, soups. I don?t eat crisps or £1 frozen pies. Yes, I sometimes have a cheeky takeaway pizza and chips, but it doesn?t happen often.

He never brings any food or anything else with him, except for the last weekend when he decided to bring some of his own items, after saying that ?you never have any food at home?. So he brought a pack of frozen waffles, a frozen pie (the kind of products you can get from Iceland for £1) and a tin of baked beans. However, in the evening after realising my food was so much better (chicken fajitas and green salad), he decided not to eat his but indulge in mine. I don?t always have the items in the fridge that he would like (for full English), but I have always made him coffee & toast, omelette or a bacon sandwich. Except for the two breakfasts mentioned earlier and a couple of times when he has woken up before me and gone to eat in a local caff. So I think it is unfair to say that I never have any food at home. What about all the dinners I have prepared for him?

As a side note, I am a secretary on a 23k salary (plus stuck in a dead end job) and he is a financial analyst in the City. Not sure how much he is earning, but perhaps around 50-60k?!

I feel that he is not making much effort and is generally a tight person. Am I unfair?

LookBehindYou Mon 10-Dec-12 12:44:17

He might just have no idea. Next time he suggests something you can't afford, say so. If he's staying at yours tell him he needs to chip in.
Is there any possibility he doesn't want expensive items showing up on his bank statements?

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 10-Dec-12 12:48:26

No you're not being unfair. He's not making any effort if he's constantly round your place and not contributing. (Why do you never stay at his??) He's not only a freeloader he's got a bloody cheek critiquing your cupboard contents when you've only known him a few weeks! I'd dump him for the frozen pies alone...

snowtunesgirl Mon 10-Dec-12 12:50:57

Yes he's taking the piss slightly but I think that you haven't been upfront and honest either.

Don't offer to go Dutch if you can't afford it and then expect him to somehow know that you wanted him to pay. FWIW, I don't believe that the guy should just pay and I think it's quite a sexist and out of date attitude.

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 12:51:13

I'm not really sure whether he's worried about his bank statements. I know that his monthly outgoings are rather high and I'm not suggesting he should take me out to expensive places. But he should really chip in more as we're always staying at my place.

Maybe I'm just annoyed that he has such awful eating habits...

snowtunesgirl Mon 10-Dec-12 12:55:06

Then you need to set out some ground rules. When DH and I first got together, he was round at mine a lot and eating a lot of my food so he just gave me money towards the food.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 10-Dec-12 12:55:12

Are you sure he's a financial analyst? Have you ever been to his place or stayed over there? Usually when a man says 'I'll bring supper' IME it's steak, salad, wine and possibly an M&S pud to round it all off with.... not a tin of effing beans.

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 12:56:37

We're not staying at his place, because he hates his flatmate's girlfriend.

APMF Mon 10-Dec-12 12:59:27

He doesn't seem to be making much of an effort but another way of looking at it is that he feels at ease with you and doesn't see a need to keep track of who spends the most.

As for being tight, I say no. Ok, he isn't the most generous boyfriend around, considering how much he earns (no romantic countryside breaks?) but hardly tight.

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 13:04:13

I have seen his CV (well, one of the many versions) and it says that he is a financial analyst. Never been to his place as he doesn't like staying at his. I live in a shared household too, but have lovely flatmates and our house is really comfy. There might be various reasons why he prefers staying at my place instead - nearer to the city, comfort, great flatmates.

A tin of beans is not exactly my idea of dinner.

snowtunesgirl Mon 10-Dec-12 13:08:29

I am foodie OP and a tin of beans isn't my idea of dinner but over the years I have found that to a lot of people, it really is! hmm

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 10-Dec-12 13:08:49

You've never been to his place? He's tight, has poor taste in food and he is using your home as a very cheap hotel, three nights a week. What on earth are these 'expensive outgoings' because the money sure as hell isn't being spent on you.

caramelwaffle Mon 10-Dec-12 13:15:22

It seems as if it is very comfortable at your house. And you earn less than half than he does...

FergusSingsTheBlues Mon 10-Dec-12 13:16:09

Hes on more than 50k if hes an FA in the city unless he's junior. It sounds like studenty tightness, apologies and commiserations if he's older as he should know better!

gettingeasier Mon 10-Dec-12 13:16:52

If I ever get back into men or dating the first thing I shall say is "Oh no I cant cook to save my life".

No way would I slaving away putting the effort in for someone who doesnt pitch up with a nice bottle of wine or be fulsome with praise for my meals.

YANBU and yes he sounds like , amongst other things, he is tight

This does sound a bit weird. If he's making 50-60K, why does he even have a flatmate? And if he does, why are his outgoings so high?

It's not totally about the money, is it, it's about generosity and being on the same page.

I do think it's a bit outdated and sexist to expect a man to pay for everything on a first date. But it's not odd to expect something nice if you are always cooking nice dinners for him.

Why did you see his CV?

SuperChristmasScrimper Mon 10-Dec-12 13:19:50

You sound shockingly money focused to me. You remember every single penny spent and every single meal in 2 months?! That's a little creepy.

perceptionInaPearTree Mon 10-Dec-12 13:20:39

He should pay for you if he takes you out for a meal, especially when he ought to be trying to make a good impression. I agree it sounds like student behaviour!

MuffinPaws Mon 10-Dec-12 13:20:47

He sounds tighter than two coats of paint and very hard work.

Leave the bastard.

caramelwaffle Mon 10-Dec-12 13:24:03

It does not matter if a person earns £10 000 a year or £1000 000 a year - tight is unattractive.

Frugal - if you are a couple and working towards a joint goal i.e. paying a mortgage/fees/for an operation - is a good thing.

When you are in a relationship and there is one half who is tight with money, it causes problems (there also tends to be a give/take dynamic with the tight person also being the taker in the relationship - as evidenced by the examples you have given above)

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 13:24:32

He definitely has poor taste in food and it annoys me.

His outgoings: rent (less than my £550), mortgage and car. He does get money from his tenants though, so I thought it should cover the mortgage, but apparently not. I suppose it costs quite a lot to manage a property.

Oh I completely forgot to mention the following. He also leaves his clothes for me to wash. I think he should chip in more if he expects me to be a 50's housewife: cooking, cleaning and washing his clothes too.

caramelwaffle Mon 10-Dec-12 13:27:51

His clothes? After eight weeks?

He's a charmer alright.

By the way; what would happen if you were to go to his place for a change?

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Mon 10-Dec-12 13:27:55

Mortgage?

He "hates his flatmates girlfriend"?

You have never been to his house?

Are you sure this "flatmates girlfriend" is not his or even a wife?

caramelwaffle Mon 10-Dec-12 13:28:25

X post with Quint

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 13:31:18

I've never been told that I'm money focused - maybe I am. But I had to spend quite a lot of time to remember what we have spent over the past two months. I only added these details to explain the situation better. And the reason I know the exact amount is that I looked up the prices on the restaurant website before posting this. Plus I have a very good memory and tend to remember trivial details. But so does he. He sent me a text a couple of weeks ago if I had found his £2.50 that had fallen out of his pocket in my bedroom.

caramelwaffle Mon 10-Dec-12 13:32:48

That is something an ex if mine would have said.

Note the ex.

caramelwaffle Mon 10-Dec-12 13:33:47

Do you actually know where he lives? Works? His family? Friends?

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 13:34:20

That's a good point. Something's not right. I need to find out why he's never inviting me to his place.

Tamoo Mon 10-Dec-12 13:34:43

Why are you washing his clothes??

Viviennemary Mon 10-Dec-12 13:35:51

He certainly is not what you would call generous. But you seem a bit obsessed with the price of things. It sounds like there are faults on both sides. I'd be insisting on going to his place to see how the land lies there.

Beamur Mon 10-Dec-12 13:36:09

He's expecting you to do his washing....
Run like the wind.
Or set out your boundaries now. Do you want to be a 50's housewife?!!?

perceptionInaPearTree Mon 10-Dec-12 13:36:57

'He sent me a text a couple of weeks ago if I had found his £2.50 that had fallen out of his pocket in my bedroom.'

Really? How bizarre! Unless someone was absolutely broke I don't see a reasonable defense for that!! If I were you I would move on, definitely. People who are tight with money are such a bore.

QueenofNightmares Mon 10-Dec-12 13:36:59

Actually to be honest you sound tighter than him you remember all the costs of things spent out. Perhaps he's just more frugal than you and prefers different food he could well be living with a flatmate to save for his own place hence not spending a fortune on dates.

I also agree with Showtunes statement here "FWIW, I don't believe that the guy should just pay and I think it's quite a sexist and out of date attitude."

Teeb Mon 10-Dec-12 13:37:34

Something does seem fishy, are you certain he isn't in a relationship with someone else?

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 13:40:36

I know the postcode/area, but that's all. Haven't met any of his friends. I also know the company where he works. Well, he claims to be working there, but I cannot be entirely sure.

Maybe I wanted to be a good girlfriend, so have done all these things to please him.

LaQueen Mon 10-Dec-12 13:41:22

He certainly doesn't sound very open-handed to me - and I can't really think of a less attractive trait in a person.

Plus, if he is like this - likes to count every penny, eat cheapy food, eat in cheapy cafes... then he will never change. I can promise you that.

He sounds exactly like my ex...there was nothing I could really put my finger on, just a foreboding sense that I was always, always expected to pay slightly more than my fair share, and that there were a 101 tiny remarks/gestures which showed he wasn't a generous person.

I only realised how mean he'd been when I met DH, who was always open-handed (even as a poor student)

perceptionInaPearTree Mon 10-Dec-12 13:41:23

I don't think the OP sounds tighter than him. You shouldn't expect the man to automatically pay but he is earning enough to make the effort and I would consider that if he didn't he probably didn't like me enough - he should have offered! He is not a student.

Notmadeofrib Mon 10-Dec-12 13:42:02

8 weeks in and basically you're asking: is he a keeper?

In short: No.

If it seems wrong so early on, it is wrong. Imagine 10 years down the track.. you'll wish you'd have kicked him to the kerb now.

If it ain't really right, stay single! !

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 13:43:42

Thank you for all your replies. I understand now I'm a bit weird too by remembering all these details. Will try to be less money focused.

Corygal Mon 10-Dec-12 13:44:17

He is tight - and you're being unjustly accused of being 'money focused' because you have noticed.

2.50? change on floor? chased by text? How romantic.

Meanness is a deal-breaker for a lot of people, including me.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Mon 10-Dec-12 13:44:42

So really, you know NOTHING about this man who spends three nights a week at your house, let you cook for him and do his washing, yet ask you to search for £2.50 in dropped coins?

You need to dig a little deeper...

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Mon 10-Dec-12 13:45:23

I dont think you are "money focused", but your alarm bells are clearly ringing, but you are as of yet unsure why!

caramelwaffle Mon 10-Dec-12 13:48:27

There is nothing with focusing on money. It does not make one weird, after all bills always need paying.

However, you know nothing of this man really. My advice to anyone in a similar situation to you is do not get deeply involved with someone unless you know the basics of their lives. Name. Address. Status. Work. Children etc.

He asks you to wash his clothes? After eight weeks??? shock

Bin.Him.Now.

OhWesternWind Mon 10-Dec-12 13:49:36

And just because he earns more, doesn't mean he has more disposable income. On paper I should be able to afford all sorts of holidays, meals out, weekends away etc etc but because of my circumstances I am counting pennies by the end of the month if not sooner. In mh case, this is due mainly to the financial fall-out from when a LTR broke up a couple of years ago, but it's easy to see that although someone "should" be able to flash the cash, in reality they can't.

Having been on the other side of the fence, I would one thousand times rather be with someone who's frugal/cautious than someone who spends their money like it was going out of fashion and end up with the bailiffs on the doorstep, CCJs and in danger of having the house repossessed. There are far worse things than being careful with money.

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 13:49:53

I agree with Notmadeofrib. Yes, this is exactly what I am asking myself. I know it's still early days, but I guess he's not going to change.

Please note that I am not expecting him to pay for everything, I only want things to be more equal. It's not really about the money (although it might sound as it is), it's about the effort.

As said in my previous post, I will need to take a harder look at myself and analyse my own behaviour and values.

MariaMandarin Mon 10-Dec-12 13:50:10

I think you know something isn't right. Reminds me of a situation a friend was in. It turned out he didn't own the house, didn't have the fantastic job he claimed to have and didn't have a car because he couldn't drive, among a ton of other flights of fancy. I suppose she was lucky that he was at least single.

Tamoo Mon 10-Dec-12 13:50:48

I'd be very surprised if someone earning 50-60K was living in a flat share, similarly if someone earning 50-60K felt the need to chase up £2.50 in loose change.

His reason for not inviting you over is strange too. Hating his flatmate's GF would be a valid reason not to go out on a double date, not to never invite you to his home.

SomethingProfound Mon 10-Dec-12 13:52:41

Ditch him after two months of dating you should be in the honeymoon, butterflies in the stomach stage! Not washing his clothes and stressing out that he is not paying his fair share.

Not meeting his friends, never going to his place are all massive red flags! Either he is hiding something or he doesn't see you as long term enough to bother bringing you into his life.

izzyizin Mon 10-Dec-12 13:52:49

You're accusing pippi of being 'shockingly money focused' with a name like yours, Scrimper? hmm

If a well-heeled beloved turned up with offerings from Iceland I'd not ony remember every meal I'd lovingly cooked for them, I'd also be counting every ice cube/tea bag they'd consumed in beverages.

This one sounds tighter than the proverbial gnat's arse, pippi, and I'd dump him for the frozen waffles alone as your culinary skills are obviously wasted on his non tastebuds.

Book a table for 2 in a fine dining establishment, eat lightly on the day so that you can do justice to 5 or more courses the meal, be sure to savour a selection of the most expensive wines, leave your purse at home, and give him the boot after you've left the restaurant or the following morning (if you fancy a little something by way of an extra dessert with your usual nightcap).

In view of his profession you'll have opportunity to use the immortal words 'analyze this' as you kiss him off grin

perceptionInaPearTree Mon 10-Dec-12 13:53:40

'There are far worse things than being careful with money.'

Yes, when you're being careful with what you spend on yourself. When you're tight with people you're supposed to make an effort with and show you care, it's simply selfish and mean.

ovenchips Mon 10-Dec-12 13:53:44

OP. Yes it would certainly seem so.

And all the other things you have mentioned don't exactly bathe him in glory either.

If we are supposed to be at our best/on our best behaviour in the early weeks of a relationship, I wouldn't like to hang around for the rest of it with him.

Whocansay Mon 10-Dec-12 13:53:56

On a practical note, call the switchboard where he works. They can then confirm if he actually works there and what his job title is.

Heleninahandcart Mon 10-Dec-12 13:54:46

Queen he earns twice as much, maybe OP has to count the pennies.

OP yes he is tight. More to the point he is treating your home like a serviced apartment with a by the hour kitchen and laundry, not to mention you to warm the bed up.

I have always made him coffee & toast, omelette or a bacon sandwich... Except for the two breakfasts mentioned earlier and a couple of times when he has woken up before me and gone to eat in a local caff This.

So when the kitchen is closed he prefers to go out and find a local cafe without you rather than go get some food in to cook you both breakfast. Of course he is criticising the contents of your fridge, he thinks he is in hotel and entitled to it except he would actually have to pay for that.

LookBehindYou Mon 10-Dec-12 13:55:18

Have you ever seen his home op?

NotADriveBy Mon 10-Dec-12 13:55:54

Completely agree with Notmadeofrib and LaQueen.

People don't change...so if you have different perspectives on money and generosity at this stage, you're almost guaranteed to have disagreements about money later on.

I reckon a certain generosity of time, money and spirit is a must-have in a life partner.

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 13:57:08

Thank you izzyizin, your post me me laugh out loud! smile

ClippedPhoenix Mon 10-Dec-12 13:58:40

My dear old mum used to always say tight with money tight with emotion. This would be a deal breaker for me.

Stop the cooking and washing for him right now.

Shoesme Mon 10-Dec-12 13:59:29

We men are simply creatures, if a woman suggests splitting the bill then that is what we will do. You knowing all about his income, spending etc would put me off big time. If you want to know something then just ask him.

Mollydoggerson Mon 10-Dec-12 13:59:51

He sounds a bit immature wrt money, but I would be way more worried by you not having met any of his friends or seen where he lives. This rings big alarm bells, why have you not met his friends?

Where did you meet him?

I have not read the whole thread but IME when a man doesn't want you to come back to his house, ever, that's a huge alarm bell

dawntigga Mon 10-Dec-12 14:02:22

The warning bells went off for me on 'he hates his flatmates gf'.

MoreToThisThanMeetsTheEyeTiggaxx

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 10-Dec-12 14:03:44

You're not overly money-focused OP. You're being taken advantage of in your effort to be 'a good girlfriend' and you're not asking the right questions about his background. Already he's got you trained to provide him with a home from home and meals cooked for him 3 days a week, plus a laundry service and sex... all for free and all in the space of two months. Says he earns a packet but talks and behaves like a poor man.

Wake up and smell the coffee. Something is very wrong with the whole story.

HughFearnlyShittingFuck Mon 10-Dec-12 14:04:12

dawn I can't help butting in to tell you to change your name to WhenAChildIsBawntigga

sorry blush

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 14:05:17

I have to stay I come from a family where we had enough money when I was a child and my dad always used to buy me little treats, so I would feel loved. Later in life, when I was a teenager, he also used to bring over plenty of good quality food whenever he was visiting (my parents are divorced). I suppose I'm looking for someone similar (generous).

No, he has never invited me to his place. Sounds suspicious. Strange I had never thought of this before...

janelikesjam Mon 10-Dec-12 14:05:30

He sounds horrible.

The £2.50 made me laugh, honestly, did you make that part up? Perhaps there's something wrong with him? Or else he's just a piggish and crass beyond belief. I am sorry you even made him a slice of toast.

I wouldn't even waste 5 pence or 10 seconds of my time on a "seeya" text.

Next!

Heleninahandcart Mon 10-Dec-12 14:05:31

For the avoidance of doubt, I would shrink his pants and bin him.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 10-Dec-12 14:06:44

Here's a thought. Why not just turn up at his place unannounced? You may be surprised at what you find there....

legoballoon Mon 10-Dec-12 14:07:25

Pippi, I wouldn't analyse your 'stinginess', but I'd analyse your own self-worth.

Here is a man who you've been seeing for 2 months, and you think you have to be a "good girlfriend" by preparing home cooked meals, doing his laundry, and putting out on his terms (as I guess he turns up at yours when it suits him?)

He is treating you like a doormat, and you're letting him.

Personally I would ditch him. If alarm bells are ringing this early on, he's not the one for you.

IMHO the idea that a man pays (because he's the 'provider') is outdated. But in any relationship where there is a discrepancy between incomes, you need to get your cards out on the table early on, and discuss how you're going to split costs, what sorts of activities are affordable etc. If you can't be honest financially, you can be storing up problems later on. I'm not talking 'full financial disclosure', but you need to talk more frankly about that aspect of your relationship too. I

t's crazy that we let people into our home, lives and beds, and yet find it difficult to talk about fairly fundamental topics. It's hard discussing stuff like that in the early stages of a relationship, sometimes you feel that it comes over as too 'intense' and or a bit premature, but you could still take some control along the lines of 'I'm cooking a curry tonight, can you bring the chicken breasts and some coconut milk' or whatever. Don't worry about 'losing' him - if he backs off because you start stipulating that he has to pull his weight, than good riddance...

moodychops Mon 10-Dec-12 14:07:59

I'm not sure that he's 'tight' as such. It sounds like you take much more of an initiative than him in the relationship when it comes to meals/cooking. Since you are the one putting in the effort by planning healthy meals, buying groceries etc, it works out that you end up spending more money.

You could try having a chat about dividing bills for groceries, but I can understand that might feel too soon after a couple of months

LadyClariceCannockMonty Mon 10-Dec-12 14:09:05

'he has woken up before me and gone to eat in a local caff.' shock shock

I'd expect even a one-night stand to wait for me to wake up before they left the house, let alone a boyfriend!

This alone is a huge no-no for me; he sounds like a tosser. Don't even get me started on the leaving you his washing thing.

rach6122 Mon 10-Dec-12 14:10:33

may be old fashioned but shouldnt a guy pay for everything on a first date, especially if he asked you/chose the place and if you are cooking he should definitely be paying at least half for groceries, either way you shouldnt be having to remember every little bit of money spent.

izzyizin Mon 10-Dec-12 14:11:24

I'd be wondering if he's living at home with his dm or living with an ow who believes he's a travelling financial analyst...

Where did you meet this booby prize? Was it an online encounter?

dawntigga Mon 10-Dec-12 14:13:35

HughFearnlyShittingFuck what a great seasonal name I'm off to change it now.

SorryAboutTheThreadHijackOpTiggaxx

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 14:15:28

Yes, it was an online encounter. He seemed such a normal and lovely guy at first. Despite the fact that I had to spend a way more on our first date. It didn't seem important to me at first. Only after I have been preparing all these dinners, I started thinking about it.

janelikesjam Mon 10-Dec-12 14:17:13

p.s. if you are "stuck in a dead-end job" OP, I really think it would be better for you to concentrate on yourself and what you would really like to do and go for that. This is a much better strategy for happiness and fulfilment than wasting your energy on idiots as above. Meanwhile cook for yourself, cook for friends etc, you sound like a good cook!

caramelwaffle Mon 10-Dec-12 14:19:56

Excellent advice from jane Concentrate on yourself for a little while.

I'd be ditching this online person sharpish along with raising your own relationship bar. He being tight and you washing his clothes after only two months in?!, the first 12 months are supposed to be the happiest and you are clearly unhappy.

Re this comment:-
"I have to stay I come from a family where we had enough money when I was a child and my dad always used to buy me little treats, so I would feel loved".

Sounds like your Dad was guilty for divorcing your mother and so tried to overcompensate (perhaps as you are doing now with this young man of yours). Think what you wanted more than anything else from your Dad was his actual TIME and showing effort, not just bloody treats that are short lived. Think also about what you learnt about relationships when growing up.

Re your dead end job any chance of changing it?.

cestlavielife Mon 10-Dec-12 14:41:31

"flatmates girlfriend"? and you take his word for it?
go on a recce.

so he has a place with a mortgag and has loders to pay the mortgage?

but he doesnt like one of them (or their partner) but wont ask them to leave?
none of it makes sense.

call his work and see if he works there or google him.

washing his clothes after two months?? washing his clothes fullstop. why why why ???? are you mad??

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 14:43:26

AttilaTheMeerkat,

You are absolutely right. I didn't care much about the treats, I only wanted my dad's actual time and effort.

Yes, I have been attending job interviews since July, but no luck yet. Will keep trying, I'm very stubborn. smile

LookBehindYou Mon 10-Dec-12 14:45:03

Pippi, I am not sure that he's that genuine. He's keeping you away from his home (but happy to come to yours) and not spending any money. These are warning signs to me that he could be in a relationship already.

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 14:45:11

I think I have been blind and have been trying to please him without getting much back.

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 14:46:20

I'm seeing all the warning signs now...

LookBehindYou Mon 10-Dec-12 14:47:50

Just read the clothes washing part. That's nuts.

I totally agree with lego. There's nothing wrong with wanting to please a new boyfriend, but you should really think about why you are so anxious to please someone even though they are really taking advantage of you.

It is totally valid to say that you want to be with someone generous (whether with money, time, attention, whatever). If that's the case, then stick to that. Set it as a new standard. If you start seeing someone and they aren't meeting that standard, bin them and move on. Otherwise you are just wasting your time.

How old is he anyway?

lostconfusedwhatnext Mon 10-Dec-12 14:49:36

Little bits of money here and there don't matter, sometimes, but the way he is doing it to you, in context, shows a lack of respect for you. Add it all up: the money you spend on food for nice cooking, the cooking itself, the using your place, the washing (!!!), the snippy remarks about what you don't have in (seriously?), the going to a caff without you (rather than getting your breakfast ready for when you wake up) - it means he thinks that a girlfriend is an appliance and you are there to service him. Actually I am glad you are not flush because I'm afraid if you could afford to finance all this you might put up with it - if it is the money that is making you question the whole situation, then good, because it needs to be questioned.
I would get rid - if you want a partner, he isn't one.
Or, if you don't have strong feelings for him (do you say if you even like him, or are falling for him? I missed it if so) and want a fuck-buddy arrangement for now, do it at his place, or at a hotel that he pays for, and don't make meals or do washing. But don't do this if you really deep down want a partner or if you would be better spending the energy on yourself or real relationships (including with real friends)

ClippedPhoenix Mon 10-Dec-12 14:50:15

He certainly knows how to "look after" No.1" which is him OP.

LoopsInHoops Mon 10-Dec-12 14:50:19

Oh come on OP, he's clearly married.

I can't believe that you're washing his clothes for him shock Some good advice on here though, I think it sounds quite dodgy too, sorry!

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 15:08:55

I will definitely phone his company's switchboard and why out whether really works there.

I'm glad I posted this thread, it made me think about the whole situation from a different angle.

My best friend and mum think I'm insane and don't understand why I'm with someone so nasty. He does have some good points too, but maybe I need to write down all the pros and cons. In fact, I will do it tonight.

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 15:10:00

Sorry, I meant 'find out whether he really works there'.

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 15:10:38

He is 32.

What has he done to make your friend and mum think he's nasty?

expatinscotland Mon 10-Dec-12 15:17:23

I'd have dumped him at the wash my clothes part.

Not to mention the always cooking for him.

Screw that. 8 weeks in should be about the two of you cooking meals together in between having sex on the floor, or ordering in takeaway and money shouldn't even be an issue.

DTMFA. Because he's tight and fucking weird.

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 15:22:40

Dreamingbohemian, the same washing clothes and cooking part. And making comments about the contents of my fridge.

TheWombat Mon 10-Dec-12 15:36:12

Oh dear sad
I really don't think you are money-focused OP. But I do agree with everyone that you need to do some digging about his domestic arrangements and maybe his job, too. There's something not right about it all and I think the money thing was just the part you first picked up on - maybe because you were sensitive to it because of the dad thing, IYSWIM.

Don't sell yourself too short smile

Heleninahandcart Mon 10-Dec-12 15:37:06

OP your best friend and Mum are wise.

expatinscotland Mon 10-Dec-12 15:43:21

I wouldn't bother doing any digging up, either. Just dump. If he asks why, tell him, 'Because you're weird.'

LookBehindYou Mon 10-Dec-12 15:52:06

Yes, no digging for info. It will only make you feel bad and raise more questions than give answers.

He leaves his clothes for you to wash? shock

Why the hell do you do them?

gettingeasier Mon 10-Dec-12 17:58:50

Hmm reading on into the thread I would just end things with this man. No question about it.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 10-Dec-12 18:07:30

He is dodgy, a freeloader and you are in training to become his doormat

It's not a good situation

Xales Mon 10-Dec-12 18:12:29

Stop doing his washing, cooking for him and letting him stay at yours etc.

You will soon see if he wants to stay your boyfriend or would prefer to move onto a better mug.

suburbophobe Mon 10-Dec-12 18:15:29

He sent me a text a couple of weeks ago if I had found his £2.50 that had fallen out of his pocket in my bedroom.

O.k., if he was on minimum wage or hours, I could understand.

But he's a financial analyst (are you sure?). Coming round with a tin of beans shows him as a cheapskate..!
He's willing to eat your lovingly-cooked meals. Has he ever cooked for you?

He's a user - expecting you to wash his clothes? WTF?!

I would see through someone like this within 2 weeks.

Are you desparate to have a man, any man in your life?

suburbophobe Mon 10-Dec-12 18:28:50

I also know the company where he works. Well, he claims to be working there, but I cannot be entirely sure.

Well, that's easy. Phone them and ask to be put through to him. You will have your answer.....

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Mon 10-Dec-12 18:41:23

Tight, or married.

Why does eating and food figure so large?

Tbh in an odd way you two sound quite alike. If it's too much hassle pack it in! I wouldn't get your hopes up for Christmas btw he probably 'doesn't believe' in exchanging gifts.

suburbophobe Mon 10-Dec-12 19:02:23

have done all these things to please him.

Ah yes. That's our downfall. The "disease to please".

I know OP cos I have been down that road. It's our upbringing you see.

But the more you try to please, the more they take advantage. And usually it's never "good enough".

You need to get to a point where if you are paying more than your fair share even on a first date (or subsequent), alarm bells should be starting in the background.

Saw a great key-ring once, and it was like a lesson...

"I am in touch with my inner bitch" grin

I didn't take it as being nasty, just a hint to get assertive with people who would walk all over me.

It's about taking your power back where it belongs.

izzyizin Mon 10-Dec-12 20:07:56

Have you met any of his friends, family, colleagues?

You sound remarkably like one of those women who have to have a man in order to define themselves.

Maybe if you didn't have a 'dead end' job you'd place more value on yourself. Instead of spending the rest of your working life in secretary mode, have you considered retraining - maybe studying for a degree if you haven't already done so?

The money you spend on this freeloading twat and others like him would be better invested in Open University studies or dining out alone at good restaurants.

Btw to avoid making the same mistake again, join the online dating thread.

I don't think he's married, or in a relationship though - he wouldn't bring his washing round then would he?

As for trying to be a "nice girlfriend", ask yourself what a "nice boyfriend" would do. Sure, it's nice to do things for each other, and to cook for each other. But would you take your washing round to his house for him to do? Shouldn't think so. Would you invite him back to your place sometimes? Would hope so. Would you go out for an expensive meal, have £40 of food/drink while he had £10 worth and expect to go halves?

Any of these things that you're not sure about - and some of the ones you are! - just think about reversing the roles.

ladyWordy Mon 10-Dec-12 20:16:22

This man is telling you lies, and freeloading. And he isn't very good at the lying part. Out he goes, OP!

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Mon 10-Dec-12 20:25:17

Q: Why are you packing an overnight bag?
A: I'm on a course/visiting my mum/my sister, sorry love, (thinks: must get pippi to wash my stuff so there's no tell-tale smell or cat's hairs or lipstick).

Arseface Mon 10-Dec-12 20:28:47

Hope you're ok OP, it's a bit of a shock when the penny drops like this. You're not an idiot for getting into this situation, we judge others according to our own standards and you sound like a normal, generous, kindhearted person.
Definitely check his work tomorrow. It's not normal for him to have insinuated himself so far into your life without giving anything back.

LaQueen Mon 10-Dec-12 20:50:01

"Queen he earns twice as much, maybe OP has to count the pennies."

Helen I actually meant that it sounded like this bloke was the one 'always counting the pennies' and if someone is like that, then they are never going to change.

LaQueen Mon 10-Dec-12 20:53:43

Pippi you've only been with him 8 weeks...and yet you can sense a wrongness in the relationship...nothing hugely definite, but there are warning bells ringing, yes?

Women's warning bells are very rarely wrong.

Wipe him off your shoes and sashay on down the road...

Bogeyface Mon 10-Dec-12 21:06:33

Meanness is the single most unattractive trait ever. Meanness is never just about money, but time, affection, respect.....

After 8 weeks he should be treating you like a princess, not likely a cross between a maid, a whore and his mother.

I would be dumping him for the washing thing alone, never mind anything else. And FWIW I dont think that he necessarily has a wife in the background, otherwise the washing etc wouldnt be an issue, given how he thinks of women. Maybe the reason he doesnt like his flatmates GF is that he assumed that she would do his washing, you know, because us vagina owners can't wait to be let loose on a big pile of skiddy pants hmm, and she told him to do one!

I think he is just a mean self centred slob and you would do very well to cut him loose.

LaQueen Mon 10-Dec-12 21:14:24

[kisses bogey hello...]

I agree if someone is mean in one way, then generally they're also mean in other ways too...mean in bed...mean with their time...mean with affection.

And, I don't think they can actually help it. I think it's as much a part of them as their hair colour, or being right/left handed etc.

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 21:14:33

I don´t need a man in order to define myself. Always been fine on my own. My last (proper) relationship was in 2007. But it would be quite nice to find someone kind to have good times with and share things in life. Maybe I´m just lonely. That´s all.

I´m actually putting a lot of effort into finding a better job. In fact, having an interview no. 3 this week, so quite close. I do have a degree, but it´s not in finance or business studies etc, which would help in the job market. I studied something that was close to my heart (but perhaps a bit pointless in terms of earning money). When you are 17, you don´t think about money. I have thought about doing another degree, but this won´t happen until I start earning more.

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 21:16:09

LaQueen, I completely agree. Mean with their time, mean with money, and so on. He always decides when we meet (when he has time, obviously). I´ve been so naive...

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 10-Dec-12 21:18:34

So what are you going to do ?

HollyBerryBush Mon 10-Dec-12 21:20:34

a couple of times when he has woken up before me and gone to eat in a local cafe

Dump him - sorry - but he is so discourtous to you - he could have nipped to the corner shop and bought stuff to cook you breakfast .... never mind wiping his dick on the curtains on the way out, then feeding himself.

dequoisagitil Mon 10-Dec-12 21:22:48

Sounds like the scales are falling from your eyes - please dump this stingy git.

I can't believe you're doing his washing 8 weeks in confused.

caramelwaffle Mon 10-Dec-12 21:23:30

Aye. You've been naive but many of us have at one stage.

At least you're aware now.

AndrewMyrrh Mon 10-Dec-12 21:26:52

Pippi, I think you need to ask yourself why you are so eager to please. I say this kindly, but I think you need to work at establishing boundaries and being more assertive. Doing his washing and making meals and snacks is setting yourself up as a doormat.

AndrewMyrrh Mon 10-Dec-12 21:38:23

HollyBerryBush shock grin

You have quite a way with words.

Bogeyface Mon 10-Dec-12 21:41:27

[Kisses LQ hello and offers her a martini!]

I should add that I was doing now DH's washing within 8 weeks but that was because he didnt have a machine and the laundrette was costing him a fortune. So he asked me if I would let him use my machine, I ended up doing it but he paid me for the use of the machine (insisted on it) and always, always paid when we went out. It was a matter of pride for him that he would never let me pay!

He always decides when you meet too?

Gawd, just bin him, seriously.

LaQueen Mon 10-Dec-12 21:51:01

[strokes Pippi's hair...]

There, there Sweetie, it's very easily done.

Now, you need to take a leaf out of Auntie LaQueen's book. I have been with DH for over 20 years and I rarely, if ever cook for him...if he comes home to a cooked dinner he assumes I've crashed the car, or something.

It's always best for the man in your life to work hard at pleasing you rather than the t'other way round.

LaQueen Mon 10-Dec-12 21:51:52

[gratefully accepts bogey's martini...]

squeakytoy Mon 10-Dec-12 21:56:21

Did he specifically ask you to wash his clothes? Either way though, next time he leaves them, just bundle them up into a carrier bag and say "you forgot these"..

Possibly spray a bit of perfume and accidentally get some lippy on them too...

Heleninahandcart Mon 10-Dec-12 22:05:09

LaQueen I hadn't seen you post, I was referencing the QueenofNightmares in my previous post. I actually agree wholeheartedly with what you said smile

Bogeyface Mon 10-Dec-12 22:06:00

It's always best for the man in your life to work hard at pleasing you rather than the t'other way round

This!

My dishwasher loads itself, and I wouldn't know what state his pants get in as I have never washed them!

LaQueen Mon 10-Dec-12 22:08:32

Ooops sorry Helen grin

LaQueen Mon 10-Dec-12 22:09:32

Well, DH does bugger all round the house (as you well know bogey). He does, however pay for the cleaner...so I can't complain (much).

Bogeyface Mon 10-Dec-12 22:12:24

I thought that he did quite a lot "around the house" LQ? wink

Heleninahandcart Mon 10-Dec-12 22:12:27

OP I'm also curious about this washing thing. I had assumed it was the clothes he left behind at yours. Did he actually ask?

You were wanting to be kind and please him, you've got dirty pants in return. I bet the energy you've put into this could well be used to be kind to someone who deserves it, like you.

Heleninahandcart Mon 10-Dec-12 22:14:49

LaQueen grin

Oh dear OP, you sound like a sweetie who deserves someone who treats you much better!

Hope you update us with the results of the switchboard phone call wink

Bogeyface Mon 10-Dec-12 22:29:10

You were wanting to be kind and please him, you've got dirty pants in return

That is the perfect description for every shit relationship ever, and should be the title of a book on how to avoid dickheads like this.

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 22:34:41

Thank you all for your support and advice. Much appreciated.

AndrewMyrrh, I couldn´t agree more. I need to analyse my own behaviour and understand why do I want to please people all the time. It actually applies to my work life as well, as I´m always ready to take on even the most menial tasks. I need to work on it.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 10-Dec-12 22:44:35

Make a start on that by jettisoning this using twat

Pendipidy Mon 10-Dec-12 22:49:05

so what are you going to do about him? do you know his address? ask to go round to his next time, or ring him up and say you are popping round. do let us know what you do. good luck smile

Anniegetyourgun Mon 10-Dec-12 22:53:50

I know his address. It's:

Ebenezer Scrooge, Esq
Flat 1, Grinch Towers
Gnat's Arse Lane
London.

HTH.

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 22:59:25

A couple of weeks ago he left some clothes lying around on my bedroom floor and I just put them aside. A few days later, he asked about the clothes and seemed annoyed that I hadn´t washed them: "Why haven´t you washed my clothes?" So the following week I washed his clothes too. It didn´t really bother me that much at the time as there were only a few items but now I think it´s just the fact that he expects me to do it. I´m not his mum. smile

I´ve always thought the first couple of months should be romantic and not about worrying about household chores and arguing over laundry. Not expecting him to send me roses and having him serenading under my balcony (I don´t have one anyway!), but perhaps a little sign that he cares. Tin of beans is not acceptable. It´s difficult for me to talk about this with him, because I haven´t figured it out yet how to put it in a nice way. You see, I did it again - trying to be nice to everyone. smile

caramelwaffle Mon 10-Dec-12 22:59:52

grin

caramelwaffle Mon 10-Dec-12 23:00:07

x post

caramelwaffle Mon 10-Dec-12 23:02:07

"Why haven't you washed my clothes?"

Because they are yours. You need to take them home and wash them.

dequoisagitil Mon 10-Dec-12 23:02:24

"Why haven't you washed my clothes?" What the actual fuck?! grin

Tell him to fuck the fuck off to the far side of fuck (or whatever it is). It'll be good for you.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 10-Dec-12 23:02:43

You could try telling him it's a private dwelling place, not a laundrette. You could use the same tone of voice he did when asking why you hadn't washed his clothes. Yes, that nicely.

MooncupsAndSaucers Mon 10-Dec-12 23:03:05

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 10-Dec-12 23:05:39

"Fuck the fuck off to the far side of fuck, and when you get there, fuck off some more." That's what is known as a true Mumsnet classic (not sure who coined it, but they should be awarded a Damehood at the very least).

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 10-Dec-12 23:07:33

Moon, are you serious ?

jingleallthespringy Mon 10-Dec-12 23:08:57

oooo <seethes> - rarely do I want to smash someone's face in but I could seriously smack him one.

to be fair OP, you're asking for it. ok, not quite, in that a decent person wouldn't exploit you the way he is (<seethes some more>) but, yes, you need to look at why you are being a doormat/dogsbody. Get thee to some counselling to find out where this is coming from?

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 23:10:26

We had an argument today after I sent him a text message saying that I needed to talk about something that matters to me and it would be great if we could talk in the evening. I think it was a silly thing to do, but I panicked a bit after thinking about the fact that I´ve actually never been to his place and met any of his friends. Met up at a train station on the way home and I asked about it. He got mad at me and basically ran off. Before running off, his response was: "I hate the flat and don´t want to be there at all. I´m also pissed off about everything." Haven´t heard from him since then.

Mollydoggerson Mon 10-Dec-12 23:12:36

Nutter

Anniegetyourgun Mon 10-Dec-12 23:13:14

Married nutter, even.

jingleallthespringy Mon 10-Dec-12 23:13:44

oh dear sad

Bogeyface Mon 10-Dec-12 23:14:42

He is hiding something. At the very least a non-hiding person would have said "Fine, its a shithole, ,my flat mate is a dick and his GF is a bitch, but if it matters that much to you then we will go back there"

But he didnt. He got aggro and legged it. I am still not sure that he is married (although I concede that he could well be) but he is definitely bullshitting somewhere along the line.

sleeplessinsuburbia Mon 10-Dec-12 23:14:57

Married. I want to see how this ends!!!

Heleninahandcart Mon 10-Dec-12 23:16:10

"Why didn't you wash my clothes?" He actually said that. Out loud.
I'm almost scared to ask, did you iron them too? sad

squeakytoy Mon 10-Dec-12 23:16:14

"I´m not his mum"

You aint his wife either, but I bet someone else is.

Sounds like you touched on a nerve earlier by suggesting going to his place.

He isnt worth it. Dump him now before it gets worse.

LineRunner Mon 10-Dec-12 23:19:26

I think squeaky is right, sadly, OP. Please walk away from this bloke.

Heleninahandcart Mon 10-Dec-12 23:19:41

Crossed with your last post. Totally unacceptable, it doesn't really matter what the reasons for behaving like a toddler are, you do not have to put up with that.

Mollydoggerson Mon 10-Dec-12 23:20:31

You may never hear from him again, if he is married, he may now be spooked.

Don't fall into the trap of regretting confronting him, don't make any further contact.

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 23:21:44

No, I didn´t iron them. And not going to. smile

Anniegetyourgun Mon 10-Dec-12 23:22:47

Or, of course, brassic, and living in a total dive which no financial analyst would be seen dead in. "Flatmate's gf" is in fact the landlady, she's 60, weighs 24 stone, does a mean backhand with a rolling pin, and is looking for 3 weeks' overdue rent.

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 10-Dec-12 23:24:20

Mollydoggerson, I don´t regret it at all, it made me feel better. Surely I have the right to know where he lives and expect an invitation, especially as he´s been round to my place so many times.

Mollydoggerson Mon 10-Dec-12 23:25:46

Yes you do.

He might actually be living with his mum, who knows. All very odd.

Heleninahandcart Mon 10-Dec-12 23:53:26

Pippy many years ago I had a bf who said he lived in a house share. It turned out he lived with his parents.

Good for you saying something, this could be the beginning of a few changes you make for yourself grin

BonzoDooDah Mon 10-Dec-12 23:59:05

Nice one - the worm is turning. He sounds like he is hiding something and has a massive guilty conscience to kick off like that. Go you - don't stand for this crap. You can do better.

badinage Tue 11-Dec-12 01:18:24

I'm a bit gobsmacked that an intelligent woman wouldn't have seen this many bad signs, so agree that therapy might be in order. Your mum and your friend could see this a mile off - why couldn't you?

Dating sites are full of liars who are already in relationships, but the meanness, the nasty comments about his non existent flatmate's mate's girlfriend, the discourtesy and bad manners should have put you off long before now - even if he was single which he isn't.

Haven't you ever googled him? Checked social networks? Asked him any questions about his work or his home? Or did you have suspicions but didn't want to face up to them because that would make you complicit in his deceit?

It's even more important to do your homework about people you meet on a dating site, because there are no mutual connections to corroborate their stories. And as everyone knows (don't they?) dating sites are full of people looking for no-strings sex as an extra to their committed relationships.

Hyperballad Tue 11-Dec-12 01:51:34

Pip, I don't think it's really the money that's the issue here, it's his total lack of making you feel special in any way that's the problem. He seems to be take take take and not giving anything.

At this stage he should be thinking of things to make you feel special, so many gestures don't have to cost a thing but mean so much.

My DP calls me princess everyday, he brought me tea and toast in bed yesterday before he went to work and the day before he brought in a magazine and chocolate bar for me. Little things that are little treats and in turn make me feel special.

He isn't doing anything like this.

I agree that it all sounds a bit suspicious. But I don't think you need to know the truth, it's not that important. What you do know is that you don't feel happy and contented with him so this is just one of those things that hasn't worked out. Bye bye mr selfish.

Hope I read on here in the morning that you have dumped him. smile

smupcakes Tue 11-Dec-12 01:52:29

It would of been it for my after the first date, I would never have a second date with someone who hadn't been delighted to pay for the first. Although I think I may be in the minority in this view.

I'd dump him via text saying sorry but couldn't afford to call

riveroise Tue 11-Dec-12 02:35:16

He's treating you like his slave - bin him and spend your money on treats for yourself for xmas!

ThreeTomatoes Tue 11-Dec-12 06:45:36

Flippin' 'eck. If my DP had asked me to wash clothes that he'd left that early on in our relationship I would have laughed in his face! Actually, 10 years later I still don't wash his clothes!! (he's never ever asked either)

Your last argument says it all, OP, even if the other little red flags don't. Text him it's over, that's what I'd do.

nameuschangeus Tue 11-Dec-12 06:57:34

Coming to this a little late but why us he paying mortgage and rent?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 11-Dec-12 09:28:33

Is he dumped then ?

pippilongstockinglondon Tue 11-Dec-12 09:34:57

I haven't heard from him since last night and won't be making contact myself. Would be interesting to know what he has to say about his living arrangements.

He has a mortgage, but is renting the property out. Renting a room in his friend's flat - that's the friend with the girlfriend that he hates so much.

"A couple of weeks ago he left some clothes lying around on my bedroom floor and I just put them aside. A few days later, he asked about the clothes and seemed annoyed that I hadn´t washed them: "Why haven´t you washed my clothes?" So the following week I washed his clothes too. It didn´t really bother me that much at the time as there were only a few items"

Back to my point about role reversal - what if you had left a few things on his floor (if you ever got to visit!) What would you say to him about it? Would you be complaining that he hadn't washed them? shock Think about that.

pippilongstockinglondon Tue 11-Dec-12 09:48:47

I've googled him a few times (name, surname, telephone number, email address), but nothing much comes up except for an old electoral roll data from 2002 when he was living with his parents. Plus a reference to his old job, which I found yesterday - I actually don't think he is making up his employment history or current job. He also has a Facebook account, but obviously the info is private.

Has has told me about his friends (never met any) and know that he disapproves of their girlfriends. All of them. Misogynistic?

pippilongstockinglondon Tue 11-Dec-12 09:50:56

I would never leave my dirty clothes at anyone's place, let alone expect them to wash the clothes. Good point! smile

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 11-Dec-12 09:51:33

Perhaps his friends gf's don't wash his mates clothes ?

Phone his office!!!

caramelwaffle Tue 11-Dec-12 10:03:56

He hates the girlfriends because they refused to go to the tattoo parlour to have "mug" etched on.

You're too good for him. Get rid.

Chandon Tue 11-Dec-12 10:04:48

Something is up.

We need to know now!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lostconfusedwhatnext Tue 11-Dec-12 10:06:56

Pippi, are you not fb friends with him?!
Yes, men who don't like ANY of their friends' wives or gfs are usually misogynists. I think even the thing about "hating" his flatmate's gf is sus enough - I mean surely most nice men would say "we don't really get on, and it's a bit crowded when we're all there, and I don't really feel comfortable bringing another person..." etc - if it is a tricky situation there are nicer ways to talk about his friend's partner.

I agree he might be hiding something, from the way he blew up - something big like no job, or married - or could just be something small, things that most sane gfs wouldn't mind about, but he is angry with you for questioning him and not knowing your place. Suppose, for instance, he is broke because he is supporting his slightly embarrassing, dementia-suffering mum who has nowhere else to go. A nice man would say "Look, I should have told you this before, but...." and it would be ok, you would like him more for looking after his mum. But the danger signal is the anger and the flouncing off (and everything else you have ever said about him)

Bogeyface Tue 11-Dec-12 10:08:11

I rather suspect he disapproves of his mates GFs because they are strong independent women who don't go into ecstasy at the sight of a basket of ironing.

Misogynistic? Just a bit!

lostconfusedwhatnext Tue 11-Dec-12 10:10:26

I had one like this. I too focused my disquiet on the money thing because it was the most quantifiable thing and my self esteem was too low to recognise the things that are less quantifiable. But I was always slightly out of pocket from anything we did together - it was a pattern, and over time it felt like he was using me. He was, but the money wasn't the worst way he was using me. I wish I had had a mum and a best friend like yours to tell me things weren't right. Or mn.

APMF Tue 11-Dec-12 10:10:41

As long as it is just a few clothes and the op isn't carrying the load down to the river what is the big deal about chucking in a few extra items into the washing machine?

When we were dating we tended to stay over at DPs (it was nicer). I simply left the dirty clothes behind so that I always had clean clothes there. I would definitely gone WTF! if DP had made a point of not chucking my stuff into the machine.

Don't get me wrong. I'm with the Dump Him! crowd. But provided he isn't bringing dirty clothes TO your place AND he offers to help iron I don't see what the big deal is

dequoisagitil Tue 11-Dec-12 10:15:10

If he has a place of his own and hates lodging with his friend, why in the hell is he living there? It sounds like a lot of old bollocks.

His overreaction to your questions says freakazoid or something to hide.

Going back to the "why haven't you washed my clothes?" thing - at no point should there even be an expectation that you do your bloke's clothes for him - in our house when a load needs doing whoever is there at the time does it. My dh wouldn't dream of saying "why haven't you washed my clothes?" The only time he'd ever ask me to do his washing specifically would be if he couldn't get to it for some undeniable, practical reason and he needed something specially done for a good reason, like an interview - and then he'd ask me nicely!

You are not an indentured servant, a laundrette or his mother... And even my kids would think twice about asking me why I hadn't done their washing grin.

Bogeyface Tue 11-Dec-12 10:15:32

The big deal APMF is that after 8 weeks he is treating her like a maid! I would be pissed off if my husband got snotty with me for not doing his washing, and we have been together 7 years. After 8 weeks I would have told him to sling his hook!

He did do his laundry at my place and I would sometimes put his stuff in with mine, but that was because he didnt have a machine of his own, and he insisted on paying towards the electricity bill. If he had just assumed that I would do his washing as a thank you for being allowed to bounce on his cock three times a week he would have been history.

dequoisagitil Tue 11-Dec-12 10:19:11

Plus asking you about £2.50 that fell out of his pocket, while claiming to be something in the city?!

£20, I could understand him asking about, but just cos he was worried about having lost it somewhere rather than needing it back immediately. He ought to be embarrassed about asking about £2.50 hmm.

dequoisagitil Tue 11-Dec-12 10:20:54

Maybe it's a diamond-encrusted 24 carat gold cock, bogey.

Bogeyface Tue 11-Dec-12 10:22:54

That'd be a bit sore wouldnt it?! grin

ike1 Tue 11-Dec-12 10:24:26

Listen Pipi I am coming to lodge with you! Ive had enough of my life at home and I fancy having someone cook me delicious healthy meals and do my washing if I leave my pants on the floor. I might buy you the odd meal in recompense. Deal??? You sound great btw..(I am quite hot in the sack too..)

Anniegetyourgun Tue 11-Dec-12 10:34:20

Re "you are not his mother" type comments, fair enough though those are, I live with an adult son who does his own washing. Yesterday I popped some clothes in the wash for him and he thanked me most politely. That is how decent men with manners behave even towards their mothers. One might reasonably expect even better towards someone he should be trying to impress.

LaQueen Tue 11-Dec-12 10:54:26

Pippi the problem you have here, is that I can pretty much guarantee that this bloke has selected you because he worked out very early on that you are a People Pleaser, and that you have been pre-conditioned to put up with too much shit.

He will have sniffed you out, I'm afraid sad

badinage Tue 11-Dec-12 11:06:12

He also has a Facebook account, but obviously the info is private

Eh?? Private to you only, I should think..........

JamNan Tue 11-Dec-12 11:09:58

Hmm..
I think mortgaged property is occupied by Financial Analyst's ex-wife/girlfriend who got wise and chucked him out. He's now 'lodging' temporarily with best mate. Maybe bezzie mate and his girlfriend have also got wise to FA and asked him to leave. Of course he can't invite you there because his lies will be found out. He's eying up your place though.

Do you know the actual address of where he claims to live?

ethelb Tue 11-Dec-12 11:16:20

The facebook thing screams louder than anything else tbh.

Why would his FB profile be private from someone he has been seeing for two months? This coupled with the fact that you have never been to his house, or apparently never met any friends of his etc it woudl put money on him having something to hide.

ethelb Tue 11-Dec-12 11:18:23

can you look up his house on the land registry? That will say who owns it.

pippilongstockinglondon Tue 11-Dec-12 11:22:23

LaQueen, this could very well be true.

JamNan, I don't know his actual address, only the area and train station he goes to. That's why I confronted him last night to find out why he hasn't invited me back to his place. Surely it cannot be only because he dislikes his flatmates GF so much. But he got irritated and ran off. There's no valid reason to get angry with me, because I only asked for an explanation why am I not more involved in his life.

LaQueen Tue 11-Dec-12 11:25:09

Pippi Because of some of the aspects of my Mum's job, she had to attend various courses/training on domestic abuse.

One thing she told me was that abusers usually actively seek out their victims. They very quickly suss if a woman is self confident and won't put up with their crap, and they move on...and ferret out women who will tolerate being treated badly sad

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 11-Dec-12 11:27:07

jam has it, I think

stifnstav Tue 11-Dec-12 11:27:24

He might be a spy. Or just a dick.

I am imagining him running off like Phoebe in Friends, arms and legs flailing. That is just so odd.

I would need to find out more, cos I'm nosy as fuck.

badinage Tue 11-Dec-12 11:30:23

Can you explain the facebook thing and why it's blocked to you, OP?

dinkystinky Tue 11-Dec-12 11:30:37

OP - dump the waster. He's a waste of your time, space and energy. And PLEASE for the love of god stop doing his cooking and washing!

dequoisagitil Tue 11-Dec-12 11:34:14

The questions you are asking are normal.

His reaction was not.

NaiceDude Tue 11-Dec-12 11:40:41

He might be a spy. Or just a dick.

grin

This is all very intriguing. I have noticed MN is very keen on the double life theory - how would he explain his thrice-weekly absences from home to his wife? Presume it isn't a rota system which could be explained?!

OP, in answer to your original question - yes, he is tight. I don't think he's married, I just think he's tight as arseholes and wants you to do all the giving while he does all the taking, meanwhile not surrendering one measly slither of the parts of his life (and wallet) that he wants to keep all to himself.

caramelwaffle Tue 11-Dec-12 11:42:52

LeQueen has it spot on: I too was a "chosen one" then I got older, wiser and listened, really listened to what older, wiser women were saying.

caramelwaffle Tue 11-Dec-12 11:43:51

NaiceDude Perhaps shift work...?

lostconfusedwhatnext Tue 11-Dec-12 11:45:34

Pippi, are you living abroad from where you were brought up? (your name makes me think you are Scandiwegian but I realise not necessarily the case). I only ask because, although you have been talking to your mum and best friend (good) you might appear to be very geographically isolated from support networks which is another thing that would make you very attractive to using dickheads. (I am sure that you have many other qualities that make you legitimately attractive to lots of nice people too, by the way - being very nice and thoughtful for a start)

Anyway how do you feel about him? I don't think he is very nice. Do you? Are there any nice things about him? Why carry on seeing him? What is to stop you just stopping it right now, without even ever having another conversation? You can't have left your favourite book at his house because you have never been there! ;)

TheSilverPussycat Tue 11-Dec-12 11:47:58

Have you sent him a friend request on FB?

He's definitely a dodgy 'un.

quietlysuggests Tue 11-Dec-12 11:50:02

Ok this is a judgemental post.

I think you are out searching for a wealthy boyfriend, you find one that says he is a man of means, you are trying hard to better yourself and you think that a rich other half would be a lot easier than all these interviews.
You choose to put up with shit behaviour as you see it as an investment in your future.
Thats why as soon as male medical students transition to doctors they are surrounded by female nurses offering to cook clean and wash for them. It is actually a long term strategy for many women.
And you have been brought up to see the man of the house as the benefactor - be nice to daddy and get a trinket.
So my advice - stop being so money grabbing that you will put up with crap just to be with a rich man.
In this case, he played you.
Thats exactly why he pretended to be doing well in life - to get a woman like you for whom that is important.
Work on yourself my dear. Be independent. Earn your own money.

izzyizin Tue 11-Dec-12 11:51:02

Did you get around to giving his alleged place of work a call to check he's employed there? Does the company have a website listing staff members maybe with photos?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 11-Dec-12 11:54:36

Isn't what why there are a lot of liars on internet dating sites ?

Not so attractive to the other sex when you put up a profile that says "I'm still married, but been thrown out by my wife for dodgy behaviour. I lodge with my mate who hates me. I don't have a pot to piss in but I would be happy to come and piss in yours as long as you wash my clothes on time. I'll give you as much cunnilingus as you can cope with though" grin

caramelwaffle Tue 11-Dec-12 11:57:22

AF You've been window shopping grin

quietly that's a bit harsh!

Whocansay Tue 11-Dec-12 12:01:30

Just caught up with this thread.

OP, run like fuck.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 11-Dec-12 12:01:43

CW, grin

NaiceDude Tue 11-Dec-12 12:01:48

caramel all-day all-night financial analysis shifts?!

NaiceDude Tue 11-Dec-12 12:02:00

quietly hmm

quietlysuggests Tue 11-Dec-12 12:03:00

yes it is harsh but the world is full of women surrounded by their friends saying "Oh poor you you just GIVE so much you are so sweet" when the truth is "Well you put up with shit if the man is rich emough but it hasn't worked out for you yet"
Its part of the myth that all women are givers and men are takers.
But women are not stupid, they play the game, they take their chances.

alicetrefusis Tue 11-Dec-12 12:05:09

Way too harsh Quietly.

Sadly I think Jam is right. He's living in bedsitland, or lodging with a mate, because his ex W/P has chucked him out, and probably taken him to the cleaners. Hence the rent and mortgage, and stinginess with money. Although that was probably there beforehand anyway.

Run far away OP. We all live and learn. There are many kinds of awful men....

izzyizin Tue 11-Dec-12 12:05:29

Wow, quantum leap there, quietly. Does 2 and 2 always make 5 for you?

I'm sure pippi can appreciate that although there may be some kudos in having a wealthy boyfriend, there's no percentage in acquiring one unless he splashes his dosh around on more than a frozen pie and waffles from Iceland.

Whether this tight-arsed twat is a man of means remains to be seen, but my curiousity is piqued and I hope pippi embarks on some serious sleuthing to discover how much of what he's told her is true which I suspect is not a lot

IMO pippi should re-read bandinages advice and join the long running online dating thread - it occurs to me that this particular 'financial analyst' may well be known to one or more of the stalwarts of POF, OkC etc.

ClippedPhoenix Tue 11-Dec-12 12:08:35

Blimey quietly, what are you on? The OP has been seeing this man for 2 months, not 10 years.

Let this be a lesson to you though OP, stop making a rod for your own back by trying to be some sort of domestic goddess as you will only look like a mug.

lostconfusedwhatnext Tue 11-Dec-12 12:09:37

I think quietly has phrased her message a bit brutally but it has historically been the case that women take better care of their security by being useful and agreeable to men than by working at other jobs (or in fact, as their main role while working in other jobs). It would be very odd indeed if there were no vestiges of this at all in the current generation of young women.

I do not judge Pippi as a gold digger, but it may well be the case that her interest in her beau's income and her almost instinctive willingess to look after him with cooking and cleaning has a direct line of influence from how women traditionally get house and board (and a range of potential luxuries if they are lucky). How could it not be the case, at least some of the time?

Pippi I think one of the reasons you may be frustrated at work is that (this is all sort of in the same vein) your intelligence may be underestimated if you, subconsciously, think that the way to do a good job and therefore to please, is to be very agreeable. Sometimes, if you are clever, you will be right when others are wrong, and finding clever charming assertive ways to make this clear, and for your company to benefit from your cleverness, is a very tough skill to learn - harder than doing what you are told, but a worthwhile challenge if you can pull it off. I think for many of us we have been wrongly sold an equation that goes something like submission = security.

pippilongstockinglondon Tue 11-Dec-12 12:43:56

I'm not a gold digger and earn my own money. The only reason why I started this was to find out whether other people also think his behaviour is weird and inconsiderate or is it just me. I have worked since the age of 17, obviously not continuously as I was also studying in the early 2000's.

No, I haven't sent him a FB request.

I don't have much experience with relationships as have had only a few short-term ones. Hence all the wrong decisions and not seeing the signs. It's not so terribly important for me to be in one. But it would be great to share things in life.

You are right, he is not a very nice person. I still feel infatuated though.

Thanks again for all the answers, it has been very enlightening.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 11-Dec-12 12:47:47

So, when he has given you the silent treatment for the length of time he deems appropriate and contacts you again to get shag and his skiddies washed what are you going to do ?

caramelwaffle Tue 11-Dec-12 12:47:55

You don't sound like a gold digger at all; quite the opposite in fact.

Get out there and have fun.

Be happy single and let any new man slot in to your life. If he doesn't enhance it, move him on.

badinage Tue 11-Dec-12 12:48:23

Sorry but I think you knew he was in a relationship, but wanted to pretend you didn't. If he wasn't such a dick, I think you'd be kidding yourself even now that he's available. Maybe you still are?

Have a look at why you're 'infatuated' with such a loser. That really does tell you something about your low standards.

caramelwaffle Tue 11-Dec-12 12:50:14

bad She met him through online dating: I think he probably put "single" in the status line.

caramelwaffle Tue 11-Dec-12 12:50:55

...otherwise she wouldn't now be questioning his living arrangements.

pippilongstockinglondon Tue 11-Dec-12 12:52:42

I honestly don't think he's in a relationship.

badinage Tue 11-Dec-12 12:53:53

Yes but everyone knows the internet dating scene is full of liars.

And the clues were all there afterwards. No-one is that stupid. Only those who would prefer to be thought of as stupid, than being the other woman.

pippilongstockinglondon Tue 11-Dec-12 12:56:21

I'm sure I'll find out soon.

ThreeTomatoes Tue 11-Dec-12 12:57:01

Oh pippi, what on earth is endearing about this man to make you infatuated by him??

izzyizin Tue 11-Dec-12 13:00:06

How are you going to find out, pippi? What will you do if you discover he doesn't work where he's claimed or that he's employed in a lower earning lesser capacity?

ClippedPhoenix Tue 11-Dec-12 13:00:27

Are you really going to keep on seeing him OP?

badinage Tue 11-Dec-12 13:01:05

I honestly don't think he's in a relationship.

You weren't that bothered to find out though were you? If it mattered to you, you wouldn't have suppressed your curiosity when there were so many obvious clues. So up till this thread, you didn't find it odd that you didn't know his address, hadn't met his friends, hadn't linked with him on facebook and knew very little about him. You thought he was tight rather than someone who would have to justify expenditure to a partner.

MyLittleFluffball Tue 11-Dec-12 13:04:59

Sorry you're going through this, pippilongstockinglondon. I hope you can/will move on from this guy immediately, far too many red flags, he is not worth investing any more time in.

Try not to take the wild speculation/baseless judgements on here to heart. You know yourself best. smile I hope you can take the good advice that has helped you from this thread - as it seems you've done - and happily ignore all the things that you know don't apply to you.

I believe from reading your words that you are a nice person who is not a gold digger or someone who knew that this guy was in a relationship.

jingleallthespringy Tue 11-Dec-12 13:05:09

a controlling certain type of man can be very charming, sadly.

What train station did you meet at - his?

Darling, it is very odd indeed that he ran like a 12yo when you confronted him confused

JamNan Tue 11-Dec-12 13:09:55

badinage
Why all the nastiness? It's not helping.

izzyizin Tue 11-Dec-12 13:15:54

I have a vision of him running away from a crowded rail station and knocking commuters over like bowling balls in his haste to escape further questioning.

He must surely know he's rumbled and he'd had a brass nerve if he contacts you again - or did he leave his skiddies more loose change behind on his last visit to your home?

Online dating is effectively a cheat's charter which gives liars licence to reinvent their age, status, occupation, etc, and the charming stranger who is ostensibly 'looking for lurve' may have a hidden agenda.

ClippedPhoenix Tue 11-Dec-12 13:17:47

OP I also don't think you're a gold digger in the slightest, that's nonsense, you were just far too willing to please, which needs working on.

If I were you I'd now feel I'd not want to do jack shit for him ever again, so let's face it, it's not really a relationship anymore is it?

izzyizin Tue 11-Dec-12 13:25:43

The Iceland frozen pie, waffles, & beans, indicate he's either a tight twat or not as well-heeled as he's made out, and running away in public when you questioned him shows him to be an abject coward.

What is there about this guy to be infatuated with?

Arseface Tue 11-Dec-12 13:27:37

This is getting completely out of hand!
Pippi, you may have been naive and a little too trusting but I for one do not think you sound like a gold digger/fool/willing OW hmm.
You've only been seeing this man for a while and your antennae have picked up that things are not as they should be.
I think you need to be a little less trusting when letting people into your life but people with good self esteem don't initially run screaming at bad behaviour from others as they don't have the defensive barriers of those who have been hurt or let down in the past.

It's also important to remember that you are the normal one here, who has done nothing wrong. This man is behaving very strangely and not treating you fairly.
A salutary lesson that not everyone in life is to be taken at face value but I don't think it's a sign that you're some kind of twat magnet!

Anniegetyourgun Tue 11-Dec-12 13:29:58

Not that it matters, of course. He's clearly not very nice, so he ought to be dumped whether or not he's also a liar.

LaQueen Tue 11-Dec-12 13:37:39

Spitting his dummy out and running away when confronted...? Well, he's basically a twat...well, an UberTwat, on top of all the other twatness.

At that point I would have openly burst out laughing - I would have genuinely thought his behaviour amusing...but then again, I wouldn't have tolerated him past the first date anyway. And he certainly wouldn't have tolerated me hmm

OP, I think it would be really good for you to decide yourself, in your own mind, that this relationship is over.

I mean, it has to be. He is exhibiting seriously weird behaviour. You say you don't have a lot of experience with dating, please listen to old ladies like myself who have loads of ridiculous experience: this man is no good for you and you need to just dump him and move on.

I say this because you sound a bit passive about it and I sense you are waiting for him to get in touch and then seeing what he says and what he wants and then maybe deciding....

But really, you have all the information you need. It will be very empowering to just take the decision yourself and not worry about what he wants or thinks.

LaQueen Tue 11-Dec-12 13:42:23

OP agree with bohemian please, please, please listen to us laydees who have been around the bloke more than once, with quite a few men (ahem).

All of our warning lights are flashing...and we really do know what we're talking about. Honest.

izzyizin Tue 11-Dec-12 13:42:52

From what I've read of the online dating thread, Annie, it would seem it's a world in which it's not easy to avoid becoming a twat magnet and careful sifting of wheat from chaff is required before any rl encounters take place.

In short, a gal needs to have finely tuned twat radar and acute hearing to detect the clanging of alarm bells on paper as well as in person.

The signs were there from the off, pippi, and you need to work on why you ignored them and chose to let yourself be suckered in by this tosser.

MadameOvary Tue 11-Dec-12 13:47:05

Well I feel for the OP.
I have been that passive, that down on myself, and that naive. I would have done the same, been unsure, waited to see what happened.
Now, however after an abusive relationship and a few years on MN he wouldn't get a second look.
OP, you voiced your concerns, and he ran away in a strop. At the very very least, that marks him as unreliable and immature. Both of which mean he should be ditched without a second thought.

pippilongstockinglondon Tue 11-Dec-12 13:48:07

MyLittleFluffball, Arseface and other helpful people, thank you for your kind words. smile

Not sure how to find out about his living/work arrangements more, but I'll find a way. As suggested, will try to call the Switchboard of his company later just to find out whether he has been telling the truth about where he works. A bit scared of doing this though, need to work out a strategy.

We normally take different trains from the same station after finishing work. Around the same time as well.

I just wish him to be honest/open with me and explain why he has been keeping me away from his flat, apart from the fact that he hates that place. Never thought of this before until people mentioned about it - maybe I'm not nosy/clever enough. I've definitely been too trusting and naive - guilty as charged. His response, that he hates the flat, dislikes the people in it and doesn't want to spend any time there at all, seemed believable enough. Maybe he is embarrassed about his living conditions. But maybe I'm just finding excuses for him.

Here's an idea. He has left his dirty pants on my floor, I might just post them back to his once I know the address. Along with the £2.50. ;)

Really confused now. Will listen to my heart, but use my brain too.

LaQueen Tue 11-Dec-12 13:51:02

I was totally passive and naive in my first serious relationship, and really quite naive in my second...

Both times I got suckered by guys who were very mean with money (I think they picked me because I'm generous) and both times I used to meekly sit around waiting for them to call the shots.

But, thankfully we live and learn - and by the time I met DH I had my laminated tick-list in my steey grip grin

pippilongstockinglondon Tue 11-Dec-12 13:54:10

Deep in my heart I know this is over, because I'm furious over his behaviour. But you're absolutely right, I'm a very passive person and find it difficult to talk about my feelings and needs directly. Have made the first step and asked him the uncomfortable question (and he ran off).

I know the next logical step would be stop seeing him.

MadameOvary Tue 11-Dec-12 13:54:48

Your need for him to be open and honest is reasonable, but you are not going to get that from him. Really, you don't need to know, because he has amply demonstated his unwillingness to be open and honest. Believe me, you are only going to get the facts under duress, probably yelled at you followed by a tirade of abuse and "Hope you're happy now" before stomping off in another strop.

He isn't worth any more of your time, energy, or emotion.

The thing is, OP, you might never know the real reason why he won't take you to his flat. It's so frustrating to never find out these things, but prepare yourself for that. It might just be an unsolved mystery you have to let go.

And you don't need to know. You already have enough evidence that he's deeply weird and not good partner material. Let him go back to his weird stupid life and you go on improving your life and doing great things.

As for calling -- don't be afraid. Just ask for him (have a fake name prepared just in case). If they say "Hold on, I'll connect you", then hang up. If they say, "No one here by that name," well, then you know.

But it's a bit of a distraction. Even if he does work there, that doesn't mean he's not being weird and untrustworthy anyway.

He ran away from you at the train station. Good god, that's really all you need to know.

Whocansay Tue 11-Dec-12 13:58:26

I really wouldn't bother with this guy. He's clearly a liar. But to put your mind at rest, call the switchboard and say that you need to write to him and ask them to confirm his job title and department.

I imagine he's actually something called a paraplanner, which could kind of be described as a financial analyst, but you'd earn substantially less. And unlike a proper FA who would work long hours, a PP would work 9-5, which would explain how he could get a train at the same time as you.

izzyizin Tue 11-Dec-12 14:02:27

Forget your heart; use your brain to work out you'll need the £2.50 for postage to return his dirty undies

Put on your best secretary voice, make contact with the main switchboard of the company he allegedly works for, say you're writing to Mr X X, and ask for his job title

If you care to pm me the details I'll be happy to make the call and report back to you privately in strictest confidence. That way there'll be no comeback for you whatsoever - not that I imagine there would be if you follow the script above.

pippilongstockinglondon Tue 11-Dec-12 14:22:10

I just figured it out how to make the call. He's currently looking for a job, so I could say I'm calling from a company Some-Made-Up-Name to get a reference.

earlyriser Tue 11-Dec-12 14:22:42

I've said it before and I'll say it again. If it's this much hard work, this early on, it's just not worth it grin

snowtunesgirl Tue 11-Dec-12 14:23:44

OP, hang on a minute. What on earth will this achieve? Just walk away with dignity intact and a phew that you had a lucky escape so early on in a relationship.

caramelwaffle Tue 11-Dec-12 14:32:50

pippi read AF's post at 12.47 again.

Think it over.

jingleallthespringy Tue 11-Dec-12 14:36:54

Make that call if it helps you to tie up some loose ends. You've had a shock to cope with a very unsatisfactory end to your 'relationship' - with him running away FFS - and maybe doing some detective work will strengthen your resolve.

btw, do they know he's looking for another job? re references could land him in it. Your choice.

LaQueen Tue 11-Dec-12 14:44:02

Pippi even if you make that call, and sicoever that he actually is Financial Director, or something...it's not going to magically stop him being mean with money, treating you shabbily and running off like a 4 year old when asked a direct question FFS.

He will just then become a Financial Director who is also a tight-fisted, emotionally immature twunt. That's all.

Whether he is/isn't doing a specific job isn't going to make a jot of difference over all.

pippilongstockinglondon Tue 11-Dec-12 14:44:14

Re his job...This clearly proves that I'm not thinking straight. Will think of a better plan, don't want to put his job at risk.

pippilongstockinglondon Tue 11-Dec-12 14:45:54

LaQueen, I agree with you. It wouldn't change anything at all.

jingleallthespringy Tue 11-Dec-12 14:48:09

I think it will change things. You want to know, as much as you can, what was and wasn't true, otherwise it's all a bit of a headfuck I would've thought.

dinkystinky Tue 11-Dec-12 15:06:29

Pippi - you dont need to check up on whether or not he's told you the truth about his job, his living situation etc. The fact of the matter is that you can feel something isnt right in this relationship which means, after 2 months, its time to move on. Dont tie yourself to this man for any longer!

Fluffycloudland77 Tue 11-Dec-12 15:20:22

You dont have to be on the searchable electoral role, neither of us are but you could find us if you went to our local council and searched the paper role.

So, he could well live with a wife/gf and you wouldnt find out online.

cestlavielife Tue 11-Dec-12 15:45:57

just ask to speak to him then lose the connection (damn those tunnels!) when they put you thru...

Mollydoggerson Tue 11-Dec-12 15:51:09

Does he have a linkedIn profile?

pippilongstockinglondon Tue 11-Dec-12 16:24:40

No, he doesn't have a LinkedIn. I asked him recently why he doesn't have it as I reckon it's a good way of keeping in touch with your contacts and letting everyone know that you're looking to find a new job. He said he cannot be on LinkedIn because he has lied a lot about his jobs. Not the names of the companies or length of employment but the job titles. I actually understand this tactics (not entirely though) as it's sometimes necessary to change your details - especially when applying for very different roles. But how much do you need to lie?!

clam Tue 11-Dec-12 16:27:34

Lied about his jobs? What else does he lie about then, I wonder?

SorryMyCandyCaneLollipop Tue 11-Dec-12 16:31:45

"Lied at lot" hmmm not just about his jobs I'll bet ...

lostconfusedwhatnext Tue 11-Dec-12 16:41:47

Ugh who cares about his silly jobs, he is just horrible. Pippi you are wasting much too much mental energy on this.

You need to:

- 1. [optional] PM me his name and the name of the co. he supposedly works at and I will ring them up for you without it reflecting on you in any way at all. I will either terminate the call when I have established whether he works there or not, or, if you like, if he is there, I will conduct a head hunter type phone interview and get all the facts. This happens all the time, for all he knows I could be real. I will not charge a fee for this ;). Then, whether or not you go ahead with this splendid gratis opportunity,

- 2. [not optional] forget him. Phone a friend, arrange a drinks meet up for tonight or soon, get on with your life, and forget him

snowtunesgirl Tue 11-Dec-12 16:47:56

What lost just said. Is this what you always do this early on in relationships?

expatinscotland Tue 11-Dec-12 16:50:56

Good grief, Pipi, it's only been 8 weeks and it's like this? Don't bother digging anything up, just DUMP.

pippilongstockinglondon Tue 11-Dec-12 16:57:01

No, not really...I'm actually giving it a rest, don't really care that much what he does. Have to concentrate on my job interview, which is this Friday. smile

Pendipidy Tue 11-Dec-12 17:09:22

you can surely see that any reasonable person , not even a boyfriend, would not run away when asked where they live? you realise he has been lying to you about something. are you going to contact him to find out why he ran off ?

pippilongstockinglondon Tue 11-Dec-12 17:29:23

No, I'm not going to contact him. If he has something to say or in case (hmm wonder if that's possible?!) he wants to explain his strange behaviour, then he can phone me...But I have decided that I'm not going to make contact myself and definitely won't be sitting there waiting for him to call either.

Not worth spending more time on thinking about the reasons for his behaviour and actions. Wasted too much time already. As someone in this thread already said in other words, it's not going to change the fact that he is too inconsiderate and mean to be a good partner in life. It's always about him him him anyway.

lostconfusedwhatnext Tue 11-Dec-12 17:31:40

thanks thanks thanks
wine wine wine

AndrewMyrrh Tue 11-Dec-12 17:42:16

I agree, just dump him. No need for sleuthing, proof, or explanations. What an arsehole.

Out of interest, what time did you meet up with him last night?

SomethingProfound Tue 11-Dec-12 18:04:29

Good move pippi, no need to start playing detective, all it will do is drag you deeper into this mentally and emotionally.

Good luck with your interview!

BonzoDooDah Tue 11-Dec-12 18:33:07

Well done Pippi - excellent decision! Stand up for yourself, make the decision yourself and be proud.

Well done Pippi grin

And good luck on that interview!

TweedSlacks Tue 11-Dec-12 21:08:37

Rather too late , and apologies if this has been covered already...

I think from Pippi's information he might very well still be married , maybe with DC's .
He might have been booted out by his STBXW from the marital home for cheating , hence the Mtg . Twuntyman is now renting a room from his 'mate' and its an awkward '3some' in a small 2 bed flat in London.
His bessie mate;s G/F does not like him because he interupts their relationship , and the fact he cheated on his wife and kids . . . .

Skint because of paying mtg and rent plus child maintanence ? Cant cook because dp has done all the washing and cooking for years

LTB and run , dont look back ( hang on.- HE ran. fucking weirdo )

Sorry but sounds like a wanna be cocklodger to me .

LTB

AndrewMyrrh Tue 11-Dec-12 21:17:52

Great post Tweed.

MyLittleFluffball Wed 12-Dec-12 07:44:23

You sound like you're reaching a good headspace regarding this strange man, pippilongstockinglondon. Just way too many red flags for you to even consider him as a long-term prospect. Given this, I agree with those who've said there's no need to try to verify the details he's given you, play detective, etc. I can assure you that he's behaving like he's got something to hide, which means he's lying to you - either overtly or through omission. So I guess any lingering "infatuation" is misplaced anyway, as you don't actually know the man you've been dating!

And I'm so glad that the tone of this thread has changed back to being supportive, which is what you deserve, rather than that crazy tangent of baseless accusations! Even when you know people's comments are totally off-base/unfounded, the insults can still hurt - especially when you're someone who values others' opinions of you/likes to see people happy (as I can certainly attest).

Best wishes to you. smile

legoballoon Wed 12-Dec-12 16:23:33

Definitely just dump and don't expend any more energy on this man. So what if he doesn't have the job he says he has, or if he is married... You already know he is discourteous, tight, misogynistic, and looking for someone to do his washing/ cook him meals/ put out etc. on his terms.

Please listen to your head. Speaking as someone who's been there, pre-Mumsnet, and wishes she'd had such wise and kind advice from other women (and some nice men) all those years ago.

One day you will probably meet a good man, but he ain't it.

"And I'm so glad that the tone of this thread has changed back to being supportive, which is what you deserve, rather than that crazy tangent of baseless accusations!"

Not sure what accusations you're referring to Fluffball... BUT

I do think OP should have a long think about what happened in this relationship - not just about what her boyfriend did, but about what she did. Unless that is she wants to spend the rest of her life skivvying for some man and being treated like a slave by her children.

Pendipidy Sat 15-Dec-12 15:09:13

update?

MushroomSoup Sat 15-Dec-12 17:53:46

How was your job interview yesterday?

AndrewMyrrh Sun 16-Dec-12 20:29:35

Update Pippi?

toucancancan Tue 22-Jan-13 19:57:38

Pippi, can I ask what happened in the end?

prelim29 Tue 22-Jan-13 20:07:59

I must have missed this gripping thread in December - desperate to hear the outcome!

bongobaby Tue 22-Jan-13 20:45:55

Fed and watered from my fridge, never offered to help out. I,m a single mum low earner, he was an analyst on 40k.
Took home from my fridge 2 sauages for his breakfast next day,i had brought to feed dc.
Brought my dc a large packet of crisp some left over, he ate the rest because he had brought them told dc not to have anymore.
Took him out to dinner he sat there and ordered 7 pints of beer with his food.
Wanted lift home from Airport, it was my skint few days before payday asked for tenner petrol said I was taking a fucking liberty asking him for it.
Started his own clothes buisness ran him around suppliers and places in my car, didnt pay for any petrol.
Asked him for a t shirt from his new buisness, held his hand out and charged me for it saying he was not a charity.
Moaned that he would not pay £23 for a meal for 3 of us and I was a mug to do it.
please Pippi tell me you have not hooked up with my ex of 3 years. All of the above is one tight arsehole, maybe it his twin brother!!!!

prelim29 Wed 23-Jan-13 23:22:57

bump for news from OP

schooldays Thu 24-Jan-13 13:14:43

I have been in this situation - and yes he is tight - and he will be tight in other ways too. i remember when my dh and i started dating i noticed he would never leave a tip and other smallish things. then when we started getting more settled we would have dinner in my house alot and i remember asking a friend was it tight that he never even brought as much as a bottle of wine or a packet of biscuits. the writing was on the wall then and i wish said friend would have told me that yes that is a stingy miserable person right there!
anyway i married him and had kids and to say i have had a tough few years would be an understatement.
he will only get worse as the stakes get higher - they always do - so while you might be enjoying his company now and hoping that things will improve or he will change - that wont happen. sorry to be so doom and gloom but i am on very dependent on my dh (not to pay everything to to pay his share) and it is horrible and makes me feel very insecure. always excuses not to pay his part of the electric bill or complaining about the price of everythign.

sorry to be so blunt but dont get involved any further - if you are not mean yourself there is nothing as unattractive and embarrasing as being with a tight wad. there are no excuses.
ps might just be my dh but along with the meaness there was always this retinence to hold back in other areas and whilte lies and pleading poverty - run girl!!

schooldays Thu 24-Jan-13 15:00:24

sorry didnt mean to go on a rant there - to summarise what i am trying to say: yes he is being very tight and to my mind this is a character trait not something to be taken in isolation - and trust me, you can try and get someone to change their behaviour - you can never change their character........ same advice break up with him and find someone with a nicer character

tackies Thu 24-Jan-13 21:13:12

oh he sounds mean, and even if he doesnt know he is being mean it would put me off him, hate mean people, i dont mind peope being careful with money but there is a difference. my husband when I met him, i had an old banger of a car and he was a well paid carpenter, he was only 23 and also i was only with him about 3 months , he handed me 500 quid and said look get that car fixed i dont want you driving around in a death trap. oh it was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for me. And ever since he has more than looked after me, and i in turn look after him, might not work but i do my very best to treat him to nice things. are you going to say something to him?

ConfuzzledMummy Thu 24-Jan-13 21:22:14

He's tight, my ex was like this he'd take me out (which wasnt very bloody often) he'd moan about the price of everything! It is so unattractive. I do believe that in the beginning I think that the man should be a gentleman and pay if he wants to take you out! I dont care if that sounds sexist by the way grin

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 11-Feb-13 15:50:02

Hi everyone,

I´ve been off this site for long. Just wanted to give you an update.

I´m embarrassed to say that I didn´t dump him then, but I eventually did it today - by text. I´ve been really unhappy for the past couple of months and was actually trying to make things work. Didn´t want to be clingy, so tried so hard not to text him or make contact. So I was always in the begging situation and he had control over the relationship.

A few things about him: he never called me (only maybe twice to ask if I was pregnant - his worst fear - after I texted him I needed to talk about something).

I spent Christmas with my family in my home country and never heard from him. I was really upset.

I got him a Christmas present (a Bulgari aftershave), but didn´t get a present myself. Apparently he does not believe in such traditions. :S How cold and uncaring.

As it´s Valentine´s day this Thursday, I asked what he would be doing then and the reply was "nothing, I´ll be working". He only comes round once a week (Saturday), so that was his plan for this weekend as well. Well, not anymore. smile

I was so upset the whole weekend and eventually came to my senses today and made the decision to dump him. My friends are really pleased about this. smile I am crying while writing this, but I know I will be feeling better soon. At least I have great friends to support me.

I am already starting to feel better about myself. Good riddance.

Oh by the way, I got the job I had an interview for back in November last year.

Pippi

wordyBird Mon 11-Feb-13 17:21:21

Congratulations on the new job, pippi!

I'm sorry your ex enjoyed an extra couple of months in your company. You are far too good for him and his odd, selfish, highly suspect behaviour.

On to greater things now smile

GeekLove Mon 11-Feb-13 17:28:48

Well done! Its fine to be miserable after a dumping even when it is so richly deserved!
Oh and congratulations on the job!

Lueji Mon 11-Feb-13 17:31:10

Congratulations. smile

And happy Valentine's. grin

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 11-Feb-13 18:07:04

Thank you guys. I´m going out with a female friend tomorrow to see I Give It Year, I deserve a bit of fun and laughter. Especially after being with the ever-miserable ex. smile

Enjoy Valentine´s!

I´m currently reading this book called Mr Unavailable. He has so many "qualities" described in the book. :D

pippilongstockinglondon Mon 11-Feb-13 18:08:09

I meant I Give It A Year, of course. smile

GeekLove Mon 11-Feb-13 20:48:51

I think that Valentines day should also be for celebrating the fact you are single and not in a shit relationship too.
Have a kick ass Valentines day!

izzyizin Mon 11-Feb-13 21:17:59

You wasted four months on tightass miserable git? Tut, tut. You have got to look to improve on that timing, Pippi.

If you fetch up with another skinflint with moths in his wallet, dump the fucker within 4 days and work towards getting your speed down to 4 hours max grin

foxyfi111 Mon 11-Feb-13 23:23:38

You havent been going out with him very long. It sounds like he's testing you to make sure ur not a gold digger as you have such a salary difference. He has probably had girls take advantage of his generosity in the past and is not keen to repeat that. Wait for him to trust you, then he will be more generous. Try not to moan toooo much about money. Buy little gifts that he doesnt expect, like a CD or something...you might have to do it a few times but after a while he will naturally feel he should return the favour, you will then slowly build up a good trust where you both feel comfortable to buy each other little things within ur budgets and all will be well.

My BF was totally stingey when we first met, he always used to split the bill when he had spent most (im vegetarian). I'd sometimes just make a little comment like - oh maybe £5 less for me look? Paying your way is one thing, but make sure its fair or else he'll think he can get away with it long term. And then make a big splash like - I think I'll get dinner for us tonight darling. He might not be used to that and will hopefully reconsider his attitude.

Dont do his washing for him, you are really not helping yourself with that one!! If you act like his mum he will totally take advantage!!

foxyfi111 Mon 11-Feb-13 23:24:36

Oh damn just saw the last few posts....was a bit slow with my response there!! Too bad sad Maybe he was an arsehole after all

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now