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another suspicious text messages thread

(99 Posts)
unsure2012 Sun 09-Dec-12 06:47:55

Hello - looking for advice here - have seen so many similar MN threads on this topic and now find myself in this position. I know I am going to get advice on here that I need to confront DH but I am not sure I am in the place to do that yet.

Friday night DH had works xmas do - gets in about 1.30am and into bed and falls asleep. All totally expected by me and no problem at all.

Saturday evening I am in the kitchen making a cup of tea. DH's phone is charging up there and it beeps an incoming text message. Phone is right next to me and I look at it, and, being an iphone, the text message is displayed on the screen. text message reads

"please tell me, I'm going mental here".

His phone has been in the charger in the kitchen since about midday and, being an iphone, it displays all the text messages that haven't been opened yet. The message before the one above reads

"oh my god did we um last night?" (left at 4.30 in the afternoon)

This is from a number (so not a name DH has stored in his phone). I now open his iphone (i know the code and he knows mine). I took a photo of the screen (advice gleaned from previous MN threads!) and missed the first one and have now forgotten it but rest of the convo goes:

DH "No waited and waited only left about 45 mins ago"
Mystery Person "Argh how did i stuff that sad "
DH "Dunno literally got a taxi about 1.30 obviously really looked for you :0( "

And then the other nexts Mystery Person sent that afternoon.

I dont say anything and act normal - go to bed mulling it over. DH still hasn't picked phone up from kitchen. Get up at 9am this morning as DH's turn to get up with DC. I take DC out on playdate, get back about 12.30. Check DH's phone and he has replied along lines of "No, sorry for late reply I left my phone at home" (i didn't have time to make a proper note). Not sure what his reply means as he was at home all day.

I went out this afternoon and call the number from a phone box - woman answers and i hang up.

I have never ever had any reasons to suspect or mistrust DH. I know i read his messages, but i couldn't miss the first ones i saw that flashed up on the phone. I know i should tell him what i have seen and get his explanation but not sure i can face it right now. There must be an innocent explanation for thos texts - is there? Even if DH hasn't done anything physical is there some kind of wierd relationship going on between him and this texting woman?

unsure2012 Sun 09-Dec-12 06:50:00

By the way - not in the UK to explain the timelines!

ErikNorseman Sun 09-Dec-12 06:55:41

I'm really sorry, it doesn't look good. You could hang on and try to gather more evidence but you can't just ignore it.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 09-Dec-12 06:57:14

It's not just someone he'd arranged to taxi-share back with, after the do, but she wasnt there/he couldn't find her when taxi waiting?

unsure2012 Sun 09-Dec-12 06:59:55

That would explain the bit about waiting 45 mins I suppose (and make sense - he did get a taxi back). Not sure what the stupid smiley (or sad rather) face DH did was - he never usually does those in texts.

The afternoon texts really concern me - it sounds like if DH didn't do anything bad he may have come close.

ErikNorseman Sun 09-Dec-12 07:04:01

'Did we um'
'Please tell me I'm going mental'
Can't be explained by the taxi share suggestion, but they also don't make much sense. Is she asking whether they did anything because she can't remember? How drunk was she?? It's a bit odd.

PottedShrimp Sun 09-Dec-12 07:06:47

Well, I would keep an eye on the phone for any other messages, or change in his behaviour. Could be to do with missing the taxi, also the bit 'did we um last night' may have been her talking about herself with someone else? I.e asking your dh if he knew/saw her with someone else?

niceupthedance Sun 09-Dec-12 07:10:37

Sounds like she fancies him, but it's not reciprocated. If anything had happened, unlikely he would have left his phone lying around all day.

unsure2012 Sun 09-Dec-12 07:11:29

That's a good point pottedshrimp. And I will definitely be keeping an eye on the phone - it will be unusual if DH suddenly starts keeping it with him so that would be telling in itself.

I have no reason to suspect DH of anything prior to this - so none of this makes much sense and I am glad some of you are coming up with rational and likely explanations.

PottedShrimp Sun 09-Dec-12 07:13:58

agree with niceup - he would have kept the phone close to him if there was anything suspect. Am more convinced that maybe this woman was getting off with his mate, and she is cringing and asking your dh what she got up to.

unsure2012 Sun 09-Dec-12 07:15:17

I would love to know her name! I was hoping to get her voicemail when i called and she would have announced her name in the message.

I would say it is not someone DH knows well, as he has names of so many random people in his phonebook, including people he knew about ten years ago in the UK and hasn't seen since. Unless he is going to great cunning lenghts to keep this person secret which i think is highly unlikely and also wouldn't explain the "did we um?" text.

chubbychipmonk Sun 09-Dec-12 07:17:15

I wouldn't be overly concerned. . If something really bad had happened he certainly wouldn't have left his phone lying about, it would be in his pocket or glued to his side. Think it sounds more to do with taxi sharing & a drunken girl making sure she didn't make an arse of herself. I'd monitor the messages for a while, see of anything else is said and just ask him. . . . Or you could be really sneaky, phone up the number & say to the woman, ' this is xxxx wife, he's just told me everything that's gone on between you two & I'm looking for your side if the story'. . . Sneaky!!
Good luck!

unsure2012 Sun 09-Dec-12 07:19:27

The more I think about it now, the more it sounds like some woman he met through somebody that night who fancied him, got flirty and got his number, and he was proposing to share a taxi home with. Knowing DH, he probably gave her his business card, specially if it was work related that they met.

Does that make sense, or do I sound like I am just sticking my fingers in my ears and ignoring the worst?

toomuchchristmaspudding Sun 09-Dec-12 07:20:51

Do you still have the number? I would be tempted to ask somebody who neither she nor your DH knows to text her, along the lines of: "just to inform you if you don't already know, unsure's DH is married with children. I suggest you find someone else to throw yourself at".

unsure2012 Sun 09-Dec-12 07:21:59

Ah - but his personal mobile number is not on his business card.

unsure2012 Sun 09-Dec-12 07:23:54

Not ready to do a confrontational phone call just yet, chipmonk! And I like the text idea. Will keep that one in mind . . .

ktef Sun 09-Dec-12 07:28:03

Keep an eye on it. But I would point out that the fact that she missed the taxi, and he was looking for her,must mean they weren't actually together at the end of the evening, and doesn't fit with them having some passionate affair or drunk snog. Plus I tend to use smiley faces etc with acquaintances, just coz it's universal text short hand appropriate for a work colleague type person, but I would never use a smiley face with a friend or my husband, it would make me cringe. Obviously that's just me, but might be an explanation that would fit with him just having her number in his phone rather than having named her as a contact. But there are also more suspicious interpretations of all this so I would keep an eye on his phone and his attitude. It doesn't sound like he is very keen if there is something going on...

unsure2012 Sun 09-Dec-12 07:36:36

He has just phoned. He has been out with friends (no uncertainty there) and is on his was back a lot earlier than I expected - it is 8.30pm here. He sounded as normal and in a good mood - he is bringing me back food, which is good.

I think I am going to have to keep an eye on this - thanks so much for all the messages and giving me some perspective on it.

BaublesJanson Sun 09-Dec-12 08:03:06

Just ask him!

Proudnscaryvirginmary Sun 09-Dec-12 08:13:46

No don't ask him because then you will never know the truth if something is afoot.

If it was me, I'd observe his behaviour and keep checking his phone messages.

Can you phone her late at night when you are more likely to get her voicemail? Obviously I wouldn't advise doing this more than once as it could be seen as harassment and might spook a potentially innocent woman!!

I do think it's suspicious to be honest. But agree he doesn't seem that keen.

greeneyed Sun 09-Dec-12 08:20:07

Do ask him, if this was a drunken near miss then confronting him could nip any potential repeat in the bud - don't see the point in giving him enough rope for things to develop than having a whole bigger mess to deal with.

AViewfromtheFridge Sun 09-Dec-12 08:20:55

Sounds like perhaps she made a move, which she dimly remembers, hence the "did we um" bit. Also agree that he doesn't sound interested - I've used the old "left my phone at home" excuse many a time!

You could say something like "I was making a cup of tea when I saw a message come up, for a moment my heart was in my mouth then I realised it'll just be someone from work - did you leave them there? What a shame! Haha." Kind of jokey but you can see what he says and perhaps mark his card a bit.

mirai Sun 09-Dec-12 09:45:32

Umm I don't understand the people who are saying they wouldn't be worried by this, I'm sorry OP.

She's asking if they got up to stuff, he says no although he did wait around for her, she replies disappointedly asking how she could have missed the chance. He replies that he had to get a taxi, but really waited and looked for her, 'obviously'. And people wouldn't be concerned? sad

unsure2012 Sun 09-Dec-12 23:37:56

Thanks for the replies - sorry for the delay - I was trying to access mn from my phone and it wasn't working and then I realised it was because I had name changed!

He seemed fairly normal last night. Ivan going to try to get hold of his phone tonight and have a nose.

unsure2012 Sun 09-Dec-12 23:38:28

I am - not Ivan!

themaltesecat Mon 10-Dec-12 00:48:51

I'm with mirai, this is definiteyl dodgy.

Best case: she is pursuing him and he isn't interested, but in that situation I'd still expect my husband to tell me something.

mirai Mon 10-Dec-12 04:09:45

Have you found anything unsure?

TinyDancingHoofer Mon 10-Dec-12 04:36:24

I'd say there's an innocent explanation. If he were supposed to meet up with a woman but didn't, then he'd have messaged her a lot sooner or at least have been keeping an eye on his phone. Unless you already have suspicions then i wouldn't worry.

charlieandthechocolatecake Mon 10-Dec-12 04:40:47

I think the "did we um" part cancels out any innocent misunderstanding.

Sorry OP

unsure2012 Mon 10-Dec-12 05:29:40

No update yet. 6.30 pm here - DH cooking tea in the kitchen listening to pod casts so will have to wait a wee while yet before I can get to the phone.

Thanks again for the messages. I think I would have gone mad by now mulling this over on my own.

unsure2012 Mon 10-Dec-12 06:34:11

Well he's deleted the incriminating messages. There are now only two texts between him and that number. One from him sent last Friday at 1.33 pm saying "hello! Fancy meeting for lunch next week?" and her reply which says "hello. Sorry I meant to email you today but it was manic! smile " which was sent at 6.30 tonight.

I am going to have to confront him on this, aren't I? Why did he delete those messages and why doesn't he have her saved as a contact in his phone?

I may set my alarm tonight and call the number in the early hours and hope I get her voicemail where she gives her name.

SomersetONeil Mon 10-Dec-12 06:40:39

I'm sorry, it sounds dodgy to me as well...

"please tell me, I'm going mental here" and "oh my god did we um last night?"

One or the other by themselves would be pretty hard to explain away, but perhaps could be done. The two of them together? hmm Very suspicious.

I'm sorry. I hope you're able to get to the bottom of it.

SomersetONeil Mon 10-Dec-12 06:48:54

And... I have to be honest... If I found myself setting my alarm and calling numbers from my husband's phone in the middle of the night, I'd be forced to acknowledge to myself that things were in a downward slide...

Don't get me wrong. I don't think you're silly for wanting to do so - but... I dunno. I'd just rather talk to him about and try to get to the bottom of it legitimately with a bit of non-stalker-related dignity intact.

You know him better than anyone. I mean, unless he's actually really quite a nasty person, a highly accomplished liar with a distinct need to pull the wool over your eyes, then you're going to know in your gut if he's being fully open and truthful with you. If you sense he's not, then all is not well and yes, it maybe it is time to employ stealth methods.

I remember telling DH about an ex of mine snooping on my phone and he said that if the two of us were to ever get to the point of snooping on each other's phones, then things would have to be pretty bad. I don't disagree.

Again, I get why people may feel they have to do it. But if you have to do it, then in my opinion you have a pretty unhappy situation on your hands, regardless...

My advice would be to give him an opportunity to be honest with you before you go into detective mode.

CabbageLeaves Mon 10-Dec-12 06:54:29

Doesn't sound a definite dodgy exchange to me. If he'd done anything to be worried about no way would he have left his phone as he did

unsure2012 Mon 10-Dec-12 07:01:07

Thanks somerset. That's given me somethings to think about. I should be able to talk openly with him about this. I am just not sure how to start the conversation.

SomersetONeil Mon 10-Dec-12 07:12:17

That totally depends, CabbageLeaves, on the type of relationship you have.

If you're a nosey type and regularly manhandle your partner's phone and go through it, then no, he probably wouldn't risk leaving it unguarded. If you both have zero interest in each other's phones and barely register their existence, then why would he need to keep it attached to him?

2012 - I'd pretty much open it up the way you did here - by saying that his phone went and you saw the messages. Just be honest you weren't snooping. You did nothing wrong. But now you're worried, however you're sure there's a rationale explanation and you'd just like the reassurance from him.

Given that you can't un-know what you know, you want to do the decent thing and rather than start snooping know, you're sime asking him about it.

You're being utterly reasonable. If he reacts as if you're not, well, maybe you do have something to worry about. If you were to go in snooping before talking to him, you'd lose a bit of the moral high ground. This way you don't.

Good luck. smile

ErikNorseman Mon 10-Dec-12 07:14:46

Cabbageleaves people forget! I found out about my H's affair from a text that I read when he left his phone out, it's really common. He has been deleting messages as he went but he just forgot to keep his phone with him.

Distrustinggirlnow Mon 10-Dec-12 07:15:20

Yes. OP in an ideal world you would be able to talk about this openly, but in an ideal world you wouldn't have to as it wouldn't be happening.
If he has a friendship of any description with someone else, that he suspects you wouldn't be comfortable with, as soon as you mention it he will deny everything and delete all messages and emails.
You could try it and if he has nothing to hide he will immediately show you the messages and tell you all about her.
If it were me I would look at his emails as there was a reference to wanting to send one but it being 'manic'.....
No one wants to turn into a private detective but IME they deny and delete and then you are left never really knowing......
It's not a deal breaker for everyone, it wasn't for me, but I still had to know.
Hope you are ok. Sending you a brew as its too early for wineand a <<<OP>>>
Thinking of you
Xxxx

CabbageLeaves Mon 10-Dec-12 07:21:42

Fair enough Erik but its not the usual behaviour of a cheater

I delete my messages all the time (fitting the behaviour of a cheater!) I'm just an avid declutterer grin

ZenNudist Mon 10-Dec-12 07:52:17

Unsure poor you it's a real worry. Deleting messages & not putting her name in, incriminating, even if she hadn't asked about 'um'. Now he's making plans with her! I was going to say confront him as it sounded like you trusted him and he could talk to you and be honest. But now it's starting to sound like the way lots of these threads play out. Sorry sad. Might be best to use this time to gather more evidence, before he starts covering tracks even more. Watch out for him saving her name as 'Dave' or equivalent!

unsure2012 Mon 10-Dec-12 08:09:01

Well I just asked him (along the lines suggested above). I said I saw a couple of texts that me worried. I asked if he knew which texts I meant and he said no.

So I told him what I saw and he said something along the lines of "oh yes I had a weird random texts off someone I don't know. I deleted them".

I think this is my answer. He must be lying as I know he sent other texts to this person, including the one sent on Friday about lunch and then the taxi ones that got deleted.

I am just sitting at one end of the sofa stunned. I still can't quite believe the worst. What the sweet fuck do I do now. All my family are 12,000 miles away and no close friends here. I'm not sure if I have caught him at the start of anything or something has been going on for a while. (if anything).

I don't want to be on my own here, but I wouldnt want to take the DC back to the UK without their Dad.

clam Mon 10-Dec-12 08:18:18

What about saying, "No, that doesn't make sense. How come you replied to them?"

CabbageLeaves Mon 10-Dec-12 08:18:46

sad

I'm sorry. That is an out and out lie

ErikNorseman Mon 10-Dec-12 08:19:21

I'm sorry sad he's lying through his teeth.
My advice - hold your fire until you have thought it through a bit. Make sure you know what your bottom line is. Then find a time when you are both calm and uninterrupted and tell him you know he is lying. Offer him a chance to tell the truth. It may be that it was drunk flirting that went too far and he's embarrassed, and thinks that he can ignore it and it will go away. Whatever happens, if he doesn't come clean then you are stuffed.
Email those pics to an address that he doesn't know about too, so he can't get to them.

SomersetONeil Mon 10-Dec-12 08:19:54

I'm so sorry unsure.

He is clearly lying. You did the right thing by giving him the benefit of the doubt.

He has responded by lying to you. There could have been a rationale explanation for this and if there was, he'd have given it to you. Instead, he chose to lie.

I'm not sure what time of day it is where you are. Can you sleep on it?

unsure2012 Mon 10-Dec-12 08:24:41

It is 9.20 here so bed time soon. I am going to see if his phone stays any closer to him now! Think he is being short with me now and trying to make me feel like a suspicious shrew of a snooping wife. I asked what he would think if he saw texts like that on my phone and just said "I wouldn't look"

SomersetONeil Mon 10-Dec-12 08:32:49

"I wouldn't look" - that is such a telling response... Um, not the things to be focusing on, given that you were not snooping...

If these actually were random texts from an unknown, he would not be responding like that. Do not allow him to turn this around and make you out to be the one in the wrong here.

I'm guessing you're actually in the same country as me, given the time. I'm going to bed myself now but please feel free to PM me if you need to tomorrow our day time.

You haven't done anything wrong here. He has. I would really try to get some sleep and see how things look tomorrow. He knows he's been rumbled, and the way he behaves from here on in will be your guide on how to tackle this.

Un-MN (((hugs)))

mirai Mon 10-Dec-12 08:35:12

I'm with clam - just tell him straight back that of course he knows her as he replied to her. Of course he's being short with you as he's got caught and is feeling guilty. I'm so sorry sad By the way I'm only an hour behind you so I should be around if you need to talk at an 'odd' time!

unsure2012 Mon 10-Dec-12 08:41:41

Thanks all. It really does help sharing this with somebody and getting kind words from strangers, so thank you.

DH gone to bed now with a migraine.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 10-Dec-12 08:49:49

sad

Does not look good now that he's lied about the texts and instead of reassuring you, he is being short with you and has gone to bed with a "migraine" to avoid you.

All are classic behaviours of a guilty person.

Hi unsure. I havent any wise advice but just wanted to let you know I think I am probably in the same country as you so any help you might need please let me know.

ivykaty44 Mon 10-Dec-12 09:06:31

The fact he is now lying about the texts makes it worse. I guess he siad the first stupid excuse that came into his head - some random texts - not knowing of course that you know he has been having a text conversation with these random text.

At this point he could have been honest which would be much easier - but now I am afraid it is a trust issue and you need to decide whether you can live with not knowing whether he is being truthful or not in your day to day life. Added to which you need to decide whether to let him know you'r not as stupid to believe the random text thing.

I would call his bluff - ok I have the number here lets telephone it and see if the person on the other end knows you or not? As I don't believe the random number story...

Then watch him shit himself.

sad

Tobermory Mon 10-Dec-12 09:08:22

Unsure, this is not looking good.

So sorry sad

CajaDeLaMemoria Mon 10-Dec-12 09:10:45

Has he taken his phone with him?

You don't tend to need your phone when you've got a migraine. Especially if you usually leave it out.

You've got nothing to lose now. Go and find him, tell him that you know he knows her. Don't explain. Tell him that you know more than he thinks, and that it's time he started talking.

Then see what he says. Hopefully you know enough to see if it's outright lies he comes out with, or not.

You've already hit that point of no return. You may as well find out what you are dealing with. If he's honest, you can try and talk through it, at least for your own piece of mind. If he lies, than you'll know that he's hiding more. There would be no point in continuing to lie if you already know everything.

And if you don't find anything out from him, call the number. Preferably from his phone. Or get him to call it, on speakerphone. Her response will be very telling.

TalkativeJim Mon 10-Dec-12 09:23:11

Hang on, where are you? It sounds as if you are a Brit in Australia - 12,000 miles away from home? If so, please be aware that depending on your status you may not be able to take the children out of the country if he doesn't agree.

I know that's thinking a long way ahead and hope it doesn't apply to you anyway, but just for you to factor it in and think what your approach might be before you even put him on the alert that you might leave over this.

I'm so sorry by the way.

LoopsInHoops Mon 10-Dec-12 09:32:29

Well, he has lied, so I think it's time to gather as much info as you possibly can.

MadSleighLady Mon 10-Dec-12 09:54:36

I'm only going off other similar threads myself, OP, so might not have a clue, but if I had to bet money I'd say not much has happened yet. That "bright and breezy" lunch text she sent today (or yesterday by now for you), that sounds to me like she's using any excuse to contact him, and this is all at an early stage. A scant day after that breathless allusive conversation about taxis and "um", and suddenly she's all "oh hiiiiya, been meaning to answer your email from last week but I've been sooooo busy!" I was subtler than that at 15.

It's not encouraging that he is lying though. He's clearly a bit cross and embarrassed, but whether it's because he massively regrets whatever happened/nearly happened or because he was quite enjoying a little will-we-won't-we fantasy it's hard to say without more info. And he's not being remotely helpful there. sad So at this point, I would snoop.

fiventhree Mon 10-Dec-12 10:09:18

Op, that is exactly what my h said and did for years to me:

"Think he is being short with me now and trying to make me feel like a suspicious shrew of a snooping wife. I asked what he would think if he saw texts like that on my phone and just said "I wouldn't look".

He is controlling you by making very clear his disapproval with you for what you did wrong.

That means he is a cheat, then a liar, and now someone who blames you for finding out.

clam Mon 10-Dec-12 10:58:07

For "gone to bed with a migraine," I would read "gone to get away from you so he can get his story straight in his head."

Gay40 Mon 10-Dec-12 12:46:12

If you have got to the point of checking text messages, your relationship is in trouble already, regardless of what might be going on.
As for classic behaviours, all these must be taken in context of the person you know. I display all the classic signs put forward in this thread with the main difference being a) I'm not cheating and b) DP could look at my phone at any time, have it for the day etc.

Kahlua4me Mon 10-Dec-12 13:33:12

I feel so sad that this has happened to you, nobody deserves to go through such anguish.
Now that you are here though you need to go right through with it and get the truth.
Don't let him shift the blame by saying you should not have looked at his phone. If he has nothing to hide why would it bother him and surely he would be telling you about these bizarre texts.
Let him know that you know he is lying about not knowing the person, and also that you need the truth.
I would be tempted to send a text from his phone suggesting meeting up and asking what they fancy doing, just to see what the response is, but maybe that isn't a good way to deal with it. You need to get the truth from him really.

Wishing you strength.

forgetmenots Mon 10-Dec-12 14:16:00

Does he have his phone with him? I suffer from migraines. Can barely look at my phone when I have one.

I agree with all those saying that checking messages shows a problem but you didn't go snooping. And he is lying.

If it were me I would ask him straight 'why are you lying'

clam Mon 10-Dec-12 14:35:16

Gay If she'd been activuely scrolling through his messages for anything dodgy, then perhaps. But she wasn't snooping. The phone was out on the side next to her, charging, and she could see the message on the screen as it came through. She glanced at it in passing and saw something odd.
Entirely different.

Battlefront Mon 10-Dec-12 14:44:32

Well, I was going to say the lunch thing proves nothing much is going on. IME if you're having a passionate affair, you don't receive a text on Friday suggesting lunch and forget to answer it until the following week.

Also the time he came home earlier than you expected - even if he wasn't with her, finding himself free unexpectedly, when you weren't expecting him home would have been a perfect opportunity and he didn't take it.

Unfortunately though you do know he's lied, maybe more because he thinks it looks bad rather than is bad itswim? Maybe they have been/are on the brink of something which is why he doesn't want to explain himself?

AndrewMyrrh Mon 10-Dec-12 17:44:17

He is lying.

This is how it looks to me:

'Did we 'um'?' This means that they haven't already. That at least is good.
Sounds like they have both majorly flirted at the Xmas do, with perhaps a bit more.
She has followed it up with the texts, indicating that she is interested.
He then takes the bait, and suggests lunch next week.
She delays a response, trying not to look too needy (or because she has been busy over the weekend with her own family), then sends text on Monday about manic day.

So he is on the cusp of starting an affair. You ask him about it, and his reaction is firstly to lie by claiming no knowledge of the person, then to blame you for looking.

Only he knows if this is the first time he has had an affair, or if he has done it before.

I'd be dragging the truth out of him, and not giving him the opportunity to get his story straight, delete further evidence, and warn this woman. Sorry you are going through this.

Bloody Xmas parties - I was at mine on Friday several married colleagues were snogging. Mot a great way to cement respect at work.

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Mon 10-Dec-12 18:03:31

Very sorry, the uncertainty and suspicion is relentless when you start to wonder.

Talking of pictures I know you were referring to screenshots but is there any way of seeing photos from the Christmas do, someone usually posts them on social networking sites?

clam Mon 10-Dec-12 18:20:11

Yes, and look at the people in the background of the pics.

MadSleighLady Mon 10-Dec-12 18:22:17

He then takes the bait, and suggests lunch next week.

OP said this happened "last Friday" at 1pm. So before the Xmas party. It is the woman who has followed it up today, a bit randomly after the "um" conversation, which is why I think she's being a bit desperate. Otherwise agree with your summary though.

SomersetONeil Mon 10-Dec-12 18:35:55

How are you feeling this morning unsure?

lunar1 Mon 10-Dec-12 18:42:05

Sorry this is happening unsure, hope you got some sleep last might

unsure2012 Mon 10-Dec-12 18:51:05

Hello. Morning here now.

Yes - DH sent the lunch one on Friday. She sent the one about meaning to email him yesterday evening. The strange weekend texts in between had vanished.

I find it really hard to believe anything has happened (yet) and DH is now punishing me for not trusting him and is going to play the injured party.

I am in New Zealand by the way - DH and I both have dual citizenship. There is no way I would take the DC back to the UK without him as it wouldn't be fair on them or him.

I think I am just going to have to monitor this - I know all his computer/facebook passwords etc but I really don't want to snoop so am not going to go that far. As i said, it will be telling now if he suddenly starts keeping his phone close to him.

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Mon 10-Dec-12 19:33:53

He can play the injured party all he wants, if he hadn't been so obtuse this all could have been straightened out already. Let's suppose it is all quite innocent, what is easier, discussing some business contact flirting with him or huffing off to bed with a migraine? Btw if you do contemplate sex with him better be safe and take precautions, that should refocus his mind.

SugaricePlumFairy Mon 10-Dec-12 19:43:13

How is he punishing you, is he giving you the silent treatment?

mrsEbruce Mon 10-Dec-12 19:55:49

Unsure, only you can decide what you should do, what you thinks went on in this situation at the end of the day only you know your husband and your marraige on this site. Though great to vent and ask advice if find the comments degrading this couples marraige, her husband inapproprieate this is a family so people reading between the lines and presuming things isnt the best way to go.

I hope all works out for you

AgathaHoHoHo Mon 10-Dec-12 19:57:26

I've just read this thread and wanted to say I really hope it is innocent, although it doesn't look great at the moment for you.

Does he generally do the punishing thing when you have done something he doesn't agree with?

I think I would be tempted to just say that you need to clear something up, that you know he replied to the texts, and you are now wondering why he lied and what it means. You saw the first text innocently, it's hardly surprising you looked for the others in the circumstances. He has lied - that is a fact that you are aware of. He can't take the moral high ground on you looking at his phone from his position of lying.

unsure2012 Mon 10-Dec-12 20:35:26

I mean punishing as in he will play on the fact I didn't trust him and looked at the messages on his phone display and had to ask about them. He probably thinks I shouldn't even of had to ask.

Sorry - in work now but will pop in and out - trying to stay sane and level headed at the moment!

AndrewMyrrh Mon 10-Dec-12 20:37:33

Pointing out the facts that he has lied, and then has blamed the OP for looking in the first place isn't reading between the lines though.

OP asked for views on whether the exchanges were dodgy and people have provided their views. Not degrading or inappropriate IMO.

carlywurly Mon 10-Dec-12 20:48:18

The defensive behaviour rings bells for me.

It's classic guilty party behaivour to make you feel as though you're in the wrong for asking. You aren't - he should want to make you feel at ease in your marriage, not admonish you for questioning him.

I hate these games. It can be extremely damaging as you start to doubt yourself. Your instincts are right, and i really hope it turns out to be a storm in a teacup. It's far better that you are aware if there is something on the horizon, and it sounds as though you need to build some walls up round your marriage pretty quickly. That isn't your sole responsiblity though.

I'd be letting your DH know what he stands to lose if this turns out to be anything sinister - I definitely wouldn't just ignore it. (voice of experience)

Gay40 Mon 10-Dec-12 21:24:43

If he was hiding anything, would he have left the phone out for her to see, and left the settings in place which display the message - because those settings can be changed.
Just a thought.

SomersetONeil Tue 11-Dec-12 02:25:28

But he clearly is hiding something, Gay.

He's claiming the person is an unknown - but he's conversed with them - replied to texts about meeting up, etc. He knows who this person is, but has lied to unsure - and given the nature of the exchanges ('I'm going mental here', 'did we um?' 'I waited and waited', 'I really tried to find you', etc) this is now cause for genuine concern on her part.

A lot of men aren't exactly James Bond when it comes to covering their tracks and ensuring they don't get caught. The fact that he didn't have the nous to change his phone settings doesn't mean a great deal, other than he's perhaps not practiced in this. Which is something...

unsure - all I can say is do not allow him to twist this around and make you out to be the one in the wrong here. You did nothing wrong by noticing he messages when the beeped in. You did not go snooping. You now cannot un-know what you know.

Do you think he is going to hope you don't raise it again, and sweep it under the carpet? Can you do that?

Mimishimi Tue 11-Dec-12 05:37:28

It's definitely the lying about her being an unknown which would have me VERY worried, not so much the text messages themselves. Does he know that you took screenshots of them as well as reading them. If I were you I'd make several backups of those immediately and also watch his phone behaviour very carefully. He may even get another phone so something to keep in mind. gathering more 'evidence' might be a bit more difficult now that he knows you are onto him but if you do find another phone, chances are the pincode will be exactly the same or something quite obvious (a birthday etc). Good luck and hopefully it's just a storm in a teacup.

CabbageLeaves Tue 11-Dec-12 07:10:15

Can they be changed on an iPhone Gay? I was under h impression they couldn't. (It's very frustrating). No secrets from my DD!

Whilst a agree completely about leaving his phone out why then lie about what she saw?

toomuchchristmaspudding Tue 11-Dec-12 07:15:20

I would call her. I would say: "my husband says you've been relentlessly pursuing him, but he's not interested". See what she says. If they have been having an affair, I am sure she would take great delight in telling you.

So sorry you are going through this, by the way.

BluelightsAndSirens Tue 11-Dec-12 07:38:48

I agree with toomuch, I did exactly the same thing, I called and said you do realise xx has a wife and children and has said you are obsessed with him and keep texting all the time even though he has asked you to stop.
How did you get his number in the first place.

OW spilled.

carmenelectra Tue 11-Dec-12 07:43:41

I was hoping that there was an innocent explanation for all of this and it seemed a possibilty, up until the point where he lied about the messages being from someone random.

Now me being me, I would have blown up there and then and told him I knew he was lying because I had read the lot. In fact, it wouldn't have gone on so long if it were me. I'd have confronted him the moment I read the texts. I could not go about my daily business with that hanging over me head. Going to work with a knot in my stomach.

The very least I'd be doing though is gathering more evidence and snooping. OP you say you have acess to computer and passwords. I'd bloody well use em. He has no right to feel wounded for you spying if there is something going on. Wouldn't he want to know if you were making a mug of him? If there is nothing going on then fair enough, but why the bullshit about the txts?

I think some people maybe would just rather not know or be afraid of confrontation. Personally I could not be in a relationship like that.

MusicForTheMasses Tue 11-Dec-12 07:50:21

I always thought I would be that person too Carmen. The reality of your whole world apparently falling apart in front of your eyes is a completely different one though.

OP my STBXH denied it, even though I had the proof in front of me. I waited until I had undeniable proof (luckily a matter of days) as I knew that he would play mind games with me otherwise. The reactions you are experiencing don't sound good, sorry.

ErikNorseman Tue 11-Dec-12 08:06:46

The number of people who find things out by their partners leaving phones within reach - the fact that he didn't hide the phone does not = nothing to hide. False logic.

MusicForTheMasses Tue 11-Dec-12 08:09:57

I didn't even find anything on my ex's phone, nothing. The fact that he had deleted EVERYTHING off there was a sign, he's a complete technophobe so only to delete everything, not individual messages lol. I found out 2 days later when I looked at his laptop, in the deleted items folder. He'd deleted but forgotten to empty that folder.

Gay40 Tue 11-Dec-12 08:51:06

The lying is the big red flag. And very stupid.

unsure2012 Tue 11-Dec-12 19:51:35

Hello all - sorry for delay in getting back again. I couldn't get the mn app working last night and didn't want to go on home lap top.

Well yesterday DH got an early train home with me and brought up this subject. He said he knew he had messages her back but he was really embarrassed by her texts andthat there had been some very drunk flirting between them at the work do (she is apparently a work colleague) and he has told her to back off.

I am coming down on the side of believing him because 1) as I said, never had a reason to mistrust him before 2) I sort out all our finances and pay all our bills and credit cards and I have never seen any suspicious transactions or money I can't account for and 3) If he is having an affair I don't know when he is doing it as he rarely goes out without us.

I think the worst he may have done was a drunken snog, and to be honest I wouldn't end a 16 year relationship with two children over that.

I am going to keep a close watch on things though.

Many thanks to everyone for your support - really hope I have got it right here.

carmenelectra Tue 11-Dec-12 20:00:38

So he brought up the subject without any prompting and fessed up? Did you quiz him at all or just accept what he said and leave it at that?

clam Tue 11-Dec-12 20:14:16

Well, as others have pointed out, the nature of the texts don't suggest something of long-standing so you may be right. Let's hope that this has been a shot across the bows for him, anyway and anything that might possibly have brewed has been shot out of the water.

Good luck.

AndrewMyrrh Tue 11-Dec-12 20:20:34

Unsure, I am glad to hear your update. Given the information on here, I tend to believe his account. Thank goodness he had the balls to fess up. If he hadn't, and continued lying and trying to blame you, I think things would be looking very different.

I hope he apologised to you, not just for the drunken flirting, but also by trying to twist it to make it your fault.

unsure2012 Tue 11-Dec-12 20:31:15

Yes he was apologetic about it all and we had a good chat about it. As I said I will be keeping an eye on things for a while, but hopefully there will be no shocking updates to this thread!

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Tue 11-Dec-12 20:31:55

Best to talk things over, rather than delay and brood or flounce upstairs. Very glad he brought up the subject and it's sorted, all the best.

MadSleighLady Tue 11-Dec-12 20:50:56

That does fit with his next-day texts back (and her more full-on texts to him). Hopefully a wake up call for him. smile

SomersetONeil Tue 11-Dec-12 21:06:39

That sounds like a really good outcome. The fact that he brought the subject up and didn't continue to twist it around putting the blame on you for (not) 'snooping' or continue to lie is good.

It's not in the slightest bit unusual for people in long-term relationships to have their eye turned - we're only human and of course people notice other people. This - whatever it was, something or nothing - sounds like it was only in its very early days and the best you can hope for is that it would never have eventuated even without your knowledge of the whole thing. Hopefully he would have told the other woman to back off without any prompting. It's definitely a lesson learnt, anyway.

Well done for confronting and getting to the bottom of it and discussing it like rationale adults. smile

AgathaHoHoHo Wed 12-Dec-12 07:34:48

Sounds like a good outcome. Hopefully that is the sum of it to date, and the end of it too.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 12-Dec-12 19:37:35

Glad it turned out ok - I would have a look at this link and discuss boundaries with your DH.

www.shirleyglass.com/book.htm

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