Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

DP has been acting like a nasty horny teenager.

(102 Posts)
WhatsHappenedToHim Sat 08-Dec-12 00:03:12

I've name changed because he knows my nn.

My dp has been acting very strangely recently. Every time there's an underwear advert, pretty tame sex scene, nipples showing through a shirt or anything slightly sexual on tv he will be completely engrossed and stop what hes doing to watch, I cant say or do anything to break his gaze. Hes never been like this before but hes acting like a horny teenage virgin or something.

He wont go anywhere near me though!

I had a baby a few months ago so understandably I have a wobbly stomach. Hes poked it a few times calling it podgy or made comments that I'm fat (Ive lost about 2 and a half stone so far PP and a stone away from pre pregnancy weight, 8.5 stone) When he sees that hes offended me he would quickly say he was joking and give me a hug, even though he rarely hugs me any other time. Again this is so out of character.

Hes also made comments about women at work being 'fit' or when he sees a pretty women will say 'she'd get it'

The worst thing of all is how flippant he is about the bad things I've been through in the past (abuse, rape etc.) He will rarely say things about my situation personally but will comment on other women who have been in those circumstances and joke. When he does joke about me personally he will say things like 'Poor little privileged girl had such a difficult life boohoo'

Why has he turned into this nasty person? He was nothing like this before.

defineme Sat 08-Dec-12 00:08:45

I don't know, but the final comment about 'poor...' makes me very very sad for you and makes me think that you are in a very bad situation. The people that love you do not not say that sort of stuff to you-enemies wouldn't say that shit.

What do you say when he says that?

ArmyOfPenguins Sat 08-Dec-12 00:11:53

He has a sense of male entitlement and collective male guilt, and rather than address it and take responsibility he finds it easier to get angry with you?

A theory anyway. It must be horrible. I'm sorry.

BertieBotts Sat 08-Dec-12 00:14:30

Wow, that's really nasty sad Was he definitely nothing like this before? Even if it was at other people but not at you? It seems strange that he would suddenly change to acting like this if he was normal and respectful before.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 08-Dec-12 00:16:12

He's a vile jumped-up little man

You don't want to stay with him, do you ?

SirBoobAlot Sat 08-Dec-12 00:16:15

Oh you poor thing, that sounds utterly vile to be dealing with sad

How is he towards your baby?

It sounds as though since you had the baby he has switched how he sees you from a lover to the mother of his child.

Tbh I could go on about how men react to babies sometimes but I wont. Because none of it is an excuse and he sounds utterly vile.

Can you sit down with him and explain how his behaviour makes you feel? Do you think he will listen?

If he continues after you have talked with him I urge you to get out of this relationship. This is emotional abuse and it will escalate.

Congratulations on your baby smile

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 08-Dec-12 00:18:04

Diminishing you and disengaging himself from your relationship are often signs his attention is elsewhere ie. another woman.

aprilrain Sat 08-Dec-12 00:22:01

How long have you been together?

If my DH commented on my post baby tummy overhang I'd be apoplectic.

I'm currently 3 stones heavier than when he met me and I've been even heavier. Plus the baby belly. And the wrinkles. But he makes me feel nothing less than attractive and desirable.

I feel really angry for you actually.

AgnesBligg Sat 08-Dec-12 00:24:01

He's a charmer isn't he? I don't know how he was 'before' - when before dc or right back at the beginning? - but yes he is behaving like an arsehole right now.
How horrible for you.

and 'Poor little privileged girl had such a difficult life boohoo' - fuck off with that. angry

ChippingInAWinterWonderland Sat 08-Dec-12 00:25:27

Jesus wept - why are you still with this tosser? It doesn't matter that he's covered this up in the past - he is now showing his nasty true colours.

Do you rent/own the place you live in?

Who do you have nearby who could help you?

ChippingInAWinterWonderland Sat 08-Dec-12 00:27:02

Can you sit down with him and explain how his behaviour makes you feel? Do you think he will listen?

Wannabe - you have to be joking. He is treating her rape/abuse as a joke FGS.

DontForgetTheSproutsLawrence Sat 08-Dec-12 00:29:41

He sounds utterly delightful hmm

Do you really want this to be your life?

WhatsHappenedToHim Sat 08-Dec-12 00:30:07

When he says these things I've been speechless to be honest, I normally ignore him, but he doesn't notice I've not replied. Hes usually doing something else when he says things like that.

He's never been like this before and he gets along with his ex's so I don't think they have experienced it. He used to be very good looking but hes put on loads of weight recently and doesn't take care of himself anymore, so it could be that hes trying to make me as self conscious as he is.

Hes completely loving and brilliant with the baby. Alot of the time hes fine and perfectly normal but will drop these little comments in out of nowhere.

wannabe I have mentioned a few times that hes changed and its upsetting but I will need to have a proper sit down with him with no distractions.

AnyFucker I've been feeling like this could be the case recently but I've snooped about and found nothing. He was funny about me looking at his camera pictures the other day though

DontForgetTheSproutsLawrence Sat 08-Dec-12 00:34:27

When he says these things I've been speechless to be honest, I normally ignore him, but he doesn't notice I've not replied. Hes usually doing something else when he says things like that.

^^ Read that again, as if you had not posted it yourself.

He might be brilliant with a baby - what about you?

WhatsHappenedToHim Sat 08-Dec-12 00:34:38

Oh dear I missed a few replies.

We've been together for 2 years. I've not left him because this is really recent. I cant get my head around it.

I rent and no I don't have anyone around, I don't have family or friends anymore.

SirBoobAlot Sat 08-Dec-12 00:34:55

If he's stopped taking care of himself, and is being so utterly horrible to you, do you think its possible he is depressed?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 08-Dec-12 00:35:38

Other woman (women) or not, this bloke is acting like a cunt, and you should not tolerate it

he can be a "ggod dad" away from you

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 08-Dec-12 00:35:45

good

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 08-Dec-12 00:37:07

oh, fgs

being "depressed" does not impel people to make cuntish remarks about his partners history of rape and sexual abuse against her

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 08-Dec-12 00:37:43

has he driven your family and friends away, OP ?

WhatsHappenedToHim Sat 08-Dec-12 00:39:57

I'm pretty sure he is depressed, I've told him to go to the doctors and he makes appointments and then doesn't turn up. He has some issues to do with sexual abuse when he was younger (he only brought it up once and never again) so I don't understand how he can joke about it.

SirBoobAlot Sat 08-Dec-12 00:40:07

Being depressed does impel people to sabotage their relationships, try to pick fights and to hate pretty much everything though.

I've already said above that its vile behavior. And I'm not excusing it. But if he's stopping taking care of himself, has put on weight, and has a sudden behavioral change, the depression could be a reason.

WhatsHappenedToHim Sat 08-Dec-12 00:41:59

No, I've never got along with my family. I don't have friends because I moved away and I haven't had a chance to meet anyone here.

ChippingInAWinterWonderland Sat 08-Dec-12 00:46:56

Well, if I were you, I'd pack everything up when he's out and go to a friends where I used to live and sort myself out from there. Two years isn't very long and clearly he's been able to hide what a prize wanker he actually is.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, especially when you've just had a baby sad But you can't live like this.

SirBoobAlot Sat 08-Dec-12 00:48:09

Do you think maybe he's struggling with his own issues with sexual abuse right now? I have a friend who was a victim of rape, but before she told us, we thought she was just a bit of a bitch, as she always made very harsh remarks with reference to it. Turned out it was her way of trying to cope with things, when really she was struggling in a massive way.

Again, I'm not trying to excuse what he is doing, because saying those things to you is not okay, and you do not have to accept it. But for someone to change so much so quickly, there has to be a reason.

WhatsHappenedToHim Sat 08-Dec-12 00:52:08

I cant, they all moved away when I did (To go to university, I didn't go)

I'm pretty stuck. I wish he was honest with me, its like hes putting on a front sometimes?

He knew I was in an abusive relationship before I met him and was so angry that anyone could ever hurt me.

DixieD Sat 08-Dec-12 00:52:42

My DH has been on the verge of a nervous breakdown through his MH issues. He was hard to live with but he NEVER personally criticised me. He never trivialised my experiences. He never used his personal torment as an excuse to torment and bully me.
OP you need to lay it clearly on the line. He needs to understand that you are not an emotional punchbag for him. He gets help if he needs it or he goes.

SirBoobAlot Sat 08-Dec-12 00:57:21

Do you have a good enough relationship with your HV to discuss this?

I think DixieD is exactly right actually - you've tried to get him some help, and he's not going to the appointments. Whether he is depressed or not, you have no obligation to have to listen to these horrible things. He needs to either get some help for whatever issues have come to the surface for him, or you lay things on the line.

zzzzz Sat 08-Dec-12 01:07:36

Could you go to stay with your parents for a week? Just you and the baby?

I think you could do with some breathing space.

aprilrain Sat 08-Dec-12 01:10:20

Two years isn't enough time to really know someone. I wouldn't be so sure that he's changed - more likely the shine has worn off and he's showing his true colours.

snowtunesgirl Sat 08-Dec-12 01:14:54

angry Those are some shitty things to say to a new mum.

I'm a year post birth and no way would I ever put up with comments like that if DH EVER said anything like that.

zippey Sat 08-Dec-12 03:23:31

Congratulations on the birth of your baby, and Im sorry that your partner is behaving this way. It isnt acceptable, and Im sorry you dont have a friends and family support network.

SirBoob and Dixie have written sensibly on the matter - if he has mental health issues it will take the form of destructive behaviour, and affect the people he loves the most, with you effectivly becoming his outlet. That wont help his MH issues and will eventually come to destroy your relationship unless he gets help, and soon.

I hope you two can sort things out. You say its happened recently, and though its not widely recognised in men but it may be post natal depression (PND). Having a baby is a huge thing and the thought of his new responsibilites and the end of his "free" life, along with his health issues may be triggers.

Women get these feelings too and if you love him and want a future with him then its best he seeks professional advice from a doctor.

Love how men cant be mentally ill now according to MN. They are just abusive cunts showing their true colours. angry

No its not acceptable behaviour and the OP shouldnt have to listen to the shit hes saying.

But he sounds very depressed. And if the OP can see a change in his physical and mental health so suddenly like this, after having a baby, then getting him help would be the best thing.

And yes it might take some time to get him to accept the help. But isnt that a symptom of the problem for some people.

If a woman had come on here saying she thought she had PND and her partner was leaving her because she had been vile to him, there would be an outpouring of support for her and he would be called a cunt.

crazyhead Sat 08-Dec-12 08:28:07

I think you need to tell him everything you've written here straight, and demands that he get treatment for his depression now, and that all of this behaviour ends now.

If it does, well just about OK if it doesn't resurface. If not, get out because he sounds really horrible from what you are saying

xkittyx Sat 08-Dec-12 09:02:43

I agree that two years is about the right timescale for true colours to start showing.
How on earth does having depression make you leer at scantilly clad women and make unpleasant comments? Also weight gain isn't necessarily caused by being depressed.

Depression manifests itself in many different ways.

xkittyx Sat 08-Dec-12 09:11:53

So, unfortunately, does being a nasty bastard.
Maybe he is depressed - but maybe this is the start of years of being stuck in a horrible situation with a horrible man. I think it's only fair that the OP is shown the option that she doesn't have to put up with it, she doesn't have to choose to stay and "fix" him. Not her job.

lunar1 Sat 08-Dec-12 09:20:15

I would wan him to go to the GP for a full check up. Could he have had a head injury? Some medical conditions can also explain a sudden personality change.

He is being a complete shit but I would want to rule out any medical reason before I left the bastard, sorry you are having such a rough time. My first husband could get like this, it wasn't him though it was due to medical problems.

Back2Two Sat 08-Dec-12 09:20:47

He does sound foul. How disgustingly disrespectful.
I detest men leching over women ..."she'd get it" Ugh.
I could not live with this man.

overbythere Sat 08-Dec-12 09:22:06

It's not nice to say it but it sounds like his feelings towards you have changed and he just doesn't like/love you any more and it is showing through these nasty comments. I was shocked when I read that 'poor little privileged girl' comment. My ex started to make the odd horrible comment towards me and cover it up as a joke. I knew he didn't want to be with me any more. Mind you, further to what others are saying about depression, he was diagnosed with quite serious depression and I reckon he had had it for years.

44SoStartingOver Sat 08-Dec-12 09:23:09

Actually, if he has a history of being sexually abused, and you mentioned that you do too, you may have felt like kindred spirits.

The arrival of your baby may have triggered some negative stuff within him. I believe new parenthood can mean survivors can do this.

We cannot know if he feels he is now safe to show you his unpleasant side, or if there is deeper damage making him come apart. I think negativity to a victim of a crime, when it is a crime he has some experience of, could be an indicator of him not being able to make sense of it.

If you want to see if there is mileage in your relationship, I do think talking properly and maybe he could make contact with one of the groups eg survivors who specialise in helping men who have been abused.

However, I do think you need to be very careful to take care of your own well being. As a mum, you have a new role but need to nurture yourself as well as your new baby. Even casual friends from baby groups can give you a social outlet and help you build your life in this next stage.

But don't let him drag you down. If you need to do it solo, you can. Do not accept someone making you feel less.

Im not saying she should fix him. I tell women on this board to leave abusive partners all the time.

But the OP has said she thinks hes depressed, and sometimes, when a person is depressed they hurt the ones they love. But in a relationship you want to look after each other.

Yes hes been awful. But if this was a woman with PND it would have got different responses.

xkittyx Sat 08-Dec-12 09:30:55

I wonder, though, if people would suggest or hold onto the depression explanation if they were looking for reasons not to give up on the relationship.
If it was a woman posting with PND, it would be from her perspective, and as a forum we can only go on the first-person perspective of the poster.

Whocansay Sat 08-Dec-12 09:31:43

I have no idea whether he's depressed or abusive. I do know that pregnancy can kick start abuse in some men (I'm sure someone wiser than me can explain this).

You need to set some boundaries though. You could start by calling him on his behaviour. Explain that what he's saying is hurtful and makes you unhappy. Don't let him brush it off as a 'joke'. If he tries to do that, tell him in no uncertain terms that joke or not it upsets you and you want it to stop. If he gives you the podgy comment again, do it right back at him and see how he likes it or tell him to go fuck himself angry

If you think he is depressed, you must demand he sees a doctor for all your sakes, but particularly for your baby. Depressed or not he has no right to treat you like this and you do not have to put up with it. If you have no family you can turn to, contact Women's Aid and they can help you.

SirBoobAlot Sat 08-Dec-12 09:42:21

Okay then kitty, if a man came on here saying my partner had a baby a few months ago, recently she's stopped taking care of herself, and is frankly being an utter vile bitch, I'm so shocked and hurt by some of the things she has said, she has a history of abuse... The outcry would be "Get her to the doctor, she sounds seriously depressed".

Yes, some men and women are horrible abusive people. Some also suffer from depression. I can't count the number of times I have been insulted by friends who are unwell, or had to remind them to have a shower. Same as I am terribly embarrassed by some of the cruel things I have said when I have been in a major depressive episode.

The OP has said herself she suspects he is depressed.

No its not okay for him to treat her like this, but before we all start shrieking "Leave the bastard!", it also needs to be considered that there is a medical reason for his behavior.

xkittyx Sat 08-Dec-12 10:11:58

I think the parallel between a woman with severe PND and a letchy man is a little spurious.
I'm not saying he isn't depressed as well, but I lived with someone with depression for nearly 8 years and he was never nasty to me like that and certainly being depressed didn't make him perve innapropriately.
I just wanted to put the point across that it's no-one's job to stay and fix someone else if their behaviour is causing harm. Far too many woman stay with nasty, abusive men because they believe they are damaged and they can, or should, fix them.
And frankly I'm finding the whole "poor menz" thing a little tedious now, it seems to be on every other thread I read at present. You can't just flip a situation round like that. Because society is hardly equal and gender-neutral, so it's just not going to work that way.
Anyway sorry if I'm derailing.

Oh kitty.

No one is saying "poor menz". We are just saying that having a penis doesnt mean they are automatically an abusive arse.

xkittyx Sat 08-Dec-12 10:28:08

Yes, I know having a penis doesn't mean being an abusive arse. I was brought up by lovely men and am married to another one.
I just suspect that this particular man may not be so very lovely and that the depression is a red herring. But maybe not. Anyway said my piece and suspect I'm at risk of derailing so I'll bow out now.

clam Sat 08-Dec-12 10:31:00

You say you're speechless when he says these things and you just ignore him. Maybe the time has come to pick him up on them. You know, "Excuse me?! Did you really just say that?"

glastocat Sat 08-Dec-12 10:32:55

Depression or not, he is being a nasty arsehole. I have been seriously depressed myself, it didn't turn me into a dickhead. If my husband spoke to me like that I'd have his bollocks for earrings. You must call him on it every single time, and if he persists then you can see he is just showing his true colours, and Ltb. Oh, and well done on your weight loss.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Sat 08-Dec-12 11:09:56

The depression thing is a red herring: I've known depressed people who take it out on their loved ones, and depressed people who do not harm those around them. Depressed or not, how you treat other people remains a choice.

And anyone being treated badly can say they won't tolerate it anymore, whether or not the person behaving badly has MH issues. It's a kindness to put your foot down, in fact, as it may be the only thing that ultimately compels the person with MH issues to seek help (which only they can do for themselves).

OP: whatever the reason behind it, the way he is treating you is unacceptable. So show him that it is unacceptable: whether that means pulling him up on every utterance, or leaving. You choose which path feels the best to you.

WhatsHappenedToHim Sat 08-Dec-12 11:30:40

Wow, thank you all for your different opinions and advice.

I have told him that today we need to sit down and seriously talk about a few things. If he is depressed I don't want it feeling like its a huge attack on him, so I plan on getting us both to write down what upsets us, then showing each other to talk it through. Maybe this way he won't feel so defensive and wont want to run from the situation.

I have history of serious depression and have said some nasty things to exes in the past, I have also tried to trivialize the rape so it didn't seem as serious as it was. If he's doing similar I can understand but he needs to be the one to realise it and tell me.

If he doesn't get help and it gets worse of course I won't have much choice but to leave.

I will let you know how our talk goes.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 08-Dec-12 11:30:55

I agree with everything kitty has said.

In this situation, I actually wouldn't give two shits what was "making" him verbally abuse me and treat me with such little respect. It sounds like this man wants to destroy this woman's self esteem.

I would make him leave until he sorted his act out, and if he didn't he wouldn't be coming back.

SirBoobAlot Sat 08-Dec-12 11:48:01

You sound like you're dealing with this really well OP, and taking a proactive approach towards finding out exactly what is going on.

I hope your talk goes okay.

SorryMyCandyCaneLollipop Sat 08-Dec-12 12:33:51

His behaviour is inexcusable. You are worth so much more than this entitled abusive idiot.

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland Sat 08-Dec-12 13:15:41

I would usually be the first to say 'leave him he is disgusting' however, I have been unwell lately I will not go into detail but the anger and depression and things I have said to others is horrific, I have been unable to control myself and some of the comments which leave my angry mind are unforgivable, thankfully I have a had no DP/DH here or he would have have left by now. Thankfully I have just taken it out on neighbours/family......blush

I went onto an anti-depressant and my moods have changed over 2 days, unbelievably so, I can look back and cringe at my behaviour.

The way he is behaving is awful, I think you should point it out to him and see where things go from there, if I were you I would tell him you find his behavior selfish, arrogant and disgusting, ask him to see a GP, and take it from there. If he refuses, then that's a different matter, I knew my behaviour was getting out of control and didn't like the way I was acting, he may be different, in that case, he needs a severe talking to.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 08-Dec-12 13:23:20

That's the difference NotW, you took responsibility for your own behaviour.

This guy doesn't appear to be. If he won't, what choice does OP have but to accept being abused by him or decide that she will not be part of it. If that pushes him into seeking help and sorting himself out, then great. The course of action that won't work is if nothing changes.

zippey Sat 08-Dec-12 13:25:05

I agree that you seem to be handling things well OP. Its obvious that you love your partner, or at least the way he used to be.

I dont think the depression is a red herring for the following reasons:

1. You say he was lovely before and totally changed recently, I suspect after the birth of your child. There has to be a reason for this change.

2. You say he ogles women on the tv making lecherous comments. I suspect this is because his ascent into parenthood has made him realise he isnt as "free" anymore, this onset of commitment and responsibilty is a big change in anyones life. The lecherous comments are probably to make him feel more desirable and to make you feel worse. It may also be a responce to his lack of sex drive, to make him feel more "like a man".

3. I suspect also that one of the ways people make themselves feel better is if they they put other people down, which is what he is doing.

4. The poor little privalaged rich girl comment may again be fuelled by inadequacies in his past.

There are a lot of calls on this forum to leave this man, and its good that opinions can be polarised like this - gives you various points of view. It is harder to leave someone after you have made a commitment such as a baby, and what a terrible shock this must be after thinking you had found a great partner.

Speak to your partner and let us know how you get on. I would also say that it would be good for you, if you can, to find friends in your area - perhaps baby groups, parent and toddler etc. This will give you an outlet for problems, and might help raise your confidence knowing you have support available in real life.

strumpetpumpkin Sat 08-Dec-12 13:27:39

he sounds like a complete arsehole

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland Sat 08-Dec-12 13:44:47

I agree AnyFucker, this man needs to take responsibility, if he doesn't then, he needs to leave as this is abusive behaviour. I am mortified at how I was and seeked help asap, it is far from normal to behave this way, the mocking abuse is sick, I didn't quite go that far but was a nightmare of a person for a few weeks there..

WhatsHappenedToHim Sat 08-Dec-12 14:55:42

No luck so far. He's acting like a sulky child today because I've found he's not given me council tax letters after he told me he had set up a direct debit and didn't. Now I have to spend £700 of my money to stop debt collectors coming round. I have to cancel my solo art exhibition as I can't afford to set it up. I'm so angry and upset.

Isabeller Sat 08-Dec-12 15:14:07

Dear Whatshappened this revelation and sulk is a kind of answer about his attitude to you isn't it? Do you really have to cancel your exhibition and pay a debt he said he had covered?

It sounds like a difficult time to detach yourself, find other support and face the pain of stepping away from someone who isn't behaving in a loving way towards you. The same way that there's never a good time for bad news separating from this man, who is not treating you in an acceptable way, won't be easier next year or in 10 years.

I hope you are wiser than I've been in the past and leave him to deal with his own debt and bad attitude.

Whatever you decide, good luck x

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Sat 08-Dec-12 15:16:55

If you were both teens and he came out with this crap to demoralise you, next time he tried that you could say derisively, "As if she'd want to be with a lump like you".

As you are both adults with a baby together I would urge him to see his doctor, suggest he gets on a fitness programme for himself. Most importantly WhatsHappenedToHim shore up support for YOU and your DC should you decide you're no longer compatible.

Having a baby does mean a massive change in outlook and attitude, it shouldn't mean the death knell of closeness or intimacy. I don't think it means that your partner is looking to replace you, small consolation as it may be. He is lashing out hence jibes about looks or lack of sex or even your different backgrounds.

Parenting a tiny vulnerable infant can make people relive their own history and recall feelings of powerlessness and submission. I wonder if counselling would set some demons to rest.

Sorry have just read your post at 14:55:42. Time for him to pull his finger out and admit he's got to face up to things. I do think you deserve better than you're getting from him and I hope you are able to find solutions and do what's best for you.

TurnipCake Sat 08-Dec-12 15:22:24

Oh OP he sounds utterly vile, I'm fuming on your behalf (and GTFO to the previous suggestion of a possible frontal lobe tumour as a possible cause to the change in his behaviour, really)

As others have said, abusive behaviour often manifests itself during or after a pregnancy.

For all the 'sit down and talk to him' in the world, the only thing you can do to show his behaviour is unacceptable is through your actions.

dequoisagitil Sat 08-Dec-12 15:26:05

Oh hang on. He has sabotaged your art exhibition by creating a debt you have to use the money you'd saved to put it on?

And he's acting sulky?!

You have moved recently, have no friends locally, no close family and the one thing you are doing for yourself, he has sabotaged?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 08-Dec-12 15:34:57

This sounds less and less like a "just talk to him" situation sad

WhatsHappenedToHim Sat 08-Dec-12 16:18:35

He just asked me what was wrong and I told him I was upset about having to miss out on my exhibition. All he said was 'nowt I can do about it, that's life'. When I asked him why he was being so horrible recently he just said it was because I've been horrible and I'm unsupportive.

I don't know how I can be any more supportive. He's being made redundant and I spend hours after he and dc are in bed finding him jobs and applying for them for him. I'm also supportive of him and his possible depression but I can't drag him to his appointments.

I pointed this out to him and he just said 'no, supportive in other ways' but didn't wish to expand.

ChippingInAWinterWonderland Sat 08-Dec-12 16:41:02

Don't cancel your art exhibition - it's important.

Phone the council next week, explain what's happened and ask them how you can put a payment plan in place.

'Nowt I can do about it - that's life' Oh really? So he didn't cause this by lying and being a fucking idiot?

You posted the other day under another name didn't you sad

Don't let him 'get away' with this awful behaviour and the 'not wanting to expand on that' or 'talk' - tell him he has no choice - either he talks to you and you sort out the actual problem or he leaves.

Depression does not make you lear at women and say 'I'd do her' or whatever charming phrase it was he used. It does not make you stop anytime an almost naked woman is on the TV and gawp like a teenager. It does not make you abuse the people you live with - they are all choices you make. Depression makes you feel shit - it does not make you act like a shit.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Would suggest you stop applying for jobs for him as of now; he does not want your support or help. Enabling him like that as well does no-one any favours whatsoever. All that gives you is a false sense of control.

I think he was always like this but hid it until you gave birth. Some men as well use depression as a cover for their abuse.

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE.

He is not taking any responsibility at all for his actions. You are carrying both of you here.

Abitwobblynow Sat 08-Dec-12 16:58:59

The trigger for this is the baby.

When he talks about being unsupportive he is talking about attention and sex.

He is jealous and resentful.

If someone gives him the eye now you would be talking to us about a cheating situation.

Sorry OP he is immature and unformed. It is time you started setting boundaries and calling him on his disrespect.

Then you can talk gently to him about where he is but to be honest this stage of life (man taking back seat to baby) has got to be sucked up.

GeekLove Sat 08-Dec-12 17:22:28

It's easy for me to say this since I havent got a little baby but please get out as i know his sort and he will just drag you down. Even if he is genuinely depressed it won't improve things since he is a selfish immature dock. If anything a diagonis of depression will make him worse as he has a get out clause for acting like a cunt.
I dated and even accepted a proposal(!) from someone who was just a ball and chain. He was a little delicate flower and i was a tower of strength but was it ever reciprocated ? No.
Similarly he never apologised when he did get things wrong.
His sulking and unrepentance over the dept says it all. If your finances are separate don't pay his debt and host that exhibiton. The lack of support for your work is another factor and he is probably surprised you want to anything outside of servicing him.
He is jealous of you and your bond with the baby but it is not your place to fix him. He must do that. Sometimes the delicate little flowers must wither.

Fuckitthatlldo Sat 08-Dec-12 17:43:09

Abuse often begins or escalates during pregnancy or shortly after a new baby has been born. This is because the woman is more vulnerable, more invested, and so less likely to leave.

The more you post op, the more classic signs of abuse there are to spot. The isolation, the making you responsible for family debt and his wellbeing, the disrespect, and the comments designed to cut you to the quick.

It all adds up to a particularly nasty and vicious assault on your sense of self. This is so painful and confusing when it comes from someone you have put your trust in. You sound bewildered and wrong footed and you have all of my sympathy.

Your partner may or may not be depressed. Either way it makes no difference. He is either just abusive, or he is depressed and abusive. Whichever one it is, you are still being abused.

This is not your fault and you cannot control his behaviour. It is not your responsibility to 'get him' to the doctors or find him a job. Your only responsibility is to yourself and your new child. Remember that and make it your priority.

slartybartfast11 Sun 09-Dec-12 09:46:45

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Back2Two Sun 09-Dec-12 10:07:52

Men will procreate with "just about anyone" .....so long as they have been to the gym and are tight "downstairs" eh? slarty

Mmmm. "A" male perspective. Thank feck not the perception of all men. God, I love my husband. He has a brain AND a dick and he knows how to use both.

larrygrylls Sun 09-Dec-12 10:30:01

Slarty,

As a bloke and a reasonably blokey one, I have to say a lot of what you are saying is pure horseshit.

Firstly, although blokes are biologically programmed, as you say, to procreate with just about anyone, most of us have a lot of learned overlay over our biology. This comes from our upbringing and the society we live in. I enjoyed sex with my wife throughout her pregnancy and as soon afterwards as she was keen, even though maybe she was less "fanciable" at times. If you are a decent person, you understand that some sex is nice and some is great and you also realise that your wife will not always find you a sexually exciting 10/10. A long marriage requires empathy and consideration and that extends to sex as well.

I have never got this "tight down below" thing that seems much talked about. Sure, maybe things get looser, although I would not swear to it, after two children, but unless you have a micro penis or struggle to maintain an erection, then it just means it takes a little longer, which is, actually, not the worst thing in the world for either party. And penetrative sex is not the be all and end all, either.

Finally, you are being v hypocritical re the gym. It sounds like the OP is just 1 stone off her pre pregnancy weight but her partner has piled on the pounds and has no interest in even trying to lose it. I find it surprising that she still fancies him.

I do think the OP has the right approach in trying to talk with him before splitting, though. He does sound depressed and ready to take out all his anger on the nearest available object. I am frankly sceptical that someone suffering real depression is in full control of their actions. And "choosing" to take responsibility for one's own depression is not always a choice; mental illness can rob one of that ability. OTOH, though, ultimately, the OP has a right to a decent life without the stress her partner is putting her through and, sadly, she may have to split with him to get that.

Shabbatastic Sun 09-Dec-12 11:01:22

Bollocks should a woman need to go to the gym a few months after giving birth to avoid her partner turning into a misogynistic, abusive waste of space.

A real man will understand that life evolves around a small baby, and will respect the physical and emotional sacrifices that a mother has made.

clam Sun 09-Dec-12 11:27:10

Oh dear God. Are there really men like slarty still around? And who've managed to get some poor woman to sleep with them?

glastocat Sun 09-Dec-12 12:01:08

I am so glad I am not married to slarty!

44SoStartingOver Sun 09-Dec-12 12:14:52

Absolutely she should go to the gym - it will be great for her self esteem and general fitness and mood. Her partner can support her by caring for his child.

I thought maybe there were some deeper issues, but it is looking like a big case of selfishness.

Slarty - wtf? You must have a very tiny penis. I am pretty sure muscles return to pretty much as they were before. Otherwise second babies would just fall out wouldn't they?

he sounds like a complete tool im afraid.

AllSnowballsAndNoKnickers Sun 09-Dec-12 12:38:58

I suppose it's wrong to be surprised still at some of the stuff that gets posted on MN but I am truly shock at that depressing and nauseating post by slarty. Are you for real? Shame on you if so. Shame and double shame. You sound like a real catch - I hope that your poor girlfriend has been able to get the fuck away from you and find herself a real man. Yuk. I feel dirty just from having read it.

Offred Sun 09-Dec-12 12:46:45

Bothering about "tightness" surely means he should be more of a fan of anal sex than procreation.

Also why would it be only men that were "genetically programmed" to shag about?

Nothing about what he says makes any kind of sense.

He does sound like an animal rather than a man but then that I suspect is quite unkind to animals...

Offred Sun 09-Dec-12 12:48:39

Maybe in his post cum sleepiness his gf should immediately take advantage and head off to shag one of his mates cos afta all we iz all animalz innit...

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland Sun 09-Dec-12 12:54:07

Slarty

What a lot of utter shit!

Men and women are equal, we both have the same needs, how many priests who have took a vow of chastity, balls do you see exploding from their need of sex... none, that's because we are all the same. No doubt you also need sex every morning as your dick is hard? You don't my sons was like that at 6/7 months old, he just needed the loo, like most men.

How do you know your DP/DW doesn't wish your dick was larger to fit her nice new 'tight hole' Sorry for my use of words but yours were vile and also the biggest crock of shit I have read in a long time. I have no idea how you have a DP/W/anyone.....

EvenBetter Sun 09-Dec-12 13:29:51

'hope this helps' really Slarty?!
All your post would have done would be make a woman who's being abused feel like it's her fault. You mustn't have read anything beyond the OP, because not only is your post disgustingly immature, dismissive and offensive, it doesn't address any of the OP's boyfriend's behaviour.

EvenBetter Sun 09-Dec-12 13:32:54

And now it's been derailed by Slarty.
OP, that particular 'mans view' is not applicable to you or any other adult human being
Back to actually helping the OP now...

garlicbaubles Sun 09-Dec-12 13:42:41

Hello, Whats.

I'm pretty shocked that you stay up after he's gone to bed and apply for jobs for him. I'm also devastated for you that you may have to cancel your exhibition. Please don't do it until you've spoken to the council! I hope they can reschedule your payments for you.

Now, leaving aside the facts of your emotional violence towards you and any possible reasons for it, I want to ask you this:- You are a mother of young children. The father you have chosen for them suffers from unresolved psychological damage, is about to lose his job and can't be bothered to look for another one. He's financially irresponsible, dishonest, doesn't take care of his health and is a sexist pig.

I rather feel you're a better parent by yourself than trying to compensate for the above. What do your children deserve?

garlicbaubles Sun 09-Dec-12 13:43:36

oops, his emotional violence ...

StNickHasHisXmasTeakozyOn Sun 09-Dec-12 14:22:14

Slarty, you're wrong. OP, you are quite rightly putting your baby as your first priority and your not so D P resents it. I think that even if you hadn't had the baby he'd still be like he is at some stage. It's how abusers work. They're nice as pie reeling you in, then it's chip chip chip, just little things at first, then when you think that's normal they escalate again. They're not nasty all the time, it's like they go in cycles.

I don't think he's going to change for the better.

dondon33 Sun 09-Dec-12 14:22:17

whats you need to put some distance between yourself and this poor excuse of a man, even if just for a few days.
It does sound very much like the birth of the baby (congrats btw) has thrown his mojo right out of the window didums he is no longer the centre of your universe and he doesn't like it but because he sounds like he has the maturity of a 5 year old, he's not equipped to deal with it.
The comments he's making TO YOU about 'fit' girls/women appear as if he's treating you as a mate/non sexual, not as if you are the person he loves and respects, he's certainly not giving a fuck about hurting your feelings angry

It could be depression, as others have said, but it still doesn't excuse the appalling comments about what's happened to you, he's very well aware of the words exiting his own mouth. Even if it was part of depression it wouldn't stop him at a later point trying to apologise, beg forgiveness for it. I've suffered myself with quite severe depression to the point where I was physically dragged to the GP, and while yes, I was a bitch and said a lot of stuff I shouldn't in a haze of anger/fog - I always remembered and felt guilty about it afterwards. That's just my experience and I obviously can't speak for all depressed people.
I hope that you can find a way out of this situation, he doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve to be dragged down and put down by him.

OMFG @ slarty seriously??
OP take absolutely NO notice of what this idiot has to say.
I had 3 whopping big DC naturally and I can promise you I didn't end up with a fanjo like a wizards sleeve, but maybe my ex didn't have a cock as small as slartys grin
Also your weight loss is fab, well done x

Anniegetyourgun Sun 09-Dec-12 14:43:59

OMG, I find myself in the extraordinary position of cheering for larrygrylls .

Treasure this one, Larry...

Offred Sun 09-Dec-12 14:59:28

Really Annie? I'm not...

JustFabulous Sun 09-Dec-12 15:07:57

Slarty, you are an idiot,

OP, your partner will not change so decide if you can stay and if not get the fuck out.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 09-Dec-12 15:42:03

Any decent bloke would condemn slarty's post and the ideas within.

Nothing more to add to that

WhatsHappenedToHim Sun 09-Dec-12 16:02:58

I just thought I'd update you all, thanks for all your advice and input (Apart from slarty, Idiot.)

We did sit down and do that writing down what upsets us. I wrote pretty much a list of everything I put in my OP. He wrote down;
'- I can never do enough to please you
- you don't like me anymore
- we always argue
- I will never be good with money yet I'm always made responsible,
- you moan about me smoking and wasting money on a bike I've never used even though my intentions were good.
-You find it impossible to empathize.

We had a good talk about it all. He was completely mortified by what I had wrote down and recognized that with it all put down on paper it looked awful. He didn't realize how much he was upsetting me. He agreed the rape jokes were completely stepping over the line and he jokes because he feels very awkward discussing something so serious. He jokes to get over his own issues but understands its horrible for me as I don't deal with things that way.

With the fat comments he said he wasn't deliberately setting out to upset me. He didn't think it would hurt my feelings as its clear that I've lost a lot of weight quickly and how could I take it seriously when its coming from 'a fatty' like him.

He feels hes joking around and taking the piss more because hes not had friends to go and wind up recently so hes been treating me more like a friend at times.

Hes had an operation between his legs recently and I think he feels a bit emasculated.

Hes making an appointment with a doctor for his depression on monday.

I hope things will get a bit better now.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 09-Dec-12 16:09:12

Good luck, and please make today the last day you tolerate and otherwise excuse verbal abuse from anyone x

garlicbaubles Sun 09-Dec-12 16:15:38

Yes, good luck, Whats - and don't take any more shit! You've shown a great deal of faith in him by prompting this conversation. I hope he rewards you for it.

SantaJaxx Sun 09-Dec-12 16:36:42

Slarty have you ever stopped to think that it's not that your wife is bigger down there now, it's just that your penis is incredibly small?

OP I hope your DP starts being nicer to you now you've had a talk.

dequoisagitil Sun 09-Dec-12 18:27:36

Make sure you call him on any and every incident, should any more nastiness slip through. You don't have to put up with abuse, whatever his issues are.

Xenia Sun 09-Dec-12 19:33:04

It sounds like he has put on a lot of weight and if he could get down to about 10 or 11 stone he might also cheer up. Perhaps if he starts to eat better foods and exercise more he might sort out his problems.

Abitwobblynow Mon 10-Dec-12 06:05:20

Wow Slarty, your other half must feel REALLY SPECIAL and CHERISHED.

I mean, why are you with her, when there are all those other, tighter twats around? All that temptation, she needs to put in a lot of effort to stop keep you.

What makes you choose this object, over all the other objects? Do you know who she is? What are her hopes and dreams? What does she wish for? What does she believe in? What do you agree in what you know about her, and where do you differ?

Or do you even give a fuck. As long as your stomach is full and your balls are empty, who cares - that is good enough for you?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now