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My mum. Time to just give up?

(57 Posts)
Badvocsanta Fri 07-Dec-12 20:09:05

I will try not to drip feed but this has to be condensed or I would be here all night!!
I am the eldest of 3 of an Irish catholic mother (not that she is a practising catholic but we were all brought up in the faith)
Since I was about 10/11 I have been dealing - along with my dad - with my mothers mental health problems.
I nursed her through 2 breakdowns before I was 20.
My siblings were not involved really...I remember having to come home from work during my lunch hour to spoon feed her some lunch or she wouldn't eat.
My siblings seemed unconcerned she was below 6 stone at this time.
I was working part time from 13 and gave all my earns to my parents...it was what put food in the table some weeks.
And yet even though my sister started work at 16 they took no board from her until she was 20.
My brother has never really worked for any length of time and so has never contributed to the family.
Now I am a mother myself (2 ds's) I am getting more and more angry and upset at her actions both in the past (which is pointless) and now.
I invite set and my dad for lunch in Xmas day and an now really regretting it sad
She has a problem with her leg ATM and keeps telling me how bored she is, how much it hurts etc...and yet she can spend hours going around the shops with my sister.
I took her to the gp last week, even though my ds2 was ill and she knew that. I took him out in the wind and rain so she didn't have to walk to the gp surgery. The next day she is walking round sainsburys with my sister...
She is coeliac and will not stick to the GF diet. This means she has stomach problems most of the time.
She has always been far more partial to my siblings, ESP my brother.
Which is fine.
But she is now showing similar favouritism wrt the grandchildren.
My sis has 2 boys and my bro has a 1 year old girl.
We all now live in the same village and yet they never come to see my kids.
If we dont go there we don't see them.
I am so fed up. I know Aibu to expect her to change. She won't. But I am so tired and fed up and would love to have the kind of family that actually want to spend time with us.
My kids are so great, they deserve better.
Luckily pils are fab, which possibly makes the comparison harder to bear.
Wwyd re Xmas?
Just leave it as it is?
They will come, eat and leave anyway so won't be here long...
sad

JoyceFIVER Fri 07-Dec-12 20:23:44

I'm sorry to hear about your burdens! I've not been through anything similar so I can only sympathise. However, if I were you I'd continue to invite them over. Personally, I'm one to believe that people can change in time especially family but it can be a long process of guidance.

Badvocsanta Fri 07-Dec-12 20:25:19

It seems pretty spiteful to uninvite them I agree but I am just so....tired.
sad

BerthaTheBogBurglar Fri 07-Dec-12 20:33:36

Plan A) Tell them you've changed your mind. No reason, just have. Will there be a lot of fallout from that, or will they accept it because they're already have a low opinion of you / don't much want to see you anyway? You don't need lots of agro right before Christmas so don't let yourself in for any!

Plan B) Celebrate Christmas with your lovely family (you, your kids and your dp!) on Christmas Eve (how old are your dcs? will they notice?). Then let your parents come Christmas Day (and serve lasagne grin).

Plan C) Get norovirus on Christmas Eve and cancel then.

But in general - you don't have to give up as such. You can just take it down a notch. A big notch. No more running errands - be unavailable. And social visits only, and they have to take it in turns - you visit them once and then no more visits till they've been to you. Just don't visit, and every time they complain ask you to visit, repeat your invitation for them to come to you. My family dropped me like a hot brick once I stopped dancing to their tune, and its very nice.

Emotionally - yes, time to give up. You do have the kind of family that want to spend time with you, it just isn't your parents and siblings. Spend the time and energy on your lovely PILs.

FlyOverTheMistletoe Fri 07-Dec-12 20:35:39

Badvoc what does your DH think ? It is hard, but I'd focus on your lovely ds's, dh and pils, you can always lie say one or two of you are ill, just give them enough time to make alternative arrangements.

FlyOverTheMistletoe Fri 07-Dec-12 20:37:18

x posted ... so you know it makes sense smile

It sounds like you are in a similar position to how I was 11 years ago with my Mother. She was approaching her 70 th birthday and her sought advice on here and I was amazed at the response and support.

Over the following 11 years I have found the courage to step back from my Mother and now have a more distant yet still regular relationship with her. Strangely enough she has never said a word about the shift!

You need to make yourself less avaialble and let your siblings sort things out. Get a call minder so you can see who is calling. Dont be at her beck and call. Your own children come first.

Dont expect anything from any of them and you wont be disappointed when thrymess you about.

Badvocsanta Fri 07-Dec-12 23:22:58

Yes.
You are all right.
Will chat to dh and go from there.
Thank you x

I used to invite my Mother places and she would basically say yes unless she got a better offer! One year she went to Scotland on holiday for Christmas (on her own) rather than come with us on a trip we had invited her on. I ended up going for counselling and was given some great advice.

To communicate better with her, find out the facts and dont let her get away with not giving answers.

To stop involving her in my life so much.

Expect nothing so when something good happens you are pleasantly surprised.

Stop putting her first. She comes after your children and DH.

And, sorry to go on. A lot of these things are happening because your compassionate personality is allowing it to. Obviously it is great to care but not at the expense of your sick child. Put your foot down, stand up for yourself and make yourself less available and see what happens.

Badvocsanta Sat 08-Dec-12 09:08:19

Yes this is totally my fault....I see that.
I am a lot better than I used to be actually smile
I will go my own way this Xmas.
It is about me and dh and the dc.
I won't retract the invite unless - as you say - they get a better offer.
This is the woman who - with my sis - booked a 2 week holiday a week after my due date with my first dc(her first gc)
So nothing would surprise me tbh.

3b1g Sat 08-Dec-12 09:16:31

Take a step back.
Set boundaries and stick to them.
Try to keep the emotional stuff to one side (I know it's hard)
And have a very unmumsnetty hug from me.< >

FlyOverTheMistletoe Sat 08-Dec-12 09:43:13

Badvoc this is not your fault, you were being nice. Its all that catholic guilt - hmm the church has soooo much to answer for. I hope you and your family have a lovely xmas. I totally understand as we have a fucking wanker relative who is trying to destroy upset our christmas and I will not let them smile

noddyholder Sat 08-Dec-12 09:46:21

I think you have to put your own life and family first. I have a similar mother and have taken her crap for years. About 6 months ago I asked her quite politely why she kept it up all the time and she cut me from her life! My siblings have all had the same I was the last and so this year we are having xmas together without her and everyone is looking forward to it as every year she ruins the day! She sounds narcissistic

Badvocsanta Sat 08-Dec-12 11:08:16

Thank you.
I have always been The family scapegoat...that goes for my bro and sis too.
I remember trying to move out twice in my late teens and early 20s after awful treatment from my sister (thats a thread in itself!) and each time was told by my dad that I was "tearing the family apart"
Hmmmm......
I stayed, obv.
It really hurts to admit this but it wasn't me they would miss, it was the money I brought in sad

janelikesjam Sat 08-Dec-12 14:37:08

Your kids are so great, and they have you too smile.

Personally I think its hard to "undo" things when things are arranged without creating more ill-feeling, unless something has dramatically changed. If its a brief visit maybe this year you could grin-and-bear it and be clear not to make any future offers.

After that I agree with others would distance myself from mother, energy wasted on her is just that. I would focus on living your own life, and what you can for your children.

fiventhree Sat 08-Dec-12 15:38:22

Have you considered counselling?

You say it is OK that she prefers your siblings, despite your efforts, but that would not be true for anyone - nobody wants to feel second best, and especially in their own family.

Is it possible that you make far more effort than you need or want to (or than is appreciated/valued), because you want to win her approval?

I think it's possible that you wont, whatever you do. You will just become more frustrated and resentful.

And she may decide to value you more if you are more selfish. It is her problem not yours.

GetorfsaMotherfuckingMorrisMan Sat 08-Dec-12 15:44:38

noddy I am sorry to hear that about your mother. And badvoc that sounds really grim.

Sometimes mothers just aren't mothers. I have nothing to do with my mother any more as dealing with her nonsense was just too upsetting. It is very sad not to have a mother, but I couldn't have her in my life.

It's a hard thing to come to terms with, but sometimes some mothers just don't warrant the effort. I wouldn't bother, and would just say that you have changed your plans. If you are going to make a change, you may as well start now.

Abitwobblynow Sat 08-Dec-12 16:10:35

You are the designated 'responsible one'.

Really really good luck with facing this pain, setting boundaries and withdrawing into your real, present day family.

It is very hard but I hope you set yourself free.

Badvocsanta Sat 08-Dec-12 16:50:17

Thank you for the replies. It means a lot.
I don't really have a parent/child relationship with my parents.
I tend to be the one they come to rather than the other way roundiyswim?
It was so bad when I was a kid - the favouritism - that I Honeslty thought I was adopted! It just didn't make any sense to me. Still doesn't. Whenever I would get the courage up to complain I was told that I would understand when I had children of my own. Well, I i 2 children and still don't.
In Irish families, quite often the eldest daughter I.e. me would stay at home, look after the parents in their dotage...I didn't do that.
I stayed on for a levels after 16 even though my mother was very against it. Uni was never an option for me...no money! But I saved up enough from my babysitting jobs to send off my UCAS application.
Pride I suppose.
To prove someone wanted me? That I was good enough?
Who knows...
It's strange isn't it? I can cope with her treating me like this. It's all I have ever known after all, but I draw the line at her doing this to my kids.
That is not going to happen.
They deserve so much better than that.
I will speak,to dh later on and see what he thinks. He never really knows what to say to me wrt my family. And there is a lot I have not told him. Pride again, I guess.
I have never had counselling. As unhappy as parts of my childhood were I wasn't abused, I just wasn't loved as much as my siblings.

Badvocsanta Sat 08-Dec-12 16:52:13

Getorf...I will admit to gp feeling very envious of the relationship my sil has with mil. Which is so pathetic.
I have a good relationship with mil, but no me loves me like a mum should.
And some days - just some days - that's hard to bear.

CleopatrasAsp Sat 08-Dec-12 17:20:09

You know what? You sound lovely and congratulations for not capitulating to family pressure and staying on with them as some sort of family slave - well done! You sound as if you have done very well getting your A levels despite opposition from your mother and there is always time to do a degree at some point, don't give up hope on that score as you are obviously capable.

You don't need these people. I know you want to have a 'normal' relationship with them but it's never going to happen, they are self-absorbed and, as harsh as this sounds, they just don't love you. They see you as an asset to use and exploit and have no concept of being kind to you because they care about you.

You have a lovely DH and two lovely children and you also seem to have very nice in-laws. Build on those relationships and phase out your blood relatives as much as you can. They make you feel bad and it's not necessary to love them just because you are related to them, there's no law saying you should.

It is a big deal to have come from such a dysfunctional background and yet to be so sensible and to have managed to build a lovely family of your own. Concentrate on what you have achieve for yourself because it's not to be sniffed at but most of all try to protect your children from all this. In my experience and opinion dysfunction bleeds from generation to generation unless you put a stop to it. You can do this.

CleopatrasAsp Sat 08-Dec-12 17:21:45

achieved not achieve.

You know what? Sod em.

Have Christmas for yourself this year. Contact them and say that you've decided to have it on your own this year. If they start moaning say ask your sister to do something. There is plenty of notice.

I would be slowly withdrawing so you are no longer expected to shoulder everything whilst your siblings don't. And now she is picking favourites with the children that would be enough for me. No big rows are needed.

Badvocsanta Sat 08-Dec-12 17:38:16

Cleo...thank you for that very kind post x
I will try and extricate myself wrt xmas day.
Thanks again

CleopatrasAsp Sat 08-Dec-12 18:21:50

You're welcome Badvoc. smile Good luck!

fiventhree Sat 08-Dec-12 18:37:24

"I don't really have a parent/child relationship with my parents."

I think you do. You parent her.

Badvocsanta Sat 08-Dec-12 18:50:02

Yes.
It's hard being a parent at 11 sad
I remember the EWO coming round when I was about 15 as I was off school looking after her after she had a hysterectomy.
She was livid.
I think, looking back, school were concerned about me.
The PE teacher took me to ine side once to ask about some bruises I had (courtesy of my siblings) I lied, obv.
I would crawl on my knees through broken glass to prevent my kids going through what I went through.

ljny Sat 08-Dec-12 19:19:37

You sound fantastic. You spent your childhood parenting the family - and they made you the scapegoat.

It's a known pattern and it's not your fault . But you do need to move on, love. It's their loss, not yours.

Do it for your children - and hopefully you, too, will reap a happier life. You deserve it.

bringbacksideburns gave good advice. I wish you luck.

Unfortunately we are born to crave what we havent got and not to appreciate what we have got. I am 45 for goodness sake, my mother has never said she is proud of me, that I am special or that she loves me. It hurts but I have got past that hurdle as I know full well she will never change and that it was me that had to change. To stop expecting love, compassion and hugs. I expect nothing from her now. Sometimes I feel she plays some sort of emotional games with me but now I try not to let it upset me or cloud my thoughts. DD age 14 now notices how her Nana behaves and how uncomfortable she is expressing any kind of emotion/interest/love/favour.

Do not expect your family to change. YOU have to change your expectations, build up a 'brick wall' and keep your DH and children inside.

I would not cancel Christmas as you will have then rocked the boat. Ask everyone to bring a pre-prepared dish and give then a time to come and a time to go home. You could even need a nap whilst they are there as you might feel you are coming down with a virus of some sort!

Badvocsanta Sun 09-Dec-12 08:09:26

Hmmm...wrt to Xmas I don't know. I just don't know. It does seem very spiteful to uninvite them.
Will test the water this weeks be see what happens...
Secondhand rose...yes you are right. I do crave what I have never had.
On my wedding day she never even told me I looked nice. Nothing. Just how tired and stressed she was sad
One of my aunts was standing next to her at one point and hugged me and told me I looked beautiful "just like a model" (I didn't, bless her, she is very short sighted!) and my mum just looked at me blankly.
Sigh.
I live in the same village as my family now (lots of reasons and an happy here) but I never see my siblings unless I run into them on the school run or at the shops. I used to see them at mums but I don't go there that much anymore.

badvoc

They've trained you well haven't they?. You still doubt yourself re Christmas (do not have them over to yours!). Your considerate nature towards them is your undoing; they see that and take full advantage of you. They see you purely as their fall guy and you as parent to them as children. It is therefore not spiteful to univite them. You can uninvite them.

As others have rightly stated, you parented this sorry lot and they made you the scapegoat for all their inherent ills. You did not have a childhood really.

Fear, obligation and guilt are the toxic legacies of such dysfunctional parenting and emotional abuse that was meted out to you. You seem to have FOG in spades.

I would consider counselling; BACP are good and do not charge the earth.

Do read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as a starting point if you have not already done so; it will explain the dynamics of such families very well.

It is NOT your fault they are like this, you did not make them this way. Their own parents did that damage to your mum and dad.

I would suggest you also post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread or at the very least read the very beginning of it.

You would not tolerate this from a friend, family are truly no different.

Are you really and truly happy living in the same village as your siblings?.

I feel that putting physical and well as emotional distance between them could really help you.

You sound both stifled and resigned. Not surprising really, anyone would feel like that after a childhood with such damaged parents and siblings. Your toxic parents failed you utterly (understatement). They are all still failing you.

These people will never give you the approval and love that you so crave from them and its not your fault that they will not do that.

Badvocsanta Sun 09-Dec-12 08:33:31

Well I certainly have guilt...but that's being raised a catholic surely? ;)
I feel sorry for my mum. I don't think she has had a very happy life. Not my fault, I know that, but sad all the same.
She would often say when we were kids "don't have kids" sad
Like it was the worst thing she ever did.
I realised at a very young age that I could not rely on them for anything. It that's ok. It's made me independent and determined not to be like her.
I think she is depressed again but she won't take meds. She won't stick to a GF diet for her coeliac disease. She won't go out unless its to the shops with my sister. She won't do anything. She has no hobbies, no interests, she just waits at home for my poor dad to get in from work and then he cooks them their dinner.
Awful.
I am going to see her today (haven't been for a while) but not taking the kids.
Dreading it.

Badvocsanta Sun 09-Dec-12 08:40:35

I moved back here for my sons school and pre school mainly.
I am back at my old church and enjoying that.
Was very unhappy at my old house/village for a long time but resisted moving back here for all the reasons you state...I didn't want to be nearer them. At all.
Just bad luck they live where I want to live smile
Who knows what will happen in the future? We may move again..?
We like it here and the kids are happy and settled which is my main concern ATM.
I would feel a real fraud posting in the stately homes thread! But thank you for the suggestion. As bad as it was, I dont think it was that bad iyswim?
My mum is pretty much in denial about a lot of stuff that happened tbh...if anything ever gets mentioned she just either says she doesn't remember that or denies it ever happened. Not much you can do about someone like that really.
With any luck they will go abroad with my sis and bil at the end of december so I won't have to deal with any of them! smile

I'm RC and I don't have guilt.

Your guilt I think primarily stems from being raised as the scapegoat in such a toxic and dysfunctional family unit. This is why I stated that they have trained you well, you are still full of self doubt.

You honestly do not have to see anyone who refuses to take any responsibility for their actions and does not want to help their own self (thereby using you to fill that role and when you in their eyes fail, you cop it from them all over again). Toxic parents never take responsibility for their actions nor apologise.

Its more than ok not to keep offering yourself up to these people, they do not deserve you in their lives. You really do not have to go over and see them today.

You will also not be a fraud to post in the Stately Homes thread. That is specifically there for people precisely like yourself. It is there for those like you who were unfortunately saddled with such feckless and toxic parents and who live with the toxic legacies of same.

As bad as it was, I dont think it was that bad iyswim?

Re your comment re not being as bad as it was?.

Oh yes it was and it still is.

"My mum is pretty much in denial about a lot of stuff that happened tbh...if anything ever gets mentioned she just either says she doesn't remember that or denies it ever happened".

Both are actually typical toxic parent type responses designed to floor the person asking such awkward questions.

You cannot change them Badvoc but you can certainly change how you react to them.

To your great credit you do not act like they do with regards to your own children so you have made progress. That buck stopped with you.

Please post on Stately Homes!!!.

Good morning. You are also suffering from low self esteem (you have a low opinion of yourself). I would not cancel Christmas as you will become like them. You will also feel guilty about doing it in your present state.

You describe a situation my cousin was in a few years ago, her family was too tight, everyone knew each others business ans everyone talked about each other. They all still live in the same town. My cousin cut the family ties, she made new friends and sees much less if her family and she is much happier.

A counsellor will help you an enormous amount. I saw one over a number of months. What she said to me was inspirational and although a number of hears ago I still remember her advice now.

PS my Mum also didnt say I looked nice on my wedding day nor did she or my dad congratulate us on our engagement, my dad's only words were "about time too". I gradually grinds you down until you get the strength to fight back which you have now found! Well done you!

Badvocsanta Sun 09-Dec-12 09:15:40

Hmmm.
A lot to think about.
I went to school with kids who had what I consider to be really awful childhoods...I guess I just don't see myself that way I.e. like them.
My kids know that they come first. They know I love them (ds1 is 9 now and getting a bit eye rolly at me now smile) I tell them every day.
I am not sure how much of my mums issues are down to her being toxic as opposed to her mental health issues.
Wrt my siblings...that's hard too. I had to be a parent to them and they - of course - resented it.
As did I.
They would be watching top of the pops or out with their friends and I would be cooking or washing or ironing.
It's was pretty fucked up tbh.
I don't get my dc to help at all around the house yet...I never want them to feel like I did...an unpaid skivvy.
I remember once she had been so vile to me...really awful, verbal and physical and I came back from school and there was a £10 note on my bed.
That's it.
It's very sad.

noddyholder Sun 09-Dec-12 09:37:35

My mum has selective memory too Is hyper critical yet boasts about everyone elses kids and what they do etc. And she will spend £££££££ on presents but would never just ask how we are. She is also very jealous of things like looks and weight and always makes negative comments,it is sad but the time comes when you have to let them get on with it. As soon as I reacted 'normally' to one of my mums remarks eg challenged rather than just took it she cut me out. Tbh I don't miss her sad Go with your gut feeling if you are strong enough to take the outcome

I actually think my Mum is jealous of me and my life and that I am happily married. She and my Dad didnt get on at all but still stayed together for 50 years.

She favours my son over my daughter and it is obvious, she even gives him more money for Christmas and birthdays. Recently gave him £50 for a school trip but her nothing. DD is pretty astute for a 14 year old and has noticed her grandmother's behaviour and her lack of anything nice to say.

Everytime my mother says something toxic I now lightly say "now say something nice the next time you speak".

We have moved a 30 minute drive away from her, she will drive to us every couple of weeks but never ever invites us to her house. The 30 minute distance has definitely been a good thing.

noddyholder Sun 09-Dec-12 10:08:59

That is awful secondhand My son is 18 now but when he was about 8 he said 'Why is nanny so mean to everyone?' They aren't stupid. I decided to put an end to things when she started her judgey antics with ds. He had his hair cut and she said he didn't look as nice that his long hair was his identity and people would judge him and I was strange to think otherwise.Last straw for me

noddyholder Sun 09-Dec-12 10:10:32

Totally recognise the jealousy thing.My mum thinks no one is truly happy and cannot understand anyone being together for love and not money

Badvoc Sat 29-Dec-12 17:41:28

Well.
You were all right.
They came in Xmas day and ruined it.
Utterly.
They simply HAD to take my sister to the ooh gp at lunchtime because she was SO ill and they didn't want my nephews Xmas day ruined.
They were over 40 mins late to lunch, no phone call to say when they were eventually coming ans when my mum sat down proceeded to tell me with some relish that "everyone at the ooh gp was vomiting everywhere!" Lovely.
My ds2 is only just over flu and has been really ill. Noro is just what he needs!
My sister then text me to ask if she could bring my nephews up to my house (she was soooo ill 2 hours earlier remember) and I said no and then she texted to say she was off to visit her pils about a half hour drive away.
So I don't think she felt too bad.
Oh well, as long as my nephews Xmas day wasn't spoilt, that's the main thing obv.
I e mailed them and told them how upset I was and asked them not to contact me for the foreseeable future, but I know that I will have to confront them at some point.
Why didn't I listen to you all? Why? I am such an idiot. I was so upset, I ruined Xmas day for myself and my dh. Thank god dc didn't really understand.
I am so disappointed at myself, for asking them in the first place, for reaction how I did and for not putting my family first.

Badvoc Sat 29-Dec-12 17:50:35

....dh and I had a long chat about it all on boxing say night and I apologised to him for my behaviour (I was very angry and hurt and said and horrid things to him) and he let slip that for my 40th birthday back in oct he asked my mum 3 months before hand to ask some of my Irish family over to the surprise family party he and my mil did for me.
A month before the party she told him she hasn't asked anyone as she "couldn't cope" with any visitors.
Then 4 weeks later went to Ireland for a week to see them all.
sad
I wish he hadn't told me that.

ImperialBlether Sat 29-Dec-12 17:58:57

OP, I think that as long as you stay living there, you are going to have the same problem. You need physical distance from them to help you keep the emotional distance.

Copy the link to this thread and put it into your email calendar so that you see it again at the start of next December, so that you don't go and invite them all over again.

One thing, you mentioned your 'poor dad' at one point, but he was awful to you, making you stay at home because he would miss your money. Don't go pitying him now.

Just out of interest, did you get to university? You said you applied. Did you move away, if so?

RabidCarrot Sat 29-Dec-12 18:06:19

Oh OP I am sorry your bloody mother ruined your Christmas, as you have said you can not change the past (if only you could have walked away when she first went loopy) but you can change the future and protect your children, cut her off, have nothing to do with her, she will never change

Badvoc Sat 29-Dec-12 18:41:29

No imperial i didnt.
Silly to apply really...as i said. Pride i guess.
I was at home until i was 26 and i left to get married.
I started a degree with the OU before ds2 was born but with the new changes to HE i cant continue as i cant afford it.
We cant move...at least not whilst the boys are happy at school. If that ever changes i am out of here!
Feel very low and upset again today.
Thanks for your replies x

ImperialBlether Sat 29-Dec-12 18:44:25

Cheer up! Turn it on its head and think "That is the last Christmas that they will spoil - in future all my Christmasses will be lovely." You've had the worst of it now, OP - time to relax.

cantreachmytoes Sun 30-Dec-12 13:16:19

If it makes you feel any better, you're not alone. My mother (also undiagnosed MH issues and toxic to me as a result) came for Christmas against my better judgement and I regret it now.

However, the upside is that she won't be coming next time because she won't be invited and if she mentions it, I will be sure to state just how much I'm looking forward to a Christmas with just DC and DH. I'm past caring about upsetting her more than caring about me being upset.
Resolution for 2013? Be selfish in my relationship with my mother!
I hope you don't beat yourself up too much for your Christmas. It is dreadfully disappointing, but you tried. It sounds like you've tried a lot and for a long time. You're not less important than her (or your children), so give YOURSELF a break in 2013 and don't put yourself in situations where you know you're being (ab)used. If it wouldn't be ok for your DCs, it's not ok for you.

Badvoc Sun 30-Dec-12 14:13:59

Sorry to hear that cant
Yes 2013 needs to be different

RafflesWay Sun 30-Dec-12 15:28:33

Oh bad, I have only just read through your thread and this sounds very similar to my past situation. However I was the illegitimate child of a very strong Irish catholic family - my fault of course! My mother married my stepfather when I was 5 and left me with gp's to move away and start new family with 2 new dc. I spent all my childhood being pushed from pillar to post and hardly saw her. However, thankfully I was blessed with a brain and despite having to work 2 jobs from 15 - as by then I had to support myself in my own flat as grandfather had died and grandmother became toxic also - I eventually had a great career and married A fantastic man so now have a beautiful home and life with dh and dd. I tried so many times to mend fences with my mother but she constantly treated my half sisters so much better than me and was only pleasant to me if she wanted money or help with something. It left me devastated constantly! However 20 yrs ago I decided enough and broke off all contact with both her and her family for good. Best thing I ever did! Yes there have been times when i have envied other people and their relationship with their own mother - never knew my father- but I have been soooo much happier since losing contact and although we all live in same village we just never see each other. I spotted my mother walking down the village main street about 7 yrs ago and felt nothing. No hatred, no longing - just nothing. I now just wish them all well but have no desire at all to re-enter their lives. Strongly believe this was the best decision for all of us but when I look at my own dd - who has severe learning difficulties - I cannot for the life of me understand my own mother's treatment of me as my dd is my life as she is of my dh. I wish you the very best bad but I doubt anything will change unless you take a stand as they have nothing to lose - only you will continue to feel more and more depressed and you deserve so much better. Believe me, everything you have stated I suffered too including having Christmas ruined etc. And much worse.

Badvoc Sun 30-Dec-12 17:46:46

Raffles.
I am very sorry to hear your story, but many congrats in your lovely dh and dd.
My dh is great, and my children are wonderful (but of course I would say that!)
I am not worried about living in the same village at all..I never see my brother, only see my sister on the school run and not everyday. I only really see them if I visit my parents house and I won't be doing that anytime soon.
I have had no text, phone call, nothing from my brother over Xmas.
I have felt physically ill since Boxing Day - my dh and dc have gone to my pils without me as I just don't feel well enough - and it's all due to them.
They actually make me ill!

RafflesWay Sun 30-Dec-12 21:24:33

I know that feeling so well bad! I felt suicidal at times and constantly questioned myself as a person etc. This will eat you alive if you allow it to. I am not necessarily saying you should take such drastic action as I did but their behaviour suggests they don't have normal "family feelings" for you. (I bet you are a terrific mum yourself as you will be so conscious of being so different to your own mother!) I made the decision after asking myself seriously would my life be better with or without them and when I looked at the pros and cons the latter seemed easier to live with. I think you are definitely doing the right thing by keeping your distance for the time being and focus on your own lovely family who will be the ones to keep you strong and sane. Keep talking to us on here bad - we will be here to support you whenever you need it.

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