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DH just tried to kill himself....

(47 Posts)
vikingmaid Fri 07-Dec-12 19:08:21

Long story short. DH had a breakdown last year, drinking self harming and a short fling. tried to work it out but he walked anyway. I have seen it for what it is, namely mental health, we have been under huge strss and it finally got him. Have been seperated for 4 months although hoped he would get help. Have been getting on with it and looking after DC. Last night he got very drunk and tried to kill himself. Has been blaming me for leaving, although I know its guilt and I think he thought running away was the answer. Now he's in a very black place. I wish I could hate him, but 20 years is a long time. Just want hand holding really.

((((hugs))))

where is he now?

izzyizin Fri 07-Dec-12 19:11:12

How did he try to kill himself? Presumably he was found in time and is now in hospital which hopefully will enable you to relax for the weekend knowing that he's in a safe place?

ipswichwitch Fri 07-Dec-12 19:11:25

Oh god how awful, I'm so sorry. I'll hold your hand and hope someone has something to say that can help. Look after yourself and your DC, you deserve some tlc <<hugs>>

vikingmaid Fri 07-Dec-12 19:11:54

In his flat all alone, hospital let him go. He is ok, doesn't want to talk though.

Persuasion Fri 07-Dec-12 19:12:02

Didn't want to read and run. Is he somewhere safe now, where he can get help?
And do you have anyone you can talk to in RL? Don't underestimate how stressful this is for you too.

HisstletoeAndWhine Fri 07-Dec-12 19:12:45

Has he done this to try to manipulate you into going back to him? How was he when you were together?

Make sure that he has the medical people on call and understand that there is nothing you can really do. It's down to him.

He has to help himself. You can't do this for him.

(((((hug))))) don't be hard on yourself, this is NOT your fault.

Oh dear, so sorry to hear this. Does he have help? Do you have anyone to talk to - counsellor? friend? My DH also suffers from depression and has talked about this but never attempted it so far. It's really hard to live with isn't it.

Is it safe for him to be alone? sad

Persuasion Fri 07-Dec-12 19:14:11

Sorry, cross posted. The fact they let him go should be reassuring, assuming he had a decent assessment, and they're following him up. I know it may not seem like that just now though.

vikingmaid Fri 07-Dec-12 19:19:10

I dont know how he is, wont see anyone and all his family 100's of miles away.

izzyizin Fri 07-Dec-12 19:19:35

How did he try to kill himself? Did he or another party call an amublance?

Was he admitted to a psych ward? Were you notified as his next of kin or was another relative alterted? Have you spoken to the hospital doctor(s) who decided to discharge him?

Persuasion Fri 07-Dec-12 19:24:10

This is not your fault. It's horrible, and obviously frightening, but it is NOT your fault. I know it's really hard, but if he won't talk to you, you can't make him. If you can let him know you are available to talk when he's ready you can do that, but he is the only one that can determine what happens now.

Unmumsnetty (((Hugs)))

girlylala0807 Fri 07-Dec-12 19:24:36

My ex husband did this to us last year. I will never forgive him for it. Ever. Don't ever let him have you believe its your fault. It's not. Do you have rl support? Pm me if you would like to chat. Take care.

Varya Fri 07-Dec-12 19:44:41

Mine tried this in 2010 and no MHT has really help.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 07-Dec-12 20:34:34

People who genuinely want to kill themselves usually succeed. I think blaming you is despicable quite honestly. You may have a 20 year history but he clearly hates you.

I don't think he hates you but agree that blaming you is despicable.
You are not responsible for his actions. He's a grown man who needs help for sure but whether it should be from you? No...absolutely no.

You need to distance yourself at this time as him blaming you is only going to cause you both even pain. I'm sure he knows where to get help if he needs to, and until he does, for your and your children's sake, keep your distance as much as possible.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 07-Dec-12 20:47:46

Of course he hates the OP. By blaming her it's clear he's done this simply to make her feel responsible and guilty. Whether he lived or died, even though it's not her fault, he knows she'll have this on her conscience - probably for ever. It's the very worst thing someone can do to another human being.

izzyizin Fri 07-Dec-12 21:03:38

Is this what he's told you or do you have independent proof that he made an attempt on his life last night?

Either way, what he chooses to do is entirely up to him and you cannot be held responsible in any way for his behaviour or his actions.

glastocat Fri 07-Dec-12 21:05:07

I have no advice, just wanted to offer you a hand to hold. This is not your fault.

LittlemissChristmas Fri 07-Dec-12 21:09:25

Sorry no advice but this is not your fault. Please concentrate on looking after you and your dc.
It sounds harsh and I'm sorry to say it but the majority of those who try it and do not succeed (especially more than once) are doing it for attention. He needs help, to get himself sorted out then he can become a husband and father again.

zoeymlucas Fri 07-Dec-12 21:15:07

Think about it logically:
If he was home and alone and tried to do it that means HE called the ambulance which means it was a cry for attention not actually trying to kill himself, there is a huge difference! Then blaming you is manipulating you to feel guilty and sorry for him, plus sorry to sound cruel but as someone who has experience of someone actually committing suicide- if he was able to get up and walk out the hospital he didn't really try that hard to do damage as they would of had him sectioned if they believed he was a risk to himself, or he would of been too ill to get up and go!

Sorry to sound hard but people who want to end it do and this who can't cope and want a cry of attention do things like this! Do not be sucked into this and let him play you any further

MrsFlibble Fri 07-Dec-12 21:41:06

Zoey is right, if he really wanted to kill himself, then he would have succeeded,

This is coming from someone who took an overdose, its a cry for help and attention, thats all.

peppapiggy Fri 07-Dec-12 21:48:24

My exH did this 5 or 6 times resulting in HDU admission twice and ITU admission once, he would do this when I wanted to end the relationship or to try to gain sympathy and get me back. Since I divorced him and refused to communicate with him he has not attempted it. It is not your fault, he is an adult, it is his choice. It is surprisingly common how many people do this in order to manipulate and control others, don't let him do that to you.

Santasapunkatheart Fri 07-Dec-12 21:58:55

There are huge myths around suicide, namely they people who want to succeed will do so. It's nonsense, as some attempts fail for whatever reason. That said, someone in the grip of true suicidal feelings is mentally ill, if only temporily. He needs help and to get out all these feelings of again and blame towards our OP.

Sorry this has happened but he does need to deal with the issues and get help. Don't accept the blame - it is not your fault.

vikingmaid Fri 07-Dec-12 22:31:36

Thank you all for your comments. I know only he can help himself. He called a friend too tell him what he had done and he called the ambulance. As for 'blaming' me, he wasn't blaming me for the self harm, he is upset and full of self loathing, but earlier in the day blamed me for the breakdown of the family...even thought he walked! said he couldn't stand being with me...all projection, I know he desperately misses us and he has set up home in his flat as he thought that would be the answer. However, he needs to accept he has problems and until he does no-one can help....still, difficult to watch from afar, especially as me the kids love him!

OrangePanda Fri 07-Dec-12 22:34:26

It is not despicable that he blames you. It is caused by the same thing that made him try to kill himself. He is not well so don't call him things like despicable it is not nice. You don't blame a woman for vomiting when she is sick and it is not different to this man

I hope the OP's DH is not at all likely to read the comments made on this thread.

I also hope the OP has RL friends she can talk to. I honestly don't see how the Internet can provide any genuinely helpful support in situations such as this, although it may seem to do so.

Feckthehalls Sat 08-Dec-12 08:07:54

Very true santasapunk.

FergusSingsTheBlues Sat 08-Dec-12 08:16:44

Can i just point out that clearly he is not in a good place right now and yes hurtful words and blame will be flung about. You will just have to ignore anything that is said to hurt you for now. All you can do is encourage him to get and continue help. My sister did the same a few months ago and has still refused treatment. She said a lot of dreadful things to my mum in the aftermath which my mum has refused to forgive, an attitude which wont really help anybody. You have to support and forgive. Good luck x

crazyhead Sat 08-Dec-12 08:22:03

I feel for you. Make sure that you get plenty of support yourself from friends, or you could talk it through with someone from the Samaritans, who have a lot of experience of these kind of situations. The thing is this was YOUR relationship too that ended and you are allowed to grieve too - so it must be awful that this is turning into your fault instead of your loss if you know what I mean.

You mention he has a friend who he called about the ambulance. If you feel that you need to do something practical, can you talk to them about checking your ex is definitely being supported by the right mental health teams, that sort of thing.

I think if that was me, I'd find it really hard not to get drawn in, but I guess you'll have to make a very careful judgement about whether 'crisis contact' with you around an suicide attempt like this really helps you or him (given that neither of you can 'unbreak' the family really and you can't save him).

Mainly, hugs, and I hope you get lots of RL support.

HisstletoeAndWhine Sat 08-Dec-12 08:26:04

Hold on!

I attempted suicide once, due to a flailing, dying relationship. I was as depressed as is possible to be, not one of the medical professionals thought I'd live.

Not ONCE did I blame my then H, or my rubbish, unsupportive family.

This bloke, for whatever reason, has gone off on one, drinking, harming, CHEATING ON HIS WIFE and DC, and then, instead of working toward inprovement has stalked off, moved out, and is carrying on with his life. But blaming the OP for the state of it.

So why call his friend? Ok it's a cry for help? Then GET help then! But don't BLAME the wife you say you are missing.

He's messing with everyone's mind. OP, protect yourself. When you get the opportunity, express to him that for him to do this to his family is the very worst abuse of his DC possible, that their lives would be blighted forever if he leaves them this way, that this is not the way it's going down, that he needs to get help, or you'll have to distance yourselves for your own protection.

I'd suspend unsupervised visits for a while too, the DC could be at risk. No-one's worth that, so until he's taking responsibility for his health, no unsupervised access. If the supervision proves hard to arrange, suspend the visits. Tell him why.

That should bring sharp reality back to him and incentivise him to sort himself out.

QuickLookBusy Sat 08-Dec-12 08:43:30

Viking, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I really think you should repost this in Mental Health, or ask Mnhq to move this thread. You will get much better advice and insight into your DHs behaviour and how to deal with it. X

Letsmakecookies Sat 08-Dec-12 09:19:34

Orange anyone who threatens to kill themselves and then blames their partner is utterly despicable. That is emotional abuse. The OP is in no way to blame for any other human's behaviour, that is something every adult learns that they are solely responsible for their feelings and behaviour.

I lived with a man for many years who told me repeatedly he would kill himself is I didn't do or behave as he liked and it was disgusting, and he had all the right diagnoses from his doctors, so I was scared. I have very sadly known people who have committed suicide and they did not go around behaving like that, and that was genuinely tragic but I know that nothing I could have said or done would have prevented it.

If the OP wants to be angry at her xp she has every right. That has nothing to do with stigmatising mental health, but everything to do with consequences for his actions. He has behaved appallingly towards her, drinking, adultery, abuse.

Letsmakecookies Sat 08-Dec-12 09:24:50

OP, have you tried going to the 'depression fallout' chat room, there are people there with experience of what you are going through.. google it, they are a nice bunch trying to work out how to cope in this sort of situation.

QuickLookBusy Sat 08-Dec-12 10:27:48

LetsMake. The OP said in her last post that her H has not blamed her for the suicide attemp. He blames her for breaking up the marriage, which is not the same thing.

Letsmakecookies Sat 08-Dec-12 11:09:51

It is if he is using the marriage break up as a reason for his suicide attempt.

seaofyou Sat 08-Dec-12 15:09:04

He sounds very angry and refusing to accept HIMSELF only has fcuked his life up! I don't believe he was suicidal, I believe he was being a twunt, manipulative and nasty to you OP. You need to disengage and allow him to start taking responsibility for himself...give him numbers of Samaritans, MIND, and tell him to get to GP to be referred to Mental Health Services.

Corygal Sat 08-Dec-12 15:35:46

Please all of you, lose the abuse. No one attempts suicide for a laff, but this fast-track to victimhood doesn't automatically make you a saint either.

A suicide attempt has nothing to do with whether a person is nice or not. And it doesn't have a lot to do - usually - with moral standing of the person's nearest and dearest either.

Hramph. OP, I bleed for you, I really do. Yr DH is a right mess at the moment, and, worse, he's looking to you to sort him out. After cheating etc etc. That's not on, unless you really feel like it.

First off, he needs to see a GP and get meds, then a counsellor, pronto. He's not being wildly reasonable at the moment by accusing you of breaking up the family when he was the one cheating, but getting him to see that is not your problem. If he drinks, that's a medical thing too.

As it happens, I think yr DH's recent history is less than impressive. He has behaved bloody badly and is now panicking as he hasn't got away with it and hates himself. Odd thing to say, but that's not a bad place to start sorting things out.

Drink makes people deeply unpleasant, and depression may do this too. See what he's doing to sort himself out. State your case to him calmly for two or three months, then think again.

Isabeller Sat 08-Dec-12 15:52:06

Perhaps you don't need to analyse what's going on with him too deeply OP but allow yourself some time to feel sad about losing someone you loved and a long relationship. The Jekyll and Hyde analogy is a good description of problem drinkers IME so I'm imagining the drinking, suicide-threatening, mentally poorly person isn't the man you loved.

You seem very grounded in knowing you can't help and it's not your responsibility. In Alanon I read a beautiful passage about visualising wrapping the alcoholic in a soft blanket and placing them in the hands of their higher power. I know that language doesn't ring true with everyone so please disregard the thought if it's not helpful. x

amillionyears Sat 08-Dec-12 15:57:00

First of all, hand holding.

Second of all, and I may get blasted for this on here, but hey ho.
You say that he is acting the way he is acting because he feels guilty. And that you still love him.
If, just say if, he were to say sorry for the affair and any other bad behaviour, would you think about having him back again?

Lueji Sat 08-Dec-12 16:07:59

What corygal and seaofyou said.

His suicide attempt is not your responsibility.

And I always wonder about attempts when people are alone.
If they really want to kill themselves they will. Or at least just barely survive.

Even if he is going through a breakdown, you don't want such a person in your house.
For all you know the next time he'd take you and the children with him!

Lueji Sat 08-Dec-12 16:12:58

And hissletoe too

vikingmaid Sat 08-Dec-12 18:39:01

Thank you all for the comments, have taken them on board. Yes he has behaved badly and i'm not responsible for that (if you are listen MIL!). But he is ill and until this awful year has been a good husband and great dad. Difficult to stop loving when alot of behaviour is due to mental health. Although i do recognise he has responsibility still. he has made an appointment to see a counsellor on Monday about his misuse of alcohol. And, no I wouldn't have him back, unless he had done alot of work and really wanted me, not just the kids that he pines for.

But can't turn off the affection...wish I could

CindySherman Sat 08-Dec-12 18:47:13

It's not your fault! Please don't ever think that.

ChippingInAWinterWonderland Sat 08-Dec-12 18:56:09

<<Big Hug>>

I hope he gets the help he needs.

Of course you can't just turn the affection off, not after so many good years.

Someone needs to tell him to pull himself together and get some help - for his children if not himself. Is your MIL aware of all of the facts?? If not, I'd be giving her chapter and verse - partly because I'd want her to stop blaming me, but mostly so that she might actually help her DS instead of just excusing him and blaming you.

seaofyou Sat 08-Dec-12 19:37:20

Oh dear MIL blaming you too...well they are from the same branch!

Good woman vickingmaid! He has to do it himself! Otherwise he will be doing this every time he doesn't get his own way throwing his dummy out of the pram. Strict boundries ie...you have
counselling and...
see psychiatrist
take anti D's
in 6 months Vicking will review (takes 3 months for full effect of antiD's

some sort of plan like that then he goes to relate etc but how he is behaving is pre toddler years! Don't give in strict and he should sort himself out..this isn't depression this is just being controlling and nasty causing you to take him back and be guilty and under stress he will threaten to do it again. The hospital would not have let him go they know an attention seeking drunk to a person who is mentally unwell!
If anything you should be angry with him for being so foolish and which could have left his dc without a df! {{{{stay strong}}}}

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