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Finally fancy him but...(90 Posts)
I know I'm up for flaming here (thus the namechange), but I'll tell the background.
I have a good friend, we've been very close for about 8 years. For the first year he fancied me terribly but I didn't fancy him. He then got a girlfriend for a few years, then they broke up. We had a few snogs but nothing more - I wasn't all that interested then. He got another girlfriend and has been seeing her for several years. They live together.
We are still very close. We text almost daily, and have done for years. We visit each other and stay over in each other's beds (although nothing happens, although he used to fondle my hair sometimes if we were a bit pissed). We go out just with each other, rarely with her as well. If she does come out it's a very different night, and then she goes to bed while we stay up and giggle for hours. Pretty much everyone who knows us thinks we should be together and "would put money on it"- including the three different groups of strangers we met on a night out last Friday. At the end of the night we were pissed and walking down the street holding hands. There were one or two moments where I pulled away because I thought we might kiss. We went out for after work drinks again yesterday and do weekly.
I'm starting to realise that I actually really do fancy him after all.
I just think he needs to get his head sorted because if I was his girlfriend I wouldn't want him to treat another woman like he does me. It's not right. I can see that. He doesn't know that I've changed my mind. It's never been on the agenda - just good friends, although clearly a bit closer than it should be.
What do I do?
Hmmm; could you fancy him because he's now unavailable and being an arse? He is being an arse btw; to you both.
I know he is being an arse. He doesn't realise how I feel about him now though as it's always been "no".
No, it's been like this for years and I've wondered if I fancied him but just didn't. Sadly, now I do.
I'm going to ignore completely the bit about you wanting another woman's man, and just look at your change of feelings about him.
I had something similar a long time ago. A great friendship with a bloke and a few blurred boundaries (though we were always both single) but something in me stopped it from becoming more.
Over the period of a month or so I felt him withdrawing from me and I scrambled to get closer again, before finding out he'd started dating someone and hadn't told me as he wasn't sure what "we" were, or what his feelings for his new girlfriend were.
I immediately backed off and very quickly realised that my feelings hadn't really deepened for him, I just missed that closeness we'd had and hadn't realised how much I valued him as a friend until I felt him withdrawing.
I met someone else and have been happily married for about a decade now and have no doubt that my DH is the man for me, my friend and I were never right for each other really, and that's why I'd always held back.
I'm telling you this (very long) story as I'm wondering if it's not that your feelings have changed towards your friend but just that he's actually more happy with his girlfriend than you'd like to admit and is pulling away from you, and that is what you're missing and hankering after, not him per say.
He's treating his girlfriend awfully btw - would you really want to be with someone like that??
If he fancied you, he have done something about it years ago.
The position of OW is widely despised and usually leads to heartbreak for all people in the triangle.
You need to reset your boundaries with your friend and look at unattached men if you are seeking a partner.
He was talking about marriage to her two years ago (hasn't transpired though) so his relationship status isn't new to me. I've genuinely not been
overly bothered by that before.
I think I've just been on dates and realised there was nothing with that man, then go out with him and think, "phwoar actually, I love this".
He is ten years younger and I think he was always too young for me, but now he's older it feels different. And I do hate the fact that I'm considering pushing in on another woman's man.
Has he given you any indication that he'd leave her for you?
Because this sounds like the same old script to me...you are "safe" because you don't want each other, so you hold hands/kiss/get a bit close and flirty but he justifies it as okay because its you. Because you don't want him, so he isn't hurting you, and it gives him someone to flirt with and boost his ego with without hurting his girlfriend.
These stories always go the same way. He wants you, you don't want him, he settles down, you do want him, you tell him, he rejects you, he marries woman he is with. I have never known them go any differently, regardless of who is involved.
Has he mentioned leaving her for you? Because from what you've said, he's happy keeping things exactly how they are.
For what it's worth, I'd back off. You are holding hands with, flirting with and lusting after another woman's man. It doesn't sound like he wants this to go anywhere, so in any case it'd just be an affair. You could cause utter chaos. Perhaps he needs to reinvest some time in his relationship, and you need to spend time with other men who are like him, and like you, but who are single and available.
If he is living with his gf how do you manage to stay over and him stay with you? Does she know? It's really not fair of him to invest so much emotionally in you when he is with her. Do you know and like her? Is she a friend too? Does She know all this backstory with you both, and the continuing contact?
If you do like him so much, you could tell him, then say but nothing must happen until you are single, living alone and no contact til then. This gives you both a chance to sort yourselves out.
Maybe he is just having a safe flirt. Not really considered that. He says he really loves her but sometime he wonders if he can be bothered with all her moaning.
He's been living out of London for the past 2 or 3 years, would come down to visit. I think she knows we stay in the same bed, doesn't seem bothered according to him.
I'm thinking we should get pissed together
again and say something. He was pressing to know why we've stayed so close last Friday night. And I agree, good point, then we should not have much contact until he has decided to leave her, if he ever does, or just agree that we should reset boundaries to be fair to her (and me).
I really don't intend to dripfeed, sorry if I am. I am deliberately not saying much about her as anything I say will be biased anyway and trying not to completely defend the situation. But at the same time we have a long history.
Oh and I've no idea if he would leave her as I've not brought it up.
Well, start off by dropping the daily texting. Cut down on drinking alcohol when you're out, if you don't want the old we-couldn't-help-ourselves-we'd-had-a-few-drinks scenario. Better yet, try only seeing him when she's there too and stop meeting him every week. You may feel you're only recently taking an interest in him, the fact he was keener on you for years hasn't gone unnoticed by you and being around him, ostensibly just good friends, (10 years' younger so no dent to the ego there either), has been no hardship.
She's either oblivious, unthreatened or hopes if she doesn't try and stop him from seeing you, you'll eventually meet somebody else entirely, or he will stop socialising with you and focus on her. Either confident and secure, or naive and optimistic.
He must enjoy the extra non-gf attention and he won't stop because after the years of not getting any interest from you, you've started to home in on him.
If you take a step back, you can see if he's prepared to come after you, or just stay with his partner, in which case he's not that into you if you're not chasing him.
If things do take a sudden turn, I wonder what next, after all this time of being apart, will it live up to expectations or will one of you bottle out.
I bet the girlfriend doesn't know you share a bed and I bet if she did she'd be less than happy.
You need to step beck from this man, let him get on with his relationship , you are muddying the waters .
Forgot to add, he doesn't sound very nice.
"doesn't seem bothered according to him"
You really, really must not believe a word of that.
Thing is, he doesn't know I'd be up for being with him. So taking a step back won't mean anything.
She has no idea about you does she? Who is he pretending he is staying with? I think he is using you as r&r, sorry, but I think you are being used. You might want to believe you are not, but you are.
It seems odd he tells you he is in a relationship and living with someone and he doesnt care she doesn't care he is staying with you iykwim. And he is carrying on with you, and you don't care he lives with someone else.
He is messing with your head. Have you been in a relationship whilst conducting this friendship? Was your bf ok with this guy descending and staying with you, texting and " just friends"
Taking a step back as in- don't get pissed together and hold hands and share a bed . Behave like friends not two people having an affair.
No she knows he is staying with me, going out with me, drinking with me etc. At least I presume she does.
But do I bring it up? Or do I just say, "Hey, what's going on? This is a bit too much considering you have a girlfriend"?
Op, I am shocked you haven't had this converstation with him years ago! What do you talk about? Are you bth pretending you are dating?
Call him up and ask him. Or next time he suggests or you suggest another meetng, ask him them. Not on text or email, on the phone. No need to meet, have drinks etc etc. you'll get your answer. Don't waste another weekend on this man.
She doesn't know. And if you are such a good friend with him and been friends for years, why haven't you met her or invited her as well?
Are you sure they didn't get married?
pleasedontjudge Thu 06-Dec-12 20:06:31
No she knows he is staying with me, going out with me, drinking with me etc. At least I presume she does.
You Presume??? Trust me she doesn't know.
Yes I've met her! I knew her through a mutual friend before they got together. I've stayed at their place when I've come up to visit (yes, in the spare room). We just don't socialise together much at all, but there's no animosity.
He's invited me to his parents place with her for NYE. But we've spent a lot of NYE's together (although not since he's been with current gf)
We had the conversation years ago! But I wasn't interested. Now I am
We talk about all sorts. We hang out. We laugh. We try new places and new things. I don't know, just enjoy each other's company.
I don't like the sound of you
The only reason you fancy him is because you can't bear him not fancying you any more. If he dropped his girlfriend for you you'd go right off him, because what you are getting off on is him pining for you.
You need a hobby and some new friends.
It won't end welll. just admit how you feel instead of carrying on like this but fgs don't keep doing all this behind his gf back.
He has invited you NYE to his parents with his girlfriend, the one he lives with and has no idea about you? Are you sure? Is it big party? Are you expecting him to be kissing you NYE? It's not a film, you are messing about. leave these people alone.
Why would you go anyway? Unless he is inviting you to bring a bf or there is someone there you would like to meet?
Go out with some other single friends and have a good night. Leave him to his relationship and don't wreck his family NYE.
superstar that's what I'm trying to work out. Do I admit how I feel, or just forget it?
Solidgold that's not actually how I feel at all.
He's 10 years younger than you but now he's older it feels different. How old is he? How old is his gf?
Do you have dc? Is this a case of your biological clock ticking down
and you have no other sperm donors in view?
Well, she does know about me.
We've been very good friends for years.
I've never particularly wanted kids. Don't have any. This isn't a driving force.
He was 22 when we met and I was 32. So he was too young for me then.
I don't intend to kiss him on NYE fgs. We have been good friends for yonks. This is the point. I don't know if that's all there is to this, on both sides.
He's having a whale of a time isn't he? He has it all, really, without having to do anything bar lie by omission (and I am pretty sure that is what he's doing to his gf.).
I think you need to examine why after all this time of being pretty intimate in all ways, bar sexually, without being interested, you have NOW decided you fancy him in particular.
Are you just lonely for a man in your life, rather than him.?
He's shown you what he is capable of as a partner, you have said you wouldn't want to be treated like he is treating his gf, so hold those thoughts. I'd start having look round for an available guy.
I cant imagine she would be ok with the two of you sharing a bed.
See, on the one hand you say,
"I do hate the fact that I'm considering pushing in on another woman's man",
yet you comment
"Pretty much everyone who knows us thinks we should be together"
(and this you know how?) excluding his girlfriend, I bet.
You refer to him talking about her "moaning", I'm not clairvoyant but I can take a guess about what.
But why integrate with his family on a family occasion? I would be embarressed to do that, especially with your thoughts. She doesn't know about you. Is she his age? What are you going to do when he proposes to her NYE? He might, you know.
He is not a good friend. He is someone you fancy and he is living with someone else, who he makes plans with, like christmas and NYE, holidays.
Leave these people alone and find some friends and find a boyfriend who likes you enough that you dont have to text him all the time. Get over yourself a bit, and see how this is stopping you from finding real happiness.
If he was into you, he would be with you. And you wouldnt put up with anything less.
That poor woman he lives with.
We've been very good friends for years
Well don't mess about with her fella then.
pepper I agree. I don't understand that either.
donkey I know that because I/we have been told that by all of our mutual friends for years. We have just laughed it off, because I wasn't interested. I don't really understand what you think she is moaning about <thick emoticon>
lavender She does know about me - I said that upthread. I don't text him all the time. My point is: he wanted to be with me for ages, I said no, he still acts like he wants to be with me, I've changed my mind and think it would be fab to be with him - what do I do? What if he still wants to be with me? Is it worth investigating?
I have no interest in touching a sore spot with anyone.
Doin no - he and I have been good friends for years.
You aren't just friends though, are you? Friends don't text daily, sleep in each other's beds, fondle each other's hair, hold hands and almost kiss. You are having an emotional affair with him. you are being a dick, he is being a dick. Back off him, and tell him why. If you genuinely have a friendship then it will survive - if you are secretly in love with each other he will dump the GF and you will be together, most likely this 'friendship' will die when it doesn't get the oxygen of this bizarre ego trip you are both on. Honestly - you must be at least 35 right? Far too old to behave like this.
Who cares what your friends say ?
if they said jump off a bridge...etc
Who am I talking to here ? A grown woman or my teenage daughter. I'm not too sure.
Erik that is sound advice - to tell him that this is an emotional affair and see what happens next. I think that is the problem, we aren't just friends, never have been despite his going out with other women.
I'm not looking forward to it but I think it does need to be said out loud.
Oh fgs! Some of you come across so black and white and just nasty.
Sometimes in life people don't communicate their true feelings and marry or get with people who they probably aren't best suited to and then they find they fancy and want someone else.
It's not right but it's life!
OP, you have to tell him your feelings. Only then can you make a decision - get together/see if it works or back off and be "just" friends.
I'm sorry, but sod the gf if he really wants you and is prepared to do the right thing and break it off with her!
If I were you to be honest I would tell him how you feel. He can end his relationship, hopefully nicely, if he feels the same. Your life is too short to miss out on a relationship which might make you really happy. Take a risk! Sorry to buck the trend, but there it is.
Whilst I get what some of you are says about 'having to tell him' so he can make a decision, I think that's only even worth considering if the OP is sure she loves him and wants a committed, mature relationship with him..
Her OP says she 'fancies' him. Perhaps because now she can't have him. Is it really right to break up an engagement - or at the very least - muddy the waters - because you've decide you would quite like to shag someone after all?
I don't think so. OP had her 'chance' for that when they were both single so should only say something if her feelings and intentions go beyond 'fancying'.
I feel sorry for the poor girlfriend.
The only thing remotely nasty is op being led on on leading this man on in thinking they have a future when he is living with his gf of two years but nipping over to hers for a mindfuck.
Yeah, egging the op on to declare her "feelings" seems rather baiting to me
the best advice I would give Op is to find another "boyfriend" and stop making a tit of yourself with someone else's
"black and white and just nasty"
I think people here have been pretty non-judgey tbh. I am not intending nastiness if I say I think the OP is being a bit disingenuous.
No bearing on her situation but I cannot think of 1 woman I know who would not be 'in the driving seat' with a man 10 years her junior.
Anyway good luck.
Oh yeh, I guess she should keep her thoughts to herself eh and live a life full of "what ifs".
No, don't be ridiculous. Be open, he'll put you straight about his feelings and then you can move on with or without him. You only get one life.
Could you imagine if they marry while he secretly holds a flame for you OP but never had the balls to say anything because of your earlier "chance" that never was?
It's awful and eventually ruins lives spectacularly. Best get it out now with no marriage or children on the scene.
Don't live a life full of regret - it's soul destroying.
"lavender She does know about me - I said that upthread".
Sorry, I may have missed something, but you said you "presumed" she knew about you. That's not quite the same.
And knowing he has a female good mate is different to knowing what exactly goes on between you.
You have said yourself you wouldn't want any partner of yours behaving like this witha friend, s.o you know the
I wouldn't tell him, I'd start looking for someone available, but I'm not you. Also I would be very careful, before you throw a potential grenade into their relationship, that you don't end up minus your friend completely.
God typos. Sorry!
"You know he's untrustworthy as a partner" is what I meant to say
Yes I've met her! I knew her through a mutual friend before they got together. I've stayed at their place when I've come up to visit (yes, in the spare room). We just don't socialise together much at all, but there's no animosity. @20.18
I presume she knows he's meeting me every time he is meeting me but I don't ask every time. She definitely knows that we are good friends.
I am looking for someone available, I have a second date on Saturday night with someone else. I'm not hanging around hoping for his attention. It's just that I realise my feelings have changed - taken me by surprise, and my question is what is reasonable to do about it?
And yes, I do feel for her, because I don't think this is ideal. Can men and women ever be friends I guess is the underlying question.
You aren't his real life, you do know that, don't you?
He lives in a different city, has a serious girlfriend, career and social life there.
Your friends don't see you and him together in any serious way: it's teasing, another slice of unreality, based on trips back to the life he moved away from.
By all means tell him how you feel if you think there may be a chance, but if not reciprocated, wind down this friendship.
I am wondering what your relationship history has been in the years he has been with his long-term live-in girlfriend.
I have been here, sort of.
He fancied me, I said no thanks, we both went out with other people but continued with a slightly over-needy, over-close friendship for several years.
Then I decided I did want him, & drunkenly declared myself, only to have him tell me quite kindly that I'd had my chance & he was quite happy with his gf.
It was HORRIBLE. <still cringes at memory>
They've just celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary. I'm good mates with both of them; more her than him these days tbh.
But we were all students. You are old enough to know better - this won't end well!
i guess that your friend's gf is maybe 13 years younger than you??? perhaps she is not as worried by you as she sees you as an older, desperate woman who is trying to cling on to her youth by spending time with a significantly younger man.
Of course, she may not think this; who know?. But, really, leave these two to their relationship, draw a line under it all and concnetrate on finding a lovely, available man that will be exclusively yours.
The reasonable thing to do is to back right off until he is available. All the time he has a girlfriend, there is no other option.
Your emotional affair is screwing up any chance he has with his girlfriend and if you love him, you would give him the space to work it all out.
This is not just a friendship and you are in the role of OW
Ah ravenAK I wonder if that will be the case. At least I think it might be the case with us. But either way something has to change because it is a bit confusing.
My relationship history? Had a 2.5 year, then a few small ones.
Why would you want to be with a man who is quite happy to share a bed with a `friend` whilst he has a partner?
The gf is about 2 years younger than me.
Seriously, walk away find someone new and decent.
shipwrecked my point is he doesn't know that i've changed my mind, and I don't know if he still feels the same way. I have said this already upthread.
rednosed I'm hardly a "desperate woman trying to cling onto her youth" but thanks for the description
Can men and women be friends ?
That's a very disingenuous question, going off the rest of your thread
Well, I genuinely thought we could, until recently.
You are taking your slating very well, OP. Fair play to you for that.
Yes but it's not friendship, sounds like it never has been
The dynamic has always been of him wanting you and you encouraging it. Not friendship.
I knew I'd be up for a slating
I'd probably be slating myself if this was another thread. I'm really a pretty level-headed person in real life. I don't want to be the OW. It's just that we had this wierd dynamic well before she was on the scene.
Maybe I have encouraged it. I've not considered that.
I think the answer is we need to clarify this wierd dynamic.
weird, weird. I CAN spell.
why didn't you back off from this "weird dynamic" when she came on the scene then ?
do you think of him as "your property" and so you persisted in your closeness that is actually very wrong ?
that would be weird
I don't really know. It was just such an entrenched part of how we related. There were a few periods where it was more neutral, and periods where it was more weird. Lately he's moved back to London and we are spending more time together and I've had a "gosh, actually he's lovely" reaction, and just not sure what to do about it.
spend less time together and stop feeding his ego
he must be strutting around like a dog with 2 dicks
making a tit of yourself with someone else's boyfriend is not a great booster of the ole self esteem
I bet you'll say he isn't "strutting" though
you'll say he is a "sensitive" type
they are worse
I'm not sure what you want from this thread, please
It's pretty clear you want to tell him, and probably will. I hope nobody gets hurt if you go ahead, but I think it's extremely unlikely, whichever way it goes.
Have you thought that if he doesn't reciprocate your feelings, he may well tell his gf that you have declared them (as it were). Then what happens to your friendship?
I can,t imagine she will be happy for him to spend so much time with you in future - particularly not overnight - if she knows how you are thinking about him.
It is possible for feelings to change, and it have nothing to do with fancying someone because they are no longer available. Plenty of marriages arise from platonic friendships, and some might say it is better to be friends first than realise you have nothing in common after lust wears off.
You have two choices - say nothing, and move on, or say something and risk losing a friendship. Don't have an affair with him though. That would be wrong on so many levels, and would hurt his girlfriend terribly.
she already is having an affair with him
at least in her eyes
Does he strut? . He might be the 'more sensitive guy' tbh, now that is embarrassing. AF you do make me laugh out loud, love the idea of a dog with two dicks.
Yes I think I should back off - it's not an appropriate 'friendship'.
Madeleine what I want from this thread is some clarification about what is reasonable, and some perspectives on the situation. It has actually been helpful to distill it down to needing it to be resolved one way or another, particularly as it was just floating along. I don't know that I am determined to tell him, because of the obvious risks to our friendship, to people getting hurt etc. However the chance to think it through has been helpful.
I think your answer to how he feels is very much answered by the fact that he is in a long term relationship with another woman.
Yes they could be unhappy, but then he'd be unlikely to be considering marriage.
And yes he could be using her as a placeholder for you, but then he'd probably have split up with her when you became single again, just in case.
He'd be a horrid person if he's leading her her on whilst secretly loving you. He's already seeming like a terrible partner. Be honest, do you want a man who behaves like this?
Please back off for the sake of the girlfriend.
Do to others.. and all that.
It's that simple, op.
Judge him, OP
Judge him on his present behaviour towards his long term gf
He'll do that to you
Why wouldn't he ? He'll be justified in thinking you are ok with it, that is for sure
AF that is
probably the best a good point in that he knows I know how he has treated her and even though we've been relating like this for years before she came along, he will think I'm ok with it.
I'm not really ok with it, but I do think it's largely his responsibility to not initiate anything with me. Which he does.
Put it this way he does sound like a bit of a dick.
and you are a dick for playing along with it
Yeah maybe. It just never meant anything before.
Of course it meant something !
Just because you have got a different slant on it doesn't mean you have both acted very badly.
hello OP please move on from this, I bet he doesn't fancy you anymore - a lot can happen in 8 year. Now you fancy him (surprise), he is with someone else. What you both get out of this is the history you have together, the camaraderie that only really close friends develop, its great up to a point. But its neither fish nor fowl, worst of both worlds. Move on.
You've got a second date coming up this weekend? Great! Go, enjoy and distance yourself emotionally from this toxic 'friendship'. Seriously, speaking from experience, where the lines are blurred in any relationship (whether man or woman), it always ends up a nightmare. Good luck.
Don't live a life full of regret - it's soul destroying.
This. I'm sorry, I know it's a selfish and hurtful course of action towards his GF but I do honestly believe that in the long run it's best for everyone if you put your cards on the table.
Oh honestly. I'd avoid a big conversation as it will just up the drama. Instead, back off and stop bedsharing, holding hands, hair ruffling etc. It's just boosting his ego while distracting you from meeting other men.
I agree with Someone. Cards on the table and if he's no longer interested, forget him. His GF will be better of finding someone who really loves her and is not always dashing off to see his 'best friend'.
Have you no self respect OP?
How about finding out if he is "really" serious about the girlfriend before you give the whole situation another thought.
I agree he is treating/has treated her in an appalling manner, no wonder she moans, but your whole relationship is not a normal "friends" relationship, it sounds very bizarre to me!
Who knows he could be just with her out of habit, who knows? He may have be carrying a torch for you for years, or was just trying his luck all those years ago. If you make a move now you could end up horribly humiliated.
Whatever transpires your friendship should not continue as it is. It is not a "normal" friendship.
If you cannot make it a romantic relationship because when you have your sensible head on you can see him for what he is and be realistic about a future with him, just step away.
Good luck whatever you decide to do, but realise the "friendship" is unhealthy.
So he lives with his long term g/f but you visit each other and stay in each other's beds? Then you all go out but you two stay up late giggling after she has gone to bed? Well if I was that long term g/f I would kick him into next week, tbh it's like an affair but almost worse because you seem to be rubbing her nose in it rather than being discreet. I think you and he are both behaving very badly and btw just because everyone thinks you should be together doesn't mean it would have any chance of working if you were...
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
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