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Moving from friendship to something more.

(51 Posts)
CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree Wed 05-Dec-12 19:40:19

Thankyou for clicking on my self indulgent first world problem stealth boast grin

Split up from Uneventful marriage about 6 months ago, got back in contact with someone from my past. Always mates (he came to my wedding). Always known he had a soft spot for me back then but nothing ever happened.

Now I'm looking at him - both single. He ticks all ths boxes - really decent bloke and honestly I think he'd do anything for me. Love being in his company.

But I'm worried...

If there was supposed to be 'more' then why didn't this all happen 10 years ago.

If we get together and it doesn't work out it'd be really difficult with mutual friends etc

But god - it could be so good.

Any experience/thoughts gratefully received.

desparatelyseekingsomething Wed 05-Dec-12 19:47:05

why do you think that nothing happened 10 years ago?

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree Wed 05-Dec-12 19:54:25

Because he is 8 years older. He's a bit 'comfortable' and I was a shallow wench.

ohfunnyface Wed 05-Dec-12 20:08:17

I moved from friends to more following my marriage break down. Best thing we ever did, now expecting our first child.

As a teacher analogy (an English teacher one at that!) for an a* for have to gamble- you have to do something different, a little dangerous. It could all go horrifically wrong, but if it goes right: bingo. You win. A*.

Love is like that, friendship to lovers relationships are like that. It's a huge dangerous scary gamble, but if it pays off you have got the full package.

But then I'm probably massively biased as I am giddy in love and about to have a baby!

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree Wed 05-Dec-12 20:09:57

Well that's the kind of story I was hoping for ohfunny. How long were you mates? How did you know?

I need details! grin

Congrats on the pregnancy too.

backonline Wed 05-Dec-12 20:10:47

Because he is 8 years older. He's a bit 'comfortable' and I was a shallow wench. so now it is different which I think answers your question smile

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree Wed 05-Dec-12 20:14:00

But what if I'm still that shallow and I'm just stunned by the thought of having someone dote on me? I know there's no guarantees though.

ohfunnyface Wed 05-Dec-12 20:20:15

Haha!

Friends for just three years first- not massively close, but got progressively closer when I split and then moved to the same local area.

met him when we were both in relationships, knew we had a spark so kept a distance, then when my husband left and he broke things off with his gf we saw each other differently. Took a long time deciding- lots of will we won't we to start, and then just decided to jump! It's been amazing. A year on and we're just so happy and so secure in knowing this is 'right'. The unexpected baby (a first for both!) is just the perfect end to this year.

And yes we argue and have bad days- but our friendship means we understand each other and it's always quickly resolved. I think a strong friendship is the best foundation for a relationship- something I never had before and am so happy that I have now.

This is very soppy- I do apologise!

I was friends with my now DH for about 5 years before we got together. We'll have been very happily together 10 years next summer smile

I found it quite hard going from friends to a relationship. I wasn't sure it was going to be the right thing. All our mutual friend's eyes were on us too, which wasn't very nice. There was no privacy to see how things panned out.

DH used to say "I wish we'd got together years ago". But I think it probably wouldn't have worked out then. I was a different person and wanted different things. Good luck with it. It worked for us.......

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree Wed 05-Dec-12 20:25:34

Ah lovely stories - thank-you.

The thing is - I 'did' things correctly. Met a man, loved in, got married, had 2 Dcs... and that didn't work so I guess I need to change the script?

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree Wed 05-Dec-12 20:26:36

moved in not loved in (although at the the time I guess it felt like that)

nurseneedshelp Wed 05-Dec-12 20:34:29

Go for it!!!
I did and I'm the happiest I've EVER been.

I worked with my DP for 12 years and he was happily (or so I thought) married and I was with my vile abusive ex.

Fast forward,weve been together for 12 months, I often wonder why we didn't meet sooner but I wouldn't have my 2 gorgeous DC!

I didn't think it was possible time be this happy!

Good luck!

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree Wed 05-Dec-12 21:16:49

This is so nice to hear such positive stories smile

fooledagaincantbelieveit Thu 06-Dec-12 16:50:38

Hi OP!

I've just done a post on getting together with an old flame 'Fooled again - is it me?' (albeit you never had anything going with your friend before!). It is definitely worth the risk, BUT as I found out I'm on a real downer following an amazingly wonderful passionate weekend away and then...not much at all angry. I just want to sit and cry!

Doesn't mean you shouldn't try though, as another poster said 'Love is a gamble' and I guess I'll be back at the table soon, as soon as I've licked my wounds and feel up to it again...!Good Luck xxx

Autumnchill Thu 06-Dec-12 18:48:19

I married one of my best friends last year. Similar story to yours, but known each other for 20 years. I didn't realise he had a soft spot for me and I saw him just as a friend. When he told me I was so surprised but after some thought realised that there was a reason why I looked forward to seeing him and spending time together. He makes me laugh daily and supports me but I know 20 years ago, even 10 years ago, we wouldn't have worked as a couple. We work fantastically well now so I say go for it and see where it takes you!

Lavenderhoney Thu 06-Dec-12 19:12:54

It was different then though, you were in a different place, and so was he. If you start to see each other- invite him for dinner, attend drinks parties, go for walks etc then it's a gradual realisation for your friends, and also private enough that if it's not working you can both withdraw gracefully. I wouldn't get into any "ooh what if people find out " though, it sounds as though you are skulking about and are ashamed, which you aren't.

He sounds nice, you sound nice, I would go for it.

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree Thu 06-Dec-12 19:41:31

Thanks - had a bit of a text conversation (just about work) but one comment made me snort (in a good way - I promise). Another tick in the box smile

Might be seeing him for coffee tomorrow. I like the idea of private rather than skulking - that's very possible.

hermioneweasley Thu 06-Dec-12 19:47:14

You don't say that you fancy him

Lavenderhoney Thu 06-Dec-12 20:02:31

Is he aware you might be thinking of pouncingsmile

Has he asked you out on a date ? Or are you going to say you are thinking of seeing x film at the cinema ( pick a blokey one) and is he free?

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree Thu 06-Dec-12 20:27:25

hermione - I don't know confused That's the bit I'm struggling with... I've looked at him for so long as a reliable mate that I'm analysing the 'fancying' part. He's looking "better" this time around (IYSWIM) He hasn't physically changed - I'm fancying his mind, sense of humour and trying not to get hung up on the physical part as it brings out the shallowness in me.

I think I do though - I keep picturing him and I together wink and yeah - it feels good.

He wouldn't be aware of any intended pounce - no! I we have a few 'dates' in the diary anyway.

hermioneweasley Thu 06-Dec-12 20:37:54

I can't imagine making a move on someone if I'm not crazed with lust, can't keep hands off etc. don't know how it works for everyone else.

legojunkie Thu 06-Dec-12 20:40:07

Do you fancy him physically?

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree Thu 06-Dec-12 20:41:45

Therein lies the crux of the matter hermione!

Other people getting together after 5/10/15 years of friendship must have had similar thoughts though... Timing wrong/not fancying.... Nobody fancies the arse of someoene else with that intensity and waits patiently for years. It must wax and wane.

Lavenderhoney Thu 06-Dec-12 20:42:58

Sounds very nicesmile I hope he is hoping to pouncesmile

I have a history of bf who are lovely, clever, successful but visually challenging ( my so called friends were always very rude) but I only saw the things that mattered to me. My dh is lovely, and getting more sexy as he gets older, he is growing into himself iykwim.

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree Thu 06-Dec-12 20:44:11

I feel like I have woken up and am seeing him in a different way. I don't want anyone to get hurt, hence the hesitation - but am I over thinking it or actually am I right to stay friends?

I think I do fancy him. I've thought about him differently for weeks now (seen him twice after a kind of absence of 5 odd years)

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree Thu 06-Dec-12 20:47:23

Visually challenging... That's what I'd have said back in the shallow days of yesteryear.

I've been perusing the thread about what your partner brings to your life, and I know he would bring so so much.

Wecanfixit Thu 06-Dec-12 20:55:48

Go for it I say what have you got to loose?, as the old adage goes nothing venutured nothing gained!

Lavenderhoney Thu 06-Dec-12 20:57:42

If you were here with a glass of wine, I would say you were overthinking itsmile and to get on with it.

But as you are not, then stop stressing, he clearly finds you attractive so carry on as you are and see him as soon as you can before you explode with nerves.

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree Thu 06-Dec-12 21:00:07

OK - I have wine... That advice works for me.

The worst that happens is hurt feelings. Nobody is going to die.

There are so many good things about him - I couldn't see the wood for the trees.

Lavenderhoney Thu 06-Dec-12 21:00:27

I am not shallow btw, just happy I can see the wood for the trees when it comes down to menfolk (mostly, I too have had my head messed with, by the man I now refer to as the prince of darkness) tosser.

Lavenderhoney Thu 06-Dec-12 21:02:05

Ooh x post!

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree Thu 06-Dec-12 21:06:23

arf at wood for trees analogy!

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree Fri 07-Dec-12 14:16:01

Well coffee was lurvely - and yep do fancy him... Yay!

Lavenderhoney Fri 07-Dec-12 18:02:14

How lovely! Do you think he fancies you? Any pouncing? smile When s yor next encounter?

colinandhisdeaddogs Fri 07-Dec-12 18:06:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

colinandhisdeaddogs Fri 07-Dec-12 18:08:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree Fri 07-Dec-12 22:12:11

Yes - I think he does. No pouncing but there was a 'moment' where had it not been a busy high street it might have been more than a quick goodbye kiss IYKWIM

I also had rumour from a 3rd party that he does like me.

Yay!

Lavenderhoney Sun 09-Dec-12 02:19:59

Hope it goes well for yousmile

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree Mon 10-Dec-12 06:04:37

Well reader I did it grin

I pounced and it was wonderful. I am so pleased we did it. What a way to start the week!

Thankyou all thanks

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 10-Dec-12 07:35:35

"Nobody fancies the arse of someoene else with that intensity and waits patiently for years."

Try 30 years in my case. smile We're still not a couple but the attraction is very much there. Our story is combination of terrible timing and selfless personalities who try to do the decent thing and make others' lives happy rather than follow their hearts. We've been reviewing our lives recently and realised that it's been one long series of near misses. Would make a great novel.

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree Mon 10-Dec-12 12:12:09

Ah - is there a chance that the timing will be right any time soon cog?

Lavenderhoney Mon 10-Dec-12 17:09:10

Sounds great, it is a good startsmile

cognito, sounds interesting... Have you thought of writing it?

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree Mon 31-Dec-12 11:03:20

Thought I'd come back and update. Nice to have something positive...

It's been amazing. I can't believe how 'together' we are. Just having the best time. So much fun. Sex is great. Fancy the arse off him. It's just so good and getting better. We've talked about the future together, and all that it entails.

So thankyou for all your advice. 2013 is set to be amazing grin

What a lovely thread.

Best of luck OP smile

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree Mon 31-Dec-12 16:40:08

I know. It's got all the excitement of a new relationship without any of the game playing bullshit.

ohfunnyFRANKENface Tue 01-Jan-13 08:34:22

Well done for taking that chance!!

I married a friend, 14 years ago. I didn't fancy him when we were friends, because you don't do you. When someone is in the 'friend's box' you don't think of them like that. When we got together it was like seeing him for the first time, - he's gorgeous, kind, funny, intelligent, and the rest. Can't believe I didn't see it before.

I think it is easier being with someone you know well as a friend, because you aren't blinded by infatuation at outset, you know them, warts and all.

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree Tue 01-Jan-13 08:45:39

We decided to get married last night too.

Can't fricken believe it actually...

grin grin grin

extracrunchy Tue 01-Jan-13 09:14:14

Oh wow congratulations!!! That's made my day grin

Awww, congratulations!

RiddoTheRedNosedReindeer Tue 01-Jan-13 09:27:09

Congratulations!

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