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OD advice, is he playing it cool or not interested.

(32 Posts)
sunny177 Wed 05-Dec-12 18:01:52

Well I have been OD for about 2 months after finishing from a lt relationship 6 months ago. Been chatting to this guy who is lovely and had 2 dates. Both went really well and we had a laugh and both seemed to enjoy ourselves. He has been texting me since the 2nd date as have I. Just general stuff like how was your day and what are you up to etc nothing flirty or otherwise romantic. We went on our second date on Saturday and he said he'd like to get together again at some point but no arrangements had been made, I Kind of initiated 2nd date so don't want to be the one to ask this time and guessing that I should let him say so I know if he does like me or not.

sunny177 Wed 05-Dec-12 18:03:11

Sorry pressend send too soon,

So my question is what do you think. He's been texting me loads but does he really like me or would he of asked me out again a,ready by now if he does? It's all soooo confusing lol x

CheeseStrawWars Wed 05-Dec-12 18:04:01

He's not that into you. Sorry.

gymboywalton Wed 05-Dec-12 18:04:03

he's not that interested
if they are interested they call

hatesponge Wed 05-Dec-12 18:12:00

Seriously, all the he's not that into you is mostly bullshit, designed to make women passive!

If he is still texting you, then he is still interested at some level - men don't keep up polite conversation for the sake of it. Now it might be he has another date lined up with someone else and wants to see what happens there first (ie keeping his options open) or he might be a bit slow on the uptake. Or just not know when he's free next.

There's 2 ways of going about it- next text you reply to drop in a question about the weekend ie what are you up to? and see what he says (assuming you're free at the weekend to see him that is). Alternatively, say you are free/doing XYZ at the weekend and does he fancy meeting up/joining you?

If he really isnt interested, he either wont reply or come back with a flimsy excuse. And at least you'll know rather than waiting around wondering!

Good luck smile

Walkacrossthesand Wed 05-Dec-12 18:23:12

Gotta disagree with you, hatesponge. It's not about encouraging women to be passive - it's reminding us that a relationship is driven forward by 2 people wanting it to happen. Women are much more inclined than men to build up hopes based on one or two dates, and it's a way of keeping that tendency in check - OP said she felt she had 'led' on 2nd date, so now it's his turn. As the relationship develops & is clearly mutual, then this becomes less necessary - but I say don't suggest another date now! It's his turn!

sunny177 Wed 05-Dec-12 18:43:03

Ok this is where I'm confused. I see that maybe he is playing it cool but guess he wouldn't waste his time texting me if he wasn't interested. He's been texting when with his mates in the pub and at work and he starts the texts so not as if he's just politely answering but on the other hand maybe he isn't and is just friendly?? But I won't be asking him this time as feel I want him to ask me so I can at least know he likes me and wants to see me. This dating lark is hard work, it was so simpler when I was 16 and you couldn't text!!

Conflugenglugen Wed 05-Dec-12 19:09:40

Too much thinking; life's too short. How about contacting him and saying "How do you feel about a third date?"

sarahseashell Wed 05-Dec-12 19:19:29

probably playing it cool - I'd do likewise and just see what if anything develops in time? Are you sure he's not married/in a relationship if he tends to text you more when he's out?

startlife Wed 05-Dec-12 19:27:53

I don't believe in the playing it 'cool'. If he's interested you would know, you're unsure so that tells us something.

Texting doesn't really have a personal cost to him but arranging a date does. Your instinct is telling you he isn't that keen but the texting is confusing you. My gut reaction is that he is keeping you on the sidelines..maybe he has other women is similar positions.

CheeseStrawWars Wed 05-Dec-12 19:30:20

Personally, I can't stand all that "wait x days before calling" rubbish. If you're keen, and don't want this one to get away, you make plans, show interest. If he's sending "friendly but not flirty" texts, he's not that into you. And I haven't read the book, so can't comment on passive/not. If I phrase it as "he's not that keen", does that sound better? But then I'm not telling you anything you don't know, as if he was keen, you'd know where you stood. If you're keen you don't say "I'd like to get together again at some point", you say "I'd like to get together again, are you free this weekend/next weekend".

I wouldn't want to hang about for someone who wants me to be a back-up in the absence of a better offer, which is what it sounds like to me. Forget him. If he then gets in touch to suggest a date, take it from there. But don't sit around waiting!

JustFabulous Wed 05-Dec-12 19:32:29

Just text him and say "would you like to go on another date?"

He will either reply yes and give a time.
He will either reply yes but not be forthcoming. ie not that bothered.
He won't reply. You will know where you are then.

Text rather than a phone call is better in this case as it is easier if the decision is no more dates.

sunny177 Wed 05-Dec-12 20:41:03

Thanks all for your views and I think I shall just leave it to him and see what happens. I'm not prepared to be second best or messed around so we shall see! I know what you were saying about him only texting when out but I should have been clearer he texts all the time but meant he wasn't just texting when home bored iykwim. I'm going to see if he continues to text me loads and at some point may just say to him are you going to ask me out again or not? Texting is doing my head in as I don't know where I stand.
Anyhow we shall see what happens x

allchangeplease Wed 05-Dec-12 23:19:53

I'd sugggest this: if you are annoyed by his texting, try not replying or replying much more briefly than before /not every time - i.e. distance a bit. If he's keen he may ask why and you could say that you'd much rather talk in person and you aer not into texting, if he doesn't ask you out then then really forget him. If he doesn't even ask why you aer pulling back, then obviously just leave it.

sunny177 Thu 06-Dec-12 17:31:55

Thanks all. He continues to text and apologises if he hasn't for whatever reason. Sounds like his mum is poorly so he is often there looking after her so I guess it may be the I don't know when we'd get to meet?? Anyway I kind of think I shall continue as it is for now as texts are nice and just think if it goes somewhere great if it doesn't nothing lost. If over weekend he still hasn't asked might just ask him outright what it is he's thinking. I do think part of it is shyness but we shall see. smile

Lavenderhoney Thu 06-Dec-12 19:23:35

Good idea to leave it to him now. I hope you have lots of plans for the weekend and beyond, even if it's just home stuff. If he likes you he will call you. If not, well, at least you will have been out, had some fun and won't be moping waiting around for him. He wont be expecting you to that anyway.

SorryMyLollipop Thu 06-Dec-12 19:59:52

If he's sending "friendly but not flirty" texts, he's not that into you hmm
Really? I've been with my BF for 7 months and very rarely get "flirty" texts from him. Maybe he is just a decent bloke who respects women!?

OP, he may need a prompt from you. My BF is very shy and I had to initiate things in the early stages, well worth it in the long term wink

sunny177 Thu 06-Dec-12 20:23:31

Ah thanks for that, I really do think he wouldn't waste his time texting me if he wasn't interested and I do believe he's shy! He hasn't been on match since our second date so that just say something too??

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Thu 06-Dec-12 20:25:56

Remember that you've only had a couple of dates so you are still checking each other out, and both of you are at liberty to date as many other people as you want.

sunny177 Thu 06-Dec-12 20:30:45

Completely understand that he might be dating others but just making point he hasn't been online in the past week, if he wasn't keen at all he'd still be actively looking like he was before.

CheeseStrawWars Thu 06-Dec-12 20:36:52

Lollipop - are you really saying that anyone who flirts is disrespecting the person they are flirting with? Or maybe we're quibbling over semantics - flirty doesn't mean filthy, to me anyway.

Fwiw, I initiated things with my DH, but I knew by the end of the second date where we stood.

I do think you're overthinking it, OP. If you're that invested in the guy, put yourself out of your misery and ask him what he's up to this weekend.

SorryMyLollipop Thu 06-Dec-12 21:44:46

Not at all, just saying that the assumption that he's not interested because of a lack of flirty texts is a bit over the top. Not everyone is comfortable with text flirting.

However, there also seems to be an expectation, particularly in the world of OD, that texting leads to text flirting, leads to sexting very quickly. Some men are very respectful (and/or shy) and wouldn't be pushing it that way.

janelikesjam Thu 06-Dec-12 22:03:21

All this texting is so 6th grade <whatever than meansgrin>

Seriously, unless you're both 15, its really boring ....

JustFabulous Fri 07-Dec-12 17:44:02

You have been on 2 dates so I think it is a tad too soon to be talking about "second best" and "being messed around." Maybe if his mother is ill he has more important things to do than think about arranging a date or going on line.

sunny177 Fri 07-Dec-12 21:32:50

Isn't that what I said! of course he has more important things if his mum is ill he's not going to be thinking of me and I expect no different. In my op I wasn't aware of that or I wouldn't have even posted and yes after 2 dates I dont expect anything from him but was asking people's opinion on if they felt he was interested or not.

SorryMyCandyCaneLollipop Fri 07-Dec-12 22:49:43

So what's the situation now sunny? Have you asked him out again? Has he asked you out?

sunny177 Fri 07-Dec-12 23:16:50

Well he's still been texting loads but his mum is really poorly and sounds like things aren't too good with her so he is a bit all over the place. Been a bit more flirty though and hinted at getting together just no plans as yet. I'll keep you all posted smile

SorryMyCandyCaneLollipop Fri 07-Dec-12 23:20:35

Please do, hope it goes well.

I met my BF online, the early days were quite tricky especially with dating etiquette, texting etc, after not being on the dating scene for 16 years. 7 months on all is well smile

sunny177 Sat 08-Dec-12 00:17:58

It is so weird isn't it? I was only 16 last time I dated anyone and then there was no texting and everything seemed so simple lol. X def will let you know. Nice to hear someone else's positive experience, like you 15 years out of the saddle takes some getting used to again grin

Viviennemary Sat 08-Dec-12 00:29:18

I'd say if he's texting he's still interested otherwise why would he bother. Two dates is very early days but I can't see why there shouldn't be more dates. Can't say for certain of course!

sunny177 Sun 09-Dec-12 16:46:36

Hey all, he's been texting even suggesting we watch a film at his in new year so I just went for it and asked him again in which he sounded keen and going out Thursday or Saturday babysitter dependent lol. Will keep you all posted wink

sunny177 Sun 16-Dec-12 13:19:27

Hey all, just another quick update. Went it cinema last night and after he said he'd had a great time and would love to see me again! He is def very shy though or just a gentlemen??

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