Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Dh called me a fucking cunt.

(56 Posts)
sallyanne06 Mon 03-Dec-12 11:53:58

Yesterday. He was getting ready to leave for London for work yesterday..(He stays in london Mon-thursday sometimes leaving sunday night) So he was in a mood because he hates going on a sunday.
He was in upstairs bathroom and I was outside on landing ironing his shirt. DD aged 12 was coming up the stairs and he shouted at her to go get him mouthwash from down stairs bathroom. She asked him where abouts it was...He shouted "Just open your eyes and look" As he was standing next to me nearly burst my eardrum.

I turned to him and calmly said "please dont shout, she is asking because its dark in the bathroom"..(lights broke)

He glared at me and stormed back in the bathroom shouthing "fucking cunt"

DD Shouted up the stairs "dont say that to mum" and DH poked head round door glaring at me and said to me "you just cant help yourself can you"

He got in shower..i finished ironing shirt and pretended to dd that i was fine. We sat in car in silence on way to train station. I felt relief when he got out and dd and I chatted happily all the way home.
But I cant stop thinking about it and hearing the nasty way he said it. He has called me that maybe twice before in our 20 years together.
I have had no apology, no text, no email, iam not even going to pick up if he calls me this week.
Please be gentle..feeling fragile today...Am I over reacting to THAT word?

SpoonyFuckersWife Mon 03-Dec-12 11:56:42

He is the fucking cunt. Disgusting behaviour.

Adviceinscotland Mon 03-Dec-12 11:57:23

No you're not over reacting, it's a horrible thing to say but I'm not sure the cold shoulder approach is best.

I would have to text or email to say exactly how I felt then take it from there (see what his reply is)

How are things usually? Is that totally out of character or is there any other abusive traits?

Doshusallie Mon 03-Dec-12 11:58:50

No you are not.

Now don't get me wrong - my DH has explosions of swearing at me when he is really riled, I hate it and I never swear at him - but in the heat of a row he does cross the line.

But in the circumstances you describe, he was completely out of order. Particularly in ear shot of your daughter. I think you are right to withdraw from him. He needs to apologise and mean it.

BOFingSanta Mon 03-Dec-12 12:00:04

This sounds very hard to believe, coming out of nowhere like that. I don't think you would be over-reacting to chuck his stuff in a binbag, tbh.

Guiltypleasures001 Mon 03-Dec-12 12:00:47

Hi op

the words fuck you iron your own fecking shirt, then let him crawl back and apologise, he needs to be more organised for this not to happen, and you can help him do this, by not organising another damn thing for him.

sallyanne06 Mon 03-Dec-12 12:04:35

He can be a bully. He is always always right. If you asked him he would tell you. He has never been wrong in his life. He normally calls me idiot and thats bad enough but cunt just about killed me for some reason. I realise that sounds crazy. He can be pleasant and then something will start him off. He wont say sorry because its always my fault. I just keep my mouth shut if he gets like that. I learned arguing back gets me nowhere about 15 years ago.

ohfunnyface Mon 03-Dec-12 12:09:32

That is horrible, just utterly horrible. I'm so pleased your daughter stuck up for you, but so sad she heard it sad

Have things been bad for a while? Is it possible he's seeing someone else, hence his vitriolic explosion at you?

So sorry you've had this happen and I agree- ignore him this week.

ohfunnyface Mon 03-Dec-12 12:12:13

Oh you sound so beaten down- it's not too late. He only behaves like this because he knows he can. You should be with someone who actually wants to be with you, not someone who is so vile and nasty. If you're so terrible- why hasn't he left?! I imagine because you're actually lovely and he enjoys lauding it over you.

I've never called anyone that in my entire life. Although I appreciate others don't seem to mind it.

How sad that you realised 15 years ago that he was like this and he can be a bully but that you decided to stay with him. He sounds awful, I'm afraid, and I wouldn't tolerate that behaviour. No matter how much shit I've been through at times, I may get moody and snappy occasionally, but I've never spoken to a partner in an offensive way - in fact, barely even had a row.

PeppermintPasty Mon 03-Dec-12 12:12:38

I'm pretty laid back about swearing, and me and DP do swear in conversation now and again, but the thing we don't do is swear like this at each other and we don't call each other vile stuff like this. I don't think you're overreacting. If such a piece of venom was directed at me, and I thought he really meant what he said, I would be re-evaluating the whole relationship because it so utterly horrible and disrespectful.

Only you know if it was a stupid and thoughtless explosion (still bad imo), or a reflection of his deepest feelings about you.

PeppermintPasty Mon 03-Dec-12 12:14:03

Just seen your last post. He calls you an idiot? What a charmless piece of work he is.

puddock Mon 03-Dec-12 12:16:25

This - shouting, swearing, bullying, ludicrous attempts to blame others for their own bad behaviour - sounds like the sort of thing you might just about forgive your teenager for. From an adult, father, partner? Not acceptable.

PurtyDarnFine Mon 03-Dec-12 12:18:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aPirateInaPearTree Mon 03-Dec-12 12:19:09

i feel for you op. that's bloody pitiful calling someone that, with such vitriol.

it's absolutely disgusting. I would not stay with a man like that, your poor dd. It sounds as tho he has brainwashed you to behave abnormally towards his foul behaviour.

How does xmas with just you and dd sound. i really would pack his stuff.

NO MORE surely sad

ouryve Mon 03-Dec-12 12:20:14

No, no you are not over reacting. The words themselves are nasty enough, but the way he said them to you shows he has very little respect for you. I don't care how much he hates working away - no one deserves to be talked to like that.

Lueji Mon 03-Dec-12 12:21:18

What ohfunny said Oh you sound so beaten down

In normal conditions, I'd have stopped ironing his shirt right then.

I don't think you are over reacting at all. It's not so much the word, as the attitude, really.
And from what you say he is really like, then is it worth it, really?

PretzelTime Mon 03-Dec-12 12:22:12

You don't sound crazy OP.
He sounds like a man who doesn't deserve to celebrate xmas with you and your DD.

ouryve Mon 03-Dec-12 12:22:49

Just to add, I left the H who spoke to me like that and made out that it was my fault. It's not a healthy way to live.

BOFingSanta Mon 03-Dec-12 12:22:53

Are you saying that he has been violent to you in the past?

Arthurfowlersallotment Mon 03-Dec-12 12:26:13

Your first step should be to stop ironing the cunt's shirts.

And then kick his odious arse out of your house and tell him to stay in London. I would not accept treatment like this.

rockinaroundthebadtasteflump Mon 03-Dec-12 12:26:58

OP that's disgusting. Bad enough without your DD being there to hear it sad

And you sound completely worn down by it - not surprisingly.

You say arguing back gets you nowhere, but where does putting up with it get you? Can you think of any positives of actually being with him at all?

sallyanne06 Mon 03-Dec-12 12:28:35

Never violent. Just put downs, names, glares, How does he put up with me type conversations. He shouts a lot. I frustrate and anger him beause Iam not a perfect human being. Everything is always my fault. I avoid certain topics, like our leaking roof (tht we cant seem to fix) Because he shouts and lectures and call me an idiot for not getting it sorted.

PeppermintPasty Mon 03-Dec-12 12:32:03

What do you want sallyanne? Do you want him in your life (he will always be the dc's Dad)? How is all this making you feel. You sound like you have accepted your lot?

ouryve Mon 03-Dec-12 12:32:03

He might not be hitting you, but really, I can't say enough, that IS no way to live, sallyanne. He might not be violent, but the way he's treating you IS abusive.

rockinaroundthebadtasteflump Mon 03-Dec-12 12:32:45

Are you a roofer by trade then OP? hmm

Verbal abuse is just as damaging as physical violence. Do you have a support network around you, ie friends, family who know the situation and you can talk to about it?

Ephiny Mon 03-Dec-12 12:32:45

I don't think you're over-reacting. What a vile and aggressive way to speak to you, and even more horrible that he'd do it in front of a child.

If it was a case of saying something he didn't mean in the heat of the moment and under stress, there should be massive apologies and trying to make it up to you and promise it won't happen again. The fact that he makes out it's your fault is not good.

What a nasty piece of work. And you stay with him why?

I'd have ironed a big hole in his shirt, or maybe in his brain!

sallyanne06 Mon 03-Dec-12 12:46:12

He just called my mobile. I ignored. Dont feel ready to hear anything he has to say. and dont want him to just carry on like it didnt happen.

raskolnikov Mon 03-Dec-12 12:49:47

That is completely unacceptable behaviour OP, talking to you like that is bad enough, the 'idiot' comments etc, but to speak like that in front of your daughter is awful. He should have immediately apologised to you and to her.

I don't think keeping quiet is good enough - you need to tell him he can't talk to you like that. Your daughter needs to get the message that talking like that to anyone (but especially a wife, mother etc) is absolutely not ok. From the sound of it, the next tirade could be directed towards her and then what would you do?

Sallyingforth Mon 03-Dec-12 12:51:54

I would send him a text: "I don't want to hear anything from you except an apology to DD and myself."

raskolnikov Mon 03-Dec-12 12:52:03

Sorry, cross-post. I think you need to hear what he has to say and address it. Leaving the discussion for a day or two will not make it easier and you need to confront him on this.

i think ignoring him this week is a good idea... and its good that he's away as you can use this time to think things through.

there is no way i would be with a guy that called me names, put me down and was rude and disrespectful towards me. that is not what a marriage/relationship is about. and that word... ugh... just no! i hate it!

i think you really need to think about what you want. whether you are happy to continue living with his behaviour and put downs or whether you want a change either with or without him.

one thing that would worry me though is if he treats your daughter the same way... or whether you're worried that he might one day start on her as well. its not just you that is being affected, its her too. and fair play to her for sticking up for you too. have you spoken to her at all about how she feels about his behaviour? might be worth having a talk with her, it might make decision making a bit easier

sallyanne

So why do you stay within this?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What keeps you with him?.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships, her dad is certainly imparting damaging lessons on relationships to this young person. He is neither a good dad nor a decent husband.

This is not the role model you really want her to emulate when she is herself an adult is it?. It is not your fault he is emotionally abusive but you do not have to prolong your own miseries by remaining with someone like this. Such men do not change; he regards you as a lesser person.

sallyanne06 Mon 03-Dec-12 14:01:11

He texted..Do i want to see if there is a cheap weekend away we can all go on before christmas?..(not totallyout of the blue we had talked about this saturday.) I take it he is going with the carry on as normal and pretend it didnt happen tactic? I havent replied...just cried. Am I really not even worth an apology? Iam not even surprised. It was either this tactic or blaming me and being angry with me. because he is never at fault.

Lueji Mon 03-Dec-12 14:04:09

I'd reply saying, I don't know why you would want to spend a weekend with a cunt like me.

Or just No.

He is asking if "you" want to see, and a "cheap" weekend.
Oh, the romance...

sallyanne06 Mon 03-Dec-12 14:04:47

I have replied "no I dont" to his text. Iam taking a chance, that could get his back up..but I dont want to just sweep this under the carpet. I want to address that I need to have a proper apology.

Bumpsadaisie Mon 03-Dec-12 14:07:02

He sounds like a spoilt child who gets the rest of the family pussyfooting around him because he feels so hard done to about having to work.

You were ironing his shirt. Your DD was doing an errand for him. He spoke to you both in a disgusting way.

If my DH called me a fucking cunt in front of my DD while I was ironing his shirt I would have gone absolutely mental.

DH always apologises like an adult if he has been snappy and unreasonable. You ought to expect the same.

schobe Mon 03-Dec-12 14:08:19

You're even scared of sending that response in case it 'gets his back up'.

This is worse than you think you know. Most of us don't have to live that way.

Bumpsadaisie Mon 03-Dec-12 14:08:29

Stop playing around with "ignoring" him etc.

Tell him loud and clear that his behaviour was revolting, you will not stand for it, he ought to be ashamed of himself and it is certainly not "business as usual" in your relationship until such time as he makes amends.

KristinaM Mon 03-Dec-12 14:10:57

Im sorry, but your marriage needs more than an apology

Do you want to stay with him Sally?

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 03-Dec-12 14:13:30

Put-downs and name-calling are abuse.

You also describe him as a bully, and a man who always has to be right - hallmarks of abuse. Abuse is about control and domination.

The only thing you can do is educate yourself (here is a good start) and surround yourself with support: friends you can talk to, GP, therapist for counselling if you feel confused and ground down and would like to talk through your feelings and options with a neutral profesisonal, Women's Aid for a friendly listening ear and advice, solicitor if you want to start exploring your legal and financial options for getting out...

He won't change, nor will he accept responsibility for his own behaviour. You need to decide when enough is enough for you. And how best to protect your daughter.

rockinaroundthebadtasteflump Mon 03-Dec-12 14:15:36

Agree with others that you need much more than just an apology. And sadly it is telling of how much he controls you that you are scared of saying " No I dont" because it could 'get his back up'.

Lueji Mon 03-Dec-12 14:24:35

His text reminds me of my ex, who in the morning after he did something nasty (can't remember what it was), asked me to prepare his breakfast (which I had never done, unless it was cooked and for both, and not even his mum used to do).
It's like they want to know if they managed to put you down enough.

He got a WTF look and a not a chance reply.

Our marriage didn't last much after those events.

It's up to you if you want to carry on and accept his nasty behaviour towards you.

sallyanne this is verbal abuse.

Which is classified as domestic abuse.

Some people are surprised to hear that. Did you know that verbal abuse is bad, and people shouldn't do it? Specifically, the way he speaks to you is bad, and he shouldn't speak to you like that? You don't deserve it. It is wrong and he is a bad person.

Mollydoggerson Mon 03-Dec-12 15:39:54

Emotional abuse

I would text back 'Why would I wish to subject myself or dd to any further verbal abuse? We would both be happy to have some respite and perhaps you could stay in London this weekend.'

CaliforniaSucksSnowballs Mon 03-Dec-12 20:30:18

What an arse he is. Don't put up with this any longer. He's doing it in front of your child now. He is teaching her that this is how men treat their wifes and you putting up with it validates that. I just know you want a better marriage and relationship than this for your Dd when she grows up.

Why on earth would you pretend to your DD that it was ok? It's not ok! It's not ok when he calls you idiot either.

You don't need an apology. You need to sort out your marriage. If he won't stop verbally abusing you then seriously think about why you are staying in this relationship. No one deserves to be treated like this.

I'm sorry he's acting this way to you, I know exactly how awful it is to be subjected to. My husband is a controlling bully who is always right, never been wrong in his life either. I am stupid, don't think things through, ask idiotic questions, and fuck up constantly. And recently I was called a fuckig cunt, fuckig twat and pathetic excuse for a mother.

My divorce will be final on Wednesday morning. I highly encourage you to rethink your situation and whether you believe it can change. If you think it can, that's wonderful and work hard at it with him. If you don't, don't waste another minute of your precious life with someone that doesn't appreciate or respect you. Life is too short to be this miserable.

UsedToBeASize10 Tue 18-Nov-14 16:19:07

I realise this is a very old thread but just out of curiosity, what did you decide to do in the end? Your words are music to my ears.

littlebearsmummy Tue 18-Nov-14 17:34:02

I grew up with parents who had a similar relationship. Ie dad would shout, lose his temper, say the occasionally really nasty comment to mum but usually just mildly nasty words. Never anything physical. We would all dread his being in the house as you knew something small could set him off. Your post reminded me so strongly of arguments I saw them have I wanted to say for the sake of your daughter, please find the strength and courage to fight this behaviour and break the cycle. My mum never did (is still in it) and growing up witnessing these comments and fights was utterly horrendous. Forgive me if I haven't contributed anything helpful and am somewhat inarticulate...Ive never posted before, just couldn't stop myself because your daughter witnessed it. Good luck.

airforsharon Tue 18-Nov-14 17:54:01

Fantastic that your daughter was quick to defend you and let him know his behaviour was wrong.....but she shouldn't be having to defend you.

Sorry OP, you need to grow a back bone - i'm another one who grew up in a household where we had to tiptoe round the Big Man in case he blew. It's no way to live.

Vivacia Tue 18-Nov-14 18:13:18

Zombie thread

airforsharon Tue 18-Nov-14 20:31:59

D'oh!

ChippingInAutumnLover Tue 18-Nov-14 20:38:14

Zombie Thread

IUsedToBe - it's really not nice dragging old relationship threads up, why didn't you just PM the OP if you really had to know what happened and your comment is really ODD hmm

Plus, it's bloody annoying to read the whole damn thing to realise it's years old and you can't actually help the OP angry

ZOMBIE THREAD

CrispyFern Tue 18-Nov-14 20:44:37

Poor OP, I hope things are better for her now. sad

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now