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Gutted - My 'Wedding Day' is off.

(68 Posts)
bluetufty Mon 03-Dec-12 09:50:19

I feel so stupid for being upset when there are real problems going on in the world but would love some help to try and get my situation into perspective. 10 years ago my husband and I wanted to get married but we were extremely strapped financially so decided to simply go to a registry office and get married officially and then re-say our vows on our 10 year anniversary. We had 4 guests on the day (his family), (I don't have any family but I did want some of my friends but we agreed they could go to the proper wedding). I had no dress, bouquet, nothing. We did have a couple of photos taken but that was that.
We already had two children together so I was happy that we all had the same name and we felt like a proper family.
Every year I have asked my husband to acknowledge our wedding anniversary and he has refused until this year. Year 10 when we were supposed to be having a wedding day (v small still but better than nothing). He point blank refused but said we could go to Budapest for the weekend instead. We went and he was a nightmare. He smelt and dressed like a tramp. So much for a romantic weekend away.
I stopped wearing my wedding ring last year because he had been very verbally abusive and I told him that I wouldn't wear my ring until he stopped abusing me, and that I would wear it again when we said our vows again. He has mostly stopped being abusive but last night I tried to talk about our 'wedding day' to reassure him that I would be happy to keep it small he got really nasty and told me he had made a mistake getting married in the first place.
I guess I just wanted to feel special and loved for the day and now that's off and I feel stupid for being so tearful.
I have two gorgeous daughters who are 10 and 12 and they really need their dad, so I have to stay married for them.
But I wish I didn't feel so gutted.
Thanks for letting me babble on....

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 03-Dec-12 09:51:58

I would also say your "marriage" is off

Please don't stay with an abusive man for your daughters, you are teaching them some terrible lessons.

You don't have to stay married for your children, you are being abused, he's an arsehole - leave.

pictish Mon 03-Dec-12 09:53:54

Crikey - it's YOU who should be putting the kybosh on this celebration.
Think about it...why are you so keen to celebrate this miserable union, where you are devalued and disrespected?
Do you think it will prove how much he loves you?
I think he has already proved how much he doesn't.

Sorry to be so harsh, bit what's in it for you other than the dress?

ohfunnyface Mon 03-Dec-12 09:56:46

Would you want your daughters to mimic your relationship?

By staying with their dad you're telling them it is ok to be verbally abused and unloved.

And it isn't, it really really isn't.

bluetufty Mon 03-Dec-12 10:02:21

You are all right and pictish I think you've hit it on the head when you say it's about him proving that he loves me. And I think that's why I need to get my head sorted about it. I'm crying over the loss of an event rather than focusing on the real issue.
Just need to pull myself together a bit.
Thank you everyone

pictish Mon 03-Dec-12 10:05:32

No need to leave your dreadful husband, and live a life where you are regarded well and treated with respect.
No party is ever going to put things right between you.
I'm sorry you are in this situation. x

Mayisout Mon 03-Dec-12 10:23:57

The DDs can have a good relationship with him even if you separate. It could be even a better relationship because they won't see his abuse of you.

No, you do NOT have to stay married for them. A marriage is between two people. Children are part of a family and not a marriage. If the marriage breaks down, the children still have a dad.

bluetufty Mon 03-Dec-12 10:29:47

I'm getting some good advice here and I really appreciate it. My girls are the only precious things in my life.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Mon 03-Dec-12 10:32:36

I can sort of understand your disappointment, I'd love a lovely day (not big and expensive just lovely!), big dress & beautiful ring. BUT I'd rather chew my left arm off then marry into his family and take his families name.

He's misold you a dream. I think you know what you need to do xx

You poor lass. Ten years is a long time waiting for somebody to be something that they aren't.

I agree - this is a terrible 'marriage'. The best thing you can teach your daughters is not to stay with an abusive man.

squeakytoy Mon 03-Dec-12 10:42:04

OP, in another ten years time, your girls will be independent adults. Would you really want to spend another decade of misery, and then be left with just him and you on your own when the girls have long since moved out?

They wont be damaged by their parents relationship ending, they will possibly be damaged by spending their teenage years growing up in the atmosphere that they currently live in as they will be becoming more aware of relationships and yours so far is the only adult relationship that they see every day.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Mon 03-Dec-12 10:42:36

I agree with all of the others.

You aren't doing your girls any good whatsoever by staying with him. If one of your girls was in a relationship like this, what would you say to her?

It's time to show them that this is NOT acceptable and you and they are worth more than this.

cakehappy Mon 03-Dec-12 10:42:57

My parents stayed together for the sake of the children and totally fucked us up in the meantime. They finally seperated and so much damaged had been done, we have never all been together in the same place since. If you want to truly do the best thing for your daughters, dont let them witness their mum being verbally abused by their dad. MUCH more damaging then living with a single(often happier) parent Dont fool yourself that they dont know what is going on either. You can also open your future to having a wonderful wedding but perhaps to a man who loves you enough to help you make your dreams come true which the man you are with doesnt seem to want to do. Not acceptable in my book. Have a think about these things, this man treats you badly. The wedding is a red herring, I think you have to look at how he is with you on all levels.

Lueji Mon 03-Dec-12 10:46:54

I have two gorgeous daughters who are 10 and 12 and they really need their dad, so I have to stay married for them.

No you don't.
Your H won't disappear just because you separate and girls are extremely resilient.
I'd worry more if you had two boys, actually.

If this marriage is essentially abusive and it's making you unhappy, it is also damaging your girls.

I have one boy, and he has only had skype and phone contact with his dad for over a year and TBH, I think he's better off than when ex was at home.
He has a happier mum, lots more socialising, and better male role models.

DeafLeopard Mon 03-Dec-12 10:50:21

<<applauds pictish>>

OP you deserve better and you have several people here telling you that.

Your DDs do not need you to live this miserable existence

quietlysuggests Mon 03-Dec-12 11:26:40

Oh my heart broke for you when you said he aways refused to aknowledge your wedding anniversary.
So it really is not a recent onset of abuse, he has been a wanker since you married him.
I am so sorry.

bluetufty Mon 03-Dec-12 11:41:08

Just had another blazing row with him when he came to pick up his lunch. I never usually shout but I really do feel pushed to the edge this morning.
I feel so confused but I hear what you are all saying so I've made an appointment to talk to someone at Women's Aid because I've a horrible feeling this could turn even nastier.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 03-Dec-12 11:52:01

Women's Aid is an excellent idea. This man is nasty, and likely to turn nastier if he realises you will not stand for his shit.

Xenia2012 Mon 03-Dec-12 12:23:03

Good plan. My divorce was one of the best things I did and was of benefit to the children.

As well as sorting out your feelings think about money and where you will live and jobs and things ilke that.

pictish Mon 03-Dec-12 13:19:22

Excellent plan OP. Women's Aid will definitely help you.

CailinDana Mon 03-Dec-12 13:29:01

Think about it OP, if in 10 years time your daughters say the knew how unhappy you were (and believe me, they do) and ask you why you stayed, are you going to tell them it was because of them? Do you think they'll be grateful?

Mu1berries Mon 03-Dec-12 13:36:50

By agitating to have a big day you're sending the message that you will put up with anything. it sounds like he wants out too tbh. Don't settle for one day. Split up and have your LIFE. I did and I have NO regrets. My x was verbally abusive to me as well. I was called a cunt and a hairy midget and too fucking stupid to cook a ready meal (because I'd put broccoli in it to make it healthier). Honestly, the freedom is great. I accept now I'll never have the big day, blah blah blah!!! and even if I did have it now i'd have to wear a suit like penny from 'just good friends' when vince finally married her! but one day is nothing! don't waste your life for the sake of one day of putting on a nice show.

Mu1berries Mon 03-Dec-12 13:41:05

ps, you can be a good mother and it is up to him to be a good father. splitting up won't prevent him from being a good father IF he is one. But a lot of men, 90% of abusive fathers who have partners who are reluctant to leave them because they are such great fathers, well, really, what are they afraid of then? do they think that these great fathers will cease to be great fathers when it's not convenient any more. I had these thoughts too, although I wouldn't ever have labelled him 'great'. But it turns out that he can only be a mediocre father if it's convenient!!! well how about that. Not so great afterall, and to think I stayed about 3 years longer than I should have because he was a mediocre father. hmmm. Leave. If he's going to be a good father he will be. A separation won't stop a genuinely good father from being a good father.

tribpot Mon 03-Dec-12 13:49:22

What on earth would you want to celebrate on a 'wedding day' with this person?

MrsFlibble Mon 03-Dec-12 13:55:14

OP, Sounds like you signed up for servitude than a marriage, do you think your daughters will be grateful to you, for staying with a man who is a abusive?, what book did you read that says that for the DD's to have a dad, there has to be a marriage?,

Leave the man and be happy, your girls will benefit from it.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Mon 03-Dec-12 13:59:20

Oh you sound so unhappy. You have been holding out for 10 years for this one day where you thought he would step up to the mark and make you feel loved.

10 years of waiting for one good day. No wonder you are upset. But I think you are focusing too much on the event and the day itself, while really your focus should be on the state of your marriage. Keep that ring off, and speak to womans aid.

OP I hope you get good advice from Women's Aid and it helps you leave this horrible man.

Reading what you have written is so so sad and heartbreaking.

You do not have to live your life like this. Your DDs will thank you if you leave him. They won't thank you if you stay.

JuliaScurr Mon 03-Dec-12 14:18:47

does what it says on the tin

he turned out to be a git. sadly, many do. you'll find a better one smile

bluetufty Mon 03-Dec-12 14:27:52

I can't tell you how much you are all helping. Thank you Mulberries for sharing what you went through because that is exactly what I am going through and thinking.

ratbagcatbag Mon 03-Dec-12 14:39:22

With regards to you needing to be with him so he can be a dad, let me offer a different view. My DH was with his ex for a few years and the had a DS. Both my DH and his ex could really wind each other up, provoking each other for the argument. (I'm good friends with DH ex so she agrees she was as bad) it was never physical but lots of sniping nasty sarcasm, as a result they very rarely did stuff as a family anyway. They split ten years ago. My DH is an amazing dad, sees ds for 50% of week and now has a fab relationship with his ex. Both agree they didn't work but separately they both parent really well. I have a 14 yo DSS who's well balanced and happy which both parents agree wouldn't have happened if they'd stayed together as the relationship problems would have had a negative impact. It can work. oh and no nasty sniping either as both know the other will absolutely not tolerate it.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 03-Dec-12 15:53:27

OP, it looks like you are very receptive to looking at your relationship without rose-tinted specs. Could you call a friend or two and get some great support in RL ?

pictish Mon 03-Dec-12 16:56:53

I agree that to continue to push for The Big Day after all he has done to you, pretty much tells your dh that you will swallow whatever shit he flings at you and beg for more.

Don't be that woman.

bluetufty Mon 03-Dec-12 18:04:41

It's great to be getting such helpful advice here especially regarding the children. That has been my greatest fear that they will be damaged by a split and it will be my fault. But from what you are all saying it can also be a good thing to separate.

I know deep down he's not going to change and he's not going to take separating easily, which is why I'm going to keep my appointment with Women's Aid on Thursday and get some support.
I'm pretty isolated where I am and something tells me I'm going to need as much help as I can get.
Thanks everyone.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Mon 03-Dec-12 18:24:45

I hope they can help you. I'm glad you are looking into how to get help and have taken on board how damaging this current situation is, to you and your girls.

JuliaScurr Tue 04-Dec-12 12:52:36

blutufty come back and tell us how you get on smile

Mu1berries Tue 04-Dec-12 12:56:36

good for you. I found it so hard to break up. it was like a court case. He just wouldn't accept it. It was like i had no right to be the one to make that decision. in his head, he could have made it for both of us, but me make a decision taht affected him!?! no way. so he tried to bully me back. and then he send a puny box of chocolates and tried to be nice for a while, and then he couldn't keep that up for long so then he got angry with me that i wouldn't just forget about it all and give him anothr chance. how dare I ?

So make sure you are flanked by WA

Mu1berries Tue 04-Dec-12 13:02:46

ps i advise that when you tell him it's over, don't say (for example) "it's because of the time you called me a cunt" because what happens then is,,, he will respond 'but you deserved it because....

Stick, as much as is possible to what can't be argued with.

I don't want this relationship any more. I don't want to share my future with you. The atmosphere is dreadful. I am miserable. I can't live with you any more.

Make it about YOU, but things that can't be argued with. If he says "what the fuck do you mean you don't want this relationship, you're the one who wanted to get married you're the one who blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. ' RESIST the temptation to get caught up in too much explanation.

If he believes that you still feel you need his 'approval' to end the relationship you will be going round in circles for hours. That's how it was for me. I spent months asking for his permission to end things. then finally left with two kids and a rucksack and he forgets what went before it!! he only remembers me abducting the children (his language).

So, keep it simple. I want out. This is over. The TOTAL opposite of what you might be dying to try and make him understand. I think as women we want people/men (x partners) to understand that we didn't end something on a whim. But I think you'd be wasting your breath looking for his understanding or approval. You don't need it and that is the whole point!

cynnerthenaughtyreindeer Tue 04-Dec-12 13:15:50

I am so sorry you are going through this OP. I just wanted to tell you that I left my first husband after our marriage became untenable. My two children were 9 and 7 when we split. It was difficult emotionally for them in the beginning, but they came through with professional assistance and tonnes of support through family and friends. Now, in their teens both of them continue to have a relationship with their father. Divorce is painful but staying together with my first husband would have been a disaster for all involved.
I am thinking about you..good luck in whatever decision you make..

Lueji Tue 04-Dec-12 13:30:17

Fully agree with Mu1berries.

Do not discuss separating. Or the specific reasons.
Tell him it's going to happen.

Mu1berries Tue 04-Dec-12 13:40:55

Just adding, instead of "the atmosphere is dreadful" say "I find the atmosphere dreadful".

Think about the few phrases you are going to use that spell it out loud and loud and yet can't be argued with.

I feel the atmosphere is terrible
I dont want this anymore
I don't love you
I want to end this.

All about you. NO criticism of him to make him even MORE defensive.

AgathaF Tue 04-Dec-12 14:50:05

Please don't stay with this abusive excuse for a man, and especially don't stay for your daughters' sake. They are learning that adult relationships are abusive and unequal.

If this was one of your daughters, experiencing an unhappy life with a man who was verbally abusive, who refused to celebrate their life together etc, what would you say to her? Would you say "stay and put up with it" or would you say "leave and be happy"? It's an easy one to answer, I think.

Well done for being proactive and contacting WA. I really hope they offer you support and help. Might be a good idea to book a free half hour with a solicitor or two also.

Mu1berries Wed 05-Dec-12 07:39:05

when's the apt with WA? is it today? I hope you feel better after bluetufty. You are probably in the habit of minimising his hbehaviour, but be really honest and break the habit of a decade when you tell them what it's REALLY like.

bluetufty Wed 05-Dec-12 12:04:13

Thank you again everyone for being there for me. The past couple of days have been dreadful. I tried to discuss things with him, but he wouldn't listen and got annoyed because I was dragging things up. Then yesterday he pretended that everything was fine again and was being nice.
That always happens. And I keep quiet because I just want some peace.
But then today it all set off again, because I stood up for myself.
I know I minimise his behaviour and I really appreciate the suggestions from you on how to talk with him (Mulberries you are spot on!)
My appointment with WA is tomorrow morning.
I know that I can't possibly carry on feeling this horrid.

Walkacrossthesand Wed 05-Dec-12 12:31:31

Well done tufty for recognising what needs to be done and squaring up to do it. He has clearly told you that he regrets getting married in the first place, so what you are doing is being the one strong and brave enough to do something about it at last. Time to see a solicitor to talk through practical stuff too, as Agatha suggests. You've been hoping for more from the marriage for so long, be prepared for feeling regret for 'what might have been' - but as you say, you don't have that, and you can't carry on as you are. Keep posting! X

Mu1berries Wed 05-Dec-12 12:32:21

yes, go along with that. Just keep your own thoughts private and go into 'put up and shut up' mode'.

There's nothing to 'discuss' as in a discussion that wiill lead to an issue being resolved. I think you know now that things can't be resolved. You have spent ten years trying to resolve things and it hasn't worked up 'til now.

The decision to end things is yours, you have the power to make that decision. Whether he listens or not is out of your hands, whether he believes you mean it or not is out of your hands. But your decision to call time on the relationship is not something he can 'discuss' you out of.

After you've talked to WA and they've advised you a bit more I hope you will feel better. They have exit plans and exit strategies...

I'll be checking in tomorrow afternoon to see how your appointment with WA goes. I hpe they make you feel better. I know that sick feeling. I remember it well. Adrenaline, fight before the flight! Channel it! That energy is yours. YOu've wasted so much energy for a decade trying to 'manage' him, his moods, trying to look on the bright side........... Once you get past the agro and the adjustment and the bullshit life is going to be so much easier. x

mercibucket Wed 05-Dec-12 12:41:16

Good luck, op. I'm really proud of you for seeing this through (sorry, I know that's daft cos we've never met, but you sound v brave and your daughters will be proud of you)

Mu1berries Wed 05-Dec-12 12:43:24

ps read this so that you believe it grin

"I bluetufty (say your real name!) do not need MrBluetufty's approval to end this relationship. I don't need his permission to end this relationship. I don't need his understanding to end this relationship' I don't need his blessing to end this relationship'. It is my absolute right to end a relationship that makes me unhappy."

Please humour me here and read that out loud to yourself (saying your own name!). Read and do it FIVE TIMES! HUMOUR ME HERE PLEASE.

Then, when you've done that, practise saying out loud in your head what you will say to him when you tell him it's over. Imagine him responding and imagine yourself NOT justifying, explaining, defending your decision.

Get your own stock phrases that can't be argued with.

Read these out.

I do not want this marriage anymore.
I want this relationship to end.
I want to live apart.

Pick your own (things that can't be argued with, no criticism of him, make it all about you). And repeat them in your head.

Visualise yourself resisting that habit of defending your decision. He is not your boss. He can't tear up your resignation!!! This is a decision that you can make on your own.

What he thinks of you is none of your business from now on. You don't need to waste your energy trying to make him understand.

brew + biscuit apologies if I've gone overboard here, but this is the way I wish I'd handled it. I only learnt how to deal with my x after I left him. I know now though! and luckily I don't give a fuck what he thinks of me. He can think I am Satan Katona if he likes.

Now read it again, rinse and repeat!

Lueji Wed 05-Dec-12 14:44:04

I'd also say that once you decide and tell him you want to separate, don't just leave it like that.
Start discussing arrangements, give him your solicitor contact (or mediator), and start the ball rolling.
Otherwise you'll be waiting for him to agree to a separation and I bet he simply won't.

Mu1berries Wed 05-Dec-12 19:32:48

yeah, get the ball rolling. the first time i left my x (and went back :-[ blush fool fool fool ) he then used to refer to my "tinpot parade". He'd promised all sorts to 'win' me back, and then later refered to that as my tinpot parade. grrr.

so yeah, lawyer up. wine

greenrabbits Thu 06-Dec-12 12:58:35

You do NOT have to stay married! Just wanted to add my voice.

Mu1berries Thu 06-Dec-12 16:40:53

How did you get on this morning bluetufty?

BerylStreep Thu 06-Dec-12 17:42:30

Hey Bluetufty, I just want to say how horrid your DH sounds. I'm so glad you are thinking about taking control of your life.

I would just add one thing, make sure you have your ducks in a row before you tell him the marriage is over. This means seeing solicitor and WA beforehand, and formulating a plan. The temptation is that when you make the decision for yourself, you may want to tell him straight away, before you have plans in place.

stuffitunderthebed Thu 06-Dec-12 17:52:03

Hope appointment went well. Get out whilst you and your DDs are still young enough to forge a new and happy future without a man who just doesn't care enough. Good luck OP.

GinSoakedMu1berryLush Fri 07-Dec-12 07:31:48

hope you're ok bluetufty, if for some reason you didn't get to the apt, don't worry! don't feel you can't come back and update us!

bluetufty Sat 08-Dec-12 16:29:45

Well thank you everyone for being there for me and my DD's. I did go to WA and they gave me such good advice and support. I have spent the last couple of days doing sorting out a plan of action and getting financial advice / solicitor etc.
It's made me feel a lot stronger.
I think you are all right in having that plan in place before I tell him, because I know that when I do, I will mean it. And he won't accept it. So I also have a 'going to a refuge' plan too.

As always when things get nasty they then go around in a circle because pretends that nothing has happened and denies ever saying anything.

It feels very different this time, because I feel that I have got to the stage that I don't want to stay on this roundabout any longer.
I'm still terrified about going through it all, but I know that slowly but surely will see both me and my girls out of this.

I really do appreciate all the comments. I'm going to keep coming back to the post to remind myself that I can do this smile

GinSoakedMu1berryLush Sat 08-Dec-12 18:06:29

Good for you. Believe in your own right to call time. Do not be bullied into doing what suits him. March to the beat of your own drum. You tried (and you tried and you tried and you tried).

The pretending nothing happened is amazing. My x would kick down doors to get at me, and he even put his hands around my neck once and squeezed.... I was scared for a few seconds that he was going to lose control. But then, five minutes after the 'hands around my throat' incident, he made me a cup of tea and acted injured and aggrieved when I took it and poured it down the sink. He was cross with me because I rejected his cup of tea!!!!! You couldn't make it up.

I know you haven't mentioned physical aggression but the cycle of tension, explosion, 'conciliation', calmness is the same.

bluetufty Sat 08-Dec-12 20:19:21

Oh my gosh, no I haven't had the physical aggression, but I have had that cup of tea thing too!!!

Floggingmolly Sat 08-Dec-12 20:36:37

Get a little perspective, fgs. Your marriage sounds like a crock of shit, and you're upset about your "Wedding Day"? hmm

anonacfr Sun 09-Dec-12 07:24:55

Erm, have you actually read the whole thread? hmm

GinSoakedMu1berryLush Sun 09-Dec-12 09:55:24

Flogging, yeah, we've moved on from that...................

GinSoakedMu1berryLush Sun 09-Dec-12 09:57:11

@ bluetufty, what did WA tell you to do then? curious because I never had the courage to ask for their help, or identify myself as being somebody they would /could help and I regretthat now. So what did they say? practical / emotional?

stuffitunderthebed Fri 14-Dec-12 06:38:31

How are you getting on OP? Still staying strong I hope?

bluetufty Fri 14-Dec-12 22:32:58

I wish you had asked for help GinSoakedMulberryLush because they were so helpful in both the practical terms e.g. These are your options and how they could support me through it all - going through solicitors etc., what the refuge would be like,making an emergency plan. They can't tell you what you should do, as in, 'you should get divorced', but they can help you think it through.

And then they were really understanding of what I was going through. The message I heard loud and clear was to take care of myself. And to recognise that even though I am being strong now, it wouldn't take much for me to crumble. I know that.

I have the 24 hour number and also the woman I spoke to gave me her mobile. They really were wonderful and I have rung them a couple of times since just to chat things through.
It is such a relief.

As for my husband, he is on a 'I'm being nice to you now' phase. But I am not going around that merry go round again! We have agreed to have a serious discussion in the new year, but I have been able to stand up to him since and he knows that I am not going to put up with any more rubbish from him.

And by the way, the wedding is the last thing on my mind now! I've seen the light smile

izzyizin Fri 14-Dec-12 22:39:42

Praise be and sing hallelujah! Long may the light burn bright for you.

bluetufty Fri 21-Dec-12 22:13:43

Thank you izzyizin smile

badguider Fri 21-Dec-12 22:52:28

Well done! Your example is so important for your DDs now - they need to learn that a woman should not tolerate being treated badly by a man. And if you do this then you will show them that.

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