Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

OK. LETS GET THIS OFF OUR CHESTS .... if you COULD write a letter to the OW .....

(130 Posts)
stoopidCUPID Fri 30-Nov-12 23:19:09

.... what would you say?

OK - I SHOULD STATE HERE THAT I HAVE NAME CHANGED FOR THIS ONE.

Now, yes, I know in RL this is a real NO NO - but my thinking is, hey, why dont we all offload on MN and get this out of our systems?

Personally, I just wouldnt go there, in real terms, if you see what I mean - I just wouldnt post that letter/send that email.

But boy oh boy it would be nice to just vent my feelings and basically just say piss off - but without the explitives! lol

(Im actually off to bed right now but I promise to add mine later this weekend)

So, come on everyone - VENT VENT VENT VENT

alisarah Fri 30-Nov-12 23:22:28

have him --- your loss my gain!

Oldladypillow Fri 30-Nov-12 23:24:47

Ok....

Dear ow, (or future gf or whatever)
Looks good on paper doesn't he......just you wait. There's a reason he has x number of failed marriages and it wasn't just bad luck with women!

stoopidCUPID Fri 30-Nov-12 23:26:05

really wishing we had a 'like' button on MN

iwantanafternoonnap Fri 30-Nov-12 23:30:18

I don't know but I recently sent this to my ex rather than OW when he decided yet again to not have contact with DS

s from today my phone number has been changed as my utter utter disgust at you and your inability to put Jake first, provide for him and now refuse to see him is too much for me.

You will also be blocked from this email once it has been sent.

You live your life, drinking and holidaying because one day you will regret it and don't think for one minute our son will want to know someone as selfish and disgusting as you.

I will give my solicitor your work address when the time comes for you to be removed from the mortgage of which you will have to pay costs.

Enjoy your christmas on your own with neither of your children. Don't think for one minute that living your life with your whore makes up for time with your children. Your life will be shallow and incomplete and at some point karma will get you.

Sleep well knowing what an utter failure not only as a father but as a person you are. Your lies will catch up with you.

OW will read it though as there is nothing like being the OW to make you insecure now is there LOL

stoopidCUPID Fri 30-Nov-12 23:44:37

ok so seriously I cannot post this and then send myself off to bed - grossly unfair of me - soz

unedited and off the cuff mine would be something like:

Dear OW

So, yes, i have discovered your 3 month emotional affair with my husband where I believe from bitchbook messages between you both that you met only twice in that time and shagged just the once. nice.

I also believe from what I have read (not what I have been told) that you were the main instigator in this affair. YOU contacted him, via bitchbook, you were old schoolfriends - you were widowed and looking for adventure, you happened upon my DH at a time of weakness in our marriage and you hounded him. yes, you actually did. you were the instigator in this. you even asked him for £250,000 because of something to do with your Dad and his health and a property dilemma.

Good job I found out about you at this point.

Fastforward to today - I confronted him - he denied it until I quoted verbatim (big word, dont think youd understand that one).

I gave him an option - he stay or go, BUT he stay for ME not our DS.

Amazing, he stayed with me - cut communications with you immediately as if you were a virus.

And yet you still hounded him with emails - your dog died (no he didnt, you were attention seeking). You contacted via bitchbook several times asking me to give him up - my partner of 18 years where I had been his backbone during three years of family problems.

You never really wanted him, did you - in reality you were a lonely window - childless ...... you could never really understand the impact of your infactuation on our DS - you were merely thinking only of your own loneliness.

You are a pirah.

You have opened my eyes regarding my husband and the level of deciet and bare faced lies he is capable of. Hold on to that thought - you were a party to that.

So be happy with your new puppy - yes your dog did die but several weeks after your awful emotional attention seeking to my husband who dropped you like hot coals. And by the way, your puppy IS NOT YOUR CHILD, nor is anyone you know its GODPARENT !!!! (speechless about that one - yes I can access your bitchbook ......... via a friend ....... 6 degrees of separation)

..... end

oh I could go on and yes I know that the above is a bitter and twisted missive but OH MY GOD IT FEELS GOOD TO GET SOME OF IT OFF MY CHEST.

ErikNorseman Sat 01-Dec-12 06:23:44

I wrote on an posted it here back when I found out - it helped massively. I still hate the bitch, so I'll join in (shorter than the original!)

Dear moustache face
You are an idiot. You behaved like an infatuated teenager although you are a grown woman of 41 years. I understand that people can get carried away by their genitals and that when you have been lonely for a long time you are susceptible to flattery. I know my (stbx)H is very charming and can sweep a girl off her feet. But where was your common sense, your compassion? Did he feed you some bullshit about us being 'technically separated'? Did you not think to question that, considering we lived in the same house, and you had to be kept secret?
How on earth could you be so callous towards me? When I found out it was 4 days before Christmas. He turned his phone off for most of the time but each time it went on I heard 'beep beep' as you tried to get a response. How do you think I coped with trying to appear normal around my family and my son with you still looking for attention?
When I text you, politely, respectfully, to let you know that I was very much still in the picture, how could you tell me it was 'not your problem or concern' and you didn't understand why I was upset? Are you an actual idiot, or just a bitch?
And the way you tried to continue contact after he ended it made you look ridiculous. A bit of advice for the future - when a man blocks your phone number, email and Facebook that might be a sign that you should back off?
I am single now - you are welcome to him. I will always have my lovely son and you never will. Good, you don't deserve children.
And my final bit of advice - men lie. They bullshit and paint themselves in a good light and flatter and lie. If you are naive enough to fall for it at your age then I pity you.

smile

SnowWhiterThenWhite Sat 01-Dec-12 07:07:38

I love this thread! Mines slightly different as it wasn't an OW but an OM.

There are just a few things I thought you should know xxxx, firstly I do NOT and WILL NOT ever want that lying, cheating, selfish man back again. You are welcome to him. I'm now with someone amazing, someone that I deserve and we are building a beautiful future together with my Ds. I know you must have been told a whole host of awful things about me and I would like to set the record straight. Yes we were together when he met you and we're together for quite some time after that. He abused me physically, mentally and sexually and I'd actually like to thank you for taking him off my hands. And no I do not feel sorry for a man who made me think he wanted to spend his life with me for 6 years, had a child with me and then left me for a man. I suppose on a regular situation yes I would feel sorry for someone who was afraid to be honest about there sexuality but in this case I think he is a disgusting piece of s**t. I don't care that he is gay, I care that he lied to me and my little boy for so long. People make mistakes but surely he could have ended our relationship earlier then 6 years? I could have moved on and been happier much earlier. None the less it's over now and I promise you that you will see the real him one day when you least expect it. He is a manipulative liar and I assure you I am none of the things he has said. But I don't need to prove myself to you.

Good luck, because believe me you'll need it!

doinmybest Sat 01-Dec-12 16:13:06

dear OW
You are about to set up home with a man you know has lied and cheated on his wife and DC's for a LONG time. You know he was good at it. I'd be worried about how good he was. Do you know hes told me he doesnt want to live with you but has nowhere else to go? Bet it was fun having a quickie with the boss behind the filing cabinets but how do you feel now you're making his tea and washing his socks, putting up with his phone going at 2am with some emergency? He has terrible mood swings, he sulks and has a verbal temper. Enjoy finding all this out. O and by the way, I know you are a single mum and think you've struck it rich catching the boss, but we are broke. Up to our eyes in debt and he will be even more so when me and my DC's get what we are entitled to. Whos having the last laugh now ?

O that feels good smile

nkf Sat 01-Dec-12 16:17:11

You poor thing. You know when he opens his mouth, he's usually lying. And you have to believe him. After a while, it gets to be a strain. I don't have to believe him any more. What a relief.

The whores? Did he tell you that was a one off or just because I was such a cold bitch. Ha! Ha! Nice one.

Leverette Sat 01-Dec-12 16:44:38

Dear OW

I knew you were a bitch when I started at our workplace and you refused to smile, say hello, anything, just blanked me with a cats bum mouth.

I knew you were a bitch when I saw you flirting shamelessly with exDP and you ran off up the corridor when you realised I was approaching.

Even though I knew you were a bitch, I intervened and stopped a whole load of nasty gossip that was going on in the department about the fact you as a 43 yo grandmother were going out with a 25 yo lad who also worked with us.

You gave the game away when you began to meet my eye in an antagonistic, aggressive, triumphant manner, which coincided with exDP picking fights and relentlessly criticising me at home. You saw my stress-induced major weight loss and watched me become a shell of myself as I crumpled under the emotional abuse I was getting and I swear you gloated.

I did laugh when I ended things with exDP and he could have had you, but instead pursued two gorgeous professional women via the dating profile I'd found was active during our three years together. He also came a hair's breadth to being reported for sexual harrassment by a lovely female colleague of ours.

He only fell into your arms officially 8 months later when it became apparent his back was fucked and needed surgery. Why else would he have got together with a skanky chav with green hair...slight improvement on the peroxide though I'll admit. We live in a small town and I know about you working cash in hand in your previous job in exchange for sexual favours from the married boss. I also know that you are a woman-hater; that you once claimed to be having an affair with man just to hurt his wife because you didn't like her.

Anyway. I hope you're enjoying the country cottage we renovated. You probably still think its a romantic weekend retreat with log fire - you'll realise when he slips up that it's where he shags women he's met on match.com

You'll realise when you get home from work and nothing is done that he's been looking at online porn ALL DAY.

You'll realise how embarrassing it is when he gets bollocked at work YET AGAIN for bullying and intimidating young female staff.

You'll realise how painful and humiliating it is when he gets going with his next prey - he's already grooming her blatantly at work..."Call me Papa and I'll give you anything you want"<boak>

Leverette Sat 01-Dec-12 19:23:29

Perhaps we should have a bitter emoticon grin

issey6cats Sat 01-Dec-12 19:37:49

dear OW my exDH probably told you he was seperated on match.com, probably told you he was working as a security guard , probably told you he caught me in bed with another man, probably told you i had let myself go, probably told you he did all the housework, probably charmed the socks off you, how do i know this because when i met him this was the tales i got, all lies right from the begining , what you will find out in time is he is a serial cheater and when he gets fed up with you and your ready made family he will go searching for another woman, hes sneaky, lies continually, is mean with money and hides staches, wants everything done his way, he sulks, and sometime in the future he will be carrying on with his ready made script with another gullible female, you are welcome to him

potatocakes Sat 01-Dec-12 19:38:58

Ooh i wish i could talk to the OW, but my husband has told me off for even looking at her before... Apparently he will skin my parents if i try to speak to her.

Congratulations on picking the worst human being who has ever lived. I hope you are looking forward to conforming with the way you dress, look, speak, the way you are with your children. Every little thing you do will be closely monitored and commented on, until your confidence is such that you think that this is the way you deserve to be treated. I hope you realise that he'll see someone else at work at some point that he can 'fix' and drop you after just a few weeks with her. All i have to say is thank you for ridding me of the scum, and i hope you will truly both get what you deserve.

MrsFlibble Sat 01-Dec-12 20:52:35

3 years and i can finally offload

Dear OW aka The skank from the south,
Despite being a married, 40 yr old, mother of 4, you still couldnt resist on latching your claw into my partner, and making my life hell, breaking up my daughters home,

Well, thank you for taking away that selfish, idiotic 40 yr old man child, for he is an arsehole and thinks of only himself, glad to be rid, well done.

redtulip68 Sun 02-Dec-12 11:05:45

Well here goes......

Dear OW - there are so many other names I could use but I was bought up correctly unlike you obviously!

You are more than welcome to him after all who wants a coward as a partner - remember he sneaked off to run away with you during the night when my children and I were asleep. Yes he left us in chaos, no water, no heating , no kitchen - he will do the same to you if you dont do it first that is. I mean with your history of four previous affairs your track record isnt great is it?

Yes he can now give you all the things he promised our children - a dog holidays, time, attention etc but never got around to doing. As a grandmother of seven and mother of four it must be fun taking away the Father of two young children, one of whom is disabled.

The one question I would ask is whether this has all been worth it? The lies, the distruction, the hurt you have caused my entire family and being described by your darling new partner as a 'friend he is sharing resources with.'

Enjoy!

RSVP Sun 02-Dec-12 11:55:19

OW
You think you know what shit looks like, but take a better look at the mirror

(I actually DREAMED I was saying that the other day....)

AmberLeaf Sun 02-Dec-12 12:07:49

several years on, all Id have to say is this;

Now you know, Ha! be careful what you wish for, you might just get it!

I'd be tempted to tell her that it was in fact me that ended it not him and that no he didn't 'choose' her, he just didn't have a choice because I told him I wouldn't want him if he was the last man on earth.

Fuckitthatlldo Sun 02-Dec-12 14:51:34

Christ, listen to yourselves. A whole page of bitter bile and rank misogyny. It makes for really uncomfortable reading to be honest.

I am sorry for all your pain and loss, but for goodness sake, these "other women" are not responsible for the behaviour of your husbands and partners. It was your men who chose to break up your families.

Relationships break down. Sometimes people turn out not to be who you thought they were. It really hurts. But do you think you all would have lived happily ever after had it not been for the actions of this one random woman?

Just look at the language you're using: Whore, The skank from the south, Bitch... it's awful! She's probably just an ordinary woman like you, and a victim of the same lies and deceit as you no doubt.

And no, I have never had an affair with a married man, so I don't post this with an agenda. I just find it disturbing that women can turn so hatefully on each other rather than directing their anger where it really belongs. But that's what you get in a woman hating society I suppose.

AmberLeaf Sun 02-Dec-12 15:08:56

Fuckitthatlldo

You weren't speaking to me as my post was nothing like that, but I'll say anyway...

I think you have missed the point of the thread.

nkf Sun 02-Dec-12 15:31:29

Yeah, you have missed the point. Never mind.

ErikNorseman Sun 02-Dec-12 15:37:17

Yeah, whatever

EdithWeston Sun 02-Dec-12 15:41:28

I think it's perfectly possible to feel ire towards the OW whilst simultaneously placing the majority ofthe blame of the cheating partner.

If the OW knew or discovered that the person was married/attached, then of course her position is despicable.

Euphemia Sun 02-Dec-12 15:43:10

Dear OW
We had just got married, you bitch. Literally weeks before you started cheating on your nice boyfriend with my new DH. He was an insecure guy, going through a little post-wedding wobble. He was flattered by your attention, and you led him right down the garden path and out through the gate.
Then as soon as he had left me, you chucked him and never told your boyfriend about any of it.
I hope you're sad and lonely now, you cow.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 02-Dec-12 15:43:24

Fuckitthat'lldo- take it you are/ have been an ow??? Either that or your mother teresa??

LineRunner Sun 02-Dec-12 15:45:56

Fuckit wrote, She's probably just an ordinary woman like you

Nope.

SoupDragon Sun 02-Dec-12 15:47:05

Fuckitthatlldo Where, exactly, is the misogymy? This thread is not about hating women it is about hating people who think it OK to start a relationship with someone they know has a family at home.

I find all this "it's not the OW's fault" stuff tiresome bollocks. She is equally to blame, as is an Other Man.

SoupDragon Sun 02-Dec-12 15:48:08

She's probably just an ordinary woman like you

No fucking way. I know that I am a far better person than she is because I would never knowingly start a relationship with a man who has a pregnant wife and two small children.

BornToFolk Sun 02-Dec-12 16:10:01

I find all this "it's not the OW's fault" stuff tiresome bollocks. She is equally to blame, as is an Other Man.

Quite. "My" OW was someone I considered a friend. She fucked my partner in my bed when I was at work.
I'm not supposed to be angry with her about that.

She's moved her husband out of her house and my exP in, with her two small children, in the space of 4 months. Ordinary woman? I really hope not.

BornToFolk Sun 02-Dec-12 16:10:48

Sorry, that should have been "I'm not supposed to be angry with her about that*?*"

Hmm slightly different vain from me...

OW - watch your back. You are not discreet. Loverboy is not discreet. Half the village know that you are having an affair with 'the mouse'. The other half think you are married to the mouse and are having an affair with 'the one that looks like a bouncer'...just in case you have worked it out that is your husband. Folks can't work out who is the father of your children. The kids in the playground know. The parents in the playground know. Your neighbours all know. Your husband's mates all know. It is only a matter of time before your husband - or worse still - your kids find out. Then you will find out what it is really like to have your world ripped apart.

Fuckitthatlldo Sun 02-Dec-12 16:46:42

No I have never been an OW. And I'm certainly no saint either! But still, I am uncomfortable with some of the stuff I am reading.

The misogyny I was referring to is in some of the language used - the sort of degrading, sexually shaming language that is usually the preserve of male misogynists.

Soupdragon I wasn't suggesting you had no right to be angry at all. It is just the strength of the bitterness in some of the posts that shocks me. I don't agree that the other woman (particularly if she is a stranger) is equally to blame. She didn't make any commitment or promises to any of you. She hasn't been the one lying to your face and making you feel as though you are going mad. Who knows what sort of lies your husbands and partners may have been spinning? She may have genuinely believed that your marriage was over.

Statistics show the vast majority of people have been involved in some degree of infidelity at some point in their lives. It's unpleasant but it is not a crime.

The OW with my ex sent me a message on facebook saying he had problems and she couldnt deal with them and she didnt understand before but she does now and she is sorry.

[smug]

[just deserts]

tadpoles Sun 02-Dec-12 17:04:45

"people who think it OK to start a relationship with someone they know has a family at home."

Yes - but those people also include the husbands who decided it was okay. And you cannot argue against the fact that the husband has a greater responsibility towards the marriage than the other woman.

Also, I believe what happens quite often is that the married man identifies a 'soft target' - a woman whose self-esteem is low or who is particularly susceptible to flattery. Sometimes I think what happens is that another woman falls for a married man (maybe after some flattering attention/flirting etc). The married man recognises that a woman who is in love is much more likely to want to have sex with him - and hey presto - he has two women fighting over him.

Best course of action is to dump him or at least withdraw all affection and physical attention. Or take up your own lover perhaps - nothing like a bit of competition to spur someone into action.

But the spite and anger that is directed at the other woman should probably be more directed at the errant husband who thought too little and too late about his family when he had the tantalising opportunity to have sex with another woman.

(And, no, she didn't pin him down and pull his trousers off! I've been on the receiving end of a married man trying to seduced me and believe me, they pull all the stops out, much more than a single man would, as they know they have the disadvantage of wife at home.)

ErikNorseman Sun 02-Dec-12 17:14:36

Hey. We are allowed to direct our 'spite' wherever we please.

mumof4sons Sun 02-Dec-12 17:57:35

Dear OW

Firstly I'd like to thank you for the dramatic weight loss plan. I needed to lose 2 stone and you really helped with that. I've never looked better.

Secondly, thank you for taking the selfish bastard off my hands. You two deserve each other. I wish you every success in a relationship based on lying and cheating to your previous partners.

Thirdly, I'd like to thank you for destroying a family. Whilst I know you didn't do it all yourself and you had the help from a bastard, you encouraged it. You must be so proud of yourself.

I wish you both well in that lovely 5 bedroomed Suffolk farmhouse, while his children and I struggle with the expense of day to day living. I'm so glad that my son's school fees paid for your fancy holiday to Egypt. By the way he is loving the local comprhensive school.

And thank you for being so supportive of my eldsest DS mental state. The OCD has really come on leaps and bounds and the depression gotten worse since you came into his life. I know that slap around his face really did him the world of good.

All the best - you've done womanhood proud.

SoupDragon Sun 02-Dec-12 18:29:20

And you cannot argue against the fact that the husband has a greater responsibility towards the marriage than the other woman.

I can argue the fact that shagging someone you know has a wife and family at home makes you just as morally corrupt. Clearly you and I are very different people.

MrsFlibble Sun 02-Dec-12 18:34:57

I can argue the fact that shagging someone you know has a wife and family at home makes you just as morally corrupt. Clearly you and I are very different people.

Agreed, shagging someone who has a family at home waiting, mostly suggest they have confidence issue, and luring the man away is a goal for some people, some people are used and caught in a trap, but knowledge makes you powerful, if people choose to ignore that knowledge, then they are no better.

SoupDragon Sun 02-Dec-12 18:35:16

She may have genuinely believed that your marriage was over.

You need to learn to read. I said I would never knowingly start a relationship with a man who has a pregnant wife and two small children. Key words being knowingly and pregnant wife.

Yes, an OW or OM who knows there is a partner and children at home is equally to blame. I couldn't give a stuff whether you agree with this or not. However, I do feel that it says a lot about someone if they think there is no blame to be answered when someone shagging a married person. I would never do it so I judge others by my personal moral code.

ickywickyyicky Sun 02-Dec-12 19:12:57

Mine would be:

Why did you say over 3 pages of blather you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him and give it to him in a bright yellow envelope, rather than being discreet. And why did you think he wanted you after you forcibly stripped him and he couldn't get it up and then said nothing until you left. How can that be a successful 'reunion'?!? And why did you tell him to hug my daughter for you. And then why, only two days later, when I told you you could have him, did you suddenly not want him.

Why should I care whether your family finds out and you lose your kids, or your husband gets angry - why shouldn't he get angry. My DD has suffered because of you - why should I care about you - you are so not my problem!

And on the subject of OW - yes some of them know exactly what they are doing - and if you don't believe that, go and read a psychology book. Apparently trashing marriages is a way of exacting revenge on the male species when they have had an inadequate / unreliable father figure.

In the case of the OW with my H - she got in touch on FB - he confided in her about his Dad's abusive parents and skanky siblings (as she came from the same background). She knew he was depressed and I was abroad and she probably just saw an easy target. She then chased him by sending the Fifty Shades of Grey, and demanding gifts and telling lies about how her husband beat her up and how she needed protecting and was sooo frightened. He knew her father had beaten her up as a child - so he was an easy target. She kept on pursuing, after he told her we were trying for a baby.

After I found out, she promised me she would never contact him again, because she felt like a nasty person. Then she told me that I couldn't divorce him because it would make her life difficult and I should encourage them to be friends. Then (because she had keys to his house down south) told him how she had had counselling for violence, and made him believe his house would get trashed if he didn't play ball.

My DH is a pathetic tosser - and I will never think of him any other way - however she did pursue him unrelentingly - and I do believe him that he thought he'd be going anyway after the first mistake, so why resist her.

Subsequently he found out about her true colours, when he met other people from school who will not let their wives go out with her, and the blinkers fell off. He knew her at 11-16 and thought she was sweet and vulnerable. Didn't see the slapper that was blindingly obvious to any woman from her facebook page. Turns out that she has a track record for unrelentingly targetting married men, staying around long enough to trash their marriages, and then running off. Why shouldn't I despise someone like that?!

If a man had done to a woman, what she did to him, then we would condemn them and call it sexual assault - why are we always blaming the men ...... to me it is clearly 50:50 blame. He tried to talk to her about why she kept stripping him when he said no - she just laughed and made out he should have liked it!

potatocakes Sun 02-Dec-12 20:15:57

Fuckitthatlldo the other woman in my case actually knew i was pregnant and had two children, she persued him anyway. She slept with him when fertile on purpose so she could try and get pregnant immediately, and they are both after having my children as well as their own. I don't hate women who have affairs, i know they happen. it wouldn't hurt so much if they had left peacefully, but between the two of them they are systematically trying to "destroy me" in my husband's own words... I feel i am justified in how i feel, and what i wrote.

Also this thread has actually been really cathartic for me, made me feel like i was taking the power back a little without actually having to say it to her face smile

worldcitizen Sun 02-Dec-12 20:19:30

Fuckitthatlldo I am sorry, I am trying to say this kindly, but I am writing to tell you how embarrassed I feel for you...

Seriously, please go back to the very first post starting with the OP and then please kindly "shut the door behind you" after some apologies wink

pennymixup Sun 02-Dec-12 20:22:31

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 02-Dec-12 21:05:33

how lovely, penny hmm

go back to defending porn...you might get more support

pennymixup Sun 02-Dec-12 21:09:05

and when did I defend porn 'Anyfuckerforamincepie'?
nowt wrong with it anyhoo

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 02-Dec-12 21:10:15

thought you might say that

worldcitizen Sun 02-Dec-12 21:17:13

penny how old are you? confused

Do you have nothing better to do with yourself, than having to gate-crash??? hmm

frazzlerock Sun 02-Dec-12 21:33:37

Dear NW (new woman)

Well done for hanging onto him for this long. Don't get too comfortable mind. He will pull that rug from beneath you when you very least expect it, just like he did to me and the several other women between me and you.
He has a very nasty side and will spread lies about you to make himself look like the rational one. Yes he's doing very well for himself now, the big DJ hooking up with all those amazing artists now, but just you wait NW.
I can see 'I am the big I am' rearing it's ugly head once more.
He may be pretty, he may be intelligent, he's (no doubt) promised you the world on a plate. But please do not get sucked in NW.
He will ruin you.
The man is poisonous.
He will suck the life out of you.

Best of luck! You're going to need it....

iwantanafternoonnap Sun 02-Dec-12 21:38:20

erm I sent my letter and the link yeasterday and I got a reply. She said I do not need to warn her as she would rather have loved and lost than not not loved at all (bauk!), that I clearly don't know her as I wouldn't judge her if I did and that I have no idea what I am talking about.

She also said that if I thought she was so lacking in morals why did I let her near my DS. Erm I had no fucking choice that's why!! Oh and she said that because she neither has children nor wants them than she can be objective and has always been on my side and trying to make ex see things from my point of view. Really...fucking really!!! SO when they were trying to take me to court to throw me out of my house that was being on my side!!!

Anyway although I have clearly made myself look like a psycho nutter I do feel better.

They have made the choice not to have DS in their lives and that suits me fine as my DS clearly got in their way anyway.

ProphetOfDoom Sun 02-Dec-12 21:58:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Abitwobblynow Sun 02-Dec-12 22:32:00

Dear OW,

I don't think you are a bad person (although I think you are really stupid to forget that married men lie), I know how good looking he is and how compelling he can be, and I don't doubt what he said to you in order to get you to believe how much he loved you and that he wasn't in a marriage any more in anything but name. That I kept flying back and forth to be with the children probably helped your rationalisation that we were separated.

But really, did you have to help hurt me so much? Where is your self-esteem, that you consented to being f ed in my house, in my bed??? How did it feel, when I used to ring up whilst you were there? Surely you could hear that there was no conflict? And then you would walk upstairs in my house, and have sex in one of the rooms. When he clearly chose you above me, his wife (in stuff only you he and I know about), you must have felt soooo loved! Of course you made him more happy! Of course you were more important! Whatever I did or did not do I did not deserve to be hurt and devalued like this.

I want you to know that I really loved him. I know we had problems, that he never gave, that I always sacrificed, but I thought that if I just said the right thing, made enough effort, that we would connect...

but you know, we are in the same boat now. When I finally had enough of the mistreatment and found you, he dumped you summarily and without remorse. So we both found out his real persona, at round about the same time. We have both been treated as objects and used.

I am so sorry you got hurt and humiliated like that; but I wish you had thought just a little bit about mine, and my wonderful children. The Dalai Lama says: 'above all other things, can we not hurt eachother?'

I earnestly hope and aspire that I never hurt someone the way you helped hurt and humiliate me. The Hippocratic Oath says: 'above all, do no harm'. Jesus said: 'love your neighbour, as you love yourself.'

When we forget these truths, we forget our humanity.

Arthurfowlersallotment Sun 02-Dec-12 22:34:48

Dear OW
If he gets really drunk there's a fair chance he'll shit the bed.
Best get a mattress cover.

Love, Arthur.

Fuckitthatlldo Sun 02-Dec-12 22:57:10

Soupdragon I was speaking in general terms, rather than specifically about you and your case. Keep it civil please. I'm just adding my two pennorths worth to the discussion, same as everyone else.

And on that note, don't feel embarrassed on my account Worldcitizen. There's nothing embarrassing to me about having an alternative opinion. This is a forum for open discussion after all. With respect, it is up to me to decide when and where I post and I see no need for me to apologise - I've done nothing wrong.

As you were.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 02-Dec-12 23:10:00

There's never been an ow for me (hopefully there never will be!!!) but as a woman I find it incredible that any woman would say an ow who knowingly gets involved with a married father is just an 'ordinary woman'. No way!!!!!! What kind if morals do you live by to think this is ok?? Strange. I wonder how you'd feel if it were you being betrayed to the extent that some of these posters have been??

I have a few friends who, over the years, have had affairs with married men, knowingly. It always changes my opinion of them- it's just something I wouldn't do. Theyve very much had the opinion of 'well I'm not married to him'. What's notable though is that the women I know that have done this were all at a low ebb/lonely/slightly desperate for attention at the time. One of them years later had her own fiancé cheat on her and she really felt she deserved it as payback for what she had done to the poor wife of her 'ex'.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 02-Dec-12 23:11:51

I meant...they are if the opinion, I'm not married to her...as in they don't owe her anything. Sorry- too late, too tired.....

pennymixup Sun 02-Dec-12 23:29:29

and I thought you might say that AF!
what does it matter how old I am and how is it gatecrashing?
do you lot have nothing better to do than post endlessly on here about how much you hate OWs?

Fuckitthatlldo Sun 02-Dec-12 23:42:29

I don't think it's ok Mamma. I think to have an affair with a man you know is married is to behave badly. It is something that goes against my own personal moral code and something I like to think I would never do.

However, lots of ordinary people do things they know to be wrong. Lots of people make mistakes. People tend to make a grab at happiness (or what they think might lead to happiness) where they can, and will often kid themselves of all sorts of things in order to be able to justify it.

What I'm trying to say is that OW aren't a species of their own - they are just women like you and I. And I'll bet you many of them would once have said that they would never become involved with a married man... until they did.

Like Soupdragon said, different people have different standards and different moral codes and we judge each other based on those. Well part of mine is that I don't use misogynist language or call other women sexually degrading names. I find it unacceptable. I don't expect everyone else to feel the same, but I will state my case as I see fit.

Beograde Mon 03-Dec-12 07:56:22

Just wanted to add a voice of support to the general point that ftd is making. I can understand why one might hate the ow, but some of the letters are wince inducing

MrsFlibble Mon 03-Dec-12 08:37:50

Fuckitthatlldo When a woman had knowingly set out to destroy your life, out of some sort of triumph, then i think i few bad words that shes not gonna hear is acceptable, some have been a bit extreme, but kinda understandable.

Now maybe a thread to send letters to the deceitful men too.

TwoIfBySea Mon 03-Dec-12 08:49:31

Fuckit, believe it or not this kind of letter writing exercise can help people move on. Writing down exactly what you want to say to the OW, ex-h, whoever has wronged you and even writing a reply closes the chapter rather than leaving the hurt and betrayed in limbo. It saves you wanting to say it in real life too because you've already played out the scenario. I wrote my letter, and response and it was refreshing how it made me let go of the anger and pain even though this was 5 years after the event (they're still together, she made sure she had a couple of kids asap and, in a way I think that's what she wanted him for. He is still a Walter Mitty type so - you reap what you sow.)

Raw emotion is what is left when you've been humiliated and hurt, it's not misogyny. The misogyny is found in the actions of any woman who can involve herself with such a man. Yes the majority of responsibility lies with the man, let's not forget that but to be an OW requires a great degree of selfishness and lack of moral fortitude.

I'm sure we've all been attracted to a man only to find out he is attached. The next step is the one that proves your character and yes, I have walked away myself feeling very sorry for myself as I did but what would I have been if I'd persued?

It's another form of selfishness in a way, can you live knowing you're capable of deceit and cruelty?

Dear OW,

I don't hate you, I won't call you names or patronise you with comments about your age and being a teenager, I won't give you warnings that you'll ignore and I won't give you any advice that you won't listen too.

But, and this is all I ask of you, I would appreciate it if you could do one thing for me. In many many years time on your 40th birthday I would ask that you spare me a thought. You'll more than likely be a mother by then, maybe a wife, definitely a different person than you are today at 18 years old. I ask that you look back at this whole situation and just for a minute put yourself in my place, imagine your children in the situation that mine are are, imagine your daughter in each of our positions and imagine your son was a man who had made the same choices in his life as xxxxx has. I hope by this point you'll have the knowledge and the wisdom, the life experience and the compassion to realise and understand the hurt you've helped cause and to regret it.

This will mean nothing to you right now, but one day it will, one day you will look back and pause to think, one day you will be so ashamed and I hope you find it in yourself to forgive your self when you do.

SmallKindnesses Mon 03-Dec-12 10:28:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 03-Dec-12 11:16:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmallKindnesses Mon 03-Dec-12 11:20:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 03-Dec-12 11:25:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmallKindnesses Mon 03-Dec-12 11:30:55

I've asked for those 2 posts to be deleted, worried about identifying myself (and her).

I understand your point of view, AF, but she is lonely and unhappy and we've been friends for a long time; I don't think I could end our friendship over it, despite our diametrically opposed opinions. Perhaps I need to be a bit tougher.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 03-Dec-12 11:39:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theykillhorses Mon 03-Dec-12 11:46:01

Before I type this out I am not defending OW, no doubt many of them are terrible scheming evil types but here is another perspective.

This year I nearly began an affair with an old friend I met up with at a reunion until I realised I was doing it as a form of self-abuse and I was clinically depressed again.

Aiming to destroy myself through falling into a terrible situation and the other people involved (the man, his wife, children, my husband, children) all seemed insubstantial and not really relevant as if it wouldn't hurt them too much.

It was the same feeling when I tried to commit suicide years ago, I convinced myself that it wouldn't affect the people in my life. I felt rational but was entirely irrational and mentally unstable.

The other man was also depressed I think. The tiny step towards an affair was a warning sign to both of us to look inwards and fix ourselves. His wife did not deserve my attention on her husband and I am very thankful I realised what I was doing so quickly.

I told my DH and saw a therapist and much is resolved now.

I also think writing a letter here to the OW is a good form of therapy.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 03-Dec-12 11:47:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmallKindnesses Mon 03-Dec-12 12:00:30

That was thoughtful of you, AK, thanks. Agree with everything you said btw.

Anskabel Mon 03-Dec-12 12:33:46

Dear NW,

It's interesting to see that my exDP has chosen yet another victim woman who is not only looks exactly like me but also appears to have exactly the same interests, talents and style.

When he chews you up and spits you out, I wonder whether we'll become good friends, just like I've become with his most recently ex, another bright sassy woman who looks like she was separated from me at birth.

Hopefully it won't take you as long as I did to see the light. In the meantime, here's your survival kit:

1) Plastic sheet - you'll need this for when he wets the bed. He can't handle his drink.

2) Overdraft extension - he'll never pay for anything. Don't expect any Christmas presents - he'll claim he's "skint" then spend £1000 a month on his "hobbies."

3) Pushchair - he can't cope with walking further to the corner shop to get his fags without having a tantrum, despite the fact he is an able bodied 34 year old man.

4) Number for your local curry house. He won't eat ANYTHING but takeaway curry and tells you you're being selfish if you cook anything else and ask him to try it.

5) Laxatives. Because when your weight slips above 10st from all that curry you've been eating, you'll be "showing him up" in front of his mates.

Good luck. I look forward to swapping stories with you one day when you've escaped :-)

SmallKindnesses Mon 03-Dec-12 12:44:05

(AF, I meant. Doh.)

Proudnscaryvirginmary Mon 03-Dec-12 13:18:44

Dinosaurs - your post is so, so moving.

I think it's a great idea to vent on here and to express the rage and grief these OW have caused. However, I also smart at the words 'whore', 'bitch', 'skank' etc. I understand the vitriol and the anger - and I also agree that you are justified in despising the OW as well as your unfaithful husbands/ex husbands... I just don't like the mysogynist language. These women have let down the sisterhood (sorry - boak) by their actions, why play by the same rules?

higgle Mon 03-Dec-12 13:27:53

Perhaps the OW would like to start a thread in a similar vein about the wives? none of this sort of behaviour is productive and being eaten up with hatred is not good.

AmberLeaf Mon 03-Dec-12 13:36:35

What behavior?

It's venting isn't it?

Why on earth would the OW have anything to say about wives?!

I totally agree that being eaten up with hatred is not good though. Best thing to do is be happy and smile knowingly.

higgle Mon 03-Dec-12 13:44:42

Because OW do. I practiced as a divorce lawyer in the early stages of my career and it was the worst work I have ever done. In particular the very worst bit of it was seeing a divorcing male with new woman in tow, with the consultation being given over to the soon to be ex wife's shortcomings.

UC Mon 03-Dec-12 14:02:55

Ok, I am several years down the line, settled and happy. Here's mine, and maybe it will help to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Dear OW,
What you and exH did totally rocked my world. But I have rebuilt it. What you and exH did made me feel more angry and depressed and desperate than I have ever felt before or after. I visualised in my head doing all kinds of things to you and him - like punching you in the face, or tearing up all his clothes. I am glad I didn't do any of it for real. Because now I am no longer angry or depressed or angry, I am happy and content and enjoying my life. I decided that I did not want to live my life feeling angry and bitter, as that didn't punish you, or help me. It only kept me in a dark and lonely place.

My children have turned out just fine, they are happy too, and settled. Despite my previous anger against you both, I am so glad that I never slagged you or exH off to them. They are too young to understand those "adult" emotions or relationships, and to have done that would only have confused and harmed them. I am glad that I always maintained the moral highground, as I know when I see you that I have never behaved in a way that was less than dignified. I can stand tall and proud of the way I have conducted myself.

McBuckers Mon 03-Dec-12 18:54:46

Dear OW

Thank you very for contributing to the collection that bought a gift from my husband's workplace to celebrate the birth if our third daughter.

You claim to already love my children, though you have never met them and indeed were out with my husband until the early hours on our third baby's due date when I was scared and in pain and needed my husband's support. You were also shagging my husband in a cheap hotel 5 minutes walk from the family home when my husband promised he'd be back to see the children. Five hours my children had to wait crying for their father.

I realise you've never been a parent so cannot understand the depth of the love involved which is probably why you are now getting resentful of my husband's despair over missing his children.

I really hope you never meet my children, I don't believe you are a good role model for how they should behave. Your actions have shown you to be selfish, cruel and emotionally void.

I really hope you and my husband are soul mates who will be in love and happy together forever, at least then there will be something positive to come out of a situation that has caused such pain and heartache for me and the children.

CremeEggThief Mon 03-Dec-12 19:54:00

Dear OW,
The reason you haven't heard from me is because I believe you are an inferior human being, who is not worthy of my notice.
I hope your parents are ashamed of you, their daughter, becoming involved with a married man and getting engaged to him three months after he left me and our son.

I hope you will both be very unhappy together, as neither of you deserve any happiness in your lives whatsoever. If you even cause each other half of the pain, shock, hurt and anger you have caused me, it will put a big smile on my face grin.

I will support DS in choosing not to see you for as long as he wants, even if it's forever. He hates you, although he doesn't realise your relationship with his father broke up our marriage. You will never play happy families with him. Ever.

<I would like to say a hell of a lot more, but I won't on here.>

ledkr Mon 03-Dec-12 19:59:46

I'm sorry hrs been so horrible to you love. Violent,cheating and does nothing for you and the kids. I'm sad you never get gifts for Mother's Day etc.
My new dh buys me diamonds, treats me like a queen, takes equal share of childcar,supports my career ,so I am extra sad for you.
Finally ow just this. DID YOU ACTUALLY THINK HE WAS A GOOD BLOKE?

denise77 Mon 03-Dec-12 20:49:05

Dear OW
I was a 13 when i found my mother crying begging my father not to go to you. You destroyed my family I hate you. You turned my beautiful mother into a shy sensitive person afraid of my father even when she tried to leave he couldn't let her go. Did you not get the picture when you'd call and I'd tell you to leave us alone or when my 6 year old brother would tell you to leave us alone? I have grown up hating you, hating my father and protecting my mother. I will never forget the hurt you caused. I must thank you though because of you I grew up strong and thanks to you my brother my mother and myself are so close.
Oh and the woman whose marriage you wrecked she is doing just fine I am so proud of her she is back on top she had us to carry her through her dark times a 6 year old and a 13 year old trying to protect her mother and her brother from you. You complete and utter bitch.

Abitwobblynow Tue 04-Dec-12 07:30:26

Because OW do what, Higgle?

Would love to hear more about your thoughts on divorce, the law, and what you found out about it and your own conclusions...

higgle Tue 04-Dec-12 07:46:24

Abitwobblynow - Yes, the worst bit of my career was the family law bit, mainly because it was hard to get a result that pleased your client, and I soon diversified into other bits of litigation before 20 nearly 20 years of just crime.
The practice I worked for had a largish commercial section ( firms were far more diverse in those times) so many of our divorce clients were businessmen.
Sometimes you would get a middleaged man come in with the OW who he was divorcing to be with. Typically there would be a lot of PDA followed by some mutual slagging off of soon to be ex-wife along the lines of being pushed away by various sorts of unreasonable behaviour including "letting herself go". My overwhelming feeling at such times was a total incomprehension about how seemingly sensible men could go straight from one relationshp into another without some time inbetween to grieve the end of one relationship before starting another. I didn't understand how these things work in those days. I would also feel extremely uncomfortable when I felt I was being asked to join in lauding the attractions of the new woman.

In those days clients only viewed sucess as getting wheat they wanted after a drawn out battle in the courts and were not so keen on settling as legal fees were less and one party would usually get legal aid ( which was often entirely free)

chocoreturns Tue 04-Dec-12 08:27:14

I'll not be sending anything to her at all, but my temptation would be to send this to her parents (who she still lived with when she took up with my H, and they entertained him at their home while I was pregnant and they were invovled).

Dear Mrs OW's mum,

I would like to give you the opportunity to talk to your daughter about 'red flags' in relationships. From what I've been told, she is a sweet and fairly quiet girl. I know from experience that my STBXH can be gregarious, outgoing, charming and highly persuasive - being involved with him in the early days may feel like the sun is shining only on her.

However, I know she is already lying to you about the nature of her relationship with him, and he will make sure she continues to do so for a long time. They have not just begun their relationship. It began 18 months ago, before I became pregnant with my husbands second child. When you entertained him in your home last NYE he was cheating on his pregnant wife with your young daughter. Your daughter spent much of last Christmas sleeping with him in my bed, while he avoided spending the holiday with our toddler son and blaming me for his emotional distance. She is lying to you because she is ashamed, and I have no doubt he is encouraging her to do so. Her shame makes her easier to manipulate.

She has accepted a second hand man, sleeps with him in a second hand bed, and this week the 'romantic break' he is taking her away for is to Egypt, where we honeymooned. So she will be enjoying a second hand holiday. She will also have to cope with second hand bullying tactics, financial, emotional and sexual abuse. He will make her responsible for his relationship with our children. He is already pressuring her to become pregnant herself, no doubt to 'help' him cope with the pain of not seeing our newborn son (who he makes no effort whatsoever to see).

My STBXH is a liar, a cheat and a manipulator. Despite him putting the fear of god into your daughter that I will rake mud over her name by naming her in our divorce (which I would have every right to do) I would like you to hear it from me, first hand. I am divorcing him for the domestic abuse I suffered while living with him, of which his infidelities are only a small part.

If you are able to dissuade your daughter from becoming the fourth young woman he does this to (the two before me suffered emotional breakdowns, and terminated their pregnancies) then I urge you to do so.

Yours, Mrs Choco.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 04-Dec-12 09:19:31

Powerful stuff

BerylStreep Tue 04-Dec-12 09:38:28

How utterly sad sad.

I did snigger at Arthur's post though.

Newmama99 Tue 04-Dec-12 09:56:43

Fuckitthat'll do - I agree with you. And like you, I am not an OW and not mother Theresa.

Men must be made accountable for their actions, and sometimes the OW is not told the whole story and doesn't always have the time and space to find out straight away. Sometimes OW have to take a risk and find out for themselves...just like some of the women here who had to find out. At the same time, I can see that people are just using this post to vent out...

ledkr Tue 04-Dec-12 12:34:02

Sometimes the ow does know the whole story though and still jump in and some of them bizarrely continue to taunt and be vile to the wife and children long after the married couple have made their peace.
Yes ow I'm talking about you and your odd vendetta against me and my children!
I don't actually care what you think of me or that you had a ring delivered to my house to "rub my nose in it" cos ex had already explained nicely to me the reason why. I had moved on nicely by then and have never given you or ex a days trouble so why you still obsess over me I don't know.

MrsFlibble Tue 04-Dec-12 16:02:11

ledkr Shes obsessed with you because, you came first, you had the "man" and the kids first, now she just has to tell you, she has him now, its kinda pathetic.

arthriticfingers Tue 04-Dec-12 16:16:24

Excellent post choco would fall on deaf ears, though sad

BerylStreep Tue 04-Dec-12 16:18:47

Yes, I thought that Choco probably should send her letter.

SaraBellumHertz Tue 04-Dec-12 16:46:14

I also don't like the women-hating language but I am sorry so many of you feel as you do.

Whilst many of the other letters should clearly never be sent choco I really would be inclined to send yours sad

chocoreturns Tue 04-Dec-12 17:07:34

sadly I don't know where to send it, I could probably find out, but I don't know what it would achieve. He would probably find a way to use it against me and her if I tried

NatashaBee Tue 04-Dec-12 17:20:24

chocoreturns, you have serious restraint not to send that one.

Blackberryinoperative Tue 04-Dec-12 17:45:39

I have three things to say.

One. Ha. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha grin

Two. It was funny as fuck when he told you to style your hair like mine. And you actually DID it. And looked like a muppet. Took ages to grow out didnt it.

Three. Thanks.

Wrongbow Tue 04-Dec-12 18:41:06

Wow, Choco - didn't your ex claim he left you because he "didn't want to be tied down" or some similar guff? Yet he wants to get OW pregnant?!?

chocoreturns Tue 04-Dec-12 18:47:54

well, I threw him out when I discovered the OW. But in the run up to that discovery yes he was giving me the whole 'I don't think I'm cut out for marriage' line, as well as telling me that our lives were 'not normal' since we had a baby (and I was pregnant with no2). He thinks that you should be able to have a wife, a baby, no job and yet miraculously still have sex with a 25year old, spend money on yourself with impunity and go out/on holiday/off whereever you damn well please. But only if you're HIM. If you're his wife or partner, you should be at home, with no money, cleaning up after him, turning a blind eye to his indiscretions and being grateful for the privilege.

He's a joy to womankind, I tell you.

Yogagirl17 Tue 04-Dec-12 19:19:03

Ok, just to be clear, this is not about woman hating. I don't blame the OW any more than I blame my XH - they were both equally complicit and equally to blame. But I've had my chance to say my peace to my XH. I will never get the chance to say this to the OW (I could contact her on FB, but I won't). So I will vent here. After the year I've been through I think I'm entitled.

Dear OW,

When my XH first met you, you were a single mother because you're husband left you for another woman. I bet your XH told the OW that he was unhappy. I bet she was young and pretty and adored him without question. And when you decided you weren't going to put up with his shit, he became abusive and manipulative, didn't he? I bet he blamed you for his affair. I wonder how I know that.

Now I'm the single mother who's husband left me for another woman (actually I kicked him the fuck out but why quibble over small differences). I bet he told you how unhappy he was and how I never listened to him. I bet you listened, didn't you? You're younger, and pretty and adoring. And guess what? When I decided I wasn't going to put up with his shit...he blamed me. He became abusive and bullying and manipulative.

Funny that...they're all the same you know. You weren't special. He's not special - you're relationship is nothing special. In fact the whole thing is so cliche it's almost funny. I'll tell you what I don't get though. I don't get how, having been me, having been in my shoes, you then consciously chose (yes chose, these things don't just happen, you made a decision) to sleep with a married man. A man who had a home and a wife and two children who adored him. You could have said, "I see how unhappy you are but go back and talk to your wife." Instead you fucked him. And sent him filthy texts and love messages (Yes, I saw them - I read 300 pages of them...every word). You knew.....you knew that what the two of you were doing was going to destroy a family. And even knowing what that felt like, knowing the pain and the grief and the life altering hell I was about to go through....you did it anyway.

Maybe our marriage would have fallen apart anyway; maybe we would have talked and realised we were both unhappy; maybe we couldn't have resolved whatever issues we had. Or maybe we would have realised how much we had invested in each other and put every drop of energy into rebuilding our relationship from the ground up. Either way, that would have been OUR choice. My choice. You took that choice away from me. And for that, I don't forgive you.

I just hope you can live with YOUR choice.

Regards,
Yoga

MrsFlibble Tue 04-Dec-12 19:50:44

chocoreturns I really hope your ex's Karma comes in the form of impotence, then he can no longer dip his wick in poor unsuspecting women.

Abitwobblynow Tue 04-Dec-12 20:50:19

"spend money on yourself with impunity and go out/on holiday/off whereever you damn well please. But only if you're HIM. If you're his wife or partner, you should be at home, with no money, cleaning up after him, turning a blind eye to his indiscretions and being grateful for the privilege."

Wow, Choc, you are married to Mr Wobbly's twin. The spending money with impunity always involved unilateral decisions, didn't they? No consultation, I want therefore I shall have.

Distrustinggirlnow Tue 04-Dec-12 21:19:46

I've been thinking about this thread for a couple of days, wondering whether to post, going thru what the content of my 'letter' would look like, and then I read yogagirl17's post and realised that the last two paragraphs said it all for me really.....

They knew, they fucking knew that he was married with DC, but apparently I don't understand him, don't have sex with him confused am just after his wallet and think more of my horses than I do of him.....
"They were just two people who found each other for a brief time" That was said by one of the OW by the way, not DH.
ah, ain't it romantic...yuk!!!!
Now I thought I was a woman of the world etc but I'm really not as I had no idea that sites such as marital affairs and illicit encounters, existed. I had no idea that women would 'chat' to men online and if they liked the look of them then would invite them to their house, with their DC asleep upstairs, and have sex in their living rooms with these strangers.
Or that following a 'chat' they would meet at an Ibis or Premier Inn for sex the next day.
Will stop now as I'm going off on a tangent!! Have no idea how i would word a letter to that sort of OW, became words fail me... sad
Thanks OP and YG17!!

Yogagirl17 Tue 04-Dec-12 21:36:31

Hi distrusting, I guess like you I realise now how naive I actually was. I didnt think things like that happened in real life...not to nice, smart, normal people. I mean we're not exactly Jeremy Kyle fodder. What a learning curve this last year has been. It turns out it happens all the bloody time and it can happen to anyone. That makes me feel so sad. I'm glad if some of what I wrote helped you. X

SomersetONeil Tue 04-Dec-12 21:51:00

Some of these women sound utterly, utterly vile, as human beings... They do not operate to a moral code that I recognise and some of them sound truly fucked up and even evil. Some of them sound like sad, rather pathetic tragedies waiting to happen.

But without one SINGLE exception, and bearing this /\ in mind... every last man posted about on this thread is far, far worse. WAY worse. Every single one of them. Don't think I'm not referring your ex-partner because he's not as bad as some of the others, because I am. Every last man posted about on here is worse than any of the OW.

Maybe it might be helpful to write an imaginary, cathartic letter to the real villains...

Yogagirl17 Tue 04-Dec-12 21:59:29

Somerset - I can't speak for anyone else but I know full well my XH is just as bad if not worse than the OW. He was the one who broke our marriage vows who lied to my face and to our children, who fucked someone else then came to bed with me....I know all that. But I've said all that a dozen times already. For me this was just a chance to express another bit of the story. I know it's not the whole picture.

SomersetONeil Tue 04-Dec-12 22:31:11

Yeah, I know - and I totally get that it's cathartic, and that this thread allows you (one) to write and say what you think and feel as a way of releasing it, but never actually sending it. It's a 'safe' way of releasing the anger...

But at the end of the day, these men are scum and every single person is better off without someone like that in their lives, making them miserable, making them shells of their former selves, destroying their confidence and their happiness, turning them into paranoid wrecks, fucking up their kids and giving them a warped blueprint of what relationships are like.

Every single person is well-shot of these total losers. They are now some other numpty's problem. The OW's, in fact. Surely that's the most satisfying revenge.

Yogagirl17 Tue 04-Dec-12 22:39:17

Somerset - couldn't agree more smile

BerylStreep Wed 05-Dec-12 15:57:20

yy somerset.

ledkr Wed 05-Dec-12 17:28:11

I agree with Somerset too buts st point out that I don't need to write a letter to ex, trust me when I say he got it face to face full guns blazing and continues to pay all these years later with his regrets and messed up relationships with his dc. He also lost his home,car and life a he knew it. Ow on the other hand got nothing apart from what she wanted (him to herself) and then continued to be an idiot long after when she realised I'd not put up a fight for him and continued to live my life with dignity.
She upped the anti. Rang me at all hours, turned up at my door drunk (I looked after her and took hr home) went on FB to tell my ds's she was pg before thirst dad could, rang my dd who was 5 at the time, on Xmas day to slurr drunkenly that I was a bitch.
All this years later when I was re married and very happy.
So forgive me for reserving a little of my venom for her.

maxijazz Wed 05-Dec-12 23:43:51

Ahhhhh a brilliant thread! I'm well shot of my emotionally abusive ex husband of 6 years. I've been with now husband for 8 years and we have a wonderful marriage, so ex is loooonnnnng in the past. I actually got to say my piece to the ow. I first wrote an 8 page letter to exH, which helped enormously in my recovery, one of the things he'd abuse me with was lack of blow jobs, so in it I asked him to consider why I would want to give blow jobs to a man with such a smelly cock? Haha, made him paranoid to let ow near him...

Because exH was such a nob to everyone, someone set up a Facebook page called "I hate xxx xxx" I discovered that the ow had been dumped by this point and had posted the following "as his EX-GIRLFRIEND I deserve to be on here more than anyone" so I counter posted "as his EX-WIFE I think I hold that trump card, what goes around comes around. Enough said" that put the skanky bitch in her place.

Aaaaand breathe. It felt fucking good. I was at rock bottom anyway, then I caught him cheating. I cannot describe in words the total humiliation and worthlessness I felt. It took me years to get anywhere close to rebuilding myself.

I am well shot if that looser. He has since tried to be friends, I told him to get fucked, my husband deserves better than that as do I.

Very cathartic, thanks!

chairyhin Wed 05-Dec-12 23:57:17

My first ever message,mine was an emotional affair,still denied to this day,left after a year of finding out,have to say A BIG THANK YOU to her cos i coulda been there for another 15 years,now soooo happy in a wee flat with my dcs,happy days ..

Abitwobblynow Thu 06-Dec-12 13:41:09

" I cannot describe in words the total humiliation and worthlessness I felt. It took me years to get anywhere close to rebuilding myself."

Thank you so much for writing that. It makes me feel less of a loon.

AppearingDignified Thu 06-Dec-12 14:27:16

Does anyone else feel competitive with the OW?

CremeEggThief Thu 06-Dec-12 14:50:48

I could feel humiliated that he chose someone he was apparently only seeing for three months over me; his partner of 15 years, wife for 9 of those. Yes, she is younger than me, but she is shorter, fatter and not as attractive. They got engaged three months after he left too, even though I am only just filing for divorce now, almost six months later.

So I could feel humiliated, but it's the one emotion I haven't felt. I take the view that they have humiliated themselves by their disgusting, sickening behaviour. I have done nothing wrong and I can hold my head high. Sometimes, I wish I had got in there first and cheated on him. But if I had done that, I wouldn't be able to take the moral high ground.

BornToFolk Thu 06-Dec-12 15:12:12

"Does anyone else feel competitive with the OW?"

Nah, she wears leather trousers! grin

Seriously, she's clearly a horrible person and a useless mother. She's also not very bright.

I'm a decent person that tries my best to be kind and a good mother. I'd never, ever do what she's done. Like CremeEgg says, I can hold my head high knowing that I've done nothing wrong. And if DS ever asks when he's older, I can tell him the truth without feeling any shame about my behaviour. I bet the OW could not do that with her kids.

ErikNorseman Thu 06-Dec-12 15:58:47

I kind of did at first - her facebook profile made her look sexy and glamorous and I felt like a fat, boring, frumpy mother in competition with this solvent, glam, single type hmm
Turns out it was a very flattering photo cos when I saw her in RL she was fatter than me and very ordinary looking. I know that shouldn't have made me feel better but it did.

ErikNorseman Thu 06-Dec-12 15:59:11

I should add that now I just think she's a dick...

Yogagirl17 Thu 06-Dec-12 17:15:04

I don't feel competitive. I wouldn't be her in a million years.

I met her once, whilst the affair was in full flow. I thanked her for being such a good friend to my husband. And she had the fucking nerve to HUG ME. And in that moment I felt like the smallest person in the world for being jealous and suspicious. But now I know that I am the one who can hold my head up and look my children in the eyes with a clear conscience. That's more than the two of them will ever be able to say.

5hounds Thu 06-Dec-12 18:16:14

Dear OW
I always new you were after my partner, it became obvious when my partner took his son to football and you were there in your boob exposing top and trakies with ur 5 children (from 5 different dads) and constantly letched across the pitch, ur boyfriend noticed to, we even had a chat about it. My partner left his phone one night when he went to get a takeaway, I lost my appetite when seen your nude photo so forwarded it to your partner and promptly emptyed takeaway on my partners head on his return and had the police remove him. Funnily enough your partner was booting you out to, oh dear.
What you don't no is my partner is abusive, violent and forced me into sexual stuff, he is secretly gay! But I don't mind you done me a favour I am now very happy, iv heard your not and my ex cheated on you with a man! Kalmas a bitch

ProphetOfDoom Thu 06-Dec-12 21:19:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fidelia Thu 06-Dec-12 23:39:50

Dear OW

I know it wasn't one sided. I know he flirted heavily with you. I don't and never will know what was in those texts that you sent each other for months. But I know that he felt he had to delete them, even though I'd never been jealous or looked at his phone.

I know that he was lying to me. I'm pretty sure he must have been lying to you too. I'm sure he must have made out that I was some kind of awful critical sexless dragon. I'm not saying I'm perfect, or our relationship was perfect. We had very young children, busy lives and little sleep. But it wasn't that bad either.

I'm sure your attention boosted his ego, made him feel respected and important. And I'm sure I didn't do that because I was so taken up with looking after our children. But if he'd told me how he was feeling, I'd have worked on things.

You knew he was married, knew he had young children, you even met us all - and spent all the time flirting with him and mothering one of our children, whilst I looked after the other one and was stuck talking to complete strangers. Did you think I didn't notice?

You weren't the cause of our problems, but you made them so much worse. They went from something small, to something awful. You see, flirting with you changed him. He started having this secret life. Telling you how awful I was made him dissatisfied at home, stressed because he was hiding things, shutting me out. He stopped sharing even day to day things because he was trying to hide his emotional affair with you.

One thing I thought was in your favour was that when you mt me you avoided me, couldn't meet my eyes. When he told you I'd said something nice about you to him (it wasn't to be shared, but he told me later he'd told you), it seemed to make you think. As I found out later, that's when things started to taper off and you got a boyfriend.

So that's why I can't understand why you wouldn't leave him alone. When I did look at the phone records and saw all the texts, when he told you he was cutting off contact, you didn't respect his decision. When you heard that our marriage was in difficulty, you texted him again, pretending to be his friend, there for him if he needed you.

You're not his friend. You crossed way over that line. I know he was fool enough to want to believe you, but you and I know better. And he's worked that out now too. You're competitive, you want what someone else has, you don't want him.

I know he emailed you saying he'll be back in touch. I found it. I believe we're now in a place where he truly won't, but even if he does, know this: you're second best. Know this too: I love him, flaws and all. But if he does it again, he'll lose me and our children and the house and the respect of all those around him. He'll be broke, he'll be unhappy missing our children and he'll miss me, including the sex.

Find your own sense of happiness. Happiness that comes from loving who you are and not trying to find your worth in whoever finds you attractive. You won't be young forever and you have so much potential. So please stop trying to have what isn't yours and grow up.

Fidelia Thu 06-Dec-12 23:44:03

Ooh that felt good!

The fantasies I've been having about phoning her at work and giving her an earful, or emailing her entire department, including her boss...

chickensarmpit Fri 07-Dec-12 00:06:04

Any woman who becomes the OW while knowing that man is taken in nothing but a dirty whore. My opinion, doesn't mean it's right or wrong.

AndrewMyrrh Fri 07-Dec-12 09:09:04

Fidelia, good letter! Sorry you had to go through all that though.

nokidshere Fri 07-Dec-12 10:35:51

Ladies the only thing I can say about this thread is that, for many of you, finding out about an affair was probably the best thing to happen because your husbands sound vile!! and you certainly deserve better!

Who wants a husband who wets the bed after drink? Who wants a husband who is bullying and manipulative? Doesn't pay his way? Doesn't get involved in family life? If these things you are telling the OW about your DH are true then you are most certainly better off without them!

Kaluki Fri 07-Dec-12 11:36:32

Mine now would be one word only....

KARMA

He did to her what he did to me.
I'm glad I never told her what I thought of her at the time. I came close but resisted and kept my dignity intact.
And yes she knew he was in a long term relationship with a 3 year old son and a baby on the way but she wanted him, pursued him and got him. She even tried to tell him to get a paternity test for DS2 as she wasn't sure he was the father shock. You only have to look at DS2 to see the resemblance but it was a way of getting him to mistrust me which lead to him leaving.
Don't get me wrong I hated him as much or even more than her at the time but SHE should have had the morals to stay well away. He has since apologised, he is a good dad and 10 years on I'm over it now and happier with DP than I ever was with him. OW however is still single, miserable and from what I hear very very fat ha!!!

CremeEggThief Fri 07-Dec-12 11:46:54

Kaluki , glad to hear that somtimes, they get what they deserve grin.

Dear T.

I'm not going to yell at you or have some sort of Eastenders-type showdown. I just want to ask one question -why? You knew that he wouldn't leave me for you. You knew he still loved me - you knew that because that was why you finally stopped the relationship (well - you pretended to at least). So why even bother in the first place? All this mess and pain and upheaval -for what?

And we could have been friends too as I liked you and H said you like me. I'm a good shoulder to cry on and I'm good at offering support. But you blew that.

Oh, and good luck with mc - personally I wouldn't bother. You'd been married for 6m when you and H started your affair so there doesn't seem to be much to fix. But hey ho.

Hope you find a way to be happier in the future than you have been in the past.

x

PS. Thanks for chucking a bomb into the middle of our marriage. We've had to work so hard at picking up the pieces it's beginning to look better than before.

Abitwobblynow Sun 09-Dec-12 18:13:36

Dear OW,

whilst I was very angry with you once, I realise it isn't about you at all. That when the ICs said without hesitation 'she [ie, you] is irrelevant', they were telling it like it is.

I really understand that I can't point fingers at you, because in fact I fell for the same charm, the same conviction that I was special, the same intensity. So how can I blame you for making the same MISTAKE that I made?

It's him, not you. He was the one who chose to step outside his commitment for a feel good trip. He was the one who decided to live this shallowly and without integrity. He is the one who doesn't mind what twat person is making him feel good, as long as he is feeling good. He is the one who treated me, and you, as objects. He is the one who runs away from issues he causes, because he is the one with poor coping skills. He is the one who doesn't know how to process emotions in a responsible way. He is the one who is unable to own either his feelings or his culpability.

It isn't you, and me being angry with you is a misdirection of the real problem.

But, if you can get him out of my house, you can have him. I think you should have the ecstasy of his presence, 24/7.

When I asked my IC as you were told, everything is my fault , so why is he still here? The answer came back 'because you haven't left yet'.

He is a first class, grade A twat, don't you want him?

Slippersox Sun 09-Dec-12 21:30:34

Fidelia.Loving your post.Could have written it myself to OW .Only difference our DCs young adults and DH wasn't saying negative things about me, but we were going through a tough time with business and family health problems and OW made herself so 'helpful' to DH.Her 20 plus texts a day and massive flirting and flattery must have seemed so supportive ,whilst he was gradually withdrawing his support from me and our marriage.'you weren't the cause of our problems,but you made then so much worse' especially strikes a chord.
Don't need to write her a letter.Told her to her face what I thought of her and their self indulgent behaviour.Not sure I'd recommend that but helped at the time.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now