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Husband won't let my family visit

(115 Posts)
sosotiredagain123 Fri 30-Nov-12 18:29:07

DH has for the 2nd time in three months refused to let my parents visit they live over 200 miles away and I have not seen them since July but he wants quiet weekends

NoTeaForMe Fri 30-Nov-12 18:30:34

Think more information is needed. Why does he not want your family to visit? Is it purely because he wants quiet weekends or is there a problem between them?

kenanddreary Fri 30-Nov-12 18:31:32

Sounds unreasonable of him but without knowing the history of this it is really impossible to comment.

Is this the only thing you have tp ask his permission for - I'd tell my husband to get stuffed if he refused me anything (well anything that wasn't totally unreasonable).

HilaryClinton Fri 30-Nov-12 18:32:17

Is he proposing that you never see than again? Sounds like it. LTB

gordyslovesheep Fri 30-Nov-12 18:32:32

he is your husband not you overlord

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Fri 30-Nov-12 18:32:34

Is the only reason that he wants quiet weekends? Is that justified because he works long and stressful hours? Do they usually get on with each other ok or is there a problem?

sosotiredagain123 Fri 30-Nov-12 18:32:38

He does not like them, I do not like his family but feel DC should see both sides he has just sworn at me in front of DC and said get out of my f house if you don't like it

pictish Fri 30-Nov-12 18:32:48

With so little to go on then he is being unreasonable.

What's his problem? Does he usually expect (and get) his own way over things?

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Fri 30-Nov-12 18:32:49

Can you visit them?

It is a bit strange that he is putting his foot down. Does his parents come to stay? Your parents and him, do they get on?

Does he get to decide most things in your family?

ENormaSnob Fri 30-Nov-12 18:33:02

His reasons are?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 30-Nov-12 18:33:09

I would tell my DH to fuck off if he tried to stop my parents coming to visit.

But the situation wouldn't arise, because he wouldn't dream of doing something like that.

sosotiredagain123 Fri 30-Nov-12 18:33:50

He is becoming more and more controlling putting locks on computer at 11.30pm and threatening to reduce money for housekeeping etc. He works fulltime I work halftime but do all the chores and childcare etc

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Fri 30-Nov-12 18:34:06

If you are married, it is not his house. It is a marital asset, and belong to you as much as him. Do you work?

NotAnotherPackedLunch Fri 30-Nov-12 18:34:18

It's your home too. What gives him the right to stop your parents from visiting you in your own home? It's not as though they are with you every fortnight.
Maybe he should go away for the weekend and leave you to enjoy your parents company.

sosotiredagain123 Fri 30-Nov-12 18:34:22

Is refusing to let me visit them

aPirateInaPearTree Fri 30-Nov-12 18:34:23

nice.

how come it's 'his' house. think i'd be packing to be honest. sad

WelshMaenad Fri 30-Nov-12 18:34:46

Accept his kind invitation and LTB. He sounds like a cunt.

ZZZenAgain Fri 30-Nov-12 18:34:51

Well that doesn't sound good. Why is he so angry about it, does he have any real reason for not liking them?

How long have you been married?

sosotiredagain123 Fri 30-Nov-12 18:34:56

won't go away says it is his house we are married

SirBoobAlot Fri 30-Nov-12 18:35:03

He won't let your family visit because he doesn't like them, and he has just sworn at you in front of your children.

Please get some help to leave him.

pictish Fri 30-Nov-12 18:35:09

So he's a cunt then.

You need to do something about this, or your life will become a void. You poor woman!

sosotiredagain123 Fri 30-Nov-12 18:35:28

Married for 11 years. No reason for not liking them

JustFabulous Fri 30-Nov-12 18:35:48

I think it sounds an awful way to live and he is a prick.

pictish Fri 30-Nov-12 18:36:11

How can he stop you visiting your parents?

You say he won't 'let' you. It sounds as though you are in a terrible situation OP. I am very worried for you.

AThingInYourLife Fri 30-Nov-12 18:36:22

He put a lock on your computer? shock

3littlefrogs Fri 30-Nov-12 18:36:36

Wow. Lots of red flags waving here.

He sounds deeply unpleasant, bullying, controlling.

How long have you been married and how many DC do you have?

I find it very worrying that he won't let you visit your parents.

Are there cultural issues at play here?

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Fri 30-Nov-12 18:36:40

Do you have access to money? Your own savings?
He sounds horrid.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Fri 30-Nov-12 18:36:58

He won't let you visit your own parents?

Unless there is something seriously wrong with your parents and he has a valid reason for not wanting his children around them, you need to get away from him.

sosotiredagain123 Fri 30-Nov-12 18:37:01

I am drained by him it is constant walking on egg shells waiting for the next criticism

sosotiredagain123 Fri 30-Nov-12 18:37:39

2 DC

Iggly Fri 30-Nov-12 18:37:51

YANBU

This is a slippery slope. Consider your options.

pictish Fri 30-Nov-12 18:37:57

You are married to a tyrant.

I think you need to speak to Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 ASAP.

You are being abused and controlled OP.

WelshMaenad Fri 30-Nov-12 18:39:28

Has he always been like this?

sosotiredagain123 Fri 30-Nov-12 18:39:34

He says he will keep the children and I can go I can not risk that I have saved some money

JustFabulous Fri 30-Nov-12 18:40:01

He bans you from having your parents to stay.
He treats you like a child by putting a lock on the computer.
He threatens to decrease your "house keeping."
He swears at you in front of your children.
Tells you you can fuck off if you don't like it.

He is awful and seriously, get out just get the fuck out as he is a controlling bastard who sees you as nothing.

Also stop washing his clothes, cooking his dinner and servicing him in the bedroom. That sounds awful but tbh it sounds like it is probably accurate reading how he treats you.

SecretCervix Fri 30-Nov-12 18:40:01

Is he actually going to physically restrain you if you try to go? He sounds a complete horror.

3littlefrogs Fri 30-Nov-12 18:40:12

Has he always been like this? Is this change sudden or gradual?

pictish Fri 30-Nov-12 18:40:21

Women's Aid will help you practically, and enotionally - please call them. xxx

Kalisi Fri 30-Nov-12 18:40:29

Woah! Op this is not normal and it sounds like there is a hell of a lot more going on here. Your husband sounds like a controlling arsehole and there are flags of an abusive relationship raising. Maybe move this to relationships so you can get some advice on leaving the bastard?

JustFabulous Fri 30-Nov-12 18:41:14

Humour him. Ask him how he is going to look after the children and work full time.

ImperialBlether Fri 30-Nov-12 18:41:38

I would be on my way out of the door, personally.

What's your relationship like with your parents? Would you be welcome to stay there? I can't tell you how fast I'd drive to pick up my daughter in that situation.

And btw, do his parents visit or are you expected to visit them? I'm not surprised they're horrible - it sounds as though the acorn didn't drop far from the tree there.

sosotiredagain123 Fri 30-Nov-12 18:42:03

he will manage apparently

fuzzywuzzy Fri 30-Nov-12 18:42:20

he can say what he likes about keepingthe children, the law says otherrwise. Go consult CAB.

Do your family know what he's like? Have you friends close by?

Call womens aid for advice.

3littlefrogs Fri 30-Nov-12 18:42:32

This is not normal behaviour by any standards.

How are you treated by his family?

sosotiredagain123 Fri 30-Nov-12 18:42:43

we visit them and they visit they are rude and very demanding

pictish Fri 30-Nov-12 18:44:22

Just as their son is too. sad

So his parents are in, but yours are out?

He is rotten to the core.

Can you use the money you have saved, take the children and get to your parents.
Whatever you do, get the hell out of there, away from him.
Your situation sounds awful.

Have you any support? Or does he not 'let' you have friends?

sosotiredagain123 Fri 30-Nov-12 18:45:24

I was planning to just take the children to my parents for Christmas and call his bluff if he doesn't want us back probably for the best thought I am very scared

Meglet Fri 30-Nov-12 18:45:30

If you work PT do all the childcare and chores he wouldn't have a snowballs hope in hell of getting the children.

Call Womens Aid. Bullies don't change.

3littlefrogs Fri 30-Nov-12 18:45:46

Sotiredagain - sorry to ask this, was this an arranged marriage? You don't have to say if you don't want to but this sounds depressingly familiar to me.

You need to get advice from WomensAid.

PortoDude Fri 30-Nov-12 18:46:40

Please phone Womens Aid or enlist help from your parents. He sounds like a complete cunt and you and your children deserve so much better than this.

pictish Fri 30-Nov-12 18:46:44

Yes..I'm quite sure you are terrified. He bullies you dreadfully.

WelshMaenad Fri 30-Nov-12 18:46:58

Has he ever been physically violent with you?

JustFabulous Fri 30-Nov-12 18:48:25

It is so easy to say but is there anyway you can pack some stuff and just go to your parents? Get the kids in school there, etc?

expatinscotland Fri 30-Nov-12 18:48:29

Women's Aid. He's abusive. He will not get the children, it's a common threat.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 30-Nov-12 18:50:37

He will not get the children, he really won't.

You must must leave him.

sosotiredagain123 Fri 30-Nov-12 18:52:04

not an arranged marriage the odd slap or kick but mainly just maons on and on and on ............

HilaryClinton Fri 30-Nov-12 18:52:31

Please can this be moved to Relationships

quoteunquote Fri 30-Nov-12 18:53:39

Go to your family, phone woman's aid.

Kalisi Fri 30-Nov-12 18:53:40

If I do one good thing today, I really hope it's in joining the voice of reason and pursuading you to leave this abusive relationship. You have an army behind you OP, please don't feel you are alone in this thanks

pictish Fri 30-Nov-12 18:53:58

The odd slap or kick? Oh dear - you say it like it doesn't matter.
It does. It really does.

You need to get out of there, and take the kids.

I know this must be so so scary for you but yes, take the children to your parents for Christmas and just don't come back.ever.

Leave your stuff, stuff doesn't matter.
Do your parents know what's been going on, will they be supportive?

ZZZenAgain Fri 30-Nov-12 18:57:27

it isn't just about visits from your parents.

I realise it must be very hard to do it after 11 years but I think you should seriously consider leaving him for good and getting a divorce. Can you go and speak to someone for advice on the ins and outs of this? I don't know how easy it would be for you to go and live with your parents atm in view of your current job. They live quite far away, don't they?

Iggly Fri 30-Nov-12 18:57:48

The odd slap or kick?

That's not right. Surely you know that.

pictish Fri 30-Nov-12 18:58:25

I agree. Take the kids to your parents and never ever go back. He is going to end up destroying you if you don't.

BathTangle Fri 30-Nov-12 18:59:02

I've never posted on threads about abusive relationships before, as there are (sadly) so many MNers who are able to give such good advice, but your voice sounds so plaintive OP: the fact that you've even thought that your husband might be reasonable in his attitude is just so sad.

Please follow the advice of all the previous posters: call Women's Aid and get yourself and your DCs out of this place. And you should know that there will be many many MNers to hold your hand as you do it.

WelshMaenad Fri 30-Nov-12 19:00:45

I would genuinely urge you to seek support if you plan to leave.

Women's aid are great, there may also be organisations in your area that can offer you 'floating' support whilst you remain at home and make preparations to leave.

Women in sbusive relationships are at highest risk around the time if leaving, so you need some support, you will also be able to get advice on your rights, especially regarding the children.

Please be careful what you look at/google on the home computer, of he is already exerting control over that he may be checking your history/cookies and whilst you can clear them, this is also a red flag. Use a computer at work or at the library etc.

ledkr Fri 30-Nov-12 19:03:29

Op I really hate my pil visiting. They have to stay are demanding,bossy,greedy and after a long week at work are the last thing I need or feel like. However, I pull a little face tell dh to get some extra food and then smile all weekend whilst wishing I could relax. What I don't do is tell him they cannot visit in his own home!
He sound worryingly controlling. I'd be concerned this is escalating and you will end up cut off and come rely ruled by him which is abusive.

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Fri 30-Nov-12 19:06:15

It might well be possible for him to be forcibly removed from your home and prevented from returning. A man who is violent and abusive loses his right to live in the family home - you can get an occupation order to allow you and the DC to stay there and to keep him out. What he says and what he thinks are irrelevant, you are not a possession or a servant, and he has no right to treat you like this. Call WOmen's Aid, arrange to see a good lawyer and get rid of this horrible man.

ledkr Fri 30-Nov-12 19:06:23

And op my ex pulled my hair once because he'd heard I was talking to a man. Three years later he fractured my skull burst an ear drum and damaged my sight.
I had to be relocated by the police.
It starts small and gets worse.

pictish Fri 30-Nov-12 19:08:08

He will not get to keep the kids btw. No matter what shit he spouts, that will not happen.

Astelia Fri 30-Nov-12 19:11:06

So sorry to hear this OP. Good luck in getting away from this abusive and controlling man. It sounds like he is checking out of the relationship if he is treating you with such contempt.

catgirl1976 Fri 30-Nov-12 19:13:14

What do you mean by "refused" and won't "let" you?

What would happen if you just told him they were coming and that was that? Are you scared of him or his reaction?

thecook Fri 30-Nov-12 19:13:44

Please please leave this controlling piece of shite.

Women's Aid then a solicitor.

catgirl1976 Fri 30-Nov-12 19:15:08

Have now read the full thread

Take the advice to get in touch with Womens Aid, CAB or a solicitor

sad

ThereGoesTheYear Fri 30-Nov-12 19:17:06

He's abusive. He won't get the children. Just so that you know that you can do this, call Women's Aid, see a solicitor, and chek your benefits entitlement. You can't live like this.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Fri 30-Nov-12 19:18:03

Leave the bastard. Seriously. And as soon as possible. He won't take the kids, he's just saying it to frighten you into staying.

crunchbag Fri 30-Nov-12 19:26:11

What would happen if your parents did come over for a visit? Could they take you and the children home with them?
Can you go to your parents without him stopping you, do you have access to a car, money for petrol etc?

Please phone woman aid or talk to you parents and ask for their help.

tadjennyp Fri 30-Nov-12 19:32:21

I really hope he doesn't check your internet history and find this thread. From what you have described it is the kind of thing that would push him over the edge. Can you delete your history? You would know where to find it another time.

As ledkr says it starts small and escalates. Plenty of us have been there and had to leave. He has no right to tell you you can't see your parents and is doing that so you are isolated and he has complete control over you. When was the last time he 'allowed' you to see a friend? I am really worried for you and like the others urge you to call your parents and/or Women's Aid. He won't get to keep the dcs. [hugs]

sosotiredagain123 Fri 30-Nov-12 20:07:14

He is vile I pushed it about my family coming and he twisted my arm and poured a glass of wine over me

catgirl1976 Fri 30-Nov-12 20:11:43

PLease call someone

Family, womensaid friend or police

That is terrible and assault

pictish Fri 30-Nov-12 20:12:06

Oh Hell. sad

expatinscotland Fri 30-Nov-12 20:12:50

When he goes out to work next, you leave with your kids.

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Fri 30-Nov-12 20:14:40

If you think he's revving up for more tonight then call the police now and say you're afraid of him, that he's abusive, and you want him removed. The police take domestic violence very seriously; it is a crime.

KenLeeeeeee Fri 30-Nov-12 20:15:38

Please contact Womens Aid and get out of there. Please.

sosotiredagain123 Fri 30-Nov-12 20:16:04

He says he will say I abusive him I wish he was dead

sosotiredagain123 Fri 30-Nov-12 20:16:53

abused sorry can't see for tears he is bright and very plausible

stargirl1701 Fri 30-Nov-12 20:17:02

OP stay safe. Call Women's Aid as soon as you can. Police on 999 if he is violent tonight. Stay safe.

MrsDeVere Fri 30-Nov-12 20:18:02

Please make your plans to get away.

There are lots of MNers who can help you to do this SAFELY. They know their stuff (sadly).

Its time to get out but in the right way.

This really does need moving to relationships. Does he check your browsing history? You will need to delete if he does. He sounds as if he would.

pictish Fri 30-Nov-12 20:18:19

Women's Aid OP. Please please talk to them!

You must get out of there as a soon as you can! No marriage or job is worth this half life you are living!!

tadjennyp Fri 30-Nov-12 20:18:45

Then you need to go to the police. If you have bruises they can be documented. In fact take pictures of the bruises when they come out and send them to a friend.

SoldeInvierno Fri 30-Nov-12 20:19:38

OP , you are not alone on this. Women's Aid and the police seen 1000's of cases every year of women in your situation. Don't wait for it to get worse. Call someone and get help. They will believe you and help you.

skatebauble Fri 30-Nov-12 20:22:10

Please get out op. Asap.
If not for your sake, for your dc.

LaCiccolina Fri 30-Nov-12 20:22:49

Hang on a minute! Ur bright and u are plausible! How Fi I know? U have just written four pages of posts and have many women answering you and believing you.

You have another here. This is no way to live my dear. It's one thing when things creep up and change but once u notice, I mean really see what's happening as u do clearly do now, can u tell us u can ignore it for the rest of ur life?

Please babe, do as the others urge. U wouldn't let a friend go thru this would u? So why r u? Please....?

Chopstheduck Fri 30-Nov-12 20:23:09

Do talk to women's aid. The number won't show up on your phone bill. They won't try to coerce you not anything you aren't ready to do, but can offer your device on your situation.

He sounds a nightmare. I know what it is like to be in your kind of situation, where everyone else things he is charming and don't see the other side of it.

StanleyLambchop Fri 30-Nov-12 20:26:05

the odd slap or kick

Enough already, get out of there!!!

gordyslovesheep Fri 30-Nov-12 20:27:22

another vote for Women's Aid

set yourself free of this utter bastard - you are your kids deserve better x

OliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 30-Nov-12 20:43:01

Hello OP
Do let us know if would you like us to move this thread to relationships, won't you?

sosotiredagain123 Fri 30-Nov-12 20:44:50

Where ever you think is best sorry to post in the wrong place

DrCoconut Fri 30-Nov-12 20:59:13

My ex kept telling me to "f" off if I didn't like his increasingy bizarre and controlling behaviour. One day I oblliged and never went back. Sounds like you need to consider the same. This sort of thing does not usually improve.

hellymelly Fri 30-Nov-12 21:00:49

OP I am so sorry you are in this terrible position, as all the posters above are saying, you need to get advice on getting away from this man before things get worse (which they will if you stay). Taking the children to your parents is a good idea. (Does anyone know if the OP reported him for the assault/s she could get him to have to leave the home? ) I wouldn't tell him where you are going, or that you are going, I would just pack and take the children when you can.

Promethea Fri 30-Nov-12 21:06:00

Im going to join in and agree with everyone that you have to get out, quickly.

It will be hard and scary, but I think you've done the hardest and scariest bit already by sticking around so long. Good luck

cheesesavory Fri 30-Nov-12 21:06:48

Please call womens aid. You cannot carry on in this relationship and neither can your children.

pigletmania Fri 30-Nov-12 21:06:55

Leave the bastard, he sounds lie a prize knobber.

pigletmania Fri 30-Nov-12 21:12:26

Just read the whole thread, my god what. Controlling, abusive bastard. Please call those helplines. Can you move in with your arents or ny friends nearby

QOD Fri 30-Nov-12 21:14:07

If you can't bring yourself to leave him right now, start planning slowly

Any passports, birth certs, monies etc hide them away, pack necessities and hide that too.

Then start to plan, we understand if you can't do it now, but you need to start training your mind to accept that you may have to

JugglingWithPossibilities Fri 30-Nov-12 21:27:51

How soon do you feel you could pack a bag with essentials (birth certs or passports etc) and take your children to your parents for Christmas, with a view to not coming back ? Life can be better than this. good luck !

AdoraJingleBells Fri 30-Nov-12 21:27:54

You really do need to heed the advice already given, plan to leave if you don't feel able to do it today. Speak to Women's Aid, tell them about the slaps and kicks, twisting your arm back and pouring alcohol over you, isolating you from your family, threatening to take the children. Tell them every detail, no matter how small you think it is. Do you drive and have access to a car? If so keep the tank topped up. If not find out times of trains from your nearest station. Do have a friend you could trust and stash a bag with them?

Don't worry about having posted this here, it's the not the wrong place it's just that Relationships may be a better place.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 30-Nov-12 21:35:43

If the op reports the next assault he can either be given bail conditions not to return and/ or a short term order obtained by the police usually lasting a few days to provide opportunity to obtain a none molestation and occupation order or just get some thinking and breathing space away from him but in her home.

Your local police station will have a specialist police officer who will have heard the same old threats thousands of times and will be able to offer reassurance.

If you see a solisiter about domestic violence and separation or protection only your income is considered for legal aid its not done on joint income he cannot stop you doing this and his version of events won't matter.

You do not have to leave your home if you don't want to you can get orders to make him leave and carry on paying for you to live there. He will be made to leave and he will be ordered to stay away from you and can be arrested if he ignores the orders.

akaemmafrost Fri 30-Nov-12 22:02:16

The police WILL believe you I promise. They are totally different to how they used to be, many forces have units specifically for DV. It is their job and their duty to believe and help you. I would call them right now. I have done under similar circumstances and they removed him there and then and he never lived in the family home again.

JugglingWithPossibilities Sat 01-Dec-12 18:52:50

I know everyone's trying to help but I couldn't help noticing "If the OP reports the next assault" and thinking God, she doesn't have to wait for the next one does she ? I'm sure she's got plenty to tell Women's Aid or the police already if she'd like their support with the situation and moving on from it. And we can all leave any relationship - or should be able to - as soon as we realise we're not happy with things as they are. HTH.

ThereGoesTheYear Sun 02-Dec-12 12:06:24

I agree with Juggling. OP, he has already assaulted you by twisting your arm and pouring wine over you. You don't need to wait until he does it again; you can call the police now. But I really would recommend calling Woman's Aid as soon as you can. This is without a doubt domestic abuse. Woman's Aid is a great place to start. They will have heard it all before, including his petty threats and counter-accusations, and will not tell you what you have to do, but they will tell you what you can do.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 02-Dec-12 14:10:38

Yes she could go talk to the police now with the historical stuff and she is very likely to get a very symperthetic response they will be very helpfull and supportive but the emergency powers the police have are designed to be used where an arrest is made or straight after an assault they are not the same as a court order.

The op could also get legal support and go to court to get him out of the house sadly this is easier if any assaults have been reported.

The op could also phone woman's aid who could give emotional support find a refuge place refer to a dvip or other support service.

I only highlighted an instant way that she can gain practicle help to stay in her own home, leaving fleeing going else where or what ever else you want to call it, is not the only way often its not the best way and its not the only option. Many many people experanceing DV do not want nor do they need to leave there home and if they can get help to stay should they choose to then why shouldn't they.

It's also a fact that its much easier for the police to gain the evidence they need to present to the cps so a conviction can be obtained as well as a cps obtained protection order so furthering the likelyhood of her being able to safely stay in her home if they are involved as quickly as possible after an assault obviously if they are investigating a current DV offence then a good DV specialist officer will take historical information to show a patten or highlight risk but the likelyhood of that ending up with more convictions or charges in the absence of witnesses or documented injuries ect is slim but it can assist with getting a protection order as well as other things.

myroomisatip Sun 02-Dec-12 15:46:39

OP Just read the thread! Please call Womens Aid. My STBXH was just the same! I put up with it for years. It takes a lot to not feel bitter and twisted that I have wasted my life on him! Oh he was living the life of Riley while I had to work to feed myself and my kids. This year he has had at least 2 holidays abroad while I don't have a penny to spare and have not had a holiday for over 20 years. sad

Don't waste another minute with him! Go get some legal advice.

And please don't worry about calling the police. They are wonderful and believe me, they are not stupid. My STBX is also a charmer but he couldn't pull the wool over their eyes.

Also, if you can, and please be careful, record his verbal assaults on your phone.

I know it is scarey. It took me too many years to find the courage to start to get out, and if it wasn't for the wise and wonderful women on MN I might never have found the courage.

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