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Porn and lies

(136 Posts)
sickofporn Wed 28-Nov-12 16:28:37

I wonder if anyone can advise me on how to block porn from my home computers and husband's phone. DH has told me he is going to stop (again) but I want to make sure it can no longer be accessed in my home should he relapse. I have no sex life while DH seems prefers to prefer a wank over disgusting images. I have to protect my DCs and save my marriage sad

Itwillendinsmiles Wed 28-Nov-12 16:44:57

Re. home computers you can surely have password protected accounts for each of you?

And his 'phone can be password protected? Your DC don't need to use that?

I don't see that blocking your DH's access is the answer to saving your marriage (he has free choice... and I'm not sure you 'blocking' his access is fair or reasonable) but protecting your DCs seems straightforward and logical.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 28-Nov-12 16:47:27

It's not your responsibility to block porn. You are not your husband's conscience, his prison guard or his parent. The only person who can change your husband's behaviour is himself. If he has no intention of stopping with his habit, it is not your problem to resolve... it is his.

Place the responsibility very firmly on his shoulders, not yours. Set a severe consequence for failure and follow through.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Wed 28-Nov-12 16:47:47

I don't think you can stop him from accessing porn. Only he can do that. If he wants to.

If you have to police his behaviour, then either he is not worthy of your trust, or you are no longer willing to give him your trust. Either option spells a doomed relationship.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 28-Nov-12 16:48:36

BTW Why do you have to 'save your marriage'.... are you the one doing their level best to destroy it?

vintageviolets Wed 28-Nov-12 16:49:28

He would probably get another phone on the sly anyway, sorry op.

Apocalypto Wed 28-Nov-12 16:52:08

If you block his porn access, how will you know whether he's stopped looking at porn because he wanted to, or whether he's stopped because you blocked his access?

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 28-Nov-12 16:52:44

You can't block it.

There's ways, of course, to make it more difficult. Child protection programs on the computer and his phone, etc. But he'd quickly learn how to break them, and it's very easy.

You would have better results by stopping him using the computer or his phone at all. But even then he'll probably just use works computers (you'd be surprised how many people do!) or a friends laptop, or buy a laptop or tablet, and a new phone, or use a friends phone. And eventually he'd need access to a phone or computer again, and he'd access porn, and you'd be back to the beginning.

It's very similar to alcoholics. You can hide the alcohol (by god I've tried, my childhood was spent hiding alcohol, knives, food, medication) but you can't stop them getting more, or drinking it out, or using someone elses'. He'll just get sneakier, and you'll see less. He has to want to do it himself. And saying that he can't is a cop-out. He can. It's him that makes him type it in, and it's him that looks at it, and it's him that responds to it. He can stop, and he can get help to stop from his GP if he needs a support network, but you can't make him.

If this is marriage breaking already and he hasn't stopped, I don't fancy his chances. It sounds like he just doesn't care enough to want to stop. He either doesn't believe you'll walk, or he doesn't care.

If you did this he would access porn somewhere else. What you are proposing is not going to work as you would be forever vigilant. No trust - no relationship.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?. They likely sense your unhappiness even if you do not openly express your discontent towards their Dad. Its no relationship model for them to follow.

Where are his consequences for his actions?. Do you really want to save your marriage seeing as he is trashing it completely by his actions?. What is HE doing to save his marriage, two people make a marriage work and it is impossible for one person to save an ailing marriage.

Servalan Wed 28-Nov-12 16:55:05

I totally understand where you are coming from - unfortunately, there are some people out there who for whatever reason are frightened of intimacy and can only engage with sex by detaching from a personal relationship and by objectifying people. I'm not saying that all porn users do that - but I certainly know a few that do.

That being said, since your DH is a grown up, he has to take responsibility for his own actions. Taking control by blocking his access to porn is like fixing cracks in the wall using sellotape. He will find somewhere else to access the porn. It won't stop the underlying issues that are making him use porn as a substitute for a close, intimate relationship. This is what he needs to deal with.

At the same time, it is absolutely right for you to set boundaries of what you are prepared to accept within your relationship and be firm on that

In the meantime, I understand about needing to protect your DC from seeing images, and maybe that can be done with passwording - unfortunately I'm a technical dunce and cannot advise on that.

Unfortunately it does sound as if in this instance the cause needs to be dealt with by your DH rather than just dealing with the symptom

Good luck

ecclesvet Wed 28-Nov-12 17:09:05

It isn't your place to do this. If you want to do it to keep the kids from it, fine, but they aren't the ones searching for porn. Using child filters to keep your husband away from porn (and whether that's even a problem is a whole other thread) is bizarre. You need couples counselling, not Internet blocking software.

sickofporn Wed 28-Nov-12 17:18:26

Thanks for replying. I understand what you are saying about the trust thing. I have tried it. I first found porn on my pc by accident 5 years ago. I was really shocked as I did not think he was the type to disrespect women and his marriage. He tried to tell me he was only using it for a couple of months, I found out it was at least 8 months then. He was really sorry and said he would never use it again. He has always known how I feel about porn. He tried to blame me by saying I refused him sex (I don't remember this I seem to have a higher sex drive than him)

I have never checked up on him ever. I suspected because he never wants to have sex with me and I was frustrated. I just called his bluff last night during a row about something else and told him I know he is wanking to porn again and he said "Newsflash ALL men look at porn" I had NO idea that he thought this. I am really hurt. This morning before he went to work he told me he would stop the porn.

Hatpin Wed 28-Nov-12 17:22:44

There are only two guaranteed way to stop your H from accessing porn in your home. One is for him to choose to stop doing it, the other is for him not to be in the home anymore.

If him doing it is a dealbreaker for you, why are you trying to save your marriage?

Surely its either stop the dealbreaking activity, or the deal is over?

Letsmakecookies Wed 28-Nov-12 17:24:29

I totally get where you are coming from, a debate on whether porn is ethical or not aside, my xh preferred porn to sex and it is utterly humiliating and soul destroying.

As with alcohol abuse, overspending and any other behaviour which has the potential to cause relationship damage, the only thing you can do is decide where your boundaries lie, set them down firmly and follow through with the consequences. In my case that is what I eventually did (actually not for porn but other things) and I am so relieved. I think that is the only word to describe it. I had been suffering for so long in a relationship that was being damaged by behaviour I could just not live with, together with many promises of change and us 'wanting the same thing', that the day he left I felt the most enormous relief.

You cannot stop him, but you can stop putting up with it and let him decide what action to take.

I would actually, from my own experiences, debate that couples counselling is perhaps not the right avenue, but individual counselling would be better. Until he admits that perhaps he has a problem, through perhaps individual counselling, what is the point. You don't need to sit in a room and come to a mutual agreement on what you personally can or can't live with with the help of a 'judge'. That is joyously and with great difficulty all your own responsibility. You need to decide it for yourself, perhaps with a therapist if you feel you need to talk to someone about it.

Letsmakecookies Wed 28-Nov-12 17:25:34

All men may or may not look at porn, but not all men refuse sex as they prefer porn.

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 28-Nov-12 17:25:47

He doesn't sound like he cares sad

The "All men watch porn" line has been disproved about a million times by now, and it wouldn't matter even if it hadn't. Would he follow "all men" off a cliff?

Blaming you for his porn usage is also not on.

I think he owes you a big apology. He was so disrespectful. Then you have to give him a chance to stop using porn, and hope that he does. Blocking it won't help because you won't know if he's tried, or if he's using it elsewhere. You need to know that mentally he has stopped, and he values your relationship enough to stop.

I'm not surprised you are hurt sad

AnyFuckingDude Wed 28-Nov-12 17:28:45

Child filters for your husband? Marriage over

sickofporn Wed 28-Nov-12 17:28:47

Thanks everyone, I am going to meet him from work now. Will check back later tonight.

Why doesn't your DH want to have sex with you?
Why does he prefer to use porn than have sex with you?

How do you know that porn use is the real issue here, rather than your lack of sex life (which if dealt with might stop the porn use)?

As an aside, why do your DCs need protecting? Is he viewing illegal porn / viewing it when they are around?

HairyGrotter Wed 28-Nov-12 17:49:54

My ex was a porn addict, he asked me to find out ways of blocking his access to it, I left him. It's like me saying "Oh, I'll give up smoking but everyone around me isn't allowed to smoke". No, he has to WANT to give it up, and it's up to HIM to do so.

I would remove him from the home till he makes his decision, his family or his addiction.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 28-Nov-12 18:19:44

I agree with those who say its HIM who has to make the choice between porn and his marriage/family life.

You can't cure or control him.

Your best chance of saving the marriage is LOSS. This means telling him to give you space and time to process your thoughts about what you want to do about your future given that he has checked out of the marriage.

prh47bridge Wed 28-Nov-12 18:38:48

All men do not look at porn. Most men do. Most do not prefer porn to sex.

I'm afraid there is no way you can block porn completely. The software used to block such things generally relies on lists of known porn websites. If he visits a porn site that is not known to the software it won't block him. And it generally isn't that difficult for someone with a little bit of computer knowledge to turn the porn blocking software off.

You/he should be taking steps to make sure your children aren't exposed to porn. That could be as simple as making sure he uses a password protected account.

If your sex life was good would his porn usage still be an issue? I doubt his porn usage would stop completely even if your sex life was wonderful but it would probably diminish.

sickofporn Wed 28-Nov-12 20:09:56

Our sex life will never be wonderful if he is using porn. It is also very hard for me to want him at the moment like I did before knowing that he has been looking at other women whilst getting off. I told him that maybe I should try having a search for big cocks on the Internet for me to wank over, but I would never want to hurt him by wanking over other men. I made vows to him on my wedding day. Being faithful to him should make me feel good. But he has hurt me by wanking over other women. And yes they are real women not imaginary.

vintageviolets Wed 28-Nov-12 20:14:56

Porn can be accessed via a Playstation 3 & WiFi
<bitter experience when I saw the PS3 history on the t.v screen>

There are probably lots of other ways as well.

ecclesvet Wed 28-Nov-12 20:53:09

"Our sex life will never be wonderful if he is using porn"

Well then you have a chicken and egg situation, because he isn't likely to stop using porn if he has an unsatisfying sex life.

AnyFuckingDude Wed 28-Nov-12 21:01:38

eccles...are you really saying that Op has to force herself to sleep with a man that disgusts her in order to wean him off his porn habit ?

I say leave him to his love affair with porn, and go and find yourself a real man. You have no responsibility here...not even half for your partner's inadequacy, despite some people appearing to infer that if you just gave him more blow jobs and anal like the plastic-titted ladies do, all will be well

FastLoris Wed 28-Nov-12 21:05:08

* I told him that maybe I should try having a search for big cocks on the Internet for me to wank over, but I would never want to hurt him by wanking over other men.*

What was his reaction, when you told him that?

Also, why do you think that his not looking at porn would make your sex life OK? They're different things. He might just not fancy you, or he might not feel comfortable being intimate with you, for whatever reason.

There are various ways of blocking porn, with various degrees of effectiveness, and none perfect AFAIK. I'm no expert but you could try this:

http://www.opendns.com

Unlike conventional filtering software, it doesn't install a program on your PC. Instead, it reroutes your internet connection to go via the OpenDNS server rather than your ISP's server. You can then set various filters on the feed itself, and they apply to everything that comes into the house via that connection, no matter what device it's accessed on.

ecclesvet Wed 28-Nov-12 21:15:04

No, not saying that at all. Just that her view of the "our sex life is bad because he watches porn because our sex life is bad because he watches porn because our sex life is bad because he watches porn because our sex life is bad because he watches porn because..." cycle is no more valid than his.

AnyFuckingDude Wed 28-Nov-12 21:22:43

I believe that a person like this, if he did have a satisfying sex life would still use porn. So, i don't actually agree it's a cycle at all.

It's a justification, and a false one at that. This inference that he uses porn because his sex life is "unsatisfactory" is bollocks. He uses porn (at the expense of his marriage) because he is an unsatisfactory and inadequate person.

sickofporn Wed 28-Nov-12 22:12:52

Thank you AFD those are my sentiments also.

FastLoris - He thinks I would never really look at other men, and I don't want to. I think that would make me feel worse, not better. I did think of leaving a search history of hot naked young men shagging on the pc for him to find but then I thought I don't want him to get any more ideas!

As for him not fancying me well it's his loss then I refuse to let his seedy habit affect how I feel about myself.

If we never had sex again for a real reason such as his health I would live with that but I can't accept the reason I am not getting any is because of porn. I deserve better than that and he should know that.

AnyFuckingDude Wed 28-Nov-12 22:18:43

SOP, what are you going to do, love ?

It seems you have been driven to make your own choices now, since he has made the wrong one (or certainly the marriage-wrecking one, for you)

Put up and shut up. Or end your marriage.

My marriage ended because of porn. It was as simple and as complicated as that.

It was always there - even though I was never anxious or a "snooping" type of woman it never got better. I have an old thread on here somewhere. People had great advice. I can link it if you think it would be helpful.

sickofporn Wed 28-Nov-12 22:24:04

I do not want my marriage to end. I am crazy about this man he is the love of my life. But that is why it hurts so much.

I do want to protect my DCs as much as I can though. My DH was not born this way he was exposed to porn at a very young age I remember him telling me he stole his grandad's dirty magazines when he was 13.

I was never exposed to anything like this as a child.

sickofporn Wed 28-Nov-12 22:25:03

Yes please link. I am really scared of the marriage ending talk though sad

AnyFuckingDude Wed 28-Nov-12 22:38:51

SOP...what your husband describes as his introduction to porn is actually pretty standard, I am sorry to say

AnyFuckingDude Wed 28-Nov-12 22:39:24

I saw my father's porn mags at a younger age than that.

Oh yes - I saw mucky mags back then too. I think most people did didn't they?

Hold on and will post link. Don't want to be the voice of doom, so take from it what you will. x

here

Funnily enough - looking back, the thread ends and I'm still taking about going to relate. We never did.

sickofporn Wed 28-Nov-12 23:12:43

Thanks for the link. I'm going to read it now.

You're welcome. Happy to help more if I can.

I don't regret leaving for a second.

Charbon Wed 28-Nov-12 23:33:47

I think the crux of this is that he is going to continue to use porn and lie to you about it - and your sexual needs are always going to be a secondary consideration to his.

It is extremely unlikely that even if you were having sex morning, noon and night he would stop using porn. You said you've had the higher sex drive and on one occasion he tried to persuade you that you were imagining this and in fact had stopped wanting sex.

So ultimately you have to decide if you want a decent sex life with a man who doesn't use porn and with whom you can raise your children without fear of their exposure to it - or you put up with the alternative. I can't see any other option here with a man who keeps lying to you and now appears to be telling you to get over yourself, because all men do it.

They don't - and you simply don't have to accept this as a life for you and your children.

ATourchOfInsanity Wed 28-Nov-12 23:43:31

I never really got over being lied to about porn by an ex. I also went a bit mental comparing myself to the women - was early 20's and a bit low of le old self esteem. I never felt right with him though after finding his history. He would sometimes stay home when I did the food shop and I would spend the entire time racing around the shops thinking "I know what he is doing, lazy selfish git!" and try to catch him at it when I got home...never worked and just felt resentful.

I hope you can resolve this in some way, but, without trying to portend doom and gloom, I fear this may be a bit of a turning point about how you see this man.

Would also reiterate you can't block all porn. He will find a way, phone, work or internet cafe etc. If he is addicted, perhaps he could get counselling? It should not be the norm this takes over REAL sex, and he needs to get that message loud and clear.

ATourchOfInsanity Wed 28-Nov-12 23:45:29

It is NOT the norm that PORN takes over from having real sex.
Sorry, about to go to bed and seem to be missing words grin

notmydog Fri 30-Nov-12 11:34:32

I am more or less in exactly the same situation you are in OP. I've cried many tears over the past 20 years. I've had many soul distroying situations in my marriage. I have become a hard person, I have lost my faith completely. It's distroyed the person I was before. I love my DH and I have chosen to stay with him. He is my best and only friend. But I don't know for how much longer I would be able to put up with the humiliation. My DH also prefers porn to sex with me. I have had very low self esteem because of this. I have a daughter and since having her I've contemplated leaving my marriage to protect her. My DH is a wonderful person and a very good father. I couldn't take that away from my DD or from him. But sometimes I feel that he's already made the choice between his marriage and his addiction. Because he hides things from me and lies to me and only ever comes out with the truth when he gets caught, I find it difficult to trust him. It hurts so much because I genuinely love him. But maybe I've just been a fool for the past 20 years.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 30-Nov-12 11:46:58

" I would never want to hurt him by wanking over other men"

Ironically, men are rarely upset by the idea of women masturbating... whether over a man, a photo of a man, or a 'Fifty Shades' type novel.

ATourchOfInsanity Fri 30-Nov-12 12:01:37

Also for a lot of woman, images of men shagging simply don't have the same appeal as an actual relationship and sex with someone you love.

badinage Fri 30-Nov-12 12:08:48

Ironically, men are rarely upset by the idea of women masturbating..

Women are rarely upset by men masturbating though.

It's not about masturbation is it? It's about masturbating to real life women in porn, at the expense of a sex life.

I think men would be very upset about that, if the boot was on the other foot....

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 30-Nov-12 12:10:17

And for a lot of women, images of men in the nip are just a timely reminder to order the Christmas turkey.....

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 30-Nov-12 12:13:03

Definitely.... men would be very upset if the missus was so busy with the Rampant Rabbit and 'www.hotnakedblokes.com' that they didn't get a look in. But they're generally OK if masturbation is the warm-up act to the main event ... hmm

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 30-Nov-12 12:15:21

I say 'generally'.... I have no basis for that statement other than my own relatively limited experience...

ATourchOfInsanity Fri 30-Nov-12 12:18:17

Would love to read a thread by a man who can't get a look in 'cos his wife was always at The Dreamboys club with work colleagues, reading 50 shades at home with her rabbit while he does food shopping and hiding her online stash of Big Cocks whenever he walked into the room and pretending she was doing 'research' for work.

Not seen one yet.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 30-Nov-12 12:19:42

We have better things to do with our time. smile Maybe that's it? Some men have too much down-time.... devils and idle hands and all that....

badinage Fri 30-Nov-12 12:25:14

In my own experience, I've never met a woman who disapproves of men masturbating. Or a man who minds women doing it.

I have met women and men who disapprove of using porn involving real people to do it and who think it's unimaginative and unethical.

Suppose I just wanted to point out that this thread is about masturbating to porn at the expense of a sex life - not masturbation itself.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 30-Nov-12 12:26:20

I've met a few women who disapprove of masturbation actually... hmm

ATourchOfInsanity Fri 30-Nov-12 12:28:10

Yes, OP challenge DH as to how he finds the time.
Perhaps he could become a keen sprout peeler and tailer before Xmas smile
An ex once told me that to stop an erection/coming too soon, he used to think of Maggie Thatcher chopping carrots. Maybe doing the actual carrots will douse his desire and take away the time wanked away?

OneMoreChap Fri 30-Nov-12 12:59:16

No, not all men look at porn (me, I tend to read erotica, I'm, told)
No, most men wouldn't prefer to masturbate rather than have sex - many would do both.

Yes, some women do disapprove of masturbation, and think it disgusting.

Yes, sometimes your partner just doesn't want to have sex with you - whether that's because you have a porn habit, you're too demanding, you offer sex as a tip for good behaviour... you have no right to expect sex.

You have to deal with your relationship - and if you're unhappy with it - leave.

Apocalypto Fri 30-Nov-12 14:08:53

images of men shagging simply don't have the same appeal as an actual relationship and sex with someone you love.

When a bloke wanks over porn, he is having sex with someone he loves.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 30-Nov-12 14:11:26

'loves' really?..... Porn users invest actual love and affection in the images before them? hmm

Apocalypto Fri 30-Nov-12 14:24:14

Who's talking about the images?

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 30-Nov-12 14:27:21

Ohhhhhh......... <dead thick & slaps self on forehead blaming it on Friday emoticon>...... LOL!

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 30-Nov-12 14:29:41

For a minute there I thought you were going to tell me someone had put a wanker through a CAT scanner and discovered the areas of the brain activated by erotic images and vigorous masturbation were the same as the ones for being 'in love'! (Doctorate thesis going begging there...)

Apocalypto Fri 30-Nov-12 14:40:24

LOL!!

We laugh but in some cases you may be onto something there. If there were such a thing as porn featuring their own wives or girlfriends, made for them only and featuring nobody else (technology will find a way), I reckon most men would love love love it.

At that point it would not strictly speaking be porn of course.

It might very well light up the same areas as the lurve bug though.

sickofporn Fri 30-Nov-12 17:25:35

Onemorechap - as I said upthread if we never have sex again for a real reason such as his health I would live with that but I can't accept the reason I am not getting any is because of porn. And I don't think I have a right to expect sex. I do however think I have a right to honesty, a right to fidelity and a right to respect and consideration.

sickofporn Fri 30-Nov-12 17:28:28

Would love to read a thread by a man who can't get a look in 'cos his wife was always at The Dreamboys club with work colleagues, reading 50 shades at home with her rabbit while he does food shopping and hiding her online stash of Big Cocks whenever he walked into the room and pretending she was doing 'research' for work.

I would love to see a thread like this too! I wonder what sort of replies it would get?

ecclesvet Fri 30-Nov-12 19:30:04

There have been lots of threads where husbands have asked what they can do now they no longer have a sex life for whatever reason. They've usually been told that they have no right to sex, that no one has to have sex if they don't want to, to make more of an effort to reignite the spark, etc.

It's a bit rich that you think you have a right to respect, but you've asked for advice on how to set up filters on your husband's phone and computer. Where is his right to respect? Why does your right trump his?

Apocalypto Fri 30-Nov-12 19:32:04

Would love to read a thread by a man who can't get a look in 'cos his wife was always at The Dreamboys club

I would think there are plenty of sexually neglected husbands out there. What they're neglected in favour of is neither here nor there surely.

badinage Fri 30-Nov-12 20:12:05

Of course it matters why.

If it's because someone is getting their sex kicks elsewhere either through porn or someone else, it's a bit different to a low libido, an illness, exhaustion or some other reason.

sickofporn Fri 30-Nov-12 20:13:23

What badinage said. Thank you.

sickofporn Fri 30-Nov-12 20:15:24

It's a bit rich that you think you have a right to respect hmm

badinage Fri 30-Nov-12 20:22:14

There seem to be a lot of people on here who will excuse atrocious behaviour as long as a man's doing it.

Just don't fall into that trap yourself, just because you can't bring yourself to give him up.

ATourchOfInsanity Fri 30-Nov-12 20:25:27

So eccles thinks you need to woo him back for real sex
(imagines porn mags in your suspenders with him reading while you have to straddle and ride him as he flicks through mag) which might work, or the traditional candle lit dinner, which I imagine your DH would eat before going to his local PC...

Apoc seems to think the situation cannot be turned into an amusing parody for light hearted relief. No pun intended.

No hope for it OP.
Leave the bastard.

ecclesvet Fri 30-Nov-12 21:04:47

Not sure why you're hmm-ing that, OP: it's rich to talk about his lack of respect whilst simultaneously asking how you can install filters on his phone.

ATouch: no, I don't. I'm simply saying the kind of advice husbands got on similar threads, which the OP asked for.

ATourchOfInsanity Fri 30-Nov-12 21:18:16

So there are threads where the woman is porn obsessed for sex and ignores the man?
I missed them!

ATourchOfInsanity Fri 30-Nov-12 21:20:42

Point is eccles that OP deserves the basic respect of not having to compete with her husbands sexual attention. If he had respect for her he would at least try to stop. If she wasn't desperate she wouldn't feel the need to do it. No one on the thread has told her it is a good thing to do and I don't think she is now intending to do it.
Which just leaves him actually disrespecting her. Again and again.

AnyFuckingDude Fri 30-Nov-12 21:42:08

eccles has a bit of a history of telling women to eat shit, and suck it up

perhaps a spa day for Op will be in order, as payback, if she shuts the fuck up

ecclesvet Fri 30-Nov-12 21:43:19

I don't think that by watching porn he is disrespecting her. I think it is an irrational request that all but sets him up for failure. But I suppose people can choose their own dealbreakers, as odd as they may seem.

ecclesvet Fri 30-Nov-12 21:47:02

Anything other than 100% support for the DW, and 0% support for the DH, is of course telling her to eat shit and suck it up.

ATourchOfInsanity Fri 30-Nov-12 21:47:27

YOU may not see that him watching porn is disrespectful to his wife, but she does. That is what matters in their marriage and why she is trying to find a solution.

It's very sad that so many men can't see what damage porn can do to a relationship, especially as it has become so all pervasive.

AnyFuckingDude Fri 30-Nov-12 21:48:45

it's "irrational" is it, eccles ?

his need for porn overtaking her need for respect is rational then ?

< waits for nest of vipers jibe >

ecclesvet Fri 30-Nov-12 21:48:47

Her inferring disrespect does not necessarily mean that any disrespect exists.

ATourchOfInsanity Fri 30-Nov-12 21:50:05

And he hasn't requested it, he has been sneaking about and pretending he has stopped, until he gets caught when he becomes defensive and angry.

Why would anyone think that is a good way for anyone to conduct themselves over anything if it is so meaningless?

ATourchOfInsanity Fri 30-Nov-12 21:50:53

She feels it, not infers it.
She is living with her feelings of his lack of respect to her.

AnyFuckingDude Fri 30-Nov-12 21:52:16

he is respectful then ?

to prioritise his wish to watch porn over his wife's need to have him take her wishes into consideration ?

do you think people "need" porn ?

do you think some people's sexuality is nothing without it...that there are no alternatives that are equally exciting ?

or is porn the be-all and end-all for you too, eccles ?

ecclesvet Fri 30-Nov-12 21:59:52

I don't the couple, I've no idea if he is respectful or not. He seems to be, from what OP has posted.

His wish to watch porn needs to be taken into consideration, his wife shouldn't prioritise her wish for him not to watch porn - ooh, see how that switch works either way round? Neat!

No.

No.

No.

Is that the end of the interview? Did I get the job?

ATourchOfInsanity Fri 30-Nov-12 22:08:13

His wish is destroying their marriage. Her's isn't. Her's was part of their marriage vows. She is being mature and wanting real sex. He is being a child and wanting cheap tat.

If he carries on he will loose his family, lets hope he thinks it was worth it.

AnyFuckingDude Fri 30-Nov-12 22:13:19

You got the job.

ecclesvet Fri 30-Nov-12 22:19:00

We don't know what effect the porn is having on their marriage. OP mentions that they were having an unrelated row before this, so it sounds like it could be something else. She says that his side of it is that she is turning him down for sex, which she 'rebuts' with a rather vague 'my sex drive is higher than his'. Also, when she first "caught" him using porn, he had been using it for the previous 8 months with no effect on their marriage since it came as a complete shock to OP.

AnyFuckingDude Fri 30-Nov-12 22:19:52

is OP's assessment of her own marriage worthless ?

AnyFuckingDude Fri 30-Nov-12 22:20:40

eccles, just come right out with it

tell Op to embrace the porn and it will spice up her sex life

go on...you know you wanna

ecclesvet Fri 30-Nov-12 22:22:47

It isn't worthless, but it is one-sided.

You caught me, AnyFucker. I shan't rest until the world's population is forced to watch a 24 hour porn stream, Clockwork Orange style. hmm

AnyFuckingDude Fri 30-Nov-12 22:25:00

You are defending this man's right to do so, even though it is distressing his wife.

That is unkind.

I expect you think I am being unkind to this inadequate porn addict though. I mean, he can't help it, can he. It's an illness.

FastLoris Fri 30-Nov-12 22:33:15

Would love to read a thread by a man who can't get a look in 'cos his wife was always at The Dreamboys club with work colleagues, reading 50 shades at home with her rabbit while he does food shopping and hiding her online stash of Big Cocks whenever he walked into the room and pretending she was doing 'research' for work.

Not seen one yet.

Yep, that's because they don't exist.

Of course anyone looking openly and honestly at the hundredth or thousandth thread relating this same sorry tale about men, and reflecting on the fact that there are NEVER any such stories the other way around, would be forced to conclude that there was some deep and pervading difference between the sexes and how they experience sexual desire.

Or it could just be coincidence, of course...

ecclesvet Fri 30-Nov-12 22:33:55

It's unkind to give OP unconditional support thus fostering her delusion that this is anything other than normal. A man watched porn on his computer? And he's married?

Interestingly, there's currently a thread on AIBU right now about a husband who doesn't want his wife on a certain website. The responses are very different.

AnyFuckingDude Fri 30-Nov-12 22:36:58

eccles, it is very far from normal that a bloke prefers porn to sex with his wife

ecclesvet Fri 30-Nov-12 22:37:40

No one has said he prefers it.

AnyFuckingDude Fri 30-Nov-12 22:39:53

I have no sex life while DH seems prefers to prefer a wank over disgusting images.

from the OP

ATourchOfInsanity Fri 30-Nov-12 22:40:00

He is doing it rather than have sex with a wife who wants sex with him. Why would he do that if he didn't prefer it? The OP clearly isn't 'making' him, therefore he seems to prefer it.

ecclesvet Fri 30-Nov-12 22:42:33

She said he "seems to". Then she says he is saying she refuses him, and also that she no longer wants to have sex with him. And also that 5 years ago, he was easily maintaining both his marital sex life, and watching porn. So it would seem that he wants both.

ATourchOfInsanity Fri 30-Nov-12 22:47:29

Oh well that's OK then, he wants both so let's leave him to it despite how it hurts his wife hmm

AnyFuckingDude Fri 30-Nov-12 22:49:10

this is OP's thread

her inadequate husband can look for his own support in justifying his porn habit, despite it making his wife feel like shit

oh...

ecclesvet Fri 30-Nov-12 22:54:41

Her knowledge of it makes her feel like shit. Back when she didn't know about it, she was happy as larry. So this tells us that the issue is not due to any effect the porn has on her husband, but due to the effect it has on her. She can choose to deal with it (discussion with husband and/or counsellor), or not (break up with husband, date to find a man who doesn't tell her he will use porn).

badinage Fri 30-Nov-12 22:55:51

Or it could just be coincidence, of course...

It's no coincidence, but it's got fuck all to do with men and women's 'desires' being different.

What's different is the way men and women are raised in society, to think that men's sexual needs trump women's every time. Mystery of the Missing Threads solved in one.

AnyFuckingDude Fri 30-Nov-12 22:56:09

that ole gem ?

all men use porn

no, they don't...you've been fed a line yourself there

ATourchOfInsanity Fri 30-Nov-12 22:56:18

Ah yes, if a man lies about something it is not to protect his own ass but to preserve those around him. Of course!

TheShriekingHarpy Fri 30-Nov-12 23:19:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFuckingDude Fri 30-Nov-12 23:24:06

You haven't seen the current squirting thread then, TSH ?

badinage Fri 30-Nov-12 23:24:52

For the hundredth time this isn't about wanking.

It's about using porn, telling lies and expecting a woman to suck up the fact she's got a shit sex life as a result of it.

TheShriekingHarpy Fri 30-Nov-12 23:30:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFuckingDude Fri 30-Nov-12 23:32:51
sickofporn Sat 01-Dec-12 05:51:29

To clarify the scenario 5 years ago when I first discovered porn on my pc the sex situation was the same as it is now. We had been married and living together only 11 months and our sex life had dwindled and we only had sex at my initiation and I was more often rebuffed. I took it that his sex drive was lower than mine. He told me this was the case so I tried really hard to be happy with that.
When I discovered the porn and confronted him, he changed the story to that I had once refused him sex in the past few months. He argued that til he was blue in the face. He told me that he was just curious as the lads at work were talking about a free porn site so he joined up to have a look. I must admit I found it a bit odd that (mostly) partnered men would admit to one another that they were in fact a bunch of sad wankers.
My first reaction was to go into competition with the porn, and be more like the women he had been looking at. We were enjoying a lot of sex at my initiation every time until he told me that he did not want sex as often as me. He knew he had hurt me and promised that he would never look at porn again.
I believed him and have never checked up on him and I never will.
I was actually shocked by his admission on Tuesday night as I had only accused him of wanking to porn again because we were arguing about other selfish behaviour of his (a whole nuther thread) and I was feeling really sexually frustrated. This feels worse than the first time as I am thinking back to all the times during our marriage of the excuses why he wouldn't have sex with me and wondering how many lies I have been told. I just don't understand why sad How could he do this to me?

TheShriekingHarpy Sat 01-Dec-12 08:12:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

There are
(a) men who don't use porn and have regular sex with their partners; and
(b) men who DO use porn and have regular sex with their partners.

Likewise with men who don't have regular sex with their partners (c), (d).

I suggest there are very, very few men who actively prefer wanking off (with or without the use of porn) to having sex with their partners. While this may be true over very short periods (ie, the male necessity to "reload") this isn't a long term thing absent some extra reason, such as fatigue, health problems or discord.

I suggest that there are rather more men who use porn because they either aren't getting any sex or because they have a very unsatisfying sex life (caused by, perhaps, fatigue, health problems or marital discord).

I very much doubt that looking at Hustler Magazine stops men from having a sex life any more than Fifty Shades of Gray stops women from having a sex life. For the average man it is fantasy - just as erotic literature is - and not a simple replacement from the commonplace reality of sex with one's beloved.

I do very much believe that a man or woman who has an absolutely crap sex life will look for some sort of fulfilment somewhere else. For men that will, most commonly, be porn. Sorting out the sex life (for all we know the OP might have problems in bed that aren't her husband's fault) will stop the porn use unless we are dealing with man type (a).

"Would love to read a thread by a man who can't get a look in 'cos his wife was always at The Dreamboys club with work colleagues, reading 50 shades at home with her rabbit while he does food shopping and hiding her online stash of Big Cocks whenever he walked into the room and pretending.

Not seen one yet."

You won't see one, because a man who complained of such a faux male-fantasy would get no sympathy from other men, let alone women.

More obviously, why would you expect a man to complain on Mumsnet of all places?

Abitwobblynow Sun 02-Dec-12 07:34:09

Cogito gives the best advice of all: "It's not your responsibility to block porn. You are not your husband's conscience, his prison guard or his parent. The only person who can change your husband's behaviour is himself. If he has no intention of stopping with his habit, it is not your problem to resolve... it is his.

Place the responsibility very firmly on his shoulders, not yours. Set a severe consequence for failure and follow through."

Sorry, this is out of your control and you do not have a marriage. You are dealing with an addiction and you need to act accordingly. You are going to have to start thinking separation, sorry. Read Lundy Bancroft.

20092012 Sun 02-Dec-12 07:54:24

I'm having this same problem with my husband but like the majority of the people on here I would agree and say it isn't your job to block his Mobil computer etc as that would not mean he will stop watching it, in your eyes maybe buy then he will find other ways of watching it because when something has been taken off you you kind of want it more! I would personally not do that anyway I have told him exactly how I feel and the rest is down to him, if that's the kind of things his into it's the temptation of just clicking a few buttons now a days, what I'm trying to say is it's so easy to access and he needs know how you feel and trust himself not to watch it and also prove himself to you! I often think its probably my fault he watches it assume I'm not satisfying him enough but when you ask them anything about the topic I think they would rather not talk about it! Pricks! Lol

LaLaGabby Sun 02-Dec-12 08:49:56

I think the point several people are trying to make here is that looking at porn and not wanting to have sex are two separate things, unlike what the OP has suggested.

If your bottom line is that you don't want him to look at porn, you might find out that he still doesn't want to have sex with you. This is something that you might have to 'suck up', in the sense that you have right to demand honesty from your partner, but not the right to demand sex. Or you might have to try and solve that problem, separately from the porn issue.

On the other hand, if what you want is to have a sex life with your husband, you need to talk to him about this and decide what you are both going to do. 'Not watching porn' could be an ultimatum, but 'having sex again' is something that you need to be on the same side for. Even if one person is at fault, doesn't mean it's that person's problem to fix alone.

Of course, you might consider both of these to be lines in the sand. That's fair enough. But they still are separate (if related) issues and don't have one single solution.

sickofporn Sun 02-Dec-12 10:28:55

You have all given me a lot to think about. Maybe his excuses for not wanting sex with me were genuine, I'm sure they were many of the times. He told me last Wednesday he stop the porn. We are enjoying sex together again, we do not want to be without each other. I think he knows how much he hurt me when he admitted it on Tuesday night. And I don't want to be lied to anymore.
But I still want child filters to block porn from our home. My dh doesn't know this yet but I have been googling porn for the very first time blush and I am horrified the stuff that is available and at how easy it is for anyone to watch it. I'm considering asking my DH to install the child filter software at home to protect our dc, surely that is a reasonable thing to ask him to do?

20092012

Most people prefer not to talk about a thing when they know or suspect their comments aren't going to be taken seriously.

ATouchOfStuffing Sun 02-Dec-12 19:33:02

Toad I think you will find women take porn a lot more seriously than men. Women tend to consider the woman, her upbringing, the men's state of mind, control issues, power issues, safety issues, need issues and a whole lot more. Men just see body parts.

ecclesvet Sun 02-Dec-12 19:39:38

Got any source for that, ATouch?

ATouchOfStuffing Sun 02-Dec-12 19:46:09
ecclesvet Sun 02-Dec-12 20:06:10

That's not a source, that's an unsourced assertion by a website trying to sell filtering software. Do you have an actual source, from a journal/book/etc?

ATouchOfStuffing Sun 02-Dec-12 20:10:43

You don't think that the porn industry would have spent a bit of money finding out what women would like to see in porn?
Can you disprove the link?

ecclesvet Sun 02-Dec-12 20:22:45

1) When your argument ends up at "can you disprove it?", you're on shaky ground, and

2) your link doesn't say anything about the porn industry trying to find out what women liked in porn, just that there was a conference in 1998, which is true.

Abitwobblynow Sun 02-Dec-12 22:58:30

I know someone whose H was addicted to porn. The thing about porn is that it is very addictive, and it burns out the pleasure centre part of the brain. Also because it objectifies women he gets further and further 'away'.

He can no longer get erections, IN HIS THIRTIES. He stopped wanting proper sex (and even then it was all acting out stuff, not proper intimacy, she would have to get tied up etc) years before.

It was meeting that couple (who are now divorced), which opened my eyes to porn not being 'harmless' etc.

OP, put your foot down and instill serious consequences, like separation, him losing his family, him having to join an addiction group. Save your H with your own strength, seriously.

sickofporn Mon 03-Dec-12 03:20:11

Thanks all. I need to have a good talk with him as this is a huge weight on me and I have not had a night's sleep for the 6th night now. I am going to ask for honesty but I am now terrified of what I will learn about him. I'm scared I won't believe him or trust him anymore. We are bonding physically now and that is a start smile but I remember we have been here before. There have been so many lies and I know I can't live with being treated like a fool for the rest of my life.

ATouchOfStuffing

By the same token, one could say "Women just see shoes and handbags" rather than the exploited and sweated labour that produce them.

But that, like your comment, would be rendered worthless by its gross oversimplification.

sickofporn

I hope things will work out for you both. I hope you will consider some kind of counselling which will deal with the (separate, but related) lack-of-sex issue: if you are members of a church you can get these things (which might have the effect of scaring the bejeezus out of your husband) for free.

Charbon Mon 03-Dec-12 12:50:14

I don't think resuming your sex life will make an iota of difference in the long term. As you say, this has happened before and your partner continued to use porn and lie to you about it. Given his responses to you last week about all men using porn (they do not) it's very unlikely he's going to stop and so any promises to the contrary are likely to be lies again.

I'd focus on you and not him.

You've said that the sex is never going to be good while he's using porn, so don't confuse quantity with quality. Just because you're having sex now doesn't necessarily mean that it's good sex and you know what the difference is.

So really it's decision time. Like I said in my other post, you either decide that this is your lot and you put up with it, or you decide that you want something different for yourself and your children. Don't think for one minute that someone different is unavailable. Contrary to what he's told you, there are lots of men who don't use porn and their sexual performance is therefore unthreatened by it.

Faced with the loss of his private relationship versus the loss of his cyber one with porn, your partner might well make changes. But he won't if he thinks that he can lie repeatedly to you, deprive you of a satisfying sex life and still you'll stay with him.

There will be absolutely no incentive to change.

sickofporn Tue 04-Dec-12 13:38:50

Can a man give up porn if his marriage depends on it? Has anyone known someone go from regular porn to no porn ever again? Is it possible he could miss porn in his life more than he would miss me and the DC?

I have told him I cannot live with porn in my life and I will be unable to live with him anymore if he cannot be trustworthy and respect me on this.

He denies that he has been disrespecting me by using porn, he said it's just a means to get off that is all. He denies ever lying to me too. He says he just didn't tell me stuff and that is not lying. hmm

He says he wants to work at our marriage. I am not sure at this moment that he is prepared to work hard enough. And he expects me to take everything at his word from now on! hmm

He has agreed to child filters at home to protect the DC from being fucked up by porn too.

ATouchOfStuffing Tue 04-Dec-12 13:52:58

Oh I hate that lying by omission bollocks. Not telling someone something you know they would want to know is just the same as lying. I had an ex that used to say, 'ah, but you didn't ask about that specific day...' etc etc. The criteria you had to fulfill to get an honest answer was akin to Mensa. Basically if I had known the answer I wouldn't have asked the question but I couldn't possibly know the question, which was his win-win. Don't entertain that idea, you will always feel you simply haven't asked the right thing and get more and more embroiled in figuring it out...

Ultimately it is a cheap quick fix he is after with porn. He wants relief ASAP and isn't patient enough to wait or whatever his justification is to himself. It is degrading for you when you are, presumably as you say, wanting sex and the one person who can give it to you is choosing to lie and use other women's bodies to satisfy his need and not yours. Considering he has already done this to you before and lied, I am not convinced, and think you should be wary of taking him at his word. He will know how to get around the security set up at home IMO.

Charbon Tue 04-Dec-12 14:11:31

Yes I've met several men who've given up porn, but with very different reasons for doing so.

Some give it up because they are aware it's having an effect on their real lives, especially their sexual responses i.e an inability to orgasm through sex with a partner, erectile dysfunction; so the motive is self-protection.

Some give it up because their use of it is upsetting a partner and what was only an occasional habit isn't worth that; so the motive is partly self-protection to maintain a relationship that's important to them and partly care and love for a partner's feelings.

Some give it up because they start to find out about the porn industry and what happens within it. Once they start humanising the women who are abused in porn, they find it impossible to view it through the same lens as hitherto. So their motives are humanitarian and political.

It doesn't sound like your partner wants to give up porn or sees it as a problem. He also doesn't understand the concept of telling lies by omission. He seems to be saying it's no big deal and that you should get over yourself.

I'd have more respect for his stance if he told you directly that he doesn't see a problem with it and will continue to use porn. Instead it sounds like he's lying to you and has no intention of changing. He'll just hide it better to avoid a row. While he's got an absolute right to do what he wants, he hasn't got the right to lie to you about that.

What do you honestly think? Do you think he'll give up porn full stop?

sickofporn Tue 04-Dec-12 14:32:28

Despite what he says I believe he knows that porn is a big deal otherwise he wouldn't have tried so hard to keep it from my knowledge all these years. He is only trying to minimise it now because I found out about it.

As for him saying he has never disrespected me, that's just words and bullshit - his actions have disrespected me and violated the intimacy of our relationship.

I believe him that he wants to stop purely because he wants to stay married to me. I am sure he must know that a lifetime with me and sex is better than without me and wanking over porn to his heart's content.

Charbon Tue 04-Dec-12 14:39:36

I don't get the sense that he thinks porn is a big deal at all. I sense he thinks having rows about it and grief is a big deal, hence he lies about it. Self protection.

ATouchOfStuffing Tue 04-Dec-12 14:43:00

Yes, he does sound as if he knows it is a big deal for you. I hope he does the maths and realises that lying to you again will be the nail in the coffin. If you are going to try trusting him again, it won't hurt to point this out clearly.

I agree with Charbon though that the lying is the problem here. He has a choice but you need to be clear what that choice is so that he can't change the boundaries (i.e but you didn't want sex that time so I thought it was OK) - make it clear and the rest is up to him.

sickofporn Wed 05-Dec-12 05:00:20

Thanks mnetters for your wonderful advice and support. It has really helped me to stay sane and focused. This isn't the sort of thing I can talk to anyone in RL about.

We have talked and rowed about this and I think he knows where he stands now but time will tell.

We are setting up open dns filters to protect every device in our home from porn. If DH gets bored of amazing real sex and ever wanted to indulge in porn again he would only have to go into my email to get the password. My accounts for everything (including mn) are always open and he knows how to get into my iPad which I leave at home when I am at work til late.

The original row we were having remains unresolved. But I am too shattered to argue anymore. No doubt it will rear it's ugly head again in the next few weeks so I may be back under my usual name.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 05-Dec-12 09:47:36

Good luck OP.

Have to say though I notice how realistic you seem about his ability to give up porn - remember that the only thing that will motivate him at this stage is loss and he is still not really experiencing this isn't he?

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