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I am really crap at arguing but dh just lost it for no reason and I dont know how to respond.

(47 Posts)

Dh has always been a bit grumpy being woken at night, luckily (for him) since I breastfeed it is rare that I bother waking him as i am normally awake anyway since i am a bad sleeper and theres not much he cam do even if he is awake.

I should put here that he is fantastic in the day, i get to go have naps at will, he is self employed and take the children to school so i can relax in the mornings when he can etc etc. he also is generally quite kind, gentle etc. We rarely argue and he rarely loses his temper about anything - apart from as i say being woken. Generally he just has a moan and get on though.

Tonight dd(3) woke up at the same time as i was feeidng the baby so i asked dh to go and put her to bed, he has his normal moan and gets up but dd plays up amd wont go back in her room so all of a sudden out of the blue and as i say totally out of character, he just explodes not really at her but around her picks her up dumps her on the bed then rips the stair gate off the wall and throws it across the hall. He then goes downstairs and i beleive is now lyign on the couch although i havent bothered to go see.

I have NO idea what brought it on, we work together in our business so i KNOW things are going well at work. I kmow of no other stresses on him other that being a fucking idiot when it comes to waking up.

I feel like i have to respond heavily to is he has really lost it, was rough with our dd and broken the gate etc. im just not sure how. At the moment im thinking of just telling him to get out in the morning.

Tis probably sounds really confused but well i am as i say an hour ago we were sleeping peacefully amd happy i still dont really know what happened...

LargeLatte Wed 28-Nov-12 03:59:36

That sounds very frightening for you and your dd. I agree he needs to know that was totally not on, but I suspect he is already feeling a bit of a plank for his outburst. Maybe there is something else on his mind. Can you wait and talk it over when the kids are in school? Was your dd upset?

KeatsiePie Wed 28-Nov-12 04:06:42

How stressful to have that happen out of nowhere. I agree with LargeLatte -- imagine he is sulking b/c he feels guilty plus still bothered by whatever is bothering him. I think I'd wait till morning to ask about it too, you need a good night's sleep whether he gets one or not. If it's something serious you're both better off dealing with it in daylight when you've had some rest and he's had some time to pull it together. Hope you can sleep.

Thanks sad

Large - Perhaps there is something on his mind but if there is he has hidden it really well he seemed fine all day! He seems to be asleep now I can hear him snoring on the couch which is making me that annoyed I had to shut the bedroom door so I couldn't hear him. I hope his he behaved is weighing on his mind but tbh it doesn't se to be angry
I would say dd was more bewildered. She just sort of got into bed and waited for me to fix the gate. Younger dd (2) was upset she just kept saying "daddy did it" but she's all tucked up asleep now

The older ones somehow managed to sleep through the whole thing
hmm

Keatsie - I'm going to try and get a few hours but I've got myself in a tizzy about it now and I'm not feeling confident!

KeatsiePie Wed 28-Nov-12 04:23:39

Ha, sorry, how unfair that he's sleeping now and you're not. I once woke my husband up b/c I felt that he had started the fight and ought to have stayed awake to finish it, but that was not my finest moment, can't recommend it. Still I remember how maddening it was. Still I hope you can manage it. And if not he'll owe you tomorrow.

PlantsDieArid Wed 28-Nov-12 04:54:53

Nothing more annoying than hearing someone snore instead if begging forgiveness!

Not much to add other than I hope you get to the bottom of it and that the dcs aren't too freaked out.

A stairgate, wow! My gentle giant of a DH lost it once when ours were tiny and broke his toe kicking a wall waiting for the milk to warm in the middle of the night. He felt like a right arse and I had a right ols smug face on being, for the first and last time, the calm and rational parent...

Thinking of you and hope it all works out.

Lueji Wed 28-Nov-12 05:47:12

I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that such outbursts will not happen again or he can walk right through the door if he does it again.

Not so much the losing patience and picking up and putting on the bed. Sometimes we are too soft, and it works a treat to know that they really have to go back to bed and we tolerate no nonsense.

But the stair gate is too frightening and it destroys property at home. Plus he left you to sort it out and reassure the children. sad Not good at all.

ErikNorseman Wed 28-Nov-12 07:16:55

Disgusting behaviour. Really vile.

HairyGrotter Wed 28-Nov-12 07:20:54

I hope he apologises profusely for this, and makes it up to you and learns to control his temper.

However, I can kinda empathise. I am TERRIBLE when woken, I am a lone parent and I have had outbursts of grumpiness when I'm woken in the night by DD, she has never been dealt the brunt of it because I control it, but before having her, I could go proper mental because I couldn't control the rage of tiredness. Some are more affected by tiredness, mine has lessened as I have gotten used to not having as much sleep or my sleep being broken, however, it took having a baby to do that!

He really needs to apologies, and I hope this doesn't happen again.

AnyFuckingDude Wed 28-Nov-12 07:40:37

Violent temper tantrums are not really a sign of being grumpy when woken, they are the sign of a violent person.

HairyGrotter Wed 28-Nov-12 07:47:55

I think if it's a regular thing, yes. However, the OP has said this was out of character. Benefit of the doubt and all that, but his behaviour needs to be approached and discussed rationally. If it were to happen again, I'd consider removing him from the home.

babyhammock Wed 28-Nov-12 07:48:42

I'd see how he is when he wakes up. If he is beside himself as he should be! and apologises profusely etc etc that's one thing. But if he tries to brush it off, belittle it or blame anyone/anything else then I think you have a serious issue here.
Sorry that happened. Sounds awful sad

Chandon Wed 28-Nov-12 08:03:11

I once thrashed a chair in a fit of rage.

At the time, I was under sever pressure and had panic attacks, just gotten through the worst of PND, and somehow I ( literally) lost the plot.

I am not violent at all, and I am still a bit scared about what came over me...

I really hope your H will be remorseful and embarrassed tomorrow ( i am still mortified at my behaviour 4 years on) as that would show it WAS out of character.

Fairenuff Wed 28-Nov-12 08:09:15

Firstly, he will just have to accept that, as a parent, he does not have the right to sleep through the night so he needs to get over it. Many, many of us are extremely grumpy to wake in the night but he just needs to get over it and man up. What if he were alone with the children? What if he were a single a parent? He would have to cope and he would! He only grumps because he knows it will get him out of doing it.

His outburst was aggressive and violent. He should seek anger management. He can get his GP to refer him for cbt. If he doesn't do this then he is sending the message that it's not that important to him. See what he does and then you can decide your next step.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 28-Nov-12 08:18:41

I'm going to leave to one side the moral rights and wrongs of such an outburst for a moment and ask you what this man's health and lifestyle are like. Would you say he is in good shape regarding exercise, alcohol consumption, diet, body-weight, smoking habits etc.? Mood-swings, stress and behavioural problems including being excessively 'grumpy in the morning' can be symptomatic of poor health, poor diet, poor sleep quality (you mention snoring already) and so on. Whilst I'm not offering this as an excuse and whilst I think you should give him a very hard time indeed about his general attitude and specifically the violent outburst, I'd also suggest he visits a GP for a full physical check-up.

Startail Wed 28-Nov-12 08:19:40

Our stair gate suffered this fate too.
I can't for the life of me remember why DH booted it.

I know it had a far stronger homemade wall bracket ever after.

Young children and lack of sleep are very stressful. Got to DH more than I realised at the time.

Also I think the whole fact that men still take the view in their heart of hearts that they need to protect and fund their family and that the whole thing is their ultimate responsibility is quietly stressful.

OP you need to sit down and talk quietly to your DH and see if there is anything specific, as this was so out of character, but I wouldn't be surprised if it isn't just having DCs is hard work.

fluffyraggies Wed 28-Nov-12 08:26:59

I would echo that startail.

There may be something on his mind but i think it is more likely a combination of young family/woken in the night/general stress.

FWIW my temper is a bit flare upy. Its better now i'm older but in my 20s i injured myself a good few times because of it. The worst was when i kicked our large plastic kitchen swing bin out through the back door. All the time sweraing and cursing like a good'en. It bounced and came back at me so i kicked it again so hard my foot went through it and i needed stitches blush

I have never and would never ever be violent to a person or an animal though. Inanimate objects get the brunt of it for me.

Sit down with your DH, OP, and have a chat about how his outburst made you feel last night and what he thought bought it on.

Ok the morning hasn't really gone as expected. He is apparently "angry" still and not speaking to me hmm just sitting on the couch sending work emails on his phone.

Not entirely sure what's going on here but my normally sunny demeanour is starting to wear down....

Katisha Wed 28-Nov-12 10:13:46

Sod the sunny demeanor. Ask him to explain himself.

aprilrain Wed 28-Nov-12 10:17:06

Have you asked him to explain why he is angry?

Iggly Wed 28-Nov-12 10:21:03

Ask him what he is angry about. If he doesn't respond, don't get sucked in to an argument, tell him you would like to speak when he's calm and just carry on with your day. When he grows up snaps out of it, ask him again.

I have asked him and he won't talk to me. All he says is that dd should have gone to her room. I have no idea wtf is going on tbh.

Iggly Wed 28-Nov-12 10:23:28

Leave him and say that you'll want to talk later. Don't give him the attention, he's acting like a child.

I think I'm going to tidy up a bit then take the babies to the park. It will be interesting to see what he says to MIL as she visits on a Wednesday! He's normally at the office not siting in a ball of seething hatred in the corner.

ThatDudeSanta Wed 28-Nov-12 10:31:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lueji Wed 28-Nov-12 10:44:13

He's blaming a 3 yo and his wife for acting stupid?

hmm

Sod sunny disposition indeed.

OxfordBags Wed 28-Nov-12 10:44:35

DD is a toddler, she can't control her actions and impulses. Wanting Mummy in the night is entirely natural.
OH is an adult who can fully control his actions and impulses. Breaking stair rails, losing the plot and then sulking and blaming his small child is entirely unnatural.

He's behaving disgracefully. Boohoo that she interrupted his sleep - he has several children, this can hardly be a surprise to him. Saying she should've gone back to bed about a toddler is like moaning that the sun should shine when it's raining; you don't sulk and whine like a bitch about what should be, you deal calmly and maturely with the actual reality of what you're dealing with.

The other night, I got less than one hour's sleep with my very poorly DS waking incessently and being ill, sick, etc. Did I throw a wobbly? No. I bloody felt like I was going to become some sort of sleep-deprived serial killer, but I remained outwardly calm and gentle because I am the adult.

His attitude this morning is really disgusting, OP. you must ensure that your little DD is NOT made to take the blame for his behaviour. 100% of blame lies with him.

purrpurr Wed 28-Nov-12 10:51:50

Sounds like he could do with a massive reality check. Potentially in the form of moving into a B&B until he isn't angry anymore. The risk otherwise is that you may feel the need to try to explain yourself/explain DD. You only need to do it once and you've sealed the deal - he gets to break things and you apologise.

The fact that he still believes he has a right to be angry is a massive red flag.

coppertop Wed 28-Nov-12 10:52:55

Whether this was intentional, brought on by a medical issue, or the little green pixies made him do it, your dh needs to take responsibility for his actions.

Blaming a 3yr-old is the equivalent of "He/she made me do it!" Extremely childish and not an excuse I would tolerate from an adult.

I'd be interested to know what punishment he would think appropriate if one of the children had deliberately damaged the stairgate.

ShamyFarrahCooper Wed 28-Nov-12 11:10:39

OP I hope you are away out and having a lovely time. Leave him to have his pathetic strop and just ignore his childish behaviour until such time as he will start a conversation. Then I would give him (calmly) full flow on why his outburst is not acceptable.

dequoisagitil Wed 28-Nov-12 11:13:02

What a frightening outburst, and in front of your toddlers sad.

And he has the cheek to be angry still this morning? What, punishing you for the audacity of expecting a little bit of help with the dc? Blaming your 3 yr old for being a 3 yr old?

I bet you'd now think twice about asking him for help at night - and maybe even any of the time - thus lazy angry bastarding will prove to be a satisfactory behaviour from his point of view.

Take this very seriously. Tbh I'd be thinking he should leave at least temporarily. No matter how tired you are, you don't throw things around and scare your dc or partner.

Well if it was me I would be packing his bag and he can go home with MIL until he can behave like an adult.

He is the only one at fault here and he needs to be shown that his behaviour is not in anyway acceptable.

Kirk1 Wed 28-Nov-12 11:24:07

I would be telling him in no uncertain terms that he needs to apologise. Rip the phone out of his hands. Show him how bloody furious you are for his childish behaviour. He doesn't get to "not talk to you" over this. I would also be telling him to fix the gate properly and any other damage caused by his toddler tantrum. Do use those words, he needs to know he was is acting like your 2yo.

SummerRain Wed 28-Nov-12 11:25:28

How weird confused

Is there any history of dementia or alzheimer's in his family? One of our first signs with my grandmother was bizarre moods and odd behaviour. It was years before it progressed to more typical alzheimer's symptoms.

If this is as out of character as you say (and both dp and I are grumpy wakers so I do understand that, but we're always ok the next day) I would seriously consider the possibility that something medical is amiss.

ClippedPhoenix Wed 28-Nov-12 13:38:39

I'd do what wheredidiputit has suggested.

This needs nipping in the bud right now.

Charbon Wed 28-Nov-12 14:04:42

Have you noticed any other changed behaviour in recent times? Anything that you were putting down to other issues e.g. stress, health worries, tiredness?

How about you? Have you been feeling that you're as connected as a couple as you used to be?

OxfordBags - I just cant tell who he blames tbh he said this morning "she should have gone to bed" and yet he seems perfectly normal and lovely towards the children so he doesnt seem to be feeling any sort of blame towards them - just me. He normally moans about getting up but he does it and doesnt get angry about it if you see what I mean, its low level pissing and moaning but thats it.

I havent had alot of sleep lately as the youngest dd (9 months) has a chest infection and so seems to need feeding about every hour at night as she is totally off her food in the day, so I normally have little sympathy for his moaning about lack of sleep.

purrpurr - I have no intention of apologising, even if I did I dont think thats his problem, it seems to be about something totally different perhaps not even to do with me but since he wont talk to me and Im not going to sit around begging him I just dont know.

coppertop - If one of the kids had done what he did I cant imagine him being too pleased! I dont actually know what the punishment would be as nothing like that has ever happend!

He suffered from depression a number of years ago but tbh there has been no hint of that at all for years, things seemed fine it seems odd that if it was anything liek that it would just appear from nowhere? as I say thought it really is out of character he is normally not like this. I actually cant remember the last time I actually felt upset by anything he had done.

SummerRain - I havent noticed any problems at all, this time yesterday we were working on a project everything fine. Last night we went to bed friendly no problems. I dont think there is any history of dementia etc but he is only 29 - would this be too early for this sort of issue?

Charbon - I havent noticed any problem with our relationship at all, in fact I would say that we have been very happy recently. Our business is going well, we both enjoy the children generally, we were planning for christmas and we have finally saved enough etc to put down a deposit on a house which dh seems very excited about. Our relationship with each other seemed ok until last night/today unless I have seriously misjudged.

I am going to try and talk to him tonight when the children are in bed. Now the whole thing has died down a little I really am starting to feel like there is something behind this rather than him just losing his temper - he normally has veyr good control over his temper especially around the children so I just think it is too odd that he suddenly lost it and it is ever stranger that he continues to be like it today. there is SOMETHING I dont know/havent realised - there must be.

KeatsiePie Wed 28-Nov-12 15:31:24

It does sound like this business of "she should have gone to bed" is not what's really going on at all. Actually I bet he is refusing to elaborate on that statement b/c he wouldn't be able to justify being mad about it to that degree, so he would then have to admit that he was being ridiculous, which means then you would say, "Right, so, wtf is really going on with you?" and then he would have to tell you the real answer. Since he is normally a lovely person it must be that he's been worrying about something. He may even be hoping on some level that you will drag it out of him so he doesn't have to be silently worried by himself anymore. I hope it helps to talk it out, good luck.

amillionyears Wed 28-Nov-12 15:42:36

I think he knows he did the wrong behaviour
And I think he knows he lost control.

He probably doesnt like the above 2 things, and has gone on the defensive.

My exh did something similar he then sulked for two days making out it was all my fault. He knew he was in the wrong.

Whocansay Wed 28-Nov-12 16:21:10

Has he even apologised to the children? They must have been terrified! If he needs help for whatever reason, he must get it, but he should be under no illusion that what he did was wrong and he needs to reassure his children.

HairyGrotter Wed 28-Nov-12 17:55:05

I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt this morning, when I first read this, however, his behaviour today is appalling, he needs to grow up, accept his outburst was unreasonable and out of order!!

Do NOT let him blame you, the child, or anything else. He needs to accept responsibility for his actions. What a douche.

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Wed 28-Nov-12 18:11:50

Tell him that he either explains himself and apologises or he can leave the house until he's ready to do so, because you will not have the children exposed to any further tantrums like this.
And if he responds aggressively again, call the police and ask them to come and remove him.

Honestly, you have to put your foot down very firmly with a tantrumming man who has displayed aggression. Because if you grovel and placate and forgive him, it will happen again, only worse.

Corygal Wed 28-Nov-12 18:28:59

Something is up. He may have scared himself and be angry with himself. I think you both need time to have a quiet chat in the next 24 hours. After he's fixed the stairgate. Let him talk and tell you what the problem is first.

Don't let him think it was OK, but don't make it worse by diving in & having a go before he's said his piece.

MrsTomHardy Wed 28-Nov-12 19:07:12

Hope you get to the bottom of it OP

AnyFuckingDude Wed 28-Nov-12 20:45:56

He's said his piece though, hasn't he ?

He blamed a child for his aggression and expected Op to act normally again, just because he did

that's not good

Fairenuff Thu 29-Nov-12 08:16:19

He thinks if he ignores it it will all blow over. And he might be right. It depends op. Are you determined to make him face up to this or is it just not worth the effort?

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