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What would you think if your DP said this about his ex-wife?

(52 Posts)
AlexFromDivision Tue 27-Nov-12 14:46:34

You're a few months into the relationship, a bit of talk about the future creeping in but then - in the car one night he says "I suppose I just have to accept that life is not how I'd planned it, I have to accept that I'm not getting back with her and I won't see my kids as much as I did"

Would you think that deep down, he wanted to get back with her??

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 27-Nov-12 14:50:46

I would think it was a bloody stupid & insensitive thing to say to a new girlfriend!!! I would feel that he'd settled for me as very much second choice and I'd be furious. Glad you've only been with him a few months because it won't hurt so much when you dump him..

CajaDeLaMemoria Tue 27-Nov-12 14:51:19

It's not even deep down.

He has just admitted that he will have to get over not being with her. Which means he wants to be with her, consciously, and has not yet started getting over her.

If he just came out with that, perhaps he thought you knew that this wasn't serious? That it was just filling the time? Or perhaps that was his way of letting you know.

Regardless, not seeing his children as much is an understandable thing to have to come to terms with. If he hasn't yet come to terms with being separated, he shouldn't be leading anyone else on.

meditrina Tue 27-Nov-12 14:51:21

Possibly. It does suggest that he is not fully over the relationship (which in itself raises questions about how he truly sees his relationship with you).

But without context it's not easy to tell whether this is a straightforward manifestation of regret for what is irrecoverably lost, or if it is an oblique statement of hope: possibly centred on her, or possibly about an intact family life, reputation etc.

What were the circumstances of their break up?

AlexFromDivision Tue 27-Nov-12 14:52:02

Yes that's exactly how I took it. 2nd choice. Gutted to be honest, made me feel like shit but didn't know if I was over-reacting.

AlexFromDivision Tue 27-Nov-12 14:53:49

They were together 18 years. They just stopped getting on apparantly and she asked him to go to relate with her, he didn't think she was being serious so didn't go and then the next thing is she asks for a divorce.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 27-Nov-12 14:55:06

Show this one the door. He's damaged goods, he'll always think of her as the one that got away and you'll suffer as a consequence.

scarletforya Tue 27-Nov-12 15:03:17

Oh, that's not good, especially she asked him to go to relate with her, he didn't think she was being serious so didn't go -so he took her for granted and didn't listen to her......I wouldn't like that because that will be your future with him too.

Also, obviously he isn't very emotionally intelligent, not just that he seems to be on the rebound but that the stupid idiot admitted to you that you are just the booby prize. Seems a bit dozy and a lot selfish.

ATourchOfInsanity Tue 27-Nov-12 15:04:24

What Cognito said.
Part of my story sounds similar. My ex was furious when I ended up telling his ex I was pg. She had no idea and I overheard him Skyping her (from my house!) to say there was nothing in this country for him and he still loved her. She knew he was with me, and sounded awkward at the time. In my pg haze I thought she had a right to know and told her via email that despite what he had said, I was actually pg and he had just made it clear what he thought of our situation which he had told me he was "so happy" in.
Needless to say she knew him well enough to drop all contact with him, whilst informing me he is the most selfish man she had ever met. She said he was stringing us both along, which was true. However, me being pg gave him many more chances with a range of issues. The crux of it is that he never ever got over me telling the truth to his ex. Now he refuses to see or pay for his DD but he still finds time to send texts to me about how I have lost him friends (her and her family) and ruined his life. He probably did want to get back with her, but he wasn't going about it in a realistic/nice way.
Sounds as though you need an honest chat with this man and see what else he drops into the conversation. I think you know in your heart what he is feeling, but like me, are being a bit blind to the truth.

ATourchOfInsanity Tue 27-Nov-12 15:07:02

And huge alarm bells about the relate thing. He clearly is not very good at understanding when he has hurt someone very badly - his ex wife and now you...

izzyizin Tue 27-Nov-12 15:24:11

He's an insensitive self-entitled twat, isn't he? Probably always has been and always will be. Oh well, his loss and your gain when you dump him which I trust will be without further ado.

AlexFromDivision Tue 27-Nov-12 16:41:16

He's said a few things like this though to be honest. Things like "I want to move in with you, I mean, it's not like I'm going to get back with her, is it?" (sounds like he'd prefer it that way though right!) and "I don't love her. I miss her - I mean, I miss the times we had" - yeah thanks, I really like knowing that.
And when his sister asked if he had a new girlfriend he apparantly said "well I'm not getting back with her am I so I may as well move on".

And talking with his mate that he hadn't seen for a while "did you hear I'd got divorced? yeah shit isn't it "

Verbal Diarrhea is what they call it I think. But then he insists he doesn't want her back.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 27-Nov-12 16:48:28

He may insist he doesn't want her back but his statements aren't exactly enthusing about the future or filling you with confidence, are they? 'Might as well move on'.... Might as well??? hmm Hardly a ringing endorsement! Imagine if an advert for a new car went ....

For people who would love a Mercedes but can't afford one because their life is totally shit and unsuccessful. Might as well have a Vauxhall Corsa. Kerching!!!

This guy puts the 'ass' in 'crass'.

AlexFromDivision Tue 27-Nov-12 16:51:21

LOL Cog - I would love to see an advert like that grin

but joking aside it does get me down. My confidence is low enough without this.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 27-Nov-12 16:51:25

""I want to move in with you, I mean, it's not like I'm going to get back with her, is it?"

Means... 'you'll do at a pinch'.... 'I haven't got any better offers on the table'.... 'I'm a totally insensitive wanker but you don't seem to have noticed yet'.... (I made the last one up but it's accurate, trust me)

My goodness, he is a twat.

EugenesAxe Tue 27-Nov-12 16:52:27

Um... yeah, I would think he still held a flame for her. Reading the follow ups it really does sound more and more like he considers you sloppy seconds. Men and women alike deserve to be rugby-players'-arse-hard first in their partner's eyes.

If you are really only a few months into your relationship I'd get out. You will get some good relationship karma from having suffered this, and therefore will probably meet a brilliant bloke in due course.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 27-Nov-12 16:53:55

I know your confidence is low, don't worry. Best way to get your confidence up ... listen to your Auntie Cog.... is to stand up to this guy and tell him as unambiguously as you can summon that he is dumped. "I can do better than you"... "I am not your fall-back".... "I am no-one's also-ran"....

It's not easy but once you've done it, you've you've said 'you are not good enough for me', the feeling is quite intoxicating

pictish Tue 27-Nov-12 16:54:23

Oh God almighty! He is not over his split - no way.

That's far too shabby for you OP. Faaar too shabby!

colditz Tue 27-Nov-12 16:57:15

I'd dump him if I were you, you're supposed to be the glittering chest of treasure, not the booby prize!

InfiniteFairylights Tue 27-Nov-12 17:01:21

Run for the hills. Work on your confidence before you start dating again, because blokes like him recognise the low confidence and take advantage of it. Spend time being single, get over the 'being with any man is better than being single' frame of mind and only then will you find a man worth being with. You deserve better.

Jux Tue 27-Nov-12 17:17:02

You can find someone better, honestly you can.

He, on the other hand, isn't up to licking your boots.

Are you his first gf after the split? I went out with a guy for whom I was the first after his split. He actually said, when asking me out, "the first relationship after separation is never permanent, so why not?" (In fairness to him, he knew I wasn't after anything permanent either. Still a bit rude of him grin)

aleene Tue 27-Nov-12 17:27:13

My Dp was married for a long time. But he says nice things to me, like 'Where have you been all my life?' (grin yes cheesy, but its the sentiment that counts) and 'why didn't we meet twenty years ago?'
If he made me feel like second best I would be off like a shot. Leave him Op and finds someone who cherishes you.

LillianGish Tue 27-Nov-12 17:34:11

Hard to judge accurately on the basis is of what you've told us, but I'd say it is an entirely normal reaction from someone coming out of an 18 year relationship. 18 years!! I'd be astonished frankly if he didn't feel like that. I think he's just being honest. The fact is after all that time you are second choice - whatever he says. It doesn't sound from what you have said that there is any chance of him getting back with her. I personally would be more concerned about why his marriage broke down in the first place. It's never straightforward getting involved with someone with that much baggage, but when you get a certain point in your life (I have no idea how old you are or what your personal circumstances are) it can be hard to find someone with no baggage. Indeed sometimes someone with no baggage, after a certain age, can be a worse bet. Sorry not very helpful. How do you feel about him in other respects?

Lavenderhoney Tue 27-Nov-12 17:37:15

His pillow talk needs some work! Still, it doesn't have to be you. He needs some some alone and so do you, to meet someone who is estatic to have found you and you them.
He can get on with it- I'm guessing he wants Christmas with his dc and you sure won't be invited - she might take him back. Make plans, and find someone as nice as you, as you sound way to good for him.

What would I think?

I'd think "bye bye twat" and then I'd say it out loud.

Be no-one's second prize OP, ever.

meditrina Tue 27-Nov-12 17:55:14

I don't think he misses her actually. I think he misses the home comforts she's realised are totally wasted on him.

LemonDrizzled Tue 27-Nov-12 22:51:12

Alex my DP has been divorced six months now after his wife left him 3 years ago. He frequently thanks God she left him so he was free to meet me because he thinks I am so fabulous (which of course I am!!) grin

That is what you deserve! I would be giving him a harsh talking to about his insensitivity and his inability to see how bloody lucky he is to be with you. History repeating itself from the sound of it.

homeofhelp Tue 27-Nov-12 23:02:24

i broke up with my ex .I have met someone new i say if my ex hadnt treated me so bad i would never have got with my current partner my partner is amazing in every way. but it sounds like your partner cant let go. i think he has moved on too quickly sorry to tell you.

porridgelover Tue 27-Nov-12 23:02:52

Oh dear lord OP. Get out of this relationship and put the effort into you for a while. Your confidence is low enough ....thats probably why he went for you.
He's not there to buoy you up, which he should do, he's there to sit on your shoulders so he can feel as high as everyone else.

Chuck and start over, with the next guy believing that he is lucky to breathe the same air as you.

OpheliaPayneAgain Tue 27-Nov-12 23:06:24

Depends on the tone and the total conversation - might mean shes a means to an end to being 24/7 in his kids life.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 27-Nov-12 23:10:21

What possible tone would make that statement inoffensive to a new girlfriend Ophelia? hmm Hardly lends itself to cheery enthusiasm. How could anyone possibly spin 'I suppose I just have to accept... etc' so that it doesn't mean 'you'll just have to do instead'?

Leverette Tue 27-Nov-12 23:17:07

I one dumped someone who, when I politely enquired whether he ever felt like getting back together with his ex (with whom he'd remained friends), literally tested up and said pitifully "I don't think she'd ever have me back". Sniff sniff.

Twat. I do think women are generally better at taking responsibility for three own recover post-breakup whilst men frequently it seems expect a replacement woman to make it all better at her own expense...

Leverette Tue 27-Nov-12 23:17:58

*teared up.

Leverette Tue 27-Nov-12 23:18:34

*three?? Their. Fucking iPad.

hopespringy Wed 28-Nov-12 09:55:26

oh poor old him eh. that divorce just happened to him and well poor old him he may as well drag himself around, being as he had every chance to do something about it but ignored her.

dump forthwith. this has nothing to do with you OP. It's all about him, in every possible way hmm

Apocalypto Wed 28-Nov-12 12:58:36

It's a staple trope of Hollywood, but the number of men who genuinely want to get back with their ex must be vanishingly small. Unless they just want their house back, there seems to be the odd occasional FWB-style shag but that aside, indifference or downright bitter dislike seem to be much more the usual spectrum.

I'd go by his actions not his words. What he misses is family life with the kids. When he had family life with the kids it didn't work. What he misses is not available and never was. He misses what he mistakenly thought he had.

If he said I love you but then ignored you in favour of the lads, lager and football, which would you place more weight on - what he said, or what he did?

WhoNickedMyName Wed 28-Nov-12 13:21:59

she asked him to go to relate with her, he didn't think she was being serious so didn't go

Well good on his ex for getting rid. He sounds like a self pitying tosser. Even if you raised the issue of how upset his comments have made you, he probably wouldn't address them anyway.

It's only been a few months? Just bin him right now, you'll be over it by Christmas.

hopespringy Wed 28-Nov-12 13:34:08

Even if you raised the issue of how upset his comments have made you, he probably...

would make it all about him, turn it all around to him - how he feels, what he's lost etc.

don't bother OP. Sorry for the disappointment though (())

OwlLady Wed 28-Nov-12 13:37:58

How long have they been separated and why?

either way it doesn't sound like he is ready for another relationship.

I think it's quite normal to talk about someone you shared a good chunk of your life with and about those experiences and I think it's normal to miss your children if you are the non resident parent. It may be that he just isn't articulating well

doinmybest Thu 29-Nov-12 19:14:37

My h has recently left. he told me initially he loved OW and was moving in with her. Now he 'thinks' he loves her, will porbably move in 'cos he's got nowhere else to go' and is happy with her sometimes!! Just proves to me that men are a) led by their trousers and b) obsessed with the greener grass!

MrsFlibble Thu 29-Nov-12 19:28:33

doinmybest My ex left me for a an old girlfriend he dated 20 years back and hadnt spoke to in 4 years, and who was married, guess who he tried to return too when she decided she didnt want him after all.

Some men think about what they want and need, and to hell with the rest.

"They were together 18 years. They just stopped getting on apparantly and she asked him to go to relate with her, he didn't think she was being serious so didn't go and then the next thing is she asks for a divorce. "

Good lord! He doesn't want her to be his ex. Clearly. Sorry sad

kernowgal Fri 30-Nov-12 10:14:39

Four months into our relationship and freshly returned from holiday (where he'd behaved pretty badly on several occasions, my ex said when pressed that he wasn't in love with me but was fond of me and thought we should see how it went. It crushed me completely but I stuck with him, and his behaviour got worse and worse. To this day I wish I'd dumped him there and then. You're worth so much more than that OP.

SirBoobAlot Fri 30-Nov-12 10:22:20

Don't put yourself through this. The guy is either still hooked on her, or is a prize arse. Possibly both. The fact he didn't go to relate when she asked him to also is concerning; what does that say about him in general?

You can do better.

janelikesjam Fri 30-Nov-12 10:50:53

Doesn't sound good, OP. It reminded me of an old b/f with an ex-wife - he would occasionally make those kind of odd remarks. (He wasn't really into me, BTW, just a selfish man bored and confused).

I think those kind of throw-away comments are often hard to comprehend, because the feelings behind them are never explained and don't make sense. He loved his wife but didn't take her feelings seriously (yeah!). And maybe throw-away remarks like that are done on purpose to confuse you and protect his image of himself as a good family man? When deep feelings are never explained or clarified is it because (a) he doesn't have any deep feelings or (b) he is all over the place (and nowhere near you really).

I think if you asked him more directly about his real feelings on these kinds of questions - especially since he raised them in the first place in that self-pitying way (bad sign) - you would be alot clearer.

Is something telling you not to bother, because the deep-feeling answers you want to hear are not gonna be there anyway hmm?

SonOfAradia Fri 30-Nov-12 10:52:17

Just proves to me that men are a) led by their trousers and b) obsessed with the greener grass!

Not just men. Women behave in EXACTLY the same way.

AnnaFurLact1c Fri 30-Nov-12 13:25:16


you AGAIN?

I'll look out for your next thread.

AnnaFurLact1c Fri 30-Nov-12 13:25:56

I'd stick him in the box room...

Apocalypto Fri 30-Nov-12 13:48:49

OP should IMO allow for the fact that there are stages in emotional recovery. I don't know what they all are but he's still at the Regret / Denial stage.

Eventually he will progress to the Wouldn't Take Her Back Now If She Paid Me stage.

VBisme Fri 30-Nov-12 19:50:11

I'd think that he missed his kids.

janelikesjam Fri 30-Nov-12 19:57:37

Not totally convinced, the man I am talking about was still saying this 5 years after marriage totally over (after wife found out about his affair) and the kids already grown up.

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