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AIBU to feel pissed off with BF

(61 Posts)
VeryComplex Mon 26-Nov-12 22:49:23

We have been seeing each other 4 weeks.

We were chatting online tonight and he just logged of abruptly saying he had an early start.

(No earlier than normal, and normally he says it doesn't matter as he loves chatting to me). We are meant to be meeting tomorrow and he didn't mention it or confirm arrangements I am feeling used and mightily pissed off with him. I feel like telling him to go F*ck himself and ending it.

I called him and no reply. No answer to text either.

AIBU (or over reacting?)

BertieBotts Mon 26-Nov-12 22:51:09

Erm, yes you're overreacting. He was probably tired.

If he's stand-offish tomorrow then I'd think more into it but if it's a one off, no. And I'd assume the arrangements you've made are still valid unless he's said otherwise smile

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 26-Nov-12 22:51:43

I think the call and text after he signed off are over-reacting and needy.

Not enough info in your post to tell whether he is a twat and you are being used in general.

mcmooncup Mon 26-Nov-12 22:53:01

Sounds a bit weird.
I' d be inclined not to text, phone, web chat or mention tomorrow until/unless he contacts you.
He'll reveal himself then.........but listen carefully to how he explains his sharp exit.

VeryComplex Mon 26-Nov-12 22:53:57

Hmm. Just odd because he usually talks later and when I protest it;s late he says it doesn't matter. Just a change from usual routine and no proper 'goodnight' either. Just feel a bit upset and vulnerable.

mcmooncup Mon 26-Nov-12 22:54:12

Oh. You already texted. And phoned. hmm

BertieBotts Mon 26-Nov-12 22:54:14

Text/call might be to do with tiredness as well - if he's wanting to focus on his early start he might have put his phone on silent, I sometimes do this as XMIL has an irritating habit of texting at 7am and ruining my last half hour of sleep.

With online contact it's hard to read tone into things so assume the best and don't keep badgering him or you'll look insane. If he's keeping you hanging on by only using online contact or he's the same with other types of communication as well then I'd worry, but if it's just online - you're probably reading too much into it.

VeryComplex Mon 26-Nov-12 22:54:44

Yeah don't worry I'm not contacting him tomorrow unless he contacts me!

You sound like a needy, immature teenager.

Maybe that's why he hasn't replied.

VeryComplex Mon 26-Nov-12 22:55:53

Early start is no earlier than normal, thats why I think he;s being a twat.

VeryComplex Mon 26-Nov-12 22:57:06

Thanks Bunny - a healthy dose of perspective there!

pictish Mon 26-Nov-12 22:58:05

Urk...chill out.
If he's still cold and abrupt in the flesh then there's your answer...but ending an online message quickly could be for any number of reasons.

TalesFromTheCryptoFascist Mon 26-Nov-12 22:58:57

I think you're being a bit ott. You've been seeing him 4 weeks and you want to punish him for going to bed! Poor bloke. I hope you calm down or he's in for a rocky time with you!

akaemmafrost Mon 26-Nov-12 23:00:03

4 weeks!? You sound a bit nuts.

VeryComplex Mon 26-Nov-12 23:00:38

Thanks guys. I guess I am over reacting a bit then. It's just a departure from normal behaviour (which felt a bit hurtful) that's all.

BertieBotts Mon 26-Nov-12 23:01:57

But it might be that tomorrow there's a really important thing happening at work or whatever that he REALLY doesn't want to be late/tired/etc for.

Or he just felt tired tonight and couldn't be bothered with the lingering goodbyes of "usual" (after 4 weeks? Okay)

Or something else is stressing him out and he was a bit distracted.

Or his internet cut out and it was being a pain and he decided to go to bed rather than fix it.

Give the guy some space and don't assume he's a twat or feel so rejected about it - it's the INTERNET, it doesn't have the same etiquette as real life and different people place different importance on it. <blush remembers argument had with DP about "love u" versus "I love you" over msn and meanings thereof>

If you're actually feeling vulnerable and upset because someone you've been talking to for FOUR weeks forgot to say "goodnight" then maybe dating isn't a great idea, though.

TalesFromTheCryptoFascist Mon 26-Nov-12 23:03:24

Ah you'll be ok. Better to spill all the crazy on MN then on him. This is the trouble with online or text chat, hard to sound they way you want to come across without tone of voice!

TalesFromTheCryptoFascist Mon 26-Nov-12 23:03:51

*than, not then!!!

VeryComplex Mon 26-Nov-12 23:04:10

I hear what you say Bertie. Just felt a bit odd and stand-offish when he is normally so effusive with the 'i love you' / 'i miss you' routine.

We are seeing each other tomorrow afternoon and haven't yet sorted out time /place etc - I thought / assumed that would be sorted tonight!

VeryComplex Mon 26-Nov-12 23:04:58

Tales - thanks :-) Yay for MN!

MissFenella Mon 26-Nov-12 23:05:45

If he is pissing you off in 4 weeks then why bother pursuing the relationship at all, he's not giving you what you want.

NishiNoUsagi Mon 26-Nov-12 23:06:09

Well, I can understand you feeling a bit off if it's not how he usually ends the conversation, but like others have said above see how he is tomorrow. He might have had to say a rushed goodbye and leg it to the toilet for a massive poo grin Not worth losing sleep over!

VeryComplex Mon 26-Nov-12 23:07:52

Valid point MissFenella - time will tell I guess.

I suppose I find it wearing when the first flush of talking all hours ends and reality kicks in.

Yes I know I am being silly and immature to feel hurt by that.

Shoot me now!

MummysHappyPills Mon 26-Nov-12 23:10:41

You are saying the L word after 4 weeks!? shock

mammadiggingdeep Mon 26-Nov-12 23:10:42

Another one here that thinks you've over reacted!!!

I'm not one for game playing but at 4 weeks isn't it usual to 'play it cool' a tinsy bit? So he's had a phonecall and a text from u AFTER he's told you he's going to bed?! What did the text say?!

Also, again maybe this is just me but isn't 4 weeks VERY early to say I love you? Do you really know someone after 4 weeks?

VeryComplex Mon 26-Nov-12 23:12:29

He said the L word not me. I feel very fond of him, however it is very early yes.

Text just said 'I assume we are still meeting tomorrow, you've gone offline..?'

Oh dear. How old are you? This sort of behaviour can be very off-putting in the early stages of a relationship.

Do you often get "mightily pissed off" with people and tell them to fuck off?

MummysHappyPills Mon 26-Nov-12 23:18:12

Just to warn you that can be a bit of a red flag. Along with the fact he usually won't let you sign off, now he goes cold. Very controlling behaviour.

VeryComplex Mon 26-Nov-12 23:18:16

OK having texted and called tonight - which seemingly I shouldn't have - I guess I should wait for him to contact me tomorrow or assume meet up is off...?!

BertieBotts Mon 26-Nov-12 23:18:30

Ah okay. Well if you haven't sorted out time/place for meeting then that's different - I thought you had as you mentioned confirming an arrangement?

VeryComplex Mon 26-Nov-12 23:19:52

oh dear, I've really fucked up haven't I? I am just tired I suppose - tired of this game and tired because I've had a long day.

Thank you all for your honesty.

Another fledgling relationship down the pan it would seem.

VeryComplex Mon 26-Nov-12 23:20:24

Bertie - no arrangements - just plan to meet 'tomorrow afternoon'...

BertieBotts Mon 26-Nov-12 23:20:27

Have you already agreed on a time or place or not?

Either way, wait for text tomorrow. If I had a text like that when I was going to bed I'd assume it was fine to reply the next day.

If you have agreed a time/place, then assume it's going ahead whether he replies or not.

If you haven't agreed a time/place and he doesn't reply, then you can't really meet up with him, can you?

Obviously if he says something's come up then forget it, though.

BertieBotts Mon 26-Nov-12 23:22:58

I don't think you've fucked up at all, why assume that? It might have seemed a bit OTT to send him a text AND call after he logged off unexpectedly, but firstly, if it's to fix arrangements for meeting then that's different and not impolite (as long as you know he's still up, which you did) and secondly, even if this wasn't the case and he did find it a bit keen, if he really liked you it probably wouldn't put him off - as long as you didn't keep obsessively calling/texting him all the time!

pictish Mon 26-Nov-12 23:25:12

Well...tbh with you...that text sounded pretty cool to me. If his signing off was innocuous enough, he'd have replied to that "Sorry - 10pm at wherever blah blah"

I would not have followed up with a phone call myself, as I'd be all fuck you by then, and would leave the ball in his court with the text.

But he didn't reply to either text or call, I'd say trust your instinct.
You've put it out there so sit back now and see what unfolds. Do not chase him, got that?


VeryComplex Mon 26-Nov-12 23:26:11

Bertie - I texted and called about 5 mins after last message so reasonable to assume he was still up I hope - I accept phone may have been on silent.

Assume fucked up because of feedback on here saying OTT etc! I can see it clearly now you all put it that way. Just feeling needy and tired I suppose. sad

BertieBotts Mon 26-Nov-12 23:27:03

Also agree the text sounds fine. I think it was the use of "arrangements" in the OP that threw me. You do need to know where you're meeting someone!

MissFenella Mon 26-Nov-12 23:27:10

If he really liked YOU then he wouldn't be put off by your behaviour - as that is part and parcel of who you are. He also would have responded to you. people who like you don't ignore you no matter how eager beaver you are.

Its early days, it should be easy, eager to please, love n hugs & pink hearts.

If you are anxious and annoyed that is telling, if he is non responsive that is all you need to know.

VeryComplex Mon 26-Nov-12 23:27:25

Pictish - thank you :-) I will not call text or anything else! I am annoyed I went OTT but just thrown off balance by the sudden exit.

BertieBotts Mon 26-Nov-12 23:29:49

IYSWIM - the OP sounded as though it had been

New man signs off unexpectedly
OP panics and sends stalky text message asking if things are okay/where have you gone etc AND tries to call.

But actual situation sounds more like

OP and new man agree to meet up vaguely on X day
OP and new man talk online the night before
New man logs off suddenly without sorting meeting details, OP doesn't get a chance to ask
OP texts NM asking about meeting (and, call was prob unnecessary but not that much of a big deal if only once)

First sounds way OTT. Second sounds fine.

VeryComplex Mon 26-Nov-12 23:31:05

Miss Fenalla - I am who I am. If he doesn't like it then he's not for me.

I clearly need the pink hearts and flowers (which until tonight have been forthcoming). Sudden coolness makes me anxious yes, and yes it is telling. Either he can accept who I am and give me what I need or not. If not...I'll end it.

BertieBotts Mon 26-Nov-12 23:31:29

I also agree it's a bit odd now that I realise you were supposed to be meeting up and he's totally blanked you on that count.

Perhaps he genuinely forgot, although that doesn't explain why he then ignored the text and phone call, although phone could have been on silent.

I expect you'll get your answer tomorrow though either way, but don't take it personally - it's his problem wink

VeryComplex Mon 26-Nov-12 23:32:21

Bertie - your 2nd description of events closer to mark. Hopefully call not too OTT - at least I didn't leave voicemail too!!

MissFenella Mon 26-Nov-12 23:32:57

I don't think she has been OTT in any way. But all this drama 4 weeks in? It's not worth the effort.

allchangeplease Mon 26-Nov-12 23:33:03

maybe he wasn't enjoying the subject you were discussing?
it's really far to eaarly to jump to bad conclusions! Everyone is alowed to be tired on SOME days even if it's not the norm for them.

VeryComplex Mon 26-Nov-12 23:33:46

Bertie - I'll give benefit of doubt that phone may have been on silent. If not I would be pretty unhappy to be ignored 5 mins after logging off - in order to confirm details for tomorrow - yes!

VeryComplex Mon 26-Nov-12 23:35:22

Fenella - thing is - drama is probably in my head!
I've been pretty 'cool' until now. Now I am actually developing some feelings, I find it harder.

allchangeplease Mon 26-Nov-12 23:44:52

FGS the bloke probably went to the bathroom within these 5min if he was heading for bed, and could have turned off the phone prior to that!

Helltotheno Mon 26-Nov-12 23:51:57

I think if you feel how he acted was very out of character and has left you feeling a bit unsure about things, that is a valid feeling. And yes if you were supposed to be meeting, him not tying an arrangement down is a bit off.

In saying that, just wait and see. Hopefully it's nothing and he'll have an explanation. If it was something and things don't work out, well there's better out there for you don't fret.
... and don't call him tomorrow or text! The ball's in his court...

CuriousMama Tue 27-Nov-12 00:01:50

Interesting you say you're developing feelings now. Does he sense this? I hope he isn't a player? How did you meet? Is he known to you or your friends?

Of course he could have a very valid reason for being rude? Which I actually think it is to log off like that when he doesn't normally.

VeryComplex Tue 27-Nov-12 00:03:39

Glad some of you agree it was rude. And yes it was out of character.

He knows re feelings - yes.

Met at work. Not known to friends.

CuriousMama Tue 27-Nov-12 00:06:26

Oh well good luck to you. It's all so intense though isn't it? I've been there done that and hate it when they go cool all of a sudden. Hopefully for you this isn't the case and he has a good reason? Perhaps his internet went down? And then he dropped his phone in the bath? wink

Have you met any of his friends/family yet? Or is it too soon?

VeryComplex Tue 27-Nov-12 00:08:33

Curious - no too soon, although I work with a mutual friend also.

It is hard when they 'go cool' - which is exactly how it feels :-(

I just feel in heart this is beginning of end.

CuriousMama Tue 27-Nov-12 00:14:05

Wait and see. I hope you sleep ok? Am off now night chick.

skiesmylimit Tue 27-Nov-12 15:12:22

How are you today?

ClippedPhoenix Tue 27-Nov-12 16:02:20

Yes OP what he did was rude.

He loves you and you haven't met?

He's leading you right up the garden path.

I wouldn't wait around here...... I'd be thinking NEXT.

And would have learned not to do all this squillions of contact from a dating site.

ClippedPhoenix Tue 27-Nov-12 16:05:37

Sorry, I totally misread all that didn't I blush

You met at work - how many times have you seen him?

I'd say he's cooled right off and my NEXT still stands though.

VeryComplex Tue 27-Nov-12 19:13:42

Clipped - we've been out 7 or 8 times.
Skies - thanks for asking, am feeling less despondent!
Curious - thanks for your concern.

We met up today. His explanation for last night was that he suddenly got really tired and when that happens he just 'hits a brick wall' and needs to sleep. He said phone was on silent last night. He acknowledged I was feeling upset about it and said sorry.

MummysHappyPills Tue 27-Nov-12 21:41:58

So all is good then! Please stop worrying. It is early days, don't try and force it. If it is meant to be it will work out. Just relax and enjoy! grin

MummysHappyPills Tue 27-Nov-12 21:43:32

And fwiw last night I fell asleep on the sofa about 9pm, and when dp tried to get me upstairs to bed I was babbling incoherently so I can kind of empathise with being that tired!

MrsFlibble Tue 27-Nov-12 21:54:22

VeryComplex, dont over analyse things, coz it'll just drive you crazy, i did many times and im learning just to shut up and stop it, its much better that way.

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